INTRODUCTION

Parenting is a skill for everyone who is, or intends to be a

parent. It i’s a learnt skill, and it’s neverot an automatic
or innate attribute. Many parents, especially new ones,
erroneouslyof us expect we shouldto suddenly know how
to deal with a children, no matter what, forgetting that
the onlymostly because of our experience we have at
parenting is of being parented ourselves. But the
question is, how well, or excellently, did our parents deal
with us? How much of the emotional and psychological
make-up of a child did your parents know and apply
whilst raising you, so much that you can confidently
apply to raising your own children—especially in today’s
civilized world?
Great parents are made, not born.

Are you a parent already? AOr are you an intending

parent? You need toIt is imperative that you commit to
learning the art of parenting if you must raise your kids
right. Like I said, it is a learn this skill today!.
If you are reading this, it meansthen you are on the right
path of learning.
L.R. Knost once said, “mMany believe that parenting is Formatted: Font: Not Bold
about controlling children's behaviour and training them to
act like adults. I believe that parenting is about controlling
my own behaviour and acting like an adult myself.
Children learn what they live and live what they learn”. Formatted: Font: Not Bold
Fundamentally, Pparenting is about you, not the child. Formatted: Font: Italic

People often say the present crop of parents we have in

that this generation of parents are a mess! The truth is,
the challenges parents of today face today is not the
same as what our parents faced. We are a mess because
no one taught us what to do. I hear you blaming the
generation before us., wWell, they didn't know better
either and they didn't battle with the things we are
battling with presently.
The truth is that mMany parents in of the 21st -cCentury Formatted: Superscript
lack knowledge of the present day struggles we are
confronted with; we lack what to give to the next
generation. As much as so many of us will say parenting
is easy and intuitive, let’s not pretend about it, parenting
is a tough relationship to build. I am a parent, so I know.

The truth is, nobody bothers to learn to parenting—

unfortunately. Little wonder we repeatedly make a mess
of it. All we do is assume that we know how to parent as
soon as we have a child. Being a parent is an art,
something you learn;, you don’t just become a parent
simply because you can donate sperm or carry bulged
tummy for nine months. We have assumed this narrative
for a long time; now is, the time to change itthe narrative
is now. Maybe I should remind you that assumption is
the lowest form of knowledge.

I became passionate about parenting growing up., I

wanted to know more because I knew that what I saw or
what was modeled to me couldn’t have beening all there
is. This is not to say my parents didn’t do a good job;, I
believe they did all they knew or most certainly what they
saw their parents do. I wanted more than just merely
birthing children, sending them to school, and praying
for them to get good jobs. There must be more, I thought,
and my curiosity grew and set me out on a path to
learning what parenting really isentails.
According Jane B. Brooks (2012)., “‘PARENTINGarenting
ISis THEthe PROCESSprocess OFof
PROMOTINGpromoting ANDand SUPPORTINGsupporting
THEthe PHYSICALphysical, EMOTIONALemotional,
SOCIALsocial ANDand INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT
intellectual development OF A CHILDof a child FROM
INFANCY TO ADULTHOODfrom infancy to adulthood”.
So, I will say that:;
Parenting is a skill Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
Formatted: Centered
Parenting is an art
Parenting is a full-time job
Parenting a relationship
Parenting must be purposeful and strategic
YOU LEARN IT, YOU DON'T WISH IT

Formatted: Font: Not Bold

Formatted: Centered
I have heard, and keep hearing, many people say “I will
Formatted: Font: Italic
never behave like my parents” … They were too harsh,
they showed no love, they didn't understand me… and so
on”. Yet, I have seen the same people repeatdo the same
things to their children. It is said that behaviours most
times are reflective. Children tend to do exactly what
their parents did, both consciously and unconsciously. I
have been there, so I know. No wonder a friend I respect
so much once said, “If you awere not properly raised
and& have not admitted that, or youand refuse to find
help, you will reproduce same error in your children.” I
totally agree. Let me share a little story with you.
Amaka started came to live with us at the age ofwhen
she was 18 years old. I had wished and even prayed to
become a better parent than my parents were.; I knew
there was something better than what they offered me. I
desired it so —very much. As much as my parents didn't
believe in hitting a child, I hated being yelled at and
sometimes blamed for situations around me that were
hardly my making. I knew there was a better way. But I
believed good parenting was innate, not learnt., Wwas I
wrong? You will find out soon. Laughs.

So, after I had mythe twins kids, I had thought to myself; Formatted: Space After: 0 pt
‘Yeah, the journey starts and it's going to be great. I have
this sorted because I have wished and prayed for so long
to do this better than my parents did’.
Incidentalterestingly, my parenting skills were tested
with Amaka, and, yes, your guess is as good as mine, I
failed woefully at it. my new “assumed skills.” I was
parenting exactly like my Ddad – ...yelling, looking for
control with force, throwing blames, and complaining.

I didn't like this "me" because I knew there was a better

way. I prayed and tiringly, wished to become better, but
it just wasn't working.
So, I started my journey to search for the better way.
Yes, search! I started reading, consuming materials on Formatted: Font: Italic
parenting skills that work, and I started enrolling in
parenting courses, workshops, etc. to learn this skill. The
willingness to learn anything is a choice.
Like the quote by Brian Herbert:

"The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn

is a skill, and the willingness to learn is a choice"

So, on my journey, I discovered that parenting is a Formatted: Font: Not Bold

learnedt skill, not an innate skill. Formatted: Font: Not Bold
Formatted: Font: Not Bold
And yes, I was eventually successful in making magic
with my 18-year-old Amaka, now 26!. Tough call? yYes,
but I became a better parent. I learnt to connect instead
of seeking control., and yes I have proof! to show.

I learnt that good parenting is not anything you wish for

but everything you learn.

I learnt that getting an education for the biggest job on

planet earth was worth every investment.

I learnt that I am “responsible to my children" not

"responsible for them".
I learnt how to match my parenting style to each child's
personality.

Parenting education aims to teach parents effective

parenting skills with the goal of improving family
dynamics.

My favorite definition of Education is "Learning what you Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1
didn't even know you didn't know."
By the definition above, I got educated on parenting.

I learnt that great parenting is not anything you wish for

but everything you learn. I gained confidence., I gained
more clarity on my values., I builtgained morebetter
relationships and connections withto my children, and I
understood the discipline that works. I discovered who I
was emotionally, and became more emotionally
intelligent.
My name is Wendy Ologe, a Parent Coach. I work with
parents to show you how to parent with peace and calm,
and be intentional in raising your children.
You might wonder why you need to learn parenting,.
aAfter all, people have beieng parenting since the
beginning of human existencerace began. Well, think
about this. Do you believe our parents did an excellent
better job? I personally don't think the generation of my
parents did. They assumed a lot of things, and left so
much to chance. There is a popular saying in my place
which asserts that "a child who wants to be useful will be
useful." This saying shows exactlyis a typical example of
what I meant by leaving parenting to chance. Growing
up, it wasn’t uncommon toI have heard many parents
utter statements likesay “aAfter all, I have 5 children. aAt
least 2 of them will be successful.” Again, I say chance!
We have the results glaring staring at us today.

You will also agree with me that it's harder to be a parent

now than it was before. So, more intentionality is
required to parent better in the 21 stth cCentury. Formatted: Superscript

There is a very strong evidence that parenting skills are

critical to a child's well-being and development. Learning
parenting as a skill is among the best investments any
parent can make.
Parents do matter.
Stop Being a Parent by chance, it's a learnt skill.
Don't chance it, plan it.

This book will show you how to Parent with peace and
calm; h. How to connect to your child before correcting
and not just to seek control. You will also learn how to
take charge of your emotions and become an
influencer/role model to your children.

Parents need the ability to encourage without being Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
intrusive Formatted: Centered

T; to protect without being over-protective; Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic

Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
T to guide without getting in the way!
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You must find a balance. It’s your job as a parent. Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic

~Wendy Ologe Formatted: Centered

CHAPTER 1
THE TYPICAL PARENT
The typical parent thinks that the child is the problem.
The first thing you should remember is that:
“Parenting is about you, not your child”

When many of us are asked if we believe in our children

to become greatness, I am sure we will say yes! But
many times our actions say otherwise.

Parenting is an 18- year plan, and must be prepared for.

However, the typical parent doesn’t think it's important
to plan parenting. You see, you are permitted tocan be
haphazard about a lot of things but not parenting. You
must take this assignmentjourney with uttermost
seriousness because you will never have your children
forever.
The first 3 years of a child is very crucial. That is when
he forms opinions. He decides what is important and
what is not, what he values, what he is capable of doing.
By the time children are 3 years old they have already
formed who they are. Interestingly, we think that
children come already formeds they are, but every child
becomes who they are from us and their environment we
create or permit for them. They become “who we are”
most times without us even knowing it. It's about the
things we put in the children, not about what they do. A
child is more likely to develop a better self-esteem if their
parents are more caring and showed love and affection
that the children can see. Modelling tough love, bullying,
abusing and inflicting injuries on your children and
calling that home training is a deception. You will only
end up breeading children who will either Rebel,
Revenge, Resent or Retreat. (The 4R’s of negative
discipline). This parenting style is no longer sustainable
in the today’s world. Connection parenting focuses on
building relationships, and is the foundation of all you
need for your child to have a healthy self-worth, self-
esteem and self-actualization. Allow me to use the good
old book to illustrate this!
Ephesians 6:1-4 Formatted: Font color: Text 1
Formatted: Left
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is
Formatted: Centered
right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the
first commandment with promise ;). That it may be
well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the
earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to
wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord.

This scripture here describes how we should raise

children. It's says:
- Provoke them not to wrath. A, and, yes, discipline is not Formatted: Font: Italic
punishment, it is teaching.
- Nurture them., sSimply put, tTreat your children as if
you were growing the most beautiful sacred flower,
watering it, tending to it's roots and always making sure
the petals are full of color and never curling. This is the
same way God expects us to raise our children.

- Admonition of the Lord.: Train them in the ways and

instructions of the Lord. The question this part poses to
you is, how did Jesus deal with his disciples? Simple. -
Connection!
You know, we all like the promises but never want the
instructions. For every promise in the scripture, there is
an obedience precondition into it. Whatever it is that the
child absorbs is what he will be able to give back to the
world. You can’t have it otherwise.

THE TYPICAL PARENT WANTS A PERFECT CHILD.

Childhood is for being a child, stop trying to have a perfect

child.

Richard Templer said in one of his books; that if you

have a perfect child by age 10, then you might as well
send them off to be merchant bankers.

Someone visited me with her children some years back.

One thing that struck me about those children was the
fact that they looked like mini grown-ups. They were
expected to behave like adults at less than 7years. Aren't
childhood imperfections supposed to be eradicated with
growing up? The truth is, if you try to raise a perfect
child, you will fail. Because no one is perfect, we are all
wonderfully flawed.

At my children's open day last term, a particular parent

practically complained about everything his daughter
did;
Your writing is getting worse!
You didn't do well in all the subjects!
Look at your books, so dirty!
See your note, so rough!
Then the comparison sets in...

Can't you see Grace has an amazing writing? Is she not

your mate? Her books are all neat! And he goes on and
on. All I could hear from his conversation was "you must
be perfect, you can't be a child." Don’t get me wrong,
correcting and guiding your child its important and
necessary,key but how do you go about it? is just as
important, or even more.
Connect to correct, don’t condemn to correct! Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic

Your aim should be to raise a child who is able to

understand their own personality, temperament, self-
assurance and empathy, not a perfect being. One thing is
certain, most people were raised same way and, I
assuretell you, until you begin to consciously unlearn
this and learn the "what", "Why" and "how", parenting
will continue to be a struggle for you. You want to parent
the same way you were parented? The truth is that times
have changed is not the same,; the 21st century came
with so much baggage. Being a Pparent made me realize
that many of the problems we face in life stem from our
upbringing!

THE TYPICAL PARENT WILL SEEK CONTROL AT ANY

COST.

There is something wrong with seeking to control the

wrong way. The effects on children will always rob off
wrongly. You must certainly exert an amount of control
on your children to enable you guide them but you can’t
force control, because any victory gotten by force never
lasts. Recently I increasingly realized that most church
overseers exert a great kindeal of control on their
members. Watching closely, I have realized that most of
them do this via modelling and influence. Most parents
who are able to exert an amount of control on their
children without having them either Rebel, Rebel,
Revenge, Resent or Retreat. (The 4R’s of negative
discipline) achieved that through role modelling and
influence. When it comes to connection, these two
features are key to your parenting journey.

I recently had a conversation with a friend, recently who

tried to prove that "our parents did a better job than we
do now." Well, as much as I will want to agree, a lot of
factors go against this opinion fact.

Our parents "assumed parenting" and sought control the

wrong way. Do you think wife battering is new? Do you
think abuse of children is new? No, they are not. They
just multiplied. You are wondering why people didn't talk
much about it those days? Yes, you guessed
right....parents sort to control who their children became
not what they dido! Our thoughts, our creativity, our
perspective, our dreams were all controlled by our
parents. If you accuse a child of wrongdoing and never
give her a chance to prove those wrongs right or wrong,
you are practicing a dangerous form of control. Don't
misunderstandget me, wrong control is key in parenting
but you must learn to control and guide a child's
behaviour, not control the child.
The truth is that ineffective parenting style kills the
creative side of any human being. Many times, I hear
parents say we control so we can teach value and
character. Many parents don't do holistic upbringing.
They will usually focus on traditions and cultures and
end up missing the values and morals they ought to
teach their children.
Stay with me! Commented [H1]: This is not necessary.

If you really raise children with values and morals, we

won't have bad leadership. Leadership begins from
home;, how much of it do you model? If you teach values
and morals you willon't only not blame a child for being
wrong, you will also apologize for being wrong yourself
every time you are.! If you teach values and morals, you
will not pick up our calls and say we are on our way
while you are still at home yet hound your child for
telling a lie. If you teach values and morals you won't
blame a child who was raped by an “uncle” saying she
brought it on herself in a bid to protect the “family
name.” If you teach values and morals you won't be
battling with telling an 18 year old that life is about the
processes and growth….And it goes on and on

Interestingly, I have realized that some of our cultures

are laced with good values and morals;, however, they
are not enough. We need knowledge of what is applicable
in the 21sty cCentury to raise thiese generation of Formatted: Superscript
children.
When we seek control wrongly, it shuts down creativity, Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
value and even responsibility, because it will exalt
pretense and hypocrisy. It will value instant gratification
and not delayed gratification., tThese obviously do not
encourage posterity. This kind of Control parenting is not
sustainable. A lot of times we hide behind culture and
tradition to resist necessary changes but it is only a
matter of time. Either we change willingly or the changes
will be forced on all of us.
Like the quote from Mr. Darwin says,

“It’s not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1
most intelligent. It is the one that is the most adaptable to
change".

It's time to change this narrative if we must move

forward. That time is now!! We need to be schooled at
parenting. We can’t continue to do things the same way
and expect a different result. Simply ask yourself today:
“Aam I the adult I want my child to grow up to be?"

THE TYPICAL PARENT SAYS, “MY PARENTS RAISED

ME SAME WAY!”

Experts estimate that up to 40% of what students in

higher institutions are learning today will be obsolete in
a decade from now. The top 10 most in-demand jobs
today didn't exist 10 years ago. This change is not just
only in technology, even the human life is evolving and
changing with the decrease in the age of puberty,
demography, and even longevity. For instance, research
shows that cChildren enter puberty earlier with
practically every decade. About a 100 years ago, the
average age for puberty was 16 years. By 1950s puberty
was occurring at about 14 years. In the 20th century, the
onset of puberty was about 12 years. And now? We have
8-year- oldsold’s entering puberty today in the 21st
century.
Interestingly, because children are now entering puberty
at a younger age, they are even less capable of handling
the emotional stress that comes with their bodily
changes in relation to adolescence.

My 8year old recently walked up to me to show me

changes in her body. Shocked? No, I wasn't., I had read
how puberty age is decreasing by the day and I now
know that the new teen now starts at 8. The more reason
you will understand when I say parenting nowadays is
tougher than ever!! Have you ever imagined managing an
8year old who is going through puberty? This
information won't fly on you, you will need to study to
know. My point is, times are changing, —and with speed
in all spheres of life.
As a parent, are you learning, unlearning, and
relearning? Many people say, "I am open to change” but
in the real sense of it they avoid change. Well, hear this
today; this strategy won't take you far, it doesn't prepare
you to adapt to a future that might need you to put into
use an entirely new set of maps. You don't only learn
new strategies to parent, you will also need to "unlearn"
some strategies. You can't base your opinion on what
you used to know, the usual "that was how we were
raised" talk. Even the model of education has changed
and it keeps changing. Delay in agreeing to adapt to
change, will offer you nothing but a lost place in a world
that is geared towards moving forward every day.

To succeed as a parent in the 21 st cCentury, you must be Formatted: Superscript

in a constant state of adaptation...unlearning some
"rules" and relearning new ones. It requires you to be a
"thinking parent,", questioning assumptions, challenging
old paradigms, and relearning what is now relevant in
life.
What are the things you are thinking to learn about
“you” as a parent? What are you thinking to learn and
relearn? Are you interested in unlearning some parenting
styles that areis not working, and l? Learning what
works and how? How about the things you want your
child to unlearn? People who find opportunities in a
changing world are those actively looking for them.
“The choice is simple: you either act or be acted upon.” Formatted: Centered

~ Margie Warrell Formatted: Font: Not Italic

THE TYPICAL PARENT THINKS PARENTING IS

ABOUT THE CHILD

Parenting is about you, not your child. Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic

People often say parenting is a big job, which I agree, but

I like to look at parenting as a relationship and not just a
job. When you look at parenting that way, you will realize
that parenting is about you, because you are the parent,
not your child.

Many factors contribute to making a happy child who

will, in turn, grow up to become a happy adult.
Education, genes, health, environment and other
variables all contribute. But, in all these, parenting is
one of the most crucial influences. Research shows that
parents really do have profound and long-lasting effects
on their children's capacity for happiness, and some
styles of parenting tend to promote the development of
happiness, while others do the reverse.

In building a better relationship with your children for a

happier child and home, you will need to change
"YOUyou." Nothing changes unless you change. All it Formatted: Font: Italic
takes is small changes consistently. The truth is that
your children acquire the abilities to be successful from
people who are most involved with them, and the first
person is the parent.

Parenting is the most important relationship on planet

earth and also one of the most challenging. However, it is
very rewarding and full of enriching life experiences.
Parenting is about father and mother. Incidentally, we
tend to leave everything parenting to women. Let me tell
you the risk in doing that. If only the woman reads about
parenting, and runs all courses on parenting alone, no
matter how great the learning is, their efforts to create
change will fail unless boththe parents have a unified
approach to it.

Let's BE CAREFUL BECAUSE PARENTING MISTAKES

CAN RUIN GENERATIONS
Someone sent me to write up some time ago on how a
father's influence can go to the fourth generation after
him. He sighted an example of Whitney Houston’s
parents, Emily and John Houston, who divorced when
she was in kindergarten. Together with her lover, Bobby
Brown, Whitney smoked crack in the presence of their 5-
year-old daughter, Bobbi Kristina. At 22, Bobbi died of
drug abuse. H…her mother Whitney died at 48 on
similar grounds. Great careers, and more importantly,
great lives were lost due to parenting default.

InThe truth, is that there isn't much you can do about

your ancestors but there is something that you can do
about your descendants. To be in your children’s
memoriesy tomorrow, you have to be in their lives’ today.

Having children doesn’t make you a parent, raising them Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
does, and it takes skill.

There are many of us who were raised up in unstable

families. As much as we don’t want to pass it on to our
children, if we do nothing about it, we will be doing just
that. We can choose to become more emotionally
intelligent, control our emotions, shield our children
from our disputes as adults, and this is not done by
wishing and praying, it's a skill.
To a large extent, a child is a product of his/her early
relationships.

There are no perfect parents or imperfect parents. There

are only parents who are intentional about what they are
doing, have their 'whys' figured out at all times, and
those who are not. The Typical Parent follows the Crowd.
The Intentional Parent follows a Goal. How intentional are
you about your journey as a parent?

CHAPTER 2
THE TYPICAL CHILD
Your child is not an adult. Formatted: Font: 12 pt

Children differ greatly from adults—. Ffrom the

physiological, anatomical, cognitive, social and emotional
aspects. Unlike you an adult, your children are still
developing socially, thereby learning the values,
knowledge and skills that can help them relate to the
world around them. We must understand that they learn
these social skills from the people around them. Social
skills are often learnt from the child's care giver as well
as fromvia friends and by participating in the world
around them.

The truth is that your experiences will shape you, either

positively or negatively. Most times when I tell parents
that children will have many of their characteristics, they
often don't get this message. One time I was having a
conversation with a fFriend who told me that she became
exactly like her Mmum even when she hated the things
her Mmum did.

The diagram below gives you an insight on how your

child’s growth of thought is. So, every parent must be
mindful of how they communicate, taking into account a
child or adolescent's level of cognitive development
Diagram source: https://www.rch.org.au

Your child is human and has emotions Formatted: Font: 12 pt

Just like you, your child also gets angry, sad, frustrated,
nervous, happy, embarrassed, etc. Many times, the
biggest challenge with children and their emotions is how
to express it. We must recognize that they have emotions
despite the fact that they cannot share them often times. Formatted: Font: Not Bold
Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1
“Children don’t say “I had a hard day, can we Formatted: Font: Not Bold
talk? “They say “will you play with me?” Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1
- (Lawrence Cohen, author of of pPlayful
Formatted: List Paragraph, Centered, Indent: Left: 0"
Pparenting).
Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1

The emotional wellbeing of your Children starts with us Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1
recognizing that they have one, which is largely Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1
influenced by the environment, people around them, Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Font color: Text 1
physical wellbeing and self-awareness. Your child can
never be happy at all times because anthe emotionally
stable person is not happy at all times. In Fact, it is said
that someone who doesn't seem to experience negative
emotions may be repressing their emotions. It's your
duty to manage your child's emotions by creating and
maintaining their feeling of safety, calm and optimism.
This is why the emotional need of your child must be met
always in order to achieve this. They need adults to help
them when feeling overwhelmed, and also support them
to manage their intense feelings. Children gradually
learn to manage their own emotions for themselves from
their experience with calm and responsive adults. You
must therefore commit to learning your own emotions as
a parent or caregiver. Remember you cannot give what
you don't have. I, if you don't learn how to manage your
emotions properly, you can’t teach your child how to
effectively manage theirs.

Formatted: Space After: 0 pt

You must remember that Children and adolescents are
still developing their ability to recognize and manage
their emotions or feelings, and this can also be
influenced by many social and environmental factors.
Children who are younger have their emotional
development and bond of affection to their caregiver as a
determinant factor to their emotions.

Connecting with a child emotionally will give your child,

~More resilience
~Build a high self-esteem
~Cultivate better leadership skills
~More self-reliance
~Better social skills
 YOUR CHILD IS TRYING TO LEARN THE WORLD. Formatted: Font: 12 pt

Children are natural learners. Children learn and grow

the fastest rate of their lifetime between birth and five
years, especially the first three years.

Facts to remember: Formatted: Font: Not Bold

 Children learn in many ways by watching,

listening and also by doing.
 Children go through different learning stages
 Children will fare better in an environment of love

You must understand that children learn everywhere

and all the time. Your child’s experiences in his early
years will form the foundation for his learning in later
years.

Formatted: Space After: 0 pt

There are different development areas a child needs to
learn that areis very important to a young child's ability
to learn and make the most from birth onwards. They are
all different parts of what children need to learn.

1. Self-esteem
This is very important. - Self-esteem is about learning
who you are as an individual and the way you feel about
yourself (in this case the good feeling). Your child will
need to learn the need to feel valued, accepted and
respected which leads to their confidence as a human
being. Creativity is a product of confidence. Children
usually try new things and explore when they are more
 confident.

Formatted: No bullets or numbering

1. How do you help your child build self-esteem? Formatted: No bullets or numbering

There is so much to say when it comes to building self-

esteem in children but these few tips will help you.

 Ensure that the environment is lovable and show

them that you love and accept them for who they
are.
 Help your child learn new skills and ensure you
support them to try new things.
 Be available, emotionally and otherwise. YouWe
must understand that your presence is what
matters most, not your presents. Spend valuable
time with them and do it gladly.

2. Cultural Awareness and development

The ability to know that being different is okay, is a valid
survival skill in the 21st cCentury. This is one thing your Formatted: Superscript
child will learn from you, your attitude towards people
and how you treat them,. tThis will help your child
develop his/her awareness of God's creation and its
diversity. You can teach this by telling stories of your
own family experiences and history, and letting them
know how you value it. Most importantly, teach them
how to pick lessons from cultural diversity. I am an
advocate of understanding cultural diversity and using
them for life lessons and skills you need. Give your
children opportunities to see and take part in cultural
events, different foods and music, etc. Sometime this
year we travelled to see my parents in the eastern part of
Nigeria and my children observed that eating ‘swallow’
 with soup was a daily ritual in my family home. They
discussed it with me and we sat down to analyze it. We
came out with the ability to adapt to cultural differences.
Most of the skills we teach our children come from daily
occurrences and events as well as experiences. Just
ensure you are intentional enough to understand when
these teaching and& learning moments come into play.
You are the first teacher of your child.

3. Communication
This is one of the most important parts of every human
life. It's about understanding the things we see, hear,
read and understand. Every child needs words for
thinking and learning.

How do you teach your child communication skills?

 Have fun with them using words. Sing for them,

and ask them for ideas, anything to ensure you
communicate.
 Read and tell stories to them. In fact, reading
aloud to them from when they are very young is
very beneficial,ly as this will enhance their
listening skills. Even babies get value from
listening to your voice.
 One of the most important things you can do for
your children is to talk with them and listen to
them as they talk to you.

4. Social Developmen Developmentt

Your child starts learning about feelings and how to get
along with other people from when they are born. For
your child to learn social development you must help
him develop and learn how to communicate their
feelings. Never force children to relate when they are
uncomfortable, you must ensure they understand why
 they should first before you do. Prepare them., mMake
them ready., tThhis is key to their social development. A
parent shared with me how she had to withdraw her son
from a Sunday school. He was already 3 and she felt he
was ready to interact and be on his own with people, but
she didn't reckon that she needed to prepare him. So,
the first day he was taken there, he wailed till service
was over. ThenSo she decided to go and teach him social
skills to get him ready first. About 6 months later, she
felt her son was ready. She took him back and he was
able to cope.

Let’s learn to teach these life skills deliberately. Formatted: Font: Italic

Don't try to make them share toys and other things that
are important to them before they are ready to. To a
young child this doesn't seem like sharing -– iit just
seems like taking his or her things. You will need to
teach this deliberately. When my son was about 4 years
old, his cousins were around for holiday at our home. We
had just got him a better toy car, and persuaded him to
give his cousin the former one he had. That experience
was a very bad one for him. He hated that we had to give
his toy out. That made me realize that we had not
prepared him for this part of life. So, we started to
deliberately prepare him. And he understood why he
should give when needed. Recently he gave out one of his
favorite toys to a total stranger we picked from Cchurch
because the little boy saw his batman leggo toy and liked
it. My point is, don't force these things on your child.
Teach it intentionally.

5. Creativity
CYour children isare usually curious and full of ideas.
Creativity is a child's own special way of expressing
 ideas, thoughts and feelings. Once they can move about,
they like to explore and do things in different ways. By
accepting their ideas and the things they make, you are
encouraging them to explore, take risks and have a go.

Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Not Italic

5. How do you develop the creativity side of your Formatted: No bullets or numbering
child?

~ lLet your child do art: Buy lots of paints, provide

paper, play dough, boxes and dress-ups for pretensed
plays. Are you worried that this will make a mess in your
home? Believe me, most things that are beneficial to your
child are inconveniencing to you. So, learn to
compromise for them.
~ Encourage them to do music: I usually encourage
parents to teach their children to play at least one
musical instrument. Music sparks up creativity.
~ Collect bits and pieces such as leaves, feathers,
paper, and fabric for making things and then display
what they make.
~ Take them out forto entertainment for children: -
movies, face painting , concerts, etc.

6. Thinking
Children must be taught how to think, not what to think. Formatted: Font: Italic
If your child must think then you must allow him look,
listen, question, try out new things and make decisions, Formatted: Font: Not Italic
because that is what thinking involves. Children need Formatted: Font: Not Italic
time to be able to try things over and over until they can
work things out. Sometimes if they are getting
frustratedfrustrated, they will need a little help from an
adult.

How do I help my child think?

 ~Be intentional about the kinds of toys you buy for
your child: Toys like puzzles, building blocks, color
sorting will enhance their ability to think critically.
~When you make decisions, let them know why-—
communicate. For instance,: “I will be roasting the
chicken instead of frying them because it’s healthier to
roast.”
~Buy books that will spark up their imagination:
Someone once asked me why I buy lots of books for my
children. I always say that as a child I imagined things I
couldn’t get or see physically just by reading books. My
father believed books will show you things you might not
ever have the opportunity to see.

7. Technology
Technology is about using things to solve problems. For
example, how to swleep the floor, how to use the washing
machine, how to cut, etc. Technology is all around us
and helps to make life easier. Things like cookers, mops,
scissors, kettles, machines, blender, washing machines,
cars and computers are part of technology.

How can you help your child think about

technology?

~ Ensure that your child (both male and female) gets

involved in the home chores: Teach them how to use
brooms, hammers, computers, etc.

~ Discuss with them how technology helps: for

example, show them how long it can take to walk down
to a shop and how long it takes driving the same
distance.
 ~ When you are using these devices, ensure you
involve them, talk to them about those tools and how
doing that task will be more tedious without those
tools.

~ SAlso show them the different ways things can be

done: For example, washing cloths by hand and using
the washing machine.

~Encourage thinking about how to use things to solve

problems.

8. Health and physical development

Children learn through their bodies even before they can
talk. Babies, toddlers and preschoolers are naturally
active. The foundations for good health are laid down in
the earliest years. Give your child opportunities to PLAY
outdoor everyday if possible. Physical play will help your
child develop strength, balance and skills. Encourage
your child to use his hands -– cutting, threading,
pasting, and drawing. Make sure they get plenty of rest
and healthy food. Make sure your home (and any other
home you take them to) is safe for young children. Safe- Formatted: Font: Not Bold
proof your home. As soon as we had ourthe twins, we Formatted: Font: Not Bold
ensured that our home was safe ,. wWe removed all
obstructions in form decorations and otherwise. I really
do wonder why a home with toddlers will have a glass
center table! When we wanted to get our home in our
city of residence, (Abuja, Nigeria), we insisted on taking a
home that had extra land space for a play place for the
children. The twins were only younglittle as at this time,
but we reckoned that PLAY was key to their
developmental process.
~ Allow your child to play outdoor and make a mess:
There can be lots toof this learning process. Making a
mess can be an important part of learning.

~ Talk to them about trees, weather, birds, fish and

animals. Look for tiny insects that live in the garden.,
tTake walks with them to see nature.

~ Plant seeds and watch them grow.

~ Watch a house being built (and explain why you need

to watch from a safe distance).

~ Explore new places together. Like trying a new park

or going on vacation together.

I wrote this article below some time ago, and I will like
you to read as well, so I have inserted it in this book.

HOW IMPORTANT IS PLAY IN CHILDHOOD?

There is lots of dysfunctional parenting going on today!

There are many signs of dysfunctional parenting, one of

which is FEAR!!

I had a conversation with a client recently and he told me

how he does not allow his children play outdoor, or go out;
......how they are always in-doors either reading or
playing some sort of game.

I said to him "YOU ARE AFRAID" that's why you don't

allow your children play outside. You think you love your
children too much., uUnfortunately you are actually killing
them. He tried to argue that it was just principles, and
wanting the Children to read more and not just play!
Did I hear you right? Do you know that play is learning?
(Talking to myself now)

So, hear it from me today:, the reason most people don't

allow their child play outdoor is fear. You have become
overly protective and just do things that prevent your child
from "just being a kid".

Children no longer get to play in our schools anymore.

Break times have beeing shortened to 10 minutes or even
none at all. One school owner actually told me she doesn't
allow the children play so much because they will sustain
injury in school which will not go down well with their
parents. She is most likely not well informed on the
advantages of playing.

How did we even get here????

I researched on the world educational system and found

out that most good systems have frequent play breaks for
Children. In fact, Finland, for instance, which is reputed to
have one of the best education systems observes 15
minutes break between lessons.

Psychology has found out that "When it comes to brain

development, time in the classroom may actually be less
important than time on the playground". The brain is
created to function on breaks. Absence of play in the lives
of your child can bring depression. The study of bones
says that children who don't play well, stand the risk of
arthritis and other bone related illnesses later in life.

The experience of play changes the connection of the

neurons at the front end of your brain. And without play
those neurons aren't changed. It is those changes in this
prefrontal cortex during childhood that helps wire up the
brain's executive control center which has the critical role
in regulating emotions, making plans, and solving
problems. Simply put,; play prepares a young brain for
life, love and even schoolwork. (pellis)

Not playing is also an indication of high increase in

suicide rates today. Have you seen the recent suicide
rates? It's alarming!
!!!!
Science says that once you have enough of serotonin and
endorphins, depression will be far, and one very key thing
that can cause high production of these hormones is PLAY!

The World Health Organization says that in the next 15

years, antidepressant drugs will be the highest purchased
drugs. We must begin to create avenues to ensure we all
play more.

You must begin to pay attention to Children who don't like

to play because it will come down at them later in life.

In the words of Isaac Onoja "The brain is in constant

motion, and if you slow it down it will plan to kill you". I"If
we play, if we support, we will all stay alive."

Allow play., Teach it, create it!!

 CHAPTER 3
WHAT MAKES A CHILD MISBEHAVE?

Sometime this year a client called me for coaching. First,

I requested we do a pre- coaching session (which is
usually the norm before coaching). She sent me a long
list of the issues she had with her son. This list is
highlighted below and will be our sample ftor
understanding why children misbehave.

*My son of 8yrs is giving me concerns.; I will be precise as

much as I can.

He's aggressive, selfish— thinks only about himself alone,

with no signs of empathy. He's the first child and hardly
shows love or care towards his siblings. His attitude has
made him the most rebuked in the family, always does
things out of order. I have a ‘PhD’ in shouting, my
husband inclusive, but since I joined your group on
Facebook (The Intentional Parent) I started working on my
shouting skills though at times I can't help it ( I've not
gotten there yet).

Let me give an example., wWhen we get them toys, he

spoils his own that same day, if not immediately he
touches it. We all know that; but it doesn't stop there. He
will intentionally spoil his siblings’ own as well because
his own is spoilt. He's happy when his siblings are in bad
books, but they empathize with him when it's his turn. He
can't sacrifice for his younger ones without being told, and
when he does, he does it reluctantly, butwhereas they
easily do that for him without being told. I'm trying to
connect with him as you always preach. At times he acts
like he's seeking attention. I've tried to pin his attitude to
something.; I wonder if it is because his immediate
younger one came early when he was just 1 year and 8
months old, so maybe we shifted attention from him too
quicklyfast. I'm really concerned.

We had a very long chat on the first day.! I will try to lay
down some facts as I did when I spoke withto this client.
The facts are there. This child hasn't been modeled most
of the positive values. All he has done is learn the world
around him. Be it from his parents, teachers or a
caregiver. I pointed out some facts to my client on her
son. They include:

~ Correction without Connection: She is obviously

fighting to correct her child and it's not working. She has
not connected with him yet. He is fighting everything by
his display of misbehavior. It's usually easy for us to
just talk and yell, but most times you can only reach
people via firm and calm assertiveness. This boy has a
very low emotional tank and he is seeking to get it filled
by all means. We must reckon that misbehavior in
children can come as a result of different things playing
out in their lives at the particular moment. It could be
biological, psychological and environmental factors.
However, the two biggest motivators of misbehavior areis
ATTENTION andAND POWER/CONTROL. I will throw
more light:

~ Attention: Children believe that having negative

attention is better than having nNo attention, so they will
do anything to get attention –, positive or negative.

~ Power/Control: Many times, children misbehave just

for the need to exert power and control over others. They
can do this by becoming aggressive, engage in power
struggles, always having to be the first, bossiness, etc.
Children like these will typically respond better when
given choices rather than demands.
~ This parent is also not emotionally intelligent: for
you to raise an emotionally intelligent child you must
become one yourself.; Aagain, you cannot give what you
don't have. We must understand that modelling is more
important than the things we say. If you are teaching
your child a skill and he can't see it in you, it's more
difficult to learn. Gaining insight into what influences
and motivates a child's misbehavior will help your
parenting skills and also handle these issues well when
you are confronted with them. We must reckon that
children come as a clean slate into the world, they learn
the world around them in our environment.
Often children use their behavior to show how they are
feeling about a situation or a thing, and even what they
are thinking. They communicate through their behavior
on most things they can't verbalize, but many times
parents don't get the message.
If we understand how and why children misbehave it will
help us choose the appropriate discipline strategy to use.
You must understand that when your child is
misbehaving, there is an underlying factor that is not
just the behavior you can see.

Many of what we see as bad behavior is actually just

your child exploring and experimenting. Children are
naturally curious. I will like you to think of the world in
your child’s perspective.

According to Ppsychology T today (Ph.D, 2018), these

experiments are of two primary categories: ty. The
natural world and the social world.

The natural world: A child turns a cup of water cup to

spill because he wants to see it happen; w. What you as
an adult will see as physics. Your child is just generally
trying to understand his environment and nature.
The Social world: children will experiment with the
people around them to understand how each person
works. They are also trying to understand how to get
whatever they need from you like love, affection, more
time to play , screen time, etc. Wwe must understand
that children must do these experiments on us to
understand us better.

So, whatever value we are looking to teach our children,

we must understand that it will be better to do this
through our daily interactions with them. So, if we can
see our children’s behavior through the eye of an
experiment which aims at getting useful information
from the people and the world around them, it will help
us as parents to not see their behavior as them
tryingattempts to work us up.
However, there are motivators of misbehavior., Now, let’s
break down these motivators in a way that will make
sense!

The following reasons could be what motivates your child Formatted: Font: Not Bold
to misbehave: Formatted: Font: Not Bold

 Your child wants Attention

Did you know that your child will seek attention at all
cost even if it will means misbehavingor to attract
negative attention? So, for your child,’s negative Formatted: Font: Not Bold
attention is better than no attention at all.

Children feel left out when their “parents are doing their
own thing”, so they will throw a tantrum, whine,
fight/become aggressive. One way to deal with attention -
sseeking behavior is to ignore negative behavior and
praise positive behavior. The truth is that there will never
be a time when you will look back on life and think “oh, I
gave my child too much attention”., rRather, it will be the
other way round. All your child needs is for you to love
them, connect with them and give them a sense of
belonging. A quote by Rebecca Eanes once said,ys
“Cchildren do not enter this world with bad intentions, Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
they do not want to wear us out, test our patience or push Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
us over the edge. They come to us with a need for love,
connection and belonging”.
Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
  They are copying others

Children learn how to behave by watching others. Tthis

is why we say that a child learns his emotions and
reactions from his environment. What is your child
watching? What you expose your child to as
entertainment has a very big influence on their behavior.
We must ensure that we role model healthy behavior to
teach your child how to behave in different situations. I
tell parents to ensure that the man in their mirror is not
the one their child is copying. Children most times will
become who we are, not what we say. I saw a quote some
time ago that says “Eevery father should remember that
one day his son will follow his example, instead of his
voice. One of the reasons I choose to work on my
emotions as a parent was that my children will
consciously or unconsciously copy my character. Yyou
must reckon that you are a major influencer tof who
your child becomes.
I will also like to mention that copying others will also
include what they watch on television. Many times, I ask
parents do youif they know what theiyour child is
watching? I usually don’t get a concrete answer.
Television can be a bad influence on kids because some
TV programs and commercials show all manner of risky
behaviors that can affect the child's actions. My 8 year
old8-year-old son once mentioned to me that his
classmate told him about a game that when you played
it, it kills you at the end. I went on to do my research
and I found out that there were games like that, which
tells you to commit suicide at the end of the game
season. I ask again, do you know the kind of
entertainment your children are exposed to?
  They are testing limits.
For every rule /boundaryies you set, your child will test
your limit. They want to see if you are serious or not.
This is one of the reasons I say to parents, “Ssay what
you mean and mean what you say”. If you can't carry out
your threats, don’t dish themit out. It will do more harm
than good. One of the major reasons children misbehave
is because misbehavior is effective. Once they recognize
that breaking rules gives them result and gets them what
they want, they will learn that misbehavior works and
continue in it. For instance, a child who throws a
tantrum so you can get him a toy in a mall, will learn
that that’s the best way to get suchthat want from you.
Children will try you to find out, what the consequences
will be when they break those rules.
What you must do:

Set clear limits and offer consequences consistently.!

When it comes to dealing with misbehavior, consistency
is the name oif the game, – play it to the end. When
children perceive that they could by even a small chance
that they get away with a particular misbehavior, they
are often tempted to keep at ittry. If you are consistent in
showing them that there is always a consequence for
their misbehavior, they will learn to become more
compliant.
  They Lack Skills

Teaching your child skills will help you in dealing with

misbehavior. Sometimes, cChildren misbehave because
they don't know what to do in situations. For instance, a
child who lacks problem-solving skills will leave his
clothes scattered when they can’t fit them into his closet.
Also, a child who has not beeing taught how to relate
and pass his information in the appropriate way, might
be seen as aggressive when relating to his peers or
adults. Like I said in the previous page, your child also
has emotions;, they feel overwhelmed, they get angry,
sad, happy, upset, afraid, anxious, etc. Lack of emotional
skills can make your child misbehave. Your child can act
out when they are excited, stressed or even bored.

What you must do:? Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Not Italic
Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Not Italic
You must teach your child healthy ways to deal with
their feelings and manage their emotions to prevent
misbehavior. When your child misbehaves, instead of
just dishing out punishments, teach theim what to do,
show theim how to do it , tell thiem why, and show theim
alternatives , so they can learn from them. Use your
child’s misbehavior as a teaching moment.

Most times when our children misbehave we are so

engrossed with dishing out consequences that we forget
that it’s an opportunity to learn and not make that error
again.
  Power and control

This is a contributory factor to misbehavior. When a

problem behavior is as a result of a child trying to have
control over a situation, you may have a power struggle
with them.
What you must do?
You will need to ensure this is avoided., Oone way to
avoid power struggles is to offer the child choices. For
example, will you go and take out the laundry now or
after you are done with your school work? Now, what
this does is that it makes the child feel they have some
sort of control over the situation. This works well with
older children. It can reduce lots of arguments and
increase compliance to instructions on the side of the
child. And most importantly it will foster connection.
Avoid power struggles with your child at all cost.
Children often misinterpret the action and never look at
the intention.

 Independence

This is another reason your child may misbehave. Most

preschoolers want to show off what they can do as soon
as they learn new skills. So, they often struggle to do
things their way. Your Pre-teen also in their attempt to
become independent may argue more and may come
across as disrespectful most times. Independence is a
major trait in teenagers, so, in trying to fight for their
independence they may become rebellious in an attempt
to show you that they can be their own “person.” They
will generally do everything to prove to you that you can’t
force them to do what they don’t want to do.
What you must do:

Give age appropriate freedom. I mean, for a preschooler

there are a certain kind of freedom you cannot afford to
give, even for your teens. Giving age appropriate freedom
will help you meet your child’s craving for independence.

 Mental health challenge

Children with ADHD, for instance, struggle to follow
instructions and they also behave impulsively.
Underlying mental health issues can contribute to
behavior problems. Anxiety or depression can also
contribute to misbehavior.

What to do?

If you in anyway suspect your child might have an

underlying mental health issues, please talk to his/her
doctor.
 CHAPTER 4

WORKING YOUR EMOTIONS TO CONNECT

I saw this quote on a post on Social media:

‘There is a difference between commanding a child to act

mature and ensuring you provide conditions for them to
become mature naturally. We have lost sight of this in
our hurry to make young children learn and meet
expectations for a civilized behavior. We can make them
say sorry but this doesn’t ensure they feel remorse. We
can make them say thank you but it doesn’t ensure they
feel grateful. Immaturity is not a disorder or a deficit that
needs to be corrected in young children. It is the humble
roots from which we all grow’. - Anonymous

InasAs much as we cannot control our children's

experiences or the difficulties they will go through, we
can, however, provide them with the tools they need. We
do that by the way we respond to them daily.

One of the major things you must do to enable you

connect with your child is to work on your emotions.
This is an essential tool required to parent via
connection.

“Many people believe that parenting is about controlling

children’s behavior and training them to act like adults. I
believe that parenting is about controlling my own
behavior and acting like an adult myself. Children learn
what they live and live what they learn.” - L.R Knost

Earlier this year, a pParent approached me for a

coaching session on an issue that looked "unsolvable".
She has been battling with masturbation in her 6- year-
old, a behavior her child had practiced for about 2years
as at the time she came to me. She said she had tried
everything she knew, including beating, punishing,
shouting, controlling, etc., all to no avail. When she came
to me, she wanted me to just give her a magic solution
on "what she will do to the child and have an instant
miracle.

My first line of response to her was "Getting this problem

solved is about you, not your child. My job is to show
you how. You have done all you know, but sometimes all
you know is not enough.” I suggested to her that we go
through an Emotional Intelligence Coaching session. At
first, she was very reluctant., Iin her words, she said
"Tthis is not what I need, I just need my child to stop this
behavior, I am losing it." How does my becoming an
emotionally intelligent person solve this problem?”

My response to her was simple. "You are not yet in the

right frame of mind to tackle this issue. You will keep
losing it because you don't have control of your
emotions. What your daughter needs now is a "listener",
a "non-judger", someone who will acknowledge her
current state, and begin to influence her, not "force
her"/bully her.

Eventually I was able to convince her to go through the

coaching session on "Becoming an Emotionally
Intelligent Parent." After the 3days coaching session, her
reviews brought tears to my eyes.

She said, “Wendy, you were sent to me. You don't know
what you have done. I owe you., I can't pay you enough."
More parents need thisit; we need knowledge.”

If you find yourself battling with an misbehavior from

your child and you are thinking that using
force/corporal punishment will help,..... I am here to
burst your bubble: IT WILL NOT HELP YOU.!

All you will do most of the times is to end up raising a

"Hypocrite"., wWho will pretend and do your bidding
when you are there, and continue what he/she wants,
when you are not there.

Many times, it takes you! to bring about the needed

change, Nnot the child.

Stop bullying your child., Llearn the skill to help you

parent without bullying and aggression. Emotional
Intelligence skills put you as a master/influencer over
your child, not a controller.

Your child needs an Influencer, not a Ccontroller!!! How

much have you influenced your child?
Your child needs a champion, not a judge.
DOES EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE MATTER TO THE Formatted: Space After: 12 pt
SUCCESS OF YOUR CHILD?

People with well-developed emotional skills are more

likely to be content and effective in their lives, mastering
the habits of the mind that foster their own productivity.;
Ppeople who cannot marshal some control over their
emotional life fight battles that sabotage their ability for
focused work and clear thought.

— Daniel Goleman, "Emotional Intelligence"

 EQ has a greater impact on success than other

factors.

Your IQ only accounts for 20% of your success in life.

Your emotional intelligence and social intelligence are
much greater determinants of the success you will
achieve in life.

 The ability to delay gratification is a primary

indicator of future success.

Delayed gratification is the top predictor of future

success. People who are able to overcome instant
gratification,, pay the price today and delay the rewards
are much more likely to succeed in life. Being
emotionally intelligent teaches you delayed gratification.

 High EQ leads to healthy relationships with

others.
Our emotional skills are directly linked to our
relationships with others. When we become emotionally
intelligent, it teaches us to:

 Understand our feelings

 Understand wWhere our feelings come from
 Understand how to properly express our feelings,
which in turn will lead to our ability to maintain
healthy relationships.
Until weyou learn to control our emotions, communicate
your feelings constructively, and understand the feelings
of others, your relationships will be a mess at all levels,
including with your child.

 Emotional health has impacts on physical

health.

Studies have it that over 80% of our health problems are

stress-related.

Why do we experience stress? Simply because we are not

comfortable emotionally. There is a need to understand
the link between our emotional health and our physical
health. The greatest remedy for stress, especially in
parenting is a well-developed Emotional Intelligence.

Children who have poor emotional skills can be a

challenge.

 They may become the class bully because they

don’t understand how to control their emotions
  Most of them learn to fight physically for
everything., Tthey don’t understand how to reason
and communicate.
 They can have a poor attention span in class, and
frustration.
 Some children who are not emotionally intelligent
might have Ppoor performance in school and are
most likely going to make friends with others in
the same ship.

The path to crime starts early in life. I know there is an

obvious link that environments are strong contributors
to the path of crime, however the common reason is often
times poor emotional and social skills.

PARENTING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCET Formatted: Space After: 12 pt

How will mastering your emotions help you connect

to control your child?

We all know that people who are in full control of their

emotions are calmer in crisis, and they make decisions
sensitively, no matter how stressful the situation. We
also know people who can read the emotions of others
understand what to say to make people feel better, and
they know how to inspire them to take action. People like
this have high emotional intelligence (or EI). They have
strong relationships, and they manage difficult situations
calmly and effectively. They're also likely to be resilient in
the face of adversity.

Why do you need to parent with emotional

intelligence?

Research has shown that increased Emotional

Intelligence leads to better health, academic
achievement, and stronger relationships! It’s a learnable,
measurable, scientifically-grounded skill set that helps
children. Parents are the most important people who will
need to learn these life-changing, world-changing skills,
because they are the greatest influencers of future
generations. If you cannot control your emotions as a
person,erson believe me, you can’t teach it either.
Children will do what you do more than what you say.

What can working on your emotions do for you?

 It will help you adapt to complexity and stress
 It will foster positive, healthy relationships,
including that withof your child
 It will spark up innovation and resilience in you.
 It will help you grow compassion and inner peace,
as well as become calmer.
 You will become more positive
 Most importantly it will help you connect more to
people, especially your child.
Parenting is an emotional adventure. We have many
(many!) opportunities to practice “being smarter with
feelings.” This will make parenting more peaceful, more
fulfilling;, and using our emotional intelligence is key for
us to influence our children in more positive ways. It all
starts with us learning this life- changing skill. As
parents, we must see the value of emotions and
emotional self-awareness, become more self-aware, and
have tools to help our children do the same.
The big question is,

“What do I need to change within myself to help

encourage change in my child?”

What to Know! Commented [H2]: What is the intent of this phrase? I don’t
quite see it.

EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
A 100% responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and
especially your behaviors, gives you a better control over
your emotions and reactions as well as over your life and
your family.
Ask yourself these questions:
Can my child make me angry?
Can someone drive me crazy?
When you take responsibility for your emotions, you will
understand that you make yourself angry, or drive
yourself crazy with your own thoughts and feelings.

Let me share a brief story with you. Recently a parent

was so worried that she will always have to chase her
children to do their homework and, in the
processprocess, she loses her temper, yells and
sometimes she hit thems. I told her she didn’t need to get
worked up about things like this. She was so upset that
said, “Aah, so you want me to let these children fail in
school?” I said no, I only want you to teach them
responsibility. One of the key things managing your
emotions will do for you is to teach your child to become
responsible for their thoughts and actions. I told this
parent that she needed to get this right herself first. This
was my advice to her:

“Let them understand that doing their homework is their

responsibility, not yours. Show this, by not getting so
worked up if their work is not done., iIf there is any
consequence at school by their teacher for not
submitting a homework, let them face it. Create a
schedule or routine to help the children follow, and insist
they do.”

For my children, if you miss that scheduled time for no

tangible reason, you will go to school without doing your
work and meet the consequence for it. And believe me, I
don’t lose sleep over this., tThey understand it clearly
that, it’s their work, not mine, and I won’t take a fall for
it either. We are usually too afraid to let our children
encounter hitches in life, which I understand. However,
you must reckon that this also hinders your child’s
developmental process. For you to parent, your emotions
must be in check to enable you do it right and foster
relationship., rRemember, parenting is relationship with
your child, not just a job.

Children don’t make’ us angry. We make that decision

ourselves. I know that sounds a little difficult to swallow
but ithis is the truth. We must realize that the decisions
on our emotions is made by us, not any other person.
Children will be children always, this is never going to
change. It is your strong attitude of emotional
responsibility that makes you have control over your our
own heart and mind and set a good example for your
child.

REVIEW HOW YOU WERE PARENTED

Looking at how we were parented will help you manage

how you parent. This is part of Emotional Responsibility.

Please take an honest look at how your father related to

you, how your mother related to you, and how they
related to each other. How did your parents parent you?
How are you doing it: the same, or different? You may be
copying your parents’ habits, consciously or
unconsciously, even when you don’t want to.
Remember, ‘telling’ a child something, while ‘doing’
another doesn’t work well. “Don't worry about a child
not listening to you, worry that they are watching you.
What you do speaks loud.

Use of Words and their effects

In connection parenting, your words, actions, attitude

and energy you portray areis key. Are you able to
differentiate a negative behaviour from who your child is
as a person? In disciplining a child, remember the
distinction in your words and tone between “YOU are
bad” vs. “You DID a bad thing”. We can love the
person/child, and NOT love their behaviour, at the same
time.

Emotional Clues

Your emotions are signals – they are messages from you

to you. But many people find it challenging to notice (and
accept) their own emotions. Begin to notice your own
tone of voice and body language to give yourself clues
about your feelings. Being emotionally intelligent means
that you are accurate in reading another person, not that
you assume you know. Don't Guess.! Ask!

Emotions are Contagious

Emotions are contagious. – W we automatically,
unconsciously, pick up emotions from others. Get
curious about this phenomenon. O: Observe the way
emotions are being passed from family member to family
member. Observe the way different emotions are affecting
different members of the family — including yourself.

Why is an Emotional Vocabulary Important?

An emotional vocabulary is the collection of words your

child uses to express her feelings and reactions to
events. Even before she learned to talk, your child was
beginning to build an emotional vocabulary.

Many parents provide words for the strong and common

emotions children feel like happiness, sadness, and
anger. But we sometimes overlook the fact that there’s a
large and varied vocabulary of emotion. Children need a
larger pool of words to draw on to be able to express all
their emotions as well as to be able to read the cues that
indicate other people’s feelings.

It would be nice if the ability to read cues and to respond

in a socially appropriate manner was innate, but it’s not.
Kids develop emotional literacy by social experience and
by being taught. Some children, like children with
Autistic Spectrum Disorders, have more difficulty than
others learning emotions and need more extensive
teaching than others.

Kids learn via teaching, but they also absorb the lessons
that are going on around them. It’s a good idea to begin
to talk through your own feelings and reactions with a
variety of different words. For example, instead of
cursing out at the driver who overtakes you wrongly,
take a breath and say, "I’m so frustrated;, people don’t
follow road signs and driving rules. I’m worried this
might cause accidents on the road.”

CHAPTER 5:
CONNECTING WITH YOUR CHILD
Your parenting journey is more about the time you spend
with your children than the money you spend on them.
~Wendy Ologe

There are various ways to connect with your child. and I

will show you three (3):3 ways;

(1. )THE RELATIONSHIP

Homes should be built on resilient relationships, not

rigid rules.

Like I said earlier in this book, building a relationship

with your child is most important. Parenting is the
toughest relationship to build, so it requires more tools
and knowledge. I often say that your ability to correct an
individual is majorly influenced by the level of
relationship you have with them, your children inclusive.
The truth is that you can only correct what you know.
A child you don’t build relationship with today won’t let Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
you into his life tomorrow.

Whatever kind of relationship you build with your child,

will become the bedrock of all other relationships they
will build.
I like the way Bridget Miller puts it: “Our children’s first
experience with trusting another is with us. Their
relationship with us will become the bedrock upon
which they build all future relationships. We should
never take that lightly. Being given someone’s heart
is a precious gift. Be sure to handle it thoughtfully
and care for it tenderly.”

Most of us have parents whom we cannot let into our

lives because they didn’t consider relationship to be more
important to them. You must begin to focus and
prioritize and make relationship the anchor;, it is the
most important element over anything else in parenting.
It is relationship that fosters connection, and connection
itself is what builds empowerment, self-worth and self-
esteem. It takes away the anxiety of raising a child.
Parent- child connection is what really matters.

For you to build an amazing relationship with your child,

you must:
 Accept your child for who they are
Do you love your child because of what they do or
because of who they are?

Pause and think about thise question above for a while.,

Ddon’t be in a hurry to answer. If you give it a thought,
you might realizse that the answer is not as simple as it
looked at first.
Children want to be accepted so badly that they will
sometimes use unacceptable behavior to gain attention.
Acceptance can be conditional or unconditional.
Unconditional acceptance is based on who the child is,
while conditional acceptance focuses on what the child
does, how they look, etc.

Being able to accept your child in a heavy crisis like "Dad

I am pregnant" depends on how well you accept her in
the more common everyday things as she is growing up.
Children raised with unconditional acceptance stand a
much better chance of feeling good self-worth. They feel
more secure in their relationship with you as a parent.
Acceptance is key in parenting because it develops
security.

Many people today seek validation from others because

first theyre were not parented with conditional
acceptance;: theyyou arweree loved for what theyyou
doid. Thus, they believe that before they are accepted
they must earn it. Your child needs your unconditional
acceptance to be able to survive the waves children face
growing up in ourthe 21st Ccentury.
Think about it! Is your acceptance conditional?

I hear parents say they wished thatey their daughter was

a "Male child" or they wished their dark complexion
daughter was fairer. Obviously, this shows that if that
child was male or was a fairer girl you would have "more
acceptance." toward them. Parents go as far as changing
the skin color of their child to get what they want. I have
seen parents force their naturally born left-handed child
to use their right hand instead of their left just as they
were created because "they don’t accept it.” This makes
the child feel insecure, thinking a left-handed person is
inferior to a right-handed person. You are killing the
child's self-worth.

In most families, some children are "more accepted than

the others." Sometimes it could be because a particular
child is 'smarter' than the others or is 'better behaved'.
As much as its human nature to accept conditionally, Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
Intentional Parenting teaches you to intentionally accept
your child without conditions.

A lot of parents are still struggling with their own lack of

good self-image and healthy self-esteem. Because mMost
people grew up in homes where you find little acceptance
or if you got any acceptance it was conditional (on a
performance). But trust me, you can break this cycle
with your children using parenting education. Remember
you can't give what you don’t have!

Every child is special, accept them for who they are. The Formatted: Font: Not Bold
accepted child, will accept himself. Someone with poor
sense of self-worth is a slave to people’s opinions;, you
don’t want that for your child. It’s every parent’s job to
give his/her child a healthy sense of personal self-worth
and every parent who does that will be a hero to their
child. AgainThink about it, is your acceptance
unconditional?
 Be physically available

When you are available to your children, what they hear

is "You are Iimportant", and when you are not available it
says "oh yes, I love you, but other things still come ahead
of you. You are not really that important."

My Boss, taught me something some years back about

being available. He said to me, "These children will never Formatted: Font: Not Bold
be this age in their lives again., Tthis is your only Formatted: Font: Not Bold
opportunity to make an impact.". Formatted: Font: Not Bold
Formatted: Font: Not Bold
I have not forgotten this, and never will!
You know it takes effort and time to make people feel
important. Most times we volunteer in different areas in
the children's school, to show 'our availability'. Don't get
me wrong; it’s not as easy, but we can all do it. There is
always an excuse to do nothing. So, on this particular
day, it was cultural day in the children’s school. My
husband and I couldn’t make it to the children's school.
We were "not available". My daughter didn’t forgive us so
easily., iIn her words, "I felt like I didn’t have a parent".
Interestingly, you will be amazed at what you will hear
when you ask for feedback from your child. After that
incidence we haven’t tried "not being available" again.

One of mMy parenting goals for the past 3 years now has
been to be available no matter what it takes. There are Formatted: Font: Italic
other important things of course, but I always remember
that any missed time is another missed opportunity. Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
These children will never be this age again. Formatted: Font: Italic

Sometimes your child just wants you to stop and just

catch a glimpse of him.
Sometimes they just want you to listen.!
Sometimes they just want to be encouraged.
Sometimes they just want to be cheered.
Be Available!

Financial obligation is not enough; you must make out

time to be there!

A client who booked a one-on-one session with me some

days ago and I was talking to him on how his presence is
paramount in his children's life. In his defense as to 'why
he is not available', hHe said, "I can't just be there
without money nah, my children prefer this money to me
being there. What will I be doing for them?" “Oga, iIf your
children no longer care about you beieng available and
they only want your 'money', you have lost this game”
w.....Was my straight-from-the-heart response to him.

You can relate, right? Little wonder many parents have

no connection with their children. Do you really think
that meeting financial obligations alone makes you a
"Good Parent?” No amount of gifts and meeting financial
obligations can replace "YOU." There is something called
balance. Children don't need presents, they need
presence. If you invest in your child, you don’t have to
invest for your child. The only sure inheritance that you
can leave behind is the investment you make in your
child and not for the child.
Have you ever heard of "responsibility shift?" As a parent,
do you recognize when you are needed most in your
child's life? A child's life is in phases; your responsibility
to them shifts from time to time. I have had to change so
many things because of my children, including the
number of hours I serve in Cchurch, my department at
work place, including my travel times.
What changes are you making to ensure you are present
in your children's life? Remember, pParenting can
neither be delegated nor suspended for a while as we
work for the ring of fame and fortune.

The growth of a child is irreversible. You can’t pick it

from where you left it after you reach the top in your
career or money pursuits. Like a young tree, it takes the
same shape as directed by the groomer. You can’t shape
it in adulthood; it’s easier to mold young children than to
rehabilitate adults.
Be a Present Parent.

 BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE
Many parents are available physically but not available
emotionally. Being emotionally available is about
connection. As much as we usually focus on physical
availability, whenever being available comes up,
emotional availability is also very key to parenting
relationships.
If you find yourself always criticizing your children:
Oh, you didn’t do that well!....
How many times will I have to teach you this?
Oh, you still don't know how to write well at your age?
Always blaming them:

I would have finished this work if not that I came to pick

you from school.
You people are the ones keeping me at home.
Always complaining about one thing or another:
Why is this cup here?
Why are you reading now?
Why must you wash plates now?
....and it goes on and on. It shows that you are
emotionally unavailable. There is a better way. Until you
learn a better way, parenting will keep looking like trial
and error.

Read this response on one of my post on the Intentional

Parent Facebook group.

“Hi, my one year old has been cranky and clingy. my Formatted: Font color: Text 1
husband and I were already thinking we need to be a bit
high- handed with him. But I read and realized it was a Formatted: Font color: Text 1
phase, learning to walk and talk tasks his brain a lot so
he needs tons of reassurances from us. We started
implementing the things we learnt ...He's starting to
respond fantastic. I'd missed it with my first; I had to take
lessons on how to be emotionally available as a parent. I'd
lost him before but now, He's 20 and we are still working
on our relationship.

Most times, as parents, we think how our parents handled

us was best and we don't know better. Wish I knew better
then but its better late than never, right?. Formatted: Font color: Text 1
Formatted: Font color: Text 1
Thank you Wendy Ologeyou, Wendy Ologe, for this
Formatted: Font color: Text 1
platform".
Anonymous
Dear parents,

Please stop digging that hole. The first law of getting out
of a hole is to stop digging… Just stop digging!
  Be accountable

I was invited to speak to parents at a school function

some time ago. Before my keynote address, I listened to
many parents speak about the school and their teachers.
One thing I took away from that event that bothered me
so much was that every parent is looking for who to hold
accountable for their child's failure or inadequacy;y….
and unfortunately, they are never thinking of sharing
that responsibility. They don't think they should be held
accountable in any way. As I stood to speak, the first
thing I said to them was, “I am here to hold you
accountable.”

It is easy to cast blames on someone else without

thinking that the first person to accuse when youwe fail
should be “you. ” For everything your child becomes, you Formatted: Font: Italic
will be held accountable, if not by men, by God. Your
child's caregivers and teachers are only supporters on
this journey. You must should be involved in raising
your child., Yyou have a major role to play!
Socioal-emotional learning will majorly come from you as
a parent. There is a new trend of devastating emotional
state for children. Increased mental health challenges.
Increased drug abuse cases amongst teens. Increased
sSuicide rates in children. Increased teen depression.

I hear people blame nature, school systems,

environment, and even God, etc., for all these. But blame
every factor all you can, you, the parent, are the answer Formatted: Font: Italic
to many of your child’s struggles.
Did you know that the brain has the ability to rewire
itself via the environment? Sadly, we are doing this
negatively and adding to the struggles of our children.
The truth is that children are now deprived of the basic
foundations of a healthy childhood;. wWe now have
emotionally unavailable parents.! I have seen parents
who stay with their children all day yet they are not
available to their children emotionally. Many parents are
emotionally imbalanced, so they find it difficult to be
emotionally available. For you to raise an Emotionally
Intelligent Child you must become one yourself!

 Be affectionate
Give aAffectionn,. Wwithout it, children can perish.
Studies have it that when someone cares about you,
cherishes you, and treats you with tenderness, it literally
makes you healthier.
Affection is not just to your children but also to your
spouse. It’s proven that the highest security you can give
a child is loving your spouse and showing it.
Having a happy family is one the greatest things you can
do for your child. We often say these things but do our
children see it? Remember, in modeling value, you show
and do, not just say.

I aAm sure every parent loves their child. The problem is

not if you love your child or not, but do you really show
it? Most times our love is overshadowed by exhaustions,
worry, work, etc. Our lives are often times full.; iIt can be
hard sometimes to just delight in bringing up children.
Showing affection/affirmation of love to your children
can be an almost impossible task for a lot of parents.
Think about it, when last did you hear your parents say
"I lLove you?” (Some people never heard that growing
up). Unfortunately, we are doing the same things our
parents did. We were parented the same way;, that’s
what we know. This is why I keep saying "pParenting is a
learnt skill." Never assume you know it, because you saw
your parents do it "their way."
When last did you tell your child "I Love You?"
Usually, parents tend to give affection more to younger
children than the older ones. By the time children enter
secondary school many parents practically stop kissing
and hugging the child. (tThat is if they were doing that at
all.) Of course, most teenagers tend to give us the notion
that they don’t need it, but in fact they need affection the
most, because if they don’t get it, they will fulfill their
need of it in the wrong way.

Affection is a lifelong need., yYou must sShow affection

to foster relationships. Never say "oh, they already know
I love them;, I don’t need to say it all the time."
Reaffirmation is key in fostering parenting relationship.

Say it and &Sshow it. Hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle, curl
up, snuggle in (in my son’s words).
Is Love sSpoken in your home?
Have you hugged you children today?
Have they heard you say "I LOVE YOU" today?
Show aAffection., Iit helps your child feel secured at
home—and outside home..
(2) COMMUNICATION

You must understand that communication is key to your

connecting with your child. You must learn how to speak
the language your child understands. This quote by
Lawrence Cohen of Pplayful Pparenting buttresses my Formatted: Font: Italic
point.

Children don’t say “I had a hard day can we talk?” They Formatted: Font color: Text 1
say “will you play with me?” Tthat is the language that Formatted: Font color: Text 1
connects them to bonding. Formatted: Font color: Text 1

How do you foster communication?

 Create Time
Making time to bond and reinforce your love for your
children can help them greatly to feel safe and secure,
and this gives room for open communication.
We live very busy lives nowadays. Many parents do 9-5
jobs and spend very little time with their children,
especially during the weekdays. Also coupled with after-
school activities and homeworks and all. This means that
most children are usually on the run.

Connection is not physical. ....iIt means your child feels

supported and safe with you.

Do you know what comforts your child? This is part of Formatted: Font: Not Bold
connecting with your child, and these things change as
they grow and develop. We must learn to become the
students of our children.
Growing up, most people hated to go home, because
home was not '"safe and secure", especialmostly
emotionally. Do you know that 80% of adults feel their
parent’s didn’t really love them as children?. Now, it’s not
lack of love that makes children feel this way, it’s just
that as a parent you unconsciously create many barriers
that "shield" your love.

Become more intentional in creating connection with

your child via communication and stop making excuses.
Carve out quality time for your child, fill up their
emotional tank. Sitting in front of the television with your
child while pressing your phone is not quality time.

 Work Your Emotions

As much as beieng honest with our feelings is okay, we
must also learn that being authentic does not mean
telling or showing the other person how angry we are.
Many of us believe that as we recognize our feelings, take
responsibility and work through them, then we can also
dump our feelings on the next person in the name of
being honest. The truth is that when you do this
especially to your child, it actually looks like tantrums.

Anger is a valid emotion, yes, but it doesn't give you the

right to dump it on someone else, especially your child.
Every emotion is data and must be used diagnostically. I
have found out that many parenting issues are
embedded in lack of control over our own emotions. Most
parents believe they have the right to dump their
emotions on a child whenever a problem behavior shows
up.
If you cannot control your emotions as an adult then you Formatted: Font: Not Bold
should not have the right to raise another human,
especially your own child.
Are you aware of who you are emotionally? Formatted: Font: Italic

(3) TURNING YOURSELF INTO A MODEL

You want your child to have problem- solving skills yet

you never model this. You want your child to treat people
with empathy, how will they learn it? Wwhen they can't
read it from you?. Someone said to me the other day,
that we should use dialogue to solve our security
problems in the country. My question is, "Do we model
dialogue in solving problems? No!!!. We model anger,
violence, and expect our children to do otherwise.

Until we understand that our children will do most of

what we do and not just what we say, nothing will
change.

Our leaders and even our youths are a sign that our
parenting system needs urgent intervattention.

 Be That Person You Want Your Child To

Become
Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Be the Change you want to
see in the world".
Just know that, you can't give what you don't have (I
have repeated this many times in this book already). If
you want your children to model iIntegrity, then you
must show them the value of integrity. If you want your
child to be a reader, you will need to start reading as
well. A friend once complained to me that her children
barely read anything, and; my first question to her was
"Do they see you read?" Your guess is as good as mine.
When I wanted my children to show high level of
emotional intelligence, I knew I needed to learn this skill
myself. Yes, I wasn’t very emotionally intelligent.
However, I didn’tNot just wishing it or, or pray foring it,
...but I INTENTIONALLY went through parenting
courses, emotional intelligence courses, reading lots of
books and mastering the arct of putting my emotions in
check. This is why I will always say great parents are Formatted: Font: Italic
made, not born. Formatted: Font: Italic

Whatever you see your child do, watch it, and review
yourself or that of your partner. Don't ever think, you
can tell, lecture, bribe, force or trick your children into
being the people we want them to be.
No matter how much we try, in the end, who we are will
have greater influence over the people they become. I will
share at some point how I saw myself being greatly
influenced by my father's character.
Listen to Gandhi., Be the change, you want to see.

 Teach Value By Modeling

Teaching values to our children is not theoretical

rhetoric. It's in the things we say and do daily, it's no
formal class.
So sometime in October 2018, I was listening to a guest
speaker on a radio programme who had a story to share
on how a male teacher made passes at her at age 9. One
things that struck with that story she shared was how
she understood that she shouldn't cut corners to become
the best in her class even though she wanted it. Now,
this is not to say that we should not teach our children
to aim high, it is a call to let our children understand
that if you must aim high, you must work for it. It's a call
to parents to teach and model values!

In her story, her teacher who was coming on to her like

an adult, had noticed that she wasn't the first in the
class for that term and offered her to rewrite her exams
with answers availed to her in order to ensure she
becaomes tops of the class. In her words, the teacher
said, “I love you and I will like you to be the best". Tthen
he goes on to give her a peck on the cheek. She said
something very profound; “Aas much as I was very
interested in becoming the best in my class, I wasn't
desperate. I knew that if I must become the best, then I
must earn it, not get it by the wrong means.” She went
further to say that she knew her parents will only
encourage her to do better when they see her result (9 thh Formatted: Superscript
out of 30 people). She understood that it was wrong to
cheat in any way because she had not just beeing
taught, her parents had modeled this to her severally at
home. (It breaks my heart when I see parents who just
give their children the impression that being tops of the
class is a do or die affair.).

Well,So shethis lady chose to say NO to herthis teacher,

even when the teacher tried to persuaded her. She
eventually reported to her parents who ensured this
teacher was sacked. (This happened in the 80’s, when
this kind of story was not even believed from a child, talk
less of action taken). These parents were indeed some
super heroes.

Dear parent,

You will not be with your child, when they will be making
life- changaltering decisions. The best you can do is to
equip them nowyour child with the tools he or she will
necessarily needs at such times. What values are you
passing on to your child? Modeling helps you connect
with your child which in turn enables you teach your
values seamlessly. You cannot teach someone who
doesn't believe in you.
The best thing that can happen to any parent is having a
child who will live their values in their absence, a child
who will listen to their words even when they are gone.

Your first role as a parent is to make your child believe Formatted: Font: Not Bold
you are his or her hHero/role model. Remember you will
not be there at all times, therefore commit to becoming Formatted: Font: Not Bold
your child's role model. They learn by observing and
drawing conclusions about what they think is important
in life, regardless of what you teach consciously.

Now, let’s look at this.! Parents are not the only source
children learn value; there is the place of peers as well as
media.

Peers certainly will have influence on your children,

especially from 8years and up; and hey, there is nothing
wrong with a young child thinking for themselves and
developing their own world view as much as we may
want them to retain our view. But it’s been proven that if
children have good self-esteem and great family values,
they are more likely to pick friends who share same or
similar valuess with you. Also, research shows that
children who have stronger relationships with their
parents will have a better chance to see and filter
through the values he/she picked from the parents in
her world experiences, including the opinion of her peers.

Talk about the media, television, movies, books, schools,

religious institutions, internet and others. They are no
doubt strong teachers regarding value. However, as
strong as these forces may be, studies show that most
people still point to their parents as the primary source
of their values.
Become a model of your values by:

 Making it relevant to your child.: Values are not

just theorized conceptsy, but practical notions and
beliefs you live by. And when your children make
decisions about their own lives, if you modelled
effectively, you will notice a lot will beare value-
laced decisions.
For Example,

 Should your 10- year- old daughter report to a

teacher that a classmate cheated?
 -Should your 7- year- old apologize to that boy he
talked down onat?
 -Should your 14- year-old daughter return that
book she borrowed?
These decisions are what develop value. Never miss the
chance to help your child make these decisions
consciously.

 Practicing what you preach. Model it!!!!

 Teaching your child empathy. Do you know that
values have their roots in compassion? Empathy
is the foundation of compassion.
 Relating your life decisions to the values you
portray.; Talk about it to your child. For example,!
Eelections are around the corner., Why are you
voting Mr. "A" as president? Great question to
emphasis your values.!
 Reinforcing expression of values.: Whenever, you
see your child demonstrate a value that is
important to you, recognize it, talk about it.
 I am happy you were honest with me about what
happened in school today.
 I realized, you did all the chores before you were
told, that’s what I call being responsible!
 Don't lLecture.: Take anSeize the opportunity to
connect when a situation comes up. Let them
share their experiences and decisions, then you
take the chance to ask questions, so they can
think on their decisions and theits moral
implications. Don't overshadow with your views.
This resonates better, than a lecturing session.
 Discussion Starters.: You can share an event that
happened in your own life; look around you, they
are so many. You can also choose a book or movie
you can watch with your child, with the goal of
character building. Don’t stop at seeing the movie,
discuss it.!
  Letting your children see you get involved in
community development. You live in an estate,
and you have never been involved in any
neighborhood project or even attended any
meeting.; yYou even make passing comments like,
‘that’s their business!’ Even joining a service group
in Cchurch or even volunteering to work and
support the school community your children go to.
Some people will even say “after paying school
fees?” Just know that these children are learning!
Your child needs to see that you are involved in
the welfare of the larger community. Your
involvement helps them appreciate how the
invisible works of others helps each of us daily.
My children just moved to a new school last year
session, and t. Teachers in thereat school keep asking
if we have been in that school for more than a year.
Interestingly, we have only spent 1I year, but we are
totally involved. ......"wWe are also students here." is
the common(Popular joke by my husband and I share
every time.) Why do we do that? Because community
involvement is one of our core values;, we live it
intentionally!
Parents, let’s get Intentional!
Stop assuming Parenting.
Commented [H3]: At the beginning of this Chapter you said
you’ll share 3 ways to connect with children but you eventually
shared 2 (Relationship and Communication). Review that please.
CHAPTER 6:
CORRECTING THE CHILD

CONNECT TO CORRECT

When dealing with “misbehavior" from a child, one thing

that should top your list should be connecting to correct
and not commanding to correct. Commanding your child
at all times can make them rebellious. It can also make
your child resent you, think of revenge or even rRetreat
from relating with you (The 4 R'sS of Punishment).
Connecting to correct uses the concept of building
relationships rather than just being a "taskmaster.".
Does it mean you should become a permissive parent?
No way! Permissiveness makes a child develop the belief
that love means “I should do whatever I want.".

Connecting to Correct simply means you should connect

to deal with the belief behind a misbehaviour and not
just the behaviour. It means you should be firm and kind
at the same time. Corporal punishment never gets you
desired results. My Mmum didn't use corporal
punishments on us yet she had the desired result of
responsible children.

Pain-based technique for dDiscipline may stop a problem

behaviour for only a short time, but it does no't fix it. In
fact, most times it may cause other bad behaviours to
crop up. It can also turn negative as the child may get
habituated to the pain. “Flogging" a child is just a quick
fix. It can turn your child to become more fearful,
aggressive, and stressed. Now, that is not to say you
should not create boundaries or limits or hold your
children accountable, it only means we must learn to do
these from the point of knowledge.
When you connect to correct

 It will help your child feel a sense of belonging and

significance.
 Your child will see you as kind while still being
firm.
 It’s more effective in the long run.
 It teaches valuable social and life skills on
character development, cooperation and most
importantly problem- solving skills.
 It helps your child discover how capable they are,
and how to use their power constructively.
Start connecting! Stop Commanding!

This acronym for connection says all that connection is

about.
C-Communicate
O-Own up to your limitation
N-Never manipulate
N-Negotiate
E-Evolve
C-Compliment
T-Teach
I-Innovate
O-Objectively Review/Criticize
N-No negative guidance

HOW MUCH KNOWLEDGE DO YOU HAVE?

I had an encounter with a parent whose 10- year -old

son has sexual behavior problems. She had tried hitting,
beating and all sorts of measures she knew and still did
not get results. I started working with her recently. And I
have had several of similar encounters in the recent past
with parents. These encounters made me realize that
parents most times don’t have enough knowledge and
tools to know what to do in situations of misbehaviors. It
was obvious this parent didn’t understand the sexual
developmental stages of the human body. This case also
showed that when parents finally recognize that their
child has a problem, that problem has already been
developing for years.
How do you avoid the too-late syndrome???
Start Now.! Learn.! Get Informed.

Parents need to get proper information on parenting

before these problems show up. Many times, parents
have read no books, attended no courses/seminars and
have studied nothing that would prepare them to
successfully deal with parenting issues. If you must
become a successful parent in the 21st1st cCentury, then Formatted: Superscript
you need information. Formatted: Superscript

The truth is that there are no good parents or bad

parents, there are just parents who understand how the
brain works—, parents who are intentional about every
thought and move they make in parenting, and those
that don't yet. Parenting with peace and calm is not
about perfection, it’s about awareness. Parenting is
about you. the parent.s, uUntil you recognize that, you
will keep making parenting mistakes that can ruin your
child.

You can learn to parent with peace and calm. You can
learn to ditch yelling and use the discipline that works.,
Yyou can take charge of your emotions and become an
influencer/role model to your children just by
knowledge. The smoothness of your parenting journey is
a function of how much knowledge you have. I want to
believe that if you are reading this already, then you are
on the right track, but please don’t stop here, seek to
know more. The 21 st Ccentury is the era of the brain;, it’s
knowledge based.

USE MISTAKES AS A WAY TO CONNECT

Children who are constantly seeking to avoid blame and

punishment to win approval are more likely to succumb
to peer pressure. So, I will say rather than constantly
trying to prevent your child from making mistakes, use
them as teachingable moments. Let your child’s
adherence to rules come out of love, not fear. When your
child adheres to rules because he is afraid of what you
will do to him, how about when you are not there with
them? Remember we are not going to be with our
children forever. Using mistakes as opportunities for
teachingable moments will help your child trust you and
want to behave well to please you.
Children will make mistakes because they are imperfect
and are also trying to understand the world. It’s your
duty as a parent to become more flexible and willing to
adjust. If you feel disappointed at your child’s behaviour
often, then check yourself, you might actually have
unrealistic expectations of your child. Your connection
ability will be hampered if you think in “shoulds” all the
time. Therefore, you must learn to work your emotions.,
Ccome to think of it, no matter how aggravating we find
our children’s behaviour, that behaviour doesn’t really
cause our angry response.
This is what happens -----: A child lies to you and you
draw a conclusion.:
“He will become a thief if I don’t take time”., Tthen comes
the “I have failed as a parent” thought”. These thoughts
brings a train of emotions and in this case it comes with
fear, dismay, guilt., Aand the best defense most times is
a good offence. So, you lash out in anger instead of using
that opportunity to teach your child. Pshychology says
that this whole process takes less than 2 seconds.

When a child makes a mistake, you must think of it as a

tool of correction and not just punishment. Connection
parenting is about looking for more enlightened ways
and tools to create boundaries with your child.

When my daughter turned 7, I noticed she suddenly

wanted to always tell a lie to be free from every mistake
she made. One day we took a walk in the evening and I
told her a story of how I made several mistakes as a child
and how those mistakes madke me who I am today. She
asked, “Sso, Mmummy you mean you also made
mistakes?” “Of course, I did”, I replied. You could see her
face lighten up and she felt some kind of relief. From that
day, for every mistake she makes she will walk up to me
tell me, and I will convert it to a teachable learning
moment and let her know why she made the mistake in
the first place and how she can avoid it going forward.
Connecting to correct doesn’t just give you a champion,
it makes you a champion to your child.

START NOW AND BE CONSISTENT

I have heard many parents say things like "She is too

young to know what a lie is,"; "He does not understand
what schedules are, he is only 2,"; "I don't think he can
do it" ...and it goes on and on.

Whatever you want your children to become, START

NOW!

List out those values, characters, and skills you want for
your children to have, and intentionally start working
with it from the onset. RSo recently, I had a toddler at
home with us, and I watched him go through schedule
with his meals, sleep time and the general lifestyle of the
family. I saw structure. This is one thing that is lacking
in our parenting style, and we don’t start early to build in
what we want our children to become.
As much as toddlers don’t need minute -by -minute
schedule, but structure in their day will help them in
their character development. Start adapting your toddler
to your schedule and family's positive lifestyle as soon as
possible instead of having your family's life revolve
around the child's "wants." The habits that children
develop at an early stage of their life will stick more as
they grow older.

Remember, bad habits are tough to break. One of the

best things you must do for your children is modeling
behaviours that will shape their character and values
positively as well as equip them to live responsibly and
become productive in life.

Correcting consistently gives you an edge. Children get

confused if you are not consistent with correction.
Imagine disciplining your 5- year -old today for lying and
then there comes this day where he needed told a lie to
escape a punishment in school, and you don’t discipline
as well? Double standard is one thing that never works
in correcting a child. You must say what you mean and
mean what you say.

Parents ask me a lot of times, is it too late to sStart? The

answer is a big No!! I have had the opportunity to
"parent" an eighteen- year -old who is 26 today, to
imbibe values and character. Yes, it’s a tough call, but
it’s doable... .and yes, I started parenting her when she
was 18. If you are wondering how to start? Just Start
from anywhere. If you have missed starting yesterday,
start now!

Like they say, the best time to plant a tree was yesterday
and the next best time is today.

USE THE DISCIPLINE THAT WORKS

Withhold not correction from a child, —very key. The

question is, can you correct someone without hitting
them? The answer is Yes.! People are constantly taught
that behaviour correction is done by hitting the person in
the home. So, anyone we have authority over, we resort
to hitting them to correct them—, cChild, wWife,
hHusband, hHelp, domestic workers, etc., ...and we
wonder why domestic violence is on the rise constantly
nowadays. While people will like to often argue that it’s
not the same, my question always is, where do we learn
to beat fellow humans from? Most times from our homes.
This narrative has fueled abuse over the years.; nNo one
deserves to be hit.
Other times Wwe argue that we should hit but without
anger., dDo we even understand the science and
psychology of being able to hit another human being? It
is never void of somea form of anger. It has beieng
engraved in our minds that hitting someone is the only
valid way to correct them. My Mmum didn't have to hit
me to correct me, yet I learnt everything she taught me,
—every single lesson. It is time we begin to think:
Teaching over punishment
Influence over force
Coaching over coercionarseness

Did the bBible say we should use rod for a child? Yes.
Was the rod referred to as the Wword of God as well? Oh
yes it was.

Parenting is a skill. Discipline that works is a skill too!

Learn it and save yourself the agony of constantly getting
your emotions worked up in the name of "seeking control
by force and discipline." It may interest you to note also
that parents who hit to correct constantly battle with
behaviour problems from their children. I know this is
not a very popular opinion but I know it is key in
parenting, anyways.
This was a conversation between a client and I: Formatted: Font: Not Italic
Formatted: Font: Not Italic
Caller: Hello Coach… (After all the pleasantries) . Formatted: Font: Not Italic
Something interesting happened today.
Formatted: Font: Not Italic

Me: Oh wowh,! I am all ears. (Tthinking it was yet Formatted: Font: Not Italic
another time of: oh it’s so difficult not to shout and hit;, Formatted: Font: Not Italic
these children work my nerves. But, alas, it wasn’t.) Formatted: Font: Not Italic
Formatted: Font: Not Italic
Caller: Do you know I had an encounter with my 6- year - Formatted: Font: Not Italic
old that if it were before I would have exploded?.

So, my daughter took some ice packs with her to school

and I didn’t notice. I have beeing on vacation so I decided
to drop and pick them.

As soon as I dropped her, her class teacher noticed she

was hiding something and when asked to bring it out ...
voom! Aa cup full of ice.

So, the teacher insisted she give it to back to me

immediately; and she started to cry and refused to hand it
over. I was so furious at this because it looked like I
couldn't control my child.

However, I remembered I must have my emotions in check

for me to see result, according to you, pProf (so that's what Formatted: Font: Not Italic
she calls me). I eventually insisted and took the cup of ice,
without letting my emotions off.

My Question now is, what do I do? I felt like I am a

permissive parent by not dealing with her right there and
then. Me before, I would have beaten her.

Me: I am so excited!😍 Iit means the sessions you took Formatted: Font: Not Italic
were effective. Now let’s deal with this.: This is not
permissiveness, you have just become a parent who
considers fFocus, goals and options. You have understood
that discipline must be thought of for it to be effective, not
just something you do at the spur of the moment.
Caller: So, should I leave her? Formatted: Font: Not Italic

Me: No, deal with it thoughtfully in a bid to teach a lesson, Formatted: Font: Not Italic
not punish. She will need to understand that defiance has
a price and must be dealt with. You will want to go home
and think of a disciplinary action most appropriate. Let
her understand your stance on disobedience and why.

Caller: I will let you know how it goes;, I feel so good. Formatted: Font: Not Italic
Thank you, Pprof.,

Dear parent,

Dealing with your emotions as a parent doesn't leave you

permissive. Instead, it helps you to be firm in ordther to
carry out the discipline that works.

The first thing that comes to mind when we hear

discipline is something negative. The idea of discipline
being synonymous with punishment is something
ingrained in our psyche. Discipline is not punishment,
it’s teaching. The discipline that works is never shouting,
yelling or control. You either choose control or you
choose connection, you can only make one choice, not
both. The choice is yours to make.

The discipline that works requires you to work your

emotions, as athe parent.s,
The question is, CAN YOU DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
AS A PARENT?
At my last coaching sessions on "Becoming the
Emotionally Intelligent Parent,", a participant shared an
experience that really affirms what I say about pain-
based method of discipline never being the way to go on
disciplining a child.
In her words, "My Mmum was the beating type. Formatted: Font color: Auto
Unfortunately for me, she was a teacher in the school I Formatted: Font color: Auto
attendedwas. At every point and for every mistake, no Formatted: Font color: Auto
matter how little, she flogged me. Doing home activities Formatted: Font color: Auto
was the worst moments for me. Formatted: Font color: Auto

In fact, I remembered an incident where I had to help our Formatted: Font color: Auto
neighbor with her mini market stuff into her stall just Formatted: Font color: Auto
down the road. I got so engrossed with the woman's Formatted: Font color: Auto
daughter and forgot home. When I eventually got home,
my mother beat me so much, to the point that our landlord
had to ask if I stole something. She beat me up like a
common criminal. This incident is still fresh in my memory. Formatted: Font color: Auto

I got so afraid of my Mmum that I openly told someone my Formatted: Font color: Auto
Mmum had died, that she was my step mum. At some Formatted: Font color: Auto
point I was RAPED, and couldn't bring myself to tell her till
date. I was so afraid because I knew if I ever did, I will be
“killed” for it. The hate I had for her was really strong.
That was how I lost my virginity, which made me even Formatted: Font color: Auto
hate her more. I couldn't speak to anyone because I
believed that if my Mmum ever heard she will kill me
without hearing my own side of the story. As I became an
adult, I realized that my mother’s attitude and lack of
emotional control was actually birth out of frustration. She
was expecting so much in marriage and having to carry so
many responsibilities as well.

This has affected my parenting style., eEven though I

hated to be flogged and yelled at, ...I still see myself doing
the same things. I think how I was raised also breeds a
little fear in me.

I have three kids, bBoy first and then two girls. I find
myself sometimes yelling and hitting too. Then, all of a
sudden, I just remembered what I had to deal with. But,
patterns, I must say, don’t change except you work them
intentionally, no matter how much you wish to.
—--Anonymous Name Withheld

This client’s story is the story of most parents today. We

can't deal with our emotions. Many parents will hit,
shout, yell, yet they still struggle. Whenever I say in
parenting you don’t need to shout or yell, people usually
ask, ‘so how do you reinforce control?’

Connection is the answer, because the child you connect

with, you can control and guide easily. Remember that
discipline is a lesson, not punishment. For every
disciplinary method you intend to use, ask yourself, ‘will
this be effective?’ ‘Will it teach the lesson?’

First things first, if you have beeing using the force and
yells and just want to automatically switch to calm, you
will need time and consistency to achieve this.

Also, it's only a child you connect with that you can use
calm on to /cCorrect. Unlearning and relearning
anything takes time. ..lLike I say always, we must all
remember that we all work to progress. If you try today
and it doesn't work, don’t give up. kKeep at it... I have
walked same route myself.

Remember that for every rule you make, you put laid
down consequences for them and follow through. For
instance, I don't need to yell at my children for them to
understand simple rules because they understand what
will happen.
Here’sI will share an example.

RULE: There a rule in my home that you never waste

food. If your food remains, the rule is that you pack it in
the freezer.

CONSEQUENCE: If you fail to, you will eat it as the next

meal.
Now, remember that when you set rules, children will try
those limits. My daughter tried it once and I ensured she
had her remaining food as dinner while the rest of us ate
something else and different/new. That was the last it
ever happened in my home. Now, this is for my 8- year -
old. Remember this is just an example of setting rules
and following through with consequences.

You don't need to hit or yell to get things done. You just
ensure you follow through with rules and consequences,
and be consistent. That said, I must warn that this type
of calm and disciplinary method is not so easy. It
requires that you work on your emotions and become
more emotionally intelligent.

MIND WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU CORRECT

Many times, parents tell me it's not possible to just talk

to Children calmly without yelling because they will not
hear.
My response: "You have wired them/raised them to
respond to only yells and shouts”.

There is no such thing as a perfect child. They all fight

with their siblings, ignore their chores, or upset you in
one way or the other. I often say a child must be a child.
It’s your jJob to remain an aAdult too. We must begin to
pay attention to the things we say to our children,
especially when they upset us. We think that saying
things with just uttering words might not be abusive
since we are not hitting but you might be creating more
psychological harm than you can imagine. Someone told
me recently how the words of her Dad (who never hit her)
almost destroyed her as a girl and as an adult.

Children perceive shouting as a threat to their sense of

security, safety and confidence. Long term exposure to
shouting can result in fear, anxiety, stress, insomnia,
developmental delays, behavioral problem, academic
issues, social difficulties, emotional issues and thwarted
coping skills. ... (Sihweil)

Yelling is as bad as physical Abuse! The problem with

yelling is that what comes with it compounds the
problem. It's not just the loud voice that has an impact,
it's also the body language and the actual words used Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
(which could be critical, iInsulting or sarcastic).

Shouting is largely ineffective! It doesn't get the message

across because the children are often times too busy
defending themselves and totally miss the point. Now,
don't get me wrong, we are all humans and sometimes
we slip, but iIntentionality makes you understand that
when you do, you should fix it. Because oOccasional
shouting won't have any major long- term effects,
especially when you fix it!

Just know that sShouting is like a human fire alarm, so Formatted: Font: Not Bold, Italic
use it with caution and only when there is danger.

If you want to raise a child with strength and coping

mechanisms use a Firm, Calm and Compassionate Formatted: Font: Not Bold
tone. This allows the child's brain to remain open and
learn. Research has shown that when there is adrenaline
for fear of being shouted at, there is limited thinking
capacity.

Ditch shouting for good!

CHAPTER SEVEN:

THE OUTCOME

Help your child feel a sense of belonging and significance.

TEACH YOUR CHILD VALUABLE SOCIAL AND LIFE

SKILLS

When you connect, you will learn to become what you

preach and a student of your child.

MSo my husband and I have been teaching the children

that when you fail you get up and keep going. The theme
of the month in February was on failure!! (We choose a
value to teach the children every month).

That weekend was Inter-house sports competition at the

children's school. Before we left that morning, my
husband still reminded the children how failure can be
used positively. As a way of support for our children, who
were actively involved in different sporting activities for
this year's inter-house sport, we both choose to
participate in the parents’ relay competition.

I started the race for my team. I had barely taken off

before I saw myself on the floor. Yes, you readare right!, I
fell face flat on the floor— ....you know the kind of fall
that you need a stretcher to lift you up!. I was not going
to stand up, but while on the floor, I remembered what
we had been teaching the children about fFailure:
"Whenever you fail, pick yourself up and keep moving." I
just told myself, ‘"if you do not stand up now, then all
the talk on failure will be the true real failure’. That was
how I quickly stood up, ...ran for my life and passed the
baton. I had bruises., I hit my mouth. bBut I knew that I
would pass the wrong message if I remained on the floor
and discontinued that race.

Something even more interesting happened. My son

while doing bicycle race fell off the bicycle. I remember
while I was talking to him after the race,; hHe asked me,
"Mmum, when you fell, did you eventually finish the
race?” EAnd everyone chorused ‘yes’! He got a silver
medal in that race, but most importantly he picked the
lesson. I won't forget to mention that my husband got the
gold medal in the same relay race. (Laughs).

That particular event just gave me an opportunity to

model what we hadve been teaching for the past one
month.
My point is, the message we pass in parenting is key. For
me, the messages are more important than anything,
because that is what will walk the children through life.
Whatever we teach, let's stand by it. No matter how
difficult it looks
Parenting is never convenient if you are doing it right!!!

HELP YOUR CHILD DISCOVER HOW CAPABLE THEY

ARE AND HOW TO USE POWER CONSISTENTLY.

PARENTING REALITIES ARE THE SAME

A client was curious to know my target audience for the

group coaching session on 'Becoming an Emotionally
Intelligent Parent'.
Here was my reply to him.!

✔I am looking to work with parents who are interested to

connect with their children to correct them.

✔Parents who want to build relationship with their

children without having to force/bully but to connect to
control.

✔Parents who want to parent with peace and calm and

overcome the turmoil of parenting when they show up,
because they will surely show up.

✔Parents who are frustrated with yelling, screaming,

hitting, and are looking for a more effective way to
achieve a better result.
I tell you something interesting, connecting to correct,
which has its basis on emotional Intelligence, has
nothing to do with having the realities differently. We all
are confronted with same parenting realities. wWhat
makes the difference is how we manage thosesuch
realities.

Have you wondered why some people are calm in

situations and some others can't get a hold of
themselves? A poor person can be emotionally intelligent
just as a rich person can be-— iIt’s a mindset. Even in
the poorest of the poor communities, you will always
distinguish people who use this skill and people who do
not.
Your parenting journey starts with you understanding
how to manage your realities.
Never forget: parenting is about you, not your child.

Parenting education points you to understanding

yourself, understanding your child and knowing how to
effectively apply principles that will be effective.
CONCLUSION

I am sure this book has triggered something in you. You

have a lot of questions to answer. Change something, no
matter how small, because I know small changes
cumulates to excellence.

Parenting is a full- time job., hHowever, unlike other full-

time jobs, no one gets to appraise you but your children.
You must become accountable to them.

The late astronaut James Irwin said you might think

going to the moon was the most scientific project ever,
but they literally threw us in the direction of the moon.
We had to adjust our course 10 minutes and landed only
fifty feet inside the SOD –MILE radius of our target.

On that mission to the moon, every change, no matter

how small, was essential to success.
Unlearning and learning isare the key words. Remember
that every change is essential to your journey, no matter
how small.