My Story

In the fall of 1996, 19 years old, I found myself in a place searching God, and why and

how I needed to include him in my life. At the same time, I was battling a lot of loneliness, I

was dealing with a sense of inadequacy within my family, and I had just an overwhelming sense

of no purpose in life. I have no one to blame for the loneliness, the sense of inadequacy within

my family, or the lack of purpose. Most of it, if not all of it, was of myself. Truth be told I was

simply a bit awkward with friends and even family members, which led me to never connected

well. Again, this is no reflection on anyone else. In fact, I had and have an amazing family. My

dad and mom took wonderful care of me. No, we weren’t perfect, and we had some minor

issues, but who doesn’t? We were human and I was blessed as a child. When it came to friends,

I had found an awesome core group my senior year of high school. We were like a group of

outcasts that stuck together. We weren’t the jocks, or the preps, or the nerds, we were just us.

However once college began, jobs began, slowly over time the core groups slowly dissipated in

some regard. A lot of us remained local and we still hung out, but as we grew things did begin to

change. Or maybe it was just me… it was possibly just me.

Maybe one day this small story will turn into a book and I will include various details,

but to keep it decently short, let me pick up where I started. I found myself searching for God,

for friendship, for connection, and for purpose. I through a series of events I visited a United

Pentecostal Church and it was there I was told some very specific things I needed to do to enter

the kingdom of God. Let me pause once more. I was raised in the Greek Orthodox church and

then around the Catholic church in my younger years. In my teenage years I just did whatever I

wanted to do with no regard for God. Now I wasn’t a horrid evil wicked man by today’s cultural

standards, well maybe in the eyes of God. I did nothing illegal, but I had my share of
immorality. At this time, I didn’t know really know what was supposed to happen between God

and man. So at this UPCI church the pastor shared that I need to obey Acts 2:38. I needed to

repent, be baptized while someone saying the words “in the name of Jesus”, and I needed a

visible and audible experience with the Holy Ghost that involved speaking in tongues. It was

declared unto me if I do these things, I will have salvation and a new life. It all sounded like a

bunch of noise to me at first. You see I had simply become hungry for a God to do a work in my

life. I was told by a pastor this is what must happen, and, in my desire, I was willing to follow

anything. So, I did. I appeared on an evening service and I walked to the altar at the conclusion

of the service. I sincerely prayed, asked for forgivness, and God sincerely met me. I did even

have a genuine experience of speaking in tongues at that altar. It was a life changing experience.

Can I say that I’m convinced sincere encounters with God for the first time are life changing, no

matter what happens or doesn’t happen. So later that next week I was baptized while someone

uttered the words, “in Jesus Name”. I was on my way to a new life.

In this church I found friendship, I found connection like a family, and I even found

purpose. My soul longed for those things that I was missing in my life. I filled a void in my life

so much that I literally told the pastor, I don’t care what the beliefs are I just want to learn them

so that I know what they are. I was given book after book. Books that taught beliefs that taught

very different views from mainstream Christianity, but I didn’t care. In fact the organization I

now belonged to claimed to have the only message and way to God in it’s fullness and there was

something about that elitism that was exciting. I had something other didn’t know about and

needed and it gave me even a greater sense of purpose. All these things are what I wanted and

needed. This story of mine I will not dive into the differences of beliefs in great detail. Let’s

just say over the years I learned to become very good at performance based religion, I learned to
become very good at judging others that were not good at performance based religion, and I

became very good at recognizing all other Christians that were, in our view, “not really saved”

because they didn’t have an experience like I did. I learned to do, to be, to act as I was told. I

learned to become what I was expected to become. I also learned that If I didn’t do so in an

exact manner that I would lose my salvation, become backslidden and lost. I developed a routine

of trying to conjure up an experience with God at every church service, thinking it was pleasing

to God and that it would be what kept me connected to Him. I learned a horrible Christian

lifestyle. What started out as a genuine desire for God began to change. Certain things began to

happen that I didn’t realize. I began to develop a lack of love and identity. I wasn’t loving to

others and just I wasn’t myself anymore. I became a mask, a pretender, or an actor living a life

that I was dictated to do, so that I would please my God and “remain saved”. I had created a

fabricated persona, and was very robotic or stoic towards my family and others most of the time.

I began to develop law-based thinking of daily living. It was this way of life that became a way

of living. I was connected with others daily that lived the same way. We were a community of

performance based religious people. I thought I was benefiting myself and those around me in

this lifestyle, but I wasn’t.

You see a performance religion can and will kick back. Jesus said his burden is easy and

his teaching is light, but what I was living was burdensome. There were so many rules, some

biblical and many others non-biblical. Regardless it was my performance of following them that

began to wear me down and destroy me. It was engrained that I had to live each day as perfectly

as I possibly could and if I did it would please God and I would keep my salvation. I was good

at pretending, but it my insides were dying. I thought there was something wrong with me, so I

would try harder. After years of simply trying harder a lack of fulfillment begins to develop. I
experienced a crash. In fact, I experienced multiple crashes, 2 of them very significant. After 10

years at the first church were I devoted myself to live this way, I continued this, dragging my

wife and daughters through this, isolating myself from my friends and extended family, pushing

deeper and harder until I just couldn’t anymore. I was done, I was spent, and I was gaining

nothing except resentment toward God and others. I mean I had been doing and obeying and

living as I was supposed to, so He was supposed to bless me in return, right? Instead, things

would only get worse in life, there was no joy in it all, and I was done. So, my family and I, on a

whim for change, packed up everything we had and moved to California to start over. We left it

all behind, but I still had a hunger for God, I desired him, and I didn’t want to be lost. I still

believed many of the things I was taught, but I thought maybe there was an easier way.

So, we joined, what is considered, a more liberal version of the church we were a part of.

What that meant was. There were rules, but they weren’t as intense, but in the end, it was simply

a watered-down version of performance-based religion. The foundation of it all was the same.

Regardless, I thought it was the answer and I started the cycle again. I began to perform, and I

began to perform well. Over the years God led us to ministry of children’s evangelism where I

became a licensed minister in the organization. For 10 more years we continued to live, act, and

be as we were expected to, and now even more so as a minister. We got to travel as full-time

evangelists for almost 5 years and traveled the country ministering to children, coast to coast and

border to border. I will say that I do not regret our time, our travels, and the ministering to

children. It was real blessing to do what we did, and I pray that others were blessed. However,

because I was doing it all on the foundation of this mental mindset of performance, acting,

pretending to be perfect, doing, and obeying, another crash was yet on the horizon… this time

the crash would be more devastating than I care to admit and will have trouble sharing.
 Do to circumstances beyond anyone’s control our travels had to end and it was time to

return home. As we did return home it was a struggle to become reestablished. To be honest

after giving our life 110% to God as we did along with following the rules and playing the part, I

expected more. It was what we were always taught. You give, you do, you obey, you follow,

and God will bless. Now I realize that God doesn’t always bless like we think and sometime not

even in our timing, but mind you after 20 plus years of performance-based religion, following

rules to remain saved, following teachings to remain in God’s favor, and sacrificing as much as

we did for the church… I felt genuinely neglected by Him. I was tired again, I was yet again

spent, and I crashed. This time I crashed in secret at first and this led to me responding in a very

immoral manner. I withdrew into myself, away from my children, away from my wife, and

away from everyone. I stopped praying, I stopped reading the bible, I stopped doing all the

performance methods I knew that we were taught to stay close to God. What I did next is hard

for me to share as I continue with great sighs each time I start to type. I began to what would be

classified as having an emotional affair with random other women on a chat app. I had no joy in

living for God anymore, I felt like I was failing yet again, nothing made sense, so I selfishly look

for self-gratification. This took place for a month or two before my wife found the messages.

This is when my crash went to a new depth of low. My wife suffered a serious blow, my actions

destroyed her, my children learned what happened and it created distrust between me and them,

and my position of ministry was to be removed. I’m not sure how much I should dwell here on

this part of the story. I hesitate to revisit it, but I recognize it was a major pivotable point. I

didn’t know up from down, I didn’t know what was right or wrong, I didn’t care what God

thought anymore and I acted out in rebellion in such an inappropriate way that the collateral

damage was my wife and 3 daughters and ministry. I don’t say this to put the blame on anything
or anyone else. Yes, my crash was due to years of performing, pretending, and living a Christian

life of rules and checklists, but the depths of how I crashed and allowed myself to go were my

fault and my choice. I went there and it was horribly wrong for me to do so. My wife didn’t

deserve it and my kids didn’t either. So began a long process of healing.

During this time of healing, I felt compelled to start at the basics with God again. I went

back to the root of it all. I acted in my mind like I knew nothing. My wife and I began to slowly

heal, and our marriage slowly began to be restored. Nothing was overnight and it was full of its

ups and downs and still to this day there are times of difficulty because of what I did. However,

God began to make himself known. I realized something. I couldn’t go back to that type of

walk with God. It was a type of walk of performance and Elitism. I began to recognize the

pattern and the cycle that was created in this way. The doctrine that was taught was of that their

message of teaching was the only way to heaven and if not maintained I their way of teaching I

could lose my salvation. The elitism view is that all other Christians were not saved because

they haven’t followed as we have. Can I say I was so tired of wearing the mask and I was so

tired of putting myself above others. I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t play the part anymore,

I couldn’t pretend anymore, and I couldn’t be what others expected me to be anymore. I just

needed God. I didn’t know exactly what that mean anymore, but I just knew I needed it and I

needed it in a different way, if there actually was one.

I began searching all over again. I found others that had been in this church culture and

left. I began to read their stories and learn about them. I even reached out to a particular

minister via email who allowed me to use him as a sounding board and a way to express my

thoughts with no judgement. In fact, I have remained in contact with this minister as he has been

beyond gracious in prayers and wisdom from time to time during this journey. Then I began
looking at other churches, churches we were always told were preaching false doctrine and lost.

I looked at Baptist, non-denominational, Assembly of God, just to name a few. I visited various

ones trying to figure things out as I was relearning God. One thing I sadly learned was that even

the “performance based religion” event existed in some of these church cultures as well.

Recognizing that I began to narrow my focus and be more aware and I would start listening to

any local churches sermons online to get a grasp of their mindsets. Looking online I came across

a church that was literally down the street from me. I noticed they had online sermons and I

began to listen to them. There was a genuine spirit from the sermons that really resonated. I

didn’t visit right away, but I began to listen more and more. I began to learn about things I had

never realized before. I began to learn about God’s true love and the true meaning of His grace.

Things I had always viewed as secondary to living for God as I was taught how much holiness

by our works was number one. I finally visited. Now coming from a Pentecostal church

background of 22 years, this service was quite different. The worship was more mellow than I

was used to, but can I say I experienced such a peace of God and genuine move of love and

mercy in my heart, as I was there. No, these people weren’t perfect, but I was learning that it

didn’t matter. God was there and I felt such a burden beginning to lift. Now mind you during

this time the healing is continuing between me and my family. With so much in my head, I

began to visit a therapist once or twice a month. I also starting meeting with the pastor of this

church for coffee on similar intervals. He, also coming out of a legalistic background,

recommended listening to a sermon series that he did on Galatians as well as a couple books that

he had read in the past, one in particular called “One Way Love”. Again, for time sake I won’t

go into all the details, but can I say these things began to change my life. I began a process

which I have called “relearning God”. I would read, listen, pray, and study, so often with a
weight being lifted with this new simple understanding of God that I would so often begin to cry

and sob as the love of God would embrace me. I began to recognize why my life serving God

was at such an immature level, never developed into something more, and why I faced such

frustration in life. I began to recognize the masks I was wearing, I began to recognize the walls I

was trying to scale to reach God, I began to recognize how I would use my works to try to gain

God’s approval, and I began to recognize how my failure in this created a despair and

resentment. I recognized how a fear of misbehaving my way into hell was unfounded and

detrimental to my walk with God. I learned that my performance-based living for God to

maintain salvation, to maintain a right standing with Him, to maintain a position of ministry was

destroying me. I began to learn and see how certain doctrines were taught in error, that were

misunderstood, and not biblically accurate. I learned that my pretending and mask wearing and

acting like I was okay was slowly bringing me down day by day. I learned that I could let go of

the weight of elitism as what I was taught as being the only way to salvation was not true. The

Gospel is so easy. It truly is as simple as just believing. It is as simply as trusting God as being

the sacrifice for us. He took on all our brokenness, shame and sin on that cross and gave us his

perfectness and righteousness in exchange. And that is it! There is nothing more I can, nor

anyone can, do in this world to improve upon it! I have his salvation, I have his mercy, I have

his righteousness, and I have his grace simply because I believe. Nothing I do, or fail to do, or

nothing I resist or fail to resist can change that. What an amazing Gospel this is! How I missed

it I will never know or understand! Now of course I need and desire to live in a manner pleasing

to him, but it is not to gain his favor nor to maintain my salvation. It’s simply because it is right.

No longer am I living in fear that I may no longer be saved, no longer am I living in fear that my

family may one day lose their salvation, no longer do I look down upon others in judgement, no
longer am I forced to view other Christians on a lower level and not saved and it is all so freeing

because it is the truth and the truth shall set you free!

Today I’m slowly working back being closer to God than ever in my life. I’m slowly

relearning about Him and his amazing ways. I’ve been working on developing better

relationship with my wife and children. I don’t know exactly what God has next. I know he

wants me to take care of my family right now, but I do believe, in time, there will be something a

little more as well. Whatever that is and whenever that is, I’m going to trust in God and put it in

his hands. For now, I’m simply living with God day by day and day by day I’m trusting him, in

this new wonderful walk with Him. To God be the glory!

John Lagas

09-10-19