Don't Chicken Out with Women;

"Next Time" Never Comes

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By Chase Amante
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There are many common errors men make in dating. These errors sabotage in small
ways or large ways with women. The errors put guys through endless frustrations...
usually of their own doing.
We'll talk about an error today in the way guys often think about "next time."
Because it's sort of a big one, but it's likely one you won't stop to reconsider too
often.
If you sift back through your memories, I bet you will find instances where you
thought "I'll do it next time." See a beautiful girl? "I'll talk to her next time." Talk to
beautiful girl? "I'll ask her out next time." On a date with beautiful girl? "I'll ask her
home next time." Home alone with beautiful girl? "I'll make a move on her next
time." As soon as you read these, I know you know the thoughts are
counterproductive. If you're like most men, you still have them sometimes anyway
though, don't you?
What's not included are the 'next time' thoughts you don't have. Like "That girl
rejected me, but I'll get it next time." Or "My approach sucked. Next time will be
better." Or "It's all gone tits-up with this girlfriend. But I'll do things right with my
next one."
Men have these 'positive next time' thoughts far less often than they should. Yet
they are a key to staying sane in the moment, and heading off neediness before it
crops up.

HELPFUL VS. HARMFUL 'NEXT TIMES'

How can you tell if 'next time' self-talk is good for you or bad for you?
The easiest metric is this:
 If you let yourself off the hook for something you haven't done
but should do, it's bad
 If you let yourself off the hook for something you have already tried to do yet
failed at, it's good
Very simple. If you tried to do it and it didn't work, "next time" is okay. If you didn't
try to do it even though you feel you should, "next time" is how you slink out, tail
between your legs.
Most people spend far too much time in the moment letting themselves off
the hook for inaction... and beating themselves up for actions
they did take, which fail.
It's almost topsy-turvy when you think about it.
While, often, later on, you may beat yourself up for having failed to take action you
failed to take, and, later on, you may feel glad you took action you did, in the
moment it can be quite different.
In the moment, guys often cut themselves slack for not doing anything, while
beating themselves up when they do do something.
Which is... sort of nuts, right?
If you want to get anywhere with the opposite sex, you must take action. Usually,
you must take more action than you're used to taking, and you must move
faster as you do it.
Yet, there is this bug in normal human psychology that relieves us for not taking
action we need to take in the moment. Meanwhile, it beats us up for taking action
it's good we took if that action doesn't perfectly work out.
I'm sure there are good sociological or evolutionary reasons for these tendencies. It
doesn't matter what those are though. Because these tendencies do not help you in
many modern romantic settings.
If you want to get somewhere with women today, you have to learn to silence that
inner voice that encourages you to chicken out... and to silence that equally
troublesome voice that scolds you for action you do take that fails.
Because usually, in today's world, these voices are wrong,
on bothcounts. That is to say, when you fail to take action because "I'll do it next
time", most of the time there is no next time. Yet, when the voice scolds you as if
you've well and truly blown it, very often there's a next time in your near future, and
you've not blown a thing.

NO MORE CHICKENING OUT

That's what it is, isn't it?
It's not fun to say it.
But every time you're with a girl, and you want to make a move, and you feel like
she may want you to make a move, and that voice chimes in and you back off with
a "Next time. Next time I will," that's what you've done, right?
You chickened out. You took the scaredy-cat exit.
There is a certain amount of bravery required in dating. No matter how 'obvious' a
woman makes her interest, there's always some degree of a leap of faith when
you make a move.
Sure, it might go well. But she might also act like "What are you doing?" She might
recoil from you. She might blow up in your face! Or she might think you're a weirdo
and scamper out of there.
I can't recall ever having a girl blow up at me for making a move. But the other stuff
can happen. She can recoil. She can act like it's a shock. She might get awkward
and leave soon thereafter. It happens. And it's also somewhat unpredictable when it
happens.
No matter what anyone else tells you, sometimes women who give you every sign
of interest in the book will act surprised and weirded out when you go for them.
Other times women who show precisely zero interest in you will get right into it the
moment you make a bold move. You can guess, and you can make predictions, but
you will never be right every single time. This lack of perfect predictability, and
inclusion of uncomfortable randomness, means escalation alwaysrequires courage.
And because it always requires courage, there will always be a little voice that tells
you "It's okay to wait for next time!"
Well, not always. When you're on a roll and you're doing well with women and
you're sharp and on-point, that voice goes away (mostly). Although it can still pop
up in situations where you feel less comfortable than normal.
For the most part however, that voice will always be with you.
Sometimes it legitimately IS better to wait!
Sometimes you may want to use date compression rather than charge ahead
to first-date sex. Sometimes a woman is not ready to sit with you, or change
venues, or agree to a date just yet (but will later). These are normal, reasonable
parts of the courtship process.
Most of the time though, when you listen to this voice, you never get that next
chance. Ask yourself, how many times have you told yourself "Next time I'll do it"
and then actually done it next time? Compare that to the number of times you've
told yourself "next time" and nothing ever happened after that.
"Next time" most of the time might as well be "no time."
Now, when it actually isn't time for a thing yet, and it truly is better to wait, you will
feel that during the courtship.
This last minute voice that pops up, right as you're about to do something, is not
that. Instead, it's a sort of male equivalent to last minute resistance. It's a thing
that pops up into what was a previously clear, made-up mind, to urge a complete,
panicked 180-degree turn. "Wait, abort what you're doing! Because... we can do it
next time instead!"
This voice is not giving you measured counsel. It is causing you to self-sabotage,
because there probably will not be a "next time."
 When she wants to get close but instead you nope
out of there. Odds are there isn't going to be a
second chance.
This nagging voice is not limited to seduction. You'll feel it with other things too. I've
felt it before every fistfight I've had. I've felt this voice before I answered
important commitment points with girlfriends. I've felt it before particularly risky
answers with law enforcement, bosses, and teachers. That voice is always there,
ready to tell you to drop the action you'd already decided to do and slink
out through the coward's exit instead.
The thing these scenarios all have in mind is they are (or seem) 'dangerous'. That
voice urging you to give up your action and slink away is one of self-preservation. It
wants to protect you from risky outcomes. Just do it later, it tells you. Of course,
later usually doesn't come.
But with courtship, are the outcomes ever really all that risky?
There are crazy worst-case scenarios, of course. Even these though have known
risk factors and are reasonably avoidable if you know those factors and mind
them.
For the most part though, risks are overblown.
If you make a move and she rejects you, big damn deal!
Persist and try again later. Or move on and meet someone else.
The tough part though is how do you get that little voice to listen to this? Because
that voice doesn't hang around to engage in rational dialogue with you. It's silent
99% of the time, and only emerges, in a panic, when you're about to do something
'risky'.
Clearly, this isn't something you can logic your way out of.
Instead, you need to condition yourself to not listen to that risky panic voice.
How do you do that? Learn to stick to your guns when that voice kicks off its
dissent.
You've already thought things through.
You made a decision based on the information available to you. That's as good as it
gets from a decision-making perspective.
It helps if, during calmer moments, you review the times that voice has chimed in
and messed things up for you. And remind yourself that what that voice is is your
inner coward's voice.
No shame in that. Unless you're a psychopath, you have that voice. We all do.
However, the difference between cowardly men who don't get what they want, and
courageous men who do, comes down to whether they abandon ship when that
voice starts its panicking, or whether they stay the course.
Reflect on it. Remember when this voice has chimed in for you, and what the
outcome's been. And urge yourself the next time you hear it to ignore this voice and
continue on the course you've set for yourself.
It is possible to do this. Every time the voice wins and it causes you to back down
from doing something you needed to do, review the ultimate outcome (was it good
you listened to that voice, or was it a mistake?), and remind yourself again.
With enough reminders, you will start to override that voice.
You will adopt the mantra of "when in doubt, forge ahead."
And once that happens, all sorts of scenarios that flummox normal men will start to
work out fine for you.

WHEN IT'S HELPFUL TO THINK "NEXT TIME"

Do you know when it's actually helpful to think about the next time?
When you take action and it doesn't work.
For instance:
 You approach a girl and open her but she blows you off
 You get into a conversation with a girl but it never clicks
 You try to get a phone number from a girl but she says no
 You set up a date with a girl but she flakes
 You go for compliance with a girl but she turns you down
 You invite a woman home but she declines
 You try to kiss a girl but get her cheek
 You escalate to sex but get stopped with LMR
 You sleep with a girl but she won't see you again
 You start a relationship but at some point the girl vanishes
 You have a girlfriend but a year in she dumps you or cheats
... and so on. Plenty more examples like this.
What's the typical thing for you to do in any of these situations? Obsess over the
situation.
But what's the most productive thing to do in such a situation?
Very brief analysis of what you did wrong, followed by a swift move to 'next time'.
Let's say you approached a cute girl on the street and opened her but she blew you
off. The average inexperienced guy at this point slips into self-doubt: "Did I come off
weird? Am I not attractive enough? Did I say something funny? Was my voice too
quiet or too harsh?" He then drops into this ruminative mood, and the rest of his
outing will likely suck.
What if you did only a quick analysis, then switched to thoughts of next time? Then
it'd be more like this: "Hmm, that might've been due to me coming in from the side
and startling her a bit too much. I should try to use a little pre-opening on my next
approach. All right, let's focus on the next girl now."
Guy A spends 20 minutes mulling over this girl who blew him off. Then a bum mood
follows him around for the next four hours like toilet paper on his shoe until he gives
up and goes home.
But Guy B spends six seconds mulling over this girl who blew him off. He then
moves on as much as he can mentally (somewhat determined by how
much resilience to rejection he's built up over time), and focuses on the next girl.
When he meets her, he even has something new to try (whatever he concluded
might have been off with his last approach), so the approach feels fresh and he's
eager to see if he's got it this time.
It is like this with everything, and this approach works with everything,
where you took some action and it just didn't work.
If you try to kiss her and only get her cheek, don't drop into a funk. Give it a quick
10-second analysis, come up with an idea about something else to try next time,
then move yourself to 'next time'. That might mean getting yourself in position for
your next kiss attempt with this same gal, or it might mean moving on to meet a
new one.
What works for the approach works for the relationship, too. If she breaks up with
you, do a little analysis to figure out as much of the cause as you can figure out.
Then, switch your focus to next time. For your next girlfriend, you'll do D and E and
F different, based on lessons from this current girlfriend. You could also make it
clear to this girlfriend who just broke up that you'll do these things differently, then
follow through and do them. But do be careful getting back together with exes.
Lots of trouble there...
Anyway, the chief aspect of this process is you stop the analysis after the
first 5 or 10 seconds. You do enough to figure out a quick thing to try with the
next girl (or with your next attempt with the same girl), then you move on to that
next one.
If you linger longer than that, you'll slide into rumination, and sabotage the rest of
your date or outing.
If you don't linger at all, you'll do the 'robotic approacher' thing where the guy gets
rejected, does zero introspection, then does the same exact thing again and gets
rejected the same way again, does zero introspection again, does the same exact
thing again, gets rejected again, and so on and so forth. This guy gets to be doubt-
free, but at the price of improving his results at glacial speed.
Do do a little analysis.
But cut that analysis short before it hamstrings you... and move onto the next
woman, or the next (sufficiently different) attempt with the same woman.

WHEN THERE'S A NEXT TIME

There is a next time when you're taking action.
When you're taking action, even if the action you take fails, you can always try
again. You can switch things up, and try with another woman, or try something
different with the same woman.
If you'll stick with the same woman, the next attempt you make should be
different enough that it feels like a next time to you. For instance, if you're
seated on the sofa with her and pull her in for a kiss but she pushes you off and acts
weird, try something different next. Next, in another five or 10 minutes, don't try to
pull her in. Instead, build a compliance ladder to the kiss: tell her to sit on your
lap, and when she does, tell her to rub her nose against yours, and when she does
that, tell her to put her fingers in your hair and close her eyes. Then kiss her. Or,
instead of that, have her get up and start to dance with you in the middle of your
apartment, in an over-the-top ballroom dancing fashion. Then dip her, and kiss her
when you bring her up from the dip. Do something sufficiently different, and it will
feel like a next time for you both.
Master your inner chicken and stop running away
 from girls.
If you won't stick with the same woman, then come up with a tweak to make, and
go meet another gal. Make your slight adjustment, and try again.
There is not a next time, however, the vast majority of the time when, just before
you take an action, the fear bubbles up inside of you and you abort for no good
reason. She was ready to sit with you, but you got scared and decided to wait until
next time? There won't be a next time, most likely. She was ready to accompany
you home, where she'd have fallen into bed with you, and maybe become your
friend-with-benefits or girlfriend? But you, ready to invite her, chickened out at the
last possible moment? Odds are that was the onlymoment you'd get, and 'next time'
isn't coming.
The "no next time when you chicken out" rule is one I've had to relearn
repeatedly throughout my seduction career, usually any time I got a little rusty
(which, hey, if you meet enough great women, and those women tend to stick
around, it's hard to stay motivated to be constantly in the field all the time, no
matter how driven you are). The bad news is you don't ever get so certain of
yourself you're immune from ever chickening out again with 100% certainty. The
good news is once you realize chickening out is a problem and solve it, it's one of
those "just like riding a bike" things. You get a little rusty, then start to get back in
the swing of things, chicken out a few times with a few girls, remember the ironclad
rule of "he who chickens out forever loses the girl", recall that it's always been one
of the most important rules, and you stop chickening out and are back at your old
level of results again.
Just remember... burn it into your cortex:
So long as you're taking action, there's always a next time.
But there is no next time for men who chicken out.
Don't chicken out.
Any time you get that sudden urge to chicken out and "wait until next time" with a
woman (or in any situation) where your mind was already made up, you
should probably ignore that, and follow through on your plan regardless.
Save the 'next time' talk for when you've actually done a thing and it didn't work out
perfect. Then you can think about 'next time' -- because at that point, next time just
might actually work.
Yours,
Chase Amante