Music and Lyrics by P IPPA C LEARY

Book and Lyrics by J AKE B RUNGER

Arrangements by P I P P A C L E A R Y , P A U L H E R B E R T and N I C K J A M ES

LIBRETTO / VOCAL BOOK

Josef Weinberger
12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
Tel: +44 (0)20-7580 2827
[email protected] www.josef-weinberger.com
 JET SET GO!
© Copyright 2010 by Jake Brunger and Pippa Cleary
Edition © Copyright 2010 by Josef Weinberger Ltd., London
All Rights Reserved

PHOTOCOPYING THIS COPYRIGHT MATERIAL IS ILLEGAL

Applications to perform this work must be made,

BEFORE REHEARSALS COMMENCE, to:

JOSEF WEINBERGER LIMITED

12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
United Kingdom

Tel: +44 (0)20 7580 2827

Fax: +44 (0)20 7436 9616
www.josef-weinberger.com

November 2010

ii
JET SET GO!
CHARACTERS
CREW:
NICOLA The head stewardess, friendly but firm.
HAYLEY The Welsh stewardess, bubbly and energetic.
MELANIE The new stewardess, eager to please but nervous.
JULIA The Puerto Rican stewardess, fiery and highly-sexed.
RYAN The camp steward, catty but good fun.
RICHARD The straight-acting gay steward, caring and thoughtful.
PILOTS:
JIM The Captain, cocky but loveable.
PAUL His First Officer, sweet natured but bumbling.
NB: Nicola was written to be played with a Liverpudlian accent, and where possible this is
the preference for her, however she has been played Scottish, and indeed could be from
anywhere if needs be.
The playing ages are flexible, although as head stewardess Nicola should be a little older.

SETTING
Jet Set Go! is set on board a transatlantic plane and in various New York locations. It can
be played on the simplest of sets or the most elaborate.

ONE ACT OR TWO?

Jet Set Go! can be performed with or without an interval, depending on your venue or
company’s needs. This script represents the interval version, but should you wish to perform it
throughout without an interval, you will need to use the following amendment (at page 58):

(SCENE TWELVE cont.)

JULIA I can’t be in first class . . . I look terrible.

RYAN Well you’ll fit in with the passengers, then, won’t you?

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NICOLA Who smells of fish?

RYAN Alright fine, I slept with a fishmonger. (On their look.) What? Somebody
has to.

Music No. 10b: CABIN FEVER (No Interval Version)

NICOLA Right. On we get. You all know the drill. Flight time today’s the usual 6
hours . . .

ALL 45 minutes.

NICOLA Hey, I don’t need to tell you guys twice . . .

(They all leave, except RYAN, who is in a huff about being demoted to economy.)

NICOLA Ryan. (He ignores her.) Ryan. Oi. Come on!

(He tuts at her and goes, still in a mood.)

. . . And it carries on into SCENE THIRTEEN as usual.

CURRENT REFERENCES

Jet Set Go! contains several references that can be updated to suit the year of your production.
Where celebrity names are used, please feel free to alter the scripted names to more current or
appropriate celebrities. It has to plausible that they would fly in first / business class, however,
and they also have to be trashy enough for Ryan to want to pander to them!
In 24 Things in 24 Hours, if the New York exchange rate is good for the Brits flying over then
the lyric “but clothes don’t come cheap, when the dollar’s this steep” should be altered to “the
exchange rate’s so cheap, you can spend in your sleep”.
The references to TV programmes Cash in the Attic and 60 Minute Makeover can be adjusted
if those shows are no longer running, but again, they should be plausibly trashy daytime
makeover-style shows.

iv
In the finale, the line “the country’s in turmoil” can be adjusted to reference a current state of
economic or political affairs. In the show we used “the credit is crunching” and then later, “my
pension’s gone missing”. The more up-to-date the better!

DESIGN AND STAGING

The key to success with Jet Set Go! is to keep it fast-paced and constantly moving – the original
production used no blackouts. Let the audience into the world; they’re privileged viewers to
the behind-the-scene antics of the cabin crew so play with them and acknowledge their
presence.
The original production used small suitcases on wheels which the cabin crew used to double as
their own suitcases and as the food / drink / duty free trolleys. They had smaller detachable
cases which could be used for other things too. You may find you don’t even need literal
trolleys; there are many different ways you could do it.
The original design had large turning screens, on either side of which were two curtains –
which suggested the divide between the cabin crew and passengers. Nicola stood on one of
them to do her announcements, where a phone was attached. At one point in rehearsals,
during the scene change between scenes 3 and 4, one of the screens accidentally shook so much
when Nicola stood on it that the line ‘ooh, turbulence’ was added. We liked it and so did the
audience; if appropriate, please use it!
The tone of the show is tongue-in-cheek and the dialogue should be delivered with an invisible
self knowing wink. But a small word of warning: don’t let the characters get silly or
stereotypical. The beauty of them is that they are real people; start to play them like 2D
characters and they’ll become just that. Make them warm, friendly and approachable and
everyone will love them. Ryan is a particularly tricky one, don’t let him get venomously
dislikeable, otherwise you’ll lose people. He is catty but you love him for it.
There are so many ways you can stage it and bring the audience into your world. At the end of
the day, have fun with it and always keep it moving!

INSTRUMENTATION
Keyboard (Piano / Conductor)
Violin
Bass
Drums / Percussion – drum kit, conga, castanets and glockenspiel
NB. The conga part may also be played on the snare drum if no conga is available.

v
For the original production, we had to use an electric drum kit as unfortunately a real one
was too loud and overpowered the performers. However, if you are able to cordon off the
drummer from the rest of the band then please feel free to use a real kit. Otherwise I would
definitely recommend an electric kit if the band is near the stage.
The score does work without the glockenspiel part but if the percussionist is able to play it
then so much the better!

VOCAL RANGES
Nicola – soprano Richard – tenor
Hayley – soprano Ryan – tenor
Julia – mezzo-soprano Jim – baritone
Melanie – mezzo-soprano Paul – baritone

NOTES FROM THE COMPOSER

In Salsa! the castanet part scored should be viewed only as a basis; feel free to improvise as
much as possible to make the song more exotic and exciting.
If the violin double-stopping proves to be too difficult then the top line of the chords
should be played.
For A Simple Valley Song the tempos written are just suggestions. The tempo is flexible
and should be led by the performer. This song is all about comic timing and the singer
should embrace the words and really go to town!
For the scene changes/underscoring which is only scored for piano (keyboard), the
Musical Director may improvise as much as he/she wishes. If you feel comfortable
improvising, please do as it makes the scene changes more natural, and reduces the number
of repeated vamp bars.
For Dance with Me Reprise the idea is that Paul is about to spring into another sentimental
ballad and then gets interrupted by the loud entrance of Jim and Julia. At the cut off all
instruments should do a short downwards glissando so the chord ungraciously tails off.
I loved composing this show and the best advice I can give is to go to town on the up-beat
numbers, milk the sentimental passages and have as much fun as possible. Let the music
take flight!

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MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT ONE
1. Welcome Aboard! (All)
1a. Cabin Underscore (Instrumental)
1b. Richard and Ryan Entrance (Instrumental)
1c. Drinks Trolley Underscore (Instrumental)
2. What Do You Actually Do? (All)
2a. Chicken Curry Underscore (Instrumental)
2b. Cockpit Scene Change (Instrumental)
3. The Pilot Song (Jim, Melanie, Paul, Julia)
3b. Landing Underscore (Instrumental)
4. 24 Things In 24 Hours (All)
4a. 24 Things in 24 Hours Playoff / Scene Change (Instrumental)
4b. Underscore / Scene Change (Instrumental)
5. You Drive Me Crazy (Ryan, Richard)
5a. You Drive Me Crazy Playoff / Scene Change (Instrumental)
6. Dance With Me (Paul, Melanie)
6a. Dance With Me Playoff / Scene Change (Instrumental)
7. If I Could Find A Boy (Richard)
7a. Scene Change (Instrumental)
8. Salsa (Julia)
8a. Scene Change (Instrumental)
9. Welcome Aboard (Reprise) (All) [ If the show has no interval, omit this number and go to No. 10b. ]

ACT TWO
10a. Cabin Fever (Interval Version) (All) [ If the show has no interval, play No. 10b instead. ]
10b. Cabin Fever (No Interval Version) (All) [ If the show has an interval, play No. 10a instead. ]
10c. Tea And Coffee Underscore (Instrumental)
11. If I Could Find A Boy (Reprise) (Ryan)
12. Going Home (Nicola, Hayley)
12a. Scene Change (Instrumental)
12b. Underscore (Instrumental)
13. Dance With Me (Reprise) (Paul)
13a. Scene Change (Instrumental)
14. A Simple Valley Song (Hayley)
15. Finale (All)
16. Bows (Instrumental)

vii
CREDITS
Jet Set Go! was first developed and produced by Take Note Theatre at George Square
Theatre, Edinburgh as part of the 2008 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. It subsequently
transferred to Theatre 503 in Battersea, London, in September 2008, and was revived at the
Jermyn Street Theatre in April 2009.
The original production was directed and choreographed by Luke Sheppard, designed by
Katie Bellman with costumes by Enver Chakartash.

The original Edinburgh cast were:

Nicola Sarah Barratt
Hayley Katie Birtill
Melanie Maddie Moate
Julia Katherine Crook
Ryan Alex Johnston
Richard Mark Senior
Jim Tom Lee
Paul Nick Cork

The original Jermyn Street Theatre cast were:

Nicola Laura Scott
Hayley Amy Coombes
Melanie Danielle Corlass
Julia Emily Sidonie
Ryan John McManus
Richard Mark Evans
Jim Philip Riley
Paul Tim Driesen

The Jermyn Street Theatre production was directed and choreographed by Luke
Sheppard and designed by Mike Lees.

viii
 JET SET GO!

JET SET GO!

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

NICOLA enters with her clipboard.

NICOLA Alright, alright! Calm down everyone. Quiet! (When silent.) Thank you. I
know it’s exciting but we’ll soon be on our way . . .

Right, first things first. Please turn off your mobile phones! I know it’s
boring, but it’s gotta be done. (React accordingly to audience:) Ah see, I
knew you’d forget. / (OR:) Oh, so you’ve all done it then, have you? Very
good, I’m impressed!

Secondly, big news. We have got the Slough Rugby Team on board
today’s flight, so let’s give a big cheer for Slough. (React accordingly:)
Alright, they’re not that good . . . / (OR:) No, I wouldn’t cheer either . . .

(The cabin crew enter, preparing for their flight.)

Right then, I think that’s all you need to know for now. But hey . . . there’s
no time to sit there all comfy in your seats . . . oh no. We’ve got a long
flight ahead of us. Courtesy, of course, of Go Fly Airways . . .

Music No. 1: WELCOME ABOARD!

NICOLA So is everyone raring to go??

RYAN Yeah right.

NICOLA Then let’s get this show on the road . . .

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 JET SET GO!

(HAYLEY steps forward to make passenger announcements.)

HAYLEY Passengers for New York City boarding at gate 30

NICOLA Flight time today will be the usual 7 hours, 45 minutes . . .

CABIN CREW 45 minutes . . .

HAYLEY Please don’t leave your baggage unattended at any time

NICOLA (Laughing.) I’m guessing you all know this route quite well then . . .

HAYLEY Special offer 2-4-1 on perfumes in Duty Free

(The two pilots, PAUL and JIM enter.)

PAUL An eight hour flight

JIM Conditions right

NICOLA God knows why Slough are going to New York.

(The cabin crew assist with the announcements.)

RICHARD Passengers with children or disabled please come forward

JULIA The Slough rugby team, my God I can’t wait

RICHARD Flight’s on time, don’t delay, everyone will get on board

RYAN A whole rugby team, I bet they’re all straight

NICOLA Please remember passports should be open for inspection

JIM / PAUL We’re ready to go

2
 JET SET GO!

HAYLEY Ooh it’s so exciting.

(They all gather to open the cabin doors.)

ALL Open the doors, soon we’ll be gone

Are you ready to start letting them on
For our flight?

(Whispered.) So let’s fly

(‘Passengers’ start coming on; the cabin crew welcome them.)

RICHARD Ok, if you just pop along there to Mel she’ll be happy to seat you.

HAYLEY Ooh, I think we need to pop you into a larger seat . . .

NICOLA Your seat’s just down there on the aisle.

MELANIE If you need any help just push the button above your head!

RYAN Wow, look at your hat, that’s fabulous.

JULIA Oh, I love your pashmina!

ALL When you’re on a jet up high

That’s flying through the sky
You start to wonder why
You took the job

Your flight goes to Bombay

And though it takes a day
You only get to stay
A one night stop

Yet we fly away, fly away, fly away

To a location somewhere abroad
And we smile all day, smile all day, smile all day

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 JET SET GO!

Pleasant and attentive

When we’re so bored

(The crew introduce themselves to the audience.)

RYAN Hi, my name’s Ryan and before you do it, don’t: yes my name’s Ryan, no
I’ve not flown Ryanair . . . come on, I’ve got some class!

HAYLEY Ooh, I’m Hayley and I’m twenty-two years old. I love it when we fly to
Tokyo, though no-one understands a word I say!

JULIA The name’s Julia. I come from Puerto Rico. No, I am not from Spain. You
say that to my face and I will kick you off the flight.

JIM I’m Jim and I’m bored of this bloody job. There’s nowhere I haven’t been
and there’s nowhere I want to go and that’s that so fuck off.

NICOLA Move right down, take your seat, baggage in the overhead compartment

HAYLEY How do I look? Do I look okay?

NICOLA Please ensure your seatbelt’s tightly fastened at all times

JIM I wish we could go and be back in a day

NICOLA Mobile phones and pagers are forbidden, please don’t use them

MELANIE I feel really sick, I’m so nervous

NICOLA If you have a problem, push the button above your head

JULIA My make up is smudged, I look like a slag

NICOLA Passengers take note that there’s no smoking aboard this flight

RYAN Alarms in the loo, I just want a fag

4
 JET SET GO!

PAUL Just awaiting clearance from the tower, won’t be long now

ALL We’ll be on our way!

Everything’s done, ’bout to depart

Are you ready to go? Then we’ll embark
On our flight!

(The crew make hand safety gestures.)

Exit
Seatbelt
Armrest
Mask

Jacket
Whistle
Toggle
Slide

(This continues, with a group split doing:)

When you’re on a jet up high

That’s flying through the sky
You’ll ask yourself just why
You’re on the move

Budget for holiday

First class for business stay
It’s up to you, you pay
Get what you choose

ALL So let’s fly away, fly away, fly away

To a location somewhere abroad
And you gotta tap your feet, tap your feet, tap your feet
Don’t you get DVT
Welcome aboard

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 JET SET GO!

PAUL Hello! I’m Paul, I’m the First Officer on board this flight . . . not quite
Captain but I’m getting there, you’ll see!

RICHARD My name’s Richard but you can call me what you like; Rich, Richie,
Ricardo, Ricky, but please don’t call me Dick . . .

MELANIE My name’s Melanie. This is my first flight, and I’m really really scared
about it so please don’t ask me any more questions (She’s getting breathless,
hyperventilating.) Thanks.

NICOLA And I’m Nicola and if you hadn’t already guessed I’m the one who gets to
call the shots round here, hey, quite right if you ask me!

ALL Exit
Seatbelt PAUL: We’ve got clearance from the tower.
Armrest
Mask

Doors NICOLA: Cabin crew positions for take-off.

Closed
Ready, go

So let’s fly away, fly away, fly away

To a location somewhere abroad
And you gotta tap your feet, tap your feet, tap your feet
What’s your destination?
Or your inclination?

Soaring through the sky

Welcome aboard!

(End of song.)

6
 JET SET GO!

SCENE TWO

Music No. 1a: CABIN UNDERSCORE

The plane is in flight.

NICOLA uses the flight intercom to make a passenger announcement.

NICOLA Ladies and gentleman, although we are now airborne, we do ask that you
keep your seatbelts fastened until the seatbelt signs have been switched off,
but the captain will let you all know as soon as you’re able to do so.

(Music ends.)

In one part of the plane, MELANIE is taking slow deep breaths in and out. HAYLEY enters and
goes up to her.

MELANIE (Breathing heavily.)

HAYLEY Are you okay, my lovely?

MELANIE Oh, I’m fine, thanks. Just very very very very nervous. (Carries on her
breathing.)

HAYLEY Don’t worry, it’s never as bad as it seems.

MELANIE How was your first flight?

HAYLEY Oh, it was terrible. There was a problem with the engine and we had to
make an emergency landing in Tobago.

MELANIE Oh my God. (Breathing much faster.)

HAYLEY Oh don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere near Tobago today . . .

7
 JET SET GO!

MELANIE Really? Oh good. (Calmer.) I’m Melanie by the way, but everyone calls
me Mel.

HAYLEY I’m Hayley and everyone calls me Hayley. Nice to meet you.

MELANIE Have you been doing this long?

HAYLEY Oh, only about six months so I still really like it.

(HAYLEY shushes MELANIE whilst NICOLA makes an announcement.)

NICOLA We do ask that passengers refrain from smoking at all times whilst
onboard today’s flight.

MELANIE Oh God I could really murder a cigarette right now.

HAYLEY Oh, if you wanna have a fag, you can just nip out the back.

MELANIE Really? Where??

HAYLEY Straight through the curtains, open the door and you’re right outside. You
might fall a few thousand feet but the view’s to die for. Literally!

(They exit.)

Music No. 1b: RICHARD AND RYAN ENTRANCE

In another part of the plane, RICHARD is preparing his drinks cart. RYAN opens the curtains
theatrically behind him.

RYAN Richard Jones.

RICHARD Ryan Hill. Another flight together . . .

RYAN Two flights, Richie baby. Two flights; there and back . . .

8
 JET SET GO!

RICHARD And aren’t I sad that you’re stuck up in first class . . .

RYAN Well, ya know what babe, I am first class, you get me? Tara Palmer
Tompkinson’d miss me if I got stuck down here.

RICHARD I swear they just look at my rota and stick you on my shifts . . .

RYAN It’s a sign, Richie boy, it’s a sign.

RICHARD I’ll bet.

RYAN So you wanna make some plans for New York?

RICHARD Yes, my plan is to go to bed, do some shopping and come back home the
next day.

RYAN Oh God, bor-ing. My plan is this: get you blind drunk, and then have wild
and passionate sex.

RICHARD Yeah well if I wanted to have sex with you I’d need to be blind . . .

(NICOLA enters.)

NICOLA Right then: push the drinks out and watch them all get trollied. D’you
get it?

RYAN Yeah it was shit. Anyway, I’ll see you later, Richie boy. I’m sure that one
day they’ll let you mingle with the rich and famous in first class . . .

NICOLA Not until you’ve done your sixteen months . . .

RICHARD You know, I’m not sure I’ve read enough Heat to know who they all the
Z-lists are . . .

RYAN Well they love me baby, they certainly love me. Who doesn’t??

9
 JET SET GO!

(He leaves as JULIA enters.)

NICOLA Oh, Richard, let me introduce you to . . . (Wrong.) Julia.

JULIA It’s (With soft ‘h’ sound.) Julia.

NICOLA Oh God, right, yeah, sorry. Richard, this is . . . Julia.

JULIA Correct.

RICHARD Hi, it’s nice to meet you.

NICOLA Can you two buddy up on drinks for me today?

JULIA (Flirty.) Oh, I’d be happy to . . . hi, it’s nice to meet you . . . Dick. (She takes
his hand, strokes it seductively.)

NICOLA Right . . . well . . . this should be very interesting . . .

(She exits.)

RICHARD So then, Julia . . . you must be from Spain with a name like that?

JULIA (Sexy.) No, Puerto Rico, but don’t you worry, it’s an easy mistake to make.

RICHARD Well I’m gay, but don’t you worry, it’s an ‘easy mistake to make’. (Trolley.)
Shall we?

Music No. 1c: DRINKS TROLLEY UNDERSCORE

We go over to MELANIE and HAYLEY who are serving drinks.

HAYLEY Any beverages from the cart?

MELANIE (Quickly copying.) Any beverages from the cart?

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 JET SET GO!

HAYLEY Lovely. Ice and lemon?

MELANIE Lemon? Ice?

HAYLEY Beautiful.

MELANIE (Panicking.) Hayley, she wants lime.

HAYLEY We don’t have any lime.

MELANIE (Blurting out.) We don’t have any lime.

HAYLEY (Prompting her.) Say sorry . . .

MELANIE (Blurting out.) Say sorry. I mean, I’m sorry. Sorry!

HAYLEY And they call me blonde?? Any beverages from the cart?

(JULIA and RICHARD are also serving.)

JULIA (To RICHARD.) I started out, you see – (To customer, very bored.) any
peanuts or snacks? (To RICHARD.) I started out on BA, then moved over
to AA, then I think IB, back to BA and now I’m on GFA.

RICHARD Wow. You like to move around a lot.

JULIA (All sweetness.) I’m just good at my job. (To customer, very aggressively.)
Any peanuts or snacks? (Then back to RICHARD, all sweet again.) I think
that it’s my face, you know?

(They go off.)

(The music segues into . . .)

Music No. 2: WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO?

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 JET SET GO!

RYAN is in first class. He loves the glamour of it all; opening his arms theatrically to address
the cabin.

RYAN (Speaking ‘terribly’ posh.) Our main course today is a choice between a
steak and ale pie with caramelised onions, braised red cabbage and potato
dauphinoise or chilled tuna nicoise salad with lightly salted new potatoes,
green beans, kalamata olives, egg and anchovy fillets.

(Music stops).

(Snaps.) Though frankly I’d recommend the salad for someone of your
size . . .

(Smiling falsely.) The pie. What an excellent selection.

(Music resumes.)

You sit here up in first class, stuck with J-Lo or Madonna

Or some faded Broadway star who’s past her prime
And you smile and act polite so they never cotton onto
The fact you’re smiling hard to pass the time

Your bed won’t go down flat enough

Your cocktail isn’t shaken
There’s always some complaint that they can make
And I’m trying my best, but it’s just not enough
As a woman from Washington asks in a huff
“Ugh . . . cabin crew . . .
What do you actually do?”

(HAYLEY goes over to MELANIE.)

HAYLEY Don’t worry about it, Mel. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sure the drink
would have tasted great if it wasn’t in her lap.

MELANIE And in her hair.

12
 JET SET GO!

HAYLEY Well yeah, that’s true . . .

MELANIE It just slipped.

HAYLEY Don’t worry, you’ll get used it eventually.

MELANIE I just thought it’d be so different . . .

HAYLEY Really?

MELANIE When I was in training they never said cabin crew were just waitresses
in the sky

HAYLEY Well, we are.

MELANIE They said we were indispensable, firstly considered a first aid crew
up high
But now I see, it’s not so easy
Cabin crew life is just not breezy
So tell me Hayley,
What do we actually do?

HAYLEY I don’t understand what you mean.

MELANIE Well, don’t we ever get to do anything a bit more important?

HAYLEY Melanie, this is important . . .

We flirt with most of the guys

We laugh at all of their jokes

MELANIE But have you ever saved a life?

HAYLEY No!

Whenever someone is ill or badly injured I just ask someone else

Passengers might get you down

13
 JET SET GO!

But put on a smile wipe away that frown

BOTH Never ask yourself

“What do you actually do?”

HAYLEY See, you’re a seasoned pro already. Once you resign yourself to the fact that
we all we do is push a trolley, you’ll be fine . . .

MELANIE But I want to save lives!

HAYLEY (Beat.) Then you should have been a nurse.

We move over to JULIA.

JULIA Oh . . . soooo, you’re having a heart attack, are you? And now you want my
help? Well, you didn’t want my help when you looking down my top and
trying to grab my ass, did you? You think it’s so easy? Hah!

What did you say?

What were you thinking
Didn’t you think that I was qualified
To save your life
You never knew
I work day and night
Sweating for you
Trying my best
And now it’s up to me
If I wasn’t trained
And didn’t know how to perform CPR
On people like you you’d die!

So the next time you get on my flight

You’ll thank me and you’ll
Never contemplate
Never speak out loud
Never ever ask me
“What do you actually do?”

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 JET SET GO!

RYAN Your champagne isn’t cold enough

MELANIE The man in front is snoring

JULIA Some baby in the back just won’t shut up

ALL Shut up!

RYAN The magazines are out of date

MELANIE The in-flight film is boring

ALL And someone’s just thrown up in aisle two

JULIA Some kids are shagging in the loo

MELANIE The queue outside is building

ALL There’s always some complaint that they can make

RYAN And I try to make tips, as you powder your cheeks

As your boyfriend comes onto the first class freaks

JULIA And you’ve gotta be smart and you’ve gotta be tough

But whatever you do it’s just not enough

ALL And so now that you know all the things that we do
Maybe next time you’ll stop and you’ll think it through
Never ask us

JULIA “What do you actually do?”

RYAN Enjoy your pie!

MELANIE “What do you actually do?”

JULIA I hope you learnt your lesson.

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 JET SET GO!

RYAN “What do you actually do?”

MELANIE I’ll just fetch a cloth, shall I?

JULIA “What do you . . .

RYAN . . . actually . . .

MELANIE . . . do?”

(End of song.)

(HAYLEY and RYAN exit).

(NICOLA enters.)

NICOLA Melanie, if it’s alright with you, I’m gonna take you off service for today.

MELANIE Oh, okay, yeah that’s fine.

NICOLA It was a bit unfair to throw you into the deep end with serving drinks, I
mean, you’ve got to work you way up haven’t ya, so I’m gonna put you on
pilot duty instead.

MELANIE Thanks, Nicola, I really appreciate it.

NICOLA No worries, my lovely, everyone gets nervous on their first day. It’s when
you get to my stage, ten years of service, you wanna start to worry. Then it
gets like clockwork . . . you’ll be doing it in your sleep.

MELANIE Oh God, can you imagine that . . . the same old thing . . . day after day . . .

NICOLA (Gritted teeth.) Yeah. Imagine that . . .

(We go into . . . )

Music No. 2a: CHICKEN CURRY UNDERSCORE

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Back out front, the stewards are walking up and down serving food.

JULIA (Incredibly bored.) Chicken curry, veggie curry?

RICHARD (Enthusiastic.) Chicken curry, veggie curry?

JULIA Chicken curry, veggie curry?

RICHARD Chicken curry, veggie curry?

JULIA (She stops, suddenly nice, smiling.) Lobster ravioli? (The music stops, she
laughs.) As if!!

(They move off.)

(As the scene changes, RYAN and HAYLEY enter spraying and wafting air
fragrance, ‘selling’ the product as best they can with big smiles.)

Music No. 2b: COCKPIT SCENE CHANGE

SCENE THREE

The cock-pit.

Pilot JIM and co-pilot PAUL sit in their chairs wearing Ray Bans. JIM takes his off, PAUL
quickly follows suit and then makes an announcement.

PAUL (Excitedly.) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your First Officer Paul speaking!
Greetings from the cock-pit!

(JIM looks at him, disgusted at his cheeriness. PAUL gives him a thumbs up.)

PAUL You’ll be pleased to know that we’re now cruising nicely at approximately
35,000 feet. That’s 10.6 kilometres, depending on how you take your
units. Ha! Six point six miles! (Awkward moment as he looks at JIM, who’s

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unimpressed.) Flight conditions today, you’ll be pleased to know, are

excellent. We’ll keep you updated as the flight progresses, but until next
time, we’ll leave you in the safe and comfortable hands of Nicki and the
beautiful in-flight team. Thank you. Over!

JIM Over?

PAUL Yeah . . . you know . . . mix things up.

(JIM shakes his head.)

I can’t wait to get to New York!

JIM Oh yeah?

PAUL The Big Apple . . . The City That Never Sleeps . . . there’s endless
possibilities, you know.

JIM Oh yeah, endless. A Times Square bar. The hotel bar. The mini-bar . . .

PAUL I mean sightseeing. There’s so many things I want to see!

JIM What, a Starbucks on every corner?

PAUL No, New York’s about . . . the magic . . . the mysticism . . . (Dreamily.) the
romance . . . This really is just the best job ever! I mean, surely you of all
people should agree . . . weren’t you once . . . dare I say it . . . “Britain’s
Youngest Pilot” . . . ?

JIM (Snaps.) God, Paul, shut up. You haven’t got a bloody clue!

Music No. 3: THE PILOT SONG

What you gotta know about this job is

And trust me I’ve done it long enough to know
It’s just the same old story day after day
And I’m fed up with running this show

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(He stands and goes downstage, out of the cockpit area.)

I don’t care what people say

I’m gonna live my life my way
So if you really want to stay

PAUL Jim, get back on the plane.

JIM You’re gonna have to learn to play

PAUL Well I won’t have time for playing, I’ll be flying!

JIM Paul . . . stop getting ahead of yourself . . .

You’ve gotta be cool

You’ve gotta stay tough
Keep your feet on the ground

You’ve gotta chill out

You’ve gotta relax
Take your head out the clouds and come down

If you wanna fly planes then just follow my rules

You can have the right brains, and the up-to-date tools
You can act the part
You can wear the clothes
But don’t ever think you’re better than me

(JULIA and MELANIE enter.)

JULIA Hi guys, any drinks or . . . snacks? Well, well, well, Jim Allardyce, we meet
again.

JIM Afternoon, Julia.

MELANIE Oh, do you two know each other?

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JULIA You could say that. What was it, Jim? Flight 426 to Sweden?

JIM I think you’ll find that was the one. One of many . . .

Remember the time

That we flew to Beijing?
Over Chinese New Year

JULIA How could I forget . . .

JIM So sour and sweet

You the sauce, me the meat
I kept your pants as a souvenir

(He takes her thong from his top pocket and flicks it at her.)

So what do you say, the hotel when we land?

JULIA But on the condition that I’m in command

JIM Julia baby,

You know that that’s crazy
No don’t ever think you’re better than me

JULIA Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m being rude . . . Melanie, this is Jim. And this is the co-
pilot, Phil.

PAUL (Irritated.) Actually it’s First Officer and it’s Paul.

JULIA Yeah . . . sure . . .

MELANIE Hi Paul!

(A romantic musical moment cuts in. They look at each other dreamily).

Nice to meet you.

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PAUL Nice to meet you too.

(This soppy romantic moment between them is cut off by:)

JULIA / JIM Urgh!

JIM Alright. Enough of this nice to meet you shit, give it a week and you’ll be
tearing each other’s hair out.

JULIA Now listen, we came to check you weren’t dying in here, are you okay?

JIM We’re fine.

MELANIE Can I get you anything to drink?

PAUL Oh anything’s fine . . .

JULIA Then anything is what you shall get. Goodbye boys.

MELANIE Bye Paul!

PAUL Bye Mel! See you in New York!

(The girls exit.)

(JIM stands and grips the sitting PAUL by the shoulders.)

JIM I used to be like you Paul

So young and so naïve
I thought this’ll be amazing
The things that I’ll achieve

But then I grew up

Pretty soon I found
That I had been deceived

PAUL That actually quite hurts.

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JIM It’s an uphill climb

So just give it time
You’ll start to feel aggrieved

(PAUL’S seat lowers suddenly.)

So face up to facts if you want to succeed

Take hold of the stick and start taking the lead
Stop mumbling nothing
Grow balls, be a man
Stop being pathetic
Start thinking you can
But don’t ever think
Don’t ever expect to be
Cos Paul, I’m afraid you’ll never be
Better than me

(End of song.)

Music No. 3a: SCENE CHANGE / UNDERSCORE

SCENE FOUR

Back in the cockpit, NICOLA is making an announcement.

NICOLA Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll soon be preparing the cabin for landing, so if
you’re up having a stretch or using the toilet please begin to make your
way back to your seats. Thank you.

(Music ends.)

(NICOLA goes over to HAYLEY with a rubbish bag.)

NICOLA Right then, Hayley, do you mind going up and down with the rubbish bags
for me?

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HAYLEY Oh no, do I have to? I really hate it.

NICOLA Someone’s got to do it.

HAYLEY Why don’t you ask Melanie to do it? She’s new!

NICOLA Here you go. (She gives her the bag.)

HAYLEY Ooh, Nicola, before I forget . . . me and Richard are going out for pizza in
Little Italy tomorrow lunchtime, you know . . . Mamma mia! Bella Italia!
Spaghetti bolognaise! You should join us . . .

NICOLA I’d love to but I’m afraid I’m on a mission: I’ve gotta get David some shirts
from Abercrombie and Fitch. It’s so much cheaper over here.

HAYLEY David’s got you wrapped round his little finger!

NICOLA Rubbish! Speaking of which . . . off you go, young lady . . .

HAYLEY God, you’re the rubbish one! Bloody slave driver, you are.

NICOLA It is my job.

HAYLEY (Going.) Oh, I love you really!

PAUL (Off.) Cabin crew seats for landing.

Music No. 3b: LANDING UNDERSCORE

(The crew enter, giving orders to passengers.)

JULIA Could you possibly put that table up for me please, you know, for landing?

NICOLA It’s freezing, who turned the fans on?

HAYLEY Any rubbish anyone?

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RYAN Has anyone seen Vanessa Feltz? She’s gone missing.

RICHARD Do you mind turning that laptop off for me, thank you.

MELANIE No I will not accompany you to the toilet! (Going up to NICOLA.) Can you
believe, the guy in 2A just asked me to go to the toilet with him . . .

NICOLA And what did you do?

MELANIE What do you think I did? I gave him a piece of my mind, I’m not cheap
enough to stoop to the level of someone like him . . .

NICOLA Melanie . . .

MELANIE . . . someone who’d treat me as if I’m some kind of piece of meat!

NICOLA Melanie . . .

MELANIE I am not a prostitute.

NICOLA Melanie!

(The music abruptly stops.)

He’s disabled.

MELANIE (Beat.) Oh. Shit.

(NICOLA exits. The first flight is over. MELANIE is left onstage in spotlight.
We move straight into . . .)

SCENE FIVE

MELANIE, alone.

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Music No. 4: 24 THINGS IN 24 HOURS

MELANIE First time in New York

There’s lots I want to see
So many sights, so many things
Is it the city I imagined it to be?
I want to see it all
Don’t want to waste my time
Is it like what you see on TV?
Like in Friends, maybe?
I need a guide
I’m just another British tourist
So help me!

(New York is revealed in all its glory.)

(The crew and pilots enter.)

PAUL /
NICOLA Touchdown, get off the plane
And go downtown
In the fast lane
There’s a big world
Waiting for you
So take advantage of it all

RICHARD /
HAYLEY One day, that’s all you got
But it’s okay
Give it a shot
You’ll be amazed
Let’s make a start
Manhattan is yours for a day

RYAN Go to Chelsea for jazz

Times Square for pizzazz
Do things posh on the Upper West Side

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JULIA Go to Harlem for dancing

The Park for romancing

JIM But steer clear of the Lower East Side . . .

ALL Cos we’ve got

24 things in 24 hours
Time is short so don’t delay
24 things in 24 hours
You’ll be pleased to get away
All within 24 hours
Night or day, come sun or showers
It’s just 24 hours so
Get up
Get out
Get moving
Don’t waste your time

(They busy themselves looking at maps, pointing at buildings. It’s all very
exciting!)

MELANIE New York, where do I start?

Is it all talk?
I need a map
Cos it’s so big, I’m overwhelmed
It’s all I dreamed that it would be

JIM / JULIA One night, that’s all we’ve got

But it’s alright
We’ll make it last
There’s just no time to fit it in
The heat in the bedroom is hot!

PAUL I wish I could take someone

Nice on a date
We’d kiss on the sidewalk at night

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MELANIE I want to explore

Never been here before
It’s my first international flight

RYAN On the ground it’s always work, rest and play

HAYLEY You sleep through the night, you play through the day

NICOLA You can go see a film

RICHARD You can take in a show

JULIA Go shopping for diamonds?

JIM I think I’ll say no . . .

JULIA (Whining.) But I want to go shopping

(The girls join in, dreaming about shopping in New York.)

GIRLS Wanna go shopping!

For Gucci, Versace, Prada, Dior

(They hum a backup.)

RYAN I hear they’ve opened up a Topman down in SoHo

With clothes half the price
You can spend money twice

GIRLS /
RYAN We wanna go shopping
There’s so little time

ALL But clothes don’t come cheap

When the dollar’s this steep!

(They all rush around JIM, telling him about their purchases.)

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MELANIE Ooh! A cashmere coat

HAYLEY A diamond ring

RICHARD /
PAUL A new CD

JULIA And a hat for spring

RYAN A bag for me

NICOLA A shirt for him

JIM And I don’t want . . . anything

(Despite his protest, they continue. JIM dismisses their suggestions.)

RICHARD /
RYAN A DVD

HAYLEY A cuddly bear

PAUL A new gold watch

MELANIE And some silverware

NICOLA Some high heeled shoes

JULIA A splash of rouge

JIM But you could buy that anywhere!

ALL BUT JIM But we’ve got . . .

ALL 24 things in 24 hours

Time is short so don’t delay
24 things in 24 hours

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You’ll be pleased to get away

All within 24 hours
Night or day, come sun or showers
It’s just 24 hours so
Get up
Get out
Get moving
Don’t waste your time

NICOLA Alright, time to take your room keys. Julia, you’re with Hayley.

JULIA (Moaning.) Oh great . . .

HAYLEY What??

JULIA (Very false.) Fantastic!

NICOLA New girl, Melanie, you’re in with the boss.

MELANIE Who?

NICOLA Me! Who’d you think? (Beat.) Pilots, you get separate rooms. Richard,
you’re with Ryan.

RYAN Yes!

RICHARD No way!

RYAN What? Everyone wants to share with me.

RICHARD They don’t.

RYAN They do.

RICHARD (Getting faster.) They don’t.

RYAN They do . . .

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RICHARD They don’t!

RYAN They do!

NICOLA (Shouts.) QUIET!!

ALL 24 things in 24 hours

Time is short so don’t delay MELANIE: Don’t delay!
24 things in 24 hours
You’ll be pleased to get away
All within 24 hours
Night or day, come sun or showers
It’s just 24 hours so
Get up
Get out
Get moving
Don’t waste your . . . time

(But despite their wishes, the lights begin to dim, signalling nightfall.)

RICHARD Because your body clock’s saying slow down and stop

NICOLA We’re an hour away from 11 o’clock

All You want to go to bed

And rest your head

MELANIE But there’s a city outside

I’m dying to meet

ALL BUT
MELANIE You can tomorrow
But for now let’s sleep

MELANIE 24 things in 24 hours!

(End of song.)

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Music No. 4a: 24 THINGS IN 24 HOURS PLAYOFF / SCENE CHANGE

SCENE SIX

A hotel room. MELANIE and NICOLA are unpacking.

NICOLA We’re supposed to have our own rooms, but the airline cocked up. Turns
out they’ve got forty-five crew stranded because of hurricanes across the
Pacific.

MELANIE Do you get stranded abroad a lot?

NICOLA Not really.

MELANIE Well what do you do when you do?

NICOLA Put our feet up, relax . . . and get paid lots of overtime! Hooray!

(NICOLA’S mobile phone rings.)

So how did you find the flight in the end today?

MELANIE Erm, yeah, it’s was alright . . . nerve-wracking.

NICOLA Sorry, let me just get this. (Answering.) Hello?

MELANIE I mean . . . sometimes . . .

NICOLA (Phone.) Hello?? I can’t hear you . . . (To MELANIE.) Sorry sweetheart,
sometimes . . . ?

MELANIE Oh, you know, with all those rugby guys on board . . . making comments
all the time, it just sort of makes you feel a bit . . .

NICOLA (Call connects.) Hiya babe. Yeah, I’m fine. (Mouths “sorry” to MELANIE.)

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MELANIE . . . petrified.

NICOLA (Phone.) Oh, you know, not much. Absolutely knackered . . . it’s like 3am
on our body clocks and that.

(MELANIE feels uncomfortable, so goes to leave.)

MELANIE I’ll just . . .

NICOLA Oh okay . . . I won’t be long. I’m really sorry.

(She slips out.)

NICOLA Oh, s’just the new girl, Mel. Seems nice. Very nervous. I remember my first
day though, all excited when it’s new. That won’t last I’m sure. (She
listens.) Ahh, I miss you too. Is that what you’re calling for? You’re such a
sweetie.

Music No. 4b: UNDERSCORE / SCENE CHANGE

(Pause.) Ah, I wish I was there as well . . . Look, I love you, you know I do.
I’ll be back in two days, I promise. Two days and I’ll be home.

(We move next door into . . .)

SCENE SEVEN

RYAN and RICHARD’S hotel room. RYAN bursts in, followed by RICHARD.

RYAN Right. Let’s. Get. Wasted. Mini-bar? Sc-rew that. First class miniatures all
the way . . . (He tips out some miniature bottles.)

RICHARD You do that, Ryan, but I am going to bed.

RYAN Bed . . . (Mock-shock.) Bed? Richard, it’s 10pm.

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RICHARD Well my body clock’s on 3am London time.

RYAN But it’s 10pm New York time. We should both be getting ready to go out.

RICHARD No can do. 3am means time for bed.

RYAN Fine, we’ll go to bed. (Beat.) Yours or mine?

RICHARD Neither. But thanks for the offer. It was really . . . (Looks at him.)
tempting . . . ?

RYAN God, you’re soooo boring. I wish I was stuck with Tiny Tim instead. You
know Tiny Tim, right, Tiny Tim from Leeds? Well trust me, I don’t know
where he gets that nickname from cos there’s nothing tiny / about . . .

RICHARD / Goodnight, Ryan. Now can you turn around please, I’m about to get
changed.

RYAN God you’re such a prude!

RICHARD Turn. Now.

(He turns. RICHARD changes.)

RYAN Turning!! God. Don’t have a baby. You know you really need to live a bit
sometimes, Richard? Carpe diem and all that. Live da vida loca. My mum
always says ‘God, you kids . . . You’re living the dream, you are . . . Tokyo,
Sydney, Paris, New York, it’s a different place every day’. Well I’ll tell you
what, Richard, if it’s all jet set go around here, then there’s none of this
3am bedtime thing with me. We’ve got to live our lives; really live them to
the max. Are you done?

RICHARD Yep, I’m done.

(RYAN turns round, RICHARD is wearing pyjamas.)

RYAN Pyjamas? Richard, please!

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RICHARD Goodnight, Ryan.

Music No. 5: YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY

(Vamp starts.)

RYAN (Teasingly taking his belt off.) Permission to undress?

RICHARD Wow, lucky me. A strip show.

RYAN Well if you’re really lucky I might just go the full monty . . .

(He takes his trousers off to reveal ridiculous underwear.)

RYAN What, you don’t like?

RICHARD You make me laugh.

RYAN Well you make me cry. A beautiful boy like you and a beautiful man like
me . . . It’s a missed opportunity, Dicky.

If only you knew how lovely we’d be

The pair of us coupling off, oh you’d see!
A pair of young boys both fit in their prime
Imagine the things we could do
If you were with me, if we were a pair
You’d feel the attraction, the vibe, the intensity

RICHARD Not me.

There’s nothing about you I even like

Can’t think of a thing that is right
I don’t like your smile, I don’t like your hair
And all of your pants are too tight
You like to play stereotypes
You love Kylie and YMCA
The fact is you’re everything that I’m not

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You drive me crazy RYAN: I know, crazy in love

You drive me crazy RYAN: Alright, put your toys back in the pram.

You go to G-A-Y so Ryan ask yourself why

We would fit
You’ve got the wrong guy

RYAN Oh Richard, you’re so dull.

RICHARD Then leave me alone!

RYAN I would if I could but I can’t . . .

When I took the job, I thought there would be

An endless succession of men

RICHARD And Ryan I’m sure they’re all queuing up

But I’m not like any of them

RYAN I thought there’d be guys, I thought there’d be sex

I thought they’d be over me, under me, everywhere . . .

RICHARD Too much detail.

RYAN I don’t understand why you don’t submit

There must be a reason why you’re holding back
You hate having fun, you hate having sex,
You can’t be that bad in the sack
There isn’t a person on earth
Who’d reject me, repel me, abuse me, so use me
Come on, let yourself go

RICHARD Take a hint!

RYAN You drive me crazy

RICHARD Do I? That’s fine . . .

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RYAN You drive me crazy

RICHARD Excellent. Goodnight, Ryan.

RYAN You go to bed at ten

You don’t like playing with men
What’s the point?
I’m off to a club

(RYAN starts to get dressed to go out. He chooses a hideous tight-fitting camp

t-shirt.)

RICHARD Thank God, some peace at last!

RYAN If you won’t have me, I’m sure I’ll find an adoring admirer in Greenwich
Village.

RICHARD (Sarcastic.) I’m sure you will.

Please don’t wake me if you come in crying

RYAN I won’t.

RICHARD Tomorrow morning I’d like a good lie-in

You look good, you smell great, I hope you get laid

RYAN So think how cute we’d be

RICHARD No! We’ll never be

BOTH There’s no way I’ll change, “I am who I am”

Fuck you, stop making a stand
It’s clear to me now we’ll never agree
So leave me to be my own man

RICHARD I’m glad we’re clear and found a good resolution

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RYAN I’m going out to start a sex revolution

BOTH Let’s hope it doesn’t end in gay prostitution

RICHARD Good night, goodbye and farewell

RYAN You’ll meet your maker in hell

BOTH You drive me crazy

RYAN I’m gonna find a man tonight

RICHARD You drive me crazy

Don’t wake me, I’ll be sleeping tight

RYAN You drive me crazy

Enjoy your lonely sleep

RICHARD You drive me crazy

I’m sure you’ll hook up with a creep!

RYAN You always wonder why you never find the right guy

RICHARD Well if it’s sex you crave, I’ll never be your slave

BOTH You always push too far, don’t you know what you are
Just give up

(They’re right up against each other angrily, it’s tense. Is RYAN going to go in
for a kiss? We’re not sure. RYAN breaks the moment with a slight movement
and RICHARD flinches back quickly.)

RYAN It’s your loss not mine

RICHARD Go have a good time

RYAN (Defiantly.) Oh, I will.

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RICHARD Goodnight, Ryan.

(RYAN does a big diva sigh – ‘urgh!’ – and goes.)

(End of song.)

Music No. 5a: YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY PLAYOFF / SCENE CHANGE

SCENE EIGHT

The hotel corridor. MELANIE bumps into PAUL.

MELANIE Oh, sorry . . .

PAUL Melanie, right?

MELANIE Yeah! Hi. Paul . . .

PAUL You remember my name!

MELANIE Are you going out somewhere?

PAUL Yep, thought I’d take a stroll, soak up the town. I don’t see why everyone
always wastes their time here sleeping . . . there’s so much to do, why go
straight to bed?! What are you going to do?

MELANIE Oh . . . you know . . . go straight to bed. . . ?

PAUL Oh . . . right, yeah, but – who cares – you’re new! That’s fine . . . you
know . . . (Suggestive.) going to bed can be lots of fun as well . . .

(They both laugh awkwardly.)

MELANIE Um . . . well . . . I would be asleep by now but Nicki’s on the phone to her
boyfriend . . .

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PAUL No surprise there. If she’s not talking to him she’s talking about him.

MELANIE Really?

PAUL Oh yeah . . . it’s ‘David this’ and ‘David that’. She’s in the worst possible
job for spending time apart . . . relationships never last in this industry
unless . . . (Suggesting something.) both partners work in the air . . .

MELANIE Oh . . .

Music No. 6: DANCE WITH ME

PAUL (Awkwardly.) Soooo . . . anyway, there’s a big city outside – fancy a

promenade?

MELANIE Oh I’d love to, but it’s so late . . .

PAUL Go on . . . We’ve got the whole day off tomorrow . . .

MELANIE Oh, I would if I could but I can’t. . .

PAUL Come on, Mel . . .

Why stay stuck up on the fifth floor?

When the city plays outside?
I can’t tell you the amazing things there are out there
Try it

MELANIE Oh I’d love to, but . . .

PAUL Have you ever seen New York sparkling?

Seen it shining bright at night?
Here alone
So far from home
Come on, give it a chance . . .

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Dance with me
Throw your cares away, come take flight
Dance with me
Who cares if it’s the height of night

(She’s not sure yet, so he demonstrates awkwardly. She watches, amused.)

Kick your heels up and throw your hair back

And try to let yourself go
There’s so much to see
If only you’d let me show you so . . .

Dance with me
Feel the rhythm that’s in your feet
Dance with me
Let me see the way you can move
Dance with me
Take a leap and abandon all your cares
If you dance with me
Dance with me
Dance ’til the morning light

MELANIE It sounds fantastic but, you know I’ll be jet lagged in the morning and . . .

(He offers his hand to dance.)

MELANIE (Succumbing.) Oh . . .

(She takes it. They dance, hesitantly at first.)

PAUL Dance with me

Show me moves that the new girls do

MELANIE You know I’m not a good dancer. . .

PAUL Dance with me

Prove to me that the your stewardess skills are on top

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MELANIE They’re not . . .

PAUL Tap down sidewalks and waltz the west side

With top hats accompanied by canes
Take a step with me
My feet are fancy free

(MELANIE is growing in confidence.)

MELANIE So I should
Dance with you

PAUL That’s right.

MELANIE Lose myself in the heart of town

PAUL See you’re coming around now

MELANIE Dance with you

Let my feelings take over

BOTH Dance with you PAUL: Dance with me

Take a step there are no more words to say

MELANIE If I dance with you

PAUL Dance with me

BOTH Dance ’til the morning light

(She is now won over and goes for it!)

MELANIE Oh my God, let’s do it like we’re on Broadway!

PAUL What? In the corridor??

MELANIE Come on, Paul, it was your idea! 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8 . . .

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(Dance break. It’s wonderful.)

PAUL (During dance break.) It’s almost like we rehearsed this.

(The actors may like to ad lib, exclaiming to each other. They have fun until,
at its climax, PAUL comes close to kissing her. There’s a moment where she
might, but then she pulls back.)

MELANIE Oh Paul . . . This is fun but bed . . . Bedtime . . . Bed, bed, bed . . .

(She hurries off. He looks after her, but she’s gone. After initial
disappointment, PAUL is delighted at what’s just happened!)

PAUL She danced with me!

2am
Time stood still
Could it be?
Are there stars in my eyes?
She danced with me
Soaring flying, she set me free!
It’s like we took flight
Just us tonight
When she danced with me
Dancing I felt like I danced all . . .

(He tries to think of a better lyric but steals a famous one instead.)

. . . Night!

(End of song.)

Music No. 6a: DANCE WITH ME PLAYOFF / SCENE CHANGE

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SCENE NINE

The next day. RICHARD and HAYLEY are out to lunch at an Italian restaurant.

HAYLEY Hawaiian.

RICHARD Pepperoni.

HAYLEY BBQ Chicken.

RICHARD Crispy duck.

HAYLEY Ahh crispy duck! That’s the best one.

RICHARD Definitely.

HAYLEY With hoisin sauce.

RICHARD And cucumber.

HAYLEY Urgh. Cucumber, on a pizza? No thank you, Richard Jones.

RICHARD It’s nice. You should try it. You know this place does the best pizzas in
Manhattan.

HAYLEY Really?

RICHARD Absolutely. And trust me, I’ve tried them all.

HAYLEY You don’t look you’ve scoffed a lot of pizzas, you’re tiny!

RICHARD Ah, that’s because I eat my cucumber . . .

HAYLEY Clearly . . .

RICHARD Well when I lived in Italy, I tried like a thousand different types . . .

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HAYLEY (Cutting in.) Whoah, whoah, whoah, stop there for a second Mr Jones.
You lived in Italy?

RICHARD Yeah! For a year.

HAYLEY Bollocks!

RICHARD I did!

HAYLEY You didn’t!

RICHARD I did!

HAYLEY Say ‘I can speak Italian’.

RICHARD Parlo italiano.

HAYLEY Wow! That’s magic!

RICHARD No, that’s studying Italian for three years.

HAYLEY Three years, Jesus . . .

RICHARD I’d love to own a place like this one day. A pizzeria in the Tuscan
mountains . . . it’s my dream . . .

HAYLEY Wow. That’d be amazing. Ahh, you’re so lucky. I’m too thick to speak a
foreign language.

RICHARD You’re not thick.

HAYLEY Everyone else thinks I am.

RICHARD Who?

HAYLEY Passengers, crew . . . everyone thinks it. Just cos I’ve got a bit of an accent.
But I’m not just a bimbo, you know . . . I’ve got a brain as big as me boobs.

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RICHARD I’m sure . . .

HAYLEY Not that you care . . . my beauty is wasted on you. No, I need to find myself
a man as straight as an HB pencil.

RICHARD Ahh, you’ll find someone else. No problem.

HAYLEY Where? In gay New York? Unlikely. No, it’s you who should be finding
someone.

RICHARD ‘Unlikely’.

HAYLEY Why?

RICHARD Most gay guys just aren’t my type.

HAYLEY Why, what’s your type?

Music No. 7: IF I COULD FIND A BOY

RICHARD I dunno really. Take Ryan . . .

HAYLEY (Excited.) Yeah!

RICHARD And find the exact opposite of him.

HAYLEY Oh. So you want them tall, dark, mysterious . . .

RICHARD No, just someone who’s gay . . .

HAYLEY . . . but not gay.

RICHARD Exactly.

Every time I find someone good looking

HAYLEY What, like Tom Cruise?

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Straight away I tend to find his flaws

HAYLEY Oh yeah, well he’s got plenty!

RICHARD Where’s the guy for me?

I can’t find him but I know that he is there somewhere
Somewhere

Maybe it’s that I am too impatient

I give up so fast, it never lasts and I’m alone
If I could find a boy
If I could find a boy

HAYLEY Well I think I’m gonna have the garlic doughballs.

RICHARD If I could paint a picture of the perfect man for me

He’d be a tall Italian stranger, with a villa by the sea

HAYLEY Good choice.

RICHARD I see him in his swimming trunks, perhaps a size too small
But that’s okay with me
It keeps me smiling

He looks in my direction, there’s suddenly a spark

And then we’re talking for hours, about philosophy and art
He’s real and unpretentious, with a funny kind of laugh
And though I never say
I think I’m falling

This is what I want

This is what I need
Suddenly it’s perfect, I suddenly believe
So why do I keep searching
For someone who’s not there
Who can make me feel complete
Really sweep me off my feet

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If I could find a boy

If I could find a boy

And the future is perfect for me and Mr Right

As we buy a house together, we share every day and night
As the spring turns into summer, he gets down on one knee
And looks into my eyes and asks ‘will you marry me?’

At the wedding . . .“civil partnership”. . . our countries both unite

He’s in green and red for Italy, and I’m in blue and white
I see our life together: adopting foreign kids
We’re like the perfect pair, but then I wake up

Yes, I’m still alone

Yes, I’m out of luck
Why is it so hard
And why am I still stuck?
And sometimes I imagine he’s my perfect dream guy
But then it fades away
If I wait
If I try
I will find a boy

(End of song.)

HAYLEY Oh bloody hell, you’ve depressed me now. I’m never gonna find someone.

RICHARD (Pointing at someone in the audience.) Look, the guy over there’s been
checking you out since we got here.

HAYLEY (Looking.) Richard, he’s old enough to be my Granddad.

RICHARD Not him, him . . .

HAYLEY Ohhh . . . (Raunchy.) Hellooo . . . he’s like a stuffed-crust, deep-pan, triple-

topping meat feast with extra cheese . . .

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RICHARD Look, if you want a date I’ll get you one . . .

(He goes into the audience.)

HAYLEY Richard! Don’t! Where are you going? You’re so embarrassing!

(A little comedy moment as HAYLEY tries to act cool when she is clearly being
pointed out by RICHARD, who is getting her a date with an audience
member.)

HAYLEY Ooh . . . hiya . . .

(RICHARD comes back, having asked an audience member their name.)

RICHARD His name’s X and he’ll meet you here at 6 o’clock.

HAYLEY 6?! But we’re leaving at 10!

RICHARD Then you’ll have to be quick.

HAYLEY (Raunchy.) Not a problem . . . Oh my God, Richard, you’re amazing. (She

hugs him, then realises her date is watching them.) Oh, not that amazing!
Not like that . . . don’t worry, he’s gay, he repels women!

RICHARD And men . . .

HAYLEY And men! (Realising she was very loud.) Oh shit. (Loud.) Not really! If you
wanna leave your phone number he’ll call you . . . he’s desperate!

(They go off.)

(We move into . . . )

Music No. 7a: SCENE CHANGE

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SCENE TEN

Outside the hotel, MELANIE and PAUL are back from sightseeing wearing “I Love NY”
t-shirts. He snaps a photo of her posing with her thumbs up (or, you could ask an audience
member to take a photo of them). They’re very much the tourists abroad.

MELANIE God I can’t believe we’ve only got a few hours left . . . it feels like we only
got here yesterday.

PAUL (Beat.) We did.

MELANIE Oh. Well you know what they say – time flies when you’re having fun!
Don’t you think New York’s the most amazing city in the world?

PAUL I know . . .

MELANIE The Statue of Liberty . . . The Met . . .

PAUL Times Square.

MELANIE I didn’t like Times Square.

PAUL Really?

MELANIE It’s just so . . . big. So commercial. I much prefer the smaller, more . . . intimate
places.

PAUL (Agreeing for the sake of it.) Right, yeah. Me too.

MELANIE (Subtly.) You know, you don’t have to be so agreeable all the time . . .

PAUL Oh yeah, definitely, of course, you’re right.

MELANIE See!

PAUL Okay, fine, I much preferred the bigger places. Where there’s power
and . . . size!

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MELANIE Good! See! Thank you so much for showing me round . . . I had a really
great time today.

PAUL Oh, well I did too . . .

(There’s a moment where he may kiss her. They get close but she fakes a
distraction.)

MELANIE (Pointing.) Oh, wow, look, a plane! Anyway, Paul . . . I’d really better get
back to the hotel, you know, have a nap . . . glam myself up for the flight.
I’ve gotta run! (As she leaves.) I’ll see you on the flight!

(She runs off. PAUL is angry with himself.)

PAUL Just kiss her, Paul! Christ. It’s not that difficult. (Beat.) Is it . . . ??

(We go into . . . )

SCENE ELEVEN

Music No. 8: SALSA

JULIA sashays JIM into a salsa bar.

JIM What is this?

JULIA Cuba Libra. The best salsa club in the whole of New York!

JIM I wanted to go to the pub.

JULIA We start with cocktails . . . and then, we hit the dance floor. . .

JIM Look love, I’m a pilot.

JULIA Well I’m a stewardess . . . but together we’ll be Rogers and Astaire!

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JIM Yeah and I bet we’ll be Torvill and Dean an’ all.

JULIA Who?

JIM You wouldn’t know . . .

JULIA Come on Jim, let’s not be hasty

Come and have a bite of me I’m really tasty
When the dance floor is burning the rules don’t exist
So come on, how can you resist?

Don’t hold back, just move un poquito

Get a flavour of life in Puerto Rico
Feel that rush go straight to your head
Which baby might be an advantage in bed . . .

JIM (Can’t believe what she’s coming out with!) Oh my God . . .

JULIA This is a salsa club

So turn up the heat
You gotta set alight
The beat that’s in your feet
You gotta get in the game
You gotta let yourself go
So come on Jim
Shake that ass really low

JIM I don’t dance.

JULIA Oh, don’t you?

JIM No.

JULIA Well we’ll see about that, won’t we??

Okay, you go . . .

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Forward, tap, back. Back, tap, forward.

Again . . .
Forward, tap, back. Back, tap, forward.
(Barks.) You go.

(They do it together, slowly.)

JIM Forward, tap, back. Back, tap, forward.

JULIA You’re good.

JIM Forward, tap, back. Back, tap, forward.

JULIA You’ve done this before, haven’t you?

JIM (Smug.) No.

JULIA Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, seis.

When you dance let music take you

Step on my toes and I will castrate you
The Latino rhythm makes you want to ignite
Have a drink, be up all night

Step right out

Come back to the middle
Always keep
Those steps really little
It’s not about the way that you dance
It’s simply the route to get into my pants

This is a salsa club

So turn up the heat
You gotta set alight
The beat that’s in your feet
You gotta get in the game
You gotta let yourself go

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So come on Jim
Swing those hips really low

When I was just a little girl my Mother took me dancing

She told me it’s the perfect way to get men romancing
The temperature starts rising when your feet hit the floor
So come on Jim, or I’ll show you the door

(Dance break.)

So dance!

(As she’s dancing, she comes out with various phrases:) Come on! Baila
conmigo! Shake it. Shake that ass! Mi chico guapo, you’re doing it! You’re
dancing!

I think you’ve got it

Now you get me!

(End of song.)

(JIM is out of breath, breathing healthily. JULIA on the other hand, seems fine! )

JULIA You’re so unfit!

JIM (Gasping.) Fuck off.

JULIA You still think dancing is for girls?

JIM Yes.

JULIA Well clearly you are wrong. Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad.

JIM I know. (Huge gasps of air.)

JULIA You are unfit. Honestly, you pilots, you swan around, you think you’re so
fit and so tough . . .

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(JIM suddenly takes a choking breath of air.)

JULIA Jim, oh my god, Jim, are you okay?

(He keels halfway over.)

JULIA Shit, Jim . . . baby, are you okay?

JIM I can’t breathe.

JULIA (Panicked.) Shit, damnit, this is all my fault. Hey, you bastard, if you die,
they’ll blame me. They’ll say ‘why the hell did she take him dancing, the
fat bastard clearly couldn’t dance’. Oh my god . . . Jim?

(Is JIM okay? For a moment we’re not sure. Then he gets up and starts
laughing.)

JULIA You bastard, you bastard!

JIM Oh come on . . .

JULIA I could kill you.

JIM (Spanish voice.) ‘Why did she take him dancing?’

JULIA It’s not funny.

JIM Pilots are in peak physical condition, we’re not that bad . . .

JULIA Right, we’re leaving.

JIM That’s right, go back to Spain.

JULIA (Screamed.) It’s Puerto fucking Rico!

(She storms out.)

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Music No. 8a: SCENE CHANGE

SCENE TWELVE

The crew departure area in the airport. NICOLA and RYAN enter. NICOLA is showing
RYAN an Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt.

RYAN God, these are really nice.

NICOLA Yeah? David’ll really love them. And look, I got him a little key ring saying
‘You Rock My World’ . . . and look . . . it’s a little electric guitar! ‘You Rock
My World’, d’you geddit?

RYAN (Beat.) Yes.

NICOLA . . . And then, oh, look, this is to die for, a tiny little photograph of me in a
photo booth holding up a photo of me and him on holiday in Majorca . . .
and look, I’m pulling a little sad face as if I wished he was there.

RYAN (Flat, unimpressed.) ‘Wish You Were Here, NYC 2010’. Get a room.

NICOLA I wish we could! Ah it’s stupid really, I ought to get a job on the ground. I
don’t think jet lag’s much of a turn-on, you know?

RYAN Well quit then. If you left you could be with him.

NICOLA You sound like him, he’s been begging me to leave for months now.

RYAN Then do it! Life’s too short!

(HAYLEY runs in.)

HAYLEY (Quickly.) Sorry I’m late, sorry I’m late . . . am I late? Oh, thank God, I’m
not late! I thought the flight had gone. What would I have done then? I’d
have been stuck in New York!

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RYAN You’ve got cheese on your chin.

(MELANIE comes in.)

MELANIE Yo guys! Wassup?

RYAN What?

MELANIE How’s it . . . hanging?

NICOLA Erm, yeah, it’s . . . fine, thanks.

MELANIE Sorry Nicola, I just love all these American-isms . . . ‘Have a nice day’,
‘would you like a cookie?’ . . . wait, wait, wait . . . ‘Are you wearing pants?’
(Giggles.)

RYAN (Beat.) No.

NICOLA Right, well . . . I actually just wanna take a quick look at your uniforms if
that’s alright . . . (She goes along examining their uniforms.)

(RICHARD enters with a copy of Cosmopolitan.)

RICHARD (To RYAN.) You left this in the room.

RYAN Richard, that is not my copy. I did not go out and buy Cosmo. I stole it
from the plane.

(RYAN snatches it from him.)

As if I would want to read this . . .

(The magazine falls open at the naked centrefold.)

Wow, hel-lo!

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NICOLA (Playfully.) Right, come on guys, line up.

(They do. She goes along, inspecting them.)

RICHARD Hayley, how was your date with X?

HAYLEY Oh, I don’t want to talk about it.

RYAN (Dirty.) I bet you don’t . . .

HAYLEY No, I mean I really don’t want to talk about it, he was a real love rat.
Almost as bad as you, Ryan.

RYAN What can I say?

HAYLEY Well all I can say is Nicki you should be thankful that you’ve got a
boyfriend.

NICOLA (Sarcastically.) Yes, because once you get a boyfriend, all your troubles fly
away.

HAYLEY (Not reading her sarcasm.) Exactly.

(JULIA strolls in with big sunglasses on.)

JULIA (Slurring.) Ohhhhh, is it time to go already?

NICOLA Yes. Come on, you’re late.

JULIA Oh no . . . Nicki, don’t inspect me now I look like my face has fallen off,
been run over and stuck back on.

RYAN Honey, I’m sorry, but you always look like that?

NICOLA Okay, Julia, you’re up in First Class for today’s flight.

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RYAN What? What about me?

NICOLA Sorry babe. It came from higher up.

RYAN From who?

NICOLA I don’t know, I’m just doing what I’m told . . .

JULIA I can’t be in first class . . . I look terrible.

RYAN Well you’ll fit in with the passengers, then, won’t you?

NICOLA Who smells of fish?

(They look around, wondering, but no-one owns up, until . . . )

RYAN Alright fine, I slept with a fishmonger. (On their look.) What? Somebody
has to.

Music No. 9: WELCOME ABOARD (Reprise)

[If the show has no interval, omit this number and go straight to No. 10b.]

(We hear the familiar ‘ding, dong, ding’ signalling announcements. The crew
straighten up.)

NICOLA Right guys. You all know the drill. Flight time today’s the usual 6 hours . . .

ALL 45 minutes.

NICOLA Hey, I don’t need to tell you guys twice . . .

HAYLEY Passengers for London Heathrow please make your way towards gate 40

(The pilots enter for another flight.)

PAUL Another trip

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JIM Stuck with this git

MELANIE Flight’s on time, don’t delay, everyone will get on board

JULIA Those snobs in First Class, they ought to be shot

RICHARD Please remember passports should be open for inspection

JIM / PAUL Get ready to go

HAYLEY Oh no, has anyone seen my passport . . . ?

ALL Open the doors, soon we’ll be gone

Are you ready to start letting them on
For our flight . . .

(But wait! There’s a delay . . . )

(NICOLA cuts off the music.)

NICOLA Sorry guys, sorry, sorry . . . We’ve actually got a slight delay.

RYAN What, well how long?

NICOLA It’s only twenty minutes . . .

HAYLEY Well what are we supposed to do in twenty minutes?

NICOLA I don’t know . . . Get a drink, go to the toilet . . .

HAYLEY Maybe get an ice cream.

RICHARD Or check your phone for messages.

NICOLA (Specifically to the audience.) Remembering, of course, to turn them off

when you board the return flight . . .

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JULIA (Seductively.) Hey Jim, what can we do in twenty minutes . . . ?

(Ding!)

ALL We’ll take off soon . . . !

(End of song.)

End of Act One*

* If the show is performed without an interval, see the note on page iii.

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ACT TWO

SCENE THIRTEEN

On board the flight. Everyone is onstage. NICOLA is making announcements.

Music No. 10a: CABIN FEVER (Interval Version)

NICOLA Ladies and gentleman my name is Nicola and on behalf of the rest of the
cabin crew, I’d like to welcome you onboard tonight’s night flight from
John F Kennedy Airport, New York to London Heathrow. We do hope
you had a nice time in New York, but in the meantime sit back, relax and
get some sleep.

ALL BUT
NICOLA (Offstage.) You want to go to bed

We’ll now be dimming the cabin lights and ask that all passengers keep
personal noise to a minimum.

ALL BUT
NICOLA And rest your head

NICOLA But not to worry, we’ll be waking you up for breakfast, which this morning
will be a full Continental.

MELANIE But I don’t understand. If everyone’s asleep . . . isn’t our job a bit
redundant?

HAYLEY Well, what are you going to do, love? Pop out to the shops?

JULIA The engine hums

A propeller whirls
Floating through the sky
As the night unfurls

RICHARD People sound asleep

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There’s a silent calm

But you’ve got this . . .

+ ALL Urge inside

RICHARD . . . you just can’t ignore

HAYLEY When the lights are low

But you’re still awake

RYAN You’ve got itchy feet

Need to take a break

MELANIE Can you stand the heat?

When the feeling’s growing and . . .

+ ALL . . . growing it never ends

But there’s no place to go

Nowhere to move or hide
You feel the pressure grow
You’re all cooped up inside

RICHARD It’s like you want to roam

JIM But you’re . . .

+ RYAN . . . stuck up in the sky

HAYLEY And so you think of home

JULIA But you’re a mile high

ALL You’re getting . . .

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Cabin fever PAUL: There’s something in the air

Cabin fever JIM: And it’s more than you can bear
Cabin fever

JULIA You got a case of cabin fever

NICOLA Look guys, I don’t mind you making noise, but you’ve got to do it quietly.

RYAN Making noise quietly, Nicola? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

RICHARD Who are you calling moron?

RYAN You, moron.

NICOLA Ten years in the job

Going nowhere, standing still
Yet flying round the world and back’s
A job that’s lost its thrill
Cos I’ve lost my direction
The spark has lost its zing
Can you stay like this forever?
Is it time to throw it in?
The doors are closed
The pressure’s high
Though it’s cold outside
In here we fry

ALL Cos there’s no space to breathe

It’s like you’re frozen still
Though you might want to leave
You just can’t find the will . . .

You’re getting . . .

Cabin fever RYAN: Ride it out and let it go

Cabin fever HAYLEY: Fix a smile, don’t let it show
Cabin fever
You got a case of cabin fever

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But we’re your in-flight entertainment

So join our mile high club

RYAN See who pops in the loo with a friend

MELANIE Maybe two!

RYAN When they think no one else can see

NICOLA I do!

RYAN She’s your sister

HAYLEY Oh sure

JULIA /
MELANIE We’ve heard that one before

RICHARD /
RYAN You just couldn’t resist one more late night screw

ALL Are you dying inside, got a secret to hide

If you don’t open up then we’ll break on through

MELANIE The wing’s coming off! The door’s not shut! We’re all gonna die!

RYAN (Beat.) What a freak . . .

ALL Cabin fever NICOLA: Someone let me off this plane

Cabin fever Cos it’s driving me insane
Cabin fever
Cabin fever
Cabin fever

HAYLEY Ah look, they’re waking up. Bless their little cotton socks.

MELANIE Is it time to turn the lights on?

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ALL Cabin fever

Cabin fever
Cabin fever

NICOLA Here we go again . . .

(They all sigh.)

(End of song.)

SCENE FOURTEEN

First Class.

Music No. 10c: TEA AND COFFEE UNDERSCORE

JULIA enters, sulky and unamused – she hates the people in first class. But ever the
professional, she pulls herself together with a huge fake smile.

JULIA (Overenthusiastically.) We have Earl Grey Tea, Lady Grey Tea, Chai Tea,
Camomile Tea, Green Tea, Assam Tea, Breakfast Tea, Darjeeling Tea,
Orange Tea, Mint Tea and Traditional Afternoon Tea!

(Music stops.)

(Snaps.) You want coffee.

(Takes a deep sigh and carries on.) Okay so we have . . .

(Music resumes. She exits.)

(RYAN is bitter he’s been downgraded to economy serving with MELANIE.)

MELANIE (Enthusiastically.) Tea?

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RYAN Coffee?

MELANIE Tea?

RYAN Coffee?

MELANIE Tea?

RYAN It’s just normal coffee.

MELANIE Tea?

RYAN You know, normal coffee. What else do you want? Moroccan home-
roasted?

MELANIE Ryan, do we have decaf?

RYAN Melanie, is there such a thing as non-alcoholic vodka?

MELANIE Erm . . . no?

RYAN No, so we do not have decaf. What. Would. Be. The. Point?

MELANIE O-kay . . . so . . . tea?

RYAN Coffee?

MELANIE Tea?

RYAN Coffee?

(They exit.)

(Enter HAYLEY and RICHARD selling duty free.)

HAYLEY And the whole time he just kept on – (To passengers.) Duty free? No?

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RICHARD Duty free? No?

HAYLEY He just kept on trying to grab my leg under the table. It was disgusting.
(To passengers.) Any duty free for anyone along here?

RICHARD Any duty free for anyone along here?

HAYLEY So I thought, well I’m not having this. (To passengers.) It’s thirty-three
pounds. (To RICHARD.) So I left.

RICHARD Without finishing your pizza?

HAYLEY Who do you think I am? Of course I finished my pizza! (As they go off.)
Any duty free from the cart?

(She exits.)

(RYAN enters with a sick bag, and various bits of rubbish.)

RYAN Honestly, you walk down the aisles and people hand you all sorts of shit.
Do I look like a bin man to you?

RICHARD How’s things in first class?

RYAN Very funny.

RICHARD Why did you get thrown off?

RYAN Let’s just say that some people think that “service” extends to service-ing. I
mean, just because they’ve got fold down beds, it doesn’t give them the
right to touch my balls.

RICHARD That’s not like you.

RYAN I know, even I have limits, who’d have thought?

(HAYLEY enters.)

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HAYLEY Richard . . . I have just met the man of your dreams. 26D. He’s got dark
Italian eyes and a beautiful body and he’s funny and he’s clever and /

RICHARD (Smug, handing her a business card.) / he’s just given me his number.

RYAN What? (He snatches the card.)

HAYLEY Wow!

RYAN Marco Mancini? (Mispronouncing the ‘c’.)

RICHARD Man-chini. Check him out . . .

HAYLEY (Suddenly.) Oh my God, Richard . . . Let me be the bridesmaid!

RICHARD We’re only going on a date . . .

HAYLEY Alright, don’t rub it in, Casanova.

(NICOLA enters.)

NICOLA Hayley, can you give me a hand, please? Someone’s been sick . . .

HAYLEY Oh, lovely. I’d love to clean that up . . .

(NICOLA and HAYLEY exit.)

RYAN Wow, you must be so excited, your first chat-up. I guess I’m just used to it
now, men are always falling over me.

RICHARD Are sure that’s not just turbulence?

RYAN Well, you know what, Richard, turbulence is great, There’s nothing I love
more than getting tossed up and down on a regular basis.

Music No. 11: IF I COULD FIND A BOY (Reprise)

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RICHARD Well Ryan, when me and Marco Mancini are sunning ourselves at our
retreat in the Tuscan mountains . . . watching our children run around the
meadow, you won’t be laughing then.

RYAN I know, I’ll be vomiting into a sick bag.

RICHARD You’re just jealous.

RYAN (As RICHARD goes.) Yeah . . . (Long pause.) of your Mum . . .

(RICHARD exits.)

If I could paint a picture

Of the man I’d like to meet
Well he’d be drunk . . . (Beat.) but tall and attractive
With brown hair, bright white teeth
He might one day learn to like me
Maybe even fall in love
So when I think things through
Richard, I want a boy like . . .

Oh shit.

You

(RICHARD enters. RYAN looks at him, almost lovingly.)

RICHARD What?

RYAN (A pause, where he may say something sentimental, but buckles.) Purple just
isn’t your colour.

(End of song.)

(NICOLA and HAYLEY enter. HAYLEY has a bag of sick.)

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NICOLA Listen, can we stop the gossiping please, we’ve got some real shits on board
today, it’s all hands on deck.

HAYLEY And so many children!

NICOLA Exactly so come on guys, work with me.

RYAN Aye aye, captain.

HAYLEY I feel like a real Mary Poppins looking after all those kids! (Sings.) Just a
spoonful of Hayley helps the medicine go down!

NICOLA Hayley, now’s really not the time.

(JULIA enters.)

JULIA (Partly angry.) Wow, what are we all on a break down here? I know this is
economy, but seriously . . . no service at all?

HAYLEY Well you know what, Nicola, I bet if David was here and he made a joke
like that you’d find it funny then . . .

NICOLA Look, can everyone just stop going on about David? He’s my boyfriend
alright, he’s not my fucking husband.

JULIA Whoah whoah whoah . . . what is going on down here?

(Stony silence.)

NICOLA Look, just . . . everyone do your job. Stop standing round gossiping. And
Richard? Flirting with passengers is not what you’re paid for; I’m well
within my rights to report it.

(She exits. Everyone is silent.)

JULIA Uh-oh . . .

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RYAN (In a sing-song voice.) Time of the mo-nth . . .

(MELANIE enters, unaware.)

MELANIE Oh wow! This looks exciting . . . what’s going on?? Is it somebody’s

birthday??

JULIA What is wrong with her?

MELANIE Oh no . . . it’s not, is it? Did somebody die??

HAYLEY I’d think I’d better go after her . . .

JULIA Well it’s not like she can go anywhere . . .

(They disperse.)

MELANIE Oh God, they have, haven’t they? That guy in Row J did look a bit peaky.

(She runs off after them.)

(NICOLA, in another section of the plane:)

Music No. 12: GOING HOME

NICOLA Ladies and Gentleman our featured product on board today’s flight is
Intimately Beckham. (Reading from a script.) “A magnetic and captivating
scent with a sensuous mix of woody, oriental notes. Victoria Beckham
combines her down to earth personality with an aura of sophistication and
pure elegance with Intimately Beckham Night For Her.”

What’s the point? When I’m smiling nobody sees me

When I speak it’s as if nobody can hear
No-one understands
When I make demands
It’s my job, but somehow I don’t care

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Everyday I leave for work so defeated

On the way, he’s the only thought in my head
So I must decide
If to sit and hide
Or go back
Cos I can’t give anymore
Can’t keep trying
Can’t keep flying
No more crying
I am going home

(HAYLEY enters.)

HAYLEY Nicola, I’m really really, really, really sorry . . .

NICOLA Don’t worry, it’s okay . . .

HAYLEY If I’d’ve known it was such an issue, I’d have never have brought it up . . .

NICOLA Hayley, it’s alright. You lot are right, if David’s who I want, then what am
I doing here?

HAYLEY It’s your job . . .

NICOLA No. (Slowly realising.) Not anymore . . .

Say goodbye
When I leave here, please don’t forget me

HAYLEY Oh Nicki, please don’t go away

NICOLA Something’s changed

I don’t have that flair anymore

HAYLEY And we will miss you

BOTH Even if we part

You’ll stay in my heart

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Wish me well
The time has come to move on
But remember

NICOLA Please remember

All we’ve been through

HAYLEY What we’ve lived through

NICOLA I won’t lose you

HAYLEY Even if you think you’re on your own

You won’t be alone

NICOLA I am . . .

BOTH . . . going home

(End of song.)

Music No. 12a: SCENE CHANGE

(As the scene changes, RYAN enters with a coffee jug.)

RYAN Any more refills before we land? Any more refills anyone? Yes? Oh . . .
(Not sorry at all.) Sorry I’ve run out . . .

(He exits.)

SCENE FOURTEEN

The cock-pit. JULIA enters.

JULIA Knock knock. Er . . . Jim.

JIM Yes?

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JULIA There is a . . . erm. (Cough.) Problem with the . . . er, the . . . engine?

PAUL (Horrified.) A problem with the engine?

JULIA Yes . . . Something very mechnical on the flight deck.

PAUL (Petrified!) On the flight deck?

JULIA (Shouting, angry.) Yes, Paul, on the fucking flight deck. (Returning to being
very casual.) Anyway, I really think that you should come and take a look,
Jim. The noise is coming from the . . . toilet . . .

(They’re confused but then understand what she’s insinuating.)

JIM Ohh . . .

PAUL (Getting it too, relieved.) Ohhh . . .

JULIA (Getting angry.) Hey, what? There can be a problem in the toilet . . .

JIM Well I think I’d better go and attend to this, er, ‘problem’ in the toilet . . .
(Barks.) Paul. You’re in charge.

PAUL (Excited.) Really?

JIM For five minutes.

(JULIA nudges him.)

JIM It’s a toilet . . . what are you expecting? An hour? (To PAUL.) Look, I’ll see
you when I get back.

(They leave. PAUL waits a second, looks around and then moves into JIM’S
pilot seat. He is ecstatic – finally, the captain! He takes a moment to enjoy the
power.)

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(MELANIE slips in unnoticed, watching him.)

PAUL (Faking an announcement.) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain

speaking. Your captain speaking. (Trying too cool, deep voiced.) From the
deck it’s Captain Paul . . .

MELANIE You’re not the captain!

PAUL (He jumps, throws hat off.) What! No! I’m the co-pilot . . . Paul.

MELANIE I thought you were First Officer.

PAUL Well yeah I am but . . . you know how these things are . . .

MELANIE Oh Paul, you’ll make pilot soon.

PAUL Really? I hope so.

Music No. 12b: UNDERSCORE

MELANIE You know, I’ve really enjoyed these past two days.

PAUL Me too. It’s been like playing doctors and nurses.

(Underscore ends abruptly.)

MELANIE What??

PAUL (Not knowing what to say, copies.) What?? I meant like . . . cabin crew and
pilot.

MELANIE Co-pilot.

PAUL Yes, I know . . .

MELANIE Not quite got the same ring to it, has it?

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PAUL No.

MELANIE But it will do, one day. Anyway. I just wanted to say I think you’re really
really sweet and I had such a fun time in New York, and well, if I didn’t
have a boyfriend, who knows . . .

PAUL A boyfriend?

MELANIE Yeah . . . I mentioned him in New York, right? Binky? My boyfriend?

PAUL I thought Binky was a cat.

MELANIE No, he’s my boyfriend . . .

PAUL (He completely didn’t know, so tries desperately to laugh it off.) Yeah!
Course! Your boyfriend! Of course I knew . . . God, how . . . obvious was
that?

(Awkward moment.)

MELANIE Well anyway. I just thought I’d see if you wanted anything to drink?

PAUL Oh right, cos . . . that’s what you’re here for.

MELANIE Kind of . . .

PAUL No. Thank you. But . . . no.

MELANIE Well. I’ll see you again sometime. Perhaps we’ll get stuck on another flight
together?

PAUL Ha. (Really crushed.) Let’s . . . hope . . . so . . .

(She leaves.)

(He is deflated.)

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Music No. 13: DANCE WITH ME (Reprise)

PAUL Won’t someone . . .

Dance with me
Hold my hand
And I’ll take you there
Dance with me
Someone must want to dance . . .
Please (dance with me)

(The music is cut off suddenly by JULIA and JIM entering, shouting at each
other angrily.)

JULIA (Whining loudly.) Owww . . .

JIM It’s only fucking turbulence.

JULIA My head is fucking painful.

JIM If you’d have held on like I told you to . . .

JULIA Shut up, shut up, shut up . . .

JIM You. Lover boy. Out of here.

(PAUL goes, scared of JIM.)

JIM Now look. (She is still whining loudly, so he cuts her off.) Will you shut up??
(She stops.) Right, now you might be Puerto Rican and I might be the best
bloody pilot this planet’s ever seen but that doesn’t mean I can’t stoop
down to your level and give you this.

(He goes down on one knee and offers her a ring box.)

JULIA (Suddenly touched.) Oh my God . . . Jim . . .

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(She takes it and opens it.)

JULIA A . . . (Pause.) keyring.

JIM I thought you might need it.

JULIA A keyring. Right. Yes. It’s the new fashion, right?

(She slips it on her finger.)

JIM Not for your finger, you bint. For a key.

JULIA What key?

JIM This key.

(He gives her a house key.)

JULIA Oh my God. No-one has ever given me a keyring with a key on it before.

JIM It’s the key to my house.

JULIA And the key to your heart . . .

JIM Oh, fuck that.

(She kisses him.)

(They run off, all over each other, JULIA squealing in delight.)

Music No. 13a: SCENE CHANGE

(As the set changes . . . )

PAUL (Shouted, off.) Er . . . Jim, who’s flying the plane??

(We segue into . . . )

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SCENE FIFTEEN

HAYLEY has been listening outside the cockpit door.

HAYLEY Ahhh! (Sing-song voice.) He loves her! He wants to kiss her! He wants to
have her babies! (She falters.) Who’s going to have my babies? No-one
wants my babies. I’m so alone.

Music No. 14: A SIMPLE VALLEY SONG

This is just so bloody typical. Everyone else is happy and in love and I’m
stuck here by myself . . . again . . .

When I was a girl I remember a tree

That cast its shade o’er the valley
T’was under that tree, saw my lover to be
And I think his name . . . it was Barry

We were seven years old but he said he was eight

Hand in hand we’d play games in the valley
He told me he loved me, he kissed me goodbye
I really believed that we’d marry

Oh Barry
With curly blond hair
A big cheeky smile
And a face like a bear
Oh Barry
When you moved away
I’d found someone else by the end of the day

I remember the time when I turned sweet sixteen

Picking daisies down in the valley
I wandered astray, found a barn filled with hay
And a dirty young farmer named . . . Gary.

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He was randy and fast and I thought ‘yes, at last!’

And I shouted, ‘Oh Gary, I’m gagging!’
So drunken were we, that I just didn’t see
He came before we started shagging

Oh Gary
Just think what you missed
Your manhood was huge
But you were just too pissed
Oh Gary
You passed out so quick
I woke up instead in a puddle of sick

But if you think it gets better from here, well, you’re wrong.

At the age of eighteen I’d got over the dream

That I’d find someone nice in the valley
So I started to yearn . . . a surprising new turn . . .
For a rough dyke from Cardiff named Sally

And at first, it was odd, it was strange, but not bad

Very soon we had made a connection
But I had to admit, that it just didn’t fit
If I’m honest I missed an erection

I was looking for love when I reached twenty-one

So I searched far and wide ‘cross the valley
T’was deep in the moss, that I stumbled across
A strapping young lad name of . . . Danny

He was brave, he was smart, and so dear to my heart

As for Sally, well I hardly missed her
I thought I had found a love so profound
Then I caught him banging my sister

Oh Danny
You messed me about

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You screwed other girls

Left me right up the spout
Oh Danny Boy
I gave you my heart
You thought nothing of that when you tore it apart

So when I look back and consider the facts

From my earlier days in the valley
I hope and I pray I find someone one day
That doesn’t remind me of Barry, or Gary, or Danny, or Sally . . .

What was I thinking?!

Oh valley
If you only knew
Your bushes are trimmed
Your weeds are all plucked
I’ve searched far and wide but my love life’s still fucked
I’ll fly round the world: Australia, Japan
And I’ll never stop ’til I find the right man
So brace yourself boys
Cos Hayley’s in town!

(End of song.)

(RYAN enters.)

RYAN What’s got your goat?

HAYLEY Oh, it’s just love all round. Richard and Marco, Melanie and Paul, Julia
and Jim. They’re all going to be so happy. I want a boyfriend.

(RICHARD has entered.)

RICHARD Me too.

RYAN Me too.

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RICHARD What?!

HAYLEY You? A boyfriend? You just want someone you can play hide the sausage
with.

RYAN You never know. I might surprise you all yet . . .

HAYLEY Yeah right.

(They sit for landing. NICOLA enters.)

NICOLA Okay guys, sit back and re-lax.

HAYLEY Oh Nicki, I wish you weren’t leaving. You’re my favourite. Why can’t
Ryan leave instead?

NICOLA I’m not sure my boyfriend would like to live with Ryan.

RICHARD I’m not sure anyone would.

HAYLEY What are you going to do when marital bliss gets boring?

NICOLA I’m not sure, really.

HAYLEY Ooh, you’re going to be able to watch so much daytime telly! You’ll see
Jeremy Kyle every morning.

NICOLA I was hoping do something a little more productive with my time.

RYAN Cash in the Attic?

RICHARD 60 Minute Makeover?

NICOLA No, something other than TV . . .

ALL Oh. (They can’t think of anything.)

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HAYLEY Well I’m sure you’ll think of something . . .

NICOLA Well actually I’d quite like to have babies.

(RYAN mock-heaves.)

HAYLEY /
RICHARD Ahh . . .

NICOLA Piles and piles of babies.

HAYLEY (Dirty.) I bet you would. Well, listen Nicola, you leave the casual sex to the
rest of us lot, we’ll have all the fun that you can’t when you’re an old maid
tied down to your husband. I mean, I suppose it makes sense for you to
leave, being that you’re so much older than us. I mean we’ve still the rest of
our lives ahead of us really, haven’t we?

NICOLA (Beat, gritted teeth.) Thanks Hayley. Such a friend . . .

HAYLEY (Again, not noticing the tone.) You are welcome!

(MELANIE enters and takes a seat.)

JIM (Off, dirty, sexy, happy.) Cabin crew seats for landing.

HAYLEY Ooooh . . . Here she comes . . .

MELANIE Hi everyone. Hi. I just want to say thanks to everyone for making me feel
so welcome here.

RYAN Yeah. Some of us more than others . . . Not mentioning any names . . .
(Coughs.) Paul.

MELANIE You know, there’s nothing going on with me and Paul. I have a boyfriend
on the ground, I don’t know why anyone thought I didn’t.

(They take this news in.)

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HAYLEY Well that’s a bloody depressing ending, isn’t it?

RYAN What did she say?

HAYLEY She says she’s got a boyfriend.

RYAN A boyfriend? (What a slag . . . )

MELANIE Erm, I can still hear you.

(JULIA enters, readjusting. Everyone claps and ‘ahs’.)

JULIA What? What?

HAYLEY You’re in love!

JULIA (Fiery.) Shut up. Love? Get out. Shut up. Love? With him? Hah! As if!

HAYLEY You could learn a bit about that, Mel . . .

MELANIE I am in love!

RYAN Whatever.

HAYLEY Slag.

Music No. 15: FINALE

NICOLA Ladies and gentlemen . . . (Coughs.) Ahem . . .

Thank you for choosing to fly with us today

PAUL Local time is 10:06am. Good morning London.

NICOLA We hope that your baggage arrives without delay

JIM Fat chance.

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NICOLA Please declare all duty on your goods as you go through customs

JIM But nobody will

NICOLA Right. Thank God it’s almost over . . . I’m not gonna miss all these
announcements, I can tell you . . .

MELANIE Is anyone else’s ears going really funny?

ALL No.

When you’re on a jet up high

That’s flying through the sky
Our clients never cry
Or cause a fuss

Cos in the skies you know

It’s always jet set go
So come get with the flow
And land with us

As we fly away, fly away, fly away

Moving through time zones that lie below
And you’ll get away, get away, get away
Somewhere amazing, you never know

(The plane lands.)

We’ve finally landed

Finally landed
Back here in Heathrow
I feel so at home

HAYLEY It’s raining as usual

PAUL The train fare’s outrageous

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JIM The country’s in turmoil

MELANIE But then what d’you expect?

ALL Cos we’re back in London

Terminal Five . . .

Ugh!

RICHARD I’m going to see my Mum again

HAYLEY I’ll maybe meet an Irishman

JULIA I’m moving in with Jim next week

JIM I’d better work on my technique

PAUL I’m off to drown my sorrows now

MELANIE I bet he thinks I’m such a cow

NICOLA I’m going home

RYAN And I’m alone!

ALL And even though we’re parting ways

We’ll fly together soon!

JIM I bloody hope not . . .

ALL (A cappella.) When you’re on a jet up high

That’s flying through the sky
Our clients never cry
Or cause a fuss

(Above this, HAYLEY ad libs diva-style! RICHARD joins in too.)

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Cos in the skies you know

It’s always jet set go
So come get with the flow
Take off with us

As we fly away, fly away, fly away

Moving through time zones that lie below
And you’ll get away, get away, get away

GIRLS Somewhere exotic

BOYS Somewhere erotic

GIRLS Somewhere that’s hot

BOYS Somewhere that’s not

GIRLS Somewhere with snow

ALL Where shall we go?

(The music stops. On opposite sides of the stage, HAYLEY and PAUL ponder
their romantic futures.)

HAYLEY Where am I gonna find a man?

PAUL Where am I gonna find a girl?

(They suddenly look at each other. Ting!)

ALL You never know . . .

(With this new romantic idea lingering . . . The cabin crew’s shift is over.)

The End.

Music No. 16: BOWS

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