I.

Life Skills (16 hours)

provide Case for components

OBJECTIVES At the end of this chapter, students will be able to:

 Define the concept of life skills

 Mention purposes of life Skills
 List major components of life skills
 Identify personal values and compare it with society
 Describe how personal values affect behavior
 Exhibit assertiveness and other coping life skills
 Display effective communication
 Develop positive and vision-oriented behavior
 Identify challenges, dangers and harmful practices and employ skills to overcome them

Activity 31

1. Define life skills.

2. Why do we need to develop life skills?

1.1. Concepts of Life Skills

The WHO defines life skills as abilities for adaptive and positive behavior that enable individuals
to deal effectively with the demands and challenges of everyday life. In particular, life skills are
psychological competences and interpersonal skills that help people make informed decisions,
solve problems, think critically and creatively, communicate effectively, build healthy
relationships, empathize with others, and cope with managing their lives in a healthy and
productive manner. Life skills may be directed toward personal actions that alter the
surrounding environment to make it conducive to health.

Success in education is very much influenced by attributes beyond intellectual competence.

Emotional and social competencies play important roles as well.

Life skills allow us to know our values, thoughts and emotions and interact with, perceive
influence and relate to others accordingly. Life skills include: our ability to appropriately
experience, display and perceive emotional states and relates these to the events and
environments where they occur. Life skills also include relationship and communication skills,
negotiation and conflict management skills that enable us to interact appropriately with other
individuals and function within society in a meaningful way.
1.2. Significance of Life Skills to Deal with HIV/AIDS and Other SRH
Problems
Students who enroll in higher educational institutions have struggles with determining a positive
direction in life, and deal with potential unwanted pregnancies, issues of drugs and alcohol,
HIV/AIDS/STIs, peer pressure, ill or dying parents, less likely to use library and internet and
many such issues. Therefore, developing coping skills becomes critical in order to achieve goals
and develop healthy, positive lifestyles. This module is designed to sufficiently equip
undergraduates with life skills that would enable them manage the challenges of life caused by
various factors.

Success in education is very much influenced by attributes beyond intellectual competence.

Emotional and social competencies play important roles as well. The university, being a new
environment is a stressor on its own. Lack of knowledge of the surroundings, fear of the
unknown, meeting new people will compound the fears of the new comer.

Students will develop skills in relation to communication, decision making, assertiveness, self-
esteem building, resisting peer pressure, relationships, stress coping mechanisms, and GBV,
HIV/AIDS/STIs so that they can realize their full potential and achieve their goals.

1.3. Major Components of Life Skill

Activity 32

1. What does self-awareness mean?

2. HOW DO YOU develop self-awareness?
3. List Major components of life skill
4. How do you assess your own strengths and weaknesses

1.3.1. Knowing and Living with Self

Knowing oneself is the ability to understand our strengths, weaknesses, values, outlook,
character, our needs, desires, aspirations and ourselves. Getting to know ourselves is perhaps the
most difficult thing to do. It takes courage to face the truth about ourselves, our appearance,
shortcomings, about things that we are good at and those we cannot accomplish. Knowing
oneself is the foundation for all the other life-skills we need to develop and essential to managing
stress and emotions. To cope with emotional changes, we need to be aware of our emotional
reactions and how they affect our behavior. Awareness provides us with choices on how to react,
rather than allowing them to govern our behavior, which may lead to unpleasant consequences.
Likewise, we have to be aware of how stress can affect our lives. We need to know what sort of

1
harmful effects it can have on our mental and physical health. To do so, we must discover the
sources of stress, before we can take action to mitigate its impact on us. In other words, we must
know who we are before learning to make right choices and take appropriate actions.

1.3.1.1. What is Self?

Activity 33 Activity4.1

Who am I?
Take a moment to begin to look at your own image. What are the most important parts of you? How
do you see yourself?
1) Write 10 sentences that start with the words, “I am…” Examples might be “I am an intelligent
young woman.” or “I am a good friend to others.” Know that this exercise will not be collected
but is for their personal use only.
2) Put a check mark next to the things you like about yourself and put a question mark next to the
things you want to change. In looking at your own lists, would you say that you have good self–
esteem, or that maybe you need to work on developing your self-image a bit more?

Self can be defined as an essential personality aspect that organizes one’s thoughts, feelings and
actions or having three components which are:
a. natural self-containing the genetic aptitudes, instincts, drives and potentialities,
b. the learned self which contains things one has learnt as a result of social
interactions and then
c. the choosing self contains choices.

1.3.1.2. Self-Awareness
Note:
Self-awareness is the overall understanding of a
person about his/her: physical, emotional, People with good self-awareness are acutely
cognitive images, strengths and weaknesses, aware of the impact their
relationships, likes and dislikes, values and interconnectedness has on others and the
potentials, attitudes, choices and inclinations. systems around them. They can change their
behavior according to a particular person or
1.3.1.2.1. Why Develop Self Awareness? situation. Others that have not developed a
good sense of self-awareness can easily
Knowing one-self is an important first step to transfer their likes, dislikes and preferences
living a healthy life style. As you develop self- onto others.
awareness you are able to make changes in the
thoughts and interpretations you make in your

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mind. Changing the interpretations in your mind allows you to change your emotions. Self-
awareness is one of the attributes of emotional intelligence and an important factor in achieving
success. Self-awareness is the first step in creating what you want and mastering yourself. Self-
awareness also helps to be in control of thoughts, emotions, relationships, behaviors and focus on
areas that you can make changes when desired.

1.3.1.2.2. Key Areas of Self-Awareness

Human beings are complex and diverse. To become more self-aware, we should develop an
understanding of ourselves in many areas. Key areas for self-awareness include our personality
traits, personal values, habits, emotions, and the psychological needs that drive our behaviors.

A) Personality

Neuropsychiatry and behavioral genetics are beginning to prove that the foundations of
personality are inherited – biologically determined. The inborn biological, genetic aspect of your
personality is called temperament – are you speedy or easygoing, your characteristics [moody?
cheerful, even tempered?], and your reaction to ranges [Does change throw you or are you
resilient?] are among the many features of your temperament or biological style with which you
emerged preprogrammed from the womb.

We do not normally change our personalities. However, an understanding of our personalities

can help us find situations in which we will thrive, and help us avoid situations in which we will
experience too much stress. For instance, if you are a highly introverted person, you are likely to
experience more stress in a sales position than a highly extroverted person would. So, if you are
highly introverted, you should either learn skills to cope with the demands of a sales position that
requires extravert-type behavior patterns, or you should find a position that is more compatible
with your personality. Awareness of your personality helps you analyze such a decision.

As with the number of physical traits, such as height, genes confer a range of personality
predispositions, environment and life experience – parents, family, life events, culture, peers –
then sculpt the final “you” from the possibilities. Adverse experience can alter the possibilities
for the worse. For example you may have grown taller were it not for poor nutrition or illness
during your childhood. By the same token, had your parents abused instead of appreciated you
and responded sufficiently to your needs, your powerful aggressiveness might have landed you
in jail instead of fueling your brilliant legal maneuvers in the courtroom.

Personality is like a deck cards. You are dealt a hand at conception, and life experiences
determine which genetic cards will be turned up and therefore what the nature of your normal
experience will be. Your personality style will be fairly set by the end of childhood, and you will

3
be playing the game of life in your distinctive ways for the remainder of your years. People, who
playing the game true to their personalities more times than not, do well into old age.

Your personality style is your way of being, of becoming, and of meeting life’s challenges. You
do grow and change throughout lifetime, but you do so in your consistent characteristic manner.
Most people’s styles have a built-in flexibility factor that allows them to deal with the hurdles
thrown in their path. They can adapt to change, which makes a variety of experience possible.
Other people, however, find themselves up against the same old walls. They are locked into
rigid, inflexible personality patterns – personality disorder- that cause them to have the same
troubled, bored, empty, lonely, or disruptive experiences repeatedly throughout their lives.

Some have more than a healthy share of the negative personality traits, continually sabotaging
his/her efforts, flunking out of colleges, jeopardizing marriages and jobs…. which becomes
personality disorders – long-term patterns of inflexible and maladaptive behaviors that are
manifested from adolescence. Certain personality disorders create vulnerability to specific
clinical symptoms syndromes. The acute conditions erupt under particular kinds of stress.

Many people with disordered personality patterns do not realize that there is anything amiss with
them. Others see it, though. Individuals with personality disorders are frequently in conflict
with family members, employers, colleagues, and subordinates. These problems are quite
difficult to resolve, because they do not recognize that it is their own repetitive patterns of
behavior that so greatly contribute to their troubles.

Your personality pattern operates in different domains such as

 Your sense of self: your sense of self, your self-esteem, your self-image – the way you
see, think and feel about yourself, your place in the universe, and your place in other
people’s estimation.
 Relationships: how important other people you to us and how you lead your live. Besides
being individuals, we are members of families, couples, friendships, school classes,
communities, business organizations and even crowds of strangers.
 Work: This encompasses your style of doing and through play, school, career,
housework, child care, chores and hobbies – you have been spending your day working at
something virtually all your life.
 Emotions: This includes your usual moods and emotional states, such as happiness,
sadness, sexual feelings, anger, irritability, fear, anxiety and sensitivity to praise and to
criticism
 Self-control: This is about your control of your impulsiveness - rules your level of
spontaneity and ability to act on impulse., your risk taking behavior, your ability to
forestall rewards and fulfillment, your planning skill, your self-discipline, your frustration
tolerance and your ability to stop and think before you act.

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  Real world: What is your reality? Your spirituality? Is your mind open to the existence of
spiritual forces? Do you accept conventional, shared realities, be they scientific, religious,
political or philosophic?

Activity 34

1) Though your personality is inborn, you are modified by your upbringing and life
circumstances.
2) Assess your personality in the six domains to know yourself.

B) Values

Values are strong beliefs about important issues in life. Values guide our behavior and give
purpose and direction to our life. Different individuals have different values. Different families
and different cultures have different values. Values are influenced by traditions, religion, mass
media, social and political situations. Values help people decide how to behave and interact with
others. Children learn values from their parents and other family members, community, religious
teachings, teachers and their peers. Parents want their children to develop values similar to theirs.
People who behave according to their values feel good about themselves. Values influence
decisions of an individual about sexual relationships, friends, money and work. Relationships are
stronger if the two individuals share similar values. Values are taught to children by giving
example.

Children may change their values later in life depending upon their education, personal
experience, social changes and scientific advances. Working women, inter-racial/tribal
marriages, limited family size, gender equality are some of the positive changes in the value
system. In many communities, young people are exposed to several sources of information and
values (e.g. from parents, teachers, media and
peers). These often present them with alternative Note:
or even conflicting values about gender, gender Your values should guide your behavior, so
equality and sexuality. they play an important role in the choices that
you make. Being clear about what your values
Sexual values expressed in sexual behaviors, are will help you to know what to do in
fidelity, virginity, dealing with sexual orientation, different situations. Sometimes we act in ways
marriage, divorce, multiple sexual partners, and that are not consistent with our values – this
so forth. Values are the things that are important can be due to peer pressure or because we
in the way that you live and work. It is important have adopted others’ values that are not truly
that we each know and focus on our personal our own

5
values. When we focus on our values, we are more likely to accomplish what we consider most
important.

Personal values are the things that are important in the way that you live and work. They are
the things that:

 Are important to you in life.

 You think are right and wrong. Hut
 You think are good and bad.
 You think are desirable or not.
 You think are worthwhile or not.
 You think are acceptable or not.

As we grow up, different people and institutions influence our values. These in turn influence
our behavior and the choices we make. Who or what has influenced your values may include
parents and families, religion, media, friends, teachers, traditional and religious leaders,
education, reading.

Value

Being a respected person Being wealthy

Being educated Being admired by peers
Owning a
Gettingmarried car
Makingmoney Attending religious
Having a good services
job Practicing your cultural traditions
Being a parent Participating in sports
Beinghealthy Working
HavingChildren hard
Being Supporting family
sexuallyactive Being
Being in a loving independent
relationship Achieving life
Beinghonest goals
Caring for
Having good friends others
Owning a house Volunteering in the
Practicing religion/spirituality community
Achieving in life

6
Activity 35
Think about the things you value most in life and list them. You may want to use one of the below
items to identity yours. The five most important things in life to me are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

7
Activity 36
Value Statements for Discussion

 Prepare three A4 size paper and write “I AGREE”, “I DISAGREE” and “UNDECIDED”.
 Then post it in three opposite part of the wall.
 Ask students to stand up and be in one side.
 As you read one statement, let them go and stand up in one of the posted paper that reflects what
they believe in.
 Ask students why they believe in what they believe in all the three categories.

Statements

1) It is okay to have a child before marriage or without being married.

2) You can earn a decent salary without finishing school.
3) It is okay to give pupils in your class private tuition.
4) Raising a child by yourself makes more sense than marrying the father of the child if you do not
love him.
5) Having a job you enjoy is more important than earning a lot of money.
6) People with HIV should not have sex without telling their partners they have the virus.
7) When a man and a woman have sex, it is the women’s responsibility to protect herself by using
contraception.
8) A wife cannot be raped by her husband.
9) It’s not okay for a boy or a man to cry.
10) You should only have sex with someone you love.
11) Waiting to have sexual intercourse until you are an adult is a good idea.
12) In family, financial support is the man’s responsibility.
13) Women should understand that men need to have extra-marital affairs.
14) Boys/men and the girls /women are equal.
15) A lady who dresses in miniskirts and sexy clothing is asking to be raped.
16) Abortion should be legalized.
17) A man, who fathers a child but does not assume responsibility for the child, should be punished
by our legal system.
18) It is more important to maintain certain cultural traditions and practices than it is to change
behaviour to prevent STI and HIV/AIDS.
19) A man’s sexual drive is greater than that a woman’s.
20) A 15 year old girl who wants birth control because she is sexually active should be able to get it
without difficulty.
21) When a woman says “no” to having sex, she really means “yes.”
22) Having a baby will hold a marriage together.
23) It is preferable to have boy child than a girl child.
24) It is okay for a boy to have pre-marital sex, but not a girl.
25) Having sex with an older man or woman for money is okay.
26) Having sex with a beautiful woman or a handsome man is okay. 8
Activity 37

WHAT DID YOUR FAMILY, CULTURE, RELIGION AND FRIENDS TEACH YOU ABOUT...?
Think about what you learned from your family, culture, religion and friends about the following topics.
Write down what they taught you. Make a note if you did not learn anything about the topic from the
source. Remember that sometimes we learn from people’s behavior, not just their words.
1) What did you learn about when it is okay to start having sex from:
Family:
Culture:
Religion:
Friends:
2) Compare it with your value

C) Self-Concept –(Self-perception, Self esteem)- discuses individually

Self-concept is made up of a person‘s perceptions of him/herself both internally and externally

(body image.)Self -esteem is the sense of worth you attach to yourself. It is the way you assess
yourself and feel about yourself. It includes accepting oneself, admitting one’s strengths and
short coming and taking responsibility for once actions. Self-esteem affects our trust in others,
our relationships, and our work – nearly every part of our lives.

Body image is an individual’s sense of self and relates to self-esteem. It is not solely related to
weight, or height or beauty, although it is a common misconception that only people who are
over or under sized have poor body-image. It is
Note:
influenced by many social and cultural factors and
encompasses how an individual feels about his/her Adolescents and young adults worry about
attractiveness, skin color, any disability or the size and shape of the penis, vulva, or
disfigurement, plus their concepts of how others breasts even though the variation do not
perceive them. affect reproduction or the ability to be a
good sexual partner.
Physical appearance is determined by heredity,
environment, and health habits. A person’s value is Using drugs to change your body image (e.g.
not determined by their appearance. Ideals of diet pills or steroids) to conform to
physical attractiveness change over time and differ unrealistic, gendered standards of beauty can
between cultures. The appearance of a person’s be harmful leading to harmful eating
body can affect how other people feel about and disorders, e.g. anorexia and bulimia.
behave towards them.

9
All bodies (including those with disabilities) are special and unique. Everyone can be proud of
their body. Humanity at its best is in its diversity and accepting everyone as a unique human
being. Unrealistic standards about body appearance can be challenged. One’s body image can
affect self-esteem, decision-making and behavior.

A person is not born with self-esteem; it is built by:

► Family
► Relatives, neighbors
► Teachers
► Friends
► Employers

Developing proper self-esteem is a very important aspect of one’s life. If you have a proper self-
esteem, you will be confident, happy, and sure of yourself. You would be highly motivated and
have the right attitude to succeed. Self-esteem is therefore crucial to you and is a cornerstone of a
positive attitude towards living.

Self-esteem is learnt as the child realizes that s/he is loved and valued.A person needs to hear
positive remarks including praise, encouragement and reassurance, about him/herself and the
things that s/he does. A person needs to grow up believing that s/he is both loveable and capable.
Parents and teachers play a crucial role in building or damaging a young person’s self-esteem.

The following are some features of proper self-esteem:

 Accepting new challenges and trying new activities
 Believing that we can succeed
 Being able to develop healthy relationships
 Being assertive and refusing to be pushed into what we do not believe in
 Confidence
NOTE
 Self-direction
 Non-blaming behavior Positive self-esteem gives us
 An awareness of personal strengths the strength and flexibility to
 An ability to make mistakes and learn from them take charge of our lives and
 An ability to accept mistakes from others grow from our mistakes
 Optimism without the fear of rejection.
 An ability to solve problems
 An independent and cooperative attitude
 Feeling comfortable with a wide range of emotions
 An ability to trust others
 A good sense of personal limitations

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  Good self-care and
 The ability to say “NO”

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem results from you having a poor self-image caused by your attitude to one or
more of the above. Example: you do not value the work you do highly or you feel you have no
purpose in your life. Negative thinking is an important cause of low self-esteem because if you
think negatively you will convince yourself that what you do or what you are has little value and
also you will believe the negative comments of others.

Negative thinking can also cause you to lose confidence so it is vital to end negative thoughts if
you want to build your self-esteem.

A poor sense of self-esteem can be beaten. Low self-esteem cannot survive if you follow what is
said below: It has been done and you can do it too. You can begin living a life filled with more
happiness and meaning now!

How you can improve your Low self-esteem

 Low self-esteem feeds on negative messages and thoughts so donot treat in self-
criticism. Why are you joining the other side to wage war against yourself? Silence your
inner judge and telling that you deserve better. Recognizing your special talents, abilities
and intentions and action and appreciate yourself the way you are.
 You can choose to please yourself before others. It is inconsiderate when you care
about others ‘feelings but are not taking care of your needs, just as important. Reason out
why you neglect yourself and choose to act justly.
 Do not try to be like someone else. This leads to lack of self-worth and confidence. You
are unique and you cannot be someone else. It is right to strive to be the better version of
you but do not criticize yourself for not being as successful, as beautiful, as slim or as
popular as someone else. You deserve better. Hence, do NOT compare yourself with
others to judge yourself according to someone else’s achievements. Compare your past
achievements with the present and see if you have improved.
 See yourself more than the problems you face. Failure just means you are not
successful YET. Everybody fails on their way to succeeding. Do not look on it as failure
but as a means to learning. Perhaps you just need a change of direction. Problems can
make you stronger if you strive to overcome them.
 Focus on your needs and desires. Self-worth, confidence, and assuredness will increase
when you are focused in fulfilling your needs. You deserve to live life, as you want. This
is not selfishness. This is proper self-love. As long as what you want doesnot hurt others
or prevent them from living life on their terms.

11
  Focus on your successes. Lack of confidence feeds on your feelings of failure and
inadequacy. Remember the truly successful things you have done in your life. Reward
yourself when you do succeed.
 Use positive affirmations and quotes. Read them every day or when you are feeling
negative and need inspiration. Telling yourself, “I can do it Write down compliments
you receive about you.
 Use visualization to help you achieve your dreams and increase your self-esteem.
 Focus on your strengths. Making a list of the things you do well. Use them. You will
succeed if you are true to yourself. Do not focus on your inabilities. Capitalize on your
ability not disability.
 Develop and work at achieving your goals. If you do this, your confidence will increase
and you will feel positive.
 Do your best at everything you try. Your self-criticism will die to nothing,as you will
know even if you do not succeed, you tried all you could.
 Feed your brain. Read inspiring books — they will really help you. Not just any books
though, read the best.
 Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Disregarding or stay
away from people who damage your self-esteem, particularly on purpose;
 Take good care of your body. Eat healthy, exercise, dress appropriately, and sleep 7-9
hours regularly. Our physical, emotional, thinking, and spiritual exercises are very much
interconnected affecting one another. Hence, we need to take care of the different aspects
of ourselves to address our needs holistically.

The above suggestions are steps you can take on the road to becoming more confident and
successful in your daily life. If you start on this road you need to keep at it. Others will
sometimes knock you down so you need to be strong and listen to your heart. Believing in
yourself is all about focusing on your strengths. You must be honest with yourself and being true
to your feelings and thoughts is the best way to live your life. Donot pretend to be anything that
you are not and donot listen to others who try to convince you that you are wrong. Trust your
intuition and your feelings to make the right decisions and decide today which direction you
want to go.

Relationship of Self-esteem with Self-Confidence

Self-confidence is a belief in yourself and your abilities, a mental attitude of trusting or relying
on yourself. Confidence is sometimes equated with freedom from doubt; however, confidence
is needed it is usually when the outcome is uncertain, so that true confidence is actually about
feeling comfortable with uncertainty and not knowing what the outcome will be. People who
have good self-esteem also have good self-confidence.

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Building self-confidence is especially important during early adolescence. The reason is that you
are entering a period in your life when a great deal of time is spent thinking about who you are;
what you are good at, and how are seen by others. This is also the age where an adolescent is
expected to have some control over his or her own life by making responsible healthy decisions.
Adolescences is characterized by rapid changes, which may affect feelings about self and the
feeling of self-confidence.Rapid changes are accompanied by so many new behaviors as a
natural part of growing up and you are bound to experience some self-doubt. That is normal too
at this age you need to accept this and trust yourself.

Characteristics of confident persons

 Carryout their duties with great endurance;
 Know, accept their limitations and try to change their limitations;
 Focus on what they can and what is on their hand;
 Have great control of their feelings;
 Have confidence in their abilities;
 Believe that they can do;
 Able to lead their life.

Characteristics of those with low self-confidence

 Feel inferior to others;
 Focus on the negative aspect of anything than positive;
 Feel bad about themselves;
 Do not accept themselves;
 Always look for perfection, absolutism;
 Give high critics to self;
 Feel that there are risks on every activity.
 Like to blame others (people, situations).

Ways to develop feeling of self-confidence

 `Know that success can bread self-confidence;
 Appreciate and see successful people and models;
 Focus on problems that one can be victorious;
 Being patient;
 Evaluate ones strong and weak sides;
 Accept good and encouraging opinion;
 Identify and know those things which will bring negative thoughts;
 Focus on the strong side;
 Use encouraging self-talks such as, “I can make a difference”;

13
  Reward self when successful.

Activity 38

Role Play
Assume that you are first year female University student, and you have a senior friend she came
from the same place from which you have come. She has changed physically and psychological
and now she is persuading you to have a boyfriend and got to night clubs. But you know that it is
not appropriate for you. Dramatize the way how to repel this influence.

Discussion points
How do you see the role play?
How are being exposed to risky behavior and self-confidence related?
What kinds of self-awareness do first year female students have? Does our relationship
influence our self-awareness, self-confidence? How?

D) Needs

Maslow and other scholars have identified a variety of psychological needs that drive our
behaviors such as needs for esteem, affection, belongingness, achievement, self-actualization,
power, and control. One of the advantages of knowing which needs exert the strongest influence
on our own behaviors is the ability to understand how they affect our interpersonal relationships.
For instance, most of us have probably known people who have a high need for status.

Physiological needs
According to Maslow‘s need hierarchy a person basic needs are food,water and sleep that
help people to survive from the very beginning of life. Physiological needs are to be
satisfied before one moves to fulfilling other needs.

Safety and security — Long term survival and comfort

As children, safety and security needs are equally important to survive in this world.
Unless they are physically and emotionally sheltered, they will not exist. Often times,
when one’s safety and security is tampered, the other needs will also be endangered. For
adolescents, risky behaviors expose them to endanger their safety and long-term
survivals. Hence, need to adopt health behaviors to ensure safety and security.For adults
safety in workplaces, insurances, pension, salaries, show whether or not they feel safe
and secure.

Love and belonging – Affiliation and acceptance

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 The need for love, acceptance, affiliation and feelings of belongingness are human needs
that start to be fulfilled primarily in family. This sets the tone of how we continue to
relate with others. We love because we learned to be loved. We care for others because
we are cared for and when we did not receive adequate love and care we observe how our
life is hampered by it. Hence, may decide to adopt it in spite of the lack in our lives.
We belong to families, friends, school, communities, business/professional or social
organizations. The nature and style of our involvement with other people reveal a great
deal. Adolescents and young adults need to belong to and be part of their peer groups.
This can boost their personality and achievement or it could be detrimental if they join
those who are addicted and sabotage their growth and development.

Esteem — Recognition and achievement

Self-esteem is the experience of being capable of meeting life’s challenges and being
worthy of happiness. It also refers to how we value ourselves. It is how we perceive our
value to the world and how valuable we think we are to others. At this stage, adults set
personal goals and achieve them, mastering something difficult. This could be
educational, social, financial, business or professional.

Self-actualization — Fulfilling one‘s potentials

This happens when people feel that they have reached a stage whereby they live their
potential, fulfill their long-term goals and experience life fully with their unique values
and capacities.

Most of our behaviors are dictated by our needs. Hence, self-awareness involves knowing our
needs and how we fulfill them.

E) Emotions

Emotional self-awareness is one aspect of self-awareness that determines our drives, actions and
reactions. Understanding your own feelings, what causes them, and how they impact our
thoughts and actions is also emotional self-awareness. A person with high emotional self-
awareness understands the internal process associated with emotional experiences and, therefore,
has greater control over them.

Emotions are the most present, pressing and sometimes painful force in our lives. We are driven
day by day by our emotions. We take chances because we are excited for new prospects. We cry
because we have been hurt and we make sacrifices because we love. At times, our emotions
dictate our thoughts, intentions and actions with superior authority to our rational minds. Hence,
we need listen to them and check with our rational being to make the right decisions.

15
The strong feelings adolescents and young adults usually deal with are: love, anger, and fear.

 Love

Activity 39

Love is a word that is used indiscriminately in conversation, but rarely discussed. Divide the class
in to different group with five members. Discuss the following questions with thegroup.
o Is love the same for men and women?
o Do women have a greater capacity for love than men? Why?
o Do you believe in love at first sight? Why?
o In what ways is love important to all of us?
o Is hate the opposite of love? If not, what is?
o Explain how you develop a loving relationship.
o Can you love more than one individual at a time?
o Is jealousy a basic aspect of love?
o Are loving and being in love the same?
o How do you know when you love someone?
o How do you know when you are loved?
o Is love just a feeling or a decision to build character?

Many adolescents and young adults have difficulty in differentiating feelings of infatuation from
love. Though infatuation is normal acting out on the feelings can jeopardize life.

Differentiate Love from Infatuation

Love Infatuati
on

Love comes gradually between two people. Infatuatio

n happens
suddenly
after an
initial
meeting
between
people.

They grow into it after many experiences The

couple

16
together. think they
are ‘in
love.'

True love is based on knowledge. Infatuatio

n is
narrowly
based on
physical
attraction
that
passes for
knowing
each other
well.

Love involves the entire personality. Infatuatio

n argues
that `you
cannot
explain
love.'

True love kindles kindly feelings towards others. Infatuatio

n
damages
dispositio
n.

It makes the other person happy and improves his/her disposition. A person
becomes
indifferen
t and
disagreea
ble
towards
others
who `do
not
understan
d.'

17
Love Infatuati
on

True love thinks of the other person. It desires to protect the person and to do Infatuatio
things to make the person happy. n tends to
exploit
the other
person for
personal
or other
selfish
satisfactio
n.

True love is trustful, calm, secure, hopeful and self-confident Infatuatio

n is
insecure,
distrustful
, jealous
and
fearful.

True love says `We want forever! We can afford to wait! Nothing can happen to Infatuatio
our love for each other. n or
passion
says we
have only
tonight.
Let us
live it up
or let us
get
married
now.

True love causes one to be proud of the other person and eager to introduce him/ Infatuatio
her to others, including parents and other adults n is often
embarrass
ed about
the
relationsh
ip and is

18
 secretive
with
parents
and
others.

In true love, physical expression has tender meaning and comes slowly, naturally In
and sincerely. Each person respects the mind and body of the other person. infatuatio
n,
physical
contact-
common
and
ordinary-
is the end.
The
meaning
is lacking.
It is the
thrill of
the
experienc
e for
personal
gratificati
on.

True love tends to occur in the early twenties or any time after that. Infatuatio
n tends to
be more
frequent
among
young
adolescen
ts.

Delaying Gratification

It is natural and normal for us to feel sexually aroused by something or someone. This can
happen at any time and does not mean that we are looking for sex. The way people dress, the

19
way they smile, walk and talk can stir feelings of attraction and desire inside others. This is just
our sexuality expressing itself – it is our body’s way of acknowledging ourselves and others as
sexual beings. Love is not equal to sex. Delaying sexual gratification and working on loving
relationship may help build strong relationship.

Feeling turned on does not mean that one has to have sexual intercourse. It means the person has
a strong feeling of attraction to another person or to the thought of a sexual behavior. They may
or may not want to express it and it may or may not be through sexual intercourse.

Society’s different messages to boys and girls about their sexuality influence how they
experience and handle their feelings of sexual attraction and arousal. Most girls are taught that
they should keep their virginity and that having sex is shameful; if they are sexually experienced,
they may be seen as loose or worse. On the other hand, although boys and men also need
intimacy, in most societies they are encouraged to become sexually experienced. They may feel
that being a virgin is shameful, so they may want to move into a sexual relationship before they
knows each other well. These behaviors are stereotypical and young people should be
encouraged to know themselves and what is right for them rather than to follow gender
stereotypes.

Getting to know one another intimately is important in building a strong relationship. It also
helps for a couple to talk about the sexual feelings that they have so they can make a decision
about how to handle them. There are many pleasurable things that two people who are attracted
to each other can do without having sexual intercourse

 Anger

Anger is the emotional expression that has physiological, psychological and social component.
Everyone experiences anger—it’s a completely normal emotion, and it’s healthy within limits.
But as we know, anger can become a problem when it gets out of control. Some people describe
anger as a “secondary emotion”. This means that anger is a response to a primary emotion, such
as hurt, fear, or sadness. For example, someone might feel hurt, and lash out with anger in
response.

Many of us pick up life-long habits related to anger when we’re children, based off of the
examples set by our parents. We may notice some similarities between how you and your family
members deal with anger. Anger may be deeply rooted in childhood hurts, injustice in past
experiences and emotional abuses.

People can express their anger through words, actions, art, or in a number of other ways. How
you think about a situation can influence how you feel about it. For example, if you think that
someone “is against you”, you will probably see all of their actions in a negative light and react
in hurting others. Hence, one of effective ways of dealing with anger is using “I language” to

20
express first the situation, then your thinking and your feelings. That way, it deescalates the
hurtful expressions of anger such as yelling at others, or sulking and hurting oneself.

Activity 40

Discuss the following points about anger.

o Can people make you angry?

o When isanger healthy, and when does it become unhealthy or harmful?
o Do you think anger is a secondary emotion? Why or why not?
o Do you express your anger in any healthy ways, and if so, what are they?
o What do you think might happen if you never expressed your anger?
o What are unhealthy ways of expressing anger?
o In what ways could changing how you think help you control how you feel?
o What would it look like if someone was really good at managing their anger?

Managing Anger

• Emotions are usually followed by thoughts. Hence, since we can reason out, and conduct
self-discussions, you can delay reactions to emotional triggers. Instead of responding to
the triggering events, words or actions, we can take a deep breath and stabilize the
overwhelming impulse and continue to breathe deeply for five minutes, feeling as our
muscles untense and our heart rate returns to normal, we can become calmer, affirm to
ourselves that this is only temporary. Successful students manage impulsivity. They
control themselves and act thoughtfully and deliberately in any situation.

21
 • Processing the anger is important. Not just hiding one’s anger or ignoring it, but
managing it in a genuinely healthy way.
This means, we express what we felt and NOTE
why we felt. If it is due to There are a number of approaches to deal
misinterpretations, we clarify and accept with your anger:
the facts. – Self and others awareness – ask what?
• If the anger persists, finding a healthy why?
outlet is essential such as writing, – Increase your internal locus of control
exercising or using the energy to build – Use problem solving/conflict resolution
up. – Better communication - assertiveness
• Replace your thoughts is essential not to – Develop relationship
continue feeling angry. Negative – Use conflict resolution strategies
emotions bind us to recurring negative – Mindfulness and self-care
thoughts, creating cycles of downright – Learn relaxation training
negative patterns. Whenever you are – Use humor
confronted with an emotion which is – Changing your environment
making you feel or think something bad, – Forgiveness
force it out of your mind and replace it
with a different thought. Imagine the ideal resolution to your problem playing out, think
about someone who makes you happy or remember an event that makes you smile.
• Restoring relationship with taking responsibility for our actions and reactions with
forgiveness is the final goal.

F) Habits

Our habits are the behaviors (the aggregate of responses to internal andexternal stimuli)that we
repeat routinely and often automatically. Although we would like to possess the habits that help
us interact effectively with and manage others, we can probably all identify at least one of our
habits that decrease our effectiveness. We are what we repeatedly do.

Developing good habits is what sustain our way of life. Unfortunately, at times we cannot see
the value of change for we could get very comfortable doing things the same way each and every
day. We often absentmindedly stick to a daily routine without considering the consequence or
effectiveness of it.

If we are in the habit of smoking to relieve stress/anxiety, or over-eating, or taking our

frustrations out on others, or drinking alcohol to relax, we must recognize these as habits worth
changing, or eliminating for they have great potential to destroy us eventually. So where do we
begin.

22
 NOTE
There are a number of approaches to deal with your anger:
1. Identify the habit.
2. Make the decision, and then the commitment, to change.The longer you put off taking
action, especially where health is concerned, the unhealthier you, or the situation, will
get. A conscious commitment is necessary because that's what it takes to get the wheels
of motion in action.
3. Discover your triggers and obstacles.We all have bad days, but we need not resort to
unhealthy habits to alleviate the stress. Likewise, we cannot let boredom, anger, or
anxiety be triggers for bad habits either. Looking for healthy ways of dealing with
triggers and obstacles is essential.
4. Devise a plan. Work on one good habit to eliminate the bad one and setting specific goal
is important to measure it.
5. Employ visualization and affirmations. Imaginingyourself carrying out the correct
behaviors and affirming oneself with the right mindset makes it easier to adopt new
habits.
6. Enlist support from family and friends. We all need support to achieving our goals so
asking starts
Self-awareness otherswith
to collaborate with us
our personality reinforces
(nature, our actions.
nurture and life events); belief system
7. Find healthy ways to reward yourself.One of the reasons
(values), self-concept (thinking), needs and emotions. All of these we are
develop many in
expressed bad habits in
our
behaviors,the first place
which is becauseshow
we habitually theycalled
make us feel good,
habits. This even
is theifaction
it's justpart
temporarily. The
that practically
experience
changes our life. of feeling good is meant to soothe or placate us when we're stressed,
dejected, or just plain out of sorts. Hence, we need to reward ourselves when we do
what isbenefit
The wonderful right. of developing good habits is that after doing them repeatedly, they soon
become automatic. Anything you do for a long while and consistently enough eventually
becomes a habit, and once it does, you no longer have to put much effort into it. Such is the
beauty of developing good habits.

1.3.2. Intrapersonal Skills

1.3.2.1. Critical Thinking

Thinking is a cognitive process in which the brain uses information from the senses, emotions,
and memory to create and manipulate mental representations such as concepts, images, and
schemas. There are different types of thinking, such as: concrete, abstract, convergent, divergent,
analytical, linear, non-linear creative and critical thinking.

Critical thinking is the ability to exercise careful evaluation or judgment in order to determine
the authenticity, accuracy, worth, validity or value of something and make appropriate decisions
concerning one’s situation. Critical thinking comprises a number of different skills that help us

23
learn to make decisions. It is the ability to evaluate information to determine whether it is right or
wrong. To think critically about an issue or a problem means to be open-minded and consider
alternative ways of looking at solutions. As children grow into pre-adolescents and teenagers,
their critical thinking skills will help them make judgments independently of parents. For this
training, critical thinking is taken all forms of thinking by focusing on the elements of thinking to
help us make wise decisions.

Benefits of thinking critically

 Students are able to raise vital questions and problems, as well as formulate and present
them clearly
 Students can gather and assess information and interpret it effectively
 Students can reach well-reasoned conclusions and solutions to problems while testing
them against relevant criteria and standards
 Students can be open-minded
 Students can clearly communicate ideas, positions, and solutions to others

Characteristics ofcritical thinker

 Engagement
 Looking for opportunities to use reasoning
 Anticipating situations that require reasoning
 Confident in reasoning ability
 Innovativeness
 Intellectually curious
 Wants to know the truth
 Cognitive maturity
 Aware that real problems are complex
 Open to other points of view
 Aware of biases and predispositions

Process of Critical Thinking

 Identify problems: Identify a problem or a premise or a statement to discuss. Search or

discuss possible solutions or counter-arguments. Discuss how to judge the credibility of
information.
 Searching for reasons:Questioning and reasoning are very important functions of the
mind that help us to live an examined life. The “Ws” and the “H” questions help us to
debate and let our minds be sharpened.

24
  Gather enough information: When problem solving and/or visioning, it is important to
ask interpretive questions that build upon one an-other. Interpretive questions are
effective both with well planned discussions and in spontaneous situations. Interpretive
questions stimulate ideas, communication, understanding and problem solving.
 Use a reliable source: Identify a problem or a premise or a statement to discuss. Search
or discuss possible solutions or counter-arguments. Discuss how to judge the credibility
of information. Discuss the "appeal to authority" approach, to assist a person in knowing
whether an appeal to authority is real or fallacious.
 Evaluate the overall problem: Evaluating the problem can give us a clear goal, to what
we are about to do to solve the problem.
 Never miss the main issue: On trying to solve problem and make decisions, we always
have to consider the main idea, what we want to accomplish, who has the problem? what
is the problem? Where did the problem occur? When did it appear? Why did this happen?
How can we solve it? So this question will help us make the best decisions.
 Consider the key point: Always consider the key point, why we are going all the
process. What we want to solve the problems.
 Thinking different alternatives and listing to the reasons: Taking time to analyze all
our options and alternatives can help us make the decision and to solve our problems.
 Be open minded and consider the starting ideas: By being open minded will help us
consider the ideas we didn't think possible or are available. We have to consider the
starting point and the main goal what we want to achieve.
 Making smart decisions after analyzing: On making decisions we have to walk all the
process above because we take time to think it through, so it always help the decision to
be calculated, planned, considered and not spontaneous.
 Taking the right methods to apply: Applying the decision we have made by taking all
the pre-cautions and the right road will make it sustainable and applicable.

1.3.2.2. Decision Making

Decision making and problem solving are critically important skill areas for students for in
campus life management. As a student, your ability to identify current and potential problems
and to make sound, timely decisions before and during things take place can literally affect
academic performance and well-being of your life. This session includes main content of
decision making and problem solving skill.

Decision-making is the study of identifying and choosing alternatives based on the values and
preferences of the decision-maker. Making a decision implies that there are alternative choices to
be considered, and in such a case we want not only to identify as many of these alternatives as
possible but to choose the one that best fits with our goals, desires, lifestyle, values, and so on.

25
Decision-making is the process of sufficiently reducing uncertainty and doubt about alternatives
to allow a reasonable choice to be made from among them. This definition stresses the
information gathering function of decision making. It should be noted here that uncertainty is
reduced rather than eliminated. Very few decisions are made with absolute certainty because
complete knowledge about all the alternatives is seldom possible. Thus, every decision involves
a certain amount of risk.

Activity 41

Scenario
1. You have just joined a new college and are very eager to make friends. Your family has
spent a lot of money and effort to allow you to attend this college. They live in village. You
are excited being in the city and want to explore your newly found freedom. You go to
parties and try to fit in with the expectations of your friends. During one such party your
friends offer you drugs and dare you to use them. What will you do?
2. You love your friend but s/he says that, unless you have sex with him/her, s/he will not
believe you. What will you do?

NOTE
One popular strategy for decision-making/problem solving is called
FAST.

F: Freeze and think -What is the problem?

A: Alternatives - What are my possible solutions?
S: Solution Evaluation - Choose the best alternative: Safe? Fair?
T: Try it - Slowly and carefully: Does it work?

Steps of problem solving and decision–making

Step 1: Identify the situation or problem

Step 2: Collect the relevant information using the “W” and “H” questions: What? Why? When?
Where?How? Who? Which?
Step 3: Identify possible solutions: Think critically about all the possible alternatives that you
could choose from.
Step 4: Examine each alternative. Look at each of the possible solutions that you have listed,
and think about the advantages and disadvantages of each. Also, consider how you feel about
each of them. Discuss with people you think can help you. Think about the worst that can
happen.

26
Step 5: Choose one alternative: Decide on one alternative from your list of alternatives. This
choice will be based on your information, advantages, disadvantages, values and feelings.
Step 6: Implement the decision: Work out the methodology and carry out your decision.
Step 7: Evaluate your decision. Did it work? Why and Why not?

NOTE: The major challenge of decision making is uncertainty. Hence, your first task is to make
critical analysis of the decision environment to reduce the level of uncertainty.

1.3.2.3. Problem Solving

Activity 42

Brainstorming
 What does a problem mean?
 What are the sources of problems?
 What skills did you use to solve problems?

What is Problem?
A Problem is something that hinders human beings from fulfilling their needs and/or wishes.
Problems always exist and are faced by all without difference in age, sex, race and educational
level. But the kinds and seriousness of the problems as well as their solving strategies vary.
Problems could be sources of innovation. Hence looking at problems as a means to widen one’s
horizon to tackle issues would be a positive approach to dealing with life issues.

Source of problems
 Nature
 Environment /situations
 Nurture: Background of the person
 Lack of information, etc.

Problem solving
It is the process of taking corrective action in order to meet objectives. It is a skill that is highly
related to decision making skills of an individual. Solving a problem requires critical thinking
and decision making.

Some problems related to students in the university are:

 Negative peer pressure,
 Lack of motivation

27
  Lack of assertiveness
 Lack of communication skill
 Un favorable environment
 GBV and harassment
 Problems related to reproductive health, HIV/AIDS, drug use etc…

Activity 43

Practicing How to solve problems: Case studies

 Assume you have friends who chew chat. Your friends told you that if don’t join them you
are considered as “un moody”. Then, you convinced by their offer and get use of chat.
Through time you get addicted and unable to study without it, however, your economic
situations do not allow you to do so frequently. You are now come to realize that you
have to stop. If you are in his shoes what will you do to solve the problem you are in to?

 You had a great party with your classmates and everyone has got drunk and after the
party you go to bed with your girlfriend and make love with her. After two month she told
you that she is pregnant. Every day she told you that if her parents heard this they will be
very disappointed. She is in a lot of stress and cannot follow her lesson properly. If she
continues with this mood she may not be effective in her education. If you are in her place,
how do you solve your prevailing problem?

When something goes wrong, do not ask a question how can I fix things and get them back to the
way they were before? A better question that would stimulate creating problem solving would be
how can I fix things and make them better than they were before? The purpose of solving should
go beyond making the necessary correction for the mistake committed.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we creating them
(Albert Einstein)

Ways to Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills

Every day you will be faced with at least one problem to solve. However, it gets easier when you
realize that problems are simply choices. There is nothing ‘scary’ about them other than having
to make a decision. No matter what field you are in, where you live, who your partner is, and
how many friends you have, you will be judged on your ability to solve problems. Because
problems equal hassles for everyone concerned. And people donot like hassle. So the more

28
problems you can solve, the less hassle all-round, the happier people are with you. Everyone
wins. Hence what can you do to enhance your problem solving skills?

 Focus on the solution – not the problem

Neuroscientists have proven that your brain cannot find solutions if you focus on the problem.
This is because when you focus on the problem you are effectively feeding ‘negativity’ which in
turn activates negative emotions in the brain. These emotions block potential solutions. This is
not ignoring the problem. It helps to first acknowledge the problem, analyze it, and then move
your focus to a solution-oriented mindset where you keep fixed on what the ‘answer’ could be
instead of lingering on ‘what went wrong’ and ‘whose fault it is’.

 2. Have an open mind

Try and entertain ‘all possible solutions’ – even if they seem ridiculous at first. It is important
you keep an open mind to boost creative thinking, which can trigger potential solutions.
Whatever you do – do not ridicule yourself for coming up with ‘stupid solutions’ as it is often the
crazy ideas that trigger other more viable solutions.

 3. View problems neutrally

What is a problem? In stead of thinking issues as insurmountable, scary, or giving it any label,
think as it is giving you feedback on your current situation. All a problem is telling you is that
something is not currently working and that you need to find a new way around it. So try and
approach problems neutrally – without any judgment. If you get caught up in the label ‘problem’
this may trigger a bought of negative thoughts and block any potential solutions from popping
up!

 4. Think critically
Change the ‘direction’ of your thoughts by thinking in different ways. Pay attention to the
saying, ‘You cannot dig a hole in a different place by digging it deeper”. Try to change your
approach and look at things in a new way. You can try flipping your objective around and
looking for a solution that is the polar opposite! Even if it feels silly, a fresh and unique approach
usually stimulates a fresh solution.

 5. Use language that creates possibility

Lead your thinking with phrases like ‘what if…’ and ‘imagine if…’ These terms open up our
brains to think creatively and encourage solutions. Avoid closed, negative language such as ‘I
don’t think…’ or ‘This is not right but…’

 6. Simplify things

29
As human beings we have a tendency to make things more complicated than they need to be. Try
simplifying your problem by generalizing it. Remove all the detail and go back to the basics. Try
looking for a really easy, obvious solution – you might be surprised at the results. And we all
know that it is often the simple things that are the most productive.

Problem-Solving Strategies
The following techniques are usually called problem-solving strategies:
 Abstraction: solving the problem in a model of the system before applying it to the real
system
 Analogy: using a solution that solves an analogous problem
 Brainstorming: (especially among groups of people) suggesting a large number of
solutions or ideas and combining and developing them until an optimum is found
 Critical thinking: Use the “Ws” and the “H” questions to debate and let your mind be
sharpened.
 Divide and conquer: breaking down a large, complex problem into smaller, solvable
problems
 Hypothesis testing: assuming a possible explanation to the problem and trying to prove
(or, in some contexts, disprove) the assumption
 Lateral thinking: approaching solutions indirectly and creatively
 Means-ends analysis: choosing an action at each step to move closer to the goal
 Method of focal objects: synthesizing seemingly non-matching characteristics of
different objects into something new
 Morphological analysis: assessing the output and interactions of an entire system
 Proof: try to prove that the problem cannot be solved. The point where the proof fails
will be the starting point for solving it
 Reduction: transforming the problem into another problem for which solutions exist
 Research: employing existing ideas or adapting existing solutions to similar problems
 Root cause analysis: identifying the cause of a problem
 Trial-and-error: testing possible solutions until the right one is found

1.3.2.4. Goal setting

A goal is an aim that somebody wants to achieve. The process of setting goals helps you choose
where you want to go in life. By knowing precisely what you want to achieve, you know where
you have to concentrate your efforts. It is our goal which determines our ways of acting.

Human beings are different on what they take as a goal and how much they devote for it. A
person with no goal is like ship with no captain. Goal gives meaning for your living and guides
you what to do in day to day life.

30
In campus life it is necessary for students to clearly understand why they are in campus so that
they can be aware of factors which may stand between them and their goals. Goals give you
long-term vision and short-term motivation. It focuses your acquisition of knowledge and help
you to organize your time and your resources so that you can make the very most of your life and
campus life specifically.

Specifically for students, goal is of various importance. To list few of them, a goal:
 Gives meaning for why he/she is in the University;
 Assists to identify what is expected from the student;
 Helps to identify what stands between the student and his/her goal and help to avoid
them;
 Helps to concentrate on what is important;
 Helps to avoid wasting time on unnecessary tasks and helps to determine your
destination;
 Helps to evaluate your success; and
 Increases self-confidence and add value.

Classification of Goals
Depending on the length of time needed to accomplish, goals are classified into the following
three (3) types:
a) Short-term goals: These are goals achieved within a short period of time. It may take a
day, week, or month.
b) Medium-term goals: These are goals accomplished within months to 5 years.
c) Long-term goals: The goal that would be reached within 5 years or takes more than 5
years that will be achieved in your life time.

Goal Setting

31
Goal setting is a powerful process for
thinking about your ideal future, and for NOTE
motivating yourself to turn this vision of Note: Before you go for the gold, you must first
the future into reality. The point we go for the goal.
consider and the way we follow while o Identify your overall goal (e.g. graduating
setting goal determine the quality of our from university with 3.8 CGPA)
goal and its relevance as well as its o State the good things that you will get if
achievability. you achieve your goal.
o Identify the possible barriers to the
Therefore, it requires careful planning and achievement of the goal and ways to
tangible strategies. In our living in general, overcome them.
in university life in particular, there may o Specify what is needed from you to achieve
be numerous issues which pleases us. But the goal (e.g. study 5 hours a day, attending
if we as a student strive to achieve all of all classes,…)
them it may be difficult and sometimes o Specify the resources and people that help
may make as reluctant from focusing on you to achieve your goal.
the most important issues. Hence, students o Create a step by step plan and date of
need to list important things and need to completion:
prioritize the critical one. o Use SMART to breakdown the goal.

The basic thing before setting a goal is prioritization. Prioritization is a task to determine the
criteria that are most important to you and most related to your goal. To make a good
prioritization it is helpful to consider the four quadrants on the analysis of the importance and
urgency of goals.

Methods to set a Goal

There are a number of methods help us in setting our goal
 Down to top goal setting
This kind of goal setting is when we set a goal starting from where we are and then determine
what we need to do first, second, third etc. in order to get to the goal at some point in future.
 Backward/top to bottom goal setting
This starts with the end result in mind and plan backwards from that point to determine what you
need to be dong each step along the way in order to achieve that goal.

32
Activity 44

Goal Setting
 Take three minutes to think.
 What is your ultimate goal in life?
 List important things that you want to do in your campus life.
 Do they go with your ultimate life?
 Evaluate their importance.
 Evaluate their urgency.
 Prioritize and set your goals.

Setting SMART goal is the means not the end for success

We have to set a goal that has to be achieved that is it has to be SMART:

S – Specific: goal should clearly identify what is that you expect to be accomplished. If the goal
is specific, there will be no confusion of the task to be accomplished.
M-measureable: The goal has to be measurable so that it leads you to know how far along you
are in reaching the goal. It answers how students know when he/she reached
his/her goal.
A – Achievable: our goal should have to be attainable with the existing resources and workload
that we have. Even if the goal is meant to be unattainable given the constraints,
there has to be a way of challenging, removing, or reducing the problem to
attain the goal.
R – Realistic: the goal must be something that you are willing and able to work towards but it
doesn’t mean that the goal has to be low and simple. Here you have to ask the
next questions
o Do I have the resource for the goal?
o Do I have the support of others in the (department?)
o What knowledge/experience am I lacking?
o Have I reviewed my existing workload with my supervisor to prioritize the
goal?
T – Time bound: A time bounded goal is necessary for motivational purpose and brings a sense
of urgency to keep focus on.

If what you do does not contribute to your goal, then do not do it!

1.3.2.5. Academic Skill

33
Overview
University students need to develop academic skills which are required to enhance their
academic performance and succeed at the university. Academic skills are skills which help
students learn how to be a more effective learner. Thus, this session is designed to address the
basic necessary academic skills at university level study and enhance university student’s
academic performance. For example, students generally need to be able to manage their time
effectively, take note from lecture, as well as from texts, use effective study skills etc. It can
include goal setting, study, reading, note taking, test taking, time management internet brows,
library use, and presentation skills. Here in this session, the first four skills have been
emphasized.

A. Study Skills

Activity 45

Study Self-Assessment
Discover your approach to studying. Circle the responses that apply to you.
1. My study habits are... a) good b) fair c) poor
2. For every hour in class, I study? a) Less than 1 hr. b) 2 hrs. c) more than 2 hrs.
3. I have an organized plan and schedule for study? True/ false
4. I have a quiet place in which I study? a) True b) false
5. I usually approach studying with a positive attitude. a) True b) false
In what ways could you improve your study habits? _________________________

Have you ever wondered what sets apart the optimally functioning students from the average
ones?

Being successful in university requires a high level of study skills. It is also an apparent fact that
students success in higher learning institution depends on their ability to study effectively and
efficiently. Studying involves learning a complex set of skills, such as note taking, test taking,
etc., that must be practiced in order for you to become a good student. Hence students must first
learn these skills, practice them and develop effective study habits in order to be successful.

Since everyone is different, no two people study the same way, and there is little doubt that what
works for one person may not work for another. Some students may consider studying as
exciting while others consider it as work. Some have very effective study skill while others have
poor study skill. Whereas the results of poor study skill are wasting time, frustration, and low or
failing grades, effective study skill help students meet their goal.

34
Hence developing an effective study skill is going to be about yourself, your time .and your
future. There are no magic formula to be successful in life; success require hard work and work
discipline. Here is some general techniques that seems to produce good results.

 Study Schedule
Studying any material required work. Working on a given task requires planning and adhering to
it. The process of studying requires developing schedule. The study habits of students who have
achieved outstanding success show a well-designed schedule. The purpose of scheduling is to
free students from academic inefficiencyand anxiety, wasting time, hasty last minute study, etc.

 Preparing study schedule

 Prioritize your time: You may find it necessary to postpone or eliminate certain activities in
order to fulfill your goals as a student. Put off other activities to allow for adequate study
time.
 Plan your study: Leave enough time for each of your subjects and more time for difficult
subjects.
 Keep a weekly and monthly schedule plan: to make the schedule practical,the plan needs
to reflect weekly and monthly schedule. You can use your syllabus to book important dates
to your weekly/monthly plan.
 Daily study time schedule: program the weekly plan in to daily schedule.Donot forget break
time!!! Because the more active you are, the more effective your study time will be. A tired
body only makes a tired mind.
 Organize Your Study Area: Be sure the area is free from noise and distractions, and yet not
too comfortable. Control for interruptions like phones ringing, doors opening and closing,
and people coming and going. As much as possible study areas need to free from anything
which may cause daydreaming.

You’ll find that once you develop effective study habits, the job of studying and learningwill
become easier. Instead of working harder, you'll be working smarter

Activity 46

Discussion points
 What does your current study area look like?
 Where is the ideal place for study in university? Why?
 What are your criteria to select study area?
 Does the ideal place for study vary between female/male? Why?

35
 Strategies for Effective Study
 Understanding Instead of Memorizing

 The following method of study help students read faster and studies better,
• SQ3R Method: Survey ----- Question ----- Read ----- Recite ----- Review

a) Survey
Get the overall picture of what you are going to study. It takes only a few minutes. Glance
quickly at the chapter title, the introduction, headings, and summary paragraphs, if any. Notice
any bold print, pictures, diagrams, graphs, tables, etc.

b) Question
Before you begin reading a section, turn the heading into a question. For example, if the heading
is causes for GBV, your question would be "What are the causes of GBV?"

c) Read
Read the material under the heading with the purpose of getting the answer to your question.
Identify the main ideas and highlight or underline them. Read sections at a time and stop to ask
questions. Jot down notes and ask yourself what you just read. If you can answer your question,
read on. If not, look it over again.

d) Recite
This step requires that you recite out loud. Without looking the material, say what you have
covered in your reading in your own words. Attempt to answer all questions you raised before
reading. If you find you cannot answer your question, go back and look for the answer, then try
again. This way you will know if you have understood the material.
e) Review
Then review the main points in your notes, making sure you understand them. Add to your notes
from the text, if necessary. Always do a review of the chapter after completing your reading.
Then do quick reviews before and after each class. Do longer, more in-depth reviews before
exams.

B. Reading Skills

Activity 47

Reading: Self-Assessment
1) What have you done that will improve your reading skill?
2) Do you consider the purpose of your reading?
3) Can you identify your reading style?

36
Improving your reading skills will reduce unnecessary reading time and enable students to read
in a more focused and selective manner. Students will also be able to increase their levels of
understanding and concentration. Students are expected to do much more reading at university
than at school or college.

Reading for study

Students already use a range of reading styles in everyday situations. The normal reading style
that you might use for reading a novel is to read in detail, focusing on every word in sequence
from start to finish. If it is a magazine you are reading, you might flick through the pages to see
which articles are of interest. When you look in a telephone directory for a particular name, you
purposefully ignore all other entries and focus your attention on spotting the name you want.
These everyday reading skills can be applied to your studies.

To improve your reading skills you need to:

 Have clear reading goals: Clear reading goals can significantly increase your reading
efficiency. Not everything in print will be of use to you. Use reading goals to select and
prioritize information according to the task in hand.
 Choose the right texts: You will need to assess the text to see if it contains information
that is relevant to your reading goals.
 Use the right reading style
 Use note taking techniques
 Reading skills are specific abilities which enable a reader to:
o read the written form as meaningful language;
o read anything written with independence, comprehension and fluency, and
o mentally interact with the message.
Kinds of Reading Skills
o Word attack skills- let the reader figure out new words.
o Comprehension skills- help the reader predict the next word, phrase, or sentence quickly
enough to speed recognition.
o Fluency skills -help the readers see larger segments, phrases, and groups of words as
wholes.
o Critical reading skills -help the reader see the relationship of ideas and use these in
reading with meaning and fluency.

As readers make sense of what they read, they use various relationships of ideas to aid
recognition and fluency.

Styles or Techniques of Reading

37
There are five styles of reading which students use in different situations:

Activity 48

Discussion points
1) What is scanning, skimming, extensive, and intensive reading?
2) Outline what you use in reading novel, text book, newspaper, telephone directory, postcard,
poem, recipe, travel brochure.
3) Share what you have written with your friends.
a. Scanning: for a specific focus

The technique you use when you're looking up a topic in the book: you move your eye quickly
over the page to find particular words or phrases that are relevant to the task you are doing. This
can be introduction, first and last paragraphs, conclusion.

b. Skimming: for getting the gist of something

The technique you use when you're going through a newspaper or magazine: you read quickly to
get the main points, and skip over the detail. It is useful to skimto preview a passage before you
read it in detail and to refresh your understand of a passage after you have read it in detail. Use
skimming when you are trying to decide if a book in the library or bookshop is right for you.

c. Extensive reading: longer texts for pleasure and needing global understanding

d. Detailed reading: for extracting information accurately

e. Active reading: When you are reading for your course, you need to make sure you are
actively involved with the text. It is a waste of your time to just passively read, the way
you would read a thriller on holiday. Always make notes to keep up your concentration
and understanding. You can also speed up your active reading using SQ3R technique
mentioned in study skill session.

Here are four tips for active reading:

 Underlining and highlighting
 Note key words
 Pre-reading question (before reading the whole book)
 Make your own summaries

Strategies that can help students read more quickly and effectively include:

38
  Previewing: reviewing titles, section headings, and photo captions to get a sense of the
structure and content of a reading selection.
 Predicting: using knowledge of the subject matter to make predictions about content and
vocabulary and check comprehension; using knowledge of the text type and purpose to
make predictions about discourse structure; using knowledge about the author to make
predictions about writing style, vocabulary, and content.
 Guessing from context:using prior knowledge of the subject and the ideas in the text as
clues to the meanings of unknown words, instead of stopping to look them up.

C. Note Taking Skills

Activity 49

Discussion points
 Why do we need to take notes?
 How do you take note?
 During lecture time?

Note
Note is important points which people assume to record and read it in the future. An effective
way of taking notes during lecture time helps to:
 Attend attentively and encourage learning.
 Identify and understand key ideas.
 Keep a record of information for future use.
 Prepare for examinations.

Method that will help you see the key elements note taking include:

 The Cornell Note-Taking Method

The Cornell method uses a simple three-step process.

a) Take class notes: main ideas, supporting details, examples, etc. This may be what you
already try to do, so this element is familiar to you.
b) Identify and pull out the keywords, key ideas, etc., that are the main focus.
c) Finally, after the class is over, you should thoughtfully reflect on the meaning of what
you learned, summarize it, and take action on the material.

39
People may take notes from various sources which they think is important. For students, the
commonly used sources of notes are textbooks and class lecture notes.

 Taking Notes from a Textbook

First: read a section of your textbook chapter

 Read only to understand the material
 Do not take notes

Second: Review the material

 Locate the main ideas, as well as important points
 Put the textbook information in your own words

Third: Write the paraphrased ideas as your notes

 Do not copy information directly from textbook
 Add only enough detail to understand

D. Lecture Note Taking:

Before Class
 Get the notes from any class session you have missed
 Read over your notes from the previous class
 Look at the course outline to see where you have been, where you are going, and how it all
fits together.
 Read or survey the material that will be covered in the upcoming lecture.

During Class
 Sit where you can hear and see clearly without distractions.
 Participate in class and ask questions.
 Focus on what point the instructor is on.
 Ask your instructor, or classmate to help you fill in the gaps if you think you missed one or
two important points.
 Take too many notes. You can always omit unnecessary later.
 Write down notes in your own words when possible.
 However, definitions of technical terms should be recorded exactly as given.
 Keep alert for and highlight points your instructor emphasizes verbal cues. Watch for lists
such as "the following 5 steps" or "the 4 major causes" and for summaries signaled by
words such as "consequently" or "therefore."

40
  Add examples your professor provides in order to clarify ideas and jog your memory when
studying later.
 Make eye contact with the lecturer.
 Donot be a clock-watcher.
 Date and title each set of notes and keep notes from separate.

After Class
 Review notes within 24 hours of class.
 Use margin space to fill in abbreviations, add omitted points, correct errors, and write key
words. Read notes to be sure you can clarify confusing or illegible material.
 As you read your notes, underline, highlight, or mark main points or important points you
will want to give special attention to when you study the material again for the exam.
 Elaborate your notes. Compare the information to what you already know. Write additional
information from the text into notes.
 Connect concepts to see their meaning in the larger picture- think of a summary in your
head or write it at the end of your notes.
 Talk with other students about the lecture.
 Conduct short weekly review periods. Once a week, go through all your notes again. Put
reviews on your calendar and make it a habit.
 Donot miss class!!!!! If you have to miss a lecture, ask classmate to give you her/his notes.

1.3.3. Interpersonal Skills

1.3.3.1. Communication Skill

Interpersonal communicationrefers to an exchange of messages between two or more people. It

is one’s ability to convey a message to someone else in such a way that the other person gets the
message clearly and accurately. This can be done through body language and through
wordsandtone of voice. When the receiver responds in accordance with the message conveyed,
effective communication will be ensured. It can also be defined an interpersonal process of
sending and receiving symbols with messages attached to them.

Effective communication is the ability to express oneself clearly and effectively during
interactions with other people in any given circumstances. Effective communication occurs
when the intended meaning of the sender is identical to the interpreted meaning of the receiver.
Verbal or non-verbal communication is the essence of human relationships. It is one of the most
important life skills. The mere exchanging of words or ideas does not ensure good
communication. Effective communication is a skill that can be learned and developed through
constant practice. It involves, among others: active listening, effective use of verbal and body
language, observation, respect of others’ feelings, questioning, paraphrasing and summarizing.

41
Although good communication does not guarantee an end to problems, it goes a long way toward
improving relationships and minimizing possibilities of conflict.

The following are examples of abilities in effective communication.

 Expressing ideas with logical flows
 Expressing feelings verbally with the right amount of tone of voice: in expressing anger,
sadness, happiness, nervousness, respect, shame, and so forth
 Listening and asking questions;
 Minding the non-verbal interaction during discussions: sustain eye contact, facial
expression matching verbal messages, smiling when appropriate, etc.,facial expression that
inspire trust, friendliness;
 Use minimal encouragers for people to express ideas more: such as, e.g. yes! I see! Right!
 Active listening: communicate empathy, understanding and interest using paraphrases,
summary of what they talked…
 Discuss logical issues providing facts and raising awareness

Members of strong families, friends etc. work at developing good communication skills and
spend a lot of time talking with each other. They talk about the small, trivial things as well as the
deep, important issues of life. Communication is the lifeblood of relationships. It is the way that
love and other emotions are expressed. Relationships are played out in the context of
communication. We cannot help but communicate and it is largely up to us whether the
communication in our families, friendship will be effective or ineffective. Effective
communication is learned primarily at home. When ideas and feelings are expressed

Effective communication means:

 Being open and honest, yet kind;
 Listening carefully, without distraction;
 Checking the meaning of message which are not clear;
 Trusting one another;
 Avoiding criticizing, evaluating and acting superior;
 Dealing with one issue at a time;
 Dealing with specifics rather than generalities;
 Attacking the problem, not each other;
 Having an understanding attitude

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Building Blocks to DEFINITIONS EXAMPLES
Effective Verbal
Communication
1. Listening Focusing on the present; not I feel that right now you
bringing up past problems or need me to just listen to
mistakes; creating safety to you
express anything
2. Praising Giving earned rewards You worked so long and
frequently; recognizing efforts so hard on the project.
rather than products or end
results.
3. Feeling Sharing feelings such as I feel frustrated
anger, joy, and fear
4. Using “I” statement Share your opinion and In my opinion, the work
feelings owning them was not done properly
because….
I felt disrespected and
unloved when you insult
me.
4. Respecting Letting others make their own I respect your choice.
decisions; avoiding; trying to What can I do to help
help when not needed. you?
5. Trusting Being consistent; asking for I know you will be
input and understanding that thoughtful and
people need to learn in their responsible. I see some
own ways even if they make danger in this but I need
mistakes. to let you live your life.
6. Affirming Finding the positive to You are so competent.
express. Validating people of I feel very proud of you
their intentions, feelings, when you …
abilities
Building Blocks to DEFINITIONS EXAMPLES
Effective Verbal
Communication
7. Reflective listening Reflecting what another You sound angry about
person says; paraphrasing a your friend’s response; Is
person’s words so he/she that so?
knows he/she has been heard.

43
 8. Clarifying Asking for more information Could you tell me more
when unsure about your fight with your
friend?
9. Acting (Non-verbal) Finding physical ways to Making eye contact;
show care, concern, and touching when
attention. appropriate; hugging;
staying near the person.
10 Non-judgmental Allow people to have their It may sound uncommon
own ideas, feelings, attitudes, but I hear you….
perceptions and respect it.

NOTE
To communicate effectively:
 The first step shall be listening carefully to what people say, look at their body
language as well as the words and check that you have understood their ideas and
feelings.
 Ask questions that encourage people to talk and show interest in their feelings and
what is happening in their lives.
 Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, how would it feel to be them?
 Compliment and praise people about their good points. Give them helpful criticism
if you are worried by their behavior or think they could do better.
 If people say or do things that you disagree with, do not keep quiet, say what you
think about it, given them your way of seeing things. Start with what you agree
and continue to where you have a different opinion.
 Talk about your thoughts and feelings.
 If you make a mistake, say sorry.
 If someone says sorry to you, forgive them.

The Put Off/Put on Principle

The put off/put on principle is basic to communication.

Put Off Bad Habits

We started learning to communicate from birth and some may have to PUT OFF bad habits they
have learned, e.g.
 The inability to express feelings, instead they shut off or deny emotions

44
  Yelling, shouting, nagging
 Fear of rejection or reprisal
 Unwholesome talk
 Sulkiness, withdrawal
 Messages that blame others: “You make me sick! You blame everything on me!”
 Generalized statements. “You are always negative.”
 Attaching/labeling others with destructive nicknames.

We need to put on the ability to say only what is helpful in building others up according to their
needs so that it may benefit those who listen. Put off unwholesome words that destroy, belittle,
negative, sarcastic, fault-finding, unkind, careless or cutting statements. Put on words that build,
uplift, encourage, make bold, and make the other feel it is worth being the person they intend to
be slack.

Put off “YOU” messages, Put on “I” messages:

 Instead of “You make me angry,” say “I feel angry when…”

 Instead of “You are judging and rejecting me,” say” I feel judged and rejected when…”
 Instead of “You are building a wall between us” say “I donot like the wall that seems to be
coming between us.”
 Instead of “You are blaming everything on me,” say “I feel I am being blamed for
everything.”
 Instead of “You’ve got to trust and respect me” say “I would like to develop a respectful
friendship with you again.”

1.3.3.2. Assertiveness skill

Assertiveness is an important skill for getting along with others. Being assertive means standing
up for yourself and being straightforward and honest with yourself and others about what you
need and want. Being assertive can help you protect yourself from dangerous situations and can
help you resist peer pressure to do things that you are uncomfortable doing.

People who are not assertive are often submissive. Even if they are being treated poorly, they do
not stand up for themselves. People who are not assertive often lack the confidence and self-
esteem to stand up for their own needs and to protect their feelings or body from being hurt.

Aggressiveness
• Assertiveness is very different from being aggressive. People who are aggressive are rude
and unkind. They do not care about other people’s feelings or rights. Being too
aggressive is not very good for your emotional health because, deep down, you will feel

45
 bad about being unkind. Aggressive people break their own health, relationship and
materials when they express their anger.
• Aggressive behavior is behavior that causes physical or emotional harm to others, or
threatens to. It can range from verbal abuse to the destruction of a victim’s personal
property. People with aggressive behavior tend to be irritable, impulsive, and restless.
• Aggressive behavior is intentional, meaning it’s done on purpose, violates social norms,
and causes a breakdown in a relationship. Emotional problems are the most common
cause of aggressive behavior.
• Occasional outbursts of aggression are common and even normal. Aggressive behavior is
a problem because it occurs frequently or in a pattern. Generally speaking, aggressive
behavior stems from an inability to control behavior, or from a misunderstanding of what
behaviors are appropriate.

Passiveness
 This involves failing to express our wants, needs or feelings or communicating them in
an indirect or apologetic way. When we fail to communicate our concerns or wishes, or
express them in a hesitant, joking or self-depreciating way, other people will not know
how we feel or will misinterpret our actions.
 As passive responders we allow others to 'walk over us' (the doormat syndrome). We
allow our rights to be violated in the belief that we have fewer rights, or more
responsibilities than others, and that we have less personal worth than they do.
 When someone makes a request of us we respond by meeting their demands even thought
we might feel angry at having to do so and possibly making a bad job of it on purpose.
 We do this rather than tell people our objections or simply saying 'no'. Aggression, and
passive or running away behavior is often the result of the buildup of feelings of
frustration, anxiety and anger because we have been manipulated by others through our
anxiety or guilt.

46
Assertiveness in relation to Campus life

Activity 50

Discussion points
 How can being non-assertive affect ones’ academic life?
 How can being assertive improve your personal life?

When you behave or interact in a non-assertive manner, you allow your own needs to go unmet.
There are many ways in which this could be detrimental to your academic life. One of the most
common occurs when you allow family or friends to take up time you had set aside for study.

For instance, if you have an assignment due tomorrow and your friends ask you to go out with
them tonight, a person who was non-assertive might feel unable to say ‘no’, and would end up
going out instead of doing the assignment.

Another way non-assertiveness can affect your academic life would be where you believe,
correctly, that you deserved more marks for an assignment but take the non-assertive approach of
doing nothing about it. This could make the difference between passing or failing the course
overall.

Finally, not asking for clarification of a point your lecturer has made and that you do not
understand can also be considered non-assertiveness. This could mean you miss out on some
information that is vital for the exam.

Assertiveness
Activity 51 can help you improve your communication skills, self-esteem, and decision-
making ability. It can help you overcome fear, shyness and anger. Feelings and ideas can be
Self-Assessment:
expressed Evaluate
in an honest how
way, assertive
allowing you are in the
relationships different
to become non-verbal
much ways. It enables
more genuine.
people to speak their minds without hurting or threatening others. It allows people to express
Less Assertive Assertive More Assertive
anger or disappointment without acting aggressively
Soft HANDSHAKE
The respect you give to yourself and show for other people can prompt others to deal with youFirm
respectfully.
Low Assertiveness also gives you more control over your environment, reducing anxiety
VERBOSITY High
(worry) in difficult situations. Being assertive will help you having more time to study.
Intermittent EYE CONTACT Steady

Tentative STATEMENTS Emphatic

Few GESTURES Many

Low VOICE LEVEL High

Slow VOICE SPEED Fast

47
Little Variance VOICE INTONATION Frequent Variation

Hesitant COMMUNICATION Eager

Activity 52

Assertiveness Role Plays

Let different groups play the role assigned to express assertiveness.

1. You are a freshman male student. You find one of the girls in the secondary school
nearby your college to be quite attractive. The girl is very smart and she knows what she
wants to study after completing secondary school. You offer to give her to give her
tutorial after classes and the girl is very appreciative. However, once you get her in her
house, you start making advances at her. The girl refuses. Role play what happens next.

2. You are a young second year school who has been seeing a 65 year old business man. He
has been giving you gifts and taking you to clubs and cinemas. You are now worried
about possible HIV infection and you want to ask him to use condoms. Role play your
conversation, how you initiate it and what happens.

3. You (female student) are attending a meeting to raise funds for a gender club in your
school. Every time you start to say something, an older male teacher interrupts you.
Role play the dialogue at the meeting to show assertiveness.

4. You cannot be prepared for tomorrow exam and you are getting a headache because of
the loud music your next dorm. How do you approach the neighbor in an attempt to
resolve the matter? Role play the dialogue.

5. You are in a public building and someone lights a cigarette. Smoking is not allowed in the
building and the smoke is making you sick. Role play your conversation with the smoker
and the defense of his/her actions.

6. You overhear another teacher making a rude comment about a girl in the class who has a
disability. You want the teacher to know how you feel about the comment. Role play
your conversation with the teacher.

7. You borrowed a library book for a friend and she lost it. You want her to pay for the
book. Role play the arguments you will use and the friend’s reaction.

8. You are boarding an already overcrowded mini bus taxi and the conductor shouts at you
to hurry up and get in. You prefer to wait until someone moves and makes some space
for you. Role play your conversation with the conductor and his responses.

48
1.3.3.3. Conflict Resolution Skill

Conflict resolution is the “win-win” or “no-lose” method of settling disagreements. Every

relationship has conflicts. However, conflicts do not have to end with someone losing and with
both parties hating each other. Many do end up this way. That is why we have so many wars,
political fights, divorces, law suits, business break-ups, time and money-wasting arguments in
family, at work, and in national and international conversations.Wise persons are able to resolve
disagreements with both parties satisfied and respecting each other. It takes real skill.

Begin by understanding that we each other have our own way of dealing with conflicts in our
lives. Knowing your own style and motives as well as the style and motives of the person you are
in conflict with will help you handle the situation. Also it is obvious that self-serving and hostile
underlying emotions are often the cause of disputes. The conflict may be a power struggle, a
need to prove you are right, a superior attitude, a desire to hurt or “get even”, or some other
motive.

Conflict resolution styles:

a. Avoiding or denying the conflict: such a person hopes the problem will go away.
Usually it doesnot, so this is a bad approach. But many people take it. Do you?
b. Many prefer to give in rather than fight: Sometimes they are being a martyr,
sometimes scared, sometimes seeking appreciation, etc. In any case, this is another
bad approach because it is unfair, it generates no creative solutions, and usually such
an accommodator remains very unhappy.
c. Some people get mad and blame the other person. “You ignored my authority” or
“you are totally unfair” or “you have hurt me and I want to get even”, etc. Such a
conflict becomes an ugly battle in which they must “get their way” and win at any
cost (like in a divorce settlement). This is also a terrible approach because it stops all
constructive thinking, is unfair (deceitful, threatening), and produces lasting hostility.
d. Other people appear to seek a compromise, i.e. find some middle ground, and
“work out an agreement”. That would be wonderful, if it were entirely true, but
sometimes a part of this approach is subtle but deftly trying to win more ground than
your opponent. The objective becomes trying to prove you are clever or slick. Thus,
political or social pressure, misrepresentation, threats-with-a-smile, and so on may
slip in, rather than simply seeking an optimal solution for both sides.
e. Take this creative and integrative approach. Very few people can control their
anger, competitive, and I-give-up feelings and genuinely seek an innovative, fair,
optimal solution for both parties. if you can this sounds the best.

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It is not easy to be rational during a conflict. Moreover, it may seem very unlikely that an
aggressive person would give up a chance to take advantage of an avoider (style 1) or an
accommodating person (style 2). Yet, in the long run, the aggressive person would probably be
better off if he/she worked out a fair arrangement, especially if they had an on-going
relationship. In many situations, where there will be a continuing relationship, you can find
better solutions for today’s specific conflict and also build much better long-lasting working and
loving relationships by learning the principles of constructive conflict resolution.

Activity 53

Role Play How to Negotiate Safer Sex

 Ask the students how they negotiate safe sex and what is the way that is accepted by
most of their partners?
 Be assertive, not aggressive
 Say clearly and nicely what you want (Ex: to use the condom from the start to finish)
 Listen to what your partner is saying
 Use reasons for safe sex that is about you, not your partner
 Be positive
 Turn negative objection into a positive statement
 Never blame the other person for not wanting to be safe
 Practice “TALK”
T = Tell your partner that you understand what they are saying
A = Assert what you want in a positive way
L = List your reasons for wanting to be safe
K = Know that alternatives and what you are comfortable with

1.3.3.4. Dealing with Peer Pressure Skill

Resisting Peer Pressure

Activity 54

Discussion points
a) What is peer pressure?
b) Have you ever been influenced positively by your peers?
c) What kind of peer pressure do you have to resist?
d) Can you state the strategies that would be comfortable for you to resist peer pressure?

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Peer pressure is a term describing the pressure exerted by a peer group in encouraging a person
to change their attitude, behavior and/or morals, to conform to, for example, the group‘s actions,
fashion sense, taste in music and television, or outlook on life. Social groups affected include
membership groups, when the individual is formally a member.

A person affected by peer pressure may, or may not want to belong to these groups. They may
also recognize dissociative groups with which they would not wish to associate, and thus they
behave adversely concerning that group‘s behaviors. For example, most people who smoke say
that they started or continued because of peer pressure.

Good and Bad Peer Pressure

When we say peer pressure, it doesnot necessarily refer to bad pressures only for there are good
pressures.

a) Good Peer pressure

Good peer pressure is being pushed into something that you didnot have the courage to do or just
didnot cross your mind to do. However, as you think about it, it seems like a good thing to do.

Good peer pressure can also be a situation when your friends convince you not to do something
you were going to do because it wasnot in your best interest. Some people say that good peer
pressure is when you get pushed into something that you didnot want to do and it turned out
well.

However, it is important to know whether what you are doing will turn out good or bad in order
to solve your problems. When the time comes for you to make these big decisions, it is important
to think before deciding. Take as long as you need just to think about whether you want to do it,
think about whether you should, and finally think about the consequences. These are the
important things that must be done before any big decision is made. Also, knowing who is asking
you to do something helps you make the decision. If the person is not your friend, you
shouldreally consider what they want you to do, but if you know, trust and respect this person
then you might seriously consider what he/she asks.

For each person, deciding who is your friend or not, is a difficult decision. It might be of benefit
for you to develop some sort of personal grouping system of your friends and depending on what
group they fall into will determine how strong an influence you allow them to have in your life.

b) Negative Peer Pressure

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Bad peer pressure is being coerced into doing something that you would not want to do because
your friends said that you should. Friends have a tendency to think that they know what is best
for you.

If friends are going to tell you what to do, the most basic thing that you can do is to say, No, I
donot wish to do that! Or if you want to do it, say, “Yes, give me a try!” This is where you have
to be able to say to yourself, “I made a decision and I truly feel that my decision was the correct
one.” Be able to express that repeatedly to all of your friends, and have enough respect for
yourself to stand up and not give up.

One of the major problems with peer pressure occurs when you get stuck into something that you
really didnot want to do and subsequently, become addicted to it. So, arm yourself with wisdom
and knowledge and some decision-making skills, so you can live your own life and finally accept
the consequences of doing or not doing something. For example, in order to resist bad peer
pressures, it is possible to classify friends in the following:

Not a Friend— People you usually donot associate with under normal circumstances.
Acquaintance— this group of people includes those that you might see in school, but you donot
associate with out of school. You might occasionally cross their path out of school, but you
wouldnot normally seek them out.
Wannabe Friends — these are people you might want to be friends with for some selfish
reasons, such as hoping to be more popular. People who fall into this category are never your
true friends because the foundation for the friendship does not have a solid basis.
True Friends — these are the ones in the small, close group of people that you confide in and
you know that they have your best interest in mind. The people in this group are those whose
influence on your life makes you a better person.

Knowing whom to listen to and whom to avoid is the biggest step in fighting unwanted, negative
peer pressure. Remember that it is your life and your responsibility for determining what you
make of it!

1.3.3.5. Managing Relationships

Relationship is an association between two or more people. A quality interpersonal relationship

is a relationship that is built on an understanding of oneself and others.

The important elements of a fruitful relationship are:

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Respect
 Valuing and appreciating the other person – their ideas, opinions, activities,
accomplishments, contributions.
 Showing the other person that they are valued, worthwhile, and important, even when
they are different from you.
 Respecting the other person’s rights and showing consideration.
 Encouraging the other person’s growth, activities and belief in self; showing concern for
an interest in his or her feelings, needs and wants; acknowledging other person’s feelings
and points of view; wanting what is best for the person; and helping.
 Realizing that negative criticism, name-calling and ridiculing are harmful.

Honesty and Trust

 Part of being honest is being your true self.
 To be honest, you need to communicate openly, fully and truthfully.
 Honesty is communicated when a person’s verbal communication and non-verbal
behaviour give the same messages.
 It includes admitting when you are wrong; accepting responsibility for your actions, and
bringing up issues or problems.
 Showing that you trust the other person involves believing what they tell you; allowing
the other person freedom and space to be alone, to have other friends, and to spend time
away from you.

Communication
 Humans communicate both through using words and through their actions, gestures,
facial expressions and other body language.
 Listening carefully to what the other person says without judging and accepting their
feelings, even when we don’t agree with them, are an important part of communicating
respect and empathy.
 In healthy relationships there is a balance between talking and listening.

Empathy and Understanding

 Having empathy means trying to understand the other person’s position and feelings –
trying to put yourself in their shoes and see situations from their point of view and
understand why they feel the way that they do.
 This shows a deeper understanding, particularly if communicated back to the other
person using different words.
 Understanding someone does not mean that you agree with them.

Sharing Power
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  Sharing power means that you have ‘power with’ the other person rather than ‘power
over’ them.
 When you share power, you make decisions together; seek solutions to problems that
both people agree with; are willing to compromise; have a balance of giving and
receiving; and try to share responsibilities and work equally.

Common values and attitudes

 In successful relationships the two people often have many shared or similar values. If
your values about most things differ, you may often be in conflict.
 Pressuring the other person to change their values may harm a relationship. If virginity
before marriage is valued, for example, then pressure to become sexually active may
damage the relationship.

Life is about relationships and interactions. People need goodwill, acceptance, and recognition.
How one relates to others says a lot about them. This is part of having good manners and being a
respectable member of a community. Managing good relationships require self-awareness,
integrity, and allowing others to be themselves. This creates deeper satisfaction, contentment as
well as maturity of character.

Activity 55

Role Play

1) A boyfriend and his girlfriend are together. They have been dating for two years, and they plan
to be married in one month. Up to now, they have avoided having sex. But today, the boyfriend
really starts Pressuring the girlfriend for sex. He says that, since they will be married soon, they
should “practice.” He also uses other lines to try to convince her. Perform a role play showing this
situation and how the Girlfriend can respond to this peer pressure.

2) A group of secondary school students are at an entertainment at a dance. They are dancing
and having a really good time together. One of the students takes out some alcohol from under
his or her jacket. He or she starts drinking and tries to get the others to drink, too. He or she says
that there is more to drink outside and tries to pressure others to join him or her in drinking.
Some of the students agree. Show how the other(s) could handle this pressure situation.

3) Some friends are chatting outside. One of their friends comes up to them and joins them. After
a few minutes, this person takes out some marijuana and lights it up. He or she asks the others to
join him or her. They all resist for a while, but then some of the group also smoke. One refuses to
smoke. Now, the group pressures this person to join them. Show what the person should do to
resist this peer pressure.

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The 10 points for building good human relations with your fellow, students/colleagues in
Community:
 Speak to people— there is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting.
 Smile at people— it takes 72 muscles to frown, only 14 to smile.
 Call people by name— The sweetest music to anyone‘s ears is the sound of their own
name.
 Be friendly and helpful— if you would have friends, be a friend.
 Be cordial— speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure.
 Be genuinely interested in people— you can like almost everybody if you try.
 Be generous- with praise and cautious with criticism.
 Be considerate: there are usually three sides to a controversy: your side, the other
fellows, and the right side.
 Be alert to give service— what counts most in life is what we do for others.
 Add to this a good sense of humor, a big dose of patience, and a dash of humility, and
you will be rewarded manifold.

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