Love the Way You Lie

Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the

ground? – Ronnie Winter

Many people will try and ask why domestic abuse victims don’t just leave. Leslie Morgan

Steiner responds with, “why did I stay? The answer was easy: I didn’t know he was abusing me

… it’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser because the final step in the domestic violence

pattern is kill her.”1 Leaving offers a very real threat to these women’s lives, but this doesn’t

mean they don’t try. The Domestic Abuse Shelter of The Florida Keys argues that “on average, a

woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.”2 However,

this doesn’t always work. Steiner states that, “over 500 women and girls [age 16 to 24] are killed

every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.” 3 It doesn’t

matter what nationality, race, or class you come from – domestic violence is an epidemic that

crosses all class and racial lines.

Cycles of Abuse

The longer someone is in any cycle of abuse, the longer they will stay. This cycle preys on the

victim’s feelings of fear, hope, and distorted love to continue the cycle of abuse. The Brigham

Young University-Idaho outlines the three steps in this cycle. The first step is tension. The

abuser will start being verbally abusive (i.e. threats, belittling, screaming, and arguing.) This

1
Leslie Morgan Steiner, "Why Domestic Violence Victims Don't Leave," TED, November 2012, Accessed March
13, 2019, https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave.
2
“Domestic Violence Statistics,” Domestic Abuse Shelter of The Florida Keys, Accessed March 13, 2019,
http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/InfoDomesticViolence.htm#why.
3
Steiner, "Why Domestic," TED
stage induces fear because the victim fears the threats will come true but is unable to stop it. The

second stage is violence where the threats become actualized and the abuser physically attacks

his victim. This stage induces hope as the victim knows the relationship didn’t start out with this

level of cruelty and hopes for a change. The “change” comes in step three: honeymoon. This step

is where the violence deescalates, and the abuser writes off their abuse and is once again caring

and compassionate. This stage induces love because the victim now believes the change has

happened, and they’re back to the beginning of their relationship with the “real” person she fell

for. This stage will quickly move back to step one and the cycle continues indefinitely.4 This

cycle only gets worse the longer it goes on because every time the cycle restarts, the violence

stage will escalate, and the tension stage will shorten. This only worsens her ability to get out of

the relationship because every time they get back into the honeymoon stage she believes their

relationship can stay that way, which it never can. This manipulation and false sense of security

work towards keeping these women in abusive relationships.

Power and Control Wheel

Brigham Young University-Idaho (BYUI) explains that the Power and Control Wheel is a

system of eight characteristics that work together for abusers to exert power and control over

their partner.5 This model demonstrates how physical abuse is supported by maintaining

psychological abuse. The first level BYUI explains is coercion and threats. A common example

is an abuser saying he will harm himself and/or her if she tries to leave.6 A second level is

intimidation which can be anything from an abuser balling his fists to make her believe he’s

4
“Abusive Relationships,” Brigham Young University-Idaho, Accessed March 13, 2019,
http://www.byui.edu/counseling-center/self-help/abusive-relationships
5
“Abusive Relationships,” Brigham Young University-Idaho,
6
Ibid.
going to hit her, to breaking her belongings. Then there is emotional abuse which are practices

that chip away at the victim’s self-esteem like name calling, gas lightingi, humiliation, etc. The

fourth level is isolation which entails removing the victim from their friends and family in order

to make them feel alone and helpless, so they must rely on their abuser. Another spoke is

blaming, minimizing, and denying where the abuser will try to make the victim think the abuse is

their fault, make it seem less violent than it really is, or deny the abuse entirely. Abusers will also

use loved ones; BYUI gives the examples of “threatening to take the children away” and “using

visitation to harass her” 7. The seventh level is abusing authority where the abuser will try to

demand obedience from his victim because of some arbitrary power that he naturally has. The

final factor in the Power and Control Wheel is economic control. This can be anything from

lying about how much money he has to forcing her to take a different job to suit his needs.

Four Stages

There are four stages of the Domestic Violence Pattern that abusers follow to control their

victim. Leslie Steiner claims that, “the first stage is to seduce and charm the victim.”8 This

manipulation makes is harder for the victim to notice the early signs of abuse because the idea of

this caring, timid partner does not coincide with the characteristics of an abuser. The second

stage is isolation. Steiner was removed from New York City, where all her friends and family

were, and moved to a small, isolated town. This isolation allows the abuser to intensify their

abuse because the victim doesn’t have any support systems in this new environment that can help

them. The third step is to threaten violence. Steiner’s ex-husband had brought guns into their

house to subtly tell her that she should always be afraid because he could use them at any time.

7
Ibid.
8
Steiner, "Why Domestic," TED
This stage escalates the fear in the relationship which is meant to make the victims feel helpless

and afraid to fight back against the abuse. The final stage in the domestic abuse pattern is to kill

the victim. Eventually, the abuse will get so great that either the victim will try to leave their

abuser, or the attacks will inadvertently kill them. Steiner claims that, “over 70% of domestic

violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship.”9 The longer that they stay

in stage 3, the harder it is to get out because then you must move on to stage four. The final stage

is the one these women fear most and what keeps them trapped in these abusive relationships.

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome is a phenomenon where a person who was kidnapped feels a connection

and/or sympathy towards their captor.10 This can affect women in abusive relationships because

both domestic abusers and kidnappers remove their victims from all of their outside support

systems and force them to rely on their abuser. Kathryn Westcott defines Stockholm syndrome

as having four main stages. First, the victim experiences a sudden, traumatic experience where

they feel their life is in danger.11 Then, they are not allowed to do simple things like talk, eat, or

use the bathroom without permission. Westcott defines the third step as showing small acts of

kindness so that the victim feels “gratitude for the gift of life.”12 This is when the abuser will be

more outwardly kind and loving. These good moments make the relationship seem worth it

because they’re more present than the moments of abuse. According to Westcott, stage four is

the full control where the victim believes that the person who abused (/ is abusing) them is not

9
Ibid.
10
Kathryn Westcott, " What is Stockholm syndrome?," BBC News Magazine, August 22, 2013, Accessed March
13, 2019, https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22447726.
11
Kathryn Westcott, " What is Stockholm syndrome?," BBC
12
Ibid.
the same person who is being kind to them now.13 This is the stage that most domestic violence

victims find themselves in because they end up sympathizing with and loving their abuser.

Because stages 3 and 4 build on top of each other, the longer a woman stays in this situation, the

stronger her bond is to her abuser, which in turn makes it harder for her to leave.

Impact to Children

Children who witness domestic abuse are traumatized and sometimes continue the cycle of abuse

in their own lives. The Domestic Violence Roundtable claims that “whether or not children are

physically abused, they often suffer emotional and psychological trauma from living in homes

where their fathers abuse their mothers.”14 When these kids see their mother being beaten by

their father, it leaves a lasting impression on them. They also learn through the example their

fathers set that violence and abuse are appropriate ways to deal with conflict.

A prime example of this is Leslie Steiner’s abusive ex-husband Conor. Steiner explains that

“starting at age four, [Conor] had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his

stepfather.”15 This damaged him in his formative years which made him believe that abusing the

ones you love is an acceptable way to behave. According to the Domestic Violence Roundtable,

“boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to batter their female partners as adults

than boys raised in nonviolent homes.”16 This idea is then compounded when the abuse is done

onto them too. We see this with Conor and his violent behavior towards Steiner: the trauma he

13
Ibid.
14
"The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Domestic Violence Roundtable, Accessed March 13, 2019,
http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/effect-on-children.html
15
Steiner, "Why Domestic," TED
16
"The Effects," Domestic Violence Roundtable,
harbored from his childhood started a cycle of abuse that he continued within his adult

relationships.

Women Like Abuse?

New Hampshire state legislature Mark Warden claims that domestic abuse victims “like being in

abusive relationships”, and that governments shouldn’t intervene because “people are always

free to leave.” He is saying that women enjoy these situations because “it’s a love-hate

relationship.” Warden is arguing that these women enjoy the pain and abuse that comes with the

relationship with this person that they love. 17

However, this is simply untrue – women do not want to be abused. Women are not in these

relationships because they enjoy the abuse – they’re in the relationship in spite of it. These

women believe that if they are able to stick it out, their partner can get better. Leslie Steiner said

that she believed she was the only one able to “fix” her abusive husband.18 Many women are left

so mentally broken from the months of abuse that they are unable to find a way out. Perpetuating

this misconception only further victimizes these women.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Domestic violence affects millions of people across the world. The best and easiest way to

combat this is to start talking about it. Steiner says to shine a light on this issue as “abuse thrives

only in silence,”19 and we should take on this goal as well. We must work towards

destigmatizing this issue so that more women can identify the signs of an abusive relationship

17
John Celock, "Mark Warden, New Hampshire State Legislator, Says People May Like ‘Being In Abusive
Relationships’," Huffington Post, February 27, 2013, Accessed March 13, 2019,
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/27/mark-warden-new-hampshire_n_2773889.html.
18
Steiner, "Why Domestic," TED
19
Ibid.
and have resources to get out of them. If we don’t do anything about this problem, it will only

hurt more people. It can affect someone you love like a friend, a sibling, a daughter, or worse,

the next victim could be you.

i
Gaslighting is the act of psychologically manipulating someone to make them question their own sanity / what they
believe to be true.