How

to Write and Share Humor:

Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones
and Win Fans


How to Write and Share Humor:

Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and
Win Fans
Donna Cavanagh

Copyright © 2016 by Donna Cavanagh
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without
written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Cover design by Dwayne Booth. Book design by HumorOutcasts Press.

Author photo by Pam Baumann Photography

Published 2016 by HumorOutcasts Press

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 0-692-72282-3
EAN-13: 978-069272282-4


 DEDICATION:

To Carol Sabik-Jaffe and the wonderful people at the Philadelphia Writers’
Conference and its humor workshop class of 2014. Thanks for asking me to put
the workshop into book form. Never before have I taught such an inspiring
group!

To my wonderful writers at HumorOutcasts.com How lucky I am to have
you all! You make being an HO a lot of fun.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

Putting together a book is never easy so I want to thank my technical
wizards, Ed Cavanagh, my dogs Frankie and Lulu (yes, they keep my office
going) and any other consultants who have come to my rescue with their
excellent formatting skills.
Big shout outs to Dwayne Booth, who again delivered an amazing cover
design and Pam Baumann of Pam Baumann Photography, who quieted my fear
of cameras and gave me a great photo!
Thank you to Bill Spencer for reading, critiquing and supporting this effort.
Karma will return to you tenfold.
Thanks to Dr. Nancy Berk for also lending her eyes to make sure I didn’t
bore people too much
and finally,
a big hug to the humorists who responded to my request to submit an essay.
So grateful to you all.


Contents

Foreword By Jamie Reidy
Introduction
PART I: CAN I WRITE FUNNY? 
CHAPTER I: Let’s Talk Humor
CHAPTER II: To Niche or Not Niche
CHAPTER III: Rules of the Humor Road
CHAPTER IV: The Formula Please?
CHAPTER V: Putting Together an Essay
PART II: HOW DO I GET MY WORK OUT THERE?
CHAPTER VI: Blogging, Books and Beyond
CHAPTER VII: Share And Care On Social Media
PART III: HOW CAN I GET MY BOOK PUBLISHED?
CHAPTER VIII: Can I Still be a Paperback Writer?
CHAPTER IX: Go Forth and Spread Laughter!
Humor Inspiration: Bill Y Ledden
Humor Inspiration: Bill Spencer
Humor Inspiration: Heidi Clements
Humor Inspiration: Cathy Sikorski
Humor Inspiration: Roz Warren
Humor Inspiration: Mary Farr
Humor Inspiration: Deb Martin-Webster
Humor Inspiration: Dorothy Rosby
Humor Inspiration: Keith Stewart
Humor Inspiration: Tim Jones
Humor Inspiration: Jen Tucker
Humor Inspiration: Billy Dees
Humor Inspiration: Concha Alborg
Humor Inspiration: Eric Hetvile
Humor Inspiration: Paul De Lancey
Humor Inspiration: John Chamberlin
Humor Inspiration: Con Chapman
Humor Inspiration: Thomas Sullivan
Humor Inspiration: Stacey Roberts
Humor Inspiration: Forrest Brakeman
Humor Inspiration: Theresa Wiza
Humor Inspiration: E.V. Erton
Humor Inspiration: Robin Savage
Humor Inspiration: Suzette Martinez Standring
Humor Inspiration: Kathy Minicozzi
Humor Inspiration: Maureen Sullivan


Cartoon by Phillip Dillman, author of Scripture Scribbles: Cartoons from
the Choir Loft, and More Scripture Scribbles: Cartoons from the Choir Loft.


Foreword
By Jamie Reidy

We find humor in funny places. Sometimes, even in child neglect.

In March of 2005, I published “Hard Sell: The Evolution of a Viagra
Salesman,” a lighthearted memoir of my time working for Pfizer and selling
little blue pills.

Reviewers from more than fifty outlets including The New York Times,
Fortune and CNBC all read the book.

My mother did not.

She stopped less than ten-percent in, upset that I’d given “away too many
family secrets.” (btw, I didn't think it was some big revelation that my old man
enjoys several Irish Coffees after Christmas dinner.)

The fact that Mom had yet to read it never occurred to me, since I had been
operating under the clearly delusional assumption that she’d read the 225 inkjet-
printed pages I’d mailed my parents two years prior, as soon as I’d completed
my draft. Apparently, the many other books my siblings had already published
left her uninspired to peruse mine. Oh, wait; neither my brother nor my sister
had ever published anything. Hmmmm. My folks simply did not feel compelled
to read my manuscript, letting the binder collect dust in the basement not far
from the clothes hanger/exercise bike.

I only learned about my mother’s failure to read her firstborn’s first book
because her middle child happened to be visiting home when she’d cracked the
hard cover’s spine. The instant I heard my brother’s voice on the phone, I knew
something funny had occurred. I also sensed I was the butt of the joke. Patrick
happily relayed to me that he had witnessed Mom both begin and cease reading
“Hard Sell.” Unable to contain his glee, he informed me that “the ratio of
cigarette drags and sips of pinot grigio to pages read was unsustainable.” Finally,
she closed the book at page 17. It remained closed for five years, during which
time she read a few hundred sci-fi and trashy romance novels.

In the interim, executives in Hollywood read the book, resulting in a bidding
war between two studios. I sold the film rights to 20th Century Fox. (Pro tip:
when describing somebody else’s deal, you say, “movie rights to Fox.” But when
it’s your deal, you emphasize “film” and specify every word in the studio’s
name.) The screenwriter, Charles Randolph, crafted a story very loosely based on
my memoir. (Note: there was no need to mention Charles here, but since he just
won an Oscar for co-writing “The Big Short,” I shamelessly name-dropped.
Amazing what that guy can do with quality source material, huh?)

Just before the movie Love and Other Drugs starring Jake Gyllenhaal and
Anne Hathaway premiered, my mother decided to read my book “to see what the
big deal is.” Unfortunately, she did not see the big deal. At my premiere, Mom
did, however, see on the big screen naked people having a lot of sex. At the after
party, she ditched the pinot grigio for Johnny Walker Red.

I just realized Donna, who welcomed me into the Humoroutcasts.com
family three years ago, has asked me to pen a humor book foreword, not an
application for a new therapist. My apologies. Please know I’ll be sure to
mention this gaffe in my first session.

Here’s my advice for writing humor: Write what makes you laugh.

Your mother probably won’t read it anyway.

Jamie Reidy graduated from the University of Notre Dame and served with
distinction as a U.S. Army officer... before becoming an author and an
embarrassment to his parents. His first book, Hard Sell: The Evolution of A
Viagra Salesman, served as the basis for the movie Love and Other Drugs,
starring Jake Gyllenhaal. Nobody wanted to turn either of Jamie's next two
books into movies.
 Introduction
I didn’t start out to be a humor writer. I didn’t start out to be a writer at all. I
always liked to write, and my teachers told me I possessed the talent, but never
in my wildest dreams did I think that writing would be my chosen profession.
However, somehow my life took this sharp turn down a steep hill and bulldozed
its way into journalism, business writing and dare I say it—humor.
A few years into my journalism career, I wrote a funny piece for our paper’s
holiday party making harmless fun of the editor-in-chief. When the editor, who
resembled a bald version of the cigar-chomping Perry White of the Daily Planet,
read the piece, he summoned me into his office. I was scared. I worked night-
side or the 6 PM to 2 AM shift, so for the big guy to summon me back to the
paper for 8:30 AM, it could only mean I was toast. I braced for the axe to fall;
however, I was relieved to find out that he found the entire column laugh-out-
loud funny, which stunned me because I didn’t think the man knew how to laugh
out loud. Much to my surprise, he asked for more humor for the paper.
Not long after this meeting, I resigned my post as a general reporter. With a
toddler at home, my husband in graduate school and the night shift turning me
into a zombie, I needed a change in my life—quickly. I adapted well to my new
non-deadline life, but after about a week of appreciating the fact that it was
normal for people to walk around during the day and sleep during the dark
hours, I got itchy to write again. I took my editor’s words to heart and submitted
humor pieces to every local paper I could find. Within a month, another daily
paper offered me my own column. I was floored at the opportunity and for five
years, my column The Lighter Side ran bi-weekly. I wrote about my family,
current events, politics…anything that I thought might create a chuckle. My
column received a lot of attention and some hate mail, but that’s how it goes
with humor. When a newspaper chain bought all the local papers in the area,
they essentially syndicated my column. That corporate merger catapulted me to a
national audience where I became a regular humorist for First Magazine, which
helped me find further opportunities with regional and national media.
But as they say, all good things come to an end. The internet came,
newspapers downsized and so my column was no more. A switch in editorial
staff at the magazine prompted them to go to the tear-jerker stories of cancer,
divorce, etc. It broke my heart to think that humor was considered passé.
 Although writing humor was now on the back burner, I never stopped
freelancing. I made a good living doing business articles, public relations
interviews and brochures, but I missed making people laugh. While surfing the
net, I found several sites that would allow me to share my humor. I joined
Associated Content (which is now Yahoo which is now nothing like it was years
ago) and other sites. For two years, I wrote humor, made great friends and
published several humor books, one of which (Life on the Off Ramp) became a
USA Books finalist. I enjoyed the lift that humor writing gave me. (Feel free to
put this book aside for a few seconds and check out my other books on
Amazon.com. Yes, I’m not too proud to ask. If it means a book sale, I’m good.)
But a conservative element invaded those sites, and humor writers noticed their
work being flagged or removed. In frustration, I decided that I wanted to create a
site where humor writers could be free, or almost free, from censorship.
Since our defecting humor clan considered ourselves to be OUTCASTS, I
named the site HumorOutcasts.com failing to take into account two things: 1)
the site would take off and only a few people would get the history behind the
name OUTCASTS and 2) HumorOutcasts would be shortened to HO, and we
would forever be known as the HOs. At Christmas, it’s not bad because we can
be HO, HO, HO, but for most of the year we get inquiries on what kind of
“special” services we provide.
Let’s fast forward. Within two years, HO blossomed from a site with five
writers to a site with more than 100 writers who enjoyed a place where they
could spread their creative wings. The site accepted writers who ranged from
“newbies” to well-established and award-winning TV comedy writers,
producers, authors, standup comics, filmmakers and columnists. Our reads grew
from 300 a day to 3,000 a day to sometimes as high as 20,000. It proved to be a
great deal of fun and a lot of work for both me and my editor Betsy.
Ah…Betsy. Did I mention her yet? Okay, this is the skinny on Betsy. I made
her up. I wanted HO to be a submission site, which meant some people were
going to get rejected. We couldn’t accept every writer, or else HO would turn
into the mess that many of the bigger sites had become. Plus, my goal was to
build audiences for my writers and how could I do that if I let everyone on the
site? I needed someone who could reject writers, and I did not have the
proverbial “balls” to carry out that task. But Betsy did. It wasn’t hard creating
the persona. Elizabeth is my middle name and Dickinson is for Emily Dickinson,
my favorite poet. As it turned out, Betsy was a natural on social media, and she
thrived. She had her own Facebook page, and she ran HumorOutcasts with an
iron but gentle hand. She led quite the life. She was a USC graduate who liked
the great outdoors. A gay friend who knew about Betsy asked me to make her a
lesbian, so poof! she was a lesbian. Needless to say, everything was okay until
Betsy started to get asked to do interviews, was nominated for a media award
and received lots of requests for alumni contributions from her alma mater.
Who knew I could be jealous over my alter ego’s success! And on top of all
the hoopla, I was mixing up my identities. I was answering Betsy’s emails in my
Donna voice and vice versa. I decided it was time for Betsy to go. She was
becoming more trouble than she was worth, so it became plain to see that I had
to kill her off. I had envisioned this great dramatic ending where she would be
lost spelunking in some massive cave in Utah while honeymooning with her
lesbian lover. I thought that since she lived life with such gusto, she should die
the same way. In the end, Betsy decided she wanted to go out quietly. Yes, she
told me that…don’t judge me.
While Betsy no longer exists, her social media accounts do, and very few
people have noticed that she’s officially gone. She still gets email, and I still
answer it. But if it is hate mail from an offended reader—a daily occurrence
when one runs a humor site—I just tell the “offended” that we are sorry they
don’t like HO, but we don’t care since we are in mourning as Betsy died
suddenly. That bit of sad news usually throws the haters off balance and makes
them feel like crap which brightens my day. I think had I gone through with
Betsy’s faux funeral, her demise would have had a more lasting effect, but Betsy
didn’t take advantage of the discounted final expenses insurance offered by her
supposed alma mater, and I’m pretty sure the IRS would have frowned upon my
taking the funeral as a business expense, so we settled on a private service,
which in truth was no service at all.
Rewind just a bit: Two years after HO hit the internet scene, some of my
writers asked if I could help them publish their books. What they found out was
the publishing world had changed and humor, while always a pariah for
publishers, had reached a new level of “pariahdom.” In fact, rumor has it that
publishers and literary agents hung garlic outside their doors to stave off the
unwanted advances of humor writers seeking representation. Yes, we were the
vampires and undead of the literary world and not the six-pack, sexy vampires of
the movies today. No, we were the icky, creepy ones that gave us nightmares as
children. And this is how our partner publishing house HumorOutcasts Press was
born. We didn’t hang out garlic. We welcomed humorists into our fold, and as
our catalog grew, so did requests for publishing services from non-humor
authors. Not wanting to shut out any talented writer, we expanded our services to
include Shorehouse Books for non-humor genres (HOPress-
ShorehouseBooks.com). Again, I was in the right place at the right time because
three years later, we have more than 40 titles available, authors contacting us
daily for help and a business imprint, Corner Office Books, in production.
What does all this have to do with me teaching you about writing humor?
Well, as it turns out, twenty-plus years of my stories, experiences and publishing
credentials made me in demand for teaching gigs at writing conferences such as
the Philadelphia Writers’ Conference and the Erma Bombeck Writers’
Workshop. It was in Philadelphia where my class—those wonderfully receptive
and inspiring people who stayed with me for three days—asked me to transform
the workshop into this book. So, almost two years later, here it is.
This book is not meant to be a textbook. It is a guide for budding and
established writers who want to know more about writing humor essays or
bringing humor into speeches or non-humor articles. My original title for this
book was What I Have Learned in My More Than Twenty Years of Humor
Writing, but that title didn’t pass the beta test. But it did express the theme of the
book quite well. I have separated the book into three sections:
Part I focuses on my workshop topics, which encompass mostly the
construction of humor essays as well as articles with an infusion of humor. I will
cover everything from developing an idea to building an essay using “humor
helpers.” As I said above, if you are a non-humorist looking to bring a bit of
laughter into an article or speech, the techniques in this book will help you too.
This book does not go into the world of comedy novels or large works of fiction.
I will leave that task for another time. I wanted this book to be an easy-to-follow,
first stepping stone on the path to humor.
Part II of this book shares my experiences about building a humor audience.
In this section, I will discuss avenues for your writing such as blogging, the
types of blogs and how to build audiences through social media. I will go
through some social media tips for the various platforms that are out there such
as Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, StumbleUpon and LinkedIn.
Part III of this book will talk about the new and exciting publishing world
for those who are ready to take that next step. Every day, I hear from writers who
lament the fact they can’t get a publisher. There are options, and this book is
going to talk about them.
I hope this book gives you the confidence and tools to take on the humor
genre. I hope you realize what I realized years ago—that humor is not the bane
of the publishing world, but the jewel of the publishing world. Humor is an
essential part of life. It gives us the strength to survive the worst crises. It allows
us to keep going day after day even if we binge watch FOX News and are scared
out of our wits. Humor is our lifeline. In short, which I might be in stature but
never in word count, humor is serious business, and we should never
underestimate its power or value.
 My journey through humor has made me not only a writer but a mentor as
well. There is a connotation to the word “mentor,” and it’s a commitment I don’t
take lightly. I tell my writers and those aspiring writers to contact me. I’m okay
with that. If you need some advice, the sound of a human voice (writing is such a
solitary activity), you can email me, and we can set up a time to chat. Don’t be
afraid to reach out. If you get a response from Betsy, be very afraid and run for
the hills, but on a positive note, she will pass on the message.
As a bonus for this book, I added Humor Inspiration pages. These are
contributions from some of the writers of HumorOutcasts.com, my HOPress-
Shorehouse Books authors and other humorists I admire as well. No two
humorists are the same in how they approach their craft. It’s fun to learn about
different writers and their process and what inspires them to do the “humor
thing.”
So in closing, here’s to the wonder of humor. May you see it in your
everyday life, and may you want to share it with the world.
Donna
www.HumorOutcasts.com
[email protected]




 
 PART I: CAN I WRITE FUNNY? 

Some writers do not know they are funny. Some writers can’t put their
funny into words, and some want to use humor to loosen up their audience. How
hard is it to write funny?
 CHAPTER I: Let’s Talk Humor

A few years ago, while surfing the net, I came across this great quote from
author and literary analyst Michael Cart. I found Mr. Cart on LinkedIn and asked
him to follow me, but I got no response. However, in his defense, and as anyone
on LinkedIn knows, if a person you don’t know asks you to be a connection, that
person is probably a stalker. Yep, LinkedIn is the most paranoid social media
platform available, and it makes people crazy with suspicion, but I still like it.
Anyway, back to the quote from Michael Cart, which I assume is correct
because I did read it on the internet and everything you read on the internet is
true so…
“Humor is the Rodney Dangerfield of Literary genres. It gets no respect.”
That quote blew me away. It is so profound that it deserved to be centered,
italicized and put in quotation marks. And it is one hundred percent true. We all
know we like to laugh. We watch comedians, sitcoms and funny movies. Our
Facebook feeds are saturated with funny pictures, headlines and witty sayings.
While I have no scientific data to back this next statement up, I would guess that
humor is the fourth most popular type of post on Facebook. Posts about puppies,
kittens and, of course, the consumption of wine seem to grab the top three spots.
Despite its amazing popularity, humor still is the black sheep of the literary
world. It’s a mystery as to why this is. My guess is that those in the “real writing
and reading world” put down humor because they struggle writing humor, and
that fact ticks them off.
HUMOR IS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT GENRES TO WRITE
I don’t mean to burst your bubble so soon out of the starting gate, but a lot
of people do NOT write humor well. And I’m not just talking about the ability to
write jokes or humorous essays. I’m talking about possessing the ability to
infuse humor into their work even a tiny bit. It’s a difficult task and not for the
weak hearted. Humor, if not done well and even if done well, can be
misconstrued, judged or viewed as offensive. So you have to be careful with
your words and project how they will affect your life and those in your life.

Who should not write humor?
Anyone who hates to laugh
 Anyone who finds no humor in everyday life
Anyone who needs to be liked all the time
Anyone who is afraid to be offensive
Anyone who must declare out loud to the world as often as
possible how hysterically funny he or she is (if you have to
keep telling people you are hysterical, there’s a better than
ninety percent chance you are not hysterical).

What are some of the major challenges to writing humor?
It is hard to translate the cadence of spoken word to written
word.
It is hard to create descriptions that paint your story in a
humorous way.
It is hard to create dialogue that represents the tone of the story
you want to tell.
It is hard to let go of inhibitions that have plagued you since
you left the womb.
Don’t fret. In this book, we will cover many of these challenges
for you. So take a deep breath and read on.
 CHAPTER II: To Niche or Not Niche

I guess if we want to truly understand the humor genre, we should start at
the beginning and ask
“What is humor?” I could give you the dry dictionary definition, but that’s
boring. Instead, I’m going to give you my definition. Humor makes us smile,
chuckle or laugh so hard coffee shoots out our noses when we read and drink at
the same time. Humor tickles our funny bones and transforms a bad mood into a
good mood. Humor is powerful stuff. In case anyone is wondering, comedy is a
category under humor and is defined as a humorous art form, which can be
written or oral and results in physical laughter. There are also many sub-genres
of humor. Some of the more popular include:

Observational Humor - Finding comedy in everyday life from
your neighbor’s habit of walking around outside in his
underwear to funny road signs
Situational Humor - From trips to the emergency room to
getting pulled over for a ticket to finding snakes in your bed—
sure they sound terrible, but if they are not happening to you,
they can be pretty funny.
Satire - Making fun of culture, society, politics, religion, etc.
Bathroom Humor - Fart and poop jokes never to go out of
style.
Relationship and Family Humor - Spouse and kids and all that
goes with these topics, plus dating and divorce
Stage of Life Humor - This can sometimes overlap with
relationship humor as it encompasses topics such as empty
nest, middle-age crisis, mommy bloggers, widowhood and
menopause.
Caustic or Snarky Humor (takes no hostages) - No one is
protected from witty barbs.
Melting Pot Humor - In this category I include everything from
silly or funny photos with captions to fictional essays.


Do I have to find a niche?
Let’s assume you have the gift for humor but you don’t know what to do
with this gift. The number one question budding humorists ask is “What should I
write about?” I might be a rebel here, but this is my take on this sensitive topic.
From day one in classrooms, kids and adults are taught “WRITE WHAT YOU
KNOW.” I’m not against this advice for beginners, but I am against that advice
if two years down the road, you are still writing only what you know. Talk about
boring. Writing is fluid; writing is a journey. Make sure you book the trip and
take that journey to the unknown or else you might find yourself stuck in a pile
of mediocrity with no hope of escape. That sounds so dramatic, right? Okay, you
might not die in a pile of mediocrity, but you will be trapped until you get the
guts to try some fresh material. Take some chances!
I hear what you are saying: “I need a niche; I need a niche.” And, yes, to an
extent that is true. You are not going to write about being a single dad if you are
a polygamist with twenty-two kids. You are not going to write medical humor if
you vomit when you get a paper cut. However, recognize the limitation to your
niche. You cannot still be a “mommy blogger” when your kids have received
their own AARP cards. You cannot be known as the menopause maven when
your hot flashes and dry vagina turned cold a decade ago. In other words, it’s the
theory of Natural Selection: adapt or become extinct. Be creative, move on,
push that envelope and find your funny elsewhere. It’s okay to leave a niche
behind so you can grow as a writer.
One other point while we are talking about what to write. Humor does not
mean your entire life has to be an open book. Sure, write about experiences, but
be careful. Not everyone in your life will delight in the fact that they are put on
public display. Learn the difference between writing about experiences in a
humorous way and humiliating your friends, family and possibly yourself.
 
Writing Exercise:
Write down what makes you laugh. Why do you find these topics so
funny? Can you come up with five subjects that tickle your funny bone?
Turn that idea into five sentences.

___________________________________________________________________________
 CHAPTER III: Rules of the Humor Road
Are there any rules for humor?
Yes. You might not like them, but here they are:

Rule #1: Trust your gut
Writers long for approval, but alas, writers are in a profession where that
approval is not so easy to come by—especially when it comes to humor. Why?
Humor is subjective. What you find funny, your mother or best friend might
hate. There is no scientific way to figure out who will laugh at what, so you are
on your own as a writer. YOU HAVE TO RELY ON YOU AND YOU ALONE.
You cannot be funny if you are trying to appease each individual’s sense of
humor. Face the fact that not everyone is going to like you or what you write.
You will be at your best when you trust your own gut and stop looking for
approval. When you write for your sense of humor, you stand the best chance of
keeping your work fresh and also attracting new people to your work.
I know writers who send out their work to at least 10 people before they
submit it anywhere, and they are always crushed when at least five of those
people want to edit it, critique it or just plain hate it. To these writers I say, “You
got what you deserve. You broke the cardinal rule of writing. You wrote for
someone else and not yourself. You lost your voice.”
When I write a humor piece, I read it aloud and if it makes me laugh, I go
with it. I am no different from other writers. I suffer the same insecurities and
need for approval, but after almost thirty years in this business, I have learned to
push those feelings aside and trust myself. Am I always successful? NOPE. I
wrote some pieces that sank faster than the Titanic. They didn’t work. I don’t
know why they didn’t work. Maybe the people reading the paper or magazine
did not subscribe to my politics, religious views or attitudes of life—or perhaps
they don’t embrace the same sense of humor. This happens. Get over it and
move on and NEVER let the “clunkers” sabotage your gut instinct.

Rule #2: Read humor; read drama; read
I read mysteries and thrillers. Yes, I write humor, but I am addicted to
mystery novels. Why? Because they give me the chance to step back and see life
through another genre. Mysteries keep me thinking, which keeps me writing,
which keeps me creating more humor pieces. Mysteries might have nothing to
do with humor but they spur my creative soul.
I also read other humorists. I don’t read a lot of them because I find that in
today’s world of easy posting on the internet, there is a lot of repetition, and I get
bored. But I love to read non-famous or “newbie” writers, and the reason for this
is that these non-established writers often possess more enthusiasm than a
humorist who has written the best seller or the hit sitcom or screenplay. There is
nothing like the enthusiasm of someone starting out. It’s engaging, contagious
and courageous.

Rule #3: Open your eyes to see the funny in almost every life moment or
event
Not all events in life offer oodles of funny, but in almost any experience, we
can find a hint of humor. In other words, the event might not be funny, but the
cast of characters and the situations that develop around an event might present
humor. For example: Your elderly uncle dies. All your extended family goes to
the service. These are people you only see at weddings and funerals so what
happens? You catch up with them. You laugh; you reminisce; you poke fun at the
Elvis impersonator who came to the wake; you talk about your vacation and the
shark encounter you had scuba diving; you laugh when someone trips into the
coffin and makes the body jump. Hey, stuff happens. The event itself is not
funny, but what goes on around the event can have its humorous moments. I am
not saying to be disrespectful. I am saying that sadness brings humor to the
surface. We need humor even in the toughest situations.
This brings up another point that many budding humorists ask: Can I write
about anything? Is there any topic that is off limits?
I would say, personal experiences are yours to share and it’s your decision to
share them with humor or no humor. Usually, when a writer shares a sad event in
his or her life and introduces humor into the mix as a way to deal with that sad
event, readers get it. They understand that humor in many situations possesses
therapeutic qualities.
Personally, I don’t write about or poke fun at catastrophic occurrences. I am
not saying they are always off limits, because good satirists or humorists can
show with their words why these events should never repeat. Another important
aspect of humor is that it dispels fear, and once fear becomes neutralized and
people laugh, the world has more hope. So humor in these situations can be
healing. There is a definite fine line when pairing catastrophe and humor. There
are many talented humorists and satirists who know how to walk that line with
skill. Since I am one of those people who can’t text and walk at the same time, I
choose to leave some topics to those more talented than I am.
So, if you are not comfortable on that tight rope, don’t jump on it. Some
topics will always be fodder for the humor mill and these include politics,
politicians, corporations, high-profile celebrities, sex scandals, etc. Sorry to say,
but once people put themselves into the limelight, they have to expect some
degree of comic criticism.
Is anyone a target for humor?
I know humorists who create family members for their work because their
real families would die of humiliation if they came to life in comic essays or
columns. So know your targets before you expose them to the world. Maybe
Aunt Gladys does not want your readers to know she has webbed feet, or maybe
Cousin Willy is not proud of the fact he did a nickel in the joint for loan
sharking. (Can you tell I watch ID TV?)
 Rule #4: Carry a notebook
Yes, have one with you all the time. Ideas will come to you when you least
expect it and if you don’t write them down, you will forget. You will say, “Ok,
I’ll remember that.” But you won’t. And don’t rely on your smartphone or tablet
to keep these ideas. I don’t know the science behind it, but there is something
about pen to paper that truly starts the inspiration flowing. Go to the dollar store
and buy a small notepad that can fit in your pocket or purse and a pen—they still
make both. Wait until you see what your observations unlock in your mind! You
will be astounded—some of you might be frightened—and if you are one of the
frightened, there are quite a few self-help books that can address these thoughts
too.

Rule #5: Meditate
Uh oh! I said that word and half the readers said, “Another artsy fartsy
writer” while tossing this book away. But come back. This is painless; I promise.
You don’t have to contort your body into weird positions or light incense or even
develop a mantra word. You just have to learn to relax and let your mind go.
Let’s learn a few things about meditation from an expert and then you can decide
to follow this rule or not.

“Meditation can be a life changing practice. It is beneficial for so
many aspects of life. I am particularly fond of mindfulness meditation as it
is about non-judgmental awareness of the present moment. Meditation
lowers blood pressure, reduces anxiety and depression, decreases tension
related pain, increases serotonin- production which improves mood and
behavior and improves the immune system.

With regular meditation practice (it can be just 10 minutes a day)
meditation changes your brain. It brings the brainwave patterns into a
relaxed state that promotes a feeling of greater clarity, calmness, joy and
creativity.

In order to get in touch with your inner comedian, meditation is a
direct highway to that part of your brain. We are so often in our heads
(dwelling in the past or worrying about the future) and that is of no help to
us ever, especially when we are writing. Those fears and worries create
mental blocks to our inner well of creative juice. When we release that by
 coming back in to the present moment (which meditation helps us do) we
are able to access that part of ourselves more freely.”

Melissa Schnapp is founder and president of LifeStep Coaching, LLC.

See, I knew this would make you want to find a quiet place to rest and
cleanse your brain

Rule #6: Let go of the conventional grammar rules
Part of the problem to humor gaining little respect from the academic
community is that humorists take liberties with grammar. And we have to do
that. Humor is one of the few genres where you can throw some of the grammar
rules out the window. Humorists need the freedom to play with words and
dialogue to bring home the funny. In a perfect world, perfect grammar would
make us giggle, but it does not. So, for those who need official dispensation to
go AWOL from grammar rules for the sake of humor, here it is. Have fun, break
a few rules and let your humor fly free! We will go into some “rule-breaking”
techniques in a later chapter.

 Rule #7: Learn to laugh at yourself
Humorists need a tough skin. Why? Well, along with learning to laugh at
life’s situations, you have to learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t be afraid to show
off your weaknesses, mistakes or foibles. When you poke fun at yourself, you
are allowing your audience to relate. I am the queen of the klutzy moves. I am
still not allowed to handle a knife in my mother’s house, and I am over 50 years
old. I have a round face that would make the smile emoji jealous, and I have hair
that makes Ronald McDonald’s hair look tame. In other words, there is a lot of
self-deprecating humor going on. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I don’t write about
this constantly. If you do nothing but poke fun at yourself, readers will view you
as needy, whiny and will pity you instead of laugh at your attempt at humor. For
example: I had a writer submit to HO three essays which all focused on her
weight issues. The first one, I laughed at as who can’t identify with the trials and
tribulations of dieting, but by the middle of the second essay, I found myself no
longer laughing at this woman but feeling sorry for her. By essay three, I was
completely depressed and ate a sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. So make
fun of yourself and your quirks and your life situations, but do not “weigh
down” your readers with your troubles—be they dieting, medical issues,
criminal investigations…well, you get it. Leave some mystery.
Some writers tell me they have no family or friends to use for their humor.
The people in their lives want no part of their writing dreams. No biggie. Why
not go the fictional route? I know humorists who make up family members,
friends, co-workers, pets and their own personas just to avoid the potential
problems that might evolve when writing about the real people in their lives.
Humor always stretches the truth a bit, but some close to home might not accept
that. So, if divorcing your real family and adopting a fake one helps you be a
better humorist, go for it.
 Rule #8: Start Writing
You will never know if you can swim if you don’t get into the water. Let’s
have some fun and start writing.
Write for yourself. Each day write something—anything. Keep a journal,
create a blog (Part II of this book), do whatever it takes to develop the discipline
to write at least once a day. You don’t have to be perfect; just get used to the idea
of writing daily. Once you commit to this idea, writing becomes less intimidating
and more enjoyable.
 
Writing Exercise:
Write down memories of past embarrassing moments and see if you can
turn mortification into mirth.
 
___________________________________________________________________________
 CHAPTER IV: The Formula Please?

During my journalist years, I interviewed a romance writer who lived not far
from me. By day, she was a van-driving, girl scout-leading, soccer mom who
was married to a plumber, but by night she morphed into this sultry vixen who
wrote novels that I’m sure would make the readers of 50 Shades of Grey blush. I
remember being in awe of this mild-mannered woman—who lived in Lancaster
County—yes, the Amish Country—and her ability to pen the steamy scenes that
made her books popular with her fellow housewives and their husbands as well.
“It’s all about the formula,” she told me. “The publisher gives me a plan,
and I know that on page 236, I have to insert a sex scene that hits certain criteria.
I know when I have to talk about the first kiss, the foreplay, the actual sex act,
etc. The formula is the reason I can turn out five novels per year.”
The romance novelist’s words were not a revelation to me. I knew writing
formulas existed because magazines used them as well. Before I would query
any magazine, I would study their articles to see what formula they followed. I
would analyze the lead paragraphs and count how many paragraphs there were
before the first quote appeared—these were their “tells.” When I got down their
formula, I knew I would be successful when submitting a query or article “on
spec,” and I knew I would get future assignments.
But to be honest, humor is a bit different. Sure, there are certain humor
helpers that writers can use to draw in their readers, but is there a
formula?
No. There is no formula. Well, that was blunt—but true—sort of. We all
know humor when we read it or hear it, but to create it can prove to be a
daunting task. Many novice humorists fall into the trap where they assume that
each line of their essays or articles has to drip with non-stop funny. They believe
that if their readers haven’t died of a coronary from laughing too hard, they have
failed in their attempt to be a humorist. To this I say, “Phooey!” Yes, I know this
is a strong word, but I have reasons for this outburst. Here is what I say to both
new humorists who are looking for the big laugh or to non-humorist writers who
are hoping to add levity to an otherwise dry or tension-filled topic.
Your Writing Should Reflect Your Sense of Humor. In other words, be
true to you. Do you like subtle or reserved humor? Do you like one-liners? Do
you like wordplay? What makes you laugh? Writing humor should not be
torture. It should be fun. I know that sounds simplistic, but it’s the truth. In this
chapter, we are going to explore some of the most common humor helpers. You
can use one of the helpers or all of them. That’s up to the humorist who lives
within your soul. I need to extend a caveat here. You will see that I am big on
caveats. These “tricks” are helpers and should not overshadow the integrity of
the work. Yes, humor writing possesses integrity. Let the humor helpers enhance
your creativity but not be your creativity. (So deep—right?)

Humor Helpers

When you read humor from different writers, you will see that each writer
sets the pace for an essay or story. Some writers get right to the laughs and
continue the jokes non-stop throughout the piece. You can feel the frenzy. Other
writers meander through their story. They deliver subtle bits of humor that
entertain you. Sometimes you laugh out loud and at other points in the story you
simply smile. There are humorists who are experts at the element of surprise.
They lull you into a calm and then blast you with the “funny” when you least
expect it. As the writer, you want to set the pace and surprise your reader. How
do you do this?
Sentence Length: Do you want your essay timing to be quick and
emphatic? Short and to-the-point sentences might be ideal. Do you want your
reader to feel the exasperation, fear or futility of an experience or situation? If
that’s the case, maybe you need long complex sentences where readers can
barely take a breath because they are reliving your experience through your
words. Use punctuation helpers like the em-dash (--) or the ellipsis (…) to
identify a distinct pause or show hesitation, confusion, etc. Play with sentence
length, but do not be afraid to vary it as your story or essay progresses. Sentence
length will help reflect your emotion.
Punctuation: Most of the punctuation rules apply in humor, but some
writers tend to rely on exclamation points to get the emotion across to the reader.
STOP THAT!! Oops, I did it too—and doubled it! Seriously, use exclamation
points sparingly. Rely on your storytelling ability to convey emotion.
Verb Voice: USE ACTIVE VOICE WHENEVER POSSIBLE. Active
voice harnesses the energy of a piece. It allows readers to be the co-pilot in the
adventure. Are there times when the writer needs to use passive voice? Yep,
especially in humor, so don’t beat yourself up if you bring in passive voice once
in a while. But find those verbs that represent what it is you want to convey to
your reader. I use an old-fashioned tool known as a thesaurus. Don’t have a
paperback copy? Find one online and consult it often. Another caveat: Don’t
pick out words from the thesaurus you would never use in your daily life.
Writing humor should not turn into a vocabulary contest or a rehearsal for the
SATs. Change up your wording without giving up your voice.

Adjectives and Adverbs: I like adjectives far better than adverbs. Adverbs
offer quick clarity, but they are a cheap writing tool. Stick to action verbs and
descriptive language and leave the adverbs out unless absolutely necessary. See,
I used absolutely, but I thought it necessary. If you use an adverb, don’t panic.
There is no need to jump off a bridge in shame as some grammarians might
suggest. Adverbs do exist for a reason, so if you need one, use it.

Alliteration: Alliteration is the repetition of initial consonant sounds in two
or more neighboring words. Alliteration enhances humor whether it’s used in a
title or in the middle of an essay. Alliteration holds great power, but if it’s
overused, it will distract your reader and kill the funny.

EXAMPLES:
Similar Sounds Spark a Sense of Silliness.
the Perturbed and Peeved Parent

Similes and Metaphors: A Simile is a figure of speech where two
dissimilar things are compared with the help of words such as “like” or “as.” I’ll
just jump into the example here as the definition is sort of boring.

EXAMPLES:
Her cheeks were red like a rose.
His ego was as fragile as a plate of glass on the back of a pickup
truck.
She was as shallow as a kiddie pool.

A metaphor is a figure of speech that makes a less obvious comparison
between two things that are unrelated.

EXAMPLES:
He is the black sheep of the family.
Her confession was music to my ears.

Make it Bigger or Exaggerate: To put it simply, exaggeration overstates a
situation, and it is a wonderful descriptive tool. One caveat for exaggeration: If
your entire humor piece is exaggeration, your reader won’t be able to tell truth
from fiction and your piece loses all validity, and that’s not a good idea if a
writer is trying to relate a real-life experience. So use this humor helper, but use
it wisely.
I loved using exaggeration in the following real-life happening when a
squirrel decided to come indoors. Everything that occurred is true. I still cannot
be sure if I exaggerated in the column or if I exaggerated in real life while this
was going on. I’m pretty sure I still suffer from PTSQD or Post-Traumatic
Squirrel Disorder. Here is an excerpt from “The Day of the Squirrel” when I
trapped the rodent in my daughter’s playroom.

EXAMPLE:
The squirrel crouched in the corner and shook with fear. Personally, I think
it was overwhelmed by the hot pink paint, the Barbie border and the thousand or
so naked dolls strewn around the room. If I were that small, I know this room
would frighten the hell out of me. Amazingly, I came to my senses and slammed
the door shut trapping the rodent inside. Then I made plans.

I called my husband at work to calmly tell him of the situation. I thought I
was doing pretty well. His voicemail came on and what I planned to say was,

“We have a squirrel in the house; what do you think is the correct
procedure?” What came out was,

“Where the hell are you? Why aren’t you ever at your damn desk? Get
home! There’s a huge rodent in the Barbie room and it’s chewing the heads off
all the dolls!”

With that task done, I hung up. I then tried his cell number. Voicemail
again. So, I left another well-thought-out message. In the meantime, I called
exterminator after exterminator. Very few handle squirrels. Finally, one nice
guy answered the phone, and I said,

“Help me. I have a squirrel trapped in my bedroom, please come now.”

The man must have sensed the panic in my voice. He took my address and
told me he’d be there as soon as possible—in about an hour and a half.

 I don’t think I need to mention that it was a long ninety minutes. When the
exterminator did arrive, I met him at the door–still carrying my rake, of course.
We crept up into the hallway and prepared to fling open the door. We assumed
“Starsky and Hutch” positions. I thought we should call for back up, but he
assured me he could handle the perpetrator himself. He went in and shut the
door behind him. I heard furniture move, and I thought that the rabid rodent was
eating him for lunch. But within a minute he came out and announced he didn’t
find the squirrel. Instead, he showed me a stuffed mermaid doll and said,

“This is probably what you saw.”

“I don’t think so,” I chuckled politely while tightening the grip on my rake.
“Come see the damage to my three-week-old, garden bay window.”
from Life On The Off Ramp, Donna Cavanagh, 2010

Daffynitions: A combination of the words daffy and definition, a
daffynition is a humorous and often twisted definition of an English word. These
definitions can be puns or a twisted meaning of a common word.

EXAMPLES:
Legend – where the foot begins
Porcupine – when you crave sausage or bacon
Avoidable – what a bullfighter tries to do
Cannibal- someone who is fed up with people


The Rule of Three: I love the Rule of Three. It is easy, fun and provides an
unseen ending to a good humor piece. How does it work? Well, in the traditional
strategy, the writer sets up a premise and pretends to support the premise with
three related ideas. Here’s the twist: the first two ideas do support the premise,
but the third idea adds an unexpected humorous end that catches the reader off
guard which causes him or her to laugh (hopefully).

EXAMPLE:

The Mysterious Woman of Mars

The internet is all in a tizzy over the mysterious photo NASA received from
Mars. The image in question shows what UFO experts (the experts who think
aliens created the pyramids and Donald Trump) say is a long-haired woman
walking upon the rocks on the red planet.
Scientists have presented three theories of their own and believe the figure is
most likely one of the following:
1. Dust on the lens of the Mars camera
2. Light reflecting off a rock formation
or
3. Amelia Earhart

Donna Cavanagh, Humoroutcasts.com

There is an alternate Rule of Three as well. It’s not considered a true humor
tool, but in my book it packs as big a punch. In this Rules of Three, each item in
the list has a humorous feel and builds to the final twisted punch line.

EXAMPLE:

The End of Men

Scientists have determined that the Y chromosome will die out in five million
years and men will become extinct. What does this mean for the future of the
world?
1. Toilet seats will no longer be made to flip up.
2. The Catholic Church will finally ordain women as priests.
3. Lesbians, lesbians, lesbians.

Donna Cavanagh, Humoroutcasts.com

Sarcasm: We all know sarcasm when we hear it, but can we write it? In its
definition, sarcasm is a humorous remark that on the surface seems to be
complimenting someone but in truth it is criticizing or cutting someone down.
When done right, sarcasm can be a great literary device, but sarcasm can be
interpreted as mean-spirited, so use caution as to the amount of sarcasm you use
in one particular piece.

EXAMPLES:
Those cooking classes really paid off. (This is not sarcasm if the meal
is good, but if you are running to the bathroom after one bite, I would think
sarcasm.)
 Stuffing your face with those doughnuts is a great way to train for the
marathon.

.


Irony: The use of words to express the opposite of the literal meaning of the
real meaning. Irony can be a close companion of sarcasm.

EXAMPLES:
That was a nice surprise! (It is nice if you got a big bouquet of roses,
but if you come home to your home being burglarized—well, that is an
ironic statement.)
My neighbors have a three-pound teacup terrier named Killer.
Breaking News: A committed vegan got attacked by a runaway cow.
The new Weight Watchers site is next to the Doughnut Shop, Chinese
Take-out and pizza parlor in the new shopping center. Well, that might not
be irony as much as good marketing. But you get my point.


Making Lists: To me, lists are the big brother of the Rules of Three. List
building allows you to build momentum and come in for the “kill” at the end of a
piece or it allows the writer to keep a constant wave of laughter throughout an
essay. Lists can be phrases or short sentences or they can be mini-stories in their
own right. Today’s readers love brevity, and the lists allow a writer to pen a
longer piece while delivering short spurts of information throughout the essay
that keep a reader’s attention. In other words, lists not only engage readers, keep
their minds focused on the work.

EXAMPLE:

How to Avoid Ghosts and Other Paranormal Fun

Last night while flipping through the channels, I came upon the show
Celebrity Ghost Stories. I have to say Hollywood’s stars have some pretty creepy
experiences to share.
During this episode, I watched Christopher Knight, Margaret Cho and some
unfamiliar actress tell their real-life ghostly encounters. Are these things real?
Sure, why not? Who am I to judge? I plan on coming back and wreaking havoc
on unsuspecting living people. Why? Because I can and there are some people
who I would like to drive to the brink of insanity—I think it would be fun.
Personally, I think ghosts are okay guests as long as they are not ghosts who
insist on taking over the house or the person living in the house as was the case
with the unfriendly demons in The Exorcist or Amityville Horror. The celebrity
ghostly encounters got me thinking about house hauntings, so I have come up
with a few rules which should help both celebrities and regular people avoid
paranormal and possession mayhem.

Don’t move into a house with a history - By history I mean “crime” history.
Murder, suicide—anything violent is a sign that this house might not be for you.
Okay, say the seller forgets to disclose the fact that six people were murdered in
the house, and you move in only to discover that a few weeks down the road,
your five-year-old kid drops the F-bomb constantly while his head makes 360-
degree spins. Should you be alarmed?
Yes, you should be very alarmed, and you need to leave. This is my problem
with these shows. People stay in houses even after a once sweet spouse grows
horns on his or her head and displays glowing red eyes which were once baby
blue. They blame the demon transformation on everything from the weather to
eating bad fish. I am as skeptical as the next person, but if you are alone in a
room and a loud and angry voice yells, “GET OUT!” do yourself a favor and get
out! Get out as fast as your little feet can take you. Those stupid Amityville
people waited until blood started to stream down the walls and for the husband
to turn homicidal before they abandoned ship. Here’s a rule of thumb: If your
spouse is coming at you with a hatchet, you might have waited too long.

Don’t move into a house or apartment where the rent should be $4000 a
month but the landlord charges you $200 per month - Let me just say this
straight out: No one wants to give you a great deal on rent because you are
special. You are not that special—no one is. A really good deal on rent is
obviously a sign that the apartment was a site for satanic worship. I learned this
fact from watching Rosemary’s Baby. If someone wants you to lease an
apartment that badly, something is definitely wrong. That eighty-plus-percent
rent discount (I don’t know if that is the right percentage as I suck at math so all
you engineers can figure that out for me) is not because there is a roach or
rodent problem. No, that big discount should be a red flag—a warning that you
will be sharing that apartment with someone who is not of this world.

Do not buy a home that has had ten owners in the past year - If a house
spits out owners this fast, there is a problem. And while I think that owners are
legally supposed to disclose all problems with the house, they tend to fib a bit
when it comes to ghosts. I guess since not everyone believes in ghosts, one can
blame any unexplainable happenings on old plumbing or the house settling.

Don’t buy a house that is next to a cemetery or was once a funeral home -
I had a friend in high school who lived above her father’s funeral parlor which
she now owns herself. Did she have ghostly experiences? Yes, and she told us
amazing stories, but they were all benign in nature. There were no mean ghosts
who threw things around the room. Mostly, she said the ghosts commented on
their funerals and what their families made them wear.
However, I saw that movie A Haunting in Connecticut and its television
version that was on that show A Haunting. In the story a family unknowingly
moves into an old funeral home. While a Twitter friend, who wrote the book for
this paranormal story, has said publicly that this entire story was a hoax, I have
to believe it is still best not to live in an old funeral home. Okay, let me amend
that. It’s okay to live in an old funeral home but unlike the people in this tale, do
the smart thing and remove the embalming equipment from the basement before
you make it a bedroom for your young sons, and here is another tip: don’t use
the freezer that once housed the cadavers as a place to store your groceries. Get
a new freezer; Life will be much easier.

Donna Cavanagh, Humoroutcasts.com
 




There once was a girl from Nantucket or Poetry for Humor:

Would you like poetry if it was not serious, symbolic or deep? Do you care
about iambic pentameter? Do you know what iambic pentameter is? If not, you
can be a humor poet. Yes, humor poetry is a real thing and if written well, you
will probably make more money than those boring poets who write about nature,
love and lofty ideals. Is rhyming easy? No. But with a little practice, you too can
bring a new dimension to your funny world. Sure, you might insult a few people
here and there and damage a literary genre that has been around since the dawn
of civilization, but that’s humor.

 EXAMPLE:

Some write poems filled with emotion
Some write poems filled with pain
When a humorist comes up with a crazy notion
She can write about food, sex or Chow Mein

No symbolism is required to make people smile
No poetic rules can keep creativity bound
Sure the poetic elite might groan for a while
But some funny rhyming might also astound

(I have no publishing reference for this one. I made this up just for you.
Same thing for the Haiku above)


Haiku – The three-line joke?

Some writers love haikus. Honestly, I’m not a big fan because I get way too
frustrated trying to fit everything I want to say in five syllables, seven syllables
and five syllables. I am more of a 144-syllable-236-syllable-416-syllable kind of
gal. But for the sake of fairness, let’s embrace the haiku.

EXAMPLE:
The fly buzzed near me
I swat it with my cellphone.
Fly lives; iPhone dies

Show Off Your Pun: A pun is a humorous substitution of words that are
similar in sound but not in meaning. Puns are an old form of humor, but their use
never gets old. They make us groan out loud, but both readers and writers delight
in a good pun. Non-humorists like to insert puns into speeches or writing to
bring some levity to more serious topics. Puns are excellent for tension tamers. I
offer you pun EXAMPLES from a man I consider the “King of Puns” Bill
Spencer.

EXAMPLES:
If you’ve seen ONE bear attack movie, you’ve seen a maul.

 At least this pooch didn’t get up on your Bark-alounger.

Once, MY imaginary dog got up on the dining room table, and when I
told him to “Get down!” he started dancing.

My imaginary dog could read. He saw a sign on a park bench that said
“Wet Paint,” and he did. Sadly, he died after eating a whole can of
varnish. It was a terrible end. A terrible end. But a beautiful finish.
Bill Spencer, HumorOutcasts writer


Misdirection: A simple statement whereby readers think the writer is taking
them down a certain path only to find out they have not only been re-routed but
thrown off the road.

EXAMPLE:
The basis of this misdirection EXAMPLE came from a true news story.
It’s short and throws the reader off the track for the ending.

Domino’s Delivers

A man claimed he had sex with a Domino’s pizza and as a result he
burnt his penis. I am appalled and shocked. My Domino’s pizzas are usually
cold by the time they get to my house.
Donna Cavanagh, Humoroutcasts.com

Most readers were groaning about the burnt penis, but cold pizza can be a
problem too.

Dialogue: Dialogue makes me crack up. There is something about the
conversation between two people or perhaps an imaginary conversation in
someone’s head that ignites laughter. It doesn’t have to take up the entire essay
or be a long conversation, but it needs to convey the correct emotion of the
essay.

EXAMPLE:

The Literary Elite at Starbucks

 I decided I needed a quick pick-me-up, so I headed to Starbucks. I was
sitting with my coffee and crossword puzzle at a table in the corner when I
started to eavesdrop on the conversation between the two people at the tables
next to mine. Technically, it was not eavesdropping as they were both talking
pretty loudly, and their conversation was hard to avoid. Both of these people had
a laptop in front of them, and each was supposedly busy creating the next great
novel or movie or whatever.
I have to admit that right away I got intimidated. I know that sounds silly,
but people who write in public on laptops just do that to me. They seem so artsy
and sure of themselves. It’s not that I can’t write in public. I was a reporter, so I
had to learn to write in the most unusual places such as the state penitentiary for
men. I always say if you can write a story and make a deadline during a prison
lockdown, you can write anywhere.
I should explain that I didn’t go to the prison because I liked the creative
atmosphere. The prison was part of my beat, so I had an obligation to go there at
least once a week. Every once in a while there was a security problem that
resulted in a lockdown and my spending more time in the prison than
anticipated. For all of the inmates who might have been paroled since my last
visit, I just want to say that I am NOT making fun of you or your confinement
here, and I wish to thank you for all the kind compliments about my appearance
you gave me through the years of your unfortunate incarceration.
Anyway, back to the Starbucks writers. They started to discuss dialogue and
plot development and blah, blah, blah, and I started to think how boring my
writing was. They were talking about creating literature while my last freelance
assignment was writing about the vampire craze and how it affects the retail
world. It’s easy to see why I would think my work lacks excitement although I did
get an invitation from a California store owner who asked me to come to her
store to witness firsthand a blood-drinking ceremony.
As I sat at my table pretending to do my puzzle, I started to wonder how
these writers got work done surrounded by so much pastry. If I did my writing in
a Starbucks, I would be 400 pounds. No, I would be 400 pounds and unpublished
because all I would do is eat the baked goods.
As I continued to listen to their conversation, the “What Kind of Writer Are
You?” drama started to play in my head. Most writers have some kind of
individual drama that plays inside their brains on occasion. Mine usually does a
matinee and evening performance on a daily basis. This is how it can go:
Insane self: “You are a waste of a writer. Look how boring your assignments
are! These people are creating literature.
Sane self: “Shut up! I can write! I have tons of publishing credits to my
name too.”
Insane self: “Yes, but who wants to read your books? They will never be
featured on Oprah’s Book Club!”
Sane self: “I don’t need Oprah! Wait… did I just say that? I’m sorry, Oprah.
I’m so sorry. I do need you! Don’t be mad at me! Come back, Oprah! Oh God, I
think I need to switch to decaf.”
Donna Cavanagh, Try and Avoid the Speed Bumps (HumorOutcasts
Press, 2012)

The dialogue was not extensive, but if any dialogue can show how crazy I
can be, this is it. How could one cup of coffee at Starbucks turn into a complete
meltdown?

Writing Exercise:
Choose a topic from the news and find a humorous angle for that topic.
Add dialogue or descriptions using puns or exaggeration. How does adding
humor helpers change the emotion of the story or the focus?

____________________________________________________________________________
 CHAPTER V: Putting Together an Essay

Do you know the number one challenge facing humorists today? Take a
guess. Is it political correctness? Buzz…wrong answer. If that was your
response, go back to Chapter I and re-read the part about how political
correctness and humor don’t mix. Is the number one challenge, lack of ideas?
Probably not. The number one challenge…drum roll please…word count.
“How can that be, oh author of this totally untextbook-like humor book?”
Well, let me explain, oh students eager to learn.
Many years ago, there was this thing called print media. It was wonderful.
Each day, people all over the world would go outside to their front lawns and
pick up this rolled-up package called a newspaper, and inside that newspaper
there were long articles and wonderful information and coupons. Okay, there are
still coupons, but so many of the long articles are gone. The culprit for the
extinction of long articles: the internet.
No, I am not going to bash the internet as I cannot function without it.
However, there is a downside. We get much information and entertainment so
quickly that speed has become our normal existence. And because we embrace
speed, our attention spans have decreased dramatically. I read an article a few
years back about a Canadian study that determined human beings now have a
shorter attention span than goldfish.
I’m no goldfish expert. I know when it’s time to flush them, but the idea that
they can focus longer than humans is sort of scary. What does that mean for
humorists? It means that an essay that once counted 1,200 words now should be
no more than 700 words. To counteract the nanoseconds-of-reader-interest
problem, many writers employ the use of photos and short videos to deliver their
humor instead of words. In a visual and fast world, why not?
I don’t mean to scare away the long-winded writers. There are definitely
exceptions to the short-and-fast philosophy. Every once in a while, I have to hit
the 800-word count. When I break the brevity rule and go long, I do so because I
believe abbreviating the essay would compromise the quality of that essay.
It takes a bit of practice to cut down an essay and select the words that will
deliver your humor punch, but you can learn to do it. You want to be the one in
control of what gets cut out of your essay. Don’t leave it in the hands of an
editor who might not get your humor or what you are trying to convey to the
reader.
Now that we understand how important word count can be and the need to
pick your words, let’s look at what it takes to write an essay.
Essay writing is a great place for a budding humorist to start. Unlike short
stories and novels, essays do not involve plot building, character development or
story continuity. It’s up to 700 words of literary fun. So what do you need to
worry about when writing a humor essay?
For me, writing an essay is like building an ice cream sundae. You start with
the basics or your favorite flavor which for the essay is the topic. Next, you pile
on the fudge or peanut butter sauce which is your hook. (If ice cream isn’t your
thing, build a pizza. I have a sweet tooth.) The hook is going to grab your
readers and make them want to go further into the essay. Then you add the
whipped cream, sprinkles or nuts. These sundae extras are the humor helpers you
use to bring your essay to life and finally, and the all-important maraschino
cherry is your perfect conclusion. (It’s good to know that even if I teach you
nothing about humor in this book, you now know how to create one heck of an
ice cream masterpiece.)
For this chapter, I am going to dissect one of my most read essays The
Umpire’s Wife Has Been Ejected. We are going to break it down by topic, hook,
body and conclusion. Then we can look at it in one piece to illustrate how it all
works. But first let’s look at the components for an essay.

The Topic: If you did any of the exercises in the previous pages of this
book, you have explored some of the resources for a good topic. In case you
haven’t done any of the exercises yet, I’ll give you some ideas for topics.
Marriage and relationships
Children
Pets
School
Friends
Politics
Religion
Sex

Notice that I did not add work or office into that mix. Why? These are tricky
topics. People have been fired for posting on Facebook, so if you are going to
poke fun at your office, boss or corporation, you better be independently
wealthy, pretty sure you can find another job quickly or work in an environment
that welcomes humor. The business world has a short fuse when it comes to
humor. Don’t burn yourself over a joke.
While we are on the subject of caution, always think twice about the
repercussions that go along with certain topics like religion and politics. As I
said before, humor is an important tool to get people to think. However, this is a
volatile world where extremism can be dangerous. Humorists need to understand
that dangers exist and because humor is subjective, not everyone will find your
humor enchanting. With those words of caution out of the way, let’s build an
essay.
 “The Umpire’s Wife Has Been Ejected” by Donna Cavanagh (Referee
magazine, July 2011)

Essay topic: umpire husband throws wife out of game (marriage and
relationships)

The Hook: A hook is like a magnet, and your reader should be pulled in and
not able to let go. The first sentence of an essay should show the reader where
they think the story or essay is going. There might be twists and turns before the
essay is over, but the reader has a direction. In a humor essay, the first paragraph
should never be serious. You don’t have to generate belly-rolling laughs, but a
reader should be sensing the humor to come.
My husband has umpired for baseball and softball for about 10 years. Some
umpire wives go to games to see their husbands in action. Me, I rarely attend.
It’s not that I am not interested. I don’t go because I don’t want to be ejected
again.

By the end of the first paragraph, the reader knows there will be trouble.
Now the questions start. Did he truly eject his own wife? (Yes.) What could she
have done to earn such punishment? (A lot.) Are they still married? (Yes.)

The Body: The action of the essay. It can be more than a paragraph, and
you can employ any or none of the humor helpers we discussed earlier. As a
writer, you might be telling a straight story with humor throughout or using these
paragraphs to set up readers to surprise them. It all depends where your story is
going. In my essay, I started out on the tame side, but I used the humor helpers
to illustrate the building tension which led to my husband ejecting me from the
field. Notice that I did use alliteration, repetition and some long and complex
sentences to help depict how the situation was getting out of hand.
Yes, in one of his rare ejections, my husband tossed me from the field of
play. I will admit that he had no choice. At this game, which in our house is
forever known as the “the night we almost got divorced” game, my husband was
the home plate ump for a 14-and-under fastpitch softball game which decided
which team got to go to Nationals. At this game, where he ejected me (in case
you didn’t read that part), I stopped by the field to bring him an extra drink. I
stood near the bleachers that were next to the first base line. There were already
two outs in the inning, and I felt some tension from the crowd sitting in those
bleachers. After the batter took the first pitch, the ump let out a loud “Strike.”
Then I heard a father in the bleachers scream,
“Are you blind? Are you an idiot? That was clearly a ball.”
Ah, the sound of a perturbed and peeved parent. It’s a sad fact of organized
sports that each team has one of those parents who cannot keep his or her mouth
shut. These parents feel it is their right to try and sway, through intimidation, the
way an umpire calls a game.
Back to this game – you know the one where my husband ejected me – Did I
mention that already? I knew I should have left when I realized that there was a
troublemaker parent in the vicinity, but like a good train wreck, I had to stick
around and watch. The irate dad was upset at everything from the balls and
strikes calls to how the third-base coach was telling his base runners to lead.
After the second pitch, my husband called another strike. The irate parent
barked louder. Finally, the batter swung and missed the last pitch, which ended
the inning.
Well, it ended the inning for everyone but the father of the kid who struck
out. He continued to scream. My husband looked at the coach, who yelled at the
parent who cursed at my husband.
That’s when I got involved. I told him that he was an embarrassment and
that this game was supposed to teach kids about sportsmanship. Now the coach
and the other parents chimed in. They were yelling at this dad, and I was yelling
at this dad, and he was yelling at me, and then my husband came over and
glared at me and the dad, and he ejected us both. Shocked, I stormed off the
field. However, I did realize that I did not help the situation. In my defense, I
think the crowd was happy I came to the game because I gave the ump a good
excuse to get rid of the parent from hell.
The Conclusion: I like conclusions in my essays. I don’t like to keep my
readers hanging. Often, I will end an essay with something like “What can we
learn from this…?” and set up a Rule of Three and take the essay through
another twist. My favorite ending is the circle. Honestly, I don’t know what the
true terminology is for this “trick,” but I like my ending language to make a U-
turn to the beginning of the essay. To me, it gives the reader the sense that the
story is complete. In our EXAMPLE essay, I used puns to direct back to the
umpire theme that started the initial story.
When my husband got home that night, I was still mildly miffed. He
apologized, but he said I left him no choice. “I probably would have ejected that
guy in the next inning anyway,” he confessed. “I give parents time to think. It’s
best for the kids if they don’t see their parents ejected.”
I forgave him, and then the ump thought we were back to normal, so he tried
to circle the bases at home with me. Silly, silly ump. It was my turn to eject him
from the playing field.

And the essay in full form:

The Umpire’s Wife Has Been Ejected

My husband has been a baseball and softball umpire for about 10 years.
Some umpire wives go to games to see their husbands ump. Me, I rarely attend.
It’s not that I am not interested. I don’t want to be ejected again.
Yes, in one of his rare ejections, my husband tossed me from the field of
play. I will admit that he had no choice. At this game, which in our house is
forever known as the “the night we almost got divorced” game, my husband was
the home plate ump for a 14-and-under fastpitch softball game which decided
which team got to go to Nationals. At this game, where he ejected me (in case
you didn’t read that part), I stopped by the field to bring him an extra drink. I
stood near the bleachers that were next to the first-base line. There were already
two outs in the inning, and I felt some tension from the crowd sitting in those
bleachers. After the batter took the first pitch, the ump let out a loud “Strike.”
Then I heard a father in the bleachers scream,
“Are you blind? Are you an idiot? That was clearly a ball.”
Ah, the sound of a perturbed and peeved parent. It’s a sad fact of organized
sports that each team has one of those parents who cannot keep his or her mouth
shut. These parents feel it is their right to try and sway, through intimidation, the
way an umpire calls a game.
Back to this game – you know the one where my husband ejected me – Did I
mention that already? I knew I should have left when I realized that there was a
troublemaker parent in the vicinity, but like a good train wreck, I had to stick
around and watch. The irate dad was upset at everything from the balls and
strikes calls to how the third-base coach was telling his base runners to lead.
After the second pitch, my husband called another strike. The irate parent
barked louder. Finally, the batter swung and missed the last pitch, which ended
the inning.
Well, it ended the inning for everyone but the father of the kid who struck
out. He continued to scream. My husband looked at the coach, who yelled at the
parent who cursed at my husband.
That’s when I got involved. I told him that he was an embarrassment and
that this game was supposed to teach kids about sportsmanship. Now, the coach
and the other parents chimed in. They were yelling at this dad, and I was yelling
at this dad, and he was yelling at me, and then my husband came over and
glared at me and the dad, and he ejected us both. Shocked, I stormed off the
field. However, I did realize that I did not help the situation. In my defense, I
think the crowd was happy I came because I gave the ump a good excuse to get
rid of the parent from hell.
When my husband got home that night, I was still mildly miffed. He
apologized, but he said I left him no choice. “I probably would have ejected that
guy in the next inning anyway,” he confessed. “I give parents time to think. It’s
best for the kids if they don’t see their parents ejected.” I forgave him, and then
the ump thought we were back to normal, so he tried to circle the bases at home
with me. Silly, silly ump. It was my turn to eject him from the playing field.

Referee magazine, July 2011


This essay worked for me and a lot of different readers too. Two magazines
picked it up, so the topic resonated with people. However, there is always a
chance that an idea falters or can’t get off the ground. So what do you do? How
long do you stick by the idea? When do you move on?
When an idea falters: There is no clear-cut time limit for working on an idea
to see if it works or not. Each humorist must maintain his or her own writing
rules. My rule is twenty minutes. I know that makes me seem like the most
impatient person in the world, but I’ve been at this almost thirty years. If I don’t
have an essay complete in those twenty minutes, I pretty much know it’s not
going to happen. Sometimes I discard the idea completely; other times I file it
away in case inspiration hits at a later date.
Upon hearing my twenty-minute rule, one aspiring writer in a workshop
commented, “Determination must not be in your blood.” To which I replied in a
most polite manner, “Don’t confuse determination with obsession. There is a
difference between forging ahead and beating a dead horse.” (I mean that
figuratively and in case anyone is offended please note that no animals were
harmed or killed in the making of this how-to-write humor book.)
Let’s keep it simple and say this: It’s okay for an idea not to work out and to
put that idea aside because letting go allows a writer to open up his or her mind
to new inspiration and creativity, and that is when the spark ignites.
Editing your essay: Always edit your work. Read it out loud and then look
for spelling and typos. Reading aloud helps a writer feel the humor. I make most
changes after I hear an essay. I hear what words I want to emphasize and also
hear where I want pauses to be or where I want the emotion to change.
I have another caveat. In recent years, the trend for editing is to do away
with commas. I asked an editor friend about this, and her response was that
modern-day editors don’t know how to incorporate commas into the written
word, so they made it trendy to eliminate them. I don’t know if this is totally
true, but I still say “UGHHHHHH!” I like commas and what they represent. I
continue to use them. My rule for comma usage: be consistent. That’s all I got
on the comma conundrum except to say it’s so sad to think that a good
punctuation mark is on the outs with the literary world.

 
Writing Exercise:
Try out a humor essay. Use your topic from the previous exercise.
Create a hook around the topic and add a few sentences for the body. Try
using one or two humor helpers and brainstorm a conclusion. The essay
does not have to be perfect. You can go back and add to or subtract from it,
but DO THE ESSAY!

___________________________________________________________________________

 
 PART II: HOW DO I GET MY WORK OUT
THERE?

 The second part of this book is aimed at the true novice writer who has
not yet explored the world of online publication. However, there are many
experienced writers out there who feel intimidated by the internet. Use this book
to rid yourself of that fear. The internet is a mysterious place, but it can be a fun
place to hang out and find readers for your work. On the discussion block are
blogging, both individual blogs and community blogs, the importance of social
media and online etiquette. Yes, believe it or not, manners count!
 CHAPTER VI: Blogging, Books and Beyond

A show of hands: Who remembers the days when you would send a pitch
letter or query to a magazine editor and then wait anxiously six to eight weeks
for a response? If you do remember this process, give yourself a round of
applause because you have paid your writing dues more than most.
Today’s writing world is such a different animal from the “pre-internet”
days. Back in olden times, rejection letters held no shame. I, myself, would tape
them up onto my office wall and use them as inspiration to become a better
writer. I will admit that some of these letters, which came via snail mail, made
me chuckle. My favorite was from an editor who wrote to tell me he was going
to call me so he could tell me via phone why my essay stunk. Yes, apparently
shooting me down through the US Post Office was not sufficient. To be fair to
this man, he did indeed call, and he rejected me because he considered humor to
be nothing but a mixture of “fluff and stupid,” and he was disappointed that a
former journalist would debase herself by writing such unimportant material.
Now, some people might have become upset by that rejection, but not me. I
entered this experience into a contest whose theme was “WORST REJECTION
LETTER EVER,” and I won second place. I cannot even imagine who won the
top prize. I didn’t win money, but I did win a t-shirt screen printed with the
words “Rejected Writer.” Yep, that is the God’s honest truth. If I sponsored that
contest, I would have taken a more optimistic approach and sent out a t-shirt that
read “Amazing Writer in Progress,” but I’m a glass-half-full person.
The world of writing is not all about rejection. However, if you contemplate
jumping off a bridge each time you do get rejected, I would suggest you pursue
another line of work or hobby. I will admit that there is no better feeling than
having an editor tell you that your article or essay has been accepted. That is a
champagne-popping moment. And it makes all the rejections seem so not
important.
Even today, I still get rejection letters or emails. They don’t faze me
anymore. It’s part of the game in my view. And truth be told, I deliver rejections
now. HumorOutcasts.com is a submission acceptance site. I or Betsy—and if
you don’t know the truth about Betsy, go back to the introduction—audition
writers and their work. The reason for this is that I promote HO writers
extensively, and I cannot do that if I allow everyone to post. I also think
knowing a site is not a “gimme” inspires writers to bring their best work—or for
those who enjoy sports metaphors—their “A” game.
I know some might deem the next part of this sentence as new-agey or a bit
on the La-La side, but I think the Universe makes room for all writers. We might
not all be bestselling authors or syndicated columnists on the Erma Bombeck
scale, but our work does get seen. And the reason for this is that there is an
audience for humor; people crave it, so let’s do our best to get it out there, and
now I want to show you how.
The first question I ask writers when they tell me they want to “put forth
their work” is this: what do you hope to accomplish? Are you looking for
money? Honestly, writing is not the best field for you if that is your number one
answer. Most writers I know don’t smell of cash; they barely smell of pennies.
But it could happen. You could hit it big and write the humor version of War and
Peace.
If money is not your thing, is it fame? I know many writers who believe
they are going to rock Hollywood with their humor magic. Again, it might just
happen. I am here to support dreams not deny them. The reason I ask writers
about their goals is to guide them about what they can do to get their work
noticed. There is NO right or wrong answer for what you want to gain from
your writing. No one should ever judge your ambitions; they are yours and yours
alone, and I say good for you and keep working toward them.
I know this section of the book is entitled “Blogging, Books and Beyond,”
but before I get into the blogging part, I want to tackle traditional print media
and magazines. There are still wonderful publications out there although they are
a lot thinner than they used to be, so getting picked up by them is more of a
challenge. Some still look for outside writers for humorous true stories that fit
their demographic. So, how do you get them to notice your work.

THE PITCH OR QUERY LETTER:

I don’t think the query letter has changed much in the last twenty years
except now most are emailed instead of snail mailed. Most editors like a shorter
query too as these editors now hold more responsibility with smaller staffs to
help them out. Despite the changes with magazines, editors have told me they
still look for the same three points: the hook, followed by details of the essay or
article including some facts or quotes and finally, a conclusion as to why a piece
would fit with the publication. The query should also give the editor a preview
of your writing style.
 This is a query I did for my first humor column in First Magazine more than
twenty years ago. The magazine is totally different now, so today this might not
fly, but the structure of the query is a basic one and hasn’t changed much. The
query did its job. I not only sold the essay, but the magazine made me their
primary humor columnist for about five years.


Dear (I found out the editor’s name and addressed the query to her),
Two months ago I almost lost my family when we embarked on an adventure
for which none of us were prepared: a yard sale. Yes, this seemingly banal event
stirred within us feelings of distrust and horror as we decided which of our
prized possessions would be tagged for sale.
“Why is there a $500 sticker on my T-bird,” my husband screamed in panic.
“You have 2000 Barbies,” I begged my daughter. “Let some of them go
free.”
“Okay, sell the microwave, but no more homemade dinners,” I reminded my
family.
Yard sales might be an American tradition, but I would surmise that many of
your readers do not know the hidden dangers behind them. I would love to
educate them with a 750-word column detailing these pitfalls so they can avoid
the turmoil we experienced. With your demographic centered around 35-55-
year-old females with children, I think this essay would resonate and provide a
much needed break from the stress of everyday life or at the very least, the stress
of planning a yard sale.
For your information, I am a multi-published humorist whose work has
appeared in daily papers throughout Pennsylvania and national publications
such as USA Today. I would be happy to send you some of my published
columns. I look forward to your feedback, and I hope we can work together in
the future.
Thank you,
Donna Cavanagh

I will be honest and say that I have not written a traditional query letter in
more than a decade. As my readership grew, I got to know more editors who
only required me to send them a few sentences about what I wanted to do. I still
got rejections, and I still do. In the writing world, no one or nothing is a sure
thing.
If you send out a query and get a positive response, you still need to do your
homework about that publication. I suggest that you go to your local library and
pull the last six issues of the magazine and study it. Study how the articles are
structured. Study what they look for in a lead paragraph and when they bring in
quotes and facts. By studying the articles, you will learn who their audience is.
Never write without knowing about the demographic you are trying to entertain.
 
BLOGGING:

Okay, let’s learn about the best writer’s tool to come along ever: The Blog.
The blog is a powerful platform for both “newbies” and experienced writers. A
blog gives writers the opportunity to share their talent with the entire world.
I cannot imagine how much easier my writing life would have been if the
blog had been around in the 1980s and early 1990s. I don’t think a blog would
have catapulted me to fame and fortune, but I do think it might have instilled in
me the discipline to write each day hoping that with each post, I would gain
another follower for my humor.
There are two types of blogs: the individual blog and the community blog. I
am going to go through both and the pros and cons for them as well.

The Individual Blog: Remember a few pages back when I asked what are
you hoping to accomplish with your writing? Well, this is why I asked. Some
writers need to be the one and only focus of the blog. They want a reader not to
be distracted by another writer’s work, and they want a blog to reflect their own
style of humor only. It’s not about getting paid since individual bloggers don’t
get paid as a rule unless they find a way to pay themselves or a sponsor to pay
them advertising. Another caveat: advertising sponsors are not keen on humor.
It’s difficult for them to embrace any written word that is not G-rated, and a lot
of humor is not for all audiences. It makes them nervous that the Family Council
or one of those other militant groups will call for a boycott of their products
because they sponsor “bad taste” humor.
There is nothing selfish about wanting to be the star of the show, and, in
fact, when writers are starting out or building an audience, they need that
spotlight on them.
Starting a blog is not a difficult task. You can use a template service to
create a blog. I don’t want to give support to any specific platform in this book,
so I encourage you to Google “create a blog,” and you will have more than
enough information at your fingertips. Those who are not as tech-savvy might be
more comfortable hiring a company to set up a blog complete with a banner and
logo. These services will monitor your blog and update software as needed. The
startup is often free, but eventually you will have to pay maintenance for the site.
Read the fine print.

The Community Blog: A community blog is exactly what its name states.
It is a site where numerous writers contribute their work. Some community sites
pay some or all their writers, while others do not pay at all. Community sites
publish a diversity of writers and types of humor so they tend to get more hits
per day than an individual blog, but more hits for the site does not necessarily
mean more exposure for each individual writer.
Why? Not all community sites promote each writer. The reason might be as
simple as they are so well-known, they don’t need to do anything extra to bring
in reads. That’s good for them, but not so good for the writer who is looking to
build a fan base.
Let’s go through the pros and cons of both types of blogs so you know
what’s ahead whether you choose to start an individual blog, join a community
site or maybe do both. Yes, there is no rule that says you can’t have your own
blog and write for a larger blog site. When trying to get your work read, almost
everything is fair.

The Pros of an Individual Blog:

You are the star.
There is always space for your work.
No editors to reject your work.
You can decide how often you want to post to your blog.
Your blog is a great place to try out book ideas or test the
waters on subject matter.
Promotion is all up to you. Now that might sound like a
negative, and it can be if you are not comfortable talking about
yourself, but it’s also a good thing as it gives you control over
marketing strategy.
You can join networks and link to individual bloggers like
yourself. There are blogging groups on social media and
sometimes even groups that meet in your area to talk about
blogging. It’s nice to have company!
You can start to build a brand of your own.
You can invite people to subscribe to your blog and create an
email list so that when you post your work, you can blast the
link out to that list and bring more people to your blog.

Cons of an Individual Blog:

You are the star. (Yes, it cuts both ways.) If you do not provide
sufficient content or content that your readers like, they will go
elsewhere. Remember humor is subjective.
Depending upon what blog guru you follow or read, the
average individual blog gets between two and twelve hits per
post. That number is not as important as the fact that it takes a
long time to build a following, so patience must be one of your
greatest assets.
Learn to like and use social media because if you don’t, no one
will know you have a blog. We are going to go into the more
popular social media platforms in the next chapter.
You have to be a conscientious blog manager. If you let your
blog become stale, it will falter and die out. Understand your
 audience and post often to bring that audience back to your
blog often.
You will depend upon other single bloggers for support, and
while you might prove to be a gem in the cooperation
department, other bloggers might prove to be pretty stingy with
cross-promotion. Sometimes this is a tough lesson to learn.
Depending upon which stat you find, there are anywhere from
152 million to 172 million blogs in the world or more by the
time this book comes out. The reason the number is hard to nail
down is that many bloggers give up within weeks of starting
their blogs, and while these blogs might officially still exist,
they are sort of gathering dust in a small corner of the internet.
Whatever the true number of blogs out there is, it’s a lot and
that’s a lot of competition for reads.
If you get discouraged or fall behind in your posting, you will
become one of those inactive blogs, and if a reader comes to
read your work and your last entry was more than a week before
his or her previous visit, you probably will never see that reader
again.
 
 The Pros of a Community Blog:

You don’t shoulder the burden alone. You are one of ten or a
hundred or a thousand writers. If you don’t post, someone will.
(You need to check the writer’s guidelines for the community blog
or talk to the editor to make sure there is no minimum posting
requirement.)
You have a built-in audience. Community blogs are already
established with regular readers. It’s an easy way to get your work
seen by a fan base.
There is a diversity of writers who write on various topics. It’s a
great place to comment and learn about other topics, and writing
styles and maybe a nice place to ask for some constructive criticism
too.
Community blogs will invite you to spread your creative wings and
push the envelope a bit.
Posts on a community blog have a greater chance of being picked
up by other online sites and media.
A community blog might be agreeable about promoting your other
writing projects such as your individual blog, books, videos and
podcasts.

WRITER RESPONSIBILITY

Of course, with these advantages also comes some responsibility to the
community site and your fellow writers, and the majority of your responsibility
can be summed up in one sentence: JUST BE NICE.

Promote your work and the work of others.
Become a part of the community. Read and comment even on days
you don’t post.
Don’t Stop and Drop. Stop and Drop is when you post on a
community blog and don’t take the time to read other writers’ work
or comment on their posts. Stop and Stay and become part of that
community. Community sites are great places to build relationships
and friendships. If you stop and drop you prevent those
 relationships from building. Writing is a solitary profession. A
community blog takes some of the loneliness away.
Use social media not only for your sake as a writer but for the sake
of potential readers as well. When you share humor posts, you
deliver the gift of laughter. So many people need that in their lives.
Do not form cliques. When I was on some of the larger internet
sites, I sometimes thought I was back in high school. Cliques
formed when writers would say, “If you click on my post, I’ll click
on yours and we can get more hits that way.” Some sites paid per
hit, so I understand their logic, but in the long run, writers who did
this got a few more cents in their pockets but those clicks did not
mean people read their work. Isn’t the main point of writing to
entertain and inform readers?
Learn the rules of the site. Most sites have an FAQ section on their
home page to address becoming a site author and author etiquette.
If you are unsure of something, ask the administrator (admin) or the
editor. There should be contact info on the site, and they will be
grateful you took the time to ask.
If you are going to promote your work from another site or
promote your new book, make sure it’s okay with the editor or
admin. It is common courtesy to check with them before you use
them for free publicity. They might be thrilled to help, but still ask.
Feel free to promote your work that is published on a community
site. However, if you post the same essay or article on a number of
different sites, don’t promote all the links at once.
If you decide to leave a community site that has helped you, let the
editors know. An editor who is committed to helping writers will
be happy that a writer found a better fit for his or her work outside
their blog. It never pays to burn bridges.
SITE RESPONSIBILITY
Just as the writer has a responsibility to the site so does the site have a
responsibility to the writer. A relationship cannot blossom if there is only one
party giving and one party taking. I know this sounds like a Hallmark movie,
but it’s true.

The blog admin should be active on social media–not just posting
 but conversing with readers and potential readers and supporting all
writers on the site.
Social media reach should be extensive and growing with real
followers and friends.
Site should promote each writer. There are some well-known sites
who promote their featured bloggers or a small number of writers
only. For these sites, promote your work mostly. There is no need
to stay, chat and promote blogger #8015.
Fresh content daily. If a site has new content only twice or three
times a week, their reach is not growing. People get bored quickly,
so a site needs to have new material each day in order to attract
readers.
While community sites do offer writers a lot of advantages, there are some
downsides. It is up to you as a writer to figure out the best balance.

The Cons of a Community Blog

The focus is on the whole and not each individual, but out of that
“whole” some stars do emerge, and there is a chance you might not
be one of them. Hey, we are all stars in one way or another just not
everywhere. So don’t get insulted; keep trying and you might
reach the “star status.”
Your work will be on the top of the page for a short time. Each
time someone posts, your work falls farther down the page.
You are going to have to keep your ego in check. This is hard to
do, but don’t let it dissuade you from being the best writer you can
be and enjoying the camaraderie on these sites.
You will not like the humor of everyone on the site. Some humor
will offend you. But each writer is trying to gain an audience, so
unless their humor offends your moral sensibilities, offer support.
That’s all any writer wants on a community site.
There are limited writing spots, which means you might get
rejected as a writer initially. Keep applying and you will eventually
get that spot if you give your best.
I don’t know where to place this helpful tidbit so I’ll throw it out here. Feel free
to catch it and use it or let it fall. If a site doesn’t pay you, it should not require
you to post only original material. I understand if they request that you don’t put
up the same post on a competitor site on the same day or even the same week,
but beyond that, no non-paying site should demand that your work be written
only for them. So here’s a secret. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t,
but it’s a trick one of my magazine editors taught me a few years back, and it is
helpful. Re-write your column or post for different outlets. This only works for
non-paying outlets. For these non-paying sites, change the title so Google and
other search engines find all the different titles. Honestly, if you use the same
title over and over for several sites, search engines seem to get frustrated or
ticked off and lose all the posts with that title. The conspiracy theorists out there
believe they lose stuff on purpose.
So if you are not breaking a community site rule, change the post around,
use a different angle, re-write the lead paragraph, switch up the humor helpers or
dialogue—do whatever to make the post as original an essay as possible for
wherever you post. Now, here’s another caveat: Some sites frown upon this and
declare it to be a big no-no. So always check with the site before you put too
much effort in de-constructing and re-constructing your work.
If a site pays you, deliver an original post. Hand over that post with your
first-born child if necessary. They are paying you dammit!

 CHAPTER VII: Share And Care On Social Media
 
Many years ago, and it does feel like eons, I began to delve into what some
people called the “dark world.” No, I did not become a Satanist. I joined social
media. In a way, it was a dark and mysterious place. I knew nothing about
anything. The only experience I had with Facebook was watching my daughter
turn on her account when she got to Penn State. Yes, it was a platform for
college students only, and I never thought I would have to bother about meeting
and talking with people through the vast internet.

Then, I started to write my humor online, and I realized that unless I learned
to share my work, no one would find it. So I put on my big-girl boots and started
to stomp through this scary world.

Twitter was my first stop. This platform seemed harmless enough. How
much trouble can one get into when one can only use a maximum of 140
characters to communicate? Answer: You would be surprised.

It took me a while to realize there were so many imposters out there and to
accept the fact that neither Edgar Allan Poe nor the Real Jesus had risen to chat
with me. Despite my initial mistakes, I made the commitment to learn the
platform. I read as much as I could, and I built my following slowly. A wise
Twitter follower gave me advice that I still use: Don’t buy followers. Reach out
and “meet” people.

I started locally with Philadelphia people. I am a huge Phillies fan, and I
could always find people to tweet with, especially during the games. Did these
tweet friendships last? Yes, I’ve gone to games at Citizens Bank Park with
Twitter friends. My writing sparked connections with other writers and artists as
well. I met a wonderful guy from Great Britain, who through Twitter taught me
how to bake fruit cake. In fact, on the day of my first effort into this culinary
feat, he surrendered sleep so he could tweet with me as my cake baked in the
oven. And how about this? I wouldn’t be writing this book if it weren’t for
Twitter because on Twitter I met Carol Sabik-Jaffe, who is a board member of
the Philadelphia Writers’ Conference and who, after tweeting with me for some
time, submitted my name to teach humor at the conference. I am in awe at how
the world works sometimes.

My next challenge was Facebook. Somewhere between my daughter
starting college and graduating from college, Facebook opened its doors to the
old folk. I didn’t embrace Facebook right away. I was a bit nervous about
connecting with people from high school or grammar school, but I soon realized
that this social platform would allow me to share my work in so many ways. I
began to post short humor pieces to get people interested in my writing, and
when HO came on the scene, I began to promote my writers there as well. I
expanded my Facebook reach to include not only my personal page but a
HumorOutcasts.com page and an HOPress-Shorehouse Book page. I also joined
a few groups. To this day, I don’t join hundreds of groups because I find that
many of the same people are in the same groups, and I don’t want to inundate
Facebook friends and make them sick of my very presence.

I have a confession. I am not the best self-promoter. I love to promote other
people, but I stumble when it comes to tooting my own horn—as little as that
horn might be. But social media gave me the confidence to push out my work
without feeling as if I am being narcissistic. Once I got over my shyness
regarding Facebook, I started to look at other platforms such as LinkedIn,
StumbleUpon, YouTube, Tumblr, Pinterest and Instagram, and I found them
equally fascinating.

I know that many people—especially writers—are on social media, but let’s
go through some of the most popular platforms and smart ways to use them
anyway. As you probably know by now, this is not a textbook so my advice for
social media stems from my experiences and how the various platforms helped
me to expand my readership and the readership of my writers and authors. I
won’t give step-by-step tutorials on any social media as you can find the best
directions for them on their websites or YouTube. If you are already a social
media maven—that is excellent. But read along anyway in case there are some
helpful hints you might find useful.
 
EMAIL

Before we get into the social media platforms, let’s talk about the power of
email and your writing. We all have friends and family, and we all email those
friends and family. We send updates on our lives, photos of our kids, jokes that
have circulated the internet, so why not your links to your writing? I know that
people hate to get junk in their mail, but your writing is not junk. You are letting
those who are nearest and dearest to you know that you do publish your work,
and you are giving them a place to find that work.
I would not send ten emails a day to notify your friends about your writing.
That would encourage your email recipients to kick your email address to the
spam folder, and once you get in there, it’s hard to dig out. A once-a-week email
would work and be a welcome distraction from the many email offers for cheap
drugs, penile enhancers and opportunities from Nigerian princes in need of
“special agents” to distribute their wealth.
Grow your email list by asking people for their email addresses when you
go to conferences and events. Always have your business card handy and be
interested in what they do, and they will be interested in what you do.
When you do send out your notifications about your writing to your email
list, be sure to add in the subject line that you are sending your latest work so
they know not to delete it or send it to their SPAM file. With that quick email
lesson out of the way, let’s move on to the fun and fascinating world of social
media.

FACEBOOK

I hate using the word “literally,” but literally everyone and their mother is on
Facebook. Okay, that is another exaggeration, but I have a license to exaggerate;
I’m a humorist. Who knew that the middle-aged and even the ascending middle-
aged (Politically Correct term for old) would embrace this social device as much
as they do? But Facebook does offer a huge potential audience for writers,
artists, entrepreneurs and charities. So the days of turning your nose up at this
social media vehicle should be long gone.
Facebook is about so much more than posting a status. Facebook connects
people who share family members, friendships, hobbies, professions and
professional associations, volunteer work and so much more. And you can show
off your pets. Ain’t nothing better than that! So how do you expand your
Facebook reach?
Friends: When I talk to Facebook virgins, the first concern they express is
how to find friends. Finding friends is the easiest part of Facebook. Go to
Facebook.com and register. Then, when your profile is active, search out people
you know. Are your siblings, cousins, friends on Facebook? If so, send a friend
request. Once you gain a few friends, you will be surprised how other family
members, friends, colleagues and acquaintances ask to connect to you. As in all
social situations—real and virtual—the key ingredient to building a friend base
is to be nice and interested. This is my Facebook caveat, and this one is
definitely for the Facebook newbies: NOT EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK IS A
GOOD PERSON! There is a good chance that some man or woman will
message you and tell you that he or she likes your smile or your eyes and that
you look like a person he or she wants to get to know so you both can build a
relationship together. Facebook is NOT Match.com, Christian Mingle or even
AshleyMadison. So if someone propositions you or proposes marriage, it’s most
likely not love at first sight. On Facebook, you can be as transparent as you
want, but I do recommend some privacy barriers. When people ask you to be a
friend, click on their profile to see if you share friends or if you can see any
information about them. Sometimes, their privacy walls limit what you can see.
The best advice I can give with this is CAUTION. If you friend someone and
then realize he or she is on the FBI’s Most Wanted List…or already in prison…
hit the unfriend and block buttons. It’s not hard to do.
There are certain unofficial “rules” you should follow on Facebook. I will
admit that most of these rules are common sense, but, alas, much of our world
does not run on common sense, so let’s check out the rules.

WHAT TO DO ON FACEBOOK:

Like your friends’ posts -You don’t have to like every post of every friend,
but make a point of going on Facebook and reading other people’s posts. When
you take an interest in their lives, they will take an interest in yours. To be
honest, Facebook is a wonderful way to rekindle friendships and stay in touch
with people you wish you had stayed connected to over the years. It is so much
fun when I get a friend requests from women (girls school) I went to high school
with more than 30 years ago. I love seeing their families and finding out about
their lives. And for new friends, Facebook gives you a glimpse into their lives
and a way to be a part of their lives.

Comment on posts - Again, there is no pressure to comment on every post,
but it’s nice to be happy for people or laugh with them or show compassion
when their lives goes awry. If something really catches your attention, say so in a
comment.

Be engaged (Sharing and Tagging) - Come on, who doesn’t want to share
a cute puppy post or photos of a new baby? Don’t overuse these features but
sometimes a post or photo is too good not to share with the world.
Hopefully, you joined Facebook as a way to share your writing work too.
Let’s not forget this important detail. Post the link to your blog posts so people
find your work. It doesn’t matter if you write on your own blog or a community
blog or a few community blogs. Post that link—not all at once if it’s the same
post. If you give your Facebook friends too many links to choose from, they
might be overwhelmed and go to none.
Posting a link to your writing on Facebook also brings in readers who do not
get notifications about your work in their email. Seeing your link might inspire
Facebook friends to subscribe to your blog so they can receive email
notifications. Sharing your work on Facebook builds a fan base and as a writer
isn’t that what you want?

Join groups and share your work with those groups (carefully) - Why
carefully? Many groups have rules about posting. Learn each group’s rules
before you throw your work on their feed. Some groups allow members to post
only on certain days or in a certain way on the feed. Ask the group leader if you
don’t understand their rules. They won’t yell at you. It’s better to be sure so you
don’t alienate group founders or members.
Look for groups that are not in your normal comfort zone or maybe start a
new group. Joining or creating a Facebook group that is not about writing or
humor opens you up to the possibility of new readers and perhaps new material
or new interests. It is only by expanding our horizons and relationships that we
grow as writers. You might find that you win devoted fans who lie beyond the
safety walls of your “normal” groups.
Don’t be offended if some groups do not allow you to join. Some groups are
private and are set up that way for a reason. The HumorOutcasts and HOPress
Facebook group is open only to HO writers, HOPress-Shorehouse Books authors
and a few close friends whom I rely upon to get out the word on the site or the
publishing house. Why? Because when I send out email, no one reads it–yes,
that’s you, my writers and authors! But I love you all anyway. I’m going on the
assumption my messages go into your spam folders and you forget to check
those folders. Anyway, to remedy this communication challenge, I started a
closed Facebook group. This way, my writers cannot “accidentally” delete me,
and they get the necessary updates.

WHAT NOT TO DO ON FACEBOOK:

Sometimes I read posts on Facebook, and I want to jump through my
computer monitor and shake the people who wrote those posts for giving out so
much private information. I am probably paranoid about this, but I do worry
about people who think they are safe on Facebook because they think only their
friends can see what they post. Let’s look at it this way: if computer hackers can
steal your financial history from halfway around the world, someone can figure
out how to see what you do, where you go and what you post even if he or she is
not your Facebook friend. Your 14-year-old neighbor has probably read all about
your life on Facebook even though you and he are not internet buddies
anywhere. What can we learn from my paranoia?

Don’t overshare. It’s not necessary - In my almost thirty years as a
humorist, I have read and worked with a lot of talented writers. To me, the
hallmark of a great humorist is one where readers believe they know 100 percent
about the life of that humorist, but in truth they only know about 10 percent.
What does that mean? Great humorists make their readers feel as if they are
part of their everyday existence, but it’s not the case. These humorists manage to
share a portion of their lives, win the heart of their readers and still maintain
their private life.
I think it’s wonderful that Facebook allows us to share life and death
moments with our friends because how would people across the country or on
another continent know about births, weddings, deaths, etc.? However, I want
people to be careful in their writing and in their posting. The more information
you put out there, the less protection you have on a personal level. A few rules to
live by:
Don’t tear down another writer on Facebook. If you don’t like someone’s
work, write a review and post that review on a suitable blog or site. Don’t take
personal shots when you probably share a lot of the same Facebook friends.

Your dislike of blog sites for which you write – You would assume that no
writer would express this, but you would assume wrong. So let’s touch on this
briefly. If a site is helping you out, don’t throw barbs at it and declare that you
think you can run it better and more efficiently. That will not go over well with
those who run the site, and they will find out.

Employment issues - Do not describe your boss using any unflattering or
derogatory terms. He or she might not be your friend on Facebook, but chances
are someone at work is, and they will happily rat you out. If you are one of those
lucky, rare writers who have millions of dollars in the bank, then forget this
warning because you won’t care if you get fired over a controversial post.

Your medical history - Once you open that door, unscrupulous people can
use that information to harm you in many ways, including attempts to steal your
identity. Sure, you want to tell friends how that boob job went, and maybe you
want to show them off too, but it might be best to do that in a closed group or
perhaps a tasteful humor column that doesn’t come with photos. I hate to say
this, but you might lose the squeamish as friends if you give out too much
information about blood and stitches.

Your travel schedule - I know people who post their airline schedules and
the departure and return dates for their writers’ conferences, vacations and
business trips. If you do this, just make it easy for the burglar and post a banner
that says, “Come rob me; I’m not home. I’ll be back Thursday at 11 AM.”
 And most important:

Don’t spend your entire day on Facebook or any other social media - Go
out and live, meet people, write, have fun, go to the gym, eat a donut–whatever
floats your boat. There are so many aspects to Facebook from tagging people
and posting photos to playing games. Drop off social media for at least a few
hours a day. Those cute puppies and funny jokes about wine, menopause and
politicians will be there when you get back.

 
TWITTER

Twitter is a social platform for those who love to live in the brief present.
You get 140 characters to deliver your message to thousands of people. Never in
my wildest dreams did I ever think that I could master anything that would allow
me only 140 characters to spit out my message in a coherent fashion. Was it
worth my effort to learn? According to my Google analytics, yes. I tweet out my
HO writers’ posts each day at least once, and always readers from Twitter will
click the link and visit the site to read that work. So I’m pretty sure Twitter
would consider me a happy customer. I find Twitter to be an easy platform to
use, but I know a lot of writers who get stymied with the 140-character rule
because they don’t want to take the time to compose the short posts.
A quick note: Twitter is experimenting with expanding the 140-character
rule. Don’t get too excited as I’m sure they won’t allow 800-character tweets.
Just in case the 140-character tweet remains the standard, still learn to be brief.

Learning to be brief can be a chore, and if you are trying to be brief and
funny, you have a double challenge. When Twitter initially came on the scene,
detractors seemed put off by Tweeps (people who use Twitter) who would send
out tweets (the posts that are put out) about inane topics like buying shoes or the
weather or the Kardashians. And, yes all of those things can be annoying.
However, I look at tweets as little glimpses into the lives of people I might not
ever meet. And not only is that fun, but those tweets introduced me to so many
talented writers whose books I have come to enjoy.

People devoted to Twitter use it for a variety of reasons, and these are some
of the most popular reasons:

 Celebrity stalking and entertainment - Okay, you might not truly be a
stalker, but there is a reason why a celebrity has two million followers. Fans are
checking out their appearance schedules, their love lives, their latest arrests…so
much to know about your favorite stars.

Business promotion - Many businesses are on Twitter talking about new
products or services or delivering coupons, specials, etc. Corporations also use
Twitter to address customer service issues. There have been times when in-house
customer service reps have treated me shabbily, so I took my beef to Twitter and
within minutes my problem was resolved. No company wants negative tweets
about their products or employees out there.

News - Broadcast and print media tweet out headlines, breaking news items
or emergency information. It’s a fast way to reach people and news outlets can
get feedback from the Twitter world.

Books and entertainment promotion - I use Twitter daily to talk about my
authors, writers and their work. Sometimes, no one sees a post, and other times
you hit a target and your post is a success and retweeted or liked by hundreds of
Twitter people.

I think a lot of people turn their backs on Twitter because they don’t get how
it works. Again, YouTube contains detailed lessons covering everything from
building a profile to sharing tweets, but I will give you a quick and basic
rundown of this social media platform. Here we go.
First go to Twitter.com and sign up. Pick a good password and be ready to
switch it every six months. Why? Accounts get hacked, so having a few
alternative passwords helps prevent this problem. In fact, follow this password
advice for all your social media platforms. It’s a smart idea to switch passwords
at least twice a year.

Set up your profile and a twitter handle that reflects who you are. Notice
that all Twitter handles or names begin with the @ sign. I have two accounts to
cover both my site and my publishing company. My handles are @dtcav and
@HOPress. Many Tweeps ask why I don’t have an @Humoroutcasts handle.
Well, as I explained in the social media introduction a few pages back, I was on
Twitter long before HumorOutcasts.com came into existence, and I had a
substantial following with @dtcav, so to change my Twitter name had two main
disadvantages. First, @Humoroutcasts would have confused the followers of
@dtcav who might have missed the name change, thus setting me up for a
possible string of “unfollows.” Second, @Humoroutcasts is a long Twitter name
and would take up valuable character space in each tweet. A writer suggested I
shorten it to @HO, but that might give Twitter people the wrong idea about me
or even prompt the “Real Jesus” to unfollow me, and I wasn’t sure what that
meant for the afterlife, and finally, I would probably be screening porn messages
from morning to night. So I decided to let @dtcav live as who has time to screen
messages from Twitter people who can perform amazing things with body parts
all day long?

Once you have your twitter handle, take the time to construct a good bio. I
do not follow anyone without a bio. I can’t tell if a “person” without a bio is
human or a spambot who will try to access and harvest private information or
infect my computers with viruses and worms. Another item that potential
followers look for is a photo. If you do not share what you look like, the chances
of people wanting to connect with you greatly decrease. I don’t want to hear how
you hate your photo. No one hates cameras more than I do. I am the queen of the
not-photogenic, but I put up a picture and if nothing else, it amuses my Twitter
followers.

I have a profile—now what? As is the case with Facebook, search for
names of people you might know and ask to connect. Some Facebook friends
will be on Twitter too, and you can follow them there. By the way, this happens
with all the social media platforms. Your friends will overlap. That is kind of
fun, and it will help build friendships. Twitter, like Facebook, also provides you
with suggestions of people to follow. Once you get on Twitter, followers will
find you. Others might disagree, but I am against buying Twitter followers or
Facebook followers for that matter. I do not consider bought followers to be
genuine followers. They make you look important, but do you want people to
read your work and get to know you, or do you want to look important? Only
you know what is best for you.

How do I build and organize my Tweeps? Twitter does allow you to
create lists so you can organize your followers which makes it easy to track them
down when you want to tweet out to them or find what they are posting. It’s not
a big deal to find your followers when you have a total of twenty, but if you have
10,000 followers, it becomes difficult. I keep about twenty lists that include HO
writers, entrepreneurs and psychics and spiritual healers. (I’m a writer. Are you
truly surprised by that last one?) Make lists for what interests you.

Hashtags: Social media newbies often ask about hashtags. What are they?
Hashtags or the pound sign (#) are tags that can now be used on all social media
not just Twitter. A hashtag makes one or more words searchable links. They are a
great tool because hashtags do help you organize what you read and write. When
you search on a hashtag, all posts about that topic will come up as well. I use the
hashtags #humoroutcasts and #humor a great deal in my Twitter, Google, Tumblr
and Instagram posts, and when people click on those hashtags, they will see my
writers’ work, which is wonderful.
HASHTAG EXAMPLE: Logic wins out? from @itsgoodtomock They
should know better than to ask me these questions.
http://humoroutcasts.com/2016/they-should-know-better-than-to-ask-me-these-
questions/ … #humoroutcasts #humor

In each tweet, I try to put in a funny or teaser introduction, but when one is
limited to that 140-character count, it can prove to be impossible, especially if I
want to insert a hashtag.

What should I post on Twitter? As a writer, you need to post LINKS TO
ALL YOUR WORK OR BOOKS OR VIDEOS. Wherever you have your work,
tweet out that site. Also if someone else is important in that tweet, refer to him or
her in the tweet.

TWEET REFERENCE EXAMPLES:
Ready to #laugh out loud? from @Shiglyogly Bernadette Peters Hates Me:
True Tales of a Delusional Man http://ow.ly/4ngOuh #humor

#Motherhood made not so perfect? from @DorothyRosby I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD MAKE BIRTHDAY CAKE FROM SCRATCH
http://amzn.to/1r6RFN0 #humor

Twitter followers who are interested in humor, jokes, motherhood and even
mommy bloggers will find these tweets.


I also work on my humor on Twitter. I will compose witty remarks or tweets
to grab people’s attention and hopefully this makes them want to go find out
about me and then go to my site. When I am not in promotion mode, I tweet to
friends about their families, recipes, sports interests and everyday lives. In other
words, I stay engaged. I go to my home Twitter feed and I click on my lists so
that I can see the tweets of people I follow. When I read interesting posts, I send
a tweet to those who wrote them saying I enjoyed reading their posts or I click
the heart icon under their tweets to express my like for them or the Retweet icon
to share the tweets with my followers. And it snowballs from there. Twitter is a
fun and easy platform – don’t be afraid of it; embrace it.
 What are the most important lessons of Twitter? Don’t just tweet and
never like or retweet anyone else’s posts. Life is busy, and we all get busy. There
are some weeks—and I am ashamed to admit this—I am a post and go person,
but I always make up for it when I have the time. I apologize to the Twitter
people whom I support and who support me the most. If you don’t check in with
Twitter once you join, you will miss out on followers, supporters and maybe
some good comments about your work.

Be polite. If someone retweets or likes your tweet, say thank you. The
internet is filled with angry people who because they are virtually anonymous
scream and rant about everything. A little niceness goes a long way.

Be careful of the Twitter gurus who preach that the number of people who
follow you should be greater than the number of people you follow. I don’t buy
this philosophy. As in life, make your twitter friends feel that you are interested
in their tweets and posts and the followers will build, and they will look forward
to your tweets. Do not try to manipulate the ratio of followers to those you are
following. However, I do think it’s a good idea to go through your Twitter
friends every few months to figure out who you want in your Twitter world.
There are free sites that keep track followers and those who have unfollowed
you. You can google “Twitter followers” and a few pop up immediately. I use
these sites just to make sure non-human followers have not invaded my Twitter
feed. 

LINKEDIN

I have a deep fondness for LinkedIn. As a humorist, I feel it is my
responsibility to share funny stuff on this platform because I think the serious
people who use LinkedIn need a good chuckle. LinkedIn is filled with marketing
and financial articles and political correctness. It’s fun to play with all those
serious brains by posting humor. That being said, it is a professional crowd, so I
don’t post work with bad language or sexual overtones. I save those gems for
other platforms where people are a little more loosey-goosey. Do my
connections (friends in the LinkedIn world because the word “connections” has
a far more professional tone to it) resent my sharing humor? Nope.
HumorOutcasts.com receives a great deal of hits daily from LinkedIn. Everyone
needs to laugh especially those who live in the high-stress world of business.
The thing about LinkedIn is that some members frown on people trying to
connect with anyone they don’t know. The platform is about building business
relationships, so they want to keep that professional vibe. Don’t try and be
everyone’s best friend. LinkedIn does allow you to form groups as well and chat
with experts, so it is a valuable platform. You can choose the free version or
upgrade to a paid version that gives you more tools to identify possible
connections or to pursue career opportunities.

INSTAGRAM

Instagram is a wonderful visual platform to share photos and videos. I go to
Instagram when I want to show off a new book cover from HOPress-Shorehouse
Books or a fun photo-centered post on HumorOutcasts.com. There is a great
potential to engage people on Instagram and form connections as we live in such
a visual world. My own granddog, Theo, known on Instagram as
THEO_THEGSD, has more than 20,000 followers. If a German shepherd puppy
can post on Instagram without the advantage of opposable thumbs to click on the
app, think what you can do. (For the sake of legal stuff and accuracy, I’m pretty
sure my daughter and son-in-law do the Instagram postings for Theo, but he does
tell them what to say.) Instagram allows users to partner with other followers,
and this in turn sets up many sharing possibilities. It is a great tool for
promotion.

YOUTUBE

What did we do before instructional videos on YouTube? I have learned
everything from tying a scarf to Pilates exercises to re-lighting the pilot light on
my gas fireplace from YouTube. YouTube is the teacher of all teachers, and let’s
not forget, this platform has launched quite a few celebrity careers. Some of our
writers have ventured into the video world, and when they post humorous videos
and short films on YouTube, we share the links on Humoroutcasts.com. I also
use YouTube to post our HOPress-Shorehouse Books trailers and television
interviews that our writers and authors do. And as I said at least twice now,
YouTube has video instructions for learning all the social media platforms.


GOOGLE +

I have become fans of writers whom I never would have found had it not
been for Google +. I joined several communities on this platform, and I enjoy
commenting, chatting and sharing on Google +. It’s my first stop when I want to
see what my favorite authors and bloggers are up to. It is an easy-to-use
platform and still has so much growth ahead of it. I highly recommend this
social media outlet.


PINTEREST

When Pinterest first surfaced, it intimidated me. I thought I had to know
how to bake. There were so many photos of decadent desserts and culinary
masterpieces that I assumed you had to know how to create these things and not
just eat them. Then, I noticed Pinners (Pinterest people) creating new boards
about cute dogs, home design, gardening, humor etc., and I was hooked. In
Pinterest, Pinners create virtual bulletin boards and pin photos and articles to
these boards and share them with other Pinners. When other Pinners see these
photos and boards, they, in turn, can like and share and pin them to their own
boards, and this is how the Pinterest world works. It is an ingenious platform for
sharing, and it is visually attractive as well. To this day, I think the person who
designed Pinterest should win a Nobel Prize in something. Is there a Nobel Prize
for social media? There should be, and the person behind Pinterest should win it
hands down.
Once my obsession with Pinterest had taken root, I created my own boards.
Now, I have an HO (HumorOutcasts.com) board, A Little Comic Relief board,
an HOPress-Shorehouse Books board and several others. On most of my boards
I can promote my writers and authors, and this ability has helped me get their
names out there. I promise that if you sign on to Pinterest, you will never regret
it. When my daughter was engaged and we were planning her wedding, we
created a private board, and we shared ideas between the two of us on that board.
Enough said on Pinterest; I am obviously a big fan.


STUMBLEUPON

Stumbleupon.com takes some work to learn and it does require mastering a
fair number of technical issues, but I rely on this site. They welcome fresh
content daily on all topics, and not only do I share my writers’ work here, but I
learn so much from other Stumblers (the Stumbleupon network). There are
wonderful writers, teachers, artists, health experts…you name it, they have
articles on it. When you find a post or article you like, you can share it, like it
and stumble it, which puts it out to all the other Stumblers on the platform.
Humoroutcasts.com receives hundreds of visitors a day from Stumbleupon. It
might not be the most “user-friendly” platform, but if you like to read and look
at photos (so many talented artists and photographers post their work here),
check out StumbleUpon.com

TUMBLR and REDDIT

I save these two social media sites for my edgier and younger writers as the
younger-than-boomer age group seems to be the demographic for these sites.
When I look at HO’s site analytics, we do get quite the number of 18-to-25-year-
old readers, and I would bet that most of these readers come from these
platforms. So it does not matter that I am personally not in this demographic; a
good number of my readers are, so I will share my writers’ work on both of these
sites.
While I talked about the more well-known platforms, there are hundreds
more that are directed at specific groups. Unfortunately, I cannot go into all of
them here. Just when you think you have seen the newest social media craze,
another one pops up. That is the world we live in today. No one can learn all of
them. There are only twenty-four hours in a day, so pick the ones you feel most
comfortable using and go from there, and don’t feel guilty for not visiting each
platform daily. Breathe, relax and visit when you can. Remember, social media is
about being social and enjoying the “company” of those who share that
platform.

Managing social media: If you find that you are time-challenged and
cannot log on to each platform daily, there is help for you. There are social
media scheduling platforms such as Hootsuite—there are others out there too—
that allow you to see all your social media feeds on one page and give you the
opportunity to schedule and share posts to the various platforms or analyze the
effect a post had on those platforms. Some of these social media management
sites have a free version and an upgraded pay version that gives you more
detailed information so you can choose what fits your needs best.
Another important fact of social media to know is that you can advertise on
all of them. Yes, it costs you money, but if you want to compose an ad for your
blog, book, video or whatever, you can do so. Advertising on social media is not
expensive compared to other forms of advertising, and it allows you to target the
audience you want to reach.
 PART III: HOW CAN I GET MY BOOK
PUBLISHED?

Oh, how the world of publishing has changed! Traditional publishers still
hold clout, but they are not the only game in town. A variety of publishing
platforms give authors a chance at their dream. What are your options as an
author?
 CHAPTER VIII: Can I Still be a Paperback Writer?
I love the song “Paperback Writer” by the Beatles. I feel the frustration and
urgency of the “writer” as he sings his query letter to any publisher who will
listen. What has changed since that song was released in the 1960s? That
fictional writer had a better chance of finding a traditional publisher than most
writers do today. If you write in the humor genre, you probably have a better
chance of being struck down by lightning twice and eaten by a shark in the same
day than you do signing a traditional publishing contract. Oh, the negativity—I
know, but, alas, it’s true.

In the last decade, the publishing industry has gone through upheaval after
upheaval. Is this such a bad thing? In some ways, yes and in some ways, no. I
watch Murder, She Wrote reruns on TV, and it’s sad that the old-style of
publisher who caters to writers and pays their expenses to send them on exciting
book tours is no more. Isn’t that the romantic image we all held as writers? Oh,
there are a few authors who still get the “celebrity” treatment, but chances are
they were celebrities before they were authors or bestselling writers before the
tumultuous changes in the publishing industry occurred, so this star treatment is
nothing new for their lives. Still, many writers clamor for the chance at a
traditional publishing contract, and I can understand that desire, and I will
always support it.

In this section, I don’t want to influence your opinion about any type of
publishing. I want you to know your options when it comes to getting your book
published. Whatever way you get published, I say CONGRATULATIONS! You
worked hard for that book, and I will celebrate that accomplishment.

As I said before, this is not a textbook, so I am not going to throw facts and
figures at you about any type of publishing. I want to share with you my
experiences and what led me to the HOPress-Shorehouse Book business model.
No publishing model is right for everyone. If I could, I would wave a magic
wand and give all writers the publishing contract of their dreams.

Why I got into the publishing business:

I touched upon my reasons for becoming a publisher in the introduction of
the book. I did not plan on being a publisher. My plan was to help humor writers
find an audience. As writers gained more confidence and developed their fan
bases, some wanted to fulfill their dreams of being authors. Unfortunately, there
were no traditional publishing contracts to be had for humorists. Literary agents
laughed humorists out of their offices. Some wouldn’t return phone calls. It was
during this frustrating time that three separate writers emailed me within a week
of each other to see if I could somehow publish their books.

After doing quite a bit of research, I realized that I could form an imprint
publishing house and get my writers’ work published. I named it HumorOutcasts
Press because HumorOutcasts.com was doing so well and gaining readers daily.
I figured that had to help my authors. I truly thought I would be helping only
humorists. However, within six months, writers of other genres asked for my
publishing help, and I hesitated because I felt that the name HumorOutcasts
Press did not fit well for other genres. The writers insisted I look at their work,
so I created the Shorehouse Books imprint to go along with HumorOutcasts
Press, so now writers can go to HOPress-ShorehouseBooks.com and get
information for all genres. Once I added the second imprint, the publishing
company took off. I still cannot take on all authors, but what I learned is that
there is so many talents out there who deserve to have their books published, and
I want to make that happen.

For a year and a half, we experimented with several publishing models that
ranged from no payments upfront to our current model which requires either a
one-time upfront payment or a deposit with a scheduled payment plan. In my
opinion, HOPress-Shorehouse Books is a Partner Publisher. Some people use the
term subsidy publisher and others use boutique publisher, but boutique
publishers used to refer to publishers that handled certain niches. I guess with
everything in the publishing world, that definition has grown to include subsidy
or partner publishing, but I’m still not sure if HOPress fits that mold. For
HumorOutcasts Press-Shorehouse Books, I like the term Partner Publisher—
somewhere between traditional and vanity publishing with vanity publishing
requiring a much larger investment from the author. Vanity publishing does
provide some perks such as hardcover books, and some established vanity
publishers do provide a gateway to a second-edition traditional publishing
contract. For HOPress-Shorehouse Books, our motto is Independent Publishing
with a Traditional Flair. We are truly a mix, but it does work for us and our
authors.

There are still the publishing snobs out there who think that to go the
subsidy, partner or vanity press route is to admit that as an author, one has no
talent. I truly dislike this attitude. To me, it is a fear-fear attitude as opposed to a
win-win attitude. These critics are afraid that someone using the non-traditional
paradigm will create a bestseller and make the work of traditionally published
authors less important. Excuse me while I channel my Latin teacher, Sister
Felician, who used to say, “Building yourself up by knocking others down is just
plain bad.” And she used to say it in Latin. Damn, I loved that woman. Okay,
back to the publishing point. The world changes, and you either adapt or become
extinct.
Let’s be honest. Is there any perfect publishing model? No. But it is damn
hard to sell books no matter what method of publishing a writer uses, so any
model that helps achieve that goal has its benefits. It takes commitment to be an
author. It is a difficult path, but a worthwhile one. I wish I could offer more
options for authors to make their publishing journey a bit easier, but that’s not
the writing world in the present day. Since we began publishing in late 2012, we
have published more than 40 titles, and I have authors-to-be submitting work on
a weekly basis. In 2016, we added a business imprint, Corner Office Books, for
entrepreneurs and business leaders who realize they need a book for speaking
engagements or to cement their status as experts in their field. For HOPress-
Shorehouse Books, the learning curve has been a steep one but so much fun.
And with each release, our name gets more attention and so do our authors, and I
guess that’s what our goal was all along.

Do we hold a monopoly on this model? Absolutely not, and I like that fact. I
admire other companies that have formed subsidy or partner publishing houses
especially the oh-so-proper big publishers who now see the value in this type of
publishing. I believe that as our publishing model gains more ground, writers
stand a better chance of finding a publishing company that fits their needs. I
think brick-and-mortar booksellers, who have already started to thaw their
attitude about non-traditional publishers, will continue to open their doors to
these authors without restrictions.

What it comes down to is this: Publishing today makes me scream with
delight. It is so exciting. I feel as if we are all witnessing the birth of a new world
—one where authors and publishers have equal stake in the process, and that is
wonderful.

It’s important that authors understand the four main publishing models that
exist today so that they can pursue the best option for their writing needs.

 TRADITIONAL PUBLISHING

When a writer dreams of a traditional publishing contract, that dream begins
with a literary agent who uses his or her keen negotiating skills to secure a big-
name publisher for a talented author. There is no cooler fantasy for writers than
getting an email or phone call from a literary agent in New York or Los Angeles
who says, “I am going to represent you and get you a five-figure advance.”

Alas, this fantasy rarely occurs. You might get an agent and/or a contract,
but the five-figure advance is tough to get if you are not already famous. But
let’s say the Universe heard your request and sends you a traditional publishing
contract. It’s good to know the advantages and disadvantages of traditional
publishing before you sign on the dotted line.

Advantages of Traditional Publishing:

You have name recognition behind your book.
If you are a well-known celebrity, athlete or a recent headline
in the news, you stand a good shot of getting that book tour we
all dream about.
You have an in-house editor to review your book and make
changes and an in-house cover designer.
Your traditional publisher might print hardcover copies of your
work.
You have the chain bookstores and independent bookstores
willing to carry your book.
You don’t pay the costs of returned books from bookstores.
That cost is on your publisher.
You will have some marketing support (at least for the first
month of a book’s release).
You pay no upfront costs.
Disadvantages of Traditional Publishing:

You will be giving your publisher between 75 and 90 percent of
your royalties for paperbacks, and if they do eBooks, they will
receive a similar royalty structure. Your royalty percentage
 could increase or decrease as more books sell. It depends on the
contract and your clout as an author.
Your in-house editor might have control over the content of
your book. You might not be consulted on changes or edits.
You might not have a say in your cover design.
Although they should provide some marketing support, the
majority of marketing and promotion will fall in your lap.
Your book cannot be topical as traditional publishers can take
up to three years to release a book. If they sign other books
they consider more topical or marketable, they can push your
book release back.
You might have to take a backseat to celebrity authors or
bestselling authors already on their client list.
You can’t get in the door of a traditional publisher without a
literary agent, and they are as difficult to contract as publishers.



SUBSIDY OR PARTNER PUBLISHING

Whatever you want to call this business model, know you will have to make an
initial investment in your book. Some companies provide an a la carte menu in
an attempt to work with any budget, so it’s important that you understand the
services you need and compare the prices for these services and what they
include. They vary widely from publisher to publisher, so take your time and talk
to different companies.

Advantages of Subsidy or Partner Publishing:

You don’t need an agent and you will have a REAL publisher.
You don’t have to know anything about publishing or how to get a
book into print.
You get a higher royalty percentage than you do with traditional
publishers. AND you should get regular royalty statements and
payments.
You maintain control of your book project.
Any changes or edits must meet with your approval and/or you can
choose to contract your own editor.
There is a short release window between submission of final
manuscript and release or you can select your release date.
Partner publishers SHOULD handle everything from the purchase
of ISBNs to formatting the book to the release of the book and
marketing if you want that service.
You can choose services such as cover design and editing and are
not forced to use any services you don’t need. Partner publishers
should offer some basic promotion in their initial package cost.
They have to do some promotion to sell books so they make a profit
as well.
If you pay for promotion and marketing, publishers should write
press releases, set up author pages for you on their website, send out
review requests, send out interview requests, compose media lists
and follow up with those lists and send out a number of review
copies too.
Many partner and subsidy publishers use Print-on-Demand or POD
publishing platforms, which means authors should not be required
 to inventory books.
Well-respected partner publishers who use POD platforms do use
Ingram to distribute their books, and therefore they are available for
purchase for all bookstores.
Well-respected partner publishers will offer both paperback and
eBook formats.
Books get great online exposure through online retailer sites.
Many established writers are abandoning traditional publishing for
partner publishing because of the freedom they have with the
production of their books and the royalty structure.


Disadvantages of Subsidy and Partner Publishers:

You will have to pay upfront costs. Costs vary from publisher to
publisher and services offered.
You do not have an editorial team at your disposal. In other words,
if you pay for editing, it is one editor. If you choose to hire your
own editor, you will be responsible for delivering a ready-to-go
manuscript to your publisher.
Even if you sign on for marketing and promotion, you will have to
be ready to self-promote. That’s why it is called partner publishing.
This model is about teamwork.
You will have to embrace social media to get the word out.
If you choose not to pay for promotion, you will have to write your
own press releases, send out pitches to set up interviews and
reviews or risk not selling any books.
Bookstores might be hesitant about working with subsidy or partner
publishers because POD sites do not pay bookstores for returned
books. If your publisher does get your book in a brick-and-mortar
bookstore, you might have to pay for warehousing fees for books
that do not sell or for return fees. Some larger subsidy publishers do
offer the option of adding protection against this returned book cost
for an additional fee in their publishing package for a certain period
of time following the release of a book.





VANITY PUBLISHING:

Vanity publishing has been around almost as long as traditional publishing.
Some industry experts consider subsidy and vanity publishing to be the same
thing, but I disagree. Vanity publishing requires a much larger investment and
does not usually use a POD platform for its books. Some authors pay in excess
of $10,000 for a Vanity publishing contract. However, the products are high-
quality and there is still a publisher name on the copyright page.

Advantages of Vanity Publishing:

More options for book production such as color illustrations, book
size and paper weight
Most vanity publishers do offer hardcover books, so for writers
penning gift books, this might be the best platform available.
Well-known vanity publishers are watched by traditional publishers
and might attract traditional publishers to a writer’s work.
Authors do have a say in cover design and editing.
The turn-around from submission to release is shorter than that of
traditional publishing.
Bookstores will carry books released by vanity publishers but
depending upon the publisher, the warehousing costs might still be
on the author.

Disadvantages of Vanity Publishing:

It’s still hard to overcome the stigma of vanity publishing.
The costs usually run more than $10,000 which is a much greater
investment than what is needed for subsidy or partner publishing.
Vanity publishers that do not utilize POD might require authors to
inventory a large number of books, which increases the authors’
investment for publication.
Not all vanity publishers offer uniform services, so writers have to
investigate carefully as they would with subsidy and partner
publishers .


SELF-PUBLISHING:

Fed up with the world of publishing, some writers have decided to go it alone. I
admire these writers because I think they show great courage. Those who are
tech savvy, should probably not have a problem with the self-publishing process
itself but if you are a person who can’t change the ink in your printer, think twice
and then think one more time about going the self-publishing route. Self-
publishing will require research and the ability to format your book. POD
companies such as Amazon do offer assistance for self-publishers, but you have
to pay for that assistance. So before you make the commitment to self-
publishing, figure out your costs and time commitment. If you are confident you
can handle both, go for it!

Advantages of Self-Publishing

If you are comfortable with technology, it will be the most
economical way to produce a book.
You share no royalties with anyone except the POD company who
publishes your work.
You have TOTAL control over every aspect of the book.
You can bring in consultants and experts as you need them.
With lower upfront costs, you can spend more money on marketing
and promotion, which you WILL need to spend.
Disadvantages of Self-Publishing:

The production of the book is only the first step to a successful
book launch. If you are an author/book publishing novice, you
will learn hard lessons as you have no expertise in the book
publishing world.
You have to take on the “General Contractor” role and hire your
cover artist, editor, proofreader and promotion specialist, and
those costs might surprise you. You also have to coordinate
deadlines with these people and set up virtual or real meetings
too. And guess what? Your boss might not understand your
taking time out for all your book stuff…go figure.
You will discover how time consuming promotion will be.
 Don’t get discouraged. You will build confidence as a promoter.
And if you have a nice family, they will buy books and help you
promote too—well, except your teenage kids. They will deny
you wrote anything.
You will have to counter the negative image that many still
possess for a self-published author. (Some media outlets will not
talk to self-published authors.) For the record, this negative
image is ridiculous. I have read more talented self-published
authors than traditionally published ones in the last few years,
so don’t let anyone rock your confidence.


Some Ponderings about Publishing

When I speak about publishing, writers ask so many questions, but the questions
that pop up all the time are those about my goals as a writer and experiences as a
writer and publisher. I want to share these questions with you.
If a traditional publisher offered to publish one of my books would I turn them
down?

I would have to think about it. I would never say no without weighing the pros
and cons. Traditional publishers have published my work in the past, and I do
get the appeal. But now as a partner publisher, I would probably pass unless, of
course, they offer me the Murder, She Wrote publishing package complete with
the whirlwind book tour with accommodations at the most expensive hotels
throughout the world that come with pre-paid spa packages. Hey, I’m committed
to my authors, but I’m not stupid. I know what a good massage is worth.

What are my biggest frustrations with publishing today?


1) The closed-door policy of traditional publishers and literary agents.
2) The negative attitude that both writers and non-writers still possess
about non-traditional methods of publishing.
3) The idea that the publisher is solely responsible for book promotion.
4) The false notion that subsidy/partner publishers and self-published
authors put out low-quality books and covers.

Sometimes people are caught in a time warp or they possess biases that are
no longer true. In fact, today’s vanity, partner and self-published books are
just as high-quality as those released by traditional publishers.
 
 CHAPTER IX: Go Forth and Spread Laughter!

I know that because you read this short book, you won’t be an expert humor
writer. It’s taken me thirty years to achieve my level of expertise, and I’m still
learning. I still get nervous about posting a piece or essay. I truly want you to
understand that the most talented writers have essays or posts that fall flat. It’s
okay if that happens. Humor is so subjective, and you have to realize that not
everyone is going to like your work. The earlier you realize that, the funnier you
will become because you will remove the self-imposed weight of comic genius
from your shoulders.

One final note: If you cannot tell, I am serious about humor. There is no
greater gift than giving people the opportunity to let go of all their stress to
laugh. If we could all learn to do this more often, the world would be a much
kinder place. Never let anyone try to tell you that humor is superfluous or
unimportant fluff. When you do run across those people—and you will—pity
them because they have lost the meaning of what it means to be human, or better
yet, tell them a joke unless of course, they look like they might hurt you. Then,
just walk away.

In closing, thank you for allowing me to share my experiences and
knowledge with you. Not all of you will agree with what I teach, but that’s okay.
Feel free to create your own spin and try out your own ideas. If you want
feedback on your writing exercises or blog posts or writing goals, contact me:
 [email protected] or
[email protected]

You can still try Betsy too. Maybe a Ouija board would be the most direct
path for her though. Nah! I’m kidding. She still has an email address:
[email protected]. One of us will get back to you.
 



Humor Inspiration: Bill Y Ledden

Humor writing is about writing humor. It's about deep, passionate hatred.
When you hate Bon Jovi more than all the films of Will Smith and his family of
talentless actors, you'll never be without material. Humor writing is observing
the minute and blowing it so much out of proportion that it leaves the reader in
no doubt that you're extracting the wee wee. Humor writing is taking the absurd,
putting it through a creative process and ending up with something that makes
ridiculous nonsense. Humor writing is about grabbing the rules and bending
them so much that their only career choice is Artistic Gymnastics. There are
tried and tested ways of making someone laugh but instead of learning these, dip
your feet so far in the water that it covers your head and make it up as you go
along. You'll find your own creative process and an identity that will give you a
voice as distinct as Pavarotti singing John Lennon's "Imagine" without lyrics.

Bill Y Ledden is a mysterious Irish humorist who visits HumorOutcasts.com
daily. His talents for Photoshop, captions and mocking have made his work go
viral more times than the editors of HumorOutcasts.com can count. Some say
Bill Y uses his humor to address his contempt for Bon Jovi and some Hollywood
actors. This might be true, but whatever his goal, he keeps readers laughing on
a daily basis while maintaining his ultra-secret identity.
 


Humor Inspiration: Bill Spencer

Like sex, humor is best when other people are involved. (For the graphic,
uncensored working out of the lewd, lascivious, dirty details of this sex analogy,
see the fourth paragraph.)

When I was a younger man, a month ago, some people told me creating
humor was ridiculously easy, and I believed them, but now that I'm older I
realize they were absolutely right. Sometimes I get lucky and read something I
myself think is funny—like the fact that 5 of the 100 women in a Maxim survey
said "It's so hot when a man . . . cooks"--and I'm able to use that as a springboard
to make fun of myself, in this case my lack of hotness. But usually I focus on
something that bothers me, such as student reviews calling me a "COMPLETE
jerk" or "overall the DEVIL" or the time my five-year-old stepson jumped up
and down on my shadow, right in the crotch-al area.

So the biggest source of inspiration for my humor writing is myself—my
own quirks, failings, and failures. The humor comes when I'm able to see myself
through others' eyes: my bungling as a Scout "leader," my storied trumpet-
playing "career," or how my wife might see my incessant punning as less
hilarious than I do. I love to play. I'm a kid who refused to grow up. It seems to
me that to be a humorist it's important to play with language, to play with others,
and, above all, it's important to play with yourself.


Bill Spencer's humor writing has been published by Funny Times, Narrative
magazine, Reader's Digest, The Inconsequential, Clever magazine,
Defenestration, HumorOutcasts.com, The Short Humour Site, Hobo Pancakes,
and Nuthouse. He has also published scholarly articles on the novels of Cormac
McCarthy. He lives in a cabin in the mountains of North Carolina with his wife,
artist-poet Carolyn Elkins.

 


Humor Inspiration: Heidi Clements

For me, humor can be found in any situation, from a night with friends to a
morning at the supermarket. From walking my dog to getting my nails done –
when something ridiculous happens within the mundane – it never fails to make
me laugh. What inspires me to write about those humorous situations is some
bizarre desire to share my embarrassment with others. Most people don’t feel
comfortable revealing those red-faced moments in life but I seem to revel in it.
Maybe if I write about the things everyone has gone through but is too afraid to
say – it will help some others find the laughter in their own embarrassment. I
took a soak in a hot spring this weekend that I’m quite certain was filled with
human waste. That makes me laugh.


Heidi Clements is an Executive Producer and Writer on the Freeform show
Baby Daddy. She writes a blog called “Welcome To Heidi” and can be found
wasting her time on Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook under the same name.
She hopes to one day rule the world or at least perfect a pineapple upside down
cake.


 


Humor Inspiration: Cathy Sikorski

Humor writing may be the most disrespected genre in the literary world.
Many would say it does not even rise to a place where it deserves the name
“literary.” Nevertheless, this is where I have chosen to hang my writer’s hat
because it is my view of the world. I find nothing less inspiring, calming or
easing of tension than using humor. Who wouldn’t want to live in a laughing
world as long as possible every single day?
Some might look at my journey so far and say it has been daunting and
incredible. Incredible by its very definition which means not to be believed. But
to be given the job, even tangentially, as a caregiver for seven different family
members and friends over the past 25 years has been a grace underscored by
volumes of humor.
I would say humor inspires my writing, but the attitude that it’s all truly very
funny at some point, either in the moment or looking back, is the gift I’ve been
given. As a caregiver, I have encountered much frustration, anger, and
disappointment. As a lawyer, it’s pretty much the same. As a humorist, it is a
constant rainbow of material and an opportunity to look at life in a much
different way.
I love humor writing. I love sarcasm, ranting, puns and insults to myself—I
love it all. I will likely stay a humor writer throughout my career as it gives me
great joy, great internal and external power, and apparently is a very healthy way
to live and look at life.

Cathy Sikorski is the author of Showering with Nana: Confessions of a
Serial Killer Caregiver. She has been a significant caregiver for the last 25 years
for seven different family members and friends. A published humorist, Sikorski is
also a practicing attorney who limits her practice to Elder Law issues. Her
combined legal and humor expertise has made her a sought after speaker and
radio guest where she tackles the Comedy of Caregiving and the legal issues that
affect those who will one day be or need a caregiver (which is everyone).
Sikorski has participated in memoir writing classes for two years at the
prestigious Fine Arts Work Center in Provincetown, Massachusetts. She has also
participated in the Philadelphia Writer’s Conference where she won a Humor
Prize in 2014. Sikorski blogs for The Huffington Post and is a contributing
author for HumorOutcasts.com


 


Humor Inspiration: Roz Warren

There’s comedy all around you, if you pay attention. For instance? One day
I arrived at the library where I work to find this sign posted on the front door:
“The library’s computers are not working today, which means that you will not
be able to check out material unless you have your library card. We’re very sorry
for the incontinence.”
Spell check strikes again!
I broke up. But I also thought: I can use this. And I did, in a humor piece
about library work. Humor writing can be about coming up with, then
developing, a good premise. But a lot of it is just noticing (and enjoying) The
Funny, and then passing it along.

Roz Warren, “the world’s funniest librarian,” writes for The New York
Times, The Funny Times, The Christian Science Monitor, The Jewish Forward,
The Huffington Post and HumorOutcasts.com. And she’s been featured on the
Today Show. (Twice!) Roz’s latest book, Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection
of Library Humor, has earned rave reviews from fans and empathetic librarians
throughout the world. She is also the editor of the ground-breaking Women’s
Glib humor collections, including titles like The Best Contemporary Women’s
Humor, Men Are From Detroit, Women Are From Paris and When Cats Talk
Back. Check out her website at www.rosalindWarren.com



Humor Inspiration: Mary Farr

I might have been ten years old when my father, an upstanding circuit court
judge, handed me a gift-wrapped copy of Damon Runyon’s Guys and Dolls.
While this might have seemed like an odd choice of reading material for a ten-
year-old girl, it suited me well. I had already fallen in love with the feckless,
adorable gambler Nathan Detroit. Frankly, Runyon’s outrageously silly
characters made such an impression on me that Nicely Johnson and Harry the
Horse appeared in my recent book Never Say Neigh (no surprise, co-written with
my own horse).

In short, my father The Judge understood the meaning of funny and shared
his gift with our extended family early and often. A quintessential storyteller, he
paid attention to details that others missed. For example, when my grandparents’
elderly Norwegian housekeeper, Clara Christianson, explained how her husband
died, nobody but The Judge heard her say the man died of “Applestrokesy.” This
irregular version of the medical condition apoplexy soon found its way into the
Farr humor lexicon.

The humor business spread like poison ivy through the family. Someone
was always itching to regale the rest of us with a droll piece of trivia. Irreverent
tales about deer hunting camp, Prohibition, weasels diving into occupied
sleeping bags, Lena Tarbox slugging the district attorney with her purse in the
courtroom, Artie Sullivan piloting his new Cadillac into Elk Creek—these tales
and more punctuated our dinner conversation. My mother just rolled her eyes.
Somehow, I concluded at about age eleven that I must be Damon Runyon’s
protégé. Hence, I started writing humor, or at least what seemed funny to me.
My first book, I Think My Brother Likes Me, failed due to what the editor called
inappropriate treatment of our Labrador retriever Sam. Actually, we loved Sam,
and all we did was hide him in the car trunk for a hasty ride to school for Show
and Tell. It was awhile before I submitted another manuscript to a humorless
editor.

So here it is fifty years later, and nothing has changed. My brother has
picked up where The Judge left off. I continue to blog for a horse named Noah, a
bit of a stretch even in the humor world. The best part is we all learned to laugh
out loud at ourselves and at our observations of our world around us. Maybe that
was the real humor lesson The Judge was angling for.

Mary Farr, a retired health care executive and pediatric hospital chaplain,
has devoted thirty years to exploring the worlds of hope, healing and humor.
Today, she has merged these life essentials into her newest book, The Promise in
Plan B, What We Bring to the Next Chapter in Our Lives. Mary’s capacity to
infuse audiences with joy and confidence inspires compassion and a rich
understanding of happiness. Mary is also the author of the award-winning Never
Say Neigh: An Adventure in Fun, Funny and the Power of Yes which was written
through the eyes of her horse Noah Vail.


Humor Inspiration: Deb Martin-Webster

I was a very inquisitive kid, always wanting to know how things worked.
My key talent was breaking things while trying to figure out how they worked.
This talent got me into lots of trouble, causing my mom and dad major
headaches and costly repair bills. After numerous time-outs to reflect on my
dastardly deeds, I had an epiphany. I discovered that I could get out of trouble if
I made my parents laugh. So I began making fun of the way our next-door
neighbor sneezed, the weird way my aunts and uncles chewed, imitating my
nerdy school teachers – the list goes on.
As I matured, if you can call a permanent case of arrested development
maturing, I started writing humorous anecdotes about everyday life, places I’ve
visited and situations that seem to be normal but are completely insane if you
think about them—for instance, people getting butt implants and other people
trying to get rid of their big butts. Why don’t they just organize a swap meet?
But I digress. As a writer I make it a point to add my unique sense of humor to
my novels, infusing a bit of it in the characters I create. And, when all else fails,
I fall back on the “I’ve got your nose!” trick – it never gets old!

After a successful career in Art Administration at Temple University/Tyler
School of Art, Deb has taken on a new challenging career as an aspiring writer.
Author of the short story “A Hot Dog Stand in the Himalayas,” Deb has
written two western romances: Love, Montana and Always, Montana. Forever,
Montana is now in the works.
Deb is an original HOer as well. You can check out her popular series
“Friday Humor Devotional,” prayer with an attitude.



 


Humor Inspiration: Dorothy Rosby

A few years back, I was stopped for speeding. I don’t mean to imply that
that’s only happened to me once. But this particular time was unusual in that
instead of sitting and fuming while the officer went back to his car to write my
ticket and check my outstanding warrants (and no, I didn’t have any), I pulled
out a notebook and started making notes for a column on speeding tickets. I tell
you this because it explains where my inspiration comes from, which is every
stupid thing that happens to me, but mostly the ones that weren’t very funny
while they were happening.
If I can have only one talent, and apparently that’s all I get, I can’t
think of one I’d rather have than finding humor where at first glance, there
doesn’t seem to be any. And in case you’re wondering, since that first column on
speeding tickets, I’ve been “inspired” to write two more.


Dorothy Rosby is an author and syndicated humor columnist whose work
appears in publications in eleven Western and Midwestern states. Her column
has been recognized by the South Dakota Newspaper Association, the South
Dakota Federation of Press Women, and the National Federation of Press
Women. Her latest release is I Didn’t Know You Could Make Birthday Cake
From Scratch: Parenting Blunders from Cradle to Empty Nest. She is also the
author of the humor book I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to
Know Me Better.


Humor Inspiration: Keith Stewart

I find inspiration for writing humor by being open to the possibilities each
day presents to me. Most of the pieces I write involve my getting into some sort
of embarrassing or uncomfortable situation. Like most people, I am mortified or
humiliated or just downright ashamed as the actual event is happening. But
afterwards, when I am safely back in my comfort zone and away from the actual
scene, I start to think about what happened to cause me to feel that way.
At this point, I have a choice. I can continue to feel bad about the public
embarrassment I have inflicted on myself, recoil to the bed, hide under the
covers, and swear never to return to that particular place again, or I can examine
the situation as a third party would have seen it. If I can imagine myself as an
innocent bystander watching what happened, more often than not, I begin
laughing. Once the laughter hits, my decision is made. I have to write about it.
For instance, just last week I had an appointment with a doctor. During the
visit, it was determined I needed a shot. I stripped down to my skivvies for the
nurse, and she injected me with medicine. As I undressed for bed later that night,
I realized I had worn my underwear backwards all day, including the ten minutes
or so I was standing around in nothing but shorts at the doctor’s office in front of
several people. I was initially horrified at myself. I decided I would have to find
a new doctor because that one would surely think I was mentally unstable. But
as I thought more about it, I imagined what the reaction of the nurse must have
been when she saw me standing there. I began to get tickled; then I laughed. At
that moment, inspiration struck for a great humor piece on going to the doctor.
While not everyone may wear his or her underwear backwards in public,
everyone does experience embarrassing moments. It’s a universal fact that we all
make fools of ourselves at some point. By writing about mine, I think it helps
people know they aren’t alone in these crazy mishaps, and whatever it is that
they feel terrible about may not be so bad after all.
Readers of my book or blog are constantly telling me hilariously
embarrassing stories that happened to them. They feel safe telling me what
happened because they know I can relate to their struggle to save face in public.
Having that connection with people further inspires me to keep on looking for
humor in everything that happens to me. I know that humor is there. Even if it’s
hard to find at first glance, it’s waiting to be found.

Keith Stewart is the author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me – True Tales of a
Delusional Man. A native of Appalachia, he splits his time between his
hometown of Hyden and nearby Lexington, Kentucky. His work has been
published in several anthologies and various publications. He is a regular
contributor to HumorOutcasts.com and the GoodMenProject.com. He lives with
his husband Andy, and their two dogs, Duke and Dudley.
 


Humor Inspiration: Tim Jones

My style of humor writing draws heavily from what is known as
“observational humor” – looking at everyday situations most of us have
experienced, sometimes with frustrating outcomes, and culling them for the
humor I can find. I try to look at everyday situations most people have been
through, like the frustration of teaching your teenager how to drive, or
conducting a yard sale, or the hassles of airline travel, or entering Costco,
intending to buy only groceries but coming out with a 56” High Def flat screen
TV.
When writing about my own experiences, I often exaggerate – sometimes to
preposterous extremes. But there is almost always a large kernel of truth, with
which I am hoping the reader can identify and say to themselves, “Yeah, been
there; done that.” I often write about mundane things that happened to me and
look for a way to make my experience relatable to the average reader. For
example, recently, I took my teenage daughter around to a couple dozen car
dealerships to help her purchase her first car. She didn’t know the first thing
about car buying. The actual two-day car shopping experience was exhausting,
frustrating and at times infuriating. It’s from these sorts of “everyman”
experiences that I draw a lot of my humor.
One of my preferred approaches to humor writing is to find a topic that I
know almost nothing about – say, how to solve our nation’s debt crisis – and
then pontificate as if I were the foremost authority on the issue, proceeding to
offer up seriously misguided advice. I am not afraid to pretend to be an expert on
just about any subject. Especially parenting. I have written many posts in which
I offered up “expert advice” on how to be a better parent, pulling heavily from
my own egregious mistakes in that arena. Case in point, a piece I wrote called
“Always Lie to Your Kids.” Thankfully, my kids have never really paid much
attention to what I have to say, and that includes my humor writing, so they’re
fine about it.
In the end, I think it’s not the challenges, frustrations and disappointments
that we all experience day in and day out in life that matter so much as how we
let them impact us. I choose, through my writing, to laugh at my life’s
frustrations, mistakes and failures – and laugh at myself – and hopefully, in the
process, help others to do the same. That’s why I write. It sure isn’t for the
money.

You can find the work of Tim Jones on HumorOutcasts.com as well as his
popular blog ViewFromTheBleachers.net. His first book YOU’RE GROUNDED
FOR LIFE-Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good At The Time has
received rave reviews from parents in all stages of life, who after reading Tim’s
book, now feel much better about their child-rearing choices.





Humor Inspiration: Jen Tucker

Humor is everywhere. It’s in the day-to-day, the mundane, your Great Dane
—you get the picture. The thing about finding what’s funny is choosing to see it.
Laughs can be obvious, like when your kindergartner has planned her one-sided
nuptials to Matt Lauer. Others may take a little distance to tickle your funny
bone, such as the debacle at the post office that may have earned you a ranking
on a certain list—not that I’d know anything about that scenario.
From puns to dirty jokes, what makes something funny? That, my friend, is
up to the funny bone. For me, seeing the humor in life is what gets me through. I
believe humor can be the silver lining in situations, making an appearance when
we look for ways to cope, relieve stress, or escape the curveballs life throws our
way. If you can see through the muck and mire of your own circumstances and
grasp onto humor, I think you’re one step ahead of the game. Humor is a
universal language. Speak it!
 
Humorist Jen Tucker is a writer of films, commercials, columns, books, grocery
lists, and lunchbox love notes. Her memoir, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside
Out was a 2011 Goodreads semifinalist in the humor category. She is a proud
member of HumorOutcasts, where her writings have been featured. Her musings
have appeared on Survival for Blondes, Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop,
Survival Mom, and Apraxia Mom. Jen lives in Indiana with her ever-patient
husband, three moxie-filled children, and two flight-risk golden retrievers.


Humor Inspiration: Billy Dees

Good humor is much like good music. Are there some certain criteria for it?
Probably not, but when you hear it, you know it. If you’re like me, a good pop
song entertains the soul as much as a great classical composition. It really is a
matter of what the overall artistic message is and how it’s packaged.

I am able to enjoy a “dirty joke” as much as any other carnivorous male of
the human species. However, if you ask me about the gag the next day, it is very
possible I will not remember it. What humor will I remember? The answer is the
same for any standup routine, sitcom, or silly romantic comedy. The best humor
provides observations and insights into human behavior as we react to life’s
curious and sometimes ironic circumstances.

This is a general principle that I try to apply to all of my writing and creative
endeavors. Is there a different perspective that the reader may not have
considered yet? Especially in an ideologically driven world, it doesn’t matter
how well researched the subject is; rehashing the same points of view is futile.
On the other hand, if you can give the audience a peek behind the curtain of a
given topic your chances improve immeasurably of making an impression.

Once in a while you’ll be able to make them laugh at themselves.
That’s when you’ve really won.

Billy Dees enjoys science, news, and pop culture and is always ready for a
great conversation. He is an editorialist, voice-over man, and overall creative
type.
www.BillyDeesSpace.com
 


Humor Inspiration: Concha Alborg

In many ways writing a book with humor is similar to living life with
humor. If I can see how ironic a situation is, no matter how difficult or serious,
then I'm fine. Humor has saved me on many an occasion on the page and in life
when I could have screamed with frustration.

Take the day that I had to go to the post office to pick up a package. I love
Philadelphia, but mail delivery living in Center City can be a frustrating
experience. One needs to be at home at the precise moment the mailman arrives
as if he were Prince Charming. If you miss him, your package ends up in the
Central Post Office, where the lines are long and slow and there is no place to
park within four or five city blocks.

It was Valentine's Day, the first Hallmark holiday since my cheating
husband had died. I had been warned how difficult each first event as a new
widow would be. The holiday package turned out to be the Don Juan's ashes!
No, it wasn't flowers or candy. I wouldn't be having a romantic evening with him
either. I hadn't fixed his favorite Spanish dish. There was no sweet little gift
waiting for him, not even a corny card saying how much I loved him. But there
I was walking arm in arm, so to speak, with my late Valentine. Such a small
package for a man with such a big ego!

I took advantage of the unexpected coziness to tell him that I had found out
about his affairs, that I wasn't grieving for him but for the happy marriage I
thought we had. I told him that, ironically, I felt free on this my first holiday
without him. My first and his last, that was certain.

Humor helped me write about life as a modern widow, dating on the Internet
and surviving to tell the stories. Humor makes a terrible situation into something
more palatable. Humor saved me.

To read more about this relationship, see Divorce after Death. A Widow's
Memoir.

Concha Alborg earned an MA from Emory University and a PhD in Spanish
Literature from Temple University. In addition to numerous academic
publications on contemporary women writers, she has been actively writing
fiction and creative non-fiction. Recently, she left Saint Joseph’s University,
where she was a professor for more than twenty years, to write full time. She has
published two collections of short stories: Una noche en casa (Madrid, 1995)
and Beyond Jet-Lag (New Jersey, 2000) and a novel, American in Translation: A
Novel in Three Novellas (Indiana, 2011).

 


Humor Inspiration: Eric Hetvile

I am mainly attracted to things that I feel are, on the surface, completely
absurd to me, but maybe not yet seen that way by many people. Sometimes you
need a humorous nudge further down the road to maybe see things in a slightly
different light. This usually brings me to religion and politics. These are two
areas where people sort of operate on auto-pilot. I don't think you could get a lot
of people to buy into a story about a guy coming back from the dead in 2016.
But since it happened a long time ago, it's somehow more believable.
Resurrection: yes, indecipherable golden plates in a cave: no. And many stories
are well established as somehow uplifting, when in reality when given a fresh
look, are horribly screwed up. "Biblemania—The Story of Job" and "Biblemania
—The Story of Lot" are some pieces where I explore these tales. I also am drawn
to the constant idea that God was "looking out for" people who went through
horrible circumstances and barely lived. "Man Paralyzed and Left for Dead
Pretty Sure God Has Special Plan for Him." Or the fact that some metal in a
deadly explosion was twisted in the shape of a cross? Gee, thanks.
Some recent examples concern some "conservative" issues in the news.
Some southern states rose up angrily to protest any possible refugees coming to
their states. So I tried to turn that on its head in "Syrian Refugees Refusing to
Move to Texas, Louisiana, or Alabama." What if the refugees would rather take
their chances with ISIS than have to live in Texas?
And I constantly see people complaining about what some poor person
might or might not be eating with food stamps.
Where does it end? What would make people happy? "New Missouri Law
Requires Those on Public Assistance to Wear Burlap Sacks." But basically just
random stuff.

Eric Hetvile is a devout atheist and liberal who never hides from
controversy with his social commentary. An original member of the
HumorOutcasts.com family, Eric has the honor of generating the most hate mail
for HumorOutcasts.com editors. But we still love him.




 


Humor Inspiration: Paul De Lancey

I use humor because I love to make people laugh. Sometimes, though, the
subject is so serious that you either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh. I also add
humor to a subject because I have to be different than other writers. I need to add
something to the genre. My cookbook, Eat Me, is an example of this. The
humorous tidbits I add at the end of each recipe make the cookbook enjoyable as
well as informative.
However, there are some instances where I’ve found it is unwise to use
humorous writing; letters to law enforcement and the IRS come to mind. I
actually find it quite easy to inject, not infest as some detractors might claim,
humor into writing. I mean, how could one make bun cha, a Vietnamese entree,
and not wonder if man buns caused the Cuban Revolution? Or not contemplate
opportunities in the stock market after a nuclear war? Assuming you’d survive,
that would be a real laugh-or-cry moment. Again, I’d choose to laugh. I would
always choose to laugh, unless of course, the only food remaining in apocalyptic
times was lutefisk. So there you have it. Laugh and the world will laugh with
you or at you. In either case, your audience will be so enthralled with you that
they’ll stop dreaming up ways to create bank fees or make airline travel
miserable. And for that shining moment, you will have done humanity a great
service.

Paul De Lancey is known as HumorOutcasts.com’s comic chef as well as the
presidential candidate for the Bacon & Chocolate Party. He writes in multiple
genres: adventure, westerns, morality, time travel, thriller, and culinary, all
spiced with zaniness. His cookbook, Eat Me, 169 Fun Recipes from All Over the
World and his novels Beneficial Murders, We’re French and You’re Not and The
Fur West have won acclaim from award-winning novelists. His latest work (Do
Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?) shows us how Armageddon might be
unleashed when the Devil and a supermarket cashier conspire to trick a man
into eating a mushroom. Paul is also the writer of hilarious articles and
somewhat drier ones in economics. Dr. De Lancey obtained his Doctorate in
Economics from the University of Wisconsin. His thesis, Official Reserve
Management and Forecasts of Official Reserves, disappears from bookstore
shelves so quickly that most would-be purchasers can never find it in stock.







Humor Inspiration: John Chamberlin

I guess the one thing that inspires my sense of humor is the fact that I am
first to laugh at myself. For example, I can’t dance. Well, maybe I think that I
can after a little bit of alcohol. So, just like the 6th grade dance, as an adult, I
stand along a wall or sit in a back corner at weddings and parties and make fun
of the people that are dancing poorly. My excuse for doing that is I know full
well that, if I were watching me dance, or if others were watching me dance,
we’d all be making fun of me! “Is he hearing the same song the rest of us are
hearing?” So I’m taking my shot when I can.
Secondly, I am inspired by the underdogs of life. I hate it when people are
rude to others or think of themselves as “too good” for the rest of us. I’m pretty
confident in myself, but I could never be so confident that I could be snooty.
Okay, maybe I can be snooty about crispy French fries, but, ok, wait, maybe
peanut butter, but that’s about it.
Is it my God-given right to poke fun at others that act like Jagoffs? Probably
not, but I figure, the first step in being legit is pointing at myself when necessary,
and then, I have some “street cred” to go out and see the humor going on, i.e.
poke fun at others. And when I do poke fun, I try to stretch the reality a bit and
then, just a bit more. For example, should the dumb bank robber have robbed
the bank with his face in plain sight? No, he should have worn a mask. No wait,
too late for that, but at least I can suggest that he uses one of those crazy
SnapChat filters for his mug shot!
John Chamberlin is the author of the award-winning humor book Above the
Fries. Born and raised in the Pittsburgh area, loyal denizen John Chamberlin
has carved out a niche writing and talking about Jagoffs, i.e. stupid politicians,
awful sports officials, dumb criminals, bad drivers, ignorant people and so on.
He is the creator/writer of www.YaJagoff.com and the YaJagoff Podcast.








 


Humor Inspiration: Con Chapman

Groucho Marx once asked a female contestant on his TV show You
Bet Your Life if she had any children, to which the woman responded “Yes—
eight.” Groucho gave her his familiar double-take and then said, “Lady, I like
my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth every now and then.”
I may know something about writing humor books in the way that
woman knew something about producing children. I’ve written forty-five of
them, most recently Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up! (HumorOutcasts
Press). I can tell you how to start writing humor books, but as with my
seemingly inexhaustible desire to eat yogurt-covered raisins, I can’t tell you how
to stop.
Many humorists follow the advice of F. Scott Fitzgerald to budding
authors— “Write what you know.” They mock those near and dear to them
because there’s no long-distance travel involved. You can be home for dinner
every night—in fact you may miss out on some prime material if you spend time
clinking cocktail glasses at fashionable watering holes trying to find an agent
instead of returning home to your spouse/significant other/dominatrix.
That’s how I got my start, making fun of Presbyterians, and
Midwesterners, and Bostonians, and intellectuals, four basic food groups of my
daily life. Eventually, however, the people you love rebel, and so you must
venture further afield. In my case to India, which I’ve written a humor book
about even though the closest I’ve ever come to that particular sub-continent was
an Indian restaurant down the street from my apartment, which I accused of
stealing my cat to make a curry dish that tasted like chicken. Don’t ask me how
I know my cat tasted like chicken.
I’ve also written about outer space, the UN, and the Federal
Reserve, subjects that were just lying there—like loose footballs on an open field
—waiting to be written about with tongue-in-cheek because other humorists
were too busy with shopworn subjects such as handyman projects, politics and
their beer-drinking habits.
What—you haven’t heard of any of my books? Go back and read
the title: I didn’t say I’d teach you how to write a successful humor book.

Con Chapman’s humor is available in print and Kindle format on
amazon.com. He is currently writing a biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke
Ellington's long-time alto sax player, for Oxford University Press.
 


Humor Inspiration: Thomas Sullivan

Of all the things to remember about life, the most important to remember is
that it’s absurd. It’s designed that way. There’s nothing you can do to change
that, try as you may. We have to acknowledge that (which is not futility; it’s
acceptance).
I received a primer on this fact early in life. I was the youngest child in a
family with four kids. I had three older sisters. Take a moment to let that sink in.
It proves my point about absurdity. A wise god pursuing “intelligent design”
would never arrange things this way. Only one gunning for absurdity would.
According to my mom, the first words out of my mouth were “I’m totally
outnumbered here.” Here are a few things older sisters do when they’re bored:
• Braid your hair (so you look like a little, white version of Snoop
Dogg).
• Tickle you until you wet your pants.
• Tie you to a tree and hose you down.
My first few years were basically spent as a Ken doll. Which is why I write
humor stories. I need to keep reminding myself that things aren’t meant to be
reasonable. They aren’t meant to work. A sane person isn’t meant to be President
– Donald Trump is. And, hopefully, while I try to keep myself level and
unfrustrated, I can help remind other people of the absurd truth through my
stories.
And don’t worry; it doesn’t get better. I’m almost fifty and nothing has
changed from those Ken doll days. Consider this quick example of how things
really function:
The other day was the first sunny, mid-70’s day in Seattle. I spent much of
the day weeding and mulching in the back yard. I trimmed some shrubs and
planted a few plants. After a few hours of work, I was done. The yard was
sparkling, like something in a Sunset Magazine photo shoot. I was ready to relax
in the sun and the quiet. So I grabbed a beer and lowered into a lawn chair, ready
to watch the sky while little birds chirped.
Two seconds after landing in the chair, it started. My neighbor (the one who
almost always wears a Ken Griffey, Jr. Seattle Mariners jersey despite the fact
that Griffey retired six years ago) brought his new and untrained puppy into the
yard. And then bailed. The little guy started howling and just wouldn’t stop.
Though dejected by the turn of events, I felt for the little guy. And it all
made total sense. Who knows why things operate this way? Perhaps the reason
there’s so much absurdity is so we appreciate and enjoy things when they work
right. Maybe that’s the point. Regardless, sharing those stories beats brooding
about them. Every time.

Thomas Sullivan is the author of So Much Time, So Little Change available
on Amazon.com. He is a writer for HumorOutcasts.com and lives in Seattle.
 


Humor Inspiration: Stacey Roberts

Laughter lifts a burden.
Before babies learn to walk, speak, eat with utensils, pull the tails of
unsuspecting house pets, lay waste to entire rooms in a matter of seconds, and
how to properly use the F-word, they know two things: how to go to the
bathroom in their pants and how to laugh. Humor must be an essential human
thing because newborns can laugh.
I try to make anything I write funny whenever possible. Even if it is a
dramatic subject. Outside of afternoon soap operas, no one can be serious all the
time. The ability to be funny can humanize even the most dastardly villain. It can
bring a small measure of joy to desperate circumstances. It can make friends,
however briefly, out of lifelong enemies.
Unlike mysteries, thrillers, or romances, the humor genre is one in which the
reader can read a book over and over again. Some things will always be funny.
We should write about them.

Stacey Roberts is the author of Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name.
www.trailertrashbook.com

 


Humor Inspiration: Forrest Brakeman

I have to confess that I didn't really set out to write humor, or even
incorporate comedy into my work. I thought I was creating heady, provocative
material for the intelligentsia that straddled the line between intellectually snooty
and New Yorker esoteric. Apparently I missed the mark by a long shot because
people started laughing at me. So rather than take offense and endlessly lash out
in op-ed pieces, or withdraw and pout in the corner, I went with it.

It was a helluva lot easier than rewriting everything.

Forrest is a former stand-up comedian, half of the ancient comedy team of
Proops & Brakeman. After training with the Groundlings, he founded the
improv comedy group Los Angeles Theatresports, where he performed and
served as Co-Artistic Director. Forrest has performed at The Comedy Store and
The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, The Punch Line and Cobb's Pub in San
Francisco, and has appeared on The Tonight Show and The Sunday Comics. His
essays have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Huffington Post, Scary
Mommy/The Mid, Boomer Cafe, the Los Angeles Daily News, NPR's "This I
Believe," and the Chicago Cubs Yearbook (you heard me).





Humor Inspiration: Theresa Wiza

Almost everything inspires my humor, but mostly: unexpected outbursts
(like the time my {then 6-year-old} grandson, who, when he discovered I was
60, said, “Wow! I’m surprised you’re not dead yet!”); sudden changes in facial
expressions (especially in kids after they’re told something surprising or
unbelievable); absurdities; inconsistencies; exaggerations (a family trait);
contradictions; nonsense (I’m always trying to make sense out of it); altered
perspectives (especially my own – I have a tendency to jump to conclusions and
then realize my jumping-off point was solar systems away from where it was
supposed to be); childish antics (especially in myself and other adults {esp.
politicians}); kids (esp. my grandkids); me – my distracted mind often lands me
in hilarious situations (like the time I became obsessed with a missing {might I
add luxuriously soft} blanket and came to the conclusion, after unsuccessful
searching, that neighbors had to have snuck into my home to steal it, leaving my
other valuables behind, because it was SO soft – valuable lesson learned, though
– obsessive hyper-focus defeats distraction); funny videos of animals and
children; unexpected creative connections I make with other creative people;
humorous stories and anecdotes (like those found on HumorOutcasts.com);
comedy routines; old TV shows (I Love Lucy, Everybody Loves Raymond,
Friends, and others); new TV shows (Life in Pieces, Rush Hour, Mom, and
others); America’s Funniest Home Videos; YouTube; emotional outbursts to
physical mishaps (I don’t want to laugh when somebody falls down, but…); and
my own thoughts.
Find Theresa Wiza on HumorOutcasts.com and Writing Creatively
(www.writingcreatively.org).
 


Humor Inspiration: E.V. Erton

I grew up in Liverpool, England, a gritty, blue-collar port city with a brand
of humor as unique as the scouse (as Liverpudlians are known) accent. Humor is
used to take the edge off life’s harshness and to give a middle finger to adversity
or authority in a city well-known for its renegade tendencies. Here are a couple
of examples. During World War II Liverpool was pummeled by German
bombers to such an extent that for many years after the city was deeply scarred.
It was common to see rows of old houses with gaps where buildings had been
felled by bombs. Scousers turned this spectacle into a description of a rugged
smile with the well-known city expression: “he had teeth like a row of bombed
houses.” The class system is often the butt of scouse jokes. When The Beatles
played a Royal Command Performance at the London Palladium attended by the
Queen Mother and her entourage, John Lennon told the audience, “People in the
cheaper seats clap your hands; the rest of you rattle your jewelry.”
This type of irreverent humor that turns orthodoxy on its head inspires my
work. And being scouse leaves me little choice but to poke fun at the world.
Over the years I’ve come to value this heritage more and more. At a time when
social and political divisions seem insurmountable, the power of a pithy
observation to crack the Berlin Wall of prejudice is more important than ever. I
particularly appreciate anecdotes that celebrate quick-witted skullduggery. Like
the old Liverpool joke about a dockworker who was leaving the docks having
finished his shift. Scouse longshoremen were infamous for purloining items of
cargo—no matter how impractical. This guy was walking out of the dock gates
with a bale of cotton on his shoulder. A security cop stopped him and asked why
he was shouldering a bale of cotton. The dockworker immediately gave the cop a
pained look and said, “I’ve an ear ache.”

E. V. Erton’s career as a writer spans blogging, books and short stories,
corporate communications, journalism, plays and comedy sketches, satirical
essays, and TV documentaries. Possibly the best way to trace his career path is
to dip a sugared-up fly with ADHD in ink, and let the insect wander around a
blank sheet of paper.
He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife, two kids, and a dog called Spike,
who should be named Obnoxious.
 


Humor Inspiration: Robin Savage

I am inspired by comedians who use their powers of comedy for good. It is
easy to make light of the vulnerable. Easy laughs come from making fun of
those who are weaker than the rest of us. What is hard is standing up for what
you believe in, even if it isn't popular. Comedy, when used properly, cuts
through the status quo. It can be used as a flashlight, shining on society and
exposing what we may not otherwise see. Many people credit George Carlin
and Bill Hicks for being the types of comedians that questioned the rules of the
establishment and changed the way that many people saw our government. I
see the rise of Amy Schumer, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as funny, smart women
standing up for women in that same way. They are bringing a fresh perspective
on feminism and Women's Rights.
I also think humor is as much of a survival instinct as our fight- or-flight
response is. It is the sober voice in a sea of insanity letting us know everything
will all be all right. So many times humor is used to soften a blow or to deflect
what life has thrown our way. It is the most powerful weapon that humans have
in their personal arsenal. I remember the evening of 9/11/01. I turned to the late
night shows in hopes of finding some sort of release. I wondered how the talk
show comedians were going to make such a tragic event palatable. I needed to
feel that despite the horrid events, someway, somehow, we would be able to get
through this awful day. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, at least not on that
particular evening. The whole nation mourned, even the funny people. I
remember being even more scared, thinking if I couldn't fall back on humor and
get that reassurance, maybe we were in big trouble after all. I remember the first
Saturday Night Live that was aired shortly after the terrorist attacks. Rudy
Giuliani giving a whole nation permission to laugh again was historic and
healing.

Robin Savage is a mother of two school-aged children by day and a Stand-
Up comedian by night. She has been known to mix the two up and offer her kids
a two-item minimum while helping a heckler with his homework. Robin has
played comedy clubs and festivals across the country. She won a Best Actress
award for a comedy short that she co-wrote in the 2014 St. Pete Comedy Film
Festival. When Robin isn’t performing comedy, she can be seen, late at night,
Googling her own name. Robin’s first book, Stand Up and Be a Lady, detailed
her life as a standup comic.
 


Humor Inspiration: Suzette Martinez Standring

Humor writing can be learned, but it’s easier if it comes naturally, like
dimples or say, a lazy eye. Love, light and laughter are fun to share, a second
nature. Yet the ease I felt made me struggle. I secretly wondered if humor was a
cop-out genre. After all, others wrote about the big-ticket items: genocide, crime,
racism, and politics.
In comparison, sharing that my husband nearly electrocuted himself with the
new electric hedge clippers felt a bit petty. Long ago, when people asked me
what I did, I’d say almost sheepishly, “I’m a humor columnist.” As if I were in a
clown suit at a funeral home, juggling. I imagined people were thinking, “Get
serious and make a real difference in the world!”
Then I discovered a purpose and pride to humor writing.
I am a San Francisco native who landed a job (with no journalism
experience) at a regional New Jersey newspaper in 1998. When assigned to
cover the county board, I said, “No, I can’t. I don’t know anything about county
politics. The county fair, maybe.” My new editor pooh-poohed me. “Now
scoot,” he said. So I covered regional politics, elections, and the white-hot-
button deer overpopulation problem. Most saw deer as all-munching, crop-
damaging, disease-carrying pests to be culled and killed. New to wildlife, I’d
get all shiny-eyed as if I had spotted a group of gorillas in my backyard. I was
stressed.
To counteract it all, I wrote a humor column, seeing the county through a
new resident’s eyes, like how locals give directions based on landmarks that are
not there. “Oh, you go right where the old Smith house used to be.” Or the
strange business names: “Is there a convenience store near here?” “Yeah, the
WaWa.” “I’m sorry, the What-What?”
Humor writing was my therapy and I pursued it when I relocated to
Massachusetts. Yet I still felt insecure, as if making funny fodder was not
important enough work.
Then September 11 happened. The black smoke pouring out of the Twin
Towers in New York suffocated my soul, and our national grief and mourning
overcame me. The collective darkness was so vast I wondered if writing
something comical could ever be appropriate again. I lost my ability to laugh for
a long time. The sorrow was that deep.
Then I pulled an unread book from my shelf, Me Talk Pretty One Day, by
David Sedaris. Soon the tears were streaming down my face. His hilarious
observations on dysfunctional family, human nature and his own shortcomings
made me guffaw against my will. In the middle of darkness, Sedaris forced me
to laugh. I had no choice.
Epiphany: humor writing is a public service, a rare brand of healing, as
effective as setting a broken bone. I now understand my own gift in the light of
purpose: to dispense the healing power of laughter. More folks should take that
mission on.

Suzette Martinez Standring is a syndicated columnist with GateHouse
Media. She authored The Art of Opinion Writing: Insider Secrets from Top Op-
Ed Columnists, an Amazon bestseller and a First Place winner in the 2014 New
England Book Festival. She also wrote The Art of Column Writing and both
books are used in national journalism courses, including courses at Johns
Hopkins University. Her blog took First Place for on-line blogs in the 2013
National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ competition. Suzette is a past
president of The National Society of Newspaper Columnists and the host and
producer of It’s All Write With Suzette, a cable TV show about writing. She
teaches writing workshops nationally.
Visit www.readsuzette.com.



Humor Inspiration: Kathy Minicozzi

What inspires my humor? It’s hard for me to say, because the answer is just
about anything. As a kid, I had to learn not to laugh at things that, according to
everyone else, were not funny. My parents called me “Smartie” as often as they
called me by my real name, and they were not referring to intelligence. A
natural talent for sardonic remarks, along with a tendency to tell it as I saw it, got
me loads of attention from Mom and Dad, although most of the time they
weren’t laughing.

Inspiration for funny writing comes to me, more often than not, during those
times when my mind is ruminating, alighting on different things. The results are
pieces about childhood memories, Christmas, aging, life in New York City
and/or The Bronx, home decorating, fairy tales, a parody of Jurassic World,
plain old silliness and a book about opera and the people who perform it. Some
humorists find inspiration on the Internet. Others find it in everyday life, politics
or the news. I am liable to pick it out of anything that comes my way or enters
my imagination, and I don’t know from one day to the next what I’ll come up
with. This is probably confusing to people, but I can’t help it. One of these
days, I’ll find that elusive “voice” that writers talk about. Maybe I’ve already
found it. Well, if I don’t know where my “voice” is, it’s obvious that nobody
else does. It’s probably hiding in the closet, along with that pair of boots that I
never wear.

To be able to write funny is to be able to write about painful things in a way
that makes them bearable. Serious writing can bring up some hard-core
depression, which is probably why so many writers end up as alcoholics, drug
addicts or suicides. Humor can heal that pain, or, at least, give it a different, and
not so bad, perspective.

 It’s also a lot of fun to make people laugh.

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer in her 60s turned aspiring writer, who
lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless.
She is the author of Opera for People Who Don't Like It, in which she turns the
world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making
it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.
 


Humor Inspiration: Maureen Sullivan

“I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I actually hurt from laughing. I
can’t thank you enough.”
That was the day I, a nurse, became a nurse humorist. I had just performed a
comedy skit on stage, at a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. The club
owner called me over and asked me to please go check on the lady in the corner
and see if she was feeling okay. He said she looked like she was in pain and he
didn’t know if he should call 911.
I walked over to this lady, who looked frail and tired, with her oxygen
tubing in place. She looked like she was guarding her rib cage. For a minute I,
too, thought she needed medical attention. (The fundraiser had many cancer
patients in the audience who were currently undergoing chemotherapy/radiation.
Odds were that some of them might be too exhausted to enjoy the show.) As I
walked towards her—mind you, I went on stage in a full nurse’s uniform and
talked about the craziness of healthcare nowadays—she reached out, grabbed my
hand, and thanked me. She thanked me! She said it had been quite a while since
she had laughed, period, and tonight she laughed so hard her rib cage was
actually hurting. Then, she thanked me again, stating, “It felt wonderful to laugh
again.”
That night defined my comedy career. I “donated” my time for the
fundraiser, I spoke freely about the craziness of healthcare, and people laughed
at me and with me. Laughter leveled the playing field. Best of all, an audience of
cancer patients, all facing a healthcare crisis, with countless reasons to feel
depressed, hopeless, isolated and frustrated……. found reason to laugh.
As a nurse humorist, I pride myself on the belief that “laughter heals.” The
medical research has shown that laughter improves the immune system, lowers
blood pressure, releases healthy endorphins and more. In a time when healthcare
may not be able to “cure” an ailment, I now have yet another skill set to improve
the general public’s health and well-being. It costs nothing- no co-pays or
deductibles, no pre-authorization required. I consider my comedy performances
a part of preventive healthcare.
My audiences may be entertained, but I am truly blessed.

Maureen Sullivan has been a Registered Nurse for over 30 years. Most of
her clinical experience has been in Emergency and Trauma medicine. In the past
few years she has become more focused on education. Her Irish wit and sense of
humor make her a very entertaining and engaging speaker. She has done
everything from individual teaching to speaking to an audience of several
thousand. Her expertise is in diabetes education, stroke education and
prevention, and all aspects of emergency medicine. She is also a BLS instructor
and an experienced legal consultant. Maureen is the author of Listen Up!: Your
guide to everything you ever wanted to know about your hospital stay and Never
Again! From horror to humor, my life as a nurse.


Maureen Sullivan, MS, BSN, RN, CEN, CDE
www.MaureenSullivanRN.com
 About the Author:
Donna Cavanagh is founder of
HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing
company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes
the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books
(HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). Cavanagh launched
HO as an outlet for writers to showcase their work in a
world that offered few avenues for humor. HO now
features the creative talents of more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers,
producers, comics and authors from all over the world. Known for its eclectic
content, HumorOutcasts has something for everyone. As a writer herself,
Cavanagh is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more
than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience
when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine, USA Today and other
national media. She has taught the how-to lessons of humor, blogging and
publishing at The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and the Erma Bombeck
Writer's Workshop. Cavanagh has penned four humor books Reality: Fantasy’s
Evil Twin, Try and Avoid the Speed Bumps, A Canine’s Guide to the Good Life
(which she wrote with her dogs Frankie and Lulu) and the USA Books Contest
finalist Life On the Off Ramp. Cavanagh hopes her latest book How to Write and
Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans will encourage
writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well. She
lives in the Philly suburbs with her husband Ed and her two author dogs.