The Manual That Is Changing The World One Person at A Time

“The Manual That is Changing The World …One Person at a Time”
by Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C.
igc manualCover_final.indd 1 9/8/08 1:57:50 PM

Understanding & Treating
Pornography / Sexual Addiction
“The world breaks everyone and

afterward many are stronger at the broken places.”
-Ernest Hemingway
Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C.
The Treatment Manual that is changing the world one person at a time… Revised April 22, 2009
© Copyright 2009 InnerGold Counseling Services, Inc.
This manual contains the copyrighted and proprietary intellectual property of Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C.
The InnerGold Treatment Manual—as well as any associated products or those recommended within—is not intended to take the place of therapy. It is
advised that all users of this manual consider counseling with a qualified licensed therapist in your local area. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States
of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced or used in any manner without the written consent of InnerGold Counseling Services.
InnerGold Counseling Services provides assistance to individuals struggling with
pornography and sexual addictions, as well as, help for their family members.
Gordon S. Bruin, M.A., L.P.C, President & Founder of InnerGold Counseling Services,
Inc., is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in addictions counseling. He
received his Master of Arts degree in Clinical Psychology from John F. Kennedy
University with a specialization in addiction studies in 1991. He has spent many
years and countless hour helping those struggling with pornography/sexual addiction
issues and is a known expert in the field. He has lectured and provided training and
consultation to numerous community, religious, and professional organizations.
Gordon S. Bruin is available for on-site training and consultation, by contacting:
InnerGold Counseling Services

1348 W. State Street, Suite 102
Pleasant Grove, UT. 84062,
Email: [email protected] or [email protected]
Web site: www.innergold.com
CONTENTS Page
“He who every morning plans Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
the transaction of the day and Chapter I

Understanding the Process of Change . . . . . 7
follows out that plan, carries
a thread that will guide him Chapter II
Understanding Addiction . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
through the maze of the most
Chapter III
busy life. But where no plan is Willpower and Surrender . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
laid, where the disposal of time
Chapter IV
is surrendered merely to the Becoming Future Focused . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
chance of incidence, chaos will Chapter V

soon reign.” Mindfulness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885) Chapter VI

Re-write your neural program . . . . . . . . . . 81
Appendix
Copies of the Assignments . . . . . . . . . . . 91
Daily Planning Sheet . . . . . . . . . . . . 105

You can download online at InnerGold.com
Introduction In working with this population for the past number of years, I
have been able to discover some of the things that are helpful
Did you know that pornography/sexual addiction is quickly
and what is not in overcoming this addiction. Great care has
becoming a pandemic in the world? According to Top Ten Reviews
been given to provide you with the information and exercises
website, the article Pornography Statistics 2007, show that over
that have been found useful in the treatment of those who have
40 million male adults regularly visit internet porn sites and that
gone before, who have struggled with these issues. I have seen
10 percent admit to having an internet pornography/sexual
individuals gain and then maintain sobriety by following the
addiction. Almost as many women suffer from this potentially
suggestions and exercises that you’ll find in this manual.
life destroying practice, and neither know how to get help. You
are not alone. My invaluable manual, the InnerGold Treatment
Pornography/sexual addiction issues have become a major
Manual will help you in the process of recovery and change,
challenge to deal with and one of the leading causes of
letting you reclaim your life and restoring inner peace to your
contemporary mental health problems in this generation,
soul. It is to be used as a personal guide that will help you in
particularly since the introduction of the Internet. Reports have
the process of recovery and change. The information collected
shown that since the Internet, pornography has become a $57
to write this manual is based on years of research data plus
billion industry worldwide, with $12 billion derived in the United
numerous years of hands on experience working with clients “in
States. In the article, Internet Pornography Statistics 2003, on
the trenches” who have struggled with sexual addiction issues.
www.healthymind.com/5-port-stats.html, pornography produced
I have used editing/proofreading expertise from Julia Nielsen,
more revenue in the United States than the combined revenues
and the formatting expertise of Tony Rhoton, Brand Manager, of
of all professional football, baseball and basketball franchises or
Akdia, Inc., in hopes of making this Treatment Manual a strength
the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC. As the years roll
to you and your family.
on these numbers will only increase.
Overcoming a sexual addiction is one of the greatest challenges

anyone can ever face. Sexual Addiction is a cunning, baffling, “Although the world is full of suffering,
and confusing disorder to deal with because it becomes so
intertwined with who we are as individuals. We are sexual beings it is also full of overcoming it”
by nature and sexuality is a necessary and positive aspect in – Helen Keller
all of our lives. But because it is so instinctively powerful, if left
unchecked and undisciplined, it can turn into a very powerful and
The availability of this material and potency of this “drug” is
all-consuming addiction. I have learned for myself the efficacy
continually reaching new levels. Pornography marketers are
of the following statement by Victor L. Brown Jr. “Professional
not shy about their products and are aggressively placing it
experience has taught me to conclude that reality is the process of
wherever they can. They are very astute and are fully aware
identifying consequences while illusion is the process of ignoring
of the power of their product, and would have you believe
consequences, denying them, or misinterpreting them…that at
that it is harmless to view their product; therefore, they live
every stage of our life we seek intimacy as urgently as we seek
and survive under the protection of freedom of speech. As a
food and drink…This universal human need is so powerful that
therapist who has spent countless hours working with those
we are vulnerable to deception. Loneliness brings a desperation
who struggle with pornography addiction, I wish to state very
that makes us willing to see almost anyone as desirable, almost,
clearly that the viewing of this material is not harmless. In fact,
any situation as endurable, if it holds out the promise of intimacy.
viewing pornography has a tremendous impact on how the
Sadly, there are many who would exploit these needs.” Those
brain functions; it changes it and skews the way one looks at
who produce pornographic materials are master exploiters.
the world, leaving in its wake addiction, depression, confusion,
Pornography strikes at the heart of our deep seeded emotional
relationship conflicts and the objectification of people as sexual
centers because one of the highest forms of human intimacy is
objects. Gaining more awareness and understanding of how
found in the sexual relationship.
© 20 0 9 I N N E RGO L D CO U N S E L I N G BY GO R D O N S . BR U I N , M . A . , L . P. C . • R E V I S E D A P R I L 22 , 20 0 9 5
pornography affects the brain will better help you determine if it teach you how to use the tools and skills necessary to maintain
is something that you want to take into your life. The tools you’ll sobriety.
be taught in this manual will give you a plan of attack against
pornography if you choose to use them. This treatment manual is dedicated to those I admire and respect
the most. It is dedicated to those clients and their spouses I have
I want you to understand that there is hope in overcoming this been privileged to work with. The information in this workbook is
addiction. I have personally seen the lives of many individuals largely due to them. I have seen them change and grow as they
change as they have learned the skills and gained the tools willingly face head on the challenges and emotional pains of
necessary to stay sober. Those who have been committed to their lives. The hardest part of getting help is usually the first step.
the treatment process and have followed the suggestions and These clients’ would say to you that without help the likelihood of
assignments in this manual have gotten better. Through the process being able to acquire the tools and skills necessary to manage
of learning and refining over and over again, I have attempted this affliction is almost nil. This problem does not go away on its
to keep this manual short and concise, but powerful, filled only own.
with those materials that I have seen work in changing people’s
lives. I am well aware of the statistic that only about 10% of those May you find the humility, courage, determination, and faith
who begin a book or manual actually complete it. My goal as the necessary to do whatever it takes to make the changes that you
author of this manual is to increase the probability that you will desire. You may take courage in the fact that there are many
trust in the assignments and realize that these assignments have individuals who struggle with this addiction who are now living
helped real people who have struggled with the same issues. sober and productive lives. Yes, they face challenges and triggers
frequently, but they have learned to apply the skills and tools
There is something very powerful that happens when one actually necessary for lasting sobriety. You too can learn these skills by
does these assignments rather than just thinking about them. getting involved in treatment and implementing the knowledge
The addicted part of the brain is very perceptive at creating that you will receive by completing the assignments in this manual.
distractions. In fact, it is the master of distraction. The “addict” will Your commitment to read and complete the assignments will be
attempt to do whatever it can to distract you from doing these tested frequently.
assignments, but it cannot prevent you from doing them. That is
your choice.
It took four months of meeting weekly with John before he came

to a session with his assignments completed and in written form.
Before he actually completed them in written form, he was
unable to maintain sobriety for more than one week at a time;
however, after completing his assignments, he has been able to
make more significant progress than before.
Overcoming sexual addiction is a process and not an event.

Many have become frustrated with this reality and wish that
in one great battle it could all be over. It simply doesn’t work
that way. The addicted part of the brain will try to survive and
will attempt to find new ways to keep the addiction going. The
education you’ll receive by completing this manual will teach you
how to recognize what is called “the addictive voice” and will
6 © 20 0 9 I N N E RGO L D CO U N S E L I N G BY GO R D O N S . BR U I N , M . A . , L . P. C . • R E V I S E D A P R I L 22 , 20 0 9
CHAPTER 1
Understanding the Process of Change
“These are the times that try men’s souls…

the harder the conflict, the more glorious the
triumph. What we may obtain too cheap, we
esteem too lightly: ‘tis dearness only that gives
everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a
proper price upon its goods. It would be strange
indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should
not be highly rated.”
– Thomas Paine
Understanding that changing is a process and not an event will help one deal
with the constant nagging of the addictive voice. Changing takes continual
awareness, patience, commitment, and time. It is commitment to the process
of change that provides hope. It is common for all of us to resist change
but it is even more difficult in overcoming an addiction due to the power of
the primitive part of our brain. Through years of study and research Carlo
DiClemente and James O. Prochaska have developed what is called the
Transtheoretical Model of Change. This model demonstrates that behavior
change involves a process that occurs in increments and that involves specific
and varied tasks. These stages are outlined below.
Stage One: Pre-contemplation

People in pre-contemplation are either unaware of a problem behavior or
are unwilling to consider changing it. Pre-contemplators are living in denial
that there is a significant problem and become defensive or irritated when
anyone suggests that a problem might exist. Denial that there may be a
problem is synonymous with all addictions. In a study completed by the Utah
County Division of Substance Abuse in 2004, it was determined that 93% of
the individuals that came in for a substance abuse evaluation that year, were
court-ordered or had some other external stimuli getting them there. Only 7%
came in for an evaluation because they were concerned about their drinking
or drug use and wanted help.
I would strongly encourage those who struggle with this addiction to get
competent professional therapy but for those who will not do so this manual
can be a source of education, support and strength. I am confident in saying
that if you follow the treatment recommendations in this manual you will find
yourself getting better. There are no known statistics for pornography addicts
seeking treatment, but I think it goes without saying that the bulk of individuals
struggling with this addiction will never seek help on their own because of
the shame involved. Denial is the trump card that the addict uses. Part of the
reason I am making this manual available to the general public is to reach
out to them. Throughout this manual, I will refer to the “addict” or “IT” as a
separate part of yourself. More will be explained about this in chapter 2. If IT
can keep you believing that there really isn’t a problem, IT can continue to live
and flourish. IT is the master of using rationalization, minimizing, comparison,
uniqueness, blaming, etc. It is very common for addicts to feel that what they
are doing is not that bad. For many, the only thing that will snap them out of
their denial is to get caught acting out. For example, his wife caught Steven
who had struggled with a secret pornography and masturbation addiction
for years. He had left some downloaded pornography pictures on the family
computer, which she had inadvertently come across. Addicts are very astute
at covering their tracks but eventually things will slip out one way or another.
Due to the evidence at hand, Steven was able to admit to himself and his wife
that he clearly had a problem with pornography and that he was tired of
living this way. Without effectively and honestly confronting denial, one can
remain forever stuck in the Pre-contemplation stage.
Stage Two: Contemplation

In stage two, a person acknowledges there is a problem and begins to
think seriously about solving it. Although many contemplators eventually
move on to the action stage, it is possible to spend many months or years in
contemplation. This is also the stage where individuals experience the most
ambivalence. As time goes on and the addictive behavior continues to be
a problem, it becomes more difficult to ignore. As the person continues to
bump up against reality and the consequences of their actions, they begin to
accept the seriousness of the problem. People who are in this stage of change
wonder if change is even possible. They are aware of the fact that they have
made many personal commitments in the past to stop but have eventually
returned to the unwanted behavior.
Stage Three: Preparation, Planning, and Commitment

When a person enters this stage, they are ready to attempt behavioral change
in the near future. They know that they must remain abstinent, but they do not
know how to do that behaviorally. They are exploring, planning, or thinking
about the ways that change might be possible. It is in this stage that someone
will consider the possibility of getting help. They need to develop a plan that
will work for them. In this stage, they are searching for that plan. If a person
is ready and determined to make a change, but lacks the plans for doing so,
change will not likely occur. The daily planning sheets that will be introduced
in this program will help in the process of creating effective daily plans to
confront this addiction.
Stage Four: Action

In the action stage of change, people most overtly modify their behavior.
In short, they make the move and implement the plan for which they have
been preparing. Clients in the action stage will still have some conflicting
feelings about the change they are trying to make. The danger is that many
people, including professional therapists, can erroneously equate action with
the desired change. Although action is absolutely essential for the change of
heart to occur, it is only after much consistent action and time that the inner
emotions and feelings begin to change. In the action stage you are given
daily tasks to accomplish. On many occasions you will not feel like doing
them. You can just expect you will feel this way. It is irrelevant, however, to
completing the daily tasks. The behavior must change long before emotions
and feelings will change.
Stage Five: Maintenance

Maintenance is a critically important continuation of the action stage that
lasts a lifetime. A person crosses over into this stage when their actions
have changed for a significant period of time. Often stable change is not
completely established, even after months, and in some cases a few years,
of action. In the maintenance stage, people are firmly committed to their
Future Picture of sobriety and their daily plans which will lead to it. Through
committed action, one is in the process of becoming what they have desired.
In this stage, it is understood that the changes that have occurred are based
on a commitment to daily plans and to the tools that have been learned in
the preceding stages.
One of the dangers of this stage is that one may feel too comfortable in
their sobriety and start feeling overconfident. In such cases the tendency is
to feel that they can now stop applying the daily principles that have led to
the changes they have made. They may test the waters and slide back into
the previous stages only to learn the same lessons again and again. The only
way to maintain sobriety is to continue to apply the daily tasks that got them
there in the first place.
Frequently, people who do relapse have a better chance of success during
the next cycle. It is critical to maintain a positive attitude if a slip occurs.
Falling into shame or unhealthy guilt has a tendency to keep one stuck in
the addictive cycle. It is finding that middle ground where you acknowledge
the fault and then, instead of getting stuck in it, you pick yourself up quickly
and move on. You learn what you can from the slip and move on. With each
period of success there is a history to build on.
The commitment that is necessary for ongoing abstinence and positive

change is a commitment to the process of change that will be taught in this
program. There are certain fundamental principles that will greatly increase
the probabilities of living a positive and productive life free from the chains
and all consuming nature of sexual addiction.
The probabilities of gaining lasting sobriety are greatly increased if one will
seek help. One of the greatest drawbacks that commonly occur with those
who struggle with sexual addiction is that they feel they can overcome it on
their own. Clients that I have worked with over the past number of years
have tried to do it on their own numerous times. They have made numerous
attempts and statements of swearing off of the addictive behavior many
times only to eventually return to it.
Drawing on over 40 years of extensive research, The American Psychological

Association has concluded that addicts who seek professional help fare
much better than the untreated. This extensive research has concluded that
certain common factors, when present, have curative powers. Researcher
Michael Lambert from Brigham Young University proposed four therapeutic
factors that were common in helping facilitate change in those seeking help.
These common factors were prioritized and then ranked as to the amount of
influence they have on positive behavior change. I felt it important to place
this information at the beginning of this manual so that you can get a better
understanding of what has helped individuals change in the past. Remember
that this information is based on the collection of data over a 40-year period
of time.
1) Client Factors: Motivation and desire to change.

2) Connection/Relationship with the therapist
3) Hope and Expectancy
4) Model
Client factors
Except for those with severe mental handicaps, every person has within them
the capacity to change and make life-course corrections. The skills that are
needed for change are already inherently possessed but usually lay dormant.
Although it is common for those entering treatment to look to a professional
therapist to change them, a wise therapist fully understands that change will
ultimately come from within the person themselves. The therapist’s goal is
to help the individual find the resources within themselves to change. If a
therapist assumes the role where their ideas and expertise consistently trump
those of the client, the participant is relegated to a passive role. The ultimate
responsibility of change always rests with the client. Therefore the first step
in the change process is when one is finally able to admit that they have a
problem. Because of the shame that usually shrouds sexual addiction, asking
for help is a difficult task for some, especially for those who pride themselves
on willpower and self-sufficiency, and can often be the hardest step the
addict ever has to take.
At times, the word recovery is not as useful as one might think. The word
“recovery” means a return to a former state of health or responsible living,
which is not always the case. Many who struggle with this issue have done
so for years and really don’t know what it is like to live without it. Some
individuals do not necessarily need “recovery,” they need to learn how to
expand and grow, and realize intrinsically their power to choose and course
correct. Most efforts will involve habilitation rather than rehabilitation. When
one finally seeks help the healing and change process can begin.
Connection/Relationship with the Therapist

The relationship with the therapist is second only to client factors and can be
a tremendous catalyst for change. The main role of the therapist is to provide
a “Safe Haven”, a place where a client can have the experience of being
totally honest, understood, and un-judged. In most relationships, the ability to
communicate true feelings is hampered by swift critical judgments that result
in shame. Many such experiences by otherwise well-meaning people leave
one unwilling to share what is really going on within them. Consider the
experience of therapy for both participants. Confidentiality, and therefore
privacy, is an implicit part of the encounter. Therapists are privy to secrets
that clients are barely willing to share with themselves. The therapist knows
the client at their best and worst. And as a function of spending so many
intense hours together, the client comes to know the therapist as well. They
become partners in a journey. One of the first steps in the change process is
when a client has the experience of feeling understood. There comes a deep
resonating feeling of peace and assurance that they are not alone and that
there are others who understand and know how to help.
Certain levels of compliance can occur without a program participant feeling
understood, but real change cannot. A common theme among those who
struggle with pornography/sexual addiction is a feeling of isolation and
shame. It takes a great act of courage and trust to open up and begin to tell
their story that in most cases has been kept secret for years. The message
is that one doesn’t need to struggle with this alone in isolation, which only
feeds into the addiction cycle that will be explained later. In sorts, you’ll be
developing a relationship with me as you participate in this program. You’ll
come to know me through my words.
Hope and Expectancy

The next contributor of change is hope and expectancy; that is, the hope and
expectancy that change will occur as a result of entering treatment. Research
has clearly indicated that hope and expectancy play a major role in the
process of change. This hope and expectancy goes two ways. The therapist’s
role as a catalyst for change is to maintain an uncompromising hope and
expectation that the client can change. As the author of the InnerGold
Treatment Manual I have full confidence that those who consistently apply
the principles outlined in it will change for the better. Drawing on this energy,
a client can begin to discover and strengthen his or her own hope and
expectations for positive change. Instilling a sense of empowerment and
possibility is the goal of therapy. Focusing on past failures usually results in
demoralization and resignation. Hope is future-focused!
Without minimizing the influence of the past, one is encouraged to remain

future-focused and therefore positive outcomes are enhanced. Problems are
experienced in the present but their roots are found in the past. Solutions,
however, are generally started in the present with efforts aimed at the future.
The instillation of hope and expectancy of change is not simply a precondition
for change; it is in itself change. It is easy to look back on our lives and wish
things had been different. Hindsight is a great thing but it doesn’t change the
past. The past is gone forever, but in the present moment we can learn the
tools and skills necessary for change to occur. We can also learn to be more
future-minded with hope leading the way. The kind of mental picture you paint
is the goal toward which you will move. That image will set the limits for your
life. If you want to change your behaviors, you need to change the picture
you’re painting in you mind by the thoughts you choose to pay attention to.
An important part of this program is to help you start seeing yourself the way
you want to be. You may be presently caught in the addiction, you may be
struggling, but don’t let that image take root. Learn to paint a new picture.
Start seeing yourself rising out of your troubles.
Model or Technique
The model or technique refers to the readings and assignments in this manual.
All of the materials and assignments in this manual have been used previously
with success during the treatment of clients. The question, “why do people
change” is a refreshing twist to the often repeated question, “why don’t
people change”. Perhaps spending more time on the first question will lead to
more productive outcomes.
After much research and experience, it is generally agreed upon that the
most effective way to treat this addiction is to look at it as a disease. The
stories that professional therapists hear are so similar. Sexual Addiction is
an emotional and behavioral disease of never being able to get enough.
It appears that addictive behaviors attempt to solve anxiety problems and
deep emotional needs, but these attempts always fall short and leave a
deeper inner turmoil in its wake. In treatment, one of the assignments is for
individuals to tell their complete story or history with this addiction. It is an
amazing experience to watch clients push through denial and take an honest
look at how many years have been wasted in the pursuit of something that
can never be fully realized by addictive behaviors. The high or euphoria that
one experiences from acting out is always short lived and leaves in its wake
depression, discouragement, and despair, which ironically kicks off the whole
addictive cycle again.
As with any disease, the treatment protocol must be followed if improvement

is to be expected. When this addiction is viewed as a disease instead of
a moral problem, it can be treated more effectively. As with any disease,
willpower alone will not cure it. Just ask anyone who has tried. If a person
has diabetes and is told to just will it away, what happens? The disease still
remains. By accepting it, they can then learn to live more responsibly by
following certain treatment protocols.
I have had many clients who have stated that they are thankful for this
addiction or disease because it has taught them things about themselves
that they doubt they could have learned in any other way. Those who have
struggled and achieved a level of stable sobriety through years of consistent
hard work have a certain spiritual metal and humility about them. Changing
addictive behaviors is seldom a brief or easy process but entails an ongoing
willingness to face the challenges of life head on.
I know that the material presented in this program works because I have
seen it work in the lives of many individuals who struggle with sexual addiction
issues. There have been great inroads in understanding this disease and
effective treatment techniques and tools are available. Admitting and facing
this problem is the first major step in the process of change. Many go through
the addictive cycles for years and years without being able to admit to
themselves that they have become addicted. Addictions call forth our courage
and our wisdom; indeed they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only
because of these challenges that we grow emotionally and spiritually. What
makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a
painful one. It is helpful to remember that there are two types of pain in the
world. There is the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. It is only through
self-discipline and effort that lasting peace can be achieved.
CHAPTER 2
Understanding Addiction
“It is easier to resist at the beginning than

at the end”
-LeonardoDa Vinci
Understanding that addiction is a disorder of the brain is of the utmost

importance if you are to learn how to deal with it. It is not a matter of trying
harder or ridiculing yourself because of a lack of willpower.
Through-out the years, I have worked with numerous clients who could be
referred to as having incredible willpower. Among those whom I have been
privileged to work with as clients are lawyers, dentists, college athletes, leading
salesmen, clergy leaders and business executives. This addiction does not
discriminate who it afflicts and one cannot tell by looking at a person if they
have it. Each of these individuals would be described as exhibiting incredible
amounts of willpower and determination. But when it came to dealing with
their pornography/sexual addiction, their willpower and determination alone
seemed fairly limited in helping them overcome it. Although they may be
able to stay sober for periods of time, the addiction in the long run would
overpower them and the acting-out behaviors would return to their utter
dismay. Before getting into treatment each of these clients had sworn off their
addictive behavior many times. Such experiences left them feeling baffled,
confused, angry with themselves and unsure of ever learning to manage
it. “For decades I have lectured on visual pornography as an “endogenous
drug” that permanently restructures the brain, mind, memory and conduct
of unthinking users…Pornography overrides cognition and causes dramatic
changes in viewers’ behavior. This can be simple coarsening; impairing the
capacity to love, or it can lead to brutal sexual crimes.” - Dr. Judith Reisman
The lack of understanding as it relates to how the brain functions helps keep
one stuck in the addictive cycle. Gaining an understanding of the addicted
brain and how it compels one to continue with addictive behaviors will not
only help you but those who are trying to support you in the recovery and
change process. Learning to live a sober life is a process and not an event.
Thinking that recovery or change is an event instead of a process will keep
you stuck in the addiction. I know from experience that this concept is not
pleasing to hear.
We are a society that wants quick answers and solutions to our
problems and addicts, by definition, want the quick fix.
There are no quick solutions to pornography/sexual addiction issues. Change

and recovery is possible but it is not something that happens overnight. I have
learned through much experience with clients that the process of swearing
off the addictive behavior once and for all actually feeds the addiction cycle.
I hope that this will become clear as you read this manual and participate
in the exercises. I know that this seems counter-intuitive but unless one learns
to deal with the intense cravings that will come up from time to time, one
remains defenseless to deal with them. This issue of intense craving is at the
core of addictions. No amount of willpower or of swearing off the addiction
once and for all will prevent the intense craving from returning from time
to time. It is in the awareness and acceptance of this that one can lay the
groundwork for change. Recovery and change is about learning how to deal
with them when they come up. Please notice that I said when they come up
and not if.
Sexual Addiction is best likened to a disease because it seems to follow a

predictable course over a period of time. All diseases, if left untreated, follow
a predictable pattern. The stories that sexual addicts tell are very similar.
There are commonalities in the progression of this disease. The following steps
are common among those who have reached the level of addiction.
(Note: As I have presented this material to large audiences, many have

commented that the following information is of great value for those
who are not addicted but may feel that the viewing of pornography is
harmless).
Experimentation:
This refers to the first time an individual comes into contact with pornography
or masturbation and has a euphoric experience. Most individuals that I have
worked with have come in contact with some type of pornography or form
of masturbation between the ages of 8-12. Usually, because of the fear of
reprisal, such experiences are kept secret or private. Such experiences cannot
fully be avoided, as they are a part of growing up, but without proper and
healthy ways to process or talk about them the foundation for shame is being
laid. A common theme for many addicts is that they came from strict or very
rigid family structures where sexuality was considered a “no talk” issue or a
“dirty thing”.
Preoccupation:
After being exposed to such stimulating experiences and living in fear of
reprisal one learns to keep such feelings secret. Because of the pleasure
involved one becomes pre-occupied with thoughts of having more of that
experience.
Tolerance Increase:
Tolerance means that one has an increased capacity to handle more of the
experience and needs more of it to get the same high. Such was the case
with Jeff as he describes his progression of viewing internet pornography.
When he first came across pornography on the web he was able to view
it for 10 minutes or so and then get off the Internet. In the later stages of
his addiction he describes getting “lost for hours at a time” on the Internet
viewing pornography. On a few occasions he would stay up all night viewing
images. Because of the progression of the disease there is a natural tendency
to seek out more and different types of stimuli.
Intense Craving:
Following the increase of tolerance what was once a pre-occupation turns
into a very powerful and intense craving. There comes an overwhelming need
to have more. This intense craving comes from a certain part of the brain
called the Limbic System. The Limbic System which is largely unconscious has
begun to interpret the need for continual illicit sexual activity as necessary for
its survival. These intense cravings cloud normal reasoning capabilities.
Loss of Control:
In this state the person experiences a sense of loss of control. All attempts
at stopping the acting out behavior, regardless of commitments, fail, and it
literally feels as if something else is in control.
Negative Consequences:
Soon after a person experiences loss of control, it is common for negative
consequences to begin to unfold. The weight of the addiction begins to wear
one down. It requires tremendous energy to live this double life. It is common
for an addict to live in constant fear of being found out or caught. For many, it
is a spouse that will find evidence of the addiction and begin the confrontation.
It is also common for those who are confronted with undisputable evidence
to minimize it and swear that it will never happen again. But, a person in this
phase can no longer ignore the reality of negative consequences that are
following their addictive behaviors.
Continued Use Despite the Negative Consequences:
Despite the negative consequences and commitment to stop, the negative
behavior continues to happen. Promise after promise is broken. By this point, a
person has become extremely resourceful at keeping secrets. A great amount
of emotional energy is expended to live this double life.
Every client that I have worked with over the years who has struggled with
this addiction has been able to describe two opposing voices inside of their
heads. In essence, they are of two minds about quitting. A part of them wants
to stop the addictive behavior but another part wants to continue with it. In
time, the part where the addiction is housed has the tendency to overwhelm
the part that wants to stop. The main purpose of this manual is to teach you
why this happens and to teach you the skills and tools necessary to live a
sober life!
Through the advances of modern technology, we now have a better

understanding of how the brain works than ever before. My task is to take
a very complex and highly technical matter and, by getting rid of technical
jargon, explain to you in simple terms how the basic functions of the brain
work and where the addiction hides. For the purpose of explaining how an
addiction develops, I will describe two parts of the brain. These two parts are
the Frontal Cortex and the Limbic System or Midbrain. To understand more
about how these two different parts of the brain work, I refer to the work
of James Olds. James Olds was one of the most important psychologists of
the twentieth century. Indeed, many feel that his discovery of the “reward”
system in the brain is the most important single discovery yet made in the
field concerned with how the brain works and how it affects behavior. His
discovery has given us a much-increased understanding of addiction.
What Olds discovered that is so significant to the understanding of addiction

is that our pleasure centers (where the addiction lives) are housed in the
Midbrain or Limbic System, which is not under the direct control of the
conscious mind or the Frontal Cortex. The Midbrain’s prime directive above all
others is survival. This part of the brain has the task of keeping us alive. It is the
part that monitors our basic survival needs. This part of the brain generates
survival appetites that drive the rest of the body toward what it demands,
such as oxygen, water, food, sleep, sex, etc. James Olds discovered the power
of the Midbrain when doing experiments with mice. When mapping out how
the brain responded to pleasurable stimuli by placing electrodes on different
areas of the brain, he was astounded when he saw what happened to the
mice when he connected to the Midbrain. He found that when the mice had
the capacity to tap into the pleasure centers of the Midbrain and receive
continual pleasure they would do so at the expense of all other functions until
they died. In other words, these mice would keep pressing a certain lever that
delivered incredible pleasure until they would die of exhaustion or starvation.
These pleasure centers simply overwhelmed the other functions of the brain.
Our pleasure centers work in a similar manner. Now we are beginning to get
a clearer glimpse of the challenging nature of addictions.
The Midbrain is instinctive by nature and is not under the direct control of our
conscious mind. Its job is to make sure the system gets what it needs when it
needs it. For example, this is the type of brain that functions in a lion or a tiger.
When a lion or tiger is hungry, what does it do? It kills and eats! It survives!
When it gets tired, it sleeps and thus survives. This part of the brain has two
basic prime directives under the umbrella of survival. They are, to avoid pain
at all costs and to seek pleasure. This part of the brain interprets any type
of pain (emotional or physical) as a threat to survival and will automatically
go on a search for something pleasurable to take the pain away. The Limbic
System has access to all of the brains memories. Whatever works at taking
away pain or seeking pleasure will be called into action. This is the way the
Midbrain works. It is just doing its job. It is not a negative thing in itself that
this happens because much of what it does is positive. It is when this part of
the brain has been introduced to certain stimuli that problems begin to ensue.
The Midbrain doesn’t think or reason, it just acts out of instinct. It has no
concern about the long-term effects of behaviors; it is only concerned about
the present moment and survival. The Midbrain naturally and instinctively
views sexuality as a part of survival. Without sexual reproduction mankind
would die in a single generation. What pornography has done is taken
the most primal and necessary aspect of our species survival and made a
mockery of it. Instinctively, sexuality was always meant to be a very private
thing and the crowning event of a union between a man and women that
would allow for the continuation of our species in a family system. Because of
the deep emotions that accompany sexuality, it is not something that people
inadvertently participate in. Pornography has made a very private thing a
public thing. The images that pornography portrays were never meant to
be viewed publicly. In essence, the most personal and private act has been
thrust out into public view. The impact that the viewing of this material has on
the brain is tremendous. It literally changes the way the brain functions. The
Midbrain is simply responding to the material that it is presented with and
because sexuality is such a powerful instinct we become vulnerable to this
material if we allow ourselves to view it. Because the Midbrain is instinctive,
it doesn’t think and reason, it just acts and hence creates the strong craving
towards anything that will create pleasure and keep us away from pain in
all of its forms. If one feeds the Midbrain pornography, it simply does what
it was meant to do and acts upon it. It then has found a very powerful way
to take one away from pain. It lives on the principle of instant gratification
because that is what it was meant to do. What we have done as a society in
a metaphorical sense is given a key to a child that opens a door to a room
full of atomic bombs. This instinctive part of the brain, if threatened enough
through stress, will overpower the Frontal Lobe where reasoning and morals
function. In fact, the Midbrain has the capacity to shut down the Frontal
Lobe if threatened enough. One of the acronyms that we use in treatment
is B.L.A.S.T. BLAST stands for being bored, lonely, angry, stressed or tired.
The instinctive part of the brain interprets any of these emotional states as a
threat to survival.
Throughout the process of recovery most individuals begin to become more

aware that if a slip occurs it was usually preceded by one of these emotional
states that went unrecognized. When one begins the process of recovery they
simply haven’t developed the skills and tools necessary to recognize and deal
with certain emotional issues that is why learning to recognize and deal with
stressful and emotional issues is so critical in keeping one free from addictive
behaviors. Far too many individuals lack the skills and tools necessary to
face and deal with stress and that is why you can have an otherwise very
productive and moral individual retreat to some pretty strange behaviors.
Addictions flourish when stress isn’t identified and worked through in an
emotionally healthy manner. For addicts, this is a huge issue because they
typically are so disengaged from their feelings and emotions. In general,
ask an addict how he or she is doing and what is their likely response? “Just
fine, thank you very much.” End of discussion. In treatment, we help addicts
to recognize their core issues and identify their feelings and emotions. One
thing that I have learned in working with addicts is that they indeed have
very deep feelings and emotions, deeper than some would ever realize, but
they haven’t been taught how to recognize them or how to acknowledge
them. Addicts are torn up inside because of this addiction and because of the
pain that they have caused themselves, their spouses, and other loved ones
because of it. I guarantee you that if there were a pill to take that would take
away the cravings they would take it in a heartbeat! It is hoped that now you
understand why these cravings won’t simply vanish. Because the Midbrain
has been fed this information, it will want to go back there because it is
pleasurable and works at taking pain away.
The hope of recovery and change lies in the other part of our brain called
the Frontal Lobe. What makes us different from a lion or tiger is that we have
this other powerful part of the brain. This part of our brain is our reasoning
part, where our values and morals are housed. This is the part that generates
feelings of guilt when the acting out cycle is complete. This is the part that
recognizes that something is wrong and that will lead one to get help. This
is the part than can be taught to think differently about the addiction that
will make it possible to live a sober life. The following simple diagram on the
following page will help you to understand the two part brain.
Frontal Lobe/Neocortex
1. Rational/Logical
2. Morals/Values
3. Right and wrong
Midbrain/Limbic System
1. Survival (Instinctive) – air, water, food, sleep, sex
2. Avoid Pain
3. Seek Pleasure
To the addict:
One of the first things in the recovery or change process is to teach you to
recognize what is known as the addictive voice. This voice has been active in
your life for a good while without you fully being aware of it. It is very easy
to get you to recognize your addictive voice. This is how it works. I am going
to make a statement and all I want you do is to listen very carefully to what
you hear inside of your head or feel emotionally. The statement is this; “Never
at any time in the future can you view pornography or act out sexually in an
inappropriate way”. (Pause for a few moments).
What do you hear or feel? Common responses are as follows:
A laugh or snicker.
“That’s impossible”!
“You’ve tried that before and it doesn’t work”.
“That’s ridiculous.”
“You’re an idiot to think you can live without it”.
“You know that you can’t quit!”
“Watch me!”
“Congratulations” on just making the first big step in your recovery.

You have just been able to recognize your addictive voice. The addictive
voice or Midbrain is the part that responded to that question. It will fight
for its very life or survival. In fact, it interprets the thought of living without
pornography or other illicit sexual behaviors as a threat to its very survival.
Learning to recognize the addictive voice is the first step in confronting it.
The addictive voice doesn’t like what’s going on right now because it gains its
power from staying hidden. It doesn’t like to have a light shined on it. IT would
rather remain secret and hidden because IT knows that the higher functioning
self (Frontal Lobe) is really the one calling the shots. It is the higher functioning
self that needs to be taught the skills and tools with which to manage the
addictive voice.
Being able to realize the changes the healthy self desires, requires that you
learn a new way of managing the addictive voice. You are going to be taught
to think differently than you have in the past. The first step in the change
process is to learn how to recognize the addictive voice. The addictive voice
is defined as any thought or feeling of continued illicit sexual activity. When
the thought or feeling is recognized, one simply states, “Oh, there IT is.” The
addict voice has been very successful up until now of grabbing use of the
pronoun I. In the future when you recognize the addictive voice you say,
“There IT is.” You add a T to the pronoun I. Instead of saying, “I really feel like
acting out,” you change the dialogue in your head and say, “IT wants me to
act out. I, the healthy me, has no desire to do something that will only hurt me
or make me more isolated or distant from my loved ones.” One of the many
consequences of acting out is an emotional distancing from loved ones. After
acting out it is common to hear individuals say, “Whenever I act out I tend to
pull away and isolate myself from family and friends”.
Learning to deal with the instinctive/survival part of the our brains can be very
challenging, but it is useful to remember that the higher functioning self or the
Frontal Lobe also has tremendous capacity, and those who learn the skills and
tools to tap into it can effectively learn to deal with the addiction. The reality
of how our brain works makes it clear that in order for IT to get anything that
IT wants it must gain the higher functioning brain’s (Frontal Lobe’s) permission.
IT (limbic) can do nothing in and of itself because it doesn’t have the capacity
to move our arms or legs; those functions are housed in the neocortex where
the Frontal Lobe is housed. The Limbic part of the brain has the great capacity
to persuade one to do its bidding, but the truth is we do not have to do it.
Even though the Limbic system will make one feel that they are going to die
without the drug of choice, it is a lie. As I have mentioned many times to
clients before they would leave a group or individual therapy session, “If you
walk out that door tonight and never view pornography or act out again it
will not kill you.”
Learning how to manage and become increasingly more aware of how the
addictive voice works is a major task of this manual. The addictive voice
will never completely go away and it will play some pretty devious games
while one is attempting to get better, so just expect it. IT has the capacity
to be extremely patient and extremely cunning in attempting to get what
it wants. So don’t be shocked when after a period of sobriety it rears its
head again. It has a tendency to morph in time and try new techniques and
so forth, but because you are already aware of this and expect it, you will
not be caught off guard when this happens. Don’t be fooled by the notion
that if you change your behavior for twenty one straight days or thirty days
that you are in the clear. The addicted brain is cunning and patient. This is a
lifetime trek which involves a commitment to certain daily principles. I have
seen many individuals slip after long periods of sobriety because they were
convinced that they had the addiction under control. If after long periods of
sobriety one begins viewing pornography again the addiction will just pick up
where it left off. Consistent practice of small and simple daily principles is the
key to lasting sobriety.
One of the most difficult things to teach and explain, and yet one of the most
powerful tools of recovery, is the concept of surrender. The addiction seems
to love a fight. We need to remember that the addiction is housed in the
Midbrain where its prime directive is to survive. This is the very reason that
willpower alone simply won’t work against it. Remember this part of your brain
isn’t rational or logical it is instinctive. Every addict I have worked with has
made thousands of statements of never acting out again. It is my conviction
that the main reason that such commitments don’t last is because they are all
based on the underlying premise of willpower alone. As mentioned earlier, I
have worked with some of the strongest willed and most successful business
people that can be imagined. These individuals are all shining examples of
what willpower can accomplish in the world. For example, John is a very
successful lawyer, Peter a very successful dentist with a thriving practice,
Dave a very successful division one college athlete and Mary a successful
doctor. But, when it comes to dealing with this addiction, their willpower
alone couldn’t overcome it for long. They have all gone through the cycle
of making strong and powerful commitments only to break them again and
again. Such a process leaves them feeling frustrated, confused, and ashamed
of themselves.
A person’s will is very much a part of the change process, but alone it will
not be able to conquer the addiction. The only way to win is to learn how
to surrender and walk away. The concept of surrender has confused and
troubled many of the clients I have worked with. It is a difficult concept to
teach, and in order to fully understand it one must experience it.
From countless hours of experience working with clients I am convinced that

the way to gain sobriety is to admit loss of control and powerlessness over
pornography and other illicit sexual activity. The individual who has accepted
the reality of loss of control can proceed to live with that reality, beginning
the process of recovery. Paradoxically, the state of surrender is positive
and creative. Rather than an abnegation of responsibility, the admission of
powerlessness is the first step in the assumption of responsibility. The concept
of surrender will be more fully addressed in chapter three. To accept the
experience of defeat not only serves to convince the pornography addict
that a change is necessary; it can be a powerful spiritual experience in that
the myth of self-power is thereby broken and the acceptance that a greater
power than themselves is needed to sustain a life without pornography or
other acting out behaviors. There is much resistance to this idea and many
individuals engage in what seems like a life and death struggle to prove that
it isn’t so. Once one has become addicted to pornography and has managed
to maintain solid sobriety, the addictive voice will creep back in and whisper,
“See? You’re not really an addict. If you were an addict then you wouldn’t
have been able to stay sober for so long. It’s really ok to look just a little
bit.” I have seen this process countless times. Once a person has gained
some sobriety they go back and test the waters to see if they can enjoy
pornography without it getting out of control. It never works. Even after years
of sobriety the truth is still the same, “one picture is too many and a thousand
is never enough.”
Pornography/sexual addiction is such a challenge because it has the capacity

to mimic in a very profound and personal way the consummation of the most
intimate of relationships that human beings can have. Pornography’s power
comes from what it offers: unrestrained and unlimited pleasure. To the addict, it
provides a feeling of connection in a way they haven’t learned to experience
in the real world. The tremendous pleasure that pornography offers and the
feelings of intimacy that it promises is what keeps one stuck in its grasp.
Having spent countless hours in individual therapy with clients and as a group
facilitator with those who are struggling with this addiction, I have learned
that this great alluring false hope of intimacy and euphoria that pornography
offers is what keeps individuals going back for more. For some, pornography
seems much easier than real relationships because pornography never talks
back, never argues, and never wants to do anything else but totally please. It
draws people in because of the illusion of intimacy it portrays. Every person
photographed has real issues, and this may be the ultimate sadness porn
creates. It takes that realness away for all parties concerned. Porn takes
real people with emotions and feelings and reduces them to objects of lust
and pleasure at the expense of taking the humanness out of them. There is no
kindness, concern, compassion, or consideration towards such objects of lust,
but such objects are used solely for the selfish pleasure of the consumer with
nothing of value given in return.
When one has become addicted, they have lost the ability to responsibly
delay gratification. One of the most fascinating aspects of an addiction is that
one can never get enough of what they are after. The addiction constantly
pulls them along with the promised rewards just out of reach. The truth is that
one can never get enough of what they don’t need because what they don’t
need will never fully satisfy them. One client explained his struggle in these
words. “It is like chasing a dragon’s tail.” He described it as a process of going
around and around in circles, chasing the tail that is always just out of reach
until complete exhaustion would overcome him.
The progressive nature of sexual addiction is that it can become all-

consuming and make life unmanageable.
Jim describes his experience with sexual addiction beginning at an early age.
He still remembers the overpowering euphoric feeling that seemed to rush
through his body the first time he viewed pornography as a young boy. He
had no idea what this feeling was but the intensity of this experience left
him wanting more. Clients that have been addicted to heroin and cocaine
often describe their initial experience with the drug in exactly the same way.
The pleasure was so intense that from that moment on he never wanted to
be without it and yet at the same time he felt guilty about it. Because he
felt he had done something wrong, he kept his feelings to himself. He was
afraid to tell anyone, especially his parents. Once he had experienced the
natural chemical rush that accompanies budding adolescence development,
he quickly became consumed with seeking out porn and even at a very early
age it became a central feature of his secret life. Throughout his high school
years, he was never able to go for more that a couple of weeks without
viewing porn or masturbating. He vowed to quit many times but was never
able to do it for more than a couple of weeks. After a period of a couple of
weeks of sobriety, he would hear a voice in his head say, “You really don’t
have that bad of a problem with it or else you couldn’t stay sober for so long”
or “there is nothing wrong with this, everyone else is doing it to.” Listening
to this voice would always lead to acting out again. This left him feeling
frustrated and confused. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t stop. In high
school, he began dating girls and before long became sexually active with
them. Here we can see the progressive nature beginning to take hold. He
again felt feelings of guilt and shame but minimized his acting out activities as
being normal. His relationships never lasted long and he described feelings
of isolation and an inability to really feel connected with other people. His
thoughts and fantasies always centered on sex and his relationships with
women were based solely on sex. He had developed little capacity for other
meaningful relationship issues. Women simply became objects to him. Sex
was the only way he knew how to experience what he described as “real
pleasure.” Other things by comparison were boring to him. He describes
himself as being popular in high school, but that was largely due to his ability
to play sports and put on a good face and hide his private struggles from
others. He felt like he was faking his way through life and didn’t know where
to turn. He felt isolated, ashamed and feared being ridiculed. Thus he kept his
secret life to himself as he made his way through high school.
He was confused by the messages that pornography was sending him.

Pornography was portraying females as objects of sexual pleasure and little
else. In his mind, he began to believe that women truly wanted sex all the
time and they were always on the hunt for the perfect guy, for this is what
the pictures he was viewing seemed to portray. His acting out behaviors
continued throughout the years as he went from one relationship to another.
By his mid-twenties his addiction reached new levels as he ventured into the
world of escorts. He describes his experiences with escorts as disgusting and
shameful. In his fantasy world, such women really wanted him and desired him
but he quickly got the message that the escorts cared nothing for him. This
left him confused and more depressed, but because his addiction had become
so powerful, he believed the lie that the next sexual experience would be the
one he was really after, it would be the one where true intimacy would be
achieved. He found himself craving to be with women but confused by the
fact that when the sex was over, the women would leave him. Because of the
impact pornography had on his brain, his thinking had become delusional. He
finally hit the bottom when he called an escort and after their business was
concluded he had no money to pay for her services. He knew this going into
the evening, but he was so far into the addiction his reasoning capacity was
gone. He describes his mortal fear as the escorts’ pimp called him and began
to threaten him with all sorts of things. This is the moment when he finally got
it. What he was doing was either going to kill him or completely destroy any
hope of living a normal life.
Jim has been in treatment for the past three years and has made significant
progress in facing his addiction. He no longer seeks out escorts and understands
that there in no lasting satisfaction in illicit sexual activities of any kind, and is
learning how to identify his feelings and emotions. He is also learning to address
them and feel them in a healthy manner, learning the significance of leaning
into the pain, rather than running from them, or medicate them with sex, which
only tends to make matters worse. He states, “I have found hope where I was
sure none existed. Real relationships are not easy, but I now fully accept that
there is no lasting satisfaction or peace while actively living in the addiction.”
During the past three years, Jim has had some minor slips with pornography
upon the way but he has stayed engaged in the treatment process. He no
longer lives in denial but actively seeks help from others. He is no longer
trying to do it all alone. He has learned to recognize his addictive voice.
He now understands that IT will always find a good excuse for acting out,
such as the stress of work, relationship issues, financial difficulties etc. He also
understands that IT will tell him that he deserves a reward after having done
something good. The purpose in telling Jim’s story is not to discourage you in
any way, but to help you understand the progressive nature of this disease if
left unchecked. It is also evident from this story that change and recovery are
lifelong processes. It wasn’t until Jim was willing to reach out for professional
help that he began to change. By participating in therapy, he was finally
able to understand that there was going to be no quick fix for his ongoing
challenge. As one client was recently leaving a group therapy session, he
stated his frustration at the fact that there are no easy answers and that
no matter how many times he has wished his struggles away, they seem to
return. Both he and Jim are learning that the only way through, is to face them
honestly, and that the commitment to sobriety is a lifelong process.
Completing the assignments on the following page will begin the process of
helping you gain more self-awareness and confidence in facing this addiction
head on. There is something significant that happens when you put the pen to
the paper. Written works have a great ability to stir something within us. The
first thing that it does is provide physical evidence that an act has occurred.
Much of the work in this program is in teaching you how to act in certain
positive ways even when the cravings caused by the addictive brain are
pulling you in other directions. The greatest tool the addict will use against
you is to distract you from completing these assignments. It was only after
meeting with Jeff for four months that he came to a therapy session with his
first assignment the “Moral Inventory” completed. The interesting thing to note
was that he was able to maintain his sobriety during that week. He has now
been sober for four straight weeks for the first time in over ten years.
The following assignments will help you in

confronting denial & facing your addict.
Assignment #1 – Moral Inventory

Take an honest moral inventory of your life up until this point. Examine your life
in yearly increments beginning with the years: 5-10, 10-15, 15-20 etc. to the
present. On the following page or in a private folder or notebook, identify all
of the addictive activities that your addict has successfully influenced you to be
involved in. Document how many times you have committed to stop and then
kept acting out. This moral inventory is a personal housecleaning. It is a fact-
finding mission of your past history with sexual addictive activities. To honestly
face the truth about yourself is a very challenging and difficult thing to do
but unless you face it head on, the past will remain a barrier to your future
progress. The main focus of this program is to become Future Focused, but
in order to fully do that; the past must be clearly and effectively addressed
before it can be put to rest.
Assignment #2 – Rocking Chair Assignment:

After completing the moral inventory, you should now have a clear picture
of your past and know where you are at the present moment. Using your
imagination, take a look at your future if you don’t do something about this
addiction now. This assignment gets you to focus on the future and where you
will be in 5, 10, 15, years and so forth if you don’t begin the change process
now. At the conclusion of this assignment, picture yourself sitting in a rocking
chair being 80-years-old reflecting on your life. Where do you imagine you
will be if you made changes, and where would you be if you didn’t?
Assignment #3 – Letter to Your Addict

Now that you have taken an inventory of your past and pictured where this
addiction may take you, it is time to write a letter to your addict. Now you can
understand that your relationship with IT has not been beneficial to you. This
can be a very challenging letter to write because IT has made itself such a
big part of your life. It has held out the hand of friendship, but now you know
that it cares nothing about you. The addict is full of hollow promises. You are
able to see that now.
Moral Inventory
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself. This is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. Take an honest look at your
past acting out behaviors and write them down. Also, examine how many times you have committed to stop this behavior. The best way
to approach this assignment is in segments of years. Examine your life from the ages of 5 to 10 years old, 10-15, 15-20 and so forth
until the present time. This is not a public document and should be shared only with a select few while in treatment. After completing
this document some choose to keep it as a reminder and some choose to destroy it.
© 20 0 9 I N N E RGO L D CO U N S E L I N G BY GO R D O N S . BR U I N , M . A . , L . P. C . • R E V I S E D A P R I L 22 , 20 0 9. 29
Rocking Chair Assignment
The gift of imagination can provide many things for us. This assignment encourages you to transport yourself through to periods of
time in the future. Take an honest look at what impact your addictive behaviors will have on your loved ones and your relationship
with them, (spouse, children, grandchildren, etc.) in the future. Describe what it would be like 5 years from now, then 10 years from
now, 20 years and so forth.
In 5 years I will be years old. My children will be years old.

If I continue in the direction of addictive behaviors my life would look as follows:

In 20 years I will be ___________ years old. My children will be ________ years old. If I continue in the direction of addictive
behaviors my life would look as follows:
I’m 80 years old sitting in a rocking chair reflecting on my life.
This is what I see if I don’t change the direction my life is heading.
I’m 80 years old sitting in a rocking chair reflecting on my life. This is what I see if I do change my life’s direction now.
Letter to your Addict
The purpose of this letter is to state your intentions to free yourself of an abusive relationship that has been going on for many years.
This letter should address the lies that the addict has told you in the past, the broken promises etc. It is a statement of your intentions
to no longer be a victim of your addict. It is the beginning statement of resolve to live a healthier and more productive life.
CHAPTER 3
Will Power & Surrender
“From where the sun now stands, I will fight no

more forever.”
- Chief Joseph
One of the most challenging concepts for recovering addicts to embrace

is the concept of acceptance and surrender. Individuals seek professional
help because of their frustrated attempts at controlling their behaviors.
Notwithstanding their knowledge of this, addicts tend to cling tenaciously to
the belief that they can get a handle on the addiction and conquer it once
and for all. So much of our lives are based on the concepts of willpower and
control that it is difficult for many to accept the concept of surrender. It is very
common for addicts in early recovery to say, “I’m not going to surrender to
anything, I can beat this thing by myself, I just need to try a little harder or
become more committed etc.” But as long as you cling to these beliefs it is
likely that frustration, relapse, and discouragement will continue.
Admitting that you cannot control the addiction is the beginning of change.
I understand that this concept may seem counter-intuitive and counter-
productive, but it is only after spending countless hours treating addicts that I
make it. For example, many clients report their past attempts to control their
addictive behavior, end them in the same spot time after time. It is common for
clients to have a significant amount of sobriety and then start to toy with the
idea that they really are in control and that they were just weak-willed in the
past. They start toying with controlled use only to be brought back to square
one in a short amount of time. Experience has taught that lack of control is
the paramount problem and a permanent one, and that the imposition of
control is not a desirable solution. It must be remembered that surrender and
acceptance of loss of control is a positive thing and not a state of feeling
helpless and hopeless. True surrender is the moment of power when the heart
can begin to change. By accepting loss of control personal accountability
and responsibility can begin.
However, making desired changes in your life does uniquely involve the healthy
self where your will is involved. At first glance these two concepts seem to
be opposites of each other, but in recovery work both must be internalized if
lasting change is to take place.
In this manual, I define willpower as the “ability to perform certain daily
recovery actions even though you don’t necessarily want to.” Surrender is
defined as “accepting the fact that you cannot control certain things such
as the instinctive emotions (cravings) and feelings you have towards certain
triggers or stimuli.” The serenity prayer is a good example of understanding
both of these concepts.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things

that I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can and the wisdom
to know the difference.
There is a false assumption behind many Western therapeutic methods that it
is necessary to change or modify feeling states before one can take action.
One of the most important things to understand about emotions and feelings
is that they are not generally under the direct control of the conscious mind.
Contrary to some popular theories, we rarely choose the way we feel. Yes,
we can choose the way we respond to any stimuli or trigger, but we cannot
choose the way that we instinctively respond and feel about them. Helping
addicts understand that they can change behaviors without fully feeling like it
can be an “ah ha” experience.
Sam, who has been struggling with sexual addiction issues for the past 20
years, reports how understanding this concept has changed his life. Using
this concept has helped him remain sober for the past year. He states, “In
the past, I would spend much of my time feeling guilty and hopeless because
of the unwanted temptations and cravings that always seemed to pop up.
Feeling guilty and hopeless tends to kick off my addictive cycle.” Now Sam
has accepted the fact that there will be temptations and cravings from time to
time as a normal part of life. He acknowledges addictive feelings when they
come but understands that he doesn’t need to act upon them. For example, he
reports that recently he was instantly attracted to a new co-worker who was
just coming off of a divorce. He was able to recognize that his attraction to
her was not a conscious effort but an instinctive response to her as a person.
In other words, he didn’t plan to be attracted to her, he just was. In their first
couple of interactions he felt that they “really hit it off.” Whether it was true or
not, he felt like she was showing some interest in him. He felt that there could
be potential problems if he continued to participate in any type of flirtatious
conversations with her. It was a challenge for him not to do so because
he was attracted to her and had some rationalizations that these innocent
interactions where nothing more than that. After accepting his natural feelings,
he made a conscious choice to avoid any further “borderline” communications
with her. He now reports that he is cordial to her but doesn’t engage in any
lengthy conversations because he knows it could be a trigger for him. Instead
of fighting his feelings, he has chosen to surrender to the fact that he cannot
control his instinctive reactions of finding her attractive. He admits that he
continues to have triggers on a regular basis but by surrendering to them he
has found what he describes as a certain feeling of “freedom.”
Many in early recovery demand that such triggers and feelings completely
go away and believe that the triggers and feelings must go away before their
actions can change. Much experience has taught that attempting to deny
such triggers and emotions will only tend to make them become stronger,
because of how the Midbrain works. Anyone who has been addicted in the
past will have cravings and feel like acting out from time to time. Learning
to accept these emotions and feelings as a normal part of life gives you the
freedom to let them go.
Joe, a dentist in early recovery, has been struggling with the concept of
surrender and still refuses to believe that he cannot make such triggers and
feelings completely go away. After completing his letter to the addict exercise
and participating in a role-play in the group therapy process, he became
angry when he saw that his addict wasn’t willing to just walk away. His addict
was telling him that IT was always going to be around and that IT would figure
out a way to get to him in the future. After this experience of coming face
to face with his addict, Joe became more frustrated and stated that he no
longer wanted to attend group. He was hoping for a quick fix and he wanted
to believe that seeking professional help would provide some instantaneous
cure. He was clinging tenaciously to his belief in self-control and will power
and that he could crush this part of himself once and for all. However, there
were a couple of questions that seemed to stop Joe in his tracks when insisting
on his ability to control and completely destroy his addict. The questions were
these:
Therapist:
“Joe, how many attempts have you made to completely destroy your
addict?”
Joe:
“Hundreds.”
Therapist:
“How successful have you been in these attempts?”
Joe:
“I’ve never been successful for long.”
Therapist:
“Is there some new way that you haven’t already tried that makes you believe
that you will be able to destroy it once and for all?”
Joe:
(Long Pause- with a pained look on his face) I’m so frustrated and angry about
this, I just want IT to go away. I will do anything to make IT go away. I don’t
want to go through these cycles any more. I’m tired, frustrated, and angry,
I want to destroy IT. I’m so tired of fighting IT all the time. IT never seems to
leave me alone.”
Therapist:
“Joe, the only way that I am aware of that will take IT’s power away, is for you
to accept IT for what IT is. It is in your attempts to control what you have no
power to control that is creating such stress and anxiety in your life, which only
makes your addict stronger. Paradoxically, the only way to defeat your addict
is to stop fighting it. What I am talking about is the concept of surrender. You
are surrendering to the fact that IT will always be there, not that you will
give into IT’s demands. When one fully grasps this surrender concept, it is
like a conversion experience. It is like being free from your addiction for the
first time. It is coming to fully accept that it is silly to always be fighting with
something that you cannot defeat. It is like you are in a boxing ring with a
professional boxer. There is nothing that you can do to out-box him, but watch
his face as you turn and walk out of the ring. The addict doesn’t know how
to handle a situation like that because it thrives on fighting. IT can scream
and taunt you from inside the ring but IT can’t hurt you anymore because you
are outside the ring. All the screaming and yelling from the addict are empty
threats and can have no power over you unless IT somehow gets you back in
the ring. The thing that will get you back in the ring is your belief that you can
crush IT and conquer IT once and for all.”
To his credit Joe came to group the following week and was willing to talk
about his struggle with the concept of surrender. He is making progress and
is experiencing more internal freedom and peace in his life as he lets the
concept of acceptance and surrender settle in on him. Understanding the
complex process of recovery requires an acceptance of the central role of
paradox and a relinquishment of the belief in control. Clients who have been
able to maintain their sobriety admit that they had to admit defeat and then
surrender in order to win.
Recently, Travis told how he used the concept of acceptance and surrender
successfully when confronted with a huge trigger. Travis works construction
and describes a slippery place for him being the foreman’s trailer. On
the walls of this particular trailer hang many very suggestive pictures. In
the past, he would linger there as long as he could and let those pictures
become the center of his attention, which would lead to acting out behaviors
within a relatively short period of time. After learning about the concept of
acceptance and surrender, he was able to accept his triggered feelings for
what they were and then let them go. He didn’t engage in an all-out battle
to crush them but simply acknowledged them. He did the best he could to
avoid the trailer but on some occasions his job simply requires that he go
there. As he was going to the trailer on this particular day, he felt triggered
because he knew what pictures were on the walls. He accepted his feelings
and said to himself “yes, there will be triggering pictures on the walls, and
yes, I accept that they would be pleasurable to look at, but I know where that
has lead in the past and I don’t want to go there so I choose not to give those
pictures my attention”. He reported that this method seemed to diffuse the
power behind the addict’s attempts to have the pictures become the center
of his attention. He was able to enter the trailer, do his business, and get out
without it becoming a huge slip or relapse. He was certainly aware that the
pictures were there but he chose not to focus on them. Yes, there was a type
of pain felt by Travis as he entered the trailer. It is the pain of leaning into
the craving without giving into IT. This is what we refer to in treatment as the
pain of discipline. As has been mentioned before, this program will teach you
to understand and distinguish between two types of pain: the pain of regret,
and the pain of discipline. It is common for those entering treatment to feel
that if they could just get a handle on this addiction then their life would be
free of problems. They fail to realize that life is difficult and challenging even
without addiction problems. For clients to believe that everything will become
so much better once they are sober is a set up for a potential relapse. The pain
of discipline is experienced when one is committed to certain daily principles
and is willing to suffer the pain of cravings from time to time without giving in
to them. Addicts are very familiar with the pain of regret for that is what they
feel after acting out. Recovery is about choosing to live life with the positive
pain of self-discipline instead of the pain of regret. The pain of self-discipline
is a refining and purifying pain, whereas the pain of regret is not.
Before entering treatment, Jason was unable to consistently remain sober
for more than a couple of weeks at a time. After entering treatment, Jason
had achieved 2 months of sobriety and he reported to the group that he
was beginning to understand what he had gotten himself into to. He feels
the addict constantly pulling him to act out but instead of running from that
pain, he began to face it head on and do what we refer to as lean into it.
The pain of discipline teaches that cure is not defined by the alleviation of
discomfort, or the attainment of some ideal feeling state (which is impossible),
but by taking constructive action in one’s life which helps one to live a full and
meaningful existence while not be ruled by one’s emotional state. We teach
that learning to focus on behaviors can have a more profound impact on
feelings and emotions than thinking about them can.
Once you learn to accept your feelings and emotions for what they are,
you’ll find that you can take action without having to first change your feeling
state. This means that if you feel triggered, you surrender to the fact that you
are feeling triggered. Rather than direct your attention and energy to your
feeling state, you direct efforts toward living a meaningful life through pro-
active actions.
Much of the anxiety and stress in our lives is due to our efforts to control
things that are uncontrollable. The purpose of the following assignment is
to help you become more aware of those things that you are attempting
to control that cannot be controlled. Give yourself at least thirty minutes to
complete this assignment. If you take the time to complete this assignment,
you will likely be amazed at how much of your time is spent in efforts that are
creating more stress for you. Make two separate lists, one of the things that
you can control and another of the things that you cannot control, as it relates
to the four main areas that we focus on in recovery, Physically, Emotionally,
Spiritually, and Sexually.
Assignment #4
Things I can and cannot control
Physically Can’t Control: Physically Can Control:
Emotionally Can’t Control: Emotionally Can Control:
Spiritually Can’t Control: Spiritually Can Control:
Sexually Can’t Control: Sexually Can Control:
CHAPTER 4
Becoming Future Focused
“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter

of choice. It is not a thing to be
waited for, it is a thing to be achieved”.
-William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
Letting go of the past is a very challenging and difficult thing to do for addicts.
The memories of past addictive behaviors will flood the mind from time to
time and leave in their tracks feelings of guilt and shame. Staying with these
feelings will keep one stuck in the addiction. You must accept the reality of
your past behaviors. You cannot change what has already happened, but
you can learn not to get stuck in the past. Susan, who had become addicted
to Internet porn chat rooms was repulsed with herself when she looked back
on what she had done. She reports that her curiosity with porn began with
the frequenting of chat rooms. She reports that chat rooms had a much more
powerful pull on her than the actual viewing of pornography. Her frequenting
chat rooms, eventually led to face-to-face encounters with men, which turned
her life into complete chaos. Her addiction had reached a level where all
of her daily activities were planned around it. The thing that is so critical
to understand is that before Susan ventured into the world of porn chat
rooms, she was a model wife and mother, respected in the community, and an
active member of her church. What we are now seeing is that pornography
is non-discriminatory of gender. Women can become addicted as easily as
men if they allow themselves to participate in it. In fact, in the chart below,
you will see statistics for men, women and children who have been exposed
to pornography. Women are starting to access porn sites more frequently
as well, not as much as men, but 70% keep their cyber activities secret, and
what’s even more alarming is that 90 % of children aged 8-16-years-old
have viewed porn on-line, as is shown in the chart on the following page.
Men’s Exposure to Pornography:
Men admitting to accessing pornography sites at work 20%
Male visitors to pornography websites, either from work,

72%
home or elsewhere
30
U.S. adult men who regularly visit porn sites
million
Promise Keeper Men who viewed pornography in last week 53%
Women’s Exposure to Pornography
Women struggling with pornography internet addiction 17%
9.4
Women accessing adult websites each month
million
Women admitting to accessing porn sites at work 13%
Ration of women to men favoring chat rooms 2X
Children who have viewed pornography
Average age of first internet exposure to Pornography 11Yrs. old
Children’s character names linked to thousands of porn links 26

(including Pokémon and Action Man)
15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures 80%
8-16 year olds having viewed porn on-line

90%
(most while doing their homework
Source Top Ten Reviews, Pornography Statistics, 2007
As you can see, what was once considered largely a male problem is now
becoming a cross gender problem, and includes children who will forever
have those images printed in their mind.
Susan is now in the process of putting her life back together. The greatest
challenge that she faces is putting the past behind her and creating a future
vision of a positive life. This requires constant support and effort, for the
addiction is always willing to take her back at a moment’s notice. But the
good news is that it is possible to move on. It is possible to put the past behind
us and learn to move forward. Learning to become future focused is a major
task of this program.
I am a firm believer in choice and accountability as it relates to recovery.
Although the Midbrain has significant influence in your life, learning to
recognize its activities and naming IT tends to diffuse its power over you. If
you have completed the assignments from the previous chapters, it’s hoped
that you’ll have moved past the pre-contemplation stage of change. At
this point you should have entered into stage two (Contemplation) or three
(Preparation, Planning, and Commitment) of change.
The goal of this chapter is to help you develop plans and strengthen your
commitment to the process of recovery. Learning to be prepared with simple
daily plans is essential to your recovery. It may be difficult at first but it’s
the best way to hold yourself accountable day by day, and to confront any
minimizing that may be going on. Your addict will resist this process and strive
to distract you in many ways. The addict’s power is diffused when IT is kept
in the light. Remember your addiction thrives in secrecy and is diffused when
brought into the open. The main purpose behind completing daily planning
sheets is to help you hold yourself accountable for your daily thoughts and
actions. If you don’t have a means to hold yourself accountable, the addict
starts to gain more control in your life, slipping back in. You can be assured
that if there are activities you’re involved in that require secrecy, your addict
is behind them. There is a common statement used in recovery work that says,
“You are only as sick as your secrets.”
Based on the use of techniques and systems of elite f-16 jet fighter pilots, the
daily planning sheets at the end of this chapter have been developed. A jet
demands that a pilot gives it undivided attention. At times, a pilot has seconds
to make choices that can either save or kill. There is never moment that is
insignificant for a fighter pilot just as there is never an insignificant moment in
our lives. Learning to live a sober life requires great attention to detail on a
moment-by-moment basis. A client that I have been working with for the past
number of months recently made an interesting statement, “Life is like going
on an Easter egg hunt in a minefield”.
The idea for creating the InnerGold Daily Planning Sheets came to me
as I was reading a business book called “Flawless Execution” by James
D. Murphy. In his book Murphy who is an F-16 fighter pilot outlines some
of the techniques that are used by fighter pilots when going on a mission.
Confronting pornography in our present world is like a fighter pilot going on
a mission over unfriendly territory on a daily basis. To achieve lasting sobriety
one must have the necessary tools and training. These tools must be simple,
understandable, and powerful against the addiction. At the top of this cycle
is something called the Future Picture Statement.
The changes that you desire will largely be accomplished by a commitment
to small and simple actions that are repeated on a daily basis. To achieve
and maintain lasting sobriety, every day will have a specific plan – execute
–lessons learned cycle. The daily planning sheets will provide this. In order
to develop meaningful daily’s for yourself, you must first become a person
with a future vision. Future vision means creating for yourself a vision of what
you would like your future to be. For the change process to take hold, you
must exercise faith in creating what is known in recovery as a Future Picture
Statement. Put in its simplest terms, a Future Picture Statement is a well-written
and easily communicated document that states what you want your future to
be like. The kind of mental picture you paint for yourself is the goal toward
which you will move, a clear picture, if you will, that shows in great detail that
future as you want it to be, That image will set the limits for your life. If you
want to change your life, you need to change the picture you’re painting in
your mind.
In order to make meaningful changes, you must first be able to face your
past, accept it and learn from it. Completing the moral inventory assignment
should have helped you do this. Nothing you can do will change anything in
your past, but you can learn to do positive things in the present with the help
of a future vision. The first part of this plan suggests that you take a look at
four main areas of your life. Health in each of these areas plays a significant
role in living a sober and productive life. In order for your Future Picture to
be effective, you must use your imagination and let go of all of the negative
and restrictive voices that tend to get in the way. In each of the following four
areas you will be asked to create a future picture of how you would ideally
like your life to be.
Physically:
Exercise, Nutrition, Sleep
Emotionally:
Relationship issues with yourself and others
Spiritually:
State of connectedness with God
Sexually:
State of sexual health
Drawing on these four statements you’ll then create a Master Future Picture
Statement that will serve as the main guide throughout your process of
change. A copy of this Master Picture Statement will then be placed at the
head of your daily planning sheets to act as a constant reminder of what you
are striving to become.
Each one of these areas plays a significant part in your overall health. If you
are out of balance in one of these areas, the other three are impacted in a
negative way. For example: Kirk, a computer programmer, was overweight
and out of shape. He rarely did any form of physical activity and describes
himself as someone who gets “no enjoyment out of life.” He comes home
from work almost every night feeling exhausted. He instinctively turns to food
and sleep to take his pain away. However, these activities made no positive
impact on his life. They only left him feeling worse as time went on. If your
physical health is out of balance, it affects the way you feel emotionally,
spiritually, and sexually.
When your Future Picture is kept in the forefront of your awareness it can
lead you in the steps of recovery and positive change. This vision of what you
want to be becomes your guiding compass. Making the commitment to be
accountable for your daily actions is the beginning of change. The goal at
this point in recovery is to focus on behaviors and not so much your feelings
and emotions.
Writing this Future Picture statement for some is very difficult. For example, one
client stated he was struggling to write such a statement because of his fear
of never being able to achieve or realize it. He interpreted this assignment
as an exercise in shame because of his lack of faith in himself and because
his life was wrought with so many previous failures when attempting to reach
personal goals. I reminded him that it’s different now because instead of
attempting this all alone, he now has a support network and a place to
come to receive encouragement and hope. I reminded him that although he
may never fully realize all of his future dreams, it’s in the process of working
towards them that life seems to have its meaning. Placing his attention on his
physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual goals is recovery; it’s the beginning
of change. By working towards them, he is more likely to make progress than
by not making any attempts at all. By fearing to attempt we are sure to make
no progress. Sadly, we are a culture that is fixated on winning. Many seem to
feel that if we don’t win the grand prize, that all of our efforts have been in
vain. Even the smallest progress is positive. I have listened for years to people
deride the efforts of those who struggle with addictions because of slips along
the way. I have known clients that have made so much progress in their
recovery but are still judged by others because they are not perfect. How
would you view an individual who entered treatment acting out multiple times
per week and at the end of extensive treatment had a small slip on average
once every three months? To some this is a sign of failure but to me it is a
sign of great progress and continued hope that the process of change will
continue in this individual as something new is learned in every small slip.
Everything that you do in your daily plan should be performed in the spirit of
your Future Picture, or you will invariably execute against the wrong things.
The Future Picture cannot be too general in nature, it needs to be something
that you can focus on and act on. If you can paint a vivid, powerful, detailed
Future Picture, it will serve as a catalyst for lasting change.
We all have three types of vision – historical, present, and future. Where you
are in life right now and where you will go in the future has a lot to do with
what type of vision you allow dominating your thinking patterns. Focusing
on past failure usually results in demoralization and resignation. Problems
are always experienced in the present moment, but their roots are generally
found in the past. Solutions, however, are generally started in the present with
efforts aimed at the future. The most successful individuals in life tend to be
future focused; they are always moving forward with a goal in mind.
One very important point that I feel is critical to the process of recovery
and change is that the focus must be on the process and not on the ultimate
victory. The chances for success seem to be increased when the focus remains
on small daily fundamental tasks or actions. When the only focus is on staying
sober and winning at all cost, it tends to challenge the survival mechanism of
the Midbrain and makes it more difficult to deal with. When you challenge the
Midbrain this way, IT will only make addictive thoughts and cravings become
more intense.
Completing your daily planning sheets is one of the skills that can be practiced
to perfection. Your level of commitment to recovery will become clear as it
relates to the completion of this daily task. My experience has been that those
who make this process a daily priority are more stable in their recovery and
sobriety than those who minimize the importance or allow themselves to be
distracted from completing them on a regular basis. Completing these sheets
can be challenging because they make you aware of your weaknesses like
never before. They also can increase your confidence as you identify the
positive things you do on a daily basis. These sheets can help you begin to
identify your triggers on a daily basis. Through the process of continual self-
examination you can begin to live a more aware life and catch triggers at
their beginning stages.
As you strive to create your Future Picture, you may hear your addictive voice.
You most likely will hear IT attempt to debunk the dreams of your Future
Picture. Acknowledge IT when you hear IT and then gently bring your focus
back to your Future Picture. Remember, the only power the addictive voice can
ever have on you is what you allow IT to have! Learning to accept that IT will
be there is not the same thing as giving IT your attention. You cannot change
the fact that IT will be there or that you’ll be triggered from time to time, but
you can change how you respond to IT. An important thing to understand in
this process is that you need not feel guilty when tempted or triggered. The
temptation is not the sin. A common trait of many clients is to experience
an overwhelming feeling of shame just for being tempted or triggered. For
example, Rich, who has struggled with sexual addiction most of his life, finally
entered treatment and found sobriety for the first time. At a particular group
therapy session, he described his feelings of guilt and shame simply by being
triggered by a particular billboard. At this point, Rich had been sober for
over one year. This is the longest sobriety that he had experienced in over
30 years. The shame base for most addicts is very deep and easily triggered.
After processing his feelings in group therapy, he was able to better see that
the “temptation is not the sin.” Because he didn’t act on the trigger, he was
able to let go of his feelings of shame and guilt.
The instillation of hope and expectancy that the Future Picture can bring
is not simply a precondition for change; it’s the beginning of change. I’ve
discovered in working with addicts that far too many who desire change
are stuck in their past failures and are living in a present with no future
vision. People whose daily actions are governed by a positive future vision
are continually growing. What has happened in the past is not ignored or
denied—those experiences are used to develop skills that help you get where
you want to go. But it is always where you’re going in the present moment that
remains the primary focus.
For example, every time Jim (who had established significant sobriety) would
begin to feel positive about his recovery, he could hear the addictive voice
trying to demoralize him because of his past behaviors. However, the longer he
was sober, the clearer his thinking became and the more amazed he became
at his past behaviors. He would say, “I can hardly believe that I could’ve ever
done such things, it’s as though I was a completely different person. When I
was deep into the addiction, it tweaked my thought process and it distorted
my perception of reality. I can now see that I wasn’t thinking clearly.” He has
made such progress in recovery that he now sees any slight indiscretion as a
slip and holds himself accountable for them. Completing his daily worksheets
consistently has been the tool that has helped him accomplish this.
Throughout the process of change and recovery, there may be setbacks.
Setbacks are lessons to be learned in the cycle of change. When there is a
setback or a mistake, one will most likely experience guilt. Guilt should not be
looked at as an enemy but as a gift that keeps trying to steer us in a positive
direction. Although the feeling of guilt is not comfortable, it does serve a
valuable purpose. Guilt’s purpose is to help one realize that something is
amiss in ones life. Guilt should be used as a guide.
On the other hand, shame is not useful in a person’s life. Shame is unhealthy
and a core issue for many who struggle with addiction issues. Shame says that
you are the unworthy thing, not your actions. In other words, shame says you
are inherently bad and faulty at the core, while guilt says you are inherently
good, but that your actions were inappropriate. When a mistake is made, the
responsible thing to do is own it, be honest about it, examine it and learn from
it, and then move on.
Your assignment now is to create your Future Picture. The example below
will help you do this. Your final Future Picture Statement should be placed
at the top of your daily planning sheets; then make a number of copies that
will guide you through a specific period of time of your choosing. This Future
Picture is a working document that should be flexible as new insights come to
you throughout this process. As time goes on you may wish to add or change
things, which you should feel free to do. Remember, this is your personal
document and it’s unique to you.
The daily planning sheet is intended to be a tool to use throughout your life.
It is a tool that will help you set small and simple goals on a daily basis, as it
relates towards moving you in the direction of your future picture statement.
The goal is to read your future picture statement at the beginning of the day
and then set small goals for the day in each of the four main areas. At the
end of the day, you go back to your sheet and list how you did on your goals.
Probably the most critical part of the daily planning sheet is the lessons learned
section. This is the time when you have the opportunity on a daily basis to sit
down and reflect on your daily activities. Whether positive or negative, you
list the lessons that you learned about yourself. Then you take that information
and put it into tomorrow’s daily plan. This daily ritual or activity is where
the rubber meets the road. The goal is to teach you to complete your daily
planning sheet whether you want to or not. It is to teach you that you can act
in a positive manner even if you don’t want to. By accomplishing this small act
on a daily basis, you’ll gain more confidence in yourself and the probability
of maintaining lasting sobriety is increased. You will become more aware of
the significance of completing this small task consistently as time goes on. This
whole process shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes per day. It can be likened
unto an ancient sea captain who pauses consistently to look at his compass to
make sure his boat is heading in the right direction. The picture of the compass
at the top of your daily planning sheet is to remind you that completing your
daily planning sheets is like an ancient sea captain looking at his compass
as he moves toward his destination. It is also important as time goes on that
you pay attention to the symbol of the white flag that is at the bottom of the
daily planning sheet. The purpose of this symbol is to suggest to your mind the
need of a higher power. There is a tendency after much success to feel that
you have overcome and that you no longer need to do the daily’s. There will
never be a time when the daily’s become unimportant. Also, as time goes on
there is a tendency to become bored with this daily activity. That is just the
addictive voice at work again trying to distract. Never underestimate the
power that can come into your life by repeatedly completing small and simply
tasks on a regular basis. In fact, the future of your life will be determined by
the culmination of small and simple acts.
One of the major issues in our current world is information overload. Your
future picture statement can help you learn how to manage it more effectively.
There is way too much information for us to process every day and most of it is
not useful towards our life’s purpose. We are bombarded with many seductive
advertisements (1,000 messages per week according to The Advertised
Mind by Erik Du Plessis), e-mail, radio, TV, voice mail, faxes, books, magazines,
newspapers, cell phones, text messages, instant messages, iPods, Blackberrys,
blogs, snail mail, and who knows what else.
Many who struggle with sexual addiction issues report being overwhelmed
with the pace of their lives. Much of this can be due to information overload.
There is so much information bombarding us that we can easily loose our
bearings and purposeful direction in life. Daily distractions are too numerous
to count. And if we are not careful we can be lead down certain avenues
that can lead to acting out behaviors. With your future picture statement in
place you can begin to be more discerning about certain daily behaviors. For
example, before sitting down to watch television or surfing the internet you
can ask yourself a couple of questions:
Will this activity support my life purpose and sobriety?

Could I be doing something else more valuable with my time, such as
reading, writing, spending time with family or researching a subject etc.?
You can use these questions to streamline all of your input tremendously. Just
ask yourself if this piece of input is forwarding my life goals. If not, cut it out
if you can.
You can see how you can easily cut out half of what you intake using this
method. The thing we all have in common is 24 hours a day. What people
don’t have in common is how they choose to use that 24 hours.
A Life in Focus
If you really work at this, after a few months, you’ll start to see a huge change.
You’ll stay caught up. You’ll be less stressed, and your health will improve.
You’ll be more focused, and people will say you are smarter. You’ll also be
happier because your purpose will become clearer. Saying yes to information
that supports your Future Picture Statement and saying no to information that
doesn’t will help you win the war on information overload. It is my conviction
that some of the most accomplished and affective people in the world have
learned how to think less, not more.
Assignment #5.
Following the example on the next page create your own Future Picture
Statement based on the four main areas that we focus on in recovery: Physical,
Emotional, Spiritual, and Sexual
Assignment #6.
Begin using daily planning sheets by setting small achievable goals on a
daily basis as it relates to recovery and positive mental health. Remember
that the most important part of your daily planning sheet is to take time
at the conclusion of the day to quickly review your progress. Hold yourself
accountable for any slips. Make comments in the Lessons Learned section
and incorporate what you learn into the next days plan. If you consistently use
this method you will begin to see positive results in your recovery because you
will be learning to be more aware of yourself in all of these areas.
Creating Your Future Picture Statement

In each of the following four areas, create a future picture statement for
yourself.
Example
Physically:
I see myself being physically fit and in shape. I have excellent muscle tone
and cardiovascular endurance. I see myself being able to compete in mini
triathlons. My weight is always around 200lbs. I look healthy and groom
myself properly. I exercise for ½ hour at least 3 times per week but preferably
5 times per week. I eat healthy and in moderate amounts. I see myself
smiling more when I’m with people. I see myself with a strong and confident
countenance.
Emotionally:
I see myself developing more deep and meaningful relationships with others.
I see myself as being emotionally stable and secure. I love my spouse and
my children and am committed to their welfare. I see myself thinking clearly
and able to recognize my feelings and emotions. I see myself being able to
communicate my true feelings in appropriate and meaningful ways to others.
I see myself no longer interested in pornography in any form as it’s the cause
of emotional depression and affects in a negative way the real relationships
in my life.
Spiritually:
I will believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I will
place my trust in my Higher Power and strive to have compassion on all other
living things. I will strive to treat others with dignity, respect, and patience.
Sexually:
I see myself as being sexually healthy. I have a healthy and stable relationship
with my spouse. I am totally committed to my spouse emotionally and physically.
I do not lust after other people or things. I understand that sex is not my most
important need. I have gained the skills necessary to quickly and gently re-
direct my thinking when distracted or triggered.
Drawing on the four preceding statements, create a vision of what you hope
your future to be. Write this Future Picture Statement as if it were already a
reality.
Master Future Picture Statement

Example
I am healthy and strong and have adequate energy to complete my daily
tasks in a positive and cheerful manner. I exercise 3 times per week for at
least 30 minutes and eat healthy types and amounts of food. I have a strong
and confident personality based on the understanding of surrendering my
addiction and believe in my ability to overcome obstacles on a daily basis. I
have clear boundaries but pay attention to others needs. I am committed to
developing and maintaining meaningful relationships with others based on
trust. I give my full attention to the person I am with or the task at hand. I am
dependent on my higher power for daily strength and support. I am sexually
healthy and only have time for positive and uplifting activities.
In each of the following four areas create a future picture statement for yourself.
Physically:
Emotionally:
Spiritually:
Sexually:
Drawing on the four preceding statements create a vision of what you hope your future to be. Write this Future Picture Statement as
if it were already a reality.
“He who every morning plans the transaction
of the day and follows out that plan, carries a
thread that will guide him through the maze of
the most busy life. But where no plan is laid,
where the disposal of time is surrendered merely
to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon
reign.”
Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885)
This Page Intentionally Left Blank
Daily Planning Sheet
Future Picture Statement
FOR EXAMPLE: I am healthy and strong and have adequate energy to complete my daily tasks in a positive and cheerful manner. I
exercise 3 times per week for at least 30 minutes and eat healthy types and amounts of food. I have a strong and confident personality
based on the understanding of surrendering my addiction and believe in my ability to overcome obstacles on a daily basis. I have
clear boundaries but pay attention to others needs. I am committed to developing and maintaining meaningful relationships with others
based on trust. I give my full attention to the person I am with or the task at hand. I am dependent on my higher power for daily strength
and support. I am sexually healthy and only have time for positive and uplifting activities.
Daily Plan: Small specific/measurable goals in each area.

Physically: Spiritually:
T H I S S H E E T CA N B E D OWNLOADED AT WWW.INNERGOLD.COM
Emotionally: Sexually:
Execution of Daily Plan (Actions) What went well/what needs improvement?
Lessons learned to incorporate into tomorrow’s plan
REMEMBER
Plan-Execute-Lessons learned — Plan-Execute-Lessons learned — Plan-Execute-Lessons learned SURRENDER
REMEMBER
CHAPTER 5
Mindfulness
“A man’s whole life is a succession of moment

after moment. If one fully understands the
present moment, there will be nothing else to do,
and nothing else to pursue”.
-Yamamoto Tsunetomo
The mastery of life depends on the mastery of the mind. Addiction is the
worst form of slavery imaginable because one becomes an enemy to oneself.
Addiction means that one has seemingly lost the ability to direct their thoughts
and thus the direction of their life. It means that the limbic part of the brain
has hijacked the rational mind. IT has been overwhelming and controlling the
rational mind. The process of recovery involves strengthening or awakening
the rational mind, which can be accomplished through practicing mindfulness
and meditation. The rational mind does have the capacity to manage the
limbic or instinctual part of the brain, but in order to do so, it needs to be
trained.
The quality of awareness or attention determines the nature of the

consciousness that arises, and thus the action that takes place. The only willful
choice one has is the quality of attention one gives to a thought at any
moment…the strain of attention is the fundamental act of will.” – Dr. Jeffery
Schwartz UCLA School of medicine
That is not to say it is an easy thing to do. Learning to attend to certain

thoughts while letting others go requires awareness and practice but can be
accomplished. Refocusing attention away from an intrusive thought or trigger
is the hardest aspect of treatment, requiring awareness and training.
Modern research is showing that the brain is capable of rewiring itself by

the active practice of mindfulness and awareness. When one chooses to pay
attention to one thought over another the brain changes.
Learning to practice mindfulness requires self-discipline. It requires the

rational mind to be aware of and oversee the addicted brain. Practicing
self-discipline is an active process and is the key that produces positive results
in the life of an addict. Learning to refrain from certain addictive actions
is not a passive process but an active one. Years ago, I remember reading
about an Olympic track coach by the name of Brutus Hamilton. He made
the following statement about runners that I would liken to those who are
struggling with pornography addiction. “People may wonder why people like
to run distance races (People may wonder why people should refrain from
pornography). What fun is it? Why all that hard, exhausting work? Where
does it get you? Where’s the good of it? It is one of the strange ironies of this
strange life that those who work the hardest, who subject themselves to the
strictest discipline, who give up certain pleasurable things in order to achieve
a goal, are the happiest men”. This elusive feeling of happiness appears to
come to those who practice self-discipline and restraint. I have never known
a pornography/sexual addict to be what I would consider a happy person.
The process of practicing mindfulness teaches self-discipline and strengthens

one’s ability to choose which thoughts to consciously pay attention to while
letting other distracting thoughts harmlessly fall by the wayside. One can
be taught to recognize how the restless mind works and then to choose to
attend to certain thoughts that are based on values and goals. To gain lasting
change from addiction one must face its origin, which is in the limbic part of
the brain. One must learn to become aware of how the mind works and how
thoughts can be directed with purpose and meaning.
The main purpose in creating a Future Picture Statement that includes daily
goals is to get yourself engaged in pro-active action steps rather than the
re-active processes of life. It is the first step of the process that leads to
meaningful change. But without more tools that take you to a deeper level
of mental discipline, the daily planning sheets can be seen as an exercise in
willpower alone and, as experience has taught when dealing with addiction,
willpower alone will not cure it.
How many times have you exclaimed, “I wish I could stop thinking that! I wish
I could stop craving this! I wish I could be different from the way I am!” If you
have felt this desire deeply, you have what it takes to learn how to manage
and coexist with emotions, which in the beginning stages of recovery you feel
you have no control over. Each of us would like to be able to think what he
or she wants to think. Yet how many do you know who can do this? The mind
is very much like a television set with no controls, which turns on at will and
shows whatever it desires. The mind by nature is restless and always on the
move. It is the nature of an untrained mind to keep moving, moving, moving.
But the mind is infinitely teachable. You can make it natural for your mind not
to move, but to dwell like a laser where you choose to place it. You can learn
to tell your mind to stay, and it will stay. That is the secret of recovery and
lasting change.
How much dedication, how much hard work, is required to bring about
these changes?
Perhaps a story may help explain this idea. I remember seeing a certain street
performer that is an excellent showman. He knows how to drum up business
and draw in a lot of people who otherwise are wandering around aimlessly.
When he has a captive crowd, he begins to juggle—first with only one ball.
“Everyone can do this,” he assures. “This is how you start juggling, with one
ball.”
The people watching say to themselves, “Yeah, we can do that. Anybody can
do that.”
Next he starts juggling with two balls. Most of the people still respond, “Yeah
we can do that too.”
Then he starts juggling two balls with one hand. The audience begins to get
thoughtful. Before long this man is doing things that the audience can’t believe.
He is juggling and is suddenly passing his hand right through the multiple balls
in the air, plucking one out and tossing it up behind his back. Then he starts
juggling with objects of different size and weight. If you haven’t juggled, the
impossibility of this may escape you.
If we had asked this street performer, “How did you ever learn to do all this?
He might have replied, “You probably have attempted to juggle once or twice
in your life too. You just didn’t finish.” The amount of time and effort that he
put forth in practice is incalculable, but through his persistence and work, he
has eventually reached a level of mastery that few know. The same is true in
learning to discipline the mind. It takes time, persistence, and work.
Hopefully you are getting the hang of using the daily planning sheets. In
essence, you’ll be learning how to create your day by focusing on your pre-
determined daily intentions as outlined in your daily plan. If you become
committed to this cycle, you will daily be holding yourself accountable for the
execution of your daily plan. If you become consistent at filling out the lessons
learned section at the end of each day, then you will become more and more
aware of what is working for you and what is not. With that information, you
can continue to search for better ways to accomplish your Future Picture
Statement.
Life is a Matter of Attention
After processing thousands of slips or relapse with clients through the years
I have discovered that any addictive episode can be broken down into five
simple parts:
Fleeting idea
Mental attention (inviting the fantasy in)
Making plans
Acting out
Remorse
When explaining this process to clients I will ask them which part in this
process is the most critical for maintaining sobriety. Most can instantly see
that it is in the “Mental Attention” stage. The bottom line is this is where the
power of individual choice comes into play. We cannot be responsible for
every thought that pops into our heads but we can be accountable for what
we choose to do about them. We can allow a fleeting thought to linger or
we can excuse it by our awareness /mindfulness and ability to choose. If we
allow certain addictive thoughts to linger then the Limbic brain begins to take
over and we can loose control of our behavior. In a recent conversation I
had with my wife, (who is one of the most stable individuals I know) I asked
her about her thoughts and if she ever had any “bad” or “dark” thoughts and
her answer was clear and direct and quite frankly surprised and impressed
me. She simply said, “I refuse to think certain things”. In other words she was
saying to me, “I will not allow certain thoughts to take hold, I will not give them
my attention.”
Meditation
Learning to incorporate a certain form of meditation, as taught in this
program, will bring more stability to your recovery, and can eventually lead
to lasting sobriety. The word mediation is everywhere, but there remains a lot
of misunderstanding about exactly what meditation and the spiritual life are
all about. One of the things that has become crystal-clear to me in working
with numerous sexual addicts is that they have never had any training on
how to discipline their mind. As they have sought help in the past with their
addiction, they have received conflicting advice that sometimes borders on
the ridiculous. One individual was told by an uninformed “advisor” to stop
drinking milk. This leaves the individual with the impression that if he stopped
drinking milk, his problems with the addiction would go away. He stopped
drinking milk until he realized the addiction was still there in full-form. Many
other individuals are just told to stop their behaviors, but they are never taught
how to do it.
It has been estimated that the average person has between 2000 and 3000
thoughts per day with 60 percent of these thoughts in mental chaos. During
an out-of-control day, our brain can entertain even more thoughts, shattering
our focus and sense of self-control. Jim Fannin, who is an author, consultant,
and mental coach for the world’s top athletes and corporate executives,
has discovered that true champions in business, sports, and life do very little
unnecessary thinking. Champions have learned how to discipline their minds
in that they have approximately 1100 to 1300 thoughts per day. True
champions think less but hold a thought for a longer period of time. The first
fundamental in learning how to become a true champion of your recovery is
learning how to think less, not more. That is the real challenge. True champions
turn the old adage “less is more” into “Fewer thoughts produce more results.”
The form of meditation that you will now be introduced to will help you learn
to do this.
To begin with, meditation has nothing to do with the occult, the paranormal,
or hypnosis. It is none of those things. Second, meditation as taught in this
program is not about making your mind blank. Rather, it is a systematic
technique for taking hold of and concentrating to the utmost degree our
latent mental powers. It consists of training the mind, especially attention
and the will. The conscious mind can be likened unto the tip of an iceberg or
the 15% percent of an iceberg that the eye sees above the water line. The
unconscious mind can be likened unto the 85% of the iceberg that is below
the surface. Unless we have a way to influence in a positive way this deep
part of our mind, the likelihood of lasting change is minimal. It is from this
deep part of the mind (Limbic System) that cravings originate. The frustrating
challenge in dealing with such cravings is that we cannot directly control this
part of the brain where they originate.
Meditation is the key to gaining access to the subconscious part of the mind. It
takes persistence and commitment despite any small setbacks along the way.
That is the challenge of it—and that is why it can appeal so deeply to people
with a skeptical streak, who simply cannot take seriously the claims for instant
transformation. They know one cannot reverse long-standing addictions and
habits by signing up for an “enlightenment weekend,” any more than one
can sit down at a piano and play Beethoven or Handle after learning to
find middle C. Many clients that have come to me for help are extremely
skeptical and even doubtful that anything can really help them with their
addiction. I can assure you that there are no quick fixes, but if you will apply
these principles on a consistent basis, the changes that you desire will begin
to be realized. Wherever you stand, whatever your strengths and liabilities,
whatever your reservations, meditation can help now.
It will be helpful to know at the outset that practicing meditation is like running
a marathon, not simply jogging once or twice around a track. Once, it is said,
a great painter took a mediocre portrait and brought it to vibrant life with a
few quick strokes. His students were awed. “How did you manage to achieve
that?” One asked. “It took just five minutes at most.” The master said, “Oh, yes,
it took only five minutes to do it. But it took twenty-five years to learn how to
do it.” Learning to train the mind will be the greatest challenge you will ever
face. In the beginning process of meditation, you will become acutely aware
of how undisciplined your mind really is. The purpose of this form of meditation
is to train the rational mind to recognize and deal with the un-rational part of
the brain (limbic system). Up to this point you simply haven’t taught your mind
how to do this.
When beginning the process of meditation it is helpful to describe the mind

and the brain as different parts of yourself. The mind is the infinite intelligent
part of yourself and the brain is the physical plastic part of yourself that is
ruled by the law of habit. The physical brain simply responds to what the
mind gives it. It is the unaware mind that has allowed pornography to infect
the instinctive brain. To get better the mind must be taught how to give the
physical brain better information. The purpose of meditating is to teach the
mind how to focus, something that it is not used to doing. The first step is to
choose a sacred meaningful passage, something that will instill hope, faith,
kindness, strength and other positive virtues. You can obtain meaningful
passages from a number of different sources. Once you have chosen your
passage, commit it to memory. For example, one of my favorite passages is
found in the bible “Isaiah 40:31” which states:
“But they that wait upon the Lord

Shall renew their strength:
They shall mount up with wings as eagles;
They shall run, and not be weary,
And they shall walk, and not faint.”
Once you have chosen and memorized your passage or prayer, you are
ready to begin the meditation process. When meditating, it is recommended
that you find a place that is quiet so that you can be undisturbed. Usually,
early in the morning is the best, but you be your own judge. Some find it helpful
to practice their meditation before going to bed. It is not necessary to get
into the lotus position; for most people this just isn’t realistic. Find a place to
be comfortable sitting in a chair with your feet resting on the floor and your
arms resting comfortably on your legs. At the outset choose a specific amount
of time you will be meditating. It is suggested that you being with 5 minutes.
Again, you may be very surprised at how long 5 minutes can seem. Eventually
you can meditate for up to 30 minutes at a time but it is not recommended
to spend more than 30 minutes per session. Close your eyes and relax and
then begin repeating the words of your passage. For example, if I were
meditating on the above passage I would close my eyes, take a couple of
deep cleansing breaths, get myself in a comfortable state and then begin
repeating the passage:
But…they…that…wait…upon…the…lord…shall…renew…their…strength, and so
forth. The words should be comfortably spaced with a little elbowroom
between them. With practice and experimentation, you can find the speed
that works best for you. If the words stand too far apart, they will not be
working together. When I have completed the passage I would go back to the
beginning and repeat it again in like manner. I would focus on the passage
for a specified period of time over and over again. The purpose behind this
type of meditation is to teach the mind how to pay attention to one specific
thing. It is the beginning process of mental discipline. In the beginning, a few
minutes may seem like an eternity, but through regular practice, you can sit
for longer periods of time.
As you go through the passage, strive not to follow any association of ideas.
Just keep to the words. Despite your best efforts, you will find this extremely
difficult. You will begin to realize what an accomplished trickster the brain can
be and the lengths it will go to distract you.
Let’s say that you’re meditating on the above passage and reach the end of
the passage for the second time: “they…shall…run…and…not…be…weary…and…
shall…walk…and…not…faint.” So far your mind has concentrated fully on the
passage and has not wandered at all. Excellent! But at the word “faint” the
brain asked, “Aren’t you hungry? Don’t you need to go and get something to
eat?” Well, it has raised a meaningful and compassionate question because
you do need to eat in order to survive. You might say, “Yes, I am hungry”
and off you go on a stream of thoughts that have taken you away from
your purpose. Anything that takes concerted effort comes from the mind. The
brain doesn’t like effort because it can be painful. Remember the Limbic Brain
would rather avoid any type of pain and replace it with pleasure. It thrives
on instant gratification.
This is the sort of thing you really need to be on the lookout for. Don’t let your
mind wander from the words of the inspiration passage. The brain wants to
distract you; it tries to escape and become enmeshed in something—anything
else. Again, the main strategy is to keep your concentration on the passage
as much and as long as you can. It will be very difficult at times.
Suppose that the mind does completely stray. What should you do? Simply
bring the mind back to the passage when it strays like that. Though you will
have to do this many times; this is not a pointless activity, or wasted effort.
Even if you did nothing during your meditation period but bring your mind
back to the passage, your time would be very well employed. You are in the
process of teaching the mind how to respond to your direction. Your mind will
learn in time if you are persistent. Today, you may have to bring it back fifteen
times, perhaps forty. But in two years, you may bring it back only a few times;
in five years, perhaps twice; in ten years not at all.
The key is to respond to these distractions gently and not in an aggressive,

frustrating or angry way. Remember that the “strain of attention is the
fundamental act of will”. By gently being persistent against your brain, you
make your mind stronger. You need to remember that your mind has been
undisciplined for many years. It is like you are embarking on the quest to train
a wild stallion. Your brain, like a wild stallion, will naturally resist being brought
under control. The brain wants to distract you by engaging you in a fight. That
is just another one of its’ tricks to pull you away from the passage upon which
you are meditating. By gently returning to the passage repeatedly IT will
eventually get the message that you are not going away. So when distractions
come, and they will, just accept them for what they are—distractions.
There are two main purposes for applying this type of meditation. The first is
to train you in the art of concentration. When I was small boy, I would watch
in fascination as my brother played with his magnifying glass. He used to hold
the lens over a piece of paper until the sun’s rays gathered to an intense focus
and set the paper aflame. In meditation, we gradually focus the mind so that
when we meet a difficulty, we can cut right to the central problem and deal
with it more efficiently.
The second purpose of meditation is that we begin to resemble and actually

become whatever we give our attention to. If you think about it, all that we
ever are is a result of the things that we have thought. Through the practice
of meditation, we can begin to purposely focus on inspirational passages that
begin in a very subtle way to transform us. We become what we spend our
time focusing on. If we don’t like who we are at the present moment, then we
can begin to change by learning to pay attention to and focus on different
things. In James Allen’s famous little book entitled, “As A Man Thinketh” he
states: “Man is made or unmade by himself; in the armory of thought he
forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools
with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and
peace. By right choice and true application of thought, man ascends to the
Divine Perfection; by the abuse or wrong application of thought, he descends
below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades
of character, and man is their maker and master.”
To make progress in meditation, you must practice it regularly. Some people

catch fire at the beginning, but when the novelty wears off in a few days
and the hard work sets in, their fires dampen and go out. They cut back,
postpone, become distracted from their original purpose, and make excuses.
Your determination will be tested in this process and you will have to face the
question that only you can answer for yourself, “What is it that I really want?”
There is only one failure in meditation: the failure to mediate faithfully.
Some choose to memorize their Future Picture Statement and make it an

object of their meditation. This can have many positive benefits. In your mind’s
eye you can see as if what you desire has become a reality. This is the first step
in any creative process. Beautiful thoughts, which are consistently attended
to, will eventually build a beautiful soul. Modern research continues to find
that merely thinking about things produces changes comparable to those
triggered by actually moving. Learning to pro-actively meditate teaches your
mind how to focus and thus begins to change the way your brain works at
the unconscious level.
Great inventors like the Wright brothers, Alexander Graham Bell and Thomas
Edison didn’t focus on what didn’t work. Despite their many setbacks, they
kept their focus on what they saw in their mind’s eye. The law of faith states
that you must see it (visualize) in your minds’ eye first, and learn to focus on it
before it becomes a reality. If you hold onto faith and couple it with effort you
will be amazed at how quickly you can begin to make progress.
As one practices mindfulness and meditation as described in this chapter, one

comes to understand that thoughts are things, and that no thought attended
to is insignificant. Because of the advances of modern technology and the
use of PET and MRI scans, researchers are now able to take pictures of the
brain as one is thinking. Neuroscientists are now seeing that “Motor circuits
in the brain become active during pure mental imagery. Like actual, physical
movement, imagined movements trigger synaptic change at the cortical level.
Merely thinking about moving produced brain changes comparable to those
triggered by actually moving.” –Dr. Jeffery Schwartz
The more consistently you practice meditation, the more you’ll find stability in
your mind. Just making the effort to sit down and meditate is like putting a
saddle on the wild stallion. But, just getting a saddle on the horse is a far cry
from being able to ride it. The tools needed to begin the training process are
mindfulness and awareness; that is, learning to live in the present moment.
The power of mindfulness is that you can learn to bring your focus back to the
words of the verse upon which you are meditating. The power of awareness is
that you’ll know when you are doing it. Awareness knows when the horse has
bolted, and tells mindfulness to bring it back. Bringing your mind back to the
verse sounds simple, but when you start to practice it, you’ll discover it is quite
the opposite. We’re so thoroughly trained in following our thoughts that our
mindfulness is weak. Our awareness isn’t too strong either. At the beginning,
it is hard for us to see where we are and what we’re doing.
The good news is that mindfulness and awareness are intrinsic aspects of the
mind—not something foreign that we’re trying to bring in. Mindfulness is what
we use to hold our minds to any object, and awareness is the intelligence
that tells us what we’re doing. So in meditating properly, we’re strengthening
aspects of our mind that are already there. It’s like physically exercising. In
developing mindfulness and awareness, the mind begins to feel its strength
and its ability to simply be present. We begin to get a glimpse of the mind’s
natural ability. By training the naturally restless mind or wild stallion through
the daily practice of meditation, we become intimate with how it feels to be
peacefully riding the trail. We’d much rather return to the present moment
than chase a thought or follow a distraction. We become familiar with the
stability of our mind and we find a peaceful joy that is never found following
distracting or addictive thoughts.
Embarking on the journey of meditation, calls forth tremendous amounts of

courage. When we take our seats and begin to focus our minds on the words
of the meditation, the sheer volume of intruding thoughts can be overwhelming.
This experience is so well documented by the lineage of meditators that it’s
traditionally described as a waterfall.
Now we may think, “I wasn’t this bewildered before. Meditation has made my
state of mind worse. It was supposed to give me peace and liberation from
distracting and addictive thoughts, but now I’m more angry and irritated than
ever.” What is happening is that we begin to recognize a level of thought and
emotion that we had never stopped to notice before. Meditation is showing
us the nature of the beast. This is why it takes courage to practice it. Learning
to be aware of the torrential rain of thoughts is how we begin to train the
mind. We can regard this as a positive experience, even though it may not
feel that way. We can’t possibly find the stability and peace that comes from
meditation without first experiencing the wildness of our mind.
Through the daily practice of meditation, you can become more aware of
your thoughts throughout the day. When an addictive thought is presented
to the mind, you can draw on the strength you’ve gained through meditation
and bring your mind back to another area of focus. If you allow an addictive
thought to nest in your mind, a biochemical reaction takes place, which
starts the addictive cycle in progress. Learning to recognize such thoughts
at the outset and dealing with them there dissipates their potential power to
influence behaviors.
It appears that the powerful craving comes from a biochemical called

Dopamine. Dopamine is a chemical associated with intense pleasure. Its
function is to drive one toward an action based on anticipation. It is important
to understand that Dopamine is a neurotransmitter flowing through the body
that creates this intense emotion or feeling of anticipation. But here is the
tricky part about anticipation. This feeling of intense emotion goes away
when the anticipated action takes place. Dopamine is all about the hunt and
the anticipation. However, this surge of pleasure drops sharply as soon as the
anticipated behavior is accomplished, which can result in a sense of let-down
or remorse shortly afterwards.
Through years of dealing with addiction, your brain has learned to function
this way. Dopamine is released in your system with the purpose of leading
you to certain behaviors. Now, understanding this, you’ll be able to call it for
what it is. Through awareness you can know that this intense craving that
your body is feeling is the natural result of a chemical reaction produced by
your brain. You need not feel guilt or shame yourself because of it. Your brain
has simply learned to respond this way over time. But now you can give it a
name (Dopamine) and learn that the craved behavior really doesn’t need to
be acted upon. Yes, it would feel pleasurable, but from much experience, you
have learned about the numerous negative consequences and the letdown
afterward. Learning to sit with this chemical flowing through your body and
turning your energies into other productive areas is what change is about.
Acceptance, which is a part of mindfulness practice, teaches that it is not
productive to try and control things that cannot be controlled. It is helpful
to remember that the part of the brain where the craving originates is not
under the direct control of the conscious mind. The goal of this program is to
help in living a full, rich, and meaningful life, rather than becoming free of
unwanted cravings. The “cravings” or symptoms are not the problem; it is the
acting on them that is. We know of no way to teach individuals to be free of
triggers or unwanted cravings from time to time and rigid inflexible attempts
to control, reduce, and avoid experiencing them, for what they are becomes
the problem, not the solution. We can’t turn our emotions on or off in the same
way that we can move our hand on or off the hot stove. Our thoughts and
feelings are with us wherever we go. We cannot escape or avoid them and
it is in our attempts to do so that seems to give the craving more power and
control. The key to change is in the understanding that although you cannot
control your emotions as you would like to, you absolutely can control and
manage your behavior. Suppose that it is what one does with an intense
craving, not the craving itself per se, that is the problem. Suppose that triggers
and cravings are not “symptomatic” of anything, but rather normal facets of
human experience. Attempts, therefore, to teach individuals to become better
suppressors or avoiders of their unwanted thoughts and anxious feelings,
is unlikely to work as a lasting solution, for this is what many persons with
addictive disorders are already doing by the time they enter therapy.
Instead of trying to flee from unwanted thoughts and feelings, recovery work
suggests that you experiment with learning to lean into the pain in a positive
way. When you are experiencing a craving, you have a very powerful
chemical enticing you to perform a certain behavior, but through mindfulness,
you are learning to direct your behaviors in another way. The exciting thing to
understand is that the mind will respond to your willful and mindful direction,
but again this requires patience because you are training it to move in a
different direction than it has in the past. The difference between one in
active addiction and one in recovery is not the absence of triggers, cravings,
trauma, pain and negative private events. The difference is whether one is
willing to experience the totality of their emotions and still do what matters
most.
We must remember that cure is not defined by the alleviation of discomfort but
by learning to take constructive action in one’s life in spite of the discomfort.
The beginning of change takes root in the psychology of action.
Practicing daily meditation as has been outlined in this chapter can help you
become more aware of how your mind works. It will help you gain a deeper
understanding that unwanted thoughts and emotions will pop up from time
to time. The fact that they “pop” up is not the problem because we cannot
control that. They can either become a problem or not depending on what
you choose to do with them! Learning to accept them for what they are
without acting on them, and then moving in a positive direction based on
your Future Picture Statement is what change is about. The magic of change
is found in small and simple daily actions that are practiced consistently. It will
take time and patience, but after reading this manual and then completing
the exercises therein, you will notice a power that will come into your life,
one of freedom and an understanding that you can direct your own life
through the power of choice that is inherent in you. You will learn that you
have a choice about which thoughts to attend to. You will learn that if you
allow yourself to give your attention to addictive thoughts you will shortly
thereafter loose control over your behavior. You will learn that you truly have
the capacity to manage the addicted brain by exercising this great power
that up until this time has lain dormant. You will learn that “Yes, I can do hard
things,” and you can if you will!
Note:
Many of the ideas about this form of active meditation that was outlined in
this chapter come from the work of Eknath Easwaran. For further study in this
area I would encourage you to read his works.
Passages for Meditation
Matthew 11:28-30
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you,
and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
The Prayer of Saint Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born
To eternal life.
Self-Discipline
It is one of the strange ironies of this strange life
that those who work the hardest,
who subject themselves to the strictest discipline,
who give up certain pleasurable things in order to achieve a goal,
are the happiest people.
– Brutus Hamilton
Forgiveness
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.
– Isaiah 1:18
Psalm of David
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul;
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
For his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk

Through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me

In the presence of mine enemies;
Thou anointest my head with oil;
My cup runneth over.
Surley goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
– Psalms 23
Destiny
Destiny is not a matter of chance,
it is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waited for,
It is a thing to be achieved.
– William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
Persistence
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed people
can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
– Margaret Mead
Courage
What really counts is not the immediate act of courage or of valor,
but those who bear the struggle day in and day out – not the sunshine
patriots but those who are willing to stand for a long period of time.
– John F. Kennedy
CHAPTER 6
Re-write your neural program through action
“Seize the very first possible opportunity

to act on every resolution you make, and
on every emotional prompting you may
experience in the direction of the habits you
aspire to gain. It is not in the moment of
their forming, but in the moment of their
producing motor effects, that resolves and
aspirations communicate the new ‘set’ to the
brain.” –William James
That statement by William James was made in the late 1800s. This reflection
was inspired and was well ahead of its time. Through the advances of science,
we now know the human brain functions according to the law of habit. We
also understand that the vast majority of human behavior is driven by the
unconscious brain, out of the law of habit. Addictions are powerful habits
with strong neural connections that tend to bind one to behaviors that are
destructive, frustrating and very difficult to overcome. Until now, efforts to help
addicts gain lasting behavioral change have been largely ineffective.
William James also made another profound statement that we now can verify
as true: “I believe that we are subject to the law of habit in consequence of
the fact that we have bodies. The plasticity of the living matter of our nervous
system, in short, is the reason why we do a thing with difficulty the first time, but
soon do it more and more easily, and finally, with sufficient practice, do it semi-
mechanically, or with hardly any consciousness at all. Our nervous systems
have grown to the way in which they have been exercised” (Robert Frager,
James Fadiman, Personality and Personal Growth, Harper and Row 1984 261).
With the latest understanding of how the human brain functions, we are ready
to take the next step in the evolution of addiction treatment. The tools that
have been developed are powerful and can increase the speed of change.
We now understand how to increase the motivation and desire to change
through neural reconditioning and consistent daily practice.
For those who struggle with addiction issues, deep neural connections at the
unconscious level are driving behavior. That these neural connections can be
changed is now sure. The brain is constantly changing and will continue to
do so throughout life. This change occurs through the consistent application
of certain principles. It is thrilling to read all the incredible stories of change
and success from clients around the world as they have applied the principles
taught in the InnerGold system. One client who has been sober for over one
year recently wrote:
“I do not look at pornography today, I do not

masturbate.Two things I honestly thought I
could never say before I entered into therapy
… I would not be where I am today without
the help of therapy and the InnerGold system.
I always had the desire to change, but I lacked
the practical daily tools in order to do so. The
knowledge I’ve gained has literally changed
every aspect of my life! The InnerGold system
is not just a program to complete but a way of
life and that has made the difference.”
– Mike P.
Years ago, I had a profound experience that made a lasting impression on
my life. The memory of this experience has stuck with me in vivid detail. While
attending a local junior college in California, I was offered a custodial position
at a beautiful new church building under construction. The work schedule was
flexible, which was perfect for me while attending school. The church was
nearing completion, and it was my responsibility to make sure the building was
immaculate both inside and out. This was truly a beautiful building! The lawn,
trees and shrubbery outside were well-kept and looked beautiful. The inside
was furnished with all new materials. There was even a full-court basketball
gym/cultural hall in the center of the building. The members of the church were
excitedly anticipating the dedication of the building so they could begin their
activities and worship services there. From the outside it appeared everything
was in order.
About two weeks before the dedication of the building, the contractor asked
me if I wanted to earn a little extra money. Being a young and “naive” college
student, the thought of a few extra dollars was very appealing so I told him
I was interested and asked what the job entailed. The contractor took me to
a utility room and pointed to a hatch on the ground. He said, “I need you to
go down there and clean out the tunnels that run throughout the building.
We need to get that cleaned out before the dedication of the building.” This
seemed exciting to me because I had no idea there were tunnels that ran
throughout the building. The contractor informed me I might want to take some
knee pads with me since the only way to do the job done was on my hands
and knees. He knew exactly what the job entailed, and I soon learned why
he was not doing the job himself.
Throughout the beautiful church building were tunnels big enough for a person
to crawl through, and I was supposed to take a five gallon plastic jug on a
little piece of ply wood with rollers on it and drag it along with me as I picked
up the junk left from the construction. I soon realized what had happened.
After the construction workers laid the foundation, they simply built over it
without cleaning it out. They put the flooring right over the junk. I found every
form of junk imaginable in those tunnels, including fast food wrappers, boards,
cigarette butts, cans, dirt and mud. A lot of the junk was simply too big to get
out with just a five gallon bucket and the plywood contraption. After about
eight hours of the arduous labor of picking up the garbage, my knees were
raw and tender and the slightest pressure brought searing pain. I thought if I
rested that night, my knees would feel better in the morning and I could give
it another go, but I soon learned that knees do not mend that quickly. The
process of dragging my bucket along with me, filing it up and then dragging
it back to the opening and dumping it in a wheelbarrow had taken its toll.
My pride had also suffered a blow as I realized I was not going to be able
to complete the job. I had only cleaned about 1/20th of the tunnels that ran
through the building. I found the contractor and told him I was sorry but there
was no way I was going to be able to finish the job in the allotted time.
As I was driving home that night, I thought how interesting this experience
was for me. I could see how man was like this building. On the outside
everything may look very beautiful, but on the inside there are things that
are not so beautiful that need fixing. Before the building could be dedicated,
things needed to be rectified and the tunnels needed to be cleaned out. I
just assumed that the contractor would do his job and take care of it. The
dedication of the building came and went, and the members began using the
building for all their activities and worship services. I always wondered if the
job had been completed and the tunnels had been cleaned out.
Ten years later I received the answer to my question. On a very hot Fourth of
July weekend, a number of guys were playing basketball when the sprinkler
system broke and water flooded the gym. The local church members quickly
rallied around and cleaned up the mess, but in the process of doing so water
was heard dripping or running underground through the floor vents. The local
leaders were concerned, and I informed them there were small tunnels that
ran under the building. This was my chance to see what had happened, so
I volunteered to go down in the tunnels. My suspicions were confirmed as I
found that nothing more had ever been done to remove the junk. It was even
worse than I remembered, and I am confident that now another 25 years
later, the junk is right where it has always been.
We are all very much like this church building in that we can look beautiful on
the outside and keep things that need to be corrected hidden on the inside.
Just like the building, as we go through life we pick up emotional and addictive
junk; more often than not, we just build over it (deny it) without ever dealing with
it in an appropriate manner. Such junk is laying the foundation of addictions
and problems in later life. The purpose of completing a moral inventory at
the beginning of this process should be clear. Feelings and emotions buried
alive simply do not die. They keep coming up over and over again, and it is
unfortunate that most people live in this stuck pattern. The foundation where
this junk sits is rarely addressed in an appropriate and meaningful manner.
Many people simply live the way they always have because that is all they
know.
How do we clean out our own personal tunnels? Finding a therapist to trust
and who is willing to work through the manual with you is highly encouraged.
As we go through life, we each come in contact with experiences that are
not favorable. This is how we learn and grow. One thing I have become
acutely aware of is that most people never talk about some of the troubling
experiences they have had. They just move forward and bury them. In many
cases, especially for children, they just do not have the capacity to put some
of these experiences into words. This is because the pre-frontal cognitive part
of our brain does not fully develop until later. Nevertheless, these experiences
and emotions leave a deep, lasting impression that can lead to addictive
behaviors. Most therapist are not trained in addiction issues, and many would
rather steer clear of them; that just is not practical anymore since sexual
addiction has become one of the primary mental health issue of our time,
along with chemical dependency . We hope to eventually have therapists
trained worldwide in the InnerGold system, but that will take some time.
The foundation for change has been laid for you. By whole-heartedly completing
the assignments, you are ready to take the final step and cement the change
process through consistent and patient practice of neural-reconditioning.
Through the pre-frontal cortex/conscious mind, you can recondition the way
the unconscious part of the brain works. In essence, you can rewrite your own
program by consistently completing the daily planning sheets and practicing
daily meditation as outlined, along with what you will be learning in this
chapter.
We have learned so much about how the human brain works, and we
know that most of our behaviors are driven by this deep unconscious part
of ourselves. It is possible that up to 90 to 95 percent of our behavior is
driven by our unconscious habits. Basically the unconscious part of the brain
is living out the program it has been given or that we unknowingly have given
it. When we have certain experiences in life, we have no way of knowing
how profound the lasting effects can be. When we are warned to stay away
from certain things, there is a very good reason for it! Pornography is a key
thing to avoid if one desires mental health and peace. The biological and
chemical reactions that take place in the brain after viewing pornography
are profound. Countless clients have described the most common symptoms
as depression, a foggy mind, lack of ability to concentrate, and anxious and
fidgety feelings. This is due to the disruption in the chemical dopamine that
has been thrown out of balance in the brain. When one views pornography,
the brain system is flooded with inordinate amounts of this feel-good chemical,
but in order to stay balanced in life, this chemical needs to stay within certain
limits without negative or crashing effects taking place. It needs to be clear
that pornography is a chemical addiction. Instead of putting the drug into the
arm or mouth, it comes in through the eyes. Neurons in the brain respond by
creating certain pathways that can form into habits and then addictions. The
good news is we now know we can inhibit and stop this process and create
new neural networks that lead to positive behaviors and outcomes. So where
does one begin in this process?
The steps for writing your new program:

Thought creates everything. Everything is created in a spiritual sense before
it has a physical manifestation. The law of Quantum Physics states that the
universe is a sea of possibility. Which thoughts you choose to give your attention
will create your reality. Focused thought is the most powerful creative force in
the universe. That is where it all begins!
Thoughts become seeds
Mold a desire thought into a seed. After choosing your thoughts carefully,
learn to spend time focusing on what you want to be. As you do this, you are
planting a seed.
Planting the seed with faith

By purposefully choosing and then focusing on the thoughts of your desire, you
create a seed that is ready to be planted. Remember that at this state it is only
a seed of possibility. It is critical that this seed is a precise picture of what you
want. A vaguely formed, ambiguous seed will never sprout or take root. For a
seed to flourish, it must be viable. Take a look at your Future Picture Statement
and see how precise and definite it is. Make sure your Future Picture Statement
is written in the present tense. The unconscious part of the brain, the part that
drives behavior, cannot tell the difference between the past, present and
future. To the unconscious everything is in the present. If your Future Picture
Statement says, “Someday I’ll be etc.,” that is exactly what it hears – “someday”
– and it will not attract any positive action today because it gets the message
that it can worry about it later, which of course never comes.
The Law of Incubation

Ecclesiastes puts it well that there is “a time to plant, a time to reap …” Far too
many people give up on the process of change and recovery because they
are inpatient with the progress they are seeing. Remember that with addiction
issues you are trying to forge a new neural pathway through an uncharted
forest with a machete when the super highway of past experience is the
easier route. The Law of Incubation says for every seed that is planted there
is a gestation period, a specific undetermined period of time that the seed
needs to establish itself. Just because you do not see the immediate results you
want does not mean the change process is not happening. What frequently
happens with the inpatient is they dig up the seed to see how it is doing and
destroy the progress it has already made. Learn to practice patience joyfully,
and with faith that the seed will grow!
The Law of Action

In order for the seed to grow, we must be actively engaged. The grand
fallacy that destroys more potential than anything else is that all one has to
do is believe and what they seek will grow. We must remember that “faith
without works is dead.” That means if we plant this great seed of hope and
possibility, it will DIE unless we do something to nourish it. There are times I
have worked with clients for over two years before they actually start doing
some of the assignments in the manual. It is wonderful to see their progress
when they actually start working, but I have always been baffled as to why it
has taken them so long to actually do something until I began to understand
the power of the unconscious brain. In the past few decades, one of the
greatest discoveries of neurological research is that over 90 percent of our
behaviors are automatic. This is why we set goals but do not reach them.
Setting goals is a function of the conscious mind; reaching them is a function of
the unconscious brain. To begin the process of rewiring the unconscious brain
and help create the motivation that leads to action, you should:
Create a vision board of your Future Picture Statement

The unconscious brain has the amazing capacity to think in pictures. It is
important to remember that the brain cannot tell the difference between a
thought that is repeatedly and vividly imagined and something that happens
in the external world. To the brain they are the same things. Create vivid
and inspiring pictures, and place this vision board in an area where you will
regularly see it. In this way, you are sending a message to your brain that this
is your desire. By viewing your vision board daily, you will be imprinting your
aspirations on your unconscious brain.
Create powerful and positive affirmations

Affirmations are short and powerful statements based on your Future Picture
Statement. The keys to writing affirmations are they must be stated in the
present tense and they must be precise and clear (see examples at the end
of this chapter). If affirmations are practiced consistently enough along with
viewing your vision board and completing your daily planning sheet, your are
sending a consistent message to the deep unseen parts of your brain that
drive behavior.
Anchor your affirmations with positive emotional charge

A great way to accelerate the change process is to associate your dreams with
a powerful emotional charge. This is how the process works. Find experiences
in your life that were amazingly powerful in a positive emotional sense and
link them to what you desire to become. For example, in high school I had
a number of powerful emotional experiences playing sports. In my first pre-
season basketball tournament as a sophomore playing on the varsity team,
the game came down to the wire. With the score tied, the opposing team
was bringing the ball up for what they hoped would be a victorious basket.
I stole the ball at half court and with time running out on the clock I dribbled
in for the winning layup. The crowd went crazy, and I was picked up by my
teammates and carried off the floor. The euphoria of that experience is still
with me today even though it happened over 30 years ago. If I were to use
this experience to link to a present day affirmation, I would allow myself to
relive that experience in as much detail as possible; then when the emotions
were high, I would link it to a positive affirmation I was working on in the
present such as “I am healthy and strong since my daily thoughts and practices
are healthy” or “The InnerGold system is helping millions of people worldwide
who struggle with addictions find hope, peace and lasting sobriety!”
“The great end of life is not knowledge but

action.” –Thomas Henry Huxley
Refuse to spend time on that which will only destroy your emotional and mental
peace. Put daily structures in place, and let this daily practice become a way
of life! You now have the tools to create your personal plan. Without a specific
plan to guide you, there are just too many distractions in the world that can
draw you onto crooked paths. Remember the first quote in this manual by Victor
Hugo:“ He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out
that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most
busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered
merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign.”
Be patient and steady. Remember Aesop’s tale of the Tortoise and the Hare.
The story concerns a hare who one day ridiculed a slow-moving tortoise. In
response, the tortoise challenged his swift mocker to a race. The hare soon
left the tortoise far behind, and confident of winning, he decided to take a
nap midway through the course. When he awoke, however, he found that his
competitor, crawling slowly but steadily, had already won the race. Slow and
steady wins the race! Consistency is at the center of the InnerGold philosophy.
In a Nut Shell
Understand that thought creates everything.
Create your thought seeds carefully and pro-actively.
Plant these seeds with faith.
Understand the Law of Incubation.
Understand the Law of Action
(faith without works is dead)
Focus on what you do want not on what you do not want
(think in positive present tense terms).
Create a vision board of your Future Picture Statement (look at it daily).
Create powerful and positive present tense affirmations
(make them a part of your dailies).
Anchor your affirmations with positive emotional charge.
Understand that gentle consistent practice of these daily principles is the only
way for your new program to begin running at the unconscious level. Once
the program is running, you will no longer have faith that it works because you
will know for yourself!
Note:
Focus on what you want, not on what you do not want. Make sure your daily
goals and affirmations are stated in positive terms as things that you do want.
For example, it is positive to state, “I am strong and completely sober today,”
whereas it is not helpful to state, “I don’t want to look at pornography or act
out sexually today.”
Page of daily affirmations (examples)

I am healthy and strong since my daily thoughts and practices are healthy!
I have the strength to do the right thing!
I walk away from triggering situations!
I am honest, caring, smart, supportive, loyal and fun to be with!
I am glowing with health and wholeness!
I behave in ways that promote my health more every day!
I live each day with faith, hope and purpose!
I am grateful for this day and the many possibilities in affords!
I view challenges as opportunities to increase my wisdom and strength!
I am an excellent husband and father!
I am an excellent wife and mother!
I enjoy the process of achieving all my goals and dreams!
I am humble but confident in my abilities!
I am a powerful and resourceful creator!
I am grateful for my vibrant health and energy!
My head and my heart are soaring with possibilities!
I am attracting positive and healthy people into my life!
I am able to take risks and try new things in spite of fear!
I am highly motivated to exercise my body because I find exercise uplifts my
spirit and increases my sense of well-being!
Appendix
On the following pages you’ll find copies of all of the assignments in the
treatment manual. Because the nature of change is a process it can be
helpful as time goes on to re-do some of the assignments. After completing
the moral inventory it is not helpful to go back and do that over and over
again. However, it can be useful to do a moral inventory beginning from the
point that you completed your original one.
Moral Inventory
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself. This is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. Take an honest look at your
past acting out behaviors and write them down. Also, examine how many times you have committed to stop this behavior. The best way
to approach this assignment is in segments of years. Examine your life from the ages of 5 to 10 years old, 10-15, 15-20 and so forth
until the present time. This is not a public document and should be shared only with a select few while in treatment. After completing
this document, some choose to keep it as a reminder and some choose to destroy it.
Rocking Chair Assignment
The gift of imagination can provide many things for us. This assignment encourages you to transport yourself through to periods of
time in the future. Take an honest look at what impact your addictive behaviors will have on your loved ones and your relationship
with them, (spouse, children, grandchildren, etc.) in the future. Describe what it would be like 5 years from now, then 10 years from
now, 20 years and so forth.



This is what I see if I don’t change the direction my life is heading.

This is what I see if I do change my life’s direction now.
Letter to your Addict
The purpose of this letter is to state your intentions to free yourself of an abusive relationship that has been going on for
many years. This letter should address the lies that the addict has told you in the past, the broken promises etc. It is a statement
of your intentions to no longer be a victim of your addict. It is the beginning statement of resolve to live a healthier and more
productive life.
Assignment #4
Things I can and cannot control
Physically Can’t Control: Physically Can Control:
Emotionally Can’t Control: Emotionally Can Control:
Spiritually Can’t Control: Spiritually Can Control:
Sexually Can’t Control: Sexually Can Control:
In each of the following four areas create a future picture statement for yourself.
Physically:
Emotionally:
Spiritually:
Sexually:
Drawing on the four preceding statements create a vision of what you hope your future to be. Write this Future Picture Statement
as if it were already a reality.
REMEMBER
1348 W. State Street, Suite 102
Pleasant Grove, UT. 84062
[email protected]
www.innergold.com
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The Manual That Is Changing The World One Person at A Time

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What is the purpose of the manual?

What is the purpose of the manual?

What are some of the topics covered in the manual?

What are some of the topics covered in the manual?

“The Manual That is Changing The World …One Person at a Time”

by Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C.

igc manualCover_final.indd 1 9/8/08 1:57:50 PM

“The world breaks everyone and

Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C.

© Copyright 2009 InnerGold Counseling Services, Inc.

Gordon S. Bruin is available for on-site training and consultation, by contacting:

InnerGold Counseling Services

“He who every morning plans Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

the transaction of the day and Chapter I

chance of incidence, chaos will Chapter V

Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885) Chapter VI

Daily Planning Sheet . . . . . . . . . . . . 105

Overcoming a sexual addiction is one of the greatest challenges

It took four months of meeting weekly with John before he came

Overcoming sexual addiction is a process and not an event.

“These are the times that try men’s souls…

Stage One: Pre-contemplation

Stage Two: Contemplation

Stage Three: Preparation, Planning, and Commitment

Stage Four: Action

Stage Five: Maintenance

The commitment that is necessary for ongoing abstinence and positive

Drawing on over 40 years of extensive research, The American Psychological

1) Client Factors: Motivation and desire to change.

Connection/Relationship with the Therapist

Hope and Expectancy

Without minimizing the influence of the past, one is encouraged to remain

As with any disease, the treatment protocol must be followed if improvement

“It is easier to resist at the beginning than

Understanding that addiction is a disorder of the brain is of the utmost

There are no quick solutions to pornography/sexual addiction issues. Change

Sexual Addiction is best likened to a disease because it seems to follow a

(Note: As I have presented this material to large audiences, many have

Through the advances of modern technology, we now have a better

What Olds discovered that is so significant to the understanding of addiction

Throughout the process of recovery most individuals begin to become more

“Congratulations” on just making the first big step in your recovery.

From countless hours of experience working with clients I am convinced that

Pornography/sexual addiction is such a challenge because it has the capacity

The progressive nature of sexual addiction is that it can become all-

He was confused by the messages that pornography was sending him.

The following assignments will help you in

Assignment #1 – Moral Inventory

Assignment #2 – Rocking Chair Assignment:

Assignment #3 – Letter to Your Addict

In 5 years I will be years old. My children will be years old.

In 10 years I will be years old. My children will be years old.

“From where the sun now stands, I will fight no

One of the most challenging concepts for recovering addicts to embrace

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things

Physically Can’t Control: Physically Can Control:

Emotionally Can’t Control: Emotionally Can Control:

Sexually Can’t Control: Sexually Can Control:

“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter