T H E F I S H Y B OW L

Just some of the thoughts that swim

around in my head.

! !

Female Orgasm 101:

APRIL 26, 2015 / EMMA HIGGINS

what every guy should

know, but so few do

Follow

Many women require a perfect storm to enjoy

a full orgasm with their partner; the right
mood, the right maneuvers, the right man (or
woman). When these elements aren’t
matching up it can create frustration, and
shame. Sensual moments that should be
opportunities to increase intimacy can
become stress provoking and create further
distance. Articles upon articles from Cosmo to
Mens Health boast of secrets to life
altering orgasms, and yet many women
continue to have difficulty climaxing with their
partner. In fact statistics suggest that about
75% of women usually don’t experience
orgasm during sex (compared to 10% of men)
(Sex in American Survey, 1994), and about 10-
15% of women have never experienced
orgasm. Part of the problem is that female
orgasm gets plenty of press and publicity,
but it’s often misinformation that’s
being dispersed, while some simple basics get
skipped over. With that in mind, I thought I
would cover some of the fundamentals that
every guy should know, but few seem
to practice.

Clitoral Stimulation

I know what you’re probably thinking –

“Duh!” But as much as it would seem that the
importance of clitoral stimulation for female
orgasm is common knowledge, the little love
button still gets neglected. This might partly
be due to men assuming that the clitoris is
being sufficiently rubbed during intercourse,
however this is rarely the case. In fact, it’s very
unlikely that any intercourse position will
provide enough clitoral stimulation for a
woman to climax, explaining why the majority
of women do not experience orgasm
during intercourse. Even when there is clitoral
stimulation during intercourse, it’s often not
for long enough or not consistent enough for
orgasm.

Adding to the neglect of the poor little clitoris,

is all this hype about the “G-spot”. The G-spot
is understood to consists of an extension of
interior clitoral tissue that can be stimulated
through the vaginal wall in SOME women. So –
not all woman appear to have a “G-spot”, and
for those that do, it’s still essentially
stimulating the clitoris and requires the
same finesse. However, we know that all
women DO have a clitoris, so rather than
focusing your efforts inside her vagina hoping
she’s one of the lucky G-spottees, wouldn’t it
make more sense to stick with what we know
works?

A public service announcement: I know that

porn is super awesome, but please don’t be
fooled by the women who are paid to act like
having a penis drilled in and out of them is the
greatest ecstasy they’ve ever experienced.
Realize this: intercourse in and of itself does
feel pleasurable for most women, and your
woman may vocalize her enjoyment, and
sometimes that’s plenty satisfying enough for
both parties without necessarily feeling like
everyone has to orgasm. But also
know: orgasms are like, the best – and your
lady deserves one as much as you do. So just
because she seemed to enjoy herself, doesn’t
mean she came… and unfortunately, just
because she said she came, doesn’t mean she
came.

Despite what porn would have us believe with

it’s variety of acrobatic positions, the
intercourse position that’s most likely to bring
a woman to orgasm is actually a modified
version of ol’ faithful Missionary referred to
as the Coital Alignment Technique. If a man is
on top and leaning more forward (than typical
missionary) such that the base of his
penis/pubic bone is angled against the clitoris,
and he rocks up and down (rather than
thrusting in and out), it’s possible for both
partners to be stimulated and reach
simultaneous orgasm via intercourse. Read
more about CAT here.

Good Things Come For

Those Who Wait

At the root of many frustrated men’s damaged

egos, and orgasm-deprived women’s shame is
a simple biological truth – women’s bodies
take a longer amount of time to progress
through the arousal cycle and reach orgasm.
Men typically can reach orgasm within a few
minutes, women generally need at least 15
minutes. This is true regardless of a man’s
sexual prowess, and a woman’s libido.
Therefore if a man is only stimulating a woman
for the same amount of time it takes him to get
off, it’s not enough. Not nearly. Expecting your
woman to get off in the same amount of time it
takes you is unrealistic and will likely cause
frustration. In addition, if she has the feeling
that you want her to reach orgasm faster than
she can, it will only cause anxiety and
distractions; further inhibiting her ability to
reach orgasm.

You want to create an environment where she

feels like she has all the time in the world,
because you truly enjoy pleasuring her. This
means that you should begin stimulating your
female partner long before you are stimulated,
or continue afterwards (or both! After-all,
women can have multiple orgasms!). The
average woman requires at least 15 minutes
of stimulation to climax, and will become sore
after about 45 minutes, so use that as a
guideline for the amount of time to spend
pleasing your woman. While only 30%
of average women report reliably reaching
orgasm with their partner, research
shows that 93% of women who’s partners
spend 20 minutes or more on foreplay, reliably
experience orgasm.

Steady Rhythmic
Movement

Imagine your penis is being stroked at a nice

steady rhythm, when all of a sudden
your partner starts doing something
completely different. It might feel good, and
exciting, but the change of pace might also
have slightly interrupted your progress
towards climax. Well the same is true for
women except much more dramatically so.
There’s nothing wrong with trying some
different things when you’re playing
downtown, in fact that’s part of what makes
things fun and exciting. But know that when
you want to bring your woman to climax, it
usually requires a steady rhythm of
stimulation, possibly with gradually increasing
speed and pressure.
space
This is another reason why intercourse often
doesn’t lead to orgasm. Some men might
stimulate the clitoris for a bit during foreplay,
then again during intercourse, and maybe
even again after a change in position – Well
intentioned, but the stopping and starting, and
different rhythms are going to interrupt that
15 minutes of clitoral stimulation.
space
Sometimes men may think that doing the
same thing for too long might get boring for
the woman, or perhaps they become
concerned that what they’re doing
isn’t working. But generally, if a woman is close
to climaxing and then her partner
aburptly switches up the rhythm, she’ll lose
her momentum and have to start building
towards climax again. Often times the next
technique her partner tries is just as
pleasurable, but the change of pace just sets
her back in the progression towards climax.
These concerns can be addressed with some
healthy sexual communication (discussed
farther below), i.e.: ask your girl to signal you if
she likes what you’re doing and doesn’t want
you to stop.

Avoid Direct Clitoral

Stimulation

I know, I know… seems like I’m contradicting

myself here. Hear me out.
While the clitoris is key for female orgasm, it is
an extremely sensitive area with 8
thousand nerve endings. Some well-meaning,
eager to please men will go right for the
clitoris and apply intense, direct pressure,
even pushing back the skin on the mons pubis
to better expose the clitoris. Love the
enthusiasm boys, but for many women this
much direct stimulation is too intense.

It might be helpful to think about the clitoris

as analogous to the penis – after all they’re
made from the same embryonic tissue.
The visible part of the clitoris is comparable to
the head (or glans) of the penis. For many men,
direct stimulation concentrated on the head of
the penis can also become too intense. Now
consider that the penis has half as many nerve
endings as the clitoris. What you might not
have known is that the clitoris also has a shaft,
similar to the penis, that runs about an inch
from the glans towards the belly button under
the skin. Consider involving this in your
stimulation as much as one might involve the
shaft of the penis in stimulating a man. Other
ways to avoid over-stimulating the clitoris is to
limit your use of a pointed tongue or the tips
of your fingers. Instead opt for a flat tongue or
several fingers together in order to disperse
the pressure throughout a wider area. A great
way to learn what works for her is to just
provide a surface (your tongue, your gums,
your fingers, etc.) and let her guide the
pressure and rhythm by rubbing against you.

No Need for Spread Eagle

You know that sexy move you do that spreads

her legs wide? Yeah, don’t do that. At least not
if you want her to be able to orgasm. A lot of
positions that seem really sexy (and can
certainly feel good and provide novelty
excitement) actually restrict blood flow to a
woman’s pelvic muscles, inhibiting her ability
to enter into the automatic muscle spasms
that come with orgasm and can thereby delay
or prevent her from reaching orgasm. This is
another reason why many positions for
intercourse are not ideal for female orgasm.
As a rule of thumb, her legs should be about 6-
9 inches apart when you’re trying to bring her
to climax. Having her lie flat on her back with a
pillow under her lower back is really ideal for
the relaxation and blood flow needed for
orgasm. Other exciting positions including
69ing, kneeling, standing, etc. (while fun)
usually create too much muscle tension and
constriction for orgasm. This doesn’t mean
you have to resign to vanilla sex. Women don’t
experience a refractory period after orgasm
like men do, so I suggest setting your lady up
for success, bringing her to climax, and then
explore whatever wild positions and
techniques you (consensually) choose for your
own pleasure.

Comfort and Confidence

For many women, sex is as psychological as it

is physical, and so preparing your woman’s
state of mind is as important as any of the
above advice. Sometimes a woman’s biggest
obstacle to achieving orgasm is getting out of
her own head, so the more you can do to help
her be present and tuned into her physical
sensations over the static in her head, the
better. Particularly loud static often consists
of stress, and insecurities. Do what you can to
help her unwind and let go of any stress
whether its via a relaxing back rub, bubble
bath, relaxing music, or even just diverting her
attention to something enjoyable like a
movie before you become physical, or even
just giving her some time to unwind.

Realize that sex can make many women feel

extremely vulnerable and exposed. Any
insecurity that a woman has about herself
physically or sexually is going to be at the
forefront of her mind, making it very hard to
focus on the physical sensations in her body.
Help your woman by doing what you can to
make her feel she has nothing to be insecure
about. There’s no such thing as over the top
here fellas – make her feel like a goddess. Tell
her how beautiful she is, how much she turns
you on, how much you love her body. Feeling
pressure to orgasm can get in the way of
orgasm, so again, let her know how much you
enjoy every aspect of pleasuring her, and that
she has all the time in the world. The more
confident and sexy she feels with you, the
better the sex is going to be – guaranteed.

This chick’s got nothing on your girl!

Part of making her feel comfortable is also

being mindful of the environment. If she’s too
cold or too distracted by harsh lighting or an
uncomfortable position it can be harder to
relax and be present. If she feels self-
conscious with the lights on, turn them off. If
she’s more comfortable under the covers,
cover her up. This is her time – you can discuss
compromises for when it’s your time.

Communication

While I hope this provided some helpful

basics, remember that every woman
is different, and every woman’s orgasm is
unique. The advice above can serve as a
guideline, but it won’t all be true for every girl.
The number one best thing you can do for your
sex life is communicate. Talking about sex can be
sensitive, as the topic tends to make us all feel
very vulnerable. We wonder if what we do is
normal, and if what we like is acceptable. We
wonder how we compare to others, and we
wonder what our partner is thinking. We avoid
the topic for fear of rejection, but in exchange
we sacrifice amazing fulfilling sexual
connection with our partners.
space
So ask what turns them on, ask what feels
good and what doesn’t, ask what they’ve been
curious about but never tried, ask how they
masturbate, ask what they fantasy about.
Consider yourself a student, going for your
Ph.D in pleasing your partner. The rule for
healthy sexual communication is: no
judgement, and no defensiveness. If your partner
shares that something you’re doing isn’t
working, rather than taking it as an insult, take
it as an opportunity to learn to better please
your partner. If your partner shares something
you’re not comfortable with, remember you
don’t necessarily have to act on the things you
communicate about, but your relationship and
sex life will benefit just due to your ability to
openly and non-judementally communicate
about your wants and desires.

Now maybe it seems like I just threw a lot of

information at you, but remember practice
makes perfect! Hopefully, once you start
implementing some of these basics and begin
a dialogue with your partner about your
sexual preferences, you’ll find that bringing
your woman to climax is a relatively simple
process. To be fair, a woman shares
responsibility for her orgasm, whether it’s
managing her own stress or honestly
communicating her needs – amazing sex is a
team effort. If you and your partner continue
to experience frustration and difficulty
regarding orgasm, you might consider
consulting with a doctor, as many medical
issues and medications can influence one’s
ability to climax.
space
I want to conclude with a reminder that
orgasm is only one part of sexual experience
and expression. In my opinion, when we have
sex with the sole purpose of getting off, we’re
limiting ourselves sexually. I’d encourage
everyone to explore, enjoy, and indulge in all
aspects arousal without considering each act
as a step towards orgasm. That being said, it’s
nice to be able to give and receive the gift of
an orgasm with your partner, and I hope some
of the tips above might help with sharing that
gift.
Advertisements

Report this ad

Report this ad

Share this:

    1

Like
3 bloggers like this.

Related

Passion vs. Dedication: Response to "Staying

What's More Important Hot for My Husband"
In A Relationship? In "All The Fishies"
In "All The Fishies"

Insecurities In
Relationships: It's Not
Them, It's You.
In "All The Fishies"

! All The Fishies, Relationships

FEMALE ORGASM , ORGASM ,

RELATIONSHIPS , SEX

Things to 8 Things You Should

Remember Should I Be Doing In Your
Have a Daughter Relationship: Because
Science Says So!

7 thoughts on “Female
Orgasm 101:”

Pingback: Female Orgasm 101: What every

guy should know but few do - Flight of Fantasy

Pingback: How to go down on a girl | The Wise

Sloth

global0071

MAY 16, 2015 AT 2:39 PM

simply genius !!!

REPLY