Lecture 6 Interpersonal Attraction & Love

We are social animals; we like to affiliate with other people.

1960s, Dean of Indiana University – sailed for 51 days alone across Atlantic Ocean, was alone and moody
when he reached. He wouldn’t sail again if he could. It was too much of an ordeal. 2 nd month was
excruciating – life without people was meaningless.

Study offered students of University of Columbia 50 bucks a day in a room alone without any contact
with the outside world. No one can stay longer than 8 days. One student lasted only 20 minutes.

Why are we not attracted to everyone?

Interpersonal Attraction
Part 1: Specific Factors (text pg 241-247)

A. In initial encounters: (when we first set eyes on the person)

 Proximity
 Familiarity
 Physical attractiveness

B. When getting acquainted:

 Reciprocal liking (if you like me, then i will also like you)
 Similarity
 Personality characteristics

Part 2: General Theories of Attraction

I. The Reinforcement-Affect Model

A. Rewards lead to positive affect (feelings);
Punishments lead to negative affect.

B. We will like people who reward us and dislike people who punish us.

But, that’s not all:

C. We will like/dislike people even when they don’t cause our positive/negative feelings.
 They simply have to be present when we experience positive or negative affect!
(e.g. hot rooms; bad news; unpleasant music)
Room was either at room temp/comfortable temp or uncomfortably hot. Waiting for
experiment to begin and there’s only one other person with you. What was your
impression of that person? Stranger was liked more in a room with comfortable temp.

II. Social Exchange Theories

More complex: They focus explicitly on attraction in relationships.
Relationship exists whenever people interact on a regular basis.
A. Satisfaction with a relationship depends on
1. Rewards/Benefits (what person “receives”) – approval, companionship, someone to
share your thoughts with, respect, intimacy, affection
2. Costs (what person “contributes”) – time, effort put into relationship, compromise,
suffering in times of conflict, unable to date other people

B. Rewards and Costs can be expressed in terms of a ratio: R/C – described both ways in
the text (rewards minus cost or ratio of rewards to cost)

C. When rewards equal or exceed costs, we will be satisfied with the relationship

D. When costs exceed rewards, we will be dissatisfied.

Car pool
Costs: driver cannot sleep in, driver cannot go back early and have to wait for others to end
class
Benefits: have some companion on the way to work, save time and money on public
transport, don’t have to squeeze with others on public transport

Research: Costs become important only after three months in a relationship – whether the
relationship is satisfactory.

(i) Equity Theory

a. Considers rewards and costs of both people in the relationship.
b. “Equity’ exists when one person’s ratio of rewards to costs equals the other
person’s ratio of rewards to costs.
You are in a r/s with another person.
You Your partner
R 10 = 10
C 10 10

You Your partner

R 1 = 1
C 1 1

Equitable r/s because the ratios are equal. (:

So the r/s is satisfactory.

Bought a NY newspaper from newspaper vendor. Satisfactory as the ratio of

cost and the reward of both the vendor and him is the same. He was dissatisfied
 with the r/s when he had to discuss the news with the vendor before he got the
paper.

Actual rewards don’t have to be the same. ONLY the ratio has to the same.
You Your partner
R 10 = 1
C 10 1
Your rewards and costs are not equal to the other. But this would be a satisfying
r/s because the ratio is the same. This is an equitable r/s.

c. “Inequity” exists when one person’s ratio (of rewards to costs) does not equal
the other person’s ratio.
You Your partner
R 2 ≠ 8
C 8 2
- You are “under-benefitted”
- Your partner is “over-benefitted”

d. Inequity makes the relationship unpleasant for both people:

o Under-benefitted person feels “angry”;
o Over-benefitted person feels “guilty”.
o People will not be satisfied with the relationship. It is an inequitable relationship.

e. So, people will attempt to restore equity.

How?
o Attempt to alter the actual rewards/costs is most likely to be attempted by the
under-benefitted person
o Psychologically alter the perceived rewards/costs – most likely used by the over-
benefitted person (wants to feel less guilt about the situation by concluding that
the other person is not putting that much into the r/s or that he is getting much
more out of the r/s and not appreciating it)

f. What if equity can’t be restored?

o Leave the relationship

(ii) Interdependency Theory

o Makes two novel predictions that Equity Theory doesn’t.
a. Satisfaction also depends on the ratio of rewards/costs that we expect to
receive:

b. Expectations can be based on:

o Our own experiences in prior relationships,
o What we know about others’ relationships

The “Comparision Level” (CL)

c. Different people can have different comparison levels due to different

experiences (subjective):

Persons

A B C

Current R/C 5/5 5/5 5/5

Expected R/C (CL) 5/5 5/10 10/5

Satisfied Very satisfied Not satisfied

They are each in an relationship with another person.

Does this mean that person C will leave the r/s? not necessarily.

d. Whether we leave the relationship depends on the Comparison Level of

Alternatives;
o If there is an alternative that provides a better R/C ratio, then we will leave the
relationship;
o If not, we will stay.
o Note: being in NO relationship is an “alternative” with R’s and C’s (being in the
current r/s is bad, but being in no r/s may be even worse, then you would stay
with your current r/s no matter how bad it is)

Epilogue: Francine & Mickey Hughes. A true story:

o Married in 1963.
o She was 16 and he was 18.
o Reasonably happy for first few years of marriage and had 3 children.
o Then Mickey spent income on other women and drinking - come home expecting
dinner to be done.
o Francine knew what he did outside .
o Arguments were worse when Mickey came home drunk as he would beat
Francine up.
o Francine was putting a lot into the r/s and getting very little while Mickey was
putting very little and getting a lot. Francine tried to restore the equity. She
attempted to put more into the r/s in the hope that Mickey would find it more
 rewarding and less likely to hit her. She prepared a special meal for him and out
on clothes that make her look more attractive. Mickey accused her of doing so to
attract other men.
o She tried to lower rewards – no sex, no cooking of food. Mickey could afford to
have sex outside and have money for food outside, so it doesn’t affect him.
o Francine has to watch her every deed so that Mickey would not hit her. Unable to
restore equity, she thought about leaving the r/s. But she has no job and she has
3 kids. She can only go to her mum who didn’t have extra staying place. With
help of her mum, she came to terms that it is normal for Mickey to hit her. She
didn’t have much expectations of how a married life would be like.
o Begin taking night classes. She made dinner late one day because she was late
from class and Mickey was angry and he beat her up.
o Threw all food on floor and get her to clean it up. Beat her before the children
and raped her. But she snapped. Gathered her children and left for good. Set the
bed on fire and murdered Mickey. She was not charged because she was
acquitted based on temporary insanity.
o In the end, she thought that Mickey got what he deserved. This was she got
equity.

Love

“Might as well face it you’re addicted to love” – Robert Palmer

“Love to fault is always blind, Always is to joy inclined” – William Blake

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

All Loves are not the same. To the French, it’s like being struck by a lightning bolt. To the Greek, it’s like
an arrow through your heart.

Part 1: Passionate Love

Basic characteristics:

 Sudden (“Love at first sight”)

 Uncontrollable (“head over heels in love”)
 Sexual attraction (maybe most important or not)
 Emotional dependence (i need to be with you)
 Can’t stop thinking about loved one
 Exclusiveness (“just the two of us”)
 Dwell on positive; deny what’s negative. (passionate love is blind) – hate tooth marks on pencil,
and think it is disgusting. But not hers, her tooth marks are sacred.
 Negative feelings (e.g. jealousy, heartache)
Part 2: The Triangular Theory of Love

A. The three components of love:

1. Passion: motivational or “hot” side of love;
“State of intense longing for union with the other”.
Sample items from the Love Scale:
o Just seeing this person excites me
o I find this person to be very attractive
o I frequently think about this person.
o I especially like physical contact with this person.
o There is nothing more important to me than this person.

2. Intimacy: The emotional or “warm” side of love

o Reflects feelings of warmth and closeness
o Involves sharing yourself with the person
o Giving and receiving emotional support
Sample items from the Love Scale:
- I am actively supportive of this person
- I can count on this person in times of need
- I feel that I can really trust this person
- I share deeply personal information with this person.
- I feel close to this person
- I really understand this person

3. Decision/Commitment: The cognitive or “cold” side of love

 A decision to love the person
 A commitment to maintain the relationship (“in sickness and health, till death do
us part”)
 Sample items from the love scale:
- I view my relationship with this person as a good decision
- I’m committed to maintaining this r/s.
- I cannot imagine ending my r/s with this person
- I have confidence in the stability of our r/s.

B. Components can range from strong to weak

o They can fluctuate over time (see p 257)
o Love is dynamic and constantly changing
o But all three components are essential

C. There are many different types of love (based on the different levels of passion, intimacy and
decision/commitment)
 Different types of love:
Passion Intimacy D/C
Passionate (Infatuation) High Low Low
Romantic High High Low
Liking (e.g. good friends) Low High Low
Companionate (e.g. best friend) Low High High
Fatuous (e.g. lightning marriage) High Low High
Empty love (feel obligated to be tgt) Low Low High
Consummate High High High
Non- love Low Low Low

D. What type of love are you experiencing?

The Love Scale can be found in DBW Library: Sternberg, R. J. (1998). Cupid’s arrow. (see Ch. 4)
 What type of love do you think your partner is experiencing? Is it the same as yours?
 Does your partner view things the same way? Should you ask?

Part 3: Romantic Love as Attachment (text pg 254-257)