ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

There are three basic interpersonal styles that we can use when
interacting with people. These are: passive, aggressive and assertive. The
relationship between these three interpersonal interaction styles is
demonstrated in the figure below. Take a look at the continuum graph.
Did you think that behaving assertively would actually be at the extreme
right-end of this spectrum rather than in the middle?

PASSIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE

Many people believe that assertiveness is an interaction style in which

you try to get your way all the time at the expense of other peoples’
rights, opinions, and feelings. It is important that you start to realize that
this type of behavior is aggressive rather than assertive.
THE PASSIVE INTERACTION STYLE
At the extreme left of the continuum is passive behavior. Passive people
value themselves less than others. They feel that their rights, opinions,
and feelings are unimportant, and consequently their needs are rarely
met. If you consistently behave passively, chances are you may not feel
good about yourself. Consequently, you may have developed negative
beliefs about yourself (e.g. “I’ll never be able to do this”, or “I’m such a
loser”) and negative beliefs about other people (e.g. “He/she doesn’t
care about me” or “People always screw with me”).
Let’s take a look at some of the negative consequences of behaving
passively all the time. If you don’t voice your needs, chances are they will

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never be met. Besides feeling bad about this, you may feel guilty since
you never communicate your needs. You may feel taken advantage of
since others may make decisions for you, even if you do not agree with
them. Another possibility is that you may feel exploited by others since
they may push extra demands on you. Some people develop a passive-
aggressive interaction style to deal with their lack of assertiveness. For
example, they may try to manipulate others, or display anger to get a
specific need met. However, in the long run, passive-aggressiveness is
not productive since people will not trust you or want to be around you.
This could reinforce any negative beliefs you have about yourself or
others. Another consequence of being passive is that you might
eventually become angry and ‘blow up’ if your needs are not met. In the
long run, others may prefer not to be around you or you might feel guilty
if you expressed anger at a loved one. A final consequence of behaving
passively is that you may resent other people because they continually
place extra demands on you, which you cannot meet. These extra
demands might make you feel stressed, which could adversely impact
your health in the long run (e.g. increased blood pressure requiring
medication). Are there any other negative consequences that you can
think of that I did not mention? If so, I’d be interested in discussing them
with you. The important point to retain from this section is that if you
behave passively most of the time, you are less likely to achieve your
goals. If you have been using this interaction style consistently
throughout your life, has it worked for you? In addition, consider how it
makes you feel about yourself and other people. Consider completing a
Cost Benefit Analysis Worksheet of using the passive interaction style. A
final important point to realize is that you cannot expect others to
implicitly know what you think, feel, and need unless you express it; this
type of behavior is assertive.

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THE AGGRESSIVE INTERACTION STYLE
At the opposite end of the interpersonal continuum is aggressive
behavior. This is an interaction style whereby you trample on the rights,
needs, and feelings of others and do not respect them. Aggressive people
value themselves more than others and hold other people in low esteem.
Let’s take a look at the consequences of behaving aggressively. Chances
are that the majority of interactions with other people are explosive and
confrontational. Although being aggressive may help you attain your
goals in the short run, chances are you will alienate people in the long
run, which will prevent you from eventually attaining your needs. Some
other negative consequences include the possibility that you will feel
stressed since you have to continually be defensive and ‘on guard’; how
does it feel to be stressed all the time? You may feel guilty if you have
been aggressive towards another person, especially if it is a loved one.
Finally, you may have bad feelings about yourself since you consistently
humiliate and demean other people. Are there any other negative
consequences that you can think of that I did not mention? If so, I’d be
interested in discussing them with you.
The important point to retain from this section is that behaving
aggressively will help you attain your goals for a short period of time
only. Ask yourself whether in the long run this type of behavior will help
you obtain what you want. If you have been using this interaction style,
has it worked for you and how does it make you feel?
THE ASSERTIVE INTERACTION STYLE
Assertiveness is the balanced way to act (the middle of the continuum).
Assertiveness is both an attitude and a set of acquired skills. It is the
attitude that you are worth what others are worth, as well as a set of
skills to implement the attitude. At its core, assertiveness means that you

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simply express your opinions, needs, and feelings. Behaving assertively
means that you have the following rights:
• to say “I don’t know”;
• to say “No”;
• to have an opinion and express it;
• to have feelings and express them;
• to make your own decisions and deal with their consequences;
• to change your mind;
• to choose how to spend your time;
• to make mistakes and;
• is there anything else you would like to add to the list (e.g. my right to
free time)? If so, do it!
Assertiveness involves a degree of reciprocity between ourselves and
other people. This means that our opinions, needs, and feelings are no
less nor more important than those of others. It is also important to
understand that acting assertively means that you value people even if
you do not agree with them. When we act assertively, interactions are
expressive and collaborative and you end up feeling self-confident and
satisfied since your opinions, needs, and feelings and those of the other
person are respected. Assertiveness also helps us solve problems since
the needs of both parties are taken into account. In addition,
assertiveness makes us flexible.
HOW TO BECOME ASSERTIVE: A PROCESS FOR CHANGE
Learning to become assertive is challenging. With practice and
perseverance, it will pay off. Consider writing down the costs and
benefits of becoming assertive (use the preceding material to help you
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out). Here are some helpful hints to help get you on your way to
becoming assertive:
1. Make sure to start with situations or people with whom it would
be easier to become assertive with. Increase the level of difficulty
when you have had some success and your confidence has
increased. The toolkit on Exposure Therapy will be useful here.
2. Focus on becoming assertive in one area (e.g. work or home) or
with one person (e.g. boss or wife). Don’t try to become assertive
in all aspects of your life at once. Think of the analogy of climbing a
ladder. You want to climb one rung at a time and not try to reach
for the top rung right away.
3. Complete a Thought Record to objectively re-appraise any negative
thought(s) that are bothering you and preventing you from
becoming more assertive.
4. Be aware that some situations will be more difficult, or that you will
not be as successful as you wanted. If it didn’t go well, learn from
it and then forget it, that is “Bury the judge within you!”
5. Try to use the unselfish “I” as much as possible. Avoid “You”
statements, which will only make the other person defensive.
Avoid put-downs and threats – again, the other person will
probably feel defensive. Take a quick look at the Developing
Effective Communication Skills toolkit.
6. Know what you want, what you need, and what your feelings are
about a situation. Stick to the important point. Express your
request in one or two clear and easy to understand sentences. A
group of weak arguments or statements do not add up to one good
one. If anything this may confuse your message. Use the following
analogy: You want a tight sealed water bucket and not a leaky one.
7. There is no one right way to be assertive. It depends on the
situation, the person, and what you want.

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 8. Be aware of your non-verbal behavior. Look in the person’s eye, but
do not stare (aggressive!) or look down and away from the person
(passive!). Maintain an assertive body posture: hold yourself up
straight and don’t stand far away (passive!) or too close
(aggressive!). Try to maintain a clear tone in your voice, don’t
whine or be apologetic (passive!) or be loud and abusive
(aggressive!). Use gestures and facial expression for emphasis if
necessary. If you like, you could try these out in a mirror. For
example, practice being passive, aggressive, and then assertive in
the mirror so you can get feedback on your non-verbal behavior.
USEFUL TECHNIQUES TO HELP YOU BECOME MORE ASSERTIVE
Here is a list of what I will call ‘techniques’ that you can use to become
assertive. These are more applicable in situations that are more
conflictual, but can be used anytime. In the next section, I’ll go over
specific situations in which these techniques can be used. Note that the
purpose of these techniques is not to memorize them and become an
‘assertive techniques expert’, but to show you how you can become
more assertive.
1. Broken Record: Simply keep repeating what you have said and
include slight variations if you like. For example, “Yes, I know, but,
like I just said …”, then, “No. I really can’t”.
2. Content-To-Process Shift: If you stray from the topic, you need to
get back on track. For example, “We’ve drifted away from our
discussion, which is that … Let’s focus back on that topic”.
3. Defusing: Try to de-escalate the situation if tension is rising. For
example, “I can see that you’re upset, and I’m also getting angry.
Let’s delay this … “.
4. Assertiveness Agreement: “You’re right. I botched it. I’ll try again”.

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 5. Clouding: Make it seem like you agree. For example, “If I were late
as often as you say, it would certainly be a problem”.
6. Assertive Inquiry: Simply ask for clarification. For example, “I can
see you’re upset. What is it about my behavior that made you
angry?”
7. Assertive Empathy: Validate how the other person is feeling. For
example, “I know that this is unpleasant for you but I really think
you should do it”.
8. Self-Disclosure: Disclose information about how you feel. For
example, “I’m embarrassed to admit this but … “.
9. Cutting The Sound: If leaving is impossible, let the other talk
without paying attention.
APPLYING THE TECHNIQUES TO SPECIFIC SITUATIONS
Here are a few situations that people find particularly hard and how
some of the techniques above can be applied.
Responding to criticism: If you are labeled or criticized (e.g. “You always
make no sense when you talk”), you could reply with the ‘assertiveness
agreement’. For example, “Sometimes some of the things I say may not
make sense”. Another option is to use ‘clouding’. For example, “It’s true
that if I never made sense it would be difficult to understand what I say".
If you are criticized for a specific behavior and the other person is right,
you can agree with the critic and apologize. For example, if the person
says, “You’re always late” you could reply with, "Sorry I am late. I’ll try to
be early next time”. Another alternative is to ask for clarification
(assertive inquiry). If someone states, “You’re so disorganized” you could
reply with, “What makes you say that?” or “What would you like me to
do different?”
Making a complaint: 1) Arrange or choose a convenient time and place
to discuss the problem; 2) Define the problem situation as clearly as
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possible – be specific (name the problem, be clear and brief, and do not
judge the other person’s intent); 3) State your opinions or feelings. Stick
to your own feeling and opinions (i.e. self-disclosure) and don’t
exaggerate. Do not use “You” to try to blame or shame the other person.
Use the unselfish “I”; 4) Specify what you want. Be specific and outline
each request one at a time (make sure you don’t go overboard) and the
request should be possible and reasonable. Here is an example: “Our
meeting has started late the past three times and we finish after work
hours (the problem is specified). I’d like to finish on time and get home
and see my family (self-disclosure). Could you be on time? Or if you
prefer, we could reschedule or meetings earlier in the day if you are busy
at this time (specifying what you want). What do you think (assertive
inquiry)?”
Saying No: One option is to make it clear you liked being asked, “Thanks
for asking me, but it is not possible” or “I’m pleased you asked, but I
cannot”. You could acknowledge the other person’s needs (assertive
inquiry or assertive empathy): “I know this is important and it bothers
you”. You can give a clear reason for why you are saying no. For example,
“I have too much work” or “I already made a commitment”. You can
make a suggestion to help resolve their difficulty: “Maybe you could do
it tomorrow”. If the person keeps requesting over and over, use the
‘broken record’: “Like I said, I have no time”, then, “I’m too busy”, then,
“Maybe next time”. If they still continue, use ‘cutting the sound’.