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Content
What are shame and guilt?
How do others play on your feelings of shame and guilt?
What can shame and guilt do to you?
Irrational thinking involved in shame and guilt feelings
Steps to overcome shame and guilt

What are shame and guilt?

Shame and guilt are the:
* Feelings of embarrassment, blame and responsibility for negative
circumstances that have befallen yourself or others.
* Feelings of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present.
* Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings or attitudes that were or are
negative, uncomplimentary or non-accepting concerning yourself or others.
* Feelings of obligation for not pleasing, not helping or not placating another.
* Feelings of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a
situation in the "correct way.''
* Feelings of loss for not having done or said something to someone who is no
longer available to you.
* Accepting of responsibility for someone else's misfortune or problem
because it bothers you to see that person suffer.
* Motivators to amend all real or perceived wrongs.
* Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a
"wrong'' course of action.
* Driving forces or masks behind which irrational beliefs hide.

How do others play on your feelings of shame and guilt?

People can and sometimes will:
* Make you believe they will suffer greatly if you do not respond positively to
their requests.
* Call on your shame and guilt to respond to their requests, even when it
means violating your rights.
* Respond to your irrational self by reinforcing your irrational thinking, giving
you a sense of blame for past, present or future actions.
* Build up a verbal or imagined scenario that portrays you at fault for inaction,
thus guaranteeing your sense of shame and guilt and your willingness to do
anything to alleviate it.
* Accuse you of misdeeds, words or actions to arouse your sense of shame and
guilt and make you believe you are the one with a problem in an interpersonal
relationship difficulty. (This effectively takes the pressure off them.)
* Reinforce your negative self-perceptions, encouraging you to be shame
ridden, guilt ridden and self-judgmental for their benefit.
* Build a case with moral absolutes to convince you of the "right way'' to do
things, avoiding that negative feeling of shame and guilt for themselves.
* Set up situations for you in which you will believe your alternatives are
limited to that which results in the least sense of shame and guilt.
* Feign or fake hardship, illness, discomfort, unhappiness, incompetence or
other negative behavior to arouse your sense of shame and guilt and have you
take over those tasks or duties, bringing imagined negative consequences
with them.
* Threaten negative consequences, like going to jail, to the hospital, to the
juvenile detention center, failing school, dying or divorce. This manipulation
uses your shame and guilt to benefit them.

What can shame and guilt do to you?

Shame and guilt can lead you to become:
Over-responsible. You strive to make life "right.'' You overwork. You over-give
of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone
happy.
Over-conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible
negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your
needs and wants.
Over-sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of
your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal
actions, words and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where
any implication of your wrongdoing is intimated.
Immobilized. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying
or being "wrong'' that you eventually collapse, give in and choose inactivity,
silence and the status quo.
Poor decision maker. It is so important to always be "right'' in your decisions
that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.
Hidden by the mask of self-denial. Because it is less shame and guilt inducing
to take care of others first instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of
self-denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that
"shame'' and "guilt'' are the motivators for such "generous'' behavior.
Pulled in. You ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you.
Overcome by shame and guilt or the fear of them, you can become emotionally
blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life
nor experience the negative aspects.
Motivated to change. Because you feel shame and guilt and the discomfort
they bring, you can use them as a barometer of the need to change things in
your life and rid yourself of the shame and guilt.
Hidden by mask of negative self-belief. You may actually have self-esteem, but
claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of shame and
guilt you experience.
Irrational. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind shame and guilt, you
may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with
yourself when you are experiencing shame and guilt; be sure that your
decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.

Irrational thinking involved in shame and guilt feelings:

* I was responsible for the bad things that happened to me in my childhood.
* How can I face others with what happened to me?
* I am an awful person for that to have happened to me.
* I must have asked for what I got in the past.
* I am a bad person for what happened to me in the past.
* I can never tell others what happened to me in my past.
* I do not deserve to be happy.
* I am responsible for my family's (spouse's) happiness.
* There is only one "right'' way to do things.
* It's bad to feel hurt and pain.
* My children should never suffer in their childhood like I did in mine.
* My kids should have more material things than I did.
* It is my fault if others in my life are not happy.
* If my kids fail in any way, it's my responsibility.
* It is wrong to be concerned about myself.
* People are constantly judging me, and their judgment is important to me.
* It is important to save face with others.
* It is wrong to accept the negative aspects of my life without believing that I
am responsible for them myself.
* I am responsible if either positive or negative events happen to the members
of my family.
* I must not enjoy myself during a time when others expect me to be in
mourning, grief or loss.
* I must never let down my guard; something I'm doing could be evil or
wrong.
* I must always be responsible, conscientious and giving to others.
* How others perceive me is important as to how I perceive myself.
* No matter what I do, I am always wrong.
* I should never feel shame and guilt.
* If you feel shame and guilt, then you must be or have been wrong.

Steps to overcome shame and guilt

Step 1: In order to overcome shame and guilt, it is important to first attack

them at their root causes.
Shame and guilt stem from a set of fears, beliefs or behaviors which have been
discussed in the Tools for Coping Series. What follows is a separate listing for
both shame and guilt of the factors which contribute to them. By working on
each factor directly using the referenced section on this website, you will be
able to overcome its impact on shame and guilt in your life. Just click on each
factor to get to the relevant unit on this site.
The root causes of shame are:
* Irrational beliefs
* Lack of trust in self or others
* Insecurity
* Vulnerability
* Pulling-in behaviors
* Denial of past hurts
* Despair over past hurts
* Inability to let go of the past
* Fear of rejection
* Victimization
* Depression
* Silent withdrawal of anger
* Overcontrol of emotion
* Idealism
* Sense of powerlessness .
* Sense of helplessness
* Need to survive
The root causes of guilt are:
* Irrational beliefs
* Sense of over-responsibility
* People-pleasing behaviors
* Rescuing behaviors
* Enabling behaviors
* Insecurity
* Perfectionism
* Pride
* Lack of a healthy spirituality
* Fear of conflict
* Lack of assertiveness
* Martyrdom syndrome
* Pessimism
* Resentment
* Blocked anger
* Self-destructive behaviors
* Inability to express anger in a healthy way
* Feeling intimidated by others
* Addictive need to fix and take care of others
* Over-dependence on others
* Manipulation by others
* Feelings of loss of personal control
You can thoroughly address the root causal factors of shame and guilt in your
life by utilizing the "Steps to handling'' sections of each of the above units.
Shame and guilt are often blocks to "growing down'' because they play a role
in blurring your memories and constricting your feelings. Use Steps 2 through
6 to deal with each past unpleasant childhood or adult life problem about
which you have shame and guilt.

Step 2: You can recognize the role shame and guilt play in blocking the
memories of your past life by choosing a current problem stemming from
your childhood and answering the following questions in your journal:
1. Name a problem from your childhood or adulthood which troubles you
because of the shame and/or guilt you feel.
2. Who is responsible for the problem?
3. Whose problem is it, really?
4. What did you do to make this problem worse for yourself?
5. How much shame and guilt do you feel about this problem?
6. How much does the shame and guilt you experience exaggerate or
exacerbate your problem?
7. If you felt no more shame or guilt, what would your problem look like then?
Step 3: Redefine your problem with the absence of shame and guilt as an
issue.
In answering the questions in Step 2, you recognized that shame and guilt
were preventing resolution of the problem. To redefine your problem, answer
the following questions in your journal:
1. How insurmountable is this problem from your childhood?
2. Is this problem interpersonal or intrapersonal? If it is interpersonal: Can
you help the other person and yourself to set aside shame and guilt and
resolve this problem? If it is intrapersonal, can you set aside shame and guilt
or the fear of it and resolve this problem?
3. Does this problem have more than one solution? Can others and yourself
experience satisfaction, comfort and resolution with a minimum of
debilitating shame and guilt?
4. Whose problem is it, really? Is it your problem or another's? Are you taking
on another's responsibility? Are you trying to keep another from experiencing
pain, hardship or discomfort?

Step 4: If the problem from your past is really someone else's, give the
problem back to the person(s). You do this by handing the problem over to
your Higher Power using Letting Go of Uncontrollables and Unchangeables in
Tools for Handling Control Issues.
If the problem is yours from your past, go to Step 5.

Step 5: You must confront the real or imagined shame and guilt or fear of
shame and guilt preventing you from handling the problem on your own. In
your journal consider the following.
A. What fears are blocking you at this moment from taking the steps you need
to resolve this problem from your past?
B. What are the irrational beliefs behind these fears?
C. Refute the irrational beliefs using the steps given in Handling Irrational
Beliefs in Tools for Personal Growth.
D. Initiate a program of self-affirmation as presented in Self-Affirmations.
E. For the next 30 days, use an imagery scenario in which you visualize shame
and guilt as an object you packaged in a box. It is brought to a mountain top
and thrown off a cliff for good.
Affirm for yourself:
* I deserve to solve this problem from my past.
* I deserve to be good to myself
* I deserve to have others be good to me, too!
G . Re-parent your inner child with statements that:
* As a child you deserved to be loved and cared for.
* You were an innocent child who deserved to be treated better than you
were.
* You deserved parents who were able to give you healthy parenting with
reasonable and rational guidance, discipline and advice.
* There is no need to feel shame and guilt over what happened to you because
as a child you did the best you could knowing what you did at the time and as
an adult you are an imperfect human being subject to making mistakes.
* You are a great kid with hope for the future and you trust yourself to give
you what you need to succeed in life.
* You are re-parenting that hurt child inside of you so that you can go on
healed and ready to face the challenges of the rest of your life.

Step 6: If after 30 days of consistent work on these steps your shame and guilt
on this problem is not resolved, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Step 7: For each problem in your past life for which you feel shame and guilt,
use Steps 2-6 until you have exhausted all the shame and guilt you have over
your past life. If your inner child is still unhealed due to shame and guilt after
6 months, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Last updated on: 11/18/09
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