Using Creativity and Grief To Empower My Teaching Evelyn Payne ELED 622 12/4/17
Using Creativity and Grief To Empower My Teaching Evelyn Payne ELED 622 12/4/17
Using Creativity and Grief To Empower My Teaching Evelyn Payne ELED 622 12/4/17
Evelyn Payne
ELED 622
12/4/17
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 1
classroom community
Title:
Introduction:
Bochner, the word autoethnography can be broken down into two words. Those two words are
themselves. It’s all about recalling past experiences and lives events. However, an autobiography
should have storytelling elements that are engaging and evocative so that they appeal to readers.
An ethnography is a scientific description of the customs of individual people and their cultures.
It is a thick description of a culture that should help both insiders of that culture and outsiders
better understand a specific culture. When put together, an autoethnography is an in-depth study
on one’s life and culture, and how those aspects have shaped their experiences and viewpoints
(Ellis, Adams & Bochner, 2011). There are multiple purposes of an autoethnography. One
purpose, which resonates with my overall goal of this paper, is that sharing our own experiences
can contribute positively to the history and the world around us. Autoethnographies can be a
powerful outlet for people to share their life stories, to connect with readers and subjects being
studied, and to help people live more meaningful lives (Allen, 2015). These research papers can
be a window into ones’ life to better understand why they experiences things and live their lives
the way that they do, and how they can be mindful of that in order to grow as a human being. I
also believe that since autoethnographies rely on storytelling, they are a powerful tool for people
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 2
to relate to one another and grow. The purpose of this journey was to reflect on my life in order
The overall purpose of congruence is that what you say and do reflects who you are as a
person and the values you believe in. People that are in congruence are in complete balance,
professionally and personally. I think that is easier to be the ideal teacher if we are in
congruence. Completing this autoethnography has helped me reveal the important values I have
as a person, how my past has influenced these values, and how I project these values based on
my interactions with others. Addressing my past helps me to be a more authentic person, and be
aware of how I interacted with my students. Congruence will help me to be the best teacher
The ideal teacher to me is relatable. He/she is approachable to all students and students
feel comfortable coming to them for feedback and advice. The ideal teacher is also creative.
They can create hands on engaging lessons that get students excited to learn. The ideal teacher is
an ally for their students. They stand up for their students’ rights and give them a voice when
they need to be heard. Finally, the ideal teacher is passionate about their job. They feel
compelled and excited to do their job, and because of that they love what they do. All of these
qualities together make up the ideal teacher to me, and also relate to the Existentialism
philosophy in education. Teachers need to be creative in order to help students have genuine
learning experiences. They should also model the correct way for students to confront differing
viewpoints so that they themselves understand how to do that, and also feel more welcome to
share their ideas in the classroom. I think that children learn best when they are in an
environment that reflects their personal interests and views. They need to feel safe in order to
learn. Children should walk into a classroom and feel welcomed, like they can approach their
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 3
teachers or other administration members and open up to them about their thoughts or worries. It
is the role of the teacher to set up an inclusive classroom community. I think that this ties in the
Existentialism philosophy in education with tying in student interest into the classroom and
letting them have individual choice. Students who have more say in the classroom and see their
lives reflected there will feel more comfortable and safe in the classroom environment.
Existentialism. This philosophy stresses the importance of the individual and emotional
Existentialists believe that people are born and define themselves through their choices in life.
Well known existentialists include Jean Paul Sartre, Soren Kierkegaard, Martin Heidegger,
Gabriel Marcel, Albert Camus, Carl Rogers, A.S. Neill, and Maxine Greene. After doing some
research on Existentialism, I have pulled out five main points of this philosophy in the
classroom. The first point is that this philosophy believes in individual choice and standards. I do
agree that students should have a huge responsibility in planning out their own curriculum and
taking control of their own learning. Another point I found was that learners should confront
different viewpoints. Students should realize that other people may have different views than
them, and that’s okay. It is an important life skill for them to learn how to express their views in
a constructive manner but also how to listen to the views of others in a nonjudgmental way. A
third point I learned during research is that lessons should be differentiated towards students’
interest and readiness. I learned a lot about differentiation this past semester and its importance
in the classroom. I think this ties into individual choice which was mentioned above. Teachers
should differentiate their lessons based on student interest and readiness for the curriculum. A
fourth belief of existentialism in the classroom is that students are allowed to examine life
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 4
through genuine learning experiences. To me, this means going out into the community and
making sense of the world around them in hands on ways. As a future teacher, it is a huge goal of
mine to create plenty of hands on lessons that engage students and lets them learn about their
community. The fifth and final point is that students have many opportunities for self-direction.
This point seemed vaguer than the others, but I interpreted it to again mean that students can pick
their curriculum. Allowing students to make these decisions now, will help them to become
better decision makers in the future. After conducting this research, I can see that I really do have
Methods:
There were many different methods used to develop this autoethnography. One of the
most used methods was reflective prompts. I wrote about common childhood phrases my family
used, family artifacts that have been important symbols throughout my life, and inspirational
people that have shaped me into the person I am today. Another method used was a timeline of
all the important events in my life from birth leading up until now. The events in the timeline
were then divided up into common themes. I also completed a genogram, which is an in-depth
family tree highlighting relationships among people, different generations, and theme across
those generations. Another method used was Johari’s Window. This method revealed to us the
differences in how we view ourselves versus how other people view us. Journaling in the
classroom was also completed throughout the autoethnography process in order to track our
themes in action in the classroom. The final method conducted to complete this autoethnography
was two interviews; one with a classroom teacher I am currently working with and the other with
another fourth grade teacher at a local elementary school. I asked a series of questions that asked
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 5
the teachers to consider how they, and the school as a whole, address grief and creativity in the
classroom.
Results/Discussion:
The first major theme I noticed in my family, which also happens to be a personality trait
I really value is creativity. I knew that I came from a creative immediate family of artists and
film makers, but the extent of this theme did no resonate with me until I completed the genogram
assignment. I also did not realize how this theme shaped me into the person I am today until I
in my everyday life, and it has very much shaped my values and ideas as a teacher.
throughout my family really worried me. It seemed like an overwhelming task and I couldn’t
even think of one theme to sum up my family, much less eight. Creating both genograms was
time consuming but also interesting. I realized that I hadn’t really thought about our family tree
since my cousins had started having families of their own. Upon completing this project, I
recognized eight themes that have been apparent across three generations. The theme that popped
movies, musicians, or singers. Both of my grandmothers were artists and loved to paint. My
parents actually met art school at VCU. They started their own company and are both graphic
artists. My brother also went to VCU, but he majored in cinema and now works on TV shows,
commercials, and movies. I consider myself artistically inclined because I love to craft,
specifically I love to paint canvases. My aunt and uncle on my mom’s side of the family both
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 6
play instruments and met at a school where they majored in music. Another one of my aunts on
my mom’s side of the family is a great singer and she was very involved in theater in school.
Finally, my cousin Kelsey is really good at sketching. She creates doodles of cats, which she
sells at her local farmer’s market. I knew that my immediate family was very creative, but I
didn’t realize how far this theme extended throughout my entire family tree. I love that I come
from a creative family and I grew up appreciating art and music. I also recognized that the people
in my family that are artistically inclined and creative are also the people I look up to the most
The most influential people in my life have been both of my parents and my
grandmother. My parents have been the two most inspirational people in my life. I am blessed to
be able to say that I come from a loving, supportive, and open minded home. My parents gave up
everything for my older brother and I. Shortly after my brother was born, my parents decided to
quit their jobs and start their own graphic design company together. They did this so that they
would be home every day my brother and I left school, and they were. They have always fought
for me and supported my life decisions. They’ve raised me into the creative and outspoken
young woman that I am today. Phillip Payne has inspired me to never doubt my creative abilities.
I was always the student with the best projects thanks to him. He’s spent so many hours with me
building pyramids, painting posters, and making the most ridiculous creations I imagine in my
head. I still call him to this day to get art advice and inspiration. He is one of the strongest people
I have ever met. He built his own business from the ground up, and has faced the death of his
entire family. I want nothing more than to make my father proud of me. He inspires me every
day with his strength and creativity. Because I was raised by a family of artists, a lot of the
artifacts I wrote about that are significant to me were handmade by the people in my family.
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 7
I grew up in a home where the walls were covered in paintings created by my loved ones.
For the significant artifacts assignment, the majority of my objects were handmade. Both of my
grandmothers made gorgeous handmade Christmas ornaments throughout their lives, and have
passed them down to my family. Every Christmas we make a big deal of being together as a
family and hanging up each of the ornaments on our tree. It’s like the two sides of our family
coming together, and further extends that creativity theme of my family. The second most
important object in my life is a brown blanket that my grandmother made for my dad when he
was younger. She made each of us blankets, but for some reason I latched onto this one. In the
fifth grade, I became very ill and spent two weeks in my bed not able to move or do anything for
myself. During that scary time, my father let me use his blanket. Even after I was diagnosed and
recovered, I have kept the blanket since I became so attached to it. I take it with me anytime I go
anywhere and I could not leave for college without it. My family has always valued creativity,
and there are lots of artistic people on both my mother and father’s side. This blanket symbolizes
that value we place on creativity since my grandmother made it with her own hands. This artifact
has helped me focus on the creativity that flows throughout my family, which ended up being a
I knew that creativity was always a part of my life, but I didn’t realize how it had shaped
me into the person I am today. My self-reflection revealed many things about me personally.
Because I come from a creative home, I have always felt comfortable expressing my views and
ideas however I wanted. I think this definitely shaped my personality type, which I go more into
detail later on in my autoethnography. I have never associated any specific culture or country
with my family. I always assumed that meant I came from a family with no culture, which is why
I was nervous about the methods of self-reflection that required me to determine the themes in
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 8
my life. After completing and studying my genogram, I realized that my family’s culture is all
about creating the life that works for us. My immediate family and I have taken common themes
from my mom’s side of the family and my dad’s side of the family, and combined them to create
the life that works best for us. We have always been about creating our own traditions at
holidays, starting to pass on new family treasures, and forming our unique family rituals. These
The realization of this theme has also shaped me professionally. As I mentioned above in
the introduction, the ideal teacher to me is creative. They can create hands on engaging lessons
that get students excited to learn. I want to fit in art into almost all of my lessons for my students
so that can express their ideas and thoughts when possible. I want to create an open classroom
environment that encourages students to feel free to explain their ideas and to use art to interpret
what they are learning how they see fit, much like I had the opportunity to do that home in my
family. I also feel like the ideal teacher is passionate about their job. They feel compelled and
excited to do their job, and because of that they love what they do. In order to stay passionate
about teaching, I need to be creative. I need to implement creative lessons that keep me inspired
The second theme I noticed was how the experience of death and loss has profoundly
affected my family. My dad’s side of the family has all died. It wasn’t a sudden event, and it
took place over many years, but I did not realize the effect it has had on my family until I began
this self-reflection process. I have lost both of my mother’s parents by the beginning of high
school. Looking at my timeline specifically is what had shown me that death has been a common
theme throughout my life. But it was assignments like the genogram and the inspirational people,
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 9
significant artifacts, and common phrases that hit home on just how this has shaped my family
Before starting this timeline, I tried to think about overall themes of my life. It definitely
seemed like an overwhelming task and I could not picture any themes in my head. There were
years that I struggled with not remembering any key events or experiences, but overall I think I
have highlighted the most important aspects of my life. I began by typing out every single year I
have lived. I then went back and wrote about any monumental events that happened that year and
color coded them based on their overall concept. I began to see an immediate pattern in my life
that I had not noticed before. From the beginning of my life, up until the end of high school, I
had experienced a lot of death. By my senior year, I had lost all of my grandparents and every
member of my dad’s side of the family. That theme has tapered off during the past few years.
However, I do think this theme has affected me as a person and changed our entire family
dynamic. This initial assignment helped me to recognize this theme, but it wasn’t until the
inspirational people paper that I was able to dive deeper into this theme’s effect on me.
For the inspirational people paper, we had to write about five individuals who have
inspired us throughout our lives. Immediately, two people stood out to me and I knew I had to
write about them. These two people were my grandmother Sue Sue and my Aunt Lisa, both of
which were on my dad’s side of the family. My grandmother Sue Sue was bold, outspoken,
sassy, opinionated, and artistic. She made a chicken pot pie that would put all others to shame.
Living right off the campus of Emory and Henry on a tall hill, she was always the life of the
party and would host lots of gatherings. Every summer as kids, my brother and I would spend at
least two weeks at my grandmother’s house. We would zoom around campus in her golf cart and
play outside in her garden. The smell of gasoline and fresh cut grass still brings back memories
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 10
of Emory. She was a teacher, and a huge inspiration for me to be one as well. In the fall of 2012,
she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Her first chemo treatment killed her on my 18th
birthday. My dad rushed off after I opened presents to be with her in the hospital. That night, I
couldn’t open her card, but I opened up her present to me which was a small silver bracelet
engraved with, “Love you, Joe”. Her husband got it for her as a birthday present, and he died
before I was born. Since then, I have read the card. In it she wrote how proud of me she was and
how I reminded her of my Aunt Lisa. Since then, I have had the engraving from the bracelet
tattooed in my grandfather’s handwriting on my wrist. That silver bracelet has been with me
through high school and college graduation and it traveled with me all throughout my study
abroad experience. Losing Sue Sue has been the single most painful experience of my life. Every
time I step into the classroom, every time I graduate, and every time I take an ELED class I do it
for her. Whenever I work on my teaching career, I think of how I want to make her proud.
Though she has passed on, Sue Sue will always be an inspiration to me; an inspiration to be a
strong woman and an amazing teacher. My Aunt Lisa died of a rare form of cancer in 2007. I do
not remember a whole lot about her, but I distinctly remember getting the phone call from my
dad that she had passed away. I remember her and my grandmother fighting in the kitchen about
dinner. I remember her being patient and kind. My Aunt Lisa was a chemistry professor at
Trinity College in Connecticut. A huge reason I decided to become a teacher was through her
influence. A lot of the people on my dad’s side of the family were teachers, and I am proud to
follow in their footsteps. She has been an inspiration to me to be the best teacher that I possibly
can, and to be an overall kind and caring human being. It was from this assignment that I began
to understand the deep pull I felt towards my father’s side of the family. I further explored this
The directions for the significant artifacts reflection were to write about five objects that
define us and our families, and that would be the first things we were to grab if our home caught
on fire. I quickly realized that almost all of my important artifacts came from my father’s side of
18th birthday, which is also the night she died. The bracelet is engraved with, “Love you, Joe”.
My grandfather got the bracelet for my grandmother in Williamsburg, Virginia where they
worked as reenactors and dancers. Joe gave it to Sue Sue as a birthday present, and she ended up
passing it down to me as a birthday gift as well. This bracelet means the world to me and I wear
it every single day. I wore it during high school graduation, during college graduation, and all
throughout my study abroad experience. To me, this bracelet not only symbolizes the love that
my grandparents had for each other that I never got the chance to see, but also the love and bond
that my grandparents have with me. Since my grandfather did not have Sue Sue’s name engraved
on the bracelet, it feels like he is telling me that he loves me as well even though we never met.
My hope is that one day I can pass the bracelet onto my daughter, or my brother’s daughter. I
have never associated any specific culture or country with my family and the way we live our
lives. I have realized that my family’s culture and identity is grounded in the idea that we make
our own traditions. The passing down of this silver bracelet to the women in our family
symbolizes this. This is a handwritten letter my grandmother wrote to me, and it accompanied
the silver bracelet mentioned above. I was in too much pain to read the letter at first, but it now
sits on my vanity in my room at home and I read it whenever I miss my grandmother or need
encouragement. In it, she wrote about how she is proud of the woman I have become and how I
remind her of my Aunt Lisa. That comment means so much to me because both my grandmother
and my Aunt Lisa were teachers. They are both huge inspirations for me to become a teacher as
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 12
well, and I always hope that they look down on me and smile when they see how hard I have
worked to become the best teacher possible. This artifact symbolizes the teaching theme that
extends throughout my entire family. The brown blanket that was mentioned during the
creativity theme was handmade by my grandmother and it is yet another significant in my life
from my father’s side of the family. During the self-reflection process, I realized that the theme
of death and loss only drew me closer to my father’s family. Not only did I value them as people
and the heirlooms they passed down to me, I discovered that I emulate a lot of the traits I
The overall purpose of the Johari’s Window assignment was to determine and compare
how we think we see ourselves and present ourselves with how others view us. I noticed a wide
range of answers, but also common responses from people that I would consider closest to me.
The qualities I picked for myself were accepting, bold, confident, self-assertive, spontaneous and
witty. It just so happens that after having sixteen friends, family, and peers respond; at least one
person picked each of those traits to describe me as well. This would be my area of alignment,
what both the outside world see in me and what I see in me. I think it says a lot about me and my
character that the people in my life described me in the same words I used to describe myself. I
always try to be very upfront and honest about who I am. When comparing this assignment with
the others and attempting to synthesis all of the information, I came to the conclusion that I am
bold and self-assertive because those were the traits I admired most in my grandmother. She did
not pass away until I was a senior in high school, so I was blessed with the opportunity to get to
form a deeper bond with her than any of my other grandparents. I am told that I act just like her,
and while I don’t believe that is always intended as a compliment, I feel pride whenever I hear it.
Determining how this theme of death and loss affected me personally occurred pretty quickly,
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 13
but figuring out how it has affected my entire immediate family called for deeper self-reflection
A genogram is a family tree that highlights themes throughout an entire family as well as
the relationships between family members. Upon completing this assignment I recognized that
my immediate family definitely favors more themes from my father’s side of the family, such as
creativity, teachers, and traveling. Themes such as addictions, lack of college degrees, and
religious affiliation flowed throughout my mom’s side of the family, but were lacking in my
immediate family. My mother’s three sisters all live in different states, but the distance does not
interfere with their relationships. They always make sure to keep in touch and support one
another. My aunts do not necessarily agree with how my mother runs her family, but I believe
that through dealing through so much loss and death that she has developed strong
communication skills. Both my mother and my father deal very well with conflict, staying level
headed and never holding a grudge. I think this ties into the common phrases from childhood
assignment in that they recognize life is short and you shouldn’t spend it fighting. The theme of
death has affected my entire family by bringing us closer to one another and building strong
communication skills.
The most commonly used phrase from my childhood is “never go to bed angry at one
another” and it is the one I have struggled with the most. Since my parents started dating in
college, they have always had the rule that they will not go to bed angry with one another. This
phrase stems from the idea that life it too short, and you shouldn’t spend it upset or angry with
other people. They carried on this way of life when my brother and I were born. I have often
struggled with this, because I do have a bold and self-assertive personality. As a child I was often
stubborn when it came to arguments and I had a hard time apologizing for my actions. It always
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 14
upset my parents that I could easily go to bed without resolving an issue. As I have grown up,
this has gotten easier for me and become more meaningful in my life. A common theme
throughout my life has been death and loss. As I have lost many loved ones, I’ve realized that
life truly is too short to spend it holding a grudge. I think this common phrase from my
childhood aligns with the theme of death and illness that I noted in my timeline. Though this
phrase used to really make me angry and I never understood its importance as a child, I have
grown up to realize its importance and I want to pass this on to my future children.
Noticing this theme has definitely led to realization about me personally. I learned that
when it comes to personality traits, I am basically fully aligned and in congruence. I think it says
a lot about me and my character that the people in my life described me in the same words I used
to describe myself. I learned that I am this way because of my respect and inspiration from my
grandmother. This theme also helped me to realize why my family is so good at communication
and how they have used it to strength the bonds and relationships throughout my entire family.
The realization of successful communication skills will definitely tie into my professional life.
As a teacher, I want to take this painful theme from my life and figure out how to
productively use it in the classroom. In my introduction, I noted that as a teacher I want to build
a welcoming classroom environment that encourages students to share their ideas and opinions.
By seeing my parents model such amazing communication skills, I can incorporate that into my
classroom. I can teach my students how to communicate with others as well as how to express
differences in opinions in productive ways. I can also help my students through losses of their
own if they happen to experience the death of a loved one while they are in my classroom since I
Conclusion:
This process has had major impacts on my life. Not only did I learn that by using
creativity, I am working through the emotional scars that were left behind after my
grandmother’s death and that I can use this realization to help my future student’s work through
their emotions; but it also brought me closer to my family. A lot of what I wrote about in my
paper about the death of my grandmother has been a tough subject for my dad. In the past, we
have tried not to speak about it, but writing this paper has opened up that dialogue and allowed
me to heal a little bit. I also had the opportunity to learn a lot about my family from talking to my
parents while completing the genogram. I have always had an open line of communication with
my parents, but learning more about my family has brought us closer together. This process has
influenced me as a future teacher. My plan for how I run my classroom and set up the entire
classroom environment will be shaped by my findings in this paper. If parents were to walk into
my future classroom, they would see student’s artwork hanging all around their room. I want my
students to see themselves reflected in the curriculum and the classroom environment. People
could also walk into the classroom and hear students openly discussing their emotions and
working through any past pain or hard times they have experienced. Already, I have taken steps
to use what I have learned about myself in my autoethnography. I make sure to add at least one
opportunity for my students to be creative in all of my lessons. For example, I did a writing
activity with the students in which they got to use their imagination to draw and write. After
reading them Where the Wild things are, they completed a perspective journal in which they
drew themselves as a wild thing and wrote about the main character visiting their land. I also
implemented another writing activity where students made themselves into superheroes and
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 16
wrote about their powers. I have not yet worked on creating a lesson centered on grief and death.
Those are very emotional and tough subjects to cover. I do not think I have enough experience
yet to talk about those subjects. It is definitely a goal of mine to address grief and death into my
One limitation of this paper would most definitely be time. Autoethographies take many
years to develop. I only wrote this paper in about a half a year. There is much more soul
searching and reflection I could do to add to my autoethnography. In order to grow and expand
on the topic, I would like to continue reflecting on my life and experiences. Taking time to
silently reflect on life each week could add a lot to my paper. One area of strength is how many
data collection methods I used. Doing interviews, creating a genogram, and journaling while in
practicum gave me the opportunity to reflect on my life through many different outlets. This has
criticized because they are not directly based on data like most research methods, and therefore
that makes them less credible to some readers (Allen, 2015). This could lead to biased data and
reflections are fair and unbiased. My entire autoethnography does focus a little more on one side
of my family more than the other, but I have given thoughtful unbiased reflections on my life.
statement. My mission statement as a teacher is, “PUT MISSION STATEMENT”. My first goal
is to paint this statement onto a canvas, and hang it up next to my desk in my future classroom.
Whenever I begin to doubt my professional career or my personal qualities, I will look back on
this mission statement and self-reflect on if I am living my life through that mission statement to
the best of my abilities. In order to work on overall congruence, I need to work on presenting my
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 17
softer and more caring side to more people in my life. I want to find that perfect harmony
between bold and friendly so that I can be relatable to my co-workers and students. In order to do
this, I want to continue the various amount of volunteer work I have done throughout my entire
life. I want to fully integrate myself into the new school community so that I understand its
culture and make personal connections with everyone in it. My action plan for years down the
road includes researching, implementing, and developing numerous hands on and creative
lessons as well as the best strategies for building a successful classroom community. The more I
continue to observe classrooms and eventually teach on my own, the more I can build and work
on this goal. I want to slowly progress from using worksheets and more tangible forms of
assessment, to adding in more and more creativity into my lessons the longer I teach. Reaching
this overall goal would look like having at least 85% of my lessons are hands on activities that
are engaging to students and tie their outside interests. It would also be implementing effective
classroom community strategies that have students using successful communication skills to
In conclusion, I think that teachers need to realize what is going on in the lives of their
students in order to help them learn and connect with them. If students are going through the loss
of a family member or some other grieving process, it is going to reflect in their actions and
behavior at school. Hopefully, if a teacher were to read this, they would see the importance of
allowing art in the classroom to help students channel and deal with their emotions. I also believe
that teaching means being a lifelong learner, and part of that learning should include self-
determine how that has created my present and allowed me to use that to plan out my personal
and professional congruence in the future as a person and a teacher. ADD MORE
Using Creativity and Grief to Empower my Teaching 18
References: