Bart The Genius
Bart The Genius
Bart The Genius
Maggie finishes placing an 'E' block on top of a pile of other blocks. After looking at her tower,
she knocks it down. A Scrabble piece falls on the floor and Lisa picks it up. The family is playing
Scrabble. Marge places an 'H' on the board to spell 'HE'. Homer looks at his tiles.
Homer: <angrily> Hmm. How can anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?!
Homer's tiles spell O-X-I-D-I-Z-E. He instead places a 'D' to make the word 'DO'. Lisa places an
'I' to make the word 'ID'
Homer: No abbreviations.
Bart: As in 'This game is stoop-id'. Here we go. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points,
plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a
kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
MARGE
I've tried heckling them, I've tried jeckling them, it's time I made myself a scarecrow.
Marge takes clothes out of a box, laying them on the floor in the shape of a body. Captions
featuring Comic Book Guy pop up on screen for each item: 'Lisa's jersey from "Lisa on Ice"', 'Bart's
jockey pants from "Saddlesore Galactica"', 'Jack-o-lantern from "Treehouse of Horror III, IX, XII"',
and 'Grampa's Hat from "Who Shot Grampa's Hat?"'. Marge goes outside and sees something is on
the vegetable patch again. She picks up the broom.
MARGE
Go away, go away!
It turns out the Flanders are praying in front of the cross stuck in the patch. Marge waves the
broom at them.
NED
MARGE
Shoo, shoo!
NED
Ahh! (They run off, but come back when Marge has gone.) Heaven and Earth... where were we?
Now I'm lost...
The crows are on the patch again. Marge has put all the clothes on the scarecrow, except for the
hat. When she puts it on, the crows notice and fly off, scared.
MARGE
Yeah I did it! Marge is in the house! Or I will be soon, 'cause it needs some cleaning!
That night, Homer returns from work, and sees the shadow of the scarecrow from the front lawn.
HOMER
Sometime later, Homer returns, armed with a baseball bat. He sneaks up on the scarecrow and
batters it.
HOMER
HOMER
Ah, look, I've made some friends. Now go do my bidding! Uh, whatever it may be.
The crows fly off and return with a bag of potato chips, a mug of beer, a sandwich and a copy of
Playdude. Next, Homer is at Moe's, surrounded by crows. Moe and the other bar flies look a little
nervous.
HOMER
MOE
I gotta admit, I'm kinda nervous here. We haven't seen Barney since they enveloped him.
HOMER
I'm sure he'll turn up. Look here's one of his buttons (holds up a button, dripping with blood)
MOE
Alright, that's it, get 'em outa here! This ain't no crow-bar. (reaching under the bar) This is a crow-
bar. (pulls out a picture with crows in a bar) See? They got the little stools... and everything?
Back at home, Homer and Marge are in bed. Homer points out all the crows to Marge.
HOMER
That's Russel Crowe, Cameron Crow, Crow Diddly, Jim Crow-nan, Gregory Peck...
MARGE
Hmm... Homer, I'm very uncomfortable about having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
HOMER
MARGE
She leaves. The next day, Homer relaxes in the hammock. A crow bites off a bit of his donut and
tries to feed it to him, but makes him choke.
HOMER
Drop it in, don't cram it in! Oh forget it, I'll do it myself. (looks up to Maggie's bedroom window)
Ah, look, Maggie wants to fly too! (the crows fly into the room and pick her up) Hey, cut it out! Put
her down!
Maggie slips out of her clothes. She pulls off her diaper and uses it as a parachute. Homer catches
her.
HOMER
Oh, thank God you're okay! (puts her down and turns to the crows) Okay, that was not cool! We
need to lay down some ground rules. (the crows squawk) We'll get to that, right now I think we
need some time apart. (crows squawk more) Alright that's it! (picks up broom) Shoo you stupid
crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
HOMER
ACT TWO
HOMER
DR. HIBBERT
Don't feel bad for the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to
drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.
HOMER
(calmly) Hmm, fascinating. Say, Doctor, can you do something about my (hysterical) SEARING
PAIN!?
DR. HIBBERT
HOMER
DR. HIBBERT
HOMER
DR. HIBBERT
Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic. You're not afraid, are you?
HOMER
I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and
regular school.
We flashback to a playing field at a school. Lenny and Carl (complete with afros) are smoking
weed.
LENNY
CARL
Homer takes the joint and is about to smoke it, when they hear Chief Wiggum.
WIGGUM
LENNY
WIGGUM
The dog smells the weed in Homer's pants, grabs him by his crotch, and swings him back and forth.
We return to the present.
HOMER
For me, the sixties ended that day in 1978.
DR. HIBBERT
But Homer, you can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.
HOMER
DR. HIBBERT
Only for those who enjoy it. Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state. We'll also provide you
with a prescription bong. (chuckling) Do you want the wizard, or the skull?
HOMER
Okay, lets see... (reads container) "Toke as needed. Caution: objects may appear more edible than
they actually are."
Homer lights the joint and starts to smoke it. A few moments later, we see that smoke has filled
the hallway. Marge and the kids are in the living room.
MARGE
(noticing the smoke) What's that billowing down the stairs? (gasp) It's smoke!
LISA
HOMER
MARGE
Uh-oh.
She rushes upstairs and the kids follow her. While Homer keeps singing, Marge tries to open the
door.
HOMER
Marge has no luck opening the door, so Bart steps in with his trusty credit card and picks the lock.
They all gasp when they see Homer smoking.
MARGE
Homer, you're doing drugs! (swipes the joint, then gasps) Now I'm guilty of possession. I could go
to prison! Unless I testify against you!
HOMER
Marge, it's making my eyes better. And it's legal. I could walk up to the President and blow smoke
in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it!
The next morning, Homer gets up, high again. To the tune of "Wear You Love Like Heaven" by
Donovan, he picks up his shaver and it smiles at him. He shaves, and rainbows spurt out from his
face. As he gets into his car it winks at him, then he flies off into the distance against a brightly-
coloured skyline. Back at home, Marge receives a phone call. It's Homer.
MARGE
Hello?
HOMER
Marge, I just realized, I am the "ow", in the word "now". And if you tell anyone...
MARGE
Honey, I like it when you call, but we just talked five minutes ago. (phone beeps) Hang on, I've got
call waiting. Hello?
HOMER
Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out.
Marge groans. Later, Homer is in Lisa's room, listening to her playing her saxophone. He chuckles.
Bart enters.
BART
HOMER
I didn't, but now, Daddy's special medicine... (menacingly) which you must never use, because it
will ruin you life! (calmly) ... lets Daddy see and hear magical things that you will never
experience... (menacingly) ever!
LISA
HOMER
He gives her some money, and Lisa drops it in her saxophone case, which is already overloaded
with notes. Lisa continues playing.
HOMER
Ned Flanders turns up on the Simpsons' doorstep. Homer opens the door.
NED
Hi-diddly-hey, Homer!
HOMER
Oh my God, this dude does the best Flanders. You got the moustache, and the "diddly"... okay,
now do Wiggum.
NED
Oh right, the God dude. Hey, I got a question for you. (pulls out a piece of paper) "Could Jesus
microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?"
NED
Well sir, of course, he could, but then again... wow, as melon-scratchers go that's a honey-doodle.
HOMER
NED
Well luckily I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.
He pulls out a Bible and gives it to Homer, who leafs through it.
HOMER
NED
NED
The grace of the lord Jesus be with God's people. The end.
HOMER
Whoa. Whoa. God does so much for me and he doesn't ask anything in return.
NED
Well I know he's wishing you to sign this petition... to re-criminalize medicinal marijuana.
HOMER
NED
Well okay, I guess it would go something like this... (Wiggum's voice) Alright Simpson, you're under
arrest, see?
HOMER
I said Wiggum!
At the power plant. In his office, Burns reads his speech aloud to Smithers.
BURNS
And so, potential investors, I hope you'll think our I.P.O. is an I.P.U. (chuckles) Then I hold my nose
thusly. (holds nose) What do you think Smithers?
SMITHERS
Well I hope the investors like it. I have to raise sixty million dollars or we're out of business.
SMITHERS
BURNS
I told you, I pissed it away! Oh don't make that face. (looks at Smithers) Yes, that's the one.
Smithers, I need someone that laughs at all my jokes. You know, honest feedback.
HOMER
BURNS
HOMER
BURNS
(walks over to him) Well if you liked that, listen to this. Working hard, or hardly working? (Homer
laughs harder) Smithers, you could learn a thing of two from this bray moron. (chuckles) Young
man, I'm making you my Executive Vice President.
SMITHERS
Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
BURNS
Oh Smithers, I would have said anything to get your stem cells. (to Homer) Now, welcome aboard.
HOMER
Homer returns home in a company car. As he walks to the front door, he chuckles.
HOMER
MARGE
HOMER
MARGE
Look, I'm really starting to worry, there's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere, we're all out of paper
clips, and the curtains smell like doob.
HOMER
Yeah? Well I got news for you. I just got promoted and it's all thanks to "yes I cann-abis". (walks off
screen) We have a kitchen?!
That night, Marge turns over in bed to find Homer not there. She hears a TV on somewhere.
TV
(woman's voice) Oh, now where are those three chandeliers hangers I hired? (smashing sound)
(man's voice) You mutton-heads, this is why we can never hold down a job.
The noise is coming from the attic. Homer and Otto are watching this show, laughing.
HOMER
OTTO
HOMER
OTTO
MARGE
Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes?
HOMER
KENT
This just in, the marijuana re-criminalization initiative took another step forward today, as
supporters collected the final signatures required to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's
election.
HOMER
We gotta get out and stop that initiative! Marge, I'm gonna need ten thousand veggie burritos.
OTTO
No guac' in mine.
MARGE
OTTO
A protest rally is being held. The band Phish appear and play the first couple of lines from "Run
Like An Antelope". They suddenly stop for something.
SINGER
Okay, okay, hold on, hold on. (sniffing the air) I smell marijuana smoke. That better be medicinal.
PIANIST
DRUMMER
DRUMMER
HANS MOLEMAN
SINGER
They continue with their song. A little while later, they incorporate the Simpsons theme tune into
their set.
PIANIST
Thank you! And now, a man who's a real po-thead... I'm sorry, pot-head... Homer Simpson!
HOMER
Good afternoon. I wanna thank you all for coming down here, taking time off from your jobs...
(crowd all mutter "Jobs?") Cause we need to keep medical marijuana legal! (crowd cheer)
Whether you suffer from glaucoma, or you just rented The Matrix, medical marijuana can make
things fabulous! ...medically. (crowd cheer) So my mellow fellow citizens, when you go into that
voting booth on Tuesday the 7th...
GUITARIST
HOMER
Oh man, they already voted! And we lost! (crowd groan) Oh man I can't believe we spaced on the
date!
OTTO
HOMER
Well we can't just stand here staring at our hands. Although... (looks at hands) Wow!
OTTO
(sees ring on finger) Whoa! Oh, that's right, I married that chick.
Everyone leaves. That night, Homer and Otto are still on the stage.
OTTO
They call 'em fingers, but I never see them 'fing'. Oh, there they go.
ACT THREE
WIGGUM
Lou and Eddie do so, and the crowd inhale the smoke.
WIGGUM
Actually, that smoke is a little too inviting. Uh, throw on that sack of barber hair.
They do so, and the crowd cough and splutter. Homer watches from his living room window.
HOMER
Oh, I could have smoked that pot... and worn that hair.
MARGE
Homer, you don't need drugs anymore, your eyes are all better.
HOMER
I want my old Dad back, the one who was yelling all the time and... you know, I'm not really sure
what I want.
MARGE
Homer, it's over. I want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs
again.
HOMER
BART
As long as you're doing things for me, would you tie up your bath robe when you walk around the
house?
HOMER
Never!
In the attic, Homer packs away all his pot-related stuff (bongs etc.)
OTTO
HOMER
Get out.
OTTO
Hey, remember when I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing?
HOMER
MOE
What's the matter, Homer? You're like drunk, but you're not sloppy-drunk.
HOMER
MOE
LENNY
Yeah, you were getting all spacey and everything. We were going to have an intervention.
CARL
Yeah, but at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning. I nearly died!
They laugh.
MOE
HOMER
It's been three days and my mind is clearer. My sperm count is up, and I'm able to recognize
simple shape and patterns.
LISA
HOMER
MARGE
HOMER
As a reminder, Marge.
The joint says "Dentist -Tuesday" on the side. The phone rings and Homer answers. It's Burns.
HOMER
Hello?
BURNS
A-hoy hoy, executive V.P. I'm putting the final touches on my speech to the investors, and I need
your generous guffaws.
HOMER
BURNS
I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now we're ordering out, what do you want in
your pizza pie? ... Extra cheese?! What do you take me for? Lorenzo DeMerichee?! See you soon.
MARGE
Don't worry Homie, you don't need Mary-Jane to laugh at Mr. Burns' jokes. Just... picture him
naked! (Homer screams) Or... uh, um, with a funny hat on!
Homer screams louder and falls to the floor. Later he is Burns' mansion.
BURNS
Homer and Smithers have big grins on their faces, but neither laugh.
BURNS
SMITHERS
(whispering to Homer) One of us has gotta start laughing. If Mr. Burns gets flop sweat he'll die of
dehydration.
Burns gets a drop of sweat on his forehead and starts to feel giddy.
BURNS
Oh, I'm drenched with sweat. (pushes the sweat back in) I'm going to take a bath-yola, and when I
come back, you'd better be laughing.
HOMER
This stuff can make anything funny, even that show that follows Friends. But I promised my family
I wouldn't smoke it anymore.
SMITHERS
HOMER
SMITHERS
This suit used to belong to Judy Garland. Uh, we could sing a song, if you don't mind being Mickey
Rooney.
HOMER
You mean that guy on "60 Minutes" who yells all the time?
SMITHERS
Sixty minutes? Oh my God, Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!
They rush into the bathroom to see Burns floating face down in the bathtub. They both scream.
Smithers pulls him out of the tub.
SMITHERS
Oh, Mr. Burns. You were too beautiful for this world.
He hugs him and Burns slips out of his hands like soap and flies into the wall.
HOMER
SMITHERS
HOMER
SMITHERS
We can carry on. Michael Eisner's been dead for five years, Ted Turner's just a hologram. Now, we
gotta think...
At the investors meeting Bill Clinton introduces.
CLINTON
So, when somebody says I was an embarrassment to the country, I say "It depends on what the
meaning of 'was' is, jerk." (chuckles) You owe me two hundred thousand dollars. Good night
everybody!
HOMER
Bill Clinton, everyone! He's Jimmy Carter with a fox attitude. And now a man who you will see as
definitely... not dead... Mr. Montgomery Burns!
The curtains open and Burns appears, sat in a chair. He has strings attached to him and Smithers
controls his movement from the gallery like a puppet.
HOMER
Mr. Burns, as we're running long, may we skip you speech and go directly to the questions?
DR. NICK
Mr. Burns, a two-part question: One, when will you see a profit again, and two, what's that red
stuff coming out of your ear?
HOMER
Mr. Burns, may I field that one? (Burns nods and smiles) It's true we're losing money. But there's
no reason we can't dance, dance, dance the night away!
Smithers makes Burns do a dance. The audience cheer. Suddenly, the strings break and Burns
lands on the floor. The curtains close and Homer wraps up.
HOMER
CROWD
Homer goes behind the curtain, where Burns is on the floor. Suddenly, he wakes up.
BURNS
Ah, brilliant. We lost sixty million dollars and they're cheering for more.
SMITHERS
BURNS
Yes, I regained consciousness during my big dance number. Those strings pulling me every which
way jostled my heart from its slumber.
HOMER
Oh and you didn't? Well, the worm has finally shown his fangs. Smithers, make me slap him.
Smithers pulls the string attached to Burns' arm and makes him slap Homer.
BURNS
You call that a slap? Make me slap you. (slaps Smithers) Now both (slaps both ) Now just you.
(slaps Smithers) Now give me a taste. (slaps himself) Now both again. (slaps both, and fade to
credits) Now all three (three slaps heard) Excellent...