Wish they came with Instruction Manuals!

I was about 30 years old when I had a harsh realization of my role in sibling
rivalry as I watched my two young daughters get along rather well. When 2 year
old Vidya wasn't sharing much, 5 year old Ramya said "Vidya is still sharing the
car, the house and the air", and she really meant it! I know that, growing up, I
wasn't as kind towards my siblings! Of course, my siblings felt the jealousy more
than I did, as I was the older one and always cast into the role of the model
child. I was always the "good girl" and my sister the naughty one. The role of
the "good girl" was a hard one to maintain. On rare occasions when we actually
fought, I couldn't freely hit my sister back to settle score, since I had to conform
to my designated role and dared not disappoint my parents by stepping out of
that role. So I resorted to pinching my sister to my heart's content when she was
sleeping and got away without being caught. At the moment I felt satisfied with
my ability to retaliate without suffering any consequences. I was superficially
aware of these dynamics as a child but it didn't seem like a big deal to me. I was
clearly at the lowest level of moral development. My brother and sister rarely
made a big issue or probably felt it wouldn't help to complain, as my place was
firmly secured on top of the pedestal. My parents obviously did a lot of other
things right and hence, despite the constant comparisons and my parents efforts
to "inspire" my siblings to emulate me, we actually were a very close knit family.
We would never eat a toffee given by the birthday child at school without
bringing it home and splitting it 3 ways!

One would imagine that growing up being the object of envy, I would have a
pretty decent dose of self-confidence. Unfortunately, in reality, I was an anxious
mess. Looking back, I certainly had some symptoms of anxiety and was far from
being self-confident at the core. Fortunately most siblings, like us, end up being
well-adjusted adults and maintain close relationships.
Sibling rivalry is a rite of passage for many families with more than one child.
The term was introduced in 1941 by David Levy to describe the older sibling's
aggressive responses to the new baby who is seen as intruding into his or her
space and the intimate bond with the parent. The competition is more when the
children are closer in age. Sibling rivalry is a common feature of normal family
life with its good, bad and the ugly!

Mild sibling rivalry can be healthy. Siblings learn assertiveness skills and how to
tough it out in the real world. Sibling rivalry can also promote a healthy
competition between siblings resulting in some or all of the siblings reaching high
levels of accomplishment, like Serena and Venus Williams, Lata Mangeshkar and
Asha Bhosle! If managed well, it can lead to strong sibling bonds as adults. The
rivalry often lessens over time as siblings become adults.

At moderate to severe levels, sibling rivalry can be a lose-lose situation, with

parents and the children getting frustrated and stressed. Usually the
younger sibling who is encouraged to be like the older one may suffer from low
self-confidence. Even the older child may feel pressure to conform to high
standards and fear disappointing the parents, causing internal stress and
insecurity. Overall it diminishes the family's ability to have positive experiences.
As there is always a child inside every adult, sometimes the unresolved issues
related to sibling rivalry may play a part in child rearing, leading to the parent
robustly but sub-consciously promoting sibling rivalry in the next generation.

Severe sibling rivalry can lead to unsafe behaviors bordering on abuse/violence.

Sibling rivalry is usually related to particular incidents or issues, is often
reciprocal and is openly talked about by both siblings seeking parents attention
and understanding, while sibling abuse is often characterized by power
imbalance between the siblings and is not openly talked about.
Any attempt to eliminate sibling rivalry is unrealistic and unnecessary. However,
keeping it manageable will go a long way in promoting happiness and healthy
functioning of the family. Although the children are the key players in sibling
rivalry, parents are in the role of directing the show. Parents sometimes directly
contribute to the rivalry by overtly comparing children, often in the guise of
"inspiring", but always are in the role of managing the sibling conflicts, or even
better, helping the children resolve the conflicts amicably.

Five guidelines for building healthy sibling relationships:

1. Never compare children to other children

Children are usually harsh critics of themselves and often spontaneously

compare themselves to others. Children feel less pressure and more
motivated when encouraged to work on improving themselves versus
being compared with others. If you are very pleased with one of your
children's performance (in academics or extracurricular activities), and
would like your other child to also achieve similar level of
accomplishments, remember that they are two different children.
Everyone's accomplishments don't have to look the same. Time to apply
the golden rule - "Treat others the way you want to be treated". How
would you like if your child compares you to other parents? I know,
because in elementary school Ramya actually said "See how nice Claire's
mom is! She lets Claire stay home if she is feeling sick, because her mom
loves her and cares about her. I hope that one day you will be loving and
caring like Claire's mom!" Ouch!!

Children have an innate desire to please their parents. Rest assured that
they are trying their very best to please you every day. I have yet to meet
 a single child who wakes up wanting to have a bad day or disappoint their
parents. If it doesnt look like that to you, then it is time for some figuring
out together in a supportive manner. Comparing with others can make
children feel defeated and insecure. In the summer after 10th grade, when
I found out that a friend's son had already taken the SAT exam, I
"encouraged" Ramya to do the same, pointing out "how well Jai had
planned and finished the exam". Ramya's feelings were hurt as she felt
that I did not trust her to make the right choices, when in fact she had
generally been a very responsible child. Fortunately, Ramya was able to
express her feelings and accepted my apology. If you still have an urge to
inspire your child by singing someone else's praise, maybe using a well-
known role model like Bill Gates might be better, especially with a focus
on the underlying qualities and values of that person that helped him/her
become successful. Dont ever assume that kids are not hearing you. They
are all eyes and ears when parents are talking. They seem to be able to
see and hear through walls! Quite a few times I cringed when a friend
would express his frustration on the phone about one of his children being
more difficult and not as calm and studious as the other one, while the
child was in another room. And my friend wonders why the child is angry
and disrespectful towards him. Spoken or unspoken, harboring these
feelings will influence your relationship with your children as well as
among themselves.

When siblings have significant differences in their abilities (e.g., if one of

them is gifted or has learning differences), it is better to discuss openly
about all of us having our own strengths and weaknesses in a non-
judgmental way and help children set appropriate expectations of
themselves.

2. Never cast kids into molds

 Every child is unique and wants to feel that they are special and valued.
Casting into a mold can potentially inhibit their growth due to
the constraints of the mold. My brother and sister were labeled as easy
going and not as hard working as I was. Even though they were both
good students and were interested in biology and becoming doctors, our
parents decided that they didn't have what it takes to be doctors. Has the
world been deprived of two great doctors? Not being cast into a mold
would have allowed me the opportunity to be free-spirited and my sisters
energy and enthusiasm to be fully nurtured.

3. Set the stage with care

A stable home environment where everyone feels safe and valued, a

predictable routine and consistent structure with basic ground rules (like
"no hurting others with words or actions") promotes healthy child
development. Ever changing rules and expectations and lack of consistent
disciplining can be very confusing and do not promote internalization of
core values. Parents working cooperatively and resolving differences by
negotiating and compromising will help children do the same. It should
come as no surprise if children tease or put each other down, if that is
what the children witness in the home. Engaging in strong family bonding
activities is sure to help children enjoy each other's company. I dont know
of a more natural and easier way of creating a family bonding ritual than
daily family dinners. Family dinners provide a wonderful opportunity to
connect with each other and practice good manners, healthy boundaries,
helping, respecting, sharing and communicating with each other on a daily
basis. Well-protected family dinner time means engaging with each other,
sharing about experiences during the day - about their friendships, things
they learned in school etc, and not just physically sitting there with each
 family member (including the parents) engaging with social media on their
own devices. If family dinners are turning into fighting sessions, having
assigned seats at opposite ends of the table and reinforcing the ground
rules might minimize the negative behavior without drawing excessive
attention.

4. Catch them doing good

Nothing works like a charm than praising positive behavior. The return on
investment of few minutes of noticing and praising when the older one
lets the younger one borrow his favorite shirt is huge. Praising specific
behaviors gets you more mileage. That was very nice of you to share,
would make both the children want to do more of it, rather than ignoring
or simply saying You are good kids.

5. Be fair

Children are highly sensitive to the issue of fairness. From the age of 5
years, children have a sense of fairness and empathy and are able to
figure out a fair way to resolve differences. Working out differences using
a problem solving approach helps children practice assertiveness,
negotiation skills and compromising. Fairness does not mean equality.
It wouldn't make sense to treat a 5 year old and a 10 year old child
equally. Their expectations, privileges and responsibilities should be
different and age-appropriate. A parent shouldn't give into a 9 year old's
provocative declaration "it's not fair!" when she protests her 13 yr old
sister getting a cell phone or being able to hang out with friends for
couple of hours on a Friday night. With reasonable explanation and
consistent implementation of rules, over a foundation of unconditional
love, children are able to recognize inherent fairness and accept that
fairness doesn't mean getting the exact same thing as their siblings, but
 that each of them would get what they need in an age-appropriate
manner. Ramya got a cell phone in 10th grade when she started high
school, but Vidya got one in 8th grade. Although momentarily Ramya felt
that it was unfair for Vidya to get at a younger age than she did, she was
able to understand the practical advantages and our increased comfort
level.

Fairness also means not taking sides without hearing both sides of
the story. If the two stories dont match and the truth is not obvious, it
would only be fair that both children are given a consequence. The
punishment has to fit the crime. I am not sure how the punishment of the
phone being taken away fits the crime of hitting a sibling. The
consequence should help the children learn. When asked to write "I will
not hit Vidya" 8 times, 8 year old Ramya figured out an efficient way to do
it by writing "I" 8 times down the page, then "will" and so on. I am glad I
was able to catch a glimpse of her clever strategy, so I could put an end
to it. She was supposed to write the whole sentence each time so the
message sinks in. Since I couldn't police her writing, I changed the rule
of the game and wanted her to write an apology to Vidya using 8
different sentences explaining what she did, why it was wrong, what she
learned, why she shouldnt do it again etc. This strategy produced some
beautiful letters worth saving for years to come, improved language and
writing skills, honesty, empathy and impulse control. Win-win all the way
around!

Sibling relations are some of the most precious relationships anyone could
have, considering the fact that siblings, in addition to sharing their parents, share
the longest time together on the planet compared to anyone else, as the overlap
of lifespans is the most for siblings. Sibling relations lay the foundation of our
relationships with others. From a logical and social perspective, investment in
strengthening sibling relationships would produce a rich yield that would benefit
families in the short term and society in the long run.

Uma Nuthi, MD is a child psychiatrist practicing in Pennsylnavia for the past 27

years. She is passionate about empowering families and children to foster strong
and healthy relationships in order to enjoy happy and fulfilled lives. She can be
reached at [email protected] .