Deep Thoughts (Part 1) - by: Jack Handy

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's
made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery,
and that's why so is mankind.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what
your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain
on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which
is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like
that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another
weakness.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his
throat).
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about
every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have become the foot-long sticks of
mankind.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That
way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if he does, because it could
hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey,
Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would
be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying
example of the reindeer effect."
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride
him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for
freshness.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or
not?
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one
class. It's just too rich a subject.
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about
him.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad
if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry
rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats
caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the
ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm
thinking of a monorail.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and
become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a
feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I
say it was a poison feather?
 If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to
also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's
just too much."
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen
to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what
other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like
mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try
to find some mayonnaise for me.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S.
This also works with men.)
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town.
But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it.
The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. "THAT'S
MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which
is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays?
Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got
a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's
probably best to avoid eye contact.
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to
assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then
sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in
some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then
maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's
a documentary!
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he
falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money
back.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in
a warehouse.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the
garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up
napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who
are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody
just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than
the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Deep Thoughts (Part 2) - by: Jack Handy

Whenever I need to "get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the
beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are
the flies. They're terrible!
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a
brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking
that world, because they'd never expect it.
If I was the head of a country during a war and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd
glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right
up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling
potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until
some jerk says something stupid to me.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the
part where I take it EASY!
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and
what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English." If I
come back as a horsefly,
I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all
over their lip!
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record,
pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens
wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I
think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with
THAT dork!" and point to another father.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt
it.
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your
castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a
guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get
tired of that.
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's
dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick
you taught him.
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet
will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep
mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering
iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a
soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and
ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up
for a free drink.
 If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me,
I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could
get out of it.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look
and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It
doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a
page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big
cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was
funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy
screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of
tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only
the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my gosh, we've got to
try something!
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found
this out the hard way.
Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean
over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't
know where that glove has been.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it.
It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin
the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when
there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out
there."
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way
to do that was to turn on the TV.
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were
organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered
together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor
because you were "just going down to the corner."
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark
stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that
the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question
people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a
beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
 People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What
they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the
opposite sex. What a coincidence!
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to
let nudity "happen."
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather
specimens and take them back to my home planet.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we
should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would
like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we
start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot
down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling,
he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of
construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home, his face might burn up.
I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed
up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

Deep Thoughts (Part 3) - by: Jack Handy

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard
worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!
Hey, better try the emergency brake!
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog
that has roots and is very quiet.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other
people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground
and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort
of coasting from the previous flap?
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious
about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep
breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little
cheese "gems" from burglars.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was
about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long
story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He told us about his life and all, and I thought:
"This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting
long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after
all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long,
though.
 He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people would go, "Who is
that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of
impress him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy,
then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty
work.
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the
cellar."
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
I think man invented the car by instinct.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks,
then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure
they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a
big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it
was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind
of stereo system works best in hell?"
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty
soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck
kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a gosh dang
liar.
Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go
round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good
camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out.
"This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special
pencil that writes on snow.
I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they found fragments of
human bones! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white
beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the
clouds, and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He
can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand.
Come on, Marta. Grow up.
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up
and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize
me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to
dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of
wolves.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that
story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her
shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
 I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up
tobacco leaves.
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives'
language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in
winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his
lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort
of smirk.
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because
then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's
territory.
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about
him.
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking,
of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a
fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my
pants.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man
wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have
been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it
on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot
to learn.
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the
world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair
and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I
don't think people should make you feel that way.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are
based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I
said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is
looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your
body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty
soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck
kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a gosh dang
liar.
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She
said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots
would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I
can watch.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about
life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you
might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the
leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people
for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
 When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious
about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he
whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except
now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say
you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a
person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't
it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to
drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This
watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing,
Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window,
or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist,"
because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my
back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient
would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw screw you, get
outta here," and then he robably wouldn't even pay his bill.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the
burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine,
because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way,
you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering
iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a
soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and
ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them
up for a free drink.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying,
"Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they
remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon
and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the
moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the
radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." Too bad you can't buy a
voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy
had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other
children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I
chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless
domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of
tuberculosis.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I
bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
 I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a
complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody
walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just
woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the
frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and
asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Deep Thoughts (Part 4) - by: Jack Handy

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each
other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe
we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces,
and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to
the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone
run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I
think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized
it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to
the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they
screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but
inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the
persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that
says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think
you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying
to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and
people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in
those genitals.
 Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy
screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt
and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the
preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into
the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there
were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport
we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I
think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks
why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the
tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating
everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for
Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she
started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to
DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand
burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the
most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that
evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a
shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I
caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries
to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I
think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I
think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave,
and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle
Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way
he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie
heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Deep Thoughts (Part 5) - by: Jack Handy

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about
getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd
probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
 Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate
for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages
laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into
a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when
are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man,
quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people
could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you
nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't
think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely,
make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered
that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to
have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that
every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small
pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can
throw a real grenade at them.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my
plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just
say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where
I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the
ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good
kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big
Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty.
He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets
mad and chases you...
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I
start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And
then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so
confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning,
because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his
money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what
everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every
day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and
the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't
many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy",
because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the
Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the
Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five
minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get
the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
 I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of
your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and
you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man,
those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I
could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came
up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is
gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him
you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then
start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's
why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain
on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which
is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like
that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on
the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and
worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and
waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor
put some salve on it? You call that dull?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it
was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We
have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that
for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything
else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and
throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't
have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON
the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy
space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get
it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And
yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some
kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it
was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the
other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a
tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to
the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we
had some growing up to do.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was
about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long
story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure
and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You
know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good
movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
 I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell
the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then
the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain
about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there
inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in
the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or
something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let
her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of
like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy
from all our skin layers.
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.
When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be
sprayed by one.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction
and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big
"thing." This is truth, to me.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And thought, I too am
like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out
of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and
gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That
way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it
damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there
might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side,
which is the preening.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one,
unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of
high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then
I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building,
but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They'd probably break down into their various gases
before they even hit.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get
some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared jackrabbit. Maybe it was like an
angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what
He's getting. Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim
to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?
Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the butt.
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down
the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?
 I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get
down " yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move " screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He
walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what
happened after that.
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship."
Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea
that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of
chocolate eggs.

Deep Thoughts (Part 6) - by: Jack Handy

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each
other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that
went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't
know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight.
You have to allow the head to breathe.
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and
yell, "Why you stupid, stupid person," Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is,
and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion
gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each
desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a
corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the
question.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the
same thing: a better house.
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep
people from following too close.
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he
said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some
friend HE is.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love
is liking someone a lot.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants
just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me?
I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How
innocent you are, little blacksmith.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that is least effective on me is a kind of
clicking noise. wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure
it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe
you could throw water in his face or something.
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both
wear red, and both have a beard.
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he
decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
 I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that
night, they burned the wheel.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will
just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand
up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

Deep Thoughts (Part 7) - by: Jack Handy

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would
laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot
of other guys like me.
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was
suddenly on top of the meteor - through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go "
yelled one of the generals. "Give me that" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone
away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?"
thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the
meteor.
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they
have some kind of pornography booth.
A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What
they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that.
It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men
would look nice for the surrender.
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the
second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third
stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to
affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good,
isn't it.
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself
telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body,
because I am NOT unwrapping him later."
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive
present, what a wonderful world that would be.
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him
fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it
would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What? What? " I would yell back, but
he never did speak English.
In my opinion anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy.
I guess I'll never forget her. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her
beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the
apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.
I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to
really fix up my "pad".
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving
of worship? It's simple, it comes from the Earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a
fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
 Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready.
But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the
subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys
come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know
what to tell you.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a
decade away.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your
friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about
adopting the vulture.
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient
bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
Instead of a seeing eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around
shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through
their yards, yelling and spinning around.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts
longer, plus it moves around.
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems
they've caused?
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a
year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when
somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say,
"Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey,
where am I?
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something,
like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that
"wishing" isn't going to save our national forests.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the
nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and
said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll
show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules:
First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that
better?
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing
into a filthy Texaco latrine.
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because
what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the
face or something.
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came
through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he
tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it!
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught
inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
 Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it
up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys
who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And
they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs
are coming.
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-
and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him
square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's 'fashionable'." But he won't. And you know
why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have
to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with
leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big
raisins.)
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a
streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because
the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting
boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an
eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more
pornography.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a
rattlesnake.
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock
whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected
president.
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a
while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag."
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form
"spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and
maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she
said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that
gets old real fast.
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you
want, it's okay by me."
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on
a spring shoots out.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as
a sort of courtesy.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will
just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand
up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our
"stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that
someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know
what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his
hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane
asylum.
Deep Thoughts (Part 8) - by: Jack Handy

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad?
Treasure chests with no handles. How the heck are you supposed to carry it?!
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand
bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the
window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free.
Ask, and ask often. If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just
keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behind this.
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is
something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by
what I've just said here.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,
they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on
my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark
at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the
horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am
I doing?!"
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them
their ants ate your baby.
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real
fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking
Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to
ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in,
and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I
guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that
big-dress monster.
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody
shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or
something.
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that
stings you, then laughs at you.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it
damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still
that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the "happy" category.
Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a saying that if it
comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can? I thought I heard that
somewhere.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you
go, the later you think you are.
 I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad." But I will say this: At least the bird is less nude.
Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking
on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also,
it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a
kind of stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a
pancake somehow.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in
a warehouse.
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out
how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that
tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE
was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that
guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM again.
You know what makes good hair for a snow man? REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.
Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real fast. "Draw," said the stranger. Carl went for
his gun, but then "Hey, where did all these angels come from?
If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when you were ALSO
thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on?!
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good
thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd
probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm.
"I'll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy.
"No," I said, "the one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He's gray," I said,"but way in the
back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but
I didn't want to look like a jerk, so I said,"Yeah, that's the one I want." It ended up costing me almost
five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I've still got that faucet, and I
wouldn't trade it for any dog in the world.
When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's
hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be
late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she'd hid them in the backyard. But they
were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren't allowed to pick it up. We had to point at it, and
then Mom would come pick it up with her white gloves and put it back in its case. Somebody ended
up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our dog.
As I stood there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how many other people had stood
there, and how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking out between their lips like I did.
I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad's room when I heard them talking about
how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I went and got my piggy bank
and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn't get their mitts on it.
I only played hooky one time, so I'll never forget it. I hid in the bushes right outside my classroom.
And since the window was open, I could hear the teacher, so I went ahead and took notes. When
the teacher asked a question, I raised my hand, but she couldn't see me.
In all the time I was growing up, I only saw Dad cry two times. After the first time, I didn't say
anything. But after the second time I left a note on his dresser that said, "See a psychiatrist." I don't
know if he ever did, but at least I didn't see him cry again.
The way I see it, kids need exercise more than they need ice cream. So when I worked as an ice
cream man, driving an ice cream truck, I would try to drive fast enough that the kid couldn't catch
me, but not so fast that he'd give up right away. Some kids will chase you for eight or nine blocks.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Deep Thoughts (Part 9)

Taken from a newspaper contest for people imitating "Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey"

Honorable Mentions:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and
worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's birthday, like they do for the Queen. Of course,
then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an
unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of
the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good
because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big
bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the
moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow,
that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you
audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's
not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-
man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because,
come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then I
remember it's because he sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle:
"A truck!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of
everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway
because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

3rd Runner Up:

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake
that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

2nd Runner Up:

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

1st Runner Up:

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato
gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has
come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found
many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and
strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

Winner:

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene
and quiet it would be until the looting started.