Tips for long-distance

relationships
1. Send gifts that have been yours
2. Send pictures and selfies
3. Set date nights
4. Have conversations constantly, about the big things and the little
things. When you do see each other make a point to do mundane
things as well as fun, like go grocery shopping together. Keep life as
real as you can. There are cool apps that allow you to watch Netflix
shows in sync with each other (Doctor Who got us through a lot) and
Skype is wonderful.
5. Dont keep score. We each do what we are able to make this work.
6. Be more open about everything
7. Dont try to cram in a lot of stuff to do when you see each other. Make
time for mellow time together.
8. Make sure that you always say good night and good morning, even if
its just a text with a sun because youre hungover.
9. We wrote letters to each other a lot and sent care packages which
gave us something to look forward to. Counting down the days until
you get to see each other also really helps even if the number is
scarily big!
10.Dont avoid talking about the difficult things
11.For my own sanity it was important that I didnt give up on doing my
own things, always wanting him to be with me. And by living my own
adventures I always had stories to tell and to confide in him. That
independence brought us closer together.
12.I tell people that I treat it much like an actual break up: relying on
friends, focusing on school/work/hobbies, and keeping myself busy
helps soothe the loneliness. As for the actual relationship, my biggest
tip is TRUST and PATIENCE.
13.Avoid excessive communication.
It is unwise to be overly sticky and possessive. You two dont really
have to communicate 12 hours a day to keep the relationship going.
Many couples thought that they need to compensate for the distance
by doing more. This is not true. And it might only make things worse.
Soon you would get tired of loving. Remember: Less is more. It is
not about spamming you are only going to exhaust yourselves. Its
really about teasing at the right moments and tugging at the right
spots.
14.See it as an opportunity.
View it as a learning journey for the both of you. See it as a test of
your love for each other. As the Chinese saying goes, Real gold is not
afraid of the test of fire. Instead of thinking that this long distance
relationship is pulling you two apart, you should believe that through
this experience, the both of you will be bound together even stronger.
15.Set some ground rules to manage your expectations.
 Both of you need to be clear with what you expect of with each other
during this long distance relationship. Set some ground rules so that
none of you will do things that will take the other party by surprise.
For instance, are you two exclusive? Is it alright for the other person
to go on dates? What is your commitment level? Its better to be open
with each other about all these things.

4. Try to communicate regularly, and creatively.

Greet each other good morning and good night every day this is a
must. On top of that, try to update your partner on your life and its
happening, however mundane some of the things may seem. To up the
game, send each other pictures, audio clips and short videos from time to
time. By putting in this kind of effort, you make the other person feel loved
and attended to.

5. Talk dirty with each other.

Sexual tension is undoubtedly one of the most important things between

couples. Sexual desire is like a glue that keeps both parties from drifting
apart. Not only is sex a biological need, it is an emotional one as well. Keep
the flames burning by sending each other teasing texts filled with sexual
innuendos and provocative descriptions. Sexy puns work pretty well too.

6. Avoid dangerous situations.

If you already know that going to the club or going drinking with your group
of friends late at night will displease your partner, then you should either 1.
Not do it or 2. Tell your partner beforehand so as to reassure him/her. Dont
be careless about this sort of matter because your partner is only going to
be extra worried or extra suspicious, and of course, very upset, because you
are putting him/her in a position where he/she feels extra powerless/lacking
in control.

Also, It could be easy for you to fall into the trap which you, unconsciously
or not, set up for yourself by hanging out with your office eye-candy after
work, or going out with a girl or guy from your past who has been flirting
with you. You need to recognize the dangers before entering into the
situation. Dont just listen to your heart. Listen to your mind too.

7. Do things together.

Play an online game together. Watch a documentary on YouTube or Vimeo at

the same time. Sing to each other on Skype while one of you plays the
guitar. Take a walk together outside while video-calling each other. Go
online-shopping together and buy each other gifts (See #13). You really
have to be creative and spontaneous about it.

8. Do similar things.
Recommend books, TV shows, movies, music, news and etc. to each other.
When you read, watch and listen to the same things, you get to have more
topics in common to talk about. This is a good to create some shared
experiences even though you are living apart.

9. Make visits to each other.

Visits are the highlight of every long distance relationship. After all the
waiting and yearning and abstinence, you finally get to meet each other to
fulfill all the little things like kissing, holding hands, etc. which are all
common to other couples but so very special and extra intimate for people
in long distance relationships. It will be like fireworks, glitter bombs, confetti,
rainbows and butterflies everywhere.

10. Have a goal in mind.

What do we want to achieve at the end of the day? How long are we
going to be apart? What about the future? These are the questions you
two need to ask yourselves. The truth is, no couple can be in a long distance
relationship for forever. Eventually we all need to settle down.

So make a plan with each other. Do up a timeline, marking down the

estimated times apart and times together, and draw an end goal. It is
important that you two are on the same page and have the same goals. So
that even if you are not living in the same space and the same timezone,
both of you are still working together in the same direction towards a future
that includes one another.

11. Enjoy your alone time and your time with your friends and family.

You are alone but you are not lonely, unless you choose to feel like it. You
dont have to let your world revolve around your partner you still have
you, your friends and your family. Take this time apart to do more with your
friends and family. Go to the gym more often. Get a new hobby. Binge-watch
shows. There are plenty of things for you to do that doesnt involve your
partner.

12. Stay honest with each other.

Talk about your feelings of fear, insecurity, jealousy, apathy, whatsoever. If

you try to hide anything from your partner, that secret will sooner or later
swallow you up from inside out. Dont try to deal with things all by yourself.
Be open and honest with each other. Let your partner help you and give you
the support you need. its better to look at the problem during its initial
stage than to only disclose it when its all too late.

13. Know each others schedules.

Its helpful to know when the other person is busy and when he/she is free,
so that you can drop a text or make a call at the right time. You wouldnt
want to disturb your partner when he/she is in the middle of class or halfway
through a business meeting. Know the small and big events that are taking
place or will take place in each others life e.g. college mid-terms and
exams, important business trips and meetings, job interviews and etc. This
is especially essential when the both of you are living in different time
zones.

14. Keep track of each others social media activities.

Like each others photos on Facebook and Instagram. Tweet each other. Tag
each other. Share things on each others walls. Show that you care. Be cool
about stalking each other.

15. Gift a personal object for the other person to hold on to.

There is power in a memento. Be it a small pendent, a ring, a keychain, a CD

of songs and videos, or a bottle of fragrance. We often attach meanings to
the little things and items found in our everyday life, whether knowingly or
not. This is what we all do we try to store memories in physical things, in
hope that when our mind fails us, we can look or hold on to something that
will help us remember. This is why something so simple can mean so much
to a person, when others may see little or no value in it.

16. Get a good messaging app.

This is extremely important because texting is the most frequent and

common way of communication the two of you have. You need a good
messaging app on your phones that allow interactions beyond just words
and emoticons.

Personally, I use this messaging app called LINE. I find it highly effective
because it has a huge reserve of playful and very funny stickers that are
free for its users to use. You can also go to the apps Sticker Shop to
download extra stickers of different themes (e.g. Hello Kitty, Pokemon,
Snoopy, MARVEL and etc.) at a low price. From time to time, the app also
gives out free sticker sets for different promotions. This messaging app is
cute and easy to learn to use.

17. Snail-mail it!

Mail each other postcards and hand-written love letters. Send each other
gifts across the globe from time to time. Flower deliveries on birthdays,
anniversaries and Valentines Day. Shop online and surprise each other with
cool T-shirts, sexy underwears and such.

18. Stay positive.

You need to be constantly injecting positive energy into the long distance
relationship to keep it alive. Yes, the waiting can be painful and you can
sometimes feel lonesome but you need to remind yourself that the fruits at
the end will be sweet as heaven. One good trick to staying positive is to be
grateful all the time. Be thankful that you have someone to love someone
who also loves you back. Be thankful for the little things, like the hand-made
letter that arrived safely in your mailbox the other day. Be thankful for each
others health and safety.

19. Keep each other updated on each others friends and family.

Because gossips and scandals are always the best things to go on and on
about.

20. Video-call whenever possible.

Because looking into each others eyes and hearing each others voices can
make everything feel alright again.

21. Give each other pet names.

Because its cute. It keeps the lovey-dovey going.

Long Distance Relationship Tips #1: Use this time to get to know your
partner well

The biggest benefit of being in a LDR is that it forces you to communicate.

You may never again in the course of your relationship have this much
focused time and energy to spend communicating with your partner. Make
the most of it. If you get to know them deeply and well, that will pay off big-
time in the long run.

2. Start slow, especially if you havent met yet

Dont bare all too soon (literally or figuratively)! When you meet long
distance it can be easy to jump in the deep end and move too fast in your
new relationship. During the early days (the first couple of months, at least)
dont rush into vulnerability, set a pattern of talking for hours every day, or
make serious commitments.

4. Set up healthy communication patterns early

When youre trying to figure out how to make a long distance relationship
work, talk about how you talk. Discuss some of your communication basics
as a couplehow you generally prefer to connect (phone, VoIP, text), what
times, and for how long. This can help set realistic expectations and avoid
some miscommunications, frustration, and anxiety.

5. Prioritize talking with each other

It can take real effort to rearrange schedules and make time to talk,
especially when things get busy or there is a time difference involved.
However, if you cant consistently make talking with your partner a priority,
reconsider whether you should be in the relationship.

6. Give each other some virtual space

Talking to your partner should be a priority, but not your onlypriority. Dont
spend all your spare time talking or texting. In addition, dont expect your
partner to respond straight away to every text you send or message you
leave.

7. Be open, honest, and real in your communication

When youre in a long distance relationship its easier to hide your

weaknesses and put your best foot forward. Unless you both value
transparency and honesty more than making a good impression, you will
have a much more difficult time figuring out whether you and your partner
are a good fit for each other.

8. Learn to ask good questions and listen well

Communication is the bedrock of any relationship, but when youre in an

LDR, talking is often all you have. Learn to listen carefully to your partner
and ask good questions questions that make them think and help you
understand them better.

9. Find new things to talk about

Most couples in a LDR will go through periods where they struggle to find
things to talk about apart from how their day was. When these seasons hit,
put a bit more effort into finding new and fresh things to discuss (or make it
easy on yourself and check out the book below).

10. Dont avoid the tough questions

Especially are your relationship deepens, dont avoid topics and questions
that could lead to uncomfortable conversations. Practice asking questions
that make you feel vulnerable. Be willing to be transparent. If youre in a
committed relationship you should be able to talk about everything.

11. Get creative about connecting (and by creative I dont mean naked)

You can share new experiences and build memories together even while
youre far apart. Talking to each other is great, but make that extra effort
sometimes to try something new or go on a long distance date.

12. Read, listen to, or watch the same things

Its easier to figure out how to make a long distance relationship work if you
share some common interests. So recommend books, articles, podcasts,
music, movies, news items, etc to each other. If you can read or listen to
some of the same things, that will help you share experiences and give you
new things to talk about.

13. Write to each other sometimes

Heres one of my favorite long distance relationship tips: If you only ever
talk to each other, try writing letters or long emails sometimes. When you
write, you can think and express yourself differently than you do when
youre talking. Writing gives you more time and space to reflect on tricky
issues, and letters and emails can become treasured keepsakes (or maybe
even a book) in the future.

14. Discuss how you deal with pressure

Sometime when youre not tired and stressed, talk about how each of you
typically acts and reacts when you are stressed and tired. Tell your partner
how they can best help you during those times. Ask your partner to share
these things with you, too.

15. Learn more about how you both approach conflict

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but being in a long distance

relationship makes managing conflict well even more difficult. If you want to
know how to make a long distance relationship work, learn some basic
conflict-management strategies and discuss them with your
partner before you find yourself mid-fight.

16. Discuss your big disagreements in person

Never try to hash out relationship issues via text message theres too
much room for misunderstanding. If possible, save your serious
disagreements for when you can talk them out in person.

17. Learn to recognize and control your own emotions

Long distance relationships often involve intense emotions and extreme ups
and downs. There are times of intense loneliness, uncertainty, doubts, and
fear. There are also times of extreme excitement, joy, and incandescent
happiness. Learning to recognize, own, and manage your own emotions will
pay off big timenow and in the future.

18. Learn to control any jealousy

Feeling a little jealous now and again is not unusual in a long distance
relationship. However, uncontrolled jealousy can lead to a destructive
combination of suspicion, possessiveness, insecurity, anger, and shame. If
youre feeling jealous, figure out how to control your jealousy before it
starts to control you. Its not easy, but it can be done.

19. Dont stonewall (and dont passively allow your partner to give you the
silent treatment)

Stonewalling is using silence as a weapon or an escape. It is controlling the

situation by simply refusing to engage. Distance makes this particularly
easy to do (hanging up or not answering or returning calls), and it can drive
your long distance partner crazy with frustration, second-guessing, and self-
doubt.
20. Practice taking your partners perspective

Try to see things from their point of view, especially if youre having a
difference of opinions. If you find yourself really stuck on something, you
can even switch viewpoints and try to argue from the other persons
perspective!

21. Talk honestly about money

If finances are tight, money can become a major source of resentment

especially if finances are keeping you apart, traveling to see each other is
expensive, and/or one partner has to spend a lot more money than the
other to keep the relationship going. Tackling this hot topic directly can help
avoid assumptions and conflict.

22. Figure out the best, low-cost way to connect

Figure out the best low-cost way to communicate so that youre not worrying
about the money when youre talking (cell phone plan, Skype, etc).

23. Learn what your different love languages are and practice speaking
them

People tend to speak and understand love best through their primary love
language(s). Do you know what your primary love language is? Do you know
how to speak your partners?

24. Build your love maps

Your love map is your mental network of information about your partner
their interests, stories, what makes them tick, and things you love and
admire about them. The more positive memories and associations you build
into this love map, the stronger your relationship will be over time.

25. Discuss the ground rules of your relationship

Trust is a major issue for many LDR couples. Discuss your status as a
couple, expectations around how you act when youre apart, and what
constitutes commitment or cheating. Talking about these things (and
any growing feelings of jealousy or unease) can save you a lot of heartache
and conflict in the long run.

26. Laugh together

Its great to talk about the deep stuff, but make sure you keep it light
sometimes, too. Share things with each other that have made you laugh.

27. Surprise your partner every so often with something thoughtful

Everyone loves getting a present, a bunch of flowers, or a handwritten letter

in the mail. Every so often, go the extra mile and do something extra and
special to help your partner feel loved and valued. Bonus points if the
gesture is uber-thoughtful.

28. Keep your partner on your mind

Weve all heard the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder but its
also true that absence can make the mind go wander. Make sure you have
some reminders of your partner aroundperhaps put their photo on your
desktop or tape it to your mirror, drink out a coffee mug they gave you the
possibilities are endless.

29. Help your long distance partner connect with your friends and family

If youre in a long-distance relationship, especially if its one that begins with

you meeting online, the vital influences of family and friends are often
missing. Find a way to involve and connect your partner with some of the
other important relationships in your life.

30. Figure out what works for you when it comes to coping with distance

Everyone is different, and so is every relationship. Everyone has different

tips and tricks that help them cope better with the ups and downs that come
with being in a long distance relationship. Figure out what works for you,
then do it.

31. Have some interests outside your LDR

Dont spend all your spare time on Skype or your phone. Build a life where
you are. Do things that make you fitter, smarter, and happier. Do things that
interest you. Do these things alone, if need be. Remember, investing in
yourself is another way of investing in your most important relationship.
Start now.

32. Invest in other important relationships

Similarly, If you focus all your free time and energy on your long distance
love, your relationships with those close to you will suffer. In a nutshell: this
is bad news. You will be happier and healthier in life if you have a strong
network of friends beyond your partner. To do that, you need to spend time
connecting with them.

33. Avoid situations where you may be tempted to cheat

Dont put yourself in situations that will lead to extra temptation to cheat!
Dont start hanging out alone every weekend with the same attractive co-
worker. Dont go out to bars with your friends and drink a lot if you know
that you get extra flirty after a few. Bottom line? Know yourself. Know your
limits, and then stay a couple of steps away from those limits.

34. Visit often

Visit each other as often as you can without over-stretching your budgets
and schedules. Spending time together in person will help you learn new
things about your partner and remind you of why being in the long distance
relationship is worth it.

35. Plan ahead for your next visit(s)

Try to keep a visit scheduled. Even if its a couple of months away, knowing
when youll next see each other and having a date to count down to will
help.

36. Aim for balanced visits

I know its tempting, but when you DO get to see each other, dont spend
the whole visit cuddling on the couch (or in bed). Make sure you get out and
do something funhang with other friends, try a new restaurant, etc. Also try
to mix in some normal life such as grocery shopping and cooking together.

37. Manage goodbyes in ways that minimize pain

Lets be honest, goodbyes suck when youre in a LDR. You can, however,
learn to say goodbye in ways that work for you (or, at least, work better).

38. Treat yourself gently after farewells

Saying goodbye to the one you love when itll be weeks or months before
you see them again is brutal. Plan ahead for how to best treat or support
yourself during the first day or two after a visit ends.

39. Plan ahead for periodic separations

Many couples nowadays do periodic stints of long distance. One way to

reduce the stress of all that coming and going is to plan ahead together for
ways to reduce the burden on the stay-at-home partner during your times
apart. Spending some time on logistics before you leave will help them
during your absence.

40. Make a game plan for times you feel extra-lonely or sad

Everyone has days when they feel extra-sad or lonely. Plan ahead and know
what might help you (and what definitely wont help you) during those
times. It may not be very wise, for example, to go hang out with an
attractive friend at a dance club on a night when you really really want to be
holding your partner close.

41. Practice trusting

Being apart from the person you love makes everyone feel insecure at
times. You can start to doubt everything from how your partner feels about
you, to whether they are staying faithful. But unless your partner has given
you reason not to trust them, take a deep breath and choose to trust!
42. When something doesnt seem right, pay attention

Dont embrace trust so wholeheartedly that you ignore or miss the signs
that something is seriously wrong. Being in a LDR can prolong a relationship
that isnt meant to be. Distance also provides more opportunities for
deception. Dont ignore your instincts if you sense something just isnt right.

Check out

I am asked more questions about cheating and trust than anything else. So
many, in fact, I decided to write a book for you guys. So check out the
handy book below.

43. Set a move-by date

If you really want to know how to make a long distance relationship work
look beyond being long distance! Research shows that LDRs have a better
chance of working if theres an end date in sight. Dont rush into discussions
(or decisions) about moving. Before too long, however, do start talking
about how and when you might be able to close the gap.

44. Consider getting counseling

If youre feeling stuck about whether or how your relationship has a future,
having a good therapist ask questions and help you think things through can
only help. Counseling can also help you address and resolve issues related
to jealousy, trust, insecurity, and some of the blind spots that can develop
when youre in a LDR

45. Is someone moving? Recognize that this major transition will have ups,
downs, and bumps along the way

Same-city living will usher in a whole new phase in your relationship. Think
and talk together about ways to ease the stress of this major transition. Take
it slow and recognize you may both need some extra time and space as you
negotiate learning (or re-learning) how to share your space and lives up
close and personal.

46. Be prepared to learn new things when youre finally together

You can learn so much about someone when youre in a long distance
relationship. In many ways, you can get to know someone more quickly and
deeply when youre communicating across distance. However, there are
certain things you just cant learn about someone when youre in an LDR. Be
prepared to keep learning new things about your partner when youre finally
living together.

Check out

5 Things You Cant Learn About Someone In A Long Distance Relationship

47. Ignore the hatersthey just have no idea how to make a long distance
relationship work

Lots of people say LDRs cant work. Theyre wrong. Maybe an LDR couldnt
work for them, or maybe they just have no idea what theyre talking about.
Dont listen to them. Plenty of LDRs work out in the long run, and many
couples credit the time they spent in an LDR for teaching them invaluable
relationship skills.

Long distance relationships are the worst. Is he/she worth waiting for? Are
they feeling the same way I do? Am I kidding myself thinking this can
work? Would I be better off dating the mailman instead? At least he comes
to my house every day. Does my girlfriend even exist or is this just a
Nigerian guy conducting an elaborate credit card scam?

I get it. Ive been there. Long distance relationships suck. Theres no way
around it. In all of my years Ive never met someone who has said, Yeah,
my boyfriend lives in Finland, its great! On the contrary, everyone Ive met
in a long distance relationship can relate to the slow agonizing feeling that
takes place over months or even years that feeling that your heart is
slowly being carved out by a butter knife and replaced with Skype calls and
open chat windows.

All three of my significant relationships have involved long distance in some

way. As a young man who was terrified of any sort of commitment
whatsoever, I found that I could only allow myself to fall for a girl if she was
at least 500 miles away.1 The first one, we both genuinely tried to make it
work, but things fell apart spectacularly. The second one we both agreed
that our lives were taking us to different parts of the world and we were
probably better off letting it go. The third, we immediately made plans to
end the distance as soon as possible and then did.2

So I guess what Im saying is, Ive seen both sides of the long distance
relationship coin. Ive seen them implode and Ive seen them fizzle out. Ive
seen them be worth the pain and loneliness and also reach the moment of
needing to let go.

When it comes to surviving the distance, heres what Ive learned is most
important:

1. ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO TOGETHER

What kills long distance relationships is the constant underlying uncertainty

to everything. Is this all worth it? Does she still feel the same way about
me as she did before? Is he secretly meeting other girls without me
knowing? Am I kidding myself with all of this? Maybe were horrible for
each other and I dont know it.

The longer you two are apart, the more these uncertainties will fester and
grow into legitimate existential crises.
Thats why when making any long distance relationship work its necessary
to always have some date that you are both waiting for. Usually, this will be
the next time you are both able to see each other. But it can be other major
life moments as well applying for jobs in the other persons city, looking
at apartments together, a vacation together, and so on.

The minute you stop having some milestone to look forward to together,
youll be stuck in emotional limbo. One thing that is true about all
relationships is that if theyre not growing, then theyre dying. And this is
more important than ever in long distance relationships. You must be
evolving towards something. You must both have a converging trajectory on
some point on the horizon. Otherwise you will inevitably drift apart.

2. BE SLOW TO JUDGE

A funny thing happens to humans psychologically when were separated

from one another. Were not able to see each other as we truly are. When
were apart from one another or have limited exposure to a person or event,
we start to make all sorts of assumptions or judgments that are usually
exaggerated or untrue.3

This can manifest itself in various ways within a long distance relationship.
In some cases, people get insanely jealous or irrationally possessive of their
partner because they perceive every casual social outing without them as
potentially threatening to their relationship. They become paranoid, asking
who the fuck is Dan, tell me who the fuck this Dan guy is, and why is he
writing on your Facebook wall oh, hes your stepbrother? I didnt know
you had a stepbrother. Why didnt you tell me you had a stepbrother, are
you hiding something from me? OK, maybe I wasnt listening when you told
me, but I still dont want you hanging out with Dan, got it?

Other people become extremely critical and neurotic that every small thing
that goes wrong is an end to the relationship. Like if the power goes out and
their partner misses their nightly Skype call, they sit there thinking to
themselves that this is it, the relationships over, he finally forgot about me.

Other people go the other direction and start idealizing their partner as
being perfect in a bunch of ways that theyre actually not. After all, if your
partner isnt in front of you all day every day, its easy to forget all of the
little obnoxious parts of their personality and just imagine how perfect they
must be.

All of these irrational fantasies are unhelpful.4 And when stuck in a long
distance scenario, its important to distrust many of your own judgments
and inclinations to a certain degree. Remind yourself that you really dont
know whats going on and the best thing you can do at any moment is
simply ask your partner.

3. MAKE COMMUNICATION OPTIONAL

A lot of long distance couples create rules or expectations that they should
have X number of calls or that they need to talk every night at a certain
time. You can even find some articles online recommending this sort of
behavior.

It may work for some people, but Ive always found that communication
should happen organically and unconditionally. You talk to each other when
you want to, not because you have to. And if that means going 1-2 days
without communicating, then so be it. People get busy, after all. And
periodically having a few days to yourself is actually pretty healthy, Id say.

When you force communication, two things can happen. The first is that
when you inevitably hit days that you dont have much to talk about (or
dont feel like talking), youll half ass it and fill your communication with a
bunch of filler. Great, now youre half-assing your relationship and spending
time with your partner not because you want to but because you feel
obligated. Welcome to every shitty marriage ever.

This half-assed communication often creates more problems than it solves.

Like, if your partner seems more interested in his tax returns than catching
up with you, chances are you should just hang up and try again in a couple
days. There is such a thing as overexposure.

The second problem that can happen from forcing communication is that
one or both people can begin to resent feeling obligated to the other person
all of the time. This resentment then sparks stupid fights which almost
always devolve into some form of, Im sacrificing more than you are! No,
Im sacrificing more than you are!

These arguments never lead to anywhere useful.

The best way to go is to make all communication optional. Both of you

can opt out at any time. The trick is to not take these opt outs personally
when they happen. Understand that your partner is a fully individual human
being outside of their relationship with you, and that to be happy they often
need to attend to other things.

Doing this requires something called trust. Its a novel concept. But you
should try it out sometime.

4. MAKE SURE THE DISTANCE IS TEMPORARY

A long distance relationship cannot survive without hope. And for there to
be hope, there must be some possibility that you two will one day be
together and achieve your Happily Ever After.

Without that shared vision of Happily Ever After, everything else will quickly
begin to feel meaningless.

Remember, love is not enough. You both need to have life visions that are
aligned, shared values and mutual interests. If shes taking a 10-year
contract working for the Singaporean government, and he makes a career
dogsledding around the polar ice caps, well, then theres not much hope for
that relationship, no matter how much they may love each other.

Not only must there be some shared vision of a possible future for you
together, but you both must also feel as though youre working toward that
vision. If hes in Los Angeles and youre in New York, nothing will kill the
relationship faster than applying for jobs in London and Hong Kong.

In my second relationship, my girlfriend took a job working in Africa.

Meanwhile, I toiled away in the US with no money trying to get my first
internet business off the ground. All hope for making it work was removed
from the equation and we soon broke up.

My current girlfriend is Brazilian. We began dating while I was living there in

2012. I left after a few months and we kept in touch. Both of us were battle-
worn veterans of failed long distance relationships, and one of our first
conversations was that if we didnt feel that there was a possibility of us
living in the same city again within a year, then there was no point in
keeping in touch.

Obviously, this wasnt an easy conversation to have. But we had it because

we both knew it was necessary if we were going to continue.

Six months later, I made the commitment to move back down to Brazil and
stay there with her until we could figure other plans out.

Long distance relationships can only work if both partners put their money
where their genitals are. OK, that sounded weird, but what I mean, is that
you have to make the logistical, life-rearranging commitment to one another
for them to have any chance of working. Paradoxically, you end up with this
weird dynamic where long distance relationships force you to make much
more significant commitments to a person who youve had far less exposure
to. Its like buying a car when youve only seen one picture of it.

Is it worth it? This is the question I get most often from readers. On one
level, yes, its always worth it. Because even if the relationship goes down
like a Malaysian Airlines flight,5 you will have learned a lot about yourself,
about intimacy, and about commitment in the process.

On another level, its hard to tell. Because when youre stuck in a long
distance relationship, you dont really know what its like to date the other
person. You only have this halfway, vague idea of what its like.

Sure, you know their personality and their attractive qualities. But you dont
know the reality. You dont know each others ticks. How she avoids eye
contact when shes sad. The way he leaves a mess in the bathroom and
then denies making it. How shes always late to important events. The way
he makes excuses for his mothers unacceptable behavior. Her tendency to
talk through movies. His tendency to get easily offended at comments about
his appearance. And so on.

You dont get a sense for the actual relationship until youre there, in person,
and in each others faces non-stop, whether you want to be or not. This is
where true intimacy exists. In the constricted personal space between two
people who have spent way, way, way too much time around each other.
This intimacy is sometimes dispassionate. Its sometimes obnoxious. Its
sometimes unpleasant. But its capital-R Real. And its what determines if a
relationship will last or not.

Distance prevents this constricted intimacy from ever forming in a

meaningful way. When were apart its too easy to idealize and romanticize
each other. Its too easy to overlook the mundane, yet important
differences. Its too easy to get caught up in the drama of our minds instead
of the calm and boring truths of our hearts.

Can it work? Yes, it can. Does it work? Usually, no. But then again, thats
true for the vast majority of relationships.6 And it doesnt mean we
shouldnt ever at least try.

HOW CAN YOU HAVE HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIPS?

Relationships can be complicated and difficult. But few people know that
there are some pretty clear signals to know if a relationship is going to work
or not. Put your email in the form to receive my 29-page ebook on healthy
relationships. No spam. I promise.

10 Ways to Make a Long-Distance Love Relationship Work

10. Appreciate the unreliability of communication across distance.

As I discussed in my last post, developing a long-distance romantic

relationship brings both challenges and opportunities. In my own
transatlantic romance, which began 20 years ago and has seen 16 years of
married joy, I initially worried that I was doing it all wrong, continuing to do
it all wrong, and incapable of doing it right.

A book offering guidance to single women, The Rules, was published shortly
after David and I began our love affair. Constitutionally incapable of
manipulating or lying, I wondered if my precious new relationship was in
danger of imminent collapse due to insufficient drama and mystery. Luckily,
the straightforward route that we took led to firm foundations, sanity, and
safety.

Based on my experience, here are 10 tips for making a long-distance

relationship work.

1. Appreciate that your individual reactions differ.

Any two people have different levels of comfort with emotional and
geographical closenessand distance. Observe what experiences amplify or
dilute those feelings for each of you, and how you respond to varying
thresholds and triggers. Even more useful, learn to appreciate the ways in
which your respective coping styles are different. One person may want to
deny and distract, pretending that the limitations imposed by distance are
illusory or at least easily transcended through phone or electronic contact.
The other may need to analyze, label, and discuss the thoughts and feelings
associated with separation and reconnection.

2. Distinguish among different kinds of closenessmental, emotional,

cultural, spiritual, as well as physicaland explore ways to increase each of
them.

While physical contact may be the cement of the relationship, it is simply

not available when you are apart. Try sharing a book or movie or solving a
puzzle together (mental), reacting to the events of your days or those
coming up in the future (emotional), discussing current events in your
respective locations (cultural), or sharing the seemingly strange
synchronistic things that happen to each of you during the course of a the
time when you are apart, permitting opportunities for gratitude, generosity,
and making the world a better place (spiritual).

3. Recognize and then tune into moments during separations that bring
positive emotionsa welcome surprise, a feeling of delight, a warm smile,
the tingle of excitement, or the release of laughter.

Keep ways to foster these moments on your radar, imagining your lovers
reactions when you share them through phone or electronic means. Trust
the impact of an unexpected pleasure arriving by snail mail and use it to
contact each other from time to time. Affixing an interesting stamp can add
to the pleasure.

4. Appreciate the benefits of different time zones.

They can strengthen the positive aspects of anticipation and can bring
reassurance that one can indeed delay gratification. Thus the difference in
time zones can help you develop patience and perspective, limit impulsivity
and an unnecessary sense of urgency, and thus fortify reflection and foster
deliberate choices.

5. Trusting each other during separations becomes critical.

Agreements about what behaviors are and are not OK when personal
contact is not possible for extended periods need to be worked out. And
those agreements need to be honored, with concerns about them ironed out
as each agreement becomes explicit. Each of you must be aware that
violating an agreement has consequences for the integrity of the
relationship, and that violations require repairs.
6. Rituals can help in disconnecting and reconnecting.

Pretending that leaving one another is easy (or hard) injects a note of
dishonesty into the relationshipand the foundation of trust built on
honesty is particularly important in long-distance romantic relationships.
Simplebut meaningfulways of saying goodbye and hello again can
help ease the transition between together and separate time. Rituals can
comfort. Even my dog, Luke, understood that as soon as he saw my
husband, David, again, a long walk on the beach was on the near horizon.
(Luke also understood that luggage meant David was leaving. With each
departure Luke became more and more depressed.)

7. Recognize crises and the fact that they call for a different style of
response.

At the same time, be wary of cries of wolf. Ideally, a need to feel closer
can be acknowledged in words and talked about, rather than acted out
through creation of an urgency that does not really exist. While a calamity
may require an appropriate emergency response, those events that can be
addressed more leisurely, reflectively, should be dealt with calmly and
creatively. In other words, do not manipulate; speak up instead.

8. Create a couple identity.

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Because both partners are embedded in different cultures, the third identity
that of the couplebecomes essential both internally, as psychic space is
created to acknowledge that the couple itself needs some domains of
priority, and externally, to help friends and family accept the expansion of
their loved ones world. Lovers need to develop interests and activities that
can nourish the relationship as well as each other, both when they are
together and when they are apart. This requires time, experimentation, and
clocking time together doing them. Initially, the young we can feel like a
greedy monster, eager to suck any bit of history or childhood pleasure into
its orb. Gradually, however, people sort out what feeds the relationship
going forward, fostering the development and pursuit of shared dreams and
helping meet the needs of the couple. Only with a common identity can the
couple, together, ask what is best for the relationship rather than tussle
about what might be preferred by one or the other.

As joint passions emerge, they can be shared by reading the same books,
watching the same movie in a similar timeframe, sharing stories of local
celebrations that you would have attended together if you could have, or
discussing news about friends who are now common to you both.
Exchanging smiles through humor or familiar music, learning more about a
partners interest that had become your own, and honoring the intimacy of
daily events can all help create a shared identity.

9. Appreciate differences in cultural contexts.

Where people live, where they spend much of their time, and the people,
places and activities that fill their lives are meaningful and important. The
surroundings in which we are embedded create unconscious forces that
define everything from acceptable to forbidden, success to
failure, always to never. The nudges created by these invisible forces
can be as simple as an enhanced acceptance of sexuality in a culture that
features provocative lingerie ads in bus stops to a restriction on expressing
physical affection in an airport that has laws against it. Be mindful of
cultural differences and respectful of them.

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10. Appreciate the unreliability of communication across distance.

Check and recheck the meaning of words to the other when you need to rely
exclusively on words. Messages that are quickly typed, texted, left on an
answering machine, or even carefully handwritten, still contain only words.
Making assumptions about meaning can be dangerous, especially when a
new partner assumes that he or she understands what the other intends.
That expectation can miss the mark by miles. Until each member of the
couple is certain that he or she is reliably understood, pause and remind
yourself that you dont necessarily understand and then check, check, and
recheck. Asking, even more than once, is safer than assuming and getting it
wrong.

For me, the blessings of the long-distance years far outweighed their
annoyances. Because we were inevitably immersed in the current moment
when we were together, the time apart allowed us to reflect upon who we
were, both separately and as a couple, how we were, where we seemed to
be headed, and where we might want to go.

The time apart forced us to fine-tune our patience and gratitude muscles
and to look at ourselves and at each other, not only as we were in each
others eyes, but as we appeared in our own. Best of all, it reminded us that
the reason we were together was because we loved being with each
other. The content of the time we spent together might evolve, definitions of
play changing along with our capabilities, preferences and resources, but
our commitment to bringing as much joy as possible to each other has
sustained us through the years.

Compassion, concrete help, understanding, appreciation, and the pleasures

of learning and doing together have watered and fertilized our fledging
seeds and now sustain us. We rarely miss an opportunity to watch a sunset,
enjoy Vivaldis Four Seasons, savor whatever either of us has come up with
for dinner, smile at a grandchilds discovery (or one of our own), or touch
each other in reassuring ways. Without the distance, our romance might
have imploded with its own intensity, consumed in flames like the final
scene in Like Water for Chocolate. The external regulation imposed by living
an ocean apart helped us lay firm foundations, enabling us to discover each
other along with ways to love and be loved.

Wishing you bon voyage.