by DR.

Bilal Philips

The Fundamental Goal of Raising Muslim Children as

distinct from merely raising children is Raising Righteous
Muslims.

arents should have high goals and expectations for their children. For true
Muslims, the highest possible goal and expectation is Paradise. The Prophet
() was reported by Aboo Hurayrah to have promised Paradise for the child raised
a righteous Muslim, saying:

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Seven will be shaded by Allaah in His shade on a day when there will be no shade
besides His shade; a just ruler and a youth who grows up worshipping Allaah1
Most peoples high expectations of their children are focused on the dunyaa (such
as a medical degree, an engineering or a law degree, etc.). These goals are fine
from an academic and vocational perspective and they are needed by the Muslim
community for its healthy survival. However, they should not take precedence
over the primary goal in the life of the Muslim; Paradise in the life to come. Thus,
parents should desire for themselves and their children Paradise, as Allaah said:

And for those who believe and whose offspring follow them in faith, I will join their
offspring with them, and I will not decrease their rewards in any way.
(Soorat at-Toor, 52: 21)

1
Sahih Al Bukhari, vol. , p. , no. , Kitaab: Zakaah Baab: Sadaqah bil yameen. The complete hadeeth is as follows:




Everlasting gardens of Paradise in which they will enter, and also their righteous
parents, wives and offspring. (Soorat ar-Rad, 13:23)

1st Habit : Taqwaa (Piety)

It is the right of children that their parents be righteous.

hen should Islamic upbringing begin? Tarbiyah starts before the child
is born, and continue from the time of birth (A student once asked his
teacher about raising his child who was one year old at the time, and he replied,
You have already missed the boat.)
Parents desiring to raise righteous children should themselves be righteous. The
must work on themselves, their relationship with Allaah, their knowledge, their
character, and so on and so forth. This Habit does not refer to the principle of
being a good example (That is Habit number three). This Habit refers to the
principle that if people are themselves righteous, Allaah will make their children
righteous (among the fruits of taqwaa). For example, in the Quraanic story of
Moosaa and Khidr, when Khidr explained that he rebuilt the wall because Allaah
wanted him to protect a treasure left for two orphans that was beneath the wall,
he added:

And their father was a righteous man. (Soorah al-Kahf,18: 82)2
Some of the early scholars used to tell their children, Indeed I make extra formal
prayers (i.e. nawaafil) for your sake, then they used to recite the verse, And
their father was a righteous man.
Thus, parents must be sure that their own aqeedah is correct, and that they have
a close relationship with Allaah. Then they must put this aqeedah into practice.
2
And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town; and there was under it a treasure
belonging to them; and their father was a righteous man, and your Lord intended that they should attain their
age of full strength and take out their treasure as a mercy from your Lord. And I did them not of my own
accord. That is the interpretation of those (things) over which you could not hold patience.

For example, Muslims know that Allaah is ar-Razzaaq, the Provider, therefore,
they should seek their provisions through halaal sources and leave the outcome to
Allaah. However, what happens today is that earning ones livelyhood (rizq) becomes the main focus in life, so people put all their energies into it at the expense
of their children and their religion.
Consequently, many Muslims today either deal in ribaa, or migrate to non-Muslim countries to ensure their childrens future, etc. In many cases, the priority
becomes making money and saving it and they forget about Allaah. They do
nothing for the pleasure of Allaah. In the better cases, they just do their five daily
prayers, and no more. No! The way to ensure their future in both the dunyaa and
the deen is to have taqwaa.

And whoever fears Allaah, then Allaah will make a way out for him and provide
for Him from places he never imagined. And whoever trusts in Allaah will find Him
sufficient. (Soorah at-Talaaq, 65: 2-3)
Parents must practice the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad () and not practice any
bidah for all innovation is misguidance leading to the Hellfire. In general, bidah
is a Satanic short-cut, whereby the unrighteous believe they can gain the ultimate
rewards without having to make the effort. Prayer to saints guarantee results in
the eyes of the ignorants which prayers to Allaah cannot attain.
Parents must also keep away from sins. The ends do not justify the means. And
they must beware of the little insignificant sins, as the Prophet () was reported by
Sahl ibn Sad to have said:

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Beware of the scorned sins. They are like a people who camp in the bottom of a valley and one comes with a twig, and another with a twig until they made a bonfire to
bake their bread. Indeed scorned sins whenever they are adopted, they destroy those
who do them.3

2nd Habit: Duaa

It is the right of children that their Parents pray for them.

Allaah describes Ibaadur-Rahmaan as making the following duaa:

O our Lord! Grant us from our spouses and children a coolness to our eyes.
(Soorah al-Furqaan, 25: 74)
This was the way of the prophets, whose prayers Allaah described as an example
to humanity. The Almighty related that Zakariyyaa prayed:

O my Lord! Grant me from Yourself, a good offspring. You are indeed the All-Hearer of invocation. (Soorah Aal Imraan, 3: 38)

So give me from Yourself an heir, who will inherit me and the offspring of Jacob,
and make him, my Lord, one with whom You are well-pleased. (Soorah Maryam,
19: 5-6)
Then Allaah describes Yahyaa son of Zakariyyaa as follows:

*
3 Musnad Ahmad, CD no. 21743


(I made him) compassionate and pure from sins, and he was rightous and dutiful
toward his parents; he was neither arrogant nor disobedient. (19: 13-4)
Sincere duaa, must be made from the bottom of our hearts. Sincere duaa is made
with a sense of certainty that it will be answered, as Aboo Hurayrah related that
the Prophet () said:

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Call on Allaah being certain that your prayers will be answered. But know that
Allaah doesnt answer the prayers of a negligent playful heart.4
Furthermore, sincere duaa will only be accepted from the righteous, as the
Prophet () explained in the following hadeeth:
Aboo Hurayrah quoted Allaahs Messenger () as saying: O people! Indeed Allah
is Good and Pure and He only accepts what is good and pure. Indeed Allah has
commanded the believers to do what He commanded the Messengers. Then he
recited:

O Messengers! Eat from the good things and do righteous deeds. Indeed! I am
Well-Acquainted with whatever you do. (Soorah al-Muminoon, 23: 51)
And he recited:

4 Sunan at-Tirmithee,


O you who believe! Eat from the good things that I have provided for you.
(Soorah al-Baqarah, 2: 172)
Then he mentioned: Like a man on a long journey whose hair was dishevelled
and dusty raising his hands up to the sky saying, O my Lord! O my Lord! But
his place of eating was haraam, his place of drinking was haraam, his clothing
was haraam, and he was fed with haraam. How could his prayers be answered as
a result of that?5
Choosing a good name for the child is a part of the habit of duaa for the child
by which parents hope for righteous offspring, as the names should reflect good
characteristics or they should be names of righteous.

3rd Habit: Example

(This may be the hardest habit to develop!)

It is the right of children that their parents be good

examples to them.

ost people interviewed felt that example is at least one half of proper upbringing. RELIGIOSITY AND CHARACTER PLAY A MAJOR ROLE
HERE. One cannot get away with telling children to do things which you dont
do. Do as I say, not as I do. If the mother is modest, shy, in hijaab, the daughters
will be. If mother is gentle, the children will be gentle. If children see the mother
exert herself to worship Allaah, they will want to copy her. If she yells and screams
and hits, they will do the same. If she controls her anger, so will the children. If
parents (esp. the mother) are not affectionate, kind, compassionate, merciful, the
children will not be. If the mother backbites, so will the child. If the mother lies,
so will child. (Often, parents teach children how to lie. For example, if someone
calls whom they do not wish to speak to, they tell the children: Tell them Im
5 Sahih Muslim, vol, p., no. , Kitaab: Zakaah; Baab: Qabool sadaqah minal kasb at tayyib.

not here. Or the mother may tell the children to hide certain things from the
father, etc.
Parents should try to make themselves of the best possible character; because
character is something which can mostly be learned by example. Make the Prophetic duaa for beginning formal prayers:

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O Allaah, guide me to the best of manners, for no one can guide to the best of them
except You. And take away from me the worst of manners, for surely none can keep
the worst of it away from me except You.6
Famous Arabic saying, Faaqidush-shay laa yuteeh; One who is lacking a thing
cannot give it.
Parents should want their children to know real Islaam which might seem strange,
due to the many non-Islamic influences in the outer world. Therefore they should
want to be the strongest influence in their childrens lives (Tawheed minhaj at-TaSahih Muslim, vol. , p. , no. , Kitaab: ; Baab: . The complete text is as follow:

laqqee). This is amongst strongest methods Prophet Muhammad () used in raising the generation of the sahaabah. When he arrived at Madeenah, taught them
from the very beginning not to take from anyone other than himself.
How to be the strongest influence and eliminate other influences:

4th Habit: Attachment Parenting from

the very beginning

It is the right of children that they be loved

a. breastfeeding (on demand, etc.), bed with you, physical contact, love,
mercy (vs. putting them in crib to cry to train them), etc.
b. scientifically proven that first five years are most crucial in forming future
personality; most of problems as teens come from early childhood; need
love to help stabilize their characters. B/c 1st five years fundamental in
building future character, so (my theory) is to keep them as close to you
as possible during this time, and eliminate as many outside influences as
possible during this time (if you can, homeschool).
c. Love and guide as much as possible (physical affection)
d. Quality time and personal attention: spend quality time playing with
them, talking to them, etc.
e. Knowing what to focus on; not being harsh. E.g.: 2 years old: extremely
sensitive to what happens around them and internalize their surroundings in subconscious mind. This is the cause for most, if not all, internal
problems in teens. Example: sleep. Mom makes child sleep, puts in dark
room and closes door; child crying b/c doesnt want to sleep, but forces
him, psychologists say this causes child to be rebellious. (Ive witnessed
such examples).
f. Gentleness in dealing with them. Prophet (s) said, Gentleness is not
found in anything except that it beautifies it, nor is it removed from
anything except that it

5th Habit: Education

It is the right of children that they be educated Islamically

a. Give them aqeedah from very beginning (first word Allaah, Allaahs up,
Allaah sees and hears everything). INSTILL LOVE OF ALLAAH AND
FEAR OF ALLAAH IN THEM, bring up on laa ilaaha illallaah, Muhammadar-Rasoolullaah; talk about hell and heaven, describe (from early childhood); dont underestimate their intelligence; answer their questions the way you would an adult.; visualize for them scenes on Day of
Judgement. Try to change it a bit from time to time so not the same old
thing that they will block off. (give e.g.s of what to talk about: angels,
what happens when Allaah loves someone, etc.) Concentrate more with
children on Allaahs love and mercy and not Hellfire, so as not to portray
Allaah as harsh, etc. Can talk about Hellfire, but dont throw it in their
faces everytime they do something wrong. Try to vary it every time you
speak to them. mention dunya rewards not just jannah for good deeds
b. Instill in them love of the Prophet (s) and importance of following him;
focus to them about how much he loved us and wanted to save us from
the Fire and wants us to be with him in Jannah, etc.
c. Formal lessons (aqeedah and akhlaaq, whatever you learn, based on age);
(daily in summer)
d. Start young (prayer, wudoo, hijaab, Islaamic dress, etc.) (Imaam Ahmads mom)
e. Read them ISLAAMIC STORIES, Quraanic stories, seerah, stories of
sahaabah.
f. Take advantage of strong memories; raise them on Quraan (do everything to find a good teacher for them: best of money and time; not only
in summer). Most scholars learned Quraan by age of 7; latest 10. Teach
athkaar from very young, etc. (CONSISTENCY)
g. Show love for that which Allaah loves and hatred for what he hates.
h. Make ruqyah on them, teach them to make it on themselves (am and
pm athkaar).
i. Use every day incidents to teach them. (e.g. when dog did not bite Shaakir; when he wouldnt share ball; if see someone poor remind them of
Allaahs favor on us and how Allaah loves for us to give to poor people;

if do wrong have them seek forgiveness)

j. Teach hayaa (girls get used to wearing hijaab, dont change in front of
anyone starting at very early age, dress modestly in front of them and
dont change in front of them; as get a little older 4-5 avoid breastfeeding
in front of them, etc, dont bathe the children together, etc.)
k. Have Islaaimc library for them (should at least go to Arabic schools)
l. Islaamic projects (write stories, make posters with verses and hadeeths,
etc.) Even fun time should be useful (baking; girls: cookbook, etc.)
Note: This is where your close relationship with them will come in
handy: be careful not to make it like a military instruction: this is
haraam; this is not pleasing to Allaah; you must pray 5 times a day;
did you pray yet? Etc.

6th Habit: Provide A Positive Environment

It is the right of children that they have a good environment

a. Household environment should be peaceful; husband and wife should
not show conflict in front of the children. They should see their mother
as an obedient wife. The father, should not insult their mother in front
of them.
b. Parents should be consistent in everything in front of child. Agreement
in minhaj between husband and wife. (agree on everything: bedtime,
methodology, etc.) One of greatest reasons for destruction and ruin of
children is the differences between mom and dad. If children see this,
will try to manipulate the situation by playing on both ends: DONT
LET IT HAPPEN. Sit with spouse and come up with rules. Husband
shouldnt correct wife in front of them. If too late, try to reform spouse.
If cant, try to become strongest influence and must teach that father is
wrong if it comes to that, but do so in a nice way.
c. Household should be Islaamic; every day should try to read Quraan and
hadeeth together as a family
d. Surround them by your religious friends so you dont seem like the only
person on this path. If close to you, will tend to like who you like and
dislike who you dislike. (on flip side, be nice to your friends children);
insitll in them love for people of knowledge and concept of asking

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THEM when we dont know. (take to your gatherings, classes, etc.)

e. No un-Islaamic magazines or books, one of greates influences on their
minds and hearts now. Monitor internet.
f. Teach them from the beginning that most people do wrong and we are
not to do like them, even if those doing wrong are many in number.
Know right and wrong by what Allaah and Prophet Muhammad (s)
taught us. And theyre not wrong b/c theyre necessarily evil but because
ignorant of the deen; we should teach them and pray for them and thank
Allaah that He showed us right and wrong.
g. Mix with people with same values, and let them mix with children from
families of same values. Dont compromise for sake of them having a
social life.

Part B:
Remove negative influences as much as you are able
It is the right of children that negtive influences be removede
a. know that you cannot remove all of them; each person has a different
situation.
b. Choose most Islaamic school, dont just base it on which is academically
best.
c. know what they did and heard, etc. in school so you can undo the rubbish they picked up.
d. Keep away from people who dont share same values as much as you are
able
e. Avoid entertainment or pastime gatherings, etc. b/c goes against honor
and seriousness
f. TV, Western books, etc. out (better not to introduce to begin with).
Avoid toys which are either bad for their characters or wastes their brain
and are addictive (personally against action figures, etc. and gameboys,
nintendos, play stations, etc.)

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7th Habit: discipline system

It is the right of children that they be disciplined properly

a. Avoid hitting as much as possible; especially out of anger, lack of temper
control (some scholars say cant hit before 10)
b. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT to reinforce good behaviors: try to
catch them doing as many good things as possible and praise them for it.
Say something like, I like the way you are obeying from the first time;
and Im sure you must be doing this because you love Allaah so much
and want Him to be pleased with you. Im proud of you.
c. Also, a lot of physical affection as a reward for good; makes them want
to do it more.
d. If they have a pattern of bad behavior (e.g. lying, not sharing, fighting
with sibling, not listening from first time, etc.), praise the opposite behavior (telling the truth) when it occurs.
e. Charts, contracts
f. IN ADDITION TO THIS POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT, set aside
a punishment (grounded, no toys, etc.) and use every time they do it,
WITHOUT YELLING AND SCREAMING, just implement it. But
do not use punishment alone without positive reinforcement b/c it wont
work time out, etc. (priority behaviors, consistency)

Lying (2 types, etc.)

Each year, special characteristics specific for that age: 2-6:
2: rebellious
3: loves to play a lot
4: asks many questions and wants their answers
5: loves to imitate and copy
6: likes to stand out, be noticed, etc.
This is how Allaah created them, so when this stage comes, let it go by peacefully
(dont hold them to it too much). This is how Allaah created them
But if he hears for example, Hes so rebellious, stubborn; always wants to get his

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way. And you try to break their nature and change it altogether, this will become
engraved in his subconscious mind and he will grow up to be rebellious indeed.

2-6: great capacity to accept whatever theyre given

From 2-6: wide imagination; if not focused, this is among greatest reasons causing them to lie. B/c at this age, loves attention, praise, being noticed. If not given
enough to fulfill this, with his wide imagination, will make up stories, lie for
attention, etc.

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