Is Your Child Alienated?

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ.

IS YOUR CHILD REJECTING ONE PARENT? In divorce or separation, 10% - 15% of children express strong resistance to
spending time with one of their parents and this may be increasing in our society. It may be the father or mother. It may be the
parent the child visits, or the parent where the child lives. Is this the result of abuse by the rejected parent? Or is this the result
of alienation by the favored parent? The idea that one parent can alienate a child against the other has been a big controversy
in family courts over the past 20 years, with the conclusion that there are many possible causes for this resistance. Most courts
take reports of alienation very seriously and want to know if this is the result of abuse or alienating behavior. Resistance to
spending time with a parent is always a serious problem. This needs to be investigated, fully understood, and treated with
counseling in many cases. Otherwise, the childs future relationships may be much more difficult.
IS THIS THE RESULT OF ABUSE? The first concern of the courts is protecting the children. If there are reports of child abuse
as the cause of the childs alienated behavior, the judge may make a protective order restraining contact with the rejected
parent, such as a temporary order for supervised visitation. If you are the rejected parent you may feel that supervised visitation
is unnecessary or insulting. Yet this may be your biggest help, as someone neutral can observe the childs behavior and your
relationship. Often the judge will say that he or she will not make any assumptions and wants more information before
understanding the cause.
IS THIS THE RESULT OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME? It is important to know that the courts across the
country have not adopted the idea that there is such a syndrome. A syndrome requires a generally accepted cause and effect,
and there are many possible causes of childrens alienated behavior (abuse by a parent, alienating behavior by a parent, lack of
emotional boundaries by a rejected parent, lack of emotional boundaries by a favored parent, developmental stage, outside
influences, etc.). Also, despite alienating behavior by some parents, many children are not resistant to spending time with the
other parent. So it is not accepted as a syndrome. However, the courts generally recognize that some children are alienated
they just dont know the reason automatically and often want more information.
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF AN ALIENATED CHILD? Children who are not abused, but are alienated have emotionally
intense feelings but vague or minor reasons for them. A child might say: I wont go to see my father! Yet she might struggle to
find a reason: He doesnt help me with my homework. Or: He dresses sloppy. Or: He just makes me angry all the time.
Another child might say: I hate my mother! Yet again the reasons are vague or superficial: Shes too controlling. She doesnt
understand me like my dad. These children complain that they are afraid of the other parent, yet their behavior shows just the
opposite they feel confident in blaming or rejecting that parent without any fear or remorse. Some of them speak negatively of
the rejected parent to others, then relax when they are with the rejected parent. Others run away, rather than spend time with
the rejected parent. All of these behaviors are generally different from those of truly abused children, who are often extra careful
not to offend an abusive parent, are often hesitant to disclose abuse and often recant even though its true.
WHY DO ALIENATED CHILDREN FEEL SO STRONGLY? Alienated children generally show intensely negative emotions and
an absence of ambivalence. New research on the brain suggests that this may be the result of the unconscious and nonverbal
transfer of negative emotions from parent to child. The parents intense angry outbursts (even if they are rare), intense sadness,
and intensely negative statements about the other parent may be absorbed unconsciously by the childs brain, without the child
even realizing it. The child then develops intensely negative emotions toward the other parent (or anyone the upset parent
dislikes), but doesnt consciously know why. This may explain the vague or minor reasons given by alienated children for
intensely rejecting a good parent. This spilling over of negative emotions from upset parent to child may have begun years
before the divorce, so that the child is very tuned in to the upset parent, and automatically and instantly absorbs their emotions
and point of view.
DOES CUSTODY MAKE A DIFFERENCE? If one parent has almost all of the parenting time, then the child will not have his or
her own experiences with the other parent to know that he or she is not bad. Most states expect children to have substantial time
with both parents except in cases of abuse. Ironically, the amount of time is generally not the biggest factor. The biggest factor
is if one parent is constantly spilling over intensely negative emotions to the child about the other parent, while the other parent is
following court orders and not addressing these issues at all. For this reason, children can become alienated against either a
non-custodial parent or a custodial parent. This can be either the father or the mother. Its like a bad political campaign, with one
side campaigning hard and the other side not campaigning at all.
HOW CAN YOU PREVENT ALIENATION? You might be alienating your child against the other parent or against yourself,
without even being conscious of it - especially during a divorce. Here are seven suggestions:

1.

POSITIVE COMMENTS: Regularly point out positive qualities of the other parent to your child.

2.

REPAIRING COMMENTS: All parents make negative comments about the other parent at times. If you realize you
made such a comment, follow up with a repairing comment: I just spoke negatively about your father [or mother]. I
dont really mean to be so negative. He has many positive qualities and I really value your relationship with him. Im just
upset and my feelings are my responsibility, not his and not yours.

3. AVOID REINFORCING NEGATIVE COMMENTS: Healthy children say all kinds of things, positive and negative, about
their parents even about abusive parents. If there is abuse, have it investigated by professionals. If not, be careful that
you are not paying undue attention to their negative comments and ignoring their positive comments.
4.

TEACH PROBLEM-SOLVING STRATEGIES: If your child complains about the other parents behavior, unless it is
abusive, suggest strategies for coping: Honey, tell your father something nice before you ask for something difficult.
Show your mother the project you did again, she might have been busy the first time. If he/she is upset, maybe you
can just go to your room and try not to listen and draw a picture instead.

5. AVOID EXCESSIVE INTIMACY: Children naturally become more independent and self-aware as they grow up. Be
careful not to be excessively intimate with your child for the childs age, as this may create an unhealthy dependency on
you. Examples include having the child regularly sleep with you in your bed beyond infancy; sharing adult information
and decisions (such as about the divorce); and excessive sadness at exchanges or how you miss the child when he or
she is at the other parents house.
6. AVOID EXCESSIVE COMPARISONS: When you emphasize a skill or characteristic that you have, dont place it in
comparison to weaknesses of the other parent. You each have different skills and qualities that are important to your
child. By comparing yourself positively and the other parent negatively (even if this feels innocent), you can inadvertently
influence your child. Remember that your child is a combination of both of you, and thinking negatively of one parent
means the child may think negatively about half of himself or herself.
7.

GET SUPPORT OR COUNSELING FOR YOURSELF: It is impossible to go through a divorce without getting upset
some of the time. Protect your child from as much as possible by sharing your upset feelings with adult friends and
family, away from your child. Get counseling to cope with the stress you are under.

WILL THE COURT ADDRESS THIS ISSUE? Routinely, in a divorce or separation, the court will order that neither parent shall
make disparaging remarks about the other parent within hearing of the child. Some courts may ask you for 3 positive comments
about the other parent or 3 steps you are taking to protect the child from absorbing your negative emotions toward the other
parent. Think about this seriously, so that you are prepared to answer this question if it is raised. Most of all, practice the
suggestions described above.
------------------------------------------------------High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations regarding High Conflict People (HCPs) to professionals dealing with
legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes. Bill Eddy is the President of High Conflict Institute and the author of Its
All Your Fault! He is an attorney, mediator, and therapist. Bill has presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators,
ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in 25 states,
several provinces in Canada, France, and Australia. For more information about High Conflict Institute, our seminars and
consultations, or Bill Eddy and his books go to: www.HighConflictInstitute.com or call 602-606-7628.