Bonding with baby in the early days
Some women expect love to strike like a lightning bolt when their baby is born. But bonding is a process, not a moment.
Nov 9, 2015 Holly Bennett
Photo: iStockphotos
When CaIley Crawfords daughter, Maggie, was born, the doctor put the baby on her chest and she felthappy. It was a
nice moment, she says. I was glad to see her. But I didnt have this feeling of deep connection and overwhelming
love.
Theres a mythology, the Toronto mom observes, about that incredible moment when you bond with your baby. If you
dont experience that, it can make you doubt your depth of feelings or your own motherliness, she says. But Crawford,
a former volunteer caregiver at a hospice, likens the birth experience to that of bereavement. Its a funny juxtaposition,
but it works. People grieve in their own way. Just because you dont cry or fall apart, its not a reection of how deeply
you loved the person. Its the same with having a baby.
Read more: 4 tips to help new fathers bond with their babies>
Midwives, who provide postpartum care as well as attend births, have helped many moms and babies nd their groove.
Patty Mcniven, a midwife who teaches at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ont., says, Babies arent ducklings with one
chance to bond. Its a process, and theres a lot of variation in how it happens. However you feel when you rst lay eyes
on your newborn, the true bond is built in the months that follow, as you care for and get to know your baby.
Cara Yost has experienced it both ways. I did feel that rush of love the rst time I held my rst baby, just like in the
movies, says the Winnipeg mom of three. Then I met my second daughter, Frances, and it was more like, Hello, little
stranger. But Yost and Frances soon caught up from their slower start. It makes me sad that moms put so much
pressure on themselves, she says. Its OK to feel you dont know your baby because you dont; you have to learn
about each other.
Jen Rowlinsons rst weeks as a mother were so stressful they didnt seem to leave any room for bonding. Rowlinson, of
Sarnia, Ont., had believed she was unable to have children, until she found herself pregnant at 39. Soon after, her
relationship ended. I was single and pregnant, she says. Then my baby was born four weeks premature, by C-section.
So no, I didnt have that cosmic feeling. I was too scared.
At home with her ve-pound baby boy, Rowlinson found it took all her energy just to get through the day. Ryder was
small, so I had to set an alarm to wake up and feed him every two-and-a-half hours. I was alone, recovering from a Csection, and exhausted. It was a never-ending marathon. With the help of her family, Rowlinson got through that rough
initiation and has no doubts about the strength of her bond with Ryder, now almost two.
She remembers a couple of pivotal moments: Ryder was just three weeks old at Christmas, so a lot of people were
seeing him for the rst time. I realized, as I was showing him around, that I wasnt thinking of him as the baby anymore
he was my son. Finally getting some decent sleep also made a huge difference. What helped most of all, though, says
Rowlinson, was letting go of what I thought I was supposed to do or be, and accepting that I was doing my best, and
that was OK. Then I could allow myself to leave the dishes or laundry and take that time for cuddling and enjoying my
baby. It was in those little moments that we bonded the most.
McNiven thinks those little moments are so important. A lot of a mothers time with a newborn can be quite dicult,
she says. Finding a way to have quiet, pleasant time with the baby can help you feel connected. Just holding a sleeping
baby is lovely. You can also bring the baby into the bath with you, if theres another adult to help. Turn the lights down
and hold the baby under the shoulders and just let her oat. Most babies love this.
Read more: How to help a baby with colic>
Toronto midwife Jasmin Tecson suggests infant massage as another skin-to-skin experience that encourages bonding.
Its a nice activity, especially for fathers, she says, because its intimate, soothing and as physical as feeding. Cailey
Crawford cant point to one moment or stage where her connection with Maggie suddenly grew. Its been a gradual
progression, she says. Its all the moments that weve had together, building that trust and closeness. McNiven says
that when women have diculty bonding with their babies, they may feel deeply guilty, and may not be able to share
these feelings. She tries to reassure them: Having a baby is a lot to cope with at rst. But as you get to know your baby
and build up condence as a parent, the attachment will come. You will nd that joy.
When bonding is slow to come
There are many reasons why moms can nd it dicult to connect with their babies, from stress to a colicky, hard-to-read
baby. More serious conditions like postpartum depression can also underlie bonding problems. If weeks go by and
youre still feeling that your baby is a little stranger, speak to your doctor or midwife. Try to nd ways to get the sleep
and practical support you need, and seek out new parents to connect with, whether its an online community or a new
mothers group.
A version of this article appeared in the Fall 2013 issue of Todays Parent Pregnancy, pp. 65-6.
