Practitioner

Certification
Course

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

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Trevor Silvester

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

Chapter One

The Aim

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

Artful vagueness.

Reality Tunnel

Problem state

Solution State
Problem State

Solution State

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

Structure
Context

Process

Consequence

Algorithms of the Mind

Cause and Effect (C>E)
Complex Equivalence (A=B)
This = Not That (A=NotB)

copyright Trevor Silvester 2007

The Case of Beccy

Context Elicitation
T: Hi Rebecca, so how can I help you today?
R: Oh well, really its sort of in the area of relationships. A sort of problem I have with relationships
both with my husband and its something thats happened lots of times before in relationships with friends
as well. I dont really know how to describe it. I
guess its that I cant let people get too close to me
without me pushing them away. So I really rejected
them basically. I can have this really fantastic relationship in the beginning and we get on really well
and then it gets to a point and I just have to push
them away and its something that I sort seem to
keep doing all the time and its getting to the point
now in my marriage when I really need to sort it out
otherwise its going to happen all over again.
T: And when you say this has happened on a
number of occasions, how far back can you remember this being a problem?
R: Probably from about my early twenties. It happened first of all with a girl friend that I had where
its sort of really intense fun relationship and it got to a
point and then I just sort of had to get away from it
so it started then, and then it happened in all my relationships with men as well. Its getting worse and
worse and worse as I get older.
T: Right ok. And so that relationship before that relationship with your girl friend, it wasnt an issue?
R: Not that I can remember really. I mean I never
liked people getting too close to me probably even my
family because I like to keep a safe distance around
myself but thats when things start to like break downs
of relationships its when that started to happen.
T: And is it always as bad with each person that
youve had this going on with?
R: Its probably got worse with each ..
T: Has it. And you can feel it getting worse as its
going on?
R: Yeah
T: Ok and is this just about relationships nowadays
is this just about intimate relationships or does it happen in the workplace?
R: It can happen in the workplace as well. It could
happen in any relationship where its like I get so
close to somebody and then I have to back right off.
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The Case of Becky

Context Elicitation
So it could be in the workplace if there was someone I
got on really well with and we became quite good
friends there could then become a point where I
would have to sort of pull away from it and make the
relationship go wrong basically. It feels like I cock it
up yeah.
T: And are there any times when it should happen
and it doesnt when youd expect you to be feeling
as if you should be pushing people away, but actually,
it remains safe?
R: Well, I mean, I got married which I didnt think
would ever happen and there were times within that
when Ive tried to push it away and try as hard as I
might, I guess he didnt let it happen, so. We
managed to work through it, so I have been able to
work through it actually on a couple of occasions.
T: But you can nearly always find that it happens
spontaneously whenever you begin to get close to
somebody?
R: Yeah
T: Are there any times when youve kind of forgotten
that thats what should be happening?
R: Yeah, I think probably if things are going well for a
certain amount of time, that I dont know if maybe I
would think oh things have been going quite well and
then.Ill do something or make something happen
to make it all go wrong again.
T: And where abouts are you with your husband currently? Is it at a good time or is it going through this
cycle?
R: Its going through this cycle quite badly at the
minute which is why I wanted to come and see you
because I think I just cant let that happen again.
Hes really fantastic and if I let that go, I dont know if
Id ever forgive myself for it.
T: When it started again with your husband and you
remember that churning feeling, was there anything
that he did or you felt that he did, or that you did, that
began it this time?
R: Its just maybe if I feel too.. Again, feeling too
trapped or smothered by him and thats how I can
keep him at a safe distance. He doesnt even necessarily need to do anything particular to trigger me off

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T: I just notice when you are talking about it, your shoulders
get tense and youre feeling smothered?
R: Yeah, it just makes me feel really trapped like I cant get
out its like I cant get out and so in a way, thats me making an exit for myself.
T: Ok. Right, so its if the relationship encloses you and
there is you looking for a way beyond it?
R: Yeah and there is, now youve said that, that is kind of
what its like, like Im trying to find some way out and that
somehow makes me an exit or an escape route to get out.
T: Right, ok and so when youre talking about this churning
feeling and youve got this kind of, tension in your shoulders, are you aware of anything else within your body?
R: Well, it doesnt feel very nice anywhere in my body because I think its only maybe afterwards maybe if weve
had a row, because Ive gone all, sort of funny and weird,
that I realise that my bodys probably the whole of my
body is tense and shaky.
T: Right and can that last for a while or does it kind of come
and go quite quickly?
R: Well it changes because I kind of then move into guilt,
so it maybe lasts a little while and then I start to feel guilty,
so .
T: So, theres shaky legs and that kind of feeling that isnt
about guilt at all?
R: No, thats about the fear and anger and being scared
and trying to get out and the guilt feels different actually, the
guilt feels heavier
T: Heavier? And where?
R: I dont know. Its almost as if its in the bottom of my
legs sort of like lead, heavy, heaviness.
T: Brilliant, so can you remember having a relationship that
wasnt like this, that felt good and felt safe and secure?
R: The only times I can remember that I havent done this
in a relationship is when I havent felt safe and secure. For
instance, there was my first love. I didnt do it with him at all
that was because I didnt actually feel safe and secure with
him. I thought anytime he could go and he could leave me
and he could cheat on me, which he did, once actually. So,
I didnt do it with him. Maybe it was because if I did he really would . I dont know. Thats the only relationship I
can really think of where I didnt do my thing.
T: So its actually the safety and security that this seems to
be aimed at defending yourself against.
R: It seems the more someone loves me and wants to be
with me, the more I do it.
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The Case of Becky

Process Elicitation
T: So how do you know when this is happening?
R: I think I start I dont know. If I start to feel like
Im getting trapped and I know its happening because
Ill start to do things that arent very nice towards the
other person. I might start to say sarcastic things or
generally be mean or sort of avoiding someone or
create some distance between me and them. Its like
the barriers start to come up, so I know its starting to
happen. And even though I know Im aware of it
starting to happen, that makes it worse and it seems
to make me do it more.
T: So you can know that youre doing it and still do
more of it?
R: Yeah, probably would do it more even though I
know Im doing it, so then that just makes me think
that Im just a really bad person and that I know Im
doing these really horrible things so someone, yet I
still keep doing them if not more so.
T: Can you think of a time specifically, when that
happened? Recently, maybe or
R: I did have a new friendship with someone at work.
We got this woman called Jo and we got really friendly. It was like she was the best thing the best friend
I ever made this sort of happens all the time. Its
like the best person in my whole live, ever, Im so glad
that we want to do everything together, its fantastic
then it gets to a point and like with her I just stopped
responding to her phone calls and texts and I started
being a bit offish with her and maybe Id make a few
put-downs or say a few sarcastic things and then
now. I hardly see her anymore.
T: Ok. And do your remember with Jo, the moment
that it went from being a real great comfortable relationship that you were really enjoying, to that moment
when you started putting barriers up. Was there a
defining moment?
R: I think its when I feel like shes getting to know me
too well. Do you know what I mean? Like shes getting to know me and we are starting to know lots of
things about each other so I guess it gets to a point
where suddenly, we know lots of things about each
other and its quite an intimate friendship and then
thats the point where I sort of try and back off or
escape and start doing all the horrible things that I do.
T: And would that usually be triggered by something
that she says or does or something that you do?
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The Case of Becky

Process Elicitation
R: It maybe that I think that she ..actually thinking about
it, it was her I offered her some advice for something that she
didnt take and that sort of hurt me a bit and I started going a
bit funny with her then, actually.
T: Oh right and when you got that feeling that she was being
a bit funny, where about does that happen.
R: I get it right in here
At this point interview explores structure - youll see it later.
Then I returned to eliciting the process.
So when you get that feeling, what are the kind of things that
you normally do?
R: Thats when I would do you mean to the other person? I
would put them down or say something really horrible to them
or be really withhold information from them. Say for instance, they wanted to know what I was doing at the weekend,
maybe Id say, Dont know what Im doing because Id know
that theyd want to arrange to see me. And so, Ill be evasive
and stand-offish, like Im not bothered, even though I really
am.
T: And how long might this go on for while youve got that
feeling?
R: Until Ive got them to leave me alone or go away or drop it.
T: So it will keep on going until . Do you normally break the
relationship or do you keep being that way until they do?
R: Yeah
T: Thats the way it is. So you kind of wear them out.
R: Yeah and then afterwards I think Why have I done that?
T: So once its done, the friendship is over, or the relationship
is over what goes through your mind?
R: Well I feel absolutely gutted that Ive lost someone really
special I mean I dont feel like Im able to go back and get
them, or retrieve it in any way. I dont know if thats because
Im feeling too proud, like its something that Id done wrong. I
just feel devastated by it and think Ive done that again, I cant
believe Ive done that again! Thats someone else thats gone
out my life.
T: And how does that make you feel about you?
R: Absolutely awful, just like Im a really, really horrible person
and I am. I know I am when Im doing those things, I am being
really horrible.
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Basic Units of Thought

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The Case of Becky

Structure Elicitation
R: It maybe that I think that she ..actually thinking
about it, it was her I offered her some advice for something that she didnt take and that sort of hurt me a bit
and I started going a bit funny with her then, actually.
T: Oh right and when you got that feeling that she was
being a bit funny, where about does that happen.
R: I get it right in here
T: And when you think about that feeling that you get
right there, is that similar to the feeling you get on other
occasions?
R: I dont think so, I think its mostly that I get that feeling with another person in this type of way, because its
not like I would maybe get a feeling in my stomach another time for nerves but its not that sort of thing, this is
much more its less bubbly its more sort of, deep in
there.
T: Does it have a name?
R: Its like a, a bit like a washing machine! Yeah!
T: Is it?
R: Yeah, its the only way I can describe it, like a washing machine, just sort of churning
T: And your hand is moving in that direction
R: Yeah, churning like that
T: So its just a churning feeling, right ok. So when you
think about times when this has happened before, say
with your friend back in your early twenties, maybe with
your husband as well, is that a feeling that goes with it?
R: Yeah definitely! Definitely. And sometimes if I was
feeling it really badly, it sort of shoots up here as well
like a hot feeling.
T: So its a hot feeling that moves?
R: Its sort of mostly there and if I was having a conversation that was getting me worked up the it would sort of
move up here as well.
T: And is there an emotion that goes with that feeling or
is it just.churning?
R: Its like a mix of fear and anger as well. I think its
fear and anger mixed together and guilt because I feel
so guilty about what Im doing to the other person, so I
feel guilty as well.
T: Right so its a mix of things really being churned?
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Anticipation Machines

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The Case of Becky

Consequence & Solution State Elicitation
Consequence
T: And how does that make you feel about you?
R: Absolutely awful, just like Im a really, really horrible person and I am. I know I am when Im doing
those things, I am being really horrible.
T: Right, ok and what do you see that leading to, if
you think about this continuing? What do you see as
a consequence of that?
R: Just being on my own just being all on my own.
Because whose going to stick around with someone
that treats them so horribly. And this is what Im worried about now with my husband, I can see the same
cycle starting again, thinking if this carries on as it has
done before, then Ill just push him away and hell be
gone and Ill just be on my own.
Solution State Elicitation
T: Right. So how would you like to be instead? If I
were to wave a magic wand today and you had what
you wanted from coming to see me, how would you
know? What would be different?
R: I would be able to accept people wanting to be
with me and being nice to me and loving me without
me having to push them away. So I wouldnt say all
the sarcastic, mean things. I wouldnt avoid people. I
wouldnt distance myself from them. And, I wouldnt
have that horrible feeling.
T: Right thats good. So youve told me lots of things
that you wouldnt be doing and wouldnt be experiencing. What would you be experiencing instead?
R: Oh wow! Id be that feels like a lightness and I
could be really happy just to be with people and enjoy
being with them. And I could give them back as much
love as they give me which is what I want to do really, but something gets in the way. So, I could be with
them. I would feel really happy to be with them. I
guess Id feel safe without feeling trapped and
hemmed in.
T: So when you did that, your body shifted theres a
different feeling?
R: Yeah, yeah its like a lightness, like oh, I dont
have to do this anymore!
T: Lightness, and where do you feel lightness in your
body? Or is it everywhere?
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The Case of Beccy

Consequence & Solution State Elicitation
R: Its across here (upper chest, shoulder area) its
gone from there (stomach) and its just light and open
up here, like an open-ness
T: Brilliant and is there in that lightness and openness, with that feeling you had in the past there was
a kind of movement to it wasnt there? Is there a
movement to this one or is it still?
R: Sort of going like that (gestures away movements)
outwards, rather than in, because I guess that feels
really sort of in, like a destructive inwards. And this is
open and free.
T: Excellent. Are there any times when you can think
about, different circumstances perhaps, when you get
that feeling? When youre open and free?
R: Maybe if Ive been on holiday, you know when you
have that feeling where youre on holiday and you
havent got to do anything, you havent got to worry
about anything or think about anything, just really
free. Ive had it sometimes maybe around exercising feeling really good exercising. That sort of lightness
there.
T: When youre exercising? Thats interesting. What
is it about exercising that gives you that feeling?
R: Its like a release
T: Is it, right,
R: Yeah, just getting really in.. They call it like being
in the zone or whatever. Everythings all working together like it should be and my bodys working really
well and my minds working with it and it just feels really free and released. And just everythings doing what
it should be.
T: So if you could imagine having that feeling in a relationship could you imagine being with your husband
and having that freedom and that feeling in your body?
R: To feel free, yeah, totally because then I wouldnt
need to try and escape if I felt free.

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The Question is the Answer

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The Case of Becky

Neuro Logical Level Future Pace
T: Right, so if I could I dont know whether
its easier for you to have your eyes open or
closed for this. I just want to ask you a few
questions about exactly how we want you to
be in the future. So again, going back to this
magic wand question, that weve done what
were going to do and youve got exactly what
you wanted. If you were to imagine going out
into the future where thats occurred, and you
have exactly your way of being in a relationship that you want, what would be around
you? What would you be aware of and how
would that be different? How would the world
have changed?
R: Well, thered be lots of people. Thats the
main thing, there would be lots of people. And
I see it as lots of like, fun. Lots of people
laughing and me just really being relaxed and
enjoying having all those people around without wanting to get away.
T: And what would be the kind of things you
would be doing in this world?
R: Id probably be going out more making
more contact with people because I tend to
avoid contact with people or keep myself to
myself you know, dont allow to much contact. So I would be going out more. A thing
that Id like to do that I dont feel I can is make
contact with some of those people from broken

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The Case of Becky

Neuro-logical Level Future Pace
friendships and Id really like to get in touch with
them and say Im sorry or whatever can we is
there any chance we could have another friendship. So make contact with all those people that I
lost contact with. I wouldnt be giving myself a
hard time so much.
T: Youd be doing what, instead?
R: Id just be getting on with my life!
T: Right, good. I want you to think about this person in the future, thats you doing those things
and being surrounded by people and having fun.
Shell probably need skills or capabilities or resources in order to achieve that kind of a life and
there might be things already that when you think
about it, you already have and youre not using as
much as youd like to, or there might be new
things. What kind of skills and resources would
you like to have in the future which would make
relationships be better than they currently are?
R: When I set my mind to something, I can really
do it, so if I really set my mind to making all this
better, then I know I probably could. Its hard to
think of things that Ive got already.
T: So, setting your mind to something, is something you already do?
R: Yeah, I know I can do that.
T: If a friend of yours was here now talking about
you, what would be the things that she would say
would make it easy for you to be that kind of person?
R: She would probably say that I was determined
and yeah, resourceful. I usually can adapt and
make do, you know, I can be thrown into a situation without any knowledge of anything and get on
with it. So I could just get on with it and do it.
Hopefully, theyd say I was - underneath it all that I am a really nice person. And, when I really
want to be, I can be affectionate and open when
I choose to be. So if I could choose to be, all the
time

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The Case of Becky

Neuro-logical Level Future Pace
T: So to be open and affectionate, adding that to
the determination and seeing things through. And
if I asked your friend what makes it good to be
around you, what would she say?
R: Im quite, again if I choose to be, outgoing and
bubbly and fun to be around. Id say I probably
dont do that enough but when I do, I think I can
get a party going!
T: Brilliant! So what would you need to believe
about yourself for this to happen?
R: That I am a good person. That I deserve to
have those good people in my life.
T: Right, ok, so if you were to say That I am a
good person and I deserve to have these people
in my life and I say to you . Because? What
would come to your mind?
R: Because Im worth it. (No no Rebecca anything but the LOreal hair advert!)
T: Good! And that means ?
R: I can have all the things that I want to have.
T: Good thats great. So is there anything else
that you can think of that might be useful for me to
know about the thing thats brought you here today?
R: I dont think so - lets hope that I dont do it
with you!!!
T: Yeah that would be interesting wouldnt it, if
that started to happen
.

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Why do Suggestions need an aim?

Chapter One Quiz

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