Narcissistic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do.

They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they cant wait to see
what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will
become. No, they have children for one reason only: More mirrors. They have
children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way
around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect
their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.
They dont see their role as a mother as lifes biggest gift. Its a burden they
didnt expect. They thought they were creating little mini-mes. They didnt
take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful,
ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual
personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, thats the best part of
being a mom watching our children grow into increasingly independent,
confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away
from her is an absolute act of betrayal.
Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is
squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. What is
wrong with you? and Youre so oversensitive and Youre overreacting are
common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.
These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child,
having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise
reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking
precious time away from their own agendas. They dont like to have to shop for
clothes for their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, pay for
daycare, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends houses, throw birthday
parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.
They will smother and overprotect their children under the guise that they are
taking care of them. They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such
things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.),
budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep her children under her
control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and overprotected, they will
not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.
They will use their children as slaves. They will delegate all household chores to
the children as early as possible. They will insist that they pay for their own
personal items and clothing as early as possible. Older children will become
responsible for younger children. No matter how many of her responsibilities her
children take on, it will never be enough or be done well enough. They expect
perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this
expectation.
Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any
evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much
differently toward their children in public than they do at home. They will

vehemently deny any wrongdoing on their part and most likely blame their
children, completely rewriting history.
Narcissistic mothers dont stop being narcissists when their children become
adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings.
They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one,
they will talk to another about it.
They are jealous of their childrens successes, even though they brag to others
about them (see how great MY kids turned out). They will make snide
comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house,
job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their
adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about
these failures; it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist
when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added
bonus of having favours to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favour
feels like selling your soul to the devil. Its emotional extortion.
These mothers steal their kids childhoods, identities and future healthy
relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children
for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and
painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming
yourself she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to
put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious
disorder isnt perpetuated generation after generation.

NEW EXTRACT
Narcissistic mothers cause pain, but theres much you can do to reclaim your life
and thrive despite having one.
As a psychotherapist in private practice, Im often asked, What can you do when
you have a narcissistic mother?
It is a poignant question because were all an extension of our mother in some
way or another. You, for instance, may have similar physical features or
personality characteristics that make people realize you are a product of your
mom.
But, how do you protect yourself when your narcissistic mother, the very woman
who gave you life or raised you, demands you provide her with the unconditional,
one-way love that she feels entitled tono matter how she treats you?
When this is the case, your narcissistic mother may see you as something that
she created with the hope to have a copy of herself for her own amusement. Or,

she may see you as an object, like a piece of luggage that should serve her when
she needs it and be out of the away when she does not.
If so, you may have been treated with such disrespect and abuse that makes it
difficult for you to develop any sort of real relationship with your mother, let
alone feel the love towards your mom that she expects you to give. To the
outside world, everything may have appeared perfect, but behind closed doors?
Thats where the horror was released.
Many a narcissistic mother is aware of her demanding ways and believes
everyone should treat her in the fantastical way that she sees herself. She may
live in their own little world where her accomplishments, real or fake, are of
grand proportions that no one else can live up to.

To this day, her expectations of you may be ever-changing and not truly
attainable. If you have a narcissistic mother, you may feel you are never good
enough, or that you must compete with your siblings for her approval or
affection. And, no matter how much you achieve or strive to accommodate her,
you will not measure up to her unrealistic expectations.

Why do narcissistic moms have children?

When a narcissist has a child, it is not for the same reason that others procreate.
She does so because she wants that child to satisfy her unmet needs.
These can vary from the need to feel like she will always be loved by you, or the
hope shell be more bonded to her husband by providing a child, or the belief
shell never be alone, or to have the illusion of another chance at life and so on.
Some narcissistic mothers essentially want a real-life extension of themselves,
only to be deeply upset about the fact that they did not receive that mini-me
from you. If, due to being a child, you could not meet her needs, your mother
may have withdrawn from you or have become demeaning, critical, and
manipulative. In short, it wasnt acceptable for you to be a child because a child
is, by its very nature, needy and perfectly imperfect.
The narcissistic mothers love is typically volatile and conditional. Below are
three common roles in which the sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers
often find themselves cast.
The roles can be projected by the narcissist onto one sibling then the next and
the roles can last for moments or years. Even more confusing, you may have
been cast in different roles at different time in your childhood. Read below to try
to recall what roles you played and when you were cast.

Lost Child
This role involves a great deal of neglect. Your narcissistic mother was simply
not aware of, or interested in, your needs. You could be sent to school with
clothing too big or small, dirty, or unmatched.
You may have been teased by other kids because you did not have enough
positive attention paid to you at home to know what was socially acceptable
behavior. You often felt unlovable or unworthy because you were not treated as
inherently valuable.

Scapegoated Child
Nothing you did was ever good enough. What may have satisfied your
narcissistic mother one day could disappoint her the next.
If you expressed you felt your mother treated you unfairly, she might have led
you to believe that you were crazy and ungrateful. The love and
thoughtfulness she gave you through her constant criticism was to be
treasured.
If you did something of value and worth, you may have been cut down and made
to believe that your accomplishments had no meaning in your narcissistic
mothers eyes. Or, you could have been elevated and bragged about to the
point of objectification. (See Chosen, Hero or Golden child below.)

Chosen, Hero or Golden Child

To be the Chosen, Hero or Golden child of a narcissistic mother is usually the
complete opposite of the scapegoat child. You are worshipped and idolized by
your mother from the moment you are born.
You are the one person in her life that can do nothing wrong and every
accomplishment, no matter how small, deserves a parade in her eyes. Youre a
representation of the best of her, the golden child.
You may become even more important than her spouse in a sometimes
provocative and psychologically seductive way.

Lost Child, Scapegoat & Chosen, Hero or Golden Child in a Narcissistic Family
System:
Many times, theres a golden child and a scapegoat in the narcissistic family. The
golden child is a favorite of the mothers choosing. Then theres the scapegoat,
the one who gets the blame for everything, the one who can never be as good as
the mother or the golden child.

The scapegoat never measures up in the mothers eyes. She can win awards, get
good grades, get into a great school, but it goes unnoticed or unacknowledged.
If its noted, its usually done so in a way that makes the mother look good,
saying that everything the child has learned is because of the mothers parenting
efforts.
The Lost Child will sometimes be relieved to hide from the narcissistic mother
and at other times be pulled into more attention getting roles.

Why Dont Narcissistic Mothers Change?

Narcissistic moms blame everyone else, and too often their children, for the
consequences their own self absorbed choices have caused. It often falls to
friends and family members to point out the extreme oddity of the narcissistic
mothers ways and recommend treatment. Even when offered help, a narcissist
is more likely to be offended than to seek treatment.
Ironically, though the people around the narcissistic mother can identify the
source of their suffering, the narcissist does not believe she is the one who
should change.
Therefore, it is unlikely your mother sought treatment for narcissism. In contrast,
she may have put you in treatment with the hope that you would become easier
to deal with.
Children and spouses are the ones who often suffer most, not the narcissist
themselves, because the narcissist doesnt feel that their chronically selfabsorbed behavior is just that. Quite the opposite, actually. The narcissistic
mother feels that everyone else is at fault when things go wrong.
As a child, you had to learn from very early on how to please your mother
enough to survive. You may have grown up to think that nothing you ever do is
good enough and that you are not worthy of the love you desire.
Narcissism, at its extreme, is a mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, (NPD), characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance,
fantasies of success, power, and physical attractiveness that the person may or
may not possess, a constant need for attention and admiration, and obsessive
self-interest. These are the obvious symptoms that people think of when they
think of the term narcissism.
There are a cluster of personality disorders, including NPD, that are on the
narcissistic spectrum described by the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders (DSM-IV) and they include Borderline Personality Disorder as well as
Histrionic Personality Disorder.
These disorders describe different chronic behavioral patterns often exhibited by
a narcissistic mother who may not even be aware of how she is treating you.

In sum, the first step in dealing with a narcissist is to identify the repetitive
hurtful behaviors rooted in how you were cast in the roles identified above.
Accept that your narcissistic mother is highly resistant to change. Then, learn
how to best respond to her negative behaviors in order to protect your
happiness.

Why Narcissists Have Children

Why do narcissists even have kids in the first place?
Im going to cut straight to the chase on this one. Narcissists do not have
children for the same reason that emotionally healthy people do.
They have them because they need more mirrors, more images to remind
themselves of how great they are and how they brought someone into the world
that is like them.
Unfortunately for the narcissistic parent, this isnt the case 99.9% of the time
because as children age, they develop their own sense of self and their own
personality apart from their parents. Then they become more of a burden than a
blessing on their narcissistic parent.
Some narcissists become parents out of accident or because of an ill-thought out
plan they created to have someone there to love and admire them without
having to give it back in return.
Theyre looking for the narcissistic supply which they try to obtain from anyone
and everyone. They believe that having a child will give them an endless supply
because their child must love them and has to be a part of their lives, while
theyre young at least.
Narcissists see their kids as someone they can put their name on, a product that
they can put out into the world with their branding all over it. They use their
children to gain self-esteem and as someone they can easily walk all over. They
want their children to take care of them and reverse the roles of how parent-child
interactions should be.
Narcissistic parents try to control their children in every facet of their lives.
They try to keep their children from growing up and gaining their own identity,
fearing it will lead their children to leave them and go on to live their own lives.
Narcissistic parents try to control their children in four different ways:
1.Guilt-driven: They make their children feel guilty and making them feel like a
burden on the narcissistic parent. They say things like, I sacrificed my life, my
body, for you
2.Dependence-driven: The narcissistic parent makes their child feel that they
could not go on living without their child in their life. They tell their kids that they

need them and that they cannot take care of themselves, their lives, and their
well-being by themselves.
3.Goal-driven: I like to call this the Tiger Mom Effect. This means that the
narcissistic parent, not necessarily the mother (although it usually is), is always
striving or making their child strive to be the best no matter what and no matter
if the child is truly interested in the goal or not. They live vicariously through
their child and ride on the coattails of their achievements. They may say things
like, We have a goal we need to achieve
4.Explicit: This type of control is based on negative repercussions if their child
does not do what they want or say. They withhold rewards and give excessive
punishment if they do not get their way. This can be very draining on the child
because they feel that they can never do anything right.

Most narcissistic mothers see motherhood as a burden and like to let it be

known how much work it is. They do not take into account that children are not
merely mirrors of themselves and that they are actual human beings with wants,
needs, and feelings different than their own.
They often pick a favorite, or a golden child, who can do no wrong and grows up
with unrealistic expectations of praise and worth. They also have children that
are the scapegoats, the ones who all the blame is put on and are never worthy
enough no matter how great their achievements may be.
They play the children off of each other for their own amusement, which causes
riffs between the siblings that may not be mended easily. The narcissistic parent
is always comparing the children and blaming them for his or her shortcomings.

Narcissistic parents treat their children in different ways. They either try to
control them, ignore them completely, or engulf them and make it so they
cannot develop into their own self.
A narcissistic mother fails to treat her child as an authentic person with wants
and needs which may not match up with hers. She is completely self-centered
and needs the attention to be all about her no matter what. If her childs
accomplishment is something to be admired, shell take all the credit for it while
at the same time telling their child that they couldve done better.
Parenthood is never about anyone else but them. For most people, having a child
means having someone to take care of and love, not the other way around. A
narcissist cares about no one but themselves and not even having a child can
change their mindset.

Narcissistic Types

There are many faces of narcissism. Some of these may not be scientific or
politically correct terms, but I feel that if you have a narcissistic mother in your
life, you may be able to recognize some of these and nod your head in
agreement.
1.The Time Hostage: Your mom gets mad at you when you need to reschedule
but assumes you will reschedule with her and/or repeatedly cancels on you last
minute.
2.The Quietly Self-Absorbed Narcissist: Shes socially withdrawn and odd
thinking, with morose self-doubts and a relentless search for power and has
fantasies of great achievements.
3.The Nice Narcissist: Shes nice. She just needs you to agree with her at all
times or she wont like you.
4.The Victim: She is unable to take accountability for her choices. She looks at a
problem and blames it on something out of her control instead of searching for
anything in the situation she can change.
5.The Attacker: She comes at you with attacks to see if you admit to anything or,
as a way of expressing her fears.
6.The Downer: She is so busy talking about why everything is lacking that she
isnt emotionally present to you.
7.The Assessor: It is her job to critique how you measure up and point out
anything you could improve on, not to give at least equal time to telling you what
you do right.
8.The Credit Taker: She takes credit for everything, whether she deserves it or
not. She passes the blame onto others, whether justified or not. Shes always
right, never wrong.
9.The Jealous Narcissist: If you have it, she wants it or will strive to make it seem
worth less than it is and devalue it.
10.The Competitor: She lets you know you may be good but she is better, or
prettier, or smarter, or more accomplished than youll ever be.
11.The Operator: She works her own agenda at all times. Shes walled off in her
plans for you and everyone else whether you agree with her or not.
12.The Fading Beauty: She is not handling the aging process well and looks at
your comparable youth as an affront.
13.The Beauty Queen: She identifies herself strongly with her attractiveness and
may have been the homecoming queen, the best dressed, or known for her
beauty. Shes especially bothered if you dont try to make the most of your
looks.

14.The Innocent Narcissist: Shes highly defensive and extremely hostile but
masks it behind a poor me facade of vulnerability.
15.The Enraged Narcissist: She screams to get her needs met and projects rage
without a filter, not caring who sees it. She doesnt apologize for her actions.
16.The Vengeful Narcissist: She enjoys inflicting pain on others and getting back
at them if she does not get her way.
17.The Passive Aggressive Narcissist: She sulks and gives the silent treatment
and plots how to punish those who dont give her what she wants. She is
vindictive and capable of becoming a stalker.
18.The Stealth Narcissist: She fakes an interest in other people and their needs
and knows that acting concerned with get her what she wants.
19.The Cruel Narcissist: She is never fair and her discipline shows that. She
knowingly causes you pain and enjoys knowing that you are miserable.
20.The Character Assassinator: She is always trying to tarnish your reputation by
lying, exaggerating, or manipulating the facts to make you look bad and to make
her look good.
21.The Stingy Narcissist: Gifts, compliments, advice and money are given, but
look out when you inevitably fail.
22.The Wounded Narcissist: She feels victimized and the world is against her.
She needs you to take care of her and aid in her every want and need.
23.The Disdainful Narcissist: You are treated as though you are less than what
she expected, a disappointment or failure.
24.The Scapegoating Narcissist: Her life would be better if you were better, or
whoever shes choosing to scapegoat was better. And it will not be better until
this person changes.
25.The User Narcissist: She takes advantage of you and treats you as more of an
employee than anything else. She uses you to get ahead in her own life.
26.The Boundary-less Narcissist: There is no difference between you and her, you
are an extension of her and therefore she has no limits. She intrudes on your
space and looks through your personal belongings. She embarrasses you
constantly.
27.The Amnesia Narcissist: No matter what healthy requests youve made, it is
as if you have to repeat yourself every time. For example, Please dont hug me
or kiss me, it makes me feel uncomfortable, is ignored.
28.The Needy Narcissist: You dont give me enough calls or attention. She
wants more from you than anyone could deliver.

29.The Time-Sucker Narcissist: You could spend every minute with this person
and they would still feel neglected.
30.The Mind-Reader Narcissist: You didnt say it, you didnt think it, and yet they
have read into something and insist it is true.
31.The Clairvoyant Narcissist: You didnt say it, you didnt think it, but once they
have said it you realize its true and its usually something negative about them
(can cause identity confusion for you).
32.The Touchy-Feely Narcissist: You are expected to tolerate her touching you
however and whenever they want.
33.The Holiday Narcissist: You dont exist unless it is their birthday or a holiday
where she feels the need for family time.
34.The Glamour Narcissist: She is all about making herself look good. She buys
the most expensive clothes, gets her hair and nails done, and doesnt care about
the amount of money she spends.
35.The Rockstar Narcissist: She believes that she is the center of attention and it
should always be that way. Shes the main attraction and wants everyone to
idolize her, even if she really has no talents or reason to be in the limelight.
36.The World Traveler Narcissist: She brags about places shes been and makes
up stories about the places she hasnt been, but tells people she has. She has
grandiose fantasies about how worldly she is.
37.The Professor/Elite Intellectual Narcissist: She is brainy and seeks admiration
for her intelligence. She uses her intellect to put others down and make them
feel stupid.
38.The Stage Mom/The Promoter: She lives her fantasies through you. She makes
you do the things she wish she could [still] do and believes your achievements
are her own.
39.The Fashionista: She tells you how to dress and what not to wearoften when
youre already wearing it!
40.Miss Manners: She still meticulously points out your etiquette failures from
how you eat to what family events you should attend.
41.The Publicist: She brags about you to others but is excessively critical of you
when you are alone.
42.The Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde Narcissist: She is nice in public, but mean under her
breath or when alone.
43.The Forever Young Narcissist: When did you become more mature than your
mother? How old is she, really, emotionally?
44.The Hot Mama Narcissist: Sexualized and distracted.

45.The Lovesick Narcissist: Always chasing that ideal mate or trying to win the
affection of her partner.
46. The Enabler Mom: She is too distracted with your rebel siblings problems or
her partners addictive behaviors and seems to get a bit of a rush or power out of
rescuing.
47.The Social Butterfly: Everyone in town loves her, she is a generous host, but
she cant be bothered to make time for you.
48.The Hypochondriac Narcissist: She believes somethings physically wrong with
her, you should be checking in on her. And, if you dont, as luck would have it,
she unfortunately has something real going on every once in awhile. Or, its
nothing a reputable doctor will confirm but shes fighting off her cancer, leprosy,
etc. with special treatments shes managed to find through her own sheer will to
survive.
49.The Financially-Challenged Narcissistic: She just needs a little bit of help for
this umpteenth self created crisis and shes sorry she hasnt paid you back yet
for the last time you lent her money.
50.The Martyr Narcissist: Her refrain is How Can You Do This to Me? She tells
you that you make her miserable, suicidal, isolated, or some other negative
emotion. You are told that, in one way or another, you control her emotions and
that if you would just do what she wanted she would be fine.
51.The BFF (Best Friends Forever) Narcissist: You are her best friend, she doesnt
know what she would do without you, unless she had a better offer, in that case
youll just have to wait until the next time shes lonely. You are brought out like a
doll when she wants attention then ignored when she doesnt need it (but
seriously, when doesnt she need it?). This is also a description of what is
experienced when someone is anothers narcissistic supply.
52.The Expensive Narcissist: She has ruined your credit through manipulation to
use your credit.
53.The Criminal Narcissist: Some narcissists exploit their children or others
through identity theft, mismanagement of trust funds, and fraudulent financial
dealings. You may or may not have been the target of her crime, but she doesnt
see the rule of law applies to her. She may have Antisocial Personality Disorder,
which is a pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. As
if the narcissism wasnt enough!