wearing

God

Clothing, Laughter, Fire,

and Other Overlooked Ways
of Meeting God

1
L au r e n F. W i n n e r

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Grateful acknowledgment to the following for permission
to use their previously published works:
Jeanne Murray Walkers Staying Power, published in Helping the Morning
(Seattle, WA: WordFarm, 2014), is used by permission of the author.
But Not With Wine is from The Selected Poetry of Jessica Powers
published by ICS Publications, Washington, D.C. All copyrights,
Carmelite Monastery, Pewaukee Wl. Used with permission.
In order to protect the privacy of church members and friends,
some of the names and identifying details of people who
appear in this books vignettes have been changed.
wearing god: Clothing, Laughter, Fire, and Other Overlooked Ways
of Meeting God. Copyright 2015 by Lauren Winner. All rights
reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book
may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical
articles and reviews. For information address HarperCollins Publishers,
195Broadway,NewYork,NY10007.
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fi rst edi t ion
Designed by Ralph Fowler
The leaf ornament throughout this book is part of the text font family
Type Embellishments. Used by permission.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-P ublication Data
Winner, Lauren F.
Wearing God : clothing, laughter, fire, and other overlooked ways
of meeting God / Lauren F. Winner. first edition.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
isbn 9780061768125
1. Image of God. 2. SpiritualityChristianity. 3. Spiritual lifeChristianity.
4. Christian womenReligious life. I. Title.
BT103.W56 2015
231.7dc23 2015001455
15 16 17 18 19rrd(h)10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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For Sarah

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Were we, in our effort to give an account of God, to

make use only of expressions that are literally true,
it would be necessary for us to desist from speaking
of Him as one that hears and sees and pities and
wills to the point where there would be nothing left
for us to affirm except the fact of His existence.
t he sadia gaon

Everything I see of the heavens,

I know by the earth.
pattiann rogers

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Contents
The God Who Runs after
Your Friendship
1
A Short Note on Gender and
Language for God
25
Clothing
31
Smell
63
Bread and Vine
91
Laboring Woman
133
Laughter
179

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contents

Flame
203
In This Poverty of Expression,
Thou Findest That He Is All
227

111
A Short Note from the Womens Prison
243
A Bookshelf to Quicken Your Scriptural Imagination
251
Notes
255
Acknowledgments
285

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God

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The God Who Runs

after Your Friendship

1
The best metaphors always [give] both a
shock and a shock of recognition.
s allie mcfague

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n some days, I know instinctively that God is closer

to me than my nearest neighbor. On other days,
God seems distant and inscrutable, but some days
God is neighborly, and close at hand. One fine morning I see
a jackdaw out my window on the branch of the tree, and for
a week or so I think about how God is like a bird. And sometimes I fear God, and sometimes I dont give God a passing
glance, and then I feel I should think about God more.
Sometimes, a hymn gets caught in my hair, and I sing it
all week long, off and on, without ever thinking hard about
what it says about God.
Some days God feels like an abyss. Some days God feels
like the father I always wanted, and some days God seems
like the father I actually have. Some days I know that God
is whatever gives me solace, and wherever I abide. On some
days, maybe many days, I dont picture God at all.
If you, like me, picture God in lots of different ways,
or if sometimes God seems easy to speak about, and on
some days you have no words for God, and sometimes you
feel that there are too many words for God, so many that
the abundance stumps youif that is the case, then you
are pretty much right in line with how the Bible invites us

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t h e god w ho ru ns a f t er you r fr ie ndship 3

to imagine God: in some very singular ways; in dizzyingly

hundreds of ways; sometimes, in no way at all.
I started thinking about all this a few years ago when
two circumstances converged in my life. The first circumstance was that I found myself newly fascinated by the
Bible. I had always been a member of one or another religious communityfirst synagogues, then churchesthat
loved the Bible, that encouraged individual and corporate
study of the Bible, that held up the Bible as the word of
God. I had diligently (and sometimes not so diligently) tried
to get on board with this, but in all honesty for many years
I was just not that interested in Bible reading. I liked prayer
books. I liked to study church history. I found the Bible
boring. And then, at about thirty-three, about five years
ago, Cupid came and shot me with a Bible arrow and I got
very interested in the Bible for the first time. I became like
an infatuated schoolgirl, obsessed. I began to see that one
of the amazing things about the Bible is that its so multilayered. Even when I think I understand a biblical story,
even when I think Ive gotten to the kernel of insight the
story holdsit turns out there is something more there,
something I havent yet seen. As a rabbi with the wonderful name Ben Bag Bag once said of the Talmud, Turn it
and turn it, for everything is in it. Look deeply into it, and
grow old with it, and spend time over it, and do not stir
from it, because there is no greater portion. Turn it and
turn itthere is always more to see. This amazes me. This
is why the Bible is different from Pride and Prejudice or
Little Women. There is a lot to see in Pride and Prejudice

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wearing god

and Little Women. There is much to see. But I do not for a

minute believe that even the best novel endlessly overflows
in the same way that the Bible does. This amazes me, this
endless overflowing.
All that began to happen about five years ago: I began
to be awake to the scriptures. At around that time, I was
also in a particular spot in my friendship with God. Simply
put, I had felt very far away from God for some years. It
was a long season, salty and bitter, but it did not last forever. During the months in which I was emerging from that
seasonthe months in which I was beginning to realize
that God had been there all along; that maybe what had felt
to me like Gods absence was actually a tutorial in Gods
mystery; that maybe it was my imagination, not God, that
had faltered
during that emergence, I began to notice
God darting hither and thither, and I began to notice that
I was darting hither and thither near God, and I began
to realize that my pictures of God were old. They were
not old in the sense of antique champagne flutes, which
are abundant with significance precisely because they are
oldwhen you sip from them you remember your grandmother using them at birthday dinners, or your sister toasting her beloved at their wedding. Rather, they were old like
a seventh-grade health textbook from 1963: moderately interesting for what it might say about culture and science in
1963, but generally out of date. My pictures of God werent
of Zeus on a throne, the Sistine Chapel God. Instead, my
pictures were some combination of sage professor and boyfriend, and while sage professor and boyfriend might, as

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metaphors, have some true and helpful things to say about

God, I found that neither of them had much to say about
this new acquaintance I was embarking on, or being embarked on. All this intersected, not coincidentally, with my
newfound wakefulness to the scriptures, and it led me on
a search: what pictures, what images and metaphors, does
the Bible give us for who God is, and what ways of being
with God might those pictures invite?

111

he Bible has a great deal to say about this. Your church

might primarily describe God as king, or light of the
world, or ruler of all. In my church, we tend to call God
Father, or speak of God as shepherd or great physician.
When we are really going out on a limb, we pick up Matthew and Lukes avian image and pray to God the mother
hen tending her brood. Most churches do thishew closely
to two or three favored images of God, turning to them
in prayer and song and sermons. Through repetition and
association, these few images can become ever richer: there
was once a time when I didnt have many thoughts or feelings about God as great physician, but now I have prayed to
that God with Carolanne, whose husband is pinned down
by Parkinsons, and Belle, who so much wants to keep this
pregnancy, and Albert, who is dogged by depression, and
because of those prayers, and the fears and hopes and miracles and disappointments they carry, God-
as-
physician
seems a richer image than I first understood.

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wearing god

Yet the repetition of familiar images can have the opposite effect. The words become placeholders, and I can speak
them so inattentively that I let them obscure the reality whose
place they hold. I repeat them, I restrict my prayer to that
small cupful of images, and I wind up insensible to them.
Unlike my church, with its four favored metaphors, the
Bible offers hundreds of images of Godimages the church
has paid a great deal of attention to in earlier centuries,
although many are largely overlooked now. Drunkard. Beekeeper. Homeless man. Tree. Shepherd and light are
perfectly wonderful images, but in fixing on themin fixing on any three or four primary metaphors for Godwe
have truncated our relationship with the divine, and we
have cut ourselves off from the more voluble and variable

E
There are many metaphorical names for God in the biblical
literature ... but playing a privileged role amongst them are
anthropomorphic titles. These personify God, and it seems
that the biblical writers were pressed to use anthropomorphism to do justice to a God whose acts they wished to chronicle. This is a God who cajoles, chastises, soothes, alarms,
and loves, and in our experience it is human beings who pre-
eminently do these things. Early Christian theologians saw
in this plentitude of divine titles a revelation of the manner
in which God, while remaining one and holy mystery, is in
diverse ways God with us.
Janet Martin Soskice

E
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witness of the scriptures, which depict God as clothing. As

fire. As comedian. Sleeper. Water. Dog.
There are plenty of psychological and even medical
reasons why our images of God matter. Scholars have found
correlations between the ways a person imagines God, on
the one hand, and, on the other hand, eating disorders,
shame, and alcoholism. People who primarily imagine God
to be distant and judging, as opposed to intimate and loving, tend more toward psychopathology and have a higher
rate of gun ownership. I recently read that, according to a
study done at the University of Miami, among HIV patients better immune functioning is found among those
who have an image of God that is more compassionate and
loving than those who have images of God as more judgmental and punitive. ... Changes in God image changes
t-cells in randomized trials.
There are also social and political consequences to our
images of God. As theologians Mary Daly and Judith Plaskow have pointed out, the characteristics we attribute to
God will always be those characteristics we value most
highly in our own society: we will value what we take God
to be (and perhaps, conversely, its what we value that we
take God to be). So if we say that a core characteristic of
God is mercy, we will value merciful p
eople. If we imagine
God as one who nurtures, we will value nurturing. If we
pray to a God who is a property owner (as in the parables
of the vineyard), we will admire people who own houses
and land. If we focus instead on God as a homeless man (as
in Matthew 8:20 and Luke 9:58), we might accord homeless p
eople more esteem.

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wearing god

Underneath all that psychological and sociological ruminating, there are spiritual questions: How do our images of Godand our resulting images of ourselves (sheep?
vassals?)invite us to become (or interfere with our becoming) the p
eople God means us to be?
How do our images of God draw us into worship, reverence, adoration of God?
How do our images of God help us greet one another as
bearers of the image of God?
How do we pray to the God who is king or shepherd? Or
dog? How does the God who is king or shepherd pray in us?
If the kind of self-knowledge we seek is precisely knowledge of ourselves, unsheathed, before God, what self-
knowledge do we gain when standing (kneeling) before the
God who is a tree, a glass of living water, a loaf of bread?
(And what kind of bread? Might things change if we pause
to really think about bread, all the many kinds of bread
there are, how different they taste, what different memories
they conjure?)
Where, in the variegated topography of life with God, do
the images we hold of God invite us to go?
The Bibles inclusion of so many figures for God is both
an invitation and a caution. The invitation is to discovery:
discovery of who God is, and what our friendship with
God might become. The caution is against assuming that
any one image of God, whatever truth it holds, adequately
describes God. As Janet Martin Soskice has noted in her
reading of Deuteronomy 32which identifies God as a father who created you, and as the Rock that bore you ...

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the God who gave you birththe Bibles habit of stacking

many different metaphors for God on top of one another,
like a layer cake, is itself instructive, a reminder that we
cannot wholly locate God within any one image. Both paternal and maternal imagery are given in quick succession,
writes Soskice, effectively ruling out literalism, as does the
equally astonishing image of God as a rock giving birth.
None of these imagesrock, shepherd, vinecaptures
the whole of God because, as Benjamin Myers puts it,
God is too full, too communicative, too bright and
piercing to be easily spoken of. The euphony of biblical
speech about Godabout what God is like and how we,
with our finite minds, might imagine Godis a summons
to revel in Gods strange abundance. I go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for an afternoon, and when I come
out, I try to describe it to you, but all I am really describing is this blue Turkish bowl or that Flemish painting or
possibly the sandwich I ate in the caf at lunchtime. There
is (to again borrow from Myers) too much there to describe. And yet, I sat in front of that blue bowl for an
hour, and I sketched it, and I paid attention to it (and I
also paid attention to myself in its presence). What I can
say about the bowl is, if partial, also true and enlivening. The Bible gives us this surfeit of images in order to
rule out literalism, and the Bible gives us these images
because each image holds a different way (maybe many
different ways) into our life with God. Each image invites
a different response from us, a different way we might be
with and for God.

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wearing god

One of my favorite sermons is one preached by Rabbi

Margaret Moers Wenig, many years ago, on the Jewish
holiday of Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is the holiest day of
the Jewish calendarit is the Day of Atonement, the day of
penance, when Jews fast and pray and beseech God to forgive them for the wrongs they have committed in the past
year. Rabbi Wenigs sermon was an extended metaphor:
God is like your grandmother, and she yearns for you to
visit her. When we speak of repentance, that is what we are
speaking ofpaying a visit to God, just as you might visit
your grandmother, after a long time away.
I was a high school student, not especially fond of either
of my grandmothers, when I heard the rabbi of my synagogue, in his Yom Kippur sermon, borrow Rabbi Wenigs
metaphor. Following Wenig, my rabbi suggested that the
process of repenting is like going to see your grandmother,
whom you had been ignoring.
Rabbi Wenigs picture of God stayed with me for a long
time. Every now and again, sometimes for reasons I could
discern and sometimes for no discernible reason, her picture came to mind: that God was a grandmother whom I
had not visited lately, who was perhaps deeply sad about
my absence, who longed for my visit and would welcome

E
All images are necessarily partial.
Marcia Falk

E
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t h e god w ho ru ns a f t er you r fr ie ndship 11

me any time I came. God was a grandmother at whose table

I might pass an afternoon having conversation and a piece
of pie. Maybe the time with my grandmother would be uncomfortable, or maybe it would feel exactly like coming
home, or maybe I would be bored or feel guilty, or maybe I
would feel grateful and suffused with love. Visits with God
feel all of those ways, just as visits with my grandmothers,
both now dead, sometimes felt.
Over a period of several decadesduring which time
I joined the Episcopal Church and was ordained to the
priesthoodRabbi Wenigs grandmother God sometimes
seemed to be nearby. And when I was emerging from that
salty season of feeling estranged from God, I decided I
would like to read the sermon. It turned out it was easy
to find. It had been widely anthologized, justly so. Some
of the versions I found had no citations, but some versions
had footnotes, and what astounded me most when I actually read the sermon was not that Rabbi Wenig managed

E
Every meaningful metaphor implies some differences between
the thing and that to which it points. When a metaphor suggests something quite the opposite of what we think, it can
evoke a negative reaction that might actually help us clarify the
objects under consideration. ... To be useful, a metaphor for
God needs to evoke [two] reactions at the same time: Oh, yes,
God is like that, and, Well, no, God is not quite like that.
Carolyn Jane Bohler

E
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12

to exactly describe repentance without ever using the verb

repent, though that did astound me; and not how drawn
I felt to the God she evoked, though that astounded me,
too. What astounded me most was that many of the images
in Rabbi Wenigs sermon came from scripture and liturgy.
Wenigs suggestion that God might grow older is, for example, drawn from a centuries-old prayer that describes God
as a young man and as an old man, with the hair on thy
head now gray, now black. Grandmother Gods explicit
longing for Her children was inspired by Gods declaration
in a Rosh Hashanah prayer that my heart longs for [my
dearest child], / My womb aches for him (the prayer in
turn draws on Jeremiah and Ezekiel). Gods loving declaration that we should not be afraid, because God will be with
us even when we are gray-headed and aging, came straight
from Proverbs 3:25 and Isaiah 46:4.
I had always assumed that Wenig had made up the image
of God as a grandmotherthat she had invented it from
whole cloth. The footnotes showed me that I was wrong.
Certainly, Rabbi Wenigs sermon is creative, and certainly it did in part come from her imagination, but it also
came from the Bible and other classical Jewish texts. The

E
No one image or model, however elusive or rich, can do
more than offer glimpses and hints toward the divine.
Nicola Slee

E
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t h e god w ho ru ns a f t er you r fr ie ndship 13

f ootnotes gave the sermon a bit of weight I had not allowed

it to have before. Rabbi Wenigs God was not dreamed up
by one lone person in the late twentieth century. It was
grounded in the ways the p
eople of God had long imagined
God and long prayed to God. And it was also grounded in
Rabbi Wenigs own daily life, in her life as a daughter or
granddaughter who knew what it was like to stay away and
not visit.
Returning to God after dallying far away is, indeed,
somehow like visiting my grandmothers. It was hard to visit
them. I felt that I should like them, but in fact I didnt like
them very much; and I felt that I should feel guilty about
this, but I didnt feel much guilt. They were a little scary. I
didnt know how to become close to them. I thoughtI still
thinkthat I disappointed them. Yet spending time with
them was sometimes surprising and wonderful. Sometimes
there was rum cake. Sometimes there was real connection.
Once or twice, I felt that my paternal grandmother understood me better than anyone ever would. Once, she and
I danced to Frank Loessers Fugue for Tinhorns in my
fathers living room. Now I am older, and I like to visit
them. It is now a sad, great pleasure to go to their graves,
which are two hundred yards apart in Riverside Cemetery
in Asheville, North Carolina.
God is lonely tonight, longing for her children, writes
Rabbi Wenig.
Come home, she wants to say to us. Come
home. But she wont call. She is afraid that well say
no. She can anticipate the conversation: We are so

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14

busy. Wed love to see you but we just cant come.

Too much to do. God knows that our busyness is
just an excuse. She knows that we avoid returning
to her because we dont want to look into her
age-worn face. It is hard for us to face a god who
disappointed our childhood expectations: She did
not give us everything we wanted. She did not make
us triumphant in battle, successful in business, and
invincible to pain. We avoid going home to protect
ourselves from our disappointment and to protect
her. We dont want her to see the disappointment
in our eyes. Yet, God knows that it is there and she
would have us come home anyway.
I have now read Rabbi Wenigs sermon dozens of times. It
never fails to stir me, and it often leads me to pray. God as
the grandmother I have neglected is not a metaphor that
I just think about. It is a metaphor that beckons me to go
somewhere toward and with God.

111

he biblical images for God that you will encounter in

this book are perforce selectedthey are the images
that have particularly resonated with me as I have meandered through the Bible. My attention is often grabbed by
images and metaphors that can be found in my daily life
clothing but not shepherds, fire but not kings. I have heard
in countless sermons that, however unfamiliar twenty-first-
century city folk are with shepherds, the original readers and

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t h e god w ho ru ns a f t er you r fr ie ndship 15

hearers and pray-ers of the Bible saw shepherds all the time,
and knew all about the qualities of a good shepherd and the
characteristics of sheep; to call God shepherdor for that
matter vine, vintner, or kingwas to describe God with
images drawn from peoples quotidian repertoires. I dont
live in a society in which I have daily contact with, or even
daily thoughts about, shepherds or kings, but many other
biblical images for God are still very much part of my daily
life. One of the invitations of this bookand, I think, of the
Bibleis this: you can discover things about God by looking
around your ordinary, everyday life. An ordinary Tuesday
what you wear, what you eat, and how you experience the
weatherhas something to offer you about God. There is a
method here, and it is Jesuss method. Jesus, after all, specialized in asking people to steep themselves in the words of the

E
We should exercise that far higher privilege which appertains
to Christians, of having the mind of Christ; and then the
two worlds, visible and invisible, will become familiar to us
even as they were to Him (if reverently we may say so), as
double against each other; and on occasion sparrow and lily
will recall Gods providence, seed His Word, earthly bread the
Bread of Heaven, a plough the danger of drawing back; to fill a
bason and take a towel will preach a sermon in self-abasement;
boat, fishing-net, flock or fold of sheep, each will convey an
allusion; wind, water, fire, the sun, a star, a vine, a door, a
lamb, will shadow forth mysteries.
Christina Rossetti

E
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16

scriptures and then to look around their ordinary Tuesdays

to see what they could see about holiness and life with God.
This is not merely entertaining wordplay to give overactive
minds something pious to do. It is the Bibles way of making
us aware of God and of the world in which we meet God.
One word you will encounter in this book, for example,
is friend. There isnt a chapter dedicated to God as friend,
but throughout the chapters, you will find the formulation
of pursuing or deepening your friendship with God, of making yourself available to friendship with God. This metaphor

E
The child became a man and the man became a preacher
whose sermons were full of commonplace things: seeds and
nets, coins and fishes, lilies of the field, and birds of the air.
Wherever he was, he had a knack for looking around him and
weaving what he saw into his sermons, whether it was sparrows for sale in the marketplace, laborers lining up for their
pay, or a woman glimpsed through a doorway kneading her
familys bread. ... The kingdom of heaven is like this, he
said over and over again, comparing things they knew about
with something they knew nothing about and all of the sudden
what they knew had cracks in it, cracks they had never noticed
before, through which they glimpsed bright and sometimes
frightening new realities. ... Every created thing was fraught
with divine possibility; wasnt that what he was telling them?
Every ho-hum detail of their days was a bread crumb leading
them into the presence of God, if they would just pick up the
trail and follow.
Barbara Brown Taylor

E
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comes from the writers of the Old Testament, who speak

of Abraham and Moses as the friends of God, and it comes
from the Gospel of John, where Jesus tells his disciples that
they are no longer his servants but his friends.
Although the language of p
eoples friendship with God is
woven through scripture, I first really heard the idiom from
Sam Wells, who was the dean of Duke Chapel during my
first few years at Duke Divinity School. It seems to me that
this formulation is one of Sams favorite ways of approaching God, but maybe my memory exaggerates its preponderance in his writing precisely because the image so needled
me at first. Sam would say something about Gods having given us everything we need to be Gods friends, and I
would wonder, Who am I to be a friend of the Almighty,
of my maker and redeemer? It seems almost disrespectful,
given Gods grandeur and transcendence, to speak of my
friendship with God.
But I kept hearing the language from Sam, and then I began
noticing that he was not the first interpreter of scripture to
use this idiom. Theologians through the agesIrenaeus,
Gregory of Nyssa, Thomas Aquinashave spoken of all
of us, not just biblical heroes, as friends of God. Theodoret
of Cyrus, a fifth-century bishop, said that friendship with
God is the entire goal of the Christian life. Eventually, I
decided to try the language myself, not because it had suddenly become easy or natural, but precisely because it had
not: it is one of my working theories in the spiritual life that
when a prayer (or a parable, or phrase from the Bible, or a
question posed in a sermon, or a picture in a museum, or
a passage in a book) rubs you the wrong way but you find

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wearing god

yourself unable to set down the rankling thing and move

on, the rankling might in fact be the Holy Spirits way of
getting your attention, of fixing your eyes and asking you
to look more closely at the prayer or parable or painting or
phraseto discover what it holds for you, if only youd be
willing to explore it, and yourself, deeply enough.
So
with the awkward intentionality of one who is
trying suddenly to call her fiancs parents, formerly Mr.
and Mrs. Browning, Mom and DadI began to practice and ponder my friendship with God. In sermons I
preached, in conversations I had with students, in my own
interior monologues, and in prayer, I adopted Sams metaphor (I realize it came first from Isaiah and 2 Chronicles
and Jesus, but I will always think of it as Sams)this more
intimate way of limning what I sought in the spiritual life,
and maybe what God seeks from me.
As I began to write and speak about friendship with
God, I tried, through two kinds of ponderings, to understand more fully what it might mean to be Gods friend (and
these are the same kinds of ponderings you will encounter
throughout Wearing God). First, what did Christians in

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God is friendship.
Aelred of Rievaulx

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earlier eras have to say about being friends with God? Second, what could my own life, which is full of friendship,
tell me about friendship with God?
As with many of the images I explore in this book, the
saints of the traditionpreachers and mystics, theologians
and pastorshad a great deal to say on the subject. In their
company, with their books and sermons on my lap, I began
to see how much a simple three-word idiom might hold.
I was especially drawn to Thomas Aquinass discussion
of friendship in his great treatise, the Summa Theologiae.
Friendship requires intimacy, said Aquinas: we see the
friend as an other self. That is a beautiful notion, but it
simply led me back to the question I had when I first heard
Sam Wells speak of our friendship with Godif to have a
friend is to have an other self, can I possibly claim the
Creator of all as a friend? The Summa, it turns out, is interested in this question. In the Summa, Aquinas examines
friendship through the writings of Aristotle, who, centuries
before, had argued that true friendship required mutuality,
reciprocity, and equalitythree things that dont seem to
exist between God and human beings. So, says Aquinas, if
Aristotles description of friendship is correct, can we possibly be friends with God? Then Aquinas answers his own
question: in a straightforward way, there is indeed no equality between God and me, between God and you. There is
no mutuality or reciprocity either. But there is Jesus, and
Jesus is a bridge. Jesuss life and work create a sort of mutuality. There is no mutuality or reciprocity between us
and God, but (as the theologian Mindy G. Makant has put

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it), Jesus makes it so. Jesus calls us his friends, and just
as Genesis reports that Gods speaking makes creation so,
Jesus words that we are his friends make it so.
When I took up the language of friendship with God,
then, I was not just adopting a nice phrase. My use of Sams
idiom, and my studious attempts to plumb the idiom, became diagnostic, showing me the limits of my own appreciation of all that Jesus is and does. If I were going to
understand myself as a person in a friendship with Godif
I were going to understand God as my friendI had to
accept, and expect, that my theological imagination would
be changed, deepened, stretched.
But the task of receiving God as friend, and receiving
myself as one who might be a friend to God, is not just
cerebral. To be embraced by this metaphor, there are certain spiritual practices I should take up. The fourth-century
preacher John Chrysostom said that two groups of people
are especially friends of God: saints and the poor. One way
to pursue our own friendship with God, said Chrysostom,
would be to pursue friendship with the people who are already Gods friends. We should pray, in order to become
friends of the saints, and we should practice hospitality
and generosity, in order to become friends of the poor. It
is through those disciplinesprayer and generositythat
we might become friends of the One who, in Chrysostoms
rendering of Jesuss words in John 15, said to his disciples,
I ran after your friendship.
Reading Aquinas and Chrysostom has helped me understand what friendship with God might entail, but so has

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reading my own life. What do I know about friendship from

close to four decades of being, or trying to be, a friend?
I know that friendship both requires and breeds
honestyperhaps foremost honesty with myself. When I
am lying to myself (as I have been known to do, usually
about something importantotherwise why bother?), I am
not available for friendship.
I know that friendship is rich and delightful. I know that
I could live anywhere if I had two or three real friends.
I know that friendship is often supported by institutions
and the structures they provide. A few years ago, the rector
of the church where I served as a priest associate left for
another job. The moment she announced she was leaving, I
began to dread the ways our friendship would sufferand
it has. It hasnt disappeared, but now it is entirely dependent
on our free time and our admittedly plentiful affection for
each other. We manage to meet for a cocktail about every
four months, which is better than nothing but a lot more
fragile than when we not only adored each other but also
shared common work and common concern for a parish.
Likewise, I do not look forward to the day I stop teaching
at the womens prison with my friend Sarah. I have buckets of affection for her, too, but it is a relief that we have
something to talk about other than current events and our
petty domestic squabbles; we also plan syllabi together,
and think together about what our students need from us,
and argue about which books to assign. Friendship benefits from the support of institutions: classes taught together,
church bazaars planned together.

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22

Also, I know I am an uneven, inconstant friend. Friendship has probably been the category of relationship most
sustaining in my life, and I have been lucky to have the most
interesting, most faithful friends in the world (you will meet
some of them in the pages of this book). But I am sporadic.
I can go months without calling. I sometimes give extravagantly to my friends, but if there were a balance sheet
which, thankfully, there is notI am pretty sure it would
show that I take more than I give. And yet I also know I
have grown as a friend. I am less inconstant than I once was.
I have begun to set aside other things, ratchet down other
priorities, so that I have more time to practice friendship.
All this, it turns out, can be said of my friendship with
God. All this frames my life with God in a way that shows

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One of the aims of prayer is to grow in friendship with God.
If this is the case, then lets consider what constitutes a friendship, and then try to pray in accordance with that. One of
the things about friends is that they want the same thing for
each other. Not that they necessarily both want ice cream at
the same time, but that the well-being of one person is tied to
the well-being of the other. This doesnt just mean that God
wants what we want, but that we want what God wants out of
friendship for God. That is a basis for intercessory prayer. If
Gods deepest longing is for the well-being of the world, then
God wants the well-being of Bosnia, and we pray for that out
of friendship with God.
Roberta Bondi

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me certain things I might not have seen without the frame

of friendship. My friendship with God is supported by institutions like daily prayer and church. My friendship with
God is strengthened when, instead of just relying on our
nebulous affection for each other, I join in the work that
God lovesthe pursuit of justice, the work of hospitality.
My friendship with God requires and provokes honesty.
Also, I am uneven. I am inconstant. Yet I have begun to
grow as a friend. I am less inconstant than I once was.
I like living with the metaphor friendship with God. It
is still not an entirely comfortable idiom for me, but I am
more and more persuaded that it is uncomfortable precisely
because it calls me to account for my own unevenness. I
am more and more persuaded that it is an idiom I should
practice precisely because I find it unsettling.
In this book, we will explore several overlooked biblical
idioms for God. We will look at what the Bible itself suggests about these idioms, and what our daily lives have to
say about them, and what various preachers and pray-ers
and writers from earlier eras made of them. Your guide in
this exploration is a bookworm who can happily get lost
for a few days on a research trail, and I sometimes bring the
words of anthropologists or historians or literary critics to
bear on our ruminations. (Since the library of insights from
those who have gone before us, and from contemporary
scholars and preachers, is so rich, I have set additional gems
at the bottoms of many pages. These quotations are there
for stimulation and contemplation. Feel free to stop and linger over them, or skip them, or add your own musings.) Because I hope the book will help you sit down with God in a

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place the two of you have never visited before, each chapter
concludes with a prayer. The final aim of this book is not to
persuade you to stop thinking about God as your shepherd
and start thinking about God as a cardigan sweater or One
who weeps. The aim, rather, is to provoke your curiosity,
and to inspire your imagination, and to invite you farther
into your friendship with God.

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