WHO IS IN

YOUR FAMILY?
CONVERSATION GUIDE
FOR FACILITATORS

Note for Facilitators: This document is designed to be the centering point for a group conversation. You should
plan for the conversation to last between 60 and 90 minutes, depending on group size. Most parts are meant to be
read by members of the group, so you should plan to ask participants to take turns reading sections. Alternatively,
you can choose the first reader of a section, and then that reader chooses the next reader. Additional guidelines
and suggestions for planning and leading a successful conversation can be found at the end of this guide.

1. WELCOME
Getting Started
Before we begin, we need to agree on a few things:

In order for our conversation to be as rich as it can be, we need everyone to feel safe to really share and really listen.
Therefore, what is said in this conversation stays in this conversation, and may not be repeated outside it.

Our aim is to create a space where we can understand others and understand ourselves, not to give advice or to argue
ideas of objective truth. With that in mind, in this conversation we will agree to speak in the first-person, about our own
truth.

We will assume good faith in one another.

We will open ourselves to listen and learn from one another.

We wont rush to fill the silence.

Can we all agree to these things? If you feel, for whatever reason, that you cannot agree to these things, then please take
this opportunity to exit. By staying in the circle, we all signify our intention to abide by these commitments.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

2. ASK AND SHARE

Defining Family
Family is a heavy term. For some people family is everything, the deepest and firmest bond there is. For others family is
something to escape, a source of pain and frustration. For some people, family prompts a very traditional picture: mom and
dad, 2.2 kids and a dog in the front yard. For others, family can mean multiple moms and dads, step-siblings, aunts and
uncles who arent related by blood but who are family nonetheless.
Below are some images of family from popular culture. Take a look at them and see which ones resonate with you.

Note for Facilitators: Give people a minute to look at the images, then continue with the introductions below. You
might want to introduce yourself first to model how its done.

We havent introduced ourselves yet. So lets find out who we are. Please introduce yourself by telling us your name, any
other important info, and something about your reactions to looking at the images of family above.
A strict definition of family runs something like this: a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage. It can
be expanded to include a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy. But what
does related mean? Is it only blood or marriage or civil union? Or can we be related in other ways, and therefore part of a
family?

Reflecting on Experiences
Below is an essay from the This I Believe radio series of National Public Radio. Cecile Gilmer relates a powerful story about
family, which can help us reflect more on who we view as part of our family and why. Well read the story together, then
reflect on it individually, and discuss our reflections in small groups.

The People Who Love You When No One Else Will

By Cecile Gilmer
I believe that families are not only blood relatives, but sometimes just people that show up and love you when no
one else will.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

In May 1977, I lived in a Howard Johnsons motel off of Interstate 10 in Houston. My dad and I shared a room with
two double beds and a bathroom way too small for a modest 15-year-old girl and her father. Dads second
marriage was in trouble and my stepmother had kicked us both out of the house the previous week. Dad had no
idea what to do with me. And thats when my other family showed up.
Barbara and Roland Beach took me into their home because their only daughter, Su, my best friend, asked them
to. I lived with them for the next seven years.
Barb starched my drill team skirts same as Sus. She made sure I had lunch money, doctors appointments, help
with homework, Jordache jeans, puka shell necklaces and nightly hugs. Barbara and Roland attended every
football game where Su and I marched, every drama performance I was in even when I had no speaking lines. As
far as I could tell, for the Beaches, there was no difference between Su and me: I was their daughter, too.
When Su and I left for rival colleges, they kept my room the same for the entire four years I attended school.
Recently, Barb presented me with an insurance policy they bought when I first moved in with them and had
continued to pay on for 23 years.
The Beaches knew all about me when they took me in. When I was seven, my mother died of a self-inflicted
gunshot wound and from then on my father relied on other people to raise his kids. By the time I went to live with
the Beaches, I believed that life was entirely unfair and that love was tenuous and untrustworthy. I believed that
the only person who would take care of me was me.
Without the Beaches, I would have become a bitter, cynical woman. They gave me a home that allowed me to grow
and change. They kept me from being paralyzed by my past, and gave me the confidence to open my heart.
I believe in family. For me, it wasnt the family that was there on the day I was born, but the one that was there for
me when I was living in a Howard Johnsons on Interstate 10.

As you reflect on the essay, here are some questions you may want to consider:

What comes up for you as you read Ceciles story?

Does family matter to you? How?

Whats the difference between a friend and a family member?

Are there people youre not related to that you treat like family? What leads you to treat them that way? Conversely,
are there people you are related to who you dont treat like family? Why?

Use the space below to write some notes to yourself.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

Take a few moments to turn to your neighbor and share your reflections. After a while well have a chance to reconvene and
share some of our insights in the larger group.

Note for Facilitators: This is the heart of the conversation. Give people several minutes to re-read the essay and
prepare their thoughts. Then invite people to divide into pairs or triads and share their responses. Give them a
good amount of time for this:15 to 30 minutes or longer, depending on how much momentum they develop. Then
reconvene in the large group and ask people to share from their small-group conversations.
A few tips on facilitation:

The large-group debrief should take another 20-30 minutes.

Begin by asking for a volunteer to share an insight from their conversation. You might begin by asking, What
came up?

When each person is done, thank them for their comment.

Dont feel a need to rush or to fill silences.

If someone begins to monopolize the time, you might say, I want to be sure that everyone has a chance to
speak, so lets try to make room for another person.

For other ideas on facilitation, please refer to the AIR-IT guide at the end of this document. When you sense that
the group has finished sharing its responses to these questions, invite people to share any further insights or
reflections from the conversation, before moving to the conclusion.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

3. DO
Gaining Insight
A great teacher once said, Most questions worth asking are questions of membership. As humans, it seems we constantly
need to differentiate and distinguishto decide who and what is this, and who and what is that. Family is one of the basic
units of differentiation: some people are family, and some arent. But family has also been an evolving term for centuries:
nuclear families, extended families, families of origin and families we create on our own. And at times we find ourselves
extending our feeling of family to strangers and people we seem to have no connection to. Its a mysterious, beautiful, and
challenging thing.
As we conclude the conversation, here are a few final questions to consider:

Has this conversation helped you come to any new insights about your own sense of family?

What is one thing you want to do in the next 24 hours to act something you discovered in this conversation?

What could we do together to improve our community based on what weve talked about here?

Use the space below to note your response to these questions.

Thank you for being part of this conversation. Please share this conversation guide with others in your community. And join
our conversation online at www.facebook.com/askbigquestions.

Ask Big Questions is an initiative of Hillel: The Foundation for Jewish Campus Life in partnership with the
Einhorn Family Charitable Trust.
Visit AskBigQuestions.org to answer questions, learn from others, and join the movement.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

AIR-IT: A GUIDE TO FACILITATING GROUP CONVERSATION

A: Ask Big Questions.
Big Questions are different than Hard Questions.

Big Question

Hard Question

Anyone can answer it.

Experts will answer it best.

Example: When have you been a stranger?

Example: What is the history of racism on campus and what

can be done to promote greater inclusion?

Focuses on wisdom and experience.

Focuses on intelligence and skill.

Example: Whats the best advice youve ever received?

Example: Are human beings naturally good or evil?

Uses plain language.

Uses technical language.

Directed at a subject (me, you, us).

Directed at an object (it).

Example: What could we sacrifice to change the world?

Example: Is it better to cut spending or raise taxes to

balance the federal budget?

Opens up space and invites people in as participants

Closes space and leads people to feel like spectators.

Leads to sharing personal stories.

Leads to debates about truth claims.

Emphasizes a both/and approach.

Emphasizes an either/or approach.

I: Invite Personal Stories.

Big questions lead to sharing personal stories. The facilitator acts to support this by:

Creating the space (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual) of trust in which these stories can be shared and
honored.

Weaving: Summarize, reflect back, and keep the stories and observations tethered to the big question. This helps the
group to maintain integrity and not feel that it is fragmenting or fraying.

R: Really Listen.
Ask Big Questions conversations are marked by real listening. The facilitators reflecting back and weaving is crucial to this.
Participants should be able to answer questions like: What did so-and-so say? What do you think they meant when they
said it? What did it evoke in you?

IT: Use Interpretive Things.

Ask Big Questions conversations often use a text, poem, artwork, song, natural object or other interpretive thing to help
center the conversation and create a common point of access for all participants.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

QUESTIONS TO ASK WHEN PREPARING FOR A GROUP CONVERSATION

Where?

Does the place where youre having the conversation create a space in which people can feel safe?

Is it a closed space? Does it have a door you can close to ensure privacy and confidentiality when needed?

What can you do to make the space visually appealing or lovely? Does it have windows to let in light? Do you want to
play some music?

Can everyone sit comfortably in a circle?

When?

Are you scheduling the conversation at a time when everyone can be physically awake and present?

Will people be hungry? Will you provide food or drink?

Will they be tired or sleepy after a meal?

How long will the conversation be?

How will you break up the time if necessary?

Who and How?

How many people will participate? Will there be enough to sustain diverse conversation? Will there be too many to keep
the conversation centered?

How will you get the word out and then remind people?

Do you need to make any special arrangements for people with special needs (i.e. physical disabilities)?

Greetings Who will welcome people to the conversation and how will they do it?

How will you have everyone introduce themselves? (Big Questions are great for introductions!)

How will you close the conversation?

How will you follow up with people?

How will you capture their contact information?

What About You?

What will you do to get yourself ready?

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

WHO IS IN
YOUR FAMILY?
CONVERSATION GUIDE
FOR PARTICIPANTS

1. WELCOME
Getting Started
Before we begin, we need to agree on a few things:

In order for our conversation to be as rich as it can be, we need everyone to feel safe to really share and really listen.
Therefore, what is said in this conversation stays in this conversation, and may not be repeated outside it.

Our aim is to create a space where we can understand others and understand ourselves, not to give advice or to argue
ideas of objective truth. With that in mind, in this conversation we will agree to speak in the first-person, about our own
truth.

We will assume good faith in one another.

We will open ourselves to listen and learn from one another.

We wont rush to fill the silence.

Can we all agree to these things? If you feel, for whatever reason, that you cannot agree to these things, then please take
this opportunity to exit. By staying in the circle, we all signify our intention to abide by these commitments.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

2. ASK AND SHARE

Defining Family
Family is a heavy term. For some people family is everything, the deepest and firmest bond there is. For others family is
something to escape, a source of pain and frustration. For some people, family prompts a very traditional picture: mom and
dad, 2.2 kids and a dog in the front yard. For others, family can mean multiple moms and dads, step-siblings, aunts and
uncles who arent related by blood but who are family nonetheless.
Below are some images of family from popular culture. Take a look at them and see which ones resonate with you.

We havent introduced ourselves yet. So lets find out who we are. Please introduce yourself by telling us your name, any
other important info, and something about your reactions to looking at the images of family above.
A strict definition of family runs something like this: a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage. It can
be expanded to include a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy. But what
does related mean? Is it only blood or marriage or civil union? Or can we be related in other ways, and therefore part of a
family?

Reflecting on Experiences
Below is an essay from the This I Believe radio series of National Public Radio. Cecile Gilmer relates a powerful story about
family, which can help us reflect more on who we view as part of our family and why. Well read the story together, then
reflect on it individually, and discuss our reflections in small groups.

The People Who Love You When No One Else Will

By Cecile Gilmer
I believe that families are not only blood relatives, but sometimes just people that show up and love you when no
one else will.
In May 1977, I lived in a Howard Johnsons motel off of Interstate 10 in Houston. My dad and I shared a room with
two double beds and a bathroom way too small for a modest 15-year-old girl and her father. Dads second
marriage was in trouble and my stepmother had kicked us both out of the house the previous week. Dad had no
idea what to do with me. And thats when my other family showed up.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

Barbara and Roland Beach took me into their home because their only daughter, Su, my best friend, asked them
to. I lived with them for the next seven years.
Barb starched my drill team skirts same as Sus. She made sure I had lunch money, doctors appointments, help
with homework, Jordache jeans, puka shell necklaces and nightly hugs. Barbara and Roland attended every
football game where Su and I marched, every drama performance I was in even when I had no speaking lines. As
far as I could tell, for the Beaches, there was no difference between Su and me: I was their daughter, too.
When Su and I left for rival colleges, they kept my room the same for the entire four years I attended school.
Recently, Barb presented me with an insurance policy they bought when I first moved in with them and had
continued to pay on for 23 years.
The Beaches knew all about me when they took me in. When I was seven, my mother died of a self-inflicted
gunshot wound and from then on my father relied on other people to raise his kids. By the time I went to live with
the Beaches, I believed that life was entirely unfair and that love was tenuous and untrustworthy. I believed that
the only person who would take care of me was me.
Without the Beaches, I would have become a bitter, cynical woman. They gave me a home that allowed me to grow
and change. They kept me from being paralyzed by my past, and gave me the confidence to open my heart.
I believe in family. For me, it wasnt the family that was there on the day I was born, but the one that was there for
me when I was living in a Howard Johnsons on Interstate 10.

As you reflect on the essay, here are some questions you may want to consider:

What comes up for you as you read Ceciles story?

Does family matter to you? How?

Whats the difference between a friend and a family member?

Are there people youre not related to that you treat like family? What leads you to treat them that way? Conversely,
are there people you are related to who you dont treat like family? Why?

Use the space below to write some notes to yourself.

Take a few moments to turn to your neighbor and share your reflections. After a while well have a chance to reconvene and
share some of our insights in the larger group.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

3. DO
Gaining Insight
A great teacher once said, Most questions worth asking are questions of membership. As humans, it seems we constantly
need to differentiate and distinguishto decide who and what is this, and who and what is that. Family is one of the basic
units of differentiation: some people are family, and some arent. But family has also been an evolving term for centuries:
nuclear families, extended families, families of origin and families we create on our own. And at times we find ourselves
extending our feeling of family to strangers and people we seem to have no connection to. Its a mysterious, beautiful, and
challenging thing.
As we conclude the conversation, here are a few final questions to consider:

Has this conversation helped you come to any new insights about your own sense of family?

What is one thing you want to do in the next 24 hours to act something you discovered in this conversation?

What could we do together to improve our community based on what weve talked about here?

Use the space below to note your response to these questions.

Thank you for being part of this conversation. Please share this conversation guide with others in your community. And join
our conversation online at www.facebook.com/askbigquestions.

Ask Big Questions is an initiative of Hillel: The Foundation for Jewish Campus Life in partnership with the
Einhorn Family Charitable Trust.
Visit AskBigQuestions.org to answer questions, learn from others, and join the movement.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.

ASKBIGQUESTIONS.ORG
UNDERSTAND OTHERS. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.