The Loch Ness Punster (Excerpt)

7
43 Old Cemetery Road
Dont miss the first six books!
www.hmhco.com

The Loch ness Punster
The Loch Ness Punster
www.kateandsarahklise.com
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
BOOK
S EV E N
Kate Klise q M. Sarah Klise
As children, author Kate Klise (left) and

illustrator M. Sarah Klise (right) were lucky
enough to visit Scotland on a family vacation.
They loved seeing the lush green countryside
and marveled at the mysterious lakes or lochs.
They did not, however, see the Loch Ness
Monster. (Not on that trip, anyway.)
Kate now looks for mysterious monsters at
her home in Norwood, Missouri. Sarah searches
for sea serpents and other creatures at her home
in Berkeley, California.
Jacket illustrations 2015 by M. Sarah Klise
$15.99
Higher in Canada

1581613
$15.99/Higher in Canada
ISBN 978-0-544-31337-8
Illustrated by
Kate Klise
M. Sarah Klise
Have you heard

the one about the
tortoise and the heir?
reat Scot! A telegram has just arrived at
Spence Mansion with news that twelve-yearold Seymour Hope has inherited a castle in
Loch Ness, Scotland. It could be the perfect
summer vacation house for Seymour and his
parents, Olive C. Spence and Ignatius B.
Grumply. But Iggy wants nothing to do with
the castle. Why? Because it was owned by
his uncle Ian, world-famous psychiatrist and
worlds worst punster. So while Iggy stays
home to write, Seymour and Olive set off for
Scotlandeach with a secret.
Meanwhile, its no secret that the Ghastly
Public Librarys Borrow-a-Pet summer program
is turning into a disaster. Pets are unruly.
Library patrons are unhappy. An expensive
tortoise is missing. And no one is grumpier
than Iggy, who has an unexpected houseguest:
the ghost of his uncle Ian.
Told in letters, drawings, instant messages,
and a series of ghostly conversations, The
Loch Ness Punster will make you feel lochy to
be alive in a world full of laughter, love, and
legendary surprises.
Text copyright 2015 by Kate Klise

Illustrations copyright 2015 by M. Sarah Klise
This is a work of fiction. All the names, characters, places, organizations, and events portrayed in this
book are products of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to any organization, event, or actual
person, living or dead, is unintentional.
All rights reserved. For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book,
write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 215 Park Avenue South,
New York, New York 10003.
www.hmhco.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Klise, Kate.
Loch Ness punster / by Kate Klise ; illustrated by M. Sarah Klise.
pages cm. (43 Old Cemetery Road ; book 7)
Summary: Twelve-year-old Seymour Hope and his ghostly mother Olive go to Scotland to claim a
castle inherited from Ignatius Grumplys punster uncle, Ian, but while they tend an aged tortoise and
face an unscrupulous developer, Iggie deals with Ians ghost and an inept insurance agent.
ISBN 978-0-544-31337-8
[1. LettersFiction. 2. GhostsFiction. 3. UnclesFiction. 4. Inheritance and successionFiction.
5. TurtlesFiction. 6. ScotlandFiction. 7. Humorous stories.] I. Klise, M. Sarah, illustrator. II. Title.
PZ7.K684Loc 2015
[Fic]dc23
2014015884
Designed by M. Sarah Klise

Manufactured in the United States of America
DOC 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
45xxxxxxxx
Welcome to Spence Mansion

If youve visited before, you know Spence Mansion is a
32-room house in Ghastly, Illinois.
It was built by Olive C. Spence in 1874.
She lived here until her death in 1911.
Shes still here.
Can you see

her opera glasses
in the cupola?
43
Olive C. Spence is a ghost.

But you already knew that.
You also probably know that

Seymour Hope was abandoned
by his parents when he was
eleven years old.
Lucky for Seymour, he was

adopted by Olive C. Spence
and Ignatius B. Grumply,
a man who is often as grumpy
as his name suggests.
Together, this trio is creating

the worlds most popular ghost
story, 43 Old Cemetery Road.
The book is published
three chapters at a time
and sent to readers by mail.
43 Old
ry Road
Cemete
rumply
us B. G
, Ignati Hope
Spence
r
Olive C. and Seymou
Olive and Ignatius write

the words. Seymour
draws the pictures.
Where do they
find inspiration?
Everywhere!
So far theyve published chapters

about Seymours parents, Olives
best friend, Ignatiuss former
fiance, and other assorted
villains and scoundrels.
But theres one subject theyve

never explored in their book.
Its a topic theyve never even
discussed as a family.
2.
6.
IGNATIUS B. GRUMPLY
A WRITER IN RESIDENCE
43 OLD CEMETERY ROAD
2ND FLOOR
GHASTLY, ILLINOIS
July 9
Dr. Ian Grumply
43 Old Castle Road
Loch Ness, Scotland
Dear Uncle Ian,
I have no desire to see your castle or hear any
more of your terrible jokes. Please do not contact
me again.
Why must you always be such a grouch?

Olive, please. Im trying to write a personal letter.
Can I have a little privacy?
If youll tell me why youre being so rude to an

elderly relative.
You dont know my uncle.
No, I dont. Stop scowling and tell me. Who is

Dr. Ian Grumply?
7.
2.
Hes a world-famous psychiatrist. I spent every
summer with him from the age of twelve until I left
for college.
Fascinating! Youve never told me anything

about your childhood.
I dont like talking about it or Uncle Ian. He was
the worlds worst uncle.
But consider this: Your uncle is Seymours

great-uncle. It might be nice for our son to meet
a relative. And Scotland is beautiful. I havent
been there since I was twelve. My family took a
summer vacation to the Scottish Highlands in
1830. Iggy, we should take a family vacation.
I hate family vacations.
Youd rather stay home and keep doing the same

thing month after month, year after year, and
never take any time off for fun?
Yes.
Good grief. Dont you know life is for living?

Now you sound like Uncle Ian. That was one of his
favorite sayings.
8.
The more I hear about your uncle, the more I

like the man.
You can like him all you want. I dont have to.
But arent you curious about Grumply Castle?

Dont you want to see Loch Ness?
I have no interest in Loch Ness or anything tha
Iggy, someones knocking at the front door.

Who is it?
I dont know, but I see a truck parked at the

curb. It says International Telegram Service.
Who would send a telegram in this day and age?
I have no idea. Go to the door and find out!
9.
3.
INTERNATIONAL
TELEGRAM SERVICE
To: Ignatius B. Grumply

Fr: Loch Ness Law Firm

July 9

IAN GRUMPLY DIED PEACEFULLY
IN HIS SLEEP TODAY STOP
PLEASE SEND SEYMOUR HOPE TO
SCOTLAND IMMEDIATELY TO CLAIM
HIS INHERITANCE STOP
8:59
PM
10.
THE GHASTLY TIMES

ere
W
Living in Ghastly Ti
me
s
Cliff Hanger, Editor
Friday, July 10
50 cents
Afternoon Edition
Hope Inherits Castle in Scotland

Seymour Hope never met his greatuncle Ian Grumply. But the 12-year-old
Ghastly boy is the sole heir to everything
the late Dr. Ian Grumply owned, including
a castle in Loch Ness, Scotland.
Im so excited to see it! said a delighted Hope. Ive never been to Scotland or
seen a real live castle. I just wish Iggy were
coming with us.
No thanks, said Ignatius B. Grumply, who will remain at Spence Mansion,
working on new chapters of the familys
bestselling book, 43 Old Cemetery Road.
Olive suggested I write about my past,
said Grumply. She thinks I should call the
new installment Growing Up Grumply.
What about the familys majority rule
policy, which states that whenever all three
residents of Spence Mansion cant agree
on a particular course of action, they do
whatever two residents want to do?
That, snapped Grumply, applies to
business decisions only. Grumply Castle
Hope and Spence will travel to Scotland

without Grumply.
is Seymours personal business. If it were
up to me, Id sell the castle and be done
with it. Who in the world wants to live in
Scotland?
Scotland is part of the United Kingdom.
It occupies the northern third of the island
of Great Britain and is governed by a constitutional monarchy. Queen Elizabeth is
Scotlands current head of state.
Library Launches Borrow-a-Pet Program

Want to borrow a puppy for the summer? How about a kitten, gerbil, hamster,
bird or snake?
Starting today, the Ghastly Public
Library will lend those pets and others to
anyone with a library card.
Im always looking for new summer programs to offer our patrons, said
M. Balm, chief librarian. This year I
thought it would be fun to let people
borrow pets, so I contacted Barry A. Lyve
at the Ghastly Pet Store.
Balm borrows pets from Lyve.
Continued on page 2, column 1
Page 2
The Ghastly Times
LIBRARY Continued from page 1, column 2
Lyve, a lifelong library supporter, was

all for it. Its a great way to try out a new
pet, he said. Plus, this means I can close
the shop and go on vacation. Itll be the
first time in 35 years.
Lyve left last night on a trip to Hawaii
after moving his collection of animals to
the Ghastly Public Library.
One Ghastly resident has already been
to the library to borrow a pet. Seymour
Hope arrived first thing this morning to get
Mr. Poe, said Balm.
Mr. Poe is a 198-year-old giant tortoise
that has lived at the Ghastly Pet Store for
decades.
July 10
New Insurance
Company Opens
in Ghastly
Now Open
We Insure Anything, Inc.
Garren Teed, agent
Garren Teed will insure anything.

Ask Garren Teed who needs insurance,
and his answer is emphatic: Everyone.
Insurance is the best way to protect yourself and your family from lifes
unfortunate events, explained Teed, an
authorized insurance agent for We Insure
Anything, Inc. Heres how it works, he
said. You agree to pay me a reasonable
fee every month. Then, if something terrible happenssay, your house burns down
or you get into a car accidentI give you
money to repair or replace your home or
car. Its that simple!
Teed is offering home, health, auto and
life insurance policies. He was recently
transferred from the We Insure Anything
home office in Davenport, Iowa, after failing to meet his sales quota.
Ghastly Pet Store

Your hometown pet store since 1830
14.
15.
NOIS
F ILLI EATH [
O
E
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STA
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[
Olive
(M
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s
addre
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IL
(City)

Ghastly
(Year)
eme
43 Old C
OF
DATE
th)
(Mon
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AT
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1911
(Date
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DEAT
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State o 5, 1911
May
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HE
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CUPA
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Write
EATH
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eject
nued r
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York
Public
Notary
ATH
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TIM
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UNIT
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MINT
GHASTLY PUBLIC LIBRARY
12 Scary Street........................Ghastly, Illinois

M. Balm...............................................Chief Librarian
July 15
Ignatius B. Grumply
Ghastly, Illinois
Dear Ignatius,
Are you sitting down? If not, please do.
Barry A. Lyve just called from Hawaii. He said he was
having second thoughts about the Borrow-a-Pet Program.
I assured him that our patrons are very responsible.
I cant imagine anyone losing or damaging your pets,
I said. But if someone does, the library will reimburse you
for your losses.
Thats when Barry said, Okay, just dont lend Mr. Poe to
anyone. That tortoise is worth ten thousand dollars.
Ten thousand dollars? I nearly fainted. Im still trembling
as I write these words, but I wanted to let you know so you
can return Mr. Poe to the library immediately. Ill keep him
safe until Barry returns from Hawaii.
Sincerely stressed out,
M. Balm
22.
IGNATIUS B. GRUMPLY
2ND FLOOR
GHASTLY, ILLINOIS
July 16
Mr. M. Balm
Ghastly Public Library
12 Scary Street
Ghastly, Illinois
Dear M. Balm,
I cant return Mr. Poe to the library. Seymour took
the blasted tortoise to Scotland.
Dont worry. Ill assume full responsibility. If anything happens to the tortoise, Ill pay the Ghastly
Pet Store ten thousand dollars. Lets just hope
nothing happens.
Sincerely responsible,
Ignatius B. Grumply
P.S. I wonder if I could buy a pet insurance policy.
23.
IGNATIUS B. GRUMPLY
2ND FLOOR
GHASTLY, ILLINOIS
July 17
Mr. Garren Teed
10 Scary Street
Ghastly, Illinois
Dear Mr. Teed,
Do you offer pet insurance? If so, Id like to buy a
ten-thousand-dollar policy for an elderly tortoise
named Mr. Poe.
Please send the paperwork to 43 Old Cemetery
Road for my signature.
Sincerely,
Ignatius B. Grumply
24.
GARREN TEED
July 20
Mr. Ichabod B. Grumpy
Ghastly, Illinois
Dear Mr. Grumpy,

Congratulations! Youre my first customer. Or you
will be my first customer, as soon as you buy a
policy.
I need to call the home office in Iowa to find out if
we offer tortoise insurance. But heres something
I know I can sell you today: life insurance. If youre
worried about an elderly tortoise, youre obviously a
caring and sensitive person who would never want to
leave your family financially devastated in the event
of your death.
Please stop by my office so I can explain the benefits of life insurance. And because youre my first
customer, I can offer you a two-for-one deal.
10 Scary Street
25.
Ghastly, Illinois
2.
If you buy one life insurance policy, you can put two
people on it. Thats double the protection for half
the price. You cant beat that, Ichabod!
Sincerely,
Garren Teed
P.S. Did you know theres a book called 43 Old Cemetery Road? I havent read it, but I hear its not bad,
if you like books. Ive never been much of a reader
myself.
26.
IGNATIUS B. GRUMPLY
2ND FLOOR
GHASTLY, ILLINOIS
July 21
Mr. Garren Teed
10 Scary Street
Ghastly, Illinois
Dear Mr. Teed,
Not much of a reader indeed. My name is Ignatius B.
Grumply, not Ichabod B. Grumpy. And I am familiar
with 43 Old Cemetery Road. Ive read the book and can
tell you that its better than not bad. In the future, it
would behoove you to do a little research on your potential customers.
You do, however, make a good point about life insurance. I am a sixty-five-year-old man in good health.
I have no plans to die anytime soon. But when I do, I
dont want my son, Seymour, or his mother, Olive, to
worry about money.
Please send me the paperwork for a one-million-dollar
life insurance policy. I do not need a two-for-one policy.
Also, let me know what you find out about tortoise
insurance.
Sincerely,
Ignatius B. Grumply
27.
July 23

Ichabod,
y.
me to the polic
d your wifes na
ad
e
to
th
k
,
or
ia
w
liv
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O
Its no extr
s to you or to
ything happen
iving spouse.
That way, if an
llars to the surv
do
on
illi
m
e
on
policy will pay
gn your policy.
n so you can si
ai
ag
by
op
st
Ill
ature.
ed Olivias sign
P.S. I dont ne

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7

43 Old Cemetery Road

Dont miss the first six books!

43 Old Cemetery Road

The Loch Ness Punster

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Kate Klise q M. Sarah Klise

As children, author Kate Klise (left) and

Jacket illustrations 2015 by M. Sarah Klise

Have you heard

Text copyright 2015 by Kate Klise

Designed by M. Sarah Klise

Welcome to Spence Mansion

Can you see

Olive C. Spence is a ghost.

You also probably know that

Lucky for Seymour, he was

Together, this trio is creating

Olive and Ignatius write

So far theyve published chapters

But theres one subject theyve

43 OLD CEMETERY ROAD

Why must you always be such a grouch?

If youll tell me why youre being so rude to an

No, I dont. Stop scowling and tell me. Who is

Fascinating! Youve never told me anything

But consider this: Your uncle is Seymours

Youd rather stay home and keep doing the same

Good grief. Dont you know life is for living?

The more I hear about your uncle, the more I

But arent you curious about Grumply Castle?

Iggy, someones knocking at the front door.

I dont know, but I see a truck parked at the

I have no idea. Go to the door and find out!

To: Ignatius B. Grumply

THE GHASTLY TIMES

Cliff Hanger, Editor

Hope Inherits Castle in Scotland

Hope and Spence will travel to Scotland

Library Launches Borrow-a-Pet Program

Continued on page 2, column 1

The Ghastly Times

LIBRARY Continued from page 1, column 2

Lyve, a lifelong library supporter, was

Garren Teed, agent

Garren Teed will insure anything.

Ghastly Pet Store

GHASTLY PUBLIC LIBRARY

12 Scary Street........................Ghastly, Illinois

43 OLD CEMETERY ROAD

43 OLD CEMETERY ROAD

We Insure Anything, Inc.

Dear Mr. Grumpy,

43 OLD CEMETERY ROAD

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