Hamlet 2

by
Andy Fleming & Pam Brady

June 30, 2006
AGAINST BLACK:
We hear a VOICE. We cant be sure, but it sounds like DAME
JUDY DENCH. We will assume it is.
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
To act is to live...
Out of the black, grainy VIDEO EMERGES with the title:
Dana Marshcz: Actor
CUT TO VIDEO -
We are watching an episode of The Facts of Life. BLAIR and
NATALIE are sitting on the couch, drinking sodas.
NATALIE
Blair, get real. Im the only girl
at Eastland Academy that hasnt
gone to Make Out Mountain with a
boy.
The doorbell RINGS.
BLAIR
Oh Natalie, dont go with a boy. Go
with a man.
The audience roars with LAUGHTER. Tootie comes barrelling
down the stairs.
TOOTIE
I hope this is the result of my IQ
Test!
Tootie swings the door open to reveal a MESSENGER.
MESSENGER
Delivery, Mam.
The actor playing the Messenger is terrible. His name is Dana
Marchz. The VIDEO FREEZES on his face and we slowly ZOOM IN.
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
To act is to breathe the poets
breath...
WE CUT TO A DIFFERENT VIDEO -
We are watching an episode of T.J Hooker. In a WAREHOUSE,
Hooker and Romano are chasing two THUGS.
ROMANO
Freeze!
Hooker jumps THUG #2 and knocks him to the ground.
HOOKER
Call for backup!
ROMANO
This is Unit 4, Adam 30 with one
suspect down. We need backup!
Hooker slaps cuffs on the Thug #2.
THUG #2
Ow that hurts!
WE FREEZE and SLOW ZOOM on Thug #2. It is Dana Marshcz. He
has not improved in ability.
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
...It is to embody the dreams of
man. To live as an actor is to live
a dream...
CUT TO VIDEO -
An episode of Falcon Crest.
In a FANCY RESTAURANT, Angela Channing is having a lavish
dinner with Chase Gioberti. She pours him wine.
ANGELA CHANNING
I hope youve enjoyed the new
vintage. I believe it is the finest
wine in Tuscany Valley.
A French Chef walks by the table.
ANGELA CHANNING
Oh, Pierre...
The Chef stops. It is Dana Marschz, in a giant toque and a
moustache.
ANGELA CHANNING
...the chateaubriand was wonderful.
2.
CHEF
(bizarre accent)
Merci, Madame.
Again, terrible. We FREEZE on his stupid smile.
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
But dreams are ephemeral. And
sometimes impossible.
FADE OUT -
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
So where do dreams go to die?
FADE UP - EXT. DESERT -- DUSK
A sign by the highway reads Welcome to Tucson, Arizona!
EXT. DOWNTOWN TUCSON - DUSK
This barely qualifies as a downtown. It is neither charmingly
rustic nor cosmopolitan.
EXT. MESA HIGH SCHOOL - DUSK
A modest school by any standards.
INT. MESA HIGH CAFETORIUM -- EVENING
Two high school drama students, RAND POSIN and EPIPHANY
SELLARS, both 16, stand on stage, mid-scene. Rand is dressed
as a biker and Epiphany wears a bustier and a giant red curly
wig. They both perform too hard. The effect is grating.
RAND
Well, why dont I take you out to
dinner to apologize for my
rudeness? Huh? Gimme yer number.
EPIPHANY
You want my number? Which number do
you want, George?
RAND
I like the way you say George.
3.
EPIPHANY
For instance, ten. Thats how many
months old my baby girl is.
RAND
You got a little girl?
EPIPHANY
Sexy, huh? How about six? Thats
how old my other daughter is. Eight
is the age of my son. Two is how
many times Ive been married AND
divorced. Sixteen is the number of
dollars in my bank account. And Im
guessing zero is the number of
times youre gonna call me.
RAND
How do you remember your bank
balance right off the top like
that?
IN THE AUDIENCE we spy a Xeroxed program. It reads: Mesa
Drama Presents -- Erin Brockovich.
INT. BACKSTAGE -- CONTINUOUS
We see Dana Marschz with his hands together in prayer, his
fingers pressed against his lips, nodding quietly, his eyes
closed. Hes a few decades older, but doesnt look too much
worse for the wear.
INT. ON STAGE -- A LITTLE LATER
Its the curtain call. Dana joins Rand and Epiphany on stage
for the final bow. They are elated. For the three of them,
this is an electric moment.
ANGLE on the AUDIENCE -
There are only about two dozen PARENTS. They applaud with
reasonable enthusiasm.
EXT. LUNCH AREA -- DAY
Rand, Epiphany and Dana are sitting at a table eating hot
pockets. Dana holds a hastily printed school newspaper.
4.
DANA
The notices are in. But before you
read, remember, Gone With the Wind
was savaged by the critics.
EPIPHANY
Is that true?
DANA
I dont know.
Epiphany takes the paper.
EPIPHANY
(reading)
"Are Dana Mahrszcss bi-yearly
stagings of popular Hollywood films
an ironic gesture? Or is he just
profoundly confused? To be fair,
this years Erin Brockovich
accomplishes something quite
astonishing...
The three look hopeful.
RAND
...it manages to make last years
production of The Shield: Season
2 look sparkling by comparison.
EPIPHANY
What about the acting?
Rand takes the paper.
RAND
...It is perhaps best not to
mention the acting. In the theatre,
actors endeavor to simulate human
emotion. Rand Posin and Epiphany
Sellers flap their lips and wave
their arms like malfunctioning wind-
up toys...
Dana grabs the paper and throws it at the ground.
DANA
Thats enough! Every trimester we
get fisted by this guy! I wish he
would graduate already!
5.
EPIPHANY
Its gonna be a while. Hes only in
the ninth grade.
DANA
I have so much anger! God, I feel
like Im getting raped in the face!
Dana takes the newspaper and charges out of the lunch room.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY -- DAY
Dana is looking in various classrooms.
INT. SCIENCE CLASS - CONTINUOUS
Noah Saperstein (the 12 year old critic) is talking to
friends around the hamster Cages.
DANA
(to the harried Science
teacher)
Id like to speak to Noah
Saperstein.
She points to Noah. Dana marches over to him with a stern
professorial air.
The STUDENTS make noises like Noahs busted.
DANA
My name is Dana Mahrschz. Im the
drama teacher you so love to rape
in the face.
NOAH
Have a drink of water and tell me
whats the matter.
Dana bends down to a really low drinking fountain and then
sits on the floor.
DANA
What do I need to do to please you?
NOAH
Is that the purpose of your plays?
To please me?
6.
DANA
No. Yes. No. But I put a lot of
myself into my work. Would it kill
you to say something nice about it
once in a while?
NOAH
Maybe if you stopped worrying about
the reviews youd start getting
better reviews.
DANA
What the fudge does that mean?!
NOAH
Have you ever considered doing a
play that wasnt originally a
popular TV show or movie?
DANA
No. Why...? Do you think I should
be writing my own material?
NOAH
It wasnt what I had in mind, but,
sure. Why not?
DANA
Theres so much I want to say
through my work that sometimes it
overwhelms me and I start to feel
like Im going to barf up all my
vital organs and...
Dana starts crying and laughing and hyperventilating.
NOAH
Ive got to go clean the hamster
cages. Are you going to be alright?
Dana waves him off.
DANA
Im great. Take care.
(through tears)
Thanks for the truth sandwich, my
little brother.
Noah just looks at him and walks away.
MUSIC UP - CUT TO BLACK -
7.
SUPERIMPOSE: Act 1 - The Following Autumn
FADE UP - INT. DANAS HOUSE - MORNING
Dana straggles in, harried.
This is BRIE MARIE SHEETS WEINBERG MARSCHZ, 33, Danas wife.
Shes sitting with a good-looking guy in workout clothes,
GARY. Gary eats toast and has a blank expression.
DANA
Morning Brie Bear. Morning, Gary.
GARY
Its really sunny out this morning.
BRIE
(pointedly annoyed)
Great observation, Gary. We live
in Tucson.
(then)
Dana, may I have a word with you?
Privately.
DANA
Sure, squishy.
Brie grabs Dana and leads him into the hall.
IN THE HALL - We see Gary in the background.
BRIE
I know were broke and we needed a
roommate but I cannot live like
this any more.
DANA
Its not forever, baby. Its just
until I get an agent and start
doing commercials again.
BRIE
Also known as NEVER.
Dana laughs off the comment lightheartedly.
DANA
You keep me honest, lover. I adore
you for that.
(then)
8.
(MORE)
Its not so bad. I mean Gary has a
car. Thats helped out a lot
around here.
BRIE
Yeah, great. He has a car. Maybe
I can get him to run me over in it.
Put me out of my misery.
DANA
Oh you. What did I do so right to
get you in my life?
He kisses her on the forehead and walks out.
EXT. TUCSON - DAY
Dana, now in corduroys and a professorial tweed jacket,
skates past a derelict hotel built in the shape of a Wagon
Wheel.
EXT. TUCSON - DAY
Dana skates past a cellular tower disguised as a Saguaro
cactus.
He appears to be the only pedestrian in all of Tucson.
EXT. TUCSON HIGHWAY INTERSECTION - DAY
Dana stumbles on the pavement just as the light is turning
green. Cars HONK furiously. Dana smiles and waves as he gets
up.
EXT. MESA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Dana roller-skates into the parking lot. He just avoids
getting hit by a couple of cars entering the lot. His
strides are awkward and graceless.
Dana lights up when he sees MR. ROCKER, the principal,
pulling up in his light blue Crown Vic.
Dana grabs onto the rear bumper.
Mr. Rocker peers into the rear-view mirror.
MR. ROCKER
What are you doing?!?!
9.
DANA (cont'd)
DANA
Living the dream! No limits!
Mr. Rocker slams on the brakes, hurtling Dana onto the trunk.
Dana slides off the car, in major pain. His balls have been
crushed. He pats the car and gives a thumbs up. Rocker
speeds off.
INT. SCHOOL -- LATER
Dana skates down the hall on his way to the cafetorium. He
sees Epiphany and Rand.
DANA
Hey, gang.
He toe-stops on a dime right in front of them.
EPIPHANY
Mr. Mahrsch, have you seen our
class yet?
DANA
No. Why?
RAND
Lets just say the class this year
is new and different.
DANA
New and different are among my
favorite words.
Down the hall, we see Dana reach the cafetorium door and with
a giant flourish, grab the doorjamb and swing himself into
the room with maximum whip. He enters and sees...
INT. CAFETORIUM - CONTINUOUS
Thirty or so STUDENTS, most of them Latino. A BOOMBOX sends
out a bass line that people are bobbing their heads to. A guy
and a girl are fully making out. And it seems like people are
smoking.
Dana turns around and skates out.
10.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
He looks at the sign on the door. Looks at his watch. Rand
and Epiphany approach.
RAND
I told you.
They enter the class.
INT. CAFETORIUM - CONTINUOUS
Dana smiles as he climbs up awkwardly on the little stage
thats under the basketball net and at the end of the
lunchroom. He exudes pure enthusiasm. The footings a
little tricky with his skates on.
DANA
Hi everyone. Could we turn down
the music? Not off, just down.
(it dips)
Great. Welcome! Wow. Its a full
house. Normally I only have
approximately two students.
We see Rand and Epiphany nodding.
DANA
So lets go around and find out why
Drama is suddenly so popular.
He gestures to a shy girl, YOLANDA, who retreats. Her friend
IVONNE speaks instead.
IVONNE
Oh Yolanda doesnt talk, but, like
were from Foothill and they had
asbestos in the portable classrooms
and so we were transferred here and
since this is a shitty public
school, drama is the only elective.
DANA
Yeah. The muse works in mysterious
ways. And what about you?
He gestures to a stonerish guy, JASON McHUGH, or VITAMIN J.
VITAMIN J
Oh Vitamin J is not fully aware...
Do you mind if I...?
11.
(MORE)
(he turns off the overhead
fluorescents and turns on
soft incandescent
sconces)
...non-harshiosity.
DANA
(thoroughly confused by
Vitamin J)
Okay. Who else is from Foothill?
The rest of the class raises their hands -- 25 plus kids.
Dana starts taking his skates off.
DANA
Who wanted drama as their first
choice?
Nobody. Dana sort of dies inside.
DANA
Thats fine...
Just then a very intimidating and rather handsome Latino kid
comes in. Hes dressed like a serious gang banger. His name
is OCTAVIO. He sits up front, not even slightly embarrassed
by his tardiness.
DANA
Hello. Better never than late!
Dana laughs at himself. Octavio crosses his arms and sits
back.
DANA
Anyway, has anyone here ever seen
the movie Dead Poets Society?
Starring the always superb Robin
Williams?
Rand and Epiphany raise their hands. No one else does.
DANA
Well, its very good. I was, for
one week, Mr. Williams stand-in on
the fantastic motion picture,
Patch Adams when I lived in
Hollywood. He once gave me a ride
to my bus stop after a table
read. I couldnt be happier for
all his success. Nice guys do
finish first.
12.
VITAMIN J (cont'd)
Octavio reaches over and turns up the BOOM-BOX. Dana turns
the music down and addresses him.
DANA
And what is your name?
OCTAVIO
Heywood.
DANA
Heywood...?
OCTAVIO
Heywood Jablomey
The class explodes with laughter. Dana doesnt get it.
DANA
At any rate, has anyone here seen
the movie Mr. Hollands Opus?
Rand and Epiphany raise their hands. No one else does.
DANA
Richard Dreyfuss plays a music
teacher with a deaf son. The
wildly underrated Glenn Headley
plays his long-suffering wife.
Rand and Epiphany are riveted. The rest of the class is
completely bored. Dana is trying SO HARD to maintain
enthusiasm.
DANA
What about that Meryl Streep violin
movie? I didnt even see that one.
Well you might want to watch some
of these films because they are...
(writing the phrase on the
dry erase board but mis-
spelling it)
...INSPIRATIONAL TEACHER stories.
And thats what I do. I inspire. It
just happens to be my job.
Absolute silence.
DANA
I hope Im not freaking you out.
WAIT... I hope I AM freaking you
out!
13.
(MORE)
Years from now, you will think back
on this time, and youll say to
yourself, Gosh, that Mr. Marchsz
really kicked me in the keester.
Somebody FARTS. Everyone laughs. People are moving away from
the very gang-bangerish CHUY.
CHUY
It wasnt me!
DANA
Do not apologize. Farting
challenges the status quo. Alright.
Were going to do an exercise. Who
wants to start?
Rand and Epiphany both shoot up their hands.
DANA
Rand. Be an animal.
Suddenly Rand becomes very feline.
DANA
This is one of the most basic
dramatic skills a student of drama
can address.
Rand starts licking his hands as though they were paws. He
starts cleaning the fur behind his ears. The transformation
is astonishing. He slinks up against the edge of the stage.
DANA
Gorgeous, Rand.
And just then Epiphany starts panting and YELPING like a
little dog, though unnoticed by Dana.
DANA
Can anyone guess what kind of
animal Rand is?
OCTAVIO
A pussy.
Big mocking LAUGHTER from the room. Rand stops, embarrassed
and angry. Epiphany immediately pretends like she was never a
dog.
DANA
Alright then Heywood, what kind of
creature can you be?
14.
DANA (cont'd)
OCTAVIO
I can be a flaming ass crack. Oh,
wait. Youre already doing that.
Everyone laughs.
DANA
Fair enough. I dont mind playing
the fool... as long as I get my
name in lights!
(laughs at himself then
stops)
Seriously, theatre has the power to
take us on a journey. It has the
power to transform not only the
actor but the audience. Do you
believe that? I DO. With every
fiber of my being. Theatre is
vital. It is visual. It is alive.
If I kick this trash can...
He kicks a trash can. It FLIES OUT towards the kids and hits
Shy Yolanda in the head. Shes knocked off her ass onto the
floor, dazed. Dana rushes over.
DANA
Yolanda! Yolanda are you
alright?!?!
She nods and smiles self-consciously.
DANA
Okay she hasnt lost consciousness
and shes not bleeding.
CHUY gets mad.
CHUY
Esse. You need to be careful.
Knowm sayin?
DANA
Ive learned a lesson here. But I
hope you all have too. About the
vitality of a shared experience. We
will all remember that moment for
the rest of our lives. It was
dramatic. It was visual. It was
theatre.
Rand is nodding knowingly. Yolanda looks pale.
15.
DANA
Does someone have a cell-phone?
Shes going grey. Id like to call
911.
SUPER:
Act Two- Having Cheap Mexican Food
INT. MEXICAN RESTAURANT -- THAT NIGHT
Dana is skating through a Mexican restaurant toward Gary and
a very drunk and angry Brie.
BRIE
We started without you.
DANA
Apologies! I had to spend some time
with paramedics and lawyers for the
school district. But its all going
to work out. No charges will be
pressed. There was no brain damage.
I think I need a quesadilla!
BRIE
Nothing you are saying makes any
sense to me.
DANA
Turns out my class is fourteen
times as crowded as it normally is.
And I have a real tough nut to
crack. A Mexican boy who lives by
his wits. Im going to inspire him
this year. Im going to make a
difference I really feel like for
the first time that I...
BRIE
(taking a swig of her
Margie)
Woo! I am getting hammered!
DANA
Better watch yourself, Brie bear.
You know how you get.
16.
BRIE
(instantly
confrontational)
No, Dana. How do I get? Please
tell me, how I get.
DANA
(terrified)
Uhh...
BRIE
(laughing)
Gotcha!
DANA
You got me.
Dana laughs. The she laughs harder at Dana laughing.
Then she suddenly stops laughing. And he suddenly stops.
That makes her laugh. And he laughs.
GARY
You guys are laughing so much.
BRIE
Another gem of an insight from
Gary. Our bore-der.
(suddenly remembering)
Oh Dana. We cant forget. We have
an A-P-P-O-I-N-T-M-E-N-T with the
sperm doctor on Wednesday.
DANA
Right.
BRIE
I dont like airing our personal
business in front of you know who --
Gary -- but if youre shooting
blanks, I swear to god Im going to
stab you to death while you sleep.
Dana laughs.
BRIE
But seriously, you gotta start
letting your balls breathe. Its in
that pamphlet I read. The corduroy
has got to go. Especially with the
skating.
17.
(MORE)
This is Tucson for fuck sake.
Youre broiling our future babies
that your crotch of yours.
A stoned waiter, DANNY, 19, arrives at the table with a tray
of drinks having overheard the last line.
DANNY
Uhhh...
DANA
I had the virgin strawberry. 12
years sober.
DANNY
Awesome.
BRIE
(taking her massive
margarita)
Good for you, honey, but if I had
to give up booze, I'd blow my
brains out living in this shit-sack
city.
(then, raising her glass)
To Dana. My husband. What the
fuck was I thinking? Just kidding.
Dana and Brie laugh. They all clink.
INT. CAFETORIUM -- DAY
Dana stands in front of the class wearing a loose fitting
KAFTAN.
DANA
I re-watched a fantastic movie last
night called Dangerous Minds
starring the gorgeous Michelle
Pfeiffer. Its an INSPIRATIONAL
TEACHER movie. And its given me a
little insight into your character,
Mr. Tough Guy.
He stands in front of Octavio whos all like whatever.
DANA
Stand up.
OCTAVIO
Why?
18.
BRIE (cont'd)
DANA
Were going to ka-ra-te.
OCTAVIO
I dont think so.
DANA
Come on.
Octavio reluctantly gets up. Dana takes a karate stance and
swings his arms and does really high leg kicks -- flashing
his testicles to the entire class.
CHUY
Whoa! Nice freeball, ese.
DANA
(to Octavio)
Okay. Punch me.
OCTAVIO
Im not punching a guy in a dress.
DANA
This is a kaftan, my friend. Its
letting the boys breathe. Now hit
me.
OCTAVIO
Dont make me do this.
DANA
DO IT!!!
Octavio punches Dana. He drops like a sack of wet cement.
Octavio leans down to help him up.
OCTAVIO
Oh shit. Are you alright?
DANA
Im fine. Give me a minute.
The class just sits there awkwardly as Dana lies motionless
on the floor, on his side, in the fetal position.
EPIPHANY
Way to go. You killed the teacher.
DANA
No Im good. Im just gonna lay
here and puke for a little bit.
19.
Dana spits. Theres a knock on the door, Principal Rocker
waves Dana over.
DANA
I cant move.
MR. ROCKER
I dont care. Get out here.
INT. HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS
Dana crawls into the hallway.
MR. ROCKER
What is wrong with you?
DANA
Im fine.
Dana gets to one knee.
DANA
(barely able to speak)
Trying to inspire troubled student.
MR. ROCKER
I thought you should know as soon
as possible: Last night the school
board, which is facing major
financial cuts, decided to cancel
drama.
DANA
Cancel how?
MR. ROCKER
Completely. Forever.
Danas brain goes to mush.
MR. ROCKER
You can finish the term, but after
that, get out.
DANA
How do you...? How can you...? You
cant have a high school without a
drama department.
MR. ROCKER
Sure you can.
20.
DANA
This is obviously a mean-spirited
practical joke.
MR. ROCKER
Oh I dont joke. Look, the state is
in fiscal crisis. Youre just a
tiny dot in the scheme of things.
All the art programs are on the
chopping block. And, quite frankly,
were not producing any Oscar
winners here.
DANA
Tony.
MR. ROCKER
What?
DANA
They would be Tony winners. Its
the award for theatre.
MR. ROCKER
Listen up, guy. Ive seen your
plays. This is no great loss. Of
that I am sure.
Rocker turns away. Dana is completely shell-shocked. He
drags himself, on the floor, back into class.
INT. CAFETORIUM - CONTINUOUS
Dana slides back in on his side. Epiphany is scolding
Octavio.
EPIPHANY
Youre a dirty violent beaner! You
shouldnt have kicked him like
that.
OCTAVIO
Shut up, you cow. It wasnt my
idea. He made me hit him.
Rand sees Dana struggle to his feet, pale and weaving.
RAND
Mr. Mahrschs? Are you okay?
21.
DANA
No, Rand! Im not okay!
then)
How does a kid from a dairy farm in
Manitoba who dreams of acting but
who cant do it very well, who
could never get a decent agent so
he moves on and decides to teach,
to pass on the love of the craft,
how does he deal with all the
disappointing crap the world hands
him without giving up and wrapping
his lips around a forty five and
just blowing his brains out?!?!?
Can you tell me that!!!!
Everyone is still.
DANA
I... I... I...
His eyes flutter.
He falls over in a heap, unconscious.
CHUY
Is he acting?
The group descends on him while Rand loosens his collar,
Epiphany checks his pulse, etc., The CAMERA HOVERS over Dana,
perhaps as an omniscient spirit would, gradually lifting up.
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
Dana Marschzs wavering
consciousness led him to believe
that he was leaving this earth and
all its trials...
The CAMERA keeps lifting.
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
But the fates had long ago deigned
that his work was only just begun.
SUPERIMPOSE: Act 3- At the Fertility Clinic
22.
INT. COYOTE FERTILITY CLINIC -- DAY
Gary and Brie are in the waiting room. Dana holding a tiny
Casio keyboard.
BRIE
Where the fark have you been?
DANA
Staring into the abyss of
nothingness: DRAMA HAS BEEN
CANCELLED!
BRIE
Finally. Now you can go back to
your job at Rite-Aid and start
making some real money.
DANA
But these kids gave my life
meaning.
BRIE
No they didnt.
GARY
Hey Dana, I found a great parking
spot out front. And there was time
left on the meter.
BRIE
Uh.
(to Gary)
They should ship you over to Iraq
and let you talk to people. All
the terrorists would just kill
themselves.
DANA
Well, I for one am very
appreciative that Gary drove you.
BRIE
(off keyboard)
Why did you bring that thing?
DANA
I have no idea. I dont even know
where I got it. Maybe I can work
through my grief in song.
He hits some keys and "tunes up" his voice.
23.
DANA (CONT'D)
Ahhh!
(then)
Aaaaahhh...
(then)
Aiiiii!
BRIE
Maybe it's a good thing I can't get
pregnant. Its best for everyone
if your genes dont get passed on.
DANA
This is for you, baby.
Dana launches into a song. He accompanies himself reasonably
well on the Casio.
DANA (CONT'D)
(singing)
Am I shooting blanks? Are these
testicles an empty tank? When I go
kergluge is it all a ruse?
Why????????? I want to drown you
with my hot buttered love spackle.
So put your mouth around my
marriage tackle. It's Nuclear
War!!!! P.S. DRAMA IS DEAD!!!
The nurse comes back to the front desk and interrupts him.
DANA DELANY
Excuse me, do you have an
appointment?
Brie approaches the desk.
BRIE
Uh, yes. Please excuse my husband.
He's mentally retarded.
(then)
Im Brie Marie Sheets-Mahrscz.
DANA DELANY
Right. Mrs. Marsh.
Dana stands up and approaches the desk.
DANA
I'm sorry. That's actually
pronounced --
(pronouncing it)
Mar--sczhszh.
24.
DANA DELANY
(not getting it)
Mars?
DANA
No. Mahha-schzzhzhzhzh. With a
zhc.
DANA DELANY
Maszch?
BRIE
And I thought growing up with the
name B.M. Sheets was bad.
Brie takes the clipboard and sits down. Dana goes to sit
down but keeps looking back at the nurse.
DANA
Excuse me, I don't mean to be
forward but you look a lot like one
of my favorite actresses of all
time -- Dana Delany.
DANA DELANY
I am Dana Delany.
DANA
What? Oh my god. I am SUCH a HUGE
fan. I loved you in the TV show
"China Beach" and, of course, the
wildly underrated "Exit to Eden" --
what's Garry Marshall like as a
director he seems totally great.
What are you doing in Tucson? I am
freaking out.
DANA DELANY
Well, I'm a nurse now. I just kind
of had enough of the Hollywood rat
race.
DANA
Mmm hmmm.
DANA DELANY
I always had the nursing degree to
fall back on which is great. And I
love the desert.
DANA
(super excited)
Oh my god.
25.
(MORE)
I didn't hear anything you just
said. I'm too excited.
(then)
Do you think you could come down
and speak to my drama class
sometime? They would lose their
minds.
DANA DELANY
I'm kind of down on acting right
now so...
DANA
Well, you don't have to talk about
acting if you don't want to. They
could use a little morale boost
right about now. They would just
freak out if to see you.
DANA DELANY
I could talk to them about how its
important to have a degree in
something practical to fall back
on.
DANA
PERFECT! So what's Val Kilmer like?
You were wonderful together in
Tombstone. He gets a bad rap in
the press but to me he is the
ultimate actors actor.
DANA DELANY
I have to get back to work.
DANA
(hugging her tightly)
OH Dana. Thank you for helping me
find my smile again!
INT. DANAS HOUSE - NIGHT
Dana and Brie are on the couch, Dana asleep. She is looking
at thermometer, nudging him awake.
BRIE
We need to have sex.
DANA
(blurry)
What happened?
26.
DANA (cont'd)
BRIE
Im ovulating. So get your thing in
gear.
DANA
I dont think I can at the moment,
honey.
BRIE
Dont give me that shit. Whip it
out!
DANA
I was having a very sad and scary
dream. I was living this life where
everything I did was stupid and
pointless.
BRIE
Are you sure you were dreaming?
Brie tries to pull Danas pants down. Gary enters holding
something.
GARY
Look, I found a bird's nest in the
driveway.
BRIE
So help me God, if you and your
nest dont get out of here right
now...
GARY
I'll come back later.
DANA
No, Gary, stay. Brie, apologize to
Gary!
BRIE
Id rather apologize to a pile of
dog barf.
GARY
(finally insulted)
Jeez Louise.
Dana becomes insistent.
DANA
Gary get over here.
27.
Gary shuffles over. Dana stands Brie up.
BRIE
Dont push me.
DANA
Look at him. Hes a human being.
Touch him. Hes real. And his
feelings are real.
Dana puts Bries hand on Garys chest. Hes only wearing a
tank top and, being a trainer, hes pretty buff.
DANA
Have you ever given Gary a hug?
BRIE
Why would I?
DANA
Do it...
(she rolls her eyes)
DO IT.
She hugs him. They stay together in an awkward hug.
DANA
Now apologize to him.
BRIE
Im sorry that.. you seem boring
and stupid. I guess it isnt your
fault.
GARY
Thanks.
DANA
I would be so happy if you two
could love each other.
BRIE
You want me to love Gary?
DANA
I sure do.
BRIE
Okay fine.
Brie feels Garys ass. Gary makes a sound like he enjoyed it.
Gary kisses Brie on the cheek. Then on the lips.
28.
DANA
This is fantastic. What a
breakthrough.
Brie and Gary sit down on the couch and keep kissing.
Dana sits in a chair and watches.
DANA
This is really something.
Now they are really groping. Brie is tearing Garys tank top
off. Bries clothes fall to the floor.
DANA
Hey guys...?
They dont respond.
DANA
This is mildly uncomfortable. Brie?
Honey?
Brie rubs Garys crotch.
BRIE
How uncomfortable?
DANA
Really uncomfortable. What about
you, Gary?
GARY
I have complicated feelings right
now.
BRIE
Thats a first.
She pushes Gary away.
BRIE
Thats how its done, Dana. Now
drag me upstairs and lets get to
bonin.
DISSOLVE TO:
29.
INT. BRIE AND DANA'S BEDROOM -- A LITTLE LATER
Putting It Together from the original cast recording of
Sunday In The Park With George is playing. Candles have
been lit.
We see Dana and Brie writhing in pleasure behind the gauzy
linen drapes of their four poster bed.
And then Dana's face emerges from behind the linen drapery
just as he is experiencing one of those life altering
orgasms. The song is climaxing too.
DANA
Bravo... bravo... BRAVO,
DANA!!!!!!!
He collapses. On the record we hear APPLAUSE.
INT. BRIE AND DANAS BEDROOM - LATER
Dana stares at the ceiling, Brie at his side.
DANA
For once in my life, something is
absolutely clear to me.
He actually seems like a serious person for a minute.
DANA
Im going to save drama.
Brie snores.
INT. SCHOOL BOARD CHAMBERS - DAY
In this big boxy fluorescent chamber, a half dozen stern
SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS are just taking their seats behind a
dais. The president is very authoritative Latina in her 50s.
PRESIDENT
(into a mic, to the room)
Okay... I believe were only
waiting for the board vice-
president...
We find Dana in the audience:
30.
He wears a white tux and tails with red piping and lapels. He
sits next to a SOCCER MOM with three SQUIRMY CHILDREN. They
stare at him.
The door opens and Mr. Rocker rushes in, apologizing to the
board.
Dana is shocked.
PRESIDENT
Alright. First order of business, I
believe we have an announcement
from the Office of City Services...
Dana waves his hand and stands. He refers to a prepared text.
DANA
(in his best stentorian
voice)
Art cannot be separated from
mankind. Art is not an expression
of culture. Art IS mankind. Art IS
culture. And culture IS mankind.
He takes a dramatic breath, waiting for some kind of
affirmation.
PRESIDENT
Excuse me, youre not from city
services are you?
A pale distraught GUY waves a file folder behind Dana. HE is
from city services.
DANA
I am not. But I am of this city.
And I am here to serve.
MR. ROCKER
I think I know what this is about.
DANA
(starting to lose it)
Please dont cancel drama! Please!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
PRESIDENT
Who is this man?
MR. ROCKER
Hes the drama teacher at Mesa. His
name is Mahrshcz.
31.
PRESIDENT
Mr. Mahrsczc, this issue is not up
for discussion at this time. Please
take your seat.
DANA
Just tell me why!
PRESIDENT
Its very simple. We dont have
enough money. Drama class is not
essential...
DANA
But it is!
She holds up her hand.
PRESIDENT
Dont interrupt me, Mr. Marhscz.
Drama is an elective. We can cancel
it without losing state funding.
Would you prefer us to cancel
Mathematics and lose our charter to
run a school district? Would you
like that Mr. Mahrscz?
He hangs his head.
DANA
No.
He thinks of something.
DANA
What if I found the money? To run
the class. Ill pay for it.
PRESIDENT
The board would certainly entertain
such a proposal. Now please sit
down.
DANA
Goodnight and good morrow!
Parting is such sweet sorrow!
MR. ROCKER
GET OUT OF HERE!
32.
INT. CAFETORIUM -- DAY
Dana, in a loose-fitting ethnic kaftan, stands at a giant
wipe board and writes the phrase "21 K." He underlines it
twice and turns to the class.
DANA
Gang, this is the amount of money
we need to save drama. How do we
get it?
Some hands go up.
DANA (CONT'D)
Yes. Epiphany?
EPIPHANY
Bake sale.
DANA
Not enough dough. Pun intended.
Anyone else?
Another hand goes up.
DANA (CONT'D)
Ivonne?
IVONNE
We could knock over a 7-11.
DANA
Nice thought but 7-11's aren't as
vulnerable as they used to be. I
can't tell you how I know that.
Anyone else?
(then)
Chuy?
CHUY
No, I was just stretching.
Vitamin J puts his hand up.
VITAMIN J
I got a little some some.
DANA
Yes?
33.
VITAMIN J
My uncle is all hey, what about
helping me out sometime, bro. And
Im all -- what? How? Hes rich.
DANA
Im confused, but go on.
VITAMIN J
Toasters. We move the skeed. 25
grand.
DANA
I heard 25 grand. And toasters.
Somebody help?
OCTAVIO
Hes saying we could move toasters
for his uncle.
VITAMIN J
Yiddly yiddly.
DANA
Well, heck. We could do that.
RAND
I don't know, Mr. Mahrscz, this
plan sounds suspect.
DANA
I suspect it might save drama.
Okay, gang. Show of hands.
OCTAVIO
Hey. Dumbass. Toaster is street for
gun.
The class does an Oooooooh!
DANA
Toaster is street for gun? What a
colorful expression! I guess we
shouldnt...
DANAS POV - He sees Noah walk past a window with his lunch
tray.
DANA
That little kangaroo rat. Excuse
me.
Dana skate-runs out the door.
34.
EXT. MESA HIGH SCHOOL -- CONTINUOUS
Dana catches up to Noah, slightly winded.
NOAH
Hello, Mr. Marshsz.
DANA
(struggling to catch his breath)
Happy? Happy that youve finally
succeeded in taking me down?
NOAH
No. I think its terrible whats
happened to arts education in this
country. I read about the school
boards decision.
DANA
When I made my case they just shut
me down. Shut me down! I dont
know what to do. Everythings OUT
OF CONTROL.
NOAH
How have you contributed to the
community?
DANA
What?
NOAH
You want someone to save Drama but
youve produced nothing worth
saving.
Dana finally lifts his face off the ground.
DANA
What do you have against me, man?!
Its like my father got
reincarnated into the body of a
little freaking drama critic. If
you were 70, alcoholic and dead,
youd be twins.
NOAH
All Im saying is... you need to
inspire everyone to come to your
rescue.
35.
DANA
We were thinking of putting on The
Lake House -- that wonderful
Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves piece.
Noah can barely hide his revulsion.
DANA
There is one other thing. An
original piece Ive been rolling
around in my noggin. Ive
scribbled down ideas and put them
in my inspiration chamber. Its
called Hamlet 2.
Noah laughs.
NOAH
A sequel to Hamlet by Shakespeare?
DANA
Thats right. Why? Do you think
its a bad idea?
NOAH
Not necessarily. No. Sometimes an
idea can be so bad it starts
turning good again.
DANA
Exactly my thinking! But what
about money for drama next
trimester?
NOAH
Forget about the money right now.
Put on a play and make it the best
thing youve ever done. Use that
as a way of drawing attention to
the funding issue.
DANA
What if its not good enough?
Noah shrugs enigmatically.
NOAH
That is the question every artist
must ask himself.
Dana starts pacing manically in his skates and kaftan.
36.
DANA
I am an artist, arent I? Okay,
heres the plan -- (A) Put that
play on. (B) Blow everybodys mind.
(C) Sit tight and wait for the
money to rain down! (D) Save
drama. (E) Theres no need for an
E!!! WOW. Youve really given me
the kick in the pants I needed,
kid.
NOAH
Okay. I have to go to recess now.
DANA
(they shake hands)
Youre very busy, I understand.
Thank you. Bye!
MUSIC UP - CUT TO BLACK -
SUPERIMPOSE: Act 4- The Creative Process
INT. KITCHEN - LATE NIGHT
Dana is a wild-eyed maniac staring at the PC, face smeared
with spicy wing sauce. Theres a bottle of Dayquil next to
the keyboard.
His cats, George and Martha sit on the counter and stare at
Dana as he rides an emotional roller-coaster.
DANA
(hunting and pecking)
Writing is so hard! Im lost...
But heres an idea: Margaret
Thatcher is the ghost of Hamlets
father... Yes! Im BACK! Im gonna
live forever!
(a swig of Dayquil)
That doesnt work. She couldnt
have been married to Hamlets
mother... Maybe this part should be
animated? Wait. You cant have
animation in a play... OR CAN YOU?
(then)
Stay with me, Dana!
37.
(MORE)
Im blacking out. No, Im fine.
HERE WE GO. Rghghghhhh!!!!!
The cats just stare at him.
INT. KITCHEN -- LATER
He takes a swig of Dayquil.
DANA
The word the looks so weird.
The. The. Im blacking out.
Stay with me, Dana. Okay, Im
back.
INT. KITCHEN -- MORNING
The cats are asleep. Dana is naked and rubbing butter on his
chest.
DANA
I dont understand where ideas come
from! I have so many feelings
right now!!! Why does everything
you love have to die?!!! Ha ha ha!
Dana start laughing and crying controllably.
INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Dana is dressed again. He types manically.
DANA
I am the most powerful person of
all time!!!
INT. KITCHEN -- LATER
Dana is face down on the kitchen floor. His cat George paws
the back of his head, concerned.
INT. KITCHEN -- LATER
Dana laughs and cries and types wildly.
38.
DANA (cont'd)
INT. KITCHEN -- LATER
Dana stabs his hand with a fork. He just sits there. The
cats look at him horrifed.
DANA
Why cant I feel anything?!?! Am I
not alive?!?!? Ha ha ha!!!
He pulls his hand away, the tines were lodged in between his
fingers.
DANA
Now I understand!
INT. KITCHEN -- MORNING
Dana hops in place as eagerly waiting for his dot matrix
printer to slowly grind out pages. His teeth are coated in a
gross orange Dayquil crust. Hes sweating profusely. He
holds up an awkward stack of unperforated accordian pages as
Brie enters.
DANA
It is done.
BRIE
What is?
She pours herself coffee.
DANA
My original masterwork thats going
to save drama. The thing Ive been
working on for the last 47 hours.
BRIE
Oh, is that what youve been doing?
I thought you were having a nervous
meltdown.
DANA
(laughs too hard)
Youre not far off, ladypants. Any
creative person will tell ya, you
have to go a little crazy to make
great fucking art.
Brie takes a look at the cover page.
39.
BRIE
Hamlet 2?
DANA
The deuce. Correct.
Brie flips through the pages.
BRIE
The Lord Jesus Christ kisses Dick
Cheney deeply passionately,
uncompromisingly. What?
DANA
Its about my troubled relationship
with my father.
BRIE
Youre doing this with your class?
At school?
DANA
Thats the plan, Stan. What do you
think?
BRIE
I think your enthusiasm is
completely unexplainable.
DANA
I will take that. I WILL TAKE IT!
He kisses her on the forehead and zooms out of the house.
INT. CAFETORIUM - DAY
The class is semi-assembled when Dana blurs through the door,
arms filled with 30 scripts. He crash lands into a stack of
chairs -- WHAM!
DANA
Guess what Ive got!
CHUY
Your head out of your ass?
DANA
No.
The scripts fly all over the place.
40.
ANGLE - A copy of the play lands in Rands lap. We see the
title:
Hamlet II
He looks over at Dana, more in love with him than ever.
RAND
(mesmerized)
Yes.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CAFETORIUM -- LATER
Octavio and Epiphany perform a scene from Hamlet 2.
RAND
Why dont you get a real job dairy
farming instead of wasting your
time with that theatre crap?
EPIPHANY
Take it easy on him, Ray. The
boys sensitive.
RAND
Too sensitive if you ask me. He
needs to be a man.
Dana mouths the words as Octavio speaks.
OCTAVIO
Like you, Poppa? Does coming home
from work and drinking three six
packs of Molsen beer make you a
man? Does pushing mom around and
calling us all names all day and
all night make you a man? Does
throwing all your dairy farming
wages away on gambling and cheap
floozies in town, does that make
you a man?!
RAND
I have a mind to put you through a
wall little boy.
OCTAVIO
Do it.
41.
Dana is enthralled. Octavio stares down Rand in a way Dana
never had the strength to do with his own father. Epiphany
flips through her script looking for the line.
EPIPHANY
That lines not in the script.
OCTAVIO
I said do it.
The class is riveted.
Dana stares at Octavio, fascinated, amazed. He sees a raw
ability that he never possessed. Hes thrilled and a little
sad.
RAND
Um, Im not comfortable with
improv.
OCTAVIO
DO IT!
Octavio shoves Rand in the chest and Rand flies backwards.
DANA
Okay, lets stop there. Very
powerful, Octavio. Where were you
when I was seven? Wow. Class,
thoughts?
RAND
I didnt like any part of that.
EPIPHANY
I thought he was AMAZING. I felt
this electric charge! He gave me so
much more than Rand ever... well,
its stupid to compare.
Rand is quietly devastated.
EPIPHANY
Im just so surprised that one of
you people is such a good actor.
IVONNE
You people?
CHUY
Thats some racist shit right
there.
42.
VITAMIN J
Wow. I heard that.
RAND
If you dont like this class get
out.
CHUY
What else, bitch?
RAND
Dont you call me a bitch!
DANA
(from the floor)
Hey, simmer down, everybody.
Ivonne shoves her chair across the floor, slamming it into
Epiphany.
EPIPHANY
Youre hurting me!!!
Epiphany shoves the chair back but it hits Yolanda instead.
She falls over in pain.
CHUY
Yolanda!
IVONNE
Dont do that to my friend!
Ivonne charges Epiphany trying to slap her. She falls
backwards.
EPIPHANY
Someone please help me!!!
RAND
Oh my God!
Chuy takes the opportunity to shove Rand.
Infuriated, Rand tries to scratch Chuy.
Suddenly everyone goes crazy, jumping on desks, throwing
things. Instant chaos.
DANA
Youve got to do something, Dana...
Dana finally gets up.
43.
DANA
Nachos or pizza!
The kids fall silent, unsure of the meaning of this.
DANA
I have access to the activities
van. We can go to the Fun Zone in
the mall. Ill buy everyone a
snack. Do you want nachos or pizza?
A beat.
CHUY
I wouldnt mind some nachos.
EPIPHANY
(quietly)
Figures.
CHUY
Youre gonna get it, white girl.
EPIPHANY
Try it. Ill sue your ass.
RAND
Im not doing carbs but maybe they
have a salad.
IVONNE
Anythings better than this.
DANA
Okay. Were back on track! Were
on our way, class! We cannot be
stopped!
Dana holds a triumphant fist into the air.
INT. FUN ZONE -- LATER
The entire class is at a moderately crowded Dave and Buster's
style kid arcade/adult bar wonderland. Dana and Rand are
playing air-hockey. In the background, we see the other
students.
RAND
Mr. Mahrszc, are you mad at me?
DANA
No. Why?
44.
RAND
I dont know. Youve barely spoken
to me today. Is it because of my
resistance to these gang-bangers?
DANA
Hey, Rand. Just because theyre
Mexican-Americans doesnt make them
gang-bangers. Got it?
RAND
Sorry. I just love class so much.
I don't want anything to change.
DANA
Rand, youre teachers pet. What
more do you want?
Dana puts his hand on Rands shoulder. Rand reaches for it,
as if to respond, but Dana takes it down, oblivious to Rands
yearning.
DANA (CONT'D)
Come on. Let's go see what the
rest of the gang is doing.
RAND
You mean, Mexican-Americans.
Dana laughs and tousles Rand's hair.
ON THE OTHER STUDENTS --
They are sharing a pitcher of beer. Epiphany is sitting with
them, arms crossed.
EPIPHANY
Mr. Marczh, these guys are drunk.
DANA
Hey, you promised no drinking.
CHUY
It's just beer.
OCTAVIO
Yeah, why dont you have one, esse?
Maybe youd stop being such a
pinche joto.
The group laughs.
45.
DANA
Heywood, the truth is, I haven't
had a drop of alcohol in twelve
years.
CHUY
Really?
DANA
I got the chip on my keychain to
prove it. From an organization
called AA.
OCTAVIO
What would happen if you had a
drink?
DANA
My entire life would fall apart.
Octavio throws Chuy and Vitamin J a conspiratorial look.
DANA (CONT'D)
Alright, who's ready to go home?
OCTAVIO
But were just coming together as a
class. We cant go home now..
DANA
I'm sorry, Heywood. It's getting
late and my wife is ovulating.
Epiphany discretely pours herself a beer.
EPIPHANY
We could go to Karaoke?
DANA
Oh Piff, you know Karaoke is my
kryptonite... Fine. One song.
EVERYONE
Yay!!!!
INT. KARAOKE BAR -- LATER
Rand is on stage singing Love Hurts, looking directly at
Dana.
46.
RAND
...Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds and mars--schczch!
Dana is oblivious. He watches with the rest of the class. A
lot of them are making rude gestures to Rand who is too into
the song to notice.
Vitamin J hands Chuy a SMALL VIAL. Chuy hands it to Octavio
who deftly pours it into Danas drink. Dana takes a huge
drink of iced tea as the kids watch and laugh.
RAND (CONT'D)
Take a lot of pain
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
It holds a lot of rain!
Love hurts!
(then, spoken)
Love hurts....
Dana claps and drinks more. The kids hide their laughter.
INT. KARAOKE BAR -- LATER
Dana stands center stage, tripping his balls off.
Somewhere from West Side Story plays, but Dana cant sing.
He remains in one spot, heaving to a fro, laughing and
crying.
DANAS POV -
A RIVER OF FLAMES lies before him. Everyones head is
enlarged by seven times. GIANT LIZARDS are playing Twister on
the dance floor.
DANA
...my God... the terrible beauty...
Chuy, Vitamin J and Octavio are in the back, watching.
VITAMIN J
Hes about to go through the center
of the sun.
Rand and Epiphany regard Dana.
EPIPHANY
Why isnt he singing?
47.
RAND
(entranced)
I dont know, but hes so
compelling like this.
EXT. BANK PARKING LOT -- DAWN
Dana is in the middle of an empty parking lot. His naked
derriere is up in the air, his skates are gone and his face
is flat against the asphalt. A policeman shakes him awake.
DANA
Llllliiiiizzzzaaarrrdddssss!!!
POLICEMAN
What is your name? Where do you
live?
DANA
Who?
(then)
I don't know. Where...? What am
I? I have no memory of anything.
Time begins and stops NOW.
POLICEMAN
(into walkie talkie)
We have a 210 with a 614 in the
parking lot of Tucson National
Bank. Over.
DANA
What do those numbers mean? Are
you sending me to the gas chamber?
What is happening?
POLICEMAN 2
You're going downtown, buddy. We
don't take to perverts ass-up in
parking lots around here. People
move to Tucson to get away from
that kind of thing.
Policeman 2 picks Dana up and helps him into the car.
DANA
What? Look, my feet are like
swollen monkeys. Why are your
hands made out of liquid metal?
Are you from the future?
The Policemen exchange disgusted looks.
48.
INT. POLICE CAR -- MOMENTS LATER
Dana sits in the back seat of the squad car. He licks the
bars that separate him from the front seat.
DANA
This tastes like the color blue.
(then)
Wait a minute. I just remembered
something. I teach drama! I'M A
TEACHER!
POLICEMAN
This is why I home-school my kids.
INT. CAFETORIUM - DAY
Rand flips through the script.
RAND
Um, Im not comfortable with this.
The role of Hamlets father -- my
part -- has been reduced
significantly. I thought I was the
star.
DANA
There are no small parts, Rand.
Just small actors.
CHUY
Hey, peener, looks like youre
both.
ANGLE ON RAND - His whole world is imploding. He looks
through the play.
RAND
Maybe Im crazy but theres already
been a play about Hamlet. Its
called Hamlet!
DANA
Rand, theater is a living thing.
Octavios performance yesterday
combined with my impending
fatherhood, inspired me to take
some bold steps and say some tough
things about my own relationship
with my father that Ive been
scared to say up until now.
49.
Rand cant take it any more. He stands up.
RAND
Ive given my life to this class
and now that all goes out the
window because of... him? Because
HE inspired you? And all of my
work goes out the window? That is
not okay!
DANA
Rand, its whats best for the
play.
RAND
Its not whats best for me! I
quit!
And hes out the door. Dana chases after him. The class
snickers and mocks Rand.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Dana chases after Rand in the middle of the busy hallway. He
puts his hand on Rands shoulder.
DANA
Rand, lets talk about this.
Rand turns around and faces Dana. He is SO ANGRY it looks
like his head might explode.
RAND
I HATE YOU, YOU STUPID UGLY
FUCKER!!!!!!!
He slaps Dana, hard. Everyone in the hall freezes, thrilled
and scandalized.
Rand walks away.
Epiphany runs outside. Dana processes. He turns to
Epiphany.
DANA
I guess Rands angry.
Epiphany just looks at Dana.
50.
INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE -- DAY
Mr. Rocker sits behind his desk feeding his pet cockatoo from
his mouth.
MR. ROCKER (CONT'D)
Daddy loves his Nibbles. Kisses
from Nibbles.
As Mr. Rocker practically frenches the bird, Rand enters.
RAND
Mr. Rocker?
MR. ROCKER
(caught)
Hah. Just checking the birds...
(then)
Yes, what is it, Rand?
RAND
Here.
Rand hands a script to Mr. Rocker.
MR. ROCKER (CONT'D)
What is this? Hamlet II?
For once, Rocker actually laughs.
RAND
Its the play Mr. Marchz wrote.
MR. ROCKER
No, seriously.
RAND
Its NO JOKE. I think you should
take a look at it.
MR. ROCKER
(intrigued)
Why?
RAND
Lets just say that... by the time
you get to the scene where Hamlets
father gives George Clooney a
handjob, youll see why.
Mr. Rocker blanches.
51.
MR. ROCKER
Did you just say handjob?
Rand gets a pinched nerve in his neck.
RAND
Yes I did. He thinks hes going to
save drama with this play. Mr.
Rocker, if you care about decency
and if you love this country, you
will stop Dana Marchz. Take him
down. Then take him from BEHIND!
Rand starts crying and puts his hands over his eyes, running
out of the office.
INT. CAFETORIUM - DAY
ONSTAGE -
Dana is dressed as Hamlet and Chuy is dressed as Osama Bin
Laden. They are watching TV while Ivonne, decked out like a
disco-goddess, dances behind them.
CHUY AS OSAMA
(to Octavio)
How can your God allow such
suffering?
DANA AS HAMLET
I wonder who killed my dad.
They stare at the TV some more.
CHUY AS OSAMA
Who wins the war on terror?
DANA AS HAMLET
Be quiet. Will and Grace is
starting.
IVONNE
(doing a bump and grind)
Ive got the will
And youve got the grace!
Between us we shall
Save the human race!
Oh Jesus, rock me with that
swimmers bod!
Suddenly Ivonne looks at her script and drops out of the
scene.
52.
IVONNE (CONT'D)
(to Dana)
Can I ask you something? Is Jesus
like a swimmer?
DANA
Jesus is very lean...
Suddenly the kitchen starts rolling out giant metal trays of
macaroni and cheese. Dana whirls around the CAFETERIA
WORKERS.
DANA (CONT'D)
Can you please wait until lunch to
do that!?!?!?! Thank you.
(turning back to the kids)
Where was I?
EPIPHANY
Jesus has a swimmers body.
DANA
Yes, Jesus has a swimmers body and
while hes one of the more
spiritual people on earth, hes
also very attractive to you.
Physically attractive. What Im
saying is that Jesus is sexy to
you.
CHUY
(in Spanish with English
subtitles)
Were all going to hell for doing
this play.
Octavio arrives, looking worried.
DANA
Okay, you're about forty-eight
minutes late. Ive had to play you
playing Hamlet which was confusing.
OCTAVIO
I can't do the play.
Dana turns to look at him.
DANA
What?
OCTAVIO
My dad's making me quit the play.
53.
DANA
But thats impossible. You're the
lead.
OCTAVIO
He said no way.
DANA
God damn macho bastards and their
fear of the arts. They just don't
get it!
(grabbing his skates)
Come on, Octavio, we're fighting
this! Even if we have to take on
the whole ghetto!
OCTAVIO
No, wait. What do you mean?
DANA
Were going to your house. Now.
OCTAVIO
I dont think we should do that.
Dana puts his arm around Octavio.
DANA
Its funny, my father stood in the
way of my own dreams too. Hes dead
now. But you could say Im still
haunted by him because he never
hugged me and thats why I tried to
become an actor which has caused me
so much pain.
An awkward beat. They walk out.
CUT TO:
INT. OCTAVIO'S HOUSE -- LATER
Dana IN CLOSE UP -
DANA
You cant let your ethnic narrow-
mindedness stop your son from
thriving in our culture.
We pull back to REVEAL a vast and beautiful living room in an
architecturally significant house. The furnishings reveal a
tasteful worldliness.
54.
MR. and MRS. MARQUEZ are perfectly turned out and both very
handsome. Octavio sits silently off to the side.
MR. MARQUEZ
I must take exception to your
characterization...
DANA
Heywoods a bad boy. A gang-banger.
A deadbeat. But he also has a
gift.
MRS. MARQUEZ
Who is Heywood?
DANA
Your son, Heywood Jablomey?
Octavio cringes.
DANA (CONT'D)
(realizing)
Wait a minute. Oh I finally got it.
MR. MARQUEZ
Octavio doesnt belong to a gang.
Hes got a 3.9. and an early
acceptance to Brown. He reads
metaphysics all night for fun.
DANA
(totally thrown)
He does?????
Dana turns to Octavio who looks mortified.
MR. MARQUEZ
Our concerns about the play were of
a different nature.
DANA
Its the sex and violence. I can
totally tone that down.
MR. MARQUEZ
We are fine with those.
DANA
Then what is it?
55.
MR. MARQUEZ
Im afraid we think it is a mistake
to write a sequel to what is
perhaps the greatest play ever
written.
DANA
No offense, sir, but what the
hockey-puck do you two know?
MR. MARQUEZ
I have published nine novels. I
have a PhD in literature. My wife
is a painter. She currently has an
exhibit at the Guggenheim in
Bilbao.
(gesturing behind Dana)
This is one of her works.
Danas brain scrambles as he looks at the large painting
which appears to be a slightly abstracted vagina.
DANA
Oh, okay... then...
(then, desperate)
Help me! Help me fix my play! This
is my only shot at saving drama!
MR. MARQUEZ
This thing is so confused.
DANA
I know. Oh God. I'll pay you. I
don't have any money but I could do
odd jobs and chores.
MR. MARQUEZ
Its not possible.
DANA
Please! Im nothing without drama!
A long quiet beat. Dana scrambles.
DANA
I could clean your rain gutters.
MR. MARQUEZ
Okay.
Dana jumps up and hugs them. He is still on skates.
56.
DANA
Were gonna do it! NO LIMITS!
Dana hugs Octavio.
DANA (CONT'D)
Hug me! HUG ME BRO!
INT. CAFETORIUM - DAY
DANA
Now, without any further ado, a
woman who needs absolutely no
introduction, my second favorite
Dana -- Dana Delany.
The class just sits there except for Rand and Epiphany who
give Dana a standing ovation. A few others join in clapping.
DANA DELANY
Thank you. Hi. Im a little
nervous.
DANA
No, no, no, Dana, Im way more
nervous than you are! Alright.
Lets start with questions from the
class. Class? Questions?
Silence.
DANA
One at a time. Please.
(laughing at himself then
suddenly snapping)
I asked you all to prepare one
question. One damn question. How
hard is that?
Epiphany raises her hand. Dana Delany points her out.
EPIPHANY
Hi. I just wanted to say I like
your blouse.
DANA DELANY
Oh thank you.
Another silence.
57.
DANA
(to Octavio)
Maybe Mr. Alpha Male has a
question?
OCTAVIO
(to Dana Delany)
Yeah I was wondering... who are
you?
The class laughs.
DANA
Shes an actress! Moon Over
Parador! China Beach!
HouseSitter! with a man named
Steve FUCKING Martin and Goldie
FUCKING Hawn! Any of that shit
ring a bell? Im sorry, Dana.
DANA DELANY
Thats alright Dana. I think Ive
heard the word shit before.
Just then we notice that Mr. Rocker, the Principal, has
entered the cafetorium. Hes standing by the door waving Dana
over.
DANA DELANY
...In Hollywood, you pretty much
have to swim in it.
DANA
Ha ha. Bravo.
(then)
Please excuse me for one minute.
Rand, why dont you ask a question?
Rand stands, referring to his index cards.
RAND
Dana. The casting couch. Sex for
jobs. Your experience?
Mr. Rocker motions for Dana to step out into the hall.
DANA DELANY
Well, I didnt want to talk about
Hollywood, but I do have a pretty
juicy casting couch story...
58.
DANA
(pleadingly to Mr. Rocker)
Id love to stay and hear this.
Mr. Rocker makes a disapproving face and Dana scoots out the
door.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
DANA
Its pretty exciting having Dana
Delany in class.
Rocker steps right up to Dana, holding forth a copy of Hamlet
2.
ROCKER
Due to its unwholesome content the
school cannot allow the exhibition
of Hamlet II.
Dana stares at it.
DANA
Where did you get that?
ROCKER
Entirely beside the point.
DANA
Did Rand give it to you?
ROCKER
Nudity and pornography are not
allowed on the school premises.
DANA
Theres no nudity! Or pornography!
I dont think.
ROCKER
(shaking the play at him)
You have the Lord God french
kissing a known terrorist!
DANA
Its a parting embrace before the
moment of damnation. Its part of a
modernist dance. When all is said
and done I think youll find it
quite moving.
59.
ROCKER
Trust me I wont.
DANA
Were a week away. Things are in
motion.
(trying to laugh it off)
Art is happening.
ROCKER
Well stop it.
DANA
You cant stop art!
ROCKER
Youre shut down, Marx!
Dana loses it.
DANA
No, you are! You never believed in
me! I hate you, DADDY! Were
putting this play on and if you
dont like it -- tough titties! And
its Marshchshahs, you ass turd
monkey raper!
Dana walks back into the cafetorium and slams the door,
smashing his finger in the jam. The door is stuck closed.
Hes paralyzed with pain.
INT. CAFETORIUM - CONTINUOUS
Dana Delany is still answering Rands question.
DANA DELANY
...I mean, in that case, if I had
slept with the producer I probably
could have gotten a better part,
but he was pretty gross, so I just
couldnt.
RAND
I really appreciate your candor.
Dana slumps to the floor, his finger still in the jamb.
DANA DELANY
Are you alright?
60.
DANA
My finger is stuck. The pain is
exquisite. Ive never felt so much
feeling... This is it! Ive loved
every minute!!!
He passes out. Dana Delany rushes forward. The class jumps
up.
DANA DELANY
Someone get some ice. Let me
through. Im a nurse.
The students free his hand and Dana Delany kneels next to
him. He comes to, looking into her eyes.
DANA
How do you keep your head held high
when all you try to do is make a
difference with your life and
people keep throwing steaming piles
of shit in your face?
DANA DELANY
I dont know but thats why I left
network television.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM - SUNSET
Brie pulls up in Garys car. Dana is sitting on a bench. This
is a low-rent hospital in a low rent part of town. His middle
finger is bandaged with a ten-inch device that looks
alarmingly like a dildo. Hes holding his hand upwards so it
appears hes giving the finger to Brie as she gets out of the
car.
BRIE
Well fuck you too.
DANA
No I have to elevate it.
BRIE
Oh. I though you were flipping me
off.
DANA
It was nice of Gary to let you use
his car. Im glad you two are
getting along.
61.
BRIE
I have to tell you something.
She sits next to him. She looks at him.
BRIE
Im pregnant.
Dana gasps.
DANA
Really?
She nods. His eyes fill up.
DANA
Are you shitting me?
BRIE
No!
He hugs her belly.
BRIE
Christ in a basket, Dana. Thats
too tight.
DANA
And it will always be too tight.
My father never hugged me. And I
will never not hug this unborn
baby!
Dana just stays there, his hands around Bries belly.
WIDE - Beyond the school we see the vast Coronado Mountain
Range and, above it, a rich sunset sky of red clouds parting
to reveal a GOLDEN SHAFT OF SUNLIGHT.
Do we hear ANGELS SINGING? Dana clasps his hands together and
nods knowingly.
DANA
Its like hes telling me theres
hope.
BRIE
Who?
DANA
GOD!
The CAMERA LIFTS UP ABOVE THEM, REVEALING THE VIEW...
62.
DAME JUDY DENCH
(narration)
At this point, it felt to Dana the
air was perfumed with hope. But as
Icarus flew high, full of
aspiration, on wings of wax, he was
unconscious of the possibility of
doom as he neared the sun. And so
was poor dear Dana Marrschz.
FLASHES OF LIGHTNING!
SUPERIMPOSE:
Act Five: Hope is a Demon Bitch
EXT. TUCSON STREET IN FRONT OF KINKOS - NIGHT
A gusty storm is moving up from the south. Dana skates up to
Kinkos, drenched.
INT. KINKO'S -- NIGHT
Dana is at the counter. He holds up different-colored covers
next to a stack of his play.
The Kinko's worker, GLENN, 18, high on weed, brings over more
copies.
DANA
Excuse me. Glenn. Which color do
you this works best for a
controversial piece of socio-
political agit-prop theater?
GLENN
Uh... Most people like blue.
DANA
Hold the phone, guy. I'm not most
people. What's the least popular
color?
GLENN
Uh... Probably orange.
A hideous orange.
63.
DANA
Orange: the color of fire! And of
the poets harvest moon! Glenn!
Weve done it!
GLENN
What?
INT. CAFETORIUM - DAY
Dana is talking to GREG, a handsome man in a light blue
sweatshirt. There are about 30 MEN, all in light blue
sweatshirts milling about, drinking coffee, chatting.
GREG
We thought the play was...
fascinating. Strange. But we
support anything that challenges
the status quo.
DANA
Wow. Thank you so much.
With a wink, Greg starts intoning a honey-sweet B-flat. All
the other men in light blue sweatshirts join in, harmonizing
and taking formation. They are very enthusiastic.
Dana turns to the mesmerized class.
DANA (CONT'D)
I am pretty f-ing excited to
announce that the musical
accompaniment for our little play
will be provided by the Gay Mens
Chorus of Tucson!
The GUYS launch into a sparkling, Broadway-style rendition of
Beast of Burden by the Rolling Stones.
The class watches the performance in stunned silence.
The SONG CONTINUES over the following:
EXT. OCTAVIO'S HOUSE -- LATER
Dana is up on the roof, cleaning out the gutter, precariously
balanced on a ladder. Octavio's father comes out and looks
up. He can see up Danas kaftan. It makes him look away
uncomfortably.
64.
DANA
Im almost done with the gutters!
MR. MARQUEZ
I finished reading the latest
draft.
DANA
So, what do you think?
MR. MARQUEZ
It's not a total disaster.
DANA
(to himself)
Right on, Dana.
MR. MARQUEZ
When you're done up there, come
around back -- the fountain needs
draining.
DANA
You got it.
INT. CAFETORIUM - DAY
We see an elaborate series of wires that drop down and
connect to harnesses. The kids are wandering around them,
intrigued.
Dana talks with two pimply white trash guys, HORACE and
VIRGIL.
DANA
Thanks so much for donating your
wire-work services. How did you
guys get started?
HORACE
Uh, we seen them Kill Bill movies
about twenty times and so we said
shit, we got wire, we got
harnesses. So we get to work in the
backyard and next thing you know,
were in show business.
DANA
(finally realizing)
Oh. So this is your first...
attempt?
65.
HORACE
Yessir.
We see shy Yolanda being buckled into a frightening leather
harness. She has an uncomfortable smile on her face.
HORACE (CONT'D)
Hold on, girl.
Horace unties a rope which allows a heavy weight to fall from
the ceiling. Simultaneously, Yolanda is lifted off her feet
at a tremendous velocity and flies diagonally into a wall.
WHAM!
VIRGIL
Thats cool!
INT. CAFETORIUM -- DAY
Dana talks to PANEER, the Indian Metal Shop teacher. Beyond,
some KIDS from his shop class who are welding a metal set.
The drama class is there, too, bustling around.
DANA
Great job, Paneer. Who said shop
class was useless?
PANEER
I don't know. Did someone say
that?
DANA
No, no. Figure of speech. Walk me
through your work.
PANEER
Okay. This is the Danish castle
slash porno theater.
DANA
Its fantastic, Paneer. I think
its the best set Ive ever seen.
Chuy approaches Dana.
CHUY
Hey, Mr. M., I was thinking, what
if me and my homies drive our
lowriders on stage in the third
act?
66.
DANA
It seems dangerous.
CHUY
(giving up)
Maybe so.
DANA
Which is why I want to do it. We
are not making safe theater!
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE CAFETORIUM - DAY
The door wont open with Danas key.
He notices a MEMO when Chuy and some of the class walk up.
DANA
Jesus Jones! Rockers changed the
locks. This is the first shot
across the bow, boys and girls.
Just like that movie Master and
Commander starring the
terrifyingly real Aussie badboy,
Russell Crowe.
CHUY
Thirty seconds, holmes.
Chuy whips a tiny file out of his wallet, kneeling before the
lock.
DANA
(hesitating)
Chuy, I really think breaking and
entering is neither cool nor
terrific --
But Chuys already done. The door swings open.
DANA (CONT'D)
Oh. That skill raises some
questions. But not for me. Not
now. We have work to do.
CAMERA SWINGS AROUND to a single file line of SEVENTH GRADERS
on their way to the library. The last one along is Noah
Saperstein, the drama critic.
He has just witnessed this episode.
It gives him pause.
67.
CUT TO -
A stack of the most recent issue of DATELINE MESA is dropped
into frame.
Students grab copies.
CUT TO -
CLOSE UP - An article entitled THE PRICE OF FREE SPEECH by
Noah Saperstein.
We PULL BACK to reveal:
INT. CAFETORIUM -
Dana is reading the article while the class listens.
DANA
(reading)
...What about Hamlet II could
possibly offend Principal Rocker to
such a degree? Or is offense the
offense at all? Truth is a nebulous
commodity. As Roland Barthes tells
us, multiple perspectives cannot
ever coalesce...
(he lowers the paper)
Does anybody understand this?
Epiphany rushes in waving a paper.
EPIPHANY
Did you see this article in the
paper?!?!?!
OCTAVIO
Were already reading it, woman.
EPIPHANY
Not the school paper. The News
Press. I stole it from Starbucks.
CHUY
You think youre pretty street,
dont you?
EPIPHANY
You want a piece of me, homey!?
CHUY
NO THANKS.
68.
Danas eyes bug out at the paper. He holds it up.
DANA
Theres a picture of me!
EPIPHANY
(reading)
Why is the school board afraid of
this man?
Epiphany holds up the PHOTO: Dana in combat fatigues and
headband, holding an automatic weapon.
DANA
I was an extra on Magnum PI. What a
wonderful experience. Tom Selleck
is a real pro.
EXT. SCHOOL LAWN - DAY
The class and Dana are having an al fresco read-through.
MAN
Dana Marsha?
DANA
Marzsh. Yes?
The Man hands Dana an envelope. Dana takes it.
MAN
Consider yourself served.
DANA
But... hah!
Dana jumps and throws the envelope like it's made of fire.
DANA (CONT'D)
What the hell was that?
Octavio crosses over and picks it up. He opens it and reads.
OCTAVIO
It's a cease and desist order from
the School Board.
EPIPHANY
What does that mean?
69.
OCTAVIO
The state can arrest Mr. Mahrhsz if
he puts on this play.
Dana grabs the envelope and runs after the guy.
DANA
I dont want this! Unserve me!
Dana jumps onto the hood -- as you would in an 80s Cop Drama
-- and the guy swerves hard to the right. Dana is violently
slammed onto the pavement but he rolls out of it.
DANA (CONT'D)
Im okay!
(then)
Remember, always tuck your head in
and roll into the fall. Bill
Shatner taught me that.
INT. CAFETORIUM -- DAY
Dana is going over the LIGHTING SCHEME with Vitamin J.
DANA
So whats your overall lighting
plan?
VITAMIN J
Yeah.
DANA
Yeah. What is it?
VITAMIN J
With the lighting, its gonna be so
totally akin to... so...
(he drifts off)
DANA
So totally akin to what?
VITAMIN J
What?
DANA
You were just talking. You didnt
finish your sentence.
VITAMIN J
I didnt?
70.
DANA
No.
VITAMIN J
Did you?
DANA
Did I what?
VITAMIN J
What?
DANA
I respect your process.
Dana looks worried. V.J. moves to the Lighting Board.
A WOMAN approaches.
TOVA
Mr. Mahrasscchka?
DANA
Its Marschz. Thanks.
TOVA
Tova Friedman. ACLU. I help the
powerless.
Suddenly the LIGHTS CHANGE to blinding WHITE.
DANA
Ahhhh! My eyes!!!!
TOVA
It's my understanding, sir, that
forces are trying to keep you from
performing Hamlet II.
DANA
I have never been in this much pain
in my life. Vitamin J! I cant see
you!
TOVA
You were served a cease and desist
in regards to the performance?
DANA
Yes.
71.
TOVA
I think we've got a first amendment
case on our hands, Mr. Mahazhza.
DANA
Its Marschz. You really think so?
TOVA
Abso-fucking-lutely. No one's
shutting this play down. That
piece of shit Alberto Gonzales and
the entire Justice Department can
suck my balls.
DANA
What do they have to do with this?
TOVA
My balls?
DANA
No, those people you mentioned.
TOVA
I like throwing names around --
makes good press. So what do you
say, Dana?
DANA
Hey, are you one of those left wing
people who wants to exploit me?
TOVA
Yes I am. Do you have a problem
with that?
DANA
Not at all. Lets do it.
INT. SCHOOL BOARD MEETING -- NIGHT
Mr. Rocker stands in front of a room filled with angry
parents and members of the community. Mrs. Nardi stands
behind him, officiously.
MR. ROCKER
Rest assured, we have the situation
under control. A cease and desist
order has been served. Hamlet II
can not and will not be performed
on school grounds.
72.
One parent stands holding a flier.
PARENT
Well, what the hell do you call
this?
MR. ROCKER
I cant see that far.
PARENT
Its a flier I found on my car. It
says the ACLU has been granted an
injunction that blocks your cease
and desist order.
Theres a rumble throughout the room.
MR. ROCKER
What?
Rocker grabs the flier.
MR. ROCKER (CONT'D)
Hippies with law degrees! They
just unleashed a world of hurt on
themselves!
Mrs. Nardi smiles. She knows just what to do.
INT. CAFETORIUM - DAY
The cast is rehearsing. Octavio is center stage dressed as
Hamlet, spinning at two DJ TURNTABLES, Epiphany, as Christina
Aguilera.
OCTAVIO AS HAMLET
Ill spin your phat licks, little
girl.
Hes very good. Epiphany writhes to the BEAT.
EPIPHANY AS CHRISTINA AGUILERA
Thank you, Hamlet!
To be or not to be?!?!
Thank you, Hamlet!
Produce my next LP!
She turns to us.
EPIPHANY
(turning to Dana)
Whats an LP?
73.
OCTAVIO
Come on. Stay in the play...
(then)
Christina Aguilera, I got no
problem with the hos. But why you
frontin, baby girl?
EPIPHANY
Whassup wityou Hamlet??? Why you
always getting up on my junk,
hunhh???
OCTAVIO
Shut up, girl!!!!
Dana waves his arms.
DANA
Octavio, why are you yelling like
that!?!?! Show respect to your
fellow thespians!
OCTAVIO
Thats the line. Im doing the
play.
DANA
OH! It was just so real, I thought
you were... Okay, Im a stupid
idiot.
(then)
Take five, everyone!
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Dana has just finished tightening his skates. He gets up and
sets out but stalls in the gravel.
DANA
Uhhh. When are they gonna pave this
thing?
Suddenly headlights flash on, blinding Dana.
DANA (CONT'D)
Excuse me... Brights...! Cant see!
The headlights start moving --- STRAIGHT AT Dana!
DANA (CONT'D)
Hey!
74.
And he cant skate. He DIVES out of the path of the car, a
GIANT-WHEELED HIKED-UP BLAZER painted with camouflage, a
rifle rack in back. It fishtails around and points at Dana
again.
DANA (CONT'D)
What are you doing!?!?!?
Hes running away on his skates, damn awkwardly too.
The Blazer comes after him another time.
VOICE
(from inside the door)
Get him with the door, baby-doll!
DANA
Please let me live!!!
We hear a CHILD laughing and the passenger door swings open.
BANG! Knocking Dana over. The Blazer swings around one more
time.
Coming right at him! He rolls right into the path BLAZER
passes right over him ---with several feet clearance
underneath.
The Blazer stops and a big FAT MAN in a John Deere hat leans
out IN SILHOUETTE.
FAT MAN
Youll git it worse if you put on
yer gay commie play! You hear?!?!
DANA
(on the ground, panting)
I hear what youre saying and Im
going to seriously consider your
point of view.
The guy throws an empty Schlitz can at Dana and takes off.
EXT. DANAS HOUSE - NIGHT
Dana skates up.
INT. DANAS HOUSE - NIGHT
He falls in the front door.
75.
DANA
Hi guys! Dont worry, Im only
bruised, not broken. Turns out my
play has divided the community but
I shall not be deterred.
Brie and Gary come out of the bedroom and stand there
awkwardly.
BRIE
Dana...
DANA
Hi, Brie. I think Im going to go
run myself a big bath. Ive had
the worst day ever.
BRIE
There isnt really a delicate way
of saying this except, Gary and I
are together. Were a couple. And
were moving out. Sorry.
Brie goes back in the other room.
DANA
Yeah, a big Arthur style bath with
bubbles. And Im gonna put on my
top hat and Im gonna wish all my
troubles into the cornfield.
Thats what Im gonna do.
Gary is silent. Brie comes back out.
BRIE
Didnt you hear what I said?
DANA
Yes I did, funny bunny.
BRIE
Dana, we are leaving. We are
packed. We are going to San Diego.
DANA
God, I almost believe you.
BRIE
Believe it!
She points to a pile of boxes and bags by the door.
76.
DANA
But... but why? Youre my wife.
BRIE
Your wife is leaving you. Gary and
I have been getting closer for a
while now. Were very compatible.
As long as he keeps his mouth shut.
Gary smiles. Dana finally wraps his head around whats
happening.
BRIE (CONT'D)
Look. Youve been busy with your
play. These things happen. Dont
sweat it. Youll be so much happier
without me.
DANA
What about the baby?
BRIE
The doctor told me a while ago.
Youre shooting blanks. I should
have said something.
DANA
But that must mean...
(a beat)
...oh my gosh.
He looks at Gary. Gary looks at the floor. Dana stands up.
He takes a long time to say this:
DANA (CONT'D)
Brie, Im starting to think that
you are not a very nice person.
Brie bends over and laughs.
BRIE
Dana! Wake up!!!! IM A BITCH!!!
She moves to a row of suitcases and grabs a few.
BRIE (CONT'D)
Come on, Gary.
Gary jumps to, picking up a huge box and heading out the
door.
GARY
Gee, this box is...
77.
BRIE
Pssht.
Gary is instantly silenced.
Dana stumbles over to the couch and flops down.
Brie comes back in for a last load, laying some envelopes
down on the hall table.
BRIE (CONT'D)
Heres the electricity and phone
bills. And the rent is due on
Thursday.
Dana hasnt moved.
BRIE (CONT'D)
Good luck with the play.
(a thoughtful pause)
You really will be better off
without me.
And shes gone.
EXT. DANAS HOUSE - NIGHT
Garys car pulls away.
INT. DANA'S HOUSE -- NIGHT
Dana sits on the couch alone. He holds his Casio keyboard on
his lap and he stares off into the middle distance. He
absently plays a pathetic and tinny version of Maniac from
Flashdance.
DANA
(singing, lost and sad)
Im a maniac, maniac... oh yeah...
And Im dancing like Ive never
danced before....
He looks over: the liquor cabinet is open. Theres a bottle
of peach schnapps that is half empty.
Suddenly Dana dives for it, drinking it down with psychotic
abandon.
78.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE PARKING LOT -- LATER
Dana skates drunkenly into the lot. He misjudges his turn
and collides with a parked car. He slides across the hood of
the car and lands painfully on the blacktop. An ASIAN GROCER
helps him up.
INT. LIQUOR STORE -- MOMENTS LATER
Dana skates in and slams into a wine display. He picks
himself up and crawls to the counter. An old dude is at the
register and watches America's Funniest Home Videos.
DANA
I need something to make the pain
go away.
The old dude turns and pulls a huge scary bottle off the
shelf.
OLD DUDE
Grain alcohol.
Dana sees a flier for his play. He points to it.
DANA
This is me. I'm famous. And now
I'm going to drink myself to death.
Just like Nicolas Cage in Leaving
Fucking Las Vegas!!! What a
performance!
He shoves the flier in the old Dude's face.
DANA (CONT'D)
I'm Leaving Las Vegas!
The Old Dude just looks at him. The cash register dings.
OLD DUDE
One dollar and seven cents.
CUT TO
EXT. STAGE DOOR BEHIND THE CAFETORIUM - DAY
Epiphany pulls up in the activities van. Chuy is waiting at
the loading dock.
79.
EPIPHANY
You guys, we have the TVs.
CHUY
(peering into the van)
Theres a hundred sets in there,
woman! Whered you get those, huh?
EPIPHANY
Stole em from white folks, dog.
WE MOVE THROUGH THE DOOR INTO THE CAFETORIUM:
The place is a serious hive of activity: A giant armature of
speed-rail is being built on the stage by several guys from
Ramons Chop Shop. Octavio and the rest of the class are
helping. Yolanda (left arm in a sling) is meticulously
painting giant mod-graphic words all over the cafetorium
walls: PAIN - LIFE - HATE - PRAY - HEAR - VAIN. Epiphany and
Chuy stream in with TV sets.
IVONNE
...I think Marcshz has got this
thing my cousin has which is like
bipolar but she takes these pills.
CHUY
Hes not bipolar. Hes just a
freak.
IVONNE
I just wish he wouldnt wear leg
warmers. I cant eat lunch when he
does.
OCTAVIO
And would it be possible for him
not to flash his balls at us for
one second?
EPIPHANY
Yeah thats bullshit.
IVONNE
I don't even understand this play.
Why does he have Hamlet travel
through time with Jesus and
Snuggles the fabric softening bear?
OCTAVIO
My dad says he's never seen anyone
more singularly untalented.
80.
EPIPHANY
Pundejo!
CHUY
Who you think you are talkin like
that, white girl?
Epiphany throws him a gang sign then turns and gasps. Dana
has been standing there. And hes quite drunk. He cannot get
to his feet.
DANA
I heard everything.
The class stops cold. Endless silence.
DANA (CONT'D)
I don't even get paid for this job,
did you know that?! There is no
funding for arts education in this
country! I work for gas money --
which is why I skate! Well, that
and the DUI. I live off of gas
money!!!
(then to Octavio)
My life is a parody of a tragedy!
My wife just left me, the baby
wasnt mine, people keep trying to
run me over.
Everyone is embarrassed and tense.
CHUY
Is that barf on your shirt?
DANA
Yes it is. Im a dirty dirty dirty
drunk just like my dirty drunk
dairy farmer father. Next question.
EPIPHANY
What should we do with all the TVs?
DANA
It doesnt matter. Well never get
this play on. Lets just stop now.
Ill just go home and open a vein
and die quietly like everyone wants
me to!
OCTAVIO
What?
81.
Dana breaks down crying and half runs/half skates out of the
classroom. The kids all look at each other, bummed out and
feeling super shitty.
CHUY
He works for gas money?
IVONNE
Ooh, that is harsh.
OCTAVIO
I shouldn't have said that thing
about his balls.
EPIPHANY
I called him a pundejo! I dont
even know what that means.
Octavio heads out. The others follow him.
EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
The sun is setting and a wind is kicking up. Dana is sprawled
on the pavement, whimpering, his skate stuck in a drain
grate.
The class gathers around him.
DANA
Go away you devil bitches!!! Let me
die in peace....
No one quite knows what to say.
A GIRLS VOICE
Pussy!
Everyones head turns to see who said this. The students step
back to reveal: YOLANDA.
IVONNE
Yolanda. You talked.
Yolanda bears down on Dana.
YOLANDA
You come in here and tell us all to
be artistic and put on your crazy
ass play and when things get a
little rough you act like a fucking
pussy?
82.
She throws her paintbrush down on the ground dramatically.
DANA
Yolanda honey, you dont say much
but when you do it sure packs a
wallop.
OCTAVIO
Shes right. Okay, it sounds like
youve had a pretty bad day, Ill
give you that -- but you cant give
up.
DANA
Why not? Nobody cares.
OCTAVIO
Yeah, we do.
DANA
I dont want your pity!
OCTAVIO
You keep talking about making us
extraordinary.
DANA
Thats from Dead Poets.
OCTAVIO
Well, youre teaching us something
really important.
DANA
I am? What?
OCTAVIO
It doesnt matter how much talent
you lack, if you have enthusiasm.
DANA
Oh my god. That is so true.
Because I lack talent.
YOLANDA
The football team and the wrestling
team and all the seniors are gonna
be like security and kick the asses
of anybody who tried to stop the
play.
83.
CHUY
And I got some friends to work the
parking lot in case we have any
trouble, you know what Im sayin?
DANA
No. Not at all.
IVONNE
Also were sold out.
DANA
What?
IVONNE
Like every ticket was bought. And
like channel five is coming. And
you got a message from this guy at
the New York Times.
She hands him a slip of paper. He stares at it.
EPIPHANY
Plus, Mr. M, I just jacked a van-
load of hot T-for-the-Vs. Dont
tell me I did that shit for
nothing.
Octavio steps up to Dana.
OCTAVIO
This play means something to us.
Long pause. Dana starts crying.
DANA
I was just scared. Whenever I go
for something, my heart gets
stomped on. But thats no reason to
give up. Or maybe it is. Wait no,
its not.
He stops and looks at them.
DANA (CONT'D)
You guys are the most important
thing in the world to me.
He raises a clenched fist in the air.
DANA (CONT'D)
TRIUMPH STARTS WITH TRY. Total
emotional 180, guys! WOOOOOOOOO!!!
84.
Everyone is glad.
DANA (CONT'D)
Lets get to work!
The class heads back to the cafetorium but Dana cant move.
DANA
My skates stuck. Anyone want to
lend a hand??
SUPERIMPOSE:
Act Five: No Turning Back!!!
EXT. MESA HIGH SCHOOL -- EVENING
Principal Rocker looks out at the parking lot with Mrs.
Nardi. They stand in front of some open double doors. The
parking lot is filling up with LOWRIDERS with attendant GANG
BANGERS.
PRINCIPAL ROCKER
What the hell is this?
MRS. NARDI
I believe this is the security
detail for the play tonight.
PRINCIPAL ROCKER
Oh really? They think Im going to
be intimidated.
MRS. NARDI
What are you going to do?
PRINCIPAL ROCKER
Im calling in the reserves.
MRS. NARDI
You mean, the parents?
PRINCIPAL ROCKER
No. The actual Army reserves.
These fuckers seems to forget that
this is a Red State! Red as in
Republican, not Communist!
85.
MRS. NARDI
I understand.
A half dozen GANG BANGERS are walking by Rocker and Mr.s
Nardi when they deftly grab Rocker and whisk him off into a
nearby idling VAN.
MR. ROCKER
Call the Army!!!
The VAN doors slam shut and it peels out of the lot.
MRS. NARDI
Whats their number?!?!?!?!?!
INT. BACKSTAGE -- LATER
Octavio and Dana and some of the other kids are facing a
group of PARENTS including Octavios father.
MR. MARQUES
I am revoking my permission for my
son to appear in this play.
PARENT
I am too!
ANOTHER PARENT
And so am I!
DANA
But why now?
PARENT
I heard the play was disgusting!
DANA
If you havent seen it, then how
could you know?
MR. MARQUES
I am not interested in seeing my
son used as a political pawn. He is
not an object.
OCTAVIO
Im not an object. Im a man. I
decided to be in the play myself.
Octavio and Mr. Marques lock stares.
86.
TOVA
According to the ninth circuit
court of appeals, this is still a
public school activity and you have
given tacit approval to allow
participation. Unless any of you
has legal representation present
and are willing to present me with
documenta....
ANOTHER PARENT
You dont control our kids!
DANA
WAKE UP CALL: YOU DONT CONTROL
YOUR KIDS!
(stunned silence)
Now get off my stage before I have
security remove your sorry asses.
We see a group of BANGERS off to the side.
The Parents retreat.
CHUY
Whoa! How did you have the balls
to do that?
Dana puts his hand on Chuys shoulder.
DANA
Im still a little drunk.
INT. CAFETORIUM -- LATER
The audience is percolating with anxiety, anticipation and a
certain amount of fear from all the chaos. People jockey for
mere standing room.
A giant sheath of sheer fabric wraps around the stage.
Epiphany takes center stage.
EPIPHANY
Welcome to the Mesa High drama's
farewell performance. Tonight we
present Hamlet II, a new play by
Dana Marszch.
Parents are in the audience shouting and shoving each other.
87.
EPIPHANYS MOM
Good job Epiphany!
EPIPHANYS DAD
Break a leg!
REDNECK PARENT
Eat shit and die!!!
Epiphanys Parents go after the guy.
ON STAGE --
EPIPHANY
...and thank you for not using
flash photography. Enjoy the show.
ANGLE ON GANGBANGERS --
Who maintain an intimidating crowd control presence around
the edges of the stage. They have gang bandanas and tears
tattooed on their faces. Mrs. Nardi sees them and listens to
her Nextel.
IN THE WINGS --
Dana stands with Octavio and Ivonne. They hear SIRENS.
IVONNE
What the hell is that?
EXT. MESA HIGH SCHOOL -- CONTINUOUS
Cops peel into the parking lot, sirens blaring.
INT. CAFETORIUM -- CONTINUOUS
Octavio looks out a window.
OCTAVIO
It's the cops, man.
DANA
Johnny Law. Right on time.
Dana talks into his theatrical headset.
88.
DANA (CONT'D)
(into headset)
Secure vectors 1 through 12.
EXT. CAFETORIUM -- CONTINUOUS
Two dozen LOWRIDERS pull into the lot, blocking the incoming
cops.
INT. STAGE - NIGHT
Epiphany is just coming offstage when she bumps into Chuy.
CHUY
Watch it.
EPIPHANY
You watch it, nacho bell-grande!
CHUY
Why are you such a racist bitch to
me, huh??!?!
EPIPHANY
Ill show you why, vato.
She jumps him, open-mouthed, knocking him down on the ground.
Insane spit-swap action. Clothes come off.
INT. CAFETORIUM - NIGHT
Suddenly the lights go out. A wave of SHRIEKS and hoots. Is
this a power failure?
But no... STRANGE LIGHTS at the base of the stage are slowly
fading up, like old fashioned footlights. We discern a long
undulating line of bodies. And then we realize:
Everyone looks naked.
A frisson of surprised laughter ripples through the audience.
Mrs. Nardi rushes the stage.
MRS. NARDI
Thats it. Its over. The police
are here. This is shut down!
But five INSANE GANG BANGERS close in on her.
89.
GANG BANGER
Relax, sister. Enjoy the show.
She takes a seat, terrified.
EXT. CAFETORIUM -- CONTINUOUS
We see members of the football team barricade bleachers and
cars against the doors just as the cops descend on the
school.
INT. CAFETORIUM -- AUDIENCE -- CONTINUOUS
Suddenly, amid wafts of smoke, the bodies all DEFLATE! They
were inflatable sex dolls. And the white curtain falls to
reveal a tableau vivant: HAMLET, LAURA BUSH, A LITTLE GIRL,
SMOKEY THE BEAR, as well as CRAZY LESBIAN DISCO DANCERS.
INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Chuy and Epiphany are getting down to the nasty when she
stops.
EPIPHANY
The curtains up!
They jump up!
ONSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
The giant metal framework is absolutely covered in the stolen
TVs all of which are synchronized to a picture of EXPLOSIVE
FLAMES.
And beyond that is the Gay Mens Chorus of Tucson, belting
out Isnt It Ironic? by Alanis Morrisette in the style of a
Gregorian chant.
ANGLE - BACK ON THE AUDIENCE
Everyone is absolutely stunned into silence. We see flickers
of lights dance in the eyes of various audience members:
Paneer, Mrs. Nardi, Octavios Father and Glenn from Kinkos.
They are all riveted.
GLENN
Cool.
90.
CUT TO -
Mr. Rocker, blindfolded and bound, is being carried by the
BANGERS and placed in a chair. LOUD MUSIC and FLASHING
LIGHTS.
ROCKER
For the love of God, you boys will
go to prison for this. Kidnapping
is a mandatory sixteen years in the
great State of Arizona...! WHERE AM
I!?!?!
The Bangers pull off the blindfold and run out.
WIDE - We are in an extremely LOW RENT STRIP CLUB. Theres
only one ASIAN STRIPPER onstage and one other comatose
PATRON.
The stripper notices Rocker and dances over toward him,
smiling.
STRIPPER
Hi cutie.
ROCKER
Untie me!
STRIPPER
You like it kinky, huh? Thats hot!
EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
There are NEWS VANS and HANGERS ON ROAMING about.
We can see inside ONE NEWS VAN. All the TECHNICIANS and
PERSONNEL are hypnotized by the images on their little TV
screens.
EXT. SCHOOL -- CONTINUOUS
A TELEMUNDO REPORTER is reporting her live team coverage back
to the station.
JULIA DE LA HUERTA
(in Spanish with
subtitles)
It's madness down here, Bob.
91.
(MORE)
Teachers and students, cops,
parents and local gang-bangers have
all converged on Mesa High School
for Dana Mahrsssh's controversial
new play --
(in English)
Hamlet II.
(back to Spanish)
With me is Tova Friedman from the
ACLU who represents Mr. Mahsrhss.
Tova?
TOVA
(beat)
Look. I took French at Vassar. I'm
not understanding a thing here.
INT. CAFETORIUM - A LITTLE LATER -
OUT OF TOTAL BLACKNESS we see candles, hundred of candles,
which are, in fact, images of candles on the TV screens.
And BODIES ARE FLOATING in front of them, absolutely still.
Suddenly strobe lights illuminate Octavio, dressed as Hamlet,
and seven black-robed NINJA WARRIORS. They begin an elegant
slow-motion kung-fu FIGHT while the CHORUS SINGS SPACE
ODDITY by David Bowie.
ON THE AUDIENCE --
An HYSTERICAL WOMAN stands up.
HYSTERICAL WOMAN
Hamlet doesnt do Kung Fu!
A man near her and takes her on.
MAN
It's allegorical!
HYSTERICAL WOMAN
It's retarded!
MAN
Youre retarded.
She sits down.
ONSTAGE -
92.
JULIA DE LA HUERTA (cont'd)
ON THE TV SCREENS - We see footage of ATOMIC WARFARE and
STARVING CHILDREN edited with clips from Smokey and the
Bandit and NFL highlights.
Octavio as Hamlet, holding a skull, waves his arms and the
screens go black.
ANGLE - IN THE AUDIENCE
Rand is sitting far in the back, crying.
He suddenly gets up and runs toward the stage, slipping
behind a curtain on the side.
INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Everyone is standing in the wings, amazed at how well its
going, most of all Dana whos changing into his Ghost-of-
Hamlets-Father costume. Rand runs up, exhilarated.
RAND
This is the most important
theatrical event in the history of
Tucson. I have to be a part of it!
DANA
Oh Rand. What a brave and generous
thing to say.
They hug.
DANA (CONT'D)
I hit Yolanda with a door and shes
in a lot of pain. I think you might
fit into her costume. Would you
mind playing a woman?
RAND
Ive been going to therapy five
days a week and I started on anti-
depressants so Im feeling much
more comfortable with my sexuality.
DANA
Thats wonderful, Rand.
Dana holds up a blue dress and a beret.
93.
INT. STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Dana steps out in his Ghost-of-Hamlets-Father costume which
looks weirdly like a Canadian Dairy Farmer.
DANA
(singing, in a
surprisingly good
baritone)
I am the ghost of Hamlets Father!
Im a drunk dairy farmer. I think
I know everything! Wheres that
piece of crap actor son of mine?
Hell never add up to anything. I
drink Molsen beer and yell a lot--
Dana turns to a giant wall of mirrors at the back of the
stage and sees himself, freezing.
DANA (CONT'D)
Poppa!? What are you doing here?
BACKSTAGE - Ivonne is waiting for her entrance, standing next
to the STAGE MANAGER who follows the TEXT.
IVONNE
Whats he doing? Thats not in the
script.
CLOSE ON DANAS FACE - Hes awestruck. WE SLOWLY PULL BACK TO
REVEAL: We find ourselves in a real
CANADIAN DAIRY FARM - EARLY MORNING
Dana faces his real FATHER, a craggy sullen old farmer,
clutching a shovel. The image is SEPIA.
Now we see the Ten Year Old Version of Dana, his breath
visible in the frigid Canadian air.
TEN YEAR OLD DANA
(high pitched and
plaintive)
Poppa, is that you? Where am I,
Poppa?
FATHER
Yer in the barn, ya piece of shit.
Now go clean the mold off them cow
tits before I cuff ya.
94.
TEN YEAR OLD DANA
Poppa, why didnt you ever hug me?
FATHER
Cause I dont love ya. Yer just a
little piece a fuck trash.
TEN YEAR OLD DANA
Hug me now, Poppa. Theres still
time.
FATHER
Aint gonna hug ya.
Ten Year Old Dana walks toward his father with arms
outstretched.
Danas Dad smacks Ten Year Old Dana in the head with the
shovel. The little boy lifts himself up and pleads.
BACK ON STAGE - Dana slams into the mirror.
DANA
I forgive you!
He slams again, hugging his own reflection.
THE AUDIENCE is rapt in the moment.
DANA DELANY
Wow.
Then Dana awkwardly karate chops the glass into a million
little pieces.
DANA
I love you, Daddy! I forgive you!
I forgive you!
Suddenly, HEADLIGHTS FLASH ON towards the audience!
There are two glistening CHOPPED LOWRIDERS on the stage.
Between them is a giant CRUCIFIX composed of TV screens. The
TV screens flicker with footage of WARFARE and TAPDANCING.
Octavio in a flowing DAY-GLO robe holding a DAY-GLO skull,
floats in the air.
The LOWRIDERS start their cars jumping up and down on their
hydraulics, the headlights cutting a swath up and down across
the audience.
95.
Octavio raises his arms and looks to heaven and SCREAMS in a
spine-rattling way that jolts everyone within earshot.
And everything goes black.
The audience starts to CLAP but a candle is lit.
Its a tiny child singing SOMEONE SAVED MY LIFE TONIGHT by
Elton John.
Another child lights a candle from that child and joins in
singing. And then another. And another.
PARENT
My god!!! Theater can be
meaningful!!!
The SMALL CHILDREN, dressed as acolytes bearing candles are
assembling in front of the GAY MENS CHORUS.
Then out steps Rand in a MONICA LEWINSKY MASK and dress. She
is flanked by students in masks representing MAHATMA GHANDI,
ALBERT EINSTEIN, JOHN WAYNE and the cast of FRIENDS. Removing
his mask, Rand joins the crescendo of the song in a piercing
SOPRANO. Octavio, still holding his dayglow skull, walks in
with an American flag. All the characters join together and
thrust the flag Iwo Jima style into a huge mountain of TVs.
They hold their marines at Iwo Jima pose for a couple of
seconds. Then...
The place goes BLACK.
Silence, then finally some clapping. Then more. And MORE.
Finally it is THUNDEROUS.
The footlights come up and the cast takes a giant bow en
masse. Cheers. People are yelling Bravo!
Its overwhelming for Octavio, Ivonne, everyone.
Finally Dana steps out on to the stage and the ENTIRE
AUDIENCE jumps to its feet.
ON DANA DELANY --
She speaks into her phone.
DANA DELANY
Marty, it's me. It's Dana Delany.
Im fine. Listen... I'm ready to
act again.
96.
A DOUBLE DOOR bursts open and the TUCSON POLICE thrust in led
by ANGRY PARENTS.
PARENT
Youre going down, Marschehss!!!!
They storm the stage, throwing Dana down on the ground and
slapping on handcuffs.
DANA
Its Mahrscz!!!! Its Mahrschz!!!
The audience reacts violently.
MR. MARQUEZ
No!!!! What are you doing!?!?!?
TOVA
I think this is part of the show.
A Tucson Police Officer slams into her, knocking her on her
ass.
TOVA (CONT'D)
I guess its not part of the show.
FIGHTS are breaking out. Audience members are trying to pull
Dana away from the Cops. Hes lifted up onto the crowd, rock-
star-style. Hes got a crazy smile on his face.
DANA
I... AM... DELIVERED!!!!
FLASH! FLASH!
FADE OUT -
FADE UP - INT. LOW RENT STRIP CLUB - LATE NIGHT
The Asian STRIPPER is giving Rocker a lapdance.
STRIPPER
Im super serious. I like your
type. You seem normal but then
youre a tiger in the sack, huh?
ANGLE ON ROCKER - Hes untied, just sitting there, entranced.
ROCKER
My God, youre beautiful.
He runs his hand up her leg.
97.
STRIPPER
Im gonna snap you in half.
FADE OUT -
FADE UP - INT. JAIL -- NEXT DAY
Dana sits behind Plexiglas and speaks into a phone.
DANA
Do I have regrets? Sure. We
jumped some of our cues and, on
review, animals and children and
candles are not a wise combination.
We see a reporter, RON, on the other side of the Plexiglas
partition. Tova sits next to him.
RON
Youre an original, Mr. Mahrschz.
TOVA
The ACLU does not back crackpots,
Ron. Okay? Dana is a true
American hero.
DANA
Where did you say you were from
again?
RON
The New York Times.
DANA
I hear its a terrific paper.
TOVA
This bitch has gone national, Dana.
DANA
Wow.
Dana stares off in a reverie.
TOVA
And we're gonna get you out of this
shit-heap ASAP. If the state even
tries to press charges I'll be so
far up their asses I'll be able to
chew their food.
DISSOLVE -
98.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Dana is strolling along in a dramatic flowing coat with a fur
collar. It is cold. And we cannot see with whom he is
conversing:
DANA
...Im just so flattered. Ive
never been in the position of
having to say no. Or no thank you.
ENGLISH WOMAN
Youd better get used to it.
DANA
There were always these voices
telling me I was a no-talent loser.
ENGLISH WOMAN
Your subconscious?
DANA
No, actual people: my wife, co-
workers, pretty much everyone.
They come to a stop and we finally see who it is: DAME JUDY
DENCH.
JUDY DENCH
Youre not a loser. Youre
wonderful. And I perfectly
understand if you dont have room
for me in your play.
DANA
Oh Dame Judith...
JUDY DENCH
Please call me Judy.
Dana Delany pops out of a shop and puts her arm through
Danas, interlocking fingers.
DANA DELANY
He wont let me be in it either.
And Im his girlfriend!
Dana and Dana kiss.
DANA
Im sorry. I want to preserve the
original cast.
99.
JUDY DENCH
Bloody artistic integrity!
They all have a laugh.
JUDY DENCH (CONT'D)
Speak of the devil...
WIDE ANGLE - We finally see where we are: in the heart of
LONDONS WEST END, the theatre district.
Octavio, Chuy, Epiphany, Rand, Yolanda and Ivonne are
crossing the street toward them, all in hip new outfits, all
with exhilarated expressions. Beyond them we see a THEATRE
MARQUEE emblazoned with: Coming Soon: Hamlet II.
CHUY
Mr. M! Londons pretty cool
compared to Tucson.
Dana puts his arm around Chuy.
DANA
Oh Chuy. Youre going to have a
magical life. Because no matter
where you go, it will always be
better than Tucson.
Judy and Danas mix into the gang and they all head off
somewhere--- somewhere fantastic. As we pull up and away...
In booms the thrilling strains of There Is Nothing Like a
Dame as sung by the Gay Mens Chorus of Tucson.
END
100.