Family Guy "Home Alone, Cinco de Mayo" Written by Rodney Ohebsion

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FAMILY GUY

"Home Alone, Cinco De Mayo"


Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2014
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
LOIS
OK Peter. Im going.
PETER
Where?
LOIS
To Atlantic City.
PETER
You mean it actually exists? I
thought it was just some place that
Marvel made up so they could put
Batman in it.
LOIS
No, Peter. Youre thinking of
Gotham City. Im going to Atlantic
City.
PETER
Oh. Is that the place with all of
those Mexicans?
LOIS
No. Thats Mexico City.
PETER
Is Atlantic City that place where
the Kansas City Chiefs play?
LOIS
No. Thats Kansas City. Peter--stop
bringing up cities that have names
ending with the word "city."
PETER
Is Atlantic City the place where I
pee all over the toilet seat every
morning?
LOIS
No. Thats our bathroom.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
Peter walks in, uses a screwdriver to detach the seat from
the toilet, and then takes it into the shower and urinates
on it.
2.
PETER
(calls out to Lois)
Honey. Im done peeing all over the
toilet seat.
LOIS (O.S.)
For the last time, Peter! Youre
supposed to pee in the toilet.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
PETER
Well wheres Atlantic City?
LOIS
New Jersey.
PETER
You mean like how Zooey Deschanel
shares an apartment with three
single men?
LOIS
Thats not New Jersey. Thats the
TV show New Girl.
ZOEY DESCHANEL walks in.
ZOEY DESCHANEL
Hi Lois.
LOIS
Hi Zoey.
She walks into the bathroom and closes the door.
ZOEY DESCHANEL (O.S.)
Peter! You peed all over the toilet
seat!
PETER
(to Lois)
Wheres New Jersey?
LOIS
Its another state.
PETER
Honey--dont be silly. You cant go
to another state. Its illegal for
a woman to cross state lines
without her husband.
3.
LOIS
Thats not a law.
PETER
Sure it is. Its sharia law.
LOIS
We dont live in a Muslim country.
PETER
Barack Hussein Obama. Hussein.
LOIS
That doesnt mean hes Muslim.
Obama walks into their bedroom.
OBAMA
Oh. Excuse me. I mustve gone into
the wrong building. I thought this
was a Mosque. By the way, uhhhh,
death to America.
PETER
I told you, honey.
Obama walks into their bathroom and closes the door.
LOIS
Peter. Im going to Atlantic City
with the girls. Weve already
talked about this.
PETER
OK, honey. Have fun. And tell Chris
to make me breakfast. No bacon,
though. Sharia law.
LOIS
Chris is spending the weekend at
his friend Toms house.
PETER
Tell Meg to make me breakfast.
LOIS
Meg is spending the weekend at
Keishas house.
PETER
Tell Stewie to make me breakfast.
4.
LOIS
Stewies starring in the Broadway
play Grand Theft Auto.
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Stewie and the other ACTORS are performing a key scene from
Phantom of the Opera, only theres a car in the middle of
the stage.
A MAN in the audience tells his WIFE:
MAN
Is it just me, or is Grand Theft
Auto a lot like Phantom of the
Opera?
Stewie takes out an 18th century rifle and tarts shooting
the actors.
MAN
Uh. Nevermind.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
PETER
(to Lois)
OK. So no you, no Meg, no Stewie.
Who does that leave left? Um...
Roger?
LOIS
Brian.
PETER
Tell Brian to make me breakfast.
Brian walks into the room.
BRIAN
OK, guys. Im off to Marthas
Vineyard for the weekend.
PETER
Wait. All of you are gonna be away
for the weekend?
LOIS
Yes, Peter.
5.
PETER
So its just gonna be me?
LOIS
Yeah.
PETER
At home?
LOIS
Right.
PETER
Alone?
LOIS
Yes.
PETER
Im gonna be home alone?
LOIS
Yes, Peter. Youre gonna be home
alone.
PETER
Wow! This is gonna be just like
that movie.
BRIAN
You mean Home Alone?
PETER
I was gonna say Madeas Family
Reunion. But your example is much
better.
MADEA walks in.
MADEA
You crazy as hell, Peter! I outta
punch you in da face!
She walks into the bathroom.
LOIS
OK, honey. Im leaving. Ill see
you on Monday.
PETER
Bye, honey.
6.
BRIAN
(to Peter)
Bye, honey.
PETER
Bye, Peter.
BUG BUNNY appear in the room.
BUGS BUNNY
Rabbit season.
PETER
Peter season. Fire!
ELMER FUDD shoots Peter.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Peter is at the top the the staircase.
PETER
Guys? Lois? Brian? Chris? Meg?
Stewie? Peter? ... Uncle Frank?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY (LATER)
Peter is now downstairs, and on the phone.
INT. JOES HOME - DAY
Joe picks up the phone.
JOE
Hey, Peter.
(Back and forth between Griffin Home and Joes Home)
PETER
Joe. Youre never gonna believe
this. Im home alone!
JOE
What does that mean?
PETER
I means... no rules. I can do
whatever I want. I can sleep as
late as I want. I can eat whatever
I want.
7.
JOE
Peter. You always eat whatever you
want. Thats why you weigh 320
pounds.
PETER
Yeah. But now I can eat whatever I
want.
JOE
All you did was emphasize the word
whatever.
PETER
But now I can eat whatever I want.
JOE
You just did it again.
PETER
But now I can eat while Im naked.
JOE
You were naked last week at your
dinner party.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
(Flashback Scene)
The doorbell rings. Peter answers it to reveal Joe and
Bonnie.
PETER
Joe. Bonnie, So glad that you could
make it. Let me take your coats.
He takes their coats, puts them in a closet.
PETER
And now let me take off my shirt.
He takes off his shirt in one swoop.
PETER
And pants.
He takes off his shoes and pants.
PETER
And underwear.
He takes off his underwear, and puts it on a coat rack
8.
PETER
Im gonna keep my socks on,
though. Alright. Come in.
He points to a tray of hors doeuvre
PETER
Would you like some whores de over
easy. Thats French for appetizers.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Peter is still on the phone with Joe.
PETER
Yeah. Youre right, Joe. French is
a stupid language. They got their
whores de over easy, and they say
"chips" instead of French fries.
JOE
Uh. We werent talking about
French. By the way--the British are
the ones who call French fries
"chips."
PETER
Yeah. Youre right, Joe. French is
a stupid language.
JOE
So, aside from eating while naked,
what else are you gonna do while
youre home alone?
PETER
Um. I dont know. I guess watch TV.
JOE
Are you gonna watch pornographic
content?
PETER
No. Joe--this is a childrens
Christmas movie. Its not gonna
make money unless its PG.
JOE
Oh. Well then maybe you should take
out that scene directed by Quentin
Tarantino.
9.
INT. AIRPLANE - DAY
WOMAN FROM HOME ALONE
Kevin!
UMA THURMAN runs over to her, and uses a samurai sword to
slice off her head.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Peter is holding a bacon cheeseburger while watching TV. He
opens the burger and takes out the bacon.
PETER
No bacon. Sharia law
(ON TV) INT. APARTMENT ROOM- DAY
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Coming this summer. Mcacauley
Culkin. Robert DeNiro. In Turner
and Hooch, Part II.
Robert DeNiro is all fours, barking.
Macauley Culkin fills a bowl with dog food.
MACAULEY CULKIN
There you go, Hooch.
Robert DeNiro eats some food.
ROBERT DENIRO
I dont get why Im playing the
dog. Im Robert freaking DeNiro.
How come youre not playing the
dog?
Macauley Culkin throws a tennis ball
MACAULEY CULKIN
Fetch, boy! Fetch!
ROBERT DENIRO
Hey! Im eating here!
MACAULEY CULKIN
Good dog.
10.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
PETER
That reminds me. I should go
shopping.
INT. CONVENIVENCE STORE - DAY
Peter is holding 50 toothbrushes. He takes them to the
cashier and drops them on the counter.
CASHIER
Hi.
PETER
Merry Christmas.
CASHIER
Sir. Its May Fifth.
PETER
Oh. Excuse me. Feliz Navidad.
She begins ringing up his toothbrushes.
PETER
Dont you just love it when
Christmas falls on the same day as
Cinco de May-o?
A MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS wearing a sombrero walks in through
the door.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
Ho ho, ho, amigos.
He drinks from a bottle of Corona eggnog.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
Viva la Mexico.
Peter walks up to him.
PETER
OK. Let me see your green card,
Santa.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
What are you talking about, homes?
I was born in East LA.
11.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Peter is sitting around, brushing his teeth.
PETER
Hi Lois.
LOIS
Hey Peter. Are you having fun there
all by yourself?
PETER
Im not all by myself. If you must
know, Ive taken a second wife.
INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY
MINISTER
Do you, Peter, take this woman,
Barbra Walters, to be your lawfully
wedded wife?
PETER
I do.
INT. THE VIEW SET - DAY
SHERRI SHEPHERD
We got a big surprise for you.
Shes back. And she just got
married. She is the creator of the
this show, and shes here with with
her obnoxious new husband Peter.
Give it up for our friend and
mentor, Barbara Walters-Griffin!
BARBARA WALTERS walks onto the set with Peter.
Cut to 20 seconds later. Peter and Barbara are seated in the
middle of the View table.
SHERRI SHEPHERD
First of all. Before we get
started, let me just say Feliz
Navidad to the two of you.
BARBARA & PETER
Feliz Navidad.
12.
SHERRI SHEPHERD
OK. Now Barbara. I gotta ask you
this. How come you didnt invite me
to the wedding?
BARBARA WALTERS
Because I hate you.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
LOIS
Youve taken a second wife?
Barbara Walters flosses her teeth as she walks up to Peter.
BARBARA WALTERS
Peter.
PETER
(on phone)
Hold on, honey. My other honey
wants to talk to me.
(to Barbara Walters)
What is it, honey?
BARBARA WALTERS
I want a divorce.
PETER
OK, honey. Just make me some fried
chicken, and then get out of my
house.
She walks out of the front door.
PETER
(on phone)
OK, honey. Im single again. Except
for my marriage to you. So hows
your trip been going? Are you
getting along with Batman and all
the Mexicans?
LOIS
Peter. For the last time. Im not
in Gotham City or Mexico City.
Lois is standing near a roulette table, where BATMAN, ROBIN,
and a bunch of MEXICANS are standing.
13.
MEXICAN MAN
Check it out, Batman. Im gonna
roll a seven.
PETER
That sounded like a Mexican guy
talking to Batman.
LOIS
It was. So have you been brushing
your teeth, Peter?
PETER
Yes.
LOIS
Have you been flossing?
PETER
No.
LOIS
Good. Flossing is pointless.
PETER
You know, the darndest thing
happened today. Joe Pesci didnt
break into my house and try to
steal everything.
LOIS
Thats because Joe Pesci is an
actor.
PETER
But Im home alone, and I put
together my attack plan.
Peter is holding a piece of paper that says in crayon: "1.
Kill Joe Pesci. 2. Eat baloney sandwich. 3. Kill Joe Pesci.
4. Eat turkey sandwich."
LOIS
Peter. Just because youre home
alone, that doesnt mean Joe
Pescis gonna break into your home.
PETER
How about Robert DeNiro?
LOIS
Actors dont break into homes.
Criminals do.
14.
PETER
Right.
EXT. TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Thug (black) Thug 2 (white) are standing around on a street
corner. Peter walks up to them.
PETER
Hows it going?
THUG
I got the stuff. You got the money?
PETER
What? No--Im not here to buy
drugs.
THUG
Well then, how many tricks did you
turn today, bitch?
PETER
Uh. no. Im not one of your
prostitutes.
THUG 2
Well did you kill Collin, like I
told you to?
PETER
No. You must have me confused with
another guy.
THUG
Well then who are you?
PETER
Peter.
THUG
And what is it that you want,
Peter?
PETER
Well. Nothing in particular. Im
just making small talk. So, uh, how
about those Patriots?
THUG
I dont know about you, but Im
concerned that Johnsons surgically
(MORE)
15.
THUG (contd)
repaired knee isnt gonna hold up
this season.
PETER
You know, Im gonna be home alone
for the next two days.
THUG
Home alone?
PETER
Yeah. Home alone. Not Madeas
Family Reunion. And in case youre
curious, heres my address.
He hands the Thug a slip of paper.
THUG
I thought we were talking about the
Patriots.
PETER
Yeah. I got a lot of nice stuff in
my house. Gold, diamonds, Fruit
Loops, Cheerios. Also, Im gonna
leave the front door unlocked from
8 to 8:30 pm tonight. And Im gonna
be naked, in case youre interested
in that. So in summary, thats
"door unlocked, 8 to 8:30, gold,
diamonds, cereal, me, naked." OK. I
gotta go. So long, fellas.
He walks away.
THUG 2
(to Thug 1)
You really think Johnsons knee is
still injusred?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
A clock ticks over to 8:00.
Peter is staring at the front door, and holding a can of
paint.
Quagmire walks in with an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
16.
PETER
Quagmire!? What the hell are you
doing here?
QUAGMIRE
Well. Word on the street is that
your doors gonna be unlocked from
8 to 8:30. So I figured Id come in
here and have sex.
PETER
For some reason, that makes perfect
sense to me. But you gotta go. Im
supposed to be home alone for the
two thugs I chatted with earlier.
QUAGMIRE
For some reason, that makes perfect
sense to me.
He spots a 12 pack of Corona eggnog on the table.
QUAGMIRE
Hey. Mexican eggnog.
He grabs the eggnog, and he and the Woman leave.
Seconds later, the two Thugs walk in.
Peter throws a paint can at them, but he misses and it goes
right through the window.
PETER
Uh. How you fellas doing? Would you
like some whores de over easy?
He points to a tray of hors dourves on the table.
THUG
No thanks. We ate before we got
here. Now wheres all the gold and
diamonds?
THUG 2
And how come youre not naked?
PETER
(to Thug 2)
Are you Marv or Harry?
THUG
Wheres all of your jewelry?
17.
PETER
Its, uh, somewhere. But before we
go get it, how about you guys
follow me into the garage?
THUG 2
Why?
PETER
I have another paint can there, and
I want to throw it at your head.
THUG 2
Where the hells your jewelry?
PETER
(sings Christmas music from Home
Alone)
THUG
Stop singing!
THUG 2
(to Thug 2)
I like that song.
THUG
Great. Ill buy you the CD later.
But right now, were robbing this
house.
THUG 2
Buy me the CD? I havent played a
CD in five years.
THUG
Whatever. Ill download the song on
iTunes.
THUG 2
iTunes? I dont use iTunes. I steal
my music.
THUG
Well maybe you should stop being
such a cheap ass, and start paying
for stuff.
THUG 2
Youre right. Im not gonna steal
anymore.
He points a gun at Peter.
18.
THUG 2
Now give me your wallet!
PETER
Uh. My wallet is in the garage.
Next to the paint can. Let me go
get it.
THUG 2
Ill get it.
He walks away. He comes back a few seconds later.
THUG 2
I couldnt find it.
PETER
Well did you see the paint can?
THUG 2
Yeah. But there was no wallet next
to it.
PETER
Its there. What you need to do is
pick up the paint can, and slam it
into your head--and the wallet is
right there.
He begins walking away. He stops and walks back.
THUG 2
Wait a second. Why would your
wallet be next to your paint can?
Most people dont store wallets
next to paint cans in garages.
THUG
Thats a stupid question. The man
put his wallet next to his paint,
because hes planning to paint his
wallet. OK? Now go the garage and
hit yourself in the head with the
paint can.
PETER
What are you talking about? Why the
hell would I paint my wallet?
THUG
Good point.
(to Thug 2)
Why the hell would this fat boy
paint his wallet?
19.
PETER
Hey. I didnt say "fat boy."
THUG
Well I added it.
(to Thug 2)
Why would this fat boy paint his
wallet?
THUG 2
I dont know. It was your theory.
THUG
(to Peter)
Wheres your wallet, and where are
your diamonds?!
PETER
You know, I like how youre an
interracial crime duo. Thats good.
Have you ever thought about adding
like an Asian guy or something?
THUG 2
Yeah. We actually tried to find one
on Craigslist.
EXT. TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
(Flashback scene)
A TIBETAN MAN walks up to the Thugs.
TIBETAN MAN
Are you Harry and Marv?
THUG
Yeah.
TIBETAN MAN
Im the Asian criminal.
THUG 2
The one who emailed us on
Craigslist?
TIBETAN MAN
No. The one who emailed you on
JDate. Of course Im the guy from
Craigslist!
20.
THUG
Whats JDate?
THUG 2
A Jewish dating website.
THUG
Oh.
(to Tibetan Man)
... So you want to be down with us?
TIBETAN MAN
Hell yeah.
THUG 2
Wait a second. Are you Tibetan?
TIBETAN MAN
Yeah.
THUG
Tibetan?
TIBETAN MAN
Yes. Tibetan.
THUG 2
We dont want a Tibetan guy in our
crew.
TIBETAN MAN
But the ad said "Asian."
THUG
Yeah. We meant Chinese, or
Japanese, or something like that.
TIBETAN MAN
I am something like that. Im
Tibetan like that.
THUG 2
Thats not like Chinese or
Japanese. Thats something else.
Our diversity program isnt
accepting Tibetan applicants.
TIBETAN MAN
Isnt it ironic that your diversity
program discriminates against
minority groups?
21.
THUG
Isnt it ironic that Im about to
put my foot up your Tibetan ass?
TIBETAN MAN
Thats not ironic.
THUG
Sure it is. Because this shoe was
made in Tibet.
TIBETAN MAN
Really?
THUG
No.
TIBETAN MAN
Then its not ironic.
THUG 2
(to Thug 1)
Well maybe the irony lies in the
fact that your wife is Tibetan.
THUG
Yeah. My wife is Tibetan. Isnt
that ironic?
TIBETAN MAN
Sort of.
THUG 2
She also sells shoes.
THUG
Right. She sells shoes.
TIBETAN MAN
That makes it a little more ironic.
THUG 2
Also, you said you were gonna put
your foot up his Tibetan ass--and
just the other day, a Tibetan
donkey put his foot up your ass.
THUG
Yeah. Thats ironic, too. Were up
to three levels or irony.
22.
TIBETAN MAN
Fine. Its ironic.
THUG
(to Thug 2)
Wait a second. That donkey was from
Nepal--not Tibet.
THUG 2
Oh yeah. Thats right. Nepal.
TIBETAN MAN
Then its not ironic.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Peter is tied to a chair. The Thugs are putting his stuff in
two big bags.
Mexican Santa Claus comes down the chimney holding a shovel.
He runs up to the Thugs--and in one swing, he knocks out
both of them. He walks up to Peter and unties him.
PETER
Thanks, Mexican Santa Claus.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
De nada.
PETER
What the hell does that mean?
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
Its Spanish for "Youre welcome."
PETER
Spanish? This is America, jack.
Around here, we speak American! No
"de nada," no "whores de over
easy," and no "chips" when youre
talking about fries. ... But once
again, thanks for saving me,
Mexican Santa Claus.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
De nada.
Peter points to the tray of hors doeuvres.
PETER
Would you like some whores de over
easy?
23.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
Sure.
He eats one.
PETER
Id offer you some Mexican eggnog,
but Quagmire took my 12 pack.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
That sounds like Quagmire.
Peter grabs a guitar, and begins playing "Feliz Navidad"
while singing.
PETER
Feliz Navidad / Feliz Navidad
/ Feliz Navidad / Spanish, Spanish,
Spanish, Spanish.
Mexican Santa Claus grabs the guitar from Peter.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
That song was written by a Puerto
Rican man. Its very offensive to
sing it on Mexican Christmas, in
front of Mexican Santa Claus.
PETER
Oh. OK. What should I sing?
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
How about Mexican Jingle Bells?
PETER
Um. I dont know that one. How
about I sing Puerto Rican Jingle
Bells instead?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Peter is seated on the sofa, watching TV.
(ON TV) INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
Barack Obama, Madea, and Zoey Deschanel are all smoking.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Premiering this Wednesday on Fox.
Madea. Obama. And Zoey Deschanel.
In the first ever sitcom set in a
(MORE)
24.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (contd)
bathroom. Tune it at 8clock
to: The New Girl at Madeas Family
Reunion--and Obamas There, Too.
MADEA
You crazy as hell, Zoey! I outta
punch you in da face!
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
PETER
I guess I wasnt home alone. I
shouldve realized that yesterday
when I was taking a piss.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
(Flashback scene)
Obamas sitting on the toilet with his clothes on, and Madea
and Zoey are standing around. Peter walks in, oblivious to
the three of them. He pushes Obama off of the toilet,
without noting that hes a person. He uses a screwdriver to
take off the toilet, and then he takes it into the shower
and urinates on it.
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Lois walks in.
LOIS
Honey--Im back.
Barbara Walters walks in.
BARBARA WALTERS
(to Peter)
Honey--I want you back.
LOIS
Peter--what is Barbara Walters
doing here?
PETER
Oh. Shes my ex-wife. I married and
divorced her while you were away.
25.
LOIS
You cant marry a woman when youre
already married.
PETER
Yes you can, Lois. Sharia law.
OBAMA
Thats true. Death to America.
LOIS
Well tell her to leave.
BARBARA WALTERS
Im not going anywhere. Hes my
man.
LOIS
Hes my husband.
(ON TV) INT GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Peter, Lois, and Barbara Walters are in the same positions
as before.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Premiering this Wednesday on Fox.
Peter. Lois. And Barbara Walters.
In: The New Girl Who Lives with
Peter and Lois, and Who Was Married
to Peter For a Day--and Madeas
There, Too.
Madea walks into the room.
MADEA
You crazy as hell, Barbara Walters!
I outta punch you in da face!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And it also stars Mexican Santa
Claus.
Mexican Santa Claus comes down the chimney holding a shovel,
and he runs up to Madea and hits her in the head.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
I dont like how youre a racial
stereotype.
Peter grabs a guitar.
26.
PETER
(singing)
Feliz Navidad.
Mexican Santa Claus hits him with a shovel. He then stares
at Barbara Walter for three seconds, and hits her in the
head.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
I dont like The View.
He looks at Lois for three seconds, and then gets down on
one knee.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
Lois. Will you marry me?
LOIS
No.
He stares at her for three seconds, and hits her in the
head.
UNCLE FRANK FROM HOME ALONE
Look what you did, you little jerk!
Mexican Santa Claus hits him in the head.
MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS
(singing)
Jingle bells / Jingle bells, Jingle
all the Mexico.
THE END

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