Written by Rodney Ohebsion Copyright 2014 INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY LOIS OK Peter. Im going. PETER Where? LOIS To Atlantic City. PETER You mean it actually exists? I thought it was just some place that Marvel made up so they could put Batman in it. LOIS No, Peter. Youre thinking of Gotham City. Im going to Atlantic City. PETER Oh. Is that the place with all of those Mexicans? LOIS No. Thats Mexico City. PETER Is Atlantic City that place where the Kansas City Chiefs play? LOIS No. Thats Kansas City. Peter--stop bringing up cities that have names ending with the word "city." PETER Is Atlantic City the place where I pee all over the toilet seat every morning? LOIS No. Thats our bathroom. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY Peter walks in, uses a screwdriver to detach the seat from the toilet, and then takes it into the shower and urinates on it. 2. PETER (calls out to Lois) Honey. Im done peeing all over the toilet seat. LOIS (O.S.) For the last time, Peter! Youre supposed to pee in the toilet. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY PETER Well wheres Atlantic City? LOIS New Jersey. PETER You mean like how Zooey Deschanel shares an apartment with three single men? LOIS Thats not New Jersey. Thats the TV show New Girl. ZOEY DESCHANEL walks in. ZOEY DESCHANEL Hi Lois. LOIS Hi Zoey. She walks into the bathroom and closes the door. ZOEY DESCHANEL (O.S.) Peter! You peed all over the toilet seat! PETER (to Lois) Wheres New Jersey? LOIS Its another state. PETER Honey--dont be silly. You cant go to another state. Its illegal for a woman to cross state lines without her husband. 3. LOIS Thats not a law. PETER Sure it is. Its sharia law. LOIS We dont live in a Muslim country. PETER Barack Hussein Obama. Hussein. LOIS That doesnt mean hes Muslim. Obama walks into their bedroom. OBAMA Oh. Excuse me. I mustve gone into the wrong building. I thought this was a Mosque. By the way, uhhhh, death to America. PETER I told you, honey. Obama walks into their bathroom and closes the door. LOIS Peter. Im going to Atlantic City with the girls. Weve already talked about this. PETER OK, honey. Have fun. And tell Chris to make me breakfast. No bacon, though. Sharia law. LOIS Chris is spending the weekend at his friend Toms house. PETER Tell Meg to make me breakfast. LOIS Meg is spending the weekend at Keishas house. PETER Tell Stewie to make me breakfast. 4. LOIS Stewies starring in the Broadway play Grand Theft Auto. INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT Stewie and the other ACTORS are performing a key scene from Phantom of the Opera, only theres a car in the middle of the stage. A MAN in the audience tells his WIFE: MAN Is it just me, or is Grand Theft Auto a lot like Phantom of the Opera? Stewie takes out an 18th century rifle and tarts shooting the actors. MAN Uh. Nevermind. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY PETER (to Lois) OK. So no you, no Meg, no Stewie. Who does that leave left? Um... Roger? LOIS Brian. PETER Tell Brian to make me breakfast. Brian walks into the room. BRIAN OK, guys. Im off to Marthas Vineyard for the weekend. PETER Wait. All of you are gonna be away for the weekend? LOIS Yes, Peter. 5. PETER So its just gonna be me? LOIS Yeah. PETER At home? LOIS Right. PETER Alone? LOIS Yes. PETER Im gonna be home alone? LOIS Yes, Peter. Youre gonna be home alone. PETER Wow! This is gonna be just like that movie. BRIAN You mean Home Alone? PETER I was gonna say Madeas Family Reunion. But your example is much better. MADEA walks in. MADEA You crazy as hell, Peter! I outta punch you in da face! She walks into the bathroom. LOIS OK, honey. Im leaving. Ill see you on Monday. PETER Bye, honey. 6. BRIAN (to Peter) Bye, honey. PETER Bye, Peter. BUG BUNNY appear in the room. BUGS BUNNY Rabbit season. PETER Peter season. Fire! ELMER FUDD shoots Peter. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Peter is at the top the the staircase. PETER Guys? Lois? Brian? Chris? Meg? Stewie? Peter? ... Uncle Frank? INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY (LATER) Peter is now downstairs, and on the phone. INT. JOES HOME - DAY Joe picks up the phone. JOE Hey, Peter. (Back and forth between Griffin Home and Joes Home) PETER Joe. Youre never gonna believe this. Im home alone! JOE What does that mean? PETER I means... no rules. I can do whatever I want. I can sleep as late as I want. I can eat whatever I want. 7. JOE Peter. You always eat whatever you want. Thats why you weigh 320 pounds. PETER Yeah. But now I can eat whatever I want. JOE All you did was emphasize the word whatever. PETER But now I can eat whatever I want. JOE You just did it again. PETER But now I can eat while Im naked. JOE You were naked last week at your dinner party. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT (Flashback Scene) The doorbell rings. Peter answers it to reveal Joe and Bonnie. PETER Joe. Bonnie, So glad that you could make it. Let me take your coats. He takes their coats, puts them in a closet. PETER And now let me take off my shirt. He takes off his shirt in one swoop. PETER And pants. He takes off his shoes and pants. PETER And underwear. He takes off his underwear, and puts it on a coat rack 8. PETER Im gonna keep my socks on, though. Alright. Come in. He points to a tray of hors doeuvre PETER Would you like some whores de over easy. Thats French for appetizers. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Peter is still on the phone with Joe. PETER Yeah. Youre right, Joe. French is a stupid language. They got their whores de over easy, and they say "chips" instead of French fries. JOE Uh. We werent talking about French. By the way--the British are the ones who call French fries "chips." PETER Yeah. Youre right, Joe. French is a stupid language. JOE So, aside from eating while naked, what else are you gonna do while youre home alone? PETER Um. I dont know. I guess watch TV. JOE Are you gonna watch pornographic content? PETER No. Joe--this is a childrens Christmas movie. Its not gonna make money unless its PG. JOE Oh. Well then maybe you should take out that scene directed by Quentin Tarantino. 9. INT. AIRPLANE - DAY WOMAN FROM HOME ALONE Kevin! UMA THURMAN runs over to her, and uses a samurai sword to slice off her head. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Peter is holding a bacon cheeseburger while watching TV. He opens the burger and takes out the bacon. PETER No bacon. Sharia law (ON TV) INT. APARTMENT ROOM- DAY NARRATOR (V.O.) Coming this summer. Mcacauley Culkin. Robert DeNiro. In Turner and Hooch, Part II. Robert DeNiro is all fours, barking. Macauley Culkin fills a bowl with dog food. MACAULEY CULKIN There you go, Hooch. Robert DeNiro eats some food. ROBERT DENIRO I dont get why Im playing the dog. Im Robert freaking DeNiro. How come youre not playing the dog? Macauley Culkin throws a tennis ball MACAULEY CULKIN Fetch, boy! Fetch! ROBERT DENIRO Hey! Im eating here! MACAULEY CULKIN Good dog. 10. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY PETER That reminds me. I should go shopping. INT. CONVENIVENCE STORE - DAY Peter is holding 50 toothbrushes. He takes them to the cashier and drops them on the counter. CASHIER Hi. PETER Merry Christmas. CASHIER Sir. Its May Fifth. PETER Oh. Excuse me. Feliz Navidad. She begins ringing up his toothbrushes. PETER Dont you just love it when Christmas falls on the same day as Cinco de May-o? A MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS wearing a sombrero walks in through the door. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS Ho ho, ho, amigos. He drinks from a bottle of Corona eggnog. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS Viva la Mexico. Peter walks up to him. PETER OK. Let me see your green card, Santa. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS What are you talking about, homes? I was born in East LA. 11. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Peter is sitting around, brushing his teeth. PETER Hi Lois. LOIS Hey Peter. Are you having fun there all by yourself? PETER Im not all by myself. If you must know, Ive taken a second wife. INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY MINISTER Do you, Peter, take this woman, Barbra Walters, to be your lawfully wedded wife? PETER I do. INT. THE VIEW SET - DAY SHERRI SHEPHERD We got a big surprise for you. Shes back. And she just got married. She is the creator of the this show, and shes here with with her obnoxious new husband Peter. Give it up for our friend and mentor, Barbara Walters-Griffin! BARBARA WALTERS walks onto the set with Peter. Cut to 20 seconds later. Peter and Barbara are seated in the middle of the View table. SHERRI SHEPHERD First of all. Before we get started, let me just say Feliz Navidad to the two of you. BARBARA & PETER Feliz Navidad. 12. SHERRI SHEPHERD OK. Now Barbara. I gotta ask you this. How come you didnt invite me to the wedding? BARBARA WALTERS Because I hate you. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY LOIS Youve taken a second wife? Barbara Walters flosses her teeth as she walks up to Peter. BARBARA WALTERS Peter. PETER (on phone) Hold on, honey. My other honey wants to talk to me. (to Barbara Walters) What is it, honey? BARBARA WALTERS I want a divorce. PETER OK, honey. Just make me some fried chicken, and then get out of my house. She walks out of the front door. PETER (on phone) OK, honey. Im single again. Except for my marriage to you. So hows your trip been going? Are you getting along with Batman and all the Mexicans? LOIS Peter. For the last time. Im not in Gotham City or Mexico City. Lois is standing near a roulette table, where BATMAN, ROBIN, and a bunch of MEXICANS are standing. 13. MEXICAN MAN Check it out, Batman. Im gonna roll a seven. PETER That sounded like a Mexican guy talking to Batman. LOIS It was. So have you been brushing your teeth, Peter? PETER Yes. LOIS Have you been flossing? PETER No. LOIS Good. Flossing is pointless. PETER You know, the darndest thing happened today. Joe Pesci didnt break into my house and try to steal everything. LOIS Thats because Joe Pesci is an actor. PETER But Im home alone, and I put together my attack plan. Peter is holding a piece of paper that says in crayon: "1. Kill Joe Pesci. 2. Eat baloney sandwich. 3. Kill Joe Pesci. 4. Eat turkey sandwich." LOIS Peter. Just because youre home alone, that doesnt mean Joe Pescis gonna break into your home. PETER How about Robert DeNiro? LOIS Actors dont break into homes. Criminals do. 14. PETER Right. EXT. TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Thug (black) Thug 2 (white) are standing around on a street corner. Peter walks up to them. PETER Hows it going? THUG I got the stuff. You got the money? PETER What? No--Im not here to buy drugs. THUG Well then, how many tricks did you turn today, bitch? PETER Uh. no. Im not one of your prostitutes. THUG 2 Well did you kill Collin, like I told you to? PETER No. You must have me confused with another guy. THUG Well then who are you? PETER Peter. THUG And what is it that you want, Peter? PETER Well. Nothing in particular. Im just making small talk. So, uh, how about those Patriots? THUG I dont know about you, but Im concerned that Johnsons surgically (MORE) 15. THUG (contd) repaired knee isnt gonna hold up this season. PETER You know, Im gonna be home alone for the next two days. THUG Home alone? PETER Yeah. Home alone. Not Madeas Family Reunion. And in case youre curious, heres my address. He hands the Thug a slip of paper. THUG I thought we were talking about the Patriots. PETER Yeah. I got a lot of nice stuff in my house. Gold, diamonds, Fruit Loops, Cheerios. Also, Im gonna leave the front door unlocked from 8 to 8:30 pm tonight. And Im gonna be naked, in case youre interested in that. So in summary, thats "door unlocked, 8 to 8:30, gold, diamonds, cereal, me, naked." OK. I gotta go. So long, fellas. He walks away. THUG 2 (to Thug 1) You really think Johnsons knee is still injusred? INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT A clock ticks over to 8:00. Peter is staring at the front door, and holding a can of paint. Quagmire walks in with an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN 16. PETER Quagmire!? What the hell are you doing here? QUAGMIRE Well. Word on the street is that your doors gonna be unlocked from 8 to 8:30. So I figured Id come in here and have sex. PETER For some reason, that makes perfect sense to me. But you gotta go. Im supposed to be home alone for the two thugs I chatted with earlier. QUAGMIRE For some reason, that makes perfect sense to me. He spots a 12 pack of Corona eggnog on the table. QUAGMIRE Hey. Mexican eggnog. He grabs the eggnog, and he and the Woman leave. Seconds later, the two Thugs walk in. Peter throws a paint can at them, but he misses and it goes right through the window. PETER Uh. How you fellas doing? Would you like some whores de over easy? He points to a tray of hors dourves on the table. THUG No thanks. We ate before we got here. Now wheres all the gold and diamonds? THUG 2 And how come youre not naked? PETER (to Thug 2) Are you Marv or Harry? THUG Wheres all of your jewelry? 17. PETER Its, uh, somewhere. But before we go get it, how about you guys follow me into the garage? THUG 2 Why? PETER I have another paint can there, and I want to throw it at your head. THUG 2 Where the hells your jewelry? PETER (sings Christmas music from Home Alone) THUG Stop singing! THUG 2 (to Thug 2) I like that song. THUG Great. Ill buy you the CD later. But right now, were robbing this house. THUG 2 Buy me the CD? I havent played a CD in five years. THUG Whatever. Ill download the song on iTunes. THUG 2 iTunes? I dont use iTunes. I steal my music. THUG Well maybe you should stop being such a cheap ass, and start paying for stuff. THUG 2 Youre right. Im not gonna steal anymore. He points a gun at Peter. 18. THUG 2 Now give me your wallet! PETER Uh. My wallet is in the garage. Next to the paint can. Let me go get it. THUG 2 Ill get it. He walks away. He comes back a few seconds later. THUG 2 I couldnt find it. PETER Well did you see the paint can? THUG 2 Yeah. But there was no wallet next to it. PETER Its there. What you need to do is pick up the paint can, and slam it into your head--and the wallet is right there. He begins walking away. He stops and walks back. THUG 2 Wait a second. Why would your wallet be next to your paint can? Most people dont store wallets next to paint cans in garages. THUG Thats a stupid question. The man put his wallet next to his paint, because hes planning to paint his wallet. OK? Now go the garage and hit yourself in the head with the paint can. PETER What are you talking about? Why the hell would I paint my wallet? THUG Good point. (to Thug 2) Why the hell would this fat boy paint his wallet? 19. PETER Hey. I didnt say "fat boy." THUG Well I added it. (to Thug 2) Why would this fat boy paint his wallet? THUG 2 I dont know. It was your theory. THUG (to Peter) Wheres your wallet, and where are your diamonds?! PETER You know, I like how youre an interracial crime duo. Thats good. Have you ever thought about adding like an Asian guy or something? THUG 2 Yeah. We actually tried to find one on Craigslist. EXT. TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY (Flashback scene) A TIBETAN MAN walks up to the Thugs. TIBETAN MAN Are you Harry and Marv? THUG Yeah. TIBETAN MAN Im the Asian criminal. THUG 2 The one who emailed us on Craigslist? TIBETAN MAN No. The one who emailed you on JDate. Of course Im the guy from Craigslist! 20. THUG Whats JDate? THUG 2 A Jewish dating website. THUG Oh. (to Tibetan Man) ... So you want to be down with us? TIBETAN MAN Hell yeah. THUG 2 Wait a second. Are you Tibetan? TIBETAN MAN Yeah. THUG Tibetan? TIBETAN MAN Yes. Tibetan. THUG 2 We dont want a Tibetan guy in our crew. TIBETAN MAN But the ad said "Asian." THUG Yeah. We meant Chinese, or Japanese, or something like that. TIBETAN MAN I am something like that. Im Tibetan like that. THUG 2 Thats not like Chinese or Japanese. Thats something else. Our diversity program isnt accepting Tibetan applicants. TIBETAN MAN Isnt it ironic that your diversity program discriminates against minority groups? 21. THUG Isnt it ironic that Im about to put my foot up your Tibetan ass? TIBETAN MAN Thats not ironic. THUG Sure it is. Because this shoe was made in Tibet. TIBETAN MAN Really? THUG No. TIBETAN MAN Then its not ironic. THUG 2 (to Thug 1) Well maybe the irony lies in the fact that your wife is Tibetan. THUG Yeah. My wife is Tibetan. Isnt that ironic? TIBETAN MAN Sort of. THUG 2 She also sells shoes. THUG Right. She sells shoes. TIBETAN MAN That makes it a little more ironic. THUG 2 Also, you said you were gonna put your foot up his Tibetan ass--and just the other day, a Tibetan donkey put his foot up your ass. THUG Yeah. Thats ironic, too. Were up to three levels or irony. 22. TIBETAN MAN Fine. Its ironic. THUG (to Thug 2) Wait a second. That donkey was from Nepal--not Tibet. THUG 2 Oh yeah. Thats right. Nepal. TIBETAN MAN Then its not ironic. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT Peter is tied to a chair. The Thugs are putting his stuff in two big bags. Mexican Santa Claus comes down the chimney holding a shovel. He runs up to the Thugs--and in one swing, he knocks out both of them. He walks up to Peter and unties him. PETER Thanks, Mexican Santa Claus. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS De nada. PETER What the hell does that mean? MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS Its Spanish for "Youre welcome." PETER Spanish? This is America, jack. Around here, we speak American! No "de nada," no "whores de over easy," and no "chips" when youre talking about fries. ... But once again, thanks for saving me, Mexican Santa Claus. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS De nada. Peter points to the tray of hors doeuvres. PETER Would you like some whores de over easy? 23. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS Sure. He eats one. PETER Id offer you some Mexican eggnog, but Quagmire took my 12 pack. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS That sounds like Quagmire. Peter grabs a guitar, and begins playing "Feliz Navidad" while singing. PETER Feliz Navidad / Feliz Navidad / Feliz Navidad / Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish. Mexican Santa Claus grabs the guitar from Peter. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS That song was written by a Puerto Rican man. Its very offensive to sing it on Mexican Christmas, in front of Mexican Santa Claus. PETER Oh. OK. What should I sing? MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS How about Mexican Jingle Bells? PETER Um. I dont know that one. How about I sing Puerto Rican Jingle Bells instead? INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Peter is seated on the sofa, watching TV. (ON TV) INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY Barack Obama, Madea, and Zoey Deschanel are all smoking. NARRATOR (V.O.) Premiering this Wednesday on Fox. Madea. Obama. And Zoey Deschanel. In the first ever sitcom set in a (MORE) 24. NARRATOR (V.O.) (contd) bathroom. Tune it at 8clock to: The New Girl at Madeas Family Reunion--and Obamas There, Too. MADEA You crazy as hell, Zoey! I outta punch you in da face! INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY PETER I guess I wasnt home alone. I shouldve realized that yesterday when I was taking a piss. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY (Flashback scene) Obamas sitting on the toilet with his clothes on, and Madea and Zoey are standing around. Peter walks in, oblivious to the three of them. He pushes Obama off of the toilet, without noting that hes a person. He uses a screwdriver to take off the toilet, and then he takes it into the shower and urinates on it. INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Lois walks in. LOIS Honey--Im back. Barbara Walters walks in. BARBARA WALTERS (to Peter) Honey--I want you back. LOIS Peter--what is Barbara Walters doing here? PETER Oh. Shes my ex-wife. I married and divorced her while you were away. 25. LOIS You cant marry a woman when youre already married. PETER Yes you can, Lois. Sharia law. OBAMA Thats true. Death to America. LOIS Well tell her to leave. BARBARA WALTERS Im not going anywhere. Hes my man. LOIS Hes my husband. (ON TV) INT GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Peter, Lois, and Barbara Walters are in the same positions as before. NARRATOR (V.O.) Premiering this Wednesday on Fox. Peter. Lois. And Barbara Walters. In: The New Girl Who Lives with Peter and Lois, and Who Was Married to Peter For a Day--and Madeas There, Too. Madea walks into the room. MADEA You crazy as hell, Barbara Walters! I outta punch you in da face! NARRATOR (V.O.) And it also stars Mexican Santa Claus. Mexican Santa Claus comes down the chimney holding a shovel, and he runs up to Madea and hits her in the head. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS I dont like how youre a racial stereotype. Peter grabs a guitar. 26. PETER (singing) Feliz Navidad. Mexican Santa Claus hits him with a shovel. He then stares at Barbara Walter for three seconds, and hits her in the head. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS I dont like The View. He looks at Lois for three seconds, and then gets down on one knee. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS Lois. Will you marry me? LOIS No. He stares at her for three seconds, and hits her in the head. UNCLE FRANK FROM HOME ALONE Look what you did, you little jerk! Mexican Santa Claus hits him in the head. MEXICAN SANTA CLAUS (singing) Jingle bells / Jingle bells, Jingle all the Mexico. THE END