WORKAHOLICS - JUICE BROS (SPEC) BY ELI BRADEN

COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. GUYS HOUSE - EVENING (DAY ONE - FRIDAY)
ADAM and BLAKE are completely baked on the couch watching TV,
oblivious to the ringing doorbell. DERS enters from his room
to answer the door, struggling to fasten the top button on a
pair of ridiculously-tight skinny jeans.
DERS
Were you ever gonna answer that?
ADAM
Shh! Gordon Ramsays about to yell
at a guy for no reason.
Ders gives up on his jeans and answers the door. Its CHAD, a
Mexican delivery guy from a restaurant called Carbs. Chad
wears a Carbs T-shirt and Carbs cap, and holds a large
order in a Carbs bag.
CHAD
(in Mexican accent)
Mister Ders!
DERS
Hey, Chad.
(to Adam and Blake)
You guys order Carbs?
Adam and Blake rouse slightly but dont move.
ADAM
Oh, hey Chad. Yeah.
BLAKE
Hey, uh-huh.
CHAD
$45.60, sir.
DERS
(shocked)
$45.60? What did you get?
ADAM
Duh, carbs! We got a za, we got
some sta. Sta is my cool new
nickname for pasta, by the way.
BLAKE
Fries.
ADAM
(nodding)
Fries, a/k/a fra. And some bread
to appe-tease the appe-teat.
BLAKE
Mmmmm, bread!
DERS
(reaching into pocket for
money)
Nice! Ill get in on some of that.
BLAKE
Speaking of, uh, could you spot me,
Ders?
ADAM
Yeah, me too? Im a little short
this week.
DERS
A little short? We just got paid
today! Plus, you both still owe me
last months rent!
BLAKE
Thanks, Daddy Warbucks!
ADAM
Yeah, thanks!
(loud-whispering to Blake)
More like Daddy War-sucks.
Adam and Blake snicker and air high five across the room.
Ders fishes the money from his pocket and hands it to Chad.
Chad hands Ders the bag.
ADAM (CONTD)
(saccharine sweet)
By the way Chad, could you be a
dear and bring the Cholula from the
fridge? Theres an extra dollar tip
in it for ya!
CHAD
S!
Chad sets off for the kitchen. Ders sets food bag on coffee
table then sinks into the couch himself.
2.
ADAM
I wouldve asked Ders to get the
Chah-loo, but its obviously...
(sung)
...such a hard cock life... for
him. Such a hard cock life... for
him.
DERS
I float you on rent and this bag of
delicious starches and you do me
like that?
Ders leans back and begins struggling to fasten his jeans
again.
DERS (CONTD)
Plus Im pissed at whichever of you
put my skinny jeans in the dryer.
Theyre hang dry only.
BLAKE
I havent done laundry in weeks.
Adam has managed to reach into food bag and pull out a large
order of fries without moving the rest of his body one bit.
ADAM
(shoving fries in mouth)
Me neither. Besides, skinny jeans
are so two-thousand-and-late.
BLAKE
Its all about high-waisted denim
this season.
ADAM
Im all about getting high and
wasted in denim this season.
Ders continues struggling to fasten jeans while Blake lazily
reaches into the food bag.
DERS
I dont care if theyre in style.
They perfectly compliment the
contours of my body.
ADAM
(mouth full of fries)
Perfectly complimen-TED... Face it,
Ders - youve put on a few.
3.
DERS
What?!?
ADAM
Blake?
Blake, still prone on the couch, is chewing a bite from a
large loaf of bread.
BLAKE
(mouth full)
You kinda got a Val Kilmer circa
07 thing going on in this region.
Blake makes a circle around his belly with his hand.
ADAM
Beached whale era. Not so much Val
Kilmer in Tombstone as Val Kilmer
in a Tombstone Pizza factory. After
hours. No guard.
Chad enters from kitchen and brings Cholula to Adam.
CHAD
One bottle of Cholula, Mister Adam!
ADAM
Thanks, Rad Chad.
(to Ders)
Fatman Forever, dollar him.
As Ders hands Chad another dollar, Adam struggles to sit up
enough to take Cholula from Chads outstretched hand. It
requires a gargantuan effort on his part. At last he reaches
it, takes bottle, and lets his torso fall back into couch.
Couch immediately crashes to the floor, its legs having
collapsed from under it all at once. The trio sits
dumbfounded.
CHAD
(in Spanish)
Usted babosos estn engordando!
SUPERIMPOSED: YOU LEARNING-DISABLED MEN ARE GETTING FAT!
END OF COLD OPEN
4.
ACT ONE
EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING (DAY TWO - SATURDAY)
Adam, Blake and Ders are jogging side-by-side down a quiet
suburban street. They wear workout clothes.
BLAKE
I dont think Ive ever been up
this early...
Blake notices a paperboy riding by on his bike in the other
direction, throwing newspapers into driveways and yards.
BLAKE (CONTD)
...I always wondered how those got
there.
DERS
Guys, we have to face it: we have
grown man metabolisms now. If were
gonna take off this weight, we
gotta be disciplined.
ADAM
(berating himself)
I just cant believe how I let
myself go. I used to be an Adonis!
An A-dam-is!
Adam flexes his arms and inspects them.
ADAM (CONTD)
My pump game is obvs intact, but
Im flabby from months of cardio
neglect.
Blake, winded, slows to a walk. Adam and Ders slow down as
well, to stay with him.
BLAKE
(catching his breath)
Guys - Sorry, Im just not built
for this. Im a man of leisure.
DERS
Well... the truth is, exercise
alone isnt enough anyway. If we
really wanna lose weight, we gotta
take extreme measures.
5.
ADAM
(nodding in agreement)
Barfing.
DERS
I was thinking juice fast.
ADAM
Jews-fast. Mmm, yeah, I could go
for that. Bagel, schmear, lox...
DERS
No -- Juice. Fast. Jews-fast isnt
even a word.
ADAM
Its short for Jews breakfast!
BLAKE
Whats a juice fast?
DERS
You dont eat or drink anything but
fresh fruit and vegetable juice. It
cleans out the system, builds
immunity, and - most important -
the pounds melt right off.
ADAM
(nodding enthusiastically)
Love it. I wanna get all AIDS-y
lookin like McConaughey.
(rapped a la 50 Cent In
Da Club)
Dallas Buyers Club, bottle fulla
bub!
DERS
Only da bub is healthy, life-giving
juice!
ADAM
Hell yeah! I cant wait to get all
skinny and shit!
INT. GUYS HOUSE - AFTERNOON (DAY TWO - SATURDAY)
Adam, Blake and Ders are in their kitchen, gathered around an
industrial-strength blender, a large home juicer, and massive
quantities of fruits and vegetables. Theyre cutting up
carrots, beets, apples, celery, etc. - preparing to make
their first batch of juice.
6.
ADAM
Brothers, were about to embark
upon a holistic spiritual
journey... that ends with me having
those ab lines that point to your
dick like Brad Pitt. Chicks love
those.
BLAKE
I just cant believe how expensive
organic produce is. Whole Foods?
More like Paycheck Foods, am I
right?
DERS
What do you care, Blake? I paid for
everything. You guys both owe me so
much money!
ADAM
So what say we make this juice fast
a little more... fasteresting? ...
Thats fast plus interesting.
BLAKE
What do you mean?
ADAM
Whoever loses the most weight gets
the other two guys next paychecks.
DERS
You both already owe me at least
that much!
ADAM
So if you win, youre guaranteed to
get your money. Well sign our
checks right over to you.
Ders mulls it over briefly.
DERS
OK, I like my odds. Im in.
Adam and Ders shake hands.
BLAKE
Whoa whoa whoa! Two weeks? I cant
go two weeks without eating!
7.
ADAM
(faux-consoling)
Eh, too bad. Sorry, Blake - youre
outnumbered.
DERS
Hes right. Two is more than one.
Its indisputable.
ADAM
Besides, Ive read prolonged
fasting can lead to altered states
of consciousness.
DERS
Dude! You love altered states of
consciousness!
BLAKE
Thats true, I really do.
(begrudging)
Ugh... OK, fine!
Blake unenthusiastically shakes hands with Adam and Ders.
Ders then begins dropping handfuls of diced fruits and
vegetables into the blender; Adam soon joins him.
DERS
So its decided? The fast lasts two
weeks, til next payday? And whoever
loses the most weight between now
and then gets all three paychecks?
ADAM
Ay!
BLAKE
(reluctantly)
Ay.
The blender is now full of chopped-up fruits and vegetables.
Adam sets the lid on top.
ADAM
The ays have it then. I wish you
both luck, gentlemen. But now...
let the juicing commence!
Adam hits a button on the blender and it roars to life. The
lid immediately flies off and shreds of diced fruits and
vegetables fly everywhere, covering the boys and making a
huge mess. Adam presses a button to stop the machine.
8.
ADAM (CONTD)
Dammit, Blake! You forgot to remind
me to tighten the lid... Idiot!
INT. GUYS HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON (DAY TWO - SATURDAY)
The boys are preparing for a WEIGH-IN to kick off their juice
fast weight-loss competition.
Adam, Blake and Ders are in their living room, dressed in
nothing but Speedos, stretching. KARL is present to act as
moderator.
Theres a doctors office-style scale in the room. A chart
hangs on wall with ADAM / BLAKE / DERS in large letters.
Beneath the names are two blank rows labeled STARTING
WEIGHT and FINAL WEIGHT.
KARL
OK, whos weighin in first?
We see Adam is CHUGGING water from a gallon-sized jug.
ADAM
(pulling jug away briefly)
Ill go last. Shotgun! Or whatever
firearm you yell to go last.
Adam continues chugging water.
BLAKE
What are you doing?
ADAM
(pulling jug away briefly)
Uh, hello! Hydrating! Its healthy!
KARL
Youre drinkin kinda fast.
ADAM
(pulling jug away briefly)
Were on a fast. Im drinking fast.
You do the math.
DERS
Wait a minute!
Ders yanks jug away from Adams mouth. Water spills.
DERS (CONTD)
Youre chugging water to get
heavier for the weigh-in!
9.
(MORE)
Youre trying to gain a competitive
advantage!
BLAKE
No fair! Youre not allowed to gain
a competitive advantage!
ADAM
Oh, Im not allowed to gain a
competitive advantage just cos you
guys didnt think of it? Fuck that!
Adam continues chugging water. Blake and Ders physically try
to stop him. A struggle ensues.
KARL
Guys, stop... Seriously. Adam,
listen... Stop! Adam! ADAM!!
The struggle ends with Adam, Blake and Ders on the floor, on
top of each other, all three almost naked, soaking wet from
spilled water. They look up at Karl in silence for a beat...
ADAM
What?
Karl stares, in his own world. He suddenly snaps out of it.
KARL
Oh, this just reminds of a gay porn
I saw once...
ADAM
Thats what you were trying to tell
me?
KARL
Uh... No, I was gonna say stop
drinking so much water. Its
dangerous. Water intoxication is a
real thing!
BLAKE
You can get drunk on water? Sweet!
KARL
No, no - its bad! It causes
seizures and shit. My uncle got it
once.
ADAM
Jesus Christ, Karl! You and your
bullshit uncle stories. I swear...
10.
DERS (CONTD)
Adams eyelashes suddenly start fluttering uncontrollably.
ADAM (CONTD)
Uh, whats up with my eyelashes??
DERS
Oh my God!
BLAKE
Wow! Weird!
KARL
Uh-oh. Uncontrollable eyelash-
fluttering is the first sign of
water intoxication. It got ya.
Adam, lashes a-fluttering, starts freaking out.
ADAM
(very upset)
AAUUGGHH! What do I do??
KARL
I think salt is supposed to help?
Adam runs to kitchen and comes back with a salt shaker.
ADAM
(frantic)
What?? Just eat salt??
KARL
I guess?
Adam unscrews top from salt shaker, empties entire contents
into his mouth, and swallows.
BLAKE
Maybe youre supposed to put the
salt in your eyes?
ADAM
DAMMIT!
Adam tries to scrape whatever salt is left in his mouth off
his tongue. He then rubs his fingers together, sprinkling it
into his eyes.
ADAM (CONTD)
Now what??
KARL
Well... Unless you start having
seizures, I think youll be OK.
11.
ADAM
(pointing to eyes)
When will this stop??
KARL
I dont know...
All stand in silence for a beat, watching Adams lashes flap.
KARL (CONTD)
...but I guess we should probably
just get on with the weigh-in?
DERS
I say we wait til Fluttershy pisses
out his water weight.
Adam, eyelashes still fluttering, hops on scale.
ADAM
Oh no! Alls fair in love and war
and juice. Weigh me now! Hurry up!
Karl weighs Adam.
KARL
Adam comes in at... 178 pounds, 5
ounces!
Karl writes Adams weight on the chart as Adam steps down.
ADAM
Shoulda chubbed up a stiffy.
Probably coulda hit 180.
DERS
Im about to do a 180 on this
agreement, cheater!
ADAM
(mocking)
Im about to do a 180 on blah blah!
Blake steps onto the scale.
KARL
Blake. 170 pounds, 3 ounces.
Karl writes Blakes weight on the chart as Blake steps down.
BLAKE
I actually think thats a perfectly
acceptable weight for my height. I
dont know why I have to-
12.
DERS
(interrupting)
Shut up, Blake.
ADAM
(interrupting)
Shut up, Blake.
Ders steps onto the scale.
KARL
And Ders... 191 pounds, 9 ounces.
Karl writes Ders weight on the chart as Ders steps down.
ADAM
Ouch. How the mighty have fattened.
Ders punches Adam in the arm. He plays up how much it hurts.
KARL
OK, the competition has begun!
So... what do we do now?
ADAM
Guys, were getting healthy! This
is a cause for celebration!
Adam produces a bottle of vodka from a nearby cabinet.
ADAM (CONTD)
Red Russian Rabbit, anyone? Its a
new cocktail I invented two seconds
ago. Beet/carrot juice and vodka.
Healthy!
DERS
Technically, were not supposed to
have alcohol on a juice fast...
Adam and Blake look severely disappointed. Adams eyelash
fluttering is slowly subsiding.
DERS (CONTD)
...but, seeing as theres a reason
to celebrate...
Adam, Blake and Karl explode in cheers.
We next see a MONTAGE (with uptempo party music) of the guys
preparing the drinks, guzzling them down, preparing more,
guzzling them down, getting wasted, playing beer pong with
Red Russian Rabbits, mixing up crazy things in the blender,
drunken hijinks in the pool, getting naked and running around
with carrots in their butt-holes, etc. The montage ends
abruptly and we hard cut to...
13.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - MORNING (DAY THREE - SUNDAY)
Adam, Blake, Ders and Karl are sleeping, strewn about around
the living room, on the floor and over furniture in various
states of I obviously just passed out here at some point.
Karl still wears his clothes from the night before; the
others are still in nothing but Speedos.
The house is a DISASTER. There are fast food wrappers/bags
and open pizza boxes all over the place. Adam opens one eye.
ADAM
What am I?
BLAKE
(eyes still closed)
I think you mean Where am I?
Adam wakes up in a panic and quickly rises to his feet.
ADAM
No. What am I?!?
Blake, Ders and Karl begin to awaken. Ders looks around the
room, surveying the post-apocalyptic food delivery wasteland.
DERS
What have we done?!?
KARL
You dont remember? You guys
ordered hella take-out last night!
Adam grabs Karl by the shoulders and shakes him.
ADAM
HOW COULD YOU LET US DO THAT?!?
Karl walks over to the blender, sitting on a table. Its
filled with a red, gooey substance. He points to it.
KARL
You said it was OK... Because you
juiced everything.
Karl sniffs the blenders contents.
KARL (CONTD)
Pizza juice. With a hint of...
(sniffs again)
...cheese fries.
14.
ADAM
OK, guys. We screwed up. Thats on
me. No more Red Russian Rabbits -
they appear to have some sort of
effect on our judgement. From here
on out, no booze. Only juice.
Adam puts his arms around Blake and Ders and pulls them close
for a group hug/huddle.
ADAM (CONTD)
(intimately)
This isnt about winning stupid
paychecks. This is about
brotherhood. We gotta get healthy.
And we can only do it together. I
dont wanna see you guys die of
fatness. Do you wanna see me die?
BLAKE
No.
DERS
No...
DERS
Well, sometimes... But, no.
ADAM
OK! Then lets do this! Juice bros!
Adam, Blake and Ders put their hands together in the center
of their huddle and do a basketball timeout-style pump.
ADAM, BLAKE AND DERS
JUICE BROS!
ADAM
All right!
We see Karl is holding the blender and has been drinking from
it. Theres pizza juice around his mouth.
KARL
You know, pizza juice is actually
pretty fucking good!
END OF ACT ONE
15.
ACT TWO
INT. OFFICE - LATE MORNING (DAY FOUR - MONDAY)
The workday is already in full swing as Adam, Blake and Ders
burst through the front door in full-on look at us mode.
Adam carries the blender, Blake carries the juicer, Ders
carries several plastic bags full of fruits and vegetables.
JILLIAN watches them enter.
ADAM
Look out, people! Juice bros coming
through!
DERS
Fueled by nothing but natures
nectar! Woo! Ive never felt so
good!
BLAKE
(bowing to co-workers)
Namaste, gang.
Adam strides up to Jillian.
ADAM
How longs it been since solid food
has passed your lips, Jillian? Cos
for me its been...
(checks watch)
...like thirty hours. Thats right,
Im juice fasting. Its totally
spiritual, and: its given me
heightened awareness.
Adam leans in close to Jillian.
ADAM (CONTD)
(whispering)
Im aware of things right now you
cant even comprehend, little girl.
Adam jumps back spastically.
ADAM (CONTD)
Too much friggin awareness! My
heads gonna explode!
JILLIAN
You guys are super late.
16.
DERS
(guru-like)
Odd; as the doors of perception
open, concepts like time recede
from my palette of understanding.
BLAKE
Amen.
JILLIAN
Well you better recede from your
palette of right here standing and
get your butts into Alices office.
She wants to see you pronto.
INT. ALICES OFFICE - LATE MORNING (DAY FOUR - MONDAY)
ALICE sits at desk working. Adam, Blake and Ders burst in.
Theyre no longer carrying the blender, juicer and bags.
ALICE
Do you know how late you are?
BLAKE
We have a good reason!
ALICE
Ill be the judge of that.
Adam walks around Alices desk and comes inappropriately
close to her.
ADAM
Alice, were juicing. Were
juicing... and its flippin
amazing.
ALICE
(waving hand near nose)
Get away from me! Your breath
stinks!
Adam steps back.
DERS
Bad breath: a common side-effect of
juice fasting. But it feels
incredible! I have so much energy!
Ders runs in place briefly.
ALICE
So why are you late?
17.
BLAKE
We have to spell it out? Washing
the fruit. Washing the veg. Cutting
the fruit. Cutting the veg.
DERS
And clean up!
ADAM
Takin apart and washing a juicer?
Are you kidding? Goodbye, an hour!
ALICE
Look, I dont care what you do in
your off-time, but during work
hours, youre mine. And I expect
you to be here!
DERS
So its like that, huh? You want us
to be unhealthy and die of fatness.
ALICE
No, I think its great youre juice
fasting. I do it myself from time
to time... Plus, Ive noticed the
three of you have put on weight...
Especially you, Ders.
Ders looks hurt.
ALICE (CONTD)
But I need you here at 9 am. No
exceptions.
ADAM
I didnt know you were one of us,
Alice.
ALICE
One of you?
ADAM
A fellow juice faster. My respect
for you just went up tenfold.
BLAKE
A hundred-fold.
DERS
Oakenfold.
18.
ADAM
(nodding)
Oakenfold. Thats classic, old
school EDM. Mad respect!
ALICE
Whatever. Just get to work.
Adam, Blake and Ders begin moving to exit.
ALICE (CONTD)
And guys?
Adam, Blake and Ders turn to face her.
ALICE (CONTD)
I know you feel great and full of
energy now, but believe me: juice
fasting is not easy. Youre gonna
crash at some point. Hard.
DERS
(condescending)
Thanks for the advice, but I
havent eaten in almost 31 hours. I
think I get what its all about.
ALICE
(smiling knowingly)
Well see!
Adam, Blake and Ders walk out. Adam spins to face Alice one
last time and points to her.
ADAM
Juice bros big sister!
They exit.
INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON (DAY FOUR - MONDAY)
Blake and Ders sit at their desks. They appear tired and
listless. Blake is on the phone with a client.
BLAKE
(into phone)
...Yes. Well, Im calling today
about the... Say, are you eating?
Sounds like youre eating... Can I
ask what youre eating? ... Grilled
cheese? Ah, that sounds good. What
else? ... Chips?
19.
DERS
(listening in)
Oh, chips? Chips are delicious!
BLAKE
(into phone)
You know whats yummy? Sour Cream
and Onion Lays on grilled cheese!
You open up the bread and just put
em right in there.
DERS
(nodding)
Yes! Yes! Preach!
BLAKE
Add a slice of Vlassic, then you...
Hello? ... Sir?
Blake hangs up phone.
BLAKE (CONTD)
He hung up.
DERS
Wouldnt you if you were eating a
grilled cheese?
BLAKE
Dude, Alice was right. Im so
hungry. I dont know if I can do
this.
DERS
I know. Look, the second day is
supposed to be hardest. We just
gotta get over the hump.
Adam walks up and takes his seat.
BLAKE
Where have you been?
ADAM
Dropping a juice deuce. Hardly
anything came out.
(whispering)
I didnt even have to wipe!
DERS
What took so long?
20.
ADAM
I tried to rub one out while I was
in there, but Im too weak to even
crack a fatty. It was like throwing
a soft dog down a hand-way. Guys,
Im friggin starved!
DERS
I was just telling Blake: if we can
just make it through til tomorrow,
day three gets a lot easier.
ADAM
Yeah, but what good is lookin all
Ally McBeal if I cant yield the
steel that makes em squeal?
(gesturing to his crotch)
I cant deal with wobble beef. This
rod needs to be fed!
BLAKE
(smiling and nodding)
Wobble beef? I never heard that!
ADAM
(brightening suddenly)
You like that? I just made that up!
Off the dome!
INT. GUYS HOUSE - EVENING (DAY FOUR - MONDAY)
Karl sits on the couch watching TV, eating a pizza and
drinking a 40. Adam, Blake and Ders enter.
KARL
Dudes! Hows the juice fast?
Adam walks towards the pizza, sitting on the coffee table.
ADAM
It sucks ass-hair. But unlike you,
were gonna live to see our 40s.
Karl holds up a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor.
KARL
I see my 40 right here.
Karl takes a drink. Adam picks up a slice of pizza.
DERS
Hey! Hey! What are you doing?!?
21.
Adam holds the pizza close to his nose, closes his eyes, and
inhales deeply.
ADAM
Just give me this moment.
(inhales deeply again)
This is better than cocaine.
KARL
It aint easy, huh?
DERS
Imagine going days without food.
KARL
It wouldnt be that hard... Id
just get some meth.
BLAKE
Meth?
KARL
Yeah... I mean, Im not into that
kinda thing, but if I had to go a
long time without eating? It would
make it a lot easier!
ADAM
(still sniffing pizza)
I swore Id never do meth... Then
Breaking Bad came along and made
it look sexy and glamorous, and now
Im tempted. Thanks, Giancarlo
Esposito a/k/a Gus!
BLAKE
How would you even... get it?
KARL
Id talk to the guy I buy weed
from. Im sure he could hook
something up. But...
Karl shakes his head as if to say, Obviously Id never do
that.
Meanwhile, Ders has walked over to Adam and put his face
close to the pizza slice hes inhaling. Ders takes a sniff
himself. Adam pulls the pizza away.
ADAM
Hey! This is mine! Get your own!
Ders gestures to the pizza and looks at Karl.
22.
DERS
Do you mind?
KARL
Knock yourself out!
DERS
Thanks.
Ders picks up a slice and begins inhaling it deeply as well.
We see a wide shot of Adam and Ders, side by side, smelling
slices of pizza.
ADAM
Blake, you gotta get in on this,
bro.
BLAKE
Karl?
KARL
Be my guest...
Blake picks up a slice and begins sniffing.
KARL (CONTD)
...just dont spoil your appetite.
Were smelling a big dinner
tonight.
END OF ACT TWO
23.
ACT THREE
INT. GUYS HOUSE - MORNING (DAY FIVE - TUESDAY)
Adam, dressed for work, is up and at em early in the
kitchen. He appears rejuvenated by sleep and invigorated for
the day. He whistles a tune as he blends a juice smoothie.
Ders enters, also dressed for work. The blender powers down.
ADAM
Good morning, juice brother! Can I
interest you in a glass of
banangolencumber delight? Its
banana, mango, melon and cucumber.
DERS
Wheres Blake?
ADAM
I know, right? The little
sleepyhead needs to wakey wakey! No
eggs and bakey though - just juice.
DERS
Hes not in his bed.
They both look concerned.
INT. OFFICE - MORNING (DAY FIVE - TUESDAY)
Adam and Ders burst into the office. They hear loud techno
music and a vacuum cleaner. No one is there but Blake. Hes
dancing manically while vacuuming the floor.
DERS
Blake!
ADAM
Oh, thank God!
BLAKE
HEY GUYS!!
ADAM
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?
BLAKE
WHAT?!?
DERS
WHAT ARE YOU- TURN THE VACUUM OFF!!
BLAKE
WHAT?!?
24.
DERS
TURN THE VACUUM OFF!!
BLAKE
I CANT HEAR YOU!! THE VACUUMS TOO
LOUD!! HOLD ON!!
Blake turns off the vacuum. He starts to talk, then realizes
the music is up too loud as well. He turns off the stereo,
which is sitting atop the reception desk.
BLAKE (CONTD)
What?
ADAM
I said, what are you doing here?
BLAKE
Oh, just cleaning up the office a
little! I couldnt sleep.
DERS
Howd you even get here?
BLAKE
I walked. Hey, by the way, I
cleaned out your desks. Check it
out!
Blake walks over to their desks. Adam and Ders, looking
apprehensive, follow.
BLAKE (CONTD)
(walking)
Hope you dont mind, but I
organized your paperclips by size
rather than color. Seemed to make
more sense pragmatically. But if I
can get Alice to spring for drawer
organizers with more compartments,
Id be happy to separate them by
color as well.
Blake pulls open their drawers. Theyre immaculate.
DERS
(suspicious)
Wow, thats fantastic. Thanks
so much.
ADAM
(suspicious)
Yeah, wow. Great.
BLAKE (CONTD)
My pleasure! Always happy to help
my juice bros!
25.
ADAM
Speaking of, I brought some
banangolencumber delight. Its in
the car. You want some?
BLAKE
Not sure what that is, but Ill
pass. Gotta finish vacuuming before
everyone gets here. Thanks though!
Blake exits to finish vacuuming. As soon as hes gone...
ADAM
Dude, our room-mate turned into a
room-maid! How sweet is that? Now
we just gotta get him to do this to
the house.
DERS
Adam, dont you see whats going
on? He mustve scored some meth
from Karl.
ADAM
Meth?!?
DERS
Yes! Think about it! The not
needing sleep, the compulsive
cleaning, the mediocre techno...
ADAM
Declining an offer of
banangolencumber delight...
DERS
All the tell-tale signs!
Adam gets visibly angry as he contemplates this turn of
events.
ADAM
That conniving little such-and-
such!
DERS
(nodding)
Trying to gain a competitive
advantage on us!
ADAM
We gotta stop him! Tweakers go
months without eating! Hell win
this thing hands down!
26.
We see Adam and Ders look across the office, then we see what
they see: Alice has entered, and is having a friendly chat
with Blake near the front door. Adam and Ders approach them.
ALICE
(to Adam and Ders)
Can you believe how great this
place looks? I was just telling
Blake how much I appreciate his
proactive extra effort. You two
should learn a lesson from him!
Alice walks to her office. Blake looks proud. Adam and Ders
get in close to Blake, like two cops interrogating a suspect.
ADAM
You know Blake, walking to work in
the middle of the night to clean
up? Its kinda...crazy. So tell me,
is there a METH-od to your madness?
BLAKE
What do you mean?
DERS
Oh, I think his meaning is clear.
CRYSTAL clear!
BLAKE
I dont know what youre talking
about-
ADAM
(interrupting)
Then ya might wanna CRANK your
brain into high SPEED - cos youre
on thin ICE, TINA!
DERS
(impressed)
Four in one sentence.
ADAM
(smiling proudly)
Again, off the dome! Tina was
kind of a stretch, but...
BLAKE
What are you guys trying to say?
DERS
(whispering loudly)
Look, we know you got some meth
from Karl!
27.
ADAM
(whispering loudly)
Yeah! And, were really upset with
you and also kind of impressed
youre dabbling in hardcore drugs!
BLAKE
(whispering loudly)
Im not on meth!
Ders pulls out his phone and holds it as if hes about to
make a call.
DERS
So I can call Karl right now and
ask him?
BLAKE
(tentative)
Uh, yeah. Sure. Go ahead.
DERS
OK, I will!
Ders presses button on phone and holds it to his ear,
waiting. Karl doesnt answer. He continues waiting...
ADAM
I dont think he wakes up til like
two.
DERS
(into phone)
Karl? Its Ders. I was wondering if-
BLAKE
(interrupting)
OK, OK! ... I give up! Youre
right. Karl got me some meth.
Ders holds up his phone to show: its not even on.
DERS
Ha ha! You fell for it! I didnt
even call him! Sucker!
Blake suddenly goes into a crazed rage. He attacks Ders,
tackling him to the floor, screaming like a wild beast. Ders
screeches in fear, trying to defend himself.
ADAM
(matter-of-factly)
See? Violent mood swings.
28.
(MORE)
Another symptom of meth use. As if
we needed more proof.
DERS
(being strangled)
ADAM! HELP ME!
Adam tries to pull Blake off Ders. He finally succeeds,
pulling Blake off Ders and into his own lap on the floor.
Blake sits in Adams lap, eyes wide, as if in shock. Adam
rocks Blake back and forth, holding him in a way thats both
nurturing/comforting AND restraining.
ADAM
Blake! BLAKE! Juice bro! Come on!
Snap out of it!
Adam strokes Blakes hair and hums a few bars of a lullaby in
his ear. Blake begins to calm down.
ADAM (CONTD)
Thats not my Blake, attacking one
of his juice bros. No, thats the
meth. My Blake is a gentle soul.
BLAKE
(on the verge of tears)
I am a gentle soul! I am! ... Its
just so hard to not eat! I needed
something! Im sorry!
Blake breaks down crying.
ADAM
There, there. Its OK. Its OK.
DERS
(absurdly dramatic)
I know this is hard, yo. But you
gotta kick the shard. That shit be
gnarly. We dont wanna lose a juice
bro to the mean streets of tweak
town.
ADAM
Hell no we dont...
(breaking into a cheesy
smile)
Though losin a few teeth would
knock an ounce or two off your
weight for the final weigh-in!
The tension broken by Adams dumb joke, they all laugh.
29.
ADAM (CONT'D)
ADAM (CONTD)
(semi-serious)
Probably not worth it, though.
BLAKE
Guys, Im sorry. I made a big
mistake. From here on out, no
methamphetamines. Only juice.
DERS
It feels really good to hear you
say that.
ADAM
It sure does, brother... Now, why
dont I go make you a nice GLASS of
banangolencumber delight?
(smiling proudly)
Glass - another nickname for
meth! BOOM!
Adam holds up his hand for a high five. Blake and Ders leave
him hanging, staring blankly.
ADAM (CONTD)
No? Nothing? OK.
END OF ACT THREE
30.
ACT FOUR
INT. OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON (DAY FIFTEEN - FRIDAY)
Two weeks have passed since our story began. Its the final
day of the fast and the contest. The day of reckoning. And,
payday.
Adam, Blake and Ders are at their desks. Adam is working at
his computer; he seems fine. We see Blake from behind, on a
work call. Ders, pale and gaunt, is wearing a sweater and a
coat over his regular clothes, along with a stocking cap.
Alice walks up with their paychecks. She hands Ders his
first. Ders is breathing into his hands, as if hes freezing.
ALICE
Payday! ... Anders, are you OK?
DERS
(shivering)
Im just a little... cold. Side
effect of the juice fast.
Alice steps back from him, repulsed.
ALICE
Ugh, you smell terrible!
DERS
Sorry. Body odor: another common
side effect of fasting.
Alice hands Adam his check.
ALICE
You guys are still at it? Im
impressed. I never lasted longer
than three days.
ADAM
Day 13 for us. But it ends tonight.
And were gonna feast! But first...
(gesturing with his check)
...whichever one of us lost the
most weight is gonna get all three
of these. And its totally gonna be
me. Check it out.
Adam untucks his shirt and exposes his belly. Hes obviously
sucking in his gut.
31.
ADAM (CONTD)
You can almost see my ribs. Im
like a sexy Sudanese refugee.
ALICE
You guys do look thinner.
Blake finishes his call and spins around in his chair to face
them. He looks positively sickly. We see blood trickling out
of one of his nostrils. Alice hands him his check.
ALICE (CONTD)
Blake! Youre bleeding!
BLAKE
(upbeat and positive)
My nose? Yeah, its been doing
that.
(wiping blood with finger)
Price you pay for being healthy, I
guess!
ALICE
(concerned)
You should see a doctor.
BLAKE
(weakly)
Doctor? Ive never felt so healthy
my whole life!
Blake suddenly has a coughing fit. It sounds like a death
rattle.
ALICE
(disgusted)
Have a good weekend.
Alice exits quickly. Adam stands up.
ADAM
(gesturing with check)
Alright, we got em! Lets get
outta here and get this fast over
with - Im hungry!
Blake weakly lifts himself out of his chair. Ders holds out
his arms.
DERS
Adam, can you give me a hand?
Adam helps Ders stand and supports his arm as they walk.
32.
ADAM
(disgusted)
You do stink! Its like fermented
dick cheese crossed with creme
brulee-flavored e-cig vape.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - EVENING (DAY FIFTEEN - FRIDAY)
The boys are preparing for the FINAL WEIGH-IN to complete
their juice fast weight-loss competition.
Adam, Blake and Ders are in the living room, again dressed
only in Speedos. Blake and Ders seem gaunt, weak and tired.
Adam is fired up. Karl is again present to act as moderator.
The doctor office-style scale is still in the room. The chart
still hangs on the wall, reading ADAM - 178 lbs., 5 oz. /
BLAKE - 170 lbs., 3 oz. / DERS - 191 lbs., 9 oz.
There are unopened bottles of booze lined up on the table,
along with unopened bags of various potato chips and snacks.
Blake is on the phone, completing a delivery order.
BLAKE
(into phone)
...And a family size chili cheese
fries, extra chili, extra cheese,
add bacon and sour cream... I think
thats it. Anything else?
ADAM
You got the cheeseburger pizza and
the pizza cheeseburger, right? Im
good.
BLAKE
(into phone)
Thats it... OK, thanks.
Blake hangs up phone.
KARL
Jesus! How many places are you
ordering from?
DERS
No idea. I just cant believe were
actually about to eat!
Adam walks towards scale and steps onto it.
33.
ADAM
And I just cant believe Im bout
to win yo money, suckas! Curds and
weigh me, Miss Muffet.
Karl, sipping from a blender full of pizza juice, checks the
scale.
KARL
178 pounds... 6 ounces. Dude! You
gained weight!
Adam steps off scale then steps back on.
ADAM
(unbelieving)
Impossible. Try again.
Karl examines scale.
KARL
Same!
ADAM
(livid)
DAMMIT! ... Must be that protein
powder.
DERS
What protein powder?
Adam begrudgingly produces a HUGE container of protein powder
from a cabinet. Its called PROTEROID MASS BUILDER X and
features an image of an over-the-top buff bodybuilder.
ADAM
(very defensive)
Im sorry, but you know what? I
decided Im not gonna sacrifice my
perfect physique for some dumb
contest!
Ders takes the container from him and reads the side.
DERS
800 calories per serving! How often
have you been taking this stuff?
ADAM
Every time I juice, so... like, six
times a day? Seven?
Blake steps onto the scale. Karl weighs him.
34.
ADAM (CONTD)
Anyway I dont even care about
winning your dumb paychecks! You
cant buy this!
Adam flexes into a ridiculous bodybuilder pose.
KARL
Blake. 160 pounds, 1 ounce. You
lost 10 pounds, 2 ounces. Good job,
buddy!
Blake steps off the scale as Ders steps on.
BLAKE
Yes! And I didnt even have to cut
my hair!
KARL
Aaaaand, Ders... 176 pounds, 9
ounces. Dude, down 15!
Ders jumps off the scale in triumph and does a touchdown-
style victory dance.
DERS
(celebratory sing-song)
I won! I won! WOOOOOOO!!
The doorbell rings. Karl walks over to answer it.
DERS (CONTD)
Alright, pay up, bitches!
Adam and Blake, looking disappointed, endorse their paychecks
and hand them over to Ders, who continues celebrating.
DERS (CONTD)
Thank you, boys! Its been a
pleasure fasting juice-ness with
you.
Karl is at the front door with an Asian delivery guy, whos
holding a gigantic bag.
KARL
(laughing)
You ordered $96 of Chinese food!
What the hell?!?
BLAKE
(tentatively)
Uhhhh... Ders, can you spot me on
this?
35.
DERS
WHAT?!?
Ders looks to Adam. Adam pulls the front pockets of his pants
out to demonstrate his lack of funds. He shrugs his shoulders
and purses his lips like a child caught with a cookie.
DERS (CONTD)
(bitter)
GOD-DAMMIT YOU GUYS!
Ders pulls out his wallet to pay for the food.
ADAM
Mo money, mo problems, P. Skinny.
BLAKE
Shouldve stayed fat!
END OF EPISODE
36.