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1anguage@ Eng#ish Project Gutenberg Etext of Heartbreak House, by George Bernard Shaw ********(his fi#e shou#d be na&ed hrtbk14 txt or hrtbk14 8i"******* !orrected E)0(0C9S of our etexts get a new 9EBBE-, newhd11 txt ,E-S0C9S based on se"arate sources get new 1E((E-, newhd14a txt (his etext was "roduced by E$e Sobo#, South Bend, 0ndiana, ES2 Project Gutenberg Etexts are usua##y created fro& &u#ti"#e editions, a## of which are in the Pub#ic )o&ain in the Enited States, un#ess a co"yright notice is inc#uded (herefore, we usua##y do 9C( kee" any of these books in co&"#iance with any "articu#ar "a"er edition 'e are now trying to re#ease a## our books one year in ad$ance of the officia# re#ease dates, #ea$ing ti&e for better editing P#ease be encouraged to send us error &essages e$en years after the officia# "ub#ication date P#ease note@ neither this #ist nor its contents are fina# ti## &idnight of the #ast day of the &onth of any such announce&ent (he officia# re#ease date of a## Project Gutenberg Etexts is at Bidnight, !entra# (i&e, of the #ast day of the stated &onth 2 "re#i&inary $ersion &ay often be "osted for suggestion, co&&ent and editing by those who wish to do so Bost "eo"#e start at our sites at@ htt"@??gutenberg net htt"@??"ro&o net?"g (hose of you who want to down#oad any Etext before announce&ent can surf to the& as fo##ows, and just down#oad by dateI this is a#so a good way to get the& instant#y u"on announce&ent, as the indexes our cata#oguers "roduce ob$ious#y take a whi#e after an announce&ent goes out in the Project Gutenberg 9ews#etter htt"@??www ibib#io org?gutenberg?etext4> or ft"@??ft" ibib#io org?"ub?docs?books?gutenberg?etext4> Cr ?etext41, 44, .., .F, ./, .6, .3, .<, .7, .>, .>, .1 or .4 Just search by the first fi$e #etters of the fi#ena&e you want, as it a""ears in our 9ews#etters 0nfor&ation about Project Gutenberg 5one "age6 'e "roduce about two &i##ion do##ars for each hour we work (he ti&e it takes us, a rather conser$ati$e esti&ate, is fifty hours to get any etext se#ected, entered, "roofread, edited, co"yright searched and ana#y8ed, the co"yright #etters written, etc (his "rojected audience is one hundred &i##ion readers 0f our $a#ue "er text is no&ina##y esti&ated at one do##ar then we "roduce K> &i##ion do##ars "er hour this year as we re#ease fifty new Etext fi#es "er &onth, or 344 &ore Etexts in >444 for a tota# of 7444L

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HE2-(B-E2A HCESE 29) HC-SEB2!A H211 'here Heartbreak House Stands Heartbreak House is not &ere#y the na&e of the "#ay which fo##ows this "reface 0t is cu#tured, #eisured Euro"e before the war 'hen the "#ay was begun not a shot had been firedI and on#y the "rofessiona# di"#o&atists and the $ery few a&ateurs whose hobby is foreign "o#icy e$en knew that the guns were #oaded 2 -ussian "#aywright, (cheko$, had "roduced four fascinating dra&atic studies of Heartbreak House, of which three, (he !herry Crchard, Enc#e ,anya, and (he Seagu##, had been "erfor&ed in Eng#and (o#stoy, in his +ruits of En#ighten&ent, had shown us through it in his &ost ferocious#y conte&"tuous &anner (o#stoy did not waste any sy&"athy on it@ it was to hi& the house in which Euro"e was stif#ing its sou#I and he knew that our utter ener$ation and futi#i8ation in that o$erheated drawingroo& at&os"here was de#i$ering the wor#d o$er to the contro# of ignorant and sou##ess cunning and energy, with the frightfu# conseDuences which ha$e now o$ertaken it (o#stoy was no "essi&ist@ he was not dis"osed to #ea$e the house standing if he cou#d bring it down about the ears of its "retty and a&iab#e $o#u"tuariesI and he wie#ded the "ickaxe with a wi## He treated the case of the in&ates as one of o"iu& "oisoning, to be dea#t with by sei8ing the "atients rough#y and exercising the& $io#ent#y unti# they were broad awake (cheko$, &ore of a fata#ist, had no faith in these char&ing "eo"#e extricating the&se#$es (hey wou#d, he thought, be so#d u" and sent adrift by the bai#iffsI and he therefore had no scru"#e

in ex"#oiting and e$en f#attering their char&

(he 0nhabitants (cheko$Ns "#ays, being #ess #ucrati$e than swings and roundabouts, got no further in Eng#and, where theatres are on#y ordinary co&&ercia# affairs, than a cou"#e of "erfor&ances by the Stage Society 'e stared and said, THow -ussian%T (hey did not strike &e in that way Just as 0bsenNs intense#y 9orwegian "#ays exact#y fitted e$ery &idd#e and "rofessiona# c#ass suburb in Euro"e, these intense#y -ussian "#ays fitted a## the country houses in Euro"e in which the "#easures of &usic, art, #iterature, and the theatre had su""#anted hunting, shooting, fishing, f#irting, eating, and drinking (he sa&e nice "eo"#e, the sa&e utter futi#ity (he nice "eo"#e cou#d readI so&e of the& cou#d writeI and they were the so#e re"ositories of cu#ture who had socia# o""ortunities of contact with our "o#iticians, ad&inistrators, and news"a"er "ro"rietors, or any chance of sharing or inf#uencing their acti$ities But they shrank fro& that contact (hey hated "o#itics (hey did not wish to rea#i8e Eto"ia for the co&&on "eo"#e@ they wished to rea#i8e their fa$orite fictions and "oe&s in their own #i$esI and, when they cou#d, they #i$ed without scru"#e on inco&es which they did nothing to earn (he wo&en in their gir#hood &ade the&se#$es #ook #ike $ariety theatre stars, and sett#ed down #ater into the ty"es of beauty i&agined by the "re$ious generation of "ainters (hey took the on#y "art of our society in which there was #eisure for high cu#ture, and &ade it an econo&ic, "o#itica# andI as far as "racticab#e, a &ora# $acuu&I and as 9ature, abhorring the $acuu&, i&&ediate#y fi##ed it u" with sex and with a## sorts of refined "#easures, it was a $ery de#ightfu# "#ace at its best for &o&ents of re#axation 0n other &o&ents it was disastrous +or "ri&e &inisters and their #ike, it was a $eritab#e !a"ua

Horseback Ha## But where were our front benchers to nest if not hereS (he a#ternati$e to Heartbreak House was Horseback Ha##, consisting of a "rison for horses with an annex for the #adies and gent#e&en who rode the&, hunted the&, ta#ked about the&, bought the& and so#d the&, and ga$e nine=tenths of their #i$es to the&, di$iding the other tenth between charity, churchgoing 5as a substitute for re#igion6, and conser$ati$e e#ectioneering 5as a substitute for "o#itics6 0t is true that the two estab#ish&ents got &ixed at the edges Exi#es fro& the #ibrary, the &usic roo&, and the "icture ga##ery wou#d be found #anguishing a&ong the stab#es, &iserab#y discontentedI and hardy horsewo&en who s#e"t at the first chord of Schu&ann were born, horrib#y &is"#aced, into the garden of A#ingsorI but so&eti&es one ca&e u"on horsebreakers and heartbreakers who cou#d &ake the best of both wor#ds 2s a ru#e, howe$er, the two were a"art and knew #itt#e of one anotherI so the "ri&e &inister fo#k had to choose between barbaris& and !a"ua 2nd of the two at&os"heres it is hard to say which was the &ore fata# to states&anshi"

-e$o#ution on the She#f Heartbreak House was Duite fa&i#iar with re$o#utionary ideas on "a"er 0t ai&ed at being ad$anced and freethinking, and hard#y e$er went to church or ke"t the Sabbath exce"t by a #itt#e extra fun at weekends 'hen you s"ent a +riday to (uesday in it you found on the she#f in your bedroo& not on#y the books of "oets and no$e#ists, but of re$o#utionary bio#ogists and e$en econo&ists 'ithout at #east a few "#ays by &yse#f and Br Gran$i##e Barker, and a few stories by Br H G 'e##s, Br 2rno#d Bennett, and Br John Ga#sworthy, the house wou#d ha$e been out of the &o$e&ent Gou wou#d find B#ake a&ong the "oets, and beside hi& Bergson, But#er, Scott Ha#dane, the "oe&s of Beredith and (ho&as Hardy, and, genera##y s"eaking, a## the #iterary i&"#e&ents for for&ing the &ind of the "erfect &odern Socia#ist and !reati$e E$o#utionist 0t was a curious ex"erience to s"end Sunday in di""ing into these books, and the Bonday &orning to read in the dai#y "a"er that the country had just been brought to the $erge of anarchy because a new Ho&e Secretary or chief of "o#ice without an idea in his head that his great=grand&other &ight not ha$e had to a"o#ogi8e for, had refused to Trecogni8eT so&e "owerfu# (rade Enion, just as a gondo#a &ight refuse to recogni8e a >4,444=ton #iner 0n short, "ower and cu#ture were in se"arate co&"art&ents (he barbarians were not on#y #itera##y in the sadd#e, but on the front bench in the House of co&&ons, with nobody to correct their incredib#e ignorance of &odern thought and "o#itica# science but u"starts fro& the counting=house, who had s"ent their #i$es furnishing their "ockets instead of their &inds Both, howe$er, were "ractised in dea#ing with &oney and with &en, as far as acDuiring the one and ex"#oiting the other wentI and a#though this is as undesirab#e an ex"ertness as that of the &edie$a# robber baron, it Dua#ifies &en to kee" an estate or a business going in its o#d routine without necessari#y understanding it, just as Bond Street trades&en and do&estic ser$ants kee" fashionab#e society going without any instruction in socio#ogy

(he !herry Crchard (he Heartbreak "eo"#e neither cou#d nor wou#d do anything of the sort 'ith their heads as fu## of the 2ntici"ations of Br H G 'e##s as the heads of our actua# ru#ers were e&"ty e$en of the antici"ations of Eras&us or Sir (ho&as Bore, they refused the drudgery of "o#itics, and wou#d ha$e &ade a $ery "oor job of it if they had changed their &inds 9ot that they wou#d ha$e been a##owed to &edd#e anyhow, as on#y through the accident of being a hereditary "eer can anyone in these days of ,otes for E$erybody get into "ar#ia&ent if handica""ed by a serious &odern cu#tura# eDui"&entI but if they had, their habit of #i$ing in a $acuu& wou#d ha$e #eft the& he#"#ess end ineffecti$e in "ub#ic affairs E$en in "ri$ate #ife they were often he#"#ess wasters of their inheritance, #ike the "eo"#e in (cheko$Ns !herry Crchard E$en those who #i$ed within their inco&es were rea##y ke"t going by

their so#icitors and agents, being unab#e to &anage an estate or run a business without continua# "ro&"ting fro& those who ha$e to #earn how to do such things or star$e Q+ro& what is ca##ed )e&ocracy no correcti$e to this state of things cou#d be ho"ed 0t is said that e$ery "eo"#e has the Go$ern&ent it deser$es 0t is &ore to the "oint that e$ery Go$ern&ent has the e#ectorate it deser$esI for the orators of the front bench can edify or debauch an ignorant e#ectorate at wi## (hus our de&ocracy &o$es in a $icious circ#e of reci"roca# worthiness and unworthiness

9atureNs 1ong !redits 9atureNs way of dea#ing with unhea#thy conditions is unfortunate#y not one that co&"e#s us to conduct a so#$ent hygiene on a cash basis She de&ora#i8es us with #ong credits and reck#ess o$erdrafts, and then "u##s us u" crue##y with catastro"hic bankru"tcies (ake, for exa&"#e, co&&on do&estic sanitation 2 who#e city generation &ay neg#ect it utter#y and scanda#ous#y, if not with abso#ute i&"unity, yet without any e$i# conseDuences that anyone thinks of tracing to it 0n a hos"ita# two generations of &edica# students way to#erate dirt and care#essness, and then go out into genera# "ractice to s"read the doctrine that fresh air is a fad, and sanitation an i&"osture set u" to &ake "rofits for "#u&bers (hen sudden#y 9ature takes her re$enge She strikes at the city with a "esti#ence and at the hos"ita# with an e"ide&ic of hos"ita# gangrene, s#aughtering right and #eft unti# the innocent young ha$e "aid for the gui#ty o#d, and the account is ba#anced 2nd then she goes to s#ee" again and gi$es another "eriod of credit, with the sa&e resu#t (his is what has just ha""ened in our "o#itica# hygiene Po#itica# science has been as reck#ess#y neg#ected by Go$ern&ents and e#ectorates during &y #ifeti&e as sanitary science was in the days of !har#es the Second 0n internationa# re#ations di"#o&acy has been a boyish#y #aw#ess affair of fa&i#y intrigues, co&&ercia# and territoria# brigandage, tor"ors of "seudo=goodnature "roduced by #a8iness and s"as&s of ferocious acti$ity "roduced by terror But in these is#ands we &udd#ed through 9ature ga$e us a #onger credit than she ga$e to +rance or Ger&any or -ussia (o British centenarians who died in their beds in 1.1<, any dread of ha$ing to hide underground in 1ondon fro& the she##s of an ene&y see&ed &ore re&ote and fantastic than a dread of the a""earance of a co#ony of cobras and ratt#esnakes in Aensington Gardens 0n the "ro"hetic works of !har#es )ickens we were warned against &any e$i#s which ha$e since co&e to "assI but of the e$i# of being s#aughtered by a foreign foe on our own doorste"s there was no shadow 9ature ga$e us a $ery #ong creditI and we abused it to the ut&ost But when she struck at #ast she struck with a $engeance +or four years she s&ote our firstborn and hea"ed on us "#agues of which Egy"t ne$er drea&ed (hey were a## as "re$entab#e as the great P#ague of 1ondon, and ca&e so#e#y because they had not been "re$ented (hey were not undone by winning the war (he earth is sti## bursting with the dead bodies of the $ictors

(he 'icked Ha#f !entury 0t is difficu#t to say whether indifference and neg#ect are worse than fa#se doctrineI but Heartbreak House and Horseback Ha## unfortunate#y suffered fro& both +or ha#f a century before the war ci$i#i8ation had been going to the de$i# $ery "reci"itate#y under the inf#uence of a "seudo=science as disastrous as the b#ackest !a#$inis& !a#$inis& taught that as we are "redestinate#y sa$ed or da&ned, nothing that we can do can a#ter our destiny Sti##, as !a#$inis& ga$e the indi$idua# no c#ue as to whether he had drawn a #ucky nu&ber or an un#ucky one, it #eft hi& a fair#y strong interest in encouraging his ho"es of sa#$ation and a##aying his fear of da&nation by beha$ing as one of the e#ect &ight be ex"ected to beha$e rather than as one of the re"robate But in the &idd#e of the nineteenth century natura#ists and "hysicists assured the wor#d, in the na&e of Science, that sa#$ation and da&nation are a## nonsense, and that "redestination is the centra# truth of re#igion, inas&uch as hu&an beings are "roduced by their en$iron&ent, their sins and good deeds being on#y a series of che&ica# and &echanica# reactions o$er which they ha$e no contro# Such fig&ents as &ind, choice, "ur"ose, conscience, wi##, and so forth, are, they taught, &ere i##usions, "roduced because they are usefu# in the continua# strugg#e of the hu&an &achine to &aintain its en$iron&ent in a fa$orab#e condition, a "rocess incidenta##y in$o#$ing the ruth#ess destruction or subjection of its co&"etitors for the su""#y 5assu&ed to be #i&ited6 of subsistence a$ai#ab#e 'e taught Prussia this re#igionI and Prussia bettered our instruction so effecti$e#y that we "resent#y found ourse#$es confronted with the necessity of destroying Prussia to "re$ent Prussia destroying us 2nd that has just ended in each destroying the other to an extent doubtfu##y re"arab#e in our ti&e 0t &ay be asked how so i&beci#e and dangerous a creed e$er ca&e to be acce"ted by inte##igent beings 0 wi## answer that Duestion &ore fu##y in &y next $o#u&e of "#ays, which wi## be entire#y de$oted to the subject +or the "resent 0 wi## on#y say that there were better reasons than the ob$ious one that such sha& science as this o"ened a scientific career to $ery stu"id &en, and a## the other careers to sha&e#ess rasca#s, "ro$ided they were industrious enough 0t is true that this &oti$e o"erated $ery "owerfu##yI but when the new de"arture in scientific doctrine which is associated with the na&e of the great natura#ist !har#es )arwin began, it was not on#y a reaction against a barbarous "seudo=e$ange#ica# te#eo#ogy into#erab#y obstructi$e to a## scientific "rogress, but was acco&"anied, as it ha""ened, by disco$eries of extraordinary interest in "hysics, che&istry, and that #ife#ess &ethod of e$o#ution which its in$estigators ca##ed 9atura# Se#ection Howbeit, there was on#y one resu#t "ossib#e in the ethica# s"here, and that was the banish&ent of conscience fro& hu&an affairs, or, as Sa&ue# But#er $ehe&ent#y "ut it, Tof &ind fro& the uni$erse T

Hy"ochondria 9ow Heartbreak House, with But#er and Bergson and Scott Ha#dane a#ongside B#ake and the other &ajor "oets on its she#$es 5to say nothing of 'agner and the tone "oets6, was not so co&"#ete#y b#inded by the do#tish &ateria#is& of the #aboratories as the uncu#tured wor#d outside But being an id#e house it was a hy"ochondriaca# house, a#ways running after cures 0t wou#d sto" eating &eat, not on $a#id She##eyan grounds, but in order to get rid of a bogey ca##ed Eric 2cidI and it wou#d actua##y #et you "u## a## its teeth out to exorcise another de&on na&ed Pyorrhea 0t was su"erstitious, and addicted to tab#e=ra""ing, &ateria#i8ation seances, c#air$oyance, "a#&istry, crysta#=ga8ing and the #ike to such an extent that it &ay be doubted whether e$er before in the history of the wor#d did soothsayers, astro#ogers, and unregistered thera"eutic s"ecia#ists of a## sorts f#ourish as they did during this ha#f century of the drift to the abyss (he registered doctors and surgeons were hard "ut to it to co&"ete with the unregistered (hey were not c#e$er enough to a""ea# to the i&agination and sociabi#ity of the Heartbreakers by the arts of the actor, the orator, the "oet, the winning con$ersationa#ist (hey had to fa## back coarse#y on the terror of infection and death (hey "rescribed inocu#ations and o"erations 'hate$er "art of a hu&an being cou#d be cut out without necessari#y ki##ing hi& they cut outI and he often died 5unnecessari#y of course6 in conseDuence +ro& such trif#es as u$u#as and tonsi#s they went on to o$aries and a""endices unti# at #ast no oneNs inside was safe (hey ex"#ained that the hu&an intestine was too #ong, and that nothing cou#d &ake a chi#d of 2da& hea#thy exce"t short circuiting the "y#orus by cutting a #ength out of the #ower intestine and fastening it direct#y to the sto&ach 2s their &echanist theory taught the& that &edicine was the business of the che&istNs #aboratory, and surgery of the car"enterNs sho", and a#so that Science 5by which they &eant their "ractices6 was so i&"ortant that no consideration for the interests of any indi$idua# creature, whether frog or "hi#oso"her, &uch #ess the $u#gar co&&on"#aces of senti&enta# ethics, cou#d weigh for a &o&ent against the re&otest off=chance of an addition to the body of scientific know#edge, they o"erated and $i$isected and inocu#ated and #ied on a stu"endous sca#e, c#a&oring for and actua##y acDuiring such #ega# "owers o$er the bodies of their fe##ow=citi8ens as neither king, "o"e, nor "ar#ia&ent dare e$er ha$e c#ai&ed (he 0nDuisition itse#f was a 1ibera# institution co&"ared to the Genera# Bedica# !ounci#

(hose who do not know how to #i$e &ust &ake a Berit of )ying Heartbreak House was far too #a8y and sha##ow to extricate itse#f fro& this "a#ace of e$i# enchant&ent 0t rha"sodi8ed about #o$eI but it be#ie$ed in crue#ty 0t was afraid of the crue# "eo"#eI and it saw that crue#ty was at #east effecti$e !rue#ty did things that &ade &oney, whereas 1o$e did nothing but "ro$e the soundness of 1arochefoucau#dNs saying that $ery few "eo"#e wou#d fa## in #o$e if they had ne$er read about it Heartbreak House, in short, did not know how to #i$e, at which "oint a## that was #eft to it was the boast that at #east it knew how to die@ a

&e#ancho#y acco&"#ish&ent which the outbreak of war "resent#y ga$e it "ractica##y un#i&ited o""ortunities of dis"#aying (hus were the firstborn of Heartbreak House s&ittenI and the young, the innocent, the ho"efu#, ex"iated the fo##y and worth#essness of their e#ders 'ar )e#iriu& Cn#y those who ha$e #i$ed through a first=rate war, not in the fie#d, but at ho&e, and ke"t their heads, can "ossib#y understand the bitterness of Shakes"eare and Swift, who both went through this ex"erience (he horror of Peer Gynt in the &adhouse, when the #unatics, exa#ted by i##usions of s"#endid ta#ent and $isions of a dawning &i##enniu&, crowned hi& as their e&"eror, was ta&e in co&"arison 0 do not know whether anyone rea##y ke"t his head co&"#ete#y exce"t those who had to kee" it because they had to conduct the war at first hand 0 shou#d not ha$e ke"t &y own 5as far as 0 did kee" it6 if 0 had not at once understood that as a scribe and s"eaker 0 too was under the &ost serious "ub#ic ob#igation to kee" &y gri" on rea#itiesI but this did not sa$e &e fro& a considerab#e degree of hy"eraesthesia (here were of course so&e ha""y "eo"#e to who& the war &eant nothing@ a## "o#itica# and genera# &atters #ying outside their #itt#e circ#e of interest But the ordinary war=conscious ci$i#ian went &ad, the &ain sy&"to& being a con$iction that the who#e order of nature had been re$ersed 2## foods, he fe#t, &ust now be adu#terated 2## schoo#s &ust be c#osed 9o ad$ertise&ents &ust be sent to the news"a"ers, of which new editions &ust a""ear and be bought u" e$ery ten &inutes (ra$e##ing &ust be sto""ed, or, that being i&"ossib#e, great#y hindered 2## "retences about fine art and cu#ture and the #ike &ust be f#ung off as an into#erab#e affectationI and the "icture ga##eries and &useu&s and schoo#s at once occu"ied by war workers (he British Buseu& itse#f was sa$ed on#y by a hairNs breadth (he sincerity of a## this, and of &uch &ore which wou#d not be be#ie$ed if 0 chronic#ed it, &ay be estab#ished by one conc#usi$e instance of the genera# cra8iness Ben were sei8ed with the i##usion that they cou#d win the war by gi$ing away &oney 2nd they not on#y subscribed &i##ions to +unds of a## sorts with no disco$erab#e object, and to ridicu#ous $o#untary organi8ations for doing what was "#ain#y the business of the ci$i# and &i#itary authorities, but actua##y handed out &oney to any thief in the street who had the "resence of &ind to "retend that he 5or she6 was Tco##ectingT it for the annihi#ation of the ene&y Swind#ers were e&bo#dened to take officesI #abe# the&se#$es 2nti=Ene&y 1eaguesI and si&"#y "ocket the &oney that was hea"ed on the& 2ttracti$e#y dressed young wo&en found that they had nothing to do but "arade the streets, co##ecting=box in hand, and #i$e g#orious#y on the "rofits Bany &onths e#a"sed before, as a first sign of returning sanity, the "o#ice swe"t an 2nti=Ene&y secretary into "rison "our encourages #es autres, and the "assionate "enny co##ecting of the +#ag )ays was brought under so&e sort of regu#ation

Badness in !ourt

(he de&ora#i8ation did not s"are the 1aw !ourts So#diers were acDuitted, e$en on fu##y "ro$ed indict&ents for wi#fu# &urder, unti# at #ast the judges and &agistrates had to announce that what was ca##ed the Enwritten 1aw, which &eant si&"#y that a so#dier cou#d do what he #iked with i&"unity in ci$i# #ife, was not the #aw of the #and, and that a ,ictoria !ross did not carry with it a "er"etua# "#enary indu#gence Enfortunate#y the insanity of the juries and &agistrates did not a#ways &anifest itse#f in indu#gence 9o "erson un#ucky enough to be charged with any sort of conduct, howe$er reasonab#e and sa#utary, that did not s&ack of war de#iriu&, had the s#ightest chance of acDuitta# (here were in the country, too, a certain nu&ber of "eo"#e who had conscientious objections to war as cri&ina# or unchristian (he 2ct of Par#ia&ent introducing !o&"u#sory Bi#itary Ser$ice thought#ess#y exe&"ted these "ersons, &ere#y reDuiring the& to "ro$e the genuineness of their con$ictions (hose who did so were $ery i##=ad$ised fro& the "oint of $iew of their own "ersona# interestI for they were "ersecuted with sa$age #ogica#ity in s"ite of the #awI whi#st those who &ade no "retence of ha$ing any objection to war at a##, and had not on#y had &i#itary training in CfficersN (raining !or"s, but had "roc#ai&ed on "ub#ic occasions that they were "erfect#y ready to engage in ci$i# war on beha#f of their "o#itica# o"inions, were a##owed the benefit of the 2ct on the ground that they did not a""ro$e of this "articu#ar war +or the !hristians there was no &ercy 0n cases where the e$idence as to their being ki##ed by i## treat&ent was so uneDui$oca# that the $erdict wou#d certain#y ha$e been one of wi#fu# &urder had the "rejudice of the coronerNs jury been on the other side, their tor&entors were gratuitous#y dec#ared to be b#a&e#ess (here was on#y one $irtue, "ugnacity@ on#y one $ice, "acifis& (hat is an essentia# condition of warI but the Go$ern&ent had not the courage to #egis#ate according#yI and its #aw was set aside for 1ynch #aw (he c#i&ax of #ega# #aw#essness was reached in +rance (he greatest Socia#ist states&an in Euro"e, Jaures, was shot and ki##ed by a gent#e&an who resented his efforts to a$ert the war B !#e&enceau was shot by another gent#e&an of #ess "o"u#ar o"inions, and ha""i#y ca&e off no worse than ha$ing to s"end a "recautionary cou"#e of days in bed (he s#ayer of Jaures was reck#ess#y acDuitted@ the wou#d=be s#ayer of B !#e&enceau was carefu##y found gui#ty (here is no reason to doubt that the sa&e thing wou#d ha$e ha""ened in Eng#and if the war had begun with a successfu# atte&"t to assassinate Aeir Hardie, and ended with an unsuccessfu# one to assassinate Br 1#oyd George

(he 1ong 2r& of 'ar (he "esti#ence which is the usua# acco&"ani&ent of war was ca##ed inf#uen8a 'hether it was rea##y a war "esti#ence or not was &ade doubtfu# by the fact that it did its worst in "#aces re&ote fro& the batt#efie#ds, notab#y on the west coast of 9orth 2&erica and in 0ndia But the &ora# "esti#ence, which was unDuestionab#y a war "esti#ence, re"roduced this "heno&enon Cne wou#d ha$e su""osed that the war fe$er wou#d ha$e raged &ost furious#y in the countries actua##y under fire, and that the others wou#d be

&ore reasonab#e Be#giu& and +#anders, where o$er #arge districts #itera##y not one stone was #eft u"on another as the o""osed ar&ies dro$e each other back and forward o$er it after terrific "re#i&inary bo&bard&ents, &ight ha$e been "ardoned for re#ie$ing their fee#ings &ore e&"hatica##y than by shrugging their shou#ders and saying, T!Nest #a guerre T Eng#and, in$io#ate for so &any centuries that the swoo" of war on her ho&esteads had #ong ceased to be &ore credib#e than a return of the +#ood, cou#d hard#y be ex"ected to kee" her te&"er sweet when she knew at #ast what it was to hide in ce##ars and underground rai#way stations, or #ie Duaking in bed, whi#st bo&bs crashed, houses cru&b#ed, and aircraft guns distributed shra"ne# on friend and foe a#ike unti# certain sho" windows in 1ondon, for&er#y fu## of fashionab#e hats, were fi##ed with stee# he#&ets S#ain and &uti#ated wo&en and chi#dren, and burnt and wrecked dwe##ings, excuse a good dea# of $io#ent #anguage, and "roduce a wrath on which &any suns go down before it is a""eased Get it was in the Enited States of 2&erica where nobody s#e"t the worse for the war, that the war fe$er went beyond a## sense and reason 0n Euro"ean !ourts there was $indicti$e i##ega#ity@ in 2&erican !ourts there was ra$ing #unacy 0t is not for &e to chronic#e the extra$agances of an 2##y@ #et so&e candid 2&erican do that 0 can on#y say that to us sitting in our gardens in Eng#and, with the guns in +rance &aking the&se#$es fe#t by a throb in the air as un&istakeab#e as an audib#e sound, or with tightening hearts studying the "hases of the &oon in 1ondon in their bearing on the chances whether our houses wou#d be standing or ourse#$es a#i$e next &orning, the news"a"er accounts of the sentences 2&erican !ourts were "assing on young gir#s and o#d &en a#ike for the ex"ression of o"inions which were being uttered a&id thundering a""#ause before huge audiences in Eng#and, and the &ore "ri$ate records of the &ethods by which the 2&erican 'ar 1oans were raised, were so a&a8ing that they "ut the guns and the "ossibi#ities of a raid c#ean out of our heads for the &o&ent

(he -abid 'atchdogs of 1iberty 9ot content with these rancorous abuses of the existing #aw, the war &aniacs &ade a frantic rush to abo#ish a## constitutiona# guarantees of #iberty and we##=being (he ordinary #aw was su"erseded by 2cts under which news"a"ers were sei8ed and their "rinting &achinery destroyed by si&"#e "o#ice raids a #a -usse, and "ersons arrested and shot without any "retence of tria# by jury or "ub#icity of "rocedure or e$idence (hough it was urgent#y necessary that "roduction shou#d be increased by the &ost scientific organi8ation and econo&y of #abor, and though no fact was better estab#ished than that excessi$e duration and intensity of toi# reduces "roduction hea$i#y instead of increasing it, the factory #aws were sus"ended, and &en and wo&en reck#ess#y o$er=worked unti# the #oss of their efficiency beca&e too g#aring to be ignored -e&onstrances and warnings were &et either with an accusation of "ro=Ger&anis& or the for&u#a, T-e&e&ber that we are at war now T 0 ha$e said that &en assu&ed that war had re$ersed the order of nature, and that a## was #ost un#ess we did the exact o""osite of e$erything we had found necessary and beneficia# in "eace But the truth was worse than

that (he war did not change &enNs &inds in any such i&"ossib#e way 'hat rea##y ha""ened was that the i&"act of "hysica# death and destruction, the one rea#ity that e$ery foo# can understand, tore off the &asks of education, art, science and re#igion fro& our ignorance and barbaris&, and #eft us g#orying grotesDue#y in the #icence sudden#y accorded to our $i#est "assions and &ost abject terrors E$er since (hucydides wrote his history, it has been on record that when the ange# of death sounds his tru&"et the "retences of ci$i#i8ation are b#own fro& &enNs heads into the &ud #ike hats in a gust of wind But when this scri"ture was fu#fi##ed a&ong us, the shock was not the #ess a""a##ing because a few students of Greek history were not sur"rised by it 0ndeed these students threw the&se#$es into the orgy as sha&e#ess#y as the i##iterate (he !hristian "riest, joining in the war dance without e$en throwing off his cassock first, and the res"ectab#e schoo# go$ernor ex"e##ing the Ger&an "rofessor with insu#t and bodi#y $io#ence, and dec#aring that no Eng#ish chi#d shou#d e$er again be taught the #anguage of 1uther and Goethe, were ke"t in countenance by the &ost i&"udent re"udiations of e$ery decency of ci$i#i8ation and e$ery #esson of "o#itica# ex"erience on the "art of the $ery "ersons who, as uni$ersity "rofessors, historians, "hi#oso"hers, and &en of science, were the accredited custodians of cu#ture 0t was crude#y natura#, and "erha"s necessary for recruiting "ur"oses, that Ger&an &i#itaris& and Ger&an dynastic a&bition shou#d be "ainted by journa#ists and recruiters in b#ack and red as Euro"ean dangers 5as in fact they are6, #ea$ing it to be inferred that our own &i#itaris& and our own "o#itica# constitution are &i##ennia##y de&ocratic 5which they certain#y are not6I but when it ca&e to frantic denunciations of Ger&an che&istry, Ger&an bio#ogy, Ger&an "oetry, Ger&an &usic, Ger&an #iterature, Ger&an "hi#oso"hy, and e$en Ger&an engineering, as &a#ignant abo&inations standing towards British and +rench che&istry and so forth in the re#ation of hea$en to he##, it was c#ear that the utterers of such barbarous ra$ings had ne$er rea##y understood or cared for the arts and sciences they "rofessed and were "rofaning, and were on#y the a""a##ing#y degenerate descendants of the &en of the se$enteenth and eighteenth centuries who, recogni8ing no nationa# frontiers in the great rea#& of the hu&an &ind, ke"t the Euro"ean co&ity of that rea#& #ofti#y and e$en ostentatious#y abo$e the rancors of the batt#e=fie#d (earing the Garter fro& the AaiserNs #eg, striking the Ger&an dukes fro& the ro## of our "eerage, changing the AingNs i##ustrious and historica##y a""ro"riate surna&e 5for the war was the o#d war of Gue#"h against Ghibe##ine, with the Aaiser as 2rch=Ghibe##ine6 to that of a tradition#ess #oca#ity Cne fe#t that the figure of St George and the )ragon on our coinage shou#d be re"#aced by that of the so#dier dri$ing his s"ear through 2rchi&edes But by that ti&e there was no coinage@ on#y "a"er &oney in which ten shi##ings ca##ed itse#f a "ound as confident#y as the "eo"#e who were disgracing their country ca##ed the&se#$es "atriots

(he Sufferings of the Sane (he &enta# distress of #i$ing a&id the obscene din of a## these car&agno#es and corobberies was not the on#y burden that #ay on

sane "eo"#e during the war (here was a#so the e&otiona# strain, co&"#icated by the offended econo&ic sense, "roduced by the casua#ty #ists (he stu"id, the se#fish, the narrow=&inded, the ca##ous and uni&aginati$e were s"ared a great dea# TB#ood and destruction sha## be so in use that &others sha## but s&i#e when they beho#d their infantes Duartered by the hands of war,T was a Shakes"earean "ro"hecy that $ery near#y ca&e trueI for when near#y e$ery house had a s#aughtered son to &ourn, we shou#d a## ha$e gone Duite out of our senses if we had taken our own and our friendNs berea$e&ents at their "eace $a#ue 0t beca&e necessary to gi$e the& a fa#se $a#ueI to "roc#ai& the young #ife worthi#y and g#orious#y sacrificed to redee& the #iberty of &ankind, instead of to ex"iate the heed#essness and fo##y of their fathers, and ex"iate it in $ain 'e had e$en to assu&e that the "arents and not the chi#dren had &ade the sacrifice, unti# at #ast the co&ic "a"ers were dri$en to satiri8e fat o#d &en, sitting co&fortab#y in c#ub chairs, and boasting of the sons they had Tgi$enT to their country 9o one grudged these anodynes to acute "ersona# griefI but they on#y e&bittered those who knew that the young &en were ha$ing their teeth set on edge because their "arents had eaten sour "o#itica# gra"es (hen think of the young &en the&se#$es% Bany of the& had no i##usions about the "o#icy that #ed to the war@ they went c#ear=sighted to a horrib#y re"ugnant duty Ben essentia##y gent#e and essentia##y wise, with rea##y $a#uab#e work in hand, #aid it down $o#untari#y and s"ent &onths for&ing fours in the barrack yard, and stabbing sacks of straw in the "ub#ic eye, so that they &ight go out to ki## and &ai& &en as gent#e as the&se#$es (hese &en, who were "erha"s, as a c#ass, our &ost efficient so#diers 5+rederick Aee#ing, for exa&"#e6, were not du"ed for a &o&ent by the hy"ocritica# &e#odra&a that conso#ed and sti&u#ated the others (hey #eft their creati$e work to drudge at destruction, exact#y as they wou#d ha$e #eft it to take their turn at the "u&"s in a sinking shi" (hey did not, #ike so&e of the conscientious objectors, ho#d back because the shi" had been neg#ected by its officers and scutt#ed by its wreckers (he shi" had to be sa$ed, e$en if 9ewton had to #ea$e his f#uxions and Bichae# 2nge#o his &arb#es to sa$e itI so they threw away the too#s of their beneficent and ennob#ing trades, and took u" the b#ood=stained bayonet and the &urderous bo&b, forcing the&se#$es to "er$ert their di$ine instinct for "erfect artistic execution to the effecti$e hand#ing of these diabo#ica# things, and their econo&ic facu#ty for organi8ation to the contri$ing of ruin and s#aughter +or it ga$e an ironic edge to their tragedy that the $ery ta#ents they were forced to "rostitute &ade the "rostitution not on#y effecti$e, but e$en interestingI so that so&e of the& were ra"id#y "ro&oted, and found the&se#$es actua##y beco&ing artists in wax, with a growing re#ish for it, #ike 9a"o#eon and a## the other scourges of &ankind, in s"ite of the&se#$es +or &any of the& there was not e$en this conso#ation (hey Tstuck it,T and hated it, to the end

E$i# in the (hrone of Good (his distress of the gent#e was so acute that those who shared it

in ci$i# #ife, without ha$ing to shed b#ood with their own hands, or witness destruction with their own eyes, hard#y care to obtrude their own woes 9e$erthe#ess, e$en when sitting at ho&e in safety, it was not easy for those who had to write and s"eak about the war to throw away their highest conscience, and de#iberate#y work to a standard of ine$itab#e e$i# instead of to the idea# of #ife &ore abundant 0 can answer for at #east one "erson who found the change fro& the wisdo& of Jesus and St +rancis to the &ora#s of -ichard 000 and the &adness of )on Uuixote extre&e#y irkso&e But that change had to be &adeI and we are a## the worse for it, exce"t those for who& it was not rea##y a change at a##, but on#y a re#ief fro& hy"ocrisy (hink, too, of those who, though they had neither to write nor to fight, and had no chi#dren of their own to #ose, yet knew the inesti&ab#e #oss to the wor#d of four years of the #ife of a generation wasted on destruction Hard#y one of the e"och=&aking works of the hu&an &ind &ight not ha$e been aborted or destroyed by taking their authors away fro& their natura# work for four critica# years 9ot on#y were Shakes"eares and P#atos being ki##ed outrightI but &any of the best har$ests of the sur$i$ors had to be sown in the barren soi# of the trenches 2nd this was no &ere British consideration (o the tru#y ci$i#i8ed &an, to the good Euro"ean, the s#aughter of the Ger&an youth was as disastrous as the s#aughter of the Eng#ish +oo#s exu#ted in TGer&an #osses T (hey were our #osses as we## 0&agine exu#ting in the death of Beetho$en because Bi## Sykes dea#t hi& his death b#ow%

Straining at the Gnat and swa##owing the !a&e# But &ost "eo"#e cou#d not co&"rehend these sorrows (here was a fri$o#ous exu#tation in death for its own sake, which was at botto& an inabi#ity to rea#i8e that the deaths were rea# deaths and not stage ones 2gain and again, when an air raider dro""ed a bo&b which tore a chi#d and its &other #i&b fro& #i&b, the "eo"#e who saw it, though they had been reading with great cheerfu#ness of thousands of such ha""enings day after day in their news"a"ers, sudden#y burst into furious i&"recations on Tthe HunsT as &urderers, and shrieked for sa$age and satisfying $engeance 2t such &o&ents it beca&e c#ear that the deaths they had not seen &eant no &ore to the& than the &i&ic death of the cine&a screen So&eti&es it was not necessary that death shou#d be actua##y witnessed@ it had on#y to take "#ace under circu&stances of sufficient no$e#ty and "roxi&ity to bring it ho&e a#&ost as sensationa##y and effecti$e#y as if it had been actua##y $isib#e +or exa&"#e, in the s"ring of 1.13 there was an a""a##ing s#aughter of our young so#diers at 9eu$e !ha"e##e and at the Ga##i"o#i #anding 0 wi## not go so far as to say that our ci$i#ians were de#ighted to ha$e such exciting news to read at breakfast But 0 cannot "retend that 0 noticed either in the "a"ers, or in genera# intercourse, any fee#ing beyond the usua# one that the cine&a show at the front was going s"#endid#y, and that our boys were the bra$est of the bra$e Sudden#y there ca&e

the news that an 2t#antic #iner, the 1usitania, had been tor"edoed, and that se$era# we##=known first=c#ass "assengers, inc#uding a fa&ous theatrica# &anager and the author of a "o"u#ar farce, had been drowned, a&ong others (he others inc#uded Sir Hugh 1aneI but as he had on#y #aid the country under great ob#igations in the s"here of the fine arts, no great stress was #aid on that #oss 0&&ediate#y an a&a8ing fren8y swe"t through the country Ben who u" to that ti&e had ke"t their heads now #ost the& utter#y TAi##ing sa#oon "assengers% 'hat nextST was the essence of the who#e agitationI but it is far too tri$ia# a "hrase to con$ey the faintest notion of the rage which "ossessed us (o &e, with &y &ind fu## of the hideous cost of 9eu$e !ha"e##e, G"res, and the Ga##i"o#i #anding, the fuss about the 1usitania see&ed a#&ost a heart#ess i&"ertinence, though 0 was we## acDuainted "ersona##y with the three best=known $icti&s, and understood, better "erha"s than &ost "eo"#e, the &isfortune of the death of 1ane 0 e$en found a gri& satisfaction, $ery inte##igib#e to a## so#diers, in the fact that the ci$i#ians who found the war such s"#endid British s"ort shou#d get a shar" taste of what it was to the actua# co&batants 0 ex"ressed &y i&"atience $ery free#y, and found that &y $ery straightforward and natura# fee#ing in the &atter was recei$ed as a &onstrous and heart#ess "aradox 'hen 0 asked those who ga"ed at &e whether they had anything to say about the ho#ocaust of +estubert, they ga"ed wider than before, ha$ing tota##y forgotten it, or rather, ha$ing ne$er rea#i8ed it (hey were not heart#ess any&ore than 0 wasI but the big catastro"he was too big for the& to gras", and the #itt#e one had been just the right si8e for the& 0 was not sur"rised Ha$e 0 not seen a "ub#ic body for just the sa&e reason "ass a $ote for 74,444 without a word, and then s"end three s"ecia# &eetings, "ro#onged into the night, o$er an ite& of se$en shi##ings for refresh&entsS

1itt#e Binds and Big Batt#es 9obody wi## be ab#e to understand the $agaries of "ub#ic fee#ing during the war un#ess they bear constant#y in &ind that the war in its entire &agnitude did not exist for the a$erage ci$i#ian He cou#d not concei$e e$en a batt#e, &uch #ess a ca&"aign (o the suburbs the war was nothing but a suburban sDuabb#e (o the &iner and na$$y it was on#y a series of bayonet fights between Ger&an cha&"ions and Eng#ish ones (he enor&ity of it was Duite beyond &ost of us 0ts e"isodes had to be reduced to the di&ensions of a rai#way accident or a shi"wreck before it cou#d "roduce any effect on our &inds at a## (o us the ridicu#ous bo&bard&ents of Scarborough and -a&sgate were co#ossa# tragedies, and the batt#e of Jut#and a &ere ba##ad (he words Tafter thorough arti##ery "re"arationT in the news fro& the front &eant nothing to usI but when our seaside tri""ers #earned that an e#der#y gent#e&an at breakfast in a week=end &arine hote# had been interru"ted by a bo&b dro""ing into his egg=cu", their wrath and horror knew no bounds (hey dec#ared that this wou#d "ut a new s"irit into the ar&yI and had no sus"icion that the so#diers in the trenches roared with #aughter o$er it for days, and to#d each other that it wou#d do the b#ighters at ho&e good to ha$e a taste of what the ar&y was u" against So&eti&es the s&a##ness of $iew was

"athetic 2 &an wou#d work at ho&e regard#ess of the ca## Tto &ake the wor#d safe for de&ocracy T His brother wou#d be ki##ed at the front 0&&ediate#y he wou#d throw u" his work and take u" the war as a fa&i#y b#ood feud against the Ger&ans So&eti&es it was co&ic 2 wounded &an, entit#ed to his discharge, wou#d return to the trenches with a gri& deter&ination to find the Hun who had wounded hi& and "ay hi& out for it 0t is i&"ossib#e to esti&ate what "ro"ortion of us, in khaki or out of it, gras"ed the war and its "o#itica# antecedents as a who#e in the #ight of any "hi#oso"hy of history or know#edge of what war is 0 doubt whether it was as high as our "ro"ortion of higher &athe&aticians But there can be no doubt that it was "rodigious#y outnu&bered by the co&"arati$e#y ignorant and chi#dish -e&e&ber that these "eo"#e had to be sti&u#ated to &ake the sacrifices de&anded by the war, and that this cou#d not be done by a""ea#s to a know#edge which they did not "ossess, and a co&"rehension of which they were inca"ab#e 'hen the ar&istice at #ast set &e free to te## the truth about the war at the fo##owing genera# e#ection, a so#dier said to a candidate who& 0 was su""orting, T0f 0 had known a## that in 1.1<, they wou#d ne$er ha$e got &e into khaki T 2nd that, of course, was "recise#y why it had been necessary to stuff hi& with a ro&ance that any di"#o&atist wou#d ha$e #aughed at (hus the natura# confusion of ignorance was increased by a de#iberate#y "ro"agated confusion of nursery bogey stories and &e#odra&atic nonsense, which at #ast o$erreached itse#f and &ade it i&"ossib#e to sto" the war before we had not on#y achie$ed the triu&"h of $anDuishing the Ger&an ar&y and thereby o$erthrowing its &i#itarist &onarchy, but &ade the $ery serious &istake of ruining the centre of Euro"e, a thing that no sane Euro"ean State cou#d afford to do

(he )u&b !a"ab#es and the 9oisy 0nca"ab#es !onfronted with this "icture of insensate de#usion and fo##y, the critica# reader wi## i&&ediate#y counter"#ead that Eng#and a## this ti&e was conducting a war which in$o#$ed the organi8ation of se$era# &i##ions of fighting &en and of the workers who were su""#ying the& with "ro$isions, &unitions, and trans"ort, and that this cou#d not ha$e been done by a &ob of hysterica# ranters (his is fortunate#y true (o "ass fro& the news"a"er offices and "o#itica# "#atfor&s and c#ub fenders and suburban drawing=roo&s to the 2r&y and the &unition factories was to "ass fro& Bed#a& to the busiest and sanest of workaday wor#ds 0t was to redisco$er Eng#and, and find so#id ground for the faith of those who sti## be#ie$ed in her But a necessary condition of this efficiency was that those who were efficient shou#d gi$e a## their ti&e to their business and #ea$e the rabb#e ra$ing to its heartNs content 0ndeed the ra$ing was usefu# to the efficient, because, as it was a#ways wide of the &ark, it often distracted attention $ery con$enient#y fro& o"erations that wou#d ha$e been defeated or hindered by "ub#icity 2 "rece"t which 0 endea$ored $ain#y to "o"u#ari8e ear#y in the war, T0f you ha$e anything to do go and do it@ if not, for hea$enNs sake get out of the way,T was on#y ha#f carried out !ertain#y the ca"ab#e "eo"#e went and did itI but the inca"ab#es wou#d by no &eans get out of the way@

they fussed and baw#ed and were on#y "re$ented fro& getting $ery serious#y into the way by the b#essed fact that they ne$er knew where the way was (hus whi#st a## the efficiency of Eng#and was si#ent and in$isib#e, a## its i&beci#ity was deafening the hea$ens with its c#a&or and b#otting out the sun with its dust 0t was a#so unfortunate#y inti&idating the Go$ern&ent by its b#usterings into using the irresistib#e "owers of the State to inti&idate the sensib#e "eo"#e, thus enab#ing a des"icab#e &inority of wou#d=be #ynchers to set u" a reign of terror which cou#d at any ti&e ha$e been broken by a sing#e stern word fro& a res"onsib#e &inister But our &inisters had not that sort of courage@ neither Heartbreak House nor Horseback Ha## had bred it, &uch #ess the suburbs 'hen &atters at #ast ca&e to the #ooting of sho"s by cri&ina#s under "atriotic "retexts, it was the "o#ice force and not the Go$ern&ent that "ut its foot down (here was e$en one de"#orab#e &o&ent, during the sub&arine scare, in which the Go$ern&ent yie#ded to a chi#dish cry for the &a#treat&ent of na$a# "risoners of war, and, to our great disgrace, was forced by the ene&y to beha$e itse#f 2nd yet behind a## this "ub#ic b#undering and &isconduct and futi#e &ischief, the effecti$e Eng#and was carrying on with the &ost for&idab#e ca"acity and acti$ity (he ostensib#e Eng#and was &aking the e&"ire sick with its incontinences, its ignorances, its ferocities, its "anics, and its end#ess and into#erab#e b#arings of 2##ied nationa# anthe&s in season and out (he esoteric Eng#and was "roceeding irresistib#y to the conDuest of Euro"e

(he Practica# Business Ben Q+ro& the beginning the use#ess "eo"#e set u" a shriek for T"ractica# business &en T By this they &eant &en who had beco&e rich by "#acing their "ersona# interests before those of the country, and &easuring the success of e$ery acti$ity by the "ecuniary "rofit it brought to the& and to those on who& they de"ended for their su""#ies of ca"ita# (he "itiab#e fai#ure of so&e cons"icuous sa&"#es fro& the first batch we tried of these "oor de$i#s he#"ed to gi$e the who#e "ub#ic side of the war an air of &onstrous and ho"e#ess farce (hey "ro$ed not on#y that they were use#ess for "ub#ic work, but that in a we##=ordered nation they wou#d ne$er ha$e been a##owed to contro# "ri$ate enter"rise

How the +oo#s shouted the 'ise Ben down (hus, #ike a ferti#e country f#ooded with &ud, Eng#and showed no sign of her greatness in the days when she was "utting forth a## her strength to sa$e herse#f fro& the worst conseDuences of her #itt#eness Bost of the &en of action, occu"ied to the #ast hour of their ti&e with urgent "ractica# work, had to #ea$e to id#er "eo"#e, or to "rofessiona# rhetoricians, the "resentation of the war to the reason and i&agination of the country and the wor#d in s"eeches, "oe&s, &anifestoes, "icture "osters, and news"a"er artic#es 0 ha$e had the "ri$i#ege of hearing so&e of our ab#est co&&anders ta#king about their workI and 0 ha$e shared the co&&on

#ot of reading the accounts of that work gi$en to the wor#d by the news"a"ers 9o two ex"eriences cou#d be &ore different But in the end the ta#kers obtained a dangerous ascendancy o$er the rank and fi#e of the &en of actionI for though the great &en of action are a#ways in$eterate ta#kers and often $ery c#e$er writers, and therefore cannot ha$e their &inds for&ed for the& by others, the a$erage &an of action, #ike the a$erage fighter with the bayonet, can gi$e no account of hi&se#f in words e$en to hi&se#f, and is a"t to "ick u" and acce"t what he reads about hi&se#f and other "eo"#e in the "a"ers, exce"t when the writer is rash enough to co&&it hi&se#f on technica# "oints 0t was not unco&&on during the war to hear a so#dier, or a ci$i#ian engaged on war work, describing e$ents within his own ex"erience that reduced to utter absurdity the ra$ings and &aunderings of his dai#y "a"er, and yet echo the o"inions of that "a"er #ike a "arrot (hus, to esca"e fro& the "re$ai#ing confusion and fo##y, it was not enough to seek the co&"any of the ordinary &an of action@ one had to get into contact with the &aster s"irits (his was a "ri$i#ege which on#y a handfu# of "eo"#e cou#d enjoy +or the un"ri$i#eged citi8en there was no esca"e (o hi& the who#e country see&ed &ad, futi#e, si##y, inco&"etent, with no ho"e of $ictory exce"t the ho"e that the ene&y &ight be just as &ad Cn#y by $ery reso#ute ref#ection and reasoning cou#d he reassure hi&se#f that if there was nothing &ore so#id beneath their a""a##ing a""earances the war cou#d not "ossib#y ha$e gone on for a sing#e day without a tota# breakdown of its organi8ation

(he Bad E#ection Ha""y were the foo#s and the thought#ess &en of action in those days (he worst of it was that the foo#s were $ery strong#y re"resented in "ar#ia&ent, as foo#s not on#y e#ect foo#s, but can "ersuade &en of action to e#ect the& too (he e#ection that i&&ediate#y fo##owed the ar&istice was "erha"s the &addest that has e$er taken "#ace So#diers who had done $o#untary and heroic ser$ice in the fie#d were defeated by "ersons who had a""arent#y ne$er run a risk or s"ent a farthing that they cou#d a$oid, and who e$en had in the course of the e#ection to a"o#ogi8e "ub#ic#y for baw#ing Pacifist or Pro=Ger&an at their o""onent Party #eaders seek such fo##owers, who can a#ways be de"ended on to wa#k ta&e#y into the #obby at the "arty whi"Ns orders, "ro$ided the #eader wi## &ake their seats safe for the& by the "rocess which was ca##ed, in derisi$e reference to the war rationing syste&, Tgi$ing the& the cou"on T Cther incidents were so grotesDue that 0 cannot &ention the& without enab#ing the reader to identify the "arties, which wou#d not be fair, as they were no &ore to b#a&e than thousands of others who &ust necessari#y be na&e#ess (he genera# resu#t was "atent#y absurdI and the e#ectorate, disgusted at its own work, instant#y recoi#ed to the o""osite extre&e, and cast out a## the cou"on candidates at the ear#iest bye=e#ections by eDua##y si##y &ajorities But the &ischief of the genera# e#ection cou#d not be undoneI and the Go$ern&ent had not on#y to "retend to abuse its Euro"ean $ictory as it had "ro&ised, but actua##y to do it by star$ing the ene&ies who had thrown down their ar&s 0t had, in short, won the e#ection by "#edging itse#f to be thrift#ess#y wicked, crue#, and

$indicti$eI and it did not find it as easy to esca"e fro& this "#edge as it had fro& nob#er ones (he end, as 0 write, is not yetI but it is c#ear that this thought#ess sa$agery wi## recoi# on the heads of the 2##ies so se$ere#y that we sha## be forced by the sternest necessity to take u" our share of hea#ing the Euro"e we ha$e wounded a#&ost to death instead of atte&"ting to co&"#ete her destruction

(he Gahoo and the 2ngry 2"e !onte&"#ating this "icture of a state of &ankind so recent that no denia# of its truth is "ossib#e, one understands Shakes"eare co&"aring Ban to an angry a"e, Swift describing hi& as a Gahoo rebuked by the su"erior $irtue of the horse, and 'e##ington dec#aring that the British can beha$e the&se#$es neither in $ictory nor defeat Get none of the three had seen war as we ha$e seen it Shakes"eare b#a&ed great &en, saying that T!ou#d great &en thunder as Jo$e hi&se#f does, Jo$e wou#d neNer be DuietI for e$ery "e#ting "etty officer wou#d use his hea$en for thunder@ nothing but thunder T 'hat wou#d Shakes"eare ha$e said if he had seen so&ething far &ore destructi$e than thunder in the hand of e$ery $i##age #aborer, and found on the Bessines -idge the craters of the nineteen $o#canoes that were #et #oose there at the touch of a finger that &ight ha$e been a chi#dNs finger without the resu#t being a whit #ess ruinousS Shakes"eare &ay ha$e seen a Stratford cottage struck by one of Jo$eNs thunderbo#ts, and ha$e he#"ed to extinguish the #ighted thatch and c#ear away the bits of the broken chi&ney 'hat wou#d he ha$e said if he had seen G"res as it is now, or returned to Stratford, as +rench "easants are returning to their ho&es to=day, to find the o#d fa&i#iar sign"ost inscribed T(o Stratford, 1 &i#e,T and at the end of the &i#e nothing but so&e ho#es in the ground and a frag&ent of a broken churn here and thereS 'ou#d not the s"ectac#e of the angry a"e endowed with "owers of destruction that Jo$e ne$er "retended to, ha$e beggared e$en his co&&and of wordsS 2nd yet, what is there to say exce"t that war "uts a strain on hu&an nature that breaks down the better ha#f of it, and &akes the worse ha#f a diabo#ica# $irtueS Better, for us if it broke it down a#together, for then the war#ike way out of our difficu#ties wou#d be barred to us, and we shou#d take greater care not to get into the& 0n truth, it is, as Byron said, Tnot difficu#t to die,T and enor&ous#y difficu#t to #i$e@ that ex"#ains why, at botto&, "eace is not on#y better than war, but infinite#y &ore arduous )id any hero of the war face the g#orious risk of death &ore bra$e#y than the traitor Bo#o faced the igno&inious certainty of itS Bo#o taught us a## how to die@ can we say that he taught us a## how to #i$eS Hard#y a week "asses now without so&e so#dier who bra$ed death in the fie#d so reck#ess#y that he was decorated or s"ecia##y co&&ended for it, being ha#ed before our &agistrates for ha$ing fai#ed to resist the "a#triest te&"tations of "eace, with no better excuse than the o#d one that Ta &an &ust #i$e T Strange that one who, sooner than do honest work, wi## se## his honor for a bott#e of wine, a $isit to the theatre, and an hour with a strange wo&an, a## obtained by

"assing a worth#ess cheDue, cou#d yet stake his #ife on the &ost des"erate chances of the batt#e=fie#d% )oes it not see& as if, after a##, the g#ory of death were chea"er than the g#ory of #ifeS 0f it is not easier to attain, why do so &any &ore &en attain itS 2t a## e$ents it is c#ear that the kingdo& of the Prince of Peace has not yet beco&e the kingdo& of this wor#d His atte&"ts at in$asion ha$e been resisted far &ore fierce#y than the AaiserNs Successfu# as that resistance has been, it has "i#ed u" a sort of 9ationa# )ebt that is not the #ess o""ressi$e because we ha$e no figures for it and do not intend to "ay it 2 b#ockade that cuts off Tthe grace of our 1ordT is in the #ong run #ess bearab#e than the b#ockades which &ere#y cut off raw &ateria#sI and against that b#ockade our 2r&ada is i&"otent 0n the b#ockaderNs house, he has assured us, there are &any &ansionsI but 0 a& afraid they do not inc#ude either Heartbreak House or Horseback Ha##

P#ague on Both your Houses% Beanwhi#e the Bo#she$ist "icks and "etards are at work on the foundations of both bui#dingsI and though the Bo#she$ists &ay be buried in the ruins, their deaths wi## not sa$e the edifices Enfortunate#y they can be bui#t again 1ike )oubting !ast#e, they ha$e been de&o#ished &any ti&es by successi$e Greathearts, and rebui#t by Si&"#e, S#oth, and Presu&"tion, by +eeb#e Bind and Buch 2fraid, and by a## the jury&en of ,anity +air 2nother generation of Tsecondary educationT at our ancient "ub#ic schoo#s and the chea"er institutions that a"e the& wi## be Duite sufficient to kee" the two going unti# the next war +or the instruction of that generation 0 #ea$e these "ages as a record of what ci$i#ian #ife was during the war@ a &atter on which history is usua##y si#ent +ortunate#y it was a $ery short war 0t is true that the "eo"#e who thought it cou#d not #ast &ore than six &onths were $ery signa##y refuted by the e$ent 2s Sir )oug#as Haig has "ointed out, its 'ater#oos #asted &onths instead of hours But there wou#d ha$e been nothing sur"rising in its #asting thirty years 0f it had not been for the fact that the b#ockade achie$ed the a&a8ing feat of star$ing out Euro"e, which it cou#d not "ossib#y ha$e done had Euro"e been "ro"er#y organi8ed for war, or e$en for "eace, the war wou#d ha$e #asted unti# the be##igerents were so tired of it that they cou#d no #onger be co&"e##ed to co&"e# the&se#$es to go on with it !onsidering its &agnitude, the war of 1.1<=1F wi## certain#y be c#assed as the shortest in history (he end ca&e so sudden#y that the co&batant #itera##y stu&b#ed o$er itI and yet it ca&e a fu## year #ater than it shou#d ha$e co&e if the be##igerents had not been far too afraid of one another to face the situation sensib#y Ger&any, ha$ing fai#ed to "ro$ide for the war she began, fai#ed again to surrender before she was dangerous#y exhausted Her o""onents, eDua##y i&"ro$ident, went as &uch too c#ose to bankru"tcy as Ger&any to star$ation 0t was a b#uff at which both were b#uffed 2nd, with the usua# irony of war, it re&ains doubtfu# whether Ger&any and -ussia, the defeated, wi## not be the gainersI for the $ictors are a#ready busy fastening on the&se#$es the chains they ha$e struck fro& the #i&bs of the $anDuished

How the (heatre fared 1et us now contract our $iew rather $io#ent#y fro& the Euro"ean theatre of war to the theatre in which the fights are sha& fights, and the s#ain, rising the &o&ent the curtain has fa##en, go co&fortab#y ho&e to su""er after washing off their rose="ink wounds 0t is near#y twenty years since 0 was #ast ob#iged to introduce a "#ay in the for& of a book for #ack of an o""ortunity of "resenting it in its "ro"er &ode by a "erfor&ance in a theatre (he war has thrown &e back on this ex"edient Heartbreak House has not yet reached the stage 0 ha$e withhe#d it because the war has co&"#ete#y u"set the econo&ic conditions which for&er#y enab#ed serious dra&a to "ay its way in 1ondon (he change is not in the theatres nor in the &anage&ent of the&, nor in the authors and actors, but in the audiences +or four years the 1ondon theatres were crowded e$ery night with thousands of so#diers on #ea$e fro& the front (hese so#diers were not seasoned 1ondon "#aygoers 2 chi#dish ex"erience of &y own ga$e &e a c#ue to their condition 'hen 0 was a s&a## boy 0 was taken to the o"era 0 did not then know what an o"era was, though 0 cou#d whist#e a good dea# of o"era &usic 0 had seen in &y &otherNs a#bu& "hotogra"hs of a## the great o"era singers, &ost#y in e$ening dress 0n the theatre 0 found &yse#f before a gi#ded ba#cony fi##ed with "ersons in e$ening dress who& 0 took to be the o"era singers 0 "icked out one &assi$e dark #ady as 2#boni, and wondered how soon she wou#d stand u" and sing 0 was "u88#ed by the fact that 0 was &ade to sit with &y back to the singers instead of facing the& 'hen the curtain went u", &y astonish&ent and de#ight were unbounded

(he So#dier at the (heatre +ront 0n 1.13, 0 saw in the theatres &en in khaki in just the sa&e "redica&ent (o e$eryone who had &y c#ue to their state of &ind it was e$ident that they had ne$er been in a theatre before and did not know what it was 2t one of our great $ariety theatres 0 sat beside a young officer, not at a## a rough s"eci&en, who, e$en when the curtain rose and en#ightened hi& as to the "#ace where he had to #ook for his entertain&ent, found the dra&atic "art of it utter#y inco&"rehensib#e He did not know how to "#ay his "art of the ga&e He cou#d understand the "eo"#e on the stage singing and dancing and "erfor&ing gy&nastic feats He not on#y understood but intense#y enjoyed an artist who i&itated cocks crowing and "igs sDueaking But the "eo"#e who "retended that they were so&ebody e#se, and that the "ainted "icture behind the& was rea#, bewi#dered hi& 0n his "resence 0 rea#i8ed how $ery so"histicated the natura# &an has to beco&e before the con$entions of the theatre can be easi#y acce"tab#e, or the "ur"ose of the dra&a ob$ious to hi& 'e##, fro& the &o&ent when the routine of #ea$e for our so#diers was estab#ished, such no$ices, acco&"anied by da&se#s 5ca##ed f#a""ers6 often as innocent as the&se#$es, crowded the theatres

to the doors 0t was hard#y "ossib#e at first to find stuff crude enough to nurse the& on (he best &usic=ha## co&edians ransacked their &e&ories for the o#dest Dui"s and the &ost chi#dish antics to a$oid carrying the &i#itary s"ectators out of their de"th 0 be#ie$e that this was a &istake as far as the no$ices were concerned Shakes"eare, or the dra&ati8ed histories of George Barnwe##, Baria Bartin, or the )e&on Barber of +#eet Street, wou#d "robab#y ha$e been Duite "o"u#ar with the& But the no$ices were on#y a &inority after a## (he cu#ti$ated so#dier, who in ti&e of "eace wou#d #ook at nothing theatrica# exce"t the &ost ad$anced "ost0bsen "#ays in the &ost artistic settings, found hi&se#f, to his own astonish&ent, thirsting for si##y jokes, dances, and brain#ess#y sensuous exhibitions of "retty gir#s (he author of so&e of the &ost gri&#y serious "#ays of our ti&e to#d &e that after enduring the trenches for &onths without a g#i&"se of the fe&a#e of his s"ecies, it ga$e hi& an entire#y innocent but de#ightfu# "#easure &ere#y to see a f#a""er (he reaction fro& the batt#e=fie#d "roduced a condition of hy"eraesthesia in which a## the theatrica# $a#ues were a#tered (ri$ia# things gained intensity and sta#e things no$e#ty (he actor, instead of ha$ing to coax his audiences out of the boredo& which had dri$en the& to the theatre in an i## hu&or to seek so&e sort of distraction, had on#y to ex"#oit the b#iss of s&i#ing &en who were no #onger under fire and under &i#itary disci"#ine, but actua##y c#ean and co&fortab#e and in a &ood to be "#eased with anything and e$erything that a be$y of "retty gir#s and a funny &an, or e$en a be$y of gir#s "retending to be "retty and a &an "retending to be funny, cou#d do for the& (hen cou#d be seen e$ery night in the theatres o#dfashioned farcica# co&edies, in which a bedroo&, with four doors on each side and a "racticab#e window in the &idd#e, was understood to rese&b#e exact#y the bedroo& in the f#ats beneath and abo$e, a## three inhabited by cou"#es consu&ed with jea#ousy 'hen these "eo"#e ca&e ho&e drunk at nightI &istook their neighborNs f#ats for their ownI and in due course got into the wrong beds, it was not on#y the no$ices who found the resu#ting co&"#ications and scanda#s exDuisite#y ingenious and a&using, nor their eDua##y $erdant f#a""ers who cou#d not he#" sDuea#ing in a &anner that astonished the o#dest "erfor&ers when the gent#e&an who had just co&e in drunk through the window "retended to undress, and a##owed g#i&"ses of his naked "erson to be descried fro& ti&e to ti&e

Heartbreak House Ben who had just read the news that !har#es 'yndha& was dying, and were thereby sad#y re&inded of Pink )o&inos and the torrent of farcica# co&edies that fo##owed it in his heyday unti# e$ery trick of that trade had beco&e so sta#e that the #aughter they "ro$oked turned to #oathing@ these $eterans a#so, when they returned fro& the fie#d, were as &uch "#eased by what they knew to be sta#e and foo#ish as the no$ices by what they thought fresh and c#e$er

!o&&erce in the (heatre 'e##ington said that an ar&y &o$es on its be##y So does a 1ondon theatre Before a &an acts he &ust eat Before he "erfor&s "#ays he &ust "ay rent 0n 1ondon we ha$e no theatres for the we#fare of the "eo"#e@ they are a## for the so#e "ur"ose of "roducing the ut&ost obtainab#e rent for the "ro"rietor 0f the twin f#ats and twin beds "roduce a guinea &ore than Shakes"eare, out goes Shakes"eare and in co&e the twin f#ats and the twin beds 0f the brain#ess be$y of "retty gir#s and the funny &an outbid Bo8art, out goes Bo8art

Enser Shakes"eare Before the war an effort was &ade to re&edy this by estab#ishing a nationa# theatre in ce#ebration of the tercentenary of the death of Shakes"eare 2 co&&ittee was for&edI and a## sorts of i##ustrious and inf#uentia# "ersons #ent their na&es to a grand a""ea# to our nationa# cu#ture By "#ay, (he )ark 1ady of (he Sonnets, was one of the incidents of that a""ea# 2fter so&e years of effort the resu#t was a sing#e handso&e subscri"tion fro& a Ger&an gent#e&an 1ike the ce#ebrated swearer in the anecdote when the cart containing a## his househo#d goods #ost its tai#board at the to" of the hi## and #et its contents ro## in ruin to the botto&, 0 can on#y say, T0 cannot do justice to this situation,T and #et it "ass without another word

(he Higher )ra&a "ut out of 2ction (he effect of the war on the 1ondon theatres &ay now be i&agined (he beds and the be$ies dro$e e$ery higher for& of art out of it -ents went u" to an un"recedented figure 2t the sa&e ti&e "rices doub#ed e$erywhere exce"t at the theatre "ay=boxes, and raised the ex"enses of &anage&ent to such a degree that un#ess the houses were Duite fu## e$ery night, "rofit was i&"ossib#e E$en bare so#$ency cou#d not be attained without a $ery wide "o"u#arity 9ow what had &ade serious dra&a "ossib#e to a #i&ited extent before the war was that a "#ay cou#d "ay its way e$en if the theatre were on#y ha#f fu## unti# Saturday and three=Duarters fu## then 2 &anager who was an enthusiast and a des"erate#y hard worker, with an occasiona# grant=in=aid fro& an artistica##y dis"osed &i##ionaire, and a due "ro"ortion of those rare and ha""y accidents by which "#ays of the higher sort turn out to be "otboi#ers as we##, cou#d ho#d out for so&e years, by which ti&e a re#ay &ight arri$e in the "erson of another enthusiast (hus and not otherwise occurred that re&arkab#e re$i$a# of the British dra&a at the beginning of the century which &ade &y own career as a "#aywright "ossib#e in Eng#and 0n 2&erica 0 had a#ready estab#ished &yse#f, not as "art of the ordinary theatre syste&, but in association with the exce"tiona# genius of -ichard Bansfie#d 0n Ger&any and 2ustria 0 had no difficu#ty@ the syste& of "ub#ic#y aided theatres there, !ourt and Bunici"a#, ke"t dra&a of the kind 0 dea#t in a#i$eI so that 0 was indebted to the

E&"eror of 2ustria for &agnificent "roductions of &y works at a ti&e when the so#e officia# attention "aid &e by the British !ourts was the announce&ent to the Eng#ish=s"eaking wor#d that certain "#ays of &ine were unfit for "ub#ic "erfor&ance, a substantia# set=off against this being that the British !ourt, in the course of its "ri$ate "#aygoing, "aid no regard to the bad character gi$en &e by the chief officer of its househo#d Howbeit, the fact that &y "#ays effected a #odg&ent on the 1ondon stage, and were "resent#y fo##owed by the "#ays of Gran$i##e Barker, Gi#bert Burray, John Basefie#d, St John Hankin, 1awrence Hous&an, 2rno#d Bennett, John Ga#sworthy, John )rinkwater, and others which wou#d in the nineteenth century ha$e stood rather #ess chance of "roduction at a 1ondon theatre than the )ia#ogues of P#ato, not to &ention re$i$a#s of the ancient 2thenian dra&a and a restoration to the stage of Shakes"eareNs "#ays as he wrote the&, was &ade econo&ica##y "ossib#e so#e#y by a su""#y of theatres which cou#d ho#d near#y twice as &uch &oney as it cost to rent and &aintain the& 0n such theatres work a""ea#ing to a re#ati$e#y s&a## c#ass of cu#ti$ated "ersons, and therefore attracting on#y fro& ha#f to three=Duarters as &any s"ectators as the &ore "o"u#ar "asti&es, cou#d ne$erthe#ess kee" going in the hands of young ad$enturers who were doing it for its own sake, and had not yet been forced by ad$ancing age and res"onsibi#ities to consider the co&&ercia# $a#ue of their ti&e and energy too c#ose#y (he war struck this foundation away in the &anner 0 ha$e just described (he ex"enses of running the chea"est west=end theatres rose to a su& which exceeded by twenty=fi$e "er cent the ut&ost that the higher dra&a can, as an ascertained &atter of fact, be de"ended on to draw (hus the higher dra&a, which has ne$er rea##y been a co&&ercia##y sound s"ecu#ation, now beca&e an i&"ossib#e one 2ccording#y, atte&"ts are being &ade to "ro$ide a refuge for it in suburban theatres in 1ondon and re"ertory theatres in the "ro$inces But at the &o&ent when the ar&y has at #ast disgorged the sur$i$ors of the ga##ant band of dra&atic "ioneers who& it swa##owed, they find that the econo&ic conditions which for&er#y &ade their work no worse than "recarious now "ut it out of the Duestion a#together, as far as the west end of 1ondon is concerned

!hurch and (heatre 0 do not su""ose &any "eo"#e care "articu#ar#y 'e are not brought u" to careI and a sense of the nationa# i&"ortance of the theatre is not born in &ankind@ the natura# &an, #ike so &any of the so#diers at the beginning of the war, does not know what a theatre is But "#ease note that a## these so#diers who did not know what a theatre was, knew what a church was 2nd they had been taught to res"ect churches 9obody had e$er warned the& against a church as a "#ace where fri$o#ous wo&en "araded in their best c#othesI where stories of i&"ro"er fe&a#es #ike Poti"harNs wife, and erotic "oetry #ike the Song of Songs, were read a#oudI where the sensuous and senti&enta# &usic of Schubert, Bende#ssohn, Gounod, and Brah&s was &ore "o"u#ar than se$ere &usic by greater co&"osersI where the "rettiest sort of "retty "ictures of "retty saints assai#ed the i&agination and senses

through stained=g#ass windowsI and where scu#"ture and architecture ca&e to the he#" of "ainting 9obody e$er re&inded the& that these things had so&eti&es "roduced such de$e#o"&ents of erotic ido#atry that &en who were not on#y enthusiastic a&ateurs of #iterature, "ainting, and &usic, but fa&ous "ractitioners of the&, had actua##y exu#ted when &obs and e$en regu#ar troo"s under ex"ress co&&and had &uti#ated church statues, s&ashed church windows, wrecked church organs, and torn u" the sheets fro& which the church &usic was read and sung 'hen they saw broken statues in churches, they were to#d that this was the work of wicked, god#ess rioters, instead of, as it was, the work "art#y of 8ea#ots bent on dri$ing the wor#d, the f#esh, and the de$i# out of the te&"#e, and "art#y of insurgent &en who had beco&e into#erab#y "oor because the te&"#e had beco&e a den of thie$es But a## the sins and "er$ersions that were so carefu##y hidden fro& the& in the history of the !hurch were #aid on the shou#ders of the (heatre@ that stuffy, unco&fortab#e "#ace of "enance in which we suffer so &uch incon$enience on the s#enderest chance of gaining a scra" of food for our star$ing sou#s 'hen the Ger&ans bo&bed the !athedra# of -hei&s the wor#d rang with the horror of the sacri#ege 'hen they bo&bed the 1itt#e (heatre in the 2de#"hi, and narrow#y &issed bo&bing two writers of "#ays who #i$ed within a few yards of it, the fact was not e$en &entioned in the "a"ers 0n "oint of a""ea# to the senses no theatre e$er bui#t cou#d touch the fane at -hei&s@ no actress cou#d ri$a# its ,irgin in beauty, nor any o"eratic tenor #ook otherwise than a foo# beside its )a$id 0ts "icture g#ass was g#orious e$en to those who had seen the g#ass of !hartres 0t was wonderfu# in its $ery grotesDues@ who wou#d #ook at the B#ondin )onkey after seeing its #e$iathansS 0n s"ite of the 2da&=2de#"hian decoration on which Biss Aingston had #a$ished so &uch taste and care, the 1itt#e (heatre was in co&"arison with -hei&s the g#oo&iest of #itt#e con$entic#es@ indeed the cathedra# &ust, fro& the Puritan "oint of $iew, ha$e debauched a &i##ion $o#u"tuaries for e$ery one who& the 1itt#e (heatre had sent ho&e thoughtfu# to a chaste bed after Br !hestertonNs Bagic or BrieuxNs 1es 2$aries Perha"s that is the rea# reason why the !hurch is #auded and the (heatre re$i#ed 'hether or no, the fact re&ains that the #ady to whose "ub#ic s"irit and sense of the nationa# $a#ue of the theatre 0 owed the first regu#ar "ub#ic "erfor&ance of a "#ay of &ine had to concea# her action as if it had been a cri&e, whereas if she had gi$en the &oney to the !hurch she wou#d ha$e worn a ha#o for it 2nd 0 ad&it, as 0 ha$e a#ways done, that this state of things &ay ha$e been a $ery sensib#e one 0 ha$e asked 1ondoners again and again why they "ay ha#f a guinea to go to a theatre when they can go to St Pau#Ns or 'est&inster 2bbey for nothing (heir on#y "ossib#e re"#y is that they want to see so&ething new and "ossib#y so&ething wickedI but the theatres &ost#y disa""oint both ho"es 0f e$er a re$o#ution &akes &e )ictator, 0 sha## estab#ish a hea$y charge for ad&ission to our churches But e$eryone who "ays at the church door sha## recei$e a ticket entit#ing hi& or her to free ad&ission to one "erfor&ance at any theatre he or she "refers (hus sha## the sensuous char&s of the church ser$ice be &ade to subsidi8e the sterner $irtue of the dra&a

(he 9ext Phase (he "resent situation wi## not #ast 2#though the news"a"er 0 read at breakfast this &orning before writing these words contains a ca#cu#ation that no #ess than twenty=three wars are at "resent being waged to confir& the "eace, Eng#and is no #onger in khakiI and a $io#ent reaction is setting in against the crude theatrica# fare of the four terrib#e years Soon the rents of theatres wi## once &ore be fixed on the assu&"tion that they cannot a#ways be fu##, nor e$en on the a$erage ha#f fu## week in and week out Prices wi## change (he higher dra&a wi## be at no greater disad$antage than it was before the warI and it &ay benefit, first, by the fact that &any of us ha$e been torn fro& the foo#sN "aradise in which the theatre for&er#y traded, and thrust u"on the sternest rea#ities and necessities unti# we ha$e #ost both faith in and "atience with the theatrica# "retences that had no root either in rea#ity or necessityI second, by the start#ing change &ade by the war in the distribution of inco&e 0t see&s on#y the other day that a &i##ionaire was a &an with 34,444 a year (o=day, when he has "aid his inco&e tax and su"er tax, and insured his #ife for the a&ount of his death duties, he is #ucky if his net inco&e is 14,444 "ounds though his no&ina# "ro"erty re&ains the sa&e 2nd this is the resu#t of a Budget which is ca##ed Ta res"ite for the rich T 2t the other end of the sca#e &i##ions of "ersons ha$e had regu#ar inco&es for the first ti&e in their #i$esI and their &en ha$e been regu#ar#y c#othed, fed, #odged, and taught to &ake u" their &inds that certain things ha$e to be done, a#so for the first ti&e in their #i$es Hundreds of thousands of wo&en ha$e been taken out of their do&estic cages and tasted both disci"#ine and inde"endence (he thought#ess and snobbish &idd#e c#asses ha$e been "u##ed u" short by the $ery un"#easant ex"erience of being ruined to an un"recedented extent 'e ha$e a## had a tre&endous jo#tI and a#though the wides"read notion that the shock of the war wou#d auto&atica##y &ake a new hea$en and a new earth, and that the dog wou#d ne$er go back to his $o&it nor the sow to her wa##owing in the &ire, is a#ready seen to be a de#usion, yet we are far &ore conscious of our condition than we were, and far #ess dis"osed to sub&it to it -e$o#ution, #ate#y on#y a sensationa# cha"ter in history or a de&agogic c#a"tra", is now a "ossibi#ity so i&&inent that hard#y by trying to su""ress it in other countries by ar&s and defa&ation, and ca##ing the "rocess anti=Bo#she$is&, can our Go$ern&ent sta$e it off at ho&e Perha"s the &ost tragic figure of the day is the 2&erican President who was once a historian 0n those days it beca&e his task to te## us how, after that great war in 2&erica which was &ore c#ear#y than any other war of our ti&e a war for an idea, the conDuerors, confronted with a heroic task of reconstruction, turned recreant, and s"ent fifteen years in abusing their $ictory under co$er of "retending to acco&"#ish the task they were doing what they cou#d to &ake i&"ossib#e 2#as% Hege# was right when he said that we #earn fro& history that &en ne$er #earn anything fro& history 'ith what anguish of &ind the President sees that we, the new conDuerors, forgetting e$erything we "rofessed to fight for, are sitting down with watering &ouths to a good sDuare &ea# of ten years re$enge u"on and hu&i#iation of our "rostrate foe, can on#y be guessed by those who know, as he does, how

ho"e#ess is re&onstrance, and how ha""y 1inco#n was in "erishing fro& the earth before his ins"ired &essages beca&e scra"s of "a"er He knows we## that fro& the Peace !onference wi## co&e, in s"ite of his ut&ost, no edict on which he wi## be ab#e, #ike 1inco#n, to in$oke Tthe considerate judg&ent of &ankind@ and the gracious fa$or of 2#&ighty God T He #ed his "eo"#e to destroy the &i#itaris& of XabernI and the ar&y they rescued is busy in !o#ogne i&"risoning e$ery Ger&an who does not sa#ute a British officerI whi#st the go$ern&ent at ho&e, asked whether it a""ro$es, re"#ies that it does not "ro"ose e$en to discontinue this Xabernis& when the Peace is conc#uded, but in effect #ooks forward to &aking Ger&ans sa#ute British officers unti# the end of the wor#d (hat is what war &akes of &en and wo&en 0t wi## wear offI and the worst it threatens is a#ready "ro$ing i&"racticab#eI but before the hu&b#e and contrite heart ceases to be des"ised, the President and 0, being of the sa&e age, wi## be dotards 0n the &eanti&e there is, for hi&, another history to writeI for &e, another co&edy to stage Perha"s, after a##, that is what wars are for, and what historians and "#aywrights are for 0f &en wi## not #earn unti# their #essons are written in b#ood, why, b#ood they &ust ha$e, their own for "reference

(he E"he&era# (hrones and the Eterna# (heatre (o the theatre it wi## not &atter 'hate$er Basti##es fa##, the theatre wi## stand 2"osto#ic Ha"sburg has co##a"sedI 2## Highest Hohen8o##ern #anguishes in Ho##and, threatened with tria# on a ca"ita# charge of fighting for his country against Eng#andI 0&"eria# -o&anoff, said to ha$e "erished &iserab#y by a &ore su&&ary &ethod of &urder, is "erha"s a#i$e or "erha"s dead@ nobody cares &ore than if he had been a "easantI the #ord of He##as is #e$e# with his #ackeys in re"ub#ican Swit8er#andI Pri&e Binisters and !o&&anders=in=!hief ha$e "assed fro& a brief g#ory as So#ons and !aesars into fai#ure and obscurity as c#ose#y on one anotherNs hee#s as the descendants of BanDuoI but Euri"ides and 2risto"hanes, Shakes"eare and Bo#iere, Goethe and 0bsen re&ain fixed in their e$er#asting seats

How 'ar &u88#es the )ra&atic Poet 2s for &yse#f, why, it &ay be asked, did 0 not write two "#ays about the war instead of two "a&"h#ets on itS (he answer is significant Gou cannot &ake war on war and on your neighbor at the sa&e ti&e 'ar cannot bear the terrib#e castigation of co&edy, the ruth#ess #ight of #aughter that g#ares on the stage 'hen &en are heroica##y dying for their country, it is not the ti&e to show their #o$ers and wi$es and fathers and &others how they are being sacrificed to the b#unders of boobies, the cu"idity of ca"ita#ists, the a&bition of conDuerors, the e#ectioneering of de&agogues, the Pharisais& of "atriots, the #usts and #ies and rancors and b#oodthirsts that #o$e war because it o"ens their "rison doors, and sets the& in the thrones of "ower and "o"u#arity +or un#ess these things are &erci#ess#y ex"osed they wi## hide under the &ant#e of the idea#s on the

stage just as they do in rea# #ife 2nd though there &ay be better things to re$ea#, it &ay not, and indeed cannot, be &i#itari#y ex"edient to re$ea# the& whi#st the issue is sti## in the ba#ance (ruth te##ing is not co&"atib#e with the defence of the rea#& 'e are just now reading the re$e#ations of our genera#s and ad&ira#s, un&u88#ed at #ast by the ar&istice )uring the war, Genera# 2, in his &o$ing des"atches fro& the fie#d, to#d how Genera# B had co$ered hi&se#f with death#ess g#ory in such and such a batt#e He now te##s us that Genera# B ca&e within an ace of #osing us the war by disobeying his orders on that occasion, and fighting instead of running away as he ought to ha$e done 2n exce##ent subject for co&edy now that the war is o$er, no doubtI but if Genera# 2 had #et this out at the ti&e, what wou#d ha$e been the effect on Genera# BNs so#diersS 2nd had the stage &ade known what the Pri&e Binister and the Secretary of State for 'ar who o$erru#ed Genera# 2 thought of hi&, and what he thought of the&, as now re$ea#ed in raging contro$ersy, what wou#d ha$e been the effect on the nationS (hat is why co&edy, though sore#y te&"ted, had to be #oya##y si#entI for the art of the dra&atic "oet knows no "atriotis&I recogni8es no ob#igation but truth to natura# historyI cares not whether Ger&any or Eng#and "erishI is ready to cry with Brynhi#d, T1assNuns $erderben, #achend 8u grunde gehNnT sooner than decei$e or be decei$edI and thus beco&es in ti&e of war a greater &i#itary danger than "oison, stee#, or trinitroto#uene (hat is why 0 had to withho#d Heartbreak House fro& the foot#ights during the warI for the Ger&ans &ight on any night ha$e turned the #ast act fro& "#ay into earnest, and e$en then &ight not ha$e waited for their cues June, 1.1.

HE2-(B-E2A HCESE 2!( 0 (he hi##y country in the &idd#e of the north edge of Sussex, #ooking $ery "#easant on a fine e$ening at the end of Se"te&ber, is seen through the windows of a roo& which has been bui#t so as to rese&b#e the after "art of an o#d=fashioned high="oo"ed shi", with a stern ga##eryI for the windows are shi" bui#t with hea$y ti&bering, and run right across the roo& as continuous#y as the stabi#ity of the wa## a##ows 2 row of #ockers under the windows "ro$ides an unu"ho#stered windowseat interru"ted by twin g#ass doors, res"ecti$e#y ha#fway between the stern "ost and the sides 2nother door strains the i##usion a #itt#e by being a""arent#y in the shi"Ns "ort side, and yet #eading, not to the o"en sea, but to the entrance ha## of the house Between this door and the stern ga##ery are bookshe#$es (here are e#ectric #ight switches beside the door #eading to the ha## and the g#ass doors in the stern ga##ery 2gainst the starboard wa## is a car"enterNs bench (he $ice has a board in its jawsI and the f#oor is #ittered with sha$ings, o$erf#owing fro& a waste="a"er basket 2 cou"#e of "#anes and a centrebit are on the bench 0n the sa&e wa##, between the bench and the windows, is a narrow doorway with a

ha#f door, abo$e which a g#i&"se of the roo& beyond shows that it is a she#$ed "antry with bott#es and kitchen crockery Cn the starboard side, but c#ose to the &idd#e, is a "#ain oak drawing=tab#e with drawing=board, (=sDuare, straightedges, set sDuares, &athe&atica# instru&ents, saucers of water co#or, a tu&b#er of disco#ored water, 0ndian ink, "enci#s, and brushes on it (he drawing=board is set so that the draughts&anNs chair has the window on its #eft hand Cn the f#oor at the end of the tab#e, on its right, is a shi"Ns fire bucket Cn the "ort side of the roo&, near the bookshe#$es, is a sofa with its back to the windows 0t is a sturdy &ahogany artic#e, odd#y u"ho#stered in sai#c#oth, inc#uding the bo#ster, with a cou"#e of b#ankets hanging o$er the back Between the sofa and the drawing=tab#e is a big wicker chair, with broad ar&s and a #ow s#o"ing back, with its back to the #ight 2 s&a## but stout tab#e of teak, with a round to" and gate #egs, stands against the "ort wa## between the door and the bookcase 0t is the on#y artic#e in the roo& that suggests 5not at a## con$incing#y6 a wo&anNs hand in the furnishing (he uncar"eted f#oor of narrow boards is cau#ked and ho#ystoned #ike a deck (he garden to which the g#ass doors #ead di"s to the south before the #andsca"e rises again to the hi##s E&erging fro& the ho##ow is the cu"o#a of an obser$atory Between the obser$atory and the house is a f#agstaff on a #itt#e es"#anade, with a ha&&ock on the east side and a #ong garden seat on the west 2 young #ady, g#o$ed and hatted, with a dust coat on, is sitting in the window=seat with her body twisted to enab#e her to #ook out at the $iew Cne hand "ro"s her chin@ the other hangs down with a $o#u&e of the (e&"#e Shakes"eare in it, and her finger stuck in the "age she has been reading 2 c#ock strikes six (he young #ady turns and #ooks at her watch She rises with an air of one who waits, and is a#&ost at the end of her "atience She is a "retty gir#, s#ender, fair, and inte##igent #ooking, nice#y but not ex"ensi$e#y dressed, e$ident#y not a s&art id#er 'ith a sigh of weary resignation she co&es to the draughts&anNs chairI sits downI and begins to read Shakes"eare Present#y the book sinks to her #a"I her eyes c#oseI and she do8es into a s#u&ber 2n e#der#y wo&anser$ant co&es in fro& the ha## with three uno"ened bott#es of ru& on a tray She "asses through and disa""ears in the "antry without noticing the young #ady She "#aces the bott#es on the she#f and fi##s her tray with e&"ty bott#es 2s she returns with these, the young #ady #ets her book dro", awakening herse#f, and start#ing the wo&anser$ant so that she a## but #ets the tray fa## (HE 'CB29SE-,29( God b#ess us% :(he young #ady "icks u" the book and "#aces it on the tab#e; Sorry to wake you, &iss, 0N& sureI but you are a stranger to &e 'hat &ight you be waiting here for nowS

(HE GCE9G 12)G 'aiting for so&ebody to show so&e signs of knowing that 0 ha$e been in$ited here (HE 'CB29SE-,29( Ch, youNre in$ited, are youS 2nd has nobody co&eS )ear% dear% (HE GCE9G 12)G 2 wi#d=#ooking o#d gent#e&an ca&e and #ooked in at the windowI and 0 heard hi& ca##ing out, T9urse, there is a young and attracti$e fe&a#e waiting in the "oo" Go and see what she wants T 2re you the nurseS (HE 'CB29SE-,29( Ges, &iss@ 0N& 9urse Guinness (hat was o#d !a"tain Shoto$er, Brs HushabyeNs father 0 heard hi& roaringI but 0 thought it was for so&ething e#se 0 su""ose it was Brs Hushabye that in$ited you, duckyS (HE GCE9G 12)G better go 0 understood her to do so But rea##y 0 think 0Nd

9E-SE GE099ESS Ch, donNt think of such a thing, &iss 0f Brs Hushabye has forgotten a## about it, it wi## be a "#easant sur"rise for her to see you, wonNt itS (HE GCE9G 12)G 0t has been a $ery un"#easant sur"rise to &e to find that nobody ex"ects &e 9E-SE GE099ESS GouN## get used to it, &iss@ this house is fu## of sur"rises for the& that donNt know our ways !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :#ooking in fro& the ha## sudden#y@ an ancient but sti## hardy &an with an i&&ense white beard, in a reefer jacket with a whist#e hanging fro& his neck; 9urse, there is a ho#d=a## and a handbag on the front ste"s for e$erybody to fa## o$er 2#so a tennis racDuet 'ho the de$i# #eft the& thereS (HE GCE9G 12)G (hey are &ine, 0N& afraid 9urse, who is this

(2E !2P(209 :ad$ancing to the drawing=tab#e; &isguided and unfortunate young #adyS 9E-SE GE099ESS

She says Biss Hessy in$ited her, sir

(HE !2P(209 2nd had she no friend, no "arents, to warn her against &y daughterNs in$itationsS (his is a "retty sort of house, by hea$ens% 2 young and attracti$e #ady is in$ited here Her #uggage is #eft on the ste"s for hoursI and she herse#f is de"osited in the "oo" and abandoned, tired and star$ing (his is our hos"ita#ity (hese are our &anners 9o roo& ready 9o hot water 9o we#co&ing hostess Cur $isitor is to s#ee" in the too#shed, and to wash in the duck"ond 9E-SE GE099ESS 9ow itNs a## right, !a"tain@ 0N## get the #ady so&e teaI and her roo& sha## be ready before she has finished it :(o the young #ady; (ake off your hat, duckyI and &ake yourse#f at ho&e :she goes to the door #eading to the ha##; (HE !2P(209 :as she "asses hi&; )ucky% )o you su""ose, wo&an,

that because this young #ady has been insu#ted and neg#ected, you ha$e the right to address her as you address &y wretched chi#dren, who& you ha$e brought u" in ignorance of the co&&onest decencies of socia# intercourseS 9E-SE GE099ESS 9e$er &ind hi&, doty :Uuite unconcerned, she goes out into the ha## on her way to the kitchen; (HE !2P(209 Bada&, wi## you fa$or &e with your na&eS :He sits down in the big wicker chair; (HE GCE9G 12)G By na&e is E##ie )unn

(HE !2P(209 )unn% 0 had a boatswain whose na&e was )unn He was origina##y a "irate in !hina He set u" as a shi"Ns chand#er with stores which 0 ha$e e$ery reason to be#ie$e he sto#e fro& &e 9o doubt he beca&e rich 2re you his daughterS E110E :indignant; 9o, certain#y not 0 a& "roud to be ab#e to say that though &y father has not been a successfu# &an, nobody has e$er had one word to say against hi& 0 think &y father is the best &an 0 ha$e e$er known (HE !2P(209 He &ust be great#y changed se$enth degree of concentrationS E110E 0 donNt understand Has he attained the

(HE !2P(209 But how cou#d he, with a daughterS 0, &ada&, ha$e two daughters Cne of the& is Hesione Hushabye, who in$ited you here 0 kee" this house@ she u"sets it 0 desire to attain the se$enth degree of concentration@ she in$ites $isitors and #ea$es &e to entertain the& :9urse Guinness returns with the tea=tray, which she "#aces on the teak tab#e; 0 ha$e a second daughter who is, thank God, in a re&ote "art of the E&"ire with her nu&sku## of a husband 2s a chi#d she thought the figure=head of &y shi", the )aunt#ess, the &ost beautifu# thing on earth He rese&b#ed it He had the sa&e ex"ression@ wooden yet enter"rising She &arried hi&, and wi## ne$er set foot in this house again 9E-SE GE099ESS :carrying the tab#e, with the tea=things on it, to E##ieNs side; 0ndeed you ne$er were &ore &istaken She is in Eng#and this $ery &o&ent Gou ha$e been to#d three ti&es this week that she is co&ing ho&e for a year for her hea#th 2nd $ery g#ad you shou#d be to see your own daughter again after a## these years (HE !2P(209 0 a& not g#ad (he natura# ter& of the affection of the hu&an ani&a# for its offs"ring is six years By daughter 2riadne was born when 0 was forty=six 0 a& now eighty=eight 0f she co&es, 0 a& not at ho&e 0f she wants anything, #et her take it 0f she asks for &e, #et her be infor&ed that 0 a& extre&e#y o#d, and ha$e tota##y forgotten her 9E-SE GE099ESS (hatNs no ta#k to offer to a young #ady Here, ducky, ha$e so&e teaI and donNt #isten to hi& :she "ours out a cu" of tea;

(HE !2P(209 :rising wrathfu##y; 9ow before high hea$en they ha$e gi$en this innocent chi#d 0ndian tea@ the stuff they tan their own #eather insides with :He sei8es the cu" and the tea="ot and e&"ties both into the #eathern bucket; E110E :a#&ost in tears; been g#ad of anything 9E-SE GE099ESS dro" Ch, "#ease% 0 a& so tired 0 shou#d ha$e

Ch, what a thing to do% (he "oor #a&b is ready to

(HE !2P(209 Gou sha## ha$e so&e of &y tea )o not touch that f#y=b#own cake@ nobody eats it here exce"t the dogs :He disa""ears into the "antry; 9E-SE GE099ESS (hereNs a &an for you% (hey say he so#d hi&se#f to the de$i# in Xan8ibar before he was a ca"tainI and the o#der he grows the &ore 0 be#ie$e the& 2 'CB29NS ,C0!E :in the ha##; 0s anyone at ho&eS Hesione% 9urse% Pa"a% )o co&e, so&ebodyI and take in &y #uggage (hu&"ing heard, as of an u&bre##a, on the wainscot 9E-SE GE099ESS By gracious% 0tNs Biss 2ddy, 1ady Etterword, Brs HushabyeNs sister@ the one 0 to#d the ca"tain about :!a##ing; !o&ing, Biss, co&ing She carries the tab#e back to its "#ace by the door and is harrying out when she is interce"ted by 1ady Etterword, who bursts in &uch f#ustered 1ady Etterword, a b#onde, is $ery handso&e, $ery we## dressed, and so "reci"itate in s"eech and action that the first i&"ression 5erroneous6 is one of co&ic si##iness 12)G E((E-'C-) Ch, is that you, 9urseS How are youS Gou donNt #ook a day o#der 0s nobody at ho&eS 'here is HesioneS )oesnNt she ex"ect &eS 'here are the ser$antsS 'hose #uggage is that on the ste"sS 'hereNs "a"aS 0s e$erybody as#ee"S :Seeing E##ie; Ch% 0 beg your "ardon 0 su""ose you are one of &y nieces :2""roaching her with outstretched ar&s; !o&e and kiss your aunt, dar#ing E110E 0N& on#y a $isitor 0t is &y #uggage on the ste"s :She takes

9E-SE GE099ESS u" the tray; E110E

0N## go get you so&e fresh tea, ducky

But the o#d gent#e&an said he wou#d &ake so&e hi&se#f

9E-SE GE099ESS B#ess you% heNs forgotten what he went for a#ready His &ind wanders fro& one thing to another 12)G E((E-'C-) 9E-SE GE099ESS Pa"a, 0 su""oseS Ges, Biss )onNt be si##y, 9urse )onNt ca## &e

12)G E((E-'C-) :$ehe&ent#y;

Biss 9E-SE GE099ESS :"#acid#y; tea=tray; 9o, #o$ey :she goes out with the

12)G E((E-'C-) :sitting down with a f#ounce on the sofa; 0 know what you &ust fee# Ch, this house, this house% 0 co&e back to it after twenty=three yearsI and it is just the sa&e@ the #uggage #ying on the ste"s, the ser$ants s"oi#t and i&"ossib#e, nobody at ho&e to recei$e anybody, no regu#ar &ea#s, nobody e$er hungry because they are a#ways gnawing bread and butter or &unching a""#es, and, what is worse, the sa&e disorder in ideas, in ta#k, in fee#ing 'hen 0 was a chi#d 0 was used to it@ 0 had ne$er known anything better, though 0 was unha""y, and #onged a## the ti&e==oh, how 0 #onged%==to be res"ectab#e, to be a #ady, to #i$e as others did, not to ha$e to think of e$erything for &yse#f 0 &arried at nineteen to esca"e fro& it By husband is Sir Hastings Etterword, who has been go$ernor of a## the crown co#onies in succession 0 ha$e a#ways been the &istress of Go$ern&ent House 0 ha$e been so ha""y@ 0 had forgotten that "eo"#e cou#d #i$e #ike this 0 wanted to see &y father, &y sister, &y ne"hews and nieces 5one ought to, you know6, and 0 was #ooking forward to it 2nd now the state of the house% the way 0N& recei$ed% the casua# i&"udence of that wo&an Guinness, our o#d nurse% rea##y Hesione &ight at #east ha$e been here@ so&e "re"aration &ight ha$e been &ade for &e Gou &ust excuse &y going on in this wayI but 0 a& rea##y $ery &uch hurt and annoyed and disi##usioned@ and if 0 had rea#i8ed it was to be #ike this, 0 wou#dnNt ha$e co&e 0 ha$e a great &ind to go away without another word :she is on the "oint of wee"ing; E110E :a#so $ery &iserab#e; 9obody has been here to recei$e &e either 0 thought 0 ought to go away too But how can 0, 1ady EtterwordS By #uggage is on the ste"sI and the station f#y has gone (he ca"tain e&erges fro& the "antry with a tray of !hinese #acDuer and a $ery fine tea=set on it He rests it "ro$isiona##y on the end of the tab#eI snatches away the drawing=board, which he stands on the f#oor against tab#e #egsI and "uts the tray in the s"ace thus c#eared E##ie "ours out a cu" greedi#y (HE !2P(209 Gour tea, young #ady 'hat% another #ady% 0 &ust fetch another cu" :he &akes for the "antry; 12)G E((E-'C-) :rising fro& the sofa, suffused with e&otion; Pa"a% )onNt you know &eS 0N& your daughter (HE !2P(209 9onsense% &y daughterNs u"stairs as#ee" $anishes through the ha#f door; :He

1ady Etterword retires to the window to concea# her tears E110E :going to her with the cu"; )onNt be so distressed Ha$e this cu" of tea He is $ery o#d and $ery strange@ he has been just #ike that to &e 0 know how dreadfu# it &ust be@ &y own father is a## the wor#d to &e Ch, 0N& sure he didnNt &ean it

(he ca"tain returns with another cu" (HE !2P(209 9ow we are co&"#ete :He "#aces it on the tray;

12)G E((E-'C-) :hysterica##y; Pa"a, you canNt ha$e forgotten &e 0 a& 2riadne 0N& #itt#e Paddy Patkins 'onNt you kiss &eS :She goes to hi& and throws her ar&s round his neck; (HE !2P(209 :wooden#y enduring her e&brace; How can you be 2riadneS Gou are a &idd#e=aged wo&an@ we## "reser$ed, &ada&, but no #onger young 12)G E((E-'C-) But think of a## the years and years 0 ha$e been away, Pa"a 0 ha$e had to grow o#d, #ike other "eo"#e (HE !2P(209 :disengaging hi&se#f; Gou shou#d grow out of kissing strange &en@ they &ay be stri$ing to attain the se$enth degree of concentration 12)G E((E-'C-) years But 0N& your daughter Gou ha$enNt seen &e for

(HE !2P(209 So &uch the worse% 'hen our re#ati$es are at ho&e, we ha$e to think of a## their good "oints or it wou#d be i&"ossib#e to endure the& But when they are away, we conso#e ourse#$es for their absence by dwe##ing on their $ices (hat is how 0 ha$e co&e to think &y absent daughter 2riadne a "erfect fiendI so do not try to ingratiate yourse#f here by i&"ersonating her :he wa#ks fir&#y away to the other side of the roo&; 12)G E((E-'C-) 0ngratiating &yse#f indeed% :'ith dignity; ,ery we##, "a"a :She sits down at the drawing=tab#e and "ours out tea for herse#f; (HE !2P(209 Bi##y )unnS 0 a& neg#ecting &y socia# duties Gou re&e&ber )unnS

12)G E((E-'C-) youS

)C you &ean that $i##ainous sai#or who robbed His daughter :He sits down on

(HE !2P(209 :introducing E##ie; the sofa; E110E :"rotesting; 9o==

9urse Guinness returns with fresh tea (HE !2P(209 (ake that hogwash away )o you hearS Ch,

9E-SE GouN$e actua##y re&e&bered about the tea% :(o E##ie; &iss, he didnNt forget you after a##% Gou H2,E &ade an i&"ression

(HE !2P(209 :g#oo&i#y; Gouth% beauty% no$e#ty% (hey are bad#y wanted in this house 0 a& excessi$e#y o#d Hesione is on#y &oderate#y young Her chi#dren are not youthfu# 12)G E((E-'C-) How can chi#dren be ex"ected to be youthfu# in

this houseS 2#&ost before we cou#d s"eak we were fi##ed with notions that &ight ha$e been a## $ery we## for "agan "hi#oso"hers of fifty, but were certain#y Duite unfit for res"ectab#e "eo"#e of any age 9E-SE Gou were a#ways for res"ectabi#ity, Biss 2ddy

12)G E((E-'C-) 9urse, wi## you "#ease re&e&ber that 0 a& 1ady Etterword, and not Biss 2ddy, nor #o$ey, nor dar#ing, nor dotyS )o you hearS 9E-SE Ges, ducky@ a## right 0N## te## the& a## they &ust ca## you By 1ady :She takes her tray out with undisturbed "#acidity; 12)G E((E-'C-) 'hat co&fortS what sense is there in ha$ing ser$ants with no &annersS E110E :rising and co&ing to the tab#e to "ut down her e&"ty cu"; 1ady Etterword, do you think Brs Hushabye rea##y ex"ects &eS 12)G E((E-'C-) Ch, donNt ask &e Gou can see for yourse#f that 0N$e just arri$edI her on#y sister, after twenty=three yearsN absence% and it see&s that 0 a& not ex"ected (HE !2P(209 'hat does it &atter whether the young #ady is ex"ected or notS She is we#co&e (here are beds@ there is food 0N## find a roo& for her &yse#f :he &akes for the door; E110E :fo##owing hi& to sto" hi&; Ch, "#ease==:He goes out; 1ady Etterword, 0 donNt know what to do Gour father "ersists in be#ie$ing that &y father is so&e sai#or who robbed hi& 12)G E((E-'C-) Gou had better "retend not to notice it By father is a $ery c#e$er &anI but he a#ways forgot thingsI and now that he is o#d, of course he is worse 2nd 0 &ust warn you that it is so&eti&es $ery hard to fee# Duite sure that he rea##y forgets Brs Hushabye bursts into the roo& te&"estuous#y and e&braces E##ie She is a cou"#e of years o#der than 1ady Etterword, and e$en better #ooking She has &agnificent b#ack hair, eyes #ike the fish"oo#s of Heshbon, and a nob#y &ode##ed neck, short at the back and #ow between her shou#ders in front En#ike her sister she is uncorseted and dressed anyhow in a rich robe of b#ack "i#e that shows off her white skin and statuesDue contour B-S HESH2BGE E##ie, &y dar#ing, &y "ettikins :kissing her;, how #ong ha$e you been hereS 0N$e been at ho&e a## the ti&e@ 0 was "utting f#owers and things in your roo&I and when 0 just sat down for a &o&ent to try how co&fortab#e the ar&chair was 0 went off to s#ee" Pa"a woke &e and to#d &e you were here +ancy your finding no one, and being neg#ected and abandoned :Aissing her again; By "oor #o$e% :She de"osits E##ie on the sofa Beanwhi#e 2riadne has #eft the tab#e and co&e o$er to c#ai& her share of attention; Ch% youN$e brought so&eone with you 0ntroduce &e 12)G E((E-'C-) Hesione, is it "ossib#e that you donNt know &eS

B-S HESH2BGE :con$entiona##y; Cf course 0 re&e&ber your face Duite we## 'here ha$e we &etS 12)G E((E-'C-) )idnNt Pa"a te## you 0 was hereS Ch% this is rea##y too &uch :She throws herse#f su#ki#y into the big chair; B-S HESH2BGE Pa"a%

12)G E((E-'C-) Ges, Pa"a Cur "a"a, you unfee#ing wretch% :-ising angri#y; 0N## go straight to a hote# B-S HESH2BGE :sei8ing her by the shou#ders; By goodness gracious goodness, you donNt &ean to say that youNre 2ddy% 12)G E((E-'C-) 0 certain#y a& 2ddyI and 0 donNt think 0 can be so changed that you wou#d not ha$e recogni8ed &e if you had any rea# affection for &e 2nd Pa"a didnNt think &e e$en worth &entioning% B-S HESH2BGE 'hat a #ark% Sit down :she "ushes her back into the chair instead of kissing her, and "osts herse#f behind it; Gou )C #ook a swe## GouNre &uch handso&er than you used to be GouN$e &ade the acDuaintance of E##ie, of course She is going to &arry a "erfect hog of a &i##ionaire for the sake of her father, who is as "oor as a church &ouseI and you &ust he#" &e to sto" her E110E Ch, "#ease, Hesione%

B-S HESH2BGE By "ettikins, the &anNs co&ing here today with your father to begin "ersecuting youI and e$erybody wi## see the state of the case in ten &inutesI so whatNs the use of &aking a secret of itS E110E He is not a hog, Hesione Gou donNt know how wonderfu##y good he was to &y father, and how dee"#y gratefu# 0 a& to hi& B-S HESH2BGE :to 1ady Etterword; Her father is a $ery re&arkab#e &an, 2ddy His na&e is Ba88ini )unn Ba88ini was a ce#ebrity of so&e kind who knew E##ieNs grand"arents (hey were both "oets, #ike the BrowningsI and when her father ca&e into the wor#d Ba88ini said, T2nother so#dier born for freedo&%T So they christened hi& Ba88iniI and he has been fighting for freedo& in his Duiet way e$er since (hatNs why he is so "oor E110E 0 a& "roud of his "o$erty 'hy not #ea$e hi& in Hesione, are

B-S HESH2BGE Cf course you are, "ettikins it, and &arry so&eone you #o$eS

12)G E((E-'C-) :rising sudden#y and ex"#osi$e#y; you going to kiss &e or are you notS B-S HESH2BGE 'hat do you want to be kissed forS

12)G E((E-'C-) 0 )C9N( want to be kissedI but 0 do want you to beha$e "ro"er#y and decent#y 'e are sisters 'e ha$e been se"arated for twenty=three years Gou CEGH( to kiss &e

B-S HESH2BGE (o=&orrow &orning, dear, before you &ake u" the s&e## of "owder

0 hate

12)G E((E-'C-) Ch% you unfee#ing==:she is interru"ted by the return of the ca"tain; (HE !2P(209 :to E##ie; Gour roo& is ready :E##ie rises; (he sheets were da&"I but 0 ha$e changed the& :he &akes for the garden door on the "ort side; 12)G E((E-'C-) Ch% 'hat about &y sheetsS

(HE !2P(209 :ha#ting at the door; (ake &y ad$ice@ air the&@ or take the& off and s#ee" in b#ankets Gou sha## s#ee" in 2riadneNs o#d roo& 12)G E((E-'C-) 0ndeed 0 sha## do nothing of the sort #itt#e ho#e% 0 a& entit#ed to the best s"are roo& (hat She 0

(HE !2P(209 :continuing un&o$ed; She &arried a nu&sku## to#d &e she wou#d &arry anyone to get away fro& ho&e

12)( E((E-'C-) Gou are "retending not to know &e on "ur"ose wi## #ea$e the house

Ba88ini )unn enters fro& the ha## He is a #itt#e e#der#y &an with bu#ging credu#ous eyes and earnest &anners He is dressed in a b#ue serge jacket suit with an unbuttoned &ackintosh o$er it, and carries a soft b#ack hat of c#erica# cut E110E 2t #ast% !a"tain Shoto$er, here is &y father

(HE !2P(209 (his% 9onsense% not a bit #ike hi& :he goes away through the garden, shutting the door shar"#y behind hi&; 12)G E((E-'C-) 0 wi## not be ignored and "retended to be so&ebody e#se 0 wi## ha$e it out with Pa"a now, this instant :(o Ba88ini; Excuse &e :She fo##ows the ca"tain out, &aking a hasty bow to Ba88ini, who returns it; B-S HESH2BGE :hos"itab#y shaking hands; How good of you to co&e, Br )unn% Gou donNt &ind Pa"a, do youS He is as &ad as a hatter, you know, but Duite har&#ess and extre&e#y c#e$er Gou wi## ha$e so&e de#ightfu# ta#ks with hi& B2XX090 0 ho"e so :(o E##ie; So here you are, E##ie, dear :He draws her ar& affectionate#y through his; 0 &ust thank you, Brs Hushabye, for your kindness to &y daughter 0N& afraid she wou#d ha$e had no ho#iday if you had not in$ited her B-S HESH2BGE 9ot at a## ,ery nice of her to co&e and attract young "eo"#e to the house for us B2XX090 :s&i#ing; &en, Brs Hushabye 0N& afraid E##ie is not interested in young Her taste is on the gra$er, so#ider side

B-S HESH2BGE :with a sudden rather hard brightness in her

&anner; 'onNt you take off your o$ercoat, Br )unnS Gou wi## find a cu"board for coats and hats and things in the corner of the ha## B2XX090 :hasti#y re#easing E##ie; :he goes out; B-S HESH2BGE :e&"hatica##y; E110E 'hoS 0t :"ointing after Ba88ini; TGra$er, Ges==thank you==0 had better==

(he o#d brute%

B-S HESH2BGE 'ho% Hi& He so#ider tastes,T indeed% E110E :aghast; of &y father% B-S HESH2BGE

Gou donNt &ean that you were s"eaking #ike that 0 was Gou know 0 was 0 wi## #ea$e your house at once :She turns

E110E :with dignity; to the door; B-S HESH2BGE

0f you atte&"t it, 0N## te## your father why Ch% How can you treat a $isitor #ike this,

E110E :turning again; Brs HushabyeS B-S HESH2BGE E110E

0 thought you were going to ca## &e Hesione

!ertain#y not nowS ,ery we##@ 0N## te## your father Ch% turn a hair==if you take his "art against &e heart for a &o&ent, 0N## gi$e that born "iece of &y &ind that wi## stand hi& on his a week

B-S HESH2BGE

E110E :distressed;

B-S HESH2BGE 0f you and against your own so#dier of freedo& a se#fish o#d head for E110E

Hesione% By father se#fish% How #itt#e you know==

She is interru"ted by Ba88ini, who returns, excited and "ers"iring B2XX090 E##ie, Bangan has co&e@ 0 thought youNd #ike to know Excuse &e, Brs Hushabye, the strange o#d gent#e&an== B-S HESH2BGE Pa"a Uuite so

B2XX090 Ch, 0 beg your "ardon, of course@ 0 was a #itt#e confused by his &anner He is &aking Bangan he#" hi& with so&ething in the gardenI and he wants &e too== 2 "owerfu# whist#e is heard (HE !2P(209NS ,C0!E Bosun ahoy% :the whist#e is re"eated;

B2XX090 :f#ustered; :He hurries out; B-S HESH2BGE

Ch dear% 0 be#ie$e he is whist#ing for &e

9ow BG father is a wonderfu# &an if you #ike Gou donNt understand Br Ba== By father and

E110E Hesione, #isten to &e Br Bangan were boys together

B-S HESH2BGE 0 donNt care what they were@ we &ust sit down if you are going to begin as far back as that :She snatches at E##ieNs waist, and &akes her sit down on the sofa beside her; 9ow, "ettikins, te## &e a## about Br Bangan (hey ca## hi& Boss Bangan, donNt theyS He is a 9a"o#eon of industry and disgusting#y rich, isnNt heS 'hy isnNt your father richS E110E By "oor father shou#d ne$er ha$e been in business His "arents were "oetsI and they ga$e hi& the nob#est ideasI but they cou#d not afford to gi$e hi& a "rofession B-S HESH2BGE +ancy your grand"arents, with their eyes in fine fren8y ro##ing% 2nd so your "oor father had to go into business HasnNt he succeeded in itS E110E He a#ways used to say he cou#d succeed if he on#y had so&e ca"ita# He fought his way a#ong, to kee" a roof o$er our heads and bring us u" we##I but it was a#ways a strugg#e@ a#ways the sa&e difficu#ty of not ha$ing ca"ita# enough 0 donNt know how to describe it to you B-S HESH2BGE E110E :hurt; Poor E##ie% 0 know Ch, no Pu##ing the de$i# by the tai# 0t was at #east dignified

9ot #ike that

B-S HESH2BGE (hat &ade it a## the harder, didnNt itS 0 shou#dnNt ha$e "u##ed the de$i# by the tai# with dignity 0 shou#d ha$e "u##ed hard==:between her teeth; hard 'e##S Go on E110E 2t #ast it see&ed that a## our troub#es were at an end Br Bangan did an extraordinari#y nob#e thing out of "ure friendshi" for &y father and res"ect for his character He asked hi& how &uch ca"ita# he wanted, and ga$e it to hi& 0 donNt &ean that he #ent it to hi&, or that he in$ested it in his business He just si&"#y &ade hi& a "resent of it 'asnNt that s"#endid of hi&S B-S HESH2BGE Cn condition that you &arried hi&S

E110E Ch, no, no, no% (his was when 0 was a chi#d He had ne$er e$en seen &e@ he ne$er ca&e to our house 0t was abso#ute#y disinterested Pure generosity B-S HESH2BGE Ch% 0 beg the gent#e&anNs "ardon of the &oneyS 'e##, what beca&e 2nd 0

E110E 'e a## got new c#othes and &o$ed into another house went to another schoo# for two years B-S HESH2BGE Cn#y two yearsS

E110E (hat was a##@ for at the end of two years &y father was utter#y ruined B-S HESH2BGE HowS

E110E 0 donNt know 0 ne$er cou#d understand But it was dreadfu# 'hen we were "oor &y father had ne$er been in debt But when he #aunched out into business on a #arge sca#e, he had to incur #iabi#ities 'hen the business went into #iDuidation he owed &ore &oney than Br Bangan had gi$en hi& B-S HESH2BGE E110E Bit off &ore than he cou#d chew, 0 su""ose

0 think you are a #itt#e unfee#ing about it

B-S HESH2BGE By "ettikins, you &ustnNt &ind &y way of ta#king 0 was Duite as sensiti$e and "articu#ar as you onceI but 0 ha$e "icked u" so &uch s#ang fro& the chi#dren that 0 a& rea##y hard#y "resentab#e 0 su""ose your father had no head for business, and &ade a &ess of it E110E Ch, that just shows how entire#y you are &istaken about hi& (he business turned out a great success 0t now "ays forty=four "er cent after deducting the excess "rofits tax B-S HESH2BGE (hen why arenNt you ro##ing in &oneyS

E110E 0 donNt know 0t see&s $ery unfair to &e Gou see, &y father was &ade bankru"t 0t near#y broke his heart, because he had "ersuaded se$era# of his friends to "ut &oney into the business He was sure it wou#d succeedI and e$ents "ro$ed that he was Duite right But they a## #ost their &oney 0t was dreadfu# 0 donNt know what we shou#d ha$e done but for Br Bangan B-S HESH2BGE 'hat% )id the Boss co&e to the rescue again, after a## his &oney being thrown awayS E110E He did indeed, and ne$er uttered a re"roach to &y father He bought what was #eft of the business==the bui#dings and the &achinery and things==fro& the officia# trustee for enough &oney to enab#e &y father to "ay six=and=eight="ence in the "ound and get his discharge E$eryone "itied Pa"a so &uch, and saw so "#ain#y that he was an honorab#e &an, that they #et hi& off at six=and=eight="ence instead of ten shi##ings (hen Br Bangan started a co&"any to take u" the business, and &ade &y father a &anager in it to sa$e us fro& star$ationI for 0 wasnNt earning anything then B-S HESH2BGE Uuite a ro&ance tender "assionS 2nd when did the Boss de$e#o" the

E110E Ch, that was years after, Duite #ate#y He took the chair one night at a sort of "eo"#eNs concert 0 was singing there 2s an a&ateur, you know@ ha#f a guinea for ex"enses and three songs with three encores He was so "#eased with &y singing that he asked &ight he wa#k ho&e with &e 0 ne$er saw anyone so taken aback as he was when 0 took hi& ho&e and introduced hi& to &y father, his own &anager 0t was then that &y father to#d &e how

nob#y he had beha$ed Cf course it was considered a great chance for &e, as he is so rich 2nd==and==we drifted into a sort of understanding==0 su""ose 0 shou#d ca## it an engage&ent==:she is distressed and cannot go on; B-S HESH2BGE :rising and &arching about; Gou &ay ha$e drifted into itI but you wi## bounce out of it, &y "ettikins, if 0 a& to ha$e anything to do with it E110E :ho"e#ess#y; 9o@ itNs no use 0 a& bound in honor and gratitude 0 wi## go through with it B-S HESH2BGE :behind the sofa, sco#ding down at her; Gou know, of course, that itNs not honorab#e or gratefu# to &arry a &an you donNt #o$e )o you #o$e this Bangan &anS E110E Ges 2t #east==

B-S HESH2BGE 0 donNt want to know about Tat #eastT@ 0 want to know the worst Gir#s of your age fa## in #o$e with a## sorts of i&"ossib#e "eo"#e, es"ecia##y o#d "eo"#e E110E 0 #ike Br Bangan $ery &uchI and 0 sha## a#ways be==

B-S HESH2BGE :i&"atient#y co&"#eting the sentence and "rancing away into#erant#y to starboard; ==gratefu# to hi& for his kindness to dear father 0 know 2nybody e#seS E110E 'hat do you &eanS 2nybody e#seS 2re you in #o$e with anybody e#seS

B-S HESH2BGE E110E

Cf course not

B-S HESH2BGE Hu&"h% :(he book on the drawing=tab#e catches her eye She "icks it u", and e$ident#y finds the tit#e $ery unex"ected She #ooks at E##ie, and asks, Duaint#y; Uuite sure youNre not in #o$e with an actorS E110E 9o, no 'hyS 'hat "ut such a thing into your headS

B-S HESH2BGE (his is yours, isnNt itS 'hy e#se shou#d you be reading Cthe##oS E110E By father taught &e to #o$e Shakes"eare -ea##y% your

B-S HESH2GE :f#inging the book down on the tab#e; father does see& to be about the #i&it

E110E :nai$e#y; )o you ne$er read Shakes"eare, HesioneS (hat see&s to &e so extraordinary 0 #ike Cthe##o B-S HESH2BGE )o you, indeedS He was jea#ous, wasnNt heS

E110E Ch, not that 0 think a## the "art about jea#ousy is horrib#e But donNt you think it &ust ha$e been a wonderfu# ex"erience for )esde&ona, brought u" so Duiet#y at ho&e, to &eet a &an who had been out in the wor#d doing a## sorts of bra$e

things and ha$ing terrib#e ad$entures, and yet finding so&ething in her that &ade hi& #o$e to sit and ta#k with her and te## her about the&S B-S HESH2BGE E110E (hatNs your idea of ro&ance, is itS 0t &ight rea##y ha""en

9ot ro&ance, exact#y

E##ieNs eyes show that she is not arguing, but in a daydrea& Brs Hushabye, watching her inDuisiti$e#y, goes de#iberate#y back to the sofa and resu&es her seat beside her B-S HESH2BGE E##ie dar#ing, ha$e you noticed that so&e of those stories that Cthe##o to#d )esde&ona cou#dnNt ha$e ha""ened==S E110E Ch, no Shakes"eare thought they cou#d ha$e ha""ened H&% )esde&ona thought they cou#d ha$e ha""ened But

B-S HESH2BGE they didnNt

E110E 'hy do you #ook so enig&atic about itS Gou are such a s"hinx@ 0 ne$er know what you &ean B-S HESH2BGE )esde&ona wou#d ha$e found hi& out if she had #i$ed, you know 0 wonder was that why he strang#ed her% E110E Cthe##o was not te##ing #ies How do you knowS

B-S HESH2BGE

E110E Shakes"eare wou#d ha$e said if he was Hesione, there are &en who ha$e done wonderfu# things@ &en #ike Cthe##o, on#y, of course, white, and $ery handso&e, and== B-S HESH2BGE 2h% 9ow weNre co&ing to it (e## &e a## about hi& 0 knew there &ust be so&ebody, or youNd ne$er ha$e been so &iserab#e about Bangan@ youNd ha$e thought it Duite a #ark to &arry hi& E110E :b#ushing $i$id#y; Hesione, you are dreadfu# But 0 donNt want to &ake a secret of it, though of course 0 donNt te## e$erybody Besides, 0 donNt know hi& B-S HESH2BGE E110E )onNt know hi&% 'hat does that &eanS

'e##, of course 0 know hi& to s"eak to

B-S HESH2BGE But you want to know hi& e$er so &uch &ore inti&ate#y, ehS E110E 9o, no@ 0 know hi& Duite==a#&ost inti&ate#y

B-S HESH2BGE Gou donNt know hi&I and you know hi& a#&ost inti&ate#y How #ucid% E110E 0 &ean that he does not ca## on us 0==0 got into con$ersation with hi& by chance at a concert

B-S HESH2BGE Gou see& to ha$e rather a gay ti&e at your concerts, E##ie E110E 9ot at a##@ we ta#k to e$eryone in the greenroo& waiting for our turns 0 thought he was one of the artists@ he #ooked so s"#endid But he was on#y one of the co&&ittee 0 ha""ened to te## hi& that 0 was co"ying a "icture at the 9ationa# Ga##ery 0 &ake a #itt#e &oney that way 0 canNt "aint &uchI but as itNs a#ways the sa&e "icture 0 can do it "retty Duick#y and get two or three "ounds for it 0t ha""ened that he ca&e to the 9ationa# Ga##ery one day B-S HESH2BGE Cne studentsN day Paid six"ence to stu&b#e about through a crowd of ease#s, when he &ight ha$e co&e in next day for nothing and found the f#oor c#ear% Uuite by accidentS E110E :triu&"hant#y; 9o Cn "ur"ose He #iked ta#king to &e He knows #ots of the &ost s"#endid "eo"#e +ashionab#e wo&en who are a## in #o$e with hi& But he ran away fro& the& to see &e at the 9ationa# Ga##ery and "ersuade &e to co&e with hi& for a dri$e round -ich&ond Park in a taxi B-S HESH2BGE By "ettikins, you ha$e been going it 0tNs wonderfu# what you good gir#s can do without anyone saying a word E110E 0 a& not in society, Hesione 0f 0 didnNt &ake acDuaintances in that way 0 shou#dnNt ha$e any at a## B-S HESH2BGE 'e##, no har& if you know how to take care of yourse#f Bay 0 ask his na&eS E110E :s#ow#y and &usica##y; Barcus )arn#ey Barcus )arn#ey% 'hat a s"#endid

B-S HESH2BGE :echoing the &usic; na&e%

E110E Ch, 0N& so g#ad you think so 0 think so tooI but 0 was afraid it was on#y a si##y fancy of &y own B-S HESH2BGE H&% 0s he one of the 2berdeen )arn#eysS Just fancy% He was found in an antiDue

E110E 9obody knows chest== B-S HESH2BGE

2 whatS

E110E 2n antiDue chest, one su&&er &orning in a rose garden, after a night of the &ost terrib#e thunderstor& B-S HESH2BGE 'hat on earth was he doing in the chestS )id he get into it because he was afraid of the #ightningS E110E Ch, no, no@ he was a baby (he na&e Barcus )arn#ey was e&broidered on his baby c#othes 2nd fi$e hundred "ounds in go#d B-S HESH2BGE :1ooking hard at her; E##ie%

E110E

(he garden of the ,iscount== ==de -ouge&ontS 2

B-S HESH2BGE

E110E :innocent#y; 9o@ de 1arochejaDue#in 2 +rench fa&i#y $ico&te His #ife has been one #ong ro&ance 2 tiger== B-S HESH2BGE S#ain by his own handS

E110E Ch, no@ nothing $u#gar #ike that He sa$ed the #ife of the tiger fro& a hunting "arty@ one of Aing EdwardNs hunting "arties in 0ndia (he Aing was furious@ that was why he ne$er had his &i#itary ser$ices "ro"er#y recogni8ed But he doesnNt care He is a Socia#ist and des"ises rank, and has been in three re$o#utions fighting on the barricades B-S HESH2BGE How can you sit there te##ing &e such #iesS Gou, E##ie, of a## "eo"#e% 2nd 0 thought you were a "erfect#y si&"#e, straightforward, good gir# E110E :rising, dignified but $ery angry; be#ie$e &eS )o you &ean you donNt

B-S HESH2BGE Cf course 0 donNt be#ie$e you GouNre in$enting e$ery word of it )o you take &e for a foo#S E##ie stares at her is "u88#ed Her candor is so ob$ious that Brs Hushabye

E110E Goodbye, Hesione 0N& $ery sorry 0 see now that it sounds $ery i&"robab#e as 0 te## it But 0 canNt stay if you think that way about &e B-S HESH2BGE :catching her dress; Gou shanNt go so &istaken@ 0 know too we## what #iars are #ike rea##y to#d you a## this 0 cou#dnNt be So&ebody has

E110E :f#ushing; Hesione, donNt say that you donNt be#ie$e hi& 0 cou#dnNt bear that B-S HESH2BGE :soothing her; Cf course 0 be#ie$e hi&, dearest But you shou#d ha$e broken it to &e by degrees :)rawing her back to her seat; 9ow te## &e a## about hi& 2re you in #o$e with hi&S E110E Ch, no 0N& not so foo#ish 0 donNt fa## in #o$e with "eo"#e 0N& not so si##y as you think B-S HESH2BGE 0 see Cn#y so&ething to think about==to gi$e so&e interest and "#easure to #ife E110E Just so (hatNs a##, rea##y

B-S HESH2BGE 0t &akes the hours go fast, doesnNt itS 9o tedious waiting to go to s#ee" at nights and wondering whether you wi## ha$e a bad night How de#ightfu# it &akes waking u" in the &orning% How &uch better than the ha""iest drea&% 2## #ife transfigured% 9o &ore wishing one had an interesting book to

read, because #ife is so &uch ha""ier than any book% 9o desire but to be a#one and not to ha$e to ta#k to anyone@ to be a#one and just think about it E110E :e&bracing her; Hesione, you are a witch How do you knowS Ch, you are the &ost sy&"athetic wo&an in the wor#d% B-S HESH2BGE :caressing her; you% and how 0 "ity you% E110E Pity &e% Ch, whyS Pettikins, &y "ettikins, how 0 en$y

2 $ery handso&e &an of fifty, with &ousDuetaire &oustaches, wearing a rather dandified cur#y bri&&ed hat, and carrying an e#aborate wa#king=stick, co&es into the roo& fro& the ha##, and sto"s short at sight of the wo&en on the sofa E110E :seeing hi& and rising in g#ad sur"rise; is Br Barcus )arn#ey B-S HESH2BGE :rising; E110E Ch% Hesione@ this

'hat a #ark% He is &y husband

But now==:she sto"s sudden#y@ then turns "a#e and sways;

B-S HESH2BGE :catching her and sitting down with her on the sofa; Steady, &y "ettikins (HE B29 :with a &ixture of confusion and effrontery, de"ositing his hat and stick on the teak tab#e; By rea# na&e, Biss )unn, is Hector Hushabye 0 #ea$e you to judge whether that is a na&e any sensiti$e &an wou#d care to confess to 0 ne$er use it when 0 can "ossib#y he#" it 0 ha$e been away for near#y a &onthI and 0 had no idea you knew &y wife, or that you were co&ing here 0 a& none the #ess de#ighted to find you in our #itt#e house E110E :in great distress; 0 donNt know what to do s"eak to "a"aS )o #ea$e &e 0 canNt bear it B-S HESH2BGE HE!(C0== Uuick, Duick Get out Be off, Hector P#ease, &ay 0

B-S HESH2BGE

HE!(C- 0f you think it better==:he goes out, taking his hat with hi& but #ea$ing the stick on the tab#e; B-S HESH2BGE :#aying E##ie down at the end of the sofa; 9ow, "ettikins, he is gone (hereNs nobody but &e Gou can #et yourse#f go )onNt try to contro# yourse#f Ha$e a good cry E110E :raising her head; )a&n%

B-S HESH2BGE S"#endid% Ch, what a re#ief% 0 thought you were going to be broken=hearted 9e$er &ind &e )a&n hi& again E110E 0 a& not da&ning hi& 0 a& da&ning &yse#f for being such a foo# :-ising; How cou#d 0 #et &yse#f be taken in soS :She

begins "row#ing to and fro, her b#oo& gone, #ooking curious#y o#der and harder; B-S HESH2BGE :cheerfu##y; 'hy not, "ettikinsS ,ery few young wo&en can resist Hector 0 cou#dnNt when 0 was your age He is rea##y rather s"#endid, you know E110E :turning on her; S"#endid% Ges, s"#endid #ooking, of course But how can you #o$e a #iarS B-S HESH2BGE 0 donNt know But you can, fortunate#y there wou#dnNt be &uch #o$e in the wor#d E110E Ctherwise

But to #ie #ike that% (o be a boaster% a coward%

B-S HESH2BGE :rising in a#ar&; Pettikins, none of that, if you "#ease 0f you hint the s#ightest doubt of HectorNs courage, he wi## go straight off and do the &ost horrib#y dangerous things to con$ince hi&se#f that he isnNt a coward He has a dreadfu# trick of getting out of one third=f#oor window and co&ing in at another, just to test his ner$e He has a who#e drawerfu# of 2#bert Beda#s for sa$ing "eo"#eNs #i$es E110E He ne$er to#d &e that

B-S HESH2BGE He ne$er boasts of anything he rea##y did@ he canNt bear itI and it &akes hi& shy if anyone e#se does 2## his stories are &ade=u" stories E110E :co&ing to her; )o you &ean that he is rea##y bra$e, and rea##y has ad$entures, and yet te##s #ies about things that he ne$er did and that ne$er ha""enedS B-S HESH2BGE Ges, "ettikins, 0 do Peo"#e donNt ha$e their $irtues and $ices in sets@ they ha$e the& anyhow@ a## &ixed E110E :staring at her thoughtfu##y; (hereNs so&ething odd about this house, Hesione, and e$en about you 0 donNt know why 0N& ta#king to you so ca#&#y 0 ha$e a horrib#e fear that &y heart is broken, but that heartbreak is not #ike what 0 thought it &ust be B-S HESH2BGE :fond#ing her; 0tNs on#y #ife educating you, "ettikins How do you fee# about Boss Bangan nowS E110E :disengaging herse#f with an ex"ression of distaste; how can you re&ind &e of hi&, HesioneS Ch, Gou

B-S HESH2BGE Sorry, dear 0 think 0 hear Hector co&ing back donNt &ind now, do you, dearS E110E 9ot in the #east 0 a& Duite cured

Ba88ini )unn and Hector co&e in fro& the ha## HE!(C- :as he o"ens the door and a##ows Ba88ini to "ass in; second &ore, and she wou#d ha$e been a dead wo&an% Cne

B2XX090 )ear% dear% what an esca"e% E##ie, &y #o$e, Br Hushabye has just been te##ing &e the &ost extraordinary== E110E roo&; Ges, 0N$e heard it :she crosses to the other side of the

HE!(C- :fo##owing her; 9ot this one@ 0N## te## it to you after dinner 0 think youN## #ike it (he truth is 0 &ade it u" for you, and was #ooking forward to the "#easure of te##ing it to you But in a &o&ent of i&"atience at being turned out of the roo&, 0 threw it away on your father E110E :turning at bay with her back to the car"enterNs bench, scornfu##y se#f="ossessed; 0t was not thrown away He be#ie$es it 0 shou#d not ha$e be#ie$ed it B2XX090 :bene$o#ent#y; E##ie is $ery naughty, Br Hushabye course she does not rea##y think that :He goes to the bookshe#$es, and ins"ects the tit#es of the $o#u&es; Cf

Boss Bangan co&es in fro& the ha##, fo##owed by the ca"tain Bangan, carefu##y frock=coated as for church or for a diHE!(C-sN &eeting, is about fifty=fi$e, with a careworn, &istrustfu# ex"ression, standing a #itt#e on an entire#y i&aginary dignity, with a du## co&"#exion, straight, #ustre#ess hair, and features so entire#y co&&on"#ace that it is i&"ossib#e to describe the& !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :to Brs Hushabye, introducing the newco&er; Says his na&e is Bangan 9ot ab#e=bodied B-S HESH2BGE :gracious#y; B29G29 :shaking hands; How do you do, Br BanganS

,ery "#eased

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- )unnNs #ost his &usc#e, but reco$ered his ner$e Ben se#do& do after three attacks of de#iriu& tre&ens :he goes into the "antry; B-S HESH2BGE 0 congratu#ate you, Br )unn 0 a& a #ife#ong teetota#er

B2XX090 :da8ed;

B-S HESH2BGE Gou wi## find it far #ess troub#e to #et "a"a ha$e his own way than try to ex"#ain B2XX090 But three attacks of de#iriu& tre&ens, rea##y% )o you know &y husband, Br Bangan :she

B-S HESH2BGE :to Bangan; indicates Hector;

B29G29 :going to Hector, who &eets hi& with outstretched hand; ,ery "#eased :(urning to E##ie; 0 ho"e, Biss E##ie, you ha$e not found the journey down too fatiguing :(hey shake hands; B-S HESH2BGE HE!(CHector, show Br )unn his roo& !o&e a#ong, Br )unn :He takes Ba88ini out;

!ertain#y

E110E

Gou ha$enNt shown &e &y roo& yet, Hesione

B-S HESH2BGE How stu"id of &e% !o&e a#ong Bake yourse#f Duite at ho&e, Br Bangan Pa"a wi## entertain you :She ca##s to the ca"tain in the "antry; Pa"a, co&e and ex"#ain the house to Br Bangan She goes out with E##ie !2P(209 SHC(C,EGouNre too o#d B29G29 :staggered; !2P(209 SHC(C,EB29G29 (he ca"tain co&es fro& the "antry )onNt

GouNre going to &arry )unnNs daughter 'e##% (hatNs fair#y b#unt, !a"tain 0tNs true

She doesnNt think so She does

!2P(209 SHC(C,EB29G29

C#der &en than 0 ha$e==

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :finishing the sentence for hi&; ==&ade foo#s of the&se#$es (hat, a#so, is true B29G29 :asserting hi&se#f; of yours 0 donNt see that this is any business (he stars in their

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0t is e$erybodyNs business courses are shaken when such things ha""en B29G29 0N& going to &arry her a## the sa&e How do you knowS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E-

B29G29 :"#aying the strong &an; 0 intend to 0 &ean to SeeS 0 ne$er &ade u" &y &ind to do a thing yet that 0 didnNt bring it off (hatNs the sort of &an 0 a&I and there wi## be a better understanding between us when you &ake u" your &ind to that, !a"tain !2P(209 SHC(C,EB29G29 Gou freDuent "icture "a#aces 'ho to#d youS Gou &ean

Perha"s 0 do

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- (a#k #ike a &an, not #ike a &o$ie that you &ake a hundred thousand a year

B29G29 0 donNt boast But when 0 &eet a &an that &akes a hundred thousand a year, 0 take off &y hat to that &an, and stretch out &y hand to hi& and ca## hi& brother !2P(209 SHC(C,EheyS B29G29 9o (hen you a#so &ake a hundred thousand a year, +ifty thousand, "erha"s

0 canNt say that

!2P(209 SHC(C,E-

His ha#f brother on#y :he turns away fro&

Bangan with his usua# abru"tness, and co##ects the e&"ty tea=cu"s on the !hinese tray; B29G29 :irritated; See here, !a"tain Shoto$er 0 donNt Duite understand &y "osition here 0 ca&e here on your daughterNs in$itation 2& 0 in her house or in yoursS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- Gou are beneath the do&e of hea$en, in the house of God 'hat is true within these wa##s is true outside the& Go out on the seasI c#i&b the &ountainsI wander through the $a##eys She is sti## too young B29G29 :weakening; But 0N& $ery #itt#e o$er fifty

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Gou are sti## #ess under sixty Boss Bangan, you wi## not &arry the "irateNs chi#d :he carries the tray away into the "antry; B29G29 :fo##owing hi& to the ha#f door; 'hat are you ta#king aboutS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :in the "antry; her B29G29 'ho wi## sto" &eS By daughter :he &akes for the door 'hat "irateNs chi#dS Gou wi## not &arry

E##ie )unn

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :e&erging; #eading to the ha##;

B29G29 :fo##owing hi&; Brs Hushabye% )o you &ean to say she brought &e down here to break it offS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :sto""ing and turning on hi&; 0 know nothing &ore than 0 ha$e seen in her eye She wi## break it off (ake &y ad$ice@ &arry a 'est 0ndian negress@ they &ake exce##ent wi$es 0 was &arried to one &yse#f for two years B29G29 'e##, 0 a& da&ned% 0 was, too, for &any years 0 ought to wa#k out of this (he

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0 thought so negress redee&ed &e B29G29 :feeb#y; house !2P(209 SHC(C,E(his is Dueer 'hyS

B29G29 'e##, &any &en wou#d be offended by your sty#e of ta#king !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 9onsense% 0tNs the other sort of ta#king that &akes Duarre#s 9obody e$er Duarre#s with &e 2 gent#e&an, whose first=rate tai#oring and friction#ess &anners "roc#ai& the we##bred 'est Ender, co&es in fro& the ha## He has an engaging air of being young and un&arried, but on c#ose ins"ection is found to be at #east o$er forty

(HE GE9(1EB29 Excuse &y intruding in this fashion, but there is no knocker on the door and the be## does not see& to ring !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'hy shou#d there be a knockerS 'hy shou#d the be## ringS (he door is o"en (HE GE9(1EB29 Precise#y So 0 $entured to co&e in 0 wi## see about a roo& for you But 0N& afraid you donNt know who 0

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Uuite right :he &akes for the door; (HE GE9(1EB29 :sto""ing hi&; a&

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- )C you su""ose that at &y age 0 &ake distinctions between one fe##ow creature and anotherS :He goes out Bangan and the newco&er stare at one another; B29G29 Strange character, !a"tain Shoto$er, sir ,ery

(HE GE9(1EB29

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :shouting outside; Hesione, another "erson has arri$ed and wants a roo& Ban about town, we## dressed, fifty (HE GE9(1EB29 +ancy HesioneNs fee#ings% Bay 0 ask are you a &e&ber of the fa&i#yS B29G29 9o 0 a& 2t #east a connection

(HE GE9(1EB29

Brs Hushabye co&es back B-S HESH2BGE How do you doS How good of you to co&e%

(HE GE9(1EB29 0 a& $ery g#ad indeed to &ake your acDuaintance, Hesione :0nstead of taking her hand he kisses her 2t the sa&e &o&ent the ca"tain a""ears in the doorway; Gou wi## excuse &y kissing your daughter, !a"tain, when 0 te## you that== !2P(209 SHC(C,E- Stuff% E$eryone kisses &y daughter &uch as you #ike :he &akes for the "antry; Aiss her as

(HE GE9(1EB29 (hank you Cne &o&ent, !a"tain :(he ca"tain ha#ts and turns (he gent#e&an goes to hi& affab#y; )o you ha""en to re&e&ber but "robab#y you donNt, as it occurred &any years ago== that your younger daughter &arried a nu&sku##S !2P(209 SHC(C,E- Ges She said sheNd &arry anybody to get away fro& this house 0 shou#d not ha$e recogni8ed you@ your head is no #onger #ike a wa#nut Gour as"ect is softened Gou ha$e been boi#ed in bread and &i#k for years and years, #ike other &arried &en Poor de$i#% :He disa""ears into the "antry; B-S HESH2BGE :going "ast Bangan to the gent#e&an and scrutini8ing hi&; 0 donNt be#ie$e you are Hastings Etterword

(HE GE9(1EB29 B-S HESH2BGE

0 a& not (hen what business had you to kiss &eS 0

(HE GE9(1EB29 0 thought 0 wou#d #ike to (he fact is, 0 a& -anda## Etterword, the unworthy younger brother of Hastings was abroad di"#o&ati8ing when he was &arried

12)G E((E-'C-) :dashing in; Hesione, where is the key of the wardrobe in &y roo&S By dia&onds are in &y dressing=bag@ 0 &ust #ock it u"==:recogni8ing the stranger with a shock; -anda##, how dare youS :She &arches at hi& "ast Brs Hushabye, who retreats and joins Bangan near the sofa; -29)211 How dare 0 whatS 0 a& not doing anything 'ho to#d you 0 was hereS

12)G E((E-'C-)

-29)211 Hastings Gou had just #eft when 0 ca##ed on you at !#aridgeNsI so 0 fo##owed you down here Gou are #ooking extre&e#y we## 12)G E((E-'C-) B-S HESH2BGE )onNt "resu&e to te## &e so 'hat is wrong with Br -anda##, 2ddyS

12)G E((E-'C-) :reco##ecting herse#f; Ch, nothing But he has no right to co&e bothering you and "a"a without being in$ited :she goes to the window=seat and sits down, turning away fro& the& i##=hu&ored#y and #ooking into the garden, where Hector and E##ie are now seen stro##ing together; B-S HESH2BGE 0 think you ha$e not &et Br Bangan, 2ddy 0

12)G E((E-'C-) :turning her head and nodding co#d#y to Bangan; beg your "ardon -anda##, you ha$e f#ustered &e so@ 0 &ake a "erfect foo# of &yse#f B-S HESH2BGE 1ady Etterword By sister By younger sister

B29G29 :bowing;

P#eased to &eet you, 1ady Etterword 'ho is that gent#e&an

12)G E((E-'C-) :with &arked interest; wa#king in the garden with Biss )unnS

B-S HESH2BGE 0 donNt know She Duarre##ed &orta##y with &y husband on#y ten &inutes agoI and 0 didnNt know anyone e#se had co&e 0t &ust be a $isitor :She goes to the window to #ook; Ch, it is Hector (heyN$e &ade it u" 12)G E((E-'C-) B-S HESH2BGE Gour husband% (hat handso&e &anS 'e##, why shou#dnNt &y husband be a handso&e &anS

-29)211 :joining the& at the window; CneNs husband ne$er is, 2riadne :he sits by 1ady Etterword, on her right; B-S HESH2BGE CneNs sisterNs husband a#ways is, Br -anda##

12)G E((E-'C-) just as bad

)onNt be $u#gar, -anda##

2nd you, Hesione, are

E##ie and Hector co&e in fro& the garden by the starboard door -anda## rises E##ie retires into the corner near the "antry Hector co&es forwardI and 1ady Etterword rises #ooking her $ery best B-S HESH2BGE Hector, this is 2ddy 9ot this #ady

HE!(C- :a""arent#y sur"rised; 12)G E((E-'C-) :s&i#ing;

'hy notS

HE!(C- :#ooking at her with a "iercing g#ance of dee" but res"ectfu# ad&iration, his &oustache brist#ing; 0 thought== :"u##ing hi&se#f together; 0 beg your "ardon, 1ady Etterword a& extre&e#y g#ad to we#co&e you at #ast under our roof :he offers his hand with gra$e courtesy; B-S HESH2BGE 12)G E((E-'C-) She wants to be kissed, Hector Hesione% :But she sti## s&i#es;

B-S HESH2BGE !a## her 2ddyI and kiss her #ike a good brother=in=#awI and ha$e done with it :She #ea$es the& to the&se#$es; HE!(C- Beha$e yourse#f, Hesione 1ady Etterword is entit#ed not on#y to hos"ita#ity but to ci$i#i8ation 12)G E((E-'C-) :gratefu##y; cordia##y; (hank you, Hector :(hey shake hands

Ba88ini )unn is seen crossing the garden fro& starboard to "ort !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :co&ing fro& the "antry and addressing E##ie; Gour father has washed hi&se#f E110E :Duite se#f="ossessed; !2P(209 SHC(C,E"antry window He often does, !a"tain Shoto$er

2 strange con$ersion% 0 saw hi& through the

Ba88ini )unn enters through the "ort window door, new#y washed and brushed, and sto"s, s&i#ing bene$o#ent#y, between Bangan and Brs Hushabye B-S HESH2BGE :introducing; Br Ba88ini )unn, 1ady Et==oh, 0 forgot@ youN$e &et :0ndicating E##ie; Biss )unn B2XX090 :wa#king across the roo& to take E##ieNs hand, and bea&ing at his own naughty irony; 0 ha$e &et Biss )unn a#so is &y daughter :He draws her ar& through his caressing#y; B-S HESH2BGE er== She

Cf course@ how stu"id% Br Etterword, &y sisterNs==

-29)211 :shaking hands agreeab#y; How do you doS B-S HESH2BGE (his is &y husband

Her brother=in=#aw, Br )unn

HE!(C- 'e ha$e &et, dear )onNt introduce us any &ore :He &o$es away to the big chair, and adds; 'onNt you sit down, 1ady EtterwordS :She does so $ery gracious#y; B-S HESH2BGE Sorry their tickets 0 hate it@ itNs #ike &aking "eo"#e show

B2XX090 :sententious#y; How #itt#e it te##s us, after a##% (he great Duestion is, not who we are, but what we are !2P(209 SHC(C,EHa% 'hat are youS 'hat a& 0S

B2XX090 :taken aback; !2P(209 SHC(C,EB2XX090

2 thief, a "irate, and a &urderer

0 assure you you are &istaken

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 2n ad$enturous #ifeI but what does it end inS -es"ectabi#ity 2 #ady#ike daughter (he #anguage and a""earance of a city &issionary 1et it be a warning to a## of you :he goes out through the garden; )E99 0 ho"e nobody here be#ie$es that 0 a& a thief, a "irate, or a &urderer Brs Hushabye, wi## you excuse &e a &o&entS 0 &ust rea##y go and ex"#ain :He fo##ows the ca"tain; B-S HESH2BGE :as he goes; 0tNs no use GouNd rea##y better== :but )unn has $anished; 'e had better a## go out and #ook for so&e tea 'e ne$er ha$e regu#ar teaI but you can a#ways get so&e when you want@ the ser$ants kee" it stewing a## day (he kitchen $eranda is the best "#ace to ask Bay 0 show youS :She goes to the starboard door; -29)211 :going with her; (hank you, 0 donNt think 0N## take any tea this afternoon But if you wi## show &e the garden== B-S HESH2BGE (hereNs nothing to see in the garden exce"t "a"aNs obser$atory, and a gra$e# "it with a ca$e where he kee"s dyna&ite and things of that sort Howe$er, itNs "#easanter out of doorsI so co&e a#ong -29)211 )yna&ite% 0snNt that rather riskyS 'e##, we donNt sit in the gra$e# "it when thereNs a (hatNs so&ething new 'hat is the dyna&ite forS

B-S HESH2BGE thunderstor& 12)G E((E-C--)

HE!(C- (o b#ow u" the hu&an race if it goes too far He is trying to disco$er a "sychic ray that wi## ex"#ode a## the ex"#osi$e at the we## of a Bahat&a

E110E

(he ca"tainNs tea is de#icious, Br Etterword

B-S HESH2BGE :sto""ing in the doorway; )o you &ean to say that youN$e had so&e of &y fatherNs teaS that you got round hi& before you were ten &inutes in the houseS E110E 0 did Gou #itt#e de$i#% :She goes out with -anda##;

B-S HESH2BGE B29G29

'onNt you co&e, Biss E##ieS

E110E 0N& too tired 0N## take a book u" to &y roo& and rest a #itt#e :She goes to the bookshe#f; B29G29 -ight Gou canNt do better fo##ows -anda## and Brs Hushabye; But 0N& disa""ointed :He

E##ie, Hector, and 1ady Etterword are #eft Hector is c#ose to 1ady Etterword (hey #ook at E##ie, waiting for her to go E110E :#ooking at the tit#e of a book; ad$enture, 1ady EtterwordS 12)G E((E-'C-) :"atroni8ing#y; )o you #ike stories of

Cf course, dear :She goes out through (he #ies 0

E110E (hen 0N## #ea$e you to Br Hushabye the ha##;

HE!(C- (hat gir# is &ad about ta#es of ad$enture ha$e to te## her%

12)G E((E-'C-) :not interested in E##ie; 'hen you saw &e what did you &ean by saying that you thought, and then sto""ing shortS 'hat did you thinkS HE!(C- :fo#ding his ar&s and #ooking down at her &agnetica##y; Bay 0 te## youS 12)G E((E-'C-) Cf course

HE!(C- 0t wi## not sound $ery ci$i# 0 was on the "oint of saying, T0 thought you were a "#ain wo&an T 12)G E((E-'C-) Ch, for sha&e, Hector% 'hat right had you to notice whether 0 a& "#ain or notS HE!(C- 1isten to &e, 2riadne Enti# today 0 ha$e seen on#y "hotogra"hs of youI and no "hotogra"h can gi$e the strange fascination of the daughters of that su"ernatura# o#d &an (here is so&e da&nab#e Dua#ity in the& that destroys &enNs &ora# sense, and carries the& beyond honor and dishonor Gou know that, donNt youS 12)G E((E-'C-) Perha"s 0 do, Hector But #et &e warn you once for a## that 0 a& a rigid#y con$entiona# wo&an Gou &ay think because 0N& a Shoto$er that 0N& a Bohe&ian, because we are a## so

horrib#y Bohe&ian But 0N& not 0 hate and #oathe Bohe&ianis& 9o chi#d brought u" in a strict Puritan househo#d e$er suffered fro& Puritanis& as 0 suffered fro& our Bohe&ianis& HE!(C- Cur chi#dren are #ike that (hey s"end their ho#idays in the houses of their res"ectab#e schoo#fe##ows 12)G E((E-'C-) 0 sha## in$ite the& for !hrist&as

HE!(C- (heir absence #ea$es us both without our natura# cha"erones 12)G E((E-'C-) !hi#dren are certain#y $ery incon$enient so&eti&es But inte##igent "eo"#e can a#ways &anage, un#ess they are Bohe&ians HE!(C- Gou are no Bohe&ianI but you are no Puritan either@ your attraction is a#i$e and "owerfu# 'hat sort of wo&an do you count yourse#fS 12)G E((E-'C-) 0 a& a wo&an of the wor#d, HectorI and 0 can assure you that if you wi## on#y take the troub#e a#ways to do the "erfect#y correct thing, and to say the "erfect#y correct thing, you can do just what you #ike 2n i##=conducted, care#ess wo&an gets si&"#y no chance 2n i##=conducted, care#ess &an is ne$er a##owed within ar&Ns #ength of any wo&an worth knowing HE!(C- 0 see Gou are neither a Bohe&ian wo&an nor a Puritan wo&an Gou are a dangerous wo&an 12)G E((E-'C-) Cn the contrary, 0 a& a safe wo&an

HE!(C- Gou are a &ost accursed#y attracti$e wo&an Bind, 0 a& not &aking #o$e to you 0 do not #ike being attracted But you had better know how 0 fee# if you are going to stay here 12)G E((E-'C-) Gou are an exceeding#y c#e$er #ady=ki##er, Hector 2nd terrib#y handso&e 0 a& Duite a good "#ayer, &yse#f, at that ga&e 0s it Duite understood that we are on#y "#ayingS HE!(C- Uuite worth#essness 0 a& de#iberate#y "#aying the foo#, out of sheer

12)G E((E-'C-) :rising bright#y; 'e##, you are &y brother=in=#aw, Hesione asked you to kiss &e :He sei8es her in his ar&s and kisses her strenuous#y; Ch% that was a #itt#e &ore than "#ay, brother=in=#aw :She "ushes hi& sudden#y away; Gou sha## not do that again HE!(C- 0n effect, you got your c#aws dee"er into &e than 0 intended B-S HEBH2BGE :co&ing in fro& the garden; )onNt #et &e disturb youI 0 on#y want a ca" to "ut on daddiest (he sun is settingI and heN## catch co#d :she &akes for the door #eading to the ha##; 12)G E((E-'C-) Gour husband is Duite char&ing, dar#ing He has

actua##y condescended to kiss &e at #ast 0 sha## go into the garden@ itNs coo#er now :she goes out by the "ort door; B-S HESH2BGE (ake care, dear chi#d 0 donNt be#ie$e any &an can kiss 2ddy without fa##ing in #o$e with her :She goes into the ha##; HE!(C- :striking hi&se#f on the chest; +oo#% Goat%

Brs Hushabye co&es back with the ca"tainNs ca" HE!(C- Gour sister is an extre&e#y enter"rising o#d gir# 'hereNs Biss )unn% B-S HESH2BGE Bangan says she has gone u" to her roo& for a na" 2ddy wonNt #et you ta#k to E##ie@ she has &arked you for her own HE!(C- She has the diabo#ica# fa&i#y fascination 0 began &aking #o$e to her auto&atica##y 'hat a& 0 to doS 0 canNt fa## in #o$eI and 0 canNt hurt a wo&anNs fee#ings by te##ing her so when she fa##s in #o$e with &e 2nd as wo&en are a#ways fa##ing in #o$e with &y &oustache 0 get #anded in a## sorts of tedious and terrifying f#irtations in which 0N& not a bit in earnest B-S HESH2BGE Ch, neither is 2ddy She has ne$er been in #o$e in her #ife, though she has a#ways been trying to fa## in head o$er ears She is worse than you, because you had one rea# go at #east, with &e HE!(C- (hat was a confounded &adness 0 canNt be#ie$e that such an a&a8ing ex"erience is co&&on 0t has #eft its &ark on &e 0 be#ie$e that is why 0 ha$e ne$er been ab#e to re"eat it B-S HESH2BGE :#aughing and caressing his ar&; 'e were frightfu##y in #o$e with one another, Hector 0t was such an enchanting drea& that 0 ha$e ne$er been ab#e to grudge it to you or anyone e#se since 0 ha$e in$ited a## sorts of "retty wo&en to the house on the chance of gi$ing you another turn But it has ne$er co&e off HE!(C- 0 donNt know that 0 want it to co&e off 0t was da&ned dangerous Gou fascinated &eI but 0 #o$ed youI so it was hea$en (his sister of yours fascinates &eI but 0 hate herI so it is he## 0 sha## ki## her if she "ersists B-S HESH2BGE 9othing wi## ki## 2ddyI she is as strong as a horse :-e#easing hi&; 9ow 0 a& going off to fascinate so&ebody HE!(C(he +oreign Cffice toffS -anda##S Goodness gracious, no% 'hy shou#d 0 fascinate hi&S

B-S HESH2BGE HE!(C-

0 "resu&e you donNt &ean the b#oated ca"ita#ist, BanganS

B-S HESH2BGE H&% 0 think he had better be fascinated by &e than by E##ie :She is going into the garden when the ca"tain co&es in fro& it with so&e sticks in his hand; 'hat ha$e you got there, daddiestS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E-

)yna&ite

B-S HESH2BGE GouN$e been to the gra$e# "it )onNt dro" it about the house, thereNs a dear :She goes into the garden, where the e$ening #ight is now $ery red; HE!(C- 1isten, C sage How #ong dare you concentrate on a fee#ing without risking ha$ing it fixed in your consciousness a## the rest of your #ifeS !2P(209 SHC(C,Einto the "antry; 9inety &inutes 2n hour and a ha#f :He goes

Hector, #eft a#one, contracts his brows, and fa##s into a day=drea& He does not &o$e for so&e ti&e (hen he fo#ds his ar&s (hen, throwing his hands behind hi&, and gri""ing one with the other, he strides tragica##y once to and fro Sudden#y he snatches his wa#king stick fro& the teak tab#e, and draws itI for it is a swordstick He fights a des"erate due# with an i&aginary antagonist, and after &any $icissitudes runs hi& through the body u" to the hi#t He sheathes his sword and throws it on the sofa, fa##ing into another re$erie as he does so He #ooks straight into the eyes of an i&aginary wo&anI sei8es her by the ar&sI and says in a dee" and thri##ing tone, T)o you #o$e &e%T (he ca"tain co&es out of the "antry at this &o&entI and Hector, caught with his ar&s stretched out and his fists c#enched, has to account for his attitude by going through a series of gy&nastic exercises !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (hat sort of strength is no good ne$er be as strong as a gori##a HE!(C'hat is the dyna&ite forS (o ki## fe##ows #ike Bangan Gou wi##

!2P(209 SHC(C,EHE!(C- 9o use than you

(hey wi## a#ways be ab#e to buy &ore dyna&ite 0 wi## &ake a dyna&ite that he cannot ex"#ode

!2P(209 SHC(C,EHE!(C-

2nd that you can, ehS Ges@ when 0 ha$e attained the se$enth degree of

!2P(209 SHC(C,Econcentration HE!(C-

'hatNs the use of thatS Gou ne$er do attain it

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'hat then is to be doneS 2re we to be ke"t fore$er in the &ud by these hogs to who& the uni$erse is nothing but a &achine for greasing their brist#es and fi##ing their snoutsS HE!(C2re BanganNs brist#es worse than -anda##Ns #o$e#ocksS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E-, 'e &ust win "owers of #ife and death o$er the& both 0 refuse to die unti# 0 ha$e in$ented the &eans

HE!(C-

'ho are we that we shou#d judge the&S

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'hat are they that they shou#d judge usS Get they do, unhesitating#y (here is en&ity between our seed and their seed (hey know it and act on it, strang#ing our sou#s (hey be#ie$e in the&se#$es 'hen we be#ie$e in ourse#$es, we sha## ki## the& HE!(C- 0t is the sa&e seed Gou forget that your "irate has a $ery nice daughter BanganNs son &ay be a P#ato@ -anda##Ns a She##ey 'hat was &y fatherS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (he da&nedst scoundre# 0 e$er &et :He re"#aces the drawing=boardI sits down at the tab#eI and begins to &ix a wash of co#or; HE!(C- Precise#y grandchi#drenS !2P(209 SHC(C,E'e##, dare you ki## his innocent (hey are &ine a#so

HE!(C- Just so==we are &e&bers one of another :He throws hi&se#f care#ess#y on the sofa; 0 te## you 0 ha$e often thought of this ki##ing of hu&an $er&in Bany &en ha$e thought of it )ecent &en are #ike )anie# in the #ionNs den@ their sur$i$a# is a &irac#eI and they do not a#ways sur$i$e 'e #i$e a&ong the Bangans and -anda##s and Bi##ie )unns as they, "oor de$i#s, #i$e a&ong the disease ger&s and the doctors and the #awyers and the "arsons and the restaurant chefs and the trades&en and the ser$ants and a## the rest of the "arasites and b#ack&ai#ers 'hat are our terrors to theirsS Gi$e &e the "ower to ki## the&I and 0N## s"are the& in sheer== !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :cutting in shar"#y; +e##ow fee#ingS

HE!(C- 9o 0 shou#d ki## &yse#f if 0 be#ie$ed that 0 &ust be#ie$e that &y s"ark, s&a## as it is, is di$ine, and that the red #ight o$er their door is he## fire 0 shou#d s"are the& in si&"#e &agnani&ous "ity !2P(209 SHC(C,E- Gou canNt s"are the& unti# you ha$e the "ower to ki## the& 2t "resent they ha$e the "ower to ki## you (here are &i##ions of b#acks o$er the water for the& to train and #et #oose on us (heyNre going to do it (heyNre doing it a#ready HE!(C(hey are too stu"id to use their "ower

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :throwing down his brush and co&ing to the end of the sofa; )o not decei$e yourse#f@ they do use it 'e ki## the better ha#f of ourse#$es e$ery day to "ro"itiate the& (he know#edge that these "eo"#e are there to render a## our as"irations barren "re$ents us ha$ing the as"irations 2nd when we are te&"ted to seek their destruction they bring forth de&ons to de#ude us, disguised as "retty daughters, and singers and "oets and the #ike, for whose sake we s"are the& HE!(C- :sitting u" and #eaning towards hi&; Bay not Hesione be such a de&on, brought forth by you #est 0 shou#d s#ay youS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- (hat is "ossib#e She has used you u", and #eft you nothing but drea&s, as so&e wo&en do HE!(C,a&"ire wo&en, de&on wo&en

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Ben think the wor#d we## #ost for the&, and #ose it according#y 'ho are the &en that do thingsS (he husbands of the shrew and of the drunkard, the &en with the thorn in the f#esh :'a#king distracted#y away towards the "antry; 0 &ust think these things out :(urning sudden#y; But 0 go on with the dyna&ite none the #ess 0 wi## disco$er a ray &ightier than any R=ray@ a &ind ray that wi## ex"#ode the a&&unition in the be#t of &y ad$ersary before he can "oint his gun at &e 2nd 0 &ust hurry 0 a& o#d@ 0 ha$e no ti&e to waste in ta#k :he is about to go into the "antry, and Hector is &aking for the ha##, when Hesione co&es back; B-S HESH2BGE )addiest, you and Hector &ust co&e and he#" &e to entertain a## these "eo"#e 'hat on earth were you shouting aboutS HE!(C- :sto""ing in the act of turning the door hand#e; &adder than usua# B-S HESH2BGE HE!(C'e a## are He is

0 &ust change :he resu&es his door o"ening;

B-S HESH2BGE Sto", sto" !o&e back, both of you !o&e back :(hey return, re#uctant#y; Boney is running short HE!(CBoney% 'here are &y 2"ri# di$idendsS 'here is the snow that fe## #ast yearS

B-S HESH2BGE

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'here is a## the &oney you had for that "atent #ifeboat 0 in$entedS B-S HESH2BGE Easter% +i$e hundred "oundsI and 0 ha$e &ade it #ast since

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Since Easter% Bare#y four &onths% Bonstrous extra$agance% 0 cou#d #i$e for se$en years on 344 "ounds B-S HESH2BGE 9ot kee"ing o"en house as we do here, daddiest

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Cn#y 344 "ounds for that #ifeboat% 0 got twe#$e thousand for the in$ention before that B-S HESH2BGE Ges, dearI but that was for the shi" with the &agnetic kee# that sucked u" sub&arines 1i$ing at the rate we do, you cannot afford #ife=sa$ing in$entions !anNt you think of so&ething that wi## &urder ha#f Euro"e at one bangS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 9o 0 a& ageing fast By &ind does not dwe## on s#aughter as it did when 0 was a boy 'hy doesnNt your husband in$ent so&ethingS He does nothing but te## #ies to wo&en

HE!(C- 'e##, that is a for& of in$ention, is it notS Howe$er, you are right@ 0 ought to su""ort &y wife B-S HESH2BGE 0ndeed you sha## do nothing of the sort@ 0 shou#d ne$er see you fro& breakfast to dinner 0 want &y husband HE!(C- :bitter#y; 0 &ight as we## be your #a"dog

B-S HESH2BGE )o you want to be &y breadwinner, #ike the other "oor husbandsS HE!(C- 9o, by thunder% 'hat a da&ned creature a husband is anyhow% B-S HESH2BGE :to the ca"tain; !2P(209 SHC(C,E9o use 'hat about that har"oon cannonS

0t ki##s wha#es, not &en

B-S HESH2BGE 'hy notS Gou fire the har"oon out of a cannon 0t sticks in the ene&yNs genera#I you wind hi& inI and there you are HE!(CGou are your fatherNs daughter, Hesione

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- (here is so&ething in it 9ot to wind in genera#s@ they are not dangerous But one cou#d fire a gra"ne# and wind in a &achine gun or e$en a tank 0 wi## think it out B-S HESH2BGE :sDuee8ing the ca"tainNs ar& affectionate#y; Gou are a dar#ing, daddiest 9ow we &ust go back to these dreadfu# "eo"#e and entertain the& !2P(209 SHC(C,EHE!(C(hey ha$e had no dinner Sa$ed%

)onNt forget that

9either ha$e 0

2nd it is dark@ it &ust be a## hours

B-S HESH2BGE Ch, Guinness wi## "roduce so&e sort of dinner for the& (he ser$ants a#ways take jo##y good care that there is food in the house !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :raising a strange wai# in the darkness; house% 'hat a daughter% B-S HESH2BGE :ra$ing; HE!(C- :fo##owing suit; !2P(209 SHC(C,EHE!(C'hat a father% 'hat a husband% 'hat a

0s there no thunder in hea$enS

0s there no beauty, no bra$ery, on earthS

B-S HESH2BGE 'hat do &en wantS (hey ha$e their food, their firesides, their c#othes &ended, and our #o$e at the end of the day 'hy are they not satisfiedS 'hy do they en$y us the "ain with which we bring the& into the wor#d, and &ake strange dangers and tor&ents for the&se#$es to be e$en with usS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :weird#y chanting; 0 bui#ded a house for &y daughters, and o"ened the doors thereof, (hat &en &ight co&e for their choosing, and their betters s"ring fro& their #o$eI But one of the& &arried a nu&sku##I HE!(C- :taking u" the rhyth&; (he other a #iar wedI B-S HESH2BGE :co&"#eting the stan8a; 2nd now &ust she #ie beside hi&, e$en as she &ade her bed 12)G E((E-'C-) :ca##ing fro& the garden; are youS HE!(C(he cat is on the ti#es !o&ing, dar#ing, co&ing :she goes Duick#y into the Hesione% Hesione% 'here

B-S HESH2BGE garden;

(he ca"tain goes back to his "#ace at the tab#e HE!(C- :going out into the ha##; youS !2P(209 SHC(C,Ein the #ight 9o Sha## 0 turn u" the #ights for Boney is not &ade

Gi$e &e dee"er darkness

2!( 00 (he sa&e roo&, with the #ights turned u" and the curtains drawn E##ie co&es in, fo##owed by Bangan Both are dressed for dinner She stro##s to the drawing=tab#e He co&es between the tab#e and the wicker chair B29G29 &ea# 'hat a dinner% 0 donNt ca## it a dinner@ 0 ca## it a

E110E 0 a& accusto&ed to &ea#s, Br Bangan, and $ery #ucky to get the& Besides, the ca"tain cooked so&e &accaroni for &e B29G29 :shuddering #i$erish#y; (oo rich@ 0 canNt eat such things 0 su""ose itNs because 0 ha$e to work so &uch with &y brain (hatNs the worst of being a &an of business@ you are a#ways thinking, thinking, thinking By the way, now that we are a#one, &ay 0 take the o""ortunity to co&e to a #itt#e understanding with youS E110E :sett#ing into the draughts&anNs seat; #ike to !ertain#y 0 shou#d

B29G29 :taken aback; Shou#d youS (hat sur"rises &eI for 0 thought 0 noticed this afternoon that you a$oided &e a## you cou#d 9ot for the first ti&e either

E110E 0 was $ery tired and u"set 0 wasnNt used to the ways of this extraordinary house P#ease forgi$e &e B29G29 Ch, thatNs a## right@ 0 donNt &ind But !a"tain Shoto$er has been ta#king to &e about you Gou and &e, you know E110E :interested; B29G29 E110E B29G29 E110E B29G29 E110E (he ca"tain% 'hat did he sayS

'e##, he noticed the difference between our ages He notices e$erything Gou donNt &ind, thenS Cf course 0 know Duite we## that our engage&ent== Ch% you ca## it an engage&ent 'e##, isnNt itS

B29G29 Ch, yes, yes@ no doubt it is if you ho#d to it (his is the first ti&e youN$e used the wordI and 0 didnNt Duite know where we stood@ thatNs a## :He sits down in the wicker chairI and resigns hi&se#f to a##ow her to #ead the con$ersation; Gou were saying==S E110E 'as 0S 0 forget (e## &e )o you #ike this "art of the countryS 0 heard you ask Br Hushabye at dinner whether there are any nice houses to #et down here B29G29 0 #ike the "#ace (he air suits &e sur"rised if 0 sett#ed down here E110E 9othing wou#d "#ease &e better 0 want to be near Hesione 0 shou#dnNt be 2nd

(he air suits &e too

B29G29 :with growing uneasiness; (he air &ay suit usI but the Duestion is, shou#d we suit one anotherS Ha$e you thought about thatS E110E Br Bangan, we &ust be sensib#e, &ustnNt weS 0tNs no use "retending that we are -o&eo and Ju#iet But we can get on $ery we## together if we choose to &ake the best of it Gour kindness of heart wi## &ake it easy for &e B29G29 :#eaning forward, with the beginning of so&ething #ike de#iberate un"#easantness in his $oice; Aindness of heart, ehS 0 ruined your father, didnNt 0S E110E B29G29 E110E Ch, not intentiona##y Ges 0 did Cn "ur"ose% -uined hi& on "ur"ose

B29G29 9ot out of i##=nature, you know 2nd youN## ad&it that 0 ke"t a job for hi& when 0 had finished with hi& But business is businessI and 0 ruined hi& as a &atter of business

E110E 0 donNt understand how that can be 2re you trying to &ake &e fee# that 0 need not be gratefu# to you, so that 0 &ay choose free#yS B29G29 :rising aggressi$e#y; 9o 0 &ean what 0 say

E110E But how cou#d it "ossib#y do you any good to ruin &y fatherS (he &oney he #ost was yours B29G29 :with a sour #augh; 'as &ine% 0t is &ine, Biss E##ie, and a## the &oney the other fe##ows #ost too :He sho$es his hands into his "ockets and shows his teeth; 0 just s&oked the& out #ike a hi$e of bees 'hat do you say to thatS 2 bit of shock, ehS E110E 0t wou#d ha$e been, this &orning 9ow% you canNt think how #itt#e it &atters But itNs Duite interesting Cn#y, you &ust ex"#ain it to &e 0 donNt understand it :Pro""ing her e#bows on the drawingboard and her chin on her hands, she co&"oses herse#f to #isten with a co&bination of conscious curiosity with unconscious conte&"t which "ro$okes hi& to &ore and &ore un"#easantness, and an atte&"t at "atronage of her ignorance; B29G29 Cf course you donNt understand@ what do you know about businessS Gou just #isten and #earn Gour fatherNs business was a new businessI and 0 donNt start new businesses@ 0 #et other fe##ows start the& (hey "ut a## their &oney and their friendsN &oney into starting the& (hey wear out their sou#s and bodies trying to &ake a success of the& (heyNre what you ca## enthusiasts But the first dead #ift of the thing is too &uch for the&I and they ha$enNt enough financia# ex"erience 0n a year or so they ha$e either to #et the who#e show go bust, or se## out to a new #ot of fe##ows for a few deferred ordinary shares@ that is, if theyNre #ucky enough to get anything at a## 2s #ike#y as not the $ery sa&e thing ha""ens to the new #ot (hey "ut in &ore &oney and a cou"#e of yearsN &ore workI and then "erha"s they ha$e to se## out to a third #ot 0f itNs rea##y a big thing the third #ot wi## ha$e to se## out too, and #ea$e their work and their &oney behind the& 2nd thatNs where the rea# business &an co&es in@ where 0 co&e in But 0N& c#e$erer than so&e@ 0 donNt &ind dro""ing a #itt#e &oney to start the "rocess 0 took your fatherNs &easure 0 saw that he had a sound idea, and that he wou#d work hi&se#f si##y for it if he got the chance 0 saw that he was a chi#d in business, and was dead certain to outrun his ex"enses and be in too great a hurry to wait for his &arket 0 knew that the surest way to ruin a &an who doesnNt know how to hand#e &oney is to gi$e hi& so&e 0 ex"#ained &y idea to so&e friends in the city, and they found the &oneyI for 0 take no risks in ideas, e$en when theyNre &y own Gour father and the friends that $entured their &oney with hi& were no &ore to &e than a hea" of sDuee8ed #e&ons GouN$e been wasting your gratitude@ &y kind heart is a## rot 0N& sick of it 'hen 0 see your father bea&ing at &e with his &oist, gratefu# eyes, regu#ar#y wa##owing in gratitude, 0 so&eti&es fee# 0 &ust te## hi& the truth or burst 'hat sto"s &e is that 0 know he wou#dnNt be#ie$e &e HeNd think it was &y &odesty, as you did just now HeNd think anything rather than the truth, which is that heNs a b#a&ed foo#, and 0 a& a &an that knows how to take care of

hi&se#f :He throws hi&se#f back into the big chair with #arge se#f a""ro$a#; 9ow what do you think of &e, Biss E##ieS E110E :dro""ing her hands; How strange% that &y &other, who knew nothing at a## about business, shou#d ha$e been Duite right about you% She a#ways said not before "a"a, of course, but to us chi#dren==that you were just that sort of &an B29G29 :sitting u", &uch hurt; #et you &arry &e Ch% did sheS 2nd yet sheNd ha$e

E110E 'e##, you see, Br Bangan, &y &other &arried a $ery good &an==for whate$er you &ay think of &y father as a &an of business, he is the sou# of goodness==and she is not at a## keen on &y doing the sa&e B29G29 E110E B29G29 E110E B29G29 #oss; E110E 2nyhow, you donNt want to &arry &e now, do youS :$ery ca#&#y; Ch, 0 think so 'hy not% 'hy notS

:rising aghast;

0 donNt see why we shou#dnNt get on $ery we## together 'e##, but #ook here, you know==:he sto"s, Duite at a :"atient#y; 'e##S

B29G29 'e##, 0 thought you were rather "articu#ar about "eo"#eNs characters E110E 0f we wo&en were "articu#ar about &enNs characters, we shou#d ne$er get &arried at a##, Br Bangan B29G29 2 chi#d #ike you ta#king of Twe wo&enT% 'hat next% GouNre not in earnestS E110E B29G29 E110E B29G29 E110E Ges, 0 a& 2renNt youS

Gou &ean to ho#d &e to itS )o you wish to back out of itS Ch, no 'e##S 9ot exact#y back out of it

He has nothing to say 'ith a #ong whis"ered whist#e, he dro"s into the wicker chair and stares before hi& #ike a beggared ga&b#er But a cunning #ook soon co&es into his face He #eans o$er towards her on his right e#bow, and s"eaks in a #ow steady $oice B29G29 Su""ose 0 to#d you 0 was in #o$e with another wo&an% Su""ose 0 to#d you 0 was in #o$e with

E110E :echoing hi&; another &an%

B29G29 :bouncing angri#y out of his chair; E110E 'ho to#d you 0 wasS

0N& not joking

B29G29 0 te## you 0N& serious GouNre too young to be seriousI but youN## ha$e to be#ie$e &e 0 want to be near your friend Brs Hushabye 0N& in #o$e with her 9ow the &urderNs out E110E 0 want to be near your friend Br Hushabye 0N& in #o$e with hi& :She rises and adds with a frank air; 9ow we are in one anotherNs confidence, we sha## be rea# friends (hank you for te##ing &e B29G29 :a#&ost beside hi&se#f; con$enience of #ike thisS )o you think 0N## be &ade a

E110E !o&e, Br Bangan% you &ade a business con$enience of &y father 'e##, a wo&anNs business is &arriage 'hy shou#dnNt 0 &ake a do&estic con$enience of youS B29G29 Because 0 donNt choose, seeS Because 0N& not a si##y gu## #ike your father (hatNs why E110E :with serene conte&"t; Gou are not good enough to c#ean &y fatherNs boots, Br BanganI and 0 a& "aying you a great co&"#i&ent in condescending to &ake a con$enience of you, as you ca## it Cf course you are free to throw o$er our engage&ent if you #ikeI but, if you do, youN## ne$er enter HesioneNs house again@ 0 wi## take care of that B29G29 :gas"ing; Gou #itt#e de$i#, youN$e done &e :Cn the "oint of co##a"sing into the big chair again he reco$ers hi&se#f; 'ait a bit, though@ youNre not so cute as you think Gou canNt beat Boss Bangan as easy as that Su""ose 0 go straight to Brs Hushabye and te## her that youNre in #o$e with her husband E110E B29G29 E110E She knows it Gou to#d her%%% She to#d &e

B29G29 :c#utching at his bursting te&"#es; Ch, this is a cra8y house Cr e#se 0N& going c#ean off &y chu&" 0s she &aking a swo" with you==she to ha$e your husband and you to ha$e hersS E110E 'e##, you donNt want us both, do youS

B29G29 :throwing hi&se#f into the chair distracted#y; By brain wonNt stand it By headNs going to s"#it He#"% He#" &e to ho#d it Uuick@ ho#d it@ sDuee8e it Sa$e &e :E##ie co&es behind his chairI c#as"s his head hard for a &o&entI then begins to draw her hands fro& his forehead back to his ears; (hank you :)rowsi#y; (hatNs $ery refreshing :'aking a #itt#e; )onNt you hy"noti8e &e, though 0N$e seen &en &ade foo#s of by hy"notis& E110E :steadi#y; Be Duiet 0N$e seen &en &ade foo#s of without

hy"notis& B29G29 :hu&b#y; Gou donNt dis#ike touching &e, 0 ho"e touched &e before, 0 noticed Gou ne$er

E110E 9ot since you fe## in #o$e natura##y with a grown=u" nice wo&an, who wi## ne$er ex"ect you to &ake #o$e to her 2nd 0 wi## ne$er ex"ect hi& to &ake #o$e to &e B29G29 He &ay, though

E110E :&aking her "asses rhyth&ica##y; Hush Go to s#ee" )o you hearS Gou are to go to s#ee", go to s#ee", go to s#ee"I be Duiet, dee"#y dee"#y DuietI s#ee", s#ee", s#ee", s#ee", s#ee" He fa##s as#ee" into the garden E##ie stea#s awayI turns the #ight outI and goes

9urse Guinness o"ens the door and is seen in the #ight which co&es in fro& the ha## GE099ESS :s"eaking to so&eone outside; Br BanganNs not here, duckie@ thereNs no one here 0tNs a## dark B-S HESH2BGE :without; (ry the garden &y boudoir Show hi& the way Br )unn and 0 wi## be in

GE099ESS Ges, ducky :She &akes for the garden door in the darkI stu&b#es o$er the s#ee"ing Bangan and screa&s; 2hoo% C 1ord, Sir% 0 beg your "ardon, 0N& sure@ 0 didnNt see you in the dark 'ho is itS :She goes back to the door and turns on the #ight; Ch, Br Bangan, sir, 0 ho"e 0 ha$enNt hurt you "#u&"ing into your #a" #ike that :!o&ing to hi&; 0 was #ooking for you, sir Brs Hushabye says wi## you "#ease :noticing that he re&ains Duite insensib#e; Ch, &y good 1ord, 0 ho"e 0 ha$enNt ki##ed hi& Sir% Br Bangan% Sir% :She shakes hi&I and he is ro##ing inert#y off the chair on the f#oor when she ho#ds hi& u" and "ro"s hi& against the cushion; Biss Hessy% Biss Hessy% :Duick, doty dar#ing Biss Hessy% :Brs Hushabye co&es in fro& the ha##, fo##owed by Ba88ini )unn; Ch, Biss Hessy, 0N$e been and ki##ed hi& Ba88ini runs round the back of the chair to BanganNs right hand, and sees that the nurseNs words are a""arent#y on#y too true B2XX090 'hat te&"ted you to co&&it such a cri&e, wo&anS )o you &ean, you did it on

B-S HESH2BGE :trying not to #augh; "ur"oseS

GE099ESS 9ow is it #ike#y 0Nd ki## any &an on "ur"oseS 0 fe## o$er hi& in the darkI and 0N& a "retty tidy weight He ne$er s"oke nor &o$ed unti# 0 shook hi&I and then he wou#d ha$e dro""ed dead on the f#oor 0snNt it tireso&eS B-S HESH2BGE :going "ast the nurse to BanganNs side, and ins"ecting hi& #ess credu#ous#y than Ba88ini; 9onsense% he is not dead@ he is on#y as#ee" 0 can see hi& breathing

GE099ESS

But why wonNt he wakeS Bangan% By

B2XX090 :s"eaking $ery "o#ite#y into BanganNs ear; dear Bangan% :he b#ows into BanganNs ear;

B-S HESH2BGE (hatNs no good :she shakes hi& $igorous#y; Br Bangan, wake u" )o you hearS :He begins to ro## o$er; Ch% 9urse, nurse@ heNs fa##ing@ he#" &e 9urse Guinness rushes to the rescue Bangan is "ro""ed safe#y u" again 'ith Ba88iniNs assistance,

GE099ESS :behind the chairI bending o$er to test the case with her nose; 'ou#d he be drunk, do you think, "etS B-S HESH2BGE Had he any of "a"aNs ru&S

B2XX090 0t canNt be that@ he is &ost abste&ious 0 a& afraid he drank too &uch for&er#y, and has to drink too #itt#e now Gou know, Brs Hushabye, 0 rea##y think he has been hy"noti8ed GE099ESS Hi" no what, sirS

B2XX090 Cne e$ening at ho&e, after we had seen a hy"noti8ing "erfor&ance, the chi#dren began "#aying at itI and E##ie stroked &y head 0 assure you 0 went off dead as#ee"I and they had to send for a "rofessiona# to wake &e u" after 0 had s#e"t eighteen hours (hey had to carry &e u"stairsI and as the "oor chi#dren were not $ery strong, they #et &e s#i"I and 0 ro##ed right down the who#e f#ight and ne$er woke u" :Brs Hushabye s"#utters; Ch, you &ay #augh, Brs HushabyeI but 0 &ight ha$e been ki##ed B-S HESH2BGE 0 cou#dnNt ha$e he#"ed #aughing e$en if you had been, Br )unn So E##ie has hy"noti8ed hi& 'hat fun% B2XX090 Ch no, no, no 0t was such a terrib#e #esson to her@ nothing wou#d induce her to try such a thing again B-S HESH2BGE (hen who did itS 0 didnNt

B2XX090 0 thought "erha"s the ca"tain &ight ha$e done it unintentiona##y He is so fearfu##y &agnetic@ 0 fee# $ibrations whene$er he co&es c#ose to &e GE099ESS (he ca"tain wi## get hi& out of it anyhow, sir@ 0N## back hi& for that 0N## go fetch hi& :she &akes for the "antry; B-S HESH2BGE 'ait a bit for eighteen hoursS B2XX090 :(o Ba88ini; Gou say he is a## right

'e##, 0 was as#ee" for eighteen hours 'ere you any the worse for itS (hey had "oured brandy down &y

B-S HESH2BGE

B2XX090 0 donNt Duite re&e&ber throat, you seeI and==

B-S HESH2BGE Uuite 2nyhow, you sur$i$ed 9urse, dar#ing@ go and ask Biss )unn to co&e to us here Say 0 want to s"eak to her "articu#ar#y Gou wi## find her with Br Hushabye "robab#y GE099ESS 0 think not, ducky@ Biss 2ddy is with hi& But 0N## find her and send her to you :She goes out into the garden; B-S HESH2BGE :ca##ing Ba88iniNs attention to the figure on the chair; 9ow, Br )unn, #ook Just #ook 1ook hard )o you sti## intend to sacrifice your daughter to that thingS B2XX090 :troub#ed; Gou ha$e co&"#ete#y u"set &e, Brs Hushabye, by a## you ha$e said to &e (hat anyone cou#d i&agine that 0==0, a consecrated so#dier of freedo&, if 0 &ay say so==cou#d sacrifice E##ie to anybody or anyone, or that 0 shou#d e$er ha$e drea&ed of forcing her inc#inations in any way, is a &ost "ainfu# b#ow to &y==we##, 0 su""ose you wou#d say to &y good o"inion of &yse#f B-S HESH2BGE :rather sto#id#y; Sorry

B2XX090 :#ooking for#orn#y at the body; 'hat is your objection to "oor Bangan, Brs HushabyeS He #ooks a## right to &e But then 0 a& so accusto&ed to hi& B-S HESH2BGE Ha$e you no heartS Ha$e you no senseS 1ook at the brute% (hink of "oor weak innocent E##ie in the c#utches of this s#a$edri$er, who s"ends his #ife &aking thousands of rough $io#ent work&en bend to his wi## and sweat for hi&@ a &an accusto&ed to ha$e great &asses of iron beaten into sha"e for hi& by stea&=ha&&ers% to fight with wo&en and gir#s o$er a ha#f"enny an hour ruth#ess#y% a ca"tain of industry, 0 think you ca## hi&, donNt youS 2re you going to f#ing your de#icate, sweet, he#"#ess chi#d into such a beastNs c#aws just because he wi## kee" her in an ex"ensi$e house and &ake her wear dia&onds to show how rich he isS B2XX090 :staring at her in wide=eyed a&a8e&ent; B#ess you, dear Brs Hushabye, what ro&antic ideas of business you ha$e% Poor dear Bangan isnNt a bit #ike that B-S HESH2BGE :scornfu##y; Poor dear Bangan indeed%

B2XX090 But he doesnNt know anything about &achinery He ne$er goes near the &en@ he cou#dnNt &anage the&@ he is afraid of the& 0 ne$er can get hi& to take the #east interest in the works@ he hard#y knows &ore about the& than you do Peo"#e are crue##y unjust to Bangan@ they think he is a## rugged strength just because his &anners are bad B-S HESH2BGE )o you &ean to te## &e he isnNt strong enough to crush "oor #itt#e E##ieS B2XX090 Cf course itNs $ery hard to say how any &arriage wi## turn outI but s"eaking for &yse#f, 0 shou#d say that he wonNt ha$e a dogNs chance against E##ie Gou know, E##ie has re&arkab#e strength of character 0 think it is because 0 taught her to #ike Shakes"eare when she was $ery young

B-S HESH2BGE wi## te## &e than Bangan end of it in

:conte&"tuous#y; Shakes"eare% (he next thing you is that you cou#d ha$e &ade a great dea# &ore &oney :She retires to the sofa, and sits down at the "ort the worst of hu&ors;

B2XX090 :fo##owing her and taking the other end; 9o@ 0N& no good at &aking &oney 0 donNt care enough for it, so&ehow 0N& not a&bitious% that &ust be it Bangan is wonderfu# about &oney@ he thinks of nothing e#se He is so dreadfu##y afraid of being "oor 0 a& a#ways thinking of other things@ e$en at the works 0 think of the things we are doing and not of what they cost 2nd the worst of it is, "oor Bangan doesnNt know what to do with his &oney when he gets it He is such a baby that he doesnNt know e$en what to eat and drink@ he has ruined his #i$er eating and drinking the wrong thingsI and now he can hard#y eat at a## E##ie wi## diet hi& s"#endid#y Gou wi## be sur"rised when you co&e to know hi& better@ he is rea##y the &ost he#"#ess of &orta#s Gou get Duite a "rotecti$e fee#ing towards hi& B-S HESH2BGE B2XX090 0 do (hen who &anages his business, "rayS 2nd of course other "eo"#e #ike &e +oot#ing "eo"#e, you &ean

B-S HESH2BGE B2XX090

0 su""ose youNd think us so

B-S HESH2BGE 2nd "ray why donNt you do without hi& if youNre a## so &uch c#e$ererS B2XX090 Ch, we cou#dnNt@ we shou#d ruin the business in a year 0N$e triedI and 0 know 'e shou#d s"end too &uch on e$erything 'e shou#d i&"ro$e the Dua#ity of the goods and &ake the& too dear 'e shou#d be senti&enta# about the hard cases a&ong the work "eo"#e But Bangan kee"s us in order He is down on us about e$ery extra ha#f"enny 'e cou#d ne$er do without hi& Gou see, he wi## sit u" a## night thinking of how to sa$e six"ence 'onNt E##ie &ake hi& ju&", though, when she takes his house in hand% B-S HESH2BGE industry% (hen the creature is a fraud e$en as a ca"tain of

B2XX090 0 a& afraid a## the ca"tains of industry are what you ca## frauds, Brs Hushabye Cf course there are so&e &anufacturers who rea##y do understand their own worksI but they donNt &ake as high a rate of "rofit as Bangan does 0 assure you Bangan is Duite a good fe##ow in his way He &eans we## B-S HESH2BGE is heS He doesnNt #ook we## He is not in his first youth,

B2XX090 2fter a##, no husband is in his first youth for $ery #ong, Brs Hushabye 2nd &en canNt afford to &arry in their first youth nowadays B-S HESH2BGE 9ow if 0 said that, it wou#d sound witty 'hy canNt you say it witti#yS 'hat on earth is the &atter with youS 'hy

donNt you ins"ire e$erybody with confidenceS with res"ectS B2XX090 :hu&b#y; 0 think that what is the &atter with &e is that 0 a& "oor Gou donNt know what that &eans at ho&e Bind@ 0 donNt say they ha$e e$er co&"#ained (heyN$e a## been wonderfu#@ theyN$e been "roud of &y "o$erty (heyN$e e$en joked about it Duite often But &y wife has had a $ery "oor ti&e of it She has been Duite resigned== B-S HESH2BGE :shuddering in$o#untari#y%% B2XX090 (here% Gou see, Brs Hushabye on resignation 0 donNt want E##ie to #i$e

B-S HESH2BGE )o you want her to ha$e to resign herse#f to #i$ing with a &an she doesnNt #o$eS B2XX090 :wistfu##y; 2re you sure that wou#d be worse than #i$ing with a &an she did #o$e, if he was a foot#ing "ersonS B-S HESH2BGE :re#axing her conte&"tuous attitude, Duite interested in Ba88ini now; Gou know, 0 rea##y think you &ust #o$e E##ie $ery &uchI for you beco&e Duite c#e$er when you ta#k about her B2XX090 0 didnNt know 0 was so $ery stu"id on other subjects Gou are, so&eti&es

B-S HESH2BGE

B2XX090 :turning his head awayI for his eyes are wet; 0 ha$e #earnt a good dea# about &yse#f fro& you, Brs HushabyeI and 0N& afraid 0 sha## not be the ha""ier for your "#ain s"eaking But if you thought 0 needed it to &ake &e think of E##ieNs ha""iness you were $ery &uch &istaken B-S HESH2BGE :#eaning towards hi& kind#y; Ha$e 0 been a beastS

B2XX090 :"u##ing hi&se#f together; 0t doesnNt &atter about &e, Brs Hushabye 0 think you #ike E##ieI and that is enough for &e B-S HESH2BGE 0N& beginning to #ike you a #itt#e 0 "erfect#y #oathed you at first 0 thought you the &ost odious, se#f=satisfied, boreso&e e#der#y "rig 0 e$er &et B2XX090 :resigned, and now Duite cheerfu#; 0 daresay 0 a& a## that 0 ne$er ha$e been a fa$orite with gorgeous wo&en #ike you (hey a#ways frighten &e B-S HESH2BGE :"#eased; 2& 0 a gorgeous wo&an, Ba88iniS 0 sha## fa## in #o$e with you "resent#y B2XX090 :with "#acid ga##antry; 9o, you wonNt, Hesione But you wou#d be Duite safe 'ou#d you be#ie$e it that Duite a #ot of wo&en ha$e f#irted with &e because 0 a& Duite safeS But they get tired of &e for the sa&e reason B-S HESH2BGE :&ischie$ous#y; as you think (ake care Gou &ay not be so safe

B2XX090 Ch yes, Duite safe Gou see, 0 ha$e been in #o$e rea##y@ the sort of #o$e that on#y ha""ens once :Soft#y; (hatNs why E##ie is such a #o$e#y gir# B-S HESH2BGE 'e##, rea##y, you are co&ing out 2re you Duite sure you wonNt #et &e te&"t you into a second grand "assionS B2XX090 Uuite 0t wou#dnNt be natura# (he fact is, you donNt strike on &y box, Brs HushabyeI and 0 certain#y donNt strike on yours B-S HESH2BGE 0 see Gour &arriage was a safety &atch

B2XX090 'hat a $ery witty a""#ication of the ex"ression 0 used% 0 shou#d ne$er ha$e thought of it E##ie co&es in fro& the garden, #ooking anything but ha""y B-S HESH2BGE :rising; behind the sofa; Ch% here is E##ie at #ast :She goes

E110E :on the thresho#d of the starboard door; wanted &e@ you and "a"a

Guinness said you

B-S HESH2BGE Gou ha$e ke"t us waiting so #ong that it a#&ost ca&e to==we##, ne$er &ind Gour father is a $ery wonderfu# &an :she ruff#es his hair affectionate#y;@ the on#y one 0 e$er &et who cou#d resist &e when 0 &ade &yse#f rea##y agreeab#e :She co&es to the big chair, on BanganNs #eft; !o&e here 0 ha$e so&ething to show you :E##ie stro##s #ist#ess#y to the other side of the chair; 1ook E110E :conte&"#ating Bangan without interest; 0 know He is on#y as#ee" 'e had a ta#k after dinnerI and he fe## as#ee" in the &idd#e of it B-S HESH2BGE Gou did it, E##ie Gou "ut hi& as#ee" Ch,

B2XX090 :rising Duick#y and co&ing to the back of the chair; 0 ho"e not )id you, E##ieS E110E :weari#y; B2XX090 He asked &e to Gou know what ha""ened to &e Ch, 0 daresay 0 can wake hi& 0f

But itNs dangerous

E110E :utter#y indifferent; not, so&ebody e#se can

B-S HESH2BGE 0t doesnNt &atter, anyhow, because 0 ha$e at #ast "ersuaded your father that you donNt want to &arry hi& E110E :sudden#y co&ing out of her #ist#essness, &uch $exed; But why did you do that, HesioneS 0 do want to &arry hi& 0 fu##y intend to &arry hi& B2XX090 2re you Duite sure, E##ieS Brs Hushabye has &ade &e fee# that 0 &ay ha$e been thought#ess and se#fish about it

E110E :$ery c#ear#y and steadi#y; Pa"a 'hen Brs Hushabye takes it on herse#f to ex"#ain to you what 0 think or donNt think, shut your ears tightI and shut your eyes too Hesione knows nothing about &e@ she hasnNt the #east notion of the sort of "erson 0 a&, and ne$er wi## 0 "ro&ise you 0 wonNt do anything 0 donNt want to do and &ean to do for &y own sake B2XX090 Gou are Duite, Duite sureS 9ow you &ust go away and #ea$e &e to Sha## 0 be in the wayS

E110E Uuite, Duite sure ta#k to Brs Hushabye B2XX090

But 0 shou#d #ike to hear

E110E :inexorab#e;

0 had rather ta#k to her a#one

B2XX090 :affectionate#y; Ch, we##, 0 know what a nuisance "arents are, dear 0 wi## be good and go :He goes to the garden door; By the way, do you re&e&ber the address of that "rofessiona# who woke &e u"S )onNt you think 0 had better te#egra"h to hi&S B-S HESH2BGE :&o$ing towards the sofa; te#egra"h tonight 0tNs too #ate to

B2XX090 0 su""ose so 0 do ho"e heN## wake u" in the course of the night :He goes out into the garden; E110E :turning $igorous#y on Hesione the &o&ent her father is out of the roo&; Hesione, what the de$i# do you &ean by &aking &ischief with &y father about BanganS B-S HESH2BGE :"ro&"t#y #osing her te&"er; )onNt you dare s"eak to &e #ike that, you #itt#e &inx -e&e&ber that you are in &y house E110E Stuff% 'hy donNt you &ind your own businessS 'hat is it to you whether 0 choose to &arry Bangan or notS B-S HESH2BGE )o you su""ose you can bu##y &e, you &iserab#e #itt#e &atri&onia# ad$enturerS E110E E$ery wo&an who hasnNt any &oney is a &atri&onia# ad$enturer 0tNs easy for you to ta#k@ you ha$e ne$er known what it is to want &oneyI and you can "ick u" &en as if they were daisies 0 a& "oor and res"ectab#e== B-S HESH2BGE :interru"ting; Ho% res"ectab#e% How did you "ick u" BanganS How did you "ick u" &y husbandS Gou ha$e the audacity to te## &e that 0 a& a==a==a== E110E 2 siren So you are Gou were born to #ead &en by the nose@ if you werenNt, Barcus wou#d ha$e waited for &e, "erha"s B-S HESH2BGE :sudden#y &e#ting and ha#f #aughing; Ch, &y "oor E##ie, &y "ettikins, &y unha""y dar#ing% 0 a& so sorry about Hector But what can 0 doS 0tNs not &y fau#t@ 0Nd gi$e hi& to you

if 0 cou#d E110E 0 donNt b#a&e you for that

B-S HESH2BGE 'hat a brute 0 was to Duarre# with you and ca## you na&es% )o kiss &e and say youNre not angry with &e E110E :fierce#y; Ch, donNt s#o" and gush and be senti&enta# )onNt you see that un#ess 0 can be hard==as hard as nai#s==0 sha## go &adS 0 donNt care a da&n about your ca##ing &e na&es@ do you think a wo&an in &y situation can fee# a few hard wordsS B-S HESH2BGE Poor #itt#e wo&an% Poor #itt#e situation%

E110E 0 su""ose you think youNre being sy&"athetic Gou are just foo#ish and stu"id and se#fish Gou see &e getting a s&asher right in the face that ki##s a who#e "art of &y #ife@ the best "art that can ne$er co&e againI and you think you can he#" &e o$er it by a #itt#e coaxing and kissing 'hen 0 want a## the strength 0 can get to #ean on@ so&ething iron, so&ething stony, 0 donNt care how crue# it is, you go a## &ushy and want to s#obber o$er &e 0N& not angryI 0N& not unfriend#yI but for GodNs sake do "u## yourse#f togetherI and donNt think that because youNre on $e#$et and a#ways ha$e been, wo&en who are in he## can take it as easi#y as you B-S HESH2BGE :shrugging her shou#ders; ,ery we## :She sits down on the sofa in her o#d "#ace But 0 warn you that when 0 a& neither coaxing and kissing nor #aughing, 0 a& just wondering how &uch #onger 0 can stand #i$ing in this crue#, da&nab#e wor#d Gou object to the siren@ we##, 0 dro" the siren Gou want to rest your wounded boso& against a grindstone 'e## :fo#ding her ar&s; here is the grindstone E110E :sitting down beside her, a""eased; (hatNs better@ you rea##y ha$e the trick of fa##ing in with e$eryoneNs &oodI but you donNt understand, because you are not the sort of wo&an for who& there is on#y one &an and on#y one chance B-S HESH2BGE 0 certain#y donNt understand how your &arrying that object :indicating Bangan; wi## conso#e you for not being ab#e to &arry Hector E110E Perha"s you donNt understand why 0 was Duite a nice gir# this &orning, and a& now neither a gir# nor "articu#ar#y nice B-S HESH2BGE Ch, yes, 0 do 0tNs because you ha$e &ade u" your &ind to do so&ething des"icab#e and wicked E110E 0 donNt think so, Hesione ruined house B-S HESH2BGE 0 &ust &ake the best of &y Gour house isnNt ruined

Pooh% GouN## get o$er it

E110E Cf course 0 sha## get o$er it Gou donNt su""ose 0N& going to sit down and die of a broken heart, 0 ho"e, or be an o#d &aid #i$ing on a "ittance fro& the Sick and 0ndigent -oo&kee"ersN 2ssociation But &y heart is broken, a## the sa&e 'hat 0 &ean by

that is that 0 know that what has ha""ened to &e with Barcus wi## not ha""en to &e e$er again 0n the wor#d for &e there is Barcus and a #ot of other &en of who& one is just the sa&e as another 'e##, if 0 canNt ha$e #o$e, thatNs no reason why 0 shou#d ha$e "o$erty 0f Bangan has nothing e#se, he has &oney B-S HESH2BGE 2nd are there no GCE9G &en with &oneyS

E110E 9ot within &y reach Besides, a young &an wou#d ha$e the right to ex"ect #o$e fro& &e, and wou#d "erha"s #ea$e &e when he found 0 cou#d not gi$e it to hi& -ich young &en can get rid of their wi$es, you know, "retty chea"#y But this object, as you ca## hi&, can ex"ect nothing &ore fro& &e than 0 a& "re"ared to gi$e hi& B-S HESH2BGE He wi## be your owner, re&e&ber 0f he buys you, he wi## &ake the bargain "ay hi& and not you 2sk your father E110E :rising and stro##ing to the chair to conte&"#ate their subject; Gou need not troub#e on that score, Hesione 0 ha$e &ore to gi$e Boss Bangan than he has to gi$e &e@ it is 0 who a& buying hi&, and at a "retty good "rice too, 0 think 'o&en are better at that sort of bargain than &en 0 ha$e taken the BossNs &easureI and ten Boss Bangans sha## not "re$ent &e doing far &ore as 0 "#ease as his wife than 0 ha$e e$er been ab#e to do as a "oor gir# :Stoo"ing to the recu&bent figure; Sha## they, BossS 0 think not :She "asses on to the drawing=tab#e, and #eans against the end of it, facing the windows; 0 sha## not ha$e to s"end &ost of &y ti&e wondering how #ong &y g#o$es wi## #ast, anyhow B-S HESH2BGE :rising su"erb#y; E##ie, you are a wicked, sordid #itt#e beast 2nd to think that 0 actua##y condescended to fascinate that creature there to sa$e you fro& hi&% 'e##, #et &e te## you this@ if you &ake this disgusting &atch, you wi## ne$er see Hector again if 0 can he#" it E110E :un&o$ed; 0 nai#ed Bangan by te##ing hi& that if he did not &arry &e he shou#d ne$er see you again :she #ifts herse#f on her wrists and seats herse#f on the end of the tab#e; B-S HESH2BGE :recoi#ing; Ch%

E110E So you see 0 a& not un"re"ared for your "#aying that tru&" against &e 'e##, you just try it@ thatNs a## 0 shou#d ha$e &ade a &an of Barcus, not a househo#d "et B-S HESH2BGE :f#a&ing; Gou dare% Set hi& thinking about &e if

E110E :#ooking a#&ost dangerous; you dare

B-S HESH2BGE 'e##, of a## the i&"udent #itt#e fiends 0 e$er &et% Hector says there is a certain "oint at which the on#y answer you can gi$e to a &an who breaks a## the ru#es is to knock hi& down 'hat wou#d you say if 0 were to box your earsS E110E :ca#&#y; 0 shou#d "u## your hair

B-S HESH2BGE :&ischie$ous#y; co&es off at night

(hat wou#dnNt hurt &e

Perha"s it

E110E :so taken aback that she dro"s off the tab#e and runs to her; Ch, you donNt &ean to say, Hesione, that your beautifu# b#ack hair is fa#seS B-S HESH2BGE :"atting it; )onNt te## Hector He be#ie$es in it

E110E :groaning; Ch% E$en the hair that ensnared hi& fa#se% E$erything fa#se% B-S HESH2BGE Pu## it and try Cther wo&en can snare &en in their hairI but 0 can swing a baby on &ine 2ha% you canNt do that, Go#dy#ocks E110E :heartbroken; 9o Gou ha$e sto#en &y babies

B-S HESH2BGE Pettikins, donNt &ake &e cry Gou know what you said about &y &aking a househo#d "et of hi& is a #itt#e true Perha"s he ought to ha$e waited for you 'ou#d any other wo&an on earth forgi$e youS E110E Ch, what right had you to take hi& a## for yourse#f% :Pu##ing herse#f together; (here% Gou cou#dnNt he#" it@ neither of us cou#d he#" it He cou#dnNt he#" it 9o, donNt say anything &ore@ 0 canNt bear it 1et us wake the object :She begins stroking BanganNs head, re$ersing the &o$e&ent with which she "ut hi& to s#ee"; 'ake u", do you hearS Gou are to wake u" at once 'ake u", wake u", wake== B29G29 :bouncing out of the chair in a fury and turning on the&; 'ake u"% So you think 0N$e been as#ee", do youS :He kicks the chair $io#ent#y back out of his way, and gets between the&; Gou throw &e into a trance so that 0 canNt &o$e hand or foot==0 &ight ha$e been buried a#i$e% itNs a &ercy 0 wasnNt==and then you think 0 was on#y as#ee" 0f youNd #et &e dro" the two ti&es you ro##ed &e about, &y nose wou#d ha$e been f#attened for #ife against the f#oor But 0N$e found you a## out, anyhow 0 know the sort of "eo"#e 0N& a&ong now 0N$e heard e$ery word youN$e said, you and your "recious father, and :to Brs Hushabye; you too So 0N& an object, a& 0S 0N& a thing, a& 0S 0N& a foo# that hasnNt sense enough to feed &yse#f "ro"er#y, a& 0S 0N& afraid of the &en that wou#d star$e if it werenNt for the wages 0 gi$e the&, a& 0S 0N& nothing but a disgusting o#d skinf#int to be &ade a con$enience of by designing wo&en and foo# &anagers of &y works, a& 0S 0N&== B-S HESH2BGE :with the &ost e#egant a"#o&b; Sh=sh=sh=sh=sh% Br Bangan, you are bound in honor to ob#iterate fro& your &ind a## you heard whi#e you were "retending to be as#ee" 0t was not &eant for you to hear B29G29 Pretending to be as#ee"% )o you think if 0 was on#y "retending that 0Nd ha$e s"raw#ed there he#"#ess, and #istened to such unfairness, such #ies, such injustice and "#otting and backbiting and s#andering of &e, if 0 cou#d ha$e u" and to#d you what 0 thought of you% 0 wonder 0 didnNt burst

B-S HESH2BGE :sweet#y; Gou drea&t it a##, Br Bangan 'e were on#y saying how beautifu##y "eacefu# you #ooked in your s#ee" (hat was a##, wasnNt it, E##ieS Be#ie$e &e, Br Bangan, a## those un"#easant things ca&e into your &ind in the #ast ha#f second before you woke E##ie rubbed your hair the wrong wayI and the disagreeab#e sensation suggested a disagreeab#e drea& B29G29 :dogged#y; B-S HESH2BGE 0 be#ie$e in drea&s But they go by contraries, donNt theyS

So do 0

B29G29 :de"ths of e&otion sudden#y we##ing u" in hi&; 0 shanNt forget, to &y dying day, that when you ga$e &e the g#ad eye that ti&e in the garden, you were &aking a foo# of &e (hat was a dirty #ow &ean thing to do Gou had no right to #et &e co&e near you if 0 disgusted you 0t isnNt &y fau#t if 0N& o#d and ha$enNt a &oustache #ike a bron8e cand#estick as your husband has (here are things no decent wo&an wou#d do to a &an==#ike a &an hitting a wo&an in the breast Hesione, utter#y sha&ed, sits down on the sofa and co$ers her face with her hands Bangan sits down a#so on his chair and begins to cry #ike a chi#d E##ie stares at the& Brs Hushabye, at the distressing sound he &akes, takes down her hands and #ooks at hi& She rises and runs to hi& B-S HESH2BGE )onNt cry@ 0 canNt bear it Ha$e 0 broken your heartS 0 didnNt know you had one How cou#d 0S B29G29 0N& a &an, ainNt 0S

B-S HESH2BGE :ha#f coaxing, ha#f ra##ying, a#together tender#y; Ch no@ not what 0 ca## a &an Cn#y a Boss@ just that and nothing e#se 'hat business has a Boss with a heartS B29G29 (hen youNre not a bit sorry for what you did, nor asha&edS B-S HESH2BGE 0 was asha&ed for the first ti&e in &y #ife when you said that about hitting a wo&an in the breast, and 0 found out what 0Nd done By $ery bones b#ushed red GouN$e had your re$enge, Boss 2renNt you satisfiedS B29G29 Ser$e you right% )o you hearS Ser$e you right% GouNre just crue# !rue# B-S HESH2BGE Ges@ crue#ty wou#d be de#icious if one cou#d on#y find so&e sort of crue#ty that didnNt rea##y hurt By the way :sitting down beside hi& on the ar& of the chair;, whatNs your na&eS 0tNs not rea##y Boss, is itS B29G29 :short#y; 0f you want to know, &y na&eNs 2#fred 2#fred%% E##ie, he was christened

B-S HESH2BGE :s"rings u"; after (ennyson%%% B29G29 :rising;

0 was christened after &y unc#e, and ne$er had a

"enny fro& hi&, da&n hi&% 'hat of itS B-S HESH2BGE 0t co&es to &e sudden#y that you are a rea# "erson@ that you had a &other, #ike anyone e#se :Putting her hands on his shou#ders and sur$eying hi&; 1itt#e 2#f% B29G29 'e##, you ha$e a ner$e

B-S HESH2BGE 2nd you ha$e a heart, 2#fy, a whi&"ering #itt#e heart, but a rea# one :-e#easing hi& sudden#y; 9ow run and &ake it u" with E##ie She has had ti&e to think what to say to you, which is &ore than 0 had :she goes out Duick#y into the garden by the "ort door; B29G29 E110E (hat wo&an has a "air of hands that go right through you Sti## in #o$e with her, in s"ite of a## we said about youS

B29G29 2re a## wo&en #ike you twoS )o they ne$er think of anything about a &an exce"t what they can get out of hi&S Gou werenNt e$en thinking that about &e Gou were on#y thinking whether your g#o$es wou#d #ast E110E B29G29 there% E110E B29G29 0 sha## not ha$e to think about that when we are &arried 2nd you think 0 a& going to &arry you after what 0 heard Gou heard nothing fro& &e that 0 did not te## you before Perha"s you think 0 canNt do without you

E110E 0 think you wou#d fee# #one#y without us a##, now, after co&ing to know us so we## B29G29 :with so&ething #ike a ye## of des"air; ha$e the #ast wordS 2& 0 ne$er to (here

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :a""earing at the starboard garden door; is a sou# in tor&ent here 'hat is the &atterS

B29G29 (his gir# doesnNt want to s"end her #ife wondering how #ong her g#o$es wi## #ast !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :"assing through; :he goes into the "antry; )onNt wear any 0 ne$er do

12)G E((E-'C-) :a""earing at the "ort garden door, in a handso&e dinner dress; 0s anything the &atterS E110E wordS (his gent#e&an wants to know is he ne$er to ha$e the #ast

12)G E((E-'C-) :co&ing forward to the sofa; 0 shou#d #et hi& ha$e it, &y dear (he i&"ortant thing is not to ha$e the #ast word, but to ha$e your own way B29G29 She wants both

12)G E((E-'C-) She wonNt get the&, Br Bangan has the #ast word

Pro$idence a#ways

B29G29 :des"erate#y; 9ow you are going to co&e re#igion o$er &e 0n this house a &anNs &ind &ight as we## be a footba## 0N& going :He &akes for the ha##, but is sto""ed by a hai# fro& the !a"tain, who has just e&erged fro& his "antry; !2P(209 SHC(C,E'hither away, Boss BanganS

B29G29 (o he## out of this house@ #et that be enough for you and a## here !2P(209 SHC(C,E- Gou were we#co&e to co&e@ you are free to go (he wide earth, the high seas, the s"acious skies are waiting for you outside 12)G E((E-'C-) But your things, Br Bangan and brushes, your "yja&as== Gour bag, your co&b

HE!(C- :who has just a""eared in the "ort doorway in a handso&e 2rab costu&e; 'hy shou#d the esca"ing s#a$e take his chains with hi&S B29G29 (hatNs right, Hushabye &uch good &ay they do you Aee" the "yja&as, &y #ady, and

HE!(C- :ad$ancing to 1ady EtterwordNs #eft hand; 1et us a## go out into the night and #ea$e e$erything behind us B29G29 Gou stay where you are, the #ot of you co&"any, es"ecia##y fe&a#e co&"any E110E 1et hi& go He is unha""y here 0 want no

He is angry with us

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Go, Boss BanganI and when you ha$e found the #and where there is ha""iness and where there are no wo&en, send &e its #atitude and #ongitudeI and 0 wi## join you there 12)G E((E-'C-) Gou wi## certain#y not be co&fortab#e without your #uggage, Br Bangan E110E :i&"atient; Go, go@ why donNt you goS 0t is a hea$en#y night@ you can s#ee" on the heath (ake &y water"roof to #ie on@ it is hanging u" in the ha## HE!(C- Breakfast at nine, un#ess you "refer to breakfast with the ca"tain at six E110E Good night, 2#fred

HE!(C- 2#fred% :He runs back to the door and ca##s into the garden; -anda##, BanganNs !hristian na&e is 2#fred -29)211 :a""earing in the starboard doorway in e$ening dress; (hen Hesione wins her bet

Brs Hushabye a""ears in the "ort doorway She throws her #eft ar& round HectorNs neck@ draws hi& with her to the back of the sofa@ and throws her right ar& round 1ady EtterwordNs neck B-S HESH2BGE (hey wou#dnNt be#ie$e &e, 2#f

(hey conte&"#ate hi& B29G29 0s there any &ore of you co&ing in to #ook at &e, as if 0 was the #atest thing in a &enagerieS B-S HESH2BGE Gou are the #atest thing in this &enagerie

Before Bangan can retort, a fa## of furniture is heard fro& u"stairs@ then a "isto# shot, and a ye## of "ain (he staring grou" breaks u" in consternation B2XX090NS ,C0!E :fro& abo$e; HE!(C- :his eyes b#a8ing; He#"% 2 burg#ar% He#"%

2 burg#ar%%%

B-S HESH2BGE 9o, Hector@ youN## be shot :but it is too #ateI he has dashed out "ast Bangan, who hasti#y &o$es towards the bookshe#$es out of his way; !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :b#owing his whist#e; strides out after Hector; 12)G E((E-'C-) 2## hands a#oft% :He

By dia&onds% :She fo##ows the ca"tain; 9o 2riadne 1et &e

-29)211 :rushing after her; E110E

Ch, is "a"a shotS :She runs out; 2re you frightened, 2#fS 0t ainNt &y house, thank God

B-S HESH2BGE B29G29 9o

B-S HESH2BGE 0f they catch a burg#ar, sha## we ha$e to go into court as witnesses, and be asked a## sorts of Duestions about our "ri$ate #i$esS B29G29 Gou wonNt be be#ie$ed if you te## the truth

Ba88ini, terrib#y u"set, with a due##ing "isto# in his hand, co&es fro& the ha##, and &akes his way to the drawing=tab#e B2XX090 Ch, &y dear Brs Hushabye, 0 &ight ha$e ki##ed hi& :He throws the "isto# on the tab#e and staggers round to the chair; 0 ho"e you wonNt be#ie$e 0 rea##y intended to Hector co&es in, &arching an o#d and $i##ainous #ooking &an before hi& by the co##ar He "#ants hi& in the &idd#e of the roo& and re#eases hi& E##ie fo##ows, and i&&ediate#y runs across to the back of her fatherNs chair and "ats his shou#ders

-29)211 :entering with a "oker; Aee" your eye on this door, Bangan 0N## #ook after the other :he goes to the starboard door and stands on guard there; 1ady Etterword co&es in after -anda##, and goes between Brs Hushabye and Bangan 9urse Guinness brings u" the rear, and waits near the door, on BanganNs #eft B-S HESH2BGE 'hat has ha""enedS 0

B2XX090 Gour housekee"er to#d &e there was so&ebody u"stairs, and ga$e &e a "isto# that Br Hushabye had been "ractising with thought it wou#d frighten hi&I but it went off at a touch (HE BE-G12- Ges, and took the skin off &y ear Precious near took the to" off &y head 'hy donNt you ha$e a "ro"er re$o#$er instead of a thing #ike that, that goes off if you as &uch as b#ow on itS HE!(CB2XX090 Cne of &y due##ing "isto#s Sorry

He "ut his hands u" and said it was a fair co" So it was Send for the "o#ice 'e were four to

(HE BE-G12HE!(Cone

9o, by thunder% 0t was not a fair co" 'hat wi## they do to hi&S

B-S HESH2BGE

(HE BE-G12- (en years Beginning with so#itary (en years off &y #ife 0 shanNt ser$e it a##@ 0N& too o#d 0t wi## see &e out 12)G E((E-'C-) &y dia&onds Gou shou#d ha$e thought of that before you sto#e

(HE BE-G12- 'e##, youN$e got the& back, #ady, ha$enNt youS !an you gi$e &e back the years of &y #ife you are going to take fro& &eS B-S HESH2BGE few dia&onds (HE BE-G12Ch, we canNt bury a &an a#i$e for ten years for a (en #itt#e shining dia&onds% (en #ong b#ack years%

12)G E((E-'C-) (hink of what it is for us to be dragged through the horrors of a cri&ina# court, and ha$e a## our fa&i#y affairs in the "a"ers% 0f you were a nati$e, and Hastings cou#d order you a good beating and send you away, 0 shou#dnNt &indI but here in Eng#and there is no rea# "rotection for any res"ectab#e "erson (HE BE-G12- 0N& too o#d to be gi$ a hiding, #ady Send for the "o#ice and ha$e done with it 0tNs on#y just and right you shou#d -29)211 :who has re#axed his $igi#ance on seeing the burg#ar so

"acifica##y dis"osed, and co&es forward swinging the "oker between his fingers #ike a we## fo#ded u&bre##a; 0t is neither just nor right that we shou#d be "ut to a #ot of incon$enience to gratify your &ora# enthusias&, &y friend Gou had better get out, whi#e you ha$e the chance (HE BE-G12- :inexorab#y; 9o 0 &ust work &y sin off &y conscience (his has co&e as a sort of ca## to &e 1et &e s"end the rest of &y #ife re"enting in a ce## 0 sha## ha$e &y reward abo$e B29G29 :exas"erated; this house (he $ery burg#ars canNt beha$e natura##y in

HE!(C- By good sir, you &ust work out your sa#$ation at so&ebody e#seNs ex"ense 9obody here is going to charge you (HE BE-G12Ch, you wonNt charge &e, wonNt youS

HE!(C- 9o 0N& sorry to be inhos"itab#eI but wi## you kind#y #ea$e the houseS (HE BE-G12- -ight 0N## go to the "o#ice station and gi$e &yse#f u" :He turns reso#ute#y to the door@ but Hector sto"s hi&; HE!(C-29)211 B-S :s"eaking together; HESH2BGE Y Ch, no Gou &ustnNt do that Y 9o no !#ear out &an, canNt youI and donNt be a foo# Y )onNt be so si##y !anNt you re"ent at ho&eS

12)G E((E-'C-) (HE BE-G12-

Gou wi## ha$e to do as you are to#d

0tNs co&"ounding a fe#ony, you know

B-S HESH2BGE (his is utter#y ridicu#ous 2re we to be forced to "rosecute this &an when we donNt want toS (HE BE-G12- 2& 0 to be robbed of &y sa#$ation to sa$e you the troub#e of s"ending a day at the sessionsS 0s that justiceS 0s it rightS 0s it fair to &eS B2XX090 :rising and #eaning across the tab#e "ersuasi$e#y as if it were a "u#"it desk or a sho" counter; !o&e, co&e% #et &e show you how you can turn your $ery cri&es to account 'hy not set u" as a #ocks&ithS Gou &ust know &ore about #ocks than &ost honest &enS (HE BE-G12- (hatNs true, sir #ocks&ith under twenty "ounds But 0 cou#dnNt set u" as a Gou wi## find

-29)211 'e##, you can easi#y stea# twenty "ounds it in the nearest bank

(HE BE-G12- :horrified; Ch, what a thing for a gent#e&an to "ut into the head of a "oor cri&ina# scra&b#ing out of the botto&#ess "it as it were% Ch, sha&e on you, sir% Ch, God forgi$e you% :He throws hi&se#f into the big chair and co$ers his face as if in

"rayer; 12)G E((E-'C-) -ea##y, -anda##%

HE!(C- 0t see&s to &e that we sha## ha$e to take u" a co##ection for this ino""ortune#y contrite sinner 12)G E((E-'C-) But twenty "ounds is ridicu#ous 0 sha## ha$e to buy a #ot of

(HE BE-G12- :#ooking u" Duick#y; too#s, #ady 12)G E((E-'C-)

9onsense@ you ha$e your burg#ing kit

(HE BE-G12- 'hatNs a ji&&y and a centrebit and an acety#ene we#ding "#ant and a bunch of ske#eton keysS 0 sha## want a forge, and a s&ithy, and a sho", and fittings 0 canNt hard#y do it for twenty HE!(CBy worthy friend, we ha$enNt got twenty "ounds Gou can raise it a&ong

(HE BE-G12- :now &aster of the situation; you, canNt youS B-S HESH2BGE

Gi$e hi& a so$ereign, Hector, and get rid of hi& (here% Cff with you

HE!(C- :gi$ing hi& a "ound;

(HE BE-G12- :rising and taking the &oney $ery ungratefu##y; 0 wonNt "ro&ise nothing Gou ha$e &ore on you than a Duid@ a## the #ot of you, 0 &ean 12)G E((E-'C-) :$igorous#y; Ch, #et us "rosecute hi& and ha$e done with it 0 ha$e a conscience too, 0 ho"eI and 0 do not fee# at a## sure that we ha$e any right to #et hi& go, es"ecia##y if he is going to be greedy and i&"ertinent (HE BE-G12- :Duick#y; 2## right, #ady, a## right 0N$e no wish to be anything but agreeab#e Good e$ening, #adies and gent#e&enI and thank you kind#y He is hurrying out when he is confronted in the doorway by !a"tain Shoto$er !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :fixing the burg#ar with a "iercing regard; 'hatNs thisS 2re there two of youS (HE BE-G12- :fa##ing on his knees before the ca"tain in abject terror; Ch, &y good 1ord, what ha$e 0 doneS )onNt te## &e itNs your house 0N$e broken into, !a"tain Shoto$er (he ca"tain sei8es hi& by the co##ar@ drags hi& to his feet@ and #eads hi& to the &idd#e of the grou", Hector fa##ing back beside his wife to &ake way for the& !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :turning hi& towards E##ie; daughterS :He re#eases hi&; 0s that your

(HE BE-G12- 'e##, how do 0 know, !a"tainS Gou know the sort of #ife you and &e has #ed 2ny young #ady of that age &ight be &y daughter anywhere in the wide wor#d, as you &ight say !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :to Ba88ini; Gou are not Bi##y )unn Bi##y )unn 'hy ha$e you i&"osed on &eS (his is

(HE BE-G12- :indignant#y to Ba88ini; Ha$e you been gi$ing yourse#f out to be &eS Gou, that nigh b#ew &y head off% Shooting yourse#f, in a &anner of s"eaking% B2XX090 By dear !a"tain Shoto$er, e$er since 0 ca&e into this house 0 ha$e done hard#y anything e#se but assure you that 0 a& not Br 'i##ia& )unn, but Ba88ini )unn, a $ery different "erson (HE BE-G12- He donNt be#ong to &y branch, !a"tain (hereNs two sets in the fa&i#y@ the thinking )unns and the drinking )unns, each going their own ways 0N& a drinking )unn@ heNs a thinking )unn But that didnNt gi$e hi& any right to shoot &e !2P(209 SHC(C,ESo youN$e turned burg#ar, ha$e youS

(HE BE-G12- 9o, !a"tain@ 0 wou#dnNt disgrace our o#d sea ca##ing by such a thing 0 a& no burg#ar 12)G E((E-'C-) GE099ESS burg#arS 'hat were you doing with &y dia&ondsS

'hat did you break into the house for if youNre no

-29)211 Bistook the house for your own and ca&e in by the wrong window, ehS (HE BE-G12- 'e##, itNs no use &y te##ing you a #ie@ 0 can take in &ost ca"tains, but not !a"tain Shoto$er, because he so#d hi&se#f to the de$i# in Xan8ibar, and can di$ine water, s"ot go#d, ex"#ode a cartridge in your "ocket with a g#ance of his eye, and see the truth hidden in the heart of &an But 0N& no burg#ar !2P(209 SHC(C,E2re you an honest &anS

(HE BE-G12- 0 donNt set u" to be better than &y fe##ow=creatures, and ne$er did, as you we## know, !a"tain But what 0 do is innocent and "ious 0 enDuire about for houses where the right sort of "eo"#e #i$e 0 work it on the& sa&e as 0 worked it here 0 break into the houseI "ut a few s"oons or dia&onds in &y "ocketI &ake a noiseI get caughtI and take u" a co##ection 2nd you wou#dnNt be#ie$e how hard it is to get caught when youNre actua##y trying to 0 ha$e knocked o$er a## the chairs in a roo& without a sou# "aying any attention to &e 0n the end 0 ha$e had to wa#k out and #ea$e the job -29)211 'hen that ha""ens, do you "ut back the s"oons and dia&ondsS (HE BE-G12- 'e##, 0 donNt f#y in the face of Pro$idence, if thatNs what you want to know

!2P(209 SHC(C,E-

Guinness, you re&e&ber this &anS

GE099ESS 0 shou#d think 0 do, seeing 0 was &arried to hi&, the b#ackguard% HES0C9E 12)G E((E-'C-) Z Z :exc#ai&ing together; Y Barried to hi&% Y Guinness%%

(HE BE-G12- 0t wasnNt #ega# 0N$e been &arried to no end of wo&en 9o use co&ing that o$er &e !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (ake hi& to the forecast#e :he f#ings hi& to the door with a strength beyond his years; GE099ESS 0 su""ose you &ean the kitchen (hey wonNt ha$e hi& there )o you ex"ect ser$ants to kee" co&"any with thie$es and a## sortsS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 1and=thie$es and water=thie$es are the sa&e f#esh and b#ood 0N## ha$e no boatswain on &y Duarter=deck Cff with you both (HE BE-G12B2XX090 Ges, !a"tain :He goes out hu&b#y;

'i## it be safe to ha$e hi& in the house #ike thatS

GE099ESS 'hy didnNt you shoot hi&, sirS 0f 0Nd known who he was, 0Nd ha$e shot hi& &yse#f :She goes out; B-S HESH2BGE sofa; )o sit down, e$erybody :She sits down on the

(hey a## &o$e exce"t E##ie Ba88ini resu&es his seat -anda## sits down in the window=seat near the starboard door, again &aking a "endu#u& of his "oker, and studying it as Ga#i#eo &ight ha$e done Hector sits on his #eft, in the &idd#e Bangan, forgotten, sits in the "ort corner 1ady Etterword takes the big chair !a"tain Shoto$er goes into the "antry in dee" abstraction (hey a## #ook after hi&@ and 1ady Etterword coughs conscious#y B-S HESH2BGE So Bi##y )unn was "oor nurseNs #itt#e ro&ance knew there had been so&ebody -29)211 (hey wi## fight their batt#es o$er again and enjoy the&se#$es i&&ense#y 12)G E((E-'C-) :irritab#y; Gou are not &arriedI and you know nothing about it, -anda## Ho#d your tongue -29)211 (yrant% 0

B-S HESH2BGE 'e##, we ha$e had a $ery exciting e$ening E$erything wi## be an antic#i&ax after it 'eNd better a## go to bed -29)211 2nother burg#ar &ay turn u"

B2XX090 -29)211

Ch, i&"ossib#e% 0 ho"e not 'hy notS (here is &ore than one burg#ar in Eng#and 'hat do you say, 2#fS

B-S HESH2BGE

B29G29 :huffi#y; Ch, 0 donNt &atter 0N& forgotten (he burg#ar has "ut &y nose out of joint Sho$e &e into a corner and ha$e done with &e B-S HESH2BGE :ju&"ing u" &ischie$ous#y, and going to hi&; you #ike a wa#k on the heath, 2#fredS 'ith &eS E110E you Go, Br Bangan 0t wi## do you good 'ou#d

Hesione wi## soothe

B-S HESH2BGE :s#i""ing her ar& under his and "u##ing hi& u"right; !o&e, 2#fred (here is a &oon@ itNs #ike the night in (ristan and 0so#de :She caresses his ar& and draws hi& to the "ort garden door; B29G29 :writhing but yie#ding; How you can ha$e the face=the heart=:he breaks down and is heard sobbing as she takes hi& out; 12)G E((E-'C-) 'hat an extraordinary way to beha$e% 'hat is the &atter with the &anS E110E :in a strange#y ca#& $oice, staring into an i&aginary distance; His heart is breaking@ that is a## :(he ca"tain a""ears at the "antry door, #istening; 0t is a curious sensation@ the sort of "ain that goes &ercifu##y beyond our "owers of fee#ing 'hen your heart is broken, your boats are burned@ nothing &atters any &ore 0t is the end of ha""iness and the beginning of "eace 12)G E((E-'C-) :sudden#y rising in a rage, to the astonish&ent of the rest; How dare youS HE!(CGood hea$ens% 'hatNs the &atterS (ch==tch=tch% Steady

-29)211 :in a warning whis"er;

E110E :sur"rised and haughty; 0 was not addressing you "articu#ar#y, 1ady Etterword 2nd 0 a& not accusto&ed to being asked how dare 0 12)G E((E-'C-) Cf course not been brought u" B2XX090 2nyone can see how bad#y you ha$e -ea##y% (he i&"udence%

Ch, 0 ho"e not, 1ady Etterword

12)G E((E-'C-) E110E

0 know $ery we## what you &eant

'hat on earth do you &eanS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :ad$ancing to the tab#e; She &eans that her heart wi## not break She has been #onging a## her #ife for so&eone to break it 2t #ast she has beco&e afraid she has none

to break 12)G E((E-'C-) :f#inging herse#f on her knees and throwing her ar&s round hi&; Pa"a, donNt say you think 0N$e no heart !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :raising her with gri& tenderness; 0f you had no heart how cou#d you want to ha$e it broken, chi#dS HE!(C- :rising with a bound; 1ady Etterword, you are not to be trusted Gou ha$e &ade a scene :he runs out into the garden through the starboard door; 12)G E((E-'C-) Ch% Hector, Hector% :she runs out after hi&;

-29)211 Cn#y ner$es, 0 assure you :He rises and fo##ows her, wa$ing the "oker in his agitation; 2riadne% 2riadne% +or GodNs sake, be carefu# Gou wi##==:he is gone; B2XX090 :rising; How distressing% !an 0 do anything, 0 wonderS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :"ro&"t#y taking his chair and setting to work at the drawing=board; 9o Go to bed Good=night B2XX090 :bewi#dered; E110E Ch% Perha"s you are right :She kisses hi&;

Good=night, dearest

B2XX090 Good=night, #o$e :He &akes for the door, but turns aside to the bookshe#$es; 0N## just take a book :he takes one; Good=night :He goes out, #ea$ing E##ie a#one with the ca"tain; (he ca"tain is intent on his drawing E##ie, standing sentry o$er his chair, conte&"#ates hi& for a &o&ent E110E )oes nothing e$er disturb you, !a"tain Shoto$erS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0N$e stood on the bridge for eighteen hours in a ty"hoon 1ife here is stor&ierI but 0 can stand it E110E )o you think 0 ought to &arry Br BanganS Cne rock is as good as

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :ne$er #ooking u"; another to be wrecked on E110E 0 a& not in #o$e with hi& 'ho said you wereS

!2P(209 SHC(C,EE110E

Gou are not sur"risedS Sur"rised% 2t &y age% He wants &e for one thing@ 0

!2P(209 SHC(C,E-

E110E 0t see&s to &e Duite fair want hi& for another !2P(209 SHC(C,EE110E Ges BoneyS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'e##, one turns the cheek@ the other kisses it Cne "ro$ides the cash@ the other s"ends it E110E 'ho wi## ha$e the best of the bargain, 0 wonderS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Gou (hese fe##ows #i$e in an office a## day Gou wi## ha$e to "ut u" with hi& fro& dinner to breakfastI but you wi## both be as#ee" &ost of that ti&e 2## day you wi## be Duit of hi&I and you wi## be sho""ing with his &oney 0f that is too &uch for you, &arry a seafaring &an@ you wi## be bothered with hi& on#y three weeks in the year, "erha"s E110E (hat wou#d be best of a##, 0 su""ose

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0tNs a dangerous thing to be &arried right u" to the hi#t, #ike &y daughterNs husband (he &an is at ho&e a## day, #ike a da&ned sou# in he## E110E 0 ne$er thought of that before 0f youNre &arrying for business, you canNt be

!2P(209 SHC(C,Etoo business#ike E110E

'hy do wo&en a#ways want other wo&enNs husbandsS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'hy do horse=thie$es "refer a horse that is broken=in to one that is wi#dS E110E :with a short #augh; is% !2P(209 SHC(C,EE110E 0 su""ose so 'hat a $i#e wor#d it 0N& near#y out of it

0t doesnNt concern &e

2nd 0N& on#y just beginning GesI so #ook ahead

!2P(209 SHC(C,EE110E

'e##, 0 think 0 a& being $ery "rudent 0 didnNt say "rudent 0 said #ook ahead

!2P(209 SHC(C,EE110E

'hatNs the differenceS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0tNs "rudent to gain the who#e wor#d and #ose your own sou# But donNt forget that your sou# sticks to you if you stick to itI but the wor#d has a way of s#i""ing through your fingers E110E :weari#y, #ea$ing hi& and beginning to wander rest#ess#y about the roo&; 0N& sorry, !a"tain Shoto$erI but itNs no use ta#king #ike that to &e C#d=fashioned "eo"#e are no use to &e C#d=fashioned "eo"#e think you can ha$e a sou# without &oney (hey think the #ess &oney you ha$e, the &ore sou# you ha$e Goung "eo"#e nowadays know better 2 sou# is a $ery ex"ensi$e thing to kee"@ &uch &ore so than a &otor car !2P(209 SHC(C,E0s itS How &uch does your sou# eatS

E110E Ch, a #ot 0t eats &usic and "ictures and books and &ountains and #akes and beautifu# things to wear and nice "eo"#e to be with 0n this country you canNt ha$e the& without #ots of &oney@ that is why our sou#s are so horrib#y star$ed !2P(209 SHC(C,EBanganNs sou# #i$es on "igNs food

E110E Ges@ &oney is thrown away on hi& 0 su""ose his sou# was star$ed when he was young But it wi## not be thrown away on &e 0t is just because 0 want to sa$e &y sou# that 0 a& &arrying for &oney 2## the wo&en who are not foo#s do !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (here are other ways of getting &oney donNt you stea# itS E110E Because 0 donNt want to go to "rison 'hy

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0s that the on#y reasonS 2re you Duite sure honesty has nothing to do with itS E110E Ch, you are $ery $ery o#d=fashioned, !a"tain )oes any &odern gir# be#ie$e that the #ega# and i##ega# ways of getting &oney are the honest and dishonest waysS Bangan robbed &y father and &y fatherNs friends 0 shou#d rob a## the &oney back fro& Bangan if the "o#ice wou#d #et &e 2s they wonNt, 0 &ust get it back by &arrying hi& !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0 canNt argue@ 0N& too o#d@ &y &ind is &ade u" and finished 2## 0 can te## you is that, o#d=fashioned or new=fashioned, if you se## yourse#f, you dea# your sou# a b#ow that a## the books and "ictures and concerts and scenery in the wor#d wonNt hea# :he gets u" sudden#y and &akes for the "antry; E110E :running after hi& and sei8ing hi& by the s#ee$e; did you se## yourse#f to the de$i# in Xan8ibarS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :sto""ing, start#ed; 'hatS (hen why

E110E Gou sha## not run away before you answer 0 ha$e found out that trick of yours 0f you so#d yourse#f, why shou#dnNt 0S !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0 had to dea# with &en so degraded that they wou#dnNt obey &e un#ess 0 swore at the& and kicked the& and beat the& with &y fists +oo#ish "eo"#e took young thie$es off the streetsI f#ung the& into a training shi" where they were taught to fear the cane instead of fearing GodI and thought theyNd &ade &en and sai#ors of the& by "ri$ate subscri"tion 0 tricked these thie$es into be#ie$ing 0Nd so#d &yse#f to the de$i# 0t sa$ed &y sou# fro& the kicking and swearing that was da&ning &e by inches E110E :re#easing hi&; 0 sha## "retend to se## &yse#f to Boss Bangan to sa$e &y sou# fro& the "o$erty that is da&ning &e by inches !2P(209 SHC(C,E- -iches wi## da&n you ten ti&es dee"er wonNt sa$e e$en your body -iches

E110E C#d=fashioned again 'e know now that the sou# is the body, and the body the sou# (hey te## us they are different because they want to "ersuade us that we can kee" our sou#s if we #et the& &ake s#a$es of our bodies 0 a& afraid you are no use to &e, !a"tain !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'hat did you ex"ectS 2 Sa$ior, ehS 2re you o#d=fashioned enough to be#ie$e in thatS E110E 9o But 0 thought you were $ery wise, and &ight he#" &e 9ow 0 ha$e found you out Gou "retend to be busy, and think of fine things to say, and run in and out to sur"rise "eo"#e by saying the&, and get away before they can answer you !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0t confuses &e to be answered 0t discourages &e 0 cannot bear &en and wo&en 0 ha$e to run away 0 &ust run away now :he tries to; E110E :again sei8ing his ar&; Gou sha## not run away fro& &e 0 can hy"noti8e you Gou are the on#y "erson in the house 0 can say what 0 #ike to 0 know you are fond of &e Sit down :She draws hi& to the sofa; !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :yie#ding; (ake care@ 0 a& in &y dotage C#d &en are dangerous@ it doesnNt &atter to the& what is going to ha""en to the wor#d (hey sit side by side on the sofa She #eans affectionate#y against hi& with her head on his shou#der and her eyes ha#f c#osed E110E :drea&i#y; 0 shou#d ha$e thought nothing e#se &attered to o#d &en (hey canNt be $ery interested in what is going to ha""en to the&se#$es !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 2 &anNs interest in the wor#d is on#y the o$erf#ow fro& his interest in hi&se#f 'hen you are a chi#d your $esse# is not yet fu##I so you care for nothing but your own affairs 'hen you grow u", your $esse# o$erf#owsI and you are a "o#itician, a "hi#oso"her, or an ex"#orer and ad$enturer 0n o#d age the $esse# dries u"@ there is no o$erf#ow@ you are a chi#d again 0 can gi$e you the &e&ories of &y ancient wisdo&@ &ere scra"s and #ea$ingsI but 0 no #onger rea##y care for anything but &y own #itt#e wants and hobbies 0 sit here working out &y o#d ideas as a &eans of destroying &y fe##ow=creatures 0 see &y daughters and their &en #i$ing foo#ish #i$es of ro&ance and senti&ent and snobbery 0 see you, the younger generation, turning fro& their ro&ance and senti&ent and snobbery to &oney and co&fort and hard co&&on sense 0 was ten ti&es ha""ier on the bridge in the ty"hoon, or fro8en into 2rctic ice for &onths in darkness, than you or they ha$e e$er been Gou are #ooking for a rich husband 2t your age 0 #ooked for hardshi", danger, horror, and death, that 0 &ight fee# the #ife in &e &ore intense#y 0 did not #et the fear of death go$ern &y #ifeI and &y reward was, 0 had &y #ife Gou are going to #et the fear of "o$erty go$ern your #ifeI and your reward wi## be that you wi## eat, but you wi## not #i$e

E110E :sitting u" i&"atient#y; But what can 0 doS 0 a& not a sea ca"tain@ 0 canNt stand on bridges in ty"hoons, or go s#aughtering sea#s and wha#es in Green#andNs icy &ountains (hey wonNt #et wo&en be ca"tains )o you want &e to be a stewardessS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (here are worse #i$es (he stewardesses cou#d co&e ashore if they #ikedI but they sai# and sai# and sai# E110E 'hat cou#d they do ashore but &arry for &oneyS 0 donNt want to be a stewardess@ 0 a& too bad a sai#or (hink of so&ething e#se for &e !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0 canNt think so #ong and continuous#y too o#d 0 &ust go in and out :He tries to rise; E110E :"u##ing hi& back; arenNt youS Gou sha## not 0 a&

Gou are ha""y here, 0 canNt

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0 te## you itNs dangerous to kee" &e kee" awake and a#ert E110E 'hat do you run away forS (o s#ee"S 9o (o get a g#ass of ru&

!2P(209 SHC(C,E-

E110E :frightfu##y disi##usioned; you #ike being drunkS

0s that itS How disgusting% )o

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 9o@ 0 dread being drunk &ore than anything in the wor#d (o be drunk &eans to ha$e drea&sI to go softI to be easi#y "#eased and decei$edI to fa## into the c#utches of wo&en )rink does that for you when you are young But when you are o#d@ $ery $ery o#d, #ike &e, the drea&s co&e by the&se#$es Gou donNt know how terrib#e that is@ you are young@ you s#ee" at night on#y, and s#ee" sound#y But #ater on you wi## s#ee" in the afternoon 1ater sti## you wi## s#ee" e$en in the &orningI and you wi## awake tired, tired of #ife Gou wi## ne$er be free fro& do8ing and drea&sI the drea&s wi## stea# u"on your work e$ery ten &inutes un#ess you can awaken yourse#f with ru& 0 drink now to kee" soberI but the drea&s are conDuering@ ru& is not what it was@ 0 ha$e had ten g#asses since you ca&eI and it &ight be so &uch water Go get &e another@ Guinness knows where it is Gou had better see for yourse#f the horror of an o#d &an drinking E110E Gou sha## not drink )rea& 0 #ike you to drea& ne$er be in the rea# wor#d when we ta#k together Gou &ust

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0 a& too weary to resist, or too weak 0 a& in &y second chi#dhood 0 do not see you as you rea##y are 0 canNt re&e&ber what 0 rea##y a& 0 fee# nothing but the accursed ha""iness 0 ha$e dreaded a## &y #ife #ong@ the ha""iness that co&es as #ife goes, the ha""iness of yie#ding and drea&ing instead of resisting and doing, the sweetness of the fruit that is going rotten E110E Gou dread it a#&ost as &uch as 0 used to dread #osing &y drea&s and ha$ing to fight and do things But that is a## o$er for &e@ &y drea&s are dashed to "ieces 0 shou#d #ike to &arry a

$ery o#d, $ery rich &an 0 shou#d #ike to &arry you 0 had &uch rather &arry you than &arry Bangan 2re you $ery richS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 9o 1i$ing fro& hand to &outh 2nd 0 ha$e a wife so&ewhere in Ja&aica@ a b#ack one By first wife En#ess sheNs dead E110E 'hat a "ity% 0 fee# so ha""y with you :She takes his hand, a#&ost unconscious#y, and "ats it; 0 thought 0 shou#d ne$er fee# ha""y again !2P(209 SHC(C,EE110E 'hyS

)onNt you knowS 9o 0 fe## in #o$e with Hector, and didnNt know he

!2P(209 SHC(C,EE110E Heartbreak was &arried

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- HeartbreakS 2re you one of those who are so sufficient to the&se#$es that they are on#y ha""y when they are stri""ed of e$erything, e$en of ho"eS E110E :gri""ing the hand; 0t see&s soI for 0 fee# now as if there was nothing 0 cou#d not do, because 0 want nothing !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (hatNs the on#y rea# strength (hatNs better than ru& E110E :throwing away his hand; (hatNs genius

-u&% 'hy did you s"oi# itS

Hector and -anda## co&e in fro& the garden through the starboard door HE!(C0 beg your "ardon 'e did not know there was anyone here

E110E :rising; (hat &eans that you want to te## Br -anda## the story about the tiger !o&e, !a"tain@ 0 want to ta#k to &y fatherI and you had better co&e with &e !2P(209 SHC(C,E- :rising; 9onsense% the &an is in bed

E110E 2ha% 0N$e caught you By rea# father has gone to bedI but the father you ga$e &e is in the kitchen Gou knew Duite we## a## a#ong !o&e :She draws hi& out into the garden with her through the "ort door; HE!(C- (hatNs an extraordinary gir# on a string #ike a Pekinese dog -29)211 She has the 2ncient Bariner

9ow that they ha$e gone, sha## we ha$e a friend#y chatS 0 a& at your

HE!(C- Gou are in what is su""osed to be &y house dis"osa#

Hector sits down in the draughts&anNs chair, turning it to face -anda##, who re&ains standing, #eaning at his ease against the

car"enterNs bench -29)211 0 take it that we &ay be Duite frank Etterword 0 &ean about 1ady 0 ne$er &et

HE!(C- Gou &ay 0 ha$e nothing to be frank about her unti# this afternoon -29)211 :straightening u"; husband HE!(C-29)211 HE!(C-

'hat% But you are her sisterNs

'e##, if you co&e to that, you are her husbandNs brother But you see& to be on inti&ate ter&s with her So do you 0 ha$e known

-29)211 Ges@ but 0 2B on inti&ate ter&s with her her for years

HE!(C- 0t took her years to get to the sa&e "oint with you that she got to with &e in fi$e &inutes, it see&s -29)211 :$exed; -ea##y, 2riadne is the #i&it :he &o$es away huffish#y towards the windows; HE!(C- :coo##y; She is, as 0 re&arked to Hesione, a $ery enter"rising wo&an -29)211 :returning, &uch troub#ed; Gou see, Hushabye, you are what wo&en consider a good=#ooking &an HE!(C- 0 cu#ti$ated that a""earance in the days of &y $anityI and Hesione insists on &y kee"ing it u" She &akes &e wear these ridicu#ous things :indicating his 2rab costu&e; because she thinks &e absurd in e$ening dress -29)211 Sti##, you do kee" it u", o#d cha" 9ow, 0 assure you 0 ha$e not an ato& of jea#ousy in &y dis"osition HE!(C- (he Duestion wou#d see& to be rather whether your brother has any touch of that sort -29)211 'hat% Hastings% Ch, donNt troub#e about Hastings He has the gift of being ab#e to work sixteen hours a day at the du##est detai#, and actua##y #ikes it (hat gets hi& to the to" where$er he goes 2s #ong as 2riadne takes care that he is fed regu#ar#y, he is on#y too thankfu# to anyone who wi## kee" her in good hu&or for hi& HE!(C- 2nd as she has a## the Shoto$er fascination, there is "#enty of co&"etition for the job, ehS -29)211 :angri#y; She encourages the& Her conduct is "erfect#y scanda#ous 0 assure you, &y dear fe##ow, 0 ha$enNt an ato& of jea#ousy in &y co&"ositionI but she &akes herse#f the ta#k of e$ery "#ace she goes to by her thought#essness 0tNs nothing &ore@ she doesnNt rea##y care for the &en she kee"s hanging about

herI but how is the wor#d to know thatS 0tNs not fair to Hastings 0tNs not fair to &e HE!(CHer theory is that her conduct is so correct

-29)211 !orrect% She does nothing but &ake scenes fro& &orning ti## night Gou be carefu#, o#d cha" She wi## get you into troub#e@ that is, she wou#d if she rea##y cared for you HE!(C)oesnNt sheS

-29)211 9ot a scra" She &ay want your sca#" to add to her co##ectionI but her true affection has been engaged years ago Gou had rea##y better be carefu# HE!(C)o you suffer &uch fro& this jea#ousyS

-29)211 Jea#ousy% 0 jea#ous% By dear fe##ow, ha$enNt 0 to#d you that there is not an ato& of== HE!(C- Ges 2nd 1ady Etterword to#d &e she ne$er &ade scenes 'e##, donNt waste your jea#ousy on &y &oustache 9e$er waste jea#ousy on a rea# &an@ it is the i&aginary hero that su""#ants us a## in the #ong run Besides, jea#ousy does not be#ong to your easy &an=of=the=wor#d "ose, which you carry so we## in other res"ects -29)211 -ea##y, Hushabye, 0 think a &an &ay be a##owed to be a gent#e&an without being accused of "osing HE!(C- 0t is a "ose #ike any other 0n this house we know a## the "oses@ our ga&e is to find out the &an under the "ose (he &an under your "ose is a""arent#y E##ieNs fa$orite, Cthe##o -29)211 So&e of your ga&es in this house are da&ned annoying, #et &e te## you HE!(C- Ges@ 0 ha$e been their $icti& for &any years 0 used to writhe under the& at firstI but 0 beca&e accusto&ed to the& 2t #ast 0 #earned to "#ay the& -29)211 0f itNs a## the sa&e to you 0 had rather you didnNt "#ay the& on &e Gou e$ident#y donNt Duite understand &y character, or &y notions of good for& HE!(C- 0s it your notion of good for& to gi$e away 1ady EtterwordS -29)211 :a chi#dish#y "#ainti$e note breaking into his huff; 0 ha$e not said a word against 1ady Etterword (his is just the cons"iracy o$er again HE!(C'hat cons"iracyS

-29)211 Gou know $ery we##, sir 2 cons"iracy to &ake &e out to be "ettish and jea#ous and chi#dish and e$erything 0 a& not E$eryone knows 0 a& just the o""osite

HE!(C- :rising; So&ething in the air of the house has u"set you 0t often does ha$e that effect :He goes to the garden door and ca##s 1ady Etterword with co&&anding e&"hasis; 2riadne% 12)G E((E-'C-) :at so&e distance; -29)211 Ges

'hat are you ca##ing her forS 0 want to s"eak==

12)G E((E-'C-) :arri$ing breath#ess; Ges Gou rea##y are a terrib#y co&&anding "erson 'hatNs the &atterS HE!(Cyou do 0 do not know how to &anage your friend -anda## 9o doubt

12)G E((E-'C-) -anda##@ ha$e you been &aking yourse#f ridicu#ous, as usua#S 0 can see it in your face -ea##y, you are the &ost "ettish creature -29)211 Gou know Duite we##, 2riadne, that 0 ha$e not an ounce of "ettishness in &y dis"osition 0 ha$e &ade &yse#f "erfect#y "#easant here 0 ha$e re&ained abso#ute#y coo# and i&"erturbab#e in the face of a burg#ar 0&"erturbabi#ity is a#&ost too strong a "oint of &ine But :"utting his foot down with a sta&", and wa#king angri#y u" and down the roo&; 0 insist on being treated with a certain consideration 0 wi## not a##ow Hushabye to take #iberties with &e 0 wi## not stand your encouraging "eo"#e as you do HE!(C(he &an has a rooted de#usion that he is your husband

12)G E((E-'C-) 0 know He is jea#ous 2s if he had any right to be% He co&"ro&ises &e e$erywhere He &akes scenes a## o$er the "#ace -anda##@ 0 wi## not a##ow it 0 si&"#y wi## not a##ow it Gou had no right to discuss &e with Hector 0 wi## not be discussed by &en HE!(C- Be reasonab#e, 2riadne &en to discuss you 12)G E((E-'C-) HE!(CGour fata# gift of beauty forces

Ch indeed% what about GCE- fata# gift of beautyS

How can 0 he#" itS

12)G E((E-'C-) Gou cou#d cut off your &oustache@ 0 canNt cut off &y nose 0 get &y who#e #ife &essed u" with "eo"#e fa##ing in #o$e with &e 2nd then -anda## says 0 run after &en -29)211 0==

12)G E((E-'C-) Ges you do@ you said it just now 'hy canNt you think of so&ething e#se than wo&enS 9a"o#eon was Duite right when he said that wo&en are the occu"ation of the id#e &an 'e##, if e$er there was an id#e &an on earth, his na&e is -anda## Etterword -29)211 2riad== Ch yes

12)G E((E-'C-) :o$erwhe#&ing hi& with a torrent of words;

you are@ itNs no use denying it 'hat ha$e you e$er doneS 'hat good are youS Gou are as &uch troub#e in the house as a chi#d of three Gou cou#dnNt #i$e without your $a#et -29)211 (his is==

12)G E((E-'C-) 1a8iness% Gou are #a8iness incarnate Gou are se#fishness itse#f Gou are the &ost uninteresting &an on earth Gou canNt e$en gossi" about anything but yourse#f and your grie$ances and your ai#&ents and the "eo"#e who ha$e offended you :(urning to Hector; )o you know what they ca## hi&, HectorS HE!(C- Z -29)211 Z :s"eaking together; Y P#ease donNt te## &e Y 0N## not stand it==

12)G E((E-'C-) society

-anda## the -otter@ that is his na&e in good 'i## you #isten

-29)211 :shouting; 0N## not bear it, 0 te## you to &e, you inferna#==:he chokes;

12)G E((E-'C-) 'e##@ go on 'hat were you going to ca## &eS 2n inferna# whatS 'hich un"#easant ani&a# is it to be this ti&eS -29)211 :foa&ing; (here is no ani&a# in the wor#d so hatefu# as a wo&an can be Gou are a &addening de$i# Hushabye, you wi## not be#ie$e &e when 0 te## you that 0 ha$e #o$ed this de&on a## &y #ifeI but God knows 0 ha$e "aid for it :he sits down in the draughts&anNs chair, wee"ing; 12)G E((E-'C-) :standing o$er hi& with triu&"hant conte&"t; !ry=baby% HE!(C- :gra$e#y, co&ing to hi&; By friend, the Shoto$er sisters ha$e two strange "owers o$er &en (hey can &ake the& #o$eI and they can &ake the& cry (hank your stars that you are not &arried to one of the& 12)G E((E-'C-) :haughti#y; 2nd "ray, Hector==

HE!(C- :sudden#y catching her round the shou#ders@ swinging her right round hi& and away fro& -anda##@ and gri""ing her throat with the other hand; 2riadne, if you atte&"t to start on &e, 0N## choke you@ do you hearS (he cat=and=&ouse ga&e with the other sex is a good ga&eI but 0 can "#ay your head off at it :He throws her, not at a## gent#y, into the big chair, and "roceeds, #ess fierce#y but fir&#y; 0t is true that 9a"o#eon said that wo&an is the occu"ation of the id#e &an But he added that she is the re#axation of the warrior 'e##, 0 a& the warrior So take care 12)G E((E-'C-) :not in the #east "ut out, and rather "#eased by his $io#ence; By dear Hector, 0 ha$e on#y done what you asked &e to do HE!(CHow do you &ake that out, "rayS Gou ca##ed &e in to &anage -anda##, didnNt youS

12)G E((E-'C-)

Gou said you cou#dnNt &anage hi& yourse#f HE!(C&ad 'e##, what if 0 didS 0 did not ask you to dri$e the &an 0f

12)G E((E-'C-) He isnNt &ad (hatNs the way to &anage hi& you were a &other, youNd understand HE!(CBother% 'hat are you u" to nowS

12)G E((E-'C-) 0tNs Duite si&"#e 'hen the chi#dren got ner$es and were naughty, 0 s&acked the& just enough to gi$e the& a good cry and a hea#thy ner$ous shock (hey went to s#ee" and were Duite good afterwards 'e##, 0 canNt s&ack -anda##@ he is too bigI so when he gets ner$es and is naughty, 0 just rag hi& ti## he cries He wi## be a## right now 1ook@ he is ha#f as#ee" a#ready :which is Duite true; -29)211 :waking u" indignant#y; 0N& not Gou are &ost crue#, 2riadne :Senti&enta##y; But 0 su""ose 0 &ust forgi$e you, as usua# :he checks hi&se#f in the act of yawning; 12)G E((E-'C-) :to Hector; dread warriorS 0s the ex"#anation satisfactory, 0 thought

HE!(C- So&e day 0 sha## ki## you, if you go too far you were a foo#

12)G E((E-'C-) :#aughing; E$erybody does, at first But 0 a& not such a foo# as 0 #ook :She rises co&"#acent#y; 9ow, -anda##, go to bed Gou wi## be a good boy in the &orning -29)211 :on#y $ery faint#y rebe##ious; #ike 0t isnNt ten yet 0N## go to bed when 0

12)G E((E-'C-) 0t is #ong "ast ten See that he goes to bed at once, Hector :She goes into the garden; HE!(C- 0s there any s#a$ery on earth $i#er than this s#a$ery of &en to wo&enS -29)211 :rising reso#ute#y; 0N## not s"eak to her to&orrow 0N## not s"eak to her for another week 0N## gi$e her such a #esson 0N## go straight to bed without bidding her good=night :He &akes for the door #eading to the ha##; HE!(C- Gou are under a s"e##, &an C#d Shoto$er so#d hi&se#f to the de$i# in Xan8ibar (he de$i# ga$e hi& a b#ack witch for a wifeI and these two de&on daughters are their &ystica# "rogeny 0 a& tied to HesioneNs a"ron=stringI but 0N& her husbandI and if 0 did go stark staring &ad about her, at #east we beca&e &an and wife But why shou#d you #et yourse#f be dragged about and beaten by 2riadne as a toy donkey is dragged about and beaten by a chi#dS 'hat do you get by itS 2re you her #o$erS -29)211 Gou &ust not &isunderstand &e P#atonic sense== 0n a higher sense==in a

HE!(C- Psha% P#atonic sense% She &akes you her ser$antI and when "ay=day co&es round, she bi#ks you@ that is what you &ean -29)211 :feeb#y; 'e##, if 0 donNt &ind, 0 donNt see what business it is of yours Besides, 0 te## you 0 a& going to "unish her Gou sha## see@ 0 know how to dea# with wo&en 0N& rea##y $ery s#ee"y Say good=night to Brs Hushabye for &e, wi## you, #ike a good cha" Good=night :He hurries out; HE!(C- Poor wretch% Ch wo&en% wo&en% wo&en% :He #ifts his fists in in$ocation to hea$en; +a## +a## and crush :He goes out into the garden;

2!( 000 0n the garden, Hector, as he co&es out through the g#ass door of the "oo", finds 1ady Etterword #ying $o#u"tuous#y in the ha&&ock on the east side of the f#agstaff, in the circ#e of #ight cast by the e#ectric arc, which is #ike a &oon in its o"a# g#obe Beneath the head of the ha&&ock, a ca&"stoo# Cn the other side of the f#agstaff, on the #ong garden seat, !a"tain Shoto$er is as#ee", with E##ie beside hi&, #eaning affectionate#y against hi& on his right hand Cn his #eft is a deck chair Behind the& in the g#oo&, Hesione is stro##ing about with Bangan 0t is a fine sti## night, &oon#ess 12)G E((E-'C-) 'hat a #o$e#y night% 0t see&s &ade for us

HE!(C- (he night takes no interest in us 'hat are we to the nightS :He sits down &oodi#y in the deck chair; E110E :drea&i#y, nest#ing against the ca"tain; 0ts beauty soaks into &y ner$es 0n the night there is "eace for the o#d and ho"e for the young HE!(CE110E s#ee" 0s that re&ark your ownS 9o Cn#y the #ast thing the ca"tain said before he went to 0N& not as#ee" 2#so Br Ba88ini )unn Bangan, too, "robab#y

!2P(209 SHC(C,EHE!(CB29G29

-anda## is 9o

HE!(C- Ch, you are there to bed by this ti&e

0 thought Hesione wou#d ha$e sent you

B-S HESH2BGE :co&ing to the back of the garden seat, into the #ight, with Bangan; 0 think 0 sha## He kee"s te##ing &e he has a "resenti&ent that he is going to die 0 ne$er &et a &an so greedy for sy&"athy B29G29 :"#ainti$e#y; But 0 ha$e a "resenti&ent 2nd you wou#dnNt #isten 0 rea##y ha$e

B-S HESH2BGE 0 was #istening for so&ething e#se (here was a sort of s"#endid dru&&ing in the sky )id none of you hear itS 0t ca&e fro& a distance and then died away B29G29 0 te## you it was a train

B-S HESH2BGE 2nd 0 te## you, 2#f, there is no train at this hour (he #ast is nine forty=fi$e B29G29 But a goods train

B-S HESH2BGE 9ot on our #itt#e #ine (hey tack a truck on to the "assenger train 'hat can it ha$e been, HectorS HE!(C- Hea$enNs threatening grow# of disgust at us use#ess futi#e creatures :+ierce#y; 0 te## you, one of two things &ust ha""en Either out of that darkness so&e new creation wi## co&e to su""#ant us as we ha$e su""#anted the ani&a#s, or the hea$ens wi## fa## in thunder and destroy us 12)G E((E-'C-) :in a coo# instructi$e &anner, wa##owing co&fortab#y in her ha&&ock; 'e ha$e not su""#anted the ani&a#s, Hector 'hy do you ask hea$en to destroy this house, which cou#d be &ade Duite co&fortab#e if Hesione had any notion of how to #i$eS )onNt you know what is wrong with itS HE!(C- 'e are wrong with it (here is no sense in us use#ess, dangerous, and ought to be abo#ished 'e are

12)G E((E-'C-) 9onsense% Hastings to#d &e the $ery first day he ca&e here, near#y twenty=four years ago, what is wrong with the house !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'hat% (he nu&sku## said there was so&ething wrong with &y house% 12)G E((E-'C-) 0 said Hastings said itI and he is not in the #east a nu&sku## !2P(209 SHC(C,E'hatNs wrong with &y houseS 'asnNt it

12)G E((E-'C-) Just what is wrong with a shi", "a"a c#e$er of Hastings to see thatS !2P(209 SHC(C,Eshi" 12)G E((E-'C-) B-S HESH2BGE 12)G E((E-'C-) HE!(C)e&ons (he &anNs a foo#

(hereNs nothing wrong with a

Ges, there is But what is itS )onNt be aggra$ating, 2ddy Guess )aughters of the witch of Xan8ibar )e&ons

12)G E((E-'C-) 9ot a bit 0 assure you, a## this house needs to &ake it a sensib#e, hea#thy, "#easant house, with good a""etites

and sound s#ee" in it, is horses B-S HESH2BGE Horses% 'hat rubbish%

12)G E((E-'C-) Ges@ horses 'hy ha$e we ne$er been ab#e to #et this houseS Because there are no "ro"er stab#es Go anywhere in Eng#and where there are natura#, who#eso&e, contented, and rea##y nice Eng#ish "eo"#eI and what do you a#ways findS (hat the stab#es are the rea# centre of the househo#dI and that if any $isitor wants to "#ay the "iano the who#e roo& has to be u"set before it can be o"ened, there are so &any things "i#ed on it 0 ne$er #i$ed unti# 0 #earned to rideI and 0 sha## ne$er ride rea##y we## because 0 didnNt begin as a chi#d (here are on#y two c#asses in good society in Eng#and@ the eDuestrian c#asses and the neurotic c#asses 0t isnNt &ere con$ention@ e$erybody can see that the "eo"#e who hunt are the right "eo"#e and the "eo"#e who donNt are the wrong ones !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (here is so&e truth in this of &eI and a shi" is the horse of the sea 12)G E((E-'C-) gent#e&an By shi" &ade a &an

Exact#y how Hastings ex"#ained your being a Bring the &an here with

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 9ot bad for a nu&sku## you next ti&e@ 0 &ust ta#k to hi&

12)G E((E-'C-) 'hy is -anda## such an ob$ious rotterS He is we## bredI he has been at a "ub#ic schoo# and a uni$ersityI he has been in the +oreign CfficeI he knows the best "eo"#e and has #i$ed a## his #ife a&ong the& 'hy is he so unsatisfactory, so conte&"tib#eS 'hy canNt he get a $a#et to stay with hi& #onger than a few &onthsS Just because he is too #a8y and "#easure=#o$ing to hunt and shoot He stru&s the "iano, and sketches, and runs after &arried wo&en, and reads #iterary books and "oe&s He actua##y "#ays the f#uteI but 0 ne$er #et hi& bring it into &y house 0f he wou#d on#y==:she is interru"ted by the &e#ancho#y strains of a f#ute co&ing fro& an o"en window abo$e She raises herse#f indignant#y in the ha&&ock; -anda##, you ha$e not gone to bed Ha$e you been #isteningS :(he f#ute re"#ies "ert#y; How $u#gar% Go to bed instant#y, -anda##@ how dare youS :(he window is s#a&&ed down She subsides; How can anyone care for such a creature% B-S HESH2BGE 2ddy@ do you think E##ie ought to &arry "oor 2#fred &ere#y for his &oneyS B29G29 :&uch a#ar&ed; 'hatNs thatS Brs Hushabye, are &y affairs to be discussed #ike this before e$erybodyS 12)G E((E-'C-) B29G29 0 donNt think -anda## is #istening now 0t isnNt right

E$erybody is #istening

B-S HESH2BGE But in the dark, what does it &atterS E##ie doesnNt &ind )o you, E##ieS E110E 9ot in the #east 'hat is your o"inion, 1ady EtterwordS

Gou ha$e so &uch good sense B29G29 But it isnNt right his &outh; Ch, $ery we## 12)G E((E-'C-) B29G29 0t==:Brs Hushabye "uts her hand on BanganS

How &uch &oney ha$e you, Br

-ea##y==9o@ 0 canNt stand this 9onsense, Br Bangan% 0t a## turns on your inco&e,

12)G E((E-'C-) doesnNt itS B29G29 E110E

'e##, if you co&e to that, how &uch &oney has sheS 9one

12)G E((E-'C-) Gou are answered, Br Bangan 2nd now, as you ha$e &ade Biss )unn throw her cards on the tab#e, you cannot refuse to show your own B-S HESH2BGE !o&e, 2#f% out with it% How &uchS 'e##, if you want to know, 0

B29G29 :baited out of a## "rudence; ha$e no &oney and ne$er had any B-S HESH2BGE B29G29 truth

2#fred, you &ustnNt te## naughty stories 0N& te##ing you the raw

0N& not te##ing you stories

12)G E((E-'C-) B29G29

(hen what do you #i$e on, Br BanganS 2nd a trif#e of co&&ission

(ra$e##ing ex"enses

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 'hat &ore ha$e any of us but tra$e##ing ex"enses for our #ifeNs journeyS B-S HESH2BGE But you ha$e factories and ca"ita# and thingsS

B29G29 Peo"#e think 0 ha$e Peo"#e think 0N& an industria# 9a"o#eon (hatNs why Biss E##ie wants to &arry &e But 0 te## you 0 ha$e nothing E110E )o you &ean that the factories are #ike BarcusNs tigersS (hat they donNt existS B29G29 (hey exist a## right enough But theyNre not &ine (hey be#ong to syndicates and shareho#ders and a## sorts of #a8y good=for=nothing ca"ita#ists 0 get &oney fro& such "eo"#e to start the factories 0 find "eo"#e #ike Biss )unnNs father to work the&, and kee" a tight hand so as to &ake the& "ay Cf course 0 &ake the& kee" &e going "retty we##I but itNs a dogNs #ifeI and 0 donNt own anything B-S HESH2BGE 2#fred, 2#fred, you are &aking a "oor &outh of it to get out of &arrying E##ie B29G29 0N& te##ing the truth about &y &oney for the first ti&e

in &y #ifeI and itNs the first ti&e &y word has e$er been doubted 12)G E((E-'C-) BanganS How sad% 'hy donNt you go in for "o#itics, Br

B29G29 Go in for "o#itics% 'here ha$e you been #i$ingS 0 a& in "o#itics 12)G E((E-'C-) 0N& sure 0 beg your "ardon 0 ne$er heard of you

B29G29 1et &e te## you, 1ady Etterword, that the Pri&e Binister of this country asked &e to join the Go$ern&ent without e$en going through the nonsense of an e#ection, as the dictator of a great "ub#ic de"art&ent 12)G E((E-'C-) 2s a !onser$ati$e or a 1ibera#S :(hey a##

B29G29 9o such nonsense 2s a "ractica# business &an burst out #aughing; 'hat are you a## #aughing atS B-S HESH2-GE E110E Ch, 2#fred, 2#fred%

Gou% who ha$e to get &y father to do e$erything for you% Gou% who are afraid of your own work&en%

B-S HESH2BGE

HE!(C- Gou% with who& three wo&en ha$e been "#aying cat and &ouse a## the e$ening% 12)G E((E-'C-) Gou &ust ha$e gi$en an i&&ense su& to the "arty funds, Br Bangan B29G29 9ot a "enny out of &y own "ocket (he syndicate found the &oney@ they knew how usefu# 0 shou#d be to the& in the Go$ern&ent 12)G E((E-'C-) (his is &ost interesting and unex"ected, Br Bangan 2nd what ha$e your ad&inistrati$e achie$e&ents been, so farS B29G29 2chie$e&entsS 'e##, 0 donNt know what you ca## achie$e&entsI but 0N$e jo##y we## "ut a sto" to the ga&es of the other fe##ows in the other de"art&ents E$ery &an of the& thought he was going to sa$e the country a## by hi&se#f, and do &e out of the credit and out of &y chance of a tit#e 0 took good care that if they wou#dnNt #et &e do it they shou#dnNt do it the&se#$es either 0 &ay not know anything about &y own &achineryI but 0 know how to stick a ra&rod into the other fe##owNs 2nd now they a## #ook the biggest foo#s going HE!(C2nd in hea$enNs na&e, what do you #ook #ikeS

B29G29 0 #ook #ike the fe##ow that was too c#e$er for a## the others, donNt 0S 0f that isnNt a triu&"h of "ractica# business, what isS HE!(C0s this Eng#and, or is it a &adhouseS

12)G E((E-'C-) B29G29

)o you ex"ect to sa$e the country, Br BanganS

'e##, who e#se wi##S 'i## your Br -anda## sa$e itS -anda## the rotter% !ertain#y not

12)G E((E-'C-)

B29G29 'i## your brother=in=#aw sa$e it with his &oustache and his fine ta#kS HE!(CGes, if they wi## #et &e 2h% 'i## they #et youS

B29G29 :sneering; HE!(C9o

(hey "refer you

B29G29 ,ery we## then, as youNre in a wor#d where 0N& a""reciated and youNre not, youNd best be ci$i# to &e, hadnNt youS 'ho e#se is there but &eS 12)G E((E-'C-) (here is sha& de&ocracyI and gi$e good su""#y of ba&boo to he wi## sa$e the country Hastings Get rid of your ridicu#ous Hastings the necessary "owers, and a bring the British nati$e to his senses@ with the greatest ease

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0t had better be #ost 2ny foo# can go$ern with a stick in his hand 0 cou#d go$ern that way 0t is not GodNs way (he &an is a nu&sku## 12)G E((E-'C-) (he &an is worth a## of you ro##ed into one do you say, Biss )unnS 'hat

E110E 0 think &y father wou#d do $ery we## if "eo"#e did not "ut u"on hi& and cheat hi& and des"ise hi& because he is so good B29G29 :conte&"tuous#y; 0 think 0 see Ba88ini )unn getting into "ar#ia&ent or "ushing his way into the Go$ern&ent 'eN$e not co&e to that yet, thank God% 'hat do you say, Brs HushabyeS B-S HESH2BGE Ch, 0 say it &atters $ery #itt#e which of you go$erns the country so #ong as we go$ern you HE!(C'eS 'ho is we, "rayS (he de$i#Ns granddaughters, dear (he #o$e#y wo&en

B-S HESH2BGE

HE!(C- :raising his hands as before; fro& the #ures of Satan%

+a##, 0 say, and de#i$er us

E110E (here see&s to be nothing rea# in the wor#d exce"t &y father and Shakes"eare BarcusNs tigers are fa#seI Br BanganNs &i##ions are fa#seI there is nothing rea##y strong and true about Hesione but her beautifu# b#ack hairI and 1ady EtterwordNs is too "retty to be rea# (he one thing that was #eft to &e was the !a"tainNs se$enth degree of concentrationI and that turns out to be== !2P(209 SHC(C,E-u&

12)G E((E-'C-) :"#acid#y; 2 good dea# of &y hair is Duite genuine (he )uchess of )ithering offered &e fifty guineas for this :touching her forehead; under the i&"ression that it was a transfor&ationI but it is a## natura# exce"t the co#or B29G29 :wi#d#y; 1ook here@ 0N& going to take off a## &y c#othes :he begins tearing off his coat; 12)G E((E-'C-) !2P(209 SHC(C,EHE!(CE110E Z :in Y Br Bangan% Z consterna= Y 'hatNs thatS Z tion; Y Ha% Ha% )o )o Z Y P#ease donNt 2#fred, for

B-S HESH2BGE :catching his ar& and sto""ing hi&; sha&e% 2re you &adS

B29G29 Sha&e% 'hat sha&e is there in this houseS 1etNs a## stri" stark naked 'e &ay as we## do the thing thorough#y when weNre about it 'eN$e stri""ed ourse#$es &ora##y naked@ we##, #et us stri" ourse#$es "hysica##y naked as we##, and see how we #ike it 0 te## you 0 canNt bear this 0 was brought u" to be res"ectab#e 0 donNt &ind the wo&en dyeing their hair and the &en drinking@ itNs hu&an nature But itNs not hu&an nature to te## e$erybody about it E$ery ti&e one of you o"ens your &outh 0 go #ike this :he cowers as if to a$oid a &issi#e;, afraid of what wi## co&e next How are we to ha$e any se#f=res"ect if we donNt kee" it u" that weNre better than we rea##y areS 12)G E((E-'C-) 0 Duite sy&"athi8e with you, Br Bangan 0 ha$e been through it a##I and 0 know by ex"erience that &en and wo&en are de#icate "#ants and &ust be cu#ti$ated under g#ass Cur fa&i#y habit of throwing stones in a## directions and #etting the air in is not on#y unbearab#y rude, but "ositi$e#y dangerous Sti##, there is no use catching "hysica# co#ds as we## as &ora# onesI so "#ease kee" your c#othes on B29G29 0N## do as 0 #ike@ not what you te## &e 2& 0 a chi#d or a grown &anS 0 wonNt stand this &othering tyranny 0N## go back to the city, where 0N& res"ected and &ade &uch of B-S HESH2BGE Goodbye, 2#f (hink of E##ieNs youth% E110E (hink of us so&eti&es in the city

(hink of HesioneNs eyes and hair%

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- (hink of this garden in which you are not a dog barking to kee" the truth out% HE!(Csty#e% (hink of 1ady EtterwordNs beauty% her good sense% her

12)G E((E-'C-) +#atterer (hink, Br Bangan, whether you can rea##y do any better for yourse#f e#sewhere@ that is the essentia# "oint, isnNt itS B29G29 :surrendering; 2## right@ a## right 0N& done Ha$e it your own way Cn#y #et &e a#one 0 donNt know whether 0N& on &y

head or &y hee#s when you a## start on &e #ike this 0N## stay 0N## &arry her 0N## do anything for a Duiet #ife 2re you satisfied nowS E110E 9o 0 ne$er rea##y intended to &ake you &arry &e, Br Bangan 9e$er in the de"ths of &y sou# 0 on#y wanted to fee# &y strength@ to know that you cou#d not esca"e if 0 chose to take you B29G29 :indignant#y; 'hat% )o you &ean to say you are going to throw &e o$er after &y acting so handso&eS 12)G E((E-'C-) 0 shou#d not be too hasty, Biss )unn Gou can throw Br Bangan o$er at any ti&e u" to the #ast &o&ent ,ery few &en in his "osition go bankru"t Gou can #i$e $ery co&fortab#y on his re"utation for i&&ense wea#th E110E 0 cannot co&&it biga&y, 1ady Etterword Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Biga&y% 'hate$er on earth are you ta#king about, E##ieS Biga&y% 'hat do you &ean, Biss )unnS Biga&y% )o you &ean to say youNre &arried a#readyS Biga&y% (his is so&e enig&a

B-S HESH2BGE

Z Z 12)G E((E-'C-) Z :exc#ai&ing Z B29G29 Z a#together; Z HE!(CZ E110E wife

Cn#y ha#f an hour ago 0 beca&e !a"tain Shoto$erNs white E##ie% 'hat nonsense% 'hereS

B-S HESH2BGE E110E

0n hea$en, where a## true &arriages are &ade -ea##y, Biss )unn% -ea##y, "a"a%

12)G E((E-'C-) B29G29

He to#d &e 0 was too o#d% 2nd hi& a &u&&y%

HE!(C- :Duoting She##ey; T(heir a#tar the grassy earth outs"reads 2nd their "riest the &uttering wind T E110E Ges@ 0, E##ie )unn, gi$e &y broken heart and &y strong sound sou# to its natura# ca"tain, &y s"iritua# husband and second father She draws the ca"tainNs ar& through hers, and "ats his hand ca"tain re&ains fast as#ee" B-S HESH2BGE Ch, thatNs $ery c#e$er of you, "ettikins c#e$er 2#fred, you cou#d ne$er ha$e #i$ed u" to E##ie be content with a #itt#e share of &e B29G29 :sniff#ng and wi"ing his eyes; e&otion chokes hi&; 12)G E((E-'C-) (he

,ery Gou &ust

0t isnNt kind==:his Biss )unn is

Gou are we## out of it, Br Bangan

the &ost conceited young wo&an 0 ha$e &et since 0 ca&e back to Eng#and B-S HESH2BGE E110E B29G29 Ch, E##ie isnNt conceited 2re you, "ettikinsS

0 know &y strength now, Hesione Bra8en, 0 ca## you Bra8en

B-S HESH2BGE (ut, tut, 2#fred@ donNt be rude )onNt you fee# how #o$e#y this &arriage night is, &ade in hea$enS 2renNt you ha""y, you and HectorS C"en your eyes@ 2ddy and E##ie #ook beautifu# enough to "#ease the &ost fastidious &an@ we #i$e and #o$e and ha$e not a care in the wor#d 'e wo&en ha$e &anaged a## that for you 'hy in the na&e of co&&on sense do you go on as if you were two &iserab#e wretchesS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 0 te## you ha""iness is no good Gou can be ha""y when you are on#y ha#f a#i$e 0 a& ha""ier now 0 a& ha#f dead than e$er 0 was in &y "ri&e But there is no b#essing on &y ha""iness E110E :her face #ighting u"; 1ife with a b#essing% that is what 0 want 9ow 0 know the rea# reason why 0 cou#dnNt &arry Br Bangan@ there wou#d be no b#essing on our &arriage (here is a b#essing on &y broken heart (here is a b#essing on your beauty, Hesione (here is a b#essing on your fatherNs s"irit E$en on the #ies of Barcus there is a b#essingI but on Br BanganNs &oney there is none B29G29 E110E 0 donNt understand a word of that 9either do 0 But 0 know it &eans so&ething 0

B29G29 )onNt say there was any difficu#ty about the b#essing was ready to get a bisho" to &arry us B-S HESH2BGE 0snNt he a foo#, "ettikinsS )o not scorn the &an 'e are a## foo#s

HE!(C- :fierce#y;

Ba88ini, in "yja&as and a rich#y co#ored si#k dressing gown, co&es fro& the house, on 1ady EtterwordNs side B-S HESH2BGE Ch% here co&es the on#y &an who e$er resisted &e 'hatNs the &atter, Br )unnS 0s the house on fireS B2XX090 Ch, no@ nothingNs the &atter@ but rea##y itNs i&"ossib#e to go to s#ee" with such an interesting con$ersation going on under oneNs window, and on such a beautifu# night too 0 just had to co&e down and join you a## 'hat has it a## been aboutS B-S HESH2BGE Ch, wonderfu# things, so#dier of freedo&

HE!(C- +or exa&"#e, Bangan, as a "ractica# business &an, has tried to undress hi&se#f and has fai#ed igno&inious#yI whi#st you, as an idea#ist, ha$e succeeded bri##iant#y

B2XX090 0 ho"e you donNt &ind &y being #ike this, Brs Hushabye :He sits down on the ca&"stoo#; B-S HESH2BGE Cn the contrary, 0 cou#d wish you a#ways #ike that

12)G E((E-'C-) Gour daughterNs &atch is off, Br )unn 0t see&s that Br Bangan, who& we a## su""osed to be a &an of "ro"erty, owns abso#ute#y nothing B2XX090 'e##, of course 0 knew that, 1ady Etterword But if "eo"#e be#ie$e in hi& and are a#ways gi$ing hi& &oney, whereas they donNt be#ie$e in &e and ne$er gi$e &e any, how can 0 ask "oor E##ie to de"end on what 0 can do for herS B29G29 0== )onNt you run away with this idea that 0 ha$e nothing

HE!(C- Ch, donNt ex"#ain 'e understand Gou ha$e a cou"#e of thousand "ounds in excheDuer bi##s, 34,444 shares worth ten"ence a do8en, and ha#f a do8en tab#oids of cyanide of "otassiu& to "oison yourse#f with when you are found out (hatNs the rea#ity of your &i##ions B2XX090 Ch no, no, no He is Duite honest@ the businesses are genuine and "erfect#y #ega# HE!(C- :disgusted; Gah% 9ot e$en a great swind#er% But 0N$e been too &any for so&e honest &en,

B29G29 So you think for a## that

12)G E((E-'C-) (here is no "#easing you, Br Bangan Gou are deter&ined to be neither rich nor "oor, honest nor dishonest B29G29 (here you go again E$er since 0 ca&e into this si##y house 0 ha$e been &ade to #ook #ike a foo#, though 0N& as good a &an in this house as in the city E110E :&usica##y; Ges@ this si##y house, this strange#y ha""y house, this agoni8ing house, this house without foundations 0 sha## ca## it Heartbreak House B-S HESH2BGE Sto", E##ieI or 0 sha## how# #ike an ani&a#

B29G29 :breaks into a #ow sni$e##ing;%%% B-S HES2HBGE E110E (here% you ha$e set 2#fred off

0 #ike hi& best when he is how#ing 0 say,

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- Si#ence% :Bangan subsides into si#ence; #et the heart break in si#ence HE!(C)o you acce"t that na&e for your houseS 0t is not &y house@ it is on#y &y kenne#

!2P(209 SHC(C,EHE!(C-

'e ha$e been too #ong here

'e do not #i$e in this house@

we haunt it 12)G E((E-'C-) :heart torn; 0t is dreadfu# to think how you ha$e been here a## these years whi#e 0 ha$e gone round the wor#d 0 esca"ed youngI but it has drawn &e back 0t wants to break &y heart too But it shanNt 0 ha$e #eft you and it behind 0t was si##y of &e to co&e back 0 fe#t senti&enta# about "a"a and Hesione and the o#d "#ace 0 fe#t the& ca##ing to &e B2XX090 But what a $ery natura# and kind#y and char&ing hu&an fee#ing, 1ady Etterword% 12)G E((E-'C-) So 0 thought, Br )unn But 0 know now that it was on#y the #ast of &y inf#uen8a 0 found that 0 was not re&e&bered and not wanted !2P(209 SHC(C,E- Gou #eft because you did not want us 'as there no heartbreak in that for your fatherS Gou tore yourse#f u" by the rootsI and the ground hea#ed u" and brought forth fresh "#ants and forgot you 'hat right had you to co&e back and "robe o#d woundsS B-S HESH2BGE Gou were a co&"#ete stranger to &e at first, 2ddyI but now 0 fee# as if you had ne$er been away 12)G E((E-'C-) (hank you, HesioneI but the inf#uen8a is Duite cured (he "#ace &ay be Heartbreak House to you, Biss )unn, and to this gent#e&an fro& the city who see&s to ha$e so #itt#e se#f=contro#I but to &e it is on#y a $ery i##=regu#ated and rather untidy $i##a without any stab#es HE!(CE110E 0nhabited by==S 2 cra8y o#d sea ca"tain and a young singer who adores hi&

B-S HESH2BGE 2 s#uttish fe&a#e, trying to sta$e off a doub#e chin and an e#der#y s"read, $ain#y wooing a born so#dier of freedo& B2XX090 Ch, rea##y, Brs Hushabye==

B29G29 2 &e&ber of His BajestyNs Go$ern&ent that e$erybody sets down as a ninco&"oo"@ donNt forget hi&, 1ady Etterword 12)G E((E-'C-) 2nd a $ery fascinating gent#e&an whose chief occu"ation is to be &arried to &y sister HE!(C2## heartbroken i&beci#es

B2XX090 Ch no Sure#y, if 0 &ay say so, rather a fa$orab#e s"eci&en of what is best in our Eng#ish cu#ture Gou are $ery char&ing "eo"#e, &ost ad$anced, un"rejudiced, frank, hu&ane, uncon$entiona#, de&ocratic, free=thinking, and e$erything that is de#ightfu# to thoughtfu# "eo"#e B-S HESH2BGE B2XX090 Gou do us "roud, Ba88ini 'here e#se cou#d 0 fee#

0 a& not f#attering, rea##y

"erfect#y at ease in &y "yja&asS 0 so&eti&es drea& that 0 a& in $ery distinguished society, and sudden#y 0 ha$e nothing on but &y "yja&as% So&eti&es 0 ha$enNt e$en "yja&as 2nd 0 a#ways fee# o$erwhe#&ed with confusion But here, 0 donNt &ind in the #east@ it see&s Duite natura# 12)G E((E-'C-) 2n infa##ib#e sign that you are now not in rea##y distinguished society, Br )unn 0f you were in &y house, you wou#d fee# e&barrassed B2XX090 0 sha## take "articu#ar care to kee" out of your house, 1ady Etterword 12)G E((E-'C-) Gou wi## be Duite wrong, Br )unn 0 shou#d &ake you $ery co&fortab#eI and you wou#d not ha$e the troub#e and anxiety of wondering whether you shou#d wear your "ur"#e and go#d or your green and cri&son dressing=gown at dinner Gou co&"#icate #ife instead of si&"#ifying it by doing these ridicu#ous things E110E Gour house is not Heartbreak House@ is it, 1ady EtterwordS

HE!(C- Get she breaks hearts, easy as her house is (hat "oor de$i# u"stairs with his f#ute how#s when she twists his heart, just as Bangan how#s when &y wife twists his 12)G E((E-'C-) (hat is because -anda## has nothing to do but ha$e his heart broken 0t is a change fro& ha$ing his head sha&"ooed !atch anyone breaking HastingsN heart% !2P(209 SHC(C,E(he nu&sku## wins, after a##

12)G E((E-'C-) 0 sha## go back to &y nu&sku## with the greatest satisfaction when 0 a& tired of you a##, c#e$er as you are B29G29 :huffi#y; 12)G E((E-'C-) B29G29 0 ne$er set u" to be c#e$er

0 forgot you, Br Bangan

'e##, 0 donNt see that Duite, either Gou &ay not be c#e$er, Br BanganI but you are

12)G E((E-'C-) successfu#

B29G29 But 0 donNt want to be regarded &ere#y as a successfu# &an 0 ha$e an i&agination #ike anyone e#se 0 ha$e a "resenti&ent B-S HESH2BGE Ch, you are i&"ossib#e, 2#fred Here 0 a& de$oting &yse#f to youI and you think of nothing but your ridicu#ous "resenti&ent Gou bore &e !o&e and ta#k "oetry to &e under the stars :She drags hi& away into the darkness; B29G29 :tearfu##y, as he disa""ears; Ges@ itNs a## $ery we## to &ake fun of &eI but if you on#y knew== HE!(C- :i&"atient#y; B2XX090 How is a## this going to endS 1ife doesnNt end@ it goes on

0t wonNt end, Br Hushabye

E110E Ch, it canNt go on fore$er 0N& a#ways ex"ecting so&ething 0 donNt know what it isI but #ife &ust co&e to a "oint so&eti&e 12)G E((E-'C-) baby (he "oint for a young wo&an of your age is a

HE!(C- Ges, but, da&n it, 0 ha$e the sa&e fee#ingI and 0 canNt ha$e a baby 12)G E((E-'C-) By de"uty, Hector

HE!(C- But 0 ha$e chi#dren 2## that is o$er and done with for &e@ and yet 0 too fee# that this canNt #ast 'e sit here ta#king, and #ea$e e$erything to Bangan and to chance and to the de$i# (hink of the "owers of destruction that Bangan and his &utua# ad&iration gang wie#d% 0tNs &adness@ itNs #ike gi$ing a tor"edo to a bad#y brought u" chi#d to "#ay at earthDuakes with B2XX090 young 0 know 0 used often to think about that when 0 was

HE!(C- (hink% 'hatNs the good of thinking about itS 'hy didnNt you do so&ethingS B2XX090 But 0 did 0 joined societies and &ade s"eeches and wrote "a&"h#ets (hat was a## 0 cou#d do But, you know, though the "eo"#e in the societies thought they knew &ore than Bangan, &ost of the& wou#dnNt ha$e joined if they had known as &uch Gou see they had ne$er had any &oney to hand#e or any &en to &anage E$ery year 0 ex"ected a re$o#ution, or so&e frightfu# s&ash=u"@ it see&ed i&"ossib#e that we cou#d b#under and &udd#e on any #onger But nothing ha""ened, exce"t, of course, the usua# "o$erty and cri&e and drink that we are used to 9othing e$er does ha""en 0tNs a&a8ing how we## we get a#ong, a## things considered 12)G E((E-'C-) Perha"s so&ebody c#e$erer than you and Br Bangan was at work a## the ti&e B2XX090 Perha"s so (hough 0 was brought u" not to be#ie$e in anything, 0 often fee# that there is a great dea# to be said for the theory of an o$er=ru#ing Pro$idence, after a## 12)G E((E-'C-) B2XX090 Pro$idence% 0 &eant Hastings

Ch, 0 beg your "ardon, 1ady Etterword

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- E$ery drunken ski""er trusts to Pro$idence But one of the ways of Pro$idence with drunken ski""ers is to run the& on the rocks B2XX090 ,ery true, no doubt, at sea But in "o#itics, 0 assure you, they on#y run into je##yfish 9othing ha""ens !2P(209 SHC(C,E- 2t sea nothing ha""ens to the sea 9othing ha""ens to the sky (he sun co&es u" fro& the east and goes down

to the west (he &oon grows fro& a sick#e to an arc #a&", and co&es #ater and #ater unti# she is #ost in the #ight as other things are #ost in the darkness 2fter the ty"hoon, the f#ying=fish g#itter in the sunshine #ike birds 0tNs a&a8ing how they get a#ong, a## things considered 9othing ha""ens, exce"t so&ething not worth &entioning E110E 'hat is that, C !a"tain, C &y ca"tainS

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :sa$age#y; 9othing but the s&ash of the drunken ski""erNs shi" on the rocks, the s"#intering of her rotten ti&bers, the tearing of her rusty "#ates, the drowning of the crew #ike rats in a tra" E110E Bora#@ donNt take ru&

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- :$ehe&ent#y; (hat is a #ie, chi#d 1et a &an drink ten barre#s of ru& a day, he is not a drunken ski""er unti# he is a drifting ski""er 'hi#st he can #ay his course and stand on his bridge and steer it, he is no drunkard 0t is the &an who #ies drinking in his bunk and trusts to Pro$idence that 0 ca## the drunken ski""er, though he drank nothing but the waters of the -i$er Jordan E110E S"#endid% 2nd you ha$enNt had a dro" for an hour you donNt need it@ your own s"irit is not dead !2P(209 SHC(C,Efired years ago Echoes@ nothing but echoes Gou see

(he #ast shot was

HE!(C- 2nd this shi" that we are a## inS (his sou#Ns "rison we ca## Eng#andS !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (he ca"tain is in his bunk, drinking bott#ed ditch=waterI and the crew is ga&b#ing in the forecast#e She wi## strike and sink and s"#it )o you think the #aws of God wi## be sus"ended in fa$or of Eng#and because you were born in itS HE!(C- 'e##, 0 donNt &ean to be drowned #ike a rat in a tra" sti## ha$e the wi## to #i$e 'hat a& 0 to doS !2P(209 SHC(C,EEng#ish&an HE!(C)oS 9othing si&"#er 0

1earn your business as an

2nd what &ay &y business as an Eng#ish&an be, "rayS 9a$igation 1earn it and #i$eI or #ea$e it and

!2P(209 SHC(C,Ebe da&ned E110E

Uuiet, Duiet@ youN## tire yourse#f

B2XX090 0 thought a## that once, !a"tainI but 0 assure you nothing wi## ha""en 2 du## distant ex"#osion is heard HE!(C- :starting u"; 'hat was thatS

!2P(209 SHC(C,EBreakers ahead%

So&ething ha""ening :he b#ows his whist#e;

(he #ight goes out HE!(C- :furious#y; #ight outS 'ho "ut that #ight outS 'ho dared "ut that

9E-SE GE099ESS :running in fro& the house to the &idd#e of the es"#anade; 0 did, sir (he "o#ice ha$e te#e"honed to say weN## be su&&oned if we donNt "ut that #ight out@ it can be seen for &i#es HE!(Chouse; 0t sha## be seen for a hundred &i#es :he dashes into the

9E-SE GE099ESS (he -ectory is nothing but a hea" of bricks, they say En#ess we can gi$e the -ector a bed he has nowhere to #ay his head this night !2P(209 SHC(C,E- (he !hurch is on the rocks, breaking u" hi& it wou#d un#ess it headed for GodNs o"en sea 9E-SE GE099ESS 2nd you are a## to go down to the ce##ars Go there yourse#f, you and a## the crew Batten 0 to#d

!2P(209 SHC(C,Edown the hatches

9E-SE GE099ESS 2nd hide beside the coward 0 &arried% 0N## go on the roof first :(he #a&" #ights u" again; (here% Br HushabyeNs turned it on again (HE BE-G12whereNs the ca$e in the gra$e# "it, :hurrying in and a""ea#ing to 9urse Guinness; Here@ way to that gra$e# "itS (he boot=boy says thereNs a gra$e# "it (he& ce##ars is no use 'hereNs the !a"tainS

9E-SE GE099ESS Go straight on "ast the f#agstaff unti# you fa## into it and break your dirty neck :She "ushes hi& conte&"tuous#y towards the f#agstaff, and herse#f goes to the foot of the ha&&ock and waits there, as it were by 2riadneNs crad#e; 2nother and #ouder ex"#osion is heard stands tre&b#ing E110E :rising; (hat was nearer :He rises; Stand by, (he burg#ar sto"s and

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- (he next one wi## get us a## hands, for judg&ent

(HE BE-G12- Ch &y 1ordy God% :He rushes away frantica##y "ast the f#agstaff into the g#oo&; B-S HESH2BGE :e&erging "anting fro& the darkness; 'ho was that running awayS :She co&es to E##ie; )id you hear the ex"#osionsS 2nd the sound in the sky@ itNs s"#endid@ itNs #ike an orchestra@ itNs #ike Beetho$en

E110E

By thunder, Hesione@ it is Beetho$en

She and Hesione throw the&se#$es into one anotherNs ar&s in wi#d excite&ent (he #ight increases B2XX090 :anxious#y; (he #ight is getting brighter

9E-SE GE099ESS :#ooking u" at the house; 0tNs Br Hushabye turning on a## the #ights in the house and tearing down the curtains -29)211 :rushing in in his "yja&as, distracted#y wa$ing a f#ute; 2riadne, &y sou#, &y "recious, go down to the ce##ars@ 0 beg and i&"#ore you, go down to the ce##ars% 12)G E((E-'C-) :Duite co&"osed in her ha&&ock; (he go$ernorNs wife in the ce##ars with the ser$ants% -ea##y, -anda##% -29)211 But what sha## 0 do if you are ki##edS

12)G E((E-'C-) Gou wi## "robab#y be ki##ed, too, -anda## 9ow "#ay your f#ute to show that you are not afraidI and be good P#ay us TAee" the ho&e fires burning T 9E-SE GE099ESS :gri&#y; us@ the& u" there (HEGN11 kee" the ho&e fires burning for By #i"s are tre&b#ing 0 canNt

-29)211 :ha$ing tried to "#ay; get a sound B2XX090

0 ho"e "oor Bangan is safe He is hiding in the ca$e in the gra$e# "it By dyna&ite drew hi& there 0t is the hand of

B-S HESH2BGE

!2P(209 SHC(C,EGod

HE!(C- :returning fro& the house and striding across to his for&er "#ace; (here is not ha#f #ight enough 'e shou#d be b#a8ing to the skies E110E :tense with excite&ent; B-S HESH2BGE HE!(CBy house% 9o Set fire to the house, Barcus

0 thought of thatI but it wou#d not be ready in ti&e

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- (he judg&ent has co&e !ourage wi## not sa$e youI but it wi## show that your sou#s are sti## #i$e B-S HESH2BGE &agnificent Sh=sh% 1isten@ do you hear it nowS 0tNs

(hey a## turn away fro& the house and #ook u", #istening HE!(C- :gra$e#y; Biss )unn, you can do no good here 'e of this house are on#y &oths f#ying into the cand#e Gou had better go down to the ce##ar

E110E :scornfu##y;

0 donNt think

B2XX090 E##ie, dear, there is no disgrace in going to the ce##ar 2n officer wou#d order his so#diers to take co$er Br Hushabye is beha$ing #ike an a&ateur Bangan and the burg#ar are acting $ery sensib#yI and it is they who wi## sur$i$e E110E 1et the& 0 sha## beha$e #ike an a&ateur you run any riskS But why shou#d

B2XX090 (hink of the risk those "oor fe##ows u" there are running% 9E-SE GE099ESS 'hat nextS (hink of the&, indeed, the &urdering b#ackguards%

2 terrific ex"#osion shakes the earth (hey ree# back into their seats, or c#utch the nearest su""ort (hey hear the fa##ing of the shattered g#ass fro& the windows B2XX090 HE!(C0s anyone hurtS 'here did it fa##S

9E-SE GE099ESS :in hideous triu&"h; -ight in the gra$e# "it@ 0 seen it Ser$e un right% 0 seen it :she runs away towards the gra$e# "it, #aughing harsh#y; HE!(CCne husband gone (hirty "ounds of good dyna&ite wasted

!2P(209 SHC(C,EB2XX090 HE!(C-

Ch, "oor Bangan% 2re you i&&orta# that you need "ity hi&S Cur turn next Hesione and E##ie

(hey wait in si#ence and intense ex"ectation ho#d each otherNs hand tight 2 distant ex"#osion is heard B-S HESH2BGE :re#axing her gri"; 12)G E((E-'C-)

Ch% they ha$e "assed us Go to bed :He sits

(he danger is o$er, -anda##

!2P(209 SHC(C,E- (urn in, a## hands down and goes as#ee"; E110E :disa""ointed#y; Safe%

(he shi" is safe

HE!(C- :disgusted#y; Ges, safe 2nd how da&nab#y du## the wor#d has beco&e again sudden#y% :he sits down; B2XX090 :sitting down; 0 was Duite wrong, after a## who ha$e sur$i$edI and Bangan and the burg#ar= HE!(C==the two burg#ars== 0t is we

12)G E((E-'C-)

==the two "ractica# &en of business== 2nd the "oor c#ergy&an wi## ha$e to get a

B2XX090 ==both gone new house

B-S HESH2BGE But what a g#orious ex"erience% 0 ho"e theyN## co&e again to&orrow night E110E :radiant at the "ros"ect; Ch, 0 ho"e so

-anda## at #ast succeeds in kee"ing the ho&e fires burning on his f#ute

End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Heartbreak House, by George Bernard Shaw