ROTTEN TOMATOES PRESENTS TROLLFIGHTERS

Written by John Tyler

1. BEGIN OPENING CREDITS As the opening credits roll, we continuously cut and pan towards computers showing the website Rotten Tomatoes. We even continuously cut and pan towards secret bases watching over those on their computers. As we see green dots all over the world, indicating that people are on Rotten Tomatoes, we hear a narration by JOHN TYLER, his voice resonating. JOHN (V.O.) Starting in February of 2013, a small band of Rotten Tomatoes users decided that the stupidity and idiocy of the Internet had reached unprecedented levels that could no longer be tolerated. In order to combat this menace to the human race, this menace of stupidity, they formed the Trollfighters League, an elite group of the few intelligent people on the Internet, who are dedicated to the outright destruction of trolls, morons, and self-centered egotistical fuckheads. It is their ongoing mission to preserve this goal and continue bashing dumbasses online wherever they appear, whether its on Rotten Tomatoes, YouTube, Facebook, IMDb, Twitter, MySpace, or Reddit, but mainly Rotten Tomatoes. We high-speedily pan towards the point of the Earth with a sign popping up with the RT logo and the poster for the Tom Cruise sci-fi film Oblivion. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) The first great Trollfighter war was on the Oblivion forum on Rotten Tomatoes. Spanning two weeks and nearly 5,000 comments, most of it was unfortunately lost to time due to the intervention of the admins. However, it featured the original Trollfighters thread, and the fateful "We should actually form a Trollfighters League" quote from Diego

2. Tutweiller. The symbol of the Trollfighters was also created on this forum, making it one of the most historically important Internet threads of all time. Panning to the left, a sign pops up with a picture of the mentally challenged troll known as SCARY MOVIE 5. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) Among the conflicts on the Oblivion forum was the incessant stupidity of Scary Movie 5, a troll who created such classically obvious troll threads as "Awesome Script, But Pathetic Visuals," a commentary on how Oblivion apparently had great writing yet poor visual effects, a fact known to be false by anyone with a brain, although to be fair, the writing wasnt at all bad. Other conflicts involved questionable logic in the film, such as on a thread titled "Explain This To Me," and a small scrimmage with film critic Armond White, a pretentious John Moore-defending piece of shit who thought that using big words made him sound intelligent, when really, this added more to his retardation. The sign with Scary Movie 5s face goes away. SUPERIMPOSE: WINNER OF BATTLE: TROLLFIGHTERS WINNER OF WAR: ADMINS OVERALL LOSERS: TROLLFIGHTERS AND TROLLS JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) The end result? The Trollfighters were formed with founding members John Tyler and Diego Tutweiller, and John Tyler is in fact, me. Yeah, lets just say that everybody saw that one coming from a mile away. We pan to the northwest. A sign pops up with the RT logo and the poster for the controversial 2013 superhero film Man of Steel.

3. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) After the Trollfighters were formed on the Oblivion forum, the next destination for 99% of Rotten Tomatoes users was the largest blockbuster of the year, Man of Steel. After the migration to Man of Steel, the largest troll war of all time began. Within less than twenty-four hours, the first instance of Total Forum Clusterfuck had begun, and didnt end for a fucking month. We pan to the right and we pop up signs with pictures of DIEGO TUTWEILLER, JOHN ABELLA, GOD ZILLA, JAY CUTLER, John, and his wife KATE. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) The conflicts on Man of Steel were way too numerous to count, but here are some of the major ones. A circle rings around Tutweiller and God Zilla. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) God Zilla, an obnoxious and condescending pile of genetically-engineered donkey dick, initiated a war between himself and the Millennials on Man of Steel by making inflammatory statements about how young people were not allowed to have opinions, as they are young and stupid. After a backand-forth that eventually ended up resulting in an admin intervention, both sides declared victory and gave up. Most of these comments were deleted either by false flaggots, the posters themselves, or the admins. Another circle rings around Abella. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) John Abella was a pedophile masquerading as a child from an nondescript third-world country (probably Bangladesh). His rude comments and flamboyant stupidity made him an easy target for the Trollfighters. After

4. a seemingly endless battle, he was finally clubbed into submission by troll leader Jay Cutler. His trolling was incredibly fucking boring, even more boring than the things that happened in Paranormal Activity 2, and eventually, he ended up as a series of all-caps insults with no point, such as in this thread. SUPERIMPOSE: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/superman_man_of_steel/forum/?thr eadid=328214902 Another circle rings around Cutler. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) Originally going by the troll name of Jerry Benedict, Jay Cutler was forced to turn from the Troll Side to the Trollfighters after he realized how pathetic the trolls of RT were. However, he continued to engage in friendly fire with the Trollfighters, badgering me and David Tanny constantly. He then turned back to the Troll Side shortly afterwards just for the sake of it. One of Cutler and Tanny's classic banters can be found here. SUPERIMPOSE: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/superman_man_of_steel/forum/?thr eadid=328206637 Another circle rings around John and Kate. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) And now we come to this. Oh, deep joy. Man of Steel saw the introduction of Kate Tyler, a user who supposedly was my wife in real life. However, after a user called me out on making a fake account, I turned into a hermit Trollfighter, deleting the fake account and going into hiding. The Kate Tyler Affair became a subject of ridicule for me, mostly from Jay Cutler. I do have

5. a wife in reality, I really do, but heres the thing: when I first joined RT, I saw it as a chance to escape from reality, but on the site, I was acting like a drunk, nave, gullible idiot who doesnt see things too clearly. So thats why I made the fake account. Go ahead and throw vegetables at the fucking screen. After I came out of hiding, I went from being a nave fighter of Trolls to a more natural and perhaps cynical fellow. You can find the thread here. SUPERIMPOSE: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/superman_man_of_steel/forum/?thr eadid=328204884 The signs go away as the credits finish up. SUPERIMPOSE: WINNERS: TROLLFIGHTERS LOSERS: TROLLS JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) I was eventually forgiven by my fellow Trollfighters long afterwards and we duked it out with those on the Troll Side on the Elysium, Pacific Rim, Fast & Furious 6, Funeral Kings, and Robot Jox forums. The end result of the Man of Steel wars on RT was new Trollfighters members. Signs pop up showing CHASE NYLAND, ASH J. GILMORE, JEFF GOLDBLUM, DAVID TANNY, ALEX MAVERICK, LEO GIBSON, and DAVID MURPHEY. The signs then go away. JOHN (V.O.) (CONTD) Cutler got pissed at him and his Trolls losing to us and sought to destroy us... but not exactly online. Were talking a hell of a lot more than just that. CUT TO BLACK

6. MAIN OPENING TITLE: ROTTEN TOMATOES PRESENTS TROLLFIGHTERS CUT TO: EXT. CUTLERS MANSION - GEORGIA -- NIGHT We zoom in on the mansion of Cutler, James Wan-style. Lucky bastard. Its huge, its awesome, and its good-looking. Of course, it had to be owned by Cutler (also known as Cuntler). CUT TO: INT. CUTLERS BASE -- NIGHT We enter Cutlers top-secret base. Hes typing on his computer. We take a look at him, CAMERA PANNING up towards his face. A cold-hearted, determined man. He aint sorry for shit. CUT TO: EXT. COMPUTER SCREEN -- NIGHT We look at the screen. We see footage recorded of the locations of the Trollfighters. Chase in Philadelphia, Tutweiller in San Francisco, John and Kate in Enid, the works. We see words on the top-right corner of the screen: STREET LIGHT POLE CAM. Little tiny video cameras implanted on street light poles. Not exactly original, but who gives a fuck anyway? We CUT BACK TO Cutler. He gets off his desk chair. He enters an elevator. The elevator door closes. CUT TO: INT. CUTLERS BEDROOM -- NIGHT The elevator door opens. Cutler enters his bedroom, complete with a bed, drawers, a Kindle Fire, and a whole stack of movies with a sign: MOVIES THAT SUCK DICK. We hear five loud bangs on the bedroom door. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

7. CUTLER Who the fuck is it? PRESTON Cutler, its me! Matthew Preston! CUTLER Doors open. Come on in. MATTHEW PRESTON, the only non-white (NO RACISM INTENDED!) and intelligent Troll, flings the door open and quickly closes it. CUTLER I assume youre out of speed. Ill get you some more chronic. PRESTON Thank you for your kind... (gets the joke) ...oh, I see what you did there! Preston laughs in an alien-like manner. CUTLER Color me witty. So, dare I ask, why are you running for your life? PRESTON Jake. He discovered the pictures of me giving Carlos Lo a gravity blowjob. CUTLER A gravity blowjob? What the fuck kind of shit are you babbling about? PRESTON I gave him a blowjob in the style of how Sandra Bullock and George Clooney were floating in Gravity. CUTLER I may have to try that sometime. PRESTON I was high on LSD and now Jakes going to

8. shove my ass down the john and flush it! CUTLER John, eh? Now color me intrigued. PRESTON I wasnt talking about the Trollfighter! CUTLER I know, I know. Whenever someone says the name John or the word john, I cant help but have thoughts of that arrogant, no-life shithead. PRESTON Hes like Satan, except more young, so logically, much dumber. CUTLER Exactly. He should just jump off a cliff and die on impact. PRESTON Dare I say it, hes too good for a death akin to that. Something like that is more better-suited to even dumber fucks like Jed Groff. CUTLER Oh, the no-brain fucktard who liked This Means War, Die Hard 5, Killing Season, Battlefield Earth, and Apollo 18. We hear three massively loud bangs on the door. BAAANG!!!! BAAANG!!!! BAAANG!!!! Cutler and Preston cover their ears. CUTLER I think my left eardrum just fucking split in half. PRESTON Mine are near the point of blowing up in gory fashion.

9. We hear three more of those goddamn bangs on the door, except even louder. BAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!! A final BANG! knocks the door down. Staring angrily at Matthew Preston is his Australian bisexual husband JAKE. JAKE You arrogant fucking shit! PRESTON Oh, fuckbunnies. Jake chases Preston around Cutler in the style of Benny Hill. They become exhausted seven seconds afterwards. Jake grabs a dildo and stabs Matthew in the shoulder with it. Theres BLOOD SPURTING ALL OVER THE PLACE! Matthew screams in over-the-top, hammy fashion. CUTLER The hells wrong with you two fuckers? Youre like an *old* married couple. Just kiss and make up for fucks sakes. JAKE Brilliant idea! CUTLER Oldest fucking trick in the book. Jake and Matthew run to their bedroom. Cutler closes his door. We hear over-the-top, overacted sexual moaning sounds. Jake and Matty decided to get it on. Consider it a form of make-up sex. CARLOS (O.S.) You ugly bitches! MATTHEW (O.S.) Goddammit, Carlos!

10. CUTLER I weep for Trolldom. Cutler breaks a limited edition Predators beer glass. CUTLER Trollfighters. Lousiest sacks of shit ever to exist in this universe. There will be a time when they will fail to be mentioned. They wish to triumph me. If they really think that, they need CAT scans. Once they parish from this Earth, I will be responsible for the human race originating from Trolls everywhere on the globe. Ill have goddamn everything: gorgeous women, money, power, world domination, and even slaves consisting of children that Ill use to do most of my dirty work. Oh, how Ill show them. In a way itll be impossible for them to overcome my forces. My name is Jay fucking Cutler, goddammit...AND I AM DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND TROLLFIGHTERS EVERYWHERE! He stomps on the ground. He opens a drawer and grabs a glosscovered phone book. He opens it up to the right page. CUTLER Well, well, well...if it isnt Mr. 10 out of 10 himself...in Enid of all places. Well, John Tyler...its time to learn how not to fuck with Trolls. CUT TO: INT. ENID, OKLAHOMA - NEIGHBORHOOD -- DAY We enter a neighborhood in Enid, Oklahoma, the home of John and Kate Tyler. High-speed Internet connectivity, low crime rate...no trees anywhere (I shit you not)...a good amount of tornadoes every 10 years. But what the hell? Its a great town.

11. EXT. TYLER HOUSE -- DAY - CONTINUOUS CAMERA GOES SHAKY now (nothing aggressive; just in the style of Brandon Trost; case in point, This is the End) as we look at Johns and Kates house. Its nice, but nothing luxurious as Cutlers mansion. Lucky-ass motherfucker... Of course our protagonist has to live in a house reminiscent of the one Zach Gilford and Allison Miller lived in from Devils Due and our villain has to live in generic bad guy expensive mansion 247-B... CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - TYLER HOUSE -- DAY - CONTINUOUS We see John, a lightly-bearded, good-looking guy with the first signs of a new mustache, typing on his computer. We see his computer screen. Microsoft Office Word 2010. Hes attempting to write a Blade Runner review. The font is Century Gothic. He has a look on his face, telling us hes trying to come up with words to describe his love for Blade Runner (greatest movie of all time, bitches) but everybodys said everything already and its just hard as fuck to write it in your own words. He shrinks the document. He goes to IMDb and goes to its Blade Runner page. He clicks on the user reviews. With reluctance, he copies and pastes many of the words on a review onto his document. He face-palms and nods his head, in shame that he had to plagiarize and not write on his own. He saves and closes the document, and then closes the page. John gets up out of a desk chair and walks in the kitchen. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - DAY -- CONTINUOUS We see his wife Kate, around the same age as John, very pretty, resilient and whatnot, sitting at a table. He sits next to her. (CONTINUED)

12. KATE Hey. JOHN Hey. KATE Anything new on your site? JOHN Not much, but on Saturday, me and a bunch of others are gonna do an RC on Twilight. KATE Whats an RC? JOHN Running commentary. KATE Ah. JOHN Im both hyped and terrified at the same time. Hyped because I cant wait to beat down that piece of shit; terrified because Twilight is an abomination to humankind. KATE Yeah, why Twilights popular is beyond me. JOHN It baffles the goddamn piss out of me. I mean, seriously, all it is is some bland emo bitch falling in love with a retarded constipated fairy for no reason, and then it turns into a love triangle when we add in a fucking CGI-sixpack wolf who always has to take his shirt off so fangirls can wet their pants over him. Hell, I wouldnt call him a werewolf. When hes in the form of a wolf, he looks more like a gigantic teddy bear done in fucking After Effects. (CONTINUED)

13. KATE Bingo. John gives Kate a nice kiss on the lips. She smiles. JOHN You gotta give credit where credit is due. Kate chuckles a bit, close to giggling. JOHN Wonder whats on TV. KATE Well, lets see. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS John and Kate walk into the living room. They sit next to each other on a leather couch. John grabs the remote (good old Time Warner Cable) and turns on the TV, flipping through several channels until he gets to the Cinemax. The TV screen shows the infamous basketball scene from Wes Cravens 1986 sci-fi horror gem Deadly Friend. Kristy Swanson throws a basketball at Anne Ramseys head and the head explodes. John begins to laugh at this scene, mainly for how infamous, how legendary, and frankly, how incredibly stupid this scene is. KATE Yeah, whats you without the basketball? JOHN Its just the greatest scene ever in a movie. I talk about it nearly all the time to my friends on RT. Its just been stuck in my head since...what was it, uh, twenty years ago. 1993, first time I saw that movie.