jester

december 2013

There arent enough moms! I gotta get more moms!

JDF

Jester of Columbia

Table of Contents
Bruno Mars Needs Moms Ad Table of Contents Letter and Deaths Editarus Lewis and Clark Google Maps/The Road not Taken MTV Spring Break 2014 Dr. Who Pitch Meeting/Native Americans and Columbus Medival Mission Trip Adult Theme Park Polite Bank Robbers Some Reservations Ad/ Jesus Regifts Lists TSA Agents Day Off/ MasterCard MBA Travel Rewards International Student Orientation/ Birthright South Dakota Yelp Reviews of Friends Houses Westside Ad Pocket Phrasebook Sky mall ad

TRAVEL
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9-10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13-14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20

December 2013, Travel

LETTERS

to the editor

DEATHS
MY PILOT ABOUT FRIENdS TRYING TO mAKE IT IN THE CITY, 2 mONTHS. Apparently that already exists. WRECKING BALL, 5 YEARS. Got syphilis from Miley Cyrus. SIRI. Was told by iPhone user Clark Lewison, Siri, youre a piece of shit and nobody likes you and you should quit trying while youre ahead. Siri proceeded to self-deactivate, leaving Clark with the inability to go hands-free for the rest of his phone-wielding careernot that it really matters, he always found hands-free to be a stupid idea. GARY SANCHEZ, 57. Was given such an intense hicky his sexual partner sucked all his guts out, effectively turning him into a shell of empty skin. MARTHA DOLP, 54. Rapidly swallowed her boyfriends guts in a matter of seconds. CHIVALRY, 613, ANd GRANNY WILSON, 67. Little Johnny Wilson forgot to hold open a very, very heavy door while his grandmother was walking through. MARVIN SANCHEZ, 44. Dont act like you didnt see this coming, You know Marvin. PETES XBOX 360, 4. Got the red rings of death. PETE, 27. Got the other type of red rings of death (herpes).

Dear Jester, As a friendless orphan, your the only source of happiness in my life, and I feel as though Ive only continued to find meaning in life knowing that I had your magazine to read every week. Love, Robert Posner - Denver, CO Dear Rob, Youre* Best, Jester Dear Jester, Do you have a crush on Jimmy? Circle one: YES NO MAYBE Sincerely, Kimmy Dear Kimmy, Fuck no Jimmys gross but his brothers hot. Dont share this with anyone, Jester Dear Jester, You have to watch this! http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=D36JUfE1oYk Best, Dan K - New Bentonhurst, Oklahoma Dear Dan, Hahahahah! Good one. Will definitely forward. Sincerely, Jester

Dear Jester, I am writing to express my enthusiasm for an internship at the Jester Humor Magazine for the spring semester Dear Jester, Do you guys even care anymore? People are out there of 2014. I am a junior in college, and in addition to my rigorous studies, I am pursuing a career in comedy. The dying, and youre just sitting in your cushy offices, sipping lattes and writing shitty Fear Factor parodies opportunity to contribute to the Jester is very exciting or whatever the hell you guys do these days. Comedy to me. Above all, I believe my most important asset is my passion and reverence for, and knowledge of, used to mean something, but I guess that eras over. television and comedy. If you have any questions, please Speaking truth to power, contact me at (555) 715-4723 or shaunamilligan@ Marc L - New York, NY gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank Dear Marc, you for your time and consideration. We are really grateful for your insight, and want Sincerely, to do all we can to address it, but first, did you Shauna Milligan see this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDear Shauna, 36JUfE1oYk? Its a kitten meeting a hedgehog! I Robots do our jobs nowshouldnt of majored in know, I know, its crazy! Anyways, what were you English saying? Thank you for your time and consideration, Best, Jester Jester
3 Jester of Columbia

JESTER
VOL XLMSTFU NO. 3

Readers, Want to take vacation under six dollars? Never fear! There is a wide range of activities that you could afford to do! Its as easy as sneaking around your foreign friends room, taking his passport and a round-trip ticket to Lithuania from his bottom drawer, hiring a guy who forges passports for a living to superimpose your face onto your friends passport picture AND YOURE OFF TO LITHUANIA! This is the most exciting moment of your life! You cant wait to see what Lithuania is all about. After 32.6 hours of travel, youve arrived in the beautiful city of wherever you land. Who cares where you are. You find out that your 6 dollars is like having 5 million dollars in Lithuania! You can drink all the beer and watch all the basketball games and drink all the beer you want. And watch basketball games! Do this until you get bored and want to come back home. What a great vacation! You land in NYC and its springtime! You see a familiar face approaching. Oh hello! He punches you in the dick. You recognize him: the passport forger! He chloroforms you, and you wake up strapped to a chair in a back alley. He starts beating the shit out of you when you hear the sweet sound of the police sirens. What a treat; youre about to see the American justice system in action! The policemen unstrap you, but surprise: they slap handcuffs not on the passport forger, but on YOU! ~plot twist!!!~ You suddenly are excited for Thanksgiving this year because you finally have a cooler story to tell than stupid cousin Betsy the Nat Geo photographer. Ooooh, I photograph animals! NOT THIS YEAR, BETSY!!

DECEMBER 2013

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Bijan Samareh LAYOUT EDITOR Sheiling Chia ART DIRECTOR Jessica Fan SECRETARY Orli Matlow EVENTS/PUBLICITY Eleanor Bray TREASURER Jackson Fisher PUBLISHER Fiona Rowan BUSINESS MANAGER Max Feist CONTRIBUTORS Daniel Tompkins Danielle Smith Esther Moerdler Ken Plon

FIONA ROWAN
Publisher

THE JESTER OF COLUMBIA, ESTABLISHED 1901, IS COLUMBIA UNIVERSITYS ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE Jester is published as many as four times a year and is distributed free of charge to the Columbia University community. Please limit one copy per person. Views, ideas, opinions, or unsavory epithets expressed in Jester do not necessarily reflect those of Columbia University, its student body, or even the wise-ass college students who wrote them. Any similarities to actual people, places, or events are coincedental, or satirical in nature. For information on getting involved, advertising, or our personal lives, please contact [email protected]
December 2013, Travel 4

If Lewis & Clark Had

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood I couldnt decide where to go I opted for the one on the left My footwear can handle the snow And holy shit, that was a mistake I stumbled upon a pond that glistened It showed me that I would die in a tractor accident I wish that I hadnt listened Your mom is disappointed in you! cried the willow tree and the squirrels started to dance David was the love of your life; You should have taken a chance

Google Maps

Lewis: Oh, well, here we go. I think Im getting signal. Clark: Ugh, finally! Weve been wandering around without direction for like, 15 minutes. Lewis: Just one more fathom in this direction, and Were here. Clark: Awesome. Love the new Google Maps update. Lewis: Didnt even need any help from Sacagawea: Hello! Im youre guide and we can learn about each others cultures and unite to birth the new West! Lewis and Clark: Were over it

Suddenly a troll kicked me And I stumbled to the ground He whispered to me leave! And I finally turned around I stood where the roads diverged And went on the other path Lordy, I could have been spared The other roads wrath This path was clean and paved Signs annotated the way I finally got to the office And here Im gonna stay I shall tell this to my family if I find them Pass this on to generations hence I took the one less traveled by, And that made all the difference.

FR/OM

Jester of Columbia

SPRING BREAK 2014 SCHEDULE OF EVENTs

WELCOME TO MTV SPRING BREAK 2014!!! This year, were doing things a little differently. Weve taken you to the hottest parties all over the world, but now, were taking you somewhere youve never been - THE PAST!!! Monday First, well be pregaming in ancient Jerusalem with the main homie JESUS!!! This party animal is known for turning water into wine, and since the human body is 57% H2O, well be using divine magic to transform ourselves into walking bags of Franzia! And we know that everyones night is going to end up O-POSITIVE, and there even may be a SECOND COMING! LIKE SEX, GUYS! WOOOOOOO!!! Tuesday - Wednesday After that, well be taking you to Austria in 1907 to the home of the young Adolf Hitler. Dont worry, he and his folks are going to be out of town, so its up to us to THROW THE RAGER OF A LIFETIME AND TRASH HIS HOUSE!!! What better way to celebrate your vacation than wreaking vengeance on the most hated man in history by ruining all his stuff? Some people may deny the Holocaust, but nobodys going to deny it when you SHIT YOURSELF WHILE WEARING HITLERS PANTS!!! Thursday - Friday Wait til you hear whats popping off next. Well be taking our guests on a personal party-tour of the night of their conception! Whats crazier than getting fucked up with your parents BEFORE THEY FUCK TO CREATE YOU!!! You know what thats called? FUCKCEPTION BITCHES!!! Saturday - Sunday Finally, well be taking you back to Spring Break 1997! Back when MTV was still cool! Back when Pauly Shore and Carmen Electra owned Americas hearts and boners, respectively! Back before we foraged through the cultural dumpsters of Jersey Clubs and teen pregnancy for all our programming! Back when people liked us, right guys? People thought we were cool, right? Right? Spring break? SPRING BREAK!?!!?!!?
December 2013, Travel JDF 6

Pitch Meeting for Dr. Who (1963)

JOHN: The BBC is on a bloody downward spiral, lads! We need something to put something new on the telly that will engage viewers and get our numbers up. Something new, something hip, something thatll hook the young lads and totties for a long time. MATTHEW: I think I have what might be a smashing idea. JOHN: Smashing, innit? Lay it on me. MATTHEW: Alright, what if we made a series about a time-traveling doctor? STEPHEN: Time travel? Youre talking codswallop. Theres no way we can afford to make that happen on our budget. MATTHEW: No, no, we nix the fancy FX and make it look really poorly-produced on purpose. STEPHEN: Why would we want to JOHN: Genius! Making it look poorly-produced on purpose. A fine idea. MATTHEW: And the doctor can be sort of a human lad but also not, and travel in a phone booththingy, and be chased down by these wonky robot aliens called Daleks! STEPHEN: That sounds a smidge hard to explain to investors MATTHEW: Thats the point! And its not just going to confuse investors; well also make it really hard for viewers to explain the premise to their friends. JOHN: Oh, yes! But they should also be real wankers about the fact that they watch the show when they are forced to explain it. MATTHEW: Exactly. Spot on, sir! STEPHEN: I dont know if this will really last MATTHEW: Well when our actors get too old, we can replace them with new ones, especially the title character. Im thinking we have 11...12 different protagonists? STEPHEN: Okay, there is no way this is going to work. We are going to get nobbled! JOHN: Sold! Lets work on this show for the next 40 years.

BS

Jester of Columbia

u r e J My Medieval Mission Trip

April 9, 1095: What a beautiful Sunday morning! The wind is blowing, the air is warm, and life is wonderful! We have just started our mission in Jerusalem, and boy, am I excited. The pope blessed the mission last month, and we are ready to do Gods work in the Middle East. This place is so different from Rome! Im afraid I must confirm all the myths from back home. They do in fact worship Satan. Except they seem to call him by the name of Allah or something to that effect. Never fear! We are implementing this great new strategy: if we dont like something, we simply kill all the people that do, and then the problem is solved forever! July 18, 1097: Things are getting pretty heated. It seems like the people dont want our help! They obviously have not advanced enough to understand our science. They seem to think that an apple falling from a tree is not the work of God, and is instead some other mystical force! HA! The devil himself has clearly taken control of their minds. This will be harder than I had originally thought! February 15, 1098: Violence has predominated this mission. As strange as it seems, the people of Jerusalem refuse to give up their religions, family and friends to follow our pope, a leader that they have never met but knows what is best for them, in the name of our obviously superior God! Middle Eastern people sure are strange. On a lighter note, tomorrow Im going to have brunch with Dave in the quaint parts of the village. I havent seen him since the beginning of the mission he is always out on the frontiers. I met a native the other day who is going to give us the authentic experience, take us to the secret places only the locals know about. Apparently thats where to get the best of their exotic food! And in return were not going to kill his family and everyone he loves. I am tickled with excitement! February 16, 1098: Dave is dead. July 26, 1099: Well, we finally fixed all of Jerusalems problems, for the time being! The pre-mission six week training program has taught us well. Theirs is a confusing culture the ones that are still alive dont seem too grateful. Dont be timid, now! Youre welcome, my good brown people! Our deed is done. The west has left an amazing legacy, and I am happy to say there will never be another problem in the Middle East again, ever! I think Im going to ask for a referral from the leader of the trip for the next Crusade. I just love helping people in need of guidance from the educated and civilized. Maybe he will put in a good word for me!

m e l sa

December 2013, Travel

FR

Adult Theme

1) Grab a snack from Smooth Jazz Smoothies & Jazz or take stroll through the museum of recently outdated sitcoms! 2) Ride the menstrual cycle, but only if you dare to take the plunge down menopause mountain! 3) Once you step on the Loop-the-Loop of Loneliness, youll never step off. Literally (Warning: Cars contain room for only one human passenger, but up to a dozen cats)! 4) Does your wife still find you attractive? Find out in the House of Brutally honest mirrors! 5) Visit the Pregnancy Pavilion to ride the Mood Swing and take a spin on the Umbilical Cord! 6) Ride our Carpool Lane shuttle to work world! Lose time you could be spending with your family climbing the Corporate Ladder, or collect a letter of reference from The Professor, the Former Employer, and all the other characters on the Resume Round-up! 7) The Build-A-Last-Will-And-Testament Workshop is the highlight of the Facing Your Own Mortality Zone. Dont miss the crowd of people who are younger than you and have found success in the field of their dreams! 8) Start a retirement fund. This isnt a ride, but youll die a destitute shell of a human being if you dont!

Park

Los Angeles Police Department Audio Transcript

Incident: Bank of America, Downtown LA Branch Robbery Date: December 2, 2013 Man: Excuse me, pardon me Im just going to um... Oh Im sorry were you about to withdraw? No you go ahead its fine. Im Alex by the wayWoman: [shrilly] Dont tell them your name. Man: Sorry. I cant tell you my name. I like yours though. Woman: Hurry up miss. Man: [to clerk] Um excuse me, miss? Hi, Im a bank robber, and this is my partner here. Would you mind just putting all the money in this bag? Woman: Show her the gun. Man: Oh miss? Sorry, my partner just wanted to make sure you knew that I have a gun. Its an assault rifle. If you want, Ill let you try it out once this whole stickup is over. [Muffled cry] Man: Oh, did I step on your foot? Im so sorry. Here let me help you up. Woman: Im going to tie up the hostages. Man: Good idea partner. Um excuse me. Yes excuse me, hostages. My partner is going to be coming around to tie you up and offer you some homemade brownies. And dont worry, if your allergic we have a gluten-free option. We dont want to kill anybody, haha.[The man leaves the reception desk. He returns.]Oh miss. This is Mr. and Ms. Miller. Gosh, wouldnt you know their son is getting married today. Hooray. I think I should let them go right? I mean its only polite. Woman: Alright theyre all tied up. [The clerk returns] Man: [to clerk] You were gone a while. Wow you really have a nice office here. I guess I should be trying to steal your decorating style! Woman: Wait. Someone escaped. Man: Oh that was just the Millers. [to clerk] Poor thing. She worries too much. Woman: No I think someone untied them. [Crashing glass as the police burst in] Officer Tom Miller: POLICE! Lets make this quick. Ive got my own wedding to get to.

11

MF

Jester of Columbia

Jesus Regifts the Wise Mens Presents

[Balthazar stands in the center of his parlor. Jesus enters and approaches him with a gift.] Balthazar-Oh Jesus youre here. And, my you look so thin. Jesus-Its the contour robes. Father insisted I wear them. [Jesus presents his gift.] Balthazar-Why Jesus you shouldnt have. Your supplying the wine was a present enough. [He opens the gift.] Why youve brought me myrrh. Jesus-Only the finest for you Balthazar. Balthazar-Yes it seems youve thought long on your gift...Tell me where did you get it? Jesus-Why I had my apostles roam near and far for this breed. Mathew procured it in Jericho. Balthazar-Oh? I was there only yesterday. They said they were fresh out. Jesus-Of myrrh? Balthazar-The very same. Jesus-Why you must be mistaken. I procured it myself-Balthazar-You? You said Mathew had picked it. Jesus-Oh, yes, Mathew was accompanying me-Balthazar-Oh Jesus enough. I know these are the very herbs I gave you on your birth. Jesus-At least my choice suited your age. What can a child hope to do with myrrh? Balthazar-So many things. Myrrh, as fashioned by your father, has a great many uses. Jesus-Well even Father makes mistakes. One it seems was in creating you. Balthazar-Out! I want you out of my house. Jesus-I pray you treat your other guests more kindly. Balthazar-And I pray you learn to leave the Gods son act at home. December 2013, Travel MF 12

g Packin List
-Gasoline -chloroform -hacksaw -human-size folding duffel -bag -Matches -Travel scrabble

Co lon

ing List k c a P l a i
-belt for your pants -belt for your hat -belt for your shoes -disregard for human life

Car Trip Gam es

-Dont Breathe -Musical Drivers Seat -Hide Under the Blankets in the Trunk -Guess the Adopted Child -Jousting -Honda Civic No Punch Backs

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Jester of Columbia

es to Sip Champag c a l ne rP e h Ot

-on the ground -Jeffs house -greyhound bus bathroom -Your mistress house on your wedding -your fifth marriage -when youre 13 at your cousins wedding -at applebees before prom -watching julie and Julia with your mom

Fair Trades
-Unbroken home for two Christmases -Years of human suffering for a great screenplay -Job opportunities for that awesome tat -Yours for Mine -Charizard for Pikachu -My left arm for the story

f Cars with o s e am l In Front na

-Anal Explorer -Anal Fiesta -Anal Discovery -Anal Charger -Anal Probe -Anal Frontier -Anal Titan -Anal Outback

December 2013, Travel

14

TSA Agents Day Off

7:34 a.m. Searched the kids backpacks, found scissors and superglue in Suzies. Allegedly for an art project. Timmy had a pocketknife, said it was a birthday gift. Will talk to wife later to see if stories pan out. 9:49 a.m. Put all the shampoo and conditioner into 3.4 ounce bottles, the house seems safer already. 11:03 a.m.Worried about the amount of nail clippers in the house, will bring it up at dinner. 1:58 p.m. Finished installing full body image scanner on the front porch, our guests are going to love it. 3:05 p.m. Arrived at the school early to pick up the kids, randomly searched a few cars. 3:25 p.m. Used money from the search to buy kids McDonalds. 4:11 p.m. Kids forgot to remove shoes when entering the house, detained them in their rooms for a half an hour. 5:38 p.m. Randomly selected neighbor for additional questioning, turns out Mr. and Mrs. Nasser are getting a divorce. 6:27 p.m. The nail clippers are for personal hygiene. I threw them all away. 7:30 p.m. Watched Jeopardy! 10:32 p.m. Metal detected and tucked kids into bed. Only a two and a half hour delay. 12:22 a.m. Gave wife a full body pat down, found some mysterious curves. Might have to do a cavity search.

&

Penalty Rewards Program

TRAVEL POINTS

Outline of Rewards

5 Penalties = Free coffee mug 10 Penalties = A major sports commentator will give you an insulting nickname 15 Penalties = An opposing coach OF YOUR CHOICE will throw a chair at you during any home game 20 Penalties = Free face tattoo 25 Penalties = You get to choose your teams mascot for one game (Please no racial slurs, anatomical features, or racially insensitive anatomical features. Besides that, go nuts.) 30 Penalties = Free face tattoo removal 35 Penalties = Free tabloid media exploitation of one drug and/or prostitution scandal OF YOUR CHOICE 40 Penalties = An angry single dad will yell at you in front of his kid about how you need to be a better example 45 Penalties = Free plastic surgery to remove tattoo laser surgery scars 50 Penalties = One Guaranteed Spot on Dancing with the Stars
15 DS/JF Jester of Columbia

International Student Orientation

RAJ: I am thrilled and honored to be joining this elite institution from India. I feel I can offer a unique perspective on the Western canon, being from the heart of the east. MBASA: It is an honor to study here and hopefully bring lessons back to help improve the educational infrastructure in Senegal. JENNIFER: Hi, Im from Canada, I come from a culture...um I came to the states I didnt want to go to University of Guelph. I have a lot of culturally interesting things to offer the queen is on my money? We put the letter U in words that are U-less here. FARID: In my country of Pakistan people were shocked and offended that I would come to America, the main exporter or suffering and oppression and perpetrator of drone strikes. MBASA: I got that from my friends at home, too. I had to explain to them that just because I come to America doesnt mean Ill become a rugged individualist willing to undermine my history and my community for acceptance like most people do. JENNIFER: Ya totally I got that too like people in my country still havent gotten over the War of 1812. RAJ: I need to get used to the food. It is hard to find a decent samosa on this side of the ocean! JENNIFER: Ya. The syrup just isnt the same on this side of Lake Ontario. DHARMA: Something I'm anxious about is being objectified as an exotic beauty from the east. JENNIFER: You think the east is exotic? Try the north.
December 2013, Travel OM 16

Tiffanys House
Nearest Transit Station: My mom drove me there in her PT Cruiser Hours: Tiffany goes to bed early (lame!) Attire: I always look good but Tiffanys mom didnt like my low-rise jeans Price Range: $$$$ Even though shes kinda weird her house is SOOO nice Good for Groups: Yes thats why we always go there she has a HUGE couch

Tiffanys mom wouldnt let us eat in her TV room, which is really rude considering MY mom lets me eat wherever I want. I like Tiffanys house tho because she has a really big TV room and mine isnt as big, which means we can have like all the cool people in our grade over and they can all fit in the room. I gave it 3 stars out of 5 cause her mom is a total buzzkill and wont let us have boys over.

Brads House
Nearest Transit Station: Hes my next door neighbor lmao Hours: Sometimes I sneak through his window rly late DO NOT tell my mom lmao Attire: Brad is a total nerd but Ive known him since I was little its one of those things you know Price Range: $$ Like not as big as my house but still nice Good for Groups: Not rly but I love Brad hes so funny ha ha

Brads house is the coolest! He lives right next to me which is soo funny cause everyone thinks were dating and stuff but we are totally NOT. Were just really good friends like our parents are friends and stuff. His mom lets me hang out in his room and he has Guitar Hero which I dont have at my house so we play that game a lot. His house has a cool bannister on his stairs to his basement and sometimes we slide down it but one time he broke his arm doing that so we dont do it as much anymore.

Kimmys House
Nearest Transit Station: Ive only been to her Price Range: $ Her parents dont believe in money house once but it took FOREVER to get to idk they get all their stuff by trading with other people Hours: No matter what time of day it is Kimmys but idk how they get HBO u cant trade for that lol house is always really dark its kinda scary Good for Groups: Probs not I dont think anyone Attire: Her dad runs around in a robe idk its should go to Kimmys tbh weird Kimmys house is super weird. Its all dark and filled with plants and pictures of fairies and Im pretty sure her parents dont work they just sit in the garden all day. Mrs. Anderson paired us in a group project so thats why I had to go to her house and we didnt get to order pizza like I wanted bcuz Kimmy doesnt eat cheese or something idk. My cell phone didnt get reception at her house so I was super scared I was gonna get like kidnapped LOL JK but kinda.
EB

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Jester of Columbia

December 2013, Travel

18

A Travelers
GERMANY

Pocket Phrasebook
FRANCE
Could please direct me to where they sell the sausages? / Pourrait s'il vous plat me diriger l'endroit o ils vendent des saucisses? No thanks, I dont really care for the Louvre. Just tell me where the sausages are. / No, merci! Je ne minquite pas vraiment pour le Louvre. Dis-moi juste o les saucisses sont. Give me all the sausages you have. / Je voudrais acheter trois saucisses. This is taking too long. Just put them in this garbage bag. Hurry. / Ces saucisses sont dlicieuses!

Hey! My name is ______ and Im from America! / Hey! Mein Name ist ______ und komme aus Amerika! What kind of sausages do you guys have? / Welche Art von Wurst Habt ihr? Wow, so much to choose from! You know, what? Give me a bratwurst, and a knackwurstyou know what, Ill just take one of everything! / Oh, was ist der Unterschied zwischen der Bratwurst und der Knackwurst? This is the best vacation ever! These sausages are delicious! / Ah, schrauben, ich nehme beide!

UKRAINE

I want sausage. / YA khochu deyaki sosysky. I dont give a shit about this place being a known human settlement from 2000 years ago; the more you go on blabbing about that shit the less sausages I am eating. / YA prosto khochu , deyaki kovbasy , u vas nemaye , shchob skazaty meni pro istoriyu vasho krany , abo bud-yaky inshyy . What do you mean you dont know of a sausage place around here? Is it cause you guys are socialists? Is the government hogging all of the sausages? What the fuck? / Bilsh kovbasy , bud laska! Wait a minute, does that mean the government gives you free sausages? If so, how do I become a citizen?/

CHINA Where are the sausages? / Xingchng zi nl? What? You mean you guys dont really eat sausages? You eat dog, right? Do you feed your dog sausage? Could I have some of that sausage? / Shnme? N de ysi sh nmen miyu zhn de ch xingchng? You are serious? Thats an innacurate cultural stereotype and there are no sausages? / Sh zujn de jchng zi nl? Where is the nearest airport. / Shu y b ch xingchng? COSTA RICA

TURKEY Take me to your sausages. / Sizin sosis gtr How close are we to the sausages? / Ne kadar yakn biz sosis iin vardr? Faster. / Daha hzl. Ill give you a hundred bucks if you run this red./ Lanet Paray al. Ben 100 sosis olacak.

Me want sausage now. / Me quiero salchichas ahora. What do you mean Ive swept both hemispheres of their entire sausage supply and that I have made sausages an extinct foodstuff? / Qu quiere decir que he barrido ambos hemisferios de toda su oferta de salchichas y que he hecho las salchichas un producto alimenticio extinto? Does that mean I cant have sausage? /Eso significa que no puedo tener la salchicha? *rips head off* / * rasgaduras se marchan *

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BS

Jester of Columbia

YOU HAVE TO BUY THIS WE DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS JUST BUY IT