BROADWAY MUSICAL: THE BROADWAY MUSICAL

A parody of musicals Book by Ann Hascalovitz, Benjamin Miller and Kimberley Gauthier Music by Ann Hascalovitz, James Van Der Heide and David Bernacki Orchestration by James Van Der Heide, David Bernacki, Justin Guignard and Cameron Streicher Lyrics by Ann Hascalovitz

COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST MARVIN, 20ISH ABE, 20ISH WENDY, 20ISH THE JEALOUS CHORUS GUY, ANY AGE, IDEALLY 30S THE NARRATOR, 30ISH EVA, 20ISH TRACY - BOUDOIR GIRL 1, LATE 30S ROXIE - BOUDOIR GIRL 2, EARLY 20S, SEDUCTRESS FRANK/MARYLIN MONROE IMPERSONATOR BOUDOIR GIRL 3, TRANSVESTITE OR DRAG QUEEN, 30S GUY FROM THE AUDIENCE, MIDDLE AGED VAMPIRE GIRL, EARLY 20S, PURE ZOMBIE GUY, 20S, HANDSOME CHORUS (SUBSTITUTING FOR VAMPIRES, ZOMBIES, MOST CHARACTERS LISTED BELOW, NUMBER OF MEMBERS UNDETERMINED) VAMPIRE LEADER, LATE 20S ZOMBIE LEADER, LATE 20S WISE OLD MAN, OLDISH BILL FROM ACCOUNTING, VERY MIDDLE-AGED BOBBY, MIDDLE-AGED MARY, MIDDLE-AGED CAROL, MIDDLE AGED SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED SECRETARY ROLAND, HOMELESS BOSS, MIDDLE AGED RANDOM GUY, TWENTYISH RANDOM OFFICIAL GUY, 30ISH OWNER, MIDDLE AGED, HAS FACIAL HAIR (OF HANDLEBAR PROPORTION) M. RIGHT DHAMALAN, WASHED UP, OLD, TIRED

ACT I CHARACTERS MARVIN, THE JEALOUS CHORUS GUY, CHORUS, THE NARRATOR, BOBBY, MARY, HOMELESS GUY TIME The present, Bright and shining morning PLACE Marvins Apartment. It is small, but brightly coloured, there are many posters of classic Broadway musicals. There is also a music stand and a mirror.

Scene 1-1: Marvin realizes hes going to be late This is your Typical Broadway Show Woooooooah Ooooh woooah Woooooah oooh ayayayaya ooaaah Aaa-OOOOOh shabadibababa badooba b aba da woah woah waoh wao-oh This is your typical Broadway show Welcome to the opening number You know its time to celebrate Cause when you wake up on Broadway street You know the days gonna be great! Music plays as everyone around me says hello, How glad I am to be on this typical Broadway show! Bobby: Well hello there Marvin!! Marvin: Hey there Bobby! Bobby: I hope you have wonderful day today Marvin: I sure will!!!! It says so right here! (shows him script) Bobby: Ha ha ha ha (hearty laugh) Well thats just dandy! I take a step outside, I sniff in the fresh air, Oh how I love this town, And my very stylish hair! The music starts to play, I feel ready to go, How glad I am to be on this typical Broadway show! Why drive when you can dance your way to work (dance your way to work) Why cry when you can sing away your hurt (honey no more tears) We sing it every morning Everyone:

and so everybody knows How glad we are to be in this typical Broadway show! Typ-typical Broadway show uh-oh Typ-typical Broadway show uh-oh Typ-typical Broadway show uh-oh Typ-typical Broadway show We love to sing and so everybody knows How glad we are to be in this typical Broadway show Marvin: God I love this typical Broadway show! (spoken) Mary bakes her famous apple pie (Mary: How you doin Marvin!?) And Rolland is our token homeless guy (Rolland: got any change?) There are dancers in the street Getting honked at by police (honk) Cmon let it go, Everyone: This is a Broadway show!! Typ-typical Broadway show uh-oh Typ-typical Broadway show uh-oh Typ-typical Broadway show uh-oh Typ-typical Broadway show Chorus with Marvin: We love to sing and so everybody knows How glad we are to be in this typical Broadway show! Theres a tingle in my heart with every step (Heart goes bu-bu-bump) A twinkle in my eye for every verse (Twinkle little star) Is it my eyes or my smile that gives it away (aaah-aaah) I am here to stay (aaah)(hes here to stay) I love you Broadway Street And I love my life!!! Dont you know (chorus: oh oh oh) This is your typical Broadway Show Ooh, lala, badabada baaaaaa (Music begins to fade. Pose dramatically; tableau, while breathing heavily.) MARVIN Oh my well, it seems as if all that singing and dancing has only brought me 4 minutes and 43 seconds into my commute! (Looks around more) Probably also would have been smart if I didnt dance around the same block three times. (Pause, ponders) I guess I better hurry or Im going to be late for work! Too bad they outlawed singing on the public transit Ive only got my own two feet now. My own two feet and an orchestra that is cue the running music boys!

RUNNING MUSIC PLAYS (MARVIN RUNS OFF STAGE, OPPOSITE FROM WHERE HE ENTERED. MUSIC STOPS. TABLEAUD CHORUS BREATHE A BIT LOUDER, AS SOON AS HES GONE, EXHALE AND SIGH HEAVILY. MURMURS OF FINALLY AND OMG) A CHORUS MEMBER (AS CHORUS LEAVES STAGE) Every freaking morning. BIG BADASS VAMP

CHARACTERS NARRATOR, MARVIN, ABE, EVA, CAROL, BOSS, RANDOM GUY, RANDOM OFFICIAL GUY, OWNER TIME The present, Bright and shining morning PLACE The office is incredibly generic. Everything is labeled. The desks are labeled desk, the files are labeled file. The colour scheme is as neutral as possible. There are charts. There are also graphs. Additionally, there are diagrams. It is all very official. There is a secretary at a desk stage right. She has allure, but her pouty sexy face is clearly becoming matronly. Scene 1-2: Just a Regular Job NARRATOR (walks on stage, some music playing) You know, I initially tried out for the part of Marvin. Yeah, but the director said something about me being a woman. I lost it. They didnt want to get sued so we made a deal. Long story short, this musicals got a narrator now and what a narrator its got. You folks are one lucky bunch. Let me tell you, you are in for quite a show! The story begins with a young and enthusiastic chap who goes by the name of Marvin; hes lived on Broadway St. his whole life and, if you ask him, hes not budging. But little does he know, he WILL be budging soon enough. (pause) Ok, give me a break my lines arent scripted. Ah, there he is now, late as usual (walks off stage) MARVIN Hey ho everyone, I hope youre all hard at work doing your respective tasks. RANDOM GUY You know it Marvin. High five!

(MARVIN AND RANDOM GUY HIGH FIVE) RANDOM OFFICIAL LOOKING GUY I hope youve finished filing phase 1 of our project, Marvin, because in order to process the application for the request for the bid to phase 2, were going to need PowerPoint. MARVIN If by filed you mean locked it away deep in my heart to be brought about in a song later, then absolutely! However, if you mean transported it from one container to its new proper container and taken note of all the relevant organizational facts (dramatic pause in which he has a big smile) it will be ready Tuesday. (RANDOM OFFICIAL LOOKING GUY EXITS IN A CURT BUSINESS-LIKE MANNER) CAROL THE SECRETARY Theres a call for you on line 1. Its a Mr. Henderson requesting the correct form to file a personal statement of request with the office of Personnel Request Statements. Should I put him on hold? MARVIN Oh Carol, You can just forward him to Bill From Accounting, hell know what to do. (Marvin points up and Abe enters) ABE Bill always knows what to do(Everyone swoons a bit) MARVIN Abe! (Marvin gets excited and turns to Abe, doing a ridiculous handshake) How you been buddy?? ABE Oh you know same old same old just the usual. (The Boss enters into the middle of the stage capturing everyones attention.) BOSS Big things guys, Big things! (Boss sticks out his arms as if he were groping an elephant. He smiles and leaves, satisfied with his work.) MARVIN Has he said anything else since he got back from that management retreat? ABE I dont think so, but its strangely motivating. MARVIN Wheres Larry? Everyone knows a day at the office isnt complete without hearing one of Larrys famous jokes. ABE (Barely holding back laughter) Its so true. I remember this one time hahaha and with the pig hahaha it had three legs and a

credit card hahaha then Larry makes this face he makes haha Oh he tells it much better (Trails off with a distant look) (OWNER ENTERS FROM UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. HE LOOKS KIND OF LIKE THE MONOPOLY MAN) OWNER Marvin, mboy, Youre a fine strapping lad. MARVIN Why thank you Mr. MoneyBags, I work out. OWNER I was wondering if youve met my assistant, Eva? I just Saw a Girl I just saw a girl No Ive never met her before But I noticed her, And now Im singing about how I noticed her, So you know shell be back later on. I dont know what she likes, Or what type of girl she is, But when she said my name I knew Im in love With someone I never got to know, Its crazy, But it happens in every show, Cant hurt me, As long as she aint no Criminal, or unoriginal, and she doesnt watch jersey shore And definitely that shes not a whore, Then I can love her some more! Who says love grows strong from a friendship? Or move in before you get married? Tell me have they ever turned on their TV, What kind of love would that be? Most movies dont go past 120 minutes Did you see that smile she gave me? Well maybe it was a little generic But Im sure deep inside, That she felt butterflies, I know because Im singing bout her now

Im in love With someone I never got to know, Its crazy, But it happens in every show, Cant hurt me, As long as she aint no Pedophile, or infertile, then shell still be worthwhile! Im in love With someone that I dont even know, The DSM 3 would state that Im delusional, But who ever said that love was blind, Just couldnt see we were meant to be, On the other side of the stage shes singin bout me! Eva: I saw a man today, As he walked my way, He gave me a really awkward look Then he looked like he was gonna sing about it! I guess Hes in love With someone he never got to know hes crazy! Im pretty sure hes a psycho What if he hurts me? I should probably invest in some pepper spray, So that hell go away! Im in love With someone I never got to know Its crazy Cant hurt me Im guessin hes in lo-o-ove With someone he doesnt even know hes crazy Why does this happen in every show?? Might hurt me Im in love With someone I never got to know Its crazy But it happens in every show Cant hurt me But Its not every day That you feel this way And maybe Ill grow to like him too

Maybe/baby Im in love with you Or maybe Im just a fool But the script said Id be with you. (lights turn off, and reopen later with just Marvin and Abe) MARVIN (Pulls out a cigarette. His voice is mysteriously deeper) Wow, Ive never been in a duet before. ABE Everyone could tell. Dont worry; most peoples first duets are pretty short. MARVIN (Marvin isnt listening) I think Im in love! Abe I just saw the most wonderful girl. Id never met her before, but I noticed her and I was singing about how I noticed herABE Yes, I know, I heard you we all heard you. MARVIN Oh, I know! Ill look her up on LinkedIn. ABE LinkedIn? What the heck is LinkedIn? MARVIN Its a website that allows you to get the most out of your professional network. Find past and present colleagues and classmates quickly. LinkedIn makes staying in touch simple. Discover inside connections when you're looking for a job or new business opportunity. Over 150 Million professionals use LinkedIn to exchange information, ideas, and opportunities. ABE Wow. Where did that come from? MARVIN (Straight faced) Where did what come from? ABE You You just had like a product placement episode or something MARVIN I dont know what youre talking about. ABE (Looking around for cameras) You just sounded like a commercial MARVIN Abe, this isnt TV. This is real life. (EXIT MARVIN. BOSS ENTERS)

BOSS LinkedIn? Big things happening there, big things. (END OF SCENE 2)

CHARACTERS MARVIN, ABE, RANDOM GUY, THE NARRATOR, CAROL, WISE OLD MAN TIME: THE NEXT DAY, BRIGHT AND SHINING MORNING PLACE Outside, the birds are singing the sun is shining; everything is picturesque. Marvin is skipping around. There is a door in the middle of the stage which divides the outside from the office

Scene 1-3: Little Timmy Just Didnt Believe Hard Enough NARRATOR Marvin could barely concentrate for the rest of the day, and when 5 oclock rolled around, he hopped out of the office, ran past the deer grazing in the field, leapt over the river, scaled the mountain that was more of a slight incline, cut through the forest, battled the Tim Hortons line, guzzled his medium double double, choked on his donut, raced home, and immediately signed onto LinkedIn to find his one and only. But alas, she was nowhere to be found, and he instantly regretted not having her last name. It seemed she would forever remain just out of reach, but he was determined to change that. They did work together after all. MARVIN Oh what a glorious morning, oh what a glorious day. Ive got a glorious feeling, everythings going my way. (sings a cappella until he gets to work) (He sighs and opens the door and starts looking around. He sighs at various parts of the stage, but no Eva to be found. He sighs Ah? a little confused and disheartened.) RANDOM GUY Hey Marvin, there is a file waiting for you in the bin labeled Marvin. I think it needs to be completed so we can put it in the cabinet of completion we just bought to fill the budget. I know what youre thinking. After that you and I can make spreadsheets for lunch, right Marv? High Five! (Marvin absent-mindedly does a very complex high five.)

MARVIN Sure, sure, whatever you say. Have you seen Eva? RANDOM GUY No I havent, Ive been too busy copying these documents to be mailed to one of our associates by a deadline. MARVIN Thats nice.(He looks around the office) Carol, have you seen Eva? CAROL No, I havent seen her all day. I dont think shes in Actually, her name isnt on the time sheet anymore, I think she may have left for good. MARVIN What??? (DOOMSDAY MUSIC PLAYS) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (said in a lyrical tune) But where could she be!??! (Everyone is looking at Marvin, Wise Old Man wanders out of precariously placed shadows with a coffee mug in his hand. Everyone in the office looks around whispering things like who is that guy? hes old) WISE OLD MAN (calm, slow, airy, wise) The answer you seek is in the land of plastic and dreams. You can lead a horse to water, but if the glass is half full, you probably wont be able to fit the horses mouth in all the way. He who follows a blind man becomes a blind man too, especially if the first blind man leads the second idiot into a pit of blinding acid. The chorus was invented by the Greek Bourgeois in order to reinforce and perpetuate social values which necessitated slavery. MARVIN Ummm Do you work here? WISE OLD MAN I work wherever there are people with change for change is what we need. MARVIN I see well I really dont have any change; Im kind of busy looking for my lost love. WISE OLD MAN I know where your lost love can be found.

MARVIN You do? WISE OLD MAN Yes (silence) *cough* (shakes mug) MARVIN Oh right (fumbles in pocket and hands him a quarter) WISE OLD MAN The truth is, Eva, has gone to Hollywood (everyone gasps). She had grown tired of the shallow, repetitive nature of musicals and is now off to pursue her dream as a starlet of romantic comedies! MARVIN This is an outrage! What am I going to do? WISE OLD MAN Nothing is had that isnt first pursued. Be prepared for a journey Marvin. Not everything in life is predictable. One door closes and another one opens. Two doors close, and a window out back opens so you sneak in, but lo and behold they have AlarmForce so youre screwed anyway. Really you should have just knocked. Remember that. (Old man leaves) (the rest of the office mumbles things like who was that guy? hes old and leaves, one of them pats Marvin on the back and says Dont worry Marvin, plenty of fish get caught in the 6-pack beer rings or sea- I mean.) (After everyone leaves) MARVIN I feel (music starts) noticeably sad. I feel a sharp pain pulsating in my heart I feel nauseous like my stomach is in knots It feels like my whole world is falling apart and I suddenly have a strong craving for chocolate fudge brownie ice cream! But this wasnt in the script!

This wasnt in the script But this wasnt in the script! (Spoken) It says right here Act 1 scene 3, Eva and Marvin meet up randomly, They notice right away Theres something special When he makes a funny joke

She throws a charming laugh, Then they accidentally touch hands A cues thrown in from the band, Theres cheering from the fans, And thats when cheesy music starts to play We gaze at one another, Abe ruins the encounter, I go home to sing about how I love her And about how I plan to win her heart, Everything goes super swell, I can hear the wedding bells, She tries to leave to Hollywood But wait!- I catch her at the bus station, Its far from this situation, Cant you see thats how things were supposed to work out?? But this wasnt in the script! (spoken) Things werent supposed to turn out this way, Everything just got thrown back in to my face, I dont know what I did to deserve this pain! (Spoken): Eva where are you!? This isnt how things were supposed to turn out!! Oh, this isnt in the script!! Oh God what do I do?! Im no good at improv!!!! Aaaaahh!!!! Oh Eva You were my one true love Ive never sung a song with a girl before, I dont know If Ill ever feel This way again, With someone else, You where my first You were my only, You were my soul, Ill be so lonely, Ill end the show NO! Ill bring you back on my own! Everything will turn out fine Im going to go to Hollywood, Im going to go and win her back,

Ill win her over with my sneak attack! You just wait Ill have you back at Broadway Street And thats a fact! Dont you despair, Marvins on his way there, Love will always conquer Well live happily ever after Like it said so in the script!

CHARACTERS MARVIN, ABE TIME LATER IN THE WORK DAY PLACE AT THE OFFICE (SEE SCENE 2)

Scene 1-4: Lets go to Hollywood! NARRATOR Marvin knew what he had to do, but he knew he couldnt do it alone! He had to find a way to convince Abe to join him on his journey because every hero needs his sidekick! MARVIN (Looking around) Abe, Abe where are you?!! Abe!?!? ABE!?!? (frantic) ABE Marvin, where have you been!? We have a serious back log in files to be processed for the sake of meeting file processing quotas! MARVIN Abe, I have the most fantastic idea! ABE What? MARVIN Its the most fabulous, tremendous ginormously amazing, stupendous, voluptuous, serendipitous idea of them all.

ABE I dont think all those words mean what you think they mean. MARVIN Do you want to hear it? ABE Youre going to sing arent you? MARVIN You bet I am!

Hollywood Marvin: Every day is lame when youre on Broadway Street Same things playing on the radio, People dancing in the corner on their feet That was fun yesterday but its tomorrow! Abe: You dont mean that Marvin you love it here, You dont actually really want to go Say it spray it but just dont contain it This really is about that girl Marvin: No! Its Hollywood! I want to go to Hollywood! I wanna make a scene, Its a dream, Who wouldnt wanna be seen In Hollywood! Its a hell of a town! Marvin (spoken): Common Abe! Dont you want to see the lights? The camera? The action!!! The big sign on the mountains!? Abe: This is ridiculous, youve never mentioned going to Hollywood before, all you ever talk about is how much you love it here! Marvin: What no I Abe: Marvin dont you dare give me your shit Youre some crazy ass about this hoe!

To go off and to just leave Broadway Street For some girl that you dont even know? Marvin (spoken): I guess youre right but theres other good reasons to go! Abe (spoken): Oh yeah, like what? Marvin: Cheep drugs Abe: Cheep drugs? Marvin: One day when I was young I had a bad headache Advil was expensive at the corner store But in Hollywood I hear that drugs are cheep So our headaches can be no more! Abe: Uh I dont think thats what they meant Marvin: Beautiful ladies walk the street And they want to get to know your name They love to say hi and come up to your car And ask you what youre doing later! Abe: Oh boy Hollywood! I want to go to Hollywood I wanna make a scene, Its a dream, Who wouldnt wanna be seen In Hollywood! Its a hell of a town! Its full of pollution, Is this retribution? Its a dangerous travel for us to take! Theres lots of homeless people though I must admit Ive kind of always wanted to see the hard rock caf Oh Ya! Hollywood We want to go to Hollywood! (uh huh!) We wanna make a scene, Its a dream, Who wouldnt wanna be seen In Hollywood!

Oh Hollywood! We wanna go to Hollywood! Its a hell of a town! Its a hell of a town! Its a hell of a town, town, town, town (alternating) Wooooooooah Its a hell of a town.

CHARACTERS NARRATOR, JEALOUS CHORUS GUY, CHORUS TIME IN THE NOW. MAN. PLACE THAT METAPHYSICAL SPACE WHERE CHORUSES AND EXTERNAL CHARACTERS LIVE.

Scene 1-5: The difference between this and a good musical? Were better

NARRATOR So Marvin and Abe set out on their grand journey to pursue true love. The purest kind, where two hearts have only barely just met, still untainted by reality, or the annoying way Eva chews her food, or Marvins hang nail. Before they had the chance to see each other as regular, boring people, just like everybody else. Surely, the only love worth pursuing. (becomes more dreamy, intimate tone) One that few will ever really know. I dont know much of it myself, not that you asked, no one ever really does. I only observe it, talk about it, describe it, oh but to live it! If only! (dramatic cry) JEALOUS CHORUS GUY (To the narrator) You think you have it bad? Ive done King Lear, Oedipus, The Stranger, Kermit. I have more talent in this finger, which is only my third most talented finger, than that unbelievable (whiny) MARRRRVVVVIIIINNN has in his whole body. What kind of a lead is called Marvin any way? A lead should sound like a lead. Take my name for example, (starts a breath)NARRATOR Weve heard this before Jealous Chorus Guy, but Im sorry, youre just not that good. Shakespeare doesnt count if you did it with The Langstaff Grandmothers association.

JEALOUS CHORUS GUY At least old people appreciate art. Instead of the heathenous youth, who only go to musicals because its statistically easier to get lucky afterwards. NARRATOR Its reasons like this we dont invite you to the cast parties. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY The masses do not understand. High School Musical made a million, a MILLION! While my one man Magnum Opus which pushed the boundaries of what it means to exist much less dance whilst playing basketball, regardless of what ones father thinks, only made $28.32. NARRATOR Whats your point exactly? JEALOUS CHORUS GUY My point is that I was the obvious choice for the lead (music starts here) dont you understand?

I should be the Lead Jealous Chorus Guy: I should be the lead I should be the lead With years of experience Dancing and vocal lessons I should be the lead I should be the lead How did I end up in the chorus? Watch me hit that note, AH Watch me hit that note, AH Watch me make a face thats unreasonably happy Watch me hit that note while I make that face, AH AH Watch me hit that note while I dance AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AHHHH

I should be the lead I should be the lead Ive played in big theatres People recognize my face

I should be the lead I should be the lead How did I end up in the chorus? Watch me hit that note, AH Watch me hit that note, AH Watch me jump around with unreasonable enthusiasm Watch me hit that note while I jump around, AH AH Watch me hit that note while I jet! Chorus: AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH AH AH AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH AH AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH AH AH How did he end up in the chorus? Jealous Chorus Guy: I should be the lead I should be the lead How did I end up in the chorus? I should be the lead I should be the lead Watch me dance to express my sadness Everyone: AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH AH AH AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH AH AH AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH AH AH AH Jealous Chorus Guy: How did I end up in the chorus Chorus: How did he end up in the chorus Jealous Chorus Guy: This isnt the last youve seen of me, Did you hear how I hit that last harmony? Ill get my own show, my own symphony, Ill be back and it wont be pretty! Ill be back, just you wait and see!!

Characters MARVIN, ABE, WENDY, NARRATOR, CHORUS TIME A FEW DAYS AFTER THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY. AFTERNOON PLACE A wide open space with a red carpet down the middle. Sounds of birds and other natural things encircle them. Our two heroes have backpacks filled with rich opportunities for prop comedy, which I cannot detail for you because Im already overworked and underpaid and I should have joined the writers union when I had the chance.

Scene 1-6: The gang takes a trip NARRATOR That was a little over the top. Anyway, back to the REAL story. Marvin and Abe found themselves looking for the magical and mystical Red Carpet, the one and only path to Hollywood. Some speculate that the carpet has always been here and that it is in fact the hairy back of an ancient worm. Others say that the carpet was put in place by the original settlers to channel Satan towards one part of the country where true art goes straight to DVD and Sylvester Stallone is still allowed to make movies. Most agree its a waste of tax payers money to get it vacuumed every second week. Most importantly though, it is said by people who say these sort of things, that only those destined for greatness or true love are capable of walking the Red Carpet without a wardrobe malfunction. This is the true test of character for those who seek fame, fortune, and the truest of true love. (wanders off) (Background forest-y noises) MARVIN Where do you think those bird noises are coming from, I cant even see any trees? ABE Thats the sort of thing youre just not supposed to question, Marvin. What do you care anyway? I thought we were looking for the chartreuse rug or something. MARVIN Yes, were looking for the red carpet; its the one and only way to get to Hollywood. ABE I hope we find it by the time I finish this senten-

MARVIN There it is! ABE Wow, I just thought you were kidding; there actually is a red carpet out in the middle of nowhere. MARVIN And all we needed to do was believe! ABE Sure, whatever you say Marvin. MARVIN Do you think we should take our shoes off? ABE Im trying to construct some kind of a foot fungus joke dealing with how this trip grows on you, but Ive got nothing. Basically, no, I think we should keep our shoes on. MARVIN Fine, be that way. I guess were off to see the lights, the luminous lights of Hollywood! (They see WENDY not far in the distance, she looks like she is trying to hitchhike even though there are clearly no cars) MARVIN (loud whisper) Abe, theres a female there she looks like shes waving at us do we know her? What if shes crazy?!?! ABE I think shes just trying to hitch a ride with someone, just ignore her. MARVIN (loud whisper) I dont know she looks pretty threatening. She might want to do us harm. ABE You really need to develop some backbone if youre going to be a leading man. (a voice is heard from offstage) JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Thank you!

MARVIN (loud whisper) Sorry! Im just not used to this whole go with the flow thing Lets just run past her and hope she doesnt notice. Execute maneuver alpha alpha Betty Crocker. ABE I didnt bring the blender. WENDY You know, I can hear everything you two are saying. Also I can see you. MARVIN (still a loud whisper) Shes onto us. ABE Dont mind him. Hes never been off Broadway Street. WENDY Oh, are you two actors? Is that why youre going to Hollywood? MARVIN Something like that The names Marvin, and this is my partner in crime (does some sort of kung fu action in Abes direction), Abe. Why are you on the red carpet, huh!? WENDY The names Wendy, and if you must know, Im going to Hollywood to become a star. Marvin Is that even possible with your you know condition? (looks up and down at her breasts) WENDY You mean my small breasts? MARVIN They were so unnoticeable I was taken a back. WENDY Well, Im not an idiot, Im going to get those fixed first. Im investing all my life savings in a surgery. Its an investment you see. The average breast augmentation surgery cost is $7,500, whereas women with larger breasts especially in the service industry, make anywhere from 5% to 15% more not taking into account the greater likelihood of obtaining a job as a fiscal benefit. Given that the median female income in the U.S. in 2011

was $36,278, that is an annual increase of roughly $3,630. So you see, in three years time the surgery more than pays for itself. MARVIN They really are quite small. ABE Dont you think by getting bigger breasts for this reason you are contributing to a cycle of individualistic, patriarchal oppression, which keeps women divided and in competition for the pleasure of men? WENDY Yeah (music starts) but when it comes down to it

If I only had a/The Producer Wendy: If I only had big breasts, I could be a waitress, That later gets discovered as a star If I only had big breasts, Id overtake the rest, I could hang out in a rich old mans hot tub If I only had big breasts, I could be a waitress, That later gets discovered as a star If I only had big breasts, Id overtake the rest, I could hang out in a rich old mans hot tub If I had a big rack Id do better in the sack, Id do better in my work and Id look better in a shirt, If I had some big tatas I wouldnt need wizard of Oz To give me something that I dont already have If you had milkshakes like these, You would refund your money, They really dont offer much shake at all If I had big baloobas, I would actually wear a bra, I could shop at the new hip lingerie store If I had big balloons, I would be no big buffoon, People would pay to see me swoon and my tits would reach the moon! If my cantaloupes were plump they would go ba-donk-a-donk All the hooters would go beg me then to sing and dance on stage with them!

If, I, Only had big breasts! Big juicy baguettes! Play ball on my chest, It would be the best! Oh how Id love to be, a big star on TV, Tell me Marvin, tell me Abe, is there something you also crave? Marvin: If I only had Eva, My dreams would be fulfilled, All I wants to find my love, Now that would be a thrill! Fate had brought me here today, And now Im on my way to Hollywood, Im in the mood, to find myself astray Abe: Ive always had a secret ambition, Ive never told anyone Although I am from Broadway street My hearts in Opera! I want to be the man with the horns I want a glass to shake with every note To say things like forsaken In latin and in German If I only had Opera to make me feel OK Id never need another genre on my I pod to play Wendy: If I only had big melons, All the other girls be jealous! Boys would buy me jewelry, As they got down on one knee Oh hollywood youre all I know that would be the place for me! If I only had milkmakers, shakers, High beams, fun beans, some real earthquakers If, I, only had big Alternating between Wendy, Abe and Marvin: Funbags, boobs, wopbopaloops, Yahoos, Yazoos, some babaloos, 2 tata, 2 bazooka, Marvin: My eva, Abe: and Opera

Together: If we only had a... The Producer Marvin, Abe and Wendy: A Producer, that could make true all our dreams, A producer, that could give us anything Wendy: The producer has the final say, Abe: On who should go Marvin: And who should stay Together: The producer can make it all ok So now we must be on our way! Everyone (with Chorus): The producer, that could make true all our dreams, The producer, that could give us anything The producer has the final say, On who should go, And who should stay, The producer can make it all ok So now we must be on our way! Everyone (with Chorus): The producer, that could make true all our dreams, The producer, that could give us anything The producer has the final say, On who should go, And who should stay, The producer can make it all ok So now we must be on our way! Marvin, Abe and Wendy: So we must be on our way!

(dance off stage)

CHARACTERS MARVIN, ABE, WENDY, JEALOUS CHORUS GUY TIME LATER THE SAME DAY. PLACE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE FOLLOWING THE RED CARPET.

Scene 1-7: Seinfeld (Jealous chorus guy on stage. He is supposed to be ahead of them) JEALOUS CHORUS GUY THEME MUSIC PLAYS JEALOUS CHORUS GUY (mumbling) Freakin patriarchy with the capitalist overlords fish sandwiches and butternut squash Ill show you forgetting a mothers day present If everyone sees how terrible Marvin will inevitably be at handling obstacles, it will become obvious that I was the better choice to play the lead! Hehehe. (tries to lift red carpet) Well this is surprisingly heavy. (Shouts while lifting) I have the power! (gives up and wanders around for a bit) Hmmm, well if I cant change the only path, Ill just have to add a second one. (goes off stage, gets a carpet, comes back onstage) Those fools will never notice that this one is a chestnut maroon whereas the original carpet is a West-German Firebrick! Hahahahahahah!!! (maniacal laugh) (struggles to place it right) If only I could just garghhh tgoadgsdfgh (takes out earphones from picket, puts them on) you are strong. You are master of your world. You are like the waves. Shhhhhhhhhhhh wssssshhhhhhhhhh. (begins to place new carpet down again. It doesnt work) GRAWWRRR I HATE EVERYTHING. (the carpet falls flat). Good, fine. Stay that way. NARRATOR (pops in) You know youre crazy right? JEALOUS CHORUS GUY I am a man of passion. That is why they call meNARRATOR Jealous Chorus Guy? JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Uggghh Cretins! I cannot work under these conditions.

(storms off stage) (The gang approaches) NARRATOR Well this will be interesting. (leaves) (Marvin, Abe and Wendy walk in) MARVIN So then he says I know it looks like soup, but not the kind you expect from a dominatrix. And then the horse galloped off. Hahahaha EVERYONE Hahahahaha WENDY Wow! This Larry guy sounds hilarious!! Oh look, a fork in the road. Is there supposed to be a fork? ABE (picks up fork) Someone will have trouble eating their lunch. Oh well. Hey look theres a part in the road. MARVIN (picks up a toupe) Do you think theres an unfashionable bald man somewhere struggling to eat lunch? WENDY I dont know, but weve got bigger problems boys, look. (points to the second carpet) Which is the right direction? MARVIN Its the one on the left, its the reddest. ABE Maybe thats where our bald hungry man went. He had the right idea, bringing a lunch. WENDY Its clearly not the reddest. That is at best a dusty rose fonce. The carpet on the right is more of a scarlet crumpet. MARVIN Youre insane! Look, the one on the left, its the kind of red you see on a fire truck. Theres nothing more red than a fire truck.

WENDY You know nothing about firetrucks. That colour may--and I say may--be a sort of late 70s South Eastern model 733x, but that was during the pseudo-European, post-industrialist phase in fire truck design, it simply does not count. MARVIN You just made that up. WENDY Look it up. ABE (to no one in particular) I mean who sets out on an adventure without any food. MARVIN You saying I dont know my firetrucks now? WENDY I didnt say that but youre making that pretty obvious. MARVIN I said its firetruck red, you just said yourself its firetruck red, so its firetruck red then. What could be more red, tell me. WENDY I didnt say modern day firetruck red, just look at it. No firetruck looks like this anymore. MARVIN How many firetrucks do you see around here, huh? ABE A bagel, some gefilte fish, something. WENDY Listen my dad was a fireman, and my mother was married to a fireman, I think I know a thing or two about firetrucks. MARVIN If you knew then youd know were going left. WENDY No, right, right is the right way, its always the right way. Ive lived my entire life turning right, and its always been right. If its right, then its right, so we go right.

MARVIN Well Im left handed and I say left is right. WENDY How can left be right? What next, up is down, black is white? What world are you living in? ABE Bring a lunch, mother said, youll be hungry, mother said. Should have listened. MARVIN Abe, help us out here, will yuh? What do you think? ABE I think our bald little friend is the wisest of us all. We should retrace his steps. From the fork to the wig, draw a line between the two and it points in this direction. To the left it is. MARVIN Ha! You see? What did I tell ya! WENDY Oh I SEE, I can CLEARLY SEE how it is. Because I am a woman and I cant drive. Well let me tell you something, this is our time. I have a uterus, I am the secret ingredient to LIFE, HUMANITY COULD NOT FLOURISH WITHOUT OUR KINDABE OK! Stop your feminine squabble!!! We get it. Well go right. What would a fat bald guy know anyway. (Wendy turns to Marvin and sticks her tongue out at him and they go right, Marvin looks displeased but follows anyway)

Characters MARVIN, ABE, WENDY, NARRATOR, TRACY, ROIE, FRANK, CHORUS TIME GETTING LATER INTO THE EVENING. PLACE Dark, barren, litter us strewn about. The sounds get more pronounced and more like a city. The stage is divided in half again between the carpet and the city. Scene 1-8: I dont think Were in Kansas Anymore BACKGROUND DARK JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS MARVIN Do you hear that music? It sounds like were getting closer to a city! ABE Yeah, that is what it sounds like! Maybe we actually did it.

WENDY Here I come massive breasts! MARVIN Isnt all this trash beautiful? There must be people nearby who feel very entitled! ABE Sounds like Hollywood to me. WENDY Ok, guys we need to be emotionally prepared for this or else theyll eat us alive. Would either of you like some make-up for self-confidence? (takes out make-up kit) MARVIN I do think I need to reapply my base. Yeah, Ill take some of that (reapplies base). (They cross over onto the other side of the stage.) ABE What the heck? This is Hollywood? WENDY This is nothing like on Wikipedia!

MARVIN That doesnt surprise me, unless you want to tell me that Pluto really isnt a planet, pffft. I think Wikipedia is not to be trusted. ABE Do you think something happened? You know, like a natural disaster, or poor people finally getting fed up? Has anyone seen anything on the news?

MARVIN The news? Hahaha Oh Abe, who needs to be depressed when they can lose themselves in song? ABE Its kind of important. MARVIN (in a surprisingly serious voice) Our forefathers didnt die so that wed be obligated to know whats going on. (back to normal) hahaha theres enough sadness in the world. WENDY (self-righteously) Well I do watch the news on a regular basis and I can tell you that Brangelina were having some serious relationship troubles at a restaurant last night, but nothing that would cause this. ABE Well then, we should probably figure out what happened. We should go ask that sassy-looking woman thats been following us around. Excuse me Miss, can you tell us what happened here? NARRATOR You can see me? ABE Ummm yes? NARRATOR (to herself) Damn these low-budget gigs. (to the gang) Well, youll just have to ignore me and pretend you cant hear what Im saying. I have a job to do and I dont want you interfering. ABE Please, just tell us what happened to Hollywood?

NARRATOR Sigh fine. (turns towards the audience) The group of somewhat ill-informed and unworldly travellers found themselves in what they naively thought was a post-apocalyptic Hollywood. Little did they know that they had in fact wandered into that most horrible of places, the straight to DVD of tourist destinations, the discount bin of the discount bin: The Boudoir. This is not the kind of place youll understand if you think the word ugly has to do with looks. If you cringe because someone calls you weird, you might learn a thing or two. There are very few rules, and though the gates are always open, if youre closed, theres no getting in. Our travellers are a long way from home and even further from their destination though maybe not from their goal. (She exits) HUMMING ABE Whats that sound? WENDY I think its coming from that group over there. (The chorus, dressed in sexy rags, hums something sorrowful and strange) MARVIN What a bunch of weirdos. (the chorus comes closer, though still remaining at a distance, the gang becomes visibly uncomfortable) CHORUS Theres nothing here you want. MARVIN Thats pretty obvious. CHORUS But theres something here you need. MARVIN I doubt it. CHORUS Roses have thorns, and the slightest wounds get infected. If you cant stare into infection theres no chance for a cure. (moves away and keeps humming sorrowfully) MARVIN What are they going on about?

ABE Im not sure. ONE OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE CHORUS Follow me or youll be late (they follow and they enter a mystical strange bar full of mystical strange people. I always imagine contortionists)

The Boudoir Boudoir Girl 1: Let the show begin, Make yourselves at home Cause a place like this, Can get uncomfortable Down here, the audience is part of the show Open your minds, You aint seen nothing at all You may be surprised, By the rest of the world Its about time, We showed you how we roll Welcome to the boudoir The boudoir From Broadway street youve travelled pretty far To get to the boudoir The boudoir You aint seen nothing like this from where you are Down at the boudoir The boudoir Things arent what they seem and plain is bizarre Down at the boudoir The boudoir I hope you brought an energy bar Spines down Let your palms hit floor Boudoir Girl 2: Legs up Boudoir Girl 1: Make them beg for more Relax and let yourself delve in galore

Join in! Boudoir Girl 2: Common what you waiting for? Boudoir Girl 1: Were sex anticipation, Indulge in the sensation, This isnt your typical Broadway show Welcome to the boudoir The boudoir From Broadway Street youve travelled pretty far To get to the boudoir The boudoir You aint seen nothing like this from where you are Down at the boudoir The boudoir Things tend to get a little Avant Garde Down at the boudoir The boudoir Welcome Ladies, gentlemen, and other. We now present to you the first act of our show Our very own Marilyn Monroe!! Welcome to the boudoir The boudoir If you think youre scared now just wait til were done Cause down at the boudoir The boudoir Being bad is good and pain is fun Down at the boudoir The boudoir Your exotic adventure has just begun Down at the boudoir The boudoir Would you like two scoops of sugar or one? Welcome to the boudoir The boudoir From Broadway Street youve travelled pretty far To get to the boudoir The boudoir You aint seen nothing like this from where you are Down at the boudoir The boudoir Orgasmic is static and sex is an art

Down at the boudoir Chorus: The boudoir Down at the boudoir Chorus: The boudoir Thank you for coming, We love entertaining, We hope youll be staying Down at the Boudoir

(Marvin and Abe look at each other) Where the hell are we!?

---INTERMISSION---

Sell T-shirts and novelty mugs

ACT II Characters MIDDLE AGED SCHLOB, NARRATOR, CHORUS Dancers and chorus are broken up so that there is a group of tap dancers and a group of show girls and then whatever else your creative mind wants to come up with TIME INTERMISSION. PLACE IN THE THEATRE. Scene 2-0: Broadway, Anyone Can do it! (^ That title is supposed to be ironic, not anyone can do it. Its freaking hard. Were all very tired.)

(NARRATOR is just standing there at the side of the stage) AUDIENCE GUY Hey! Hey you!!! Narrator lady! NARRATOR (confused, looks around a bit) Are you talking to me?? AUDIENCE GUY Yeah Im talking to you! How come this musical isnt about real life? NARRATOR What do you mean? Of course its about real life. AUDIENCE GUY When I sing at work my boss tells me to shut up. Real life is nothing like Broadway. NARRATOR Real life is Broadway, you just need to know how to live it. (AUDIENCE GUY walks up the stage) AUDIENCE GUY I dont believe you.

NARRATOR Its not that difficult. First you have to talk really slowly, thats when the music starts to play! (music doesnt start) Hmmm, thats strange. Did you order a band? AUDIENCE GUY No NARRATOR Well come on, this music doesnt just come out of the sky! You have to order a band! Its easy, just go online and click musical Broadway band yeah just go with paypal its more secure. Ok, now, where were we? Right! First you have to talk really slowly, thats when the music starts to play (music plays) WAIT! Did you hire professional dancers!? And send them videos to practice!? AUDIENCE GUY No, I mean I didntNARRATOR Well, no wonder youve never lived a Broadway life! You have no idea what youre doing! Let me show you how its done- cue the music! Cue the dancers! Cue the lights! Lets do this!

Living Broadway Narrator: First you gotta sing a note, Then you gotta dance, Then you gotta sing about all your other plans Give away a little plot, But dont give up too much, The audience just wants a taste not a buffet lunch Dont worry if you get a little outrageous, Cause a good Broadway song is contagious! Living Broadway Living Broadway Living Broadway one can be Living Broadway Living Broadway Living Broadway cant you see Its easy! Now you try!

Guy from the Audience: Ive sung alone up in my room but it was never quite like this, The music playing, its amazing, I wouldnt change a thing! Im starting to get the hang of it, Im starting to get my groove, Who would of thought a guy like me, Would know just how to move! Narrator: Now hit a HIGH note HERE and THERE To pump up the energy, The crowd goes wild, Its never mild, When you sing a Broadway beat! Living Broadway Living Broadway Living Broadway (just narrator: one can be) Living Broadway Living Broadway Living Broadway (just narrator: cant you see Its easy!!) Narrator: Now follow me! Narrator: Cue in the show girls! Female Chorus: Living Broadway, Living Broadway, Living Broadway one can be, Living Broadway, Living Broadway, Living Broadway cant you see, Change that key! Narrator: When the world seems grey Chorus: Sing about it! When the world looks gold Chorus: Sing about it! When youre getting mad Chorus: Sing about it! Even when youre sad Chorus: Sing about it! When youre feeling scared Chorus: Sing about it! When you feel prepared

Chorus: Sing about it! Narrator: Cause of you coulda, you woulda, You really oughta shoulda SING!!! Everyone: Living Broadway, Living Broadway, Living Broadway one can be, Living Broadway, Living Broadway, Living Broadway cant you see, Living Broadway, Living Broadway, Living Broadway one can be, Living Broadway, Living Broadway, Living Broadway cant you see, Its easy!

Characters MARVIN, WENDY, ABE, BOUDOIR GIRLS TIME ITS GETTING LATE. PLACE In a bar, after the Boudoir performance. The lights are dim and there is a sort a hum of seedy customers going about their business. You know, like at Hooters. Tracy, Roxy, and Frank are working the bar. Marvin, Wendy, and Abe are at the entrance.

Scene 2-1: A Serious Conversation MARVIN What is this place? WENDY I dont know Lets ask that lady at the bar for help. MARVIN Are you crazy?! We dont know anything about these people, they could be murderous or druglords or high school dropouts for all we know!

WENDY How will we know if we dont ask? (walks towards the bar) Excuse me! (TRACY and ROXY look) Hi there, that was quite a performance earlier, thanks for that. TRACY Thank you honey, not often we get strangers in town. WENDY Oh, were just passing through. Im Wendy, and these are my friends Abe (Abe waves), and Marvin (Marvin hesitantly walks forward; Frank starts to pay attention). MARVIN (awkwardly) Hi there. How do you do? TRACY (picks up on Marvins awkwardness, but pretends not to notice) Im Tracy. ROXIE Roxie. FRANK And Im Frank. WENDY Youre all very talented! How come you guys arent on Broadway? TRACY Broadway isnt for everyone. FRANK There are other things out there. Thats why I came here in the first place. WENDY It seems like it would be hard to make a living down here. ROXIE People get by. It doesnt have the glamour of Paris, but the work is good and the people here all understand each other. TRACY So what are you folks doing here anyway?

WENDY Were on our way to Hollywood (Marvin uncomfortable that Wendy is divulging this information). Actually, we dont quite know how we ended up here. FRANK (staring into the distance, half to himself) It seems like people only ever end up here by accident TRACY Well, I dont personally know the way to Hollywood, but theres a director who wandered here from there some years back. You could go ask him how to get there. WENDY That would be great! TRACY I should warn you though, hes more than just a bit drunk most of the time and he lives on the bad side of an already pretty bad town (this makes Marvin more nervous). MARVIN (to Wendy) I guess we should get going then? ROXIE (visibly sad) so soon? WENDY Youre kind of young arent you- to be in a place like this? ROXIE (a bit defensive) Im old enough. TRACY Most of the girls here start young. Its the way of this place, it draws you in and settles in you. ABE How did you end up here? TRACY Its kind of a long, sappy story. There was this boy, you see, back in high school. He was the best actor in the whole county. We shared one dance, and before you knew it, we were in love. He got offered a gig somewhere as a leading man. It wasnt too glamorous, but it was a start. I loved him, so I dropped out of school and came with him. It was good at first, but I had to work a lot of odd jobs as he went to rehearsals. We barely got by, but

its harder to notice how hungry and unhappy you are when youre in love. Then he got more gigs, and soon he was spending more time at the after parties than at the actual production. With the partying came the drinking, and the drugs, and then, the other women. I tried to remind myself of why I stuck it out for so long, but the magic I felt when we shared that first dance faded every day. I had no one else, no education, nothing. Finally a girl I used to wait tables with saw me dance once and said they could really use someone like me over here. Dancing is just about my only skill, and I knew I had to get out, so I said what the heck. MARVIN (less uncomfortable) Wow. Thats quite a story. WENDY Have you ever regretted your decision to come here? TRACY Sure, anyone whos happy all the time is just lying. But even when I doubt what I did, I know it was better than the alternative. MARVIN But you loved him, and surely he loved you, surely things would have worked out eventually? TRACY (proud) Yeah, maybe. But I wasnt gonna wait around for fate to make up its damn mind. I took a chance leaving with him and I took a chance leaving him. Its made me who I am today and thats alright by me. And as for love, I dont know if thats what it ever was. I havent given up that Ill find it again, but that is something that Im willing to wait for. FRANK You should get going. Its getting really late. MARVIN Yeah, I guess youre right. (deep in thought) WENDY It was really nice meeting you. Well come back some time. ROXIE Sure if you make it back alive (Marvin, Abe, and Wendy exit)

Characters VAMPIRES AND ZOMBIES, NARRATOR, MARVIN, WENDY, ABE, DIRECTOR TIME ITS GETTING DARK OUT, TOO DARK TO SEE PLACE In da street yo. Everything is Ghettotastic and there are the constant screams of horrible things happening to cats along with many cars inexplicably turning corners very sharply. Actually its really quiet, but you hear that faintly in the background. There is still garbage strewn about and it gets worse as they walk. A cold wind is blowing and everything seems just a little off.

Scene 2-2: Romeo and Juliet 2: Unwed and Undead Vampires vs. Zombies Vampire Brother: Get out of our territory, We know what this is about Get out of our land, We are the rulers of the abyss Zombie Rival: Get out of my face, Youre a disgrace to your own race, This land isnt yours, And we will take it back You may have won some battles, But now we shall win the war, Did you think you could get out of this, Without your bloodshed on the floor Zombies: Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down-down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down-down Vampires: Dont you dare try to threaten us Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down Vampires: We are the rulers of the abyss Vampire brother: Let us see who wins Who has the last laugh? Vampires: Ha Ha Ha Let us see who takes the prize This time

Vampires: Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down-down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down-down Zombies: Dont you dare try to threaten us Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah you are falling down Zombies: We are the rulers of the abyss Vampire Girl: I see the blood shed around me, I see what this place has become, Why cant we learn to live with one another? Cant you see we are all the same kind of species? All deserving of a home Why cant you see, what I see? Feel what I can feel with them, Why cant you taste common plates? The palate has no preference Why cant we all get along? Love is strong and has precedence Who are you to judge one for judging you? Where did my love turn this strong? Zombie Guy: I would do anything for you Vampire Girl: Just stop this war Zombie Guy: Let me be with you Vampire Girl: Aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahah-aaaaaaaaah Aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahah-aaaaaaaaah Everyone: Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah we are falling down-down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah we are falling down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah we are falling down-down Vampire girl: Aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahah-aaaaaaaaah Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah we are falling down Vampire girl: Aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahahah-aaaaaah-ahahah-aaaaaaaaah Zombie guy: Take a moment to see what you have done, I am only as strong as my hatred has become, Take a moment to think,

What cant be undone, And maybe you will understand where I am coming from Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah I am falling down-down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah I am falling down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah we are falling down-down Ahah Ahah Ahah Ahah we are falling down Everyone: We are falling down We are falling down We are falling do-o-o-o-own

(Lights out and lights in) (Vampires and Zombies are hanging around, somewhat morning, they hear that people are approaching (ABE, WENDY and MARVIN are approaching) and run off the stage)

ABE Are you sure that this guy is the only one who can help us? MARVIN Thats what those nice dancer ladies said. Besides, even if it is creepy and dirty, and threatening, and scary down here, we need to press on for Eva! ABE We could also not press on for Eva and somehow I dont think shed mind. MARVIN (Smiling) Youre jealous arent you? ABE What are you talking about? MARVIN Because Evas crazy about me and youve been single all your life except that time you took your cousin to your uncles wedding. ABE Darwins theories have many holes Ill have you know. MARVIN One way or the other, the show must go on! BACKGROUND ZOMBIE NOISES

WENDY Guys, do you hear that? MARVIN You mean that wretched cat? WENDY No, its a kind of moaning. If I didnt know better, Id say it was (Zombies emerge stage right) BATTLE MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY (gets progressively louder) EVERYONE ZOMBIES!??! WENDY What the hell? Where did freakin zombies come from? ABE Yeah, this cant be right, I dont believe in zombies! MARVIN I guess well just have to take it on faith that it makes sense. WENDY Thats your answer? Really? MARVIN Our alternative is to try and get a refund but I think its too late. WENDY What are you even talking about anymore? Fine, I accept that there are zombies there and that that makes some kind of sense. ABE Ok, now that weve gotten past the epistemological issues inherent in the presence of zombies, lets get the hell out of here! (they all turn to run vampires emerge) WENDY Youve got to be kidding me. MARVIN At least theyre not dancing.

(they start to dance) wow. Who do you think writes this garbage? (They run to the side with the vampires, but the gang wont let them pass. They run to the side with the zombies, but they wont let them pass either. They run back to the middle.) ABE What the heck do we do now? WENDY Ive got a plan. (they go into a huddle. The two sides approach.) VAMPIRES Youll pay for what youve done. ZOMBIES You should have never come here in the first place. Youre to blame. ABE Wow, look over there, its a pack of werewolves who also want this land! (both groups look. Marvin and Abe manage to sneak past the zombies, but just as Wendy is about to slip away, a zombie notices and pulls her back in) WENDY Marvin! MARVIN Wendy! (Marvin fights his way back into the zombies, and wrestles Wendy away from them, but they end up back in the middle of the two gangs, holding onto each other tightly.) WENDY Were doomed!! MARVIN (Nervously) ugghh I wouldnt worry. Dont you know, things always turn out alright in musicals. WENDY What about West Side s MARVIN Ive got it! Well use a plot hole.

WENDY A plothole? How do you use a pl(lights off. Pause for MASSIVE amounts of laughter.) (spotlight on narrator holding a cigarette in a cigarette holder thingy. She looks very suave. Curtains are closed behind her so the scene change can go on.) SASSY MUSIC PLAYS NARRATOR You know I wasnt always this refined and attractive. Actually thats not true, from a young age I was beautiful (with hips like these theres no point in modesty), but it took a while to get what they call class. You see, I grew up in the shadier part of New Orleans. I had the blues for lullabies and the bible for a textbook. The songs were real and I sung them well, but they didnt let a young lady shine. You just couldnt be a star. So I ran away. Not a day goes by I dont regret not saying good bye, but my young heart wasnt large enough for the weight of those words and my soul needed that sorrow if it was ever going to grow. That night I left, I promised myself I would return as the shining star my poor momma needed. Bless her soul, she had dreams and she traded them all for the food I ate and the clothes I wore. I ended up in New York because if you can make it there. I paid my dues. Time after time. Ive done my sentence, but committed no crime and bad mistakes, Ive made a few. Anyway, you get the idea. My first real job was as an actress in a small university production of Chicago. It was a small theatre, but it sold out every night and it was there I knew for sure, my dream was waiting for me, if only I pushed hard enough. With the economy the way it is, there arent enough productions for everyone to play a leading lady so I settled for gorgeous narrator who carries the show. Even with hips like these you cant always get what you want. (lighting moves behind her to reveal a seedy bar scene (she exits quietly when the light is not on her) then the rest of the lights can go on. There are assorted shady looking customers and the main characters at the bar in the centre of the stage. The lights are brightly dim. The director is sitting at the bar drinking) ABE And then he said to him, officer, please, I abhor cocaine, my wife just has really bad dandruff. Hahahahaha WENDY Wow, that Larry sure is something. (dreamy look)

MARVIN Didnt happen (slightly Jealous) WENDY Hey wait a second, Marvin, the plothole worked! Youre a genius! MARVIN Oh, right, yeah, you know, I work out. Anyway, we should probably go talk to the director before he leaves the bar. ABE By the looks of it, that should give us about until hes dead. (points to the director) (The table Dhamalan is sitting at is darkly lit. There are bugs around and in the background scurrying can be heard.) DHAMALAN (to no one) So he says to me youre M. Right Dhamalan, you cant think of anything better than a blind girl falling in a hole? and I told him not for what theyre paying me. Pfffffhiccup. MARVIN Excuse me Mr. Director Guy, my friends and I are trying to get to Hollywood and weve been told you know the way. DHAMALAN (slurred and angry) Who told you that? I dont know nothing about nothing. I do one thing ok? Twist endings, thats it. (starts to sob) I dont know why people have to be so mean. ABE Well we just opened a can of worms. DHAMALAN Not just any can of worms, these worms are feeding on a mutated human hand and the can is from your fathers factory and you just lost your dog that morning and your father said he ran awayand the hand is actually made from stem cells extracted from your dog. But really it was all just a bad dream!

ABE Oh jeez. DHAMALAN Yes, yes and the dream was induced by the coma induced by the accident induced by the church that funded the whole thing. Dont you see? It fits, It all fits! (maniacal laughter)

MARVIN Well this has become strange and uncomfortable. DHAMALAN (seemingly sobering up) Hey, do you guys have any change? Im going to need some funds for this great idea for a movie I had recently. MARVIN If we give you change, will you tell us how to get to Hollywood? DHAMALAN Sure. MARVIN Ok here (gives him change). DHAMALAN Go talk to the narrator. MARVIN Where is sh (Dhamalan passes out) Ok then ugh. Well shes probably just on the side of the stage, you guys stay here. Its late and Im sure were all tired. Theres no reason all of us have to go see the narrator. ABE Ok, sounds good to me. (Marvin walks out the door and Wendy hesitates and then follows him, without him noticing, until they are alone. Lights dim on the rest of the stage.) WENDY Wait, Marvin(he turns)I want to thank you for throwing yourself in that horde of zombies to get me. MARVIN (blushing) Oh, thats ok. Its what anyone would have done. WENDY I dont know if just anyone leaps into a horde of raving zombies to save someone who is practically a stranger. MARVIN Well anyone who cares would.

WENDY That would take a lot of caring, I think. Plus, to care that much for someone you barely know is quite strange. MARVIN I know enough. I know you have dreams and the courage to follow them. I know you care enough about people youve never met before to listen to their life stories without judgement or reproach. Besides, you have a wonderful smile. It would have been a shame to lose that to a mob of crazed undead. WENDY (smiles) Yes, I think so too. Anyway, thanks. (she kisses him on the cheek) (Marvin walks off holding his cheek and smiling for just a few seconds.)

Found Love Wendy: A spark is sparking, My heart is beating, Ive got a feeling that Ive never felt before A wish is granting, My palms are sweating, Its like forgetting all my troubles in the world Although I didnt see it right away, I know its here to stay, A love for someone I actually got to know The dream of Hollywood is gone, I know I just really need someone, Who sees me as I am although Im flat chested like a man Who needs implants When youve got love Who needs money When youve got heart Who needs to be a movie star, When youre loved for who you are, Tell me would you trade all your possessions, If you knew love would take you far? Who needs shelter When theres arms to hold Who needs lighting When youve got a glow Who needs food for the nutrition,

When youre living off a high Who needs a medical prescription, When a kiss can make you fly? Well Ive found love Gospel Choir: Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh Oh oh ooooh Oh oh oh OOOOOOH Wendy: Ive found love Choir: Shes found love Heyaaayayay Choir: Found Love Heyayayay

Gospel Choir: When the world is bringing you down, Let your love turn it around! Wendy: Cause who needs a future When the time is now Who needs to race Against the speed of the sound Who needs faith to make it through? Everyone: You know that Ill be set forever, If I left, my lovin with you! Gospel Choir: Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh Ohhhhhh

Characters MARVIN, ABE, WENDY, JEALOUS CHORUS GUY, MARRATOR, CHORUS TIME IN THE EARLY MORNING. PLACE The stage is divided into three. Stage left, we see Wendy contemplating something. In the middle, we see the chorus and jealous chorus guy, stage right, we see the narrator and Marvin. It is implied that there is some distance between these three such that they do not hear one another.

Scene 2-3: That scene I Hate Watching in Every Romantic Comedy

(beginning with a light on Marvin and the Narrator) NARRATOR Hey what are you doing here? I told you to pretend you couldnt see me! MARVIN Well Ive been told you know the way to Hollywood and we really need your help. NARRATOR (seductive tone) I do know the way to Hollywood but I could take you to a lot of other places too, you know, theres so much more to see. MARVIN Thats nice, I really only need to know how to get to Hollywood. NARRATOR Since I know that particular piece of information, I could certainly tell you. MARVIN Well, if you could tell me, I would be very thankful. NARRATOR How thankful? MARVIN Ummm very thankful?

NARRATOR Thanks are great and all, but thats all I ever really get, and you know what? Thanks dont keep you warm at night, thanks dont hold your hand, and thanks dont accompany you to your younger sisters wedding and wipe off the look of bitter disappointment from my mothers face. Thanks just aint enough for me anymore. MARVIN I dont know what you mean Would you like me to compose a song for you? NARRATOR I want a little more than a song. (approaches Marvin in a sexually aggressive manner) MARVIN Ive been in duets before if thats what you mean. (lights off on that side, lights on over Wendy. She is pacing back and forth outside alone, in kind of agitated uncertain bodylanguage.) WENDY If I feel something, then he has a right to know. Thats not true, theyre my feelings, I decide who knows about them. Besides, hes got this Eva hes doing so much for, but by the sound of what he says, it is really not that serious and hes just kind of crazy. I cant believe that Im still having these arguments with myself at my age.

(Lights off on her, lights on over The Chorus and Jealous Chorus Guy) JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Nothing is over until we say it is! CHORUS GUY #1 What are you talking about? JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Arent you tired of being paid so much less than the leads? CHORUS Yeah, sure. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Arent you tired of getting so much less respect than the main cast?

CHORUS Yeah. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY (with building resentment) And arent you tired of being laughed at in the streets by little children and your parents who think your life has been a waste and you should have gone to accounting school like your cousin Bill!? CHORUS (Chorus says a bunch of things simultaneously, some of which can heard be distinctly) No..* *that doesnt really happen to me* *once, but I punched the toddler* (JCG Gets on a stump) JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Well Ive got news for you my comrades! You do not have to take it anymore! I could I mean we could be famous just like them. Chorus of the world unite! CHORUS GUY #1 Oh, not this again. Remember last time you revolted? (sound of explosion in the background) And the time before that? (sound of car screeching cat screaming and explosion). And the time before that? That which is too horrid to put a sound to Sanderson still hasnt recovered. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Some of us will have to sacrifice in this great battle. Havent any of you ever seen Les Misrables? CHORUS (Saying things all at once some can be heard) *no* *What is that Spanish?* JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Its all for a greater cause. (The chorus walks off ignoring him) JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Plebians. (Looks around, sees Narrator hitting on Marvin and back at Wendy and back at Marvin) hmm (Jeopardy like (dont want to get sued here) music)(looks to other side sees Wendy approaching.) girl wants to tell guy about her feelings (looks back at Marvin) guy getting seduced by the narrator (looks back at Wendy) could be misconceived completely out of context(The sounds of gears grinding, as he looks from side to side. Light bulb sound!) Aha!

(Wendy is about to cross to get to Marvin) JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Excuse me Miss, Would you like to see a perfect rendition of Shakespeares Othello, performed by one man right before your very eyes? WENDY (distracted) No, sorry, heres some change. You can owe me the performance. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY (annoyed) Do I looks like a beggar? I am a bard, a thespian offering you my wares for the nominal price of your time any donation to the advancement of art itself must necessarily come after to be genuine. WENDY (still distracted trying to get a look at Marvin) I dont know. Im pretty sure everyone buys their tickets to shows beforehand. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Never mind, you wouldnt appreciate it anyway. WENDY So youll let me pass? JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Not quite yet (the lights go back to Marvin and the Narrator) NARRATOR Ive been following your story you know, and I see your passion. For just one night, can I be your Eva? MARVIN Uhh I dont know about that. NARRATOR Fine Just a kiss then? Just one, so I can feel the burning desire of two hearts in loveMARVIN But were not in love! I dont even know you- what will people think!? What will my mother say?! (lights go back to Jealous chorus guy and Wendy)

JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Why is it you want to see Marvin anyway? WENDY Were going to Hollywood together; Not that its any of your business. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Oh you dont seem like the Hollywood-type (nods to the breasts). WENDY (sighs, stops trying to look at Marvin) Yes, I have small breasts. Thats all anyone seems to notice. As a matter of fact, I got a Masters degree in Engineering with these breasts. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY And now you want to go to Hollywood? WENDY Yes! Just because Im a smart, accomplished scientist doesnt mean I cant also be a superficial ditz. Guys do it all the time and no one calls it an affront to the male because they just call it Sunday Football. JEALOUS CHORUS GUY Wow, you seem to have a lot of pent-up aggression. WENDY Why wouldnt I, when everyone thinks they know better than I do what my dreams should be? (arguing) (Scene goes back to Narrator and Marvin) MARVIN Why do you want a kiss so badly anyway??? NARRATOR Well Just a kiss Narrator: As a narrator My lifes a little bit lonely I follow others stories but not my own One day Id like to be the leading lady And that is why I want to share this little song Maybe it might seem a little bit crazy Though I assure you its a plus for you and me We can both get to feel a little amazing

Marvin: Dont you think this is a little extreme? Narrator: Extreme!? Its just a kiss! A little kiss, What could possibly go wrong with a peck on the lips? Its just a kiss, A simple kiss, Im not asking you for a diamond ring So stop being a pussy and make me your miss! For just a kiss So, how about it? You give me a sweet trip to the moon with your saliva and Ill get you back on track to Hollywood. You save 36 hours of travel and finish the show while the audience is still here Marvin: well I dont know If this is a good idea I dont know What if somebody sees (Narrator: Who cares) Marvin: They just might get the wrong impression This isnt the first situation that could turn out like this Narrator: Oh please! Its just a kiss Marvin: Just a kiss? A lot could go wrong with a peck on this lips Narrator: Its just a kiss Marvin: Not just a kiss

Narrator: Im not asking you for your hand or your wallet Just for you to make me feel wanted With just a kiss Marvin: I dont know It just all seems a little peculiar Whats the gain Of embracing each other this song Cant you see This all seems a little familiar It just seems like everything will go wrong! Narrator: Nothing will go wrong Its just a kiss aah Just a peck on the lips aah Youll feel pure bliss aah With a smack on the lips A kiss How could you resist? Marvin: FINE! [Narrator and Marvin kiss] [Enter Wendy:] MARVIN!!! With the Narrator!? Marvin: No!! its not what it looks like.. Come on Wendy, it was just a kiss! Wendy: A kiss!? Youre from Broadway street! A kiss is a home run! Marvin: It was just a kiss Aah I did it for us So we could get back to Hollywood And follow our dreams Narrator and Abe: Just a kiss, oh how my soul springs free With that kiss, the lead as chosen me Why have we still not stopped to eat, I need chicken wings What a kiss! ALL: I could just lay down and die

Wendy: This was for you aah So you can find your Eva Maybe just a kiss aah But youre that type of guy You fell for a bribe Marvin [harmonizing with Wendy]: Its not just for Evaa This meant nothing to me aah Im not that type of guy Wendy: Its not just a kiss its your pride Marvin [harmonizing with Wendy]: Whats the big deal?! MARVIN Oh, what a mess Ive made. How can I ever get Wendy to trust me again? This wasnt supposed to happen. It was all supposed to work out, like it always does. Maybe I really dont deserve a happy ending. I feel (music starts) noticeably sad. Stomach is in knots, heart pounding, hands sweating. I could really go for that chocolate fudge brownie ice cream right about now. Maybe this is the real sad part of the story.

Sad Song Marvin: This is the sad song, About how everything went wrong Although you know itll be ok, You cant help worry it might not This is the sad song, Wont you help me sing a long? My sorrow wont be back tomorrow When everythings resolved This is the part Where we break your heart You wonder if things Will fall apart Even though you know Deep inside theyll follow through Its up to you Whether you wanna cry, Have you figured out that Im the bad guy? Or do you feel my pain, When the piano hits its cue

This is the sad song! This is the worst part of all, Its just here for the excitement When everythings resolved But although I know things will be ok I cant help worry they might not This isnt the first time Ive been wrong! Maybe I should accept that things dont always Turn out the way you want This is the sad part With a broken heart And I sing about how I messed up But you know I feel bad because I pray that things restart Have you ever had the feel the guilt, Of knowing its your fault? This is the sad song This is the sad part This is the sad song On this typical Broadway show (end scene)

Characters MARVIN, WENDY, ABE TIME Early evening PLACE On the road to Hollywood (the red carpet).

Scene 2-4: Were off to screw you guys. (our three heroes are walking on the red carpet again towards Hollywood.) The Producer Reprise starts in the background MARVIN Is it just me or is the sun really hot today? WENDY It is really hot. You really should have packed more water.

ABE Yeah Marvin, you never think anything through. MARVIN Me? Why would I be the one responsible for packing more water? I was busy finding us the way to Hollywood. WENDY Oh is that what you were doing with your tongue? MARVIN Ive tried to explain to you, it was the only way. WENDY What, was she drawing the directions in your mouth!? ABE Theres always another way Marvin. MARVIN Since when are you such a bloody optimist? And what do you care where I stick my tongue, and who does or does not draw directions on it? ABE If youre going to drag me away from my life on some big adventure for your lost love--an adventure whereon I am thirsty, tired, and almost got eaten by zombies--I wouldnt mind it if you kept it in your pants! MARVIN You want me to keep my tongue in my pants? ABE Yes. Maybe that way I wouldnt have to look at your face all the time. MARVIN Why are you being such a jerk all of a sudden? ABE Everyone else gets a side story except for me. Why? Its cause Im big-boned isnt it? MARVIN Youre not big-boned, youre burley. Women like that. WENDY

Oh and I suppose you know what women like now.

MARVIN Im sorry, ok? How many times can I say Im sorry, before you understand that Im actually sorry? Besides, I dont see why youre so pissed. WENDY Oh dont give me that MARVIN Look were all tired. Were practically at Hollywood, then you and I can go our separate ways. WENDY Of course, then you and your precious Eva will be reunited, and then we can live our lives as if weve never met. MARVIN Well (confused) fine if thats what you want? WENDY Oh who cares what I want? This is all about you and your stupid adventure to win back the love of your life! I think I can find my way from here! (Wendy storms off) MARVIN FINE!

Characters MARVIN, WENDY, ABE, EVA, CHORUS, NARRATOR TIME At the end of a typical musical PLACE Hollywood!

Scene 2-5: Wheel of Morality Turn Turn Turn, Tell us the Lesson that We should Learn

MARVIN

Sure is quiet you wanna, like, sing a song or something?

ABE OH no. I dont do that with other dudes. But knock yourself out. MARVIN What about HollywooABE I was curious! MARVIN Sure whatever. (Clears throat, starts to sing, voice cracks, chokes) Oh my Gosh! Thats so embarrassing, thats never happened to me before! ABE Wow uhh hey dont worry man, happens to everyone. MARVIN Has it happened to you? ABE Oh me? Noooo, no no no, I never miss a beat, especially in a duet. (awkward silence) But hey! Never mind that, look! The sign for Hollywood! (Welcome to Hollywood sign is beside them, OR they point offstage) MARVIN Oh finally! (pauses) where do we go now? ABE Dont look at me, I was following you! MARVIN What do you mean? I thought I was following you! ABE Marvin, youre the one that dragged me along here, and I agreed because I have no direction in life. This was all preestablished. MARVIN Oh yeah right guess I forgot (dazed) ABE Well, get it together. Were in Hollywood now.

MARVIN Huh. Thats odd. ABE Youre telling me. Everyone knows Broadway doesnt mix with Hollywood. I can feel the social rejection already. MARVIN No, not that. I just thought Id feel differently about being here. Maybe it hasnt hit me yet. (gets hit by an orange or some other object (goes ow!) and it turns his direction to a piece of paper on the ground, he picks it up) Whats this? (reads it) Its Eva! I cant believe it! Shes working the streets! ABE What? MARVIN As a performer, live shows. Quick, what street is this? ABE Uhh Matt Damon Way. MARVIN Thats the street shes performing on! And if my calculations are correct, factoring in change in time zone, her show should be starting in an hour ago. Maybe we can catch the ending!

(Insert another smooth transition to street #2. Marvin and Abe onstage, EVA off to the other side of the stage) MARVIN Wow, there she is huh. (neutral emotion) ABE (yelling) HEY! EVA! OVER HERE! (starts walking towards here, dragging Marvin) MARVIN (Resistant) Abe!! What are you doing?? ABE What? Ive been patient this whole time, but I think I saw Lindsay Lohan back there so I wanna get this over with so I can do my own thaaang. (they are now very close to Eva) EVA

(wearing sunglasses, avoiding them) Im sorry I dont have time for autographs right now.

MARVIN (Abe nudges Marvin forward) Uhh Eva, its me. (dramatic). Its Marvin. (Eva looks at him briefly, pulls down sunglasses to examine him, puts them back and keeps walking. Marvin cuts her off). We sang a duet together. (she doesnt seem convinced) Dont you remember? EVA Ummm oh oh wow, its you! What the heck are you doing here? MARVIN Well, I I thought we had a moment back there, so Ive come to bring you back to Broadway street so we can be together. EVA Seriously? I thought that song was supposed to be ironic or something. Weve never even had a conversation! MARVIN But but we had a duet? EVA Haha, back on Broadway, I probably had a duet every weekend. It just doesnt mean what it used to. MARVIN Um No, no wait Im doing this all wrong, you see I meant to do this in song but the music just isnt coming to me right now. EVA From what I remember thats not the only thing that didnt come. MARVIN What? EVA I mean you finished but I wasnt really done singing.

MARVIN Whats that supposed to mean? EVA

It was pretty obvious it was your first duet. It was a little short. MARVIN Oh yeah? Well, you were a little flat! EVA Yeah youre REALLY winning me over, Romeo! Listen, who do you think you are, anyway? Just because you came all this way to save a damsel who clearly is in no distress, doesnt mean Im going to fall in love with you for one stupid romantic gesture! MARVIN (hurt) Oh well um EVA (sighs) That came out a little more harsh than necessary. (sympathetically) Here, take some free tickets to my premiere tonight, its about a guy who falls for a girl he sees on the subway and goes on a grand journey to find her and when he does they fall hopelessly in love and live happily ever after! Romantic, isnt it? Itll make ya feel better. (Marvin and Abe pause for a second and look at Eva like shes crazy) Ill see you around ok? MARVIN Yeah. See you (Eva exits) ABE Well that was unsurprising. I was expecting a little more though. MARVIN I think everyone was. ABE What are you gonna do now? MARVIN I dont know. I just dont know. It just seems like all of this was pointless and I dragged you around for nothing. ABE Haha, I knew what I was getting myself into. MARVIN

Thanks Abe. Even if all this was a failure, Im glad it got to be with you. ABE Dont mention it. But I am expecting you to introduce me to Lindsay Lohan. (they smile) You sure youre ok? MARVIN Yeah I guess Im fine. I actually feel a little relieved. I mean I came all this way, I should be upset and disappointed, but Im not. I feel different. ABE Ha, maybe you actually learned something. MARVIN But Im not any happier, either! Its like I know too much! Man, learning sucks! Dammit! This is all Wendys fault! (frustrated) If it werent for Wendy, we wouldnt have gone down that wrong road in the first place! We would have gone straight on the right Red Carpet path to Hollywood and we never would have wandered through that shady boud-where place, I never would have kissed that crazy narrator lady, I never would have had given that director drunk guy my change which BY THE WAY was a limited edition quarter honoring the Queens golden jubilee!! I would have never jumped in a hoard of zombie vampire things risking my life for her and and- and I wouldnt have had any time to think and learn and feel things! And Id be good and heartbroken like Im supposed to be! Because the feelings would be shallow and easy to handle. Now I feel something so much deeper and its its a little scary. ABE Ok, you lost me. MARVIN I swear, if I ever see her again, Ill WENDY (interrupts) Youll what? MARVIN Wendy! (shocked) What are you doing here?! WENDY (hestitates) I found this flyer for Eva and thought Id check it out to see if it was the right one. MARVIN What for? (suspicious) What were you gonna do with her??

WENDY Just tell her that this lunatic stalked her and followed her here all the way from Broadway street, and as creepy as that sounds, that (hesitates), that hes still a great guy whos brave and noble and not afraid to follow the song in his heart, even if its a little off key sometimes. Maybe tell her that she should give him a chance because she wouldnt regret it MARVIN Thats but thats so nice (confused) why would you do that? You left, I thought you didnt want anything to do with me WENDY Becausedammit Marvin! Because I care about you, ok? I want you to be happy and you came all this way for her so I figured this is what you really wanted! MARVIN Wendy (loss for words) Im so touched. ABE (interrupts) but you just missed his epic rejection by Eva. WENDY Oh. Well I see Ive wasted my time then. (turns to leave) MARVIN Wendy wait! I know youre still mad at me, and Ive already said Im sorry, so just hear me out. All I know is that from the beginning of all this Ive been confused. Ive been living like you can trust the script for everything. Life is improvised and unless we learn that theres no story ark we have to meet and no perfect characters, but the ones we choose to create, then well live our lives trapped in unnecessarily sad endings and missed opportunities. I used to think love could be found in a duet, and the old me would have been crushed by Evas rejection, but this adventure opened my eyes, and nothing hurt more than seeing how much I hurt you. Its been you all along Wendy. Ive just been too blind to live- and I cant live without you! but not in an irrational way- just as an over exaggerated statement to say I really like you and I think we should go for coffee sometime. Will you forgive me? WENDY (Big smile) Yeah I guess youre alright. ABE Well isnt that sweet. I think we all learned a little something from this crazy adventure. (The narrator walks in)

NARRATOR You know what guys. Youve finally made it to the finale.

The Moral of the Story The moral of the story Will be given by a rhyme If we had left, without a moral We would have wasted, all your time The moral, of the story Has a lot to say Be prepared, for all the wisdom That is about to come your way Together We see the past Together We see a future Forever We know just what to do There is moral to this story, There is a moral to this song, And the moral of this Broadway show Is nanana nana na Nanana nana na, Nanana nana na Learn a lesson from this stage, take just what you can Whether youve felt youve been misused, Or whether you move too fast Things dont always turn out the way you planned But that doesnt mean its wrong You cant have peanut butter without Jam And you cant have a moral without a song Without a song Together We see the past Together We see a future Forever We know just what to do There is moral to this story There is a moral to this song And the moral of this Broadway show

Is nanana nana na Nanana nana na Nanana nana na I guess Ive been a little much Distracting myself from what was with me all along I shouldnt of thought you could read my mind Just because I sang it in a song No regrets, Just memories Lessons learned, abilities You cant have a lock without a key And you cant have a moral without a song Together We see the past Together We see a future Forever We know just what to do There is moral to this story There is a moral to this song And the moral of this Broadway show Is nanana nana na Nanana nana na x3 Appreciate the mystery of not being in control Adventure cant exist to those who know Realize the beauty in us all And the diversity of the world You cant have a life without love And you cant have a moral without a song Without a song We found love Chorus: We found love Heyeyeyey Chorus: Found love Heyeyeyaaaa I always knew things would be ok Never had a real doubt in my mind Everythings dandy

No need to worry When your friends arent far behind I guess were in love And we did it All alone and on our own Ive found my place in Hollywood And it will always be my home This wasnt in the script And I should have been the lead Living Broadway, Living Broadway Living life, And were singing bout it! Together Fly away with me We see the past Together We can be whatever we want to be We see a future Forever We can do it if we try We know just what to do There is moral to this story There is a moral to this song And the moral of this Broadway show Is nanana nana na Stick together Through the hard times When the world looks gray Stick together Through the high times When the world looks gold Its forever When youre feeling mad A true friendship Never dies Even when youre sad There was a moral to this story And theres a moral to this song But all that really matters is You appreciate the life you live And you live it like a boss!

(Lights out. Lights in.) (Bill from accounting walks in)

ABE Bill From Accounting? What are you doing here, I thought you never left the office? BILL FROM ACCOUNTING Well you see guys, I have an important message to deliver. This really was a typical Broadway show. The protagonist, who initially resisted change while being fully content with his own life, was then shifted by a combination of complications, external and internal conflict, accompanied by simple subplots, which then ultimately led to its clich foreshadowed climax that ended in a typical Broadway dnouement: in song. It was really a simple ABDCE format, which means we didnt make nearly enough to cover our expenses. So basically all you people in the audience are morally obliged to purchase our overpriced T-Shirts and poor quality novelty mugs. Its the only way for us to make this possible. And please, help control the pet population, spay and neuter your pets. And your children. Just in case

This was your typical Broadway Show This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show And we know you had a really good time! This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show And if you wanna see more you better get in line! Cause in two years or so, the shitty sequel will arrive! This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show And now were gonna clap our hands This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show Now let the dancers entertain you with a funky dance This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show Well introduce the least important guys first This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show Now give it up to our very own chorus!! It couldnt get more typical Lame and stereotypical This song will be unstoppable Cause we threw it on a loop! This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show We call this part a curtain call Were going to go through all our performers

And they are going to bow! Groove along with the funky beet Feel the rhythm in your feet Dont forget to give a hand To our awesome Broadway band!! This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show And now we gonna really get low This was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show But now we are going to let it explode Cause this was your typ-typ-typical Broadway show This was your typical Broadway show When youre feeling gloomy Dont dismay Now is the best time to play Sing like this was your last day Say you love Broadway Oh we love Broadway And say youre never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, Ever gonna stay away!

FIN.

b/o

CURTAIN CALL