THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

by

Richard Bartle

Orchard House,
Queens Road,
West Bergholt,
Essex. CO6 3HE
United Kingdom.
+44 1206 241441
WGAE reg. no. 135177-00 [email protected]
FADE IN:

EXT. BOSTON AIRPORT -- DAY

A passenger airplane taxis away from the terminal building.

INT. BUSINESS CLASS -- DAY

Englishwoman PENNY ROSE occupies an aisle seat. A trim,

thirty-something brunette, she wears a pale business suit
that's almost as buttoned-up as she is.

With both arms, Penny clutches a very smart briefcase.

TOM NEWTON, in the window seat next to her, thumbs through

an in-flight magazine. The chinos and sweater he wears are
direct from the "Boyish Charms 'R' Us" Summer collection --
and hey, he's thirty-something too!

A female FLIGHT ATTENDANT appears next to Penny.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Could you stow your briefcase ready
for take-off, now, Miss Rose.

PENNY
I'd rather just hold onto it, if
that's OK? It's legal and everything --
I have all the papers.

Tom looks up, suddenly aware of Penny's existence. He closes

his magazine ("HOW TO MAKE $300 MILLION FROM THE INTERNET").

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Is it cuffed to your wrist?

PENNY
No..?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Good, that way it won't hurt when I
rip it out of your arms and jam it
under the seat in front of you.

Penny swiftly places the briefcase on the floor. The flight

attendant breaks into standard smile #6 (Victory) and leaves.

TOM
Good decision. I think she could
have taken you mano a mano.

PENNY
I'm sorry, Complete Stranger, but
are you addressing me?
 2.

TOM
I am, but it's OK, I have sarcasm
insurance.
(proffers his hand)
Tom Newton.

Penny looks at his hand like she never saw one before.

TOM
It's a hand. Hey, you shake it.

PENNY
(shaking his hand)
Help. I've been abducted by aliens
and dropped on Planet Extrovert.

TOM
Oh, don't worry -- the natives are
very friendly.

INT. MEN'S ROOM -- DAY

A PILOT leaves as plain-clothes cops ADAMS and MCNAB enter,

with tall, mean murderer MIKEY ZALE cuffed to Adams. Adams
sports a blazer in the hope that people will realize that
he's the cop, not Mikey.

ADAMS
This better be one helluva dump,
Mikey, they already called our flight.

MCNAB
(to Adams)
You're getting soft, he ought to
have to hold 'til we reach Phoenix.

MIKEY
Hey, you made me eat the freakin'
broccoli, this ain't my doing.

Adams and Mikey go into a stall and close the door.

A PASSENGER enters.

ADAMS (O.S.)
Wait, let me get comfortable.

The passenger gapes in surprise. Mcnab flashes his warrant

card and nods, grimly. The passenger quickly leaves.

There is a COMMOTION in the stall.

MIKEY (O.S.)
Out! Come out, you bastard!
 3.

ADAMS (O.S.)
Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

Mcnab cracks a grin, but suddenly there's a SHOT. He pulls

his gun, but a second SHOT spits through the stall door and
wings him.

Mcnab goes down.

Mikey kicks the door open and runs to the exit, the shot-
through cuff chain dangling from his wrist.

Adams picks himself up from the floor and scrambles to Mcnab.

MCNAB
I'll live. Take my gun, get the...
Adams nods, takes Mcnab's pistol and chases after Mikey.

EXT. SKY -- DAY

The airplane flies smooth and level in a cloudless sky.

INT. BUSINESS CLASS -- DAY

Penny rests her briefcase on her lap and grips its handle.

TOM
So, are you here on business or is
that suit a pleasure thing?

PENNY
Business, and it's none of yours.

Tom waits for more, but more doesn't come.

TOM
(turns to face window)
And how about you, Tom? Why are you
Washington bound? You, uh, don't
work for the government, do you?
(turns to face Penny)
Seems that way at times, the tax
they take. But no -- actually I'm
on the tourist trail.
(turns to face window)
Really? Oh, how I wish I could join
you. The White House, the Capitol,
the Memorials, the Smithsonian...
(turns to face Penny)
It has to be better than sitting at
home watching soaps all day.
 4.

PENNY
So if I speak to you, I only have to
hear you half the time instead of
all of it?

TOM
That's the plan.
(grins)
So, what does it say on your home
page?

PENNY
(sighs)
My name's Penny Rose and I teach
mathematics at Oxford. My hobbies
include flower arranging, motor sports
and conversing with airborne madmen.

A sudden, loud WHUMPH outside sends a tremor through the

airplane. An engine GROANS in regret that it's eaten
something it shouldn't have.

PENNY
(clasping her briefcase)
What was that?

TOM
(looking through window)
It'd take us a DNA test to find out...

There is the CHIME of the "SEATBELTS ON" sign illuminating.

FIRST OFFICER (O.S.)

Uh, this is the first officer, people.
We just hit a big, big bird and we're
going to have to land someplace.

TOM
He didn't say there's no need to
panic. I find that reassuring.

PENNY
I don't mind flying, but that falling
from the sky thing sounds unpleasant.

The flight attendant stalks the aisle, looking at waists.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Are you going to buckle up, or is
there an airbag in that briefcase?
 5.

INT. DEPARTURES HALL -- DAY

A long, large atrium affords outgoing passengers twice the

room to be bored in as the arrivals hall above.

Mikey bursts through a door, followed shortly by the slower

Adams. Two uniformed COPS mooching around notice what's
happening and pull their guns.

Mikey fires a speculative SHOT. Panicked passengers scatter.

Adams and the cops check, then all three give chase.

INT. AIRPORT CORRIDOR -- CONTINUOUS

Mikey sprints alongside a travelator full of more-than-

concerned people. He stops, looks back, then all around.
He shoulder-charges his way through a side door.

INT. OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

A jaded SUIT sits behind a desk, next to a large window.

MIKEY
(points gun at suit)
Here -- now.

The suddenly unjaded suit, frightened witless, obeys.

MIKEY
Turn around, face the window.

The suit turns, and Mikey KO's him with the pistol.

Mikey lays the suit against the door like a draft excluder.
He opens the window, footprints the desk, then hides in a
stationery cupboard. He can't resist taking one of the pens.

INT. CUPBOARD -- CONTINUOUS

Mikey tries hard to pant quietly.

There are ominous THUDS as people attack the office door,

then a loud BANG as it gives way.

ADAMS (O.S.)
Aw man, a human doorstop. I hate it
when they do that.

COP (O.S.)
Uh, you think maybe we can replace
those teeth before he wakes up?
 6.

Mikey hears FOOTSTEPS as regulation police boots move around.

ADAMS (O.S.)
OK, so Mikey jumped out the window...
Is backup here yet?

INT. ARRIVALS HALL -- DAY

Penny and Tom appear in an amorphous line with other

passengers from their flight. Everyone walks like someone
must know where they're going. Penny carries her briefcase.

PENNY
I have no idea at all where we are.

TOM
The pilot mumbled Connecticut, so I
guess that narrows it down to only
five thousand eighteen square miles.

PENNY
Only if you know where
(Tom-American accent)
Connecticut
(end American accent)
is...

The flight attendant hands out small pieces of paper like

they were her own children. Penny and Tom each take one.

PENNY
(reading paper)
So, we can exchange these little
vouchers for pizza. How generous.

She and Tom stop simultaneously. There's a line at the pizza

stall that has more people in it than the stall has pizzas.

PENNY
They said it would take three hours
to scrape the ostrich from the engine,
but that's a four-hour queue.

TOM
Somewhere, there has to be an ice
cream stand, I know it...

PENNY
Yay! Trappings of civilization!
But aren't these only good for pizza?

TOM
I have some of that money stuff,
we'll try to use that instead.
 7.

INT. DEPARTURES HALL -- DAY

Mikey enters with what he thinks is nonchalance, hand (and

gun) in pocket. He looks up at a monitor, moving his lips as
he reads. He grins a magnificent set of yellow teeth, but
stops rapidly upon spotting Adams scanning around.

An elevator arrives. Mikey steps in as people step out.

INT. ARRIVALS HALL -- DAY

Penny and Tom wander along a deserted walkway with a wall on

one side and a handrail guarding the drop to the departures
hall on the other.

PENNY
So where's this ice cream stall you
promised? I could have been two
hundred and thirty-first in the pizza
queue by now.

An elevator door opens. Out steps Mikey.

TOM
If only I'd studied maps of every
airport in America, just in case I --

Mikey, looking especially mean, barges past Tom.

PENNY
Hey! Primitive man!

TOM
No! Don't --

Mikey stops and turns.

MIKEY
You got somethin' to say?

PENNY
No, but you have. Apologize to Tom
here, you nearly knocked him over.

Mikey sneers.

TOM
I accept your apology. Now let's --

PENNY
(ignoring Tom)
Come on, surely you can grunt "Sorry"?
 8.

MIKEY
No way, you dumb ass --

He turns to leave.

PENNY
Too many syllables for you?

Mikey snaps. He pulls his gun and points it at Penny.

MIKEY
I ain't apologizin'!

Penny instinctively hugs her briefcase.

MIKEY
Now what have you got there?
Penny, virtually paralyzed, manages to shake her head.

MIKEY
Must be somethin' important... Money?

Penny shakes her head again, making whimpering noises.

TOM
Give him the case, Penny, before --

Mikey snatches the briefcase by the handle. It opens with a

loud BANG and sprays orange dye all over him.

A huge plume of blue smoke billows out. Papers, books, pens,

lipsticks, brushes and other collectibles spill everywhere.

Mikey SHOOTS once, blindly. He drops the briefcase, covering

his eyes and moaning as he staggers into the handrail.

He loses his balance, topples over and falls to the departures

hall, landing with a satisfying THUD.

INT. DEPARTURES HALL -- MOMENTS LATER

Mikey's body lies at Adams' feet. He could be dead.

Adams looks up. Penny stares horrified over the rail.

ADAMS
(holsters gun)
Stop! Police!

INT. ARRIVALS HALL -- CONTINUOUS

Penny turns around, eyes pleading with fear and dread.

 9.

PENNY
Oh my god! I killed him!

She looks back through the thinning smoke and sees Adams
running to an escalator. Immediately, she drops to her knees
and searches about the floor, frantically.

PENNY
Help me! Quickly, it's --

She stands up, clutching a metal flask in triumph.

PENNY
Sorry, Tom, but I'm going to have to
go. Good luck finding an ice cream.

TOM
No, wait! I don't think he --

She dashes off. Tom glances upwards with a "why me?"

expression, only to spot a CCTV camera.

Resignedly, he darts after her.

INT. AIRPORT FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

People stand at a barrier waiting to greet passengers emerging

through a doorway. Some hold hand-made name signs.

Penny and Tom, skidding as they turn to avoid the barrier,

race for the exit to the outside world.

EXT. AIRPORT FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

A line of sleek, black limos waits next to a line of garish

hotel shuttles. Two uniformed DRIVERS smoke and chat.

TOM
Hey! Who you waiting for?

DRIVER
(looking at watch)
Blumberg and Kowalski, why?

PENNY
That's us!

They run to his limo.

DRIVER
But they told me two guys!

PENNY
I'm on hormones.
 10.

The limo's doors are locked.

DRIVER
(getting into vehicle)
So -- hey, where are your bags?

TOM
Mix up, they were sent to China.
Why won't this door open?

PENNY
Our hand luggage went there, too.

Still unconvinced, the driver releases the central locking.

Penny and Tom clamber in together.

INT. AIRPORT FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

Adams limps across to the exit, out of breath and nursing a
stitch in his side. He arrives just in time to watch the
limo pull away, with Penny and Tom in the rear seats.

An equally unfit uniformed cop joins him moments later.

ADAMS
Damn! I really wanted to shake that
woman's hand.

EXT. HIGHWAY -- DAY

A white van moves with the same disregard for the speed limit
as the rest of the traffic. It flaunts a small satellite
dish on its roof and the logo for "CHANNEL 24" on its side.

INT. VAN -- DAY

TV reporter PHIL PRESTON drives. His fifty-year-old face

and forty-nine-year-old hair boast a standard of personal
grooming completely unknown to the rest of him.

His passenger, young cameraman RAPHAEL NOVAK, cleans a lens

tenderly.

A cellular PHONE rings. Raph somehow finds it in the pile

of old fast food cups and cartons behind him, and answers.

RAPH
(listens)
Uh, OK, yeah, maybe 20 minutes?
(nods)
OK.
(he offs the phone)
We got to go to the airport.
 11.

RAPH (CONT'D)
Some woman just took down an escaped
killer then ran off.

PRESTON
We're going no place but the office.
My contract clearly states: human
interest stories only.

RAPH
It states no such thing!

PRESTON
Well it damned well ought to.

He checks the mirror.

RAPH
What is it with you, Phil? Don't
you have no ambition no more? I'm
tired of Pet Bears With Toothache,
and Lives Ruined By Birthday Cards.
I wanna do something that matters!

PRESTON
The bears mattered -- that piece won
me an award.

RAPH
Yeah -- for services to veterinary
dentistry... Make a left here.

Preston turns the wheel and they exit the highway.

PRESTON
You figure this time there's a story?

RAPH
Well why did Mystery Woman split?
Is she wanted? She having an affair?
Maybe she's a celebrity?

PRESTON
(laughing)
OK, Raph, tell you what: if there's
celebrity involvement here, we'll
follow it up. Agreed?

RAPH
You serious? Hell, sure it's agreed!

PRESTON
And if there isn't, the burgers are
on you for all of next week.
 12.

INT. DEPARTURES HALL -- DAY

Preston interviews Adams, while some distance away Raph seeks

incredible camera angles.

PRESTON
Blue smoke and orange dye? Damn, I
wish they'd let us colorize closed
circuit tapes. What about her stuff,
is any of that stained?
(waves an arm)
Hey, Raph!

ADAMS
Sorry, turns out she was English --
I had to bag it up, send it to DC.

PRESTON
DC? Washington, DC? Haven to every
corrupt, scheming, lying, manipulative
soul-sucking crook in the country?

ADAMS
Yeah, that DC.

Raph saunters over to them, looking skyward.

RAPH
Light's good, you want to do it here?

PRESTON
Here's fine, maybe with a long shot
for when I say the guy fell.
(to Adams)
OK, I'll make my report now; Raph
can edit in the fun bits on the way
back to Hartford. Can I borrow your
jacket?

ADAMS
My jacket? Why do you want my jacket?

Preston removes his own jacket and drops it on the floor.

PRESTON
You've never wondered how TV news
people always have on a fresh outfit
every time you see them?

Adams removes his jacket. Preston puts it on, admires the

lousy fit, then composes himself for Raph's waiting camera.
 13.

PRESTON
(professionally)
The time: one fifteen p.m. Recaptured
triple murderer Mikey Zale has
overcome his police guard, brutally
wounding an officer in the process.
It looks like he's made another
getaway. Then, this happens.
(gestures with hand)
Cut to footage.
(clears throat)
Thanks to the quick thinking of a
female passenger, Zale is blinded by
orange dye and thick, blue smoke.
Dazed and confused, he plummets
from...
(same hand gesture)
Long shot.
(resumes)
...this balcony to land in a crumpled
heap, a cop-killer in our midst. So
who is this mystery woman, who ran
off after she'd done the deed? Police
have identified her as English
national Penelope Rose, and they
really want to find her. And, with
a reward of two thousand dollars
already offered by the State, somehow
I don't think it's going to take
them very long. This is Phil Preston
for Channel 24 News.

RAPH
Perfect.

PRESTON
(looks at watch)
Fine, so, if you do the long shot
now we'll just about make the early
evening news.

EXT. DOWNTOWN -- DAY

The street teems with Dilberts heading home from the office.

Tom helps Penny to her feet as their limo pulls away; for
people who have been unceremoniously dragged from a vehicle
and thrown to the sidewalk, they're in good shape.

TOM
How much do they pay those guys?
Time was when forty dollars seventeen
cents was a decent bribe!
 14.

PENNY
Still, at least he didn't take us to
a police station.

They walk in the direction the limo went.

TOM
Yeah, well, maybe we should visit
one anyway.
(slaps his face)
Whoa! How did that reality virus
beat my immune system?

PENNY
Tom, I
(whispered)
I killed someone.
(hurriedly)
Now it was an accident and he was
rather beastly, but I still did wrong
and so I shall turn myself in --
it's just I really, really must do
something in Washington first.

TOM
Well, I don't know where we are, but
sure as hell it's not Washington: no-
one has tried to rob me yet.

PENNY
Can I try? Only, I lost my money
and everything with my briefcase.
(she stops)
My passport! It has my photo in it!
They'll know what I don't look like!

TOM
(taking her arm)
Hey, calm down... Although I left
my carry-on bag behind like every
other sane person, I do have that
trusty all-American fall-back, the
credit card.

With a flourish that would have worked better if his chinos

weren't so tight, he produces a wallet from a front pocket.

His proud grins freezes as he glances first at the wallet,

then down at the pocket.

PENNY
I realize that as a British citizen
I'm in no way qualified to make this
remark, but isn't that a bullet hole?
 15.

Tom puts a hand in the pocket and pokes a finger through.

Slowly, he opens his wallet, fearing the worst.

It is the worst: there's a bullet lodged in it.

TOM
Oh, for -- ! Thirty-six credit cards,
and he took them all out in one shot!
What kind of disturbed individual --

PENNY
I don't think he was specifically
aiming for your credit cards...

TOM
Damn damn, damn and damn!
(walking dejectedly)
Well we can't do much on forty dollars
seventeen cents. Let's find a bank,
I can have my mom wire me something.

PENNY
Yay! Then we can check into a hotel,
organize transport to Washington and
why are you looking at me like that?

TOM
Uh, it's just... I want to help
you, I really do, you're so --
(sighs)
It's just harboring a fugitive could
land me in jail with guys who have
tattooed tongues. Why am I risking
that?

PENNY
Because I'm a maiden in distress?

She smiles sweetly.

TOM
Penny, what's in the flask?

Penny stops walking and immediately hides it behind her back.

Ha! He'll never find it there!

TOM
Come on, you hug your briefcase like
a baby the whole time, but when it
falls open you only want the flask.
Not your passport, your money, your
"I've Been to Boston" crystal effect
paperweight, no, just the flask.
 16.

TOM (CONT'D)
Now why is it so damned important?

PENNY
I can't tell you.

TOM
Yes, you can. You can say, "Here's
why it's important, Tom," then --

PENNY
No, no I can't -- you could be
anybody. Well, not Joan of Arc,
obviously, she's dead, but --

TOM
Then maybe I'll just take my forty
dollars seventeen someplace else.
Sell that suit to a thrift store if
you want some cash of your own. Or
hey, get this! Maybe you could
actually trust me?

PENNY
(distraught)
No, it's not like that, I --

Tom turns to leave.

PENNY
Sperm! It's sperm!

Every single person in the street stops and stares at her.

PENNY
(inspired)
-- whale serum. With this, sperm
whales need never suffer from bad
flipper ever again!

Every single person in the street groans disappointedly and

continues about their business.

Penny and Tom start off walking again, but they're going to
have to speak in low voices now. Hey, that means they'll
need to keep real close to one another..!

TOM
(low)
Sperm? Uh, human sperm?

PENNY
(low)
Of course human sperm!
 17.

PENNY (CONT'D)
What sort of person do you think I
am?

TOM
(low)
It could have been racehorse sperm,
or prize bull sperm. But if it's...
(he frowns)
Uh, whose sperm is it, exactly?

PENNY
(low)
I really, really do not want to tell
you...

TOM
(breaks from Penny)
OK, if you're going to be --

PENNY
No! I -- It's the president's.

Every single person in the street stops and stares at her.

PENNY
What is it with you people?

TOM
The -- the president's?

He drags her into an alley off the main street. The passers
by continue passing by again.

EXT. ALLEY -- CONTINUOUS

TOM
(in disbelief)
What, you mean the president's? The
president of the United States, that
president's?

PENNY
In liquid nitrogen. Frozen.

TOM
But how can it be the... Whoa! You
mean -- so what they say about Brad
Hawks is really true?!

PENNY
Of course it's true! You think I'm
trying to impress you by lying?
 18.

She turns and leaves the alley.

TOM
But how did you -- wait!

EXT. HIGHWAY -- DAY

The Channel 24 van sits gridlocked. The way other drivers

are out of their vehicles, it's been so for some time.

INT. BACK OF VAN -- DAY

There's a ton of equipment in here, all of which Raph regards

as his own, personal property. He consults a monitor.

PRESTON (O.S.)
They got it OK?
RAPH
They said it'll be item two.

PRESTON (O.S.)
Two, huh? My highest for years.
(he snorts, bitter)
Yeah, well, tomorrow it's back to
People Who Can't Sleep Because Their
Neighbors Look Like Vikings.

Raph rewinds and replays the CCTV tape. It's like he hasn't
heard Preston.

PRESTON (O.S.)
Raph, you ok?

RAPH
(freezing a frame)
Uh, yeah -- come take a look at this.

PRESTON (O.S.)
But I'm driving.

RAPH
Phil, you're sitting at the wheel
while the cops try to clear the
highway of ten thousand three hundred
sixty eight broken soda bottles from
an upturned truck. Now get in here!

Preston clambers NOISILY through the fast food carton

barricade to join Raph at the back.

PRESTON
Soda truck, huh? I was kinda
wondering what item one was.
 19.

RAPH
(pointing at the screen)
This is the girl. And this...
(winds tape on a bit)
This is Tom Newton.

PRESTON
That's Tom Newton?
(nods)
So he's a world-famous skydiver?
Chess player? Science fiction author?
Nobel Prize winner? Monster truck
racer? 1940s crooner? Danish prince?

RAPH
(mildly impatient)
You know, Tom Newton! The guy who
sold his Internet soap opera business
for three hundred million last month?

PRESTON
(peering closer)
Him? So why's he hanging with a
vigilante math professor?

RAPH
You're the investigative reporter --
investigate!

PRESTON
(frowning at monitor)
Hey, just -- that can't be right...

He leans over Raph's shoulder and shunts a couple of frames.

His frown deepens as he steps back.

PRESTON
Did you broadcast any of this?

RAPH
No, course not, he wasn't no part of
the story.

PRESTON
(animated)
Good boy -- this is amazing!
(off his look)
This is! He is!
(points at monitor)
Last time I saw the top of that head
was ten years ago, when it belonged
to a slime-ball called Tom Meredith.
 20.

RAPH
So we're talking scalp donors here?
(peering at monitor)
No, that's Tom Newton, I saw him on
CNN -- I can picture it right now.

PRESTON
Then he's changed his name. This
angle is the exact same one I had in
the press gallery.

An AUTOMOBILE HORN sounds outside.

PRESTON
(steps back)
I'm telling you, Raph, that's Tom
Meredith. Boy, I loathe that guy!
RAPH
Does he count as a celebrity?

Preston clambers over the cartons back to the driver's seat.

PRESTON (O.S.)
The woman he molested is now a
senator, so I guess he kinda does.

Raph puffs his cheeks. It looks like Children Who Write

Poems For Bananas will be on hold for a while.

EXT. DOWNTOWN -- DAY

Tom and Penny are still walking, and it's still fairly busy.

TOM
Well hot damn, that's the last time
I ever vote for any candidate under
sixty years of age.
(shakes head ruefully)
So, uh, pardon my indelicacy, but
how exactly did you get to be the
(low)
the Keeper of the Sperm?

PENNY
(avoiding eye contact)
Oh it, er, just came my way.

TOM
Yeah, right...
(low)
Say, you're not a British spy, are
you? Do you have one of those watches
that can microwave puppies?
 21.

PENNY
If I did, surely I'd have used it on
you by now?

TOM
(low)
So you're expecting some kind of
payment, then? You plan to --

PENNY
No, it's not like that, we're friends --
(low)
Libby, Brad and I.
(normal)
I know them from Oxford, they're
just normal people like you and --
well, like me anyway.
TOM
(aghast)
Whoa! Libby? You call
(low)
You call Olivia Hawks "Libby"? Olivia
Hawks? The first --

PENNY
(low)
Yes, I call her Libby, OK? Look,
inside this flask is a sealed tank.
Inside the tank is liquid nitrogen,
floating in which is a cane containing
the you-know-what. The nitrogen is
good for seven days, today being day
five. Now can't we just find a phone
so you can call your
(slight stammer)
mmmother?

TOM
(low)
So what am I missing here? Why don't
we simply call your friend, the
Commander-in-Chief, and ask for Air
Force One?

PENNY
(low)
No, no -- people might find out what
I have here! I can't let anyone
even suspect. No-one. Not the air
force, the secret service, the FBI,
not anybody. It's too important.
 22.

TOM
(nodding)
You left out the "because" part at
the end there...

Penny stops and looks around, exasperated. She spots a

recessed doorway and drags Tom to it by the hand.

EXT. DOORWAY -- CONTINUOUS

PENNY
(very nervous)
OK, you have to promise. You have
to promise that you won't tell anyone
what I'm about to say to you.

TOM
OK, sure, why not? I promise.

PENNY
And none of that talking to rocks in
earshot of other people, either.

TOM
It's OK, I can keep a secret -- just
tell me what this is all about.

Penny looks him in the eye a moment. OK, she's satisfied.

PENNY
Article Two of the Constitution of
the United States requires that all
presidents be natural born U.S.
citizens, correct?

TOM
Correct. Natural born on U.S. soil
or to U.S. parents. Or they could
be older than the constitution, that
also works.

Penny glances around quickly. She doesn't want anyone to

overhear, lip-read or mind-read what she's going to say.

PENNY
So the fact that a DNA test of this
sperm would prove that the president
is not a natural born U.S. citizen
might just be a problem?

TOM
A problem?
(horrified)
A problem?
 23.

TOM (CONT'D)
Hell fire -- it would mean a full-
blown constitutional crisis!

PENNY
So perhaps now that you understand,
you'll stop harping on and do
something to help me!
(looking across street)
Thank god, a pub!
(off his look)
Pubs equals pay phones!

She sets off.

EXT. DOWNTOWN -- MOMENTS LATER

Tom catches up to Penny just as she's about to cross the
road, hauling her back by her collar.

PENNY
Yikes!

TOM
You want to be arrested for
jaywalking? Cross over there!

They head for a nearby WALK/DON'T WALK signal.

PENNY
And as the judge sentences me to
life for murder, I'm sure I'll take
comfort in the knowledge that you've
spared me an extra two days.

It's WALK. They cross.

TOM
Now I've been thinking about that...
Call me naive, but why did the cop
at the airport holster his gun?

PENNY
He didn't want to shoot out a window
and depressurize the whole building?

EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS

They pause at the door.

TOM
I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you
aren't actually wanted by the police
at all. Think about it --
 24.

Tom pushes the door open.

INT. BAR -- DAY

A TV plays Preston's report as Tom and Penny stroll in.

PRESTON (O.S.)
A cop-killer in our midst.

INT. TV SCREEN -- DAY

An unflattering CCTV image of Penny.

PRESTON (O.S.)
So who is this mystery woman, who
ran off after she'd done the deed?
Police have identified her as English
national Penelope Rose, and they
really want to find her.

The image cuts to Preston himself, with the Channel 24 logo

watermarked in one corner of the screen.

PRESTON (O.S.)
And, with a reward of two thousand
dollars already offered by the State,
somehow I don't think it's going to
take them very long. This is Phil
Preston for Channel 24 News.

INT. BAR -- DAY

Penny and Tom have faces frozen in horror. In perfect

synchronization, they turn and walk slowly out.

EXT. BAR -- DAY

The moment the door closes, Tom and Penny glance at each
other then bolt like the place was on fire.

EXT. RESTAURANT -- DAY

Tom and Penny arrive panting, their mad panic having sustained
their flight for several hundred yards.

TOM
OK, so here's what we do.
(pants)
I go into this restaurant, and I ask
to use their phone.
(pants)
You stay out here pretending to read
the menu.
 25.

TOM (CONT'D)
(pants)
I fix up the wire transfer, then we
cab to the bank for the cash.
(pants)
Then we make another plan.

PENNY
(leans against a wall)
I don't suppose we ran all the way
to Washington, did we?

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- DAY

FBI chief WILLIAM DYSON enters, tall, imposing and deadly

serious. He wears his dark suit like it was a uniform and
carries a large brown envelope.
BRADLEY HAWKS stares pensively out of the window. The light
catches him very favorably, his arms folded like he's modeling
for a portrait called "Savior of the Free World".

His wife, OLIVIA HAWKS, glances back as she walks to Dyson.

She's around Brad's age (late thirties) and wears a smart,
cream trouser suit. What's this? She has on rimless glasses.

DYSON
I'm sorry. Didn't realize it was a
husband and wife moment.

OLIVIA
(finger to lips)
Let's not disturb Brad just now --
we can talk outside.

INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR -- DAY

Olivia closes the door behind her.

DYSON
(nodding at door)
He OK?

OLIVIA
He has a lot on his mind... So what
was this about, Mr Dyson?

DYSON
Incident in Connecticut earlier today.
An Englishwoman tipped an escaped
prisoner over a balcony.

OLIVIA
Is the prisoner alright?
 26.

DYSON
Head like an anvil -- airport floor
needs repair, though.
(he laughs. Hurr Hurr)
But the heroine ran off. Local law
enforcement found this.

He digs in the envelope, retrieving a pink, plastic-coated

card which he hands to Olivia. There's a photo of Penny on
it and the words "WHITE HOUSE: CLASS A SECURITY PASS".

DYSON
It's a class A security pass.

OLIVIA
So that's what those words mean.
DYSON
Clearly a forgery -- only the
president can issue one of those.
But I guess you know that.
(he laughs. Hurr Hurr)
You recognize her?

OLIVIA
(visibly pales)
It's Penny Rose, isn't it?

DYSON
Passport confirms it: Penelope Rose --
whose only brother died trying to
save Brad's life.
(takes back the pass)
Who knows how fifteen years of
bitterness have twisted her mind?
What monstrous plans she's hatched
to take her bloody revenge?

OLIVIA
Now listen, Bill, you must leave her
be. This is purely personal, it --
(flustered)
it has nothing to do with presidential
security, and neither have you. I
can't and won't ask to have her
arrested. Do you understand?

DYSON
Completely, ma'am.

OLIVIA
(unconvinced)
No, I mean really understand?
 27.

DYSON
Of course. Observation only.

OLIVIA
No, nothing only. I'm speaking to
you as an ordinary citizen. Spending
public money on private matters is
illegal. She's done nothing wrong,
so no arrest, no observation.

DYSON
No arrest, no observation, no
anything. Understood.

OLIVIA
Good. Yes. I'll tell Brad.
She opens the door.

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- MOMENTS LATER

Olivia closes the door. Brad looks over to her.

BRAD
You OK, dear?
(frowns)
Something Dyson said?

OLIVIA
(goes to him)
Penny's met with some bad luck. I
think she'll be alright -- I made it
clear he's to leave her alone.

Brad puts his arm round her waist, supportively.

INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR -- SAME

Dyson replaces the documents in the envelope as his aide

CALHOUN approaches. This guy is young, ambitious and so
sneaky-looking that he may as well have the words "I am a
shifty person" stamped on his forehead.

CALHOUN
What did she say, sir?

DYSON
She made it clear, we arrest Rose.
Here,
(gives him envelope)
this goes to the British Embassy.
I'll be in my office.
 28.

INT. CLAUDETTE'S OFFICE -- DAY

Senator CLAUDETTE GRANT taps at her computer, her frilly

blouse exploding from a shocking-pink designer suit. A
testament to the skills of legions of beauty therapists,
she's half-way through smoking a small cigar.

Her vast desk supports only the computer, a phone, ashtray

and brass "SENATOR CLAUDETTE GRANT" name-plate.

Calhoun enters from her right, carrying Dyson's envelope.

CLAUDETTE
(not glancing up)
What is it, Calhoun? Can't you see
I'm reading my email?
CALHOUN
And everyone else's.

She looks at him blankly. He's making some kind of point?

CALHOUN
(waving envelope)
I've found something that could help
you in your quest to become president.

CLAUDETTE
And therefore help you in your quest
to become Director of the FBI...

CALHOUN
(unperturbed)
We don't have it for long, it has to
go to the British Embassy.

He tips the envelope out to form a neat pile on Claudette's

desk. She's horrified -- is this guy a slob or what?!

CLAUDETTE
If that orange dye is still wet then
I'm going to have to kill your
firstborn -- supposing you ever get
one...

CALHOUN
It's dry, it's dry!
(under breath)
Jeez, this desk feng shui really
bites.

CLAUDETTE
(spreads the pile out)
So what do we have here?
 29.

CALHOUN
The effects of an Englishwoman who
captured a murderer in Connecticut
earlier today, then ran.

CLAUDETTE
Phone, credit cards -- they have
credit cards in England? -- papers,
eww, what is that? Some kind of
math, ick, take it away!

She picks up a sheet of paper like it was a soiled diaper

and gives it to Calhoun.

CLAUDETTE
OK, so, passport -- ah, now we're
getting somewhere, White House pass.
Oh, that's nice -- class A!
(draws on her cigar)
So our dear president invited her?

CALHOUN
That's what I think, yes.

CLAUDETTE
And what does Dyson think?

CALHOUN
He thinks that this Penelope Rose is
out to murder Brad on account of how
Brad got her brother killed.

CLAUDETTE
Well, it would be nice if she could
pull it off, but I guess that's too
much to hope for.
(sighs)
How did Brad react to the suggestion?

CALHOUN
I didn't see, but Olivia was
uncharacteristically flustered.

CLAUDETTE
Flustered? Olivia Hawks, flustered?
(leans forward)
OK. Time to find out what's going
on here. Dig up what you can on
limey girl, I'll contact Mr Knight.

CALHOUN
Mr Knight? Mr "cold-blooded assassin"
Knight? The man's a psychopath!
 30.

CLAUDETTE
True, but his surveillance rates are
very competitive.
(takes Penny's phone)
Besides, if Dyson really thinks this
woman aims to kill Brad, why
disappoint him?

She listens for a dial tone, gives Calhoun a "You got a

problem?" look, then punches in a number.

INT. BANK -- EVENING

A large, digital clock on the wall clicks over from "6:59:59

HAVE A NICE DAY" to "7:00:00 HAVE A NICE EVENING".

Tom strides towards the exit, thumbs in pockets and shoulders

hunched, with Penny falling in step beside him. The place
is pretty well empty, as are Tom and Penny's coffers.

PENNY
You don't look like a man whose
pockets are bulging with dollars.

TOM
They wanted ID. Why don't shot dead
credit cards count as ID?

They reach the door and walk out onto the street.

EXT. BANK -- CONTINUOUS

The pair stop outside in the light from the bank's windows.

PENNY
So we're still broke?

TOM
No, we're not broke.
(laughs)
That doesn't happen until we've bought
something to eat.

PENNY
We passed a place earlier that looked
like it did cheap food. I use the
word "food" only loosely, of course,
but the "cheap" bit is accurate.

TOM
Hooch's Bar, I saw that, too. Well
OK! Let's go fill ourselves on brats
and try figure a way out of this.
 31.

PENNY
Brats? Unruly children?

TOM
My, you really are English... Brats
are Bratwurst.
(off her blank look)
German sausage.

PENNY
I think I'd have preferred for it to
be the unruly children...

INT. HOOCH'S BAR -- EVENING

It's a rough-looking joint, but not all the women are hookers,
and hey, beggars can't be choosers. Penny and Tom perch on
stools eating stuff that only qualifies as food under a legal
technicality. Tom savors every mouthful.

A card game at one of the tables in the back busies JAKE,

HOTSHOT and SVENGALI.

PENNY
(looks around)
So this is the real America?

TOM
No-one's young, restless, bold or
beautiful, so I guess it must be.

PENNY
I'd take that as an insult if I didn't
suspect I was missing something...

TOM
You know -- the soaps.
(amazed)
You don't get The Young and the
Restless in England?

PENNY
Coronation Street?

Start "Bold and the Beautiful" zoomed face conversation mode.

TOM
The Bold and the Beautiful?

PENNY
Eastenders?

End "Bold and the Beautiful" zoomed face conversation mode.

 32.

TOM
OK, so talking about soaps won't
help me get to know you better.
Hmm.
(frowns)
I need a guiding light...

He bites into his brat with gusto.

TOM
Mm-mmm! So what's your opinion of
fine, American cuisine?

PENNY
This brown stuff is either meat or
the inside of a floppy disk, right?
TOM
Floppy disk? Mind if I take a byte?
(he laughs)

Penny watches the card players.

PENNY
Uh, oh, yes, of course.

She offers him her sandwich, still observing the card game.

TOM
That was 'byte' with a 'y'.

Penny doesn't react.

TOM
Page one of every jokes-about-
computers book ever printed?

PENNY
(snaps out of it)
Oh, uh, sorry, I was just... What
game are those men playing?

TOM
(glancing over)
Looks like -- whoa! High Card Pool,
AKA Montana Red Dog. That's one
hell of a dangerous game.
(looks at his brat)
Maybe not as dangerous as eating
this, of course...

He shrugs and takes another bite.

 33.

PENNY
They don't shuffle the pack...
(turns to Tom)
Tom, what are the rules to High Card
Pool, AKA Montana Red Dog?

INT. HOOCH'S BAR -- SAME

Down at the table, Jake has noticed Penny watching them.

JAKE
Hey, that chick at the bar, looking
our way -- don't she seem familiar
to you?

HOTSHOT
If that kind of chick were familiar
to me, would I be playing Red Dog
with losers like you.

SVENGALI
Ain't, ain't she off'a the TV?

JAKE
Hey, yeah! She was on the news,
she's up two thousand for busting a
murderer!

HOTSHOT
I remember. Isn't she English?

JAKE
But why's she looking over here?

HOTSHOT
Maybe that two grand is burning a
hole in her pretty little pockets?

SVENGALI
I, I dunno, Hotshot. If she can
bust a murderer, she can, she can
bust us.

JAKE
No, Svengali, we do it legit! We
invite her to the game, let her get
all settled, then win the two grand
off her all fair and legal.

SVENGALI
But what, but what if she's good?
If she wins? We, we don't know her.
 34.

HOTSHOT
Oh, you think, like, she's a world-
famous professor of statistics?
(waves to Penny)
Excuse me, lady?

EXT. HOOCH'S BAR -- NIGHT

Tom and Penny exit the bar hurriedly onto a street which is
full of young people headed for a good time and late-working
office types headed for a coronary.

TOM
(making the gesture)
Taxi!
(to Penny)
How much did you win?
PENNY
Let's see, there was seven fifty-six
in the pot, which I matched; I had
another eight-two over, so that's
one thousand, five hundred and ninety-
four dollars.

A taxi arrives.

PENNY
I suppose you want back the twenty I
borrowed for my stake?

INT. CALHOUN'S BEDROOM -- MORNING

The sun streams gleefully through newly-opened drapes,

awakening Calhoun from that deep, restful sleep enjoyed by
all those who lack a conscience.

CALHOUN
(blinded)
What the blue cheese -- ?

He sits up, shielding his eyes with his hand to see who's
tormenting him. What neat, monogrammed, silk pajamas!

A shadowy figure, backlit by the sun so Calhoun can't make

out his face, stands at the end of the bed. It's MR KNIGHT.

MR KNIGHT
I start early, Mr Calhoun. I was
told you had a package for me.

CALHOUN
Knight? Is that -- Uh, yeah, it's --
 35.

MR KNIGHT
It's in my hands, Mr Calhoun. Your
safe is not Japanese.

CALHOUN
Japa -- Say what?

Mr Knight suddenly flings open the windows. He makes a "catch

you later" gesture, then leaps out.

Still dazzled, Calhoun sits alone in his double bed.

He reaches over to his alarm clock. It's 4:48 a.m. Attached

to the clock is a yellow, stick-on note: "IF THIS WERE A
BOMB, YOU'D BE DEAD NOW.".

INT. BRIEFING ROOM -- MORNING

Dyson stands behind a desk, in front of a screen.

Special Agents POWELL and FAIRBANKS are seated before him.

Both in their late twenties and regulation dark suits, at
first glance they could be identical twins except Powell is
a guy and Fairbanks is a girl.

A clock on the wall clicks over to 07:00.

DYSON
Sorry for the late start, Special
Agents Powell and Fairbanks.
(nods to each in turn)
The Brits don't keep records as
efficiently as us.

He laughs. Hurr Hurr. Powell and Fairbanks exchange a

knowing look of agreement: no-one could possibly keep records
as efficiently as the FBI!

Dyson presses a button on the desk. The lights dim, and a

slide projects onto the screen. It's a younger Penny.

DYSON
Penelope Rose. Distinguished
professor of statistics, Oxford,
England. Would-be assassin.

He presses the button again. The slide features a

bespectacled young man, taken from an old Polaroid.

DYSON
Ashley Rose. Brilliant postgraduate,
elder brother of Penelope.
 36.

The button. This time the projector displays a newspaper,

the "OXFORD EVENING MISSIVE". The headline reads "BRILLIANT
POSTGRADUATE DIES TRYING TO SAVE LIFE OF EXCHANGE STUDENT IN
TRAGIC BOATING ACCIDENT". A picture of Ashley is below.

A separate, unrelated headline reads "SPLIT INFINITIVES COST

INDUSTRY MILLIONS -- OFFICIAL".

DYSON
The exchange student: Bradley Hawks.
At the time, boyfriend, later to be
husband, of Olivia Howard.

Powell and Fairbanks are both astounded and appalled.

FAIRBANKS
(raising hand)
Sir: you mean that to revenge her
brother, Penelope Rose intends to
assassinate the, the...

The words are too awful to say.

DYSON
Very likely.
(the button)
Five years ago, Oxford, England: the
president's brother Larry dies in a
car crash.

The screen now shows a mangled jeep on the wrong side of the
road. So that would be the right side, then.

DYSON
Oxfordshire constabulary take in
Rose for questioning, but release
her -- insufficient evidence.
(the button)
It's her second brush with the law.

A video still of student Penny at a demo occupies the screen.

DYSON
Anti-government riots. Magistrates
fine Rose for her involvement. Now --

The button brings up the unflattering CCTV image of Penny

seen on the news the night before.

POWELL
Sir: what's that item in her hand?

The button flicks to a very grainy close-up of Penny's flask.

 37.

DYSON
Experts identify it as a
thermodynamically insulated vessel.
Such vessels are utilized for the
transport of toxic nerve agents.

FAIRBANKS
Sir: isn't this a matter for the
Secret Service?

DYSON
Not according to the president.

POWELL
Sir: and the military?

DYSON
Senator Grant chairs the Armed
Services Committee. Said she'd prefer
it if Rose succeeded.

The lights come up. Dyson looks his gravest.

DYSON
Lady and gentleman. The contents of
that flask could ravage half the
population. Penelope Rose must be
stopped.

INT. PENNY'S HOTEL ROOM -- MORNING

Tom closes the door behind him with a THUD. He turns...

...and sees Penny wearing a hotel bathrobe, toweling her

hair dry as she stands adjacent to her huge bed.

TOM
(averting eyes)
Whoa! You said to come in!

PENNY
(tosses back her hair)
I'm not indecent, am I?

TOM
That depends what you're planning on
doing next...

PENNY
I'm sorry, but I can't get dressed
until my knickers are dry.
 38.

TOM
(looks in surprise)
Your what? I know High Card Pool
can be stressful, but --

PENNY
I washed them, Tom!
(off his blank look)
It's just one of those silly woman
things, we call it "personal hygiene";
don't worry about it.
(tosses towel O.S.
into bathroom)
How did your calls go, anyway?

Tom sits on the bed, but gazes politely away.

TOM
Well, I've fixed us up a car.

PENNY
(hopefully)
A fast one?

TOM
No, a regular, same-as-every-other-
car-on-the-road kind of car, one
that won't stand out. In blue.

PENNY
Don't you need to show a license to
hire a car?

She sneaks over to the bed without his seeing.

TOM
We're not "hiring", we're buying.
Well, my mother's buying.
(he notices Penny)
Don't do that!

PENNY
And I thought all Americans were
unembarrassable.
(smiles)
Wait -- your
(slight stammer)
mmmother is buying us the car? But
cars are expensive.

TOM
Uh, she doesn't mind -- she came
into some money recently.
 39.

PENNY
How did you explain why you wanted
it? Did you mention the...

She nods towards the wall.

TOM
(looks)
The mini-bar?

PENNY
No, the sperm that I've put inside
it, where it's nice and cool.

She gets off the bed and sashays over to the mini-bar.

TOM
(watching her sashay)
If I'd mentioned sperm to my mother,
I'd still be on the phone...

PENNY
(raiding mini-bar)
Did you mention me?

TOM
I had to. She'd have figured there
was someone soft and curvy involved
sooner or later -- how else could I
be in such a mess of trouble?

Penny takes a bite of what she's removed from the mini-bar,

and pulls a puzzled expression. It looks like chocolate, it
says chocolate on the label, but it tastes like wood chips.

PENNY
(shrugging)
So how far is it to Washington?

TOM
Only about three hundred miles.

PENNY
(horrified)
Only? Only three hundred miles?
That's like London to Edinburgh!
How can it be an "only"?

She sits beside him on the bed and passes him some chocolate.
He shuffles up to make more room, even though there's plenty.

TOM
Oh! It isn't only three hundred.
Forget I said it's only three hundred.
 40.

TOM (CONT'D)
It's nearer four hundred.

PENNY
Four hundred? Four? Hundred? Where
did the other hundred come from?
They suddenly moved Washington?

TOM
OK, let's try an analogy.
(goes to the door)
You stand over by the window.

Penny slinks to the window, a movement Tom wishes he didn't

approve of quite so much. The bed is now between them.

PENNY
Here?

TOM
OK, so imagine I'm where we are now,
and you're Washington, DC. Three
hundred miles apart. Only, the bed
is New York City.

INT. VAN -- DAY

Raph drives, while a recently-awoken Preston struggles to

put on some socks. He's the man for whom the word
"disheveled" was invented.

RAPH
So, I guess we try the airport first?

PRESTON
Damn, are these socks odd? Do they
look like odd socks to you? -- Hey!
Keep your eyes on the road!

RAPH
So what's our theory? Why is Newton
hanging out with this English chick?

PRESTON
No theory, we keep an open mind.
(yawns)
Even if I do hate him to pieces.

RAPH
I figure she used some of that math
stuff on his company's share price.
Boosted it up, got it on a roll so
everybody wants a piece.
 41.

RAPH (CONT'D)
When he sells, his three million is
suddenly three hundred million.
Bingo!

PRESTON
Well, you may not have an open mind,
but at least it isn't an empty one...

INT. BUSINESS CLASS -- DAY

Powell and Fairbanks occupy the same seats Tom and Penny had
yesterday. The flight attendant arrives with a cart.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Coffee? Tea? ... Cyanide pills?
FAIRBANKS
Coffee.

POWELL
Decaffeinated.

FAIRBANKS
Black.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
A cup each? Or are you the kind of
Siamese twins that share a stomach?

She pours two cups.

FAIRBANKS
Excuse me, ma'am, but did you see
this woman on a flight yesterday?

She holds up a photo. It's the one of young Penny.

The flight attendant holds out a tray with the cups on, and
studies the photo. The two FBI agents take their cups and
sip their coffee in unison.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Yes, she was sitting right here.
Like many people, she said "thank
you" when I brought her a drink.

POWELL
(unembarrassed)
Did she have with her a briefcase?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Did she ever! She even carried it
with her to the john.
 42.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT'D)

The last time I saw such devotion to
hand luggage, the guy had a sawed-
off shotgun inside and wanted us to
take him to Topeka.

Powell and Fairbanks give each other a knowing look.

EXT. AIRPORT -- DAY

Preston is showing a printed CCTV image of Penny to the limo

driver who took her and Tom downtown.

DRIVER
That's him! That is him.
(nodding)
That's the hormone junkie.
PRESTON
Where did you take, uh, him?

DRIVER
Twelfth and Main. Then despatch
said the real Blumberg and Kowalski
were still here.

PRESTON
Twelfth and Main? Great -- thanks!
(shouts to O.S. Raph)
OK, back in the van!

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- DAY

A vexed Dyson stands in the middle of the room while Brad at

the window and Olivia on the desk take turns to berate him.

BRAD
I completely agree with my wife. We
can not give in to terrorists.

DYSON
Then should I inform the media?

OLIVIA
Just what do you know about this
lone crazy? Who is he? Where's he
from? What's he look like?

DYSON
I -- I.
(shoulders droop)
Can't tell you anything concrete.
 43.

BRAD
So what would you say to the media?

OLIVIA
(kindly)
Bill, I know you're concerned. But
we need to know more before we can
panic all of DC and half of wherever
people think he'll strike instead.

DYSON
I'll work on it.

BRAD
Maybe you could find out exactly
what's in his flask...
INT. PENNY'S HOTEL ROOM -- DAY

The flask sits next to a fully dressed Penny on the bed.

She looks at the TV, pressing the remote control every second
to iterate through channel after channel of USELESS PROGRAMS.

Tom's head pokes round the door.

TOM
Reception called: the car's here!

PENNY
(offs the TV)
And I was this close to finding a
program between the commercials...

EXT. HOTEL -- DAY

A Ford Taurus painted the most screamingly noticeable shade

of aquamarine possible sits expectantly in front of the hotel.

PENNY
Does it come with free sunglasses?

TOM
She told me blue! That's not blue,
that's blue,
(points to sky)

An OLD WOMAN in a blue dress rounds a corner.

TOM (CONT'D)
that's blue,
(points to old woman)
but that, that's... Hideous!
 44.

PENNY
It's good camouflage for if we ever
need to hide in a swimming pool.

TOM
(resignedly)
Well if it gets us to Washington, I
guess...
(dangles keys)
So who wants to drive?

PENNY
Me me me!

She snatches the keys from Tom and substitutes them with her
flask.
She runs to the right-hand side of the car, opens the door,
gets in and feels for the steering wheel. That's odd, her
car at home has one... She looks to her left, yes, the
passenger has a steering wheel, where's the driver's?

She gets out of the car, runs back to Tom, takes back her
flask from his unmoved hand and replaces the keys.

PENNY
You you you!

They walk to the car, Tom giving her a consolation hug.

The old woman looks back from the hotel entrance. She makes
a "catch you later" gesture that Tom and Penny don't see,
then goes inside. Oh my word! It was Mr Knight in disguise!

INT. VAN -- DAY

Driving through the city, Preston is at the wheel drinking a

soda through a straw -- it's from the airport pizza stall.
He finishes it up with a GURGLE and tosses it into the pile.

RAPH
So why'd you give up newspaper work
for TV? 'Cause it's more visual?
'Cause people get to see you?

PRESTON
Because it's more superficial.
(off his puzzled look)
Son, I saw so many decent people
eaten alive by scheming DC rats,
hell, got so I was almost used to
it. Then, something happened and I
thought, that's it, I gotta get out.
 45.

RAPH
I -- Phil, I never realized. But
what was it, made you leave?

PRESTON
A certain travesty of justice: Grant
versus Meredith.
(shrugs)
Hey! Twelfth and Main!

INT. BOSTON AIRPORT -- DAY

Powell and Fairbanks march past souvenir shops and bars with
Irish-sounding names. They approach two men in dark suits
just like their own: MILHOUSE and O'CONNOR, fellow FBI agents.

MILHOUSE
Special Agents Fairbanks and Powell?

POWELL
Special Agents Milhouse and O'Connor?

MILHOUSE
M.I.T. experts have analyzed the
suspect's psychological profile.

O'CONNOR
They suggest that an English female
academic out to kill an occupant of
the White House with toxic nerve
agent in revenge for the death by
drowning of her brother would attempt
to do so in Washington, DC.

Powell and Fairbanks exchange an understanding glance.

O'CONNOR
(holds out an envelope)
Here are two business-class tickets
back to Washington. Good luck.

INT. BUSINESS CLASS -- DAY

Exactly as before.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
What is this? Groundhog Day?

EXT. HIGHWAY -- DAY

The bright blue Taurus is a real head-turner as it zips

along at exactly fifty-five miles per hour.
 46.

INT. CAR -- DAY

Tom drives, as huge truck after huge truck trundles past.

TOM
So you'll be walking right up to the
front door of the White House and
knocking? Or do you have a plan
where you don't get shot by marines?

PENNY
I'll let Libby and Brad know I'm
stuck, they'll figure out something.

TOM
But you can't phone them -- even
their private lines are screened.
"Hi, this is the sperm delivery girl,
special order for the president".

PENNY
No, you'll get your
(slight stammer)
mmmother to email them.
[email protected].

TOM
Are you nuts? They don't read those --
they get tens of thousands a day!
They have a scanning program to
compose stock replies based on keyword
matches. It's all automated.

A huge truck pulls along Penny's side of the car.

PENNY
Yes, and one of the keywords means
"This is from Penny, please forward
direct to the president."

TOM
(stunned)
That's ... a level of competence I
hadn't considered possible in the
context of United States government.

The huge truck is taking an unusually long time to overtake.

EXT. HIGHWAY -- CONTINUOUS

The huge truck paces the car. A hand gripping an odd-shaped

handgun reaches out.
 47.

PENNY (O.S.)
Well it was my idea, actually, so
don't be too impressed.

The truck's DEAFENING HORN sounds. Simultaneously, the roof

of the car bends and flexes as something FIRES into it.

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

TOM
(swerving)
What the -- ?

The huge truck slows down.

PENNY
(looking back)
Why did he do that? Is he a salesman
for heart attack remedies?

TOM
He's a trucker, who knows? Strange
voices on his CB tell him to do things --

INT. TRUCK -- CONTINUOUS

A HAND turns the dial on a curious device with weird aerials

and a speaker and wires and stuff.

TOM (O.S.)
(through speaker)
-- and he has to obey.

Embedded in the roof of the Taurus is a transmitter.

The hand makes a "catch you later" gesture.

INT. HOOCH'S BAR -- DAY

At their usual table sit Jake, Hotshot and Svengali. Raph

stands next to them, while Preston brings over a tray with
three pitchers of some god-awful cloudy brew on it.

HOTSHOT
(watching the pitchers)
Of course, we realize now she had a
powerful computer concealed someplace.

RAPH
And how much did she, uh, rip you
off by?
 48.

JAKE
(hurriedly)
Oh, next to nothing, we were onto
her pretty soon.

Preston places a pitcher in front of each of the three locals.

To Raph's disquiet, they eagerly quaff the contents.

RAPH
(still unsettled)
So is that, say, more than ten bucks?

JAKE
(wipes mouth on sleeve)
Uh, more than ten, yeah.

RAPH
More than twenty?

Jake looks to his partners, they're both nodding.

JAKE
More than twenty? Yes? Yes, I think
it was probably more than twenty.

PRESTON
More than fifteen hundred?

There is a ghastly silence.

JAKE
(uncomfortably)
Er, well, maybe fifteen hundred sounds
about right, huh guys?

SVENGALI
(nodding)
Fifteen hundred, 'bout, 'bout right.

RAPH
(hand on Jake's back)
OK, well thanks for your time fellas,
great helps. Enjoy your... that.

EXT. HOOCH'S BAR -- MOMENTS LATER

Preston closes the door.

RAPH
Did I imagine it, or were those guys
drinking piss?

PRESTON
No, piss is warm, that was cold.
 49.

PRESTON (CONT'D)
So, it's ten at night, you're from
out of town, you've been on the run
all day, you have fifteen hundred in
cash. What do you do?

RAPH
(nods)
OK, let's check out the hotels...

EXT. DINER -- DAY

The bluest car of all time pulls into the parking lot of
Family-Friendly Diner (TM) restaurant number eighty-seven.

TOM
(peers at building)
Looks cool. Want to break here?

PENNY
Please, I'd love a nice cup of tea.
But what they give me here when I
ask for one will probably do instead.

TOM
(unbuckling belt)
You're taking the sperm, of course?
We don't want some passer-by with a
portable DNA testing lab to bring
down the president....

INT. CLAUDETTE'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Claudette and Calhoun have their ears to a small speaker and

their eyes wide open at what they just heard.

PENNY (O.S.)
(through speaker)
A handbag, that's what I need; a
place to hide the flask so it's not
quite as obvious.

There is a CLANKING and SCRAPING through the speaker.

CLAUDETTE
(gleefully)
Joy of joys! The most popular
president on record is bring-downable!

PENNY (O.S.)
(through speaker)
What is that? Why would a sparrow
be wearing body armor?
 50.

TOM (O.S.)
(through speaker)
Maybe it heard what happened on our
flight yesterday. Just let me...

Claudette and Calhoun dive away from the speaker, hands to

ears, as a FEEDBACK WAIL of incredible volume lashes out.

EXT. DINER -- CONTINUOUS

From the device, Tom removes the ball-point pen with which
he disabled it (and, collaterally, the eavesdroppers' ears).

PENNY
The police in England don't have
equipment as sophisticated as that.
TOM
(examining device)
Neither do the police in America...

INT. BRIEFING ROOM -- DAY

Fairbanks and Powell stand, as Dyson paces back and forth,

shaking his head.

DYSON
No, it is not "just" a roadblock.
It's a roadblock of all Northern
approaches to New York City.

POWELL
If the suspect is headed for DC, she
has to drive through New York City.

FAIRBANKS
It would add another hundred miles
to her journey if she detoured round.

DYSON
She could already be in New York
City. You heard of the railroad?

Powell looks to Fairbanks, who nods.

POWELL
We'd like to modify our request for
a road block, sir.

FAIRBANKS
All major routes into Washington DC.
Including rail connections.
 51.

INT. HOTEL RECEPTION -- DAY

Raph observes as Preston leans on the counter and sweet-talks

the RECEPTIONIST. She's approaching middle-age and under no
illusions, but she's sufficiently grateful for the flattery
of a TV reporter to be putty in his hands.

RECEPTIONIST
Bluest car you ever saw. We're
talking capital B, capital L, capital
U, capital E here.

PRESTON
Surely not as blue as your eyes?

Raph turns his back -- it's more than mortal flesh can bear.
RECEPTIONIST
(smiling coyly)
Aw, you! Do you really think so?

PRESTON
And they picked it up around ten?

RECEPTIONIST
Yes, I had to sign for it.

PRESTON
And a tellingly confident signature
I'm sure it was.
(off her blush)
So I guess someone as good at her
job as you would have kept the
delivery docket?

RECEPTIONIST
(pleased)
Sir, I have it right here, just wait
a teensy moment.

She fishes about in a file cabinet below the desk, and

retrieves a yellow piece of paper.

PRESTON
(reading note)
Catherine Meredith.
(smiles)
So his mom bought it for him.

INT. DINER LOBBY -- DAY

Tom listens on the phone, one finger in his ear, while Penny
stands beside him. By the pained expression on Tom's face,
he can only be conversing with his mother.
 52.

TOM
(to phone)
OK, read that code word back to me.
(listens)
Yes, OK, yes. Yes that's right, Mom.
(listens)
Yes, she's here now. No, no I don't
think so. Ask? Uh...
(to Penny)
Penny, are you married?

Penny holds up her hand, showing a complete lack of rings.

TOM
(to phone)
No, she isn't married. Does -- does
she what?
(listens)
Uh, Penny, do you have any children?

PENNY
No. I'm quite sure I'd have noticed.

TOM
(to phone)
No, she doesn't have any children.
(listens)
Yes, she is sure.
(listens)
Well how would I -- ?
(sighs)
Yes, OK, I'll ask...
(to Penny)
She wants to know why not.

PENNY
Tell her I was so overcome with grief
when my brother died that I threw
myself into my work and never got
around to boyfriends.

TOM
(to phone)
Uh, you get all that, Mom?
(listens)
Yeah, OK, I'll tell her, yes, yes,
we'll be fine. OK, Mom, got to go,
love you.
(listens)
Yes, I'll change my underwear. OK,
must go, bye.

He hangs up, the relief on his face immeasurable.

 53.

PENNY
You'll tell me what?

TOM
Uh? Oh, she said that work stops
when you're on vacation.

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- DAY

Brad holds a framed snapshot as he stands by the window.

It's of Penny, smiling in front of the Lincoln memorial.

Olivia enters carrying a memorandum. She's wearing a

different outfit today, but it still has pants.

OLIVIA
(sniffs the air)
What's that smell? Did one of your
researchers overdose on cologne again?

BRAD
No, it's air freshener. Claudette
Grant was here earlier making strange
small talk about genealogy.

He stands the snapshot on the pride-of-place table behind

the desk.

OLIVIA
But she knows the Oval Office is
strictly non-smoking!

BRAD
She wasn't smoking, she was just
Claudette.

OLIVIA
(nods)
I take your point.
(raises memorandum)
Look, Dyson's request for a block on
every road into the city -- it's
ridiculous! He must only want one
or two watched and expects to haggle.

BRAD
(returning to window)
So I figured. When I pushed, he
indicated a preference for interstates
ninety-five and two-seventy.

OLIVIA
He thinks this lunatic with the nerve
gas will come from the North?
 54.

BRAD
(mildly concerned)
Libby, you don't suppose..?

OLIVIA
(reading his mind)
Penny?
(shakes her head)
Surely that's taking paranoia too
far....

INT. DINER -- DAY

Tom and Penny sit opposite one another, sipping coffee and
tea respectively. Prominent on the table is The Flask.

It's not much crowded here today, the Family-Friendly Diner

Corporation's current advertising campaign not generating
quite the same kind of buzz as the classics of '89 and '97.

TOM
(rising to feet)
Excuse me, I have to visit the
bathroom.

PENNY
Yes, conversations with
(slight stammer)
mmmothers can have that effect.

Tom leaves, in a hurry.

Penny looks around, aimlessly. Family-Friendly Diner eighty-

seven is as corporately homogenized as Family-Friendly Diners
one through eighty-six.

A WAITRESS appears and refills her cup.

PENNY
No, I didn't want --

WAITRESS
(shrugging)
So save it for later?

The waitress leaves. Penny considers for a moment, then

unscrews the lid of her flask. She looks inside, then pours
her tea into it and screws back the lid.

A MOTORCYCLE COP strides through the door: reflective shades,

dusty uniform, badly-advised mustache...

He stops at the restaurant's limited selection of candy bars,

eyes them for a moment, then makes his choice.
 55.

The CASHIER sits beside a display of wicker, briefcase-sized

picnic baskets, one of which is open to show the quality
selection of gaudy orange dining requisites within. Oh,
could that be a vacuum flask strapped in the middle there?

The cop approaches the pay point with a dollar bill. While
he's waiting, he glances around. He sees Penny.

Penny turns away, but too late -- he's coming over!

MOTORCYCLE COP
Excuse me, ma'am, but are you English?

Penny shakes her head.

MOTORCYCLE COP
Only, if you are, there's a seven
thousand dollar reward...

Penny shakes her head again, and looks hopefully to a door

that bears the symbol of a man. What's taking Tom so long?

MOTORCYCLE COP
(picking up flask)
Now hey, what's this? It looks like
one of them high-tech vacu-um flasks.
(he tests the lid)
Maybe I should open it?

Penny is about to say no, but thinks better of it.

MOTORCYCLE COP
Don't want me to, huh? Something
inside that a cop shouldn't see?

Penny really, really wants to say something, but if he hears

her accent she's doomed! Where's Tom?

MOTORCYCLE COP
OK, I'm taking this to headquarters
for analysis. Let's see your ID.
(no response)
Hey, you are English, aren't you?

They stare, eye to reflective lens. He won't give, she won't

give, he won't give, she won't give, he won't give -- oh
god, she's got to say something!

PENNY
(John Wayne accent)
The hell I am!

The cop juts his jaw, but, strangely, doesn't push it. He
withdraws and heads for the door, flask in hand.
 56.

He picks up his change from the cashier, glances back, and

gives Penny a "catch you later" gesture. Yes -- Mr Knight!

Tom appears in the meantime.

TOM
Hi, sorry I took so long, this guy
lost his phone down the bowl then
flushed his arm trying to find it.
(sees Penny's face)
What happened here?

PENNY
(shaking)
A -- a policeman, he recognized me,
I'm sure of it. It's just a matter
of time before --
TOM
(getting out money)
A disguise, we should get you a
disguise. Come on -- hey, the flask?

PENNY
The policeman took it, don't ask me
why, I don't know.

Tom holds out his hand. Penny takes it and stands. She
carries a padlocked picnic basket that was under the table.

PENNY
Tom, I -- you're so good...

She pulls him closer and looks into his eyes, exuding
vulnerability.

PENNY
Why are you helping me?

TOM
You already know.
(off her look)
Because you're a maiden in distress.

With Penny clutching Tom's arm and the basket, they leave.

INT. VAN -- DAY

Preston drives down the highway. Raph switches off the cell
phone.

PRESTON
How long have you had those kinda
contacts, Raph?
 57.

RAPH
They're not contacts, they're just
guys I met at college.

PRESTON
Guys who work for the phone company...
That makes them contacts.

RAPH
Whatever, they said that Meredith's
mom took a call from a pay phone not
a half hour ago.

PRESTON
And did they say which pay phone?

RAPH
A Family-Friendly Diner, about forty
miles up the road.

EXT. HIGHWAY -- CONTINUOUS

The Channel 24 van speeds towards the horizon.

INT. CLAUDETTE'S OFFICE -- DAY

Claudette has a phone in one hand and a nearly-finished cigar

in the other. Today's sartorial assault on the senses is a
blindingly yellow suit with a red lily pinned to the lapel.

CLAUDETTE
(to phone)
Yes, that's right, the whole legal
team. I want everything ready for
when the labs have run the tests.
(listens)
No, I don't know what they'll find.
I don't care so long as it discredits --
(draws on her cigar)
Yes, press releases, interviews, all
that PR roll-out... Just say I have
a serious announcement to make.
(nodding)
Five hundred thousand, to Knight
Security, when I give the OK.

She hangs up and adjusts the angle of her computer screen.

Is that a piece of cotton wool stuffed in her right ear?

She CLICKS the computer's mouse a couple of times, then stops.

Something seems to be unusually interesting... The more she
reads, the smugger she becomes.

She picks up the phone again and BUZZES her secretary.

 58.

CLAUDETTE
Page this message to Mr Calhoun...

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- DAY

A giggling INTERN with huge hair leaves just as Olivia

arrives. The two exchange glances as they pass in the doorway --
the intern's is self-satisfied, Olivia's is one of contempt.
Brad occupies his usual position by the window.

OLIVIA
How many times? Be careful! She
could have had an entire armored
division hidden in that hair!

BRAD
They wouldn't be going anywhere, the
amount of spray she uses.

OLIVIA
Never mind.
(dismissive gesture)
Good news! Penny sent us email.

BRAD
Penny? Is she OK? Not being bugged
by lawyers for a cut of her reward?

OLIVIA
She's being bugged, but not by
lawyers. It's someone with illegal
surveillance technology.

BRAD
That news isn't so good.

He walks over, frowning in thought.

OLIVIA
She hopes to be here with the goods
tomorrow, and asks what to do.
(sits on the desk)
My mind screams that she should stop
and go home, but my body...

BRAD
She wouldn't abort, she's Penny;
she knows what this means to you.
(puts arm round her)
What engagements have we tomorrow?

OLIVIA
There's the Italian ambassador in
the morning, then -- oh, aren't you
 59.

OLIVIA (CONT'D)
speaking at the Tall Women of America
rally in Baltimore?

BRAD
Damn, that's going to be hard to
cancel. Those tall women asked for
me months ago, they'd be real upset.

OLIVIA
Well we don't want to disappoint the
tall women, do we?
(sighs)
OK, I'll meet Penny alone. I can
sneak out after lunch when the secret
service guys get sleepy.
BRAD
With a killer in town? Honey!

OLIVIA
And your better suggestion is..?

INT. DINER -- DAY

Raph's attempts to sweet-talk the cashier are failing

miserably. Preston wanders among the tables, offering no
moral support whatsoever. The waitress takes an order.

RAPH
They were driving a blue car. That's
blue, uh, like your beautiful eyes.

CASHIER
My eyes are gray-blue. Not blue,
gray-blue. See?
(she shows him)
Gray-blue.

RAPH
Yeah, well the guy looks like this.

He shows her a photo of a surprised-looking Tom.

CASHIER
See, his eyes are blue.
(looks closer)
Or maybe they're brown? Or green?

RAPH
(sighing)
Well was he here or not? Maybe a
half hour ago?
 60.

CASHIER
How would I know? All you customers
look alike to me.

Preston arrives.

RAPH
For cryin' out loud, it was a half
hour ago! A half hour! Is your
attention span so short that --

PRESTON
(cutting in)
I'm sorry, ma'am, he gets like this
if he doesn't take his medication.

He holds Raph firmly by the elbow and leads him gently away.
CASHIER
Yeah, jerk! Take your medication --
I take mine!

RAPH
Phil, what -- what are you doing?

PRESTON
(low)
The waitress says some woman with an
English accent left twenty minutes
ago after a set-to with a traffic
cop.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM -- DAY

The lights down, a map of Washington and environs projects

on the screen. Dyson sits facing it, hands touching at the
fingertips in a gesture that the FBI body language course
describes as meaning "deep thinker".

Fairbanks and Powell stand either side of the screen,

outlining their cunning plan to capture Penny.

POWELL
We impose the road block at oh-nine-
oh-five tomorrow morning, for minimum
disruption to commuters.

FAIRBANKS
We maintain the road block until oh-
four-fifty-five.

DYSON
That's sixteen-fifty-five.
 61.

Powell and Fairbanks exchange a glance. Damn! He's smarter

than he looks.

POWELL
Associate Director Calhoun's
information indicates that the suspect
will arrive on Interstate two seventy
within this time frame. Window.

FAIRBANKS
Frame.

DYSON
Don't get me wrong. Presidential
consent to block one arterial road
into DC is easier to obtain than for
two or three. But where did Associate
Director Calhoun get his information?

Powell and Fairbanks look at one another. Isn't it obvious?

FAIRBANKS
From his sources, sir, of course.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL -- DAY

Of the hundreds of cars parked outside, only the newly-

arriving so-blue-it-hurts-your-eyes one makes an impression.

INT. SHOPPING MALL -- DAY

Tom yanks the reluctant Penny through the main doors, hoping
her natural shopping instincts will overcome her desire to
flee. She has the picnic basket.

PENNY
I can't do this, I can't do this!

TOM
Stop being so English!

They approach a hairdresser's.

TOM
OK, hair first!

PENNY
Hair? Not my hair, nooooo!

She clams up as he drags her through the salon's entrance.

 62.

INT. HAIRDRESSER'S -- DAY

You know how some people don't take off the old wallpaper
when they redecorate, they just add a new layer on top of
it? That's the make-up on the face of the blonde HAIRDRESSER
who's waiting for her next, lucky customer inside.

HAIRDRESSER
Hi! And what can we do for you today?

TOM
Take this woman, color her hair
blonde, and style it like she comes
from Wisconsin.

PENNY
Blonde? Please not blonde! It's so --
HAIRDRESSER
(fingers own hair)
It's so ... what?

PENNY
It's so, er -- so not me?

TOM
Precisely.
(to hairdresser)
How long does this kind of thing --

HAIRDRESSER
I'll have her back to you in fifty
minutes looking ten years younger.

PENNY
Younger? Hmm...

TOM
Hey, you pushed her vanity button!
What a great move!

HAIRDRESSER
Of course, sir. I'm a highly trained
professional.

INT. VAN -- DAY

Raph drives. Preston attacks the toasted sandwich and

pretzels he bought at the Family-Friendly Diner.

RAPH
So we're on the lookout for an
innocuous, dazzlingly blue car?
 63.

PRESTON
(between bites)
They gotta stop somewhere, they didn't
eat at the diner.

RAPH
But they're on the run, they might
not stop again until Washington.

At the mere mention of the name of that city of sin, Preston

nearly chokes on a pretzel.

RAPH
(concerned)
Phil, you OK?

PRESTON
(hands on dashboard)
Yes, yes...
(coughs)
Just went down the wrong way.

RAPH
What is it with you? Every time
someone says the W word, you flip.

PRESTON
(recovering)
Guess I just hate the place so much,
what happens there.

RAPH
Gimme a for instance.

PRESTON
You don't want a for instance...

RAPH
I do so too! For instance: what was
so bad with the Meredith court case
that you threw your career and moved
to Connecticut?

INT. HAIRDRESSER'S -- DAY

Penny has endured the Hairdresser's attentions with stolid

British resolve, for which she has been rewarded with a very
competent job. Her hair now looks almost natural blonde,
and like she's worn it the way it is for the past always.

She sits in front of the mirror with her eyes shut.

TOM
OK, you can open them now.
 64.

She opens her eyes. Oh.

PENNY
This mirror is faulty. It's showing
me someone else's reflection.

TOM
No, I think it really suits you!
(to hairdresser)
So what's next? A beautician?

MONTAGE -- PENNY'S MAKE-OVER

-- Tom pushes Penny into a beautician's.

-- Penny emerges looking at her freshly-varnished nails,

wearing make-up that now matches her new hairstyle.
-- Tom, waiting outside and sporting a new jacket, nods in
approval. He gives Penny a big, fat purse, but keeps hold
of the picnic basket himself.

-- Walking backwards, protesting, Penny finds Tom has

maneuvered her into a clothes shop. She's wearing the purse.

-- Penny stands outside the changing room in a variety of

different outfits:

-- Summery prairie dress

-- sweatshirt ("UNIVERSITY OF OXFORD") and jeans

-- jogging shorts and vest

-- all frills and flounces and huge earrings

-- 70s revivalist Abba groupie

-- leather and chains, keeping a cigarette at arm's length

-- like she's going to a wedding

-- 1960s mini-skirt and flower-power pantyhose

-- a mid-80s grunge look, big boots and all

-- a Libbyesque trouser suit -- this one could almost work

-- casual sweater, casual pants, casual shoes -- the winner!

INT. BOUTIQUE -- DAY

Tom, with Penny's purse under his elbow, and a SALES ASSISTANT
applaud. Bravo! Penny performs a mock curtsey.
 65.

She is almost unrecognizable from the Penny of yore.

TOM
(handing back her
purse)
That's the one! Absolutely perfect --
not that you weren't perfect before...

PENNY
Are you sure? Don't these trousers
make my hips look big?

TOM
No, Pen, they do not make your hips
look big -- and before you ask, they
don't make them look skinny, either.
PENNY
Only I haven't tried on that red,
velvet dress over there...

INT. VAN -- DAY

As before, with Preston looking even grimmer and moodier.

PRESTON
Meredith -- Newton as he now calls
himself -- was an I.T. consultant
hired by Senator Donald O'Hare.

RAPH
O'Hare? I remember him -- war
veteran, good guy. Didn't he resign
in some kind of scandal?

PRESTON
That's him, straight as they come;
he quit because he felt it was
ultimately his responsibility that
a pervert got on his staff.

RAPH
But what did Newton actually do?

PRESTON
(sighs)
O'Hare had an assistant, Claudette
Grant. Late one night in the office,
Newton goes nuts. He assaults her --
makes her perform all kinds of debased
acts. He does everything short of
actual rape.
 66.

RAPH
(shocked)
Damn, but those quiet-looking guys,
they keep it all canned up inside...

PRESTON
He took the fifth when it went to
court. Claudette was heroic in the
witness box, but without hard evidence
it was just her word against his.

RAPH
So he walked?

PRESTON
Yeah, he walked. For all Claudette's
courage, he walked.
(shakes head)
There's no such thing as justice.

His face says it all: but there will be, if I have anything
to do with it.

RAPH
And now she's a senator herself.

PRESTON
The party gave her O'Hare's
nomination, the only way it could
counteract the negative publicity.
(laughs cynically)
Her experience hasn't held her back,
anyhow: chair of the Armed Services
Committee, eyes on the presidency.
She's done OK.

RAPH
But so's Tom Newton. You think he's
out for revenge?

PRESTON
Whatever he's up to, it won't be
good. Remember, in Washington
hitting below the belt is the norm.

RAPH
We ought to warn Senator Grant.

PRESTON
Story first, then Claudette. That
way, no-one on Newton's payroll gets
the word out before we can nail him.
(he grimaces)
You still like investigative work?
 67.

Raph doesn't answer; he's beginning to have doubts.

PRESTON
Only, there's a bright blue Ford
Taurus parked at that mall...

INT. RESTAURANT -- DAY

Penny and Tom have just finished dessert.

PENNY
(John Wayne accent)
Why, thank you, ma'am.

She frowns, while Tom shakes his head.

PENNY
(Bugs Bunny accent)
Nyaah, thank you, kind sir.
(Shari Lewis/Lambchop
accent)
Thank you ev'ybardy.

TOM
OK, I'll qualify that question: can
you put on an American accent that
an American might actually use?

PENNY
But I'm hopeless at accents! Can't
I just pretend I've had my tongue
torn out in a black magic ritual?

TOM
You said "Connecticut" yesterday,
that sounded good.

PENNY
I was only copying you.
(Tom-American accent)
You said "Connecticut" yesterday,
that sounded good.

TOM
(staggered)
But that's just right! You sound
exactly like an American! Say
something else.

PENNY
(Tom-American accent)
But that's just right! You --
 68.

TOM
No, don't just echo me! Look, here
comes the waiter, order two coffees.

PENNY
But I want a cup of tea!

TOM
Think American. Americans drink
coffee. We gave up tea after Boston.

The waiter arrives. Like all waiters in their late 20s,

he's a bitter and twisted actor who hasn't had the breaks...

WAITER
Would that be two coffees, people?

He clears up the dessert dishes and looks from Penny to Tom.

Tom gestures that Penny is the one with the answer.

The waiter waits for her to speak.

PENNY
(Tom-American accent)
Er, yes. Two coffees.

WAITER
Two coffees it is, ma'am.

PENNY
(Tom-American accent
surprising herself)
Make those iced double tall skinny
raspberry mochas.

TOM
But I don't want --

PENNY
(Tom-American accent)
Tom, you do.
(smiles at waiter)
He does.

The waiter nods and leaves. Tom is looking stunned.

PENNY
I can't believe I said that!

TOM
I can't believe I heard it...
 69.

PENNY
(Tom-American accent)
You want American, dear -- you got
American!

Unless stated otherwise, Penny now speaks with an American

accent just like Tom's. Lord help her.

EXT. CAPITOL HILL -- DAY

Claudette trots up the steps accompanied by a squad of LAWYERS

and PR PEOPLE. She's on the phone, and she's not happy.

CLAUDETTE
(to phone)
Mr Knight, I told you not to open
the flask! Does "not" means something
different in your part of the world?
(listens)
Earl Grey tea?
(listens)
I have forty-three lawyers and a
team of medics on standby to prove
that the president is related to a
beverage?
(she stops walking)
Yes, OK, you can crash the damned
helicopter -- just get me that sperm!

EXT. SHOPPING MALL -- DAY

The Channel 24 van lurks four spaces away from the world's
only mutant production-line Ford Taurus.

INT. VAN -- DAY

Raph strokes the camera on his lap like it was a pussy cat.
Preston has somehow made himself TV-acceptable.

RAPH
(looks at watch)
It's been two hours, now, Phil.
Can't just one of us go look inside?

PRESTON
He has to return to the car
eventually. We wait, we get him.
(shrugs)
Trust the voice of experience.

RAPH
But -- Oh, hey, here he comes! And
with a new girl -- what a creep!
 70.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL -- CONTINUOUS

Tom appears through the doorway first, pursued by Penny.

He's holding the picnic basket -- ooh, she must trust him!

TOM
(low)
Care to explain why you embarrassed
me like that, Miss Personality Change?

PENNY
Promises made to parents are sacred.
You should never renege on them.

TOM
But telling the entire store that I
was wearing soiled underwear...
INT. VAN -- CONTINUOUS

PRESTON
OK, this is it! Let's do it!

Preston and Raph open their doors.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL -- CONTINUOUS

PENNY
It worked, didn't it dear? You bought
some new shorts.
(surprised)
Hey, I said "shorts" instead of
"pants" -- I'm getting good!

Preston strides up, with Raph filming from behind.

TOM
At least there's no chance that anyone
will recognize you now.

PRESTON
Mr Tom Meredith? Hi, I'm Phil Preston
for Channel 24 news.

Tom gapes: utterly, open-mouth stupefied.

RAPH
(to Preston)
What's with the picnic basket?

PRESTON
I wonder if you'd mind answering a
few questions -- such as, what's
with the picnic basket?
 71.

Penny swiftly puts an arm between Preston and Tom, then steps
forward as Tom steps back.

PENNY
Excuse me, but are you wearing padding
or a sporting appliance of any kind?

PRESTON
Er, no, ma'am, I'm not. Why?

Penny delivers a punch to Preston's groin of such power that

it's scarcely believable his balls haven't bounced into orbit.

Both Tom and Raph are mortified.

Both Tom and Raph are grateful that she didn't do it to them.
Tom takes Penny by the hand and drags her away with him.

PENNY
(as she goes)
Would you like to ask Mr Newton your
question again?

From the pitiful, barking noises Preston is making, it's

clear he won't be capable of dialogue for some time.

INT. CAR -- MOMENTS LATER

Tom tosses the picnic basket into the back as they get in.

TOM
(starting car)
My god, he's on his knees! That
must have hurt real bad!

PENNY
(looks at her knuckles)
It stung a bit, but I'll be fine.
Why did he call you Tom Meredith?

EXT. SHOPPING MALL -- CONTINUOUS

Raph helps Preston to his feet.

RAPH
When you said that hitting below the
belt was the norm, I didn't think...

PRESTON
(helium voice)
Damn ... female ... bodyguards.
 72.

RAPH
Let's get you to the van. Least we
know they won't get far.

EXT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

There's a Family Friendly Diner sandwich and who knows what

else jammed into the exhaust of the blue Ford Taurus.

INT. CAR -- MOMENTS LATER

Unusual SPLUTTERS are coming from somewhere as the engine

keeps missing and surging.

PENNY
(English accent)
It's the exhaust, beyond the silencer.
TOM
American.

PENNY
It's the exhaust, beyond the muffler.

TOM
They must have blocked it!

PENNY
(looking back)
Tom! They're after us!

TOM
Gee, if only this automobile had
three separate mirrors for the driver
to look in, I'd have known that.
(off her anxious look)
I'm sorry, I just...

The car SHUDDERS, and the engine CUTS OUT. Tom freewheels
it to a stop. They didn't even get out of the parking lot.

PENNY
If we run, they'll only follow.

TOM
Yes, but one of them can't run.

They exchange a look, then simultaneously open their doors.

EXT. LINE OF TREES -- CONTINUOUS

The pair scramble out where a small rise and a line of

screening trees prevent curious or incredibly poor drivers
from visiting the adjacent fields.
 73.

Penny opens a rear door and struggles to take the picnic

basket off the back seat.

TOM
No --

The sight and SOUND of the van bearing down distracts him.

Penny runs up alongside, picnic basket in hand.

PENNY
Come on!

INT. VAN -- MOMENTS LATER

Raph drives while Preston holds the camera -- he's too

sensitive to rest it on his lap. They watch through the
windshield as Penny and Tom run into the trees.

RAPH
Damn! We have to follow on foot!

PRESTON
Leave me, take the camera. This is
your show now, Raph.

Raph touches Preston on the arm, and gives an "I'll never

forget you" kind of look. He then tugs away the camera,
oblivious to the groaning pain this roughness causes Preston.

EXT. LINE OF TREES -- CONTINUOUS

Raph heads off into the trees, holding the camera by its
carrying handle.

EXT. SIDE OF FIELD -- MOMENTS LATER

Penny and Tom emerge from the trees to be confronted by a

wooden fence. Tom vaults over it, and helps Penny follow.

From here, the HIGHWAY can be heard, vehicles rushing past.

Penny and Tom head off across the dirt.

EXT. NEXT TO FIELD -- MOMENTS LATER

Raph comes through the trees about twenty yards from where
Penny and Tom did. He can see them racing off.

He levels his camera and films.

 74.

EXT. MIDDLE OF FIELD -- CONTINUOUS

Penny looks back and sees Raph with this big, black thing
with a handle that could be a bazooka for all she knows.

Tom gets ahead. Penny stumbles trying to catch up, but she
doesn't go down. Her purse falls from her shoulder -- it
looks like she'll abandon it but no, she hooks back the strap.

The sound of a HELICOPTER drowns out that of the highway.

EXT. NEXT TO FIELD -- MOMENTS LATER

Raph changes angle and films a four-seater helicopter as it

lands in the field, its down draft throwing a cloud of dust.

EXT. MIDDLE OF FIELD -- MOMENTS LATER

Penny and Tom can barely see for the dust nor hear for the
still-rotating BLADES.

The PILOT of the helicopter leans over -- visor, big

earphones, short-sleeved shirt with "ARMSTRONG" name badge.
He opens the door.

The billowing dust still blinds Penny and Tom.

PILOT (O.S.)
Sir? Ma'am? I'm here to help.

Tom's eyes clear. He can make out the pilot.

PILOT
We don't have much time, if you could
just step inside, please?

PENNY
Tom?

TOM
I'm here, Pen.

He takes Penny by the arm, leads her over. The pilot leans
across and helps them inside, then Tom shuts the door.

EXT. NEXT TO FIELD -- MOMENTS LATER

Raph films as the chopper takes off throwing up another huge

cloud of dust.

It flies directly over him, and heads away.

 75.

RAPH
(lowering camera)
I'll be damned...

He waves.

INT. CHOPPER -- DAY

The pilot sits in the right front seat, with Tom in the left,
looking out of the window. Penny perches behind Tom, the
picnic basket on the seat beside her.

TOM
... waving at us, can you believe
that?

PENNY
(brushing off dust)
You didn't tell me you had fans.

TOM
(nods at pilot)
You mean he's not one of yours?

PILOT
Can I check that I've picked up the
right people here? You are?

TOM
Tom Newton and --

PENNY
(hand on Tom's arm)
No, tell us who we should be.

PILOT
Tom Newton and Penelope Rose.

TOM
(relieved)
That's a --

PENNY
And who sent you?

PILOT
Why, the president, ma'am.

Penny looks at Tom, very worriedly. He and the pilot both

sense that "the president" was the Wrong Answer.

The pilot's polite demeanor disappears in a trice. He reaches

down the side of his seat and pulls a pistol.
 76.

PENNY
If "the president" was an OK answer,
you'd be Air Force One and this would
be yesterday.

PILOT
I hate these politicians, always
playing games...

He reaches back for the picnic basket, not taking his eyes
off Tom, who is evidently considering wrestling for the gun.

Penny snatches up the basket and hugs it tightly to her.

The padlock on it is plain to see.

PILOT
(to Penny)
I could just shoot you.

PENNY
Where exactly inside is the flask?
You want to risk hitting it?

The pilot grabs hold of the handle, and tugs.

PENNY
I won't let go.

PILOT
We'll see.

He kicks some kind of hidden lever under the instrument panel.

The door at Tom's side BLASTS off, and a mechanism under his
seat flips both the seat and Tom out through the gap.

Penny drowns in a wave of hideous anguish.

PILOT
He seemed fit enough. Maybe he got
hold of one of the skids? Maybe,
right now, he's hanging on, hoping
he can keep his grip just long enough
'til someone hauls him back up?

Penny looks him eye to reflective visor.

She doesn't hesitate. She releases the basket and scrambles

over to where the door was. She looks out.

EXT. CHOPPER -- CONTINUOUS

Tom, indeed, holds onto one of the skids, hanging on, hoping
he can keep his grip just long enough 'til someone hauls him
back up.
 77.

The chopper rises relentlessly. Cars and trees become tiny.

TOM
(shouting)
You're right, that falling from the
sky deal really sucks.

Penny, almost in tears, manages a short laugh at this. She

tries to reach him, but he's too far away.

She removes her purse and lowers it down for Tom to take
hold of. Tom seems a little more wary of grabbing it than
he ought to, but grab it he does.

The chopper sways violently.

INT. CHOPPER -- CONTINUOUS

Penny looks over to the pilot -- he's donned some kind of
peculiar parachute harness.

He gives her a "catch you later" gesture and jumps out with
the still-locked picnic basket. Yes! All along, it was ...
aww, you know the drill.

The chopper panics as it realizes it has no-one at its

controls.

Tom pulls himself onto the skid, but he still needs to hold
Penny's purse. Now, she's having a hard time keeping a grip
on it.

TOM
(shouting)
OK, I'm going to try to stand.

Penny closes her eyes and moans with superhuman effort.

EXT. CHOPPER -- MOMENTS LATER

Tom pulls himself up to a standing position.

INT. CHOPPER -- MOMENTS LATER

Penny rolls out of the way, letting go of her purse, relief

wrought on her face, her fingers white.

Tom tosses the purse inside first, then gets one arm in,
pulls himself up, finds a handhold for the other arm, and
drags himself through the doorway.

All this change to the center of gravity makes the chopper

lurch all the more.
 78.

PENNY
We have to land this thing.

She hops into the pilot's seat and makes to hold the direction
control stick (cyclic). There isn't one. She looks to the
passenger/co-pilot's seat. There isn't one there, either.

PENNY
He took the control stick! Tom!

Tom looks everywhere for anything.

TOM
He was a high-tech guy, this is a
high-tech chopper -- there has to be
something...
Penny pulls and pushes on the height control (collective).
The copter lurches up and down in response, violently.

TOM
He had the co-pilot's chair rigged...
(inspired)
An ejector seat!

He clambers over to Penny's seat and looks at the mountings.

PENNY
In a helicopter? We'd hit the rotors!

TOM
No, it has lateral thrusters, it
should throw us clear.

Penny gets out of the way so Tom can sit down first. She
plops herself on his lap as he pulls round the belts, then
she buckles them up. Tom stretches behind and takes hold of
her purse from where it fell.

PENNY
It's not built for two, it might not
be strong enough!

TOM
You're right. I'll get out.

He reaches to release the buckle.

PENNY
No!

She kicks at a black and yellow lever beneath the instrument

panel. The door BLOWS open and the whole machine tips
brutally in reaction to the ROCKETS which blast them outside.
 79.

EXT. NEXT TO FIELD -- CONTINUOUS

Raph films everything, with Preston also looking skyward as

he hobbles up alongside.

The ejector seat erupts from the side of the chopper, carrying
its occupants just wide of the rotors, before rockets
underneath it kick in and propel it upwards.

Subjected to such abuse, the helicopter gives up and spins

uncontrollably to the ground, finding somewhere just out of
sight where it can peacefully explode in a ball of flames.

PRESTON
You got it all?

A parachute opens, and the ejected seat begins its descent.

RAPH
Still rollin'.

PRESTON
(horrified)
What if someone was in that chopper?
We gotta help!

He sets off with a limp ("a limp what?"), across the field
towards the downed machine.

Raph looks at the camera amazed, like it was some parasite

controlling his body. He drops it in horror, then sprints
off towards the crash site.

EXT. MIDDLE OF FIELD -- DAY

The parachute, with ejector seat, Tom and Penny attached,

lands with a bump.

EXT. MIDDLE OF FIELD -- MOMENTS LATER

They look a little worse for wear, but aren't hurt. Penny
unbuckles the straps. Tom still clutches her tightly.

PENNY
You can let go, dear, I promise not
to run away.

Tom immediately does so, embarrassed and worried.

TOM
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I hadn't
realized I --
 80.

PENNY
Hey, I was only teasing!
(standing)
Good, this planet has oxygen!

TOM
(recovering)
No broken bones, that's nice. Boy,
am I glad I bought that new underwear.
(he stands)
How about you? You OK?

PENNY
A few bumps and bruises -- I won't
be recommending this theme park to
my friends.
TOM
So, back to the car? That burger in
the exhaust should be just about
done.

PENNY
(shakes head)
No, we may as well face those
reporters -- there's no point in
running any more. The bad guy won.

They set off walking, leaving the parachute fluttering behind.

Tom leads. He doesn't notice that Penny looks upset.

TOM
How can you say that? We're alive,
aren't we? Unless we died and we're
some kind of Sixth Sense ghosts.

Penny sniffles, and begins to cry, quietly.

TOM
(shakes head)
No, I don't feel like I'm a character
in a movie with a lame surprise twist
near the end...

They walk some more.

TOM
Of course, the realization that
someone really wants to kill us may
be distracting me.

When the witty response he expects still doesn't come, he

turns round, puzzled, to see Penny in tears.
 81.

TOM
Pen?

Quickly, he puts his arm around her and gives her a hug.

TOM
Hey, what's the matter?

PENNY
I -- I wanted to be an auntie!

She stops walking, buries her face in Tom's shoulder, and

SOBS her little heart out. Tom keeps on hugging and being
supportive, but it's a new, awkward experience for him.

Nevertheless, he did the right thing. Penny begins to pull

herself together, but she's still very upset.
PENNY
Tom, the rumors are true: Brad lost
both testicles in a golfing accident
when he was fifteen.

TOM
All those jokes about missing balls...
But Olivia wants children?

PENNY
(nods)
Brad figured that since my brother
Ashley died saving his life, if anyone
was going to make Libby pregnant it
ought to be him.

TOM
Ashley having conveniently made a
deposit at the sperm bank?

They start walking again, Tom still holding her close.

PENNY
All the boys did, it was easy money.
Well, except for Brad, of course...

TOM
So you know the president through
losing your brother... I see now
why you --

PENNY
No, no, I knew Libby already -- since
forever. We lived next door when we
were little, we were best friends.
 82.

TOM
Uh? But how can you have ever lived
over here when you don't know the
soaps and you never heard of brats?

PENNY
(sighing)
Libby lived in Oxford. Her parents
were professors. She was nine before
she moved to America, after her --
her
(slight stammer)
mmmother died.

TOM
She lost her mother at age nine?
(shakes head)
I -- I didn't know.

PENNY
There's a lot about Libby Hawks that
people don't know. She's a fun
person, she just has
(sobbing)
responsibilities.

TOM
(hugging her)
Hey, hey...

Penny recovers. He's getting good at this.

PENNY
She lodged with us when she came
back to Oxford for her PhD. Then
Ashley introduced her to Brad, whom
he'd met in a book shop.

TOM
So six days ago you visited the sperm
bank and made a withdrawal?

PENNY
(wiping tears)
I did. But not of Ashley's sperm.

TOM
(confused)
Uh? Not Ashley's? Then, whose?

They reach the fence. Tom isn't quite so athletic as he

crosses it this time.
 83.

EXT. SIDE OF FIELD -- MOMENTS LATER

PENNY
Then Larry's.

TOM
Larry's? Who the -- whoa! Wait,
Larry, the president's brother? The
one who died in --

PENNY
-- in a car crash, yes. It's his
name etched on the tubule. I had to
get a court order before they'd
release it to me.

TOM
This has to be some kind of medieval
law hang-over thing. They don't let
men through the gates of Oxford unless
they pay the Sperm Toll...

PENNY
An analysis ought to show a fifty
percent match between Larry and the
president, correct?

TOM
And as the presidential DNA is a
matter of public record, any lab
could run a comparison.

PENNY
But it wouldn't -- it wouldn't show
any relationship. An analysis of
Ashley's sperm, however, would.

TOM
(appalled)
Ashley? Your brother? But you're
English! That means the president
is English!

PENNY
Don't sound so affronted! If England
can manage with a German royal family
for two hundred years, I'm sure that
America can cope with just one English
president.

Tom takes Penny by the shoulders and looks her in the eye.
 84.

TOM
Penny, you have got to get that sperm
to the White House!

PENNY
(angry)
Tom, you think I don't know? You
think I don't know that? I tried, I
really tried, but I failed. Mister
(Mr Knight's gesture)
took it, I'll never see it again.
(starts to cry)
I've let everybody down. Libby,
Brad, my folks, everybody...

Tom pulls her close to him and they hug tightly. There's
nothing awkward about it this time.
TOM
You don't know, do you?

PENNY
I do, it's hopeless...

TOM
No, I mean you don't know what's in
your purse.

She unhugs, and stares at him wide-eyed in disbelief and

searing hope. She tears open her purse.

TOM
You said you wanted to put the flask
in a "handbag". So when I bought
you one, I transferred it.

She digs about, and pulls out the gaudy orange flask in a
mixture of astonishment and untold joy.

PENNY
Tom! Oh, Tom!

She gives him a huge hug and a kiss. She starts to cry again,
but this time the tears are those of happiness.

TOM
Hey, steady!

He gently pries her off him, which confuses her a little.

TOM
(laughing)
Come on, let's find that car.
 85.

INT. CLAUDETTE'S OFFICE -- DAY

As usual, Claudette jaws on the telephone and a cigar. She's

in a foul mood, so there's nothing new there, either.

CLAUDETTE
(to phone)
Yes, you heard it right, you're
through!
(listens)
I don't care that it had a Japanese
padlock! You screwed up!
(listens)
No it's not about killing the
helicopter -- it's about you. You
blew it once too often.
(listens)
Yeah, well I'd rather be an asshole
than what comes out of one.

She hangs up with a desk-shaking SLAM.

EXT. LINE OF TREES -- DAY

Preston and Raph emerge from the trees. Raph has recovered
his camera, and Preston has recovered his ability to walk.

RAPH
Yep, his car's gone. I guess we'd
better check the exhaust on ours...

PRESTON
I call dibs if they used the sandwich.

EXT. MOTEL -- NIGHT

The Taurus doesn't look so blue under the sodium lamps that
illuminate the parking lot. It pulls into a space invisible
from the road, and the ENGINE switches off.

INT. CAR -- NIGHT

Penny sleeps, her head resting on Tom's shoulder. She looks

ever so peaceful.

Tom moves a strand of her hair that's fallen across her face,
and is struck by how beautiful she is. He gives the hint of
a motion to gently kiss her, but stops. It's not right.

He COUGHS loudly instead, causing her to stir.

TOM
We're an hour or so from DC -- we
can drive it after breakfast tomorrow.
 86.

TOM (CONT'D)
I thought we'd stay here the night.

She looks up, smiling sleepily.

TOM
That's in the motel, not in the car...

She pulls herself up straight.

TOM
I'll also tell you why the TV guy
called me Tom Meredith.

PENNY
I was having such a nice dream...
INT. DYSON'S OFFICE -- DAY

Dyson has a big old desk covered in all manner of papers in

various trays. There's probably a computer under them
somewhere. There's certainly a phone, because it RINGS.

DYSON
(answers phone)
Dyson.
(listens)
Sir Alistair! Very well, thank you.
(listens)
You have? This soon? Well that's
terrific! Yes?
(listens, nodding)
A fertility clinic?
(listens)
Containing what?!
(his eyes dart)
Yes, yes. Uh, thank you very much.
I'd ... better go. Best wishes to
Lady Caroline.

He hangs up, frowning deeply, then a moment of thought later

he picks up the handset again and dials a number.

EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY -- DAY

Fairbanks and Powell talk next to their big, black, "I am an

FBI car" vehicle, while a number of uniformed police officers
swarm about preparing to implement a road block.

The FBI/police radio in the car BEEPS.

FAIRBANKS
(answering)
Fairbanks.
 87.

FAIRBANKS (CONT'D)
(listens)
Yes, director, we're ready to go.
(listens)
Cancel it? I'm sorry sir, but we're
unable to comply.
(listens)
I understand, no nerve gas assassin.
(listens)
Because we have orders not to remove
the roadblock until ten a.m.
(listens)
You can't countermand them, sir.
They were from a higher authority.
(listens)
No, I don't, other than we are not
to remove the roadblock.
She listens, then switches off the radio.

Powell looks to her. She nods, and Powell signals the police
to begin. She looks at her watch: "09:05:01".

EXT. HIGHWAY -- DAY

The monumental build-up of traffic tails back into last week.

There, in the middle, shines an easy-to-spot blue car.

INT. CAR -- DAY

By applying secret techniques known only to women, Penny has

maintained the make-over she received the day before.

By applying secret techniques known only to men, Tom has

forgotten to shave.

PENNY
We haven't moved for forty minutes.
Washington's rush hour must be truly
phenomenal if this is what missing
it is like.

TOM
The road's blocked. Probably two
groups of activists arguing over who
gets to riot first.

PENNY
(matter-of-factly)
I was once arrested for rioting.

TOM
You?
 88.

TOM (CONT'D)
(gapes)
I'm utterly staggered!

PENNY
The government planned a bad tax.
(proudly)
I was fined ten pounds.

TOM
But you're British. The British
don't riot -- you hate change!

PENNY
That's correct. In Britain we riot
to keep things the same.
Tom's expression freezes. He turns his neck slowly so he
looks dead ahead, then he bangs his head down on the wheel.

TOM
Please, traffic, move. She's starting
to make some weird kind of sense.

PENNY
I hope it listens. If this sperm
(patting her bag)
doesn't find itself at below seventy-
seven Kelvin tonight, it won't feel
very well at all.

TOM
I'll check the radio.

He pushes himself up and switches it on.

INT. VAN -- CONTINUOUS

Raph, at the wheel, leans back having just switched on the

radio. It's playing "LOLA" by The Kinks. He stretches.

PRESTON
Now that was a wasted seven thirty
alarm call. Wake me up when we move.

RAPH
I wonder how many soda bottles they
spilled this time?

A DRONE becomes noticeable, steadily increasing in volume.

Raph glances to Preston, who shrugs and opens his door. The
DRONE becomes consequently louder as he does so.
 89.

Raph instinctively reaches for his camera, which is on the

floor by the passenger seat, then he gets out too.

EXT. HIGHWAY -- CONTINUOUS

The DRONE is deafening now, with every motorist out of their

vehicle, shading their eyes looking East for its cause.

Raph raises his camera.

EXT. OVERHEAD -- MOMENTS LATER

A flight of fifteen military helicopters passes overhead in

an unusual, but definite, L formation.

EXT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

Tom and Penny look down and stop shading their eyes. Penny
smiles excitedly.

TOM
Aren't you supposed to be mentally
scarred by the sight of helicopters
after yesterday?

PENNY
(getting in car)
I've visited Washington only once
before, five years ago. Libby and I
arranged to meet at the Lincoln
Memorial. See? L for Lincoln.

TOM
That was a message?
(shrugs)
If you don't have a pager...

He climbs into the car.

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

TOM
So what time did you and Olivia meet?

PENNY
Three o'clock -- ages yet!

She turns up the volume on the radio.

RADIO
...at ten o'clock, and federal agents
have just announced that they are
lifting the road block that has
 90.

RADIO (CONT'D)
paralyzed Interstate two-seventy
this past hour.

INT. CALHOUN'S OFFICE -- DAY

The nameplate on the desk says "MARK CALHOUN, MBA", but he's
lounging with his feet on it in an easy chair, sizing up a
paper airplane he just made.

He's speaking on an olde red telephone with a loooong cord.

In his left ear is a piece of cotton wool.

CALHOUN
Yes, I know you're chair of the Armed
Services Committee, I put in the
bribes, remember?
(listens, nods)
The president had those choppers
buzz -- ?
(listens)
So, that's L for Libby, then. They're
saying "come to the White House"?
(listens)
But a ton of stuff begins with L!

He listens some more, then bursts into mocking laughter.

CALHOUN
What kind of sad jerk memorizes every
single photo in the Oval Office?
(listens)
Oh. No, I don't think you're a sad
jerk, not at all. Yes. It was a
stupid remark. Yes.
(listens)
But why go personally? Send Mr
Knight, you pay --
(listens)
I see... Well OK, I can watch the
White House.
(listens)
Yes, of course. I'll use Fairbanks
and Powell -- they're on the scene
and they do as they're told.

He throws the paper airplane. It crash-dives immediately.

INT. VAN -- DAY

The van is moving now. Raph is driving, and Preston is

smiling with the serenity of a condemned man.
 91.

RAPH
Here we are: beautiful, if humid,
Washington DC. And the world's bluest
car could be anywhere.

PRESTON
If Newton was expecting to arrive
two days ago, wherever he wants to
be, he'll go straight there.

RAPH
So the question is, where would a
crooked businessman with a picnic
basket full of cash and a connection
with a major senator be headed?

He looks at Preston, who nods, sagely.

RAPH
Capitol Hill...

EXT. HIGHWAY -- DAY

Powell uses the radio while Fairbanks speaks to the cops.

Traffic flows freely behind them.

POWELL
Yes, sir, we're just about done here.
The highway is clear of all units.
(listens)
A very blue Ford Taurus?

EXT. WHITE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

Calhoun and a couple of the FBI's finest HEAVIES stand in

front of the building where the tourists all like to take
their photos. He's the one speaking on a handset to Powell.

CALHOUN
Yes, very blue. It contains two
from the Most Wanted list.
(listens)

He doesn't see Dyson walk up behind, frowning. Dyson nods

to the heavies, who step back to a discreet distance.

CALHOUN
Plastic surgery! So when you see
it, I want you to stop the --

DYSON
(taking handset)
I'll take it from here.
 92.

DYSON (CONT'D)
(to radio)
Hello?

Dyson hands the angry and confused Calhoun an envelope.

DYSON
Ah, Special Agent Powell. Listen.
Disregard the instructions of, uh,
former Associate Director Calhoun.
(listens)
Covertly follow the vehicle he
described, but do not stop it or
detain its occupants.
(listens)
Keep me informed. Out.
EXT. HIGHWAY -- MOMENTS LATER

Powell offs the radio as Fairbanks materializes beside him.

FAIRBANKS
We're staying here?

POWELL
Very blue Ford Taurus.

At that moment, Penny and Tom drive past. What dumb luck.

Fairbanks and Powell exchange a glance, then wordlessly get

into their car to follow, Fairbanks driving.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER

Calhoun makes a scene, although what with the road block

earlier there aren't many tourists around yet to witness it.

CALHOUN
This is -- it's outrageous!

DYSON
It's procedure.

CALHOUN
You can't can me that easily, Dyson --
I have powerful friends.

DYSON
This
(reaches in pocket)
is a fully authorized warrant to tap
your security class Alpha telephone
line. And this
 93.

DYSON (CONT'D)
(from another pocket)
is why you won't be talking to your
powerful friends.

He's produced a mini tape player, and he switches it on...

CALHOUN (O.S.)
(on tape)
Yes, I know you're chair of the Armed
Services Committee, I put in the
bribes, remember?

EXT. CAPITOL HILL -- DAY

Claudette, in vivid green today with a hefty briefcase, leaves

the side of the building overlooking the National Mall.

Raph and Preston are standing on the road next to their van,
arguing with an OFFICIAL.

CLAUDETTE
Are you slobs a news team?

PRESTON
(looking up)
Sure, Channel 24 news. I'm Phil --

CLAUDETTE
Come with me, we're going to the
Lincoln Memorial.

A big, white limo with plain glass windows pulls up.

RAPH
We are?

CLAUDETTE
(impatiently)
Yes, we are. Jump into your little
van -- we have a president to expose.

She flows into the waiting limo.

RAPH
What's she talking about?

PRESTON
(shrugs)
No idea, but I'm betting Tom Meredith
is somehow involved...
 94.

EXT. PARKING GARAGE -- DAY

The bright blue Taurus pulls up at the barrier. Tom takes a

ticket, the barrier rises, and in they go.

Seconds after they're inside, Fairbanks and Powell's car

arrives. Fairbanks shows her warrant card to the ticket
machine, and the barrier rises in compliance.

INT. CAR -- DAY

Tom and Penny have found a spot to park.

TOM
Oh-oh, my breakfast just wore off.
How about we eat before discovering
what Mrs Hawks has arranged for us?

PENNY
My last meal before surrendering to
the cops...
(sighs)
So long as it doesn't involve brats.

TOM
Or iced double tall skinny raspberry
mochas.

INT. DINING ROOM -- DAY

Olivia and Brad wave goodbye to the ITALIAN AMBASSADOR. The

dining table where they just ate is large, draped in
immaculately-pressed cloth and carrying a ton of silverware.
As, coincidentally, is the Italian Ambassador.

BRAD
(loudly)
Arrivederci!
(low)
An Italian who doesn't like pasta?
Is he for real?

OLIVIA
He ate four helpings of the zabaglione
and kissed me behind the ear.

BRAD
I guess he is, then.
(looks at watch)
OK, well I'd better head off for
Baltimore and the Tall Women.
 95.

OLIVIA
And I'd better stay home watching TV
the whole afternoon.

They smile, and kiss with genuine affection.

INT. CAFETERIA -- DAY

Fairbanks and Powell are at one side of the room, observing

Tom and Penny eating at the other. Fairbanks is on the radio.

FAIRBANKS
(to radio)
We're in the cafeteria of the National
Air and Space Museum. The male
suspect is eating a starter of ...
POWELL
Waldorf.

FAIRBANKS
... Waldorf salad. The female suspect
went for the soup du jour.

A loud SHOUTING can be heard through the radio. It's Dyson's

voice, but his words are (thankfully) indistinct.

FAIRBANKS
Less detail, yes sir, of course.

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- DAY

Claudette leads Preston and Raph up the steps at the front.

There are lots of late-arriving tourists milling about now.

Raph carries his camera, but doesn't use it -- he's in awe

of the building. Abe's statue is right up ahead.

RAPH
Beautiful... Just beautiful.

CLAUDETTE
Are you kidding? He's plug ugly!
With a face like that, I'm amazed he
wasn't shot sooner.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE -- DAY

A heavily disguised Olivia -- wig, dark glasses, omigod a

skirt and sleeveless top -- enjoys her freedom.

Her portable phone RINGS. Aww for shoot! --

She reaches into her bag, retrieves the phone, and answers.
 96.

OLIVIA
(listens)
Yes, Mr Dyson, I have gone for a
stroll.
(listens)
No, Mr Dyson, I will not tell you
where I am headed.
(listens)
Yes, Mr Dyson, I have told my husband.
(listens)
Yes, Mr Dyson, I have deactivated my
phone's global positioning
transponder. And, because I am aware
how quickly cellular radio signals
can be triangulated, I shall shortly
be deactivating the rest of it, too.
(listens)
Five o'clock at the latest.

She switches it off, smiling. Oh sweet land of liberty!

EXT. MUSEUM -- DAY

Tom and Penny come out on the traffic side of the building.

TOM
Yes, we could walk it, but in this
humidity that's what cabs are for.

PENNY
Perhaps the next time America needs
a capital city, someone will think
not to build it on a swamp.

TOM
(making the gesture)
Taxi!

EXT. MUSEUM -- MOMENTS LATER

Powell and Fairbanks are in non-telepathic discussion as

they watch Penny and Tom get into a cab a few yards away.

POWELL
Taxicab rides are a level C expense.

FAIRBANKS
Is this pursuit hot?

They exchange glances, and nod.

POWELL
(making the gesture)
Taxi!
 97.

EXT. NATIONAL MALL -- DAY

Libby stops, pulls some sunscreen from her bag, and applies
it to her arms and nose. Mad dogs and Anglophiles go out in
the mid-day sun.

Smiling, she heads towards the Washington monument.

She's just one of many, many, many people enjoying the day.

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- DAY

Raph sits on the steps doing his impersonation of Lincoln's

statue while Preston captures it on camera for posterity.

CLAUDETTE
Will you two stop that? I don't
want you running out of tape!

She lights a cigar and smiles artificially at nearby tourists.

EXT. NEAR LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- DAY

Penny and Tom's taxi drives away. Tom looks at his watch.

TOM
We're a few minutes early, but hey!
While we wait, we can check that our
pennies aren't counterfeit!

He fishes a penny from his pocket and looks at the tails

side, then at the memorial.

TOM
This one's good.

He suddenly grabs hold of Penny by the shoulders and looks

at her, then at the memorial, too.

TOM
Not sure about this one.

They laugh.

As their eyes meet, melancholy smiles replace the laughter.

TOM
The world changes when we reach those
steps...

PENNY
And us? Must we change with it?
 98.

EXT. NEAR LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- MOMENTS LATER

The FBI have also arrived, but the TAXI DRIVER is still
waiting to be paid. Fairbanks hands him a credit card.

FAIRBANKS
Sorry, we're not tip-authorized.

TAXI DRIVER
Cheapskate FBI, huh? CIA always
give a tip, why can't you guys?

FAIRBANKS
I'm a girl.

TAXI DRIVER
Uh? Oh, so you are.

INT. HALL -- DAY

Brad steps onto the podium to rapturous APPLAUSE from the

Tall Women of America. They love him! He's all smiles,
waving, and the clapping just goes on and on.

BRAD
(into microphone)
What a fantastic reception! I wasn't
expecting a -- a standing ovation!

The applause CUTS OFF instantly. A chair SCRAPES at the

floor.

The Tall Women of America are all seated.

EXT. NEAR LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- DAY

Penny and Tom approach, then stop. Raph, Preston and

Claudette are clearly visible, and scanning all directions.

PENNY
Tom, please tell me those people
don't look familiar...

TOM
But -- but this isn't true! The TV
man is with Claudette Grant!

PENNY
She's the one you told me about?
Why you had to change your name?
 99.

TOM
(steps back)
Maybe we should wait until we see
what Olivia ... has ... planned.

Raph has shouldered his camera and is pointing it at them.

PENNY
(resignedly)
Too late?

She looks behind. Powell and Fairbanks are nearing.

PENNY
Would those robo-suits be cutting
off our retreat, by any chance?
EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- CONTINUOUS

Claudette struts around. She sees Raph filming the approach

of Tom and Penny.

CLAUDETTE
What are you doing with that camera?
Didn't I tell you not to --

She spots Fairbanks and Powell coming up, too.

CLAUDETTE
No, wait, keep going -- this is who
we're waiting for.

She drops her cigar and grinds it into the pristine floor.

RAPH
(to Preston)
It's him -- you were right!

PRESTON
(to Raph)
But where's the money? Why does she
need us?
(frowns)
Keep shooting...

Tom and Penny arrive for the showdown.

PENNY
(to Preston)
Hi again. Walking better today?

PRESTON
Yes -- and wearing a kevlar jock-
strap, too.
 100.

CLAUDETTE
(butting in)
OK, hand it over!

PENNY
You'll have to narrow that "it" down
to something more specific than the
infinite number of things it could
refer to at the moment.

CLAUDETTE
You know exactly what I mean -- that
sperm you have in your bag!

RAPH
(low, to Preston)
You were lucky she only punched you...
PRESTON
(low, to Raph)
Just keep filming -- Claudette hasn't
recognized him. This is all wrong...

Fairbanks and Powell arrive. Although the sun beats down,

they're not breaking sweat at all in their FBI suits.

CLAUDETTE
Ah, Special Agents Fairbanks and
Powell, if I'm correct?

FAIRBANKS
He's Powell.

POWELL
She's Fairbanks.

CLAUDETTE
(smiling nauseatingly)
Would you be so kind as to arrest
this woman, please?

Fairbanks and Powell exchange a glance.

FAIRBANKS
On what charge?

CLAUDETTE
She's carrying a container of sperm
which proves that the president is
guilty of a high crime and
misdemeanor, or maybe even both.

The agents and Penny are shocked to their bones, albeit for
different reasons.
 101.

Raph is getting it all on camera.

POWELL
That may be true, Senator Grant, but
we can't arrest her for it.

CLAUDETTE
So? You can at least impound the
sperm as evidence, can't you?

They exchange a glance.

FAIRBANKS
Yes, that's possible, but we'd need --

Claudette produces a sheaf of papers from her briefcase with

a flourish.
CLAUDETTE
Here are the necessary legal forms --
(smiles to camera)
-- warrants, subpoenas, things with
Latin names...

She hands them the papers. They start to read.

CLAUDETTE
Just take the sperm straight to my
lawyers, their addresses are on the
documents. All of them.

POWELL
Everything looks to be in order,
senator. We can indeed impound the
evidence as requested.

CLAUDETTE
Well..? So impound it then!

Penny steps back into Tom's arms, and he hugs her

protectively. Preston is very surprised -- doesn't she know
what kind of a guy he is?

FAIRBANKS
(to Penny)
Ma'am, we have information that
indicates you may be in possession
of materials deemed evidence in an
upcoming impeachment trial.

POWELL
We require you to hand such over.
 102.

PENNY
(defiantly)
I won't.

She looks into Tom's eyes for support. He smiles her it.

Preston shakes his head.

RAPH
(low, to Preston)
Who's the bad guy here?!

Preston cuts him off with a gesture.

PENNY
I'm a British citizen, and I insist
on speaking to the British Consul.
CLAUDETTE
You don't sound British to me! You
sound ... New England!

PENNY
Uh? Oh!
(English accent)
I do apologize, is this better?

Penny's default accent is her English one from now on.

Tom seems to be distracted by the tourists behind Claudette.

FAIRBANKS
Ma'am, we will issue you a receipt
for the sperm.

POWELL
And you can contact the British Consul
at your earliest convenience.

TOM
(suddenly)
Wait! She has diplomatic immunity!

CLAUDETTE
No she doesn't.

PENNY
No I don't.

TOM
Yes you do, the president appointed
you a diplomatic courier.
 103.

PENNY
(concerned)
Tom!

CLAUDETTE
(laughing)
No way! Where's your proof?

POWELL
We do require corroboration, sir.

CLAUDETTE
Agent Powell, seize that sperm!

TOM
(to Powell)
No, don't, it's true -- ask the
president!

CLAUDETTE
Well in case you didn't notice, sonny,
the president isn't here.

Olivia steps forward, removing her sunglasses and wig.

OLIVIA
I think you'll find she is.

Everyone but Tom is thunderstruck.

PENNY
Libby?
(joyously)
Libby!

She runs to Olivia in delight and the two embrace. Tears of

happiness begin to flow.

OLIVIA
Penny, look at you! You look great!

PENNY
Libby, Libby! I have so much to
tell you!

They hold each other tightly again.

Claudette has walked up to Fairbanks and Powell.

CLAUDETTE
(to Powbanks, angrily)
Are you two just going to let this
happen?!
 104.

POWELL
She is the president, senator.

FAIRBANKS
So yes, we are.

Preston suddenly steps up to Claudette, taking a mike from

his pocket while giving Raph a signal that says "trust me".

PRESTON
Senator Grant, is it true that you've
attempted to acquire frozen sperm
before?

CLAUDETTE
(shocked)
What? No! Of course it's not true!
Why, the very suggestion --

PRESTON
Only rumors abound that you put it
on a stick and suck it like a
Popsicle.

Penny and Olivia turn in mutual amazement to watch this.

CLAUDETTE
(protesting)
I do not! What is this?

PRESTON
A lot of viewers will be wondering,
senator, just what it is about the
taste of sperm that you like?

CLAUDETTE
(disgusted)
Icky-ick! How would I know? I've
never tasted sperm in my life -- nor
do I ever want to!

PRESTON
(to Raph)
Was that clear enough?

Raph makes a "so-so" gesture with his hands.

PRESTON
(to Claudette)
Would you like to say that again for
the camera?
 105.

CLAUDETTE
(indignant)
Sure... You pervert.
(she takes the mike)
I hereby state, categorically, that
at no time in my entire life has
sperm ever passed between these lips
of mine -- and I'll sue anyone who
suggests otherwise!

PRESTON
(taking back mike)
Are you sure?

CLAUDETTE
I'm most certainly sure!
PRESTON
Thanks! Of course, that would mean
you were lying at the Meredith trial.

Claudette freezes, eyes wide with the awful realization that

she just screwed herself over...

TOM
I think I feel a counter-suit coming
on...

CLAUDETTE
Is that -- Thomas Meredith?!
(twitches weirdly)
No, I can explain, I was, I was --
help me someone?!

PRESTON
(to Raph)
You know, that felt good!

OLIVIA
Special Agents Powell and Fairbanks,
Senator Grant seems in need of
assistance. If you could perhaps
convey her to her lawyers?

Fairbanks and Powell nod, and lead off the stunned Claudette.

EXT. NEAR LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- CONTINUOUS

Claudette walks like she's experiencing gravity for the first

time.

POWELL
Special Agent Fairbanks, do I know
your first name?
 106.

FAIRBANKS
B.J.

POWELL
Really? Mine too!

CLAUDETTE
(confused)
What pretty flowers...

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- MOMENTS LATER

TOM
(to Preston)
I don't know how to thank you for
what you just did. It's as if I've
been relieved of a tremendous burden.
PRESTON
Yeah, well, maybe I've relieved myself
of one, too. But what really happened
that night between you and Claudette?

TOM
She tried bribing me to make it appear
O'Hare was embezzling. When I refused,
she hit her face with a keyboard,
tore at her clothes, then ran to
security screaming assault.

PRESTON
So, uh, why didn't you say this in
court?

TOM
Because it's wrong to accuse people
without any evidence.

PRESTON
But you could have gone to jail!

PENNY
(Eyes wide)
Jail!
(shouting to FBI)
No, FBI people, wait!

EXT. NEAR LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- CONTINUOUS

Powell and Fairbanks turn round, but don't move to return.

A firm hand from Fairbanks stops the bewildered Claudette

from wandering off.
 107.

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- CONTINUOUS

PENNY
(shouting)
I wish to relinquish my diplomatic
immunity for the specific crime of
manslaughter, which I committed two
days ago at some dumb airport in
(American)
Connecticut.

As one, the tourists at the memorial stop and stare at her.

PENNY
(to tourists)
Want me to commit some more?
They instantly return to being entranced by architecture.

PRESTON
Manslaughter? Connecticut?
(he frowns)
Darken the hair, add a business suit,
the English accent... You don't mean
Mikey Zale, do you? The guy who
fell from a balcony?

PENNY
After I assaulted him with a thief-
resistant briefcase, yes.

PRESTON
(laughing)
Well one, he's not dead, and two, he
was an escaped cop-killer. You're a
heroine, you get a reward, the works!

Penny stares at Preston a moment.

PENNY
You're the man off the TV news in
the bar.
(shouts to FBI)
It's OK, false alarm!

Fairbanks and Powell take Claudette out of sight.

PENNY
A reward! How much? Am I rich?

PRESTON
I think it's about ten grand now.
Not in the same league as Mr three-
hundred-million here, but a start.
 108.

PENNY
What?
(looks at Tom)
Him?

PRESTON
He's a multimillionaire, didn't he
tell you?

Penny gapes open her mouth, but words won't come out.

PRESTON
I guess not...

PENNY
(still amazed)
Tom! Is this true? Are you the
richest person I ever met?

TOM
Er, it might be?

RAPH
(to Preston)
Damn! There goes my share-price
theory...

PENNY
But why didn't you tell me?

TOM
(embarrassed)
It would be boasting. I didn't really
do anything, I just worked hard every
day for ten years and it ... happened.

PENNY
(happily)
Oh Tom, if I didn't love you already,
I would have fallen for you right
now.

She hugs him.

PRESTON
(to Raph)
Isn't it great when that happens?

TOM
(astonished)
You -- what? Oh but this is -- !
You love me? That's just -- but
this is, oh yes! Penny, I feel the
same way about you!
 109.

PENNY
English.

TOM
(Penny-English accent)
Penny, I love you.
(American)
I can't believe I said that!

PENNY
(beaming)
I can't believe I heard it...

They embrace some more. Over Penny's shoulder, Tom sees

Olivia, waiting patiently and smiling happily. Oh dear...

TOM
(sadly)
Er, Pen, don't you have something to
explain to Madam President?

PENNY
(turning, hand to
mouth)
Oh! But Libby, I have some terrible
news!

OLIVIA
(nodding, stoically)
Don't concern yourself, Penny. It
was a long shot anyway; Brad and I
will be OK, sperm or no sperm.

PENNY
Oh I have the sperm.
(takes it from bag)
Only, it's your brother's.

OLIVIA
My brother's? Larry's? You brought
me Larry's sperm?
(she's confused)
But I can't use my own brother's
sperm for IVF...

PENNY
But that's what's terrible, you can --
Larry wasn't your brother. Ashley
was your brother. It was only when
I told my mother I was getting you
Ashley's sperm that she confessed.
 110.

OLIVIA
(with dread)
Confessed to what?

PENNY
(to Raph)
Could you stop filming, please?

Raph looks to Preston, who nods. He lowers the camera and

switches it completely off. Penny smiles at him as best she
can, in appreciation.

PENNY
Libby, we were switched at birth.
By the time our parents realized,
they loved us so much they didn't
want to swap back. So they kept us --
but they didn't tell us, in case
that stopped us from loving them.
They didn't tell anyone.

OLIVIA
My mom ... wasn't my mom?

She's visibly upset. Penny's tears begin too -- for Libby.

PENNY
Shortsightedness runs in my mother's
family. Everyone needs glasses from
being a baby. Except me.

OLIVIA
(murmuring)
I've had myopia all my life...

PENNY
So I couldn't let you use Ashley's
sperm. But as Larry had also donated
sperm, and a DNA test proved I was
his next of kin...

OLIVIA
But -- So I'm English?

PENNY
Natural born. And I'm American.

Olivia draws herself up, momentously, looking every inch the

president. She knows full well the gravity of this news.

OLIVIA
I'll call the vice president and
hand over immediately. The Supreme
Court will have to rule on my status.
 111.

OLIVIA (CONT'D)
(to Preston)
Sir, if you'd like to do a Pulitzer-
winning interview shortly, I'm sure
Mr Meredith will lend you his jacket.

INT. BUSINESS CLASS -- DAY

The usual seats, the usual flight attendant. Penny has kept
the new hair and face, but has dropped the Captain Casual
outfit.

PENNY
You'll love it in England -- the tea
tastes of tea! And my parents are
so sweet, they'll adore you to pieces.
TOM
Hey, isn't it about time for the
State of the Union address?

He starts to unpack the screen from the chair arm.

TOM
If I'm going to spend two months in
the land that gave the world the
Teletubbies, I need every fix of
U.S. culture I can get...

PENNY
U.S. culture -- now there's an
oxymoron...

She gets out her little screen, too. The other passengers
already have theirs in position, but then they're not in
love...

The flight attendant arrives, bearing a red rose.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(gives Penny the rose)
This is for you, an anonymous gift.
Don't eat it all at once.

PENNY
That's nice, I wonder who sent it?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Did I say it was an anonymous gift?
I meant to say it was an
(loudly)
anonymous gift.

She leaves. She has many other passengers to abuse.

 112.

Penny eyes the rose with great suspicion.

TOM
A secret admirer? So isn't a non-
secret one enough for you?

PENNY
With a surname like mine, I've come
to know a lot about roses...

She opens up the wide bit just behind the head, and finds a
small electronic device with an aerial threading the stalk.

PENNY
(handing it to Tom)
Tom, can you do that thing you do
with a pen?

Tom produces a pen from nowhere, and fiddles with the bug.

There is a sudden WAIL of pain.

A GUY across the way leaps from his seat, tearing off his
headset and pounding on his ears.

The flight attendant storms over to him, pausing only to

take a pair of handcuffs from her cart.

Penny gives Mr Knight a gesture, "catch you later".

TOM
(looking at screen)
Pen! It's starting!

They settle down to watch history being made.

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- DAY

On the screen, Olivia looks like she just threw up. She
peers over the top of her glasses like a schoolmarm, then
begins, deadly serious.

OLIVIA
My fellow Americans...

She frowns, and glances down at her notes.

When she looks back up she is beaming the biggest smile ever.

OLIVIA
... I'm going to have a baby!
 113.

INT. BUSINESS CLASS -- MOMENTS LATER

A cheer goes up throughout the plane, and the passengers

burst into spontaneous applause. Tom and Penny smile happily
at both the news and the warmth of the reaction.

People are still whistling and cheering as Tom and Penny,

close into a clinch, bring their lips together, and begin a
kiss that will last for the next hundred years...

FADE OUT: