Getting Schooled in Stereotypes: Thank You, Lewis & Clark
Getting Schooled in Stereotypes: Thank You, Lewis & Clark
Getting Schooled in Stereotypes: Thank You, Lewis & Clark
FEATURES
BY URSULA ARHART
STAFF WRITER
One first years take on unexpected instances where Lewis & Clark has provided moments warranting genuine and ironic thanks. On the day I moved in, I was walking down my hall, taking it all in, when I noticed a nice box of tea attached to the wall. Wow, free tea, how sweet! I thought to myself, but when I went to investigate the variety of free tea, it wasnt tea at all. My RAs had put free condoms in a tea box on the wall of our dorm. Thank you, Lewis & Clark. Imagine lying in your bed late at night and hearing that your friends just went downtown on a mission to get a bucket of Voodoo Doughnuts. Youre starting to feel that its-way-too-late-to-eat-and-Imabout-to-fall-asleep-but-manIm-starving feeling. My girl Ajna was experiencing this exact pain one studied-out night when there was a knock at her door. It was Jeremy! With a bucket of Voodoo Doughnuts! Thank you, Lewis & Clark. A friend and I were taking a study break walk around the gardens when our hunger spiked. Nearing the end of the stroll, we stumbled upon some majestic-looking vines. Of course they happened to be grape vines ripe with fresh, wild grapes. Thank you, Lewis & Clark. I was working on my first college essay at Maggies, my attention span at an all-time low and not knowing how to distract myself without still being completely bored. I looked out the window toward the stairs when I noticed someone walking alone but having a pretty intense conversation. There didnt seem to be anyone she was talking to, nor was there a cell phone in her hand. She was only having an animated conversation with herself. Needless to say, I was entertained. Thank you, Lewis & Clark. Everyone comes to college thinking about the upperclassmen and being slightly afraid that they will be scrutinized and teased. Here, the sophomores led the freshman around throughout orientation and the first week, telling them about all the best chill spots and gettogethers. They were also just genuinely interested in meeting everyone and having conversation. Thank you, Lewis & Clark. Sitting in the Platt-East lounge, a wanderer from PlattWest walked in to say hi. No stranger to these grounds, he waltzed in playing the didgeridoo. Thank you, Lewis & Clark. We have to walk through a forest to get just about anywhere on or off campus. Thank you, Lewis & Clark.
Get ready, Lewis & Clark; the class of 2017 has spoken. From the jocks to the hipsters and everyone in between, we all drove up Palatine Hill to begin NSO week with stereotypes of LC in mind. Now that weve been Pioneers for three weeks, its time to see if those impressions hold true. Weve compiled a list of quotes from various first-years; some are bound to make you laugh while others fall on the serious side of things, but we promise theyre all candid and sincere.
What can I say to break the ice with a guy? Love, Wish-I-had-an-ice-pick Dear Wish-I-had-an-ice-pick, Well, when I was beginning my freshman year at college, trying to break the ice with a girl meant waiting until she broke the ice first. But, even though Im gay, I sought guidance from the beacon of straight sex advice that is Cosmopolitan magazine. While most of their advice doesnt apply to me because I am gay (or, frankly, mostly because I am not sexually active), Ive always found something tangible to work with in between CoverGirl advertisements and 6-pack ab workouts. They recommend: approach the man and then introduce yourself. Then compliment something, like the color of his shirt on him. So, walk over and say: Hey, Henry, Im Wish-I-hadan-ice-pick. I love your gingham shirt. Hopefully hell be so straight he wont know what gingham is, leading to the perfect conversation starter. Dont forget to mention how much you love houndstooth on men. BTW, if breaking the ice results in oral sex, Cosmopolitan claims that the secret to a great blow job is enthusiasm. So approach his penis like Christmas morning or the first dance at Fall Ball. The more excited the better. -Gay Lady Dear Wish-I-had-an-ice-pick, Never break the ice. To soak up romantic advice after watching The Notebook on repeat for around 103 times, I like to watch The Titanic. Most people, though, focus on the wrong parts. The important part of The Titanic is that it supplies a whole burg of ice to break. And you know what happened when Rose tried to break that ice with Jack in the middle of the ocean. You guessed itwhen you deliver your romantic soliloquy to the guy you want to talk to, he might not be able to respond with his undying love for you because his teeth will be chattering uncontrollably. I always go in with the Romantic Soliloquy, though, and skip the small talk. You dont want to ask him about the weather, his classes or the food in the Bon because those might be experiences you share, and you want to make more of a sudden impact, like an 882-foot, 46,000-ton passenger ship slamming into a floating block of ice. Its always better when frozen things stay intact. Take, for example, climate change. You dont want a relationship thats spanned millions of years to evaporate in a few decades because of some noxious gasses you let off. You dont want a huge percentage of Americans to believe you dont exist. Mostly, though, you dont want your crush to drown right as your life has been cruising like a luxury liner across the Atlantic Ocean. Warmly, Straight Girl
1. The Liberal Legend: In Texas they say this place has, like, liberal hippie nudists who are socialists with no morals because they arent religious. When I heard these things, I was like, I want to go here. [There are] not as many nudists, but liberal and hippy are true, and the socialist thing is kinda true too. 2. The Great Divide: [There is a] clear divide between athletes and NARPs [non-athletic regular people]. We asked a few athletes to comment on this one, and heres what we gathered: Every athlete in the cafeteria is sitting next to another athlete. I think athletes gravitate toward each other. They have common interests, so they have stuff to talk about. 3. Herbivores: [I thought that] people [would] blaze all the time. People blaze even more than I thought. 4. The Activist Go-Getters: [I expected], like, progressive, forward-thinking, changethe-world kind of crap. I mean,
not every person is like that, but its pretty real. Its happening. 5. Pretentious Hipsters: I thought everyone was going to be really pretentious and only read smart-people books, but people like SpongeBob and mainstream stuff.
but were still holding out. 7. Shaving Optional: I thought everyone was going to have unibrows and not shave their armpits, and I thought people were going to not take showers for a really long time, but there are more types people than I ever could have imaginedlike big, huge football players. 8. The LC Goggles: [The idea that] over time the girls you keep seeing start to get better looking and better looking. [Still] to be determined. 9. Shoes? Maybe: I was expecting a lot more hippies. Some people do fall into that stereotype, but not everybody. Like, for the most part, everybody wears shoes. 10. The Unexplainable: I heard there were too many eggs, and I found out that there are pretty ferns.
I thought everyone was going to have unibrows and not shave their armpits
6. Earthy Crunchy: Theres one way to explain this oneI thought that everyone was going to be super environmentally conscious. This holds true a little less than I thought, but I had a pretty high image of what everyone was going to be. And then theres another: We had this idea that everyone here eats bark dipped in hummus. We have yet to see anybody eat bark and hummus,