#TheTruth

September 2013 VOL. I ISSUE I

USA NAMING RIGHTS UP FOR SALE

Companies around the globe were jumping at the chance to own the naming rights for the United States of America. A move created by the American government to generate new funds in this time of austerity. The bidding process will take place from Tuesday morning and will close on Friday afternoon. Once the process has ended, all offers will be thoroughly checked by government officials before a decision is made. Bookmakers have already starting laying bets on potential companies. The early form suggests that Nestle, PepsiCo and Campbells are amongst the favourites to win the bid. Congressman Alec Von Hollierthanwater had this to say. Its with great excitement that we announced these plans, the business opportunities could be limitless if we can show that Americas a bit more relaxed now and show that we do have a sense of humour. Doesnt Heinz USA or Kit Kats United States of America sound so much better? Regardless of who is the highest bidder, we dont really care, we just need the money. Polls suggest that 56% of Americans would prefer a more household name with the favourites being Planet Hollywood, Wal-Mart and Nestle.

In the name of victory

MID-LIFE CRISIS
MIDDLE AGED BANANA PANICS AT THE SIGHT OF FIRST BROWN SPOTS
A middle aged Banana has highlighted their concern about the first brown spot that has appeared on them, prompting it to live the rest of his life in the fast lane. This unnamed banana has already been spotted in a fleet of luxurious cars and has been known to participate in extreme sporting activities. The brown spot is the first signal of middle age and strikes fear into all bananas. A spokesperson for bananas says; Its a massive day in our calendar because it shows a sign of maturity, so naturally it would cause a stir when they do appear. We accept it as part of life but it is just painful knowing that we only have a week or two at best left. We just want to raise banana awareness really, show other fruit and veg that theyre not the only ones who suffer from this vicious disease.

Sad Bananaby Claude Le Fromag du Sac

We just want to raise banana awareness really, show other fruit and veg that theyre not the only ones who suffer from this vicious disease. - Banana spokesperson

From the reports, we believe that this one banana is just going through a banana life crisis. Each banana reacts in different ways when they brown spot, but this is an extreme reaction. And I will say on behalf of all bananas that this rare reaction. The normal docile banana spends up to 4 days in a refrigerated room before being made delivered to the banana cat walk where they are up against one another in the hope they can live a fulfilled life and be picked. We ask everyone to be vigilant, if anyone should spot a banana acting strangely, they should be peeled and eaten straight away.

CONGA LINE DERAILED

WINDMILLING AND WET FLOOR CAUSES CHAOS

There have been confirmed reports of a man spilling his drink at the dance on the dance floor. Carnage one person has described as casualties still arrive at the hospital. Party goers at the Roco Loco Club were in full flow at the time of the incident with a perfectly formed conga line. Little did they know of the events that were about to unfold. Reports believe Houston Quinn, a flamboyant Texan was attempting the windmill dance move and is the chief suspect in this case. Tommy Love GunGunn saw the whole event unfold before him. I was watching from the bar, waiting for the drink that I bought this girl to take effect. But this fella was on the dance floor. He started with a robot but then tried to merge it with the windmill arms. Asked whether he thought Mr Quinn was at faultAbsolutely, he knew what he was doing..that drink just went everywhere! said a clearly emotional Mr Gunn. As soon, as that drink hit the floor, I knew it was game over..Im just glad we managed to save as many

people as we did It is believed that once the drink had hit the floor, this caused the conga line to buckle just off the middle as many tried to avoid the wet area. The latter part of the conga line seemed to take the brunt of the injuries. Early reports are citing spinal injuries, concussions and one unfortunate participant of the line losing their virginity. Although we are still waiting for the findings of this incident. National campaigners are lobbying for an outright ban on Windmilling with a drink in your hand. A spokesperson for Danceoff, With a national ban on windmilling, we will reduce dance related injuries by 50%, this has to be approved because we dont want any blood on our hands. Tests are on-going to prove that these figures are accurate but there is one question that still remains unanswered..will we ever be safe on dance floor again?

DJANGO CHAINED PROVED LESS EFFECTIVE.

Django Chained, the sequel to Django Unchained, has been heavily criticised since its release. On a spin to the original movie, Tarantino decided to keep the same plot but the only difference was that Django was to remain chained, tying the hands of lead actor Jamie Foxx and his acting abilities. The movie had several scenes edited out of it and ran for duration of approximately 6 minutes. As it turned out, there wasnt really much a shackled Django could do. At the start of the film, Django was hastily beaten and then bound. Once he was bound it was game over, they then proceeded to kick Django and then burn him. Jesse Sleetmannington-Downes was one of the first to see the first screenings. It was lucky that the movie was only 6 minutes long, by the time the trailers were over I had finished my snacks, so it was win win in that situation, but in regards to the movie..awful..truly awful.
What does the Foxx say?

but in regards to the movie..awful..truly awful. .

- Jesse Sleetmannington-Downes
We tried to get an interview with Jamie Foxx but he hasnt been seen since the making of the movie. Tarantino has been unavailable for answers.

GET OTTER HERE

BRISTOL ZOO BUST UP RESULTS IN BRUISED OTTER Earlier today Bristol police department received an emergency call after supposed mother of two punched an otter. It began as what looked like a normal day at Bristol Zoo. Little did the animal support carers know that one of their prized otters would be getting a prized thumping. Witnesses of the attack claim the incident to be a regional disaster and that the lady in question should be locked up for her indiscretions. Harry the otter, one of Bristols most-loved attractions, best known for his playful stealing of visitors food was the vicArtists impression tim of an all-out over the top attack after his playful antics were taken in a negative light. Mother of two and serial zoo-goer, Bernadette Bernstein, has spoken out after her sandwich was taken by what she has branded a rabid beast and claims it is simply disgusting and wrong that Harry the otter is praised for such acts of theft. It was my bloody sandwich, Hovis, best of both, little bit of mayo, little bit of ham salad and that vermin has decided to steal it from me. I think not said a noticeably distraught Bernstein. Bernadette had lost her temper said one of leading animal support carers of Bristol Zoo, she just lost her temper and she just, she just nailed it. Punched Harry right in the head. Harry has been taken to the closest Otter health unit to rehabilitate the animal, not only physically but mentally. Harry now has a long road to complete rehabilitation, an attack like that can leave otters shaken for years says Dr Tompkins, Otter psychiatrist of the Cambridge Otter health unit. Bristol Zoo has taken action against Bernstein and has fully pressed charges against the Otterboxer. A reported three to five year stretch in the pen has been forecasted for the sandwich lover.

SCHOOL APOLOGISES AFTER ACCUSING FAT KID OVER LUNCH THEFTS

This was an out and out hate campaign against ma little boy. The same thing happened to me when I attended back in the day! They used to taunt me, calling me Fatty McFatfat! Recent national polls suggest that fat kid and school facultys relations are at an all-time low. 67% say they

Anonymous victim: Phil McCavity

would not leave their lunches anywhere near a fatty and 7% believed that they have been eyed up by fatties as a possible snack. These figures show that fatties are one of the most discriminated groups across America at the moment, fatty popularity continues to fall. The school is still currently looking for the thief. However, they are pretty damn adamant that its the fat kid.

School chiefs were left humiliated last night after having to apologise to a resident school fatty after evidence had shown that he may have not had anything to do with the theft of lunchboxes. Head of the PTA Jackson Jackson Snr III stated. We are truly sorry for the treatment of this one individual, but honestly, everyone thought it was the fat kid, I was so sure I bet $50 and my BBQ pit. Come on!!!!.......Who else could have done it? There were over 300 lunches stolen over a 3 week period. Everything pointed to him! 24 hour surveillance was enforced during the peak of the crime wave but this did not reduce the number of thefts. Due to the age of the accused we are unable to provide his name and age however; unconfirmed reports suggest that Phil McCavity is slowly regaining the self confidence that was squeezed from him from this hate campaign. The childs mother had a few words to say.

FREE KFC VOUCHER!

4/5 POLAR BEARS AFFECTED BY RACISM

Zat iz a racist thing to zay, vould you judge a pig on ze pinkness of hiz skin? The professor had us leave the facility. We delve deeper into the life and research of Prof. Schlazenblazen to discover more shocking findings. 400 polar bears a year are injured or killed for their accents, 350 of which were maimed whilst cleaning cars. 200 of which were attacked whilst queuing and speaking in their native tongue as loud as possible. 65 of all polar bear attacks were held out in light of the attacks on the world trade centre of 2002. These facts are sure to shock the very core of Antarctic society. Many have compared the treatment of polar bears with the discrimination against Judaism in the 40s, those of you that remember that small blemish on human history may agree that this needs to stop before it goes too far. One man from the polar region who wishes to remain anonymous has lashed out on pro-polar bear groups stating that they, are taking our jobs and our money, sponging off of our taxes and praying to their god. I will not live by polar bear laws, this is Antarctica and not some polar bear-ran Wild West. Noticeably angry by sympathy being shown towards the polar bear community this man confesses to being a member of ADL and states that the, ADL will march on in the fight against the polar bears

Getting a frosty reception

Polar bears being discriminated against has always been a part of Antarctic culture, from walrus to penguins, all artic creatures play a major hand into the unfair and misplaced abuse of the polar bear. Professor Nordvick Schlazenblazen, scientist of the Austrian centre for racist animals has come out on record saying, Ist haz alvays been ze way in ze history of Antarctica und ze polar bears, polar bears haz alvays been discriminated on ze vay zat zey talk. Prof. Schlazenblazen seemed almost knowing of the fact that the polar bears of the world today is punished and seemingly bullied for having different accents to the other Antarctic species. When asked on whether the colour of their fur made a difference, Nordvick Schlazenblazen showed signs of outrage,

7 DAY WEATHER REPORT

THURSDAY Just when you were ready to throw in the towel, Thursday will come out of the shadows and kick rain in the ball sack. Bear sun and blue atmospheres all-round will see temperatures missile into the mid twenty-nines. Get your sun cream and boaters out, its gonna be a burn-fest! In Scotland, however, more precipitatiory conditions will plague the thistly north. FRIDAY Somewhat variegated conditions for everybodys darling day of the weekage high temperattitude will make conditions clammy but uber-cloudage will reduce sun coverageness. Petr Cech the weather when you head out for work as it could turn tart and end up tarnishing your a.m. commute. Have a McDonalds breakfast bagel on us. SATURDAY Got plans this weekend? Cancel them! Incomprehensible weather for the country will be undulating round like an angry mother -in-law, and just as revolting to look at. Have you ever seen hailstones as big as a chihuahuas head? Well stick around, heavy-ass hail will be menacing as it dents your car bonnets and maims small children. Mid-afternoon will be squally, so squally youll forget what squally even means. By the evening, all will be unruffledbefore the acid rain starts if you havent bought your lead-plated rain bonnets by now then we suggest you do so. SUNDAY Who gives a shit? Nobody goes out on a Sunday.

MONDAY Monday will be habitually cloudy with a splash of brightness rays which promises to be problematic for women everywhere choosing their attires. Expect to see fluffy-looking marshmallow clouds all day as the weeks bastard-child comes and goes without anyone remembering what the hell happened. TUESDAY Affairs start to turn bleak Zeus is pissed and yall about to feel his wrath. Thunderstorms aplenty coupled with rain so heavy youd think it had fallen from Rick Wallers sweat glands. Skies are going to look a little cumulonimbly. If you are of a dissolvable persuasion, our advice would be to stay indoors. WEDNESDAY Were in for some more Tuesday flava as rain continuefies to plummet onto our noggins. Expect to see a breakage in the meteorological conditions, only for it to stick its middle finger up in your face and precipitate some more. The mizzle will undoubtedly see a sharp rise in sun dancing and stolen umbrellas.

The following weeks will be, more or less, the same.

SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPE
Beware people offering free rectal exams, they are unlikely to provide the closure you seek. That bread you left on the side may not breed the penicillin you envisaged. Just remember how dispensable you truly are. Feeling lucky? You shouldnt be if youve ever seen the Michael Douglas film Falling Down then you can, at least, prepare for the series of unfortunate events that are coming your way. Thimbles, pears and holistic remedies will all be important but we cant predict why. Life is about to dump a ton of brown coloured, malodourous waste on your front door, this will make leaving the house especially difficult. Take a day off. Over-spending will find you less well-off this month. The irony of this one is that you will actually die from being attacked by a giant crab. Stay clear of rock-pools. Have you gotten that lump checked out yet? Maybe you should. The suns energy means things could turn terminal this month so youll want to visit your doctor unless you want the situation to race to its inevitable, grim conclusion. Your ability to fly aircraft may be called into question this month as you attempt to smuggle thirty illegal-immigrants across the Iranian border. Dont let smokers get you down, kill as many as you see fit. A new love will present itself to you, grab it by the haunches and dont let go. Try to remember that people laughing at you doesnt mean youre popular. The skeletons in your closet suggest a creepy past but not one that should be mocked. Things are looking bleak this month as your loved ones begin to recognise what a parasite you are. Add potpourri to your living room to boost your zen and love will surely follow in an unlikely form probably a dog or a pet of some kind You will be given an important message this month but wont be able to find the pen you require to write it down with. The size of your hands indicate a need for large gloves bear this in mind.

Love is in the air but so is Tuberculosis so careful what you breath. You will feel loves familiar sting like a giant immunization needle bite down on something hard. Potholes and badgers will be particularly relevant. The forest moon of Endor is in line with your energy which will create numerous money-making opportunities mainly the gullible Leo who will literally do anything for cash. Providing you have little or no pride in yourself, theres a killing to be made this month.

You will finally reap the rewards for your efforts and world domination will be yours. Only a fool would try to stop you now. Also, remember to clean your parents basement or they may ask for double-rent.

ASK ANDI
ANDI PETERS AND ED THE DUCK ARE HERE TO HELP YOU PAINT OVER THE QUACKS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Dear Andi Me and my wife have been having regular sex for years without any problems and then BOOM! She says she doesnt appreciate me wearing her bras. I asked her Why has this only become a problem now? She just ran off to her arsing mothers! What is your advice for a sexually -liberated young gogetter with a shrew for a wife who wont let the love of her life wear her finery? Gordon from Aldershot Dear Gordon Youre both entitled to express how you feel in a sexual environment. Understandably, your wife may be put off by you wearing her underwear this seems like something you both should have discussed before going ahead with. My advice would be to talk to her and have a frank discussion about what turns you both on. Eds Extra Notes Quack me, Gordon! Youre out of your quacking little mind! My advice is to remember your ugly man-boobs wont look nearly as good in the bra as your wifes quacking tits! Either that or steer well-away from your wife and quack a man instead! Ed out! Dear Andi My husband and I are starting to drift apart. For the last few years, he has openly told me that he thinks Im boring, that Im stupid, Im holding him back and hed rather spend time in his workshop, endlessly sanding tables. Is there anything I can do to make him worship me again like he did when we first got together? - Lucy from Canterbury Dear Lucy This sort of thing is normal in a marriage or long -term relationship; often two people, if together for a long time, can end up feeling they have nothing more to offer the other when they feel that they should, which then causes them to resent each other. You may wish to consider marriage-counselling or some kind of therapy just to get a neutral body to assess your relationship and give you professional advice to help get you guys back on track. Good luck to you both! Eds Extra Notes Forget him, baby. You want to feel like a princess again? Ill do things to you that your slug of a husband never could. Ever heard of the Rococo Bang? Youre in for a treat. Quack my bitch up!

Dear Andi Im in love with a woman who I cant have. Its eating me alive and I just cant move on.Alan from Bournemouth Dear Alan I know its hard but this woman is unavailable and will likely remain that way. Try to concentrate on the things you dislike about her and fill your head with positive thoughtsyoull soon forget about her. Eds Extra Notes Three words, Alan: Boobs, boobs, boobs! Get yourself a roll of singles and head to your local strip club! Nothing heals pain like desperate bitches getting their norks out! Quack -adoodle-do!

Dear Andi Last night I performed acts of a mildly-sexual nature on my Labrador. Now we cant look at each other without feeling regretful and aroused. What can I do? - Phil from St Helens Dear Phil What you have done here is perform an act of bestiality; this is a very serious situation which has strong moral implications. If you feel like you are still having these urges or ever do again then you should seek help. Please dont let this ruin your life. Eds Extra Notes Kill yourself.

DUCKS FLYING V FAILS IN NHL

Fulton. Bombay was screaming them on. As they went over the blue line, the shrill sound of the whistle sounded. PENALTY! For pass interference. What a massive anti-climax to the fans. A chorus of boos filled the arena followed by a mass of hot dogs and mountain dew hitting the ice from the crowds reactions. After further investigation, NHL rules state that a player must not use a blocker to guard them with the puck. An Anaheim spokesperson revealed. If they allowed it in the movie, why cant they allow it in a real game. The DuckNation feels very let down by officials. This could have all been avoided if we hadnt listened to Disney. Authorities have met in the wake of this movie to discuss its legalities.

Infamous Flying-V formation

It was the moment hockey fans across the globe had been waiting for and that moment came yesterday evening at the # Arena. Into the 3rd period, the ducks were calling for the marmalade sauce to finish them off as the Phoenix Coyotes were eating them up for dinner. The fans were getting rowdy and scenes were becoming unpleasant. Then we heard a cry. FLYING V! Every fan in the arena got to their feet to witness this fearsome play. Shouts of QUACK, QUACK, QUACK! rang throughout the arena. QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK! Still being screamed in the stadium and they QUACK QUACKED some more. They positioned themselves on the ice and it began. Skating in the most perfect V formation. Conway led with the puck, passed back to Averman and then on

Coach Boudreau left fuming

SEPTEMBER 2013

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VOL. I ISSUE I

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