ISSUES OF MARITAL CONFLICTS

Conflict in marriage that leads to breakdown of family relationships seems to be the most severe social problem that every society faces today. When some go for legal separation, some others remain emotionally divorced and stay together with quarrels and fights. The distinctiveness of Marital conflicts Some disagreements, conflicts, frustration, anger and unhappiness are inherent and unavoidable in every marriage because, though potentially most rewarding, marriage is the most difficult and most demanding. The three aspects that distinguish family conflict from other types of conflicts are intensity, complexity, and the duration of relationships. First, relationships between family members are typically the closest, most emotionally intense of any in the human experience (Bowlby 1982). The bonds between the family members like partners, between parents and children, or between siblings involve the highest level of attachment, affection, and commitment. Their daily contacts for many years bond individuals together. When serious problems emerge in these relationships, the intense positive emotion can be transformed into intense negative emotion. A betrayal of a relationship, such as an extramarital affair or child sexual abuse, can produce hate as intense as the love that existed prior to the betrayal. It is a well known fact that a high percentage of murders are committed within family groups. Conflicts among family members are typically more intense than conflict in other groups. Because of the intensity of conflicts, managing conflicts may be more difficult in families, and that their consequences can be more harmful. The second distinguishing feature of family conflicts is the complexity involved in it. To the question why battered wives stay with their husbands and why most abused children want to stay with the abusive parent rather than any other place, the answer is that positive emotional bonds outweigh the pain involved with the conflicts (Wallace 1996).Family relationships include dimensions such as love, care, respect, acceptance, friendship, hate, resentment, jealousy, rivalry, and disapproval. Frequent family conflict does not become a serious problem if there are more frequent displays of caring and loving behaviors. The third distinctive characteristic of family conflict is the duration of the relationships, the length of some conflicts, and the long lasting effects of it. Family relationships between parents and children and between siblings, cousins, nephews etc., last a lifetime (White 2001). Thus severe relationships within families may continue for longer periods.

Some families function well in spite of a lot of conflicts. This is possible because conflicts are embedded in the context of other behaviors. One significant factor is whether or not the conflicts are resolved (Cummings and Davies 1994). Another key factor is how much positive behavior is exchanged when the family is not fighting. John Gottman has reported that if there are five positive behaviors for each negative behavior, then relationships are still healthy (John Gottman 1995). As a result of such findings, family conflict is not to be considered always as problematic. However, if conflict occurs in forms that are physically or psychologically harmful, then intervention is necessary. Meaning of Marital Conflict The couples discover after marriage that each person is different from what the other person expected. Both are innately different from each other: Physically tall/short, male/female, dark complexion/fair complexion. In personality and temperament excitable/outgoing, calm/reserved. In educational backgrounds and abilities knows about physics/music, can sing/cook. In tastes, preferences, wishes, habits likes to go for fishing/hates it, likes the window open in the night/likes closed it. In expectations and opinions expects women to be strong/expects men to be strong, has religious convictions/does not.

They discover that they are different in different things. Their differentness reminds them that the other is not an extension of the self but is separate. Very often this differentness leads to disagreement. Instead of looking at the presence of differentness as an opportunity for enrichment, it is used destructively. Causes of Conflict The most important reasons behind marital conflicts can be summarized as follows: The deprivation of needs: it may cause anger and attack, which results in counter attack, increasing inter personal distance, that may further produce greater need deprivation and greater anger. Neurotic needs: these may lead to severe conflicts. Family patterns of conflict: family patterns of conflicts in ones family of origin may be carried over to the present relationship. Work pressures: these may lead to frustrations that hinder to meet the needs of each other. Some obsessions: these may include prayer, work, children and the like which may interfere with harmonious relationship.
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Lack of listening: improper listening to one another and not spending adequate time for each other also may lead to conflicts. Poor communication: this has been considered as one of the major causes of marital breakdown. Difficulty to leave the attachment to ones family of origin: this may hinder to build up intimacy with the partner. Possessive parents: they interfere with the building of healthy relationship in their childrens marriage. Other issues: sexual matters like frigidity/impotency, dowry problems, power struggle, interference of in-laws, mental health problems like depression and paranoia, disciplining of children etc.

(Isaac V. Mathew 2008) Conflict Style Style of conflict influences the kinds of disputes families have. Individuals have conflict styles of their own (Sternberg and Dobson 1987). These develop through repeated exposure to conflict situations in the family of origin. The combination of individual styles and the family system results in a family style of conflict. For example, one family member may dominate in all disputes and forcefully settle all conflicts. This is a power assertive style that is based on the power relations that are part of the family system. Another style involves endless internal strife in which any kind of settlement or resolution is rare. Such an irrational style often creates a negative family climate that erodes positive family bonds. Conflict may be seen as being too stressful or simply inappropriate among family members. Such an avoidant style often includes covert conflict in which secretive actions lead to negative consequences for opponents (Buehler et al. 1998). A constructive conflict style is an especially important type because it openly addresses the complaints of family members and moves toward rational changes that eliminate the problem. Several other conflict styles have been identified and research in this area continues. Four defensive communication styles have been identified by Virgina Satir to react to stress and threats to their self esteem: Placating: the placatory cancels out the self, i.e., eager to please, apologetic, tends to be at extremes, a bootlicker and martyr. The placatory derives a sense of value only from the love and approval of others. He/she has difficulty in expressing anger and holds so many feelings inside and tends toward depression and is prone to illness. Blaming: the blamer cancels out the other. A blamer controls, criticizes relentlessly, and speaks in generalization you never do anything right. Inside,
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the blamer is feeling lonely and probably unlovable. He is angry because he anticipates not getting what he wants or needs. Often the blamer is controlling, disagreeable, hostile, tyrannical, irritating, fault-finding, paranoid, violent, and attacking, unable to express pain or fear. Computing: the computer or the super-reasonable cancels out the self and other, and all emotions. He/she is calm, cool, collected and super reasonable; he/she carefully chooses the right word, expects people to perform and to conform, avoids admitting mistakes, denies feelings, and tends to cite facts, statistics, authorities and tradition. He/she is legalistic, militaristic, compulsive, dogmatic, obsessive opinionated, rigid, principled, insensitive unfeeling and lacking in empathy, and is a robot. Distracting: the distracter cancels out all the above and has irrelevant style of communication. He/she tends to be talkative, unfocused, often frantically active, avoids direct eye contact and direct answers, and is quick to change the subject or ignore the point. He/she avoids confrontation because confronting the problem will lead to fight which would be dangerous. (Isaac V. Mathew 2008) Conflict styles are generally learned in childhood. Continuous exposure to the same patterns seems to be indoctrinating the child with the family's conflict style (Patterson, Reid, and Dishion 1992). The style of the parents or the primary caregivers is adopted by the children. For example, a child in a family with a power assertive style will tend to see any disagreement as a zero-sum game. There must be one winner and one loser. One dominates, the other submits. One must strive to use whatever power one has to defeat the opponent, who is striving to defeat you. Children use the conflict styles learned in the family as they interact with peers and others outside of the family context. When developing relationships with peers, this can create difficulties. For example, children who are aggressive power-assertive persecutors in the family may have difficulties making friends with peers who reject that style of interaction(Vuchinich 1999). Constructive Conflicts and Destructive Conflicts Conflict is natural and inevitable in close relationships. Sarcastically, conflict is often highest with one's spouse, compared to other long-term relationships. Marital relationships are particularly prone to conflict because spouses develop a great deal of intimacy and interdependence. These qualities make the partners more vulnerable to one another. At the same time, cohesion strengthens the relationship such that partners can better withstand criticism from one another and therefore, in spite of disagreements, relationship can survive.

It is important to note that the mere existence of conflict is not necessarily bad. In fact, some conflict produces positive outcomes. Conflict allows partners to express important feelings and to work out creative solutions to problems. Relational bonds can be strengthened by successfully managed conflicts. The important issues of conflict in marital relationships include communication, finances, children, sex, housework, jealousy, and in-laws. Sometimes what appears on the surface to be a simple issue can reflect deeper relational struggles about power and intimacy. Persistent conflict about such relational issues has the greatest impact on marital satisfaction. The seriousness of conflicts varies widely both within and between couples. Some disagreements or complaints receive minimal attention and produce short-lived effects. Other conflicts represent ongoing struggles about personally significant issues that produce intense personal anxiety and relational tension. Conflicts that are recurrent and stable over time are most problematic that may affect the stability of relationship. Some couples construct a relational culture where they argue frequently; others experience disagreements infrequently and develop a norm to disagree only on issues of importance. Developmental patterns, however, can be consistent. For example, those who have been married for a longer period of time engage in fewer overt disagreements compared to younger newlyweds. However, the mere occurrence of disagreements reveals very little about the overall health or stability of marital relationships. More important is the seriousness of disputes, and the manner in which they are managed. The most important concern of conflict management is its constructiveness or destructiveness. Constructive conflict tends to be cooperative, pro-social, and relationship-preserving in nature. Constructive behaviors are relatively positive in emotional tone. Destructive conflict is competitive, antisocial, and relationship-damaging in nature. Constructive and destructive conflict behaviors are connected to the quality and stability of marriage. This connection is probably reciprocalconflict behaviors both influence and are affected by one's relationship satisfaction over time. Methods for confronting or avoiding conflict influence the extent to which spouses are satisfied in their marriage, and ultimately affect the likelihood of separation and divorce. At the same time, spouses' degree of happiness or unhappiness in a marriage affects how they communicate during their conflicts. Conflict behaviors well differentiate between distressed and non distressed married couples. Distressed couples are those in which partners report they are unhappy with their marriage. The findings from this research yield three strong conclusions. First, distressed couples engage in more unhelpfulness during conflict interactions. This
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includes demands, threats, attacks, criticisms, put-downs, violence, contempt, rejection, defensiveness, and hostility. Second, distressed couples demonstrate less positivity, such as showing approval, using humor, making statements that validate partner and the relationship, and seeking to understand partner's point of view. John Gottman (1994) reports that stable marriages consistently exhibit about five times more positive behaviors than negative behaviors in conflict. Third, distressed spouses are more likely to get caught up in lengthy sequences of negative behaviors that are difficult to break out of. Such sequences occur, for example, when one partner makes a complaint, and the other partner responds with a counter-complaint; or one spouse attacks and the other defends; or one partner attacks and the other withdraws. Satisfied couples are more likely to exhibit patterns of accommodation compared to dissatisfied couples. Accommodation occurs when one partner inhibits the tendency to respond in-kind to a partner's destructive conflict behavior. In other words, in the face of a negative sequence of events, one partner takes responsibility to push the discussion back onto a constructive course. Thus, although even happy couples can enact negative conflict behaviors, they are less inclined to get locked into sequences of reciprocated negative actions. Partners express dissatisfaction or disapproval through complaints. But when a complaint takes the form of a personal attack it is regarded as criticism. Criticism conveys devaluation of the relationship and it is typically hurtful to the recipient. Criticism can be accompanied by the expression of contempt, and it can bring forth contempt from the criticized person. Messages showing contempt communicate blatant disrespect, as well as disdain and bitter scorn. Defensiveness is another way of attempt to protect ones own interests. Defensive responses include denying responsibility for reproachful actions, making excuses for annoying behavior, and responding to complaints with counter complaints. Several factors are involved in the estimation of relationship between marital satisfaction and the constructive or destructive nature of conflict interactions: the causal and responsibility attributions that partners make about each other's behavior; the perceived competence of conflict communication; the perceived face threat that attends conflict interactions. Attributions consist of the explanations that partners hold regarding the causality and responsibility of each other's behavior. Distressed couples tend to make negative and relationship-damaging attributions more than non-distressed couples; in other words, individuals who are unhappy

with their relationship tend to attribute blame and causality to their partner for relationship problems. those experiencing less relational satisfaction perceive that their partner's problematic behavior is intentional, blameworthy, and selfishly motivated. Such negative attributions are also associated with destructive conflict behaviors. As attributions become more negative, they contribute to a climate whereby the individual feels emotionally overwhelmed by the partner's negativity, which leads to a further decline in relational satisfaction. The greater the frequency and duration of these perceptions over time, the more likely that marital partners experience distance and isolation in the marriage and move toward divorce perceptions of communication competence and communication satisfaction filter the association between relational quality and conflict behavior. Specifically, when one enacts constructive conflict tactics, one's partner is generally more satisfied with conflict interaction and the partner sees one as communicatively competent. Destructive behaviors, on the other hand, are associated with one's partner's communication dissatisfaction and with partner perceptions that one is communicatively incompetent. Feelings of communication satisfaction and perceptions of a partner's communication competence are associated, in turn, with relational qualities such as satisfaction, trust, control mutuality, liking, and loving. Thus, more communication satisfaction and greater perceptions of partner competence contribute to improved relational qualities including higher levels of relational satisfaction and trust. Another reason that negative conflict behaviors erode relationships is because they are face threatening. Face refers to the positive social value that one claims in social interaction, and that one assumes will be validated by others involved in the interaction. Generally people desire to be accepted, valued, and respected by important others. Partners cooperatively support one another's face by expressing affiliation and respect, and by avoiding affronts to each other's face. (Gottman 1994).

Marital conflicts and children Sibling Conflict: Rivalry between sibling has long been recognized as a key element in family conflict. The concept assumes that parents or primary caregivers have a limited amount of affection to give to their children (Neborsky 1997). Children therefore tend to compete for the parental affection. Through that competition, siblings can develop conflict toward each other. If parents provide sufficient affection for both siblings, the rivalry dissipates. But if they do not, then the rivalry can be a primary feature of sibling and family relationships through adulthood. In such cases siblings strive to out-do each other to win the approval of a parent or caregiver. Often the siblings are not consciously aware that their striving is based on sibling rivalry. Harmless sibling rivalry is common in
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most families. But in some cases it fuels long-term destructive conflict between siblings. The key to avoiding problems with sibling rivalry is providing all children in the family with adequate emotional support. Most parents try to treat their children equally. This is an important goal because recent research has shown that differential parental treatment of siblings is linked to adjustment problems (Feinberg and Hetherington 2001). Although equal treatment is a worthy goal, achieving it is a great challenge. This is especially true when the differences in the age of the children are large. For example, it is difficult to determine what is equal parental treatment if one child is a teenager and another a preschooler. Conflict with Young Children: Although conflict may be especially prevalent during the "terrible twos" phase, conflict with parents becomes a significant feature of family interactions beginning at eighteen months (Dunn and Munn 1985) and continuing over the life span. The mother most frequently acts as the primary caregiver. As such, mothers participate much more in parent-child conflicts than do fathers (Vuchinich 1987). Specifically, children oppose mothers more often than they oppose fathers. This greater number of interactions for mothers may mean that mothers exert more influence over children's development of conflict management behaviors. Additionally, fathers achieve child compliance slightly more frequently than do mothers (Lytton 1979). Conflict with Adolescents: When children reach adolescence, their communication with others has gained greater complexity across contexts. In conflict situations, they no longer express uncontrolled hostility as a small child does. In addition, they exhibit greater flexibility in conflicts with their parents. However, adolescents still express more hostility and show more rigidity than do adults. Even with their increased maturity, adolescents are still developing their conflict management skills. For example, when observing interactions between mothers and teenagers, researchers have found that mothers more consistently respond to their child in a flexible and positive manner regardless of the child's comment (Fletcher et al. 1996). Due to parallel hormonal and physiological changes during puberty, conflict behavior first increases from the early stages of adolescence to the middle stages and then decreases again by late adolescence. However, researchers have found that conflict increases in hostile and coercive families but decreases in warm and supportive families (Rueter and Conger 1995). Mothers and fathers take on different roles during conflict than they had with their younger children. In particular, adolescent boys begin to act more assertive and forceful with their mothers but not their fathers. Mothers complement their sons' behavior by being less dominant, whereas fathers become more dominant. Even though both mothers' and children's behaviors change, mothers still experience more conflicts with their adolescent children than do fathers. Adolescents and parents often disagree about the extent to which parental control and supervision over the adolescent are legitimate. Although conflict between parents and teens may be inevitable, effective
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conflict management does not always occur. For example, adolescents may become "ungovernable," use drugs, and/or run away from home. Certain communication behaviors during conflict have been linked with such teenage misbehaviors (Alexander 1973). Specifically, when parents and adolescents do not reciprocate each other's supportive communication behaviors and do reciprocate each other's defensive behaviors, the child appears more likely to engage in offending behaviors. Conflict with Adult Children: Although conflicts between parents and children persist after the child becomes an adult, the frequency of conflicts likely drops off significantly for most parents and their adult children. However, with some level of maintained contact and interdependence, conflicts likely remain a fundamental aspect of the parentchild relationship. For example, young adults have been found to experience psychological adjustment and identity problems when they perceive that their families have a great deal of conflict. Just as personal development continues even after adolescence, the impact of conflict with close relatives continues. Conclusion Although conflict may be inevitable in families, the consequences of parent-child conflict tend to be positive very often rather than negative. For example, oppositions between parents and their small children are usually brief in duration and not emotionally charged. Although such conflicts can test the patience of both child and parent, they do not seriously affect the relationship between parent and child. However, it seems likely that the topics of conflict between mothers and toddlers as well as between teenagers and their parents may be universal. A harmonious relationship is based on mutual respect and balance of power. Sensitivity to the feeling and needs of all members of the family as well as an appreciation of all those aspects that make each other so special are involved in it. When such a relationship exists, there is scope for arguments, bad moods, differences of opinion and even anger that is expressed appropriately. If the controlling factor is love, all members can find effective ways of dealing with their differences. The common saying seems true: a no-conflict marriage is a sick marriage; a conflict resolving marriage is a growing and healthy marriage

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