Sibling Abuse
Sibling Abuse
Sibling Abuse
Abuse
By
Jane
Gilgun
Summary
Parents and other care providers may not realize that sibling aggression is sometimes abuse and not children being children. They therefore often ignore behaviors that actually are harmful. Both children need adult attention and guidance. This brief article describes types of sibling abuse and what parents can do to protect their children from long-term hurt. About the Author Jane F. Gilgun, PhD, LICSW, is a professor and writer. See Janes other articles, books, and childrens stories on scribd.com, Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Noble, and other booksellers.
Sibling
Abuse
PARENTS
AND
OTHER
CARE
PROVIDERS
often
assume
that
aggression
between
siblings
means
that
children
are
just
being
children.
They
may
think
that
the
aggression
is
mutual
and
that
younger
children
are
capable
of
holding
their
own
with
older
children.
Sometimes
they
view
the
younger
children
as
pests
who
bug
their
older
siblings,
and
the
older
siblings
simply
are
putting
the
younger
children
in
their
places.
When
their
children
complain
to
them
about
another
childs
aggression,
they
may
see
them
as
crybabies
and
tell
them
to
ignore
the
other
child.
Even
when
children
resist
these
parental
responses
and
cry
out,
But
it
hurts,
parents
may
dismiss
childrens
distress.
They
also
dont
provide
guidance
to
the
older
children
who
may
not
realize
that
they
are
hurting
their
younger
siblings,
not
only
at
the
moment,
but
for
the
long-term.
Obviously,
parents
like
these
have
no
clue
that
sibling
abuse
can
cause
long-term
harm.
The
behaviors
that
parents
and
other
care
providers
view
as
children
being
children
include
physical
aggression
that
includes
hitting,
punching,
and
kicking;
teasing
and
taunting,
such
as
children
calling
younger
sibs
who
wear
glasses
four
eyes;
mocking
and
ridicule
as
when
older
children
make
fun
of
younger
childrens
attempts
at
learning
to
play
a
sport
by
imitating
their
actions
in
exaggerated
ways;
using
other
childrens
possessions
without
permission
and
then
being
defiant
and
sassy
when
the
other
children
protest;
and
sexual
boundary
violations
including
sexual
abuse
where
older
siblings
may
use
younger
sibling
for
their
own
sexual
pleasure
and/or
to
lord
it
over
younger
children.
All
of
these
forms
of
sibling
abuse
can
cause
harm
unless
parents
set
limits
on
older
children,
explain
to
them
that
their
behaviors
hurt,
and
dig
deeper
to
see
if
the
older
children
are
reacting
to
difficult
issues
in
their
own
lives.
Sometimes
the
older
children
are
having
their
own
troubles,
which
require
parental
attention
and
attentiveness.
If
parents
cant
handle
their
childrens
issues
on
their
own,
they
are
wise
to
seek
professional
help.
A
sign
the
family
needs
professional
help
is
when
the
older
children
do
not
stop
when
parents
ask
them
to.
The
younger
children
require
parental
attunement
and
responsiveness
where
they
feel
safe
enough
to
process
the
meanings
of
their
siblings
behaviors
and
where
they
can
work
through
the
hurt
and
feel
their
sense
of
self-worth
and
dignity
be
restored.
Here
are
some
guidelines
on
how
parents
tell
the
difference
between
children
being
children
and
sibling
abuse.
Is one child older, bigger, and stronger than the other? If one is, then take a closer look to see if one child is abusing another. Do the older children think its funny that they create distress in their younger siblings? Talk to both children to find out what the behaviors mean to them. Do the older children recognize that their younger siblings are smaller, have less physical strength, and do not have the same social and cognitive skills that they have? If they do not, its time parents informed them about the differences between older and younger children. Do they make up after the conflict and resume a friendly relationship? Or does one child cry and become withdrawn, sad, whiney, tantrumy and/or destructive to the property of others? The idea is to make up and resume a friendly relationship. If this doesnt happen, parents would do well to encourage the children to talk to them about their behaviors. Do they have about the same social status or does one have some sort of power over another -- such as being more popular or having some kind of supervisory status over the other children? If more popular or more powerful siblings think their behaviors are just part of having fun, its time to explore what fun means and its time to explore with target children what that kind of fun means to them. Do both children have similar understandings of the meanings of the aggressive behaviors? If they do, and they make up, then all is well. If not, its time to explore meanings and protect targets and set limits on the aggressor children. Do both children have similar understandings of the consequences of the aggressive behaviors? As already said, aggressor children may not realize how hurtful their behaviors are. If both children seem to see the behaviors as of no consequence, then all is well. Chances are, both children require opportunities to share what the behaviors mean to them and then some guidance on how to respond in the future. Examples of Appropriate or Easily Correctable Behaviors A seven year-old girl tells his five year-old sister, You cant play with my dolls without my permission. This is older childrens right. Parents, however, can encourage their children to share and can affirm appropriate sharing and requests to use another childs things. A seven year-old girl and her 5 year-old brother sit on a bed and look at each others genitals Parents can respond with gentle limit setting and the provision of additional information. Example: I want you to put your clothes on. When youre dressed, meet me in the living room. Ive got some books I
want to read with you. The children want more information about sexual anatomy at this time in their lives. Who is better suited than parents to provide it? Children argue over whose turn it is to set the table for dinner. If the children cant work it out in a minute or so, then parents can.
Examples of Problematic/Abusive Behaviors A 13 year-old boy mocks his 8 year-old sisters attempts at doing the same cheers as her older sister who is a cheerleader. He then laughs when she runs upstairs and hides in a closet. A 7 year-old girl pinches her 4 year-old brother and laughs when he cries. An 11 year-old boy hits his 13 year-old brother in the head so many times that the other boy has two black eyes and a split lip. A seven year-old boy orders his three year-old brother to pull his pants down. The older boy then grabs the little boys penis and squeezes hard. The little boy cries and the older boy calls him a sissy and laughs at him.
Guidelines for Adults Responses These are guidelines for response. They summarize much of what Ive already said. Talk to each child to understand each childs point of view on the aggression; Attend to each childs distress. o Older children sometimes are aggressive because something is going wrong in their lives, such as abuse they cant tell anyone about, having trouble in school or in the neighborhood, or distress over parental conflicts. o Target children are at risk to develop beliefs that they are no good and deserve to be treated badly. Create safety so the children can tell you what is on their minds. Ive attached a handout that you can use as you talk to children about their distress. Set limits on childrens aggression. Explain that aggression hurts. Show them how to express whatever feelings they are expressing in ways that dont hurt. Reassure aggressive children and target children that they can come to you to talk about anything that bothers them. Be sure to be physically and emotionally available to your children. References Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). The NEATS: A Child & Family Assessment. Amazon. Wiehe, Vernon R. (2002). Sibling Abuse. Springville, UT: Bonneville. Gilgun, Jane F. (2012). Thorns have roses: A story of clergy abuse. Amazon. In this story, an older brother teases a younger brother. The parents cant persuade
the older boy to stop. The parents seek professional help and learn that their minister is sexually abusing the older boy who is confused and upset. The family spends a lot of time working on the many issues that the older boys abuse opens up for them. Through such hard times, they grow in love and commitment to each other.
By Jane Gilgun
change the subject. yell at the child for saying such things. laugh. say, "You're just looking for attention." "So what? Everyone feels that way sometimes. I do."
Say
"Do you think you are bad? I didn't know you feel that way. What makes you think you are bad?" You can do the same when children say Im no good, No one likes me, You dont love me, Im stupid, Im ugly, Im going to kill myself, Im different, and I hate you.
Listen