A healing family Foster parents find the challenges are worth the blessings it brings

Article by Laura Rennie (published in Bloom magazine, summer 2011) I remember how excited my family would be when a new foster baby was placed in our home. I remember showing them off to my classmates and helping my mom feed and change them after school. Our babies were too young to have been neglected or abused. They hadnt been on earth long enough to run away from home or break the law. But what about foster kids who are taken from their families as toddlers, grade schoolers or teenagers? Lisa Columbo, branch director for the Harrisonburg office of DePaul Community Resources, said the two most common concerns of prospective foster parents are Do I have what it takes? and How will this impact my family? particularly when it comes to safety issues. Ive always been curious how people make the decision to foster, and my guess is that other people have questions about foster care, too. Foster care fact and fiction Jeannie Lockinger, the supervisor counselor at People Places in Harrisonburg, said many people often assume that teenage foster children are juvenile delinquents and that the younger and cuter children are easier to handle. Sometimes the younger kids are actually more difficult, Lockinger said. The reality is that young foster children often have extreme attachment issues, Columbo explained. Columbo listed three other misconceptions about foster care that shes heard during the 20 years that shes worked in foster care. All it takes is love is the most common statement shes heard. Columbo disagrees she believes it takes work, too. Shes heard some critics say that parents foster children because of the money, but personally believes it would be difficult for a parent to save any of the money they receive. The monthly stipend given to parents is based on the age of the child and is meant to cover the cost of the childs basic needs. Another misconception that bothers Columbo is when she hears people speculate that foster children are grateful to be removed from their parents and are grateful to have a foster family. Theyre not grateful to be in the system. Theyre not grateful for the things that happened to them. Theyre hurt, and theyre sad, she said. So with all these challenges, what leads someone to be a foster parent? Making the choice After trying to conceive for six years, Phil and Jana Landes of Bridgewater decided to adopt the foster child that Phils brother had been caring for. Then, seven years and two biological sons later, the Landeses decided to become foster parents. They requested Social Services place them with a school-age girl. We wanted to step out of our comfort zone, Jana said. In March 2010 they got a phone call that Jackie (name has been changed), a young teenager, was available, but there was a catch her half sister and cousin were also in need of a home, and the girls wanted to stay together. The Landeses accepted all three, but after spending a little more than a year sharing a room, Jackies half sister and cousin wanted to be more independent. They each found a foster home in Harrisonburg, so the girls still see each other often. Joyce Tennies of Elkton has been fostering children since 1973. She has two biological children, three adopted children and has fostered 50 kids. She receives foster children through People Places. I feel like this is my calling. I couldnt drive a school bus or be a teacher or a doctor. This is something I can do, [and] something we really enjoy doing, she said. For Kim Eller, becoming a foster mom was all she wanted for her birthday. Growing up, she had wanted to be a missionary, but then realized that through foster care she could be one in [her] own backyard. She and her husband Mark became foster parents in 1992, shortly after Kim turned 21. Since then, the Ellers have fostered 35 children. They also foster children through People Places.

Expanding the family One of the hardest parts of fostering a child is the transition families face when they bring in someone new. Parents go from their comfortable family situation, where rules and roles have been established, to making room for a stranger. This change isnt only hard on the parents it can also be hard on their children and the foster child. One of the ways the Landeses prepared their family to foster a child was through prayer. They found that caring for three boys younger than 10 and then suddenly adding three teenage girls to the family was a transition that didnt come easily. The Landeses said they had to create more structure in order to handle having six kids instead of three. They started a chore chart and began limiting the time the kids could spend on the computer or on cellphones. Caring for three extra children meant that Jana and Phil had less time to themselves. We were willing to give up some of [our time together] to meet their needs, Phil said. Weve got a really good thing going [a] strong foundation, he added. The couple also relaxed their housekeeping, realizing that caring for their childrens emotional needs above anything else was their No. 1 priority. Keeping the family together As the director of maintenance at Brethren Woods camp in Keezletown, Mark is almost always on call. With that in mind, the Ellers built a home on the camps property. In the summertime, the family eats breakfast, lunch and dinner at the camp, which is not only great family time, but also time for Mark and Kim to connect. During the school year, Mark and Kim often have to wait until their kids are in bed before they are able to chat about family issues and spend time together as a couple. This discussion time helps them successfully lead their children, particularly when it comes to addressing behavior issues. We have to have strict communication [and] be on the same page [about discipline], Mark said. Both Mark and Kim believe that caring for their children both biological and foster means giving them unconditional love. Bringing foster kids into the home wasnt an easy transition for Mark. He said one of the toughest aspects of being a foster parent is knowing very little about a childs background but still having compassion for him or her. [Its hard] knowing how to react, respond, keep your cool [and] love them when you dont agree with what theyre doing, he explained. Safety first Because foster parents are given limited information about their foster children, it can be difficult to understand everything the child is going through. Often these children have had a chaotic childhood, so foster parents have to enforce a new set of rules especially when it comes to keeping everyone safe. Kim said she has feared for her own childrens safety due to some of the extreme behaviors of past foster children, but she recognizes that she cant possibly know everything that is going on in the house. My dad told me, Dont go out to save the world at the cost of losing your own family, she said. To create a safe environment, the Ellers enforce strict rules. For example, there always has to be three people in a room, and the door has to stay open unless of course, someone is changing their clothes or using the bathroom. Tennies, who only fosters teenage boys, said she tries to have a firm but fun-loving relationship with her foster sons. Their main rules are to show respect and to receive her or her husbands permission if they want to leave the house. I can get a lot more [done] by requesting [that they] do things instead of telling them to, she said. Although she says her foster children often respond well to her way of parenting, she and her husband have still had to deal with some tough situations such as sexting, cutting, using drugs and running away from home. You have to really watch them, Tennies said. They have to realize that [their behavior] is not OK even if thats how they were brought up, she added. Restoring hearts While Mark and Kim have also faced some tough situations with their foster children, the two most common issues they have seen are rejection and abandonment.

Kim distinctly remembers a moment when she felt God say to her, Youre going to be a mother who restores. She said she tries to help each child deal with their past and wants to ensure each of her foster children leave her home knowing their past doesnt have to dictate their future. [You have to] go after the childs heart and identify the areas that need to be healed, Kim said. One of the ways parents can show their foster children love is through positive reinforcement, which builds up the childs confidence. When Tennies foster boys honor a request or do something helpful or kind (such as setting the table), she makes sure to thank them. We do a whole lot of praising. Our society is attuned to looking for the negative. We are trained to look for the positive, she said. Jana describes her job as a foster parent as a kind of therapy. Youre getting them used to family [and] forgiveness, she said. Preparing to foster Jana said shes seen tremendous growth in the girls and that the sacrifice she made, for herself and her family, was worth it. She and Phil are constantly asked by others, How do you do it? I dont know how we did it, [but] I wouldnt trade it for the world, she said. Jana advises prospective foster parents to prepare themselves for a lot of highs and lows. Each of the families interviewed for the story agreed being a foster parent is not easy. Phil pointed out that foster children need stability and unconditional love. You make it the new normal. You adjust, he said. There are a lot of kids out there who need loving and repair, Jana added. Blessings in both directions Tennies said she has loved every foster child thats come through her door, even though she admits to not always loving their behavior. Still, her greatest joy has been watching the boys go on to become productive members of society, and says many of them come back to her home on holidays to visit. You feel like youve done something right, she said. Each Christmas, Laura Rennie looks forward to receiving pictures and updates from the kids her family fostered. She wants to thank each person involved in this story not only for their honesty, but also for being heroes to their children and community.