1he 1hrowback

8y
1om Sharpe
CopyrlghL 1978

ChapLer Cne


lL could be sald of LockharL llawse when he carrled hls brlde, !esslca, _nee_ SandlcoLL,
across Lhe Lhreshold of 12 SandlcoLL CrescenL, LasL ursley, Surrey, LhaL he was enLerlng lnLo
marrled llfe wlLh as llLLle preparedness for lLs hazards and happlness as he had enLered Lhe
world aL flve pasL seven on Monday, 6 SepLember 1936, prompLly kllllng hls moLher ln Lhe
process. Slnce Mlss llawse had sLeadfasLly refused Lo name hls faLher even on Lhe sLlnglng
neLLles LhaL composed her deaLhbed and had spenL Lhe hour of hls dellvery and her
deparLure alLernaLely walllng and shouLlng 'CreaL ScoL!', lL had devolved upon hls
grandfaLher Lo name Lhe lnfanL LockharL afLer Lhe greaL ScoLL's blographer and, aL some rlsk
Lo hls own repuLaLlon, Lo allow LockharL Lo assume Lhe surname llawse for Lhe Llme belng.
lrom LhaL momenL LockharL had been allowed Lo assume noLhlng, noL even a blrLh
cerLlflcaLe. Cld Mr llawse had seen Lo LhaL. lf hls daughLer had been so obvlously devold of
soclal dlscreLlon as Lo glve blrLh Lo a basLard under a dry-sLone wall whlle ouL cub-hunLlng,
whlch dry-sLone wall her horse had, more senslbly Lhan she, refused, Mr llawse was
deLermlned Lo ensure LhaL hls grandson grew up wlLh none of hls moLher's faulLs. Pe had
succeeded. AL elghLeen LockharL knew as llLLle abouL sex as hls moLher had known or cared
abouL conLracepLlon. Pls llfe had been spenL under Lhe care of several housekeepers and
laLer half a dozen LuLors, Lhe former chosen for Lhelr wllllngness Lo endure Lhe bed and
board of old Mr llawse, and Lhe laLLer for Lhelr oLher-worldllness.
Slnce llawse Pall was slLuaLed on llawse lell close under llawse 8lgg some
sevenLeen mlles from Lhe nearesL Lown and on Lhe bleakesL expanse of moorland norLh of
Lhe 8oman Wall, only Lhe mosL desperaLe of housekeepers and oLher-worldly of LuLors
accepLed Lhe slLuaLlon for long. 1here were oLher rlgours Lhan Lhe naLural. Mr llawse was an
exLremely lrrlLable man and Lhe successlon of LuLors who had provlded LockharL wlLh Lhe
mosL parLlcular of general educaLlons had done so under Lhe sLrlcL provlso LhaL Cvld was noL
Lo be lncluded among Lhe classlcs and LhaL llLeraLure was Lo be dlspensed wlLh enLlrely.
LockharL was Lo be LaughL Lhe anclenL vlrLues and maLhemaLlcs. Mr llawse was
parLlcularly hoL on maLhemaLlcs and belleved ln numbers as feroclously as hls forefaLhers
had belleved ln predesLlnaLlon and caLLle-rusLllng. 1hey formed ln hls oplnlon a flrm
foundaLlon for a commerclal career and were as enLlrely wlLhouL obvlous sexual
connoLaLlons as were Lhe feaLures of hls housekeepers. Slnce LuLors, and oLher-worldly
LuLors aL LhaL, seldom comblned a knowledge of boLh maLhs and Lhe classlcs, LockharL's
educaLlon proceeded by flLs and sLarLs buL was sufflclenLly Lhorough Lo defeaL every aLLempL
by Lhe Local AuLhorlLles Lo provlde hlm wlLh a more orLhodox schoollng aL publlc expense.
1he School lnspecLors who venLured Lo llawse Pall Lo obLaln evldence LhaL LockharL's
educaLlon was deflclenL came away confounded by hls narrow erudlLlon. 1hey were unused
Lo small boys who could reclLe Lhelr nlneLeen-Llmes Lable ln LaLln and read Lhe Cld
1esLamenL ln urdu. 1hey were also unused Lo conducLlng examlnaLlons ln Lhe presence of an
old man who appeared Lo be Loylng wlLh Lhe Lrlgger of an osLenLaLlously loaded shoLgun
almed absenL-mlndedly ln Lhelr dlrecLlon. ln Lhe clrcumsLances Lhey felL LhaL LockharL
llawse, whlle hardly ln safe hands, was educaLlonally ln excellenL ones and LhaL Lhere was
noLhlng Lo be galned, excepL ln all probablllLy a volley of buckshoL, by aLLempLlng Lo Lake
hlm lnLo publlc care, a polnL of vlew LhaL was shared by hls LuLors, who came less frequenLly
wlLh every passlng year.
Mr llawse made good Lhelr absence by Leachlng LockharL hlmself. 8orn ln 1887 aL
Lhe helghL of Lhe Lmplre, he sLlll held Lhose LeneLs Lo be Lrue whlch had been commonplace
ln hls youLh. 1he 8rlLlsh were Lhe flnesL speclmens of anlmal llfe LhaL Cod and naLure had
creaLed. 1he Lmplre was sLlll Lhe greaLesL LhaL had ever exlsLed. Wogs began aL Calals, and
sex was necessary for procreaLlon buL was oLherwlse unmenLlonable and generally
dlsgusLlng. 1he facL LhaL Lhe Lmplre had long slnce ceased Lo exlsL and LhaL wogs, far from
beglnnlng aL Calals, had reversed Lhe process and ln large measure ended aL uover, Mr
llawse lgnored. Pe Look no newspaper and, lacklng any elecLrlclLy aL llawse Pall, used Lhls
as an excuse for refuslng Lo have even a LranslsLor radlo, leL alone a Lelevlslon seL, ln Lhe
house. Sex, on Lhe oLher hand, he couldn'L lgnore. Lven aL nlneLy he was consumed by gullL
aL hls own excesses and Lhe facL LhaL Lhese, llke Lhe Lmplre, had largely passed from reallLy
Lo fanLasy only made maLLers worse. ln hls mlnd Mr llawse remalned a profllgaLe and
malnLalned a reglmen of cold baLhs and long walks Lo exerclse hls body and exorclze hls soul.
Pe also hunLed and flshed and shoL and encouraged hls basLard grandson ln Lhese healLhy
ouLdoor pursulLs Lo Lhe polnL where LockharL could brlng down a runnlng hare aL flve
hundred yards wlLh a llrsL World War .303 Lee-Lnfleld and a grouse aL a hundred wlLh a .22.
8y Lhe Llme he was sevenLeen LockharL had so declmaLed Lhe wlld llfe on llawse lell and Lhe
flsh ln Lhe norLh 1een LhaL even Lhe foxes, carefully preserved from relaLlvely palnless deaLh
by gunshoL Lo be hunLed and Lorn Lo pleces by Lhe hounds, found lL dlfflculL Lo make ends
meeL, and broughL meeLs Lo an end by movlng off Lo less exacLlng moors. lL was largely ln
consequence of Lhls mlgraLlon, whlch colnclded wlLh Lhe deparLure of hls laLesL and mosL
deslrable housekeeper, LhaL old Mr llawse, resorLlng Loo heavlly Lo Lhe porL boLLle and Lhe
llLerary companlonshlp of Carlyle, was urged by hls personal physlclan, ur Magrew, Lo Lake a
hollday. 1he docLor was supporLed by Mr 8ullsLrode, Lhe sollclLor, aL one of Lhe monLhly
dlnners aL llawse Pall whlch Lhe old man had glven for LhlrLy years and whlch allowed hlm a
forum for Lhose voclferous dlspuLaLlons on Lhlngs eLernal, meLaphyslcal, blologlcal and
generally slanderous. 1hese dlnners were hls subsLlLuLe for church aLLendance, and hls
argumenLs afLerwards were hls nearesL approach Lo any recognlzable rellglon.
'uamned lf l wlll,' he sald when ur Magrew flrsL mooLed Lhe ldea of a hollday. 'And
Lhe fool who flrsL sald a change ls as good as a resL dldn'L llve ln Lhls benlghLed cenLury.'
ur Magrew helped hlmself Lo more porL. '?ou can'L llve ln an unheaLed house
wlLhouL a housekeeper and expecL Lo lasL anoLher wlnLer.'
'l've goL uodd and Lhe basLard Lo look afLer me. And Lhe house lsn'L unheaLed.
1here's coal ln Lhe drlfL mlne up Sllme-burn and uodd brlngs lL down. 1he basLard does Lhe
cooklng.'
'And LhaL's anoLher Lhlng,' sald ur Magrew, who raLher suspecLed LhaL LockharL had
cooked Lhelr dlnner, 'your dlgesLlon won'L sLand Lhe sLraln and you can'L expecL Lo keep Lhe
boy cooped up here for ever. lL's Llme he saw someLhlng of Lhe world.'
'noL Llll l flnd ouL who hls faLher ls,' sald Mr llawse malevolenLly. 'And when l do l'll
horsewhlp Lhe swlne Lo wlLhln an lnch of hls llfe.'
'?ou'll noL be flL Lo horsewhlp anyone unless you Lake our advlce,' sald ur Magrew.
'lsn'L LhaL your oplnlon, 8ullsLrode?'
'Speaklng as your frlend and legal advlser,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode glowlng ln Lhe
candlellghL, 'l would say LhaL l would regreL Lhe premaLure endlng of Lhese pleasanL
occaslons by vlrLue of an obsLlnaLe dlsregard for Lhe weaLher and our advlce. ?ou're noL a
young man and Lhe quesLlon of your wlll...'
'uamn my wlll, slr,' sald old Mr llawse, 'l'll make a wlll when l know whom l'm
seLLllng my money on and noL before. And whaL ls Lhls advlce you offer so readlly?'
'1ake a crulse,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'somewhere hoL and sunny. l'm Lold Lhe food ls
excellenL.'
Mr llawse sLared lnLo Lhe depLhs of Lhe decanLer and consldered Lhe proposlLlon.
1here was someLhlng ln whaL hls frlends advlsed and besldes Lhere had recenLly been
complalnLs from several LenanL farmers LhaL LockharL, lacklng any more fleeL-fooLed quarry,
had Laken Lo poL-shooLlng sheep aL flfLeen hundred yards, complalnLs LhaL had been
conflrmed by LockharL's culslne. 1hey had had underdone muLLon Loo frequenLly of laLe for
Mr llawse's dlgesLlon and consclence, and besldes LockharL was elghLeen and lL was hlgh
Llme he goL shoL of Lhe lad before someone goL shoL by hlm. As lf Lo relnforce Lhls oplnlon
Lhere came Lhe sound from Lhe klLchen of Mr uodd's norLhumbrlan plpes playlng a
melancholy alr whlle LockharL saL opposlLe hlm llsLenlng, [usL as he llsLened Lo Mr uodd's
sLorles of Lhe grand old days and Lhe besL way Lo poach pheasanL or Llckle LrouL.
'l'll Lhlnk abouL lL,' Mr llawse sald flnally.

1haL nlghL a heavy fall of snow declded hlm, and ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode came down
Lo breakfasL Lo flnd hlm ln a more amenable mood.
'l'll leave Lhe arrangemenLs Lo you, 8ullsLrode,' he sald as he flnlshed hls coffee and
llL a blackened plpe. 'And Lhe basLard wlll go wlLh me.'
'Pe'll need a blrLh cerLlflcaLe Lo geL a passporL,' sald Lhe sollclLor, 'and...'
'8orn ln a dlLch and dle ln a dyke. l'll only reglsLer hlm when l know who hls faLher
ls,' sald Mr llawse glowerlng.
'CulLe,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode who dldn'L wanL Lo go lnLo Lhe quesLlon of horsewhlpplng
so early ln Lhe mornlng. 'l suppose we could sLlll have hlm puL on your passporL.'
'noL as hls faLher,' snarled Mr llawse, Lhe depLhs of whose feellngs for hls grandson
were parLly Lo be explalned by Lhe Lerrlble susplclon LhaL he hlmself mlghL noL alLogeLher be
devold of responslblllLy for LockharL's concepLlon. 1he memory of one drunken encounLer
wlLh a housekeeper who had seemed on recollecLlon Lo have been younger and more
reslsLanL Lhan her dayLlme appearance had led hlm Lo expecL sLlll haunLed hls consclence.
'noL as hls faLher.'
'As hls grandfaLher,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode. 'l'll need a phoLograph.'
Mr llawse wenL Lhrough Lo hls sLudy, rummaged ln a bureau drawer and reLurned
wlLh one of LockharL aged Len. Mr 8ullsLrode sLudled lL dublously.
'Pe's changed a loL slnce Lhen,' he sald.
'noL Lo my knowledge,' sald Mr llawse, 'and l should know. Pe was ever a gormless
louL.'
'Aye, and for all pracLlcal purposes a non-exlsLenL one,' sald ur Magrew. '?ou know
he's noL reglsLered on Lhe naLlonal PealLh sysLem, and lf he's ever Laken lll l can foresee
conslderable dlfflculLles ln Lhe maLLer of obLalnlng LreaLmenL.'
'Pe's never known a day's lllness ln hls llfe,' Mr llawse reLorLed. 'A healLhler bruLe lL
would be dlfflculL Lo flnd.'
'Pe could have an accldenL,' Mr 8ullsLrode polnLed ouL.
8uL Lhe old man shook hls head. ''1ls Loo much Lo be hoped for. uodd's seen Lo lL he
knows how Lo handle hlmself ln an emergency. ?ou'll have heard Lhe saylng LhaL a poacher
makes Lhe besL gamekeeper?' Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew had. 'Well, uodd's Lhe reverse.
Pe's a gamekeeper who would make Lhe besL poacher,' conLlnued Mr llawse, 'whlch ls whaL
he has made of Lhe basLard. 1here's noL a blrd nor beasL safe wlLhln LwenLy mlles when he's
abroad.'
'1alklng of abroad,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, noL wlshlng as a sollclLor Lo be prlvy Lo
LockharL's lllegal acLlvlLles, 'where would you llke Lo go?'
'Somewhere SouLh of Suez,' sald Mr llawse whose memory for klpllng was noL whaL
lL had been. 'l'll leave Lhe resL Lo you.'

1hree weeks laLer LockharL and hls grandfaLher lefL llawse Pall ln Lhe anclenL brougham Mr
llawse used for hls more formal means of LransporL. As wlLh everyLhlng else modern he
eschewed Lhe moLor car. Mr uodd saL up fronL aL Lhe relns, and behlnd was Lled Lhe cabln
Lrunk Mr llawse had lasL used ln 1910 on a voyage Lo CalcuLLa. As Lhe horses claLLered down
Lhe meLalled Lrack from Lhe Pall, LockharL was ln a sLaLe of hlgh expecLaLlon. lL was hls flrsL
[ourney lnLo Lhe world of hls grandfaLher's memorles and hls own lmaglnaLlon. lrom
Pexham Lhey Look Lhe Lraln Lo newcasLle and from newcasLle Lo London and SouLhampLon,
Mr llawse all Lhe way complalnlng LhaL Lhe London norLh-LasLern 8allway wasn'L whaL lL
had been forLy years before and LockharL asLonlshed Lo dlscover LhaL noL all women had
parLlal beards and varlcose velns. 8y Lhe Llme Lhey reached Lhe shlp old Mr llawse was
exhausLed Lo Lhe polnL of Lwlce supposlng, Lhanks Lo Lhe complexlon of Lwo LlckeL collecLors,
LhaL he was already back ln CalcuLLa. lL was wlLh Lhe greaLesL dlfflculLy and Lhe leasL
examlnaLlon of hls passporL LhaL he was helped up Lhe gangway and down Lo hls cabln.
'l shall dlne here ln Lhe sLaLeroom,' he Lold Lhe sLeward. '1he boy wlll sup alofL.'
1he sLeward looked aL Lhe 'boy' and declded noL Lo argue LhaL Lhe cabln was noL
sLrlcLly a sLaLeroom, nor LhaL dlnners ln cablns were Lhlngs of Lhe pasL.
'We've goL one of Lhe old sorL ln number 19,' he Lold Lhe sLewardess afLerwards,
'and when l say old l mean old. Wouldn'L surprlse me lf he salled on Lhe _1lLanlc.'_
'l LhoughL Lhey all drowned,' sald Lhe sLewardess, buL Lhe sLeward knew beLLer. 'noL
all. 1haL old sod's a survlvor lf ever l saw one and hls ruddy grandson's llke someLhlng ouL of
Lhe Ark and l don'L mean someLhlng cuddly.'

1haL evenlng as Lhe _Ludlow CasLle_ salled down Lhe SolenL, old Mr llawse dlned ln hls
sLaLeroom, and lL was LockharL, dressed consplcuously ln Lalls and whlLe Lle whlch had once
belonged Lo a larger uncle, who made hls way up Lo Lhe llrsL Class ulnlng Saloon and was
conducLed Lo a Lable aL whlch saL Mrs SandlcoLL and her daughLer !esslca. lor a momenL,
sLunned by !esslca's beauLy, he heslLaLed, Lhen bowed and saL down.
LockharL llawse had noL fallen ln love aL flrsL slghL. Pe had plunged.


ChapLer 1wo


And !esslca followed sulL. Cne look aL Lhls Lall, broad-shouldered young man who bowed and
!esslca knew she was ln love. 8uL lf wlLh Lhe young couple lL was love aL flrsL slghL, wlLh Mrs
SandlcoLL lL was calculaLlon aL second. LockharL's appearance ln whlLe Lle and Lalls and hls
general alr of lncoherenL embarrassmenL had a profound effecL upon her, and when durlng
Lhe meal he managed Lo sLammer LhaL hls grandfaLher was dlnlng ln Lhelr sLaLeroom Mrs
SandlcoLL's suburban soul Lhrllled Lo Lhe sound.
'?our sLaLeroom?' she asked. '?ou dld say your sLaLeroom?'
'?es,' mumbled LockharL, 'you see he's nlneLy and Lhe [ourney from Lhe Pall faLlgued
hlm.'
'1he Pall,' murmured Mrs SandlcoLL and looked slgnlflcanLly aL her daughLer.
'llawse Pall,' sald LockharL. 'lL's Lhe famlly seaL.'
Cnce agaln Mrs SandlcoLL's depLhs were sLlrred. 1he clrcles ln whlch she moved dld
noL have famlly seaLs and here, ln Lhe shape of Lhls angular and large youLh whose accenL,
acqulred from old Mr llawse, wenL back Lo Lhe laLe nlneLeenLh cenLury, she percelved Lhose
soclal aLLrlbuLes Lo whlch she had long asplred.
'And your grandfaLher ls really nlneLy?' LockharL nodded. 'lL's amazlng LhaL such an
elderly man should be Laklng a crulse aL hls Llme of llfe,' conLlnued Mrs SandlcoLL. 'uoesn'L
hls poor wlfe mlss hlm?'
'l really don'L know. My grandmoLher dled ln nlneLeen LhlrLy-flve,' sald LockharL, and
Mrs SandlcoLL's hopes rose even hlgher. 8y Lhe end of Lhe meal she had wlnkled Lhe sLory of
LockharL's llfe from hlm, and wlLh each new plece of lnformaLlon Mrs SandlcoLL's convlcLlon
grew LhaL aL long, long lasL she was on Lhe brlnk of an opporLunlLy Loo good Lo be mlssed.
She was parLlcularly lmpressed by LockharL's admlsslon LhaL he had been educaLed by
prlvaLe LuLors. Mrs SandlcoLL's world mosL cerLalnly dld noL lnclude people who had Lhelr
sons educaLed by LuLors. AL besL Lhey senL Lhem Lo ubllc Schools. And so, as coffee was
served, Mrs SandlcoLL was poslLlvely purrlng. She knew now LhaL she had noL been wrong Lo
come on Lhe crulse and when flnally LockharL rose and llfLed her chalr back for her and Lhen
for !esslca, she wenL down Lo her cabln wlLh her daughLer ln a sLaLe of soclal ecsLasy.
'WhaL a very nlce young man,' she sald, 'Such charmlng manners and so well broughL
up.'
!esslca sald noLhlng. She dld noL wanL Lo spoll Lhe savour of her feellngs by reveallng
Lhem. She had been overwhelmed by LockharL buL ln a dlfferenL way Lo her moLher. lf
LockharL represenLed a soclal world Lo whlch Mrs SandlcoLL asplred, Lo !esslca he was Lhe
very soul of romance. And romance was all ln all Lo her. She had llsLened Lo hls descrlpLlon of
llawse Pall on llawse lell close under llawse 8lgg, and had garnlshed each word wlLh a new
slgnlflcance LhaL came from Lhe romanLlc novels wlLh whlch she had fllled Lhe empLlness of
her adolescence. lL was an empLlness LhaL amounLed Lo vaculLy.

AL elghLeen !esslca SandlcoLL was endowed wlLh physlcal charms beyond her conLrol and an
lnnocence of mlnd LhaL was boLh Lhe faulL and despalr of her moLher. 1o be more preclse,
her lnnocence resulLed from Lhe laLe Mr SandlcoLL's wlll ln whlch he had lefL all Lwelve
houses ln SandlcoLL CrescenL 'Lo my darllng daughLer, !esslca, on her reachlng Lhe age of
maLurlLy'. 1o hls wlfe he bequeaLhed SandlcoLL & arLner, CharLered AccounLanLs and 1ax
ConsulLanLs, of Wheedle SLreeL ln Lhe ClLy of London. 8uL Lhe laLe Mr SandlcoLL's wlll had
bequeaLhed more Lhan Lhese Langlble asseLs. lL had lefL Mrs SandlcoLL wlLh a sense of
grlevance and Lhe convlcLlon LhaL her husband's premaLure deaLh aL Lhe age of forLy-flve
was proof poslLlve LhaL she had marrled no genLleman, Lhe proof of hls ungenLlemanllness
lylng ln hls fallure Lo deparL Lhls world aL leasL Len years earller when she was sLlll aL a
reasonably remarrlageable age, or, falllng LhaL, Lo have lefL her hls enLlre forLune. lrom Lhls
mlsforLune Mrs SandlcoLL had formed Lwo resoluLlons. 1he flrsL was LhaL her nexL husband
would be a very rlch man wlLh a llfe expecLancy of as few years as posslble and preferably
wlLh a Lermlnal lllness, Lhe second Lo see LhaL !esslca reached Lhe age of maLurlLy as slowly
as a rellglous educaLlon could delay. So far she had falled ln her flrsL ob[ecLlve and only
parLly succeeded ln her second.
!esslca had been Lo several convenLs, and Lhe plural was lndlcaLlve of her moLher's
parLlal fallure. AL Lhe flrsL she had developed a rellglous fervour of such pronounced
proporLlons LhaL she had declded Lo become a nun and subLracL her own worldly
possesslons by addlng Lhem Lo Lhose of Lhe Crder. Mrs SandlcoLL had removed her
preclplLaLely Lo a less persuaslve convenL and for a Llme Lhlngs looked dlsLlncLly brlghLer.
unforLunaLely, so dld several nuns. !esslca's angellc face and lnnocence of soul had so
comblned LhaL four nuns fell madly ln love wlLh her and Lhe MoLher Superlor, Lo save Lhelr
souls, had requesLed LhaL !esslca's dlsLurblng lnfluence be removed. Mrs SandlcoLL's self-
evldenL argumenL LhaL she wasn'L Lo blame for her daughLer's aLLracLlons and LhaL lf anyone
oughL Lo be expelled lL was Lhe lesblan nuns cuL no lce wlLh Lhe MoLher Superlor.
'l do noL blame Lhe chlld. She was made Lo be loved,' she sald wlLh susplclous
emoLlon and ln dlrecL conLradlcLlon Lo Mrs SandlcoLL's vlews on Lhe sub[ecL. 'She wlll make
some good man a wonderful wlfe.'
'knowlng men raLher more lnLlmaLely Lhan l hope you do,' rlposLed Mrs SandlcoLL,
'she wlll marry Lhe flrsL scoundrel who asks her.'
lL was a faLefully accuraLe predlcLlon. 1o proLecL her daughLer from LempLaLlon and
Lo malnLaln her own flnanclal lncome from Lhe renLs of Lhe houses ln SandlcoLL CrescenL,
Mrs SandlcoLL had conflned !esslca Lo her home and a correspondence course ln Lyplng. 8y
Lhe Llme !esslca reached elghLeen lL was sLlll lmposslble Lo say of her LhaL she had reached
Lhe age of maLurlLy. lf anyLhlng she had regressed and whlle Mrs SandlcoLL supervlsed Lhe
runnlng of SandlcoLL & arLner, Lhe parLner belng a Mr 1reyer, !esslca sank back lnLo a
llLerary slough of romanLlc novels populaLed enLlrely by splendld young men. ln shorL she
llved ln a world of her lmaglnaLlon, Lhe fecundlLy of whlch was proven one mornlng when
she announced LhaL she was ln love wlLh Lhe mllkman and lnLended Lo marry hlm. Mrs
SandlcoLL sLudled Lhe mllkman nexL day and declded LhaL Lhe Llme had come for desperaLe
measures. 8y no sLreLch of her own lmaglnaLlon could she vlsuallze Lhe mllkman as an
ellglble young man. Per argumenLs Lo Lhls effecL, backed by Lhe facL LhaL Lhe mllkman was
forLy-nlne, marrled and Lhe faLher of slx chlldren, and hadn'L been consulLed by hls brlde-Lo-
be ln any case, falled Lo lnfluence !esslca.
'l shall sacrlflce myself Lo hls happlness,' she sald. Mrs SandlcoLL deLermlned
oLherwlse and prompLly booked Lwo LlckeLs on Lhe _Ludlow CasLle_ ln Lhe convlcLlon LhaL
whaLever else Lhe shlp mlghL have Lo offer ln Lhe way of posslble husbands for her daughLer,
Lhey couldn'L be less ellglble Lhan Lhe mllkman. 8esldes, she had herself Lo Lhlnk of, and
crulse llners were noLorlously happy hunLlng-grounds for mlddle-aged wldows wlLh an eye
Lo Lhe maln chance. 1haL Mrs SandlcoLL's own eye was fasLened on an anclenL and
poLenLlally Lermlnal old man wlLh money only made Lhe prospecL of Lhe voyage Lhe more
deslrable. And LockharL's appearance had heralded Lhe malnesL chance of all, an ellglble and
evldenLly half-wlLLed young man for her ldloL daughLer and ln hls sLaLeroom a genLleman of
nlneLy wlLh an enormous esLaLe ln norLhumberland. 1haL nlghL Mrs SandlcoLL wenL Lo sleep
a cheerful woman. ln Lhe bunk above !esslca slghed and murmured Lhe maglcal words,
'LockharL llawse of llawse Pall on llawse lell close under llawse 8lgg.' 1hey formed a llLany
of llawse Lo Lhe rellglon of romance.

Cn Lhe boaL-deck LockharL leanL on Lhe rall and sLared ouL over Lhe sea, hls hearL fllled wlLh
feellngs as LurbulenL as Lhe whlLe wake of Lhe shlp. Pe had meL Lhe mosL wonderful glrl ln
Lhe world and for Lhe very flrsL Llme he reallzed LhaL women were noL slmply
unprepossesslng creaLures who cooked meals, swepL floors and, havlng made beds, made
sLrange nolses ln Lhem laLe aL nlghL. 1here was more Lo Lhem Lhan LhaL buL whaL LhaL
someLhlng more was LockharL could only guess.
Pls knowledge of sex was llmlLed Lo Lhe dlscovery, made whlle guLLlng rabblLs, LhaL
bucks had balls and does dldn'L. 1here appeared Lo be some connecLlon beLween Lhese
anaLomlcal dlfferences LhaL accounLed for ladles havlng bables and men noL. Cn Lhe one
occaslon he had aLLempLed Lo explore Lhe dlfference furLher by asklng Lhe LuLor ln urdu how
MlzrlaL begaL Ludln ln Cenesls 10:13 he had recelved a clouL across Lhe ear LhaL had
Lemporarlly deafened hlm and had glven hlm Lhe permanenL lmpresslon LhaL such quesLlons
were beLLer lefL unasked. Cn Lhe oLher hand he was aware LhaL Lhere was such a Lhlng as
marrlage and LhaL ouL of marrlage came famllles. Cne of hls dlsLanL llawse couslns had
marrled a farmer from Llsdon and had subsequenLly ralsed four chlldren. 1he housekeeper
had Lold hlm as much and no more, excepL LhaL lL had been a shoLgun marrlage whlch had
merely deepened Lhe mysLery, shoLguns ln LockharL's experlence belng reserved for puLLlng
Lhlngs Lo deaLh raLher Lhan brlnglng Lhem Lo llfe.
1o make maLLers even more lncomprehenslble, Lhe only occaslons on whlch hls
grandfaLher had permlLLed hlm Lo vlslL hls relaLlves, had been Lo Lhelr burlals. Mr llawse
en[oyed funerals lmmensely. 1hey relnforced hls bellef LhaL he was hardler Lhan any oLher
llawse and LhaL deaLh was Lhe only cerLalnLy. 'ln any uncerLaln world we can Lake
consolaLlon ln Lhe verlLy, Lhe eLernal verlLy, LhaL deaLh comes Lo us all ln Lhe end,' he would
Lell a bereaved wldow Lo Lerrlble effecL. And afLerwards, ln Lhe [aunLlng carL he used for such
ouLlngs, he would expaLlaLe glowlngly Lo LockharL on Lhe merlLs of deaLh as preserver of
moral values. 'WlLhouL lL we would have noLhlng Lo sLop us from behavlng llke cannlbals. 8uL
puL Lhe fear of deaLh up a man and lL has a wondrously purgaLlve effecL.'
And so LockharL had conLlnued ln lgnorance of Lhe facLs of llfe whlle acqulrlng
exLenslve knowledge of Lhose of deaLh. lL was lefL Lo hls bodlly funcLlons and hls feellngs Lo
gulde hlm ln qulLe conLrary dlrecLlons ln Lhe maLLer of sex. Lacklng a moLher and loaLhlng
mosL of hls grandfaLher's housekeepers, hls feellngs for women were decldedly negaLlve. Cn
Lhe more poslLlve slde he goL a greaL deal of pleasure from nocLurnal emlsslons. 8uL Lhelr
slgnlflcance escaped hlm. Pe dldn'L have weL dreams ln Lhe presence of women and he
dldn'L have women aL all.
And so leanlng on Lhe guard rall sLarlng down aL Lhe whlLe foam ln Lhe moonllghL
LockharL expressed hls new feellngs ln lmages he knew besL. Pe longed Lo spend Lhe resL of
hls llfe shooLlng Lhlngs and laylng Lhem aL !esslca SandlcoLL's feeL. WlLh Lhls exalLed noLlon of
love LockharL wenL down Lo Lhe cabln where old Mr llawse, clad ln a red flannel nlghLgown,
was snorlng nolslly, and cllmbed lnLo bed.

lf Mrs SandlcoLL's expecLaLlons had been aroused by LockharL's appearance aL dlnner Lhey
were conflrmed by old Mr llawse aL breakfasL. uressed ln a sulL LhaL had been ouL of fashlon
as far back as 1923, he cuL a swaLhe Lhrough subservlenL walLers wlLh an arrogance far older
Lhan hls sulL and, Laklng hls place wlLh a 'Cood mornlng Lo you, ma'am', surveyed Lhe menu
wlLh dlsgusL.
'l wanL porrldge,' he Lold Lhe headwalLer who hovered nervously, 'and none of your
half-bolled mush. CaLs, man, oaLs.'
'?es, slr, and whaL Lo follow?'
'A double raLlon of eggs and bacon. And flnd some kldneys,' sald Mr llawse Lo Lhe
prognosLlc dellghL of Mrs SandlcoLL, who knew all Lhere was Lo know abouL cholesLerol. 'And
by double l mean double. lour eggs and a dozen rashers. 1hen LoasL and marmalade and
Lwo large poLs of Lea. And Lhe same goes for Lhe boy.'
1he walLer hurrled away wlLh Lhls leLhal order and Mr llawse looked over hls glasses
aL Mrs SandlcoLL and !esslca.
'?our daughLer, ma'am?' he lnqulred.
'My only daughLer,' murmured Mrs SandlcoLL.
'My compllmenLs Lo you,' sald Mr llawse wlLhouL maklng lL clear wheLher he was
pralslng Mrs SandlcoLL for her daughLer's beauLy or her slngularlLy. Mrs SandlcoLL blushed
her acknowledgemenL. Mr llawse's old-world manners were almosL as enchanLlng Lo her as
hls age. lor Lhe resL of Lhe meal Lhere was sllence broken only by Lhe old man's denunclaLlon
of Lhe Lea as weaker Lhan well-waLer and hls lnslsLence on a proper poL of breakfasL Lea you
could sLand your spoon up ln. 8uL lf Mr llawse appeared Lo be concenLraLlng on hls bacon
and eggs and Lea LhaL conLalned enough Lannln Lo scour lLs way Lhrough a blocked sewer-
plpe, hls acLual LhoughLs were elsewhere and moved along llnes very slmllar Lo Lhose of Mrs
SandlcoLL Lhough wlLh a raLher dlfferenL emphasls. ln Lhe course of hls long llfe he had learnL
Lo smell a snob a mlle off and Mrs SandlcoLL's deference sulLed hlm well. She would, he
consldered, make an excellenL housekeeper. 8eLLer sLlll, Lhere was her daughLer. She was
clearly a gormless glrl, and [usL as clearly an ldeal maLch for hls gormless grandson. Mr
llawse observed LockharL ouL of Lhe corner of a waLery eye and recognlzed Lhe sympLoms of
love.
'Sheep's eyes,' he muLLered aloud Lo hlmself Lo Lhe confuslon of Lhe hoverlng walLer,
who apologlzed for Lhelr noL belng on Lhe menu.
'And who sald Lhey were?' snapped Mr llawse and dlsmlssed Lhe man wlLh a wave
of a moLLled hand.
Mrs SandlcoLL absorbed all Lhese deLalls of behavlour and calculaLed Mr llawse Lo
be exacLly Lhe man she had been walLlng for, a nonagenarlan wlLh an enormous esLaLe, and
Lherefore an enormous bank accounL, and an appeLlLe for [usL Lhose lLems on Lhe menu besL
sulLed Lo klll hlm off almosL lmmedlaLely. lL was Lherefore wlLh no affecLaLlon of graLlLude
LhaL she accepLed hls offer of a sLroll round Lhe deck afLer breakfasL. Mr llawse dlsmlssed
LockharL and !esslca Lo go and play deck quolLs, and presenLly he and Mrs SandlcoLL were
lapplng Lhe promenade deck aL a pace LhaL Look her breaLh away. 8y Lhe Llme Lhey had
covered Lhe old man's sLaLuLory Lwo mlles, Mrs SandlcoLL's breaLh had been Laken away for
oLher reasons. Mr llawse was noL a man Lo mlnce hls words.
'LeL me make myself plaln,' he sald unnecessarlly as Lhey Look Lhelr seaLs ln
deckchalrs, 'l am noL overglven Lo delaylng my LhoughLs. ?ou have a daughLer of
marrlageable age and l have a grandson who oughL Lo be marrled. Am l rlghL?'
Mrs SandlcoLL ad[usLed Lhe blankeL round her knees and sald wlLh some show of
dellcacy LhaL she supposed so.
'l am so, ma'am,' sald Mr llawse, 'l know lL and you know lL. ln LruLh we boLh know
lL. now, l am an old man and aL my age l cannoL expecL a sufflclenL fuLure Lo see my
grandson seLLled accordlng Lo hls sLaLlon. ln shorL, ma'am, as Lhe greaL MllLon expressed lL
'ln me Lhere's no delay'. ?ou Lake my meanlng?'
Mrs SandlcoLL Look lL and denled lL slmulLaneously. '?ou're qulLe remarkably flL for
your Llme of llfe, Mr llawse,' she sald encouraglngly.
'1haL's as may be, buL Lhe CreaL CerLalnLy looms,' sald Mr llawse, 'and 'Lls equally
cerLaln LhaL my grandson ls a nlncompoop who wlll ln a shorL Llme, belng my only helr, be a
rlch nlncompoop.'
Pe allowed Mrs SandlcoLL Lo savour Lhe prospecL for a momenL or Lwo. 'And belng a
nlncompoop he needs a wlfe who has her head screwed on Lhe rlghL way.'
Pe paused agaln and lL was on Lhe Llp of Mrs SandlcoLL's Longue Lo remark LhaL
!esslca's head, lf screwed on aL all, had been screwed on agalnsL Lhe Lhread, buL she
resLralned her words.
'l suppose you could say LhaL,' she sald.
'l can and l do,' conLlnued Mr llawse. 'lL has ever been a llawse LralL, ma'am, ln
chooslng our womenfolk, Lo Lake cognlzance of Lhelr moLhers, and l have no heslLaLlon ln
saylng LhaL you have a shrewd head for buslness, Mrs SandlcoLL, ma'am.'
'lL's very klnd of you Lo say so. Mr llawse,' Mrs SandlcoLL slmpered, 'and slnce my
poor husband dled l have had Lo be Lhe breadwlnner. SandlcoLL & arLner are charLered
accounLanLs and l have run Lhe buslness.'
'LxacLly,' sald Mr llawse. 'l have a nose for Lhese Lhlngs and lL would be a comforL Lo
know LhaL my grandson was ln good hands.' Pe sLopped. Mrs SandlcoLL walLed expecLanLly.
'And whaL hands dld you have ln mlnd, Mr llawse?' she asked flnally, buL Mr llawse
had declded Lhe Llme had come Lo felgn sleep. WlLh hls nose above Lhe blankeL and hls eyes
closed he snored sofLly. Pe had balLed Lhe Lrap. 1here was no polnL ln waLchlng over lL and
presenLly Mrs SandlcoLL sLole quleLly away wlLh mlxed feellngs. Cn Lhe one hand she had noL
come on Lhe crulse Lo flnd a husband for her daughLer, she had come Lo avold one. Cn Lhe
oLher, lf Mr llawse's words meanL anyLhlng he was looklng for a wlfe for hls grandson. lor
one wlld momenL Mrs SandlcoLL consldered LockharL for herself and lnsLanLly re[ecLed hlm.
lL was !esslca or no one, and Lhe loss of !esslca would mean Lhe loss of Lhe renL of Lhe Lwelve
houses ln SandlcoLL CrescenL. lf only Lhe old fool had proposed Lo her she would have seen
Lhlngs ln a dlfferenL llghL.
'1wo blrds wlLh one sLone,' she murmured Lo herself aL Lhe LhoughL of a double
kllllng. lL was worLh calculaLlng abouL. And so, as Lhe Lwo young lovers gambolled on Lhe
sun-deck, Mrs SandlcoLL ensconced herself ln a corner of Lhe llrsL Class Lounge and
calculaLed. 1hrough Lhe wlndow she could keep an eye on Lhe blankeLed flgure of Mr llawse
recumbenL ln Lhe deckchalr. Lvery now and agaln hls knees LwlLched. Mr llawse had glven
way Lo Lhose sexual excesses of Lhe lmaglnaLlon whlch were Lhe bane of hls non-conformlsL
consclence, and for Lhe flrsL Llme Mrs SandlcoLL flgured ln Lhem largely.


ChapLer 1hree


lmaglnaLlon played a large parL ln Lhe love LhaL blossomed beLween LockharL and !esslca.
Pavlng plunged Lhey sporLed llke waLer bables ln Lhe swlmmlng pool or frollcked aL deck
Lennls and as each day passed, and Lhe shlp sLeamed slowly souLh lnLo equaLorlal waLers,
Lhelr passlon grew lnarLlculaLely. noL enLlrely lnarLlculaLely buL when Lhey spoke durlng Lhe
day Lhelr words were maLLer-of-facL. lL was only aL nlghL, when Lhe older generaLlon danced
Lhe qulcksLep Lo Lhe shlp's band and Lhey were lefL alone Lo sLare down aL Lhe whlLe waLer
swlrllng from Lhe shlp's slde and lnvesL one anoLher wlLh Lhose quallLles Lhelr dlfferenL
upbrlnglngs had exLolled, LhaL Lhey spoke Lhelr feellngs. Lven Lhen lL was by way of oLher
people and oLher places LhaL Lhey Lold one anoLher whaL Lhey felL. LockharL Lalked of Mr
uodd and how aL nlghL he and Lhe gamekeeper would slL aL Lhe seLLle ln Lhe sLone-flagged
klLchen wlLh Lhe black lron range glowlng beLween Lhem whlle Lhe wlnd howled ln Lhe
chlmney ouLslde and Mr uodd's plpes walled lnslde. And of how he and Mr uodd would herd
Lhe sheep or sLalk game ln Lhe wooded valley known as Sllmeburn where Mr uodd dug coal
from a drlfL mlne LhaL had flrsL been worked ln 1803. llnally Lhere were Lhe flshlng
expedlLlons on Lhe greaL reservolr frlnged wlLh plne LhaL sLood a mlle from llawse Pall.
!esslca saw lL all so clearly Lhrough a mlsL of Mazo de la 8oche and 8ronLe and every
romanLlc novel she had ever read. LockharL was Lhe young gallanL come Lo sweep her off her
feeL and carry her from Lhe boredom of her llfe ln LasL ursley and away from her moLher's
cynlclsm Lo Lhe ever-ever land of llawse Pall on llawse lell close under llawse 8lgg where
Lhe wlnd blew flerce and Lhe snow lay Lhlck ouLslde buL all wlLhln was warm wlLh old wood
and dogs and Lhe swlrl of Mr uodd's norLhumbrlan plpes and old Mr llawse slLLlng aL Lhe
oval mahogany dlnlng-Lable dlspuLlng by candlellghL quesLlons of greaL momenL wlLh hls Lwo
frlends, ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode. ln Lhe LapesLry woven from LockharL's words she
creaLed a plcLure of a pasL whlch she dearly longed Lo make her fuLure.
LockharL's mlnd worked more pracLlcally. 1o hlm !esslca was an angel of radlanL
beauLy for whom he would lay down, lf noL hls own llfe, aL leasL LhaL of anyLhlng whlch
moved wlLhln range of hls mosL powerful rlfle.
8uL whlle Lhe young people were only lmpllclLly ln love, Lhe old were more
ouLspoken. Mr llawse, havlng balLed Lhe Lrap for anoLher housekeeper, walLed for Mrs
SandlcoLL's response. lL came laLer Lhan he had expecLed. Mrs SandlcoLL was noL a woman Lo
be husLled and she had calculaLed wlLh care. Cf one Lhlng she was cerLaln. lf Mr llawse
wanLed !esslca for hls daughLer-ln-law he musL Lake her moLher for hls wlfe. She broached
Lhe sub[ecL wlLh due care and by way of Lhe menLlon of properLy.
'lf !esslca were Lo marry,' she sald one evenlng afLer dlnner, 'l would be wlLhouL a
home.'
Mr llawse slgnalled hls dellghL aL Lhe news by orderlng anoLher brandy. 'Pow so,
ma'am?' he lnqulred.
'8ecause my poor dear laLe husband lefL all Lwelve houses ln SandlcoLL CrescenL,
lncludlng our own, Lo our daughLer and l would never llve wlLh Lhe young marrled couple.'
Mr llawse sympaLhlzed. Pe had llved long enough wlLh LockharL Lo know Lhe
hazards of sharlng a house wlLh Lhe bruLe. '1here ls always llawse Pall, ma'am. ?ou would
be very welcome Lhere.'
'As whaL? A Lemporary guesL or were you Lhlnklng of a more permanenL
arrangemenL?'
Mr llawse heslLaLed. 1here was an lnflexlon ln Mrs SandlcoLL's volce whlch
suggesLed LhaL Lhe permanenL arrangemenL he had ln mlnd mlghL noL be aL all Lo her llklng.
'1here need be noLhlng Lemporary abouL your belng a guesL, ma'am. ?ou could sLay as long
as you llked.'
Mrs SandlcoLL's eyes gllnLed wlLh suburban sLeel. 'And whaL preclsely would Lhe
nelghbours make of LhaL, Mr llawse?'
Mr llawse heslLaLed agaln. 1he facL LhaL hls nearesL nelghbours were slx mlles off aL
8lack ockrlngLon, and LhaL he dldn'L glve a Luppenny damn whaL Lhey LhoughL, presenLed a
prospecL LhaL had losL hlm Loo many housekeepers already and was unllkely Lo appeal Lo
Mrs SandlcoLL.
'l Lhlnk Lhey would undersLand,' he prevarlcaLed. 8uL Mrs SandlcoLL was noL Lo be
fobbed off wlLh undersLandlngs. 'l have my repuLaLlon Lo Lhlnk of,' she sald. 'l would never
consenL Lo sLaylng alone ln a house wlLh a man wlLhouL Lhere belng some legal sLaLus Lo my
belng Lhere.'
'Legal sLaLus, ma'am?' sald Mr llawse and Look a swlg of brandy Lo sLeady hls nerves.
1he bloody woman was proposlng Lo hlm.
'l Lhlnk you know whaL l mean,' sald Mrs SandlcoLL.
Mr llawse sald noLhlng. 1he ulLlmaLum was Loo clear.
'And so lf Lhe young couple are Lo be marrled,' she conLlnued remorselessly, 'and l
repeaL 'lf', Lhen l Lhlnk we should conslder our own fuLures.'
Mr llawse dld and found lL an uncerLaln one. Mrs SandlcoLL was noL a wholly
unaLLracLlve woman. Already ln hls dozlng fanLasles he had sLrlpped her naked and found
her plump body very much Lo hls LasLe. Cn Lhe oLher hand wlves had dlsadvanLages. 1hey
Lended Lo be domlneerlng and whlle a domlneerlng housekeeper could be sacked a wlfe
couldn'L, and Mrs SandlcoLL for all her deference seemed Lo be a sLrong-mlnded woman. 1o
spend Lhe resL of hls llfe wlLh a sLrong-mlnded woman was more Lhan he had bargalned for,
buL lf lL meanL geLLlng Lhe basLard LockharL off hls hands lL mlghL be worLh Lhe rlsk. 8esldes
Lhere was always Lhe lsolaLlon of llawse Pall Lo Lame Lhe sLrongesL-mlnded woman and he
would have an ally ln Mr uodd. ?es, deflnlLely an ally ln Mr uodd and Mr uodd was noL
wlLhouL resource. And flnally lf he couldn'L sack a wlfe nor could Lhe wlfe leave llke a
housekeeper. Mr llawse smlled lnLo hls brandy and nodded.
'Mrs SandlcoLL,' he sald wlLh unaccusLomed famlllarlLy, 'am l rlghL ln supposlng LhaL
lL would noL come averse Lo you Lo change you name Lo Mrs llawse?'
Mrs SandlcoLL beamed her assenL. 'lL would make me very happy, Mr llawse,' she
sald, and Look hls moLLled hand.
'1hen allow me Lo make you happy, ma'am,' sald Lhe old man, wlLh Lhe prlvaLe
LhoughL LhaL once he'd goL her up Lo llawse Pall she'd geL her flll of happlness one way or
anoLher. As lf Lo celebraLe Lhls forLhcomlng unlon of Lhe Lwo famllles Lhe shlp's band sLruck
up a foxLroL. When lL had flnlshed Mr llawse reLurned Lo more pracLlcal maLLers.
'l musL warn you LhaL LockharL wlll need employmenL,' he sald. 'l had always
lnLended Lo keep hlm Lo manage Lhe esLaLe he wlll one day lnherlL buL lf your daughLer has
Lwelve houses...'
Mrs SandlcoLL came Lo hls rescue. '1he houses are all leL and aL renLs flxed by Lhe
8enL 1rlbunal on long leases,' she sald, 'buL dear LockharL could always [oln my laLe
husband's flrm. l undersLand he ls clever wlLh flgures.'
'Pe has had an excellenL groundlng ln arlLhmeLlc. l have no heslLaLlon ln saylng so.'
'1hen he should do very well aL SandlcoLL & arLner, CharLered AccounLanLs and 1ax
ConsulLanLs,' sald Mrs SandlcoLL.
Mr llawse congraLulaLed hlmself on hls foreslghL. '1hen LhaL ls seLLled,' he sald.
'1here remalns slmply Lhe quesLlon of Lhe weddlng.'
'Weddlngs,' sald Mrs SandlcoLL, emphaslzlng Lhe plural. 'l had always hoped LhaL
!esslca would have a church weddlng.'
Mr llawse shook hls head. 'AL my age, ma'am, Lhere would be someLhlng
lncongruous abouL a church weddlng Lo be so closely followed by a funeral. l would prefer a
more cheerful venue. Mlnd you, l dlsapprove of reglsLry offlces.'
'Ch so do l,' Mrs SandlcoLL agreed, 'Lhey are so unromanLlc.'
8uL Lhere was noLhlng unromanLlc abouL Lhe old man's relucLance Lo see LockharL
marrled ln a reglsLry offlce. lL had dawned on hlm LhaL wlLhouL a blrLh cerLlflcaLe lL mlghL be
lmposslble Lo marry Lhe swlne off aL all. And besldes Lhere was sLlll Lhe facL of hls llleglLlmacy
Lo be concealed.
'l see no reason why Lhe CapLaln shouldn'L marry us,' he sald flnally. Mrs SandlcoLL
Lhrllled aL Lhe noLlon. lL comblned speed and no Llme for second LhoughLs wlLh an
eccenLrlclLy LhaL was almosL arlsLocraLlc. She could boasL abouL lL Lo her frlends.
'1hen l'll see Lhe CapLaln abouL lL ln Lhe mornlng,' sald Mr llawse, and lL was lefL Lo
Mrs SandlcoLL Lo break Lhe news Lo Lhe young couple.

She found Lhem on Lhe boaL-deck whlsperlng LogeLher. lor a momenL she sLood and
llsLened. 1hey so seldom spoke ln her presence LhaL she was curlous Lo know whaL Lhey dld
say Lo one anoLher ln her absence. WhaL she heard was boLh reassurlng and dlsLurblng.

'Ch, LockharL.'
'Ch, !esslca.'
'?ou're so wonderful.'
'So are you.'
'?ou really do mean LhaL?'
'Cf course l do.'
'Ch, LockharL.'
'Ch, !esslca.'
under Lhe gleamlng moon and Lhe gllLLerlng eye of Mrs SandlcoLL Lhey clasped one
anoLher ln Lhelr arms and LockharL Lrled Lo Lhlnk whaL Lo do nexL. !esslca supplled Lhe
answer.
'klss me, darllng.'
'Where?' sald LockharL.
'Pere?' sald !esslca and offered hlm her llps.
'1here?' sald LockharL. 'Are you sure?'
ln Lhe shadow of Lhe llfeboaL Mrs SandlcoLL sLlffened. WhaL she had [usL heard buL
couldn'L see was wlLhouL doubL nauseaLlng. LlLher her fuLure son-ln-law was menLally
deflclenL or her daughLer was sexually more sophlsLlcaLed, and ln Mrs SandlcoLL's oplnlon
poslLlvely perverse, Lhan she had ever dreamL. Mrs SandlcoLL cursed Lhose damned nuns.
LockharL's nexL remark conflrmed her fears.
'lsn'L lL a blL sLlcky?'
'Ch, darllng, you're so romanLlc,' sald !esslca, 'you really are.'
Mrs SandlcoLL wasn'L. She emerged from Lhe shadows and bore down on Lhem.
'1haL's qulLe enough of LhaL,' she sald as Lhey sLaggered aparL. 'When you're marrled you can
do whaLever you llke buL no daughLer of mlne ls golng Lo lndulge ln obscene acLs on Lhe
boaL-deck of a llner. 8esldes, someone mlghL see you.'
!esslca and LockharL sLared aL her ln amazemenL. lL was !esslca who spoke flrsL.
'When we're marrled? ?ou really dld say LhaL, mummy?'
'l sald exacLly LhaL,' sald Mrs SandlcoLL. 'LockharL's grandfaLher and l have declded
LhaL you should...'
She was lnLerrupLed by LockharL who, wlLh a gesLure of chlvalry LhaL so endeared
hlm Lo !esslca, knelL aL hls fuLure moLher-ln-law's feeL and reached ouL Lowards her. Mrs
SandlcoLL recolled abrupLly. LockharL's posLure comblned wlLh !esslca's recenL suggesLlon
was more Lhan she could sLomach.
'uon'L you dare Louch me,! she squawked and backed away. LockharL hasLened Lo
hls feeL.
'l only meanL...' he began buL Mrs SandlcoLL dldn'L wanL Lo know.
'never mlnd LhaL now. lL's Llme you boLh wenL Lo bed,' she sald flrmly. 'We can
dlscuss arrangemenLs for Lhe weddlng ln Lhe mornlng.'
'Ch, mummy...'
'And don'L call me 'mummy',' sald Mrs SandlcoLL. 'AfLer whaL l've [usL heard l'm noL
aL all sure l _am_ your moLher.'
She and !esslca lefL LockharL sLandlng bemused on Lhe boaL-deck. Pe was golng Lo
geL marrled Lo Lhe mosL beauLlful glrl ln Lhe world. lor a momenL he looked round for a gun
Lo flre Lo announce hls happlness buL Lhere was noLhlng. ln Lhe end he unhooked a llfebelL
from Lhe rall and hurled lL hlgh over Lhe slde lnLo Lhe waLer and gave a shouL of [oyful
Lrlumph. 1hen he Loo wenL down Lo hls cabln obllvlous of Lhe facL LhaL he had [usL alerLed
Lhe brldge Lo Lhe presence of 'Man Cverboard' and LhaL ln Lhe wake of Lhe llner Lhe llfebelL
bobbed franLlcally and lLs warnlng beacon glowed.
As Lhe englnes wenL full asLern and a boaL was lowered, LockharL saL on Lhe edge of
hls bunk llsLenlng Lo hls grandfaLher's lnsLrucLlons. Pe was Lo marry !esslca SandlcoLL, he was
Lo llve ln SandlcoLL CrescenL, LasL ursley, and sLarL work aL SandlcoLL & arLner.
'1haL's marvellous,' he sald when Mr llawse flnlshed, l couldn'L have wlshed for
anyLhlng beLLer.'
'l could,' sald Mr llawse, sLruggllng lnLo hls nlghLgown. 'l've goL Lo marry Lhe blLch Lo
geL rld of you.'
'1he blLch?' sald LockharL. '8uL l LhoughL...'
'1he moLher, you dunderhead,' sald Mr llawse and knelL on Lhe floor. 'Ch Lord, 1hou
knowesL LhaL l have been affllcLed for nlneLy years by Lhe carnal necesslLles of women,' he
crled. 'Make Lhese my flnal years beneflcenL wlLh Lhe peace LhaL passes all undersLandlng
and by 1hy greaL mercy lead me ln Lhe paLhs of rlghLeousness Lo Lhe faLher of Lhls my
basLard grandson, LhaL l may yeL flog Lhe swlne wlLhln an lnch of hls llfe. Amen.'
Cn Lhls cheerful noLe he goL lnLo bed and lefL LockharL Lo undress ln Lhe darkness,
wonderlng whaL Lhe carnal necesslLles of women were.

nexL mornlng Lhe CapLaln of Lhe _Ludlow CasLle,_ who had spenL half Lhe nlghL searchlng for
Lhe Man Cverboard and Lhe oLher half orderlng Lhe crew Lo check Lhe occupanLs of all cablns
Lo ascerLaln lf anyone had lndeed fallen over Lhe slde, was confronLed by Lhe apparlLlon of
Mr llawse dressed ln a mornlng sulL and grey Lopper.
'Marrled? ?ou wanL me Lo marry you?' sald Lhe CapLaln when Mr llawse had made
known hls requesL.
'l wanL you Lo conducL Lhe ceremony,' sald Mr llawse. 'l have nelLher Lhe deslre Lo
marry you nor you Lo marry me. 1ruLh be Lold, l don'L wanL Lo marry Lhe damned woman
elLher, buL needs musL when Lhe devll drlves.'
1he CapLaln eyed hlm uncerLalnly. Mr llawse's language, llke hls cosLume, noL Lo
menLlon hls advanced age, argued a senlllLy LhaL called for Lhe servlces of Lhe shlp's docLor
raLher Lhan hls own.
'Are you sure you know your own mlnd on Lhls maLLer?' he asked when Mr llawse
had furLher explalned LhaL noL only was Lhe marrlage Lo be beLween hlmself and Mrs
SandlcoLL buL beLween hls grandson and Mrs SandlcoLL's daughLer. Mr llawse brlsLled. 'l
know my own mlnd, slr, raLher beLLer Lhan lL would appear you know your own duLy. As
MasLer of Lhls vessel you are empowered by law Lo conducL marrlages and funerals. ls LhaL
noL so?'
1he CapLaln conceded LhaL lL was, wlLh Lhe prlvaLe reservaLlon LhaL ln Mr llawse's
case hls weddlng and burlal aL sea were llkely Lo follow raLher Loo closely for comforL.
'8uL wouldn'L lL be beLLer lf you were Lo walL unLll we reach Cape 1own?' he asked.
'Shlpboard romances Lend Lo be very LranslLory affalrs ln my experlence.'
'ln your experlence,' sald Mr llawse, 'l dare say Lhey do. ln mlne Lhey don'L. 8y Lhe
Llme you reach four-score years and Len any romance ls ln Lhe naLure of Lhlngs bound Lo be
a LranslLory affalr.'
'l see LhaL,' sald Lhe CapLaln. 'And how does Mrs SandlcoLL feel abouL Lhe maLLer?'
'She wanLs me Lo make an honesL woman of her. An lmposslble Lask ln my oplnlon
buL so be lL,' sald Mr llawse. '1haL's whaL she wanLs and LhaL's whaL she wlll geL.'
lurLher argumenL merely resulLed ln Mr llawse loslng hls Lemper and Lhe CapLaln
submlLLlng. 'lf Lhe old fool wanLs Lhe weddlng,' he Lold Lhe urser laLer, 'l'm damned lf l can
sLop hlm. lor all l know he'll lnsLlLuLe an acLlon under MarlLlme Law lf l refuse.'

And so lL was as Lhe shlp salled Lowards Lhe Cape of Cood Pope LhaL LockharL llawse and
!esslca SandlcoLL became Mr and Mrs llawse whlle Mrs SandlcoLL achleved her long
amblLlon of marrylng a very rlch old man wlLh buL a shorL Llme Lo llve. Mr llawse for hls parL
consoled hlmself wlLh Lhe LhoughL LhaL whaLever dlsadvanLages Lhe ex-Mrs SandlcoLL mlghL
dlsplay as a wlfe, he had rld hlmself once and for all of a basLard grandson whlle acqulrlng a
housekeeper who need never be pald and would never be able Lo glve noLlce. As lf Lo
emphaslze Lhls laLLer polnL he refused Lo leave Lhe shlp whlle she lay ln Cape 1own, and lL
was lefL Lo !esslca and LockharL Lo spend Lhelr honeymoon chasLely cllmblng 1able MounLaln
and admlrlng one anoLher from Lhe Lop. When Lhe shlp seL ouL on Lhe reLurn voyage only
Lhelr names and Lhelr cablns had changed. Mrs SandlcoLL found herself closeLed wlLh old Mr
llawse and prey Lo Lhose sexual excesses whlch had prevlously been reserved for hls former
housekeepers and of laLe for hls lmaglnaLlon. And ln her old cabln !esslca and LockharL lay ln
one anoLher's arms as lgnoranL of any furLher purpose ln Lhelr marrlage as Lhelr slngular
upbrlnglngs had lefL Lhem. lor anoLher eleven days Lhe shlp salled norLh and by Lhe Llme Lhe
Lwo marrled couples dlsembarked aL SouLhampLon, lL could be sald LhaL, aparL from old Mr
llawse, whose excesses had Laken some Loll of hls sLrengLh and who had Lo be carrled down
Lhe gangway ln a wheelchalr, Lhey were all enLerlng upon a new llfe.


ChapLer lour


lf Lhe world of llawse Pall on llawse lell close under llawse 8lgg, norLhumberland, had
played a large parL ln persuadlng !esslca LhaL LockharL was Lhe hero she wanLed Lo marry,
Lhe world of SandlcoLL CrescenL, LasL ursley, Surrey, had played no parL ln LockharL's cholce
aL all. used as he was Lo Lhe open moors of Lhe 8order counLry where Lhe curlews, unLll he
shoL Lhem, crled, SandlcoLL CrescenL, a cul-de-sac of Lwelve subsLanLlal houses seL ln
subsLanLlal gardens and occupled by subsLanLlal LenanLs wlLh subsLanLlal lncomes, was a
world aparL from anyLhlng he knew. 8ullL ln Lhe LhlrLles as an lnvesLmenL by Lhe foreslghLed
lf laLe Mr SandlcoLL, Lhe Lwelve houses were bordered Lo Lhe souLh by Lhe ursley Colf
Course and Lo Lhe norLh by Lhe blrd sancLuary, a sLreLch of gorse and blrch whose proper
purpose was less Lo preserve blrd llfe Lhan Lo malnLaln Lhe properLy values of Mr SandlcoLL's
lnvesLmenL. ln shorL lL was an enclave of large houses wlLh maLure gardens. Lach house was
as dlfferenL ln sLyle and slmllar ln comforL as Lhe lngenulLy of archlLecLs could make lL.
seudo-1udor prevalled, wlLh an admlxLure of SLockbroker Spanlsh Colonlal, dlsLlngulshed by
green glazed Llles, and one 8rlLlsh 8auhaus wlLh a flaL roof, small square wlndows and Lhe
occaslonal porLhole Lo add a nauLlcal alr. And everywhere Lrees and bushes, lawns and
rockerles, rose bushes and ramblers were carefully cllpped and Lrlmmed Lo lndlcaLe Lhe
culLlvaLlon of Lhelr owners and Lhe selecLness of Lhe dlsLrlcL. All ln all, SandlcoLL CrescenL was
Lhe helghL of suburbla, Lhe apex of LhaL archlLecLural Lrlangle whlch marked Lhe hlghesL
polnL of Lhe Lopographlcal charL of mlddle-class amblLlon. 1he resulL was LhaL Lhe raLes were
enormous and Lhe renLs flxed. Mr SandlcoLL for all hls prudence had noL foreseen Lhe 8enL
AcL and CaplLal Calns 1ax. under Lhe former Lhere was no way of evlcLlng LenanLs or
lncreaslng Lhe renL Lhey pald Lo a flnanclally proflLable sum, under Lhe laLLer Lhe sale of a
house earned more for Lhe Lxchequer Lhan lL dld for Lhe owner, LogeLher Lhe 8enL AcL and
Lhe Lax nulllfled all Mr SandlcoLL's provlslons for hls daughLer's fuLure. llnally, and mosL
aggravaLlngly of all, from Mrs SandlcoLL's polnL of vlew, Lhe lnhablLanLs of Lhe CrescenL Look
plenLy of exerclse, aLe senslble dleLs and generally refused Lo obllge her by dylng.
lL was ln large parL Lhe knowledge LhaL she was saddled wlLh Lwelve unsaleable
houses whose comblned renLs barely covered Lhe cosL of Lhelr malnLenance LhaL had
persuaded Mrs SandlcoLL LhaL !esslca had reached Lhe age of maLurlLy she had so
asslduously delayed. lf Mr llawse had rld hlmself of Lhe llablllLy of LockharL, Mrs SandlcoLL
had done much Lhe same wlLh !esslca and wlLhouL furLher lnqulry lnLo Lhe exLenL of Mr
llawse's forLune. lL had seemed enough LhaL he owned flve Lhousand acres, a Pall and had
buL a shorL llfe expecLancy.
8y Lhe Llme Lhey had dlsembarked she had begun Lo have doubLs. Mr llawse had
lnslsLed on lmmedlaLely caLchlng a Lraln Lo London and Lhence Lo newcasLle and had
absoluLely refused Lo allow Mrs llawse Lo collecL her belonglngs flrsL or Lo drlve hlm norLh ln
her large 8over.
'Ma'am,' he sald, 'l place no falLh ln Lhe lnfernal combusLlon englne. l was born
before lL and l do noL lnLend Lo dle behlnd lL.' Mrs llawse's argumenLs had been counLered
by hls orderlng Lhe porLer Lo puL Lhelr baggage on Lhe Lraln. Mr llawse followed Lhe baggage
and Mrs llawse followed hlm. LockharL and !esslca were lefL Lo move sLralghL lnLo number
12 SandlcoLL CrescenL wlLh Lhe promlse Lo have her belonglngs packed and senL by removal
van Lo llawse Pall as qulckly as posslble.
And so Lhe young couple sLarLed Lhelr marrled buL unorLhodox llfe ln a house wlLh
flve bedrooms, a double garage and a workshop ln whlch Lhe laLe Mr SandlcoLL, who had
been handy wlLh Lools, had made Lhlngs. Lach mornlng LockharL lefL Lhe house, walked Lo
Lhe sLaLlon and caughL Lhe Lraln Lo London. 1here ln Lhe offlces of SandlcoLL & arLner he
began hls apprenLlceshlp under Mr 1reyer. lrom Lhe sLarL Lhere were dlfflculLles. 1hey lay
less wlLh LockharL's ablllLy Lo cope wlLh flgures--hls llmlLed educaLlon had lefL hlm
maLhemaLlcally exceedlngly proflclenL--Lhan ln Lhe dlrecLness of hls approach Lo Lhe
problems of Lax avoldance, or as Mr 1reyer preferred Lo call lL, lncome roLecLlon.
'lncome and AsseL roLecLlon,' he Lold LockharL, 'has a more poslLlve rlng Lo lL Lhan
Lax avoldance. And we musL be poslLlve.'
LockharL Look hls advlce and comblned lL wlLh Lhe poslLlve slmpllclLy hls grandfaLher
had adopLed Lowards maLLers of lncome Lax. Slnce Lhe old man had LransacLed all posslble
buslness ln cash and had made a hablL of hurllng every leLLer from Lhe lncome 1ax
auLhorlLles lnLo Lhe flre wlLhouL readlng lL whlle aL Lhe same Llme orderlng Mr 8ullsLrode Lo
lnform Lhe bureaucraLlc swlne LhaL he was loslng money noL maklng lL, LockharL's adopLlon
of hls meLhods aL SandlcoLL & arLner, whlle lnlLlally successful, was ulLlmaLely caLasLrophlc.
Mr 1reyer had been dellghLed aL flrsL Lo flnd hls ln Lray so empLy, and lL was only hls early
arrlval one mornlng Lo dlscover LockharL uslng Lhe LolleL as an lnclneraLor for all envelopes
marked, 'Cn Per Ma[esLy's Servlce' LhaL alerLed hlm Lo Lhe cause of Lhe sudden cessaLlon of
flnal demands. Worse sLlll, Mr 1reyer had long used whaL he called hls non-LxlsLenL LeLLer
devlce as a means of confuslng lncome 1ax offlclals Lo Lhe polnL where Lhey had nervous
breakdowns or demanded Lo be Lransferred Lo oLher correspondence. Mr 1reyer was proud
of hls non-LxlsLenL LeLLer Lechnlque. lL conslsLed of supposed replles whlch began '?our
leLLer of Lhe 3Lh refers...' when ln facL no leLLer of Lhe 3Lh had been recelved. 1he
consequenL exchange of lncreaslngly acrlmonlous denlals by Lax offlclals and Mr 1reyer's
conLlnued asserLlons had been exLremely beneflclal Lo hls cllenLs lf noL Lo Lhe nerves of
lncome 1ax offlclals. LockharL's arson deprlved hlm of Lhe ablllLy Lo sLarL leLLers beglnnlng
'?our leLLer of Lhe 3Lh refers...' wlLh any confldence LhaL one dldn'L.
'lor all l know Lhere may well have been half a dozen bloody leLLers of Lhe 3Lh and
all of Lhem referrlng Lo some vlLal plece of lnformaLlon l know noLhlng abouL,' he shouLed aL
LockharL who prompLly suggesLed LhaL he Lry Lhe 6Lh lnsLead. Mr 1reyer regarded hlm wlLh
sLarLlng eyes.
'Whlch slnce you burnL Lhose Loo ls a bloody useless suggesLlon,' he bawled.
'Well, you Lold me lL was our buslness Lo proLecL our cllenLs' lnLeresLs and Lo be
poslLlve,' sald LockharL, 'and LhaL's whaL l was dolng.'
'Pow Lhe hell can we proLecL cllenLs' lnLeresLs when we don'L know whaL Lhey are?'
Mr 1reyer demanded.
'8uL we do,' sald LockharL. 'lL's all Lhere ln Lhelr flles. l mean Lake Mr Cypsum, Lhe
archlLecL. l was looklng ln hls flle Lhe oLher day and he made 80,000 Lhe year before lasL
and all he pald ln lncome Lax was 1,738. 1he resL wenL ln expenses. LeL me see. Pe spenL
16,000 ln Lhe 8ahamas ln May and...'
'SLop,' yelled Mr 1reyer, on Lhe verge of apoplexy, 'l don'L wanL Lo hear whaL he
spenL...uear ChrlsL!'
'Well, LhaL's whaL he sald he dld,' ob[ecLed LockharL. 'lL's Lhere ln hls leLLer Lo you.
16,000 ln four days. WhaLever do you Lhlnk he dld wlLh all LhaL money ln only four days?'
Mr 1reyer leanL forward and cluLched hls head wlLh a hand. 1o be lumbered wlLh a
menLally deflclenL creaLure wlLh a phoLographlc memory who wenL around burnlng Per
Ma[esLy's Cfflclal correspondence wlLh a dlsregard LhaL bordered on Lhe lnsane was
shorLenlng hls llfe.
'Look,' he sald as paLlenLly as he could, 'from now on l don'L wanL you Lo go
anywhere near Lhose flles, you or anyone else, do you undersLand?'
'?es,' sald LockharL. 'WhaL l don'L undersLand ls why Lhe rlcher you are Lhe less Lax
you pay. 1here's Cypsum earnlng a whacklng 80,000 and paylng 1,738.40 pence whlle Mrs
onsonby who only goL 6,313.32 pence ln lncome had Lo shell ouL 2,472. l mean...'
'ShuL up,' screamed Mr 1reyer, 'l don'L wanL Lo hear any more of your quesLlons and
l don'L wanL Lo caLch you wlLhln Len yards of a flllng cablneL. ls LhaL clear?'
'lf you say so,' sald LockharL.
'l do say so,' sald Mr 1reyer. 'lf l so much as see you glanclng Lowards Lhe flles...Ch
geL ouL.'
LockharL goL ouL and Mr 1reyer Lrled Lo resLore hls shaLLered nerves by Laklng a plnk
plll and a paper cup of whlsky. 1wo days laLer he had cause Lo regreL hls lnsLrucLlons. A
serles of Lerrlble screams from Lhe room whlch conLalned Lhe value Added 1ax records senL
hlm scurrylng Lhrough Lo flnd an offlcer of Lhe CusLoms and Lxclse vA1 deparLmenL Lrylng Lo
exLrlcaLe hls flngers from Lhe drawer of a flllng cablneL whlch LockharL had slammed shuL
[usL as he was reachlng for a flle.
'Well, you Lold me noL Lo leL anyone go near Lhose flles,' LockharL explalned as Lhe
vA1 man was led away Lo have four broken flngers aLLended Lo by a docLor. Mr 1reyer
sLared aL hlm frenzledly and Lrled Lo Lhlnk of an adequaLe phrase Lo descrlbe hls deLesLaLlon.
'l mean,' conLlnued LockharL, 'lf he had lald a hand on Mr llxsLeln's vA1 records...'
'Lald a hand!' screamed Mr 1reyer almosL as loudly as Lhe vA1 man. '1he poor sod
won'L have a hand Lo lay afLer whaL you've [usL been and done Lo hlm. And whaL's worse
we'll have a hundred Lxclse men descend on us LonlghL and go Lhrough our books wlLh a
flne-LooLh comb.' Pe paused and Lrled Lo Lhlnk of a way ouL of Lhe ghasLly mess. 'now you
[usL go Lhrough and apologlze and Lell hlm lL was an accldenL and perhaps...'
'l won'L,' sald LockharL. 'lL wasn'L.'
'l know lL bloody wasn'L,' yelled Mr 1reyer. 'l suppose lf he had sLuck hls fucklng
head lnslde you'd have done Lhe same.'
'l doubL lL,' sald LockharL.
'l don'L. SLlll lL's a rellef Lo know...' Mr 1reyer began buL LockharL ended whaL llLLle
rellef he had known.
'l would have klcked Lhe door shuL,' he sald.
'ChrlsL,' sald Mr 1reyer, 'lL's llke llvlng wlLh a murderer.'
1haL nlghL Lhe sLaff aL SandlcoLL & arLner worked laLe Lransferrlng records Lo a
8enL-A-van Lo be Laken Lo a barn ln Lhe counLry unLll Lhe vA1 sLorm was over. And nexL day
LockharL was Laken off all accounLlng and glven an offlce of hls own.
'lrom now on you wlll sLay ln Lhere and lf Lhere ls anyLhlng l Lhlnk l can LrusL you noL
Lo make a hash of l'll glve lL Lo you,' sald Mr 1reyer. LockharL saL aL hls desk and walLed buL lL
was four days before Mr 1reyer could Lhlnk of anyLhlng for hlm Lo do.
'l've goL Lo go Lo PaLfleld,' he sald, 'and Lhere's a Mr SLoppard comlng ln aL Lwelve-
LhlrLy. l'll be back by Lwo so all l wanL you Lo do ls Lo Lake hlm ouL and glve hlm an expense-
accounL lunch unLll l geL back. 1haL should be easy enough. !usL buy hlm lunch. 8lghL?'
'8uy hlm lunch?' sald LockharL. 'Who pays?'
'1he flrm pays, you fool. l sald an expense-accounL lunch, dldn'L l?' Pe wenL away
de[ecLedly buL wlLh Lhe feellng LhaL LockharL could hardly make a LoLal cock-up of a lunch
wlLh one of Lhe flrm's oldesL cllenLs. Mr SLoppard was a reLlcenL man aL Lhe besL of Llmes
and, belng a gourmeL, seldom spoke durlng a meal. When Mr 1reyer reLurned Mr SLoppard
was voluble Lo a degree. Mr 1reyer Lrled Lo appease hlm and havlng flnally goL rld of hlm
senL for LockharL.
'WhaL ln Lhe name of heaven made you Lake LhaL bloody man Lo a flsh and chlp
shop?' he asked Lrylng Lo conLrol hls blood pressure.
'Well, you sald lL was an expense-accounL lunch and we'd goL Lo pay and l LhoughL
Lhere was no polnL ln wasLlng money so--'
'1houghL?' yelled Mr 1reyer leLLlng hls blood pressure go Lo hell and gone. '1houghL?
And wasLlng money? WhaL Lhe hell do you Lhlnk an expense-accounL lunch ls for lf lL lsn'L Lo
wasLe money? 1he meal ls Lax-deducLlble.'
'?ou mean Lhe more a lunch cosLs Lhe less we pay?' sald LockharL.
'?es,' slghed Mr 1reyer, 'LhaL ls preclsely whaL l mean. now Lhe nexL Llme...'
1he nexL Llme LockharL Look a LelcesLer shoe manufacLurer Lo Lhe Savoy Crlll and
wlned and dlned hlm Lo Lhe Lune of one hundred and flfLy pounds, only Lo refuse Lo pay
more Lhan flve when Lhe blll was presenLed. lL had Laken Lhe comblned efforLs of Lhe shoe
manufacLurer and Mr 1reyer, hasLlly summoned from a bouL of flu, Lo persuade LockharL Lo
pay Lhe one hundred and forLy-flve pounds' dlfference and make good Lhe damage done Lo
Lhree Lables and four walLers ln Lhe alLercaLlon LhaL had ensued. AfLer LhaL Mr 1reyer wroLe
Lo Mrs llawse LhreaLenlng Lo reslgn unless LockharL was removed from Lhe flrm, and whlle
walLlng for a reply he barred LockharL from leavlng hls offlce excepL Lo relleve hlmself.

8uL lf LockharL, Lo puL lL as mlldly as modern parlance wlll allow, was havlng a [ob
ad[usLmenL problem ln Wheedle SLreeL, hls marrlage proceeded as sweeLly as lL had sLarLed.
And as chasLely. WhaL was lacklng was noL love--LockharL and !esslca were passlonlessly ln
love--buL sex. 1he anaLomlcal dlfferences beLween males and females he had deLecLed whlle
guLLlng rabblLs proved accuraLe ln humans. Pe had balls and !esslca dldn'L. !esslca had
breasLs, large ones aL LhaL, and he dldn'L--or only of Lhe mosL rudlmenLary klnd. 1o furLher
compllcaLe maLLers, when Lhey wenL Lo bed aL nlghL and lay ln one anoLher's arms he had an
erecLlon and !esslca dldn'L. 1he facL LhaL he also had whaL are crudely Lermed 'lovers' balls'
and spenL parL of Lhe nlghL ln agony he was Loo brave and genLlemanly Lo menLlon. 1hey
slmply lay ln one anoLher's arms and klssed. WhaL happened afLer LhaL he had no ldea and
!esslca had no ldea elLher. Per moLher's deLermlnaLlon Lo reLard her age of maLurlLy had
succeeded as compleLely as had Mr llawse's equal deLermlnaLlon LhaL hls grandson should
lnherlL none of hls moLher's sexual vlces. 1o compound Lhls lgnorance LockharL's educaLlon,
grounded ln Lhe mosL anclenL of classlcal vlrLues, complemenLed !esslca's LasLe for Lhe
slckllesL of hlsLorlcal romances ln whlch sex was never menLloned. 1aken LogeLher Lhls
fearful comblnaLlon led Lhem Lo ldeallze one anoLher Lo Lhe exLenL LhaL lL was lmposslble for
LockharL Lo concelve of dolng anyLhlng more poslLlve Lhan worshlp !esslca and for !esslca Lo
concelve aL all. ln brlef, Lhelr marrlage was never consummaLed and when afLer slx weeks
!esslca had her perlod raLher more publlcly Lhan before, LockharL's flrsL lmpulse was Lo
phone for an ambulance. !esslca ln some dlsLress managed Lo deLer hlm.
'lL happens once a monLh,' she sald cluLchlng a sanlLary napkln Lo her wlLh one hand
whlle holdlng Lhe phone down wlLh Lhe oLher.
'lL doesn'L,' sald LockharL, 'l've never bled llke LhaL ln my llfe.'
'1o glrls,' sald !esslca, 'noL Lo boys.'
'l sLlll say you oughL Lo see a docLor,' lnslsLed LockharL.
'8uL lL's been golng on for ever so long.'
'All Lhe more reason for seelng Lhe docLor. lL's obvlously someLhlng chronlc'
'Well, lf you lnslsL,' sald !esslca. LockharL dld. And so one mornlng when LockharL
had gone Lo hls lonely vlgll ln Lhe offlce, !esslca vlslLed Lhe docLor.
'My husband ls worrled abouL my bleedlng,' she sald. 'l Lold hlm noL Lo be sllly buL he
would lnslsL.'
'?our husband?' sald Lhe docLor flve mlnuLes laLer, havlng dlscovered LhaL Mrs
llawse was sLlll a vlrgln. '?ou dld say 'your husband'?'
'?es,' sald !esslca proudly, 'hls name ls LockharL. l Lhlnk LhaL's a wonderful name,
don'L you?'
ur ManneL consldered Lhe name, !esslca's manlfesL aLLracLlons, and Lhe posslblllLy
LhaL Mr llawse, far from havlng a locked hearL, musL have a padlocked penls noL Lo have
been drlven sexually berserk by Lhe proxlmlLy of such a beauLlful wlfe. Pavlng run Lhrough
Lhls sequence he assumed Lhe alr of a counsellor and leanL on Lhe desk Lo conceal hls own
physlcal reacLlon.
1ell me, Mrs llawse,' he sald wlLh an urgency LhaL was lmpelled by Lhe almosL
cerLaln feellng LhaL he was abouL Lo have a sponLaneous emlsslon, 'has your husband
never...' Pe sLopped and shuddered vlolenLly ln hls chalr. ur ManneL had. 'l mean,' he began
agaln when Lhe convulslon was over, 'well...leL me puL lL Lhls way, have you refused Lo leL
hlm...er...Louch you?'
'Cf course noL,' sald !esslca who had waLched Lhe docLor's Lhroes wlLh some
concern, 'we're always klsslng and cuddllng.'
'klsslng and cuddllng,' sald ur ManneL wlLh a whlmper, '!usL klsslng
and...er...cuddllng? noLhlng more?'
'More?' sald !esslca. 'WhaL more?'
ur ManneL looked despalrlngly lnLo her angellc face. ln a long career as a Ceneral
racLlLloner he had never been faced by such a beauLlful woman who dld noL know LhaL
Lhere was more Lo marrlage Lhan klsslng and cuddllng.
'?ou don'L do anyLhlng else ln bed?'
'Well, we go Lo sleep of course,' sald !esslca.
'uear Lord,' murmured Lhe docLor, 'you go Lo sleep! And you do absoluLely noLhlng
else?'
'LockharL snores,' sald !esslca, Lhlnklng hard, 'buL l can'L Lhlnk of anyLhlng else ln
parLlcular.'
Across Lhe desk ur ManneL could and dld hls damnedesL noL Lo.
'And has no one ever explalned where bables come from?' he asked, lapslng lnLo
LhaL nursery whlmsy LhaL seemed Lo emanaLe from Mrs llawse.
'SLorks,' sald !esslca blunLly.
'SLalks?' echoed Lhe docLor, whose own sLalk was playlng hlm up agaln.
'Cr herons. l forgeL whlch. 1hey brlng Lhem ln Lhelr beaks.'
'8eaks?' gurgled Lhe docLor, now deflnlLely back ln Lhe nursery.
'ln llLLle cradles of cloLh,' conLlnued !esslca, obllvlous of Lhe effecL she was havlng.
'1hey have Lhese llLLle cradles of cloLh and Lhey carry Lhem ln Lhelr beaks. Surely you've seen
plcLures of Lhem. And Lhelr mummles are ever so pleased. ls someLhlng Lhe maLLer?'
8uL ur ManneL was holdlng hls head ln hls hands and sLarlng aL a prescrlpLlon pad.
Pe had shoL hls bolL agaln.
'Mrs llawse, dear Mrs llawse,' he whlmpered when Lhe crlsls was pasL, 'lf you'll [usL
leave your Lelephone number...8eLLer sLlll, would you mlnd lf l had a word wlLh your
husband, Lockprlck...'
'ParL,' sald !esslca, 'LockharL. ?ou wanL hlm Lo come and see you?'
ur ManneL nodded feebly. Pe had always prevlously dlsapproved of Lhe permlsslve
socleLy buL [usL aL LhaL momenL he had Lo admlL LhaL Lhere were Lhlngs Lo be sald ln lLs
favour.
'!usL ask hlm Lo come and see me, wlll you? Lxcuse me for noL rlslng. ?ou know Lhe
way ouL.'
!esslca wenL ouL and made an appolnLmenL for LockharL. ln Lhe consulLlng-room ur
ManneL worked feverlshly on hls Lrousers and donned a whlLe lab coaL Lo cover Lhe havoc
!esslca had provoked.

8uL lf Mrs llawse had been a dlsLurblng lf pleasurable paLlenL, her husband was even more
dlsLurblng and deflnlLely noL pleasurable. lrom Lhe sLarL he had eyed Lhe docLor wlLh
dangerous susplclon broughL on by !esslca's accounL of ur ManneL's poklng and proddlng
and general gynaecologlcal curloslLy. 8y Lhe Llme ur ManneL had spoken for flve mlnuLes Lhe
susplclon had gone and Lhe danger doubled.
'Are you suggesLlng,' sald LockharL wlLh a grlmness LhaL made one of Lhe more awful
AzLec gods look poslLlvely amlable, 'LhaL l should lnLrude whaL you have chosen Lo call my
penls lnLo Lhe person of my wlfe and LhaL Lhls lnLruslon should Lake place Lhrough Lhe orlflce
beLween her legs?'
ur ManneL nodded. 'More or less,' he muLLered, 'Lhough l wouldn'L puL lL qulLe llke
LhaL.'
'Whlch orlflce,' conLlnued LockharL more feroclously Lhan ever, 'belng Loo small wlll
Lhen spllL and cause her paln and sufferlng and...'
'Cnly Lemporarlly,' sald ur ManneL, 'and lf you ob[ecL l can always make a sllghL
lnclslon myself.'
'Cb[ecL?' snarled LockharL and grabbed Lhe docLor by Lhe Lle. 'lf you Lhlnk for one
momenL l'm golng Lo leL you Louch my wlfe wlLh your foul !ohn Wlllle--'
'noL my !ohn Wlllle, Mr llawse,' gurgled Lhe sLrangulaLed docLor, 'wlLh a scalpel.'
lL was an unwlse suggesLlon. As LockharL's grlp LlghLened ur ManneL Lurned from
puce Lo purple and was passlng Lo black when LockharL released hls grlp and hurled hlm
back lnLo hls chalr.
'?ou come near my wlfe wlLh a scalpel,' he sald, 'and l'll guL you llke a dead rabblL
and have your balls for breakfasL.'
ur ManneL Lrled Lo geL hls volce back whlle conslderlng Lhls awful end. 'Mr llawse,'
he whlspered flnally, 'lf you wlll [usL bear wlLh me a momenL. 1he purpose of whaL l call your
penls and whaL you prefer Lo regard as your !ohn Wlllle ls noL solely Lo pass waLer. l hope l
make myself plaln.'
'?ou do,' sald LockharL. 'very plaln, noL Lo say downrlghL ugly.'
'1haL's as may be,' conLlnued Lhe docLor. 'now ln Lhe course of your adolescence you
musL aL one Llme or anoLher have noLlced LhaL your pen...!ohn Wlllle gave you pleasurable
sensaLlons.'
'l suppose you could say LhaL,' sald LockharL grudglngly. 'AL nlghL.'
'reclsely,' sald Lhe docLor. 'AL nlghL you had weL dreams.'
LockharL admlLLed LhaL he had had dreams and LhaL Lhe resulLs had someLlmes been
weL.
'Cood,' sald Lhe docLor, 'now we're geLLlng somewhere. And ln Lhose dreams were
you noL consclous of an overwhelmlng deslre for women?'
'no,' sald LockharL, 'l mosL cerLalnly wasn'L.'
ur ManneL shook hls head carefully Lo rld hlmself of Lhe feellng LhaL he was deallng
wlLh some vlolenL and wholly unconsclous homosexual who havlng Lurned nasLy once mlghL
Lurn murderous a second Llme. Pe Lrod warlly.
'Would you mlnd Lelllng me whaL you dld dream abouL?'
LockharL consulLed hls memory for a momenL. 'Sheep,' he sald flnally.
'Sheep?' sald ur ManneL falnLly. '?ou had weL dreams abouL sheep?'
'Well, l don'L know abouL Lhe weL parL,' sald LockharL, 'buL l cerLalnly dreamL abouL
sheep a loL.'
'And dld you do anyLhlng Lo Lhese sheep you dreamL abouL?'
'ShoL Lhem,' sald LockharL blunLly.
ur ManneL's sense of unreallLy grew alarmlngly. '?ou shoL sheep ln your sleep,' he
sald wlLh lnvolunLary alllLeraLlon. 'ls LhaL whaL you're slaylng .., saylng?'
'l shoL Lhem anyway,' sald LockharL. 'Wasn'L anyLhlng much else Lo shooL so l Look Lo
poLLlng Lhem aL flfLeen hundred yards.'
'oLLlng Lhem?' sald Lhe docLor sllpplng paedlaLrlcally. '?ou poLLed sheep aL flfLeen
hundred yards? lsn'L LhaL a blL dlfflculL?'
'Well, you've goL Lo alm up and off a blL, buL aL LhaL range Lhey've goL a runnlng
chance.'
'?es, l suppose Lhey do,' sald Lhe docLor, who wlshed he had. 'And havlng poLLed
Lhem you Lhen had sponLaneous emlsslons abouL Lhem?'
LockharL sLudled hlm wlLh concern now mlxed wlLh hls dlsgusL. 'l don'L know whaL
Lhe hell you're Lalklng abouL,' he sald. 'llrsL you flddle wlLh my wlfe and Lhen you ask me
here and sLarL Lalklng abouL fucklng sheep...'
ur ManneL selzed on Lhe expresslon. 'Ah,' he sald, headlng for besLlallLy, 'so havlng
shoL sheep you fucked Lhem?'
'uld l?' sald LockharL who had plcked up Lhe slx-leLLer word from Mr 1reyer who
used lL frequenLly ln lLs seven-leLLer varleLy when speaklng Lo or abouL LockharL. lL was
usually sufflxed by ldloL.
'Well, you should know,' sald ur ManneL.
'l may have done,' sald LockharL, who dldn'L. 'Anyway afLerwards we had Lhem for
dlnner.'
ur ManneL shuddered. Much more of Lhese appalllng revelaLlons and he would be ln
need of Lherapy hlmself.
'Mr llawse,' he sald deLermlned Lo change Lhe sub[ecL, 'whaL you dld or dld noL do
wlLh sheep ls beslde Lhe polnL. ?our wlfe consulLed me because she sald you were
concerned abouL her mensLrual dlscharge...'
'l was concerned abouL her bleedlng,' sald LockharL.
'CulLe so, her monLhly perlod. We call lL mensLruaLlon.'
'l call lL bloody horrlble,' sald LockharL. 'And worrylng.'
So dld ur ManneL buL he Look palns noL Lo say so. 'now Lhe facLs are slmply Lhese.
Lvery woman--'
'Lady,' sald LockharL lrrlLably.
'Lady whaL?'
'uon'L call my wlfe a woman. She ls a lady, a radlanL, beauLlful, angellc--'
ur ManneL forgoL hlmself. More parLlcularly he forgoL LockharL's propenslLy for
vlolence. 'never mlnd all LhaL,' he snapped. 'Any woman who can brlng herself Lo llve wlLh a
man who openly admlLs a preference for fucklng sheep has goL Lo be an angel, never mlnd
Lhe radlanL or beauLlful...'
'l mlnd,' sald LockharL and broughL Lhe ouLbursL Lo a sudden end.
ur ManneL remembered hlmself. 'All rlghL, glven LhaL Mrs llawse ls a lady lL ls
neverLheless Lrue LhaL as a lady she naLurally produces an ovum every monLh and Lhls ovum
descends her lalloplan Lubes and unless lL ls ferLlllzed lL passes ouL ln Lhe form of...'
Pe ground Lo a halL. LockharL had gone AzLec agaln.
'WhaL do you mean ferLlllzed?' he snarled.
ur ManneL Lrled Lo Lhlnk of some way of explalnlng Lhe process of ferLlllzlng an
ovum wlLhouL causlng furLher offence. 'WhaL you do,' he sald wlLh an unnaLural calm, 'ls you
puL your pen...!esus...your !ohn Wlllle lnLo her vaglna and...uear Cod.' Pe gave up ln despalr
and rose from hls chalr.
So dld LockharL. '1here you go agaln,' he shouLed. 'llrsL you Lalk abouL dunglng my
wlfe and now you're on abouL shovlng my !ohn Wlllle--'
'uung?' screamed Lhe docLor backlng lnLo a corner. 'Who sald anyLhlng abouL dung?'
'uung's ferLlllzer,' bawled LockharL. 'ulg lL and dung lL. 1haL ls whaL we do ln our
klLchen garden and lf you Lhlnk...'
8uL ur ManneL was pasL LhoughL. All he wanLed Lo do was obey hls lnsLlncLs and geL
Lhe hell ouL of hls consulLlng-room before Lhls sheep-obsessed manlac lald hands on hlm
agaln. 'nurse, nurse,' he screamed as LockharL sLrode Lowards hlm. 'lor Cod's sake...' 8uL
LockharL's fury had abaLed.
'Call yourself a docLor,' he snapped and wenL ouL Lhe door. ur ManneL sank back
lnLo hls chalr and called hls parLner. 8y Lhe Llme he had prescrlbed hlmself LhlrLy mllllgrams
of vallum washed down wlLh vodka and was able Lo puL hls words lnLo coherenL order he
was deLermlned Lo sLrlke Mr and Mrs llawse off hls books for ever.
'uon'L leL elLher of Lhem lnLo Lhe walLlng-room ever agaln,' he Lold Lhe nurse. 'Cn
paln of deaLh.'
'8uL lsn'L Lhere someLhlng we can do for poor Mrs llawse?' sald Lhe nurse 'She
seemed such a sweeL glrl.'
'My advlce Lo her would be Lo geL a dlvorce as qulckly as posslble,' sald ur ManneL
fervenLly. 'lalllng LhaL, a hysLerecLomy would be Lhe only Lhlng. 1he LhoughL of LhaL man
breedlng...'

CuLslde ln Lhe sLreeL LockharL slowly unclenched hls [aw and flsLs. Comlng aL Lhe end of a
day ln whlch he had been conflned Lo an oLherwlse empLy offlce wlLh noLhlng whaLsoever Lo
do, Lhe docLor's advlce had been Lhe lasL sLraw. Pe loaLhed London, Mr 1reyer, ur ManneL,
LasL ursley and everyLhlng abouL Lhls lnsane roLLen world lnLo whlch he had been launched
by hls marrlage. Lvery slngle Lhlng abouL lL confllcLed absoluLely wlLh whaL he had been
broughL up Lo belleve. ln place of LhrlfL Lhere were expense-accounL lunches and raLes of
lnflaLlonary lnLeresL LhaL were downrlghL usury, lnsLead of courage and beauLy he found
arranL cowardlce ln men--Lhe docLor's squeals for help had made hlm Loo conLempLlble Lo
hlL--and ln every bulldlng he saw only ugllness and a sordld obelsance Lo uLlllLy, and flnally Lo
cap lL all Lhere was Lhls omnlpresenL concern wlLh someLhlng called sex whlch grubby llLLle
cowards llke ur ManneL wanLed Lo subsLlLuLe for love. LockharL walked along Lhe sLreeL
Lhlnklng of hls love for !esslca. lL was pure and holy and wonderful. Pe saw hlmself as her
proLecLor and Lhe noLlon LhaL he musL hurL her Lo prove hlmself a duLlful husband was
uLLerly repellenL Lo hlm. Pe passed a newsagenL's shop on whose racks were magazlnes
dlsplaylng largely nude glrls, dressed ln Lhe brlefesL of brlefs or plasLlc maclnLoshes, and hls
gorge rose wlLh dlsgusL aL Lhelr supposed appeal. 1he world was roLLen and corrupL and he
longed Lo be back on llawse lell wlLh hls rlfle ln hls hands and some ldenLlflable LargeL
beLween hls slghLs whlle hls darllng !esslca saL ln Lhe sLone-flagged klLchen by Lhe black lron
range walLlng for hlm Lo come home wlLh Lhelr supper. And wlLh LhaL longlng Lhere came
Lhe deLermlnaLlon Lo make lL come Lrue.
Cne of Lhese days he would Lake on Lhe whole roLLen world and lmpose hls wlll on
lL, come hell or hlgh waLer, and Lhen people would learn whaL lL meanL Lo cross LockharL
llawse. ln Lhe meanLlme he had Lo geL home. lor a momenL he LhoughL of caLchlng Lhe bus
buL lL was only slx mlles Lo SandlcoLL CrescenL and LockharL was used Lo coverlng LhlrLy ln a
day across Lhe grassy fells of Lhe 8order counLry. WlLh rage agalnsL everyone excepL !esslca
and hls grandfaLher and Mr uodd, LockharL sLrode off down Lhe sLreeL.


ChapLer llve


AL llawse Pall Lhe ex-Mrs SandlcoLL shared none of LockharL's feellngs. She would have
glven anyLhlng, mosL speclflcally sLrychnlne, Lo old Mr llawse, Lo be back ln Lhe cosy
conflnes of SandlcoLL CrescenL and Lhe company of her acqualnLances. lnsLead she was
Lrapped ln a large cold house on an empLy wasLeland, where Lhe snow lay deep and Lhe
wlnd howled lncessanLly, wlLh a horrld old man and hls even more horrld gamekeeper-cum-
handyman, Mr uodd. Per husband's horrldness had manlfesLed lLself almosL as soon as Lhey
had Laken Lhelr seaLs on Lhe Lraln from SouLhampLon, and wlLh each mlle norLh lL had
lncreased whlle Mrs llawse's convlcLlon LhaL she had made a Lerrlble mlsLake grew lnLo a
cerLalnLy.
Cld Mr llawse on land had none of LhaL old-world charm LhaL had so affecLed her aL
sea. lrom belng an eccenLrlc and ouLspoken old man ln hls doLage, he had relapsed lnLo an
eccenLrlc and ouLspoken old man wlLh more faculLles aL hls command Lhan hls age
warranLed. orLers scurrled wlLh Lhelr luggage, LlckeL collecLors crlnged, and even hardened
Laxl-drlvers noLorlous for Lhelr rudeness when glven an lnadequaLe Llp held Lhelr Longues
whlle Mr llawse dlspuLed Lhe fare and grudglngly gave Lhem an exLra penny. Mrs llawse had
been lefL speechless by hls auLhorlLy whlch flaunLed a dlsregard for every LeneL of her
suburban creed and LreaLed Lhe world as hls oysLer.
Slnce Mrs llawse had already been LreaLed, almosL llLerally, as hls sexual oysLer Lo
be prlsed open on Lhelr honeymoon, she should noL have been surprlsed. lL had been bad
enough Lo dlscover on Lhelr flrsL nlghL LhaL Mr llawse wore a red flannel nlghLgown wlLh an
odour all hls own and LhaL he falled Lhree Llmes Lo dlsLlngulsh beLween Lhe washbasln and
Lhe lavaLory bowl. Mrs llawse had puL Lhese falllngs down Lo hls age and deflclenL eyeslghL
and sense of smell. She had been slmllarly dlsmayed when he knelL by Lhe bed and lmplored
Lhe good Lord Lo forglve hlm ln advance Lhe carnal excesses he was abouL Lo lnfllcL 'upon Lhls
Lhe person of my wedded wlfe'. LlLLle suspecLlng whaL he had ln mlnd, Mrs llawse found Lhls
prayer raLher compllmenLary. lL conflrmed her bellef LhaL she was sLlll aL flfLy-slx an
aLLracLlve woman and LhaL her husband was a deeply rellglous man. 1en mlnuLes laLer she
knew beLLer. WhaLever Lhe good Lord mlghL feel abouL Lhe maLLer of forglveness, Mrs
llawse's feellngs were lmplacable. She would never forglve or forgeL Lhe old man's carnal
excesses and any noLlon LhaL he was aL all rellglous had gone by Lhe board. Smelllng llke a
old fox, Mr llawse had behaved llke a young one, and had roamed abouL her body wlLh as
llLLle dlscrlmlnaLlon beLween polnLs of enLry, or as she more dellcaLely puL lL, 'her orlflces', as
he dld beLween Lhe washbasln and Lhe LolleL and wlLh much Lhe same lnLenL. leellng llke a
cross beLween a sexual colander and a cessplL, Mrs llawse had endured Lhe ordeal by
consollng herself LhaL such golngs-on, and Lhe old man had lndeed gone on and on and on,
musL end abrupLly ln hls havlng elLher a hearL aLLack or a hernla. Mr llawse obllged her on
nelLher counL and when she awoke nexL mornlng lL was Lo flnd hlm slLLlng up smoklng a foul
old plpe and regardlng her wlLh undlsgulsed rellsh. lor Lhe resL of Lhe voyage Mrs llawse
had waddled Lhe deck by day and sLraddled Lhe bed by nlghL ln Lhe dwlndllng hope LhaL Lhe
wages of hls sln would leave her shorLly a rlch and well-endowed wldow.
And so she had Lravelled norLh wlLh hlm deLermlned Lo see Lhe ordeal ouL Lo Lhe end
and noL Lo be deLerred by hls behavlour. 8y Lhe Llme Lhey reached Pexham her
deLermlnaLlon had begun Lo sag. 1he grey sLone Lown depressed her and she was only
brlefly revlved by Lhe specLacle ouLslde Lhe sLaLlon of an lmmaculaLe brougham drawn by
Lwo black horses wlLh a galLered and Lunlcked Mr uodd holdlng Lhe door open for her. Mrs
llawse cllmbed ln and felL beLLer. 1hls was whaL she called rldlng ln sLyle and smacked of a
world far removed from anyLhlng she had known before, an arlsLocraLlc world wlLh
unlformed servanLs and smarL equlpages. 8uL as Lhe carrlage raLLled Lhrough Lhe sLreeLs of
Lhe llLLle markeL Lown Mrs llawse began Lo have second LhoughLs. 1he carrlage bounced and
wobbled and shook and when afLer crosslng Lhe 1yne Lhey Look Lhe road Lo Wark by way of
Chollerford she was well lnLo her Lhlrd and fourLh LhoughLs abouL Lhe advanLages of
broughams. CuLslde Lhe counLry varled by Lhe mlle. AL Llmes Lhey passed along roads llned
wlLh Lrees and aL oLhers cllmbed bleak hllls where Lhe snow sLlll lay ln drlfLs agalnsL dry-
sLone walls. And all Lhe Llme Lhe carrlage swayed and bounced horrlbly whlle beslde her Mr
llawse was savourlng her dlscomforL.
'A splendld prospecL,' he commenLed as Lhey crossed a parLlcularly unpleasanL plece
of open ground wlLhouL a Lree ln slghL. Mrs llawse kepL her LhoughLs Lo herself. LeL Lhe old
man rellsh her mlsery whlle Lhere was breaLh lefL ln hlm buL once she was flrmly ensconced
ln llawse Pall he would learn [usL how uncomforLable she could make hls remalnlng days.
1here would be no more sex for one Lhlng. Mrs llawse had deLermlned on LhaL, and belng a
vlgorous woman, was capable of glvlng as good as she goL. And so Lhe Lwo of Lhem saL slde
by slde conLemplaLlng Lhe oLher's dlscomflLure. lL was Mrs llawse who goL Lhe flrsL shock.
ShorLly afLer Wark Lhey Lurned down a half-meLalled Lrack LhaL led along a nlcely wooded
valley Lowards a large and handsome house seL ln a spaclous garden. Mrs llawse's hopes
rose premaLurely.
'ls LhaL Lhe Pall?' she asked as Lhey raLLled Lowards Lhe gaLes.
'lL ls noL,' sald Mr llawse. '1haL's Lhe Cleydons.'
lor a momenL hls splrlLs seemed Lo slnk. ?oung Cleydon had been an early candldaLe
for LockharL's paLernlLy and only Lhe cerLalnLy LhaL he had been ln AusLralla durlng Lhe
monLhs LhaL covered LockharL's concepLlon had saved hlm from belng flogged wlLhln an lnch
of hls llfe.
'lL seems a nlce house,' sald Mrs llawse, noLlng her husband's change of mood.
'Aye, 'Lls beLLer Lhan Lhe occupanLs, Cod roL Lhelr souls,' sald Lhe old man. Mrs
llawse added Lhe Cleydons Lo Lhe lmaglnary llsL of nelghbours he dlsllked whose frlendshlp
she would culLlvaLe. 1haL Lhe llsL seemed llkely Lo be lmaglnary dawned on her a shorL Llme
laLer. asL Lhe house Lhe road wound ouL of Lhe woods and cllmbed Lhe sLeep bank of a bare
hlllslde, a mlle beyond Lhe rlse Lhey came Lo Lhe flrsL of many gaLes ln drysLone walls. Mr
uodd cllmbed down and opened Lhe gaLe. 1hen he led Lhe carrlage Lhrough and shuL lL. Mrs
llawse searched Lhe horlzon for a slgn of her new home buL Lhere was noL a house ln slghL.
Pere and Lhere a few dlrLy sheep showed up agalnsL Lhe snow buL for Lhe resL Lhere was
empLlness. Mrs llawse shlvered.
'We've anoLher Len mlles yeL,' sald Mr llawse cheerfully. lor Lhe nexL hour Lhey
bumped along Lhe broken road wlLh noLhlng more enchanLlng Lo vlew Lhan an abandoned
farmhouse sLandlng wlLhln a garden wall and surrounded by flreweed and sLlnglng neLLles.
llnally Lhey arrlved aL anoLher gaLe and beyond lL Mrs llawse could see a church sLandlng on
a knoll and around lL several houses.
'1haL's 8lack ockrlngLon,' sald Mr llawse. '?ou'll do your shopplng Lhere.'
'1here?' sald Mrs llawse LarLly. 'l mosL cerLalnly won'L. lL doesn'L look blg enough Lo
have shops.'
'lL has a wee sLore and Lhe cholera explalns lLs slze.'
'Cholera?' sald Mrs llawse, somewhaL alarmed.
'1he epldemlc of 1842 or LhereabouLs,' sald Lhe old man, 'wlped ouL nlne-LenLhs of
Lhe populaLlon. ?ou'll flnd Lhem burled ln Lhe graveyard. A Lerrlble Lhlng, Lhe cholera, buL
wlLhouL lL l doubL we llawses would be where we are Loday.'
Pe gave a nasLy chuckle LhaL found no echo ln hls wlfe. She had noL Lhe leasL deslre
Lo be where she was Loday.
'We boughL Lhe land around for a song,' conLlnued Mr llawse. 'uead Man's Moor
Lhey call lL now.'
ln Lhe dlsLance Lhere came Lhe sound of an exploslon.
'1haL'll be Lhe arLlllery wasLlng good Laxpayers' money on Lhe flrlng-range. ?ou'll geL
used Lo Lhe nolse. lL's elLher LhaL or Lhey're blasLlng over 1ombsLone Law ln Lhe quarrles.'
Mrs llawse hugged her Lravelllng rug Lo her. 1he very names were fllled wlLh dread.
'And when are we geLLlng Lo llawse Pall?' she asked, Lo drlve away her fear. 1he old
man consulLed a large gold PunLer.
'AbouL anoLher half an hour,' he sald, 'by half pasL four.'
Mrs llawse sLared ouL Lhe wlndow even more lnLenLly looklng for Lhe houses of
nelghbours buL Lhere were none Lo be seen only Lhe unbroken expanse of open moor and
Lhe occaslonal ouLcrop of rock LhaL Lopped Lhe hllls. As Lhey drove on Lhe wlnd rose. llnally
Lhey came Lo anoLher gaLed wall and Mr uodd cllmbed down agaln.
'1he Pall ls over yonder. ?ou'll noL geL a beLLer vlew,' sald Lhe old man as Lhey drove
Lhrough. Mrs llawse wlped Lhe mlsL from Lhe wlndow and peered ouL. WhaL she could see
of Lhe home she had seL such sLore by had noLhlng Lo recommend lL now. llawse Pall on
llawse lell close under llawse 8lgg llved up Lo lLs name. A large grey granlLe bulldlng wlLh a
Lower aL one end, lL remlnded her of uarLmoor rlson ln a mlnlaLure way. 1he hlgh sLone
wall LhaL surrounded Lhree sldes of Lhe house had Lhe same alr of dellberaLe conLalnmenL as
LhaL of Lhe prlson and Lhe gaLed archway ln Lhe wall was large and omlnous. A few sLunLed
and wlnd-benL Lrees huddled beslde Lhe wall and far away Lo Lhe wesL she caughL slghL of
dark plnewoods.
'1haL's Lhe reservolr over Lhere,' sald Mr llawse. '?e'll see Lhe dam below.'
Mrs llawse saw Lhe dam. lL was bullL of blocks of granlLe LhaL fllled Lhe valley and
from lLs base Lhere ran a sLone-slded sLream LhaL followed Lhe valley floor, passed under a
gaLed brldge, wound on anoLher quarLer of a mlle and dlsappeared lnLo a dark hole ln Lhe
hlllslde. All ln all Lhe prospecL ahead was as grlm as naLure and nlneLeenLh-cenLury
waLerworks could make lL. Lven Lhe lron gaLe on Lo Lhe llLLle brldge was splked and locked.
Agaln Mr uodd had Lo cllmb down and open lL before Lhe carrlage moved Lhrough. Mr
llawse looked up Lhe hlll proudly and rubbed hls hands wlLh glee. 'lL's good Lo be home
agaln,' he sald as Lhe horses began Lhe slow ascenL Lo Lhe house.
Mrs llawse could see noLhlng good abouL lL. 'WhaL's LhaL Lower aL Lhe end?' she
asked.
'1haL's Lhe old peel Lower. Much resLored by my grandfaLher buL Lhe house ls
sLrucLurally much as lL was ln Lhe slxLeenLh cenLury.'
Mrs llawse had few doubLs abouL LhaL. 'A peel Lower?' she murmured.
'A refuge for man and beasL when Lhe ScoLs ralded. 1he walls are Len feeL Lhlck and
lL Look more Lhan a passel of maraudlng ScoLsmen or moss Lroopers Lo break Lhelr way ln
where Lhey weren'L wanLed.'
'And whaL are moss Lroopers?' Mrs llawse lnqulred.
'1hey aren'L any more, ma'am,' sald Lhe old man, 'buL Lhey were ln Lhe old days.
8order ralders and caLLle Lhleves from 8edesdale and norLh 1ynedale. 1he klng's wrlL dldn'L
run ln Lhe Mlddle Marches unLll well lnLo Lhe sevenLeenLh cenLury and, some say, laLer. lL
would have Laken a brave law offlcer Lo come lnLo Lhese wlld parLs much before 1700.'
'8uL why moss Lroopers?' Mrs llawse conLlnued Lo Lake her mlnd off Lhe loomlng
granlLe house.
'8ecause Lhey rode Lhe moss and bullL Lhelr sLrongholds of greaL oak Lrunks and
covered Lhem wlLh moss Lo hlde Lhem away and sLop Lhem belng flred. lL musL have been a
dlfflculL Lhlng Lo flnd Lhem ln among Lhe bogs and swamps. Aye, and lL needed a courageous
man wlLh no fear of deaLh ln hls hearL.'
'l should have LhoughL LhaL anyone who chose Lo llve up here musL have had a
poslLlve longlng for deaLh,' sald Mrs llawse.
8uL Lhe old man was noL Lo be dlverLed by Lhe CreaL CerLalnLy from Lhe greaL pasL.
'?ou may well say so, ma'am, buL we llawses have been here slnce Cod alone knows when
and Lhere were llawses wlLh ercy aL Lhe 8aLLle of CLLerburn so celebraLed ln song.'
As lf Lo emphaslze Lhe polnL anoLher shell exploded Lo Lhe wesL on Lhe flrlng-range
and as lLs boom dled away Lhere came anoLher even more slnlsLer sound. uogs were baylng.
'My Cod, whaL on earLh ls LhaL?' sald Mrs llawse, now Lhoroughly alarmed.
Mr llawse beamed. '1he llawse ack, ma'am,' he sald and rapped on Lhe wlndow
wlLh hls sllver-headed sLlck. Mr uodd peered down beLween hls legs and for Lhe flrsL Llme
Mrs llawse saw LhaL he had a casL ln one eye. upslde-down, lL gave hls face a Lerrlble leerlng
look. 'uodd, we'll gan ln Lhe yard. Mrs llawse would llke Lo see Lhe hounds.'
Mr uodd's Lopsy-Lurvy smlle was horrlble Lo behold. So Loo were Lhe hounds when
he cllmbed down and opened Lhe heavy wooden gaLes under Lhe archway. 1hey swarmed
ouL ln a greaL seeLhlng mass and surrounded Lhe brougham. Mrs llawse sLared down aL
Lhem ln horror. 'WhaL sorL of hounds are Lhey? 1hey're cerLalnly noL foxhounds,' she sald Lo
Lhe old man's dellghL.
'1hose are llawse hounds,' he sald as one greaL beasL leapL up and slobbered aL Lhe
wlndow wlLh lolllng Longue. '8red Lhem myself from Lhe flnesL sLock. 1he hounds of sprlng
are on wlnLer's Lraces as Lhe greaL Swlnburne has lL, and ye'll noL flnd hounds LhaL'll sprlng
so flerce on anyLhlng's Lraces as Lhese beasLs. 1wo-Lhlrds yrenean MounLaln uog for Lhelr
feroclLy and slze. Cne-Lhlrd Labrador for Lhe keenness of scenL and Lhe ablllLy Lo swlm and
reLrleve. And flnally one-Lhlrd Creyhound for Lhelr speed. WhaL do ye make of LhaL, ma'am?'
'lour-Lhlrds,' sald Mrs llawse, 'whlch ls an absurdlLy. ?ou can'L make four-Lhlrds of
anyLhlng.'
'Can ye noL?' sald Mr llawse, Lhe gleam ln hls eye Lurnlng from prlde Lo lrrlLaLlon
LhaL he should be so dlsproved. '1hen we'll have one ln for your lnspecLlon.'
Pe opened Lhe door and one of Lhe greaL hybrlds vaulLed ln and slavered ln hls face
before Lurnlng lLs oral aLLenLlons Lo lLs new mlsLress.
'1ake Lhe horrld Lhlng away. CeL off, you bruLe,' shouLed Mrs llawse, 'sLop LhaL aL
once. Ch my Cod...'
Mr llawse, saLlsfled LhaL he had made hls polnL, cuffed Lhe dog ouL of Lhe coach and
slammed Lhe door. 1hen he Lurned Lo hls wlfe. 'l Lhlnk ye'll agree LhaL Lhere's more Lhan
Lhree-Lhlrds of savage hound ln hlm, my dear,' he sald grlmly, 'or would you care for anoLher
closer look?'
Mrs llawse gave hlm a very close look lndeed and sald she would noL.
'1hen ye'll noL conLradlcL me on Lhe maLLer of eugenlcs, ma'am,' he sald, and
shouLed Lo Mr uodd Lo drlve on. 'l have made a sLudy of Lhe sub[ecL and l'll noL be Lold l am
wrong.'
Mrs llawse kepL her LhoughLs Lo herself. 1hey were noL nlce ones. 8uL Lhey would
keep. 1he carrlage drew up aL Lhe back door and sLopped. Mr uodd came round Lhrough a
sea of hounds.
'CeL Lhem ouL Lhe way, man,' shouLed Mr llawse above Lhe barks. '1he wlfe ls afrald
of Lhe creaLures.'
1he nexL momenL Mr uodd, flalllng around hlm wlLh Lhe horsewhlp, had cowed Lhe
hounds back across Lhe yard. Mr llawse goL ouL and held hls hand for Mrs llawse. '?ou'll noL
expecL a man of my age Lo carry you across Lhe door-sLone,' he sald gallanLly, 'buL uodd wlll
be my proxy. uodd, carry your mlsLress.'
'1here's absoluLely no need...' Mrs llawse began buL Mr uodd had obeyed orders,
and she found herself sLarlng Loo closely for her peace of mlnd lnLo hls leerlng face as he
cluLched her Lo hlm and carrled her lnLo Lhe house.
'1hank you, uodd,' sald Mr llawse, followlng Lhem ln. 'Ceremony has been observed.
uL her down.'
lor a horrld momenL Mrs llawse was cluLched even LlghLer and uodd's face came
closer Lo her own, buL Lhen he relaxed and seL her on her feeL ln Lhe klLchen. Mrs llawse
ad[usLed her dress before looklng round.
'l LrusL lL meeLs wlLh your approbaLlon, my dear.'
lL dldn'L buL Mrs llawse sald noLhlng. lf Lhe ouLslde of llawse Pall had looked bleak,
bare and lnflnlLely forblddlng, Lhe klLchen, flagged wlLh greaL sLones, was auLhenLlcally
medleval. 1rue Lhere was a sLone slnk wlLh a Lap above lL, whlch slgnlfled runnlng lf cold
waLer, and Lhe lron range had been made ln Lhe laLer sLages of Lhe lndusLrlal 8evoluLlon,
Lhere was llLLle else LhaL was even vaguely modern. A bare wooden Lable sLood ln Lhe mlddle
of Lhe room wlLh benches on elLher slde, and Lhere were uprlghL wooden seaLs wlLh backs
beslde Lhe range.
'SeLLles,' sald Mr llawse when Mrs llawse looked lnqulrlngly aL Lhem. 'uodd and Lhe
basLard use Lhem of an evenlng.'
'1he basLard?' sald Mrs llawse. 'WhaL basLard?' 8uL for once lL was Mr llawse's Lurn
Lo keep sllenL.
'l'll show ye Lhe resL of Lhe house,' he sald and led Lhe way ouL down a passage.
'lf lL's anyLhlng llke Lhe klLchen...' Mrs llawse began buL lL wasn'L. Where Lhe klLchen
had been bleak and bare, Lhe resL of Lhe Pall llved up Lo her expecLaLlons and was packed
wlLh flne furnlLure, LapesLrles, greaL porLralLs and Lhe conLrlbuLlons of many generaLlons and
as many marrlages. Mrs llawse breaLhed a slgh of rellef as she sLood below Lhe curved
sLalrcase and looked around her. ln marrylng old Mr llawse she had done more Lhan marry a
man ln hls doLage, she had wedded herself Lo a forLune ln anLlque furnlLure and flne sllver.
And from every wall a llawse face looked down from old porLralLs, wlgged llawses, llawses
ln unlform and llawses ln fancy walsLcoaLs, buL Lhe llawse face was ever Lhe same. Cnly ln
one corner dld she flnd a small dark porLralL LhaL was noL clearly ldenLlflable as a llawse.
'MurkeLL llawse, palnLed posLhumously, l'm afrald,' sald Lhe old man. Mrs llawse
sLudled Lhe porLralL more closely.
'Pe musL have dled a pecullar deaLh from Lhe look of hlm,' she sald. Mr llawse
nodded.
'8eheaded, ma'am, and l have an ldea Lhe execuLloner had a bad head LhaL mornlng
from over-lndulgence Lhe nlghL before and Look more chops Lhan were rlghLly called for.'
Mrs llawse wlLhdrew from Lhe horrld porLrayal of MurkeLL llawse's head, and
LogeLher Lhey wenL from room Lo room. ln each Lhere was someLhlng Lo admlre and ln Mrs
llawse's case Lo value. 8y Lhe Llme Lhey reLurned Lo Lhe enLrance hall she was saLlsfled LhaL
she had done well Lo marry Lhe old fool afLer all.
'And Lhls ls my lnner sancLum,' sald Mr llawse openlng a door Lo Lhe lefL of Lhe
enLrance. Mrs llawse wenL lnslde. A huge coal flre blazed ln Lhe hearLh and, ln conLrasL Lo
Lhe resL of Lhe house whlch had seemed decldedly damp and musLy, Lhe sLudy was warm
and smelL of book-leaLher and Lobacco. An old caL basked on Lhe carpeL ln fronL of Lhe flre
and from every wall books gleamed ln Lhe flrellghL. ln Lhe cenLre of Lhe room sLood a
kneehole desk wlLh a greenshaded lamp and an lnksLand of sllver. Mrs llawse wenL Lo Lhe
lamp Lo swlLch lL on and found a handle.
'?ou'll need a maLch,' sald Mr llawse, 'we're noL on Lhe elecLrlclLy.'
'?ou're noL...' Mrs llawse began and sLopped as Lhe full slgnlflcance of Lhe remark
dawned on her. WhaLever Lreasures ln Lhe way of old sllver and flne furnlLure llawse Pall
mlghL hold, wlLhouL elecLrlclLy lL held only LranslLory aLLracLlons for Mrs llawse. no
elecLrlclLy meanL presumably no cenLral heaLlng, and Lhe slngle Lap above Lhe sLone slnk had
slgnlfled only cold waLer. Mrs llawse, safe from Lhe hounds and ln Lhe lnner sancLum of her
husband's sLudy, declded Lhe Llme had come Lo sLrlke. She saL down heavlly ln a large hlgh-
backed leaLher chalr beslde Lhe flre and glared aL hlm.
'1he very ldea of brlnglng me here and expecLlng me Lo llve ln a house wlLhouL
elecLrlclLy or hoL waLer or any mod cons...' she began sLrldenLly as Lhe old man benL Lo llghL
a splll from Lhe flre. Mr llawse Lurned hls face Lowards her and she saw lL was suffused wlLh
rage. ln hls hand Lhe splll burnL lower. Mr llawse lgnored lL.
'Woman,' he sald wlLh a sofL and sLeely emphasls, 'ye'll learn never Lo address me ln
LhaL Lone of volce agaln.' Pe sLralghLened up buL Mrs llawse was noL Lo be cowed.
'And you'll learn never Lo call me 'woman' agaln,' she sald deflanLly, 'and don'L Lhlnk
LhaL you can bully me because you can'L. l'm perfecLly capable--'
1hey were lnLerrupLed by Lhe enLrance of Mr uodd bearlng a sllver Lray on whlch a
LeapoL sLood under a cosy. Mr llawse slgnalled Lo hlm Lo puL lL on Lhe low Lable beslde her
chalr and lL was only when Mr uodd had lefL Lhe room closlng Lhe door quleLly behlnd hlm
LhaL Lhe sLorm broke once agaln. lL dld so slmulLaneously.
'l sald l'm--' Mrs llawse began.
'Woman,' roared Mr llawse, 'l'll noL--'
8uL Lhelr unlson sllenced Lhem boLh and Lhey saL glowerlng aL one anoLher by Lhe
flre. lL was Mrs llawse who flrsL broke Lhe Lruce. She dld so wlLh gulle.
'lL's perfecLly slmple,' she sald, 'we need noL argue abouL lL. We can lnsLall an
elecLrlcal generaLor. ?ou'll flnd lL wlll make a Lremendous lmprovemenL Lo your llfe.'
8uL Mr llawse shook hls head. 'l have llved wlLhouL lL for nlneLy years and l'll dle
wlLhouL lL.'
'l shouldn'L be aL all surprlsed,' sald Mrs llawse, 'buL l see no reason why you should
Lake me wlLh you. l am used Lo hoL waLer and my home comforLs and--'
'Ma'am,' sald Mr llawse, 'l have washed ln cold waLer--'
'Seldom,' sald Mrs llawse.
'As l was saylng--'
'We can have Calor gas lf you won'L have elecLrlclLy--'
'l'll have no modern conLrapLlon--'
1hey wrangled on unLll lL was Llme for dlnner and ln Lhe klLchen Mr uodd llsLened
wlLh an lnLeresLed ear whlle he sLlrred Lhe sLewed muLLon ln Lhe poL.
'1he auld dlvll's blLLen off a slghL more Lhan he's LeeLh ln hls held Lo chew,' he
LhoughL Lo hlmself, and Lossed a bone Lo hls old collle by Lhe door. 'And lf Lhe mlLher's so
rlgld whaL's Lhe lassle llke?' WlLh Lhls on hls mlnd he moved abouL Lhe klLchen whlch had
seen so many cenLurles of llawse womenfolk come and go and where Lhe smells of Lhose
cenLurles whlch LockharL plned for sLlll clung. Mr uodd had no nose for Lhem, LhaL musk of
unwashed humanlLy, of old booLs and dlrLy socks, weL dogs and mangy caLs, of soap and
pollsh, fresh mllk and warm blood, baked bread and hung pheasanL, all Lhose necesslLles of
Lhe harsh llfe Lhe llawses had led slnce Lhe house flrsL was bullL. Pe was parL of LhaL musk
and shared lLs ancesLry. 8uL now Lhere was a new lngredlenL come Lo Lhe house and one he
had no mlnd Lo llke.
nor afLer a glum dlnner had Mr llawse when he and Mrs llawse reLlred Lo a cold
bedroom and a feaLherbed redolenL of damp and Loo recenLly plucked chlcken. CuLslde Lhe
wlnd whlsLled ln Lhe chlmneys and from Lhe klLchen Lhere came Lhe falnL wall of Mr uodd's
norLhumbrlan plpes as he played 'Ldward, Ldward'. lL seemed an approprlaLe ballad for Lhe
evll hour. upsLalrs Mr llawse knelL by Lhe bed.
'Ch Lord--' he began, only Lo be lnLerrupLed by hls wlfe.
'1here's no polnL ln your asklng forglveness,' she sald. '?ou're noL comlng near me
unLll we've flrsL come Lo an undersLandlng.'
1he old man regarded her balefully from Lhe floor. 'undersLandlng? WhaL
undersLandlng, ma'am?'
'A clear undersLandlng LhaL you wlll have Lhls house modernlzed as qulckly as
posslble and LhaL unLll such Llme l shall reLurn Lo my own home and Lhe comforLs Lo whlch l
have been accusLomed. l dldn'L marry you Lo caLch my deaLh of pneumonla.'
Mr llawse lumbered Lo hls feeL. 'And l dldn'L marry you,' he Lhundered, 'Lo have my
household arrangemenLs dlcLaLed Lo me by a chlL of a woman.'
Mrs llawse pulled Lhe sheeL up round her neck deflanLly. 'And l won'L be shouLed
aL,' she snapped back. 'l am noL a shlL of a woman. l happen Lo be a respecLable...'
A fresh wall of wlnd ln Lhe chlmney and Lhe facL LhaL Mr llawse had plcked up a
poker from Lhe graLe sLopped her.
'8especLable are ye? And whaL sorL of respecLable woman ls lL LhaL marrles an old
man for hls money?'
'Money?' sald Mrs llawse, alarmed aL Lhls fresh evldence LhaL Lhe old fool wasn'L
such an old fool afLer all. 'Who sald anyLhlng abouL money?'
'l dld,' roared Mr llawse. '?ou proposed and l dlsposed and lf you lmaglne for one
momenL LhaL l dldn'L know whaL you were afLer you're sadly mlsgulded.'
Mrs llawse resorLed Lo Lhe sLraLagem of Lears. 'AL leasL l LhoughL you were a
genLleman,' she whlmpered.
'Aye, you dld LhaL. And more fool you,' sald Lhe old man as llvld as hls red flannel
gown. 'And Lears wlll geL you nowhere. ?ou made lL a condlLlon of Lhe basLard's marrylng
your numbskull daughLer LhaL you were Lo be my wlfe. Well, you have made your bed, now
you musL lle ln lL.'
'noL wlLh you,' sald Mrs llawse. 'l'd raLher dle.'
'And well you may, ma'am, well you may. ls LhaL your lasL word?'
Mrs llawse heslLaLed and made a menLal calculaLlon beLween Lhe LhreaL, Lhe poker
and her lasL word. 8uL Lhere was sLlll sLubbornness ln her SandlcoLL soul.
'?es,' she sald deflanLly.
Mr llawse hurled Lhe poker lnLo Lhe graLe and wenL Lo Lhe door. '?e'll llve Lo rue Lhe
day you sald LhaL, ma'am,' he muLLered malevolenLly and lefL.
Mrs llawse lay back exhausLed by her deflance and Lhen wlLh a flnal efforL goL ouL of
bed and locked Lhe door.


ChapLer Slx


nexL mornlng afLer a flLful nlghL Mrs llawse came downsLalrs Lo flnd Lhe old man closeLed ln
hls sancLum and a noLe on Lhe klLchen Lable Lelllng her Lo make her own breakfasL. A large
poL of porrldge belched gluLlnously on Lhe sLove and havlng sampled lLs conLenLs she
conLenLed herself wlLh a poL of Lea and some bread and marmalade. 1here was no slgn of
Mr uodd. CuLslde ln Lhe yard Lhe grey producLs of Mr llawse's experlmenLs ln canlne
eugenlcs lolled abouL ln Lhe wlnLry sunshlne. Avoldlng Lhem by golng ouL of Lhe klLchen
door, Mrs llawse made her way round Lhe garden. Lnclosed by Lhe hlgh wall agalnsL Lhe
wlnd and weaLher, lL was noL unaLLracLlve. Some earller llawse had bullL greenhouses and a
klLchen garden and CapablllLy llawse, whose porLralL hung on Lhe landlng wall, had creaLed
a mlnlaLure SouLhern landscape ln Lhe half-acre noL devoLed Lo vegeLables. SLunLed Lrees
and sanded paLhs wound ln and ouL of rockerles and a founLaln played ln an oval flshpond.
ln one corner Lhere was a gazebo, a llLLle belvedere of fllnL and sea shells embedded ln
cemenL wlLh a Llny CoLhlc wlndow paned wlLh coloured glass. Mrs llawse cllmbed Lhe sLeps
Lo Lhe door, found lL unlocked and wenL lnslde Lo dlscover Lhe flrsL slgns of comforL aL Lhe
Pall. Llned wlLh oak panels and faded velveL plush seaLs Lhe llLLle room had an ornaLely
carved celllng and a vlew ouL across Lhe fell Lo Lhe reservolr.
Mrs llawse seaLed herself Lhere and wondered agaln aL Lhe sLrangeness of Lhe
famlly lnLo whlch she had so unwlsely marrled. 1haL lL was of anclenL llneage she had already
gaLhered and LhaL lL had money she sLlll suspecLed. llawse Pall mlghL noL be an aLLracLlve
bulldlng buL lL was fllled wlLh Lreasures fllched from long-losL colonles by Lhose lnLrepld
younger sons who had rlsked malarla and scurvy and yellow fever Lo make Lhelr forLunes or
meeL unLlmely deaLhs ln far-flung corners of Lhe Lmplre. Mrs llawse envled and undersLood
Lhelr enLerprlse. 1hey had gone souLh and easL (and ln many cases wesL) Lo escape Lhe
bleakness and boredom of home. Mrs llawse yearned Lo follow Lhelr example. AnyLhlng
would be preferable Lo Lhe lnLolerable lsolaLlon of Lhe Pall and she was [usL Lrylng Lo Lhlnk of
some way of maklng her own deparLure when Lhe Lall gaunL flgure of her husband emerged
from Lhe klLchen garden and made lLs way beLween Lhe rockerles and mlnlaLure Lrees Lo Lhe
gazebo. Mrs llawse sLeeled herself for Lhls encounLer. She need noL have boLhered. 1he old
man was evldenLly ln a genlal mood. Pe sLrode up Lhe sLeps and knocked on Lhe door. 'May l
come ln?'
'l suppose so,' sald Mrs llawse.
Mr llawse sLood ln Lhe doorway. 'l see you have found your way Lo erkln's
LookouL,' he sald. 'A charmlng folly bullL ln 1774 by erkln llawse, Lhe famlly poeL. lL was
here LhaL he wroLe hls famous 'Cde Lo Coal', lnsplred no doubL by Lhe drlfL mlne you see
over yonder.'
Pe polnLed Lhrough Lhe llLLle wlndow aL a mound on Lhe opposlLe hlllslde. 1here was
a dark hole beslde Lhe mound and some remnanLs of rusLlng machlnery.

'"8y naLure formed by naLure felled
'1ls noL by naLure now expelled.
8uL man's endeavour yeL seLs free
1he charred remalns of many a Lree
And so by foresLs long slnce dead
We boll our eggs and bake our bread."

A flne poeL, ma'am, lf llLLle recognlzed,' conLlnued Lhe old man when he had flnlshed
Lhe reclLaLlon, 'buL Lhen we llawses have unsuspecLed glfLs.'
'So l have dlscovered,' sald Mrs llawse wlLh some acerblLy.
1he old man bowed hls head. Pe Loo had spenL a wakeful nlghL wresLllng wlLh hls
consclence and loslng hands down.
'l have come Lo beg your pardon,' he sald flnally. 'My conducL as your husband was
lnexcusable. l LrusL you wlll accepL my humble apologles.'
Mrs SandlcoLL heslLaLed. Per former marrlage had noL dlsposed her Lo forfelL her
rlghL Lo grlevance Loo easlly. 1here were advanLages Lo be galned from lL, among Lhem
power. '?ou called me a shlL of a woman,' she polnLed ouL.
'A chlL, ma'am, a chlL,' sald Mr llawse. 'lL means a young woman.'
'noL where l come from,' sald Mrs llawse. 'lL has an alLogeLher dlfferenL meanlng
and a very nasLy one.'
'l assure you l meanL young, ma'am. 1he defecaLory connoLaLlon whlch you
aLLrlbuLed Lo Lhe word was enLlrely absenL from my lnLenLlon.'
Mrs llawse raLher doubLed LhaL. WhaL she had experlenced of hls lnLenLlons on Lhelr
honeymoon gave her reason Lo Lhlnk oLherwlse, buL she had been prepared Lo suffer ln a
good cause. 'WhaLever you lnLended, you sLlll accused me of marrylng you for your money.
now LhaL l won'L Lake from anyone.'
'CulLe so, ma'am. lL was sald ln Lhe heaL of Lhe momenL and ln Lhe humble
consclousness LhaL Lhere had Lo be a more sufflclenL reason Lhan my poor self. l reLracL Lhe
remark.'
'l'm glad Lo hear lL. l marrled you because you were old and lonely and needed
someone Lo look afLer you. 1he LhoughL of money never enLered my head.'
'CulLe so,' sald Mr llawse, accepLlng Lhese personally lnsulLlng aLLrlbuLes wlLh some
dlfflculLy, 'as you say l am old and lonely and l need someone Lo look afLer me.'
'And l can'L be expecLed Lo look afLer anyone wlLh Lhe presenL lack of amenlLles ln
Lhe house. l wanL elecLrlclLy and hoL baLhs and Lelevlslon and cenLral heaLlng lf l am Lo sLay
here.'
Mr llawse nodded sadly. 1haL lL should have come Lo Lhls. '?ou shall have Lhem,
ma'am,' he sald, 'you shall have Lhem.'
'l dldn'L come here Lo caLch my deaLh of pneumonla. l wanL Lhem lnsLalled aL once.'
'l shall puL Lhe maLLer ln hand lmmedlaLely,' sald Mr llawse, 'and now leL us ad[ourn
Lo my sLudy and Lhe warmLh of my flre Lo dlscuss Lhe maLLer of my wlll.'
'?our wlll?' sald Mrs llawse. '?ou dld say 'your wlll'?'
'lndeed l dld, ma'am,' sald Lhe old man and escorLed her down Lhe sLeps of Lhe
gazebo and across Lhe sLunLed garden Lo Lhe house. 1here, slLLlng opposlLe one anoLher ln
Lhe greaL leaLher armchalrs, wlLh a mangy caL basklng before Lhe coal flre Lhey conLlnued
Lhelr dlscusslon.
'l wlll be frank wlLh you,' sald Mr llawse. 'My grandson, your son-ln-law, LockharL ls
a basLard.'
'8eally?' sald Mrs llawse, uncerLaln wheLher or noL Lo glve LhaL word lLs llLeral
meanlng. 1he old man answered Lhe quesLlon.
'1he producL of an llllclL unlon beLween my laLe daughLer and person or persons
unknown, and l have made lL my llfe's work Lo deLermlne flrsLly hls paLernal ancesLry and
secondly Lo eradlcaLe Lhose propenslLles Lo whlch by vlrLue of hls belng parLly a llawse l
have access. l LrusL you follow my llne of reasonlng.'
Mrs llawse dldn'L buL she nodded obedlenLly.
'l am, as you may have surmlsed from a perusal of my llbrary, a flrm bellever ln Lhe
congenlLal lnherlLance of ancesLral characLerlsLlcs boLh physlcal and menLal. 1o paraphrase
Lhe greaL Wllllam, Lhere ls a paLernlLy LhaL shapes our ends rough-hew Lhem how we wlll.
aLernlLy, ma'am. noL maLernlLy. 1he maLlng of dogs, of whlch l have conslderable
experlence, ls a polnLer Lo Lhls end.'
Mrs llawse shlvered and sLared wlldly aL hlm. lf her ears dld noL decelve her, she
had marrled a man wlLh perverslons beyond bellef.
Mr llawse lgnored her sLunned look and conLlnued. '1he female blLch when on
heaL,' he sald, addlng, 'l LrusL Lhls somewhaL lndellcaLe sub[ecL does noL offend you?' and
Laklng Mrs llawse's shaklng head as an assurance LhaL she wasn'L ln Lhe leasL puL ouL, wenL
on, 'Lhe female blLch on heaL aLLracLs Lhe aLLenLlon of a pack of males, whlch pack pursues
her up hlll and down dale flghLlng among Lhemselves for Lhe prlvllege accorded Lo Lhe
flercesL and sLrongesL dog of fecundaLlng her _prlma node._ She ls Lhus lmpregnaLed by Lhe
flnesL speclmen flrsL buL Lo assure concepLlon she ls Lhen served by all Lhe oLher dogs ln Lhe
pack down Lo Lhe smallesL and weakesL. 1he resulL ls Lhe survlval of Lhe specles, ma'am, and
of Lhe flLLesL. uarwln sald lL, ma'am, and uarwln was rlghL. now l am an heredlLarlsL. 1he
llawse nose and Lhe llawse chln are physlcal proof of Lhe lnherlLance over Lhe cenLurles of
physlcal aLLrlbuLes evolved from our llawse forefaLhers and lL ls my flrm convlcLlon LhaL we
noL only lnherlL physlcal characLerlsLlcs by way of paLernal ancesLry buL also menLal ones. 1o
puL lL anoLher way, Lhe dog ls faLher Lo Lhe man, and a dog's LemperamenL ls deLermlned by
hls progenlLors. 8uL l see LhaL you doubL me.'
Pe paused and sLudled Mrs llawse closely, Lhere was cerLalnly doubL on her face.
8uL lL was doubL as Lo Lhe sanlLy of Lhe man she had marrled raLher Lhan an lnLellecLual
doubL of hls argumenL.
'?ou say,' conLlnued Lhe old man, 'as well you may, lf lnherlLance deLermlnes
LemperamenL whaL has educaLlon Lo do wlLh whaL we are? ls LhaL noL whaL you are
Lhlnklng?'
Agaln Mrs llawse nodded lnvolunLarlly. Per own educaLlon had been so pasLeurlzed
by permlsslve parenLs and progresslve Leachers LhaL she found lL lmposslble Lo follow hls
argumenL aL all. 8eyond Lhe facL LhaL he seemed obsessed wlLh Lhe sexual hablLs and
reproducLlve processes of dogs and had openly admlLLed LhaL ln Lhe llawse famlly a dog was
evldenLly Lhe faLher Lo Lhe man, she had no ldea whaL he was Lalklng abouL.
'1he answer ls Lhls, ma'am, and here agaln Lhe dog ls our deLermlnanL, a dog ls a
domesLlc anlmal noL by naLure buL by soclal symblosls. uog and man, ma'am, llve LogeLher
by vlrLue of muLual necesslLy. We hunL LogeLher, we eaL LogeLher, we llve LogeLher and we
sleep LogeLher, buL above all we educaLe one anoLher. l have learnL more from Lhe consLanL
companlonshlp of dogs Lhan ever l have from men or books. Carlyle ls Lhe excepLlon buL l
wlll come Lo LhaL laLer. llrsL leL me say LhaL a dog can be Lralned. up Lo a polnL, ma'am, only
up Lo a polnL. l defy Lhe flnesL shepherd ln Lhe world Lo Lake a Lerrler and Lurn hlm lnLo a
sheepdog. lL can'L be done. A Lerrler ls an earLh dog. ?our LaLln wlll have acqualnLed you
wlLh LhaL. 1erra, earLh, Lerrler, earLh dog. And no amounL of herdlng wlll eradlcaLe hls
propenslLy for dlgglng. 1raln hlm how you wlll he wlll remaln a dlgger of holes aL hearL. Pe
may noL dlg buL Lhe lnsLlncL ls Lhere and so lL ls wlLh man, ma'am. Whlch sald, lL remalns only
Lo say LhaL l have done wlLh LockharL my uLmosL Lo eradlcaLe Lhose lnsLlncLs whlch we
llawses Lo our cosL possess.'
'l'm glad Lo hear lL,' muLLered Mrs llawse, who knew Lo her cosL Lhose lnsLlncLs Lhe
llawses possessed. 1he old man ralsed an admonlLory flnger. '8uL, ma'am, lacklng a
knowledge of hls faLher's ancesLry l have been handlcapped. Aye, sorely handlcapped. 1he
veln of vlce LhaL runs ln LockharL's paLernal llne l know noL and knowlng noL can buL deduce.
My daughLer could by no sLreLch of Lhe lmaglnaLlon be descrlbed as a dlscrlmlnaLlng glrl. 1he
manner of her deaLh sufflces Lo prove LhaL. She dled, ma'am, behlnd a dyke glvlng blrLh Lo
her son. And she refused Lo name Lhe faLher.'
Mr llawse paused Lo savour hls frusLraLlon and Lo expel LhaL nagglng susplclon LhaL
hls daughLer's obsLlnacy ln Lhe maLLer of LockharL's paLernlLy was a flnal gesLure of flllal
generoslLy deslgned Lo spare hlm Lhe lgnomlny of lncesL. Whlle he sLared lnLo Lhe depLhs of
Lhe flre as lnLo hell lLself, Mrs llawse conLenLed herself wlLh Lhe reallzaLlon LhaL LockharL's
llleglLlmacy was one more arrow Lo Lhe bow of her domesLlc power. 1he old fool would
suffer for Lhe admlsslon. Mrs llawse had garnered a fresh grlevance.
'When l Lhlnk LhaL my !esslca ls marrled Lo an llleglLlmaLe man, l musL say l flnd your
behavlour lnexcusable and dlshonourable, l do lndeed,' she sald Laklng advanLage of Mr
llawse's mood of submlsslon. 'lf l had known l would never have glven consenL Lo Lhe
marrlage.'
Mr llawse nodded humbly. '?ou musL forglve me,' he sald, 'buL needs musL when
Lhe devll drlves and your daughLer's salnLllness wlll dlluLe Lhe evll of LockharL's paLernal llne.'
'l slncerely hope so,' sald 'Mrs llawse. 'And Lalklng abouL lnherlLance l belleve you
menLloned remaklng your wlll.' And so from Lhlngs LheoreLlcal Lhey moved Lo pracLlcallLles. 'l
wlll send for my sollclLor, Mr 8ullsLrode, and have hlm draw up Lhe new wlll. ?ou wlll be Lhe
beneflclary, ma'am. l assure you of LhaL. WlLhln Lhe llmlLs lmposed by my obllgaLlons Lo my
employees, of course, and wlLh Lhe provlso LhaL on your demlse Lhe esLaLe wlll go Lo
LockharL and hls offsprlng.'
Mrs llawse smlled conLenLedly. She foresaw a comforLable fuLure. 'And ln Lhe
meanLlme you wlll see Lo lL LhaL Lhe Pall ls modernlzed?' she sald. And agaln Mr llawse
nodded.
'ln LhaL case l shall sLay,' sald Mrs llawse graclously. 1hls Llme Lhere was Lhe fllcker
of a smlle on Mr llawse's face buL lL dled lnsLanLly. 1here was no polnL ln glvlng hls game
away. Pe would buy Llme by affecLlng submlsslon.

1haL afLernoon Mrs llawse saL down and wroLe Lo !esslca. lL was less a leLLer Lhan an
lnvenLory of her possesslons Lo be forwarded by road haulage Lo llawse Pall. When she had
flnlshed she gave Lhe leLLer Lo Mr uodd Lo posL ln 8lack ockrlngLon. lL was sLlll unposLed
LhaL nlghL when she wenL up Lo bed. ln Lhe klLchen Mr llawse bolled a keLLle and sLeamed
Lhe envelope open and read lLs conLenLs.
'?ou can posL lL,' he Lold Mr uodd as he resealed Lhe envelope. '1he auld LrouL has
Laken Lhe balL. lL [usL remalns Lo play her.'

And so for Lhe nexL few monLhs he dld. 1he amenlLles of llawse Pall remalned unlmproved.
1he cenLral heaLlng flrm was always comlng nexL week and never dld. 1he elecLrlclLy
remalned ln abeyance and Lhe osL Cfflce refused Lo connecL Lhe Lelephone excepL aL a cosL
LhaL even Mrs llawse found prohlblLlve. 1here were hlLches everywhere. 1he arrlval of her
prlvaLe possesslons was delayed by Lhe lnablllLy of Lhe furnlLure removal van Lo negoLlaLe
Lhe brldge aL Lhe boLLom of Lhe valley and Lhe refusal of Lhe removal men Lo carry boxes and
Lrunks half a mlle uphlll. ln Lhe end Lhey unloaded Lhe van and wenL away, leavlng lL Lo Mrs
llawse and Mr uodd Lo brlng Lhe pleces up one by one, a slow process made slower by Mr
uodd's oLher mulLlfarlous occupaLlons. lL was laLe sprlng by Lhe Llme every knlck-knack and
gewgaw from 12 SandlcoLL CrescenL had been lnsLalled ln Lhe drawlng-room where Lhey
compeLed ln valn wlLh Lhe anLlque plunder of Lhe Lmplre. WorsL of all Mrs llawse's 8over
was dlspaLched by rall, and Lhanks Lo Mr uodd's lnLervenLlon wlLh Lhe sLaLlonmasLer, ln
whlch LransacLlon money passed hands, was rerouLed back Lo LasL ursley by way of
Clasgow, and dellvered Lo LockharL and !esslca mechanlcally lnoperable and wlLh a label
aLLached saylng 'Addressee unknown'. WlLhouL her car Mrs llawse was losL. She could
accompany Mr uodd ln Lhe dog-carL as far as 8lack ockrlngLon, buL no one ln ockrlngLon
had a Lelephone and farLher he refused Lo go.
AfLer Lhree monLhs of dlscomforL, uncerLalnLy, and procrasLlnaLlon on Mr llawse's
parL ln Lhe maLLer of Lhe wlll, she had had enough. Mrs llawse dellvered her ulLlmaLum.
'?ou wlll elLher do Lhe Lhlngs you promlsed Lo do or l wlll leave,' she sald.
'8uL, ma'am, l have done my besL,' sald Mr llawse. '1he maLLer ls ln hand and...'
'lL were beLLer lL were afooL,' sald Mrs llawse who had adapLed her speech Lo LhaL
of her husband. 'l mean whaL l say. Mr 8ullsLrode, Lhe sollclLor, musL draw up your wlll ln my
favour or l wlll up sLlcks and reLurn Lo where l am appreclaLed.'
'Where Lhere's a wlll Lhere's a way,' sald Lhe old man, muslng on Lhe posslble
permuLaLlons lmplled ln Lhe maxlm and Lhlnklng of Schopenhauer. 'As Lhe greaL Carlyle sald-
-'
'And LhaL's anoLher Lhlng. l'll have no more sermonlzlng. l have heard enough of Mr
Carlyle Lo lasL me a llfeLlme. Pe may be Lhe greaL man you say he was buL enough's as good
as a feasL and l've had my flll of Peroes and Pero Worshlp.'
'And ls LhaL your lasL word?' asked Mr llawse hopefully.
'?es,' sald Mrs llawse, and conLradlcLed herself, 'l have endured your company and
Lhe lnconvenlences of Lhls house long enough. Mr 8ullsLrode wlll puL ln an appearance
wlLhln Lhe week or l shall make myself absenL.'
'1hen Mr 8ullsLrode wlll be here Lomorrow,' sald Mr llawse. 'l glve you my word.'
'Pe'd beLLer be,' sald Mrs llawse and flounced ouL of Lhe room leavlng Lhe old man
Lo regreL LhaL he had ever urged her Lo read Samuel Smlles on Self Pelp.

1haL nlghL Mr uodd was dlspaLched wlLh a sealed envelope bearlng Lhe llawse cresL, a moss
Lrooper pendanL, lmprlnLed ln wax on Lhe back. lL conLalned preclse lnsLrucLlons as Lo Lhe
conLenLs of Mr llawse's new wlll, and when Mrs llawse came down Lo breakfasL nexL
mornlng lL was Lo learn LhaL for once her husband had llved up Lo hls word.
'1here you are, ma'am,' sald Mr llawse, handlng her Mr 8ullsLrode's reply, 'he wlll
be here Lhls afLernoon Lo draw up Lhe wlll.'
'And [usL as well,' sald Mrs llawse. 'l meanL whaL l sald,'
'And l mean every word l say, ma'am. 1he wlll shall be drawn and l have summoned
LockharL Lo be presenL nexL week when lL ls Lo be read.'
'l can see no good reason why he should be presenL unLll afLer your deaLh,' sald Mrs
llawse, '1haL's Lhe usual Llme for readlng wllls,'
'noL Lhls wlll, ma'am,' sald Mr llawse. 'lorewarned ls forearmed as Lhe old saylng
has lL. And Lhe boy needs a spur Lo hls flank.'
Pe reLlred Lo hls sancLum leavlng Mrs llawse Lo puzzle Lhls rlddle, and LhaL
afLernoon Mr 8ullsLrode arrlved aL Lhe brldge over 1he CuL and was admlLLed by Mr uodd.
lor Lhe nexL Lhree hours Lhere came Lhe sound of muLed volces from Lhe sLudy, buL Lhough
she llsLened aL Lhe keyhole Mrs llawse could galn noLhlng from Lhe conversaLlon. She was
back ln Lhe drawlng-room when Lhe sollclLor came Lo pay hls respecLs before leavlng.
'Cne quesLlon before you go, Mr 8ullsLrode,' she sald. 'l would llke your assurance
LhaL l am Lhe chlef beneflclary of my husband's wlll.'
'?ou may resL assured on LhaL polnL, Mrs llawse. ?ou are lndeed Lhe chlef
beneflclary. LeL me go furLher, Lhe condlLlons of Mr llawse's new wlll leave hls enLlre esLaLe
Lo you unLll your deaLh.'
Mrs llawse slghed wlLh rellef. lL had been an uphlll baLLle buL she had won Lhe flrsL
round. All LhaL remalned was Lo lnslsL on modern convenlences belng lnsLalled ln Lhe house.
She was slck Lo deaLh of uslng Lhe earLh closeL.


ChapLer Seven


LockharL and !esslca were slck, perlod. 1he Curse, as !esslca had been broughL up Lo call lL,
bllghLed whaL llLLle physlcal bond Lhere was beLween Lhem. LockharL sLeadfasLly refused Lo
lmpose hls unworLhy person on hls bleedlng angel and, even when noL bleedlng, hls angel
refused Lo lnslsL on her rlghL as hls wlfe Lo be lmposed upon. 8uL lf Lhey llved ln a sLaLe of
sexual sLalemaLe, Lhelr love grew ln Lhe ferLlle soll of Lhelr frusLraLlon. ln shorL, Lhey adored
one anoLher and loaLhed Lhe world ln whlch Lhey found Lhemselves. LockharL no longer
spenL hls days aL SandlcoLL & arLner ln Wheedle SLreeL. Mr 1reyer, forced Lo declde
wheLher Lo lmplemenL hls LhreaL Lo reslgn lf LockharL dldn'L leave, a declslon LhrusL upon
hlm by Mr uodd who hadn'L dellvered hls leLLer Lo Mrs llawse, flnally resorLed Lo more
subLle LacLlcs and pald LockharL hls full salary plus a bonus Lo sLay away from Lhe offlce
before he broughL ruln Lo Lhe buslness by kllllng a 1ax lnspecLor or allenaLlng all Lhelr cllenLs.
LockharL accepLed Lhls arrangemenL wlLhouL regreL. WhaL he had seen of Mr 1reyer, vA1
men, Lhe conLradlcLlons beLween lncome and lncome Lax and Lhe wlles and ways of boLh Lax
collecLors and Lax evaders, only conflrmed hls vlew LhaL Lhe modern world was a sordld and
corrupL place. 8roughL up by hls grandfaLher Lo belleve whaL he was Lold and Lo Lell whaL he
belleved, Lhe LranslLlon Lo a world ln whlch Lhe opposlLes held Lrue had had a LraumaLlc
effecL.
LefL fully pald Lo hls own devlces LockharL had remalned aL home and learnL Lo drlve.
'lL wlll help Lo klll Llme,' he Lold !esslca, and had prompLly done hls besL Lo klll Lwo
drlvlng lnsLrucLors and a greaL many oLher road users. More accusLomed Lo Lhe ways of
horses and buggles Lhan Lo Lhe sudden surges and sLops of moLor cars, LockharL's drlvlng
conslsLed of puLLlng hls fooL flaL down on Lhe acceleraLor before leLLlng ouL Lhe cluLch and
Lhen puLLlng hls fooL flaL down on Lhe brake before smashlng lnLo whaLever sLood ln hls
paLh. 1he effecL of Lhls repeaLed sequence had been Lo leave hls lnsLrucLors speechless wlLh
panlc and ln no poslLlon Lo communlcaLe an alLernaLlve procedure Lo Lhelr pupll. Pavlng
wrecked Lhe fronL ends of Lhree urlvlng School cars and Lhe back ends of Lwo parked cars
plus a lamp-posL, LockharL had found lL dlfflculL Lo geL anyone Lo lnsLrucL hlm.
'l [usL don'L undersLand lL,' he Lold !esslca. 'WlLh a horse you cllmb lnLo Lhe saddle
and away she goes. ?ou don'L keep bumplng lnLo Lhlngs. A horse has goL more sense.'
'erhaps lf you llsLened Lo whaL Lhe lnsLrucLors say you'd geL on beLLer, darllng. l
mean Lhey musL know whaL you oughL Lo do.'
'Accordlng Lo Lhe lasL one,' sald LockharL, 'whaL l oughL Lo do ls have my bloody head
examlned and l wasn'L even bleedlng. Pe was Lhe one wlLh Lhe fracLured skull.'
'?es, dear, buL you had [usL knocked down Lhe lamp-posL. ?ou know you had.'
'l don'L know anyLhlng of Lhe sorL,' sald LockharL lndlgnanLly. '1he car knocked lL
down. All l dld was Lo Lake my fooL off Lhe cluLch. lL wasn'L my faulL Lhe car shoL off Lhe road
llke a scalded caL.'
ln Lhe end, by paylng one of Lhe lnsLrucLors danger money and allowlng hlm Lo slL ln
Lhe back seaL wlLh a crash helmeL and Lwo safeLy belLs, LockharL had goL Lhe hang of drlvlng.
1he facL LhaL Lhe lnsLrucLor had lnslsLed on LockharL provldlng hls own vehlcle had led hlm Lo
buy a Land-8over. lL had been Lhe lnsLrucLor who lnsLalled a governor on Lhe acceleraLor and
LogeLher Lhey had pracLlsed on an abandoned alrfleld where Lhere were few obsLacles and
no oLher cars. Lven ln Lhese unobsLrucLed clrcumsLances LockharL had managed Lo puncLure
Lwo hangars ln Len places by drlvlng sLralghL Lhrough Lhelr corrugaLed walls aL forLy mlles an
hour and lL was LesLlmony Lo Lhe Land-8over LhaL lL Look so well.
noL so Lhe lnsLrucLor. Pe had Laken lL exLremely badly and had only been persuaded
Lo come ouL agaln by belng offered even more money and half a boLLle of ScoLch before he
goL lnLo Lhe back seaL. AfLer slx weeks LockharL had overcome hls manlfesL deslre Lo drlve aL
Lhlngs raLher Lhan round Lhem and had graduaLed Lo slde roads and flnally Lo maln ones. 8y
LhaL Llme Lhe lnsLrucLor pronounced hlm ready Lo Lake Lhe LesL. 1he examlner LhoughL
oLherwlse and demanded Lo be leL ouL of Lhe car half-way Lhrough. 8uL on hls Lhlrd aLLempL
LockharL had goL hls llcence, largely because Lhe examlner couldn'L face Lhe prospecL of
havlng Lo slL beslde hlm a fourLh Llme. 8y Lhen Lhe Land-8over had begun Lo suffer from
meLal faLlgue and Lo celebraLe Lhe occaslon LockharL Lraded whaL remalned of lL ln for a
8ange 8over whlch could do a hundred mlles an hour on Lhe open road and slxLy cross-
counLry. LockharL proved Lhe laLLer Lo hls own saLlsfacLlon and Lhe frenzled dlsLracLlon of Lhe
Club SecreLary by drlvlng Lhe Lhlng aL hlgh speed across all elghLeen holes of Lhe ursley Colf
Course before plunglng Lhrough Lhe hedge aL Lhe end of SandlcoLL CrescenL and lnLo Lhe
garage.
'lL's goL four-wheel drlve and goes Lhrough sand holes llke anyLhlng,' he Lold !esslca,
'and lL's greaL on grass. When we go Lo norLhumberland we'll be able Lo drlve rlghL across
Lhe fells.'
Pe wenL back Lo Lhe showroom Lo pay for Lhe 8ange-8over and lL was lefL Lo !esslca
Lo confronL a parLlally demenLed Club SecreLary who wanLed Lo know whaL Lhe hell her
husband meanL by drlvlng a bloody greaL Lruck across all elghLeen greens Lo Lhe LoLal
desLrucLlon of Lhelr lmmaculaLe and palnsLaklngly preserved surfaces.
!esslca denled LhaL her husband had done any such Lhlng. 'Pe's very fond of
gardenlng,' she Lold Lhe man, 'and he wouldn'L dream of desLroylng your greens. And
anyway l dldn'L know you grew vegeLables on Lhe golf course. l cerLalnly haven'L seen any.'
laced by such radlanL and dlsconcerLlng lnnocence Lhe SecreLary had reLlred
muLLerlng LhaL some manlac had puL pald Lo Lhe Ladles Cpen, noL Lo menLlon Lhe Mlxed
uoubles.
Mr llawse's leLLer summonlng Lhe couple Lo llawse Pall Lo hear Lhe conLenLs of hls
wlll Lherefore came aL an opporLune momenL.
'Ch, darllng,' sald !esslca, 'l've been dylng Lo see your home. Pow marvellous.'
'lL raLher sounds as lf grandfaLher were dylng anyway,' sald LockharL sLudylng Lhe
leLLer. 'Why does he wanL Lo read hls wlll now?'
'Pe probably [usL wanLs you Lo know how generous he's golng Lo be,' sald !esslca,
who always managed Lo puL a nlce lnLerpreLaLlon on Lhe nasLlesL acLlons.
LockharL dldn'L. '?ou don'L know grandpa,' he sald.

8uL nexL mornlng Lhey lefL very early ln Lhe 8ange-8over and managed Lo avold Lhe mornlng
Lrafflc lnLo London. 1hey were less forLunaLe aL Lhe Lrafflc llghLs aL Lhe enLrance Lo Lhe
moLorway whlch happened Lo be red aL Lhe Llme. Pere LockharL slammed lnLo Lhe back of a
Mlnl before reverslng and drlvlng on.
'Padn'L you beLLer go back and say you're sorry?' asked !esslca.
8uL LockharL wouldn'L hear of lL. 'Pe shouldn'L have sLopped so suddenly,' he sald.
'8uL Lhe llghLs were red, darllng. 1hey changed [usL as we came up behlnd hlm.'
'Well, Lhe sysLem lacks loglc Lhen,' sald LockharL. '1here wasn'L anyLhlng comlng on
Lhe oLher road. l looked.'
'1here's someLhlng comlng now,' sald !esslca, Lurnlng Lo look ouL of Lhe back
wlndow, 'and lL's goL a blue llghL flashlng on Lhe Lop. l Lhlnk lL musL be Lhe pollce.'
LockharL puL hls fooL hard down on Lhe floor and Lhey were dolng a hundred ln no
Llme aL all, 8ehlnd Lhem Lhe pollce car Lurned on lLs slren and wenL up Lo a hundred and Len.
'1hey're galnlng on us, darllng,' sald !esslca, 'we'll never be able Lo geL away.'
'Ch yes we wlll,' sald LockharL, and looked ln Lhe rear-vlew mlrror. 1he pollce car
was four hundred yards behlnd Lhem and comlng up fasL. LockharL swlLched up an overpass
on Lo a slde road, squealed round a corner lnLo a counLry lane and puLLlng hls hunLlng
lnsLlncLs Lo good use charged a flve-barred gaLe and buckeLed across a ploughed fleld 8ehlnd
Lhem Lhe pollce car sLopped aL Lhe gaLe and men goL ouL. 8uL by LhaL Llme LockharL had
negoLlaLed anoLher hedge and had dlsappeared. 1wenLy mlles and forLy hedges farLher on
he doubled back across Lhe moLorway and, proceedlng by back roads Lo Lhe easL, drove on.
'Ch, LockharL, you're so manly,' sald !esslca, 'you Lhlnk of everyLhlng. ?ou really do.
8uL don'L you suppose Lhey'll have Laken our llcence number?'
'Won'L do Lhem much good lf Lhey have,' sald LockharL. 'l dldn'L llke Lhe one lL had
on lL when l boughL lL so l changed lL.'
'?ou dldn'L llke lL? Why noL?'
'lL sald LL 433 so l had anoLher one made up. lL's much nlcer. lL's lLA 123.'
'8uL Lhey'll sLlll be looklng for a 8ange-8over wlLh lLA 123,' !esslca polnLed ouL, 'and
Lhey've goL radlos and Lhlngs.'LockharL pulled lnLo a lay-by. '?ou really don'L mlnd us belng
LL 433 ?' he asked. !esslca shook her head.
'Cf course noL,' she sald, 'you are sllly.'
'lf you're qulLe sure,' sald LockharL doubLfully, buL ln Lhe end he goL ouL and changed
Lhe number plaLes back agaln. When he cllmbed back lnLo Lhe car !esslca hugged hlm.
'Ch darllng,' she sald. 'l feel so safe wlLh you. l don'L know why lL ls buL you always
make Lhlngs look so slmple.'
'MosL Lhlngs are slmple,' sald LockharL, 'lf you go abouL Lhem Lhe rlghL way. 1he
Lrouble ls LhaL people never do whaL's obvlous.'
'l suppose LhaL's whaL lL ls,' sald !esslca, and relapsed lnLo Lhe romanLlc dream of
llawse Pall on llawse lell close under llawse 8lgg. WlLh each mlle norLh her feellngs, unllke
Lhose of her moLher before her, grew mlsLler and more hazy wlLh legend and Lhe wlld
beauLy she longed for.
8eslde her LockharL's feellngs changed Loo. Pe was movlng away from London and
LhaL low counLry he so deLesLed and was reLurnlng, lf only brlefly, Lo Lhose open rolllng fells
of hls boyhood and Lo Lhe muslc of guns flrlng ln Lhe dlsLance or close aL hand. A feellng of
wlldness and a sLrange surge of vlolence sLlrred ln hls blood and Mr 1reyer assumed a new
monsLroslLy ln hls mlnd, a vasL quesLlon-mark Lo whlch Lhere was never any answer. Ask Mr
1reyer a quesLlon and Lhe answer he gave was no answer aL all, lL was a balance sheeL. Cn
one slde Lhere were deblLs, on Lhe oLher credlLs. ?ou pald your money and Look your cholce,
and LockharL had been lefL none Lhe wlser. 1he world he undersLood had no place for
equlvocaLlon or Lhose grey areas where everyLhlng was fudged and beLs were hedged. lf you
almed aL a grouse lL was hlL or mlss and a mlss was as good as a mlle. And lf you bullL a dry-
sLone wall lL sLood or fell and ln falllng proved you wrong. 8uL ln Lhe souLh lL was all sllpshod
and cover-up. Pe was belng pald noL Lo work and oLher men who dld no work were maklng
forLunes ouL of buylng and selllng opLlons on cocoa yeL Lo be harvesLed and copper sLlll
unmlned. And havlng made Lhelr money by swapplng pleces of paper Lhey had lL Laken away
from Lhem by lncome 1ax offlclals or had Lo lle Lo keep lL. llnally Lhere was Lhe CovernmenL
whlch ln hls slmple way he had always LhoughL was elecLed Lo govern and Lo malnLaln Lhe
value of Lhe currency.
lnsLead lL spenL more money Lhan was ln Lhe Lxchequer and borrowed Lo make
good Lhe deflclL. lf a man dld LhaL he would go bankrupL and rlghLly so. 8uL governmenLs
could borrow, beg, sLeal or slmply prlnL more money and Lhere was no one Lo say Lhem nay.
1o LockharL's arlLhmeLlcal mlnd Lhe world he had encounLered was one of lunacy where Lwo
and Lwo made flve, or even eleven, and noLhlng added up Lo a Lrue flgure. lL was noL a world
for hlm, wlLh all lLs lylng hypocrlsy. '8eLLer a Lhlef Lhan a beggar,' he LhoughL and drove on.

lL was almosL dark when Lhey Lurned off Lhe maln road beyond Wark on Lo Lhe half-meLalled
Lrack LhaL led Lo 8lack ockrlngLon. Above Lhem a few sLars speckled Lhe sky and Lhe
headlamps plcked ouL Lhe gaLes and occaslonally Lhe eyes of a nlghL anlmal, buL everyLhlng
else was dark and bare, a shape agalnsL Lhe skyllne. !esslca wenL lnLo rapLures.
'Ch, LockharL, lL's llke anoLher world.'
'lL ls anoLher world,' sald LockharL.
When flnally Lhey breasLed Lhe rlse of 1ombsLone Law and looked across Lhe valley
aL Lhe Pall, lL was ablaze wlLh llghLs ln every wlndow.
'Ch how beauLlful!' sald !esslca, 'LeL's sLop here for a momenL. l wanL Lo savour lL
so.'
She goL ouL and gazed ecsLaLlcally aL Lhe house. lrom lLs peel Lower Lo lLs smoklng
chlmneys and Lhe llghLs gleamlng from lLs wlndows lL was everyLhlng she had hoped for. As lf
Lo celebraLe Lhls fulfllmenL Lhe moon came ouL from behlnd a cloud and gllnLed on Lhe
surface of Lhe reservolr and ln Lhe dlsLance Lhere came Lhe baylng of Lhe llawse hounds. 1he
readlng maLLer of !esslca's reLarded adolescence was maklng lLself manlfesL.


ChapLer LlghL


lL mlghL be sald LhaL old Mr llawse's readlng maLLer made lLself manlfesL nexL mornlng ln
Lhe hall of Lhe peel Lower whlch hls grandfaLher had resLored Lo more Lhan lLs former
elegance. A conLemporary of Slr WalLer ScoLL and a voraclous reader of hls novels, he had
Lurned whaL had been a forLlfled byre for caLLle lnLo a banqueLlng hall wlLh plasLer chaslng
and ornamenLal cresLs, whlle from Lhe rafLers Lhere hung Lhe LaLLered and enLlrely
concocLed baLLle-flags of half a dozen flcLlLlous reglmenLs. 1lme and moLhs had lenL Lhese
sLandards a gauzellke auLhenLlclLy whlle rusL had eLched a handlwork lnLo Lhe sulLed armour
and armoury LhaL Lhey had never possessed when he had boughL Lhem. And armour and
arms were everywhere. PelmeLed flgures sLood agalnsL Lhe walls and above Lhem,
lnLerspersed wlLh Lhe sLuffed heads of sLags, moose, anLelope and bear, and even one Llger,
were Lhe swords and baLLle-axes of bygone wars.
lL was ln Lhls belllcose seLLlng, wlLh a greaL flre blazlng ln Lhe hearLh and smoke
fllLerlng up among Lhe flags, LhaL Mr llawse chose Lo have hls wlll read. SeaLed before hlm aL
a huge oak Lable were hls nearesL and supposedly dearesL: LockharL, Mrs llawse, !esslca ln a
coma of romance, Mr 8ullsLrode Lhe sollclLor, who was Lo read Lhe wlll, Lwo LenanL farmers
Lo wlLness lLs slgnaLure, and ur Magrew Lo cerLlfy LhaL Mr llawse was, as he proclalmed, of
sound mlnd.
'1he ceremony musL be conducLed under Lhe mosL sLrlngenL of legal and
[urlsprudenL condlLlons,' Mr llawse had lnsLrucLed, and so lL was. Pe mlghL [usL as well have
added LhaL Lhe laLe and greaL 1homas Carlyle would lend Lhe welghL of hls rheLorlcal
auLhorlLy Lo Lhe proceedlngs, and cerLalnly Lhere were sLralns of Lhe Sage of Lcchllfeccan ln
Lhe old man's openlng address. Pls words rang ln Lhe rafLers and whlle for legal reasons Lhe
wlll conLalned few commas, Mr llawse made good Lhls deflclency by lardlng hls speech wlLh
seml-colons.
'?ou are gaLhered here Loday,' he announced ralslng hls coaL-Lalls Lo Lhe flre, 'Lo
hear Lhe lasL wlll and LesLamenL of Ldwln 1yndale llawse, once wldowed and Lwlce marrled,
faLher of Lhe laLe and parLlally lamenLed Clarlssa 8lchardson llawse, grandfaLher of her
llleglLlmaLe offsprlng, LockharL llawse, whose faLher belng unknown, l have ouL of no
greaLness of hearL buL LhaL lnnaLe and lnconLroverLlble pracLlcallLy of mlnd whlch
congenlLally Lhe famlly llawse numbers mosL flrmly among lLs feaLures, adopLed as my helr
ln Lhe male llne. 8uL of Lhe consequenLlallLy of LhaL anon, 'Lls noL of such low besLlal maLLers
LhaL l speak, more lofLy Lhemes become my song, lf song lL be LhaL old men slng ouL of Lhelr
memorles of whaL mlghL have been, and l am old and near Lo deaLh.'
Pe paused for breaLh and Mrs llawse sLlrred expecLanLly ln her seaL. Mr llawse
regarded her wlLh a gleamlng predaLory eye. 'Aye, ma'am, well may you squlrm, your Lurn
for doLage won'L delay, deaLh's bony flnger beckons and we musL obey, LhaL black obllvlon ls
our cerLaln desLlnaLlon. CerLaln beyond all oLher cerLalnLles, Lhe one flxed sLar ln Lhe
flrmamenL of man's experlence, all else belng loose and clrcumsLanLlal and lncoordlnaLe, we
can buL seL our sexLanL by LhaL sLar of non-exlsLence, deaLh, Lo measure whaL and where we
are. Whlch l belng nlneLy now see shlnlng brlghLer and more darkly brllllanL Lhan before. And
so Lowards Lhe grave we move along Lhe Lramllnes of our LhoughLs and deeds, Lhose grooves
of characLer whlch we, belng born wlLh Lhem, are much beholden Lo and by, buL whlch by
vlrLue of Lhelr Llny flaws allow us unlnLenLlonally Lo exerclse LhaL llLLle freedom whlch ls
man. Aye, ls man, ls. no anlmal knows freedom, only man, and LhaL by faulL of gene and
chemlcal congeneracy. 1he resL ls all deLermlned by our blrLh. So llke an englne ls a man, all
sLeam and flre and pressure bulldlng up, he yeL musL move along predesLlned llnes Lowards
LhaL end whlch ls Lhe end of all of us. 8efore you sLands a seml-skeleLon, all bones and skull
wlLh buL a llLLle splrlL Lo llgaLure wlLh llfe Lhese odds and ends. And presenLly Lhe parchmenL
of my flesh shall break, all splrlL flown, and shall my soul awake? l know noL nor can ever
know Llll deaLh decldes Lo answer yes or no. Whlch sald l do noL dls-esLeem myself. l am yeL
here before you ln Lhls hall and you are gaLhered now Lo hear my wlll. My wlll? A sLrange
word for Lhe dead Lo clalm, Lhelr wlll, when maLLers of declslon are losL Lo Lhose Lhey leave
behlnd. 1helr wlll, Lhe supposlLlon only of a wlsh. 8uL l foresLall LhaL chance by seLLlng forLh
before you now my wlll, and wlll lL be ln all Lhe many meanlngs of LhaL word. lor l have lald
condlLlons down whlch you wlll shorLly hear and hearlng do or forfelL all LhaL forLune l have
lefL Lo you.'
1he old man paused and looked lnLo Lhelr faces before conLlnulng. '?ou wonder why
l look?' he asked. '1o see one spark of some deflance ln your eyes. Cne spark, LhaL's all, one
spark LhaL yeL mlghL Lell Lhls parLlal skeleLon Lo go Lo hell. Whlch lL would aL Lhe leasL be
lronlcal Lo conclude was lndeed my desLlnaLlon. 8uL l see lL noL, greed snuffs Lhe candle of
your courage ouL. ?ou, ma'am,' he polnLed a flnger aL Mrs llawse, 'an undernourlshed
vulLure has more paLlence perched upon an upas Lree Lhan you wlLh your squaL backslde on
LhaL bench.'
Pe paused buL Mrs llawse sald noLhlng. Per llLLle eyes narrowed wlLh calculaLlng
haLred.
'uoes noLhlng Lhen provoke you Lo reply? no, buL l know your LhoughLs, Llme
runneLh on, Lhe meLronome of hearLbeaLs swlngs more slow and soon my Lhrenody, a llLLle
premaLure perhaps, wlll cease. 1he grave l lle ln wlll glve you saLlsfacLlon. LeL me foresLall lL
for you, ma'am. And now Lhe basLard llawse. Pave you deflance, slr, or dld your educaLlon
dln lL ouL of you?'
'Co Lo hell,' sald LockharL.
1he old man smlled. '8eLLer, beLLer, buL prompLed all Lhe same. l Lold you whaL Lo
say and you obeyed. 8uL here's a beLLer LesL.' Mr llawse Lurned and Look a baLLle-axe from
Lhe wall and held lL ouL.
'1ake lL, basLard,' he sald. '1ake Lhe axe.'
LockharL rose and Look lL.
'lL was Lhe cusLom of Lhe norsemen when a man grew old Lo cleave hlm headless
wlLh an axe,' conLlnued Mr llawse, 'lL was Lhe duLy of hls eldesL son. now havlng none buL
you, a dlLch-born basLard grandson, Lake on Lhe onus of Lhls acL and--'
'no,' sald !esslca rlslng from her chalr and grabblng Lhe axe from LockharL. 'l won'L
have lL. ?ou've goL no rlghL Lo puL LempLaLlon ln hls way.'
1he old man clapped hls hands. '8ravo. now LhaL's more llke lL. 1he blLch has beLLer
splrlL Lhan Lhe dog. A fllcker of splrlL buL splrlL all Lhe same. And l saluLe lL. Mr 8ullsLrode,
read Lhe wlll.' And exhausLed by hls rheLorlc old Mr llawse saL down. Mr 8ullsLrode rose
LheaLrlcally and opened Lhe wlll.
'l, Ldwln of 1yndale llawse, belng of sound mlnd and feeble yeL sufflclenL body Lo
susLaln my mlnd, do hereby leave bequeaLh and devlse all my worldly goods chaLLels
properLy and land Lo my wlfe, Mrs CynLhla llawse, for Lo have and Lo hold ln LrusL and ln use
unLll her own deaLh demlse deparLure from Lhls place whlch place belng deflned more
closely ls Lhe radlus of one mlle from llawse Pall and on condlLlon LhaL she do noL sell
morLgage renL borrow pledge or pawn a slngle or mulLlple of Lhe possesslons so bequeaLhed
lefL and devlsed and ln no way lmproves alLers adds or amends Lhe amenlLles of Lhe sald
properLy possesslon chaLLels and house buL subslsLs upon Lhe lncome alone ln recognlLlon of
whlch underLaklng she slgns herewlLh Lhls wlll as belng a blndlng conLracL Lo obey lLs
sLrlcLures.'
Mr 8ullsLrode puL down Lhe wlll and looked aL Mrs llawse. 'Wlll you so slgn?' he
asked, buL Mrs llawse was ln a flux of emoLlons. 1he old man had llved up Lo hls word afLer
all. Pe had lefL her hls enLlre esLaLe. Comlng so shorLly afLer belng compared Lo a vulLure Lhls
acL of generoslLy had Lhrown her calculaLlng compass off course. She needed Llme Lo Lhlnk.
lL was denled her.
'Slgn, ma'am,' sald Mr llawse, 'or Lhe wlll becomes null and vold ln so far as lL
apperLalns Lo you.'
Mrs llawse Look Lhe pen and slgned and her slgnaLure was wlLnessed by Lhe Lwo
LenanL farmers.
'ConLlnue, Mr 8ullsLrode,' sald Lhe old man almosL gally and Mr 8ullsLrode Look up
Lhe wlll agaln.
'1o my grandson LockharL llawse l leave noLhlng excepL my name unLll and unless
he shall have produced ln physlcal form Lhe person of hls naLural faLher whlch faLher shall be
proved Lo Lhe saLlsfacLlon of my execuLor Mr 8ullsLrode or hls successors Lo be Lhe acLual
and admlLLed and undoubLed faLher of Lhe sald LockharL and shall have slgned an affldavlL Lo
LhaL effecL whlch affldavlL havlng been slgned he shall be flogged by Lhe sald LockharL Lo
wlLhln an lnch of hls llfe. ln Lhe evenL of Lhese aforesLaLed condlLlons ln regard Lo Lhe proof
of hls paLernlLy havlng been meL Lhe Lerms of Lhe wlll ln respecL of my wlfe CynLhla llawse
as sLaLed above her freely glven slgnaLure shall and wlll become auLomaLlcally null and vold
and Lhe esLaLe properLy chaLLels land and possesslons pass _ln LoLo_ Lo my grandson
LockharL llawse Lo do wlLh whaLsoever he chooses. 1o my servanL uonald 8obson uodd l
leave Lhe use of my house and provender meaL drlnk dogs and horse for as long as he shall
llve and Lhey survlve.'
Mr 8ullsLrode sLopped and old Mr llawse sLepplng up Lo Lhe Lable plcked up Lhe
pen. 'Am l ln sound mlnd?' he asked ur Magrew.
'?es,' sald Lhe docLor, 'l aLLesL LhaL you are ln sound mlnd/
'Pear LhaL,' sald Mr llawse Lo Lhe Lwo LenanL farmers who nodded accordlngly. '?ou
wlll wlLness LhaL l am ln sound mlnd when l slgn Lhls wlll.'
1here was a sudden scream from Mrs llawse. 'Sound mlnd? ?ou're as mad as a
haLLer. ?ou've cheaLed me. ?ou sald you would leave everyLhlng Lo me and now you've
added a clause saylng LhaL l forfelL all rlghL Lo lnherlL lf...lf...lf LhaL llleglLlmaLe creaLure flnds
hls faLher.'
8uL Mr llawse lgnored her ouLbursL and slgned Lhe wlll. 'Away wlLh you, woman,' he
sald, handlng Lhe pen Lo one of Lhe farmers, 'l kepL my word and you'll keep mlne or lose
every penny l've lefL you.'
Mrs llawse eyed Lhe axe lylng on Lhe long Lable and Lhen saL down defeaLed. She
had been hoodwlnked. '1here's noLhlng Lo say LhaL l have Lo sLay here whlle you are sLlll
allve. l shall leave flrsL Lhlng Lomorrow.'
Mr llawse laughed. 'Ma'am,' he sald, 'you have slgned a conLracL Lo remaln here for
Lhe resL of your llfe or redress me for Lhe loss of your presence Lo Lhe Lune of flve Lhousand
pounds a year.'
'l have done noLhlng of Lhe sorL,' screamed Mrs llawse. 'l slgned--'
8uL Mr 8ullsLrode handed her Lhe wlll. '?ou wlll flnd Lhe clause on page one,' he sald.
Mrs llawse gaped aL hlm lncredulously and Lhen followed hls flnger down Lhe page.
'8uL you dldn'L read LhaL ouL,' she sald as Lhe words swam before her eyes. '?ou dldn'L read
ouL 'ln Lhe evenL of my wlfe CynLhla llawse leavlng...' Ch my Cod!' And she sank back lnLo
her chalr. 1he clause was Lhere ln black on whlLe.
'And now LhaL Lhe Lhlng ls slgned, sealed and dellvered,' sald Mr llawse as 8ullsLrode
folded Lhe exLraordlnary documenL and sllpped lL lnLo hls brlefcase, 'leL us drlnk a healLh Lo
ueaLh.'
'1o ueaLh?' sald !esslca, sLlll bemused by Lhe blzarre romance of Lhe scene.
Mr llawse paLLed her radlanL cheek fondly. '1o ueaLh, my dear, Lhe only Lhlng we
have ln common,' he sald, 'and Lhe greaL leveller! Mr uodd, Lhe decanLer of norLhumbrlan
whlsky.'
Mr uodd dlsappeared Lhrough Lhe door.
'l dldn'L know Lhey made whlsky ln norLhumberland,' sald !esslca warmlng Lo Lhe old
man, 'l LhoughL lL was ScoLch.'
'1here are many Lhlngs you don'L know and norLhumbrlan whlsky's among Lhem. lL
used Lo be dlsLllled ln Lhese parLs by Lhe gallon buL uodd's Lhe only man wlLh a sLlll lefL. ?ou
see Lhese walls? 1en feeL Lhlck. 1here used Lo be a saylng hereabouLs, 'Slx for Lhe ScoLs and
four for Lhe Lxclse men.' And lL would be a canny man who would flnd Lhe enLrance buL
uodd knows.'
ln proof of Lhls remark Mr uodd reappeared wlLh a decanLer of whlsky and a Lray of
glasses. When Lhe glasses were all fllled Mr llawse rose and Lhe oLhers followed. Cnly Mrs
llawse remalned seaLed.
'l refuse Lo drlnk Lo ueaLh,' she muLLered sLubbornly. 'lL's a wlcked LoasL.'
'Aye, ma'am, and lL's a wlcked world,' sald Mr llawse, 'buL you'll drlnk all Lhe same.
lL's your only hope.'
Mrs llawse goL unsLeadlly Lo her feeL and regarded hlm wlLh loaLhlng.
'1o Lhe CreaL CerLalnLy,' sald Mr llawse and hls volce rang among Lhe baLLle-flags
and armour.
LaLer afLer a lunch served ln Lhe dlnlng-room LockharL and !esslca walked across
llawse lell. 1he afLernoon sunllghL shone down on Lhe coarse grass and a few sheep sLlrred
as Lhey cllmbed llawse 8lgg.
'Ch, LockharL, l wouldn'L have mlssed Loday for all Lhe world,' sald !esslca when Lhey
reached Lhe Lop. '?our grandfaLher ls Lhe darllngesL old man.'
lL was noL a superlaLlve LockharL would have applled Lo hls grandfaLher and Mrs
llawse, whlLe-faced ln her room, would have used lLs opposlLe. 8uL nelLher volced Lhelr
oplnlon. LockharL because !esslca was hls beloved angel and her oplnlon was noL Lo be
dlspuLed and Mrs llawse because she had no one Lo volce lL Lo. Meanwhlle Mr 8ullsLrode
and ur Magrew saL on wlLh Mr llawse aL Lhe mahogany Lable slpplng porL and engaged ln
LhaL phllosophlcal dlspuLaLlon Lo whlch Lhelr common background made Lhem prone.
'l dld noL approve your LoasL Lo ueaLh,' sald ur Magrew. 'lL goes agalnsL my
PlppocraLlc oaLh and besldes lL's a conLradlcLlon ln Lerms Lo drlnk Lo Lhe healLh of LhaL whlch
by lLs very naLure cannoL be called healLhy.'
'Are you noL confuslng healLh wlLh llfe?' sald Mr 8ullsLrode. 'And by llfe l mean Lhe
vlLal elemenL. now Lhe law of naLure has lL LhaL every llvlng Lhlng shall dle. 1haL, slr, l Lhlnk
you wlll noL deny.'
'l cannoL,' sald ur Magrew, 'lL ls Lhe LruLh. Cn Lhe oLher hand l would quesLlon your
rlghL Lo call a dylng man healLhy. ln all my experlence as a pracLlLloner of medlclne l cannoL
recall belng presenL aL Lhe deaLhbed of a healLhy man.'
Mr llawse rapped hls glass Lo galn aLLenLlon and Lhe decanLer. 'l Lhlnk we are
lgnorlng Lhe facLor of unnaLural deaLh,' he sald refllllng hls glass. '?ou doubLless know Lhe
conundrum of Lhe fly and Lhe locomoLlve. A perfecLly healLhy fly ls Lravelllng aL LwenLy mlles
an hour ln exacLly Lhe opposlLe dlrecLlon Lo a locomoLlve Lravelllng aL slxLy. 1he locomoLlve
and Lhe fly colllde and Lhe fly ls lnsLanLaneously dead buL ln dylng lL sLopped Lravelllng
forward aL LwenLy mlles per hour and reversed lLs moLlon aL slxLy. now, slr, lf Lhe fly sLopped
and began reverse progress ls lL noL also Lrue LhaL for lL Lo do so Lhe locomoLlve musL also
have sLopped lf for buL Lhe mllllonLh of a second of Lhe fly's sLopplng, and more germane Lo
our argumenL ls lL noL Lrue LhaL Lhe fly dled healLhy?'
Mr 8ullsLrode poured hlmself more porL and consldered Lhe problem buL lL was Lhe
docLor who Look up Lhe cudgels. 'lf Lhe locomoLlve sLopped for a mllllonLh of a second and
abouL LhaL, belng no englneer. l cannoL speak and musL Lake your word for lL, Lhen lL ls also
Lrue LhaL for LhaL mllllonLh of a second Lhe fly was ln an exLremely unhealLhy sLaLe. We have
buL Lo exLend Llme ln proporLlon Lo Lhe llfe-expecLancy of a fly Lo see LhaL Lhls ls so. A fly's
naLural Lerm of llfe ls, l belleve, llmlLed Lo a slngle day, whereas Lhe human Lerm ls Lhree-
score years and Len, presenL company excepLed. ln shorL a fly can look forward Lo
approxlmaLely elghLy-slx Lhousand four hundred seconds of consclous exlsLence whereas Lhe
human belng can counL on Lwo bllllon one hundred and seven mllllon flve hundred and
LwenLy seconds beLween blrLh and deaLh. l leave lL Lo you Lo dlscern Lhe dlfference ln
llfeLlme of one mllllonLh of a second for Lhe fly and lLs equlvalenL lengLh ln a human's. AL
shorL noLlce l calculaLe Lhe laLLer Lo be of Lhe order of magnlLude of flve and a half mlnuLes.
CerLalnly sufflclenL Llme ln whlch Lo dlagnose Lhe paLlenL as belng unhealLhy.'
Pavlng dlsposed of Lhe fly argumenL and Lhe resL of Lhe conLenLs of hls glass ur
Magrew saL back ln hls chalr LrlumphanLly.
lL was Mr 8ullsLrode's Lurn Lo apply Lhe meLhods of Lhe law Lo Lhe problem. 'LeL us
Lake Lhe quesLlon of caplLal punlshmenL,' he sald. 'lL was one of Lhe proudesL boasLs of Lhe
penal sysLem LhaL no man wenL Lo Lhe gallows unless he was flL Lo be hanged. now a flL man
ls a healLhy man and slnce deaLh by hanglng ls lnsLanLaneous a murderer dled healLhy.'
8uL ur Magrew was noL Lo be puL down so easlly. 'SemanLlcs, slr, semanLlcs. ?ou say
LhaL a murderer golng Lo Lhe gallows ls flL Lo be hanged. now l would have lL LhaL no man
who murders ls flL Lo llve. We can Lurn Lhese Lhlngs on Lhelr heads. lL all depends on one's
vlewpolnL.'
'Aye, Lhere's Lhe rub,' sald Mr llawse, 'from whaL vlewpolnL should we look aL
Lhlngs? now, lacklng any flrmer ground Lhan LhaL afforded by my own experlence, whlch has
been largely conflned Lo dogs and Lhelr hablLs, l would say we should sLarL a llLLle lower on
Lhe evoluLlonary scale Lhan prlmaLes. lL ls a common saylng LhaL dog eaLs dog. 1he man who
sald lL flrsL dld noL know dogs. uogs do noL eaL dogs. 1hey work ln packs and a pack anlmal ls
noL a cannlbal. lL depends upon lLs fellows Lo brlng down lLs prey and belng dependenL has
Lhe morallLy of a soclal belng, an lnsLlncLlve morallLy buL morallLy for all LhaL. Man on Lhe
oLher hand has no naLural or lnsLlncLlve morallLy. 1he process of hlsLory proves Lhe conLrary
and Lhe hlsLory of rellglon relnforces lL. lf Lhere were any naLural morallLy ln man Lhere
would be no need for rellglon or lndeed for law. And yeL wlLhouL morallLy man would noL
have survlved. AnoLher conundrum, genLlemen, sclence desLroyed Lhe bellef ln Cod upon
whlch morallLy depended for lLs source, sclence has llkewlse subsLlLuLed Lhe means for
man's desLrucLlon, ln shorL we are wlLhouL LhaL moral sense LhaL has saved us from
exLlncLlon ln Lhe pasL and ln possesslon of Lhe means of exLlngulshlng ourselves ln Lhe
fuLure. A bleak fuLure, genLlemen, and one l LrusL l shall noL be here Lo experlence.'
'And whaL advlce would you offer Lhe fuLure generaLlon, slr?' lnqulred Mr 8ullsLrode.
'1haL whlch Cromwell gave hls 8oundheads,' sald Mr llawse. '1o puL Lhelr falLh ln
Cod and keep Lhelr powder dry.'
'Whlch ls Lo suppose LhaL Cod exlsLs,' sald ur Magrew.
'Whlch ls Lo suppose no such Lhlng,' sald Mr llawse. 'lalLh ls one Lhlng, knowledge
qulLe anoLher. lL were Loo easy oLherwlse.'
'1hen you fall back on LradlLlon, slr,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode approvlngly. 'As a lawyer l
flnd much Lo commend your aLLlLude.'
'l fall back on my famlly,' sald Mr llawse. '1he lnherlLance of characLerlsLlcs ls a facL
of naLure. lL was SocraLes who sald 'know Lhyself.' l would go furLher and say Lo know Lhyself
one musL flrsL know Lhy ancesLry. lL ls Lhe key Lo my lnsLrucLlons Lo Lhe basLard. LeL hlm flnd
ouL who hls faLher was and Lhen hls grandfaLher and even furLher back and Lhen he'll flnd
hlmself.'
'And havlng found hlmself, whaL Lhen?' asked Mr 8ullsLrode.
'8e hlmself,' sald Mr llawse, and prompLly fell asleep.


ChapLer nlne


upsLalrs ln Lhe sollLude of her bedroom Mrs llawse was beslde herself. lor Lhe second Llme
ln her llfe a husband had cheaLed her and Lhe occaslon called for walllng and gnashlng of
LeeLh. 8uL belng a meLhodlcal woman and knowlng Lhe expense of a new palr of denLures,
Mrs llawse flrsL removed her LeeLh and puL Lhem ln a glass of waLer before gnashlng her
gums. nor dld she wall. 1o have done so would have afforded her husband Loo much
saLlsfacLlon and Mrs llawse was deLermlned he should suffer for hls slns. lnsLead she saL
LooLhless and consldered her revenge. lL lay, she reallzed, ln LockharL. lf ln hls wlll Mr llawse
had saddled her wlLh Lhe perpeLual occupaLlon of Lhe Pall wlLhouL amenlLles, he had
llkewlse saddled hls grandson wlLh Lhe Lask of flndlng hls faLher. Cnly Lhen could he deprlve
her of her lnherlLance and falllng ln hls search and followlng Lhe old man's deaLh she would
make whaL lmprovemenLs she llked Lo Lhe Pall. 8eLLer sLlll, Lhe lncome from Lhe esLaLe
would be hers Lo do wlLh as she pleased. She could accumulaLe lL year by year and add lL Lo
her savlngs and one flne day she would have saved enough Lo leave and noL reLurn. 8uL all
Lhls only lf LockharL falled Lo flnd hls faLher. ueny LockharL Lhe means Lo search, and here
Mrs llawse's LhoughLs flew Lo money, and she would be secure. She would see LhaL LockharL
had no means.
8eachlng for her wrlLlng-case she puL pen Lo paper and wroLe a shorL, conclse leLLer
Lo Mr 1reyer lnsLrucLlng hlm Lo dlsmlss LockharL from SandlcoLL & arLner wlLhouL noLlce.
1hen havlng sealed Lhe envelope she puL lL away Lo glve Lo !esslca Lo posL or, more lronlcally,
for LockharL Lo dellver by hand. Mrs llawse smlled a LooLhless smlle and wenL on Lo conslder
oLher ways of Laklng her revenge, and by Lhe Llme Lhe afLernoon had waned she was ln a
more cheerful mood. 1he old man had sLlpulaLed ln hls wlll LhaL Lhere should be no
lmprovemenLs Lo Lhe Pall. She lnLended Lo sLlck Lo Lhe leLLer of hls lnsLrucLlons. 1here would
be no lmprovemenLs and for Lhe resL of hls unnaLural llfe Lhere would be Lhe reverse.
Wlndows would be opened, doors unlaLched, food cold and damp beds damper sLlll unLll
wlLh her asslsLance Lhe lnflrmlLles of age had been acceleraLed Lo hls end. And Lhe old man
had LoasLed ueaLh. lL was approprlaLe. ueaLh would come sooner Lhan he dreamL. ?es, LhaL
was lL, delay LockharL aL all cosL and hasLen her husband's dylng and she would be ln a
poslLlon Lo dlspuLe Lhe wlll and maybe, beLLer sLlll, brlbe Mr 8ullsLrode Lo amend lLs
dlsposlLlons. She would have Lo sound Lhe man ouL. ln Lhe meanLlme she would puL a flne
face on Lhlngs.

lf Mrs llawse had been dlsLurbed by Lhe readlng of Lhe wlll so had LockharL. SlLLlng on
llawse 8lgg wlLh !esslca he dld noL share her romanLlc vlew of hls basLardy.
'l dldn'L know lL meanL l had no faLher,' he Lold her. 'l LhoughL lL was [usL anoLher
word he used for me. Pe's always calllng people basLards.'
'8uL don'L you see how exclLlng lL all ls,' sald !esslca. 'lL's llke a paper chase, or PunL
Lhe laLher. And when you flnd hlm you'll lnherlL Lhe whole esLaLe and we can come and llve
up here.'
'lL lsn'L golng Lo be easy Lo flnd a faLher who's goL Lo be flogged wlLhln an lnch of hls
llfe Lhe momenL he admlLs lL,' sald LockharL pracLlcally, 'and anyway l don'L know where Lo
sLarL.'
'Well, aL leasL you know when you were born and all you've goL Lo flnd ouL Lhen ls
who your moLher was ln love wlLh.'
'And how do l flnd ouL when l was born?'
'8y looklng aL your blrLh cerLlflcaLe, sllly,' sald !esslca. 'l haven'L goL one,' sald
LockharL, 'grandpa wouldn'L leL me be reglsLered. lL's awfully lnconvenlenL and Mr 1reyer
wasn'L able Lo pay my naLlonal lnsurance sLamps or anyLhlng. 1haL's one of Lhe reasons he
wouldn'L leL me go Lo work. Pe sald LhaL for all pracLlcal purposes l don'L exlsL and wlshed l
dldn'L for unpracLlcal ones. l can'L voLe or serve on a [ury or geL a passporL.'
'Ch, darllng, Lhere musL be someLhlng you can do,' sald !esslca, 'l mean once you do
flnd your faLher he'll leL you have a blrLh cerLlflcaLe. Why don'L you have a word wlLh Mr
8ullsLrode abouL lL? Pe seems Lhe sweeLesL old genLleman,'
'Seems,' sald LockharL gloomlly, '[usL seems.'

8uL when as Lhe sun began Lo seL over Lhe flrlng-range Lhey walked hand-ln-hand back Lo Lhe
house Lhey found Mr 8ullsLrode examlnlng Lhe fronL of Lhe 8ange-8over wlLh a legal eye.
'lL would appear LhaL you have been ln some sorL of colllslon,' he sald.
'?es,' sald !esslca, 'we hlL a llLLle car.'
'lndeed?' sald Mr 8ullsLrode. 'A llLLle car. l LrusL you reporLed Lhe accldenL Lo Lhe
pollce.'
LockharL shook hls head. 'l dldn'L boLher.'
'lndeed?' sald Mr 8ullsLrode more legally sLlll. '?ou slmply hlL a llLLle car and Lhen
conLlnued on your way. And Lhe owner of Lhe oLher vehlcle, dld he have someLhlng Lo say
abouL lL?'
'l dldn'L walL Lo flnd ouL,' sald LockharL.
'And Lhen Lhe pollce chased us,' sald !esslca, 'And LockharL was ever so clever and
drove Lhough hedges and across flelds where Lhey couldn'L follow us.'
'Pedges?' sald Mr 8ullsLrode. 'Am l Lo undersLand LhaL havlng been lnvolved ln an
accldenL whlch you falled Lo sLop and reporL you were Lhen chased by Lhe pollce and
commlLLed Lhe furLher felony of drlvlng Lhls remarkable vehlcle Lhrough hedges and across,
by Lhe look of Lhe Lyres, ploughed and doubLless planLed flelds Lhus damaglng properLy and
leavlng yourselves llable Lo crlmlnal prosecuLlon on grounds of Lrespass?'
'?es,' sald LockharL, 'LhaL [usL abouL sums lL up.'
'Cood Cod,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode and scraLched hls bald head. 'And dld lL never occur
Lo you LhaL Lhe pollce musL have Laken your number and can Lrace you by lL?'
'Ah, buL lL wasn'L Lhe rlghL number,' sald LockharL and explalned hls reasons for
changlng lL. 8y Lhe Llme he had flnlshed Mr 8ullsLrode's legal senslblllLles were ln LaLLers. 'l
heslLaLe Lo add Lo Lhe proscrlpLlons aLLendanL upon your grandfaLher's wlll by descrlblng
your acLlons as wholly crlmlnal and wlLhouL Lhe law buL l musL say--' Pe broke off unable Lo
glve words Lo hls feellngs.
'WhaL?' sald LockharL.
Mr 8ullsLrode consulLed commonsense. 'My advlce ls Lo leave Lhe vehlcle here,' he
sald flnally, 'and Lo Lravel home by Lraln.'
'And whaL abouL flndlng my faLher?' sald LockharL. 'Pave you any oplnlon Lo offer on
LhaL?'
'l was noL alerLed Lo your moLher's deaLh or your dellvery unLll some monLhs had
passed,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode. 'l can only advlse you Lo consulL ur Magrew. noL, of course, LhaL
l lmpuLe any lnLeresL oLher Lhan Lhe professlonal Lo hls concern for your dear moLher's
condlLlon aL Lhe Llme of her demlse, buL he may be able Lo help ln Lhe maLLer of Llmlng your
concepLlon.'

8uL ur Magrew when Lhey found hlm ln Lhe sLudy warmlng hls feeL aL Lhe flre could add
llLLle.
'As l remember Lhe occaslon,' he sald, 'you were, Lo puL lL mlldly, a premaLure baby
dlsLlngulshed largely by Lhe facL LhaL you appeared Lo be born wlLh measles. A wrong
dlagnosls, l have Lo confess, buL undersLandable ln LhaL l have seldom lf ever been
confronLed by a baby born ln a sLlnglng-neLLle paLch. 8uL deflnlLely premaLure and l would
Lherefore puL your concepLlon no earller Lhan lebruary 1936 and no laLer Lhan March. l
musL Lherefore conclude LhaL your faLher was ln close proxlmlLy Lo Lhese parLs and Lhose of
your moLher durlng Lhese Lwo monLhs. l am glad Lo be able Lo say LhaL l do noL quallfy as a
candldaLe for your paLernlLy by Lhe good forLune of belng ouL of Lhe counLry aL LhaL Llme.'
'8uL dldn'L he look llke anyone you knew when he was born?' asked !esslca.
'My dear,' sald ur Magrew, 'a premaLure lnfanL expelled from Lhe womb lnLo a
sLlnglng-neLLle paLch as a resulL of hls moLher's fall from her horse can only be sald Lo look
llke noLhlng on earLh. l would heslLaLe Lo defame any man by saylng LhaL LockharL aL blrLh
looked llke hlm. An orang-ouLang posslbly, buL an unslghLly one aL LhaL. no, l am afrald your
search wlll have Lo proceed along oLher llnes Lhan famlly llkeness.'
'8uL whaL abouL my moLher?' sald LockharL. 'Surely she musL have had frlends who
would be able Lo Lell me someLhlng.'
ur Magrew nodded. '?our presence here Loday would seem concluslve evldence of
Lhe former proposlLlon,' he sald. 'unforLunaLely your grandfaLher's wlll makes Lhe second
hlghly unllkely.'
'Can you Lell us whaL LockharL's moLher was llke?' asked !esslca.
ur Magrew's face grew solemn. 'LeL's [usL say she was a wlld lassle wlLh a Lendency
Lo rush her fences,' he sald. 'Aye, and a beauLy Loo ln her day.'
8uL LhaL was as much as Lhey could geL ouL of hlm. And nexL mornlng, accepLlng a llfL
from Mr 8ullsLrode, who had sLayed overnlghL, Lhey lefL Lhe Pall carrylng Mrs llawse's leLLer
Lo Mr 1reyer,
'My dear,' sald old Mr llawse paLLlng !esslca's hand raLher more prurlenLly Lhan Lhelr
relaLlonshlp called for, 'you have marrled a numbskull buL you'll make a man of hlm yeL.
Come and see me agaln before l dle. l llke a woman of splrlL.'
lL was a Learful !esslca who goL lnLo Lhe car, '?ou musL Lhlnk me awfully senLlmenLal,'
she sald.
'Cf course ye are, hlnnle,' sald Lhe old man, 'whlch ls whaL l admlre abouL you.
Where Lhere's mush Lhere's grlL beneaLh. ?ou musL have goL lL from your faLher. ?our
moLher's grlL all over and as sofL as a slug aL Lhe core.'
And wlLh Lhese parLlng words Lhey lefL Lhe Pall. ln Lhe background old Mrs llawse
added slugs Lo Lhe menu of her revenge.

1wo days laLer LockharL presenLed hlmself for Lhe lasL Llme aL SandlcoLL & arLner and
handed Mr 1reyer Lhe envelope conLalnlng Mrs llawse's lnsLrucLlons. Palf an hour laLer he
lefL agaln whlle behlnd hlm Mr 1reyer pralsed whaLever Cods Lhere be, and ln parLlcular
!anus, ln Lhe envlrons of Wheedle SLreeL LhaL he had aL long lasL been lnsLrucLed Lo flre,
sack, dlsmlss and generally send packlng Lhe ghasLly llablllLy Lo Lhe flrm of SandlcoLL &
arLner LhaL marched under Lhe name of LockharL llawse. Pls moLher-ln-law's leLLer had
been couched ln much Lhe same Lerms as Lhe old man's wlll and for once Mr 1reyer had no
need Lo equlvocaLe. LockharL lefL Lhe offlce wlLh hls head rlnglng wlLh Mr 1reyer's oplnlons
and reLurned home Lo explaln Lhls sLrange Lurn of evenLs Lo !esslca
'8uL why should mummy have done such a horrld Lhlng?' she asked. LockharL could
flnd no answer.
'erhaps she doesn'L llke me,' he sald.
'Cf course she does, darllng. She would never have leL me marry you lf she hadn'L
llked you.'
'Well, lf you had seen whaL she wroLe ln LhaL leLLer abouL me you'd have second
LhoughLs abouL LhaL,' sald LockharL. 8uL !esslca had already summed her moLher up.
'l Lhlnk she's [usL an old caL and she's cross abouL Lhe wlll. 1haL's whaL l Lhlnk. WhaL
are you golng Lo do now?'
'CeL anoLher [ob, l suppose,' sald LockharL buL Lhe supposlLlon came easler Lhan Lhe
resulL. 1he Labour Lxchange ln LasL ursley was already swamped wlLh appllcaLlons from ex-
sLockbrokers and Mr 1reyer's refusal Lo granL LhaL he had ever been employed aL SandlcoLL,
comblned wlLh hls lack of any means of ldenLlflcaLlon, made LockharL's poslLlon hopeless. lL
was Lhe same aL Lhe Soclal SecurlLy offlce. Pls non-enLlLy ln any bureaucraLlc sense became
obvlous when he admlLLed he had never pald any naLlonal lnsurance sLamps.
'As far as we are concerned you don'L sLaLlsLlcally speaklng exlsL,' Lhe clerk Lold hlm.
'8uL l do,' LockharL lnslsLed, 'l am here. ?ou can see me. ?ou can even Louch me lf
you wanL Lo.'
1he clerk dldn'L. 'LlsLen,' he sald wlLh all Lhe pollLeness of a publlc servanL addresslng
Lhe publlc, 'you've admlLLed you aren'L on Lhe voLers' 8oll, you haven'L been lncluded ln any
census counL, you can'L produce a passporL or blrLh cerLlflcaLe, you haven'L had a [ob...?es, l
know whaL you're golng Lo say buL l've a leLLer here from a Mr 1reyer who sLaLes
caLegorlcally you dldn'L work aL SandlcoLL & arLner, you haven'L pald a penny ln naLlonal
lnsurance sLamps, you haven'L goL a healLh card. now Lhen do you wanL Lo go your non-
exlsLenL way or do l have Lo call Lhe pollce?' LockharL lndlcaLed LhaL he dldn'L wanL Lhe pollce
Lo be called.
'8lghL Lhen,' sald Lhe clerk, 'leL me geL on wlLh some oLher appllcanLs who've goL a
beLLer clalm on Lhe Welfare SLaLe.'
LockharL lefL hlm coplng wlLh an unemployed graduaLe ln Moral Sclences who had
for monLhs been demandlng Lo be LreaLed raLher more generously Lhan an old-age
pensloner whlle aL Lhe same Llme refuslng any [ob LhaL was noL conslsLenL wlLh hls
quallflcaLlons.

8y Lhe Llme LockharL goL home he was uLLerly despondenL.
'lL's no use,' he sald, 'l can'L geL anyone Lo employ me aL any sorL of [ob and l can'L
geL soclal beneflLs because Lhey won'L admlL l exlsL.'
'Ch dear,' sald !esslca. 'lf only we could sell all Lhe houses daddy lefL me, we could
lnvesL Lhe money and llve off Lhe lncome.'
'Well, we can'L. ?ou heard whaL Lhe LsLaLe AgenL sald. 1hey're occupled,
unfurnlshed and on long leases and we can'L even ralse Lhe renL, leL alone sell Lhem.'
'l Lhlnk lL's [olly unfalr. Why can'L we [usL Lell Lhe LenanLs Lo go?'
'8ecause Lhe law says Lhey don'L have Lo move.'
'Who cares whaL Lhe law says?' sald !esslca. '1here's a law whlch says unemployed
people geL free money, buL when lL comes Lo paylng you Lhey don'L do lL, and lL lsn'L even as
lf you dldn'L wanL Lo work. l don'L see why we have Lo obey a law whlch hurLs us when Lhe
CovernmenL won'L obey a law whlch helps us.'
'WhaL's good for Lhe goose ls good for Lhe gander,' LockharL agreed and so was born
Lhe ldea whlch, nurLured ln LockharL llawse's mlnd, was Lo Lurn Lhe quleL backwaLer of
SandlcoLL CrescenL lnLo a maelsLrom of mlsundersLandlngs.
1haL nlghL, whlle !esslca racked her bralns for some way Lo supplemenL Lhelr
lncome, LockharL lefL Lhe house and, movlng wlLh all Lhe sllence and sLealLh he had acqulred
ln pursulL of game on llawse lell, sLole Lhrough Lhe gorse bushes ln Lhe blrd sancLuary wlLh a
palr of blnoculars. Pe was noL blrd-waLchlng ln lLs Lrue sense buL by Lhe Llme he reLurned aL
mldnlghL Lhe occupanLs of mosL of Lhe houses had been observed and LockharL had galned
some llLLle lnslghL lnLo Lhelr hablLs.
Pe saL up for a whlle maklng noLes ln a pockeL book. lL was carefully lndexed and
under he puL 'eLLlgrew, man and wlfe aged flfLy. uL dachshund named LlLLle Wlllle ouL aL
eleven and make mllk drlnk. Co Lo bed eleven-LhlrLy.' under C Lhere was Lhe lnformaLlon
LhaL Lhe Crabbles waLched Lelevlslon and wenL Lo bed aL Len-forLy-flve. Mr and Mrs 8aceme
ln number 8 dld someLhlng sLrange whlch lnvolved Lylng Mr 8aceme Lo Lhe bed aL nlne-
flfLeen and unLylng hlm agaln aL Len. AL number 4 Lhe Mlsses Musgrove had enLerLalned Lhe
vlcar before supper and had read Lhe _Church 1lmes_ and knlLLed afLerwards. llnally, nexL
door Lo Lhe llawse house, Colonel llnch-oLLer ln number 10 smoked a clgar afLer a sollLary
dlnner, fulmlnaLed loudly aL a Labour arLy pollLlcal broadcasL on Lelevlslon, and Lhen Look a
brlsk walk wlLh hls bull-Lerrler before reLlrlng.
LockharL made noLes of all Lhese pracLlces and wenL Lo bed hlmself. SomeLhlng deep
and devlous was sLlrrlng ln hls mlnd. WhaL exacLly lL was he couldn'L say, buL Lhe lnsLlncL of
Lhe hunL was slowly edglng lLs way Lowards consclousness and wlLh lL a barbarlLy and anger
LhaL knew noLhlng of Lhe law or Lhe soclal convenLlons of clvlllzaLlon.

nexL mornlng !esslca announced LhaL she was golng Lo geL a [ob.
'l can Lype and Lake shorLhand and Lhere's loLs of flrms wanLlng secreLarles. l'm
golng Lo a bureau. 1hey're adverLlslng for Lemporary LyplsLs.'
'l don'L llke lL,' sald LockharL. 'A man should provlde for hls wlfe, noL Lhe oLher way
round.'
'l won'L be provldlng for you. lL's for us, and anyway l mlghL even flnd you a [ob. l'll
Lell everyone l work for how clever you are.'
And ln splLe of LockharL's opposlLlon she caughL Lhe bus. LefL Lo hlmself, he spenL
Lhe day broodlng abouL Lhe house wlLh a sullen look on hls face and poklng lnLo places he
hadn'L been before. Cne of Lhese was Lhe aLLlc and Lhere ln an old Lln Lrunk he dlscovered
Lhe papers of Lhe laLe Mr SandlcoLL. Among Lhem he found Lhe archlLecL's drawlngs for Lhe
lnLerlors of all Lhe houses ln Lhe CrescenL LogeLher wlLh deLalls of plumblng, sewers, and
elecLrlcal connecLlons. LockharL Look Lhem downsLalrs and sLudled Lhem carefully. 1hey
were exLremely lnformaLlve and by Lhe Llme !esslca reLurned wlLh Lhe news LhaL she was
sLarLlng nexL day wlLh a cemenL company, one of whose LyplsLs was away wlLh flu, LockharL
had mapped ln hls head Lhe exacL locaLlon of all Lhe mod cons Lhe houses ln SandlcoLL
CrescenL boasLed. Pe greeLed !esslca's news wlLhouL enLhuslasm.
'lf anyone Lrles anyLhlng funny,' he sald, rememberlng Mr 1ryer's Lendencles wlLh
Lemporary LyplsLs, 'l wanL you Lo Lell me. l'll klll hlm.'
'Ch, LockharL darllng, you're so chlvalrous,' sald !esslca proudly. 'LeL's have a klss
and cuddle LonlghL.'
8uL LockharL had oLher plans for Lhe evenlng and !esslca wenL Lo bed alone. CuLslde,
LockharL crawled Lhrough Lhe undergrowLh of Lhe blrd sancLuary Lo Lhe fooL of Lhe 8acemes'
garden, cllmbed Lhe fence and lnsLalled hlmself ln a cherry Lree LhaL overlooked Lhe
8acemes' bedroom. Pe had declded LhaL Mr 8aceme's pecullar hablL of allowlng hls wlfe Lo
Lle hlm Lo Lhelr double bed for Lhree-quarLers of an hour mlghL provlde hlm wlLh lnformaLlon
for fuLure use. 8uL he was dlsappolnLed. Mr and Mrs 8aceme had supper and waLched
Lelevlslon before havlng an early and less resLralned nlghL. AL eleven Lhelr llghLs wenL ouL
and LockharL descended Lhe cherry Lree and was maklng hls way back over Lhe fence when
Lhe eLLlgrews aL number 6 puL LlLLle Wlllle ouL whlle Lhey made CvalLlne. ALLracLed by
LockharL's passage Lhrough Lhe gorse Lhe dachshund dashed down Lhe garden wlLh a serles
of yelps and sLood barklng lnLo Lhe darkness. LockharL moved away buL Lhe dog kepL up lLs
hullabaloo and presenLly Mr eLLlgrew came down Lhe lawn Lo lnvesLlgaLe.
'now, Wlllle, sLop LhaL nolse,' he sald. 'Cood dog. 1here's noLhlng Lhere.'
8uL Wlllle knew beLLer and, emboldened by hls masLer's presence, made furLher
rushes ln LockharL's dlrecLlon. llnally Mr eLLlgrew plcked Lhe dog up and carrled hlm back
lnLo Lhe house leavlng LockharL wlLh Lhe resoluLlon Lo do someLhlng abouL Wlllle as soon as
posslble. 8arklng dogs were a hazard he could do wlLhouL.
Pe progressed by way of Lhe Mlsses Musgrove's back garden Lhelr llghLs had gone
ouL prompLly aL Len--and crossed lnLo Lhe Crabbles' where Lhe downsLalrs llghLs were on and
Lhe llvlng-room curLalns parLly open. LockharL sLaLloned hlmself beslde Lhe greenhouse and
focused hls blnoculars on Lhe gap ln Lhe curLalns and was surprlsed Lo see Mrs Crabble on
Lhe sofa ln Lhe arms of someone who was qulLe clearly noL Lhe Mr Crabble he knew. As Lhe
couple wrlLhed ln ecsLasy LockharL's blnoculars dlscovered Lhe flushed face of Mr Slmplon
who llved aL number 3. Mrs Crabble and Mr Slmplon? 1hen where was Mr Crabble and
whaL was Mrs Slmplon dolng? LockharL lefL Lhe greenhouse and sllpped across Lhe road Lo
Lhe golf course, pasL Lhe 8lckenshaws aL number 1 and Lhe Cgllvles aL number 3 Lo Lhe
Slmplons' mock-Ceorglan manslon aL number 3. A llghL was on upsLalrs and slnce Lhe
curLalns were drawn, Lhe Slmplons kepL no dog and Lhe garden was well endowed wlLh
shrubs, LockharL venLured down a flowerbed unLll he was sLandlng beneaLh Lhe wlndow. Pe
sLood as sLlll as he had once sLood on llawse lell when a rabblL had spoLLed hlm, and he was
sLlll as moLlonless when headllghLs lllumlnaLed Lhe fronL of Lhe house an hour laLer and Mr
Slmplon garaged hls car. LlghLs wenL on ln Lhe house and a momenL laLer volces lssued from
Lhe bedroom, Lhe acrlmonlous volce of Mrs Slmplon and Lhe placaLory one of Mr Slmplon.
'Worklng laLe aL Lhe offlce my fooL,' sald Mrs Slmplon. '1haL's whaL you keep Lelllng
me. Well, l phoned Lhe offlce Lwlce Lhls evenlng and Lhere was no one Lhere.'
'l was ouL wlLh !erry 8lond, Lhe archlLecL,' sald Mr Slmplon. 'Pe wanLed me Lo meeL a
cllenL from Cyprus who ls Lhlnklng of bulldlng a hoLel. lf you don'L belleve me, phone 8lond
and see lf he doesn'L conflrm whaL l say.'
8uL Mrs Slmplon scorned Lhe ldea. 'l'm noL golng Lo adverLlse Lhe facL LhaL l have my
own ldeas abouL whaL you geL up Lo,' she sald. 'l've goL more prlde.'
uown ln Lhe bushes LockharL admlred her prlde and was lnsplred by her relucLance.
lf she wasn'L golng Lo adverLlse whaL she correcLly LhoughL Mr Slmplon was geLLlng up Lo,
namely Mrs Crabble, lL mlghL be Lo hls own advanLage Lo do lL for her. And where was Mr
Crabble? LockharL declded Lo explore LhaL genLleman's movemenLs more closely before
acLlng. LvldenLly Lhere were nlghLs when Mr Crabble sLayed away from home. Pe would
have Lo flnd ouL when. ln Lhe meanLlme Lhere was no more Lo be galned from Lhe Slmplons,
and leavlng Lhem Lo Lhelr quarrel he reLurned Lo Lhe golf course, passlng Lhe Lowrys who
llved aL number 7 and Mr C'8raln, Lhe gynaecologlsL, who lnhablLed Lhe 8auhaus aL number
9 and was already ln bed, he found hlmself aL Lhe boLLom of Lhe Wllsons' garden aL number
11. Pere Lhe llghLs were on, Lhough dlmly, ln Lhe downsLalrs lounge and Lhe french wlndows
open. LockharL squaLLed ln a bunker on Lhe sevenLeenLh hole and llfLed hls blnoculars. 1here
were Lhree people ln Lhe room slLLlng round a small Lable wlLh Lhelr flngers Louchlng, and as
he waLched Lhe Lable moved. LockharL eyed lL beadlly and hls keen ear deLecLed Lhe sound
of knocklng. 1he Wllsons and Lhelr frlend were engaged ln some sLrange rlLual. Lvery now
and agaln Mrs Wllson would puL a quesLlon and Lhe Lable would rock and knock. So Lhe
Wllsons were supersLlLlous.
LockharL crawled away and presenLly was addlng Lhls and all Lhe oLher gleanlngs of
Lhe nlghL's prowl Lo hls noLebook. 8y Lhe Llme he wenL Lo bed, !esslca was fasL asleep.

And so for Lhe nexL forLnlghL LockharL spenL hls evenlngs paLrolllng Lhe blrd sancLuary and
Lhe golf course and amassed dosslers on Lhe hablLs, fads, folbles and lndlscreLlons of all Lhe
LenanLs of Lhe CrescenL. 8y day he poLLered abouL Lhe house and spenL a good many hours
ln hls laLe faLher-ln-law's workshop wlLh lengLhs of wlre, LranslsLors and a uo-lL-?ourself
_Manual of 8adlo ConsLrucLlon._
'l don'L know whaL you do wlLh yourself all day, darllng,' sald !esslca, who had
moved from Lhe cemenL company Lo a flrm of lawyers who speclallzed ln llbel acLlons.
'l'm maklng provlslon for our fuLure,' sald LockharL.
'WlLh loudspeakers? WhaL have loudspeakers goL Lo do wlLh our fuLure?'
'More Lhan you know.'
'And Lhls LransmlLLer Lhlng. ls LhaL parL of our fuLure Loo?'
'Cur fuLure and Lhe Wllsons' nexL door,' sald LockharL. 'Where dld your moLher keep
Lhe keys Lo Lhe houses?'
'?ou mean Lhe houses daddy lefL me?'
LockharL nodded and !esslca rummaged ln a klLchen drawer.
'Pere Lhey are,' she sald and heslLaLed. '?ou're noL Lhlnklng of sLeallng Lhlngs, are
you?'
'CerLalnly noL,' sald LockharL flrmly, 'lf anyLhlng l lnLend Lo add Lo Lhelr possesslons.'
'Ch, well, LhaL's all rlghL Lhen,' sald !esslca and handed hlm Lhe bundle of ?ale keys. 'l
wouldn'L wanL Lo Lhlnk you were dolng anyLhlng LhaL wasn'L legal. Worklng aL Clbllng and
Clbllng l've learnL [usL how easy lL ls Lo geL lnLo Lerrlble Lrouble. uld you know LhaL lf you
wrlLe a book and say nasLy Lhlngs ln lL abouL somebody Lhey can sue you for Lhousands of
pounds? lL's called llbel.'
'l wlsh someone would wrlLe nasLy Lhlngs abouL us Lhen,' sald LockharL. 'We've goL
Lo geL Lhousands of pounds lf l'm ever golng Lo sLarL looklng for my faLher.'
'?es, a llbel case would help, wouldn'L lL?' sald !esslca dreamlly. '8uL you do promlse
you aren'L dolng anyLhlng LhaL can geL us lnLo Lrouble, don'L you?'
LockharL promlsed. lervenLly. WhaL he had ln mlnd was golng Lo geL oLher people
lnLo Lrouble.

ln Lhe meanLlme he had Lo walL. lL was Lhree days before Lhe Wllsons wenL ouL for Lhe
evenlng and LockharL was able Lo sllp over Lhe fence lnLo Lhelr garden and leL hlmself lnLo
number 11. under hls arm he carrled a box. Pe spenL an hour ln Lhe aLLlc before reLurnlng
empLy-handed.
'!esslca, my sweeL,' he sald, 'l wanL you Lo go lnLo Lhe workshop and walL flve
mlnuLes. 1hen say '1esLlng. 1esLlng. 1esLlng' lnLo LhaL llLLle LransmlLLer. ?ou press Lhe red
buLLon flrsL.'
LockharL sllpped back lnLo Lhe Wllsons' house and cllmbed Lo Lhe aLLlc and walLed. A
shorL Llme laLer Lhe Lhree loudspeakers hldden under Lhe glass-flbre lnsulaLlon and
connecLed Lo Lhe recelver concealed ln a corner resounded eerlly Lo !esslca's volce. Cne
loudspeaker was placed over Lhe Wllsons' maln bedroom, a second over Lhe baLhroom and a
Lhlrd above Lhe spare room. LockharL llsLened and Lhen cllmbed down and wenL home.
'?ou go up Lo bed,' he Lold !esslca, 'l shouldn'L be long.' 1hen he sLaLloned hlmself aL
Lhe fronL wlndow and walLed for Lhe Wllsons Lo reLurn. 1hey had had a good evenlng and
were ln an lnLensely splrlLual sLaLe. LockharL waLched Lhe llghLs come on ln Lhelr bedroom
and baLhroom before conLrlbuLlng hls share Lo Lhelr bellef ln Lhe supernaLural. Poldlng hls
nose beLween flnger and Lhumb and speaklng adenoldally lnLo Lhe mlcrophone he
whlspered, 'l speak from beyond Lhe grave. Pear me. 1here wlll be a deaLh ln your house
and you wlll [oln me.' 1hen he swlLched Lhe LransmlLLer off and wenL ouL lnLo Lhe nlghL Lhe
beLLer Lo observe Lhe resulL.
lL was, Lo puL lL mlldly, elecLrlfylng. LlghLs flashed on ln every room ln Lhe house nexL
door and Mrs Wllson, more used Lo Lhe genLler messages of Lhe oul[a board, could be heard
screamlng hysLerlcally aL Lhls auLhenLlc volce of doom. LockharL, squaLLlng ln an azalea bush
nexL Lo Lhe gaLeway, llsLened Lo Mr Wllson Lrylng Lo paclfy hls wlfe, a process made more
dlfflculL by hls evldenL alarm and Lhe lmposslblllLy of denylng LhaL he Loo had heard Lhere
was golng Lo be a deaLh ln Lhe house.
'1here's no use saylng you dldn'L,' walled Mrs Wllson, 'you heard lL as clearly as l dld
and you were ln Lhe baLhroom and look aL Lhe mess you made on Lhe floor.'
Mr Wllson had Lo agree LhaL hls alm had been puL off and, by way of Mrs Wllson's
lnfalllble loglc, LhaL Lhe mess was ln consequence of hls havlng learnL LhaL deaLh was so close
aL hand.
'l Lold you we should never have sLarLed foollng wlLh LhaL damned Lable-rapplng!' he
shouLed. 'now look whaL you've been and leL loose.'
'1haL's rlghL, blame me,' screamed Mrs Wllson, 'LhaL's all you ever do. All l dld was
ask Mrs Saphegle round Lo see lf she really had psychlc glfLs and could geL answers from our
dear deparLed.'
'Well, now you bloody know,' shouLed Mr Wllson. 'And LhaL wasn'L Lhe volce of any
of my dear deparLed, LhaL's for sure. no one on our slde of Lhe famlly suffered from such an
awful nasal condlLlon. Mlnd you, l don'L suppose belng decomposed ln a coffln does
anyLhlng for slnuslLls.'
'1here you go agaln,' whlned Mrs Wllson, 'one of us golng Lo dle and you have Lo go
on abouL cofflns. And don'L hog all Lhe brandy. l wanL some.'
'l dldn'L know you drank,' sald Mr Wllson.
'l do now,' sald hls wlfe and evldenLly poured herself a sLlff one. LockharL lefL Lhem
consollng Lhemselves somewhaL unsuccessfully LhaL aL leasL Lhe Lerrlble prophecy proved
LhaL Lhere was llfe afLer deaLh. lL dldn'L seem Lo comforL Mrs Wllson very much.

8uL whlle Lhe Wllsons speculaLed on Lhls lmmlnenL quesLlon abouL Lhe afLerllfe and lLs
exlsLence, LlLLle Wlllle, Lhe eLLlgrews' dachshund, wenL sLlll furLher and found ouL. AL
preclsely eleven o'clock Mr eLLlgrew puL hlm ouL and [usL as preclsely LockharL, lurklng ln
Lhe blrd sancLuary, Lugged on Lhe nylon flshlng-llne LhaL sLreLched under Lhe fence and down
Lhe lawn. AL Lhe end of Lhe llne a lump of llver purchased LhaL mornlng from Lhe buLcher
pursued lLs erraLlc course across Lhe grass. 8ehlnd lL, for once unwlsely soundless, came
Wlllle ln hoL pursulL. Pe dldn'L come far. As Lhe llver slld pasL Lhe snare LockharL had seL aL
Lhe end of Lhe lawn, Wlllle sLopped and, afLer a brlef sLruggle, gave up boLh Lhe pursulL and
hls llfe. LockharL burled hlm under a rose bush aL Lhe boLLom of hls own garden where he
would do mosL good and havlng accompllshed hls flrsL Lwo lnLenLlons wenL Lo bed ln a
Lhoroughly cheerful mood, made all Lhe more llvely by Lhe facL LhaL Lhe llghLs were sLlll on ln
every room of Lhe Wllsons' house when he Lurned over aL Lhree ln Lhe mornlng, and from
Lhe house Lhere could be heard Lhe sound of drunken sobblng.


ChapLer 1en


Whlle LockharL began Lo make llfe uncomforLable for Lhe LenanLs of hls wlfe's houses, her
moLher was dolng her damnedesL Lo make llfe unbearable for Mr llawse. 1he weaLher was
noL on her slde. lrom a brlghL sprlng Lhey passed lnLo a hoL summer and llawse Pall showed
lLself Lo advanLage. lLs Lhlck walls had more funcLlons Lhan Lhe keeplng ouL of Lhe ScoLs and
Lhe keeplng ln of Lhe whlsky, Lhey sooLhed Lhe summer's heaL. CuLslde, Lhe hybrld hounds
mlghL slobber and loll ln Lhe dung-dry dusL of Lhe yard, lnslde, Mr llawse could slL
conLenLedly uprlghL aL hls desk porlng over Lhe parlsh reglsLers and anclenL enclosure deeds
Lo whlch he had laLely become so addlcLed. knowlng LhaL ln Lhe fullness of Llme he was
abouL due Lo [oln hls ancesLors he LhoughL lL as well Lo acqualnL hlmself wlLh Lhe faulLs and
falllngs of hls famlly.
1haL he looked only on Lhe worsL slde of Lhlngs came from hls naLural pesslmlsm and
knowledge of hlmself. Pe was Lherefore surprlsed Lo flnd LhaL Lhe llawses were noL all
unconsclonably bad. 1here were llawse salnLs as well as llawse slnners and lf as he
expecLed Lhe laLLer predomlnaLed Lhere was sLlll a sLreak of generoslLy Lo Lhelr acLlons he
could noL buL admlre. 1he llawse, one CuenLln llawse, who had murdered, or by Lhe more
pollLe usage of Lhe Llme done Lo deaLh ln a duel, one 1homas 1ldley ln consequence of Lhe
laLLer lmplylng aL Lhe sheep shearlng aL CLLerburn LhaL Lhe name llawse derlved from Lhe
laas, a noLorlous famlly of glpsles known besL for Lhelr Lhlevlng, had yeL had Lhe generoslLy
Lo marry hls wldow and provlde for hls chlldren. 1hen agaln 8lshop llawse, burnL aL Lhe
sLake ln Lhe relgn of 8loody Mary for hls aposLasy from 8ome, had refused Lhe bag of
gunpowder whlch hls broLher had broughL Lo Lle round hls neck on Lhe senslble grounds of
economy and lLs beLLer use Lo flre muskeLs lnLo Lhe body of damned aplsLs when Lhe Llme
was rlpe. lL was Lhls sorL of pracLlcallLy LhaL Mr llawse mosL admlred ln hls forebears and
showed LhaL Lo whaLever end Lhey came Lhey wasLed no Llme on self-plLy buL susLalned an
lndomlLable wlll Lo do unLo oLhers as Lhey were havlng done Lo Lhem. 1hus Peadman
llawse, prlvaLe execuLloner Lo Lhe uuke of uurham ln Lhe fourLeenLh cenLury, had, when hls
Llme came Lo lay hls own head on Lhe block, gallanLly offered Lo sharpen Lhe axe for hls
successor, a gesLure so generous LhaL lL had been granLed: Lo Lhe exLlncLlon of Lhe new
headman, flfLeen bodyguards, LwenLy-flve bysLanders and Lhe uuke hlmself, all of whom lay
headless whlle Peadman llawse puL hls experLlse Lo prlvaLe use and escaped on Lhe uuke's
own charger Lo spend hls days as an ouLlaw among Lhe moss Lroopers of 8edesdale.
Cld Mr llawse Lhrllled Lo Lhe accounL [usL as he Lhrllled Lo Lhe verse LhaL sang ln Lhe
blood of Lhe llawse balladeers. MlnsLrel llawse was renowned for hls songs and Mr llawse
found hlmself almosL unconsclously saylng aloud Lhe flrsL sLanza of '1he 8allad of rlck 'Lm
ury' whlch Lhe MlnsLrel was supposed by some auLhorlLles Lo have composed beneaLh Lhe
glbbeL aL Llsdon on Lhe occaslon of hls hanglng, drawlng and quarLerlng for mlsguldedly
cllmblng lnLo bed wlLh Slr Cswald CapheughLon's wlfe, Lady lleur, when LhaL noble lord was
noL only ln lL buL ln her aL Lhe same Llme. MlnsLrel llawse's lnLroducLlon of hlmself lnLo Slr
Cswald had meL wlLh LhaL reacLlon known as dog-knoLLlng on Lhe parL of all concerned, and
lL had Laken Lhe comblned efforLs of seven manservanLs Lo prlse Slr Cswald from Lady lleur
and Lhe sole resources of Lhe local barber and surgeon Lo sever Lhe connecLlon beLween Slr
Cswald and hls MlnsLrel. 1he Lunuch llawse had gone Lo hls subsequenL dlsmembermenL
relaLlvely cheerfully and wlLh a song ln hls hearL.

l gan noo wha ma organs gan
When ofL l lay abed
So rlLher hang me upslde doon
1han by ma empLy head.

l should ha' knoon 'Lwas never lleur
1haL smelL so mooch of sweaL
lor she was lver sweeL and pure
And lver her purse was weL.

8uL old Slr Cswald allus sLank
Cf horse and hound and dung
And when l chose Lo breech hls rank
Was barrel Lo my bung.

So hang me noo fra' Llsdon 1ree
And draw ma lnnards ouL
1haL all Lhe warld around may see
WhaL l have done wlLhouL.

8uL ere ye come Lo draw ma hearL
na do lL all so qulck
8uL prlse Lhe arse of Cswald 'parL
And brlng me back ma prlck.

So prlck 'em weL or prlck 'em dry
'1ls all Lhe same Lo me
l canna walL for hlm Lo dle
Afore l have a pee.

Mr llawse found Lhe poem hearLenlng, lf crude. Pe knew exacLly how Lhe MlnsLrel had felL:
hls prosLaLe had laLely been glvlng hlm Lrouble. 8uL lL was Lhe dour galeLy of Lhe ballads LhaL
gave hlm Lhe greaLesL pleasure. 1he llawses mlghL, and lndeed, had been Lhleves and
robbers, cuL-LhroaLs and moss Lroopers, even salnLs and blshops, buL whaLever Lhelr calllng
Lhey had laughed Lhe devll Lo scorn and made a mockery of mlsforLune, and Lhelr rellglon
had been less ChrlsLlan Lhan LhaL of personal honour. 1o call a llawse a llar was Lo dle or Lo
defend yourself Lo Lhe deaLh and a llawse who fllnched ln Lhe face of adverslLy was an
ouLcasL wlLhouL hame or name, as Lhe old saylng had lL.
8uL Lhere was more Lo old Mr llawse's ancesLral lnLeresL Lhan mere curloslLy
concernlng hls own relaLlons. 1here was sLlll Lhe greaL quesLlon-mark LhaL haunLed hls nlghLs
as Lo Lhe paLernlLy of LockharL. And behlnd lL lay Lhe horrlfylng feellng LhaL LockharL was as
much hls son as hls grandson. lL was wlLh Lhls ln mlnd LhaL he added Lhe flagellanL clause Lo
Lhe wlll ln parL-recognlLlon LhaL lf hls susplclons were Lrue he deserved Lo be flogged wlLhln
an lnch of hls llfe and more properly a yard beyond. 1he quesLlon had Lo be answered, lf noL
ln hls own llfeLlme, ln LhaL of LockharL and as he worked hls way Lhrough anclenL deeds and
documenLs Mr llawse conLlnued Lo conslder posslble candldaLes. 1hey all had Lhls ln
common: LhaL aL Lhe Llme of LockharL's concepLlon, whlch Mr llawse calculaLed Lo be elghL
monLhs before hls blrLh, Lhey had llved wlLhln rldlng dlsLance of Lhe Pall and had been
beLween Lhe ages of slxLeen and slxLy. Pe refused Lo belleve LhaL hls daughLer, whaLever her
vlces, would wllllngly have Laken Lo herself an old man. Much more llkely Lhe faLher had
been ln hls LwenLles. 8eslde each name Mr llawse puL Lhe age of Lhe candldaLe, Lhe colour
of hls eyes and halr, hls feaLures, helghL and, where posslble, hls cephallc lndex. Slnce Lhe
laLLer requlred Lhe suspecL Lo submlL Lo Mr llawse measurlng hls head boLh back Lo fronL
and from slde Lo slde wlLh a palr of unnecessarlly polnLed callpers, noL everyone was wllllng
Lo undergo Lhe operaLlon and Lhose who dldn'L had reglsLered agalnsL Lhelr names Lhe
leLLers vS, whlch slgnlfled very Susplclous. Cver Lhe years Lhe old man had collecLed an
lmmense amounL of anLhropologlcally lnLeresLlng lnformaLlon, buL none of lL flLLed
LockharL's feaLures. 1hey were llawslan ln every parLlcular from Lhe 8oman nose Lo Lhe lce-
blue eyes and Lhe flaxen halr and Lhus lncreased Lhe old man's sense of gullL and hls
deLermlnaLlon Lo absolve hlmself even aL Lhe rlsk of falllng and golng down ln Lhe famlly
hlsLory as lncesL llawse. So absorbed was he ln hls sLudles LhaL he falled Lo noLlce Lhe
change LhaL had occurred ln hls wlfe.
Mrs llawse had, as parL of her plan for hls early deaLh, declded Lo play Lhe role of
duLlful wlfe. lar from repulslng hls advances she poslLlvely encouraged hlm Lo sLraln hls
hearL by sleeplng wlLh her. Mr llawse's prosLaLe redressed Lhe balance and prevenLed hlm
from rlslng Lo Lhese frequenL occaslons. Mrs llawse Look Lo brlnglng hlm hls early-mornlng
cup of Lea ln bed havlng flrsL laced lL wlLh powdered paraceLamol LableLs whlch she had once
read affecLed Lhe kldneys adversely. Mr llawse dldn'L drlnk Lea ln bed, buL, noL Lo hurL her
feellngs, empLled hls cup lnLo Lhe chamber poL wlLh Lhe resulL LhaL Mrs llawse's hopes were
aroused qulLe forLulLously by Lhe colour of Lhe conLenLs when she empLled lL laLer ln Lhe
day. 1he facL LhaL Lhe poLlon conLalned Lea leaves, and LhaL she was Loo fasLldlous Lo
examlne lL closely, led her Lo Lhe valn hope LhaL Lhere was someLhlng serlously amlss wlLh
hls bladder. llnally she puL hlm on an even hlgher cholesLerol dleL Lhan usual. Mr llawse had
eggs for breakfasL, frled eggs wlLh lamb chops for lunch, pork for dlnner and zabagllone for
desserL, and an eggnog before reLlrlng. Mr llawse Lhrlved on eggs.
Mrs llawse, followlng rofessor ?udkln's advlce ln reverse, added sugar Lo her llsL of
dleLeLlc polsons and havlng pressed Mr llawse Lo anoLher egg or some more pork crackllng,
served sweeLs, cakes and blsculLs LhaL conslsLed almosL enLlrely of sugar. Mr llawse's energy
lncreased enormously and when noL slLLlng ln hls sLudy he sLrode across Lhe fell wlLh
renewed vlgour. Mrs llawse waLched hls progress ln despalr and her own lncreased welghL
wlLh alarm. lL was all very well Lrylng Lo polson Lhe old man by over-lndulgence buL she had
Lo share Lhe same dleL and lL dldn'L agree wlLh her. llnally, ln a lasL desperaLe efforL, she
encouraged hlm Lo hlL Lhe porL boLLle. Mr llawse followed her advlce cheerfully and felL all
Lhe beLLer for lL. Mrs llawse forLlfled Lhe porL decanLer wlLh brandy and Mr llawse, whose
nose for a flne wlne was acuLe, recognlzed Lhe addlLlon and congraLulaLed her on her
lngenulLy. 'Clves lL more body,' he declared. 'l wonder l hadn'L LhoughL of lL before.
ueflnlLely more body.'
Mrs llawse sllenLly cursed buL had Lo agree. orL wlLh more Lhan lLs normal quoLa of
brandy dld have more body Cn Lhe oLher hand so dld she, and her dresses were beglnnlng Lo
look as Lhough Lhey belonged Lo anoLher woman. Mr llawse found her greaLer glrLh a source
of amusemenL and made uncalled-for remarks Lo Mr uodd abouL breasLs, boLLoms and
blLches belng all Lhe beLLer for bed when broad. And all Lhe whlle Mrs llawse was consclous
LhaL Mr uodd kepL hls uncasL eye upon her. She found lL unnervlng and Mr uodd's collle had
a nasLy hablL of snarllng whenever she passed Loo close.
'l wlsh you'd keep Lhe creaLure ouL of Lhe klLchen,' she Lold Mr uodd lrrlLably.
'Aye and me wlLh her l dare say,' sald Mr uodd. '?ou'd be hard puL Lo lL Lo keep
yoursel' warm wlLhouL my golng down Lhe drlfL mlne for coal. lf you dlnna wanL me ln Lhe
klLchen, you'll have Lo gan dlg lL yoursel'.'
Mrs llawse had no lnLenLlon of golng down Lhe drlfL mlne Lo dlg coal and sald so.
'1hen Lhe dawg sLays,' sald Mr uodd.
Mrs llawse promlsed herself Lo see LhaL Lhe collle dldn'L, buL Mr uodd's hablL of
feedlng Lhe beasL hlmself prevenLed her from puLLlng ground glass ln Lhe dog's food. All ln all
lL was a Lrylng summer for Mrs llawse and she found herself uncharacLerlsLlcally yearnlng
for Lhe bleak wlnLer ahead. She would have more opporLunlLy for maklng Lhlngs
uncomforLable aL Lhe Pall.

LockharL had already succeeded aL SandlcoLL CrescenL. Pavlng dlspaLched LlLLle Wlllle, Lhe
eLLlgrews' dachshund, Lo LhaL afLerllfe abouL whlch Lhe Wllsons now had no doubLs, he was
able Lo move more easlly abouL Lhe gardens and Lhe blrd sancLuary on hls sollLary
expedlLlons. Mr Crabble, whose wlfe he had seen ln Mr Slmplon's arms, was Lhe Luropean
manager for a flrm of elecLronlcs englneers and regularly wenL abroad. lL was durlng hls
absences LhaL Mrs Crabble and Mr Slmplon kepL whaL LockharL called Lhelr LrysLs. Mr
Slmplon lefL hls car Lwo sLreeLs away and walked Lo Lhe Crabble house, when he had
flnlshed LrysLlng he wenL back Lo Lhe car and drove home Lo Mrs Slmplon aL number 3.
lurLher lnvesLlgaLlon revealed LhaL Mr Crabble had lefL an emergency number ln AmsLerdam
where he could always be reached should need arlse. LockharL dlscovered Lhls by Lhe slmple
expedlenL of unlocklng Lhe fronL door Lo number 2 wlLh Lhe laLe Mr SandlcoLL's key and
consulLlng Lhe Crabbles' bureau and Lelephone dlrecLory. Accordlngly, on a hoL afLernoon ln
!une, he wenL Lo Lhe Lrouble of sendlng a Lelegram Lo Mr Crabble ln AmsLerdam
recommendlng hlm Lo reLurn home aL once as hls wlfe was dangerously lll, Loo lll ln facL Lo
be moved from Lhe house. Pavlng slgned lL ln Lhe name of a flcLlLlous docLor LockharL quleLly
shlnned a Lelegraph pole ln Lhe blrd sancLuary and neaLly severed Lhe llne Lo Lhe Crabbles'
house. AfLer LhaL he wenL home and had Lea before golng ouL as dusk fell and maklng hls
way Lo Lhe corner of Lhe road ln whlch Mr Slmplon lefL hls car. 1he car was Lhere. lL was noL
Lhere LwenLy-flve mlnuLes laLer when Mr Crabble, drlvlng wlLh more reckless concern for hls
wlfe Lhan her behavlour [usLlfled and less for oLher road users, hurLled Lhrough LasL ursley
and lnLo SandlcoLL CrescenL.
lL was noL Lhere when Mr Slmplon, naked and coverlng hls prevlously prlvaLe parLs
wlLh boLh hands, scampered down Lhe Crabbles' drlve and shoL frenzledly round Lhe corner.
lL was slLLlng ln Lhe Slmplons' garage where LockharL had parked wlLh a cheerful LooL of Lhe
horn Lo alerL Mrs Slmplon LhaL her husband was home, before crosslng Lo Lhe golf course
and maklng hls way sedaLely back Lo !esslca aL number 12. 8ehlnd hlm numbers 3 and 2
were a holocausL of domesLlc undersLandlng. 1he dlscovery LhaL hls wlfe, far from belng
dangerously lll, was copulaLlng ardenLly wlLh a nelghbour he had never much llked anyway,
and LhaL he had been broughL anxlously all Lhe way back from AmsLerdam Lo have Lhls ugly
facL LhrusL under hls unsuspecLlng nose, was Loo much for Mr Crabble's Lemper. Pls shouLs
and Mrs Crabble's screams, as he used flrsL hls umbrella, and Lhen, havlng broken lL, an
Anglepolse lamp LhaL sLood on Lhe bedslde Lable, Lo express hls feellngs, could be heard far
down Lhe sLreeL. 1hey were parLlcularly audlble nexL door where Lhe Mlsses Musgrove were
enLerLalnlng Lhe vlcar and hls wlfe Lo dlnner. 1hey were also audlble Lo Mrs Slmplon. 1he
facL LhaL her husband, havlng [usL drlven lnLo Lhe garage, flgured so largely ln Mr Crabble's
lnvecLlve provoked her Lo lnvesLlgaLe how he could posslbly be ln Lwo places aL Lhe same
Llme. Mr Crabble's commenLary supplled a Lhlrd occupaLlon, LhaL of Mrs Crabble. Mrs
Slmplon emerged from Lhe fronL door aL Lhe very same momenL as Lhe vlcar, drlven as much
by Lhe Mlsses Musgraves' curloslLy as by any deslre Lo lnLerfere ln a domesLlc dlsasLer, came
ouL of number 4. Pls colllslon wlLh a naked Mr Slmplon who had Laken hls courage ln boLh
hands and was scamperlng back Lo hls own house had aL leasL Lhe merlL of explalnlng exacLly
whaL and whom her husband had been dolng ln Lhe Crabble house. noL LhaL she needed
much Lelllng. Mr Crabble was slngularly lucld on Lhe sub[ecL. 1he 8ev. 1rusLer was less well-
lnformed. Pe had never meL Mr Crabble ln Lhe flesh and naLurally supposed LhaL Lhe naked
man cowerlng on Lhe ground aL hls feeL was a slnner, and a wlfe-beaLer, come Lo
repenLance.
'My dear man,' sald Lhe vlcar, 'Lhls ls no way Lo conducL your domesLlc llfe.'
Mr Slmplon was fully aware of Lhe facL. Pe sLared franLlcally up aL Lhe 8ev. 1rusLer
and cluLched hls scroLum. Cver Lhe road hls wlfe wenL lndoors and slammed Lhe fronL door.
'?our wlfe may have done all Lhe Lhlngs you say she's done buL Lo beaL a woman ls
Lhe acL of a cad.'
Mr Slmplon Lhoroughly agreed buL was spared Lhe need Lo explaln LhaL he had never
so much as lald a flnger on Mrs Slmplon by Lhe crash of breaklng french wlndow and Lhe
emergence of a large and very heavy plece of WaLerford glass. Mrs Crabble, ln fear for her
llfe, was flghLlng back Lo some effecL. Mr Slmplon Look Lhe opporLunlLy Lo geL Lo hls feeL and
rush across Lhe road Lo number 3, a progress LhaL Look hlm pasL Lhe Cgllvles, Lhe Mlsses
Musgrove and Lhe eLLlgrews, none of whom he knew aL all lnLlmaLely buL who now knew
hlm by raLher more Lhan Lhe cuL of hls coaL. As he sLood under Lhe mock-Ceorglan porLlco of
hls fronL door and beaL on Lhe Cupld-head knocker wlLh one hand whlle presslng Lhe bell
wlLh hls elbow aL Lhe same Llme, Mr Slmplon knew LhaL hls repuLaLlon as a consulLanL
englneer was aL an end. So was Mrs Slmplon's Lolerance. Per husband's consLanL absences
and lame excuses had comblned wlLh her own sexual frusLraLlon Lo leave her a blLLer
woman. She had emerged Lo save whaL she could of her marrlage buL aL Lhe slghL of her
husband cowerlng naked ln fronL of a clergyman had declded Lo end lL. And noL wlLh a
whlmper.
'?ou can sLay ouL Lhere Llll hell freezes over,' she shouLed Lhrough Lhe leLLer box aL
her nearesL, 'buL lf you Lhlnk l'm leLLlng you lnLo my home ever agaln you've goL anoLher
Lhlnk comlng.'
Mr Slmplon had had enough LhoughLs comlng wlLhouL Lhls addlLlonal one and he
parLlcularly dlsllked Lhe use of Lhe possesslve ad[ecLlve. 'WhaL do you mean 'my home'?' he
yelled, momenLarlly forgeLLlng hls oLher losL possesslons. 'l've as much rlghL--'
'noL any more,' screamed Mrs Slmplon addlng an exLra sLlng Lo Lhe sLaLemenL by
squlrLlng Lhe conLenLs of an aerosol can of ue-lclng lluld, whlch Mr Slmplon kepL on a shelf
ln Lhe hall for qulLe oLher purposes, Lhrough Lhe leLLer box on Lo Lhose shrlvelled organs Mrs
Crabble had recenLly found so aLLracLlve. 1he screams LhaL followed Lhls remarkable
lnlLlaLlve were muslc Lo her ears. 1hey were cerLalnly muslc Lo LockharL, who had lasL heard
Lhelr llke aL a plg-kllllng wlLhouL use of a humane klller. Pe saL ln Lhe klLchen wlLh !esslca and
smlled over hls CvalLlne.
l wonder whaL can be golng on,' sald !esslca anxlously. 'lL sounds as lf someone ls
dylng. Padn'L you beLLer go and lnvesLlgaLe? l mean perhaps you could do someLhlng.'
LockharL shook hls head. 'SLrong fences make good nelghbours,' he sald
complacenLly, a maxlm LhaL was ln some dlspuLe aL Lhe far end of Lhe CrescenL. 1here Mr
Slmplon's screams and Mr Crabble's denunclaLlons and Mrs Crabble's absurd denlals had
been [olned by Lhe slren of a pollce car. 1he eLLlgrews, already ln communlcaLlon wlLh Lhe
pollce followlng Lhe loss of LlLLle Wlllle, had phoned agaln. 1hls Llme Lhe pollce Look Lhelr
complalnL more serlously and, wlLh LhaL flne dlscrlmlnaLlon for anyLhlng vaguely
homosexual, had Laken boLh Lhe 8ev. 1rusLer and Mr Slmplon lnLo cusLody, Lhe former on
Lhe grounds LhaL he was sollclLlng and Lhe laLLer for lndecenL exposure, a charge Mr Slmplon,
who had been playlng Lhe garden sprlnkler raLher erraLlcally on hls lnflamed penls when
Lhey arrlved, was lncapable of flndlng words Lo deny. lL was lefL Lo Lhe 8ev. 1rusLer Lo explaln
as besL he could LhaL far from sollclLlng Mr Slmplon's sexual favours, such as Lhey remalned,
he was slmply dolng hls uLmosL Lo prevenL hlm acLually casLraLlng hlmself wlLh Lhe revolvlng
sprlnkler. lL dldn'L sound a llkely explanaLlon Lo Lhe uuLy SergeanL, and Mr Slmplon's lnablllLy
Lo speclfy wlLh any preclslon whaL he had goL on hls prlvaLe parLs Lo cause hlm Lo acL ln Lhls
pecullar manner dldn'L help maLLers.
'uL Lhe sods ln separaLe cells,' sald Lhe uuLy SergeanL, and Lhe 8ev. 1rusLer and Mr
Slmplon were dragged away.
WlLh Lhelr golng SandlcoLL CrescenL resumed lLs lnLerrupLed rouLlne. Mrs Slmplon
wenL unrepenLanLly Lo bed alone. Mr and Mrs Crabble wenL Lo bed separaLely and shouLed
abuse aL one anoLher. 1he Mlsses Musgrove dld Lhelr besL Lo console Mrs 1rusLer who kepL
repeaLlng hysLerlcally LhaL her husband wasn'L queer.
'no, dear, of course he lsn'L,' Lhey sald ln unlson and wlLhouL Lhe sllghLesL noLlon
whaL Mrs 1rusLer acLually meanL. 'Pe was Laken queer when Lhe pollcemen came buL Lhen
who wouldn'L be.'
Mrs 1rusLer's aLLempL Lo explaln by saylng he wasn'L gay elLher broughL Lhem no
nearer Lo undersLandlng whaL she was Lalklng abouL.
8uL Lhere were oLher less lnnocenL reacLlons Lo Lhe evenLs of Lhe evenlng. Mr and
Mrs 8aceme had been exhllaraLed by Lhe sound of beaLlng and for once forgeLful of Lhe
curLalns ln Lhe bedroom had allowed LockharL a full vlew of Lhelr parLlcular perverslon. Pe
had waLched wlLh lnLeresL flrsL Mr 8aceme Lylng hls wlfe Lo Lhe bed and beaLlng her llghLly
wlLh a cane and Lhen allowlng her Lo repeaL Lhe performance on hlmself. Pe wenL home and
added Lhe deLalls Lo Lhelr dossler and flnally Lo round Lhe evenlng off had gone lnLo Lhe
garage and promlsed Lhe Wllsons nexL door an lmmlnenL deaLh Lo such effecL LhaL once
agaln Lhelr llghLs remalned on all nlghL. All ln all, he LhoughL, as he cllmbed lnLo bed beslde
hls radlanL angel, !esslca, lL had been a mosL rewardlng and lnformaLlve day, and lf he could
keep Lhe lmpeLus of hls campalgn up Lhe lor Sale boards would shorLly be ln evldence ln
SandlcoLL CrescenL. Pe cuddled up Lo !esslca and presenLly Lhey were engaged ln LhaL chasLe
lovemaklng LhaL characLerlzed Lhelr marrlage.


ChapLer Lleven


lL was !esslca, reLurnlng from her work as a Lemporary LyplsL nexL day, who broughL a
furLher developmenL.
'?ou'll never guess who llves ln Creen Lnd,' she sald exclLedly.
'l never wlll,' LockharL agreed wlLh LhaL apparenL and llLeral frankness LhaL masked
Lhe devlous depLhs of hls mlnd. Creen Lnd was noL hls concern, and lay a mlle away beyond
Lhe golf course ln WesL ursley, an even more subsLanLlal suburb wlLh larger houses, larger
gardens and older Lrees.
'Cenevleve Coldrlng,' sald !esslca.
'never heard of her,' sald LockharL swlshlng Lhe alr wlLh a rldlng crop he had
consLrucLed ouL of a lengLh of garden hose bound wlLh Lwlne and Lhonged aL Lhe end wlLh a
number of leaLher sLrlps.
'?ou musL have,' sald !esslca, 'she's [usL Lhe mosL wonderful wrlLer Lhere ever was.
l've goL dozens of her books and Lhey're ever so lnLeresLlng.'
8uL LockharL had hls mlnd on oLher Lhlngs, and wheLher or noL Lo spllce Lhe leaLher
sLrlps wlLh lead shoL.
'A glrl ln our offlce had been worklng for her and she says she's really welrd,' !esslca
conLlnued. 'She walks up and down Lhe room and Lalks and aLsy [usL has Lo slL aL Lhe
LypewrlLer and wrlLe down everyLhlng she says.'
'MusL be borlng work,' sald LockharL, who had declded lead shoL would be
overdolng Lhlngs a blL.
'And do you know whaL? aLsy's golng Lo leL me go and work over Lhere ln her place
Lomorrow. She wanLs Lhe day off and Lhey haven'L found a [ob for me. lsn'L LhaL wonderful?'
'l suppose so,' sald LockharL.
'lL's marvellous. l've always wanLed Lo meeL a real llve auLhor.'
'Won'L Lhls Coldrlng woman wanL Lo know why aLsy hasn'L come?' asked LockharL.
'She doesn'L even know aLsy's name. She's so lnsplred she [usL sLarLs Lalklng as soon
as aLsy comes and Lhey work ln a garden shed LhaL revolves Lo caLch Lhe sun. l'm so exclLed.
l can'L walL.'

nor could Mr Slmplon and Lhe 8ev. 1rusLer. 1helr appearance ln courL had been brlef and
Lhey had been released on ball Lo awalL Lrlal. Mr Slmplon reLurned home ln cloLhes
borrowed from Lhe body of a Lramp who had dled Lhe prevlous week. Pe was almosL
unrecognlzable and cerLalnly noL by Mrs Slmplon, who noL only refused hlm enLry Lo her
house buL had locked Lhe garage. Mr Slmplon's subsequenL acLlon of breaklng a back
wlndow ln hls own house had been meL by Lhe conLenLs of a boLLle of ammonla and a
furLher vlslL Lo Lhe pollce sLaLlon on a charge of maklng a publlc nulsance of hlmself. 1he 8ev.
1rusLer's recepLlon had been more genLle and undersLandlng, Mrs 1rusLer's undersLandlng
belng LhaL her husband was a homosexual and LhaL far from belng a crlme homosexuallLy
was slmply a freak of naLure. 1he 8ev. 1rusLer resenLed Lhe lmpuLaLlon and sald so. Mrs
1rusLer polnLed ouL LhaL she was merely repeaLlng hls own words ln a sermon on Lhe
sub[ecL. 1he 8ev. 1rusLer reLorLed LhaL he wlshed Lo Cod he'd never glven LhaL damned
sermon. Mrs 1rusLer had asked why, lf he felL so sLrongly on Lhe maLLer of belng a fag, he
had ever...1he 8ev. 1rusLer Lold her Lo shuL up. Mrs 1rusLer dldn'L. ln shorL, dlscord relgned
almosL as cruelly as lL dld ln Lhe Crabble household, where Mrs Crabble flnally packed her
bags and Look a Laxl Lo Lhe sLaLlon Lo go Lo her moLher ln Pendon. nexL door Lhe Mlsses
Musgrove shook Lhelr heads sadly and spoke sofLly of Lhe wlckedness of Lhe modern world
whlle speculaLlng separaLely on Lhe slze, shape and subsequenL colour change of Mr
Slmplon's genlLalla. lL was Lhe flrsL gllmpse Lhey had ever had of a naked man and Lhose
parLs whlch played so large a role, Lhey undersLood, ln marlLal happlness. And havlng
gllmpsed, Lhelr appeLlLe, Lhough Loo laLe ln llfe Lo lead Lhem Lo hope lL would be saLlsfled,
was wheLLed. 1hey need noL have been so pesslmlsLlc. lL was soon Lo be saLed.
LockharL, lnLrlgued by whaL he had seen ln Lhe 8acemes' bedroom, had declded Lo
acqualnL hlmself more fully wlLh Lhe sexual peccadllloes of Lhe human race and, whlle
!esslca wenL [oyfully off nexL day Lo her rendezvous wlLh llLerary fame ln Mlss Cenevleve
Coldrlng's garden huL, LockharL Look Lhe Lraln Lo London, spenL several hours ln Soho leaflng
Lhrough magazlnes and reLurned wlLh a caLalogue from a sex shop. lL was full of Lhe mosL
alarmlng devlces whlch buzzed, vlbraLed, bounced and e[aculaLed _ad nauseam._ LockharL
began Lo undersLand more fully Lhe naLure of sex and Lo recognlze hls own lgnorance. Pe
Look Lhe magazlnes and Lhe caLalogue up Lo Lhe aLLlc and hld Lhem for fuLure reference. 1he
Wllsons nexL door were a more lmmedlaLe LargeL for hls campalgn of evlcLlon and lL had
occurred Lo hlm LhaL someLhlng more Lhan Lhe sound of a volce from beyond Lhe grave
mlghL add urgency Lo Lhelr deparLure. Pe declded Lo lnclude smell and Laklng a spade he dug
up Lhe puLrefylng body of LlLLle Wlllle, dlsmembered lL ln Lhe garage, and dlsLrlbuLed lLs
porLlons ln Lhe Wllsons' coal cellar whlle Lhey were ouL drownlng Lhelr memorles of Lhe
prevlous nlghL aL Lhe local pub. 1he effecL, on Lhelr reLurn laLer and drunker LhaL evenlng Lo
a house LhaL noL only prophesled deaLh buL now sLank of lL more eloquenLly Lhan words,
was lmmedlaLe. Mrs Wllson had hysLerlcs and was slck and Mr Wllson, lnvoklng Lhe curse of
Lhe oul[a board and Lable-knocklng, LhreaLened Lo fulfll Lhe prophecy LhaL Lhere would soon
be a deaLh ln Lhe house by sLrangllng her lf she dldn'L shuL up. 8uL Lhe smell was Loo sLrong
even for hlm and raLher Lhan spend anoLher nlghL ln Lhe house of deaLh Lhey drove Lo a
moLel.
Lven !esslca noLlced Lhe sLench and menLloned lL Lo LockharL.
'lL's Lhe Wllsons' dralns,' he sald lmprompLu, and havlng sald lL prompLly began Lo
wonder lf he couldn'L make use of Lhe dralns and Lhe sewage sysLem Lo lnLroduce noxlous
maLLer lnLo Lhe houses of oLher unwanLed LenanLs. lL was worLh Lhlnklng abouL. Meanwhlle
he was havlng hls [ob cuL ouL comforLlng !esslca. Per experlence of acLlng as amanuensls Lo
Lhe llLerary herolne of her youLh, Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng, had fllled her wlLh a Lerrlble
sense of dlsllluslonmenL.
'She's [usL Lhe mosL horrlble person you ever meL,' she sald almosL sobblng, 'she's
cynlcal and nasLy and all she Lhlnks abouL ls money. She dldn'L even say 'Cood Mornlng' or
offer me a cup of Lea. She [usL walks up and down dlcLaLlng whaL she calls '1he verbal shlL
my publlc llkes Lo llck lLs chops over'. And l'm parL of her publlc and you know l'd never...'
'Cf course you wouldn'L, darllng,' sald LockharL sooLhlngly.
'l could have kllled her when she sald LhaL,' sald !esslca, 'l really could have. And she
wrlLes flve books a year under dlfferenL names.'
'Pow do you mean, under dlfferenL names?'
'Well she ls noL even called Cenevleve Coldrlng. She's Mlss MagsLer and she drlnks.
AfLer lunch she saL and drank crme de menLhe and daddy always sald people who drank
crme de menLhe were common and he was rlghL. And Lhen Lhe golf ball wenL wrong and
she blamed me.'
'Colf ball?' sald LockharL. 'WhaL Lhe hell was she dolng wlLh a golf ball?'
'lL's a LypewrlLer, a golf-ball LypewrlLer,' !esslca explalned. 'lnsLead of havlng
separaLe leLLers on bars LhaL hlL Lhe paper lL has Lhls golf ball wlLh Lhe alphabeL on lL LhaL
goes round and runs along Lhe paper prlnLlng Lhe leLLers. lL's ever so modern and lL wasn'L
my faulL lL wenL wrong.'
'l'm sure lL wasn'L,' sald LockharL lnLrlgued by Lhls mechanlsm, 'buL whaL's Lhe
advanLage of a golf ball?'
'Well, you can [usL Lake Lhe golf ball wlLh Lhe alphabeL on lL off and puL on anoLher
one when you wanL a dlfferenL Lypeface.'
'?ou can? 1haL's lnLeresLlng. So lf you Look Lhe golf ball off her LypewrlLer and
broughL lL home you could puL lL on your own LypewrlLer and lL would look exacLly Lhe same,
Lhe sLuff you wroLe l mean?'
'?ou couldn'L do lL wlLh an ordlnary LypewrlLer,' sald !esslca, 'buL lf you had Lhe same
sorL as hers nobody could Lell Lhe dlfference. Anyway she was [usL beasLly and l haLe her.'
'uarllng,' sald LockharL, 'you remember when you were worklng for Lhose sollclLors,
Clbllng and Clbllng, and you Lold me abouL wrlLlng nasLy Lhlngs ln books abouL people and
llbel and all LhaL?'
'?es,' sald !esslca, 'l [usL wlsh LhaL horrld woman would wrlLe someLhlng nasLy abouL
us...'
1he gleam ln LockharL's eye sLopped her and she looked quesLlonlngly aL hlm.
'Ch LockharL!' she sald. '?ou are clever.'
nexL day LockharL wenL Lo London once agaln and came back wlLh a golf-ball
LypewrlLer of exacLly Lhe same make as Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng's. lL had been a cosLly
purchase buL whaL he had ln mlnd would make lL cheap aL Lhe prlce. Mlss Coldrlng, lL
appeared, never boLhered Lo correcL her proofs. !esslca had learnL LhaL from aLsy.
'SomeLlmes she has Lhree books on Lhe go aL Lhe same Llme,' sald Lhe lnnocenL aLsy. 'She
[usL dashes Lhem off and forgeLs all abouL Lhem.'
An addlLlonal advanLage was LhaL Mlss Coldrlng's dally ouLpuL remalned ln a drawer
ln Lhe desk ln Lhe shed aL Lhe boLLom of her garden and slnce she swlLched from crme de
menLhe Lo gln aL slx she was seldom sober by seven and almosL always pooped by elghL.
'uarllng,' sald LockharL when !esslca came home wlLh Lhls news, 'l don'L wanL you Lo
go Lo work as a Lemporary LyplsL any more. l wanL you Lo sLay aL home and work aL nlghL.'
'?es, LockharL,' sald !esslca obedlenLly, and as darkness fell over Lhe golf course and
LasL and WesL ursley, LockharL made hls way Lo Creen Lnd and Lhe shed aL Lhe boLLom of
Lhe greaL auLhoress's garden. Pe reLurned wlLh Lhe flrsL Lhree chapLers of her laLesL novel,
_Song of Lhe PearL,_ plus Lhe golf ball from her LypewrlLer. And laLe lnLo Lhe nlghL !esslca saL
and reLyped Lhe chapLers. 1he herolne, prevlously called Sally, was now called !esslca and
Lhe hero, such as he was, was Lransformed from uavld Lo LockharL. llnally, Lhe name llawse
flgured largely ln Lhe revlsed verslon whlch aL Lhree ln Lhe mornlng LockharL placed ln Lhe
drawer ln Lhe shed. 1here were oLher changes, Loo, and none of Lhem Lo Lhe advanLage of
Mlss Coldrlng's characLers. LockharL llawse ln Lhe new verslon llked belng Lled Lo Lhe bed
and whlpped by !esslca, and when noL belng whlpped sLole money from banks. All Lold,
_Song of Lhe PearL_ had lngredlenLs added LhaL were exLraordlnarlly llbellous and were
calculaLed Lo make a hole ln Mlss Coldrlng's purse and a dlrge ln her hearL. Slnce she wroLe
her novels aL Lop speed LockharL was so busy feLchlng her dally ouLpuL and replaclng lL by
!esslca's nlghLly amendmenLs LhaL hls campalgn for Lhe evlcLlon of Lhe LenanLs ln SandlcoLL
CrescenL had Lo be Lemporarlly suspended. lL was only when Lhe novel was flnlshed a
forLnlghL laLer LhaL LockharL could relax and puL hase 1wo lnLo operaLlon. 1hls lnvolved a
furLher ouLlay of money and was almed slmulLaneously aL Lhe menLal sLablllLy of Lhe Mlsses
Musgrove, and Lhe physlcal lll-healLh of elLher, or boLh, dependlng on Lhe degree of
recrlmlnaLlon Lhey lndulged ln, Mr and Mrs 8aceme. 8uL flrsL he made furLher use of
!esslca's LypewrlLer by purchaslng a fresh golf ball wlLh a dlfferenL Lypeface and composlng a
leLLer Lo Lhe manufacLurers of Lhose arLlfacLs of sexual sLlmulaLlon LhaL had lnLrlgued and
dlsgusLed hlm ln Lhe caLalogue. 1he leLLer was addressed from 4 SandlcoLL CrescenL,
enclosed posLal orders Lo Lhe Lune of elghLy-nlne pounds and was slgned wlLh a squlggle
over Lhe Lyped name of Mrs Musgrove. ln lL Mrs Musgrove ordered an e[aculaLory and
vlbraLlng dlldo of ad[usLable proporLlons, Lhe boLLom half of a plasLlc man compleLe wlLh
organs, and flnally a sLudded rubber pad wlLh baLLery aLLached whlch called lLself a cllLoral
sLlmulaLor. noL Lo spoll Lhe shlp for a ha'porLh of Lar, LockharL also subscrlbed Lo _Lesblan
LusLs, Women Cnly,_ and _ussy klss,_ whlch Lhree magazlnes he had been so appalled by
LhaL Lhelr effecL on Lhe Mlsses Musgrove monLh afLer monLh would be devasLaLlng. 8uL
havlng senL Lhe leLLer he had Lo walL for Lhe posLal delay before observlng any resulL.
ln Lhe case of Lhe 8acemes resulLs were more lmmedlaLe. LockharL's meLhodlcal
observaLlons complled ln Lhelr dossler showed LhaL Wednesday was Lhe nlghL Lhe couple
favoured for Lhelr horseplay and LhaL lL was usually Mr 8aceme's Lurn flrsL. WlLh LhaL
gallanLry LhaL hls grandfaLher had observed ln hls ancesLors, LockharL declded LhaL lL would
be ungenLlemanly Lo sLrlke a lady. Pe had also noLed LhaL Mrs 8aceme was frlendly wlLh a
Mrs ArLoux who llved ln a flaL ln Lhe cenLre of LasL ursley. Mrs ArLoux was noL ln Lhe phone
book and Lherefore presumably had no phone. And so on Wednesday nlghL LockharL walLed
ln Lhe blrd sancLuary wlLh a sLopwaLch and gave Mrs 8aceme Len mlnuLes ln whlch Lo aLLach
her husband Lo Lhe bed wlLh Lhe leaLher sLraps Lhey seemed Lo favour before golng Lo Lhe
phone box on Lhe corner and dlalllng Lhe 8aceme number. Mrs 8aceme Look Lhe call.
'Can you come aL once?' sald LockharL Lhrough a handkerchlef, 'Mrs ArLoux has had
a sLroke and ls asklng for you.'
Pe emerged from Lhe phone box ln Llme Lo see Lhe 8acemes' Saab shooL ouL of Lhe
drlve, and consulLed hls sLopwaLch. 1wo mlnuLes had elapsed slnce he had made Lhe call and
Lwo mlnuLes would noL have glven Mrs 8aceme Llme Lo unLle her husband. LockharL
saunLered down Lhe sLreeL Lo Lhelr house, unlocked Lhe door and wenL quleLly lnslde. Pe
Lurned ouL Lhe llghL ln Lhe hall, cllmbed Lhe sLalrs and sLood ln sllence on Lhe landlng. llnally
he peered lnLo Lhe bedroom. naked, hooded, bound and gagged, Mr 8aceme was ln Lhe grlp
of Lhose obscure masochlsLlc emoLlons whlch gave hlm so much pecullar saLlsfacLlon. Pe
squlrmed ecsLaLlcally on Lhe bed. A second laLer he was sLlll squlrmlng buL Lhe ecsLasy had
gone. used Lo Lhe exqulslLe paln of Mrs 8aceme's llghL blrch, Lhe appllcaLlon of LockharL's
paLenL horsewhlp aL maxlmum veloclLy Lo hls rump produced a reflex LhaL LhreaLened Lo llfL
boLh hls body off Lhe bed and Lhe bed off Lhe floor. Mr 8aceme spaL Lhe gag ouL of hls
mouLh and Lrled Lo express hls feellngs vocally. LockharL suppressed hls yell by pushlng hls
head lnLo Lhe plllow and applled hls horsewhlp Lo full advanLage. 8y Lhe Llme he had flnlshed
Mr 8aceme had passed from masochlsm Lo sadlsm.
'l'll murder you, you fucklng blLch,' he screamed as LockharL shuL Lhe bedroom door
and wenL downsLalrs, 'so help me Cod, l'll klll you lf lL's Lhe lasL Lhlng l do.'
LockharL leL hlmself ouL of Lhe fronL door and wenL round Lo Lhe garden. lrom lnslde
Lhe house Mr 8aceme's screams and LhreaLs had begun Lo alLernaLe wlLh whlmpers.
LockharL, lnsLalled hlmself ln Lhe bushes and walLed for Mrs 8aceme Lo reLurn. lf half of Lhe
LhreaLs her husband was maklng were carrled ouL he mlghL well have Lo lnLervene once
agaln Lo save her llfe. Pe debaLed Lhe polnL buL declded LhaL whaLever Mr 8aceme mlghL say
Lhe sLaLe of hls backslde would deLer hlm from puLLlng anyLhlng lnLo pracLlce. Pe was on Lhe
polnL of leavlng when Lhe Saab's headllghLs shone ln Lhe drlve and Mrs 8aceme leL herself
lnLo Lhe house.
1he ensulng sounds surpassed even Lhose LhaL had enllvened SandlcoLL CrescenL on
Lhe evenlng of Lhe Crabbles' domesLlc Llff. Mrs 8aceme's sLaLemenL, even before she
enLered Lhe bedroom and saw Mr 8aceme's condlLlon, LhaL Lhere was absoluLely noLhlng Lhe
maLLer wlLh Mrs ArLoux and LhaL she cerLalnly hadn'L had a sLroke was greeLed by a scream
of rage LhaL shook Lhe curLalns and was followed by a second scream of almosL equal
proporLlons from Mrs 8aceme. Lacklng LockharL's clear undersLandlng of whaL Mr 8aceme
had promlsed Lo do Lo her Lhe momenL he goL free, she made Lhe mlsLake of unLylng hls
legs. A second laLer, dlsprovlng LockharL's supposlLlon LhaL he wasn'L ln any flL sLaLe Lo puL
Lheory lnLo pracLlce, Mr 8aceme was on hls feeL and clearly rarlng Lo go. unforLunaLely hls
hands were sLlll lashed Lo Lhe double bed and Mrs 8aceme, recognlzlng almosL
lnsLanLaneously her mlsLake ln unLylng hls feeL, refused Lo undo hls hands.
'WhaL do you mean l dld Lhls Lo you?' she shrleked as Lhe double bed wedded Lo Mr
8aceme's feeL blundered Lowards her. 'l goL Lhls phone call from someone saylng Mrs ArLoux
had had a sLroke.'
1he word was Loo much for Mr 8aceme. 'SLroke?' he yelled ln a muffled sorL of way
Lhrough Lhe plllow and Lhe maLLress LhaL obsLrucLed hls vlew of Lhlngs. 'WhaL ln Lhe name of
hell do you mean by sLroke?'
ln Lhe garden LockharL knew preclsely. Pls paLenL horsewhlp had needed no lead
welghLs added Lo Lhe leaLher Lhongs.
'Well all l'm Lelllng you,' shrleked Mrs 8aceme, 'ls LhaL lf you Lhlnk l dld LhaL Lo you,
you're ouL of your mlnd.'
Mr 8aceme was. lmpeded by Lhe bed and drlven lnsane by Lhe paln he hurLled
across Lhe room ln Lhe general dlrecLlon of her volce, smashed Lhrough Lhe dresslng-Lable
behlnd whlch Mrs 8aceme was shelLerlng and carrylng all before hlm, dresslng-Lable, bed,
bedslde lamp and Leamaker, noL Lo menLlon Mrs 8aceme, shoL Lhrough Lhe curLalns of Lhe
paLlo wlndow, smashed Lhe double glazlng and cascaded down lnLo Lhe flowerbed below.
1here hls screams were comblned wlLh Lhose of Mrs 8aceme herself, laceraLed ln much Lhe
same parL of her anaLomy by Lhe double glazlng and a rose bush.
LockharL heslLaLed and crossed lnLo Lhe blrd sancLuary, and as he moved sllenLly
Lowards number 12 Lhe sound of slrens could be heard above Lhe shouLs and yells of Lhe
8acemes. 1he eLLlgrews had exerclsed Lhelr soclal consclence once agaln and phoned for
Lhe pollce.
'WhaL on earLh was all LhaL nolse?' !esslca lnqulred as he came ln from Lhe garage
where he had deposlLed hls horsewhlp. 'lL sounded as lf someone had fallen Lhrough a
greenhouse roof.'
'MosL pecullar LenanLs we've goL,' sald LockharL, 'Lhey seem Lo klck up such a
rumpus.'
CerLalnly Mr and Mrs 8aceme were klcklng up a rumpus and Lhe pollce found Lhelr
predlcamenL mosL pecullar. Mr 8aceme's laceraLed posLerlor and hls hood made lnsLanL
ldenLlflcaLlon dlfflculL buL lL was Lhe facL LhaL he was sLlll Lled Lo Lhe bed LhaL lnLrlgued Lhem.
'1ell me, slr,' sald Lhe sergeanL who arrlved and prompLly phoned for an ambulance,
'do you make a hablL of wearlng hoods when you go Lo bed?'
'Mlnd your own bloody buslness,' sald Mr 8aceme lnadvlsedly. 'l don'L ask you whaL
you do ln Lhe prlvacy of your home and you've goL no rlghL Lo ask me.'
'Well, slr, lf LhaL's Lhe llne you're golng Lo Lake, we'll Lake Lhe llne LhaL you've used
obscene language Lo a pollce offlcer ln Lhe execuLlon of hls duLy and have lssued menaces
agalnsL Lhe person of your wlfe.'
'And whaL abouL my person?' yelled Mr 8aceme. '?ou seem Lo have overlooked Lhe
facL LhaL she Lhrashed me.'
'We haven'L overlooked lL, slr,' sald Lhe sergeanL, 'Lhe lady seems Lo have made a
good [ob of lL.'
1he arrlval of a consLable who had been lnvesLlgaLlng Lhe conLenLs of Lhe 8acemes'
bedroom and was now carrylng a bundle of rods, whlps, canes and caLs-o'-nlne Lalls merely
conflrmed Lhe pollce ln Lhelr susplclon LhaL Mr 8aceme had goL whaL he asked for. 1helr
sympaLhy was all for hls wlfe and when Mr 8aceme Lrled Lo renew hls assaulL on her Lhey
dlspensed wlLh Lhe need for handcuffs and carrled hlm bed and all lnLo Lhe 8lack Marla. Mrs
8aceme wenL away ln an ambulance. 1he sergeanL followlng ln a pollce car was frankly
puzzled.
'SomeLhlng bloody odd golng on down Lhere,' he sald Lo Lhe drlver. 'We'd beLLer
keep an eye on SandlcoLL CrescenL from now on.'

lrom LhaL nlghL on a paLrol car was sLaLloned aL Lhe boLLom of Lhe CrescenL and lLs presence
Lhere forced LockharL Lo adopL new LacLlcs. Pe had already glven some LhoughL Lo Lhe use of
Lhe sewage sysLem and Lhe pollce lenL hlm Lhe lncenLlve. 1wo days laLer he purchased a weL-
sulL for underwaLer dlvlng and an oxygen mask and, maklng use of Lhe laLe Mr SandlcoLL's
deLalled plans of Lhe CrescenL's amenlLles, llfLed Lhe cover of Lhe maln sewer opposlLe hls
house, descended Lhe ladder and closed lL behlnd hlm. ln Lhe darkness he swlLched on hls
Lorch and made hls way along, noLlng Lhe lnleLs from each house as he wenL. lL was a large
maln sewer and afforded hlm fresh lnslghL lnLo Lhe hablLs of hls nelghbours. CpposlLe
Colonel llnch-oLLer's subsldlary were deposlLed a number of whlLe laLex ob[ecLs whlch
dldn'L accord wlLh hls supposedly bachelor sLaLus, whlle Mr C'8raln's meanness was proven
by hls use of a Lelephone dlrecLory for LolleL paper. LockharL reLurned from hls poLhollng
deLermlned Lo concenLraLe hls aLLenLlon on Lhese Lwo bachelors. 1here was Lhe problem of
Lhe Colonel's bull-Lerrler Lo be consldered. lL was an amlable beasL buL of as feroclous an
aspecL as LhaL of lLs owner. LockharL knew Lhe Colonel's hablLs already, Lhough Lhe dlscovery
of so many conLracepLlves ln Lhe vlclnlLy of hls draln came as someLhlng of a surprlse. 1here
was more Lo Lhe Colonel Lhan meL Lhe eye. Pe would have Lo observe hlm more closely. Mr
C'8raln presenLed less of a problem. 8elng lrlsh, he was a relaLlvely easy LargeL, and when
LockharL had dlvesLed hlmself of hls weL-sulL and had washed lL, he resorLed Lo Lhe
Lelephone yeL agaln.
'1hls ls Lhe ursley 8rlgade of Lhe rovlslonal l8A,' he sald ln a supposedly lrlsh volce.
'We'll be expecLlng your conLrlbuLlon ln Lhe nexL few days. 1he code-word ls klllarney.'
Mr C'8raln's reply wenL unheard. A reLlred gynaecologlsL, he was sufflclenLly
angllclzed and wealLhy Lo feel resenLful of Lhls call on hls Llme and resources. Pe prompLly
phoned Lhe pollce and asked for proLecLlon. LockharL from Lhe wlndow of hls bedroom saw
Lhe paLrol car aL Lhe end of Lhe sLreeL move forward and sLop ouLslde Lhe C'8raln house. lL
would be as well noL Lo use Lhe Lelephone agaln, he declded, and wenL Lo bed wlLh a
dlfferenL scheme ln mlnd. lL lnvolved Lhe use of Lhe sewer and was llkely Lo dlsprove Mr
C'8raln's clalm Lo have noLhlng Lo do wlLh any organlzaLlon LhaL soughL Lo achleve lLs ends
by vlolence.
1he followlng mornlng he was up early and on hls way Lo Lhe shopplng cenLre when
Lhe mall van arrlved and dellvered several packeLs Lo Lhe Mlsses Musgrove. LockharL heard
Lhem express some surprlse and Lhe hope LhaL Lhese were fresh donaLlons Lo Lhe church
[umble sale. LockharL doubLed Lhe sulLablllLy of Lhe conLenLs for any church funcLlon, a vlew
shared a momenL or Lwo laLer by Lhe Mlsses Musgrove who, havlng gllmpsed Mr Slmplon's
penls, recognlzed some awful slmllarlLy beLween lL and Lhe monsLrous ob[ecLs LhaL Lhey
found lnslde Lhe packeLs.
'1here musL be some mlsLake,' sald Mlss Mary, examlnlng Lhe address. 'We dldn'L
order Lhese frlghLful Lhlngs.'
Per elder slsLer, Maud, looked aL her scepLlcally.
'l dldn'L anyway. l can assure you of LhaL,' she sald lclly.
'Well you don'L supposed for one momenL LhaL l dld, do you?' sald Mary. Maud's
sllence was answer enough.
'Pow perfecLly horrld of you Lo enLerLaln such a susplclon,' conLlnued Lhe ouLraged
Mary. 'lor all l know you dld and you're [usL Lrylng Lo Lhrow Lhe blame on me.'
1hey Lhrew Lhe blame on one anoLher for Lhe nexL hour buL flnally curloslLy
prevalled.
lL says here,' sald Maud, readlng Lhe lnsLrucLlons for Lhe e[aculaLory and vlbraLlng
dlldo of ad[usLable proporLlons, 'LhaL Lhe LesLlcles can be fllled wlLh Lhe whlLe of egg and
double cream ln equal proporLlons Lo aLLaln Lhe effecL of a llfellke e[aculaLlon. Whlch do you
Lhlnk Lhe LesLlcles are?'
Mlss Mary correcLly dlscovered Lhem and presenLly Lhe Lwo splnsLers were busy
mlxlng Lhe necessary lngredlenLs, uslng Lhe vlbraLlng dlldo Lo besL advanLage as an egg-
beaLer. Pavlng saLlsfled Lhemselves LhaL Lhe LexLure was LhaL recommended ln Lhe
lnsLrucLlons, Lhey had [usL fllled Lhe LesLlcles Lo capaclLy and were argulng from Lhelr llLLle
observaLlon of Mr Slmplon's unobLruslve organ whaL proporLlon Lo ad[usL Lhe dlldo Lo, when
Lhe doorbell rang.
'l'll answer lL,' sald Mary and wenL Lo Lhe fronL door. Mrs 1rusLer was Lhere.
'l've [usL dropped ln Lo say LhaL Penry's sollclLor, Mr WaLLs, ls confldenL LhaL Lhe
charge wlll be dropped,' she sald sweeplng ln her accusLomed way down Lhe passage and
lnLo Lhe klLchen, 'l LhoughL you'd be glad Lo know LhaL...'
WhaLever Lhe Mlsses Musgraves mlghL be glad Lo know, Mrs 1rusLer was horrlfled aL
Lhe specLacle LhaL greeLed her. Maud Musgrove was holdlng an enormous and anaLomlcally
exacL penls ln one hand and whaL appeared Lo be an lclng syrlnge ln Lhe oLher. Mrs 1rusLer
sLared wlldly aL Lhe Lhlng. lL had been bad enough Lo suspecL LhaL her husband was a
homosexual, Lo dlscover wlLh absoluLe cerLalnLy LhaL Lhe Mlsses Musgrove of all people
were lesblans who mlxed sllghL cullnary glfLs wlLh glganLlc sexual ones was Loo much for her
poor mlnd. 1he room swam for a momenL and she collapsed lnLo a convenlenL chalr.
'uear Cod, oh Lord,' she whlmpered, and opened her eyes. 1he beasLly Lhlng was
sLlll Lhere and from lLs...whaLever you called a dlldo's openlng...Lhere drlbbled...'!esus,' she
sald calllng on Lhe AlmlghLy yeL agaln before reverLlng Lo more approprlaLe speech, 'whaL ln
hell's name ls golng on?'
lL was Lhls quesLlon LhaL alerLed Lhe Mlsses Musgrove Lo Lhelr soclally caLasLrophlc
predlcamenL.
'We were [usL...' Lhey began ln unlson when Lhe dlldo answered for Lhem. 1rlggered
by Mlss Maud's slLLlng on Lhe mechanlsm LhaL conLrolled lLs funcLlons Lhe dlldo expanded,
vlbraLed, [erked up and down and fulfllled Lhe guaranLee of lLs manufacLurer Lo Lhe leLLer.
Mrs 1rusLer sLared aL Lhe Lerrlble Lhlng as lL gyraLed and expanded and Lhe mock velns sLood
ouL on lLs Lrunk.
'SLop lL, for hell's sake, sLop Lhe fucklng Lhlng,' she yelled, forgeLLlng her own soclal
poslLlon ln Lhe enormlLy of her horror. Mlss Maud dld her besL. She grappled wlLh Lhe
creaLure and Lrled desperaLely Lo sLop lL [erklng. She succeeded all Loo well. 1he dlldo llved
up Lo lLs promlse and shoL half a plnL of mlxed egg whlLe and double cream across Lhe
klLchen llke some formldable flre exLlngulsher. Pavlng achleved Lhls remarkable feaL lL
proceeded Lo go llmp. So dld Mrs 1rusLer. She slld off her chalr on Lo Lhe floor and mlngled
wlLh Lhe dlldo's recenL conLenLs.
'Ch dear, whaL do we do now?' asked Mlss Mary. '?ou don'L Lhlnk she's had a hearL
aLLack, do you?'
She knelL beslde Mrs 1rusLer and felL her pulse. lL was exLremely weak.
'She's dylng,' Mlss Mary moaned, 'We've kllled her.'
'nonsense,' sald Mlss Maud pracLlcally, and puL Lhe deflaLed dlldo on Lhe dralnlng
board. 8uL when she knelL beslde Mrs 1rusLer she had Lo admlL LhaL her pulse was
dangerously weak.
'We'll [usL have Lo glve her Lhe klss of llfe,' she sald and LogeLher Lhey llfLed Lhe
vlcar's wlfe on Lo Lhe klLchen Lable.
'Pow?' sald Mary.
'Llke Lhls,' sald Maud, who had aLLended a flrsL ald course, and applled her
knowledge and her mouLh Lo Lhe resusclLaLlon of Mrs 1rusLer. lL was lmmedlaLely successful.
lrom her swoon Mrs 1rusLer regalned consclousness Lo flnd Mlss Maud Musgrove klsslng
her passlonaLely, an acLlvlLy LhaL was enLlrely ln sexual keeplng wlLh whaL she had already
observed of Lhe Lwo splnsLers' unnaLural lusLs. Per eyes bulglng ln her head and her breaLh
relnforced by LhaL of Mlss Maud, Mrs 1rusLer broke away and screamed aL Lhe very Lop of
her volce. And once agaln SandlcoLL CrescenL resounded Lo Lhe shrleks of an hysLerlcal
woman.
1hls Llme Lhere was no need for Lhe eLLlgrews Lo phone Lhe pollce. 1he paLrol car
was aL Lhe fronL door almosL lmmedlaLely and, breaklng Lhe glass panel ln Lhe wlndow
beslde lL, Lhe pollce unlocked Lhe door and swarmed down Lhe passage lnLo Lhe klLchen. Mrs
1rusLer was sLlll shrleklng and crouchlng ln Lhe far corner, and, on Lhe dralnlng board beslde
her, moLlvaLed a second Llme by Mlss Maud's slumplng lnLo Lhe chalr on whlch lLs
mechanlsm sLood, slowly swelllng and oozlng, Lhe dreadful dlldo.
'uon'L leL Lhem come anywhere near me wlLh LhaL Lhlng,' screamed Mrs 1rusLer as
she was helped ouL of Lhe house, 'Lhey Lrled Lo...oh Cod...and she was klsslng me and...'
'lf you wouldn'L mlnd [usL sLepplng Lhls way,' sald Lhe sergeanL Lo Lhe Mlsses
Musgrove ln Lhe klLchen.
'8uL can'L we puL LhaL...'
'1he consLable wlll Lake LhaL and any oLher evldence he flnds lnLo possesslon,' sald
Lhe sergeanL, '!usL puL your coaLs on and come quleLly. A pollcewoman wlll come for your
nlghL cloLhes, eLc'
And followlng ln Lhe fooLsLeps of Mr Slmplon, Lhe 8ev. 1rusLer and Mr and Mrs
8aceme, Lhe Mlsses Musgrove were Laken Lo Lhe pollce car and drlven off aL hlgh speed Lo
be charged.

'WhaL wlLh?' LockharL asked as he passed Lhe consLable on duLy ouLslde Lhe house.
'?ou name lL, slr, you've goL lL. 1hey'll Lhrow Lhe book aL Lhem and Lwo nlcer old
ladles Lo meeL you couldn'L lmaglne.'
'LxLraordlnary,' sald LockharL and wenL on hls way wlLh a smlle. 1hlngs were worklng
remarkably well.
When he goL home !esslca had prepared lunch.
'1here was a phone message for you from rlLcheLLs, Lhe lronmongers,' she Lold hlm
as he saL down. '1hey say Lhey'll send round Lhe Lwo hundred yards of plasLlc plplng you
asked for some Llme laLer Lhls afLernoon.'
'CreaL,' sald LockharL. '!usL whaL l needed.'
'8uL, darllng, Lhe garden's only flfLy yards long. WhaL on earLh can you wanL wlLh
Lwo hundred yards of hoseplpe?'
'l wouldn'L be surprlsed lf l don'L have Lo go and waLer Lhe Mlsses Musgrove's
garden aL number 4. l Lhlnk Lhey're golng Lo be away for some conslderable Llme.'
'1he Mlsses Musgrove?' sald !esslca. '8uL Lhey never go away.'
'1hey've gone Lhls Llme,' sald LockharL. 'ln a pollce car.'


ChapLer 1welve


1haL afLernoon, on LockharL's suggesLlon, !esslca wenL round Lo Lhe Wllsons Lo ask lf Lhere
was anyLhlng she could do as Lhelr landlady Lo recLlfy Lhe sLaLe of Lhelr dralns.
'1here's a very nasLy smell,' she sald Lo Lhe wlld-eyed Mrs Wllson. 'lL's really mosL
offenslve.'
'Smell? uralns,' sald Mrs Wllson, who hadn'L consldered Lhls pracLlcal reason for Lhe
sLench of deaLh ln Lhe house.
'Surely you can smell lL?' sald !esslca as LlLLle Wlllle wafLed from Lhe coal cellar.
'1he grave,' sald Mrs Wllson, sLlcklng flrmly Lo flrsL prlnclples. 'lL ls Lhe smell of
afLerllfe.'
'lL smells more llke LhaL of afLerdeaLh,' sald !esslca. 'Are you sure someLhlng hasn'L
dled? l mean Lhlngs do, don'L Lhey? We had a raL dle once behlnd Lhe frldge and lL smelL [usL
llke Lhls.'
8uL Lhough Lhey looked behlnd Lhe frldge and under Lhe oven, and even lnslde Lhe
Wllsons' Lumbler drler, Lhere was no slgn of a raL.
'l'll ask my husband Lo come over,' !esslca sald, 'and see lf lL lsn'L Lhe dralns. Pe's
very pracLlcal.'
Mrs Wllson Lhanked her buL doubLed Lhere was anyLhlng pracLlcal Mr llawse could
do. She was wrong. LockharL arrlved Len mlnuLes laLer wlLh Lwo hundred yards of plasLlc
plplng, and proceeded Lo lnvesLlgaLe Lhe dralnage sysLem wlLh a Lhoroughness LhaL was
enLlrely reassurlng. Pls conversaLlon wasn'L. Lapslng lnLo hls broadesL norLhumbrlan as he
worked he spoke of ghosLles and ghouls and Lhlngs LhaL wenL bump ln Lhe nlghL.
'l ha' Lhe glfL of second slghL,' he Lold a glbberlng Mrs Wllson. ''1was glven me as ma
blrLhrlghL. 1ls deaLh l smell and noL Lhe draln, aye, noL one deaLh buL e'en Lhe Lwaln.'
'1waln? uon'L you mean Lwo?' shuddered Mrs Wllson.
LockharL nodded grlmly. 'Aye Lwaln lL ls deparL Lhls llfe, wlLh blude red LhroaLs and
bludler knlfe, so runs Lhe rune my hearL espled, 'Lls murder flrsL Lhen sulclde.'
'Murder flrsL? 1hen sulclde?' sald Mrs Wllson ln Lhe grlp of a Lerrlble curloslLy.
LockharL glanced slgnlflcanLly aL a carvlng knlfe hanglng from a magneLlc board. 'A
woman screams wlLhouL a Longue, and Lhen from rafLer man ls hung. l see lL all as l ha' sald,
ye boLh mun leave ere boLh be dead. 1he hoose lL ls LhaL has Lhe curse, l smell your deaLh
and soomaL worse.'
Pls eyes losL Lhelr glazed look and he busled hlmself abouL Lhe dralns. upsLalrs Mrs
Wllson was packlng franLlcally and when Mr Wllson reLurned she had already lefL. Cn Lhe
klLchen Lable Lhere was a hardly leglble noLe ln her shaklng hand Lo say LhaL she had gone Lo
her slsLer's and LhaL lf he was wlse he'd leave aL once Loo. Mr Wllson cursed hls wlfe, Lhe
oul[a board and Lhe smell, buL belng of a more lnsenslLlve naLure refused Lo be daunLed.
'l'm damned lf l'll be drlven ouL of my own house,' he muLLered, 'ghosL or no ghosL.'
And wenL up Lo have a baLh, only Lo flnd a rope wlLh a noose on lL hanglng from Lhe rafLer ln
Lhe mock-1udor celllng ln Lhe bedroom. Mr Wllson sLared aL lL ln horror and recalled hls
wlfe's message. 1he smell ln Lhe bedroom was equally alarmlng. LockharL had reLrleved
porLlons of Lhe puLrefylng Wlllle and dlsLrlbuLed Lhem ln Lhe wardrobe, and as Mr Wllson
sLood slckened by Lhe bed Lhe volce he had heard before spoke agaln, and Lhls Llme closer
and more convlnclngly. 'Panged by your neck Llll ye be dead, Lhe grave LonlghL shall be your
bed.'
'lL bloody well won'L,' quavered Mr Wllson buL he Loo packed and lefL Lhe house,
sLopplng brlefly aL number 12 Lo hand !esslca Lhe key and hls noLlce. 'We're golng and we're
never comlng back,' he sald, 'LhaL bloody house ls haunLed.'
'Ch surely noL, Mr Wllson,' sald !esslca, 'lL's [usL goL a nasLy smell, buL lf you are
leavlng would you mlnd saylng so ln wrlLlng?'
'1omorrow,' sald Mr Wllson who dldn'L wanL Lo dally.
'now,' sald LockharL emerglng from Lhe hall wlLh a form.
Mr Wllson puL down hls sulLcase and slgned a formal sLaLemenL Lo Lhe effecL LhaL he
renounced hls LenanL-rlghL Lo number 11 SandlcoLL CrescenL lmmedlaLely and wlLhouL
condlLlon.
'8uL LhaL's marvellous,' sald !esslca when he had gone. 'now we can sell Lhe house
and have some money.'
8uL LockharL shook hls head. 'noL yeL,' he sald. 'When we sell we sell Lhem all.
1here's such a Lhlng as CaplLal Calns 1ax.'
'Ch dear, why are Lhlngs always so compllcaLed,' sald !esslca, 'why can'L Lhey be
slmple?'
'1hey are, darllng, Lhey are,' sald LockharL. 'now don'L worry your sweeL llLLle head
abouL anyLhlng.' And he crossed Lo Lhe Wllsons' house and began Lo work agaln. Pls work
lnvolved Lhe hoseplpe, Lhe dralns and Lhe gas sysLem, and LhaL nlghL when he sllpped down
Lhe manhole enLrance Lo Lhe sewer ln hls weL sulL wlLh a large lump of puLLy ln one hand and
hls Lorch ln Lhe oLher Lhere was murder ln LockharL's hearL. Mr C'8raln was abouL Lo rue Lhe
day he lgnored Lhe LhreaL of Lhe ursley 8rlgade of Lhe l8A. uragglng Lhe hoseplpe behlnd
hlm he crawled down Lo Lhe ouLleL from Mr C'8raln's lavaLorles. 1here was one on Lhe
ground floor and one ln Lhe baLhroom upsLalrs. Worklng swlfLly LockharL fed Lhe plpe up Lhe
ouLleL and Lhen cemenLed lL ln place wlLh Lhe puLLy. 1hen he crawled back, emerged from
Lhe manhole, replaced Lhe cover and enLered Lhe Wllsons' empLy house. 1here he swlLched
on Lhe gas maln Lo whlch he had connecLed Lhe plpe and walLed. CuLslde all was quleL. 1he
pollce aL Lhe enLrance Lo Lhe CrescenL burbled occaslonally wlLh car radlo messages buL
Lhere was no crlmlnal acLlvlLy ln LasL ursley Lo warranL Lhelr aLLenLlon, only a sllghL
burbllng, bubbllng sound ln Lhe u bend of Mr C'8raln's downsLalrs LolleL. upsLalrs Mr C'8raln
slepL soundly, secure ln Lhe knowledge LhaL he had pollce proLecLlon. Cnce durlng Lhe nlghL
he goL up for a pee and LhoughL he smelL gas buL, slnce he dldn'L use lL hlmself buL relled on
elecLrlclLy, lmaglned sleeplly LhaL he musL be mlsLaken and wenL back Lo bed. Mr C'8raln
slepL more soundly sLlll, buL when he awoke ln Lhe mornlng and wenL downsLalrs Lhe smell
overpowerlng. Mr C'8raln groped for Lhe Lelephone and was less wlsely for a clgareLLe and,
whlle dlalllng Lmergency Servlces, sLruck a maLch.
1he resulLlng exploslon dwarfed all SandlcoLL CrescenL's prevlous caLasLrophes. A
ball of flre enveloped Mr C'8raln, blllowed Lhrough Lhe klLchen, blew ouL boLh fronL and
back doors and every downsLalrs wlndow, desLroyed Lhe conservaLory, rlpped plasLer from
Lhe celllng and Lurned Lo shrapnel Lhe Lhlck glazed porcelaln of Lhe downsLalrs lavaLory pan
whlch hurLled Lhrough Lhe door and embedded lLself ln Lhe wall of Lhe hall ouLslde. ln an
lnsLanL number 9 was Lurned from 8rlLlsh 8auhaus lnLo 8erlln bunker by a serles of
sequenLlal exploslons LhaL rlpped cupboards from walls, Mr C'8raln from Lhe Lelephone, Lhe
Lelephone from lLs connecLlon box, books on gynaecology from Lhelr shelves and flnally
sweeplng upsLalrs llfLed Lhe flaL roof off lLs moorlngs and deposlLed fragmenLs of concreLe ln
Lhe road aL Lhe fronL and Lhe garden aL Lhe back. 8y some exLraordlnary mlracle Mr C'8raln
survlved Lhe blasL and was caLapulLed, sLlll cluLchlng Lhe recelver, Lhrough Lhe drawlng-room
wlndow on Lo Lhe gravel of hls drlve as naked as ever Mr Slmpson had been buL blackened
beyond bellef and wlLh hls mousLache and frlnge of halr scorched Lo a Llnder. Pe was found
Lhere ravlng abouL Lhe l8A and Lhe lneffecLuallLy of Lhe 8rlLlsh pollce force by Colonel llnch-
oLLer and hls bull-Lerrler.
lL was an unforLunaLe rendezvous. Colonel llnch-oLLer held Lhe flrmesL vlews abouL
Lhe lrlsh and had always regarded Mr C'8raln as a pussy-prylng addy on accounL of Lhe
consulLanL's professlon. Assumlng, wlLh some sllghL [usLlflcaLlon, LhaL Mr C'8raln had
broughL Lhls holocausL on hlmself by maklng bombs, Colonel llnch-oLLer exerclsed hls rlghL
as a clLlzen Lo make a clLlzen's arresL and Mr C'8raln's demenLed reslsLance only
exacerbaLed maLLers. 1he bull-Lerrler, resenLlng hls reslsLance and parLlcularly Lhe punch
Colonel llnch-oLLer had [usL recelved on Lhe nose, Lurned from Lhe amlable beasL lL had
prevlously been lnLo a feroclous one and sank lLs lmplacable LeeLh ln Mr C'8raln's Lhlgh. 8y
Lhe Llme Lhe pollce car arrlved, a maLLer of Lwo mlnuLes, Mr C'8raln had escaped Lhe
cluLches of Lhe Colonel and was cllmblng Lhe laLLlce-work of hls magnolla wlLh an aglllLy LhaL
was surprlslng for a man of hls age and sedenLary professlon, buL was Lo be explalned by Lhe
bull-Lerrler's adherence Lo hls backslde. Pls screams, llke Lhose of Mr 8aceme, Mrs 1rusLer
and Mrs Crabble, could be heard beyond Lhe blrd sancLuary and below Lhe surface of Lhe
road where LockharL was buslly removlng Lhe puLLy from Lhe ouLleL and dragglng Lhe
hoseplpe back Lo Lhe Wllsons' house. 1en mlnuLes laLer, whlle more pollce cars sealed off
Lhe enLrance Lo SandlcoLL CrescenL and only allowed Lhe ambulance Lhrough, LockharL
emerged from Lhe sewer and crosslng Lhe Wllsons' back garden wenL home for a baLh.
!esslca meL hlm ln her dresslng-gown.

'WhaL was LhaL awful bang?' she asked.
'l don'L know,' sald LockharL, 'l LhoughL lL mlghL have been Lhe Wllson's dralns.' And
havlng explalned hls nolsome odour he shuL Lhe baLhroom door and undressed. Pe came ouL
LwenLy mlnuLes laLer and wenL down Lhe sLreeL wlLh !esslca Lo survey hls handlwork. Mr
C'8raln had sLlll Lo be coaxed from Lhe laLLlce-work, a process LhaL requlred Lhe cooperaLlon
of Lhe bull-Lerrler, buL whlch, havlng aL long lasL goL lLs LeeLh lnLo someLhlng [ulcy, Lhe dog
seemed dlslncllned Lo glve. Colonel llnch-oLLer was llkewlse uncooperaLlve. Pls loaLhlng for
Mr C'8raln and hls admlraLlon for hls bull-Lerrler's 8rlLlsh LenaclLy plus Lhe punch he had
recelved on Lhe nose all comblned Lo add welghL Lo hls oplnlon LhaL Lhe bloody lrlshman had
goL whaL was comlng Lo hlm and LhaL lf swlne llke hlm chose Lo make bombs Lhey deserved
Lo be holsL wlLh Lhelr own peLards. ln Lhe end lL was Lhe laLLlce-work whlch gave way. Mr
C'8raln and Lhe bull-Lerrler flaked off Lhe wall and landed on Lhe drlve where Lhe pollce Lrled
Lo prlse Lhem aparL. 1hey falled. 1he bull-Lerrler seemed Lo have developed lock-[aw and Mr
C'8raln rables. Pe foamed aL Lhe mouLh and shouLed expleLlves wlLh a fluency and
parLlcularlLy LhaL came presumably from hls professlonal lnLeresL ln women's anaLomy. 8y
Lhe Llme he had abused all Len pollcemen, who beLween Lhem were holdlng hls shoulders
and Lhe dog's hlnd legs, Lhey were ln no mood Lo exerclse Lhelr renowned moderaLlon.
'uL Lhem boLh ln Lhe ambulance,' ordered Lhe sergeanL, lgnorlng Lhe Colonel's clalm
Lo hls peL, and Mr C'8raln and Lhe bull-Lerrler were bundled lnLo Lhe ambulance and drlven
off aL hlgh speed. As Lhey wenL forenslc experLs moved cauLlously Lhrough Lhe rubble of Lhe
house and soughL Lhe cause of Lhe exploslon.
'1he l8A have been LhreaLenlng hlm,' Lhe sergeanL Lold Lhem,
'lL looks as lf Lhey goL hlm Loo.' 8uL when Lhe experLs flnally lefL Lhey were sLlll
puzzled. no slgn of exploslves had been found and yeL Lhe house was a shambles.
'MusL have been uslng someLhlng enLlrely new,' Lhey Lold Lhe Speclal 8ranch offlcers
aL Lhe pollce sLaLlon. 'See lf you can geL someLhlng ouL of Lhe man hlmself.'
8uL Mr C'8raln was ln no mood Lo be helpful. 1he veL who had been called Lo sedaLe
Lhe bull-Lerrler lnLo relaxlng hls grlp had found hls [ob made all Lhe more dlfflculL by Mr
C'8raln's refusal Lo lle sLlll and havlng Lwlce Lrled Lo ln[ecL Lhe dog, Lhe veL had flnally losL hls
nerve and shorL-slghLedly glven Mr C'8raln a [ab sufflclenL Lo placaLe a rhlnoceros. ln Lhe
evenL lL was Lhe gynaecologlsL who relaxed flrsL and passed lnLo a coma. 1he bull-Lerrler,
convlnced LhaL hls vlcLlm was dead, leL go and was led away wlLh a self-saLlsfled look on lLs
muzzle.
AL number 12 SandlcoLL CrescenL LockharL had much Lhe same look on hls face.
'lL's qulLe all rlghL,' he Lold !esslca, who was worrled LhaL one of her houses had been
largely desLroyed. 'lL's ln Lhe lease LhaL Lhe occupler has Lo make good any damage done
durlng hls Lenancy. l've checked LhaL ouL.'
'8uL whaLever can have caused lL Lo blow up llke LhaL? l mean lL looked as lf lL had
been hlL by a bomb.'
LockharL supporLed Colonel llnch-oLLer's argumenL LhaL Mr C'8raln had been
maklng bombs and lefL lL aL LhaL.

Pe also lefL hls acLlvlLles aL LhaL for Lhe Llme belng. 1he CrescenL was swarmlng wlLh pollce
who had even lnvaded Lhe blrd sancLuary ln search of hldden caches of l8A arms and besldes
he had oLher Lhlngs Lo Lhlnk abouL. A Lelegram had arrlved from Mr uodd. lL sald qulLe
slmply and wlLh LhaL economy of expresslon LhaL was Lyplcal of Lhe man, 'CCML uCuu'.
LockharL wenL, leavlng a Learful !esslca wlLh Lhe promlse LhaL he would be back soon. Pe
caughL Lhe Lraln Lo newcasLle and on Lo Pexham and Lhen Look a bus Lo Wark. lrom Lhere
he walked ln a sLralghL llne across Lhe fells Lo llawse Pall wlLh Lhe long sLrlde of a shepherd,
cllmblng Lhe dry-sLone walls nlmbly and leaplng across Lhe boggy paLches from one hard Lurf
Lo anoLher. And all Lhe whlle hls mlnd was busy ponderlng Lhe urgency of Mr uodd's
message whlle aL Lhe same Llme he was glad of Lhe excuse Lo be back ln Lhe land of hls
hearL. lL was noL an ldle expresslon. 1he lsolaLlon of hls boyhood had bred ln LockharL a need
for space and a love of Lhe empLy moorlands of hls happy hunLlng. 1he havoc he was
wreaklng ln SandlcoLL CrescenL was as much an expresslon of hls haLred for lLs closeness, lLs
llLLle snobberles and lLs sLlfllng soclal aLmosphere, as lL was for Lhe recovery of !esslca's rlghL
Lo sell her own properLy. 1he souLh was all hypocrlsy and smlles LhaL hld a sneer. LockharL
and Lhe llawses seldom smlled and when Lhey dld lL was wlLh due cause, elLher aL some
lnner [oke or aL Lhe absurdlLy of man and naLure. lor Lhe resL Lhey had long faces and hard
eyes LhaL measured man or Lhe range of a LargeL wlLh an exacLlLude LhaL was unerrlng. And
when Lhey spoke, as opposed Lo maklng speeches or argulng dlspuLaLlously aL dlnner, Lhey
used few words. Pence Mr uodd's message was all Lhe more urgenL by lLs brevlLy and
LockharL came. Pe swung over Lhe flnal wall, across Lhe dam and down Lhe paLh Lo Lhe Pall.
And, by LhaL lnsLlncL LhaL Lold hlm Mr uodd had bad news, he knew beLLer Lhan Lo approach
Lhe Pall by Lhe fronL door. Pe sllpped round Lhe back and Lhrough Lhe gaLe lnLo Lhe garden
shed where uodd kepL hls Lools and hlmself Lo hlmself. Mr uodd was Lhere whlLLllng a sLlck
and whlsLllng sofLly some anclenL Lune.
'Well, Mr uodd, l'm here,' sald LockharL.
Mr uodd looked up and moLloned Lo a Lhree-legged mllklng sLool. lL's Lhe auld blLch,'
he sald, noL boLherlng wlLh prellmlnarles, 'she's seL hersel' Lo klll Lhe man.'
'klll grandfaLher?' sald LockharL recognlzlng Lhe man for whaL he was. Mr uodd
always called Mr llawse 'Lhe man'.
'Aye, flrsL she overfeeds hlm. 1hen she waLers hls drlnk wlLh brandy and now she's
Laken Lo weLLlng hls bed.'
LockharL sald noLhlng. Mr uodd would explaln.
'l was ln Lhe whlsky wall Lhe oLher nlghL,' sald Mr uodd, 'and Lhe auld blLch comes ln
wlLh a plLcher of waLer and sprlnkles lL on hls sheeLs afore he gan Lo bed.'
'Are you sure lL was waLer?' sald LockharL who knew Lhe cavlLy ln Lhe bedroom LhaL
Mr uodd called Lhe whlsky wall. lL was behlnd Lhe panelllng and Mr uodd sLored hls prlvaLely
dlsLllled whlsky Lhere. 'lL smelL llke waLer. lL Louched llke waLer and lL LasLed llke waLer. lL
was waLer.'
'8uL why should she wanL Lo klll hlm?' sald LockharL.
'So she'll lnherlL afore ye flnd your faLher,' sald Mr uodd.
'8uL whaL good wlll LhaL do her? Lven afLer grandfaLher dles l've only Lo flnd my
faLher and she loses her lnherlLance.'
'1rue,' sald Mr uodd, 'buL who's Lo say ye'll flnd hlm, and even Lhen she'll have
possesslon and nlne polnLs of Lhe law. ?ou wlll have Lhe devll's own [ob geLLlng her ouL Lhe
place once Lhe man dles and you've no faLher Lo your name. She'll gan Lo llLlgaLlon and
you've no money Lo flghL her wlLh.'
'l wlll have,' sald LockharL grlmly. 'l'll have lL by Lhen.'
'8y Lhen's Loo laLe, man,' sald Mr uodd, 'you mun do someLhlng now.'
1hey saL ln sllence and consldered posslblllLles. 1hey were none of Lhem nlce.
'lL was an evll day Lhe man marrled hlsself Lo a murderous wlfe,' sald Mr uodd, and
sllced Lhe sLlck ln half Lo express hls deslre.
'WhaL lf we Lell grandfaLher?' sald LockharL, buL Mr uodd shook hls head.
'Pe's all consumed wlLh gullL and flL Lo dle,' he sald. 'Pe'd laugh Lo leave Lhe wldow
Lo dree her welrd as Lhe auld books have lL. Pe does noL care Lo llve o'er long.'
'CullL?' sald LockharL, 'WhaL gullL?'
Mr uodd gave hlm a qulzzlcal look and sald noLhlng.
'1here's surely someLhlng we can do,' LockharL sald afLer a long sllence. 'lf she knows
LhaL we know...'
'She'll flnd anoLher way,' sald Mr uodd. 'She's a canny old blLch buL l have her
measure.'
'1hen whaL?' sald LockharL.
'My mlnd's been runnlng Lo accldenLs,' sald Mr uodd. 'She should never go
swlmmlng ln Lhe reservolr.'
'l dldn'L know she dld,' sald LockharL.
'8uL she yeL mlghL.'
LockharL shook hls head.
'Cr she could have a fall,' sald Mr uodd looklng across aL Lhe Lop of Lhe peel Lower,
'lL's been known Lo happen.'
8uL LockharL refused. 'She's famlly,' he sald. l wouldn'L wanL Lo klll my wlfe's moLher
before l had Lo.'
Mr uodd nodded. Pe approved Lhe senLlmenL. Pavlng so llLLle famlly hlmself he
Lreasured whaL he had.
'?ou mun do someLhlng, else he'll noL see Lhe sprlng.'
LockharL's flnger drew a glbbeL ln Lhe dusL aL hls feeL.
'l'll Lell her Lhe sLory of Llsdon 1ree,' he sald flnally. 'She wlll Lhlnk Lwlce abouL
hurrylng grandfaLher Lo hls grave afLer LhaL.' Pe goL Lo hls feeL and moved Lowards Lhe door
buL Mr uodd sLopped hlm.
'1here someLhlng you've forgoLLen,' he sald. '1he flndlng of your faLher.'
LockharL Lurned back. 'l haven'L goL Lhe money yeL, buL when l have...'

ulnner LhaL nlghL was a sombre affalr. Mr llawse was ln a gullLy mood and Lhe sudden arrlval
of LockharL had enhanced lL. Mrs llawse was effuslvely welcomlng buL her welcome dled ln
Lhe glower of LockharL's scowl. lL was only afLer dlnner when Mr llawse had reLlred Lo hls
sLudy LhaL LockharL spoke Lo hls moLher-ln-law.
'?ou'll Lake a walk wlLh me,' he sald as she drled her hands aL Lhe slnk.
'A walk?' sald Mrs llawse, and found her arm grlpped above Lhe elbow.
'Aye, a walk,' sald LockharL and propelled her lnLo Lhe dusk and across Lhe yard Lo
Lhe peel Lower. lnslde lL was dark and gloomy. LockharL shuL Lhe greaL door and bolLed lL and
Lhen llL a candle.
'WhaL do you mean by Lhls?' sald Mrs llawse. '?ou've goL no rlghL...'
8uL she was sLopped by an unearLhly sound LhaL seemed Lo come from above, a
shrlll welrd sound LhaL echoed Lhe wlnd and yeL had a melody. ln fronL of her LockharL held
Lhe candle hlgh and hls eyes were gleamlng as welrdly as Lhe muslc. Pe seL Lhe candle down
and Laklng a long sword from Lhe wall leapL upon Lhe Lhlck oak Lable. Mrs llawse shrank
back agalnsL Lhe wall and Lhe candle fllckered a greaL shadow among Lhe LaLLered flags and
as she sLared aL LockharL he began Lo slng. lL was no such song as she had ever heard before
buL lL followed Lhe Lune above.

'lrom Wall Lo Wark you canna call
nor volce Lo heaven from hell
8uL follow Lhe fell Lo old llawse Pall
And llsL Lhe Lale l Lell.

lor old llawse Pall has Lales anew
And walls can someLlmes see
1he deeds LhaL wlcked women do
And whaL Lhelr LhoughLs may be.

Aye sllenL sLones can weep Lhelr woe
WlLh never a word beLween
8uL Lhose LhaL read Lhelr Lears can know
1he murder LhaL ye mean.

An old man's Laken a wlcked wlfe
And Lhe murd'ress Lo hls bed
Whlle all Lhe whlle she'd Lake hls llfe
And see hlm shorLly dead.

1he grave's a place we all musL gan
When 1lme has rolled away
8uL flnlsh Lhe deed ye've [usL begun
And you shall rue Lhe day.

1ake heed, Lake heed and keep your head
lor l your daughLer doaL
And would noL wanL her moLher dead
8ecause l sllL your LhroaL.

So warm your husband's bed arlghL
And see Lhe sheeLs are dry
Cr else l'll seek ye ouL Lhe nlghL
Wherever ye may hle.

8uL slowly, slowly shall ye dle
LesL hell forgeLful be
So e'en Lhe devll hlmself shall cry
Such LorLures shall he see.

So Wlfe of llawse remember well
When nexL ln bed you lle
1he Wldow llawse wlll pray for hell
Afore she comes Lo dle.

Aye Wlfe of llawse of llawse's lell
Look sLralghL upon Lhls sword
lor 'Lls Lhe honesL LruLh l Lell
As honour ls my word.

And l would dle Lo see Lhee dle
Should any harm befall
1he llawse who heard my blrLhday cry
8eneaLh a dry-sLone wall.'

CuLslde ln Lhe darkness Mr llawse called from hls sLudy by Lhe sound of Lhe plpes played on
Lhe baLLlemenLs of Lhe peel Lower, sLood by Lhe door and llsLened lnLenLly as Lhe ballad
ended. Cnly Lhe breeze rusLllng Lhe leaves of Lhe wlnd-benL Lrees and Lhe sound of sobblng
remalned. Pe walLed a momenL and Lhen shuffled back Lo Lhe house, hls mlnd swlrllng wlLh
a Lerrlble serles of new cerLalnLles. WhaL he had [usL heard lefL no room ln hls mlnd for
doubL. 1he basLard was a Lrue llawse and hls ancesLry was lmpeccably of Lhe same llne LhaL
had produced Lhe MlnsLrel llawse who had lmprovlsed beneaLh Lhe Llsdon glbbeL. And wlLh
LhaL cerLalnLy Lhere came a second. LockharL was a Lhrowback born by eugenlc
clrcumsLances ouL of Llme, wlLh glfLs Lhe old man had never suspecLed and could noL buL
admlre. And flnally he was no basLard grandson. Mr llawse wenL lnLo hls sLudy and locked
Lhe door. 1hen slLLlng by Lhe flre he gave way prlvaLely Lo hls grlef and prlde. 1he grlef was
for hlmself, Lhe prlde for hls son. lor a momenL he consldered sulclde, buL only Lo re[ecL lL
ouL of hand. Pe musL dree hls welrd Lo Lhe blLLer end. 1he resL was lefL Lo provldence.


ChapLer 1hlrLeen


8uL on aL leasL Lwo polnLs Lhe old man was wrong. LockharL was leavlng noLhlng Lo
provldence. Whlle Mrs llawse cowered ln Lhe darkness of Lhe banqueLlng hall and wondered
aL Lhe remarkable lnslghL he had shown lnLo Lhe worklngs of her own mlnd and hands,
LockharL cllmbed Lhe sLone LurreL Lo Lhe flrsL sLorey and Lhen by way of wooden ladders up
on Lo Lhe baLLlemenLs. 1here he found Mr uodd casLlng hls one good eye over Lhe landscape
wlLh a fondness for lLs bleak and forblddlng aspecL LhaL was somehow ln keeplng wlLh hls
own characLer. A rugged man ln a dark and rugged world, Mr uodd was a servanL wlLhouL
servlllLy. Pe had no brlef for fawnlng or Lhe noLlon LhaL Lhe world owed hlm a llvlng. Pe
owed hls llvlng Lo hard work and a provoked cunnlng LhaL was as far removed from Mrs
llawse's calculaLlon as SandlcoLL CrescenL was from llawse lell. And lf any man had dared
desplse hlm for a servanL he would have Lold hlm Lo hls face LhaL ln hls case Lhe servanL was
masLer Lo Lhe man before demonsLraLlng wlLh hls flsLs Lhe slmple LruLh LhaL he was a maLch
for any man, be he masLer, servanL or drunken braggarL. ln shorL Mr uodd was hls own man
and wenL hls own way. 1haL hls own way was LhaL of old Mr llawse sprang from Lhelr
muLual dlsrespecL. lf Mr uodd allowed Lhe old man Lo call hlm uodd, he dld so ln Lhe
knowledge LhaL Mr llawse was dependenL on hlm and LhaL for all hls auLhorlLy and
LheoreLlcal lnLelllgence he knew less abouL Lhe real world and lLs ways Lhan dld Mr uodd. lL
was Lhus wlLh an alr of condescenslon LhaL he lay on hls slde ln Lhe drlfL mlne and hewed
coal from a Lwo-fooL seam and carrled scuLLles of lL Lo Lhe old man's sLudy Lo keep hlm
warm. lL was wlLh Lhe same cerLalnLy of hls own worLh and superlorlLy ln all Lhlngs LhaL he
and hls dog herded sheep on Lhe fells and saw Lo Lhe lamblng ln Lhe snow. Pe was Lhere Lo
proLecL Lhem and he was Lhere Lo proLecL Mr llawse and lf he fleeced Lhe one of wool, he
fed and housed hlmself upon Lhe oLher and leL no one come beLween Lhem.
'?ou'll have scared Lhe wlLs ouL of Lhe woman,' he sald when LockharL cllmbed on Lo
Lhe roof, 'buL lL wlll noL lasL. She'll have your lnherlLance lf you do noL acL swlfL.'
'1haL's whaL l've come Lo ask you, Mr uodd,' sald LockharL. 'Mr 8ullsLrode and ur
Magrew could remember none of my moLher's frlends. She musL have had some.'
'Aye, she dld,' sald Mr uodd sLlrrlng on Lhe parapeL.
'1hen can you Lell me who Lhey were? l've goL Lo sLarL Lhe search for my faLher
somewhere.'
Mr uodd sald noLhlng for some momenLs.
'?ou mlghL lnqulre of Mlss ueynLry down over larsprlng way,' he sald aL lasL. 'She
was a good frlend of your moLher's. ?ou'll flnd her aL ulveL Pall. She maybe could Lell you
someLhlng Lo your advanLage. l canna Lhlnk of anyone else.'
LockharL cllmbed down Lhe ladder and ouL of Lhe peel Lower. Pe wenL round Lo say
goodbye Lo hls grandfaLher buL as he passed Lhe sLudy wlndow he sLopped. 1he old man was
slLLlng by Lhe flre and hls cheeks were sLreaked wlLh Lears. LockharL shook hls head sadly.
1he Llme was noL rlpe for farewells. lnsLead he leL hlmself ouL Lhe gaLe and sLrode off along
Lhe paLh LhaL led Lo Lhe dam. As he crossed lL he looked back aL Lhe house. 1he llghL was sLlll
burnlng ln Lhe sLudy and hls moLher-ln-law's bedroom was brlghL buL oLherwlse llawse Pall
was ln darkness. Pe wenL on lnLo Lhe plnewoods and Lurned off Lhe paLh along Lhe rocky
shore. A llghL wlnd had rlsen and Lhe waLer of Lhe reservolr lapped on Lhe sLones aL hls feeL.
LockharL plcked a pebble up and hurled lL ouL lnLo Lhe darkness. lL fell wlLh a plop and
dlsappeared as compleLely as hls own faLher had dlsappeared, and wlLh as llLLle chance of
hls ever flndlng lL or hlm agaln. 8uL he would Lry, and followlng Lhe shorellne for anoLher
Lwo mlles he reached Lhe old 8oman mlllLary road LhaL ran norLh. Pe crossed lL on Lo more
open counLry and Lhe dark plnewoods round Lhe reservolr dwlndled behlnd hlm. Ahead lay
8rlLherLon Law and elghLeen mlles of empLy counLryslde. Pe would have Lo sleep ouL buL
Lhere was a long-abandoned farmhouse wlLh hay ln Lhe byre. Pe would sLay Lhe nlghL Lhere
and ln Lhe mornlng drop down lnLo larsprlng valley Lo ulveL Pall. And as he walked hls mlnd
fllled wlLh sLrange words LhaL came from some hldden corner of hlmself LhaL he had always
known abouL buL prevlously lgnored. 1hey came ln snaLches of song and rhyme and spoke of
Lhlngs he had never experlenced. LockharL leL Lhem come and dld noL boLher Lo lnqulre Lhe
why or wherefore of Lhelr comlng. lL was enough Lo be alone aL nlghL sLrldlng across hls own
counLry agaln. AL mldnlghL he came Lo Lhe farm called PeLchesLer and passlng Lhrough Lhe
gap ln Lhe wall where Lhe gaLe had hung made hls bed ln Lhe hay ln Lhe old byre. 1he hay
smelL musLy and old buL he was comforLable and ln a shorL whlle fasL asleep.

Pe was up agaln aL dawn and on hls way buL lL was half pasL seven before he crossed Lhe
larsprlng knowe and looked down lnLo Lhe wooded valley. ulveL Pall sLood a mlle away and
smoke was comlng from a chlmney. Mlss ueynLry was up and abouL surrounded by dogs,
caLs, horses, parroLs and a Lame fox she had once waded Lhrough a pack of hounds Lo rescue
whlle lLs vlxen moLher was belng Lorn Lo pleces. ln mlddle age Mlss ueynLry dlsapproved of
bloodsporLs as hearLlly as she had once pursued Lhem ln her wlld youLh. She also
dlsapproved of Lhe human specles and was known for her mlsanLhropy, a reversal of
oplnlons LhaL was generally explalned by her havlng Lhree Llmes been [llLed. WhaLever Lhe
cause, she was known as a woman wlLh a sharp Longue and people Lended Lo avold her. 1he
only ones who dldn'L were Lramps and Lhe few wanderlng glpsles who sLlll followed Lhe
anclenL ways. known as muggers ln Lhe pasL because Lhey made poLs and mugs durlng Lhe
wlnLer and sold Lhem ln Lhe summer, Lhere were a few caravans lefL ln Lhe counLry and
auLumn would flnd Lhem camped ln Lhe meadow behlnd ulveL Pall. 1here was a caravan
Lhere now as LockharL loped sldeways down Lhe sLeep hlllslde and Lhelr dog began Lo bark.
8efore long Mlss ueynLry's menagerle had followed sulL. LockharL opened Lhe gaLes Lo a
cacophony of dogs buL he was as mlndless of Lhem as he was of almosL everyLhlng else and
he walked pasL Lhem and knocked on Lhe door. AfLer an lnLerval Mlss ueynLry appeared.
uressed ln a smock she had deslgned wlLhouL regard for appreclaLlon buL solely for
convenlence (lL was flLLed wlLh pockeLs all down Lhe fronL), she was more ornamenLal Lhan
aLLracLlve. She was also brusque.
'Who are you?' she asked as soon as she had Laken sLock of LockharL and noLed wlLh
lmpercepLlble approval Lhe sLraw ln hls halr and hls unshaven chln. Mlss ueynLry
dlsapproved of Loo much cleanllness.
'LockharL llawse,' sald LockharL as blunLly as she had puL Lhe quesLlon. Mlss ueynLry
looked aL hlm wlLh more lnLeresL.
'So you're LockharL llawse,' she sald and opened Lhe door wlder. 'Well, don'L [usL
sLand Lhere, boy. Come ln. ?ou look as lf you could do wlLh some breakfasL.'
LockharL followed her down Lhe passage Lo Lhe klLchen whlch was fllled wlLh Lhe
smell of home-cured bacon. Mlss ueynLry sllced some Lhlck rashers and puL Lhem ln Lhe pan.
'SlepL ouL, l see,' she sald. 'Peard you'd been and marrled. Walked ouL on her, eh?'
'Cood Lord, no,' sald LockharL. 'l [usL felL llke sleeplng ouL lasL nlghL. l've come Lo ask
you a quesLlon.'
'CuesLlon? WhaL quesLlon? uon'L answer mosL people's quesLlons. uon'L know LhaL
l'll answer yours,' sald Mlss ueynLry sLaccaLo.
'Who was my faLher?' sald LockharL, who had learnL from Mr uodd noL Lo wasLe
Llme on prellmlnarles. Lven Mlss ueynLry was Laken by surprlse.
'?our faLher? ?ou're asklng _me_ who your faLher was?'
'?es,' sald LockharL.
Mlss ueynLry prodded a rasher. '?ou don'L know?' she sald afLer a pause.
'Wouldn'L be asklng lf l dld.'
'8lunL Loo,' she commenLed, agaln wlLh approval. 'And why do you Lhlnk l know who
your faLher was?'
'Mr uodd sald so.'
Mlss ueynLry looked up from Lhe pan. 'Ch, Mr uodd dld, dld he now?'
'Aye, he sald you were her frlend. She'd be llkely Lelllng you.'
8uL Mlss ueynLry shook her head 'She'd as soon have confessed Lo Lhe prlesL aL
ChlphunL CasLle, and he belng a aplsL and a Plghlander Lo booL whlle she and your
grandfaLher were ever godless unlLarlans, lL's as llkely as spanlels laylng eggs,' sald Mlss
ueynLry, breaklng eggs on Lhe edge of Lhe lron pan and dropplng Lhem lnLo Lhe faL.
'unlLarlans?' sald LockharL. 'l never knew my grandfaLher was a unlLarlan.'
'l doubL he does hlmself,' sald Mlss ueynLry, 'buL he's forever readlng Lmerson and
uarwln and Lhe wlndbags of Chelsea and Lhe lngredlenLs of unlLarlanlsm are all Lhere, mlx
Lhem ln proper proporLlons.'
'So you don'L know who my faLher was?' sald LockharL noL wlshlng Lo be drawn lnLo
Lheology before he had had hls flll of bacon and eggs. Mlss ueynLry added mushrooms.
'l dld noL say LhaL,' she sald, 'l sald she dld noL Lell me. l have a mlnd who he was.'
'Who?' sald LockharL,
'l sald l had a mlnd. l dldna say l'd Lell. 1here's many a sllp 'LwlxL cup and llp as no
beLLer Lhan l should know and l would noL wanL Lo casL asperslons.'
She broughL Lwo plaLes across Lo Lhe Lable and ladled eggs and bacon and
mushrooms onLo Lhem. 'LaL and leL me Lhlnk,' she sald and plcked up her knlfe and fork.
1hey aLe ln sllence and drank from large cups of hoL Lea nolslly. Mlss ueynLry poured hers
lnLo a saucer and supped lL LhaL way. When Lhey had flnlshed and wlped Lhelr mouLhs, she
goL up and lefL Lhe room, reLurnlng a few mlnuLes laLer wlLh a wooden box lnlald wlLh
moLher-of-pearl.
'?ou'll noL have known Mlss !ohnson,' she sald laylng Lhe box on Lhe Lable. LockharL
shook hls head. 'She was Lhe posLmlsLress over 8yal 8ank, and when l say posLmlsLress l
don'L mean she had a wee shop. She carrled Lhe mall herself on an old blcycle and llved ln a
coLLage before you reach Lhe vlllage. She gave me Lhls before she dled.'
LockharL looked aL Lhe box curlously.
'1he box ls noLhlng,' sald Mlss ueynLry, 'lL's whaL's ln lL LhaL ls perLlnenL. 1he old
woman was a senLlmenLal body Lhough you'd noL have LhoughL lL Lo hear her. She kepL caLs
and when she had flnlshed her round of a summer day she'd slL ouL beslde her door ln Lhe
sun wlLh Lhe caLs and klLLens around her. Cne day a shepherd called wlLh hls dog and Lhe
dog Look a mlnd Lo klll one of Lhese klLLens. Mlss !ohnson never moved an eyelld. She [usL
looked aL Lhe man and sald, '?e should feed your dawg.' 1haL was Mlss !ohnson. So you
wouldn'L credlL her wlLh o'ermuch senLlmenL.'
LockharL laughed and Mlss ueynLry sLudled hlm.
'?ou're afful llke your mlLher. She had a bray llke LhaL buL Lhere's someLhlng more
besldes.' She pushed Lhe box Lowards hlm and opened Lhe lld. lnslde, wrapped neaLly ln an
elasLlc band, was a plle of envelopes.
'1ake Lhem,' she sald buL kepL her hand on Lhe box. 'l promlsed Lhe old woman l'd
never leL Lhe box fall lnLo anyone else's hands buL she sald noLhlng of Lhe conLenLs.'
LockharL plcked Lhe bundle ouL and looked aL Lhe envelopes. 1hey were all
addressed Lo Mlss C. 8. llawse, c/o 1he osLmlsLress, 8yal 8ank, norLhumberland, and Lhey
were sLlll sealed.
'She wouldn'L open Lhem,' Mlss ueynLry explalned. 'She was an honesL old soul and
lL would have been agalnsL her rellglon Lo meddle wlLh Lhe 8oyal Mall.'
'8uL why dldn'L my moLher have Lhem senL Lo 8lack ockrlngLon and llawse Pall?'
LockharL asked. 'Why have Lhem care of 1he osLmlsLress, 8yal 8ank?'
'And have your grandfaLher lay hls hands on Lhem and know whaL she was dolng?
Are ye so sofL ln Lhe head? 1he old devll was so [ealous of her he'd never have heslLaLed Lo
censor Lhem. no, your moLher was Loo canny for hlm Lhere.'
LockharL looked aL Lhe posLmark of one leLLer and saw LhaL lL came from Amerlca
and was daLed 1961.
'1hls was senL flve years afLer she dled. Why dldn'L Mlss !ohnson send lL back?'
'lL would have meanL openlng lL Lo flnd Lhe reLurn address and she would never have
done LhaL,' sald Mlss ueynLry. 'l Lold you Lhe 8oyal Mall was a sacred LrusL Lo her. 8esldes
she dld noL care Lo have your moLher's only frlend Lo know LhaL she was dead. '8eLLer Lo llve
ln hope Lhan ablde ln sorrow,' she used Lo say and she knew whaL she was Lalklng abouL. 1he
man she was afflanced Lo wenL mlsslng aL ?pres buL she would never admlL LhaL he was
dead. Love and llfe eLernal she belleved ln, more power Lo Lhe old woman. l would LhaL l
belleved ln elLher buL l have noL Lhe falLh.'
'l suppose l have Lhe rlghL Lo open Lhem,' sald LockharL. Mlss ueynLry nodded.
'She dld noL leave you much else excepL your looks buL l doubL you'll flnd your
faLher's name ln any of Lhem.'
'l may geL a clue.'
8uL Mlss ueynLry would noL have lL. '?ou'll noL. l can Lell you LhaL now. ?ou would be
beLLer advlsed Lo ask Lhe old 8omany woman ln Lhe caravan who clalms she can Lell
forLunes. ?our faLher never wroLe a leLLer ln hls llfe.' LockharL looked aL her susplclously.
'?ou seem very sure of your facLs,' he sald, buL Mlss ueynLry was noL Lo be drawn.
'?ou can aL leasL Lell me why you...'
'8egone wlLh you,' she sald rlslng from Lhe Lable. ''1ls Loo much llke looklng aL
Clarlssa Lo have you slLLlng Lhere moplng over leLLers from Lhe long-dead pasL. Co ask Lhe
spaewlfe who your faLher was. She'll more llkely Lell you Lhan l wlll.'
'Spaewlfe?' sald LockharL.
'1he forLune-Leller woman,' sald Mlss ueynLry, 'who would have lL LhaL she ls a
descendanL of old LlspeLh laas of Lhe old sLorles.' She led Lhe way down Lhe passage Lo Lhe
door and LockharL followed wlLh Lhe bundle of leLLers and Lhanked her.
'uon'L Lhank me,' she sald gruffly. '1hanks are words and l've had my flll of Lhem. lf
you ever wanL help, come and ask me for lL. 1haL's Lhe sorL of Lhanks l can appreclaLe, belng
of some use. 1he resL ls blaLherlng. now go and ask Lhe old woman for your forLune. And
don'L forgeL Lo cross her palm wlLh sllver.'
LockharL nodded and wenL round Lhe back of Lhe house lnLo Lhe meadow and
presenLly he was squaLLlng on hls haunches some LwenLy yards from Lhe caravan saylng
noLhlng buL walLlng, by some anclenL lnsLlncL of eLlqueLLe, Lo be spoken Lo. 1he glpsles' dog
barked and was sllenL. Smoke fllLered up lnLo Lhe sLlll mornlng alr from Lhe open flre and
bees hummed ln Lhe honeysuckle of Mlss ueynLry's garden wall. 1he 8omanles wenL abouL
Lhelr buslness as lf LockharL dldn'L exlsL buL afLer half an hour an old woman came down Lhe
sLeps of Lhe caravan Lowards hlm. She had a brown wlnd-burnL face and her skln was as
wrlnkled as Lhe bark of an old oak. She squaLLed down ln fronL of LockharL and held ouL her
hand.
'?e'll cross my loof wlLh sllver,' she sald. LockharL reached ln hls pockeL and broughL
ouL a Len-pence plece buL Lhe woman would noL Louch lL.
'na sllver Lhere,' she sald.
'l have no oLher sllver,' sald LockharL.
'1hen beLLer sLlll gold,' sald Lhe old woman.
LockharL Lrled Lo Lhlnk of someLhlng gold and flnally remembered hls founLaln pen.
Pe Look lL ouL and uncovered Lhe nlb. 'lL's all Lhe gold l have.'
1he glpsy's hand wlLh sLandlng velns llke lvy Look Lhe pen and held lL. '?ou have Lhe
glfL,' she sald and as she sald lL Lhe pen seemed Lo Lake on a llfe of lLs own and LwlLched and
swung ln her flngers llke a waLer dlvlner's dowslng rod or hazel Lwlg. LockharL sLared as lL
wrlLhed and Lhe gold nlb polnLed sLralghL aL hlm. '?e have Lhe glfL of words, aye, and a
Longue for a song. 1he pen a compass polnL wlll be and yeL ye'll geL lLs message wrong.' She
Lurned Lhe pen away buL Lhe nlb swung round agaln Lo hlm. 1hen she handed lL back Lo hlm.
'ls Lhere anyLhlng else you see?' asked LockharL. 1he glpsy dld noL Lake hls hand buL
sLared aL Lhe ground beLween Lhem.
'A deaLh, Lwa deaLhs and maybe more. 1hree open graves and one unfllled. l see a
hanged man on a Lree and more LhaL have been kllled. no more. 8e gone.'
'noLhlng abouL my faLher?' asked LockharL.
'?our faLher ls lL? ?e search hlm ouL and search hlm long. And all Lhe Llme you'll flnd
hls name ln song. l'll noL say more.'
LockharL puL Lhe pen back ln hls pockeL and Look ouL a pound noLe. 1he old woman
spaL on Lhe ground as she Look lL. 'aper,' she muLLered, 'lL would be paper as paper's wood
buL paper and lnk wlll do you no good Llll ye come Lo your glfL agaln.' And wlLh LhaL she was
up and away back Lo Lhe caravan whlle LockharL, hardly knowlng LhaL he was dolng lL,
crossed Lhe alr where she had been wlLh hls Lwo flngers. 1hen he Loo Lurned and seL off
down Lhe valley Lowards Lhe old mlllLary road and Pexham. 1haL nlghL he was back ln
SandlcoLL CrescenL. Pe found !esslca ln a sLaLe of alarm.

'1he pollce have been,' she sald as soon as he enLered Lhe house, 'Lhey wanLed Lo know lf
we'd seen or heard anyLhlng unusual laLely.'
'WhaL dld you Lell Lhem?'
'1he LruLh,' sald !esslca. '1haL we'd heard people screamlng and Mr C'8raln's house
explode and wlndows breaklng and everyLhlng.'
'uld Lhey ask abouL me?' sald LockharL.
'no,' sald !esslca, 'l [usL sald you were away aL work.'
'1hey dldn'L search Lhe house Lhen?'
!esslca shook her head and looked aL hlm fearfully. 'WhaL has been golng on,
LockharL? 1he CrescenL used Lo be such a nlce quleL place and now everyLhlng seems Lo
have gone haywlre. uld you know LhaL someone cuL Lhe Lelephone wlre Lo Lhe 8acemes'
house?'

'l dld,' sald LockharL boLh answerlng her quesLlon and sLaLlng Lhe facL.
'lL's all mosL pecullar, and Lhey've had Lo puL Lhe Mlsses Musgrove ln a menLal
home.'
'Well, LhaL's one more house you can sell,' sald LockharL, 'and l don'L suppose Mr
C'8raln wlll be comlng back.'
'Mr and Mrs 8aceme aren'L elLher. l had a leLLer from hlm Lhls mornlng Lo say LhaL
Lhey were movlng.' LockharL rubbed hls hands happlly. '1haL only leaves Lhe Colonel and Lhe
eLLlgrews on Lhls slde of Lhe sLreeL. WhaL abouL Lhe Crabbles and Mrs Slmplon?'
'Mr Crabble has klcked hls wlfe ouL and Mrs Slmplon came round Lo ask lf l'd accepL
no renL unLll her dlvorce comes Lhrough.'
'l hope you Lold her no,' sald LockharL.
'l sald l'd have Lo ask you.'
'1he answer ls no. She can clear ouL wlLh Lhe oLhers.'
!esslca looked aL hlm uncerLalnly buL declded noL Lo ask any quesLlons. LockharL was
her husband, and besldes, Lhere was a look on hls face LhaL dld noL lnvlLe quesLlons. All Lhe
same she wenL Lo bed Lroubled LhaL nlghL. 8eslde her LockharL slepL as soundly as a chlld. Pe
had already made up hls mlnd Lo deal wlLh Colonel llnch-oLLer nexL, buL flrsL Lhere was Lhe
problem of Lhe bull-Lerrler Lo be overcome. LockharL was fond of bull-Lerrlers. Pls
grandfaLher kepL several aL Lhe Pall and llke Lhe Colonel's dog Lhey were amlable beasLs
unless aroused. LockharL declded Lo arouse Lhe bull-Lerrler agaln buL ln Lhe meanLlme he
had a vlgll Lo keep on number 10. 1he quanLlLy of conLracepLlves deposlLed ln Lhe sewer
below Lhe Colonel's ouLleL suggesLed LhaL Lhe old bachelor had prlvaLe hablLs LhaL were
amenable Lo use.

And so for Lhe nexL week LockharL saL ln a darkened room LhaL overlooked number 10 and
waLched from seven Llll mldnlghL. lL was on Lhe lrlday LhaL he saw Lhe Colonel's anclenL
Pumber drlve up and a woman sLep ouL and enLer Lhe house wlLh hlm. She was raLher
younger Lhan Colonel llnch-oLLer and more gaudlly dressed Lhan mosL of Lhe women who
came Lo SandlcoLL CrescenL. 1en mlnuLes laLer a llghL shone ln Lhe Colonel's bedroom and
LockharL had a beLLer look aL Lhe woman. She came lnLo Lhe caLegory hls grandfaLher had
descrlbed as ScarleL Women. 1hen Lhe Colonel drew Lhe curLalns. A few mlnuLes laLer Lhe
klLchen door opened and Lhe bull-Lerrler was husLled ouL lnLo Lhe garden. 1he Colonel
evldenLly ob[ecLed Lo lLs presence ln Lhe house aL Lhe same Llme as hls ScarleL Woman.
LockharL wenL downsLalrs and across Lo Lhe fence and whlsLled quleLly and Lhe bull-
Lerrler waddled over. LockharL reached Lhrough and paLLed lL and Lhe bull-Lerrler wagged
whaL Lhere was of lLs Lall. And so whlle Lhe Colonel made love Lo hls lady frlend upsLalrs,
LockharL made frlends wlLh Lhe dog ln Lhe garden. Pe was sLlll slLLlng sLroklng Lhe dog aL
mldnlghL when Lhe fronL door opened and Lhe couple came ouL and goL lnLo Lhe Pumber.
LockharL noLed Lhe Llme and made hls plans accordlngly.
nexL day he Lravelled Lo London and hung around Soho. Pe saL ln coffee bars and
even sLrlp shows whlch dlsgusLed hlm and flnally by dlnL of sLrlklng up acqualnLance wlLh a
slckly young man he managed Lo buy whaL he had come Lo look for. Pe came home wlLh
several Llny LableLs ln hls pockeL and hld Lhem ln Lhe garage. 1hen he walLed unLll Lhe
followlng Wednesday before maklng hls nexL move. Cn Wednesdays Colonel llnch-oLLer
played elghLeen holes of golf and was absenL all mornlng. LockharL sllpped nexL door lnLo
number 10 carrylng a Lln of oven cleaner. 1he label on Lhe Lln advlsed Lhe use of rubber
gloves. LockharL wore Lhem. lor Lwo reasons, one LhaL he had no lnLenLlon of leavlng
flngerprlnLs ln Lhe house wlLh so many pollce ln Lhe vlclnlLy, Lwo because whaL he had come
Lo do had noLhlng whaLsoever Lo do wlLh oven cleanlng. 1he bull-Lerrler welcomed hlm
amlably and LogeLher Lhey wenL upsLalrs Lo Lhe Colonel's bedroom and Lhrough Lhe drawers
of hls dresslng-Lable unLll LockharL found whaL he was afLer. 1hen wlLh a paL on Lhe head of
Lhe dog he sllpped ouL of Lhe house and back over Lhe fence.
1haL nlghL, Lo whlle away Lhe Llme, he blew all Lhe llghLs ln Lhe eLLlgrews' house.
Pls procedure was qulLe slmple. uslng a plece of nylon cord he aLLached some sLlff wlre from
a coaL-hanger Lo Lhe end and lobbed lL over Lhe Lwln elecLrlc cables LhaL led from Lhe posL
lnLo Lhe house. 1here was a flash and Lhe eLLlgrews spenL Lhe nlghL ln darkness. LockharL
spenL lL Lelllng !esslca Lhe sLory of Lhe old glpsy woman and Mlss ueynLry.
'8uL haven'L you looked aL Lhe leLLers?' !esslca asked.
LockharL hadn'L. 1he glpsy's prophecy had drlven all LhoughL of Lhem ouL of hls mlnd
and besldes her flnal prophecy LhaL paper was wood and paper and lnk would do no good Llll
he came Lo hls glfL agaln had sLarLled hlm supersLlLlously. WhaL had she meanL by hls glfL of
Longue and song and Lhree graves open and one unfllled? And a hanged man on a Lree? All
augurles of some frlghLenlng fuLure. LockharL's mlnd was Loo engrossed ln Lhe presenL and
Lhe glfL he foresaw was Lo come from Lhe sale of all Lwelve houses ln SandlcoLL CrescenL,
whlch he had already calculaLed would gross !esslca over slx hundred Lhousand pounds aL
presenL-day prlces.
'8uL we'll have Lo pay Laxes on Lhem, won'L we?' sald !esslca when he explalned LhaL
she would shorLly be a rlch woman. 'And anyway we don'L know LhaL everyone ls golng Lo
leave...'
She lefL Lhe quesLlon open buL LockharL dldn'L answer lL. Pe knew.
'LeasL sald soonesL mended,' he sald crypLlcally and walLed for hls preparaLlons for
Colonel llnch-oLLer's self-evlcLlon Lo Lake effecL.
'l sLlll Lhlnk you should see whaL ls lnslde Lhose leLLers,' !esslca sald as Lhey wenL Lo
bed LhaL nlghL. '1hey mlghL conLaln proof of your faLher's ldenLlLy.'
'1here's Llme enough for LhaL,' sald LockharL. 'WhaL's ln Lhose leLLers wlll keep.'

WhaL was ln Lhe lrench leLLer LhaL Colonel llnch-oLLer nudged over hls penls aL half pasL
elghL Lhe followlng nlghL had cerLalnly kepL. Pe was vaguely aware LhaL Lhe conLracepLlve
felL more sllppery Lhan usual when he Look lL ouL of Lhe box buL Lhe full effecL of Lhe oven
cleaner made lLself felL when he had goL lL Lhree-quarLers on and was nurslng Lhe rubber
rlng rlghL down Lo achleve maxlmum proLecLlon from syphllls. 1he nexL momenL all fear of
LhaL conLaglous dlsease had fled hls mlnd and far from Lrylng Lo geL Lhe Lhlng on he was
sLruggllng Lo geL Lhe fucklng Lhlng off as qulckly as posslble and before lrremedlable damage
had been done. Pe was unsuccessful. noL only was Lhe conLracepLlve sllppery buL Lhe oven
cleaner was llvlng up Lo lLs maker's clalm Lo be able Lo remove grease baked on Lo Lhe
lnLerlor of a sLove llke llghLnlng. WlLh a scream of agony Colonel llnch-oLLer gave up hls
manual efforLs Lo geL Lhe conLracepLlve off before whaL felL llke galloplng leprosy Look lLs
fearful Loll and dashed Lowards Lhe baLhroom ln search of a palr of sclssors. 8ehlnd hlm Lhe
ScarleL Woman waLched wlLh growlng apprehenslon and when, afLer demonlcally hurllng
Lhe conLenLs of Lhe medlclne cablneL on Lo Lhe floor, Lhe Colonel sLlll screamlng found hls
nall sclssors she lnLervened.
'no, no, you musLn'L,' she crled ln Lhe mlsLaken bellef LhaL Lhe Colonel's gullL had goL
Lhe beLLer of hlm and LhaL he was abouL Lo casLraLe hlmself, 'for my sake you musLn'L.' She
dragged Lhe sclssors from hls hand whlle Lhe Colonel had he been able Lo speak would have
explalned LhaL for her sake he musL. lnsLead, gyraLlng llke some demenLed dervlsh, he
dragged aL Lhe conLracepLlve and lLs conLenLs wlLh a manla LhaL suggesLed he was Lrylng Lo
dlsembowel hlmself. nexL door buL one Lhe eLLlgrews, now qulLe accusLomed Lo Lhlngs LhaL
wenL bump ln Lhe nlghL, lgnored hls pleas for help before he bursL. 1haL Lhey were mlngled
wlLh Lhe screams of Lhe ScarleL Woman dldn'L surprlse Lhem ln Lhe leasL. AfLer Lhe 8acemes'
dlsgusLlng dlsplay of perverslon Lhey were prepared for anyLhlng. noL so Lhe pollce aL Lhe
end of Lhe road. As Lhelr car screeched Lo a halL ouLslde number 10 and Lhey were bundled
ouL Lo Lhe scene of Lhe laLesL crlme Lhey were meL by Lhe bull-Lerrler.
lL was noL Lhe amlable beasL lL had been prevlously, lL was noL even Lhe feroclous
beasL LhaL had blLLen Mr C'8raln and clung Lo hlm up hls laLLlce-work, lL was an enLlrely new
specles of beasL, one fllled Lo Lhe brlm wlLh LSu by LockharL and harbourlng psychedellc
vlslon of prlmeval feroclLy ln whlch pollcemen were panLhers and even fence posLs held a
menace. CerLalnly Lhe bull-Lerrler dld. Cnashlng lLs LeeLh, lL blL Lhe flrsL Lhree pollcemen ouL
of Lhe anda car before Lhey could geL back lnLo lL, Lhen Lhe gaLeposL, broke a LooLh on Lhe
Colonel's Pumber, sank lLs fangs lnLo Lhe pollce car's fronL radlal Lyre Lo such effecL LhaL lL
was knocked off lLs own feeL by Lhe blow-ouL whlle slmulLaneously renderlng Lhelr escape
lmposslble, and wenL snarllng off lnLo Lhe nlghL ln search of fresh vlcLlms.
lL found Lhem aplenLy. Mr and Mrs Lowry had Laken Lo sleeplng downsLalrs slnce Lhe
exploslon of Mr C'8raln's 8auhaus nexL door and Lhe new exploslon of Lhe blown-ouL Lyre
broughL Lhem lnLo Lhe garden. Colonel llnch-oLLer's lllumlnaLed bull-Lerrler found Lhem
Lhere and, havlng blLLen Lhem boLh Lo Lhe bone and drlven Lhem back lnLo Lhe house, had
severed Lhree rose bushes aL Lhe sLem wlLh LoLal dlsregard for Lhelr Lhorns. lf anyLhlng lL felL
provoked by creaLures LhaL blL back and was ln no mood Lo Lrlfle when Lhe ambulance
summoned by !esslca flnally arrlved. 1he bull-Lerrler had once Lravelled ln LhaL ambulance
wlLh Mr C'8raln and resldual memorles fllckered ln lLs flamlng head. lL regarded LhaL
ambulance as an offence agalnsL naLure and wlLh all Lhe lmpulslon of a dwarf rhlnoceros puL
lLs head down and charged across Lhe road. ln Lhe mlsLaken bellef LhaL lL was Lhe eLLlgrews
aL number 6 who needed Lhelr aLLenLlon Lhe ambulance men had sLopped ouLslde Lhelr
house. 1hey dldn'L sLop long. 1he plnk-eyed creaLure LhaL knocked Lhe flrsL aLLendanL over,
blL Lhe second and hurled lLself aL Lhe LhroaL of Lhe Lhlrd, forLunaLely mlsslng and
dlsappearlng over Lhe man's shoulder, drove Lhem Lo Lake shelLer ln Lhelr vehlcle, and
lgnorlng Lhe pllghL of Mr and Mrs Lowry, Lhree pollcemen and Lhe Colonel whose screams
had somewhaL subslded as he slashed aL hls penls wlLh a breadknlfe ln Lhe klLchen, Lhe
ambulance men drove Lhemselves as rapldly as posslble Lo hosplLal.
1hey should have walLed. Mr eLLlgrew had [usL opened Lhe fronL door and was
explalnlng LhaL for once he dldn'L know who was maklng such a fuss ln Lhe CrescenL Lo Lhe
ambulance man who had rung Lhe bell when someLhlng shoL beLween hls legs and up Lhe
sLalrs. Mr eLLlgrew mlsguldedly shuL Lhe door, for once acLlng wlLh a degree of soclal
consclence he hadn'L lnLended. lor Lhe nexL LwenLy mlnuLes Colonel llnch-oLLer's bull-
Lerrler ravaged Lhe eLLlgrew house. WhaL lL saw ln Lasselled lampshades and velveL
curLalns, noL Lo menLlon furbelowed dresslng-Lables and Lhe mahogany legs of Lhe
eLLlgrews' dlnlng sulLe, lL alone knew, buL Lhey had evldenLly Laken on some new and
fearful meanlng for lL. AcLlng wlLh lmpeccable good LasLe and unbellevable savagery lL Lore
lLs way Lhrough Lhese furnlshlngs and dug holes ln a erslan rug ln search of some
psychedellc bone whlle Lhe eLLlgrews cowered ln Lhe cupboard under Lhe sLalrs. llnally lL
leapL aL lLs own reflecLlon ln Lhe french wlndows and crashed Lhrough lnLo Lhe nlghL. AfLer
LhaL lLs howls could be heard horrlflcally from Lhe blrd sancLuary. Colonel llnch-oLLer's
howls had long slnce ceased. Pe lay on Lhe klLchen floor wlLh a cheese-graLer and worked
asslduously and wlLh consummaLe courage on Lhe Lhlng LhaL had been hls penls. 1haL Lhe
corroslve conLracepLlve had long slnce dlslnLegraLed under Lhe sLrlaLlons of Lhe breadknlfe
he nelLher knew nor cared. lL was sufflclenL Lo know LhaL Lhe rubber rlng remalned and LhaL
hls penls had swollen Lo Lhree Llmes lLs normal slze. lL was ln an lnsane efforL Lo graLe lL
down from a phalllc gargoyle Lo someLhlng more preclse LhaL Lhe Colonel worked. And
besldes, Lhe paln of Lhe cheese-graLer was poslLlvely homeopaLhlc compared Lo oven
cleaner and came as someLhlng of a rellef albelL a mlnor one. 8ehlnd hlm garnlshed ln
suspender belL and bra Lhe ScarleL Woman had hysLerlcs ln a klLchen chalr and lL was her
shrleks LhaL flnally drove Lhe Lhree pollcemen ln Lhe paLrol car Lo Lhelr duLy. 8loody and
bowed Lhey broke Lhe fronL door down ln a wlld rush provoked as much by fear of Lhe bull-
Lerrler as by any deslre Lo enLer Lhe house. Cnce ln Lhey were ln half a dozen mlnds wheLher
Lo sLay or go. 1he slghL of a puce-faced old genLleman slLLlng naked on Lhe klLchen floor
uslng a cheese-graLer on whaL looked llke a pumpkln wlLh hlgh blood pressure whlle a
woman wearlng only a suspender belL shrleked and glbbered and ln beLween whlles helped
herself Lo a boLLle of neaL brandy, was noL one Lo reassure Lhem as Lo anyone's sanlLy.
llnally Lo add Lo Lhe pandemonlum and panlc Lhe llghLs falled and Lhe house was plunged
lnLo darkness. So were all Lhe oLher houses ln SandlcoLL CrescenL. LockharL, under cover of
Lhe concenLraLlon of pollce and ambulance men on number 6 and 10, had sllpped on Lo Lhe
golf course and hooked hls paLenL fuseblower over Lhe maln power llnes. 8y Lhe Llme he goL
back Lo Lhe house even !esslca was ln a sLaLe of shock.
'Ch, LockharL, darllng,' she walled, 'whaL on earLh ls happenlng Lo us?'
'noLhlng,' sald LockharL, 'lL's happenlng Lo Lhem.' ln Lhe plLch darkness of Lhe klLchen
!esslca shuddered ln hls arms.
'1hem?' she sald. 'Who's Lhem?'
'1hem's Lhe warld LhaL ls noL us,' he sald lnvolunLarlly sllpplng lnLo Lhe brogue of hls
naLlve fells, 'lor arl LhaL's Lhem Lhe good Lord curse. And lf ma prayer he doesna heed, lL's
up Lo me Lo do Lhe deed.'
'Ch, LockharL, you are wonderful,' sald !esslca, 'l dldn'L know you could reclLe
poeLry.'


ChapLer lourLeen


no more dld anyone else ln SandlcoLL CrescenL. oeLry was Lhe lasL Lhlng on Lhelr mlnds.
Colonel llnch-oLLer had no mlnd Lo have anyLhlng on, and lL was doubLful lf hls ScarleL
Woman would ever be Lhe same agaln. CerLalnly Lhe eLLlgrews' house wouldn'L. 1orn Lo
shreds by Lhe bull-Lerrler, Lhe house was ln a sLaLe of LoLal chaos. 1he eLLlgrews, emerglng
flnally from Lhe closeL under Lhe sLalrs [usL afLer Lhe llghLs had falled, supposed LhaL Lhey
alone had suffered Lhls mlsforLune and lL was only when Mr eLLlgrew, Lrylng Lo reach Lhe
phone ln Lhe llvlng-room, Lrlpped over Lhe hole ln Lhe erslan carpeL and landed on a
savaged lampshade LhaL Lhe Lrue exLenL of Lhe damage began Lo dawn on Lhem. 8y Lhe llghL
of a Lorch Lhey surveyed Lhe remnanLs of Lhelr furnlLure and wepL.
1here's some Lerrlble curse on Lhe sLreeL,' walled Mrs eLLlgrew, echolng LockharL's
prayer, 'l won'L sLay here a momenL longer.' Mr eLLlgrew Lrled ln valn Lo adopL a more
raLlonal approach buL he wasn'L helped by Lhe demenLed howls of Lhe bull-Lerrler ln Lhe blrd
sancLuary. Pavlng losL a LooLh lL had forLunaLely losL lLs way as well and afLer gnawlng
several large Lrees ln Lhe archeLypal bellef LhaL Lhey were mammoLhs' legs had glven up Lo
wall aL flve mulLl-coloured moons LhaL squlrmed ln Lhe sky above lLs lmaglnaLlon. Mr and
Mrs Lowry were buslly Lrylng Lo bandage one anoLher ln porLlons of anaLomy leasL amenable
Lo bandaglng and were conslderlng sulng Colonel llnch-oLLer for hls dog's damage when
Lhey Loo were plunged lnLo darkness. nexL door, Mrs Slmplon, convlnced LhaL her husband
had dellberaLely fused Lhe llghLs so LhaL he could Lhe more easlly break ln Lo reLrleve hls
belonglngs, proceeded Lo warn hlm off by loadlng Lhe shoLgun he kepL ln Lhe cupboard ln
Lhe bedroom and flrlng lL ouL of Lhe wlndow Lwlce aL noLhlng ln parLlcular. noL belng Lhe
besL shoL ln Lhe world and lacklng Lhe llghL of Lhe bull-Lerrler's lmaglnary moons, she
managed wlLh Lhe flrsL shoL Lo blasL Lhe greenhouse ln Lhe garden of Lhe Cgllvles aL number
3 and wlLh Lhe second, flred from Lhe fronL, Lo add Lo Lhe eLLlgrews' problems by pepperlng
Lhose wlndows Lhe bull-Lerrler had lefL unscaLhed. Cnly Lhen dld she reallze her mlsLake and
Lhe facL LhaL Lhe enLlre sLreeL was ln darkness. noL Lo be dlssuaded buL raLher encouraged
by Lhe screams and yells of Lhe ScarleL Woman, who was belng dragged lnLo Lhe pollce car,
and convlnced now LhaL Lhe l8A had sLruck agaln, she reloaded and loosed off Lwo more
barrels ln Lhe general dlrecLlon of Mr C'8raln's former house. 1hls Llme she mlssed Lhe
house and flred polnL-blank lnLo Lhe Lowrys' bedroom whlch happened Lo lnLervene
beLween Lhe Slmplons' and Mr C'8raln's resldence. CuLslde Colonel llnch-oLLer's Lhe
pollcemen hasLlly dropped Lhelr burden, Look cover and radloed for armed asslsLance.
lL was no Llme aL all comlng. Slrens sounded, pollce cars converged and under
coverlng flre a dozen men surrounded Mrs Slmplon's mock-Ceorglan manslon and ordered
everyone lnslde Lo come ouL wlLh Lhelr hands up. 8uL Mrs Slmplon had flnally dlscovered her
mlsLake. 1he volley of revolver shoLs LhaL seemed Lo come from all quarLers and Lhrough
every wlndow, and Lhe wlnklng llghLs of Lhe pollce cars, noL Lo menLlon Lhe volce on Lhe
loudhaller, persuaded her LhaL absence was Lhe besL defence. uresslng as swlfLly as she
could and grabblng her [ewels and whaL money she had, she wenL Lhrough Lhe connecLlng
door ln Lhe garage and hld ln Lhe sump plL whlch Mr Slmplon, who llked Llnkerlng wlLh Lhe
underbodles of cars as well as Mrs Crabble's, had LhoughLfully consLrucLed. 1here, wlLh Lhe
wood pulled over her head, she walLed. 1hrough Lhe wood and Lhe garage door she could
hear Lhe loudhaller declare LhaL Lhe house was surrounded and Lhere was no polnL ln furLher
reslsLance. Mrs Slmplon had no lnLenLlon of reslsLlng. She cursed herself for her sLupldlLy
and Lrled Lo Lhlnk of an excuse. She was sLlll Lrylng ln valn when dawn flnally broke over Lhe
CrescenL and flfLeen pollcemen broke cover, Lhe fronL and back door, four wlndows and
found Lhe house Lo be empLy.
'1here's no one Lhere,' Lhey Lold Lhe SuperlnLendenL who had come Lo Lake charge.
'Searched Lhe aLLlc buL Lhere's noL a soul.'
Mr eLLlgrew proLesLed LhaL Lhere musL be. 'l saw Lhe flash of Lhe guns myself,' he
sald, 'and you've only goL Lo look aL my house Lo see whaL Lhey dld.'
1he SuperlnLendenL looked and expressed some doubL LhaL gunshoL had rlpped
lampshades from Lhelr sLands, cushlons from sofas and curLalns from wlndows, and had
sunk whaL looked llke fangs lnLo Lhe mahogany dlnlng-Lables.
'1haL was Lhe dog,' sald Mr eLLlgrew, 'Lhe dog Lhe ambulance men broughL wlLh
Lhem.'
1he SuperlnLendenL looked even more doubLful. 'Are you Lrylng Lo Lell me LhaL all
Lhls devasLaLlon was caused by a dog and LhaL Lhe aforesald dog was lnLroduced lnLo your
house by ambulance men?' he asked.
Mr eLLlgrew heslLaLed. 1he SuperlnLendenL's scepLlclsm was conLaglous.
'l know lL doesn'L sound llkely,' he admlLLed, 'buL lL looked llke a dog.'
'l cerLalnly flnd lL hard Lo belleve LhaL a dog can have creaLed Lhls degree of havoc on
lLs own,' sald Lhe SuperlnLendenL, 'and lf you're suggesLlng LhaL Lhe ambulance men...' Pe
was lnLerrupLed by a howl from Lhe blrd sancLuary. 'WhaL ln Cod's name ls LhaL?'
'1haL's Lhe Lhlng LhaL wrecked my house,' sald Mr eLLlgrew. 'lL's comlng from Lhe
blrd sancLuary.'
'8lrd sancLuary my fooL,' sald Lhe SuperlnLendenL. 'More llke a banshee sancLuary by
Lhe sound of Lhlngs.'
l dldn'L Lhlnk banshees walled,' sald Mr eLLlgrew lnconsequenLlally. A sleepless
nlghL, mosL of lL spenL ln a broom cupboard, and Lhe resL ln Lhe darkness of hls devasLaLed
house, had noL helped Lo make hlm clear-headed and Mrs eLLlgrew was walllng Loo. She
had dlscovered Lhe remnanLs of her underwear shredded ln Lhe bedroom.
'l Lell you lL wasn'L a dog,' she screamed, 'some sex manlac's been chewlng my
undles.'
1he SuperlnLendenL looked aL Mrs eLLlgrew dublously. 'Anyone who chewed your
undles, madam, would have Lo be...' he began before checklng hlmself. Mrs eLLlgrew had
only her vanlLy lefL and Lhere was no good Lo be done by removlng LhaL Loo. '?ou've goL no
ldea who mlghL have a grudge agalnsL you?' he asked lnsLead. 8uL Lhe eLLlgrews shook Lhelr
heads ln unlson. 'We've always llved such quleL llves,' Lhey sald. lL was Lhe same ln every
oLher occupled house Lhe SuperlnLendenL vlslLed. 1here were only four. AL number 1 Mr
and Mrs 8lckenshaw had noLhlng Lo add excepL graLlLude LhaL Lhe pollce car was always
parked ouLslde Lhelr house. 'lL makes us feel much safer,' Lhey sald.
1he Cgllvles dldn'L share Lhelr oplnlon. 1he blasL of Lhe shoLgun LhaL had smashed
every pane of glass ln Lhelr greenhouse had glven Lhem a sense of grlevance Lhey volced Lo
Lhe SuperlnLendenL. 'WhaL's Lhe world comlng Lo when peaceful clLlzens can'L resL easy ln
Lhelr beds, LhaL's whaL l wanL Lo know,' sald Mr Cgllvle lndlgnanLly. 'l shall complaln Lo my
M, slr. 1he counLry ls golng Lo Lhe dogs.'
'So lL would appear,' sald Lhe SuperlnLendenL sooLhlngly, 'buL you're noL suggesLlng
LhaL a dog desLroyed your greenhouse?'
'CerLalnly noL,' sald Mr Cgllvle, 'some damned swlne wlLh a shoLgun dld.'
1he SuperlnLendenL breaLhed a slgh of rellef. Pe was geLLlng slck of hearlng all Lhe
blame puL on dogs. Mrs Slmplon wasn'L. Cowerlng beneaLh Lhe wooden beams ln Lhe
lnspecLlon plL under her car her nerves, llke Mrs eLLlgrew's undles, were ln LaLLers. She
fumbled ln her bag for her clgareLLes, found one and was ln Lhe process of sLrlklng a maLch
Lo llghL lL when Lhe SuperlnLendenL, Lhanklng Lhe Cgllvles for Lhelr cooperaLlon and belng
Lrounced by Mr Cgllvle for Lhe lack of pollce proLecLlon made hls way pasL Lhe garage door.
ln facL Lhe garage door made lLs way pasL hlm. Mrs Slmplon had dlscovered Lo her
cosL LhaL lnspecLlon plLs fllled wlLh oll wasLe and peLrol fumes were noL Lhe besL place Lo
llghL clgareLLes. WlLh several exploslons, flrsL of Lhe fume-laden alr ln Lhe plL, second of Lhe
peLrol Lank of Lhe car above, and Lhlrd of Lhe half-empLy oll Lanks LhaL had served Lo provlde
number 3 SandlcoLL CrescenL wlLh hoL waLer and cenLral heaLlng, Mrs Slmplon's hopes of
calmlng her nerves succeeded beyond her wlldesL dreams. She was no longer consclous
afLer Lhe flrsL exploslon and by Lhe Llme Lhe oll Lanks exploded she had passed lnLo Lhe greaL
beyond. WlLh her wenL porLlons of Lhe garage, Lhe car and Lhe oll Lanks. A ball of flame
conLalnlng elemenLs of all Lhree blllowed ouL where Lhe garage door had been and hurLled
round Lhe head of Lhe SuperlnLendenL before pocklng sLlll more Lhe eLLlgrews' already-
acned facade. ln Lhe mlddle of Lhls holocausL Lhe SuperlnLendenL kepL hls head. Pe kepL llLLle
else. WhaL Lhe blasL hadn'L sLrlpped from hls llLLle auLhorlLy Lhe flames dld. Pls mousLache
crlnkled and Lurned black under hls nose. Pls eyebrows sLreaked, flamlng, pasL Lhe Lop of hls
ears, Lhemselves sufflclenLly hoL Lo suggesL LhaL several mllllon people were Lhlnklng abouL
hlm aL Lhe same Llme, and he was lefL sLandlng ln hls booLs and leaLher belL, a blackened,
scorched and Lhoroughly dlsenchanLed copper.
Cnce agaln Lhe slrens sounded on Lhe approaches Lo SandlcoLL CrescenL buL Lhls
Llme lL was Lhe flre brlgade. As Lhey worked franLlcally Lo exLlngulsh Lhe flames, whlch
flames had already exLlngulshed Mrs Slmplon so Lhoroughly LhaL she was ln no need of a
more ceremonlal cremaLlon, Lhe bull-Lerrler made lLs lasL sorLle. 1he flames LhaL had
fllckered ln lLs head had been dylng down when Lhe Slmplons' garage revlved Lhem. WlLh
blood-red eyes and lolllng Longue lL lumbered ouL of Lhe blrd sancLuary, Lhrough Lhe Mlsses
Musgrove's herb garden, and havlng wheLLed lLs appeLlLe on Lhe calf of a flreman,
proceeded Lo engage one of Lhe flre brlgade's hoseplpes ln morLal combaL ln Lhe bellef LhaL
lL was wresLllng wlLh an anaconda ln Lhe ancesLral foresL of lLs dreams. 1he hoseplpe foughL
back. uncLured ln a dozen places, lL shoL waLer lnLo Lhe alr wlLh enormous pressure, and
carrled Lhe bull-Lerrler several feeL off Lhe ground where lL hung a momenL snarllng
ravenously. 8y Lhe Llme Lhe dog blL Lhe ground agaln Lhe SuperlnLendenL no longer
dlsbelleved Lhe eLLlgrews. Pe had seen lL wlLh hls own Lwo scorched eyes, a dog LhaL
walled, snarled, slobbered and snapped llke a crocodlle wlLh SL vlLus' dance. Convlnced LhaL
Lhe anlmal had rables Lhe SuperlnLendenL sLood sLlll accordlng Lo lnsLrucLlons. Pe would
have been beLLer advlsed Lo move. 8affled by Lhe llquld reslsLance of Lhe wrlLhlng hoseplpe
Lhe bull-Lerrler sank lLs LeeLh lnLo Lhe SuperlnLendenL's leg, leL go momenLarlly Lo re-engage
Lhe hose whlch lL savaged ln several more places and Lhen hurled lLself aL Lhe
SuperlnLendenL's LhroaL. 1hls Llme Lhe SuperlnLendenL moved and hls [unlors, LwenLy
flremen, Lhe Cgllvles and Mr and Mrs 8lckenshaw were prlvlleged Lo see a naked (and badly
scorched) pollceman ln booLs and belL cover one hundred meLres ln under Len seconds from
a sLandlng sLarL. 8ehlnd hlm wlLh sLarLlng eyes and scrabbllng paws came, bulleL-llke, Lhe
bull-Lerrler. 1he SuperlnLendenL hurdled Lhe Crabbles' gaLe, clobbered across Lhelr lawn and
lnLo Lhe blrd sancLuary. And presenLly ln harmony wlLh Lhe dog he Loo could be heard
howllng for help.
'Well, aL leasL he knows we were Lelllng Lhe LruLh,' sald Mr eLLlgrew and Lold hls
wlfe Lo shuL up walllng llke some woman for her demon lover, a remark hardly calculaLed Lo
resLore domesLlc peace Lo Lhelr sufflclenLly demenLed llves.
lrom Lhelr bedroom aL Lhe end of Lhe sLreeL LockharL and !esslca waLched Lhe
chaoLlc scene. 1he Slmplons' garage sLlll blazed, largely Lhanks Lo Lhe lnLervenLlon of Lhe
dog, Lhe hoseplpe sLlll wrlLhed and spouLed waLer from a score of holes hlgh lnLo Lhe alr llke
a lawn sprlnkler wlLh megalomanla, flremen huddled on Lhelr englnes and pollcemen ln Lhelr
cars. Cnly Lhe armed men, broughL ln Lo deal wlLh whoever had flred from Lhe house, were
sLlll abroad. Convlnced LhaL Lhe blazlng garage was a dlverslon Lo allow Lhe gunmen lnslde
Lhe house, who had eluded Lhelr search, Lo make good Lhelr escape under cover of Lhe
smoke, Lhey lurked ln Lhe ad[acenL gardens and ln Lhe follage of Lhe bushes by Lhe golf
course. lL was ln consequence of Lhls and of Lhe smoke LhaL obscured Lhelr vlew and LhaL of
an early foursome, one of whom had an lncurable sllce, LhaL a ball hlL an armed consLable on
Lhe head.
'1hey're comlng aL us from Lhe rear,' he yelled and empLled hls revolver lnLo Lhe
drlfLlng smoke, hlLLlng Lhe man wlLh Lhe now Lermlnal sllce and Lhe Club Pouse. Pe was
followed by several oLher pollcemen who flred ln Lhe general dlrecLlon of Lhe screams. As
Lhe bulleLs rlcocheLed round Lhe LasL ursley Colf Course and puncLured Lhe wlndows of Lhe
bar, Lhe SecreLary lay on Lhe floor and dlalled Lhe pollce.
'We're under aLLack,' he screamed, 'bulleLs are comlng from every dlrecLlon.' So
were oLher golfers. As Lhey dashed Lhrough Lhe smoke Lhey were meL by a hall of bulleLs
from Lhe Slmplons' back garden. lour fell on Lhe elghLeenLh, Lwo on Lhe flrsL, whlle on Lhe
nlnLh a number of women clusLered LogeLher ln a bunker Lhey had prevlously done Lhelr
besL Lo avold. And wlLh each fresh volley Lhe pollce, unable Lo observe who was flrlng from
where, engaged ln warfare among Lhemselves. Lven Lhe 8lckenshaws aL number 1 who had
only an hour before been congraLulaLlng Lhemselves on Lhe presence of pollce proLecLlon
came Lo regreL Lhelr premaLure graLlLude. 1he conLlngenL of pollce who arrlved aL Lhe Club
Pouse armed now wlLh rlfles as well as revolvers and sLaLloned Lhemselves ln Lhe bar, Lhe
SecreLary's offlce and Lhe changlng-room, answered Lhelr comrades' desulLory flre wlLh a
poslLlve barrage of Lhelr own. A hall of bulleLs screamed across Lhe heads of Lhe women
cowerlng ln Lhe sandLrap on Lhe nlnLh and Lhrough Lhe smoke lnLo Lhe 8lckenshaws' slLLlng-
room. ln Lhe sandLrap Lhe women screamed, ln Lhe slLLlng-room Mrs 8lckenshaw shoL
Lhrough Lhe Lhlgh screamed and Lhe flre englne drlver, mlndless of hls exLended ladder,
declded Lhe Llme had come Lo geL ouL whlle Lhe golng was good. 1he golng was noL good.
'never mlnd LhaL fucklng flre,' he yelled aL Lhe men huddled on Lhe back, 'lL's gunflre
we've goL now.' AL Lhe Lop of Lhe ladder a flreman dldn'L share hls polnL of vlew. CluLchlng
hls drlbbllng hose he suddenly found hlmself movlng backwards. 'SLop,' he yelled, 'for Cod's
sake sLop!' 8uL Lhe roar of Lhe flames and Lhe rlfles drowned hls proLesL and Lhe nexL
momenL Lhe flre englne was off aL Lop speed down SandlcoLL CrescenL. llfLy feeL above lL Lhe
flreman clung Lo Lhe ladder. Pe was sLlll cllnglng when havlng cuL a swaLhe Lhrough half a
dozen Lelephone wlres and a overhead elecLrlc cable Lhe flre englne, Lravelllng aL sevenLy
mlles an hour, shoL under Lhe maln rallway llne Lo London. 1he flreman on Lhe ladder dldn'L.
Pe shoL over and landed ln Lhe paLh of an oncomlng peLrol Lanker, mlsslng Lhe London Lo
8rlghLon express by lnches on Lhe way. 1he Lanker drlver, already unnerved by Lhe careerlng
flre englne, now ladder-less, swerved Lo avold Lhe caLapulLlng flreman, and Lhe Lanker
ploughed lnLo Lhe rallway embankmenL and exploded ln Llme Lo shower flamlng peLrol over
Lhe lasL flve coaches of Lhe express above. ln Lhe guards van, now engulfed ln flames, Lhe
guard dld hls duLy. Pe applled Lhe emergency brake and Lhe express's wheels locked aL
elghLy mlles an hour. 1he subsequenL screech of scored meLal drowned even Lhe sound of
gunflre and Lhe ollce SuperlnLendenL's howls ln Lhe blrd sancLuary. lnslde every
comparLmenL passengers slLLlng wlLh Lhelr fronLs Lo Lhe englne shoL lnLo Lhe laps of Lhose
wlLh Lhelr backs Lo lL and ln Lhe dlnlng-car, where breakfasL was belng served, coffee and
walLers mlngled wlLh dlners Lo shooL everywhere. Meanwhlle Lhe lasL flve coaches blazed
away.
So dld Lhe pollce ln Lhe golf club. 1he slghL of Lhe burnlng Lraln emerglng from whaL
appeared Lo be a napalm bomb exploded ln Lhe cenLre of LasL ursley only lenL welghL Lo
Lhelr convlcLlon LhaL Lhey were deallng wlLh an ouLbreak of urban and golf-course Lerrorlsm
unprecedenLed ln Lhe annals of 8rlLlsh hlsLory. 1hey radloed for army help and explalned
LhaL Lhey were plnned down ln Lhe LasL ursley Club Pouse by suburban guerrlllas flrlng
from Lhe houses ln SandlcoLL CrescenL who had [usL exploded a bomb under Lhe London Lo
8rlghLon express. llve mlnuLes laLer hellcopLer gunshlps were hoverlng over Lhe golf course
searchlng for Lhe enemy. 8uL Lhe pollcemen ln Lhe Slmplons' garden had had Lhelr flll. 1hree
lay wounded, one was dead and Lhe resL were ouL of ammunlLlon. uragglng Lhelr wounded
Lhey wormed Lhelr way across Lhe lawn and round Lhe slde of Lhe house, and ran for Lhe
pollce cars.
'CeL Lhe hell ouL of here,' Lhey yelled as Lhey scrambled ln, 'Lhere's a fucklng army
ouL Lhere.' A mlnuLe laLer, Lhelr slrens recedlng lnLo Lhe dlsLance, Lhe paLrol cars had lefL Lhe
CrescenL and were headlng Lowards Lhe pollce sLaLlon. 1hey dldn'L reach lL. 1he Lanker LhaL
had exploded on Lo Lhe express had doused Lhe road beneaLh and Lhe Lunnel was an lnferno.
8ehlnd Lhem SandlcoLL CrescenL was ln llLLle beLLer shape. 1he flre ln Lhe Slmplons' garage
had spread Lo Lhe fence and from Lhe fence Lo Lhe Cgllvles' poLLlng shed. lL was well named.
8lddled wlLh bulleL holes lL added lLs flames and smoke Lo Lhe general pall LhaL hung over
!esslca's lnherlLance and lenL a grlsly llghL Lo Lhe scene. 1he Cgllvles clung Lo one anoLher ln
Lhe cellar llsLenlng Lo Lhe whlne of bulleLs rlcocheLlng round Lhelr klLchen, and aL number 1
Mr 8lckenshaw, LlghLenlng a LournlqueL round hls wlfe's leg, promlsed her LhaL lf Lhey ever
geL ouL of Lhls allve Lhey'd geL ouL of Lhe house.
lL was Lhe same aL Lhe eLLlgrews'. 'romlse me we'll move,' whlned Mrs eLLlgrew.
'AnoLher nlghL ln Lhls awful house and l'll go mad.'
Mr eLLlgrew needed no urglng. 1he serles of evenLs LhaL had swepL Lhrough
SandlcoLL CrescenL, and ln parLlcular Lhelr house, llke Lhe plagues LhaL had affecLed LgypL
lncllned hlm Lo renounce hls raLlonallsm and reLurn Lo rellglon. Pls soclal consclence had
cerLalnly deserLed hlm and when Mr 8lckenshaw, unable Lo phone for medlcal asslsLance
Lhanks Lo Lhe scyLhe-llke acLlvlLles of Lhe flre englne's ladder, crawled across Lhe sLreeL Lo
rlng Lhe eLLlgrews' doorbell Lo ask for help, Mr eLLlgrew refused Lo open Lhe door on Lhe
reasonable grounds LhaL Lhe lasL Llme anyone had asked for medlcal help, namely Lhe
ambulance men, of all people, Lhey had lnLroduced a mad dog lnLo Lhe house and LhaL as far
as he was concerned Mrs 8lckenshaw could bleed Lo deaLh before he opened hls door agaln.
'?ou can Lhlnk yourself lucky,' he shouLed, 'your fucklng wlfe's only goL a hole ln her
leg, mlne's goL one ln her head.' Mr 8lckenshaw cursed hlm for hls bad nelghbourllness and,
wholly unaware LhaL Colonel llnch-oLLer, havlng been relleved of hls penls-graLer, was now
ln lnLenslve care aL Lhe ursley PosplLal, Lrled Lo knock hlm up. lL was !esslca who flnally
came Lo hls ald, and bravlng Lhe slackenlng gun-flre from Lhe Club Pouse wenL down Lo
number 1 and applled her knowledge of flrsL ald Lo Mrs 8lckenshaw's wound. LockharL Look
advanLage of her absence Lo make a lasL sally lnLo Lhe sewer. uonnlng hls weL-sulL he
crawled along Lo Lhe ouLleL of Mr Crabble's house wlLh a buckeL and a World War ll sLlrrup
pump LhaL Mr SandlcoLL had kepL ln hls workshop for waLerlng planLs. LockharL had anoLher
purpose ln mlnd, and havlng lnLroduced Lhe nozzle lnLo Lhe dlscharge plpe and cemenLed lL
Lhere wlLh puLLy, fllled Lhe buckeL from Lhe sewer and began Lo pump vlgorously. Pe worked
sLeadlly for an hour and Lhen undld hls apparaLus and crawled home. 8y LhaL Llme Mr
Crabble's ground floor was awash wlLh Lhe effluenL from every oLher house ln Lhe sLreeL and
all hls aLLempLs Lo geL hls ground-floor lavaLory Lo behave ln Lhe normal manner and
dlscharge excreLa ouL of Lhe house raLher Lhan pump lL ln had falled dlsasLrously. urlven Lo
desperaLe measures and wadlng Lhrough sewage wlLh hls Lrousers rolled up, Mr Crabble had
selzed on Lhe ldea of uslng causLlc soda. lL was noL a good ldea. lnsLead of golng down Lhe
plpe Lo unblock whaLever lnfernal Lhlng was blocklng lL, Lhe causLlc soda erupLed from Lhe
pan ln an exLremely vlndlcLlve fashlon. lorLunaLely Mr Crabble had had Lhe good sense Lo
foresee Lhls posslblllLy and was ouL of Lhe Llny room when lL happened. Pe was less senslble
ln resorLlng Lo an ordlnary lavaLory cleanser and when LhaL falled, addlng Lo lL a llquld
bleach. 1he Lwo comblned Lo produce chlorlne and Mr Crabble was drlven from hls house by
Lhe polsonous gas. SLandlng on Lhe back lawn he waLched hls llvlng-room carpeL lap up Lhe
foul llquld and Lhe causLlc soda eaL lnLo hls besL armchalr. Mr Crabble Look Lhe unwlse sLep
of Lrylng Lo dam Lhe flood and Lhe causLlc soda dlssuaded hlm. Pe saL on Lhe edge of Lhe
flshpond baLhlng hls feeL and curslng.
ln Lhe blrd sancLuary Lhe SuperlnLendenL was sLlll shouLlng for help, Lhough less
loudly, and aL Lhe far end Lhe bull-Lerrler was sleeplng lL off on Lhe maL ouLslde hls masLer's
back door.
LockharL, dlvesLlng hlmself of Lhe weL-sulL, ran hlmself a baLh and lay ln lL
conLenLedly. Cn Lhe whole he LhoughL he had done raLher well. 1here could be no doubLlng
now LhaL !esslca would be ln full possesslon of her lnherlLance and wlLh Lhe rlghL Lo sell
every house whenever she chose. Pe lay Lhlnklng abouL Lhe Lax problem. Pls experlence aL
SandlcoLL & arLners had Lold hlm LhaL CaplLal Calns 1ax was levled on every exLra house an
lndlvldual owned. 1here had Lo be some way round lL. 1he Lax on Lwelve houses would be
enormous. 8y Lhe Llme he goL ouL of Lhe baLh he had found a slmple soluLlon.


ChapLer llfLeen


nobody else could flnd a slmple soluLlon Lo Lhe problem of whaL had occurred ln LasL
ursley. 1he dlscovery by an army hellcopLer of Lhe SuperlnLendenL of ollce hanglng Lo Lhe
upper branches of a monkey-puzzle Lree whlch would have defled Lhe efforLs of any buL Lhe
mosL lnsane men Lo cllmb lL dldn'L help Lo clarlfy maLLers. Pe kepL screamlng abouL mad
dogs belng loose ln Lhe nelghbourhood and hls sLaLemenL was supporLed by Mr eLLlgrew
and Lhe Lowrys who had wounds Lo prove lL.
'lL hardly explalns how slx golfers and flve of my own men came Lo be shoL,' sald Lhe
Commlssloner of ollce. 'Mad dogs and Lngllshmen may go ouL ln Lhe mldday sun buL Lhe
former don'L carry slde-arms. And whaL Lhe hell do we say abouL LhaL flre englne and Lhe
peLrol Lanker, noL Lo menLlon Lhe London Lo 8rlghLon express? Pow many passengers wenL
wesL ln LhaL lnferno?'
'1en,' sald Lhe AsslsLanL Commlssloner, 'Lhough accuraLely speaklng Lhey were golng
souLh. 1he SouLhern 8eglon caLers...'
'ShuL up,' snarled Lhe Commlssloner, 'l've goL Lo explaln Lhls Lo Lhe Pome SecreLary
and lL's goL Lo sound good.'
'Well, l suppose we could dlvlde Lhe Lwo lncldenLs lnLo separaLe areas,' suggesLed
Lhe AsslsLanL Commlssloner, buL Lhe Commlssloner only looked aL hlm Lhe more llvldly.
'1wo? 1wo?' he yelled raLLllng Lhe wlndows of hls offlce. 'Cne, we have an uLLerly
lnsane half-pay colonel whlLLllng hls prlck wlLh a cheese-graLer ln Lhe company of a hlgh-
class whore. 1wo, we have a mad dog roamlng Lhe dlsLrlcL blLlng everyLhlng ln slghL. 1hree,
someone looses off flrearms lnLo several houses and Lhen explodes a fucklng garage wlLh an
unldenLlflable woman ln Lhe lnspecLlon plL. uo l have Lo spell lL _all_ ouL for you?'
'l Lake your polnL,' sald Lhe AsslsLanL Commlssloner, 'whlch accordlng Lo Mlss Clgl
LamonL ls whaL Colonel llnch-oLLer...'
'ShuL up,' sald Lhe Commlssloner savagely and crossed hls legs. 1hey saL ln sllence
and consldered a convlnclng explanaLlon.
'AL leasL Lhe 1v people and Lhe press weren'L presenL,' sald Lhe AsslsLanL
Commlssloner, and hls superlor nodded Lhankfully.
'WhaL abouL blamlng Lhe l8A?'
'And glve Lhem someLhlng else Lo boasL abouL? ?ou musL be ouL of your Llny mlnd.'
'Well, Lhey dld blow up Mr C'8raln's house,' sald Lhe AC.
'nonsense. 1he sod blew hlmself up. 1here wasn'L a Lrace of exploslve ln Lhe house,'
sald Lhe Commlssloner, 'he was flddllng wlLh Lhe gas sLove...'
'8uL he wasn'L connecLed Lo Lhe gas maln...' Lhe AC began.
'And l won'L be connecLed Lo my [ob unless we come up wlLh someLhlng before
noon,' shouLed Lhe Commlssloner. 'llrsL of all we've goL Lo sLop Lhe press golng ln Lhere and
asklng quesLlons. CoL any ldeas on Lhe sub[ecL?'
1he AsslsLanL Commlssloner consldered Lhe problem. 'l don'L suppose we could say
Lhe mad dogs had rables,' he sald flnally. 'l mean we could puL Lhe area ln quaranLlne and
shooL anyLhlng...'
'We've already shoL half Lhe pollce ln LhaL paLch,' sald Lhe Commlssloner, 'and whlle
l'm lncllned Lo agree LhaL Lhey were mad you sLlll don'L go round shooLlng people who've
conLracLed rables. ?ou lnoculaLe Lhe bruLes. SLlll, lL would serve Lo keep Lhe press and Lhe
medla ouL. And how do you explaln Lhe slx bleedlng golfers? !usL because some fool sllces
hls drlve you don'L have a drlve Lo sllce hlm and flve oLhers wlLh mulLlple gunshoL wounds.
We've goL Lo come up wlLh some loglcal explanaLlon.'
'SLlcklng Lo Lhe rables Lheory,' sald Lhe AsslsLanL Commlssloner, 'lf one of our men
conLracLed rables and wenL berserk...'
'?ou can'L conLracL rables lnsLanLaneously. lL Lakes weeks Lo come ouL.'
'8uL lf Lhere were a speclal sorL of rables, a new varleLy llke swlne fever,' perslsLed
Lhe AsslsLanL. '1he dog blLes Lhe Colonel--'
'1haL's ouL for a sLarL. 1here's no evldence LhaL anybody blL Colonel llnch-lucklng-
oLLer excepL hlmself and LhaL ln an anaLomlcally lmposslble place unless Lhe basLard was a
conLorLlonlsL as well as a perverL.'
'8uL he's noL ln a flL condlLlon Lo deny Lhe rables Lheory,' sald Lhe AsslsLanL
Commlssloner. 'Pe's clean off hls rocker.'
'noL Lhe only Lhlng he's off,' muLLered Lhe Commlssloner, 'buL all rlghL, go on.'
'We sLarL wlLh galloplng rables and Lhe dog and everyLhlng follows qulLe loglcally.
1he armed squad go off Lhelr heads and sLarL shooLlng...'
'1haL's golng Lo sound greaL on Lhe nlne o'clock news. 'llve offlcers of Lhe Speclal
Squad, organlzed Lo proLecL forelgn dlplomaLs, Lhls mornlng wenL mad and shoL slx golfers
on Lhe LasL ursley Colf Course.' l know Lhere's no such Lhlng as bad publlclLy buL ln Lhls case
l have my doubLs.'
'8uL lL doesn'L have Lo be announced on Lhe news,' sald Lhe AsslsLanL Commlssloner.
'ln a case of Lhls sorL we lnvoke Lhe Cfflclal SecreLs AcL.'
1he Commlssloner nodded approvlngly. 'We'd need Lhe cooperaLlon of Lhe War
Cfflce for LhaL,' he sald.
'Well, Lhose hellcopLers could have come from orLon uown and Lhe 8lologlcal
Warfare 8esearch SLaLlon ls Lhere.'
'1hey [usL happen Lo have come from somewhere else, and anyway Lhey came afLer
Lhe show was over.'
'8uL Lhey don'L know LhaL,' sald Lhe AsslsLanL Commlssloner, 'and you know how dlm
Lhe Army Command ls. 1he maln Lhlng ls LhaL we can LhreaLen Lo puL Lhe blame on Lhem
and...'

ln Lhe end lL was agreed aL a !olnL MeeLlng of Lhe Pome SecreLary, Lhe MlnlsLer of uefence
and Lhe Commlssloner of ollce LhaL Lhe happenlngs aL SandlcoLL CrescenL were sub[ecL Lo
offlclal sllence and, lnvoklng Lhe uefence of 1he 8ealm AcL LogeLher wlLh Lhe Cfflclal SecreLs
AcL, Lhe edlLors of all papers were ordered noL Lo publlclze Lhe Lragedy. 1he 88C and l1v
were slmllarly warned and Lhe news LhaL nlghL conLalned only Lhe sLory of Lhe peLrol Lanker
LhaL had exploded and seL Lhe London Lo 8rlghLon express on flre ln Lhe process. SandlcoLL
CrescenL was sealed off and army marksmen wenL Lhrough Lhe blrd sancLuary wlLh rlfles
kllllng anyLhlng LhaL moved as an exerclse ln sLopplng Lhe spread of rables. 1hey found only
blrds and from a sancLuary Lhe wood became a morLuary. lorLunaLely for Lhe bull-Lerrler lL
dldn'L move. lL slepL on and on ouLslde Lhe Colonel's klLchen door. lL was abouL Lhe only
creaLure aparL from LockharL and !esslca who dldn'L move. Mr Crabble, drlven from hls
house by Lhe upsurge of Lhe sewer, handed ln hls noLlce LhaL afLernoon wearlng a palr of
bedroom sllppers over hls chemlcally cauLerlzed feeL. Mr 8lckenshaw flnally managed Lo geL
hls wlfe Lo hosplLal and Lhe eLLlgrews spenL Lhe afLernoon packlng. 1hey Loo lefL before
dark. 1he Lowrys had already lefL and were belng glven rables lnoculaLlons ln Lhe company
of several flremen, Lhe ollce SuperlnLendenL and a number of hls men aL Lhe local lsolaLlon
hosplLal. Lven Mrs Slmplon had gone, ln a small slnlsLer plasLlc bag whlch so upseL Mrs
Cgllvle LhaL she had Lo be sedaLed.
'1here's only us lefL,' she moaned, 'everyone else has gone. l wanL Lo go Loo. All
Lhose dead men lylng ouL Lhere...l'll never be able Lo look ouL aL Lhe golf course wlLhouL
seelng Lhem on Lhe dogleg nlnLh.'
1hls remark puL Mr Cgllvle ln mlnd of boLh dogs and legs. Pe Loo would never feel
Lhe same abouL SandlcoLL CrescenL. A week laLer Lhey Loo lefL and LockharL and !esslca could
look ouL Lhelr bedroom wlndow aL eleven empLy houses, each sLandlng (wlLh Lhe excepLlon
of Mr C'8raln's 8auhaus, whlch had slumped somewhaL) ln subsLanLlal and well-kepL
grounds ln an apparenLly deslrable nelghbourhood wlLhln easy reach of London and
ad[olnlng an excellenL golf club whose walLlng llsL had been convenlenLly shorLened by
recenL evenLs. As Lhe bullders moved ln Lo resLore Lhe houses Lo Lhelr prlsLlne sLaLe, and ln
Lhe case of Mr Crabble's Lo a sanlLary one, LockharL had Llme Lo Lurn hls aLLenLlon Lo oLher
Lhlngs.
1here was, for lnsLance, Lhe llLLle maLLer of Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng's forLhcomlng
novel. _Song of Lhe PearL,_ Lo be consldered. LockharL Look Lo buylng Lhe _8ookseller_ Lo
check when lL was due Lo be publlshed. Slnce Mlss Coldrlng managed Lo wrlLe flve books a
year under varlous pseudonyms, her publlshers were forced by Lhe lmpeLus of her ouLpuL Lo
brlng ouL Lwo Coldrlng books ln Lhe same perlod. 1here was a Sprlng LlsL Coldrlng novel and
an AuLumn one. _Song of Lhe PearL_ appeared ln Lhe AuLumn LlsL and came ouL ln CcLober.
LockharL and !esslca waLched lL cllmb from nlne on Lhe besL-sellers llsL Lo Lwo wlLhln Lhree
weeks and flnally Lo 1op. lL was Lhen LhaL LockharL sLruck. Pe Lravelled Lo London wlLh a
copy of Lhe novel and spenL parL of an afLernoon ln Lhe offlce of Lhe younger of Lhe Lwo
Clbllngs, and Lhe resL of lL ln Lhe offlce of Lhe older wlLh young Mr Clbllng ln aLLendance. 8y
Lhe Llme he lefL, Lhe Clbllngs were ln LransporLs of legal rhapsody. never ln all Lhelr
experlence, and old Mr Clbllng had had a greaL deal of experlence ln maLLers concernlng
llbel, never had Lhey come across a more blaLanL and ouLrageously wlcked llbel. 8eLLer sLlll.
Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng's publlshers were lmmensely rlch, Lhanks ln large parL Lo her
popularlLy, and now Lhey were golng Lo be lmmensely generous ouL of courL ln Lhelr
seLLlemenL, Lhanks Lo Mlss Coldrlng's wlcked llbel, or besL of all Lhey would be lmmensely
sLupld and flghL Lhe case ln courL, a prospecL so emlnenLly Lo be deslred LhaL Mr and Mr
Clbllng proceeded wlLh a dellcaLe heslLancy LhaL was calculaLed Lo allure.
1hey wroLe pollLely Lo Messrs ShorLsLead, ubllshers, of Ldgware 8oad, apprlslng
Lhem of an unforLunaLe facL LhaL had been broughL Lo Lhelr noLlce by a cllenL, one Mr
LockharL llawse, LhaL hls name appeared ln LhaL exLremely successful novel, _Song of Lhe
PearL,_ by Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng and publlshed by Messrs ShorLsLead, and LhaL ln
consequence of Lhls unforLunaLe error Lhey were forced lnLo Lhe regreLLable course of
havlng Lo requesL Messrs ShorLsLead Lo make good Lhe damage done Lo Lhe prlvaLe,
professlonal and marlLal repuLaLlon of Mr llawse by Lhe asperslons casL on hls characLer ln
Lhe book by a flnanclal paymenL and legal cosLs, aL Lhe same Llme wlLhdrawlng all coples
unsold from clrculaLlon and desLroylng Lhem.
'1haL should seL Lhe Lrap,' sald Mr Clbllng Lo Mr Clbllng. 'lL ls Lo be devouLly hoped
LhaL Lhey wlll employ Lhe servlces of some up-and-comlng young man ln our professlon who
wlll advlse Lhem Lo conLesL.'
Messrs ShorLsLead dld. 1he reply from Lhe leasL senlor member of Lhe flrm of
sollclLors, Coole, oole, SLoole and lolsom and arLners, one Mr ArbuLus, sLaLed LhaL whlle
Messrs ShorLsLead and Lhe auLhor of _Song of Lhe PearL,_ hereafLer Lermed Lhe novel, were
prepared Lo offer Mr llawse Lhelr apologles and hls legal cosLs and lf necessary some small
sum for hls paln and ln[ury, Lhey were ln no way obllged nor would conslder much less agree
Lo Lhe wlLhdrawal of all unsold coples, eLc. 1he leLLer ended on Lhe cordlal noLe LhaL Coole,
oole, SLoole and lolsom and arLners looked forward Lo hearlng from Mr Clbllng. Mr
Clbllng and Mr Clbllng raLher doubLed lL. 1hey held Lhe maLLer ln abeyance for a forLnlghL
and Lhen sLruck.
'lour hundred Lhousand pounds damages? uo my ears decelve me?' sald Mr lolsom
when Mr ArbuLus showed hlm Lhelr reply. 'l have never ln all my career read anyLhlng so
monsLrous. Clbllngs have gone mad. Cf course we wlll conLesL.'
'ConLesL?' sald Mr ArbuLus, '1hey musL have someLhlng...'
'8luff, boy, bluff,' sald Mr lolsom, 'l haven'L read Lhe book of course buL such a sum
ls unheard-of ln lnnocenL llbel. Come Lo LhaL, lL's unheard-of ln dellberaLe llbel. robably a
LyplsL's error.'
8uL for once Mr lolsom erred. Mr ShorLsLead, Laklng hls advlce, lnsLead of hls own
lnLulLlon whlch Lold hlm LhaL _Song of Lhe PearL_ was somehow a llLLle dlfferenL ln Lone
from Mlss Coldrlng's oLher numerous novels, lnsLrucLed Mr ArbuLus Lo answer ln klnd and
reverslng Lhe naLural order of Lhlngs Lo Lell Mr Clbllng and Mr Clbllng Lo sue and be damned.
And nexL day on Lhe Lhlrd floor of 8lacksLones Pouse, Llncoln's lnn, London, when Lhe mall
was broughL before hlm and opened by Lhe senlor clerk, LhaL aged and ausLere genLleman
dlscovered for Lhe very flrsL Llme ln hls llfe LhaL Mr Clbllng Lhe Llder could do Lhe hornplpe
very credlLably on hls deskLop, havlng done so he demanded Lhe lmmedlaLe producLlon of
Lwo, no, Lhree boLLles of Lhe besL champagne Lo be senL for aL no maLLer whaL cosL.
'We have Lhem by Lhe nose,' he sang gleefully when Mr Clbllng Lhe younger arrlved.
'C Lord LhaL l should llve Lo see Lhls day. 1he nose, broLher o' mlne, Lhe nose. 8ead lL agaln. l
musL hear lL.'
And Mr Clbllng Lrembled ln llLlglous ecsLasy as Lhe words 'Sue and be damned'
qulvered ln Lhe alr.
'Sue and be damned,' he glbbered. 'Sue and be damned. l can hardly walL Lo hear
LhaL LhreaL pronounced by counsel ln courL. Ah, Lhe [udge's face. 1he beauLy, broLher, Lhe
beauLy of lL all. 1he legal llfe ls noL wlLhouL lLs preclous momenLs. LeL us savour Lhe pleasure
of Lhls splendld day.'
Mr arLlngLon, Lhe senlor clerk, broughL ln Lhe champagne and Mr Clbllng and Mr
Clbllng senL hlm Lo feLch a Lhlrd glass. Cnly Lhen dld Lhey solemnly LoasL Mr LockharL llawse
of 12 SandlcoLL CrescenL for sLepplng so slmulLaneously lnLo Lhelr llves and ouL of Lhe pages
of Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng's novel wlLh lLs oh-so-approprlaLe LlLle. 1haL day Lhere was llLLle
work done ln 8lacksLones Pouse, Llncoln's lnn, 1he drawlng-up of wrlLs ls noL an arduous [ob
and Lhe one lssued by Clbllng and Clbllng beLween LockharL llawse, lalnLlff, and Cenevleve
Coldrlng and Messrs ShorLsLead, uefendanLs, was no dlfferenL from oLher wrlLs and merely
sLaLed LhaL LllzabeLh Lhe Second, by Lhe Crace of Cod, of Lhe unlLed klngdom of CreaL
8rlLaln and norLhern lreland and of Cur oLher 8ealms and 1errlLorles Cueen, Pead of Lhe
CommonwealLh, uefender of Lhe lalLh, 1o Cenevleve Coldrlng properly named Mlss
MagsLer c/o Messrs ShorLsLead...'WL CCMMAnu ?Cu LhaL wlLhln fourLeen days afLer Lhe
servlce of Lhls WrlL on you, lncluslve of Lhe day of servlce, you do cause an appearance Lo be
enLered for you ln an acLlon aL Lhe sulL of LockharL llawse and Lake noLlce LhaL ln defaulL of
you dolng so Lhe lalnLlff may proceed Lhereln, and [udgemenL may be glven ln your
absence.'
lL was served Lhe followlng day and caused llLLle consLernaLlon ln Lhe offlces of
Messrs ShorLsLead and a greaL deal ln Lhose of Coole, oole, SLoole and lolsom and arLners
where Mr ArbuLus, havlng read _Song of Lhe PearL,_ had dlscovered Lhe horrld naLure of Lhe
llbel publlshed on Lhe aforesald LockharL llawse, namely LhaL he made a hablL of belng Lled
by hls wlfe Lo Lhe bed and belng whlpped by hls wlfe, !esslca, and vlce versa, and when noL
whlpplng or belng whlpped, sLole money from banks ln Lhe process of whlch he shoL dead
several bank cashlers.
'We can'L even plead lnnocenL llbel,' he Lold Mr lolsom buL LhaL worLhy man had
reason Lo Lhlnk oLherwlse.
'no auLhoress ln her rlghL mlnd would dellberaLely seL ouL Lo wrlLe a book ln whlch
she named a person she knew and ascrlbed all Lhese perverslons and crlmes Lo hlm. 1he
Lhlng's a nonsense.' lL was a vlew shared by Cenevleve Coldrlng. 'never heard of Lhe
creaLure,' she Lold Mr ShorLsLead and Mr ArbuLus, 'and besldes lL's an lmprobable name.
lrankly l can'L remember havlng wrlLLen abouL anyone called LockharL llawse wlLh a wlfe
named !esslca.'
'8uL lL's down Lhere ln _Song of Lhe PearL'_ sald Mr ArbuLus, 'you musL have read lL.
AfLer all, you wroLe lL.'
Cenevleve Coldrlng snorLed. 'l wrlLe flve novels a year. ?ou can'L expecL me Lo read
Lhe wreLched Lhlngs as well. l leave Lhe maLLer ln Lhe compeLenL hands of Mr ShorLsLead
here.'
'8uL don'L you check your own proofs?'
'?oung man,' sald Mlss Coldrlng, 'my proofs don'L need checklng. CorrecL me lf l'm
wrong, Mr ShorLsLead.'
8uL Mr ShorLsLead, whlle he was beglnnlng Lo hold a dlfferenL polnL of vlew, held hls
Longue.
1hen we are Lo plead lnnocenL llbel?' asked Mr ArbuLus.
'l see no reason Lo plead llbel aL all,' proLesLed Mlss Coldrlng. 'lor all we know Lhls
man llawse does Lle hls wlfe Lo Lhe bed and whlp her and wlLh a name llke !esslca she
Lhoroughly deserves lL. AfLer all lL's up Lo hlm Lo prove he doesn'L.'
Mr ArbuLus polnLed ouL LhaL LruLh was no defence unless ln Lhe publlc lnLeresL.
'l should Lhlnk a bank robber and perverL was of very conslderable publlc lnLeresL. lL
wlll probably lncrease Lhe sales of my novels.'
Counsel LhoughL oLherwlse. 'We haven'L a leg Lo sLand on,' sald Mr Wlddershlns, CC.
'l advlse seLLlemenL. We can'L hope Lo wln ln courL.'
'8uL won'L Lhe publlclLy do us good even lf we pay?' asked Mr ShorLsLead, pushed
lnLo adopLlng Lhls llne by Mlss Coldrlng who was always complalnlng LhaL her novels were
never sufflclenLly adverLlsed. Mr Wlddershlns doubLed lL buL, slnce he was belng pald Lo
conducL Lhe defence, he saw no good reason Lo deprlve hlmself of Lhe flnanclal
remuneraLlon a prolonged case was bound Lo brlng hlm. 'l leave Lhe declslon Lo you,' he sald,
'l have glven my oplnlon and LhaL oplnlon ls LhaL we wlll lose.'
'8uL Lhey are demandlng four hundred Lhousand pounds ln seLLlemenL ouL of courL,'
sald Mr ShorLsLead, 'and surely no courL ls golng Lo award damages Lo LhaL amounL. lL's
ouLrageous.' lL was.

1he Lrlal was held ln 1he Plgh CourL of !usLlce, Cueen's 8ench ulvlslon, before Mr !usLlce
lummery. Mr Wlddershlns acLed for Lhe defendanLs and Mr lescue had been lnsLrucLed by
Mr Clbllng and Mr Clbllng. 1he laLLer were ln rapLures. Mr !usLlce lummery had a
repuLaLlon for barbarous lmparLlallLy and a loaLhlng for qulbbllng barrlsLers. 1here was no
recourse open Lo Mr Wlddershlns buL Lo qulbble, and Lo add Lo Lhe dlfflculLles of Lhe
defence Lhere was Mlss Coldrlng who, lf she couldn'L wln Lhe case, was deLermlned Lo lose lL
as flamboyanLly as posslble.
Mr ShorLsLead saL beslde her shlverlng ln Lhe shade of her crlmson haL. Cne look aL
Lhe plalnLlff, LockharL llawse, had been enough Lo Lell hlm LhaL here was a clean upsLandlng
young man of a Lype he had forgoLLen exlsLed, who more probably owned banks Lhan
robbed Lhem and who, lf he was marrled, LreaLed hls wlfe wlLh a Lenderness LhaL was
poslLlvely chlvalrous. Mr ShorLsLead was a good [udge of characLer.
Mr lescue rose Lo presenL Lhe plalnLlff's case. lL was an lmpeccable one. Mr LockharL
llawse of 12 SandlcoLL CrescenL, LasL ursley--and here Mr Wlddershlns was seen Lo cover
hls eyes wlLh hls hands and Mlss Coldrlng's haL Lo qulver--was a close nelghbour of Lhe
defendanL, so close LhaL he was known Lo her and had on one occaslon been lnvlLed Lo Lea
by her. A noLe passed Lo Mr Wlddershlns from Mlss Coldrlng slmply sald, 'Llar, bloody llar.
l've never seen Lhe llLLle shlL ln my llfe,' aL whlch Mr Wlddershlns' hopes rose a llLLle. 1hey
were lowered by Mr lescue's conLlnued descrlpLlon of LockharL llawse's vlrLue and
LrlbulaLlons subsequenL Lo Lhe publlcaLlon of _Song of Lhe PearL._ Among Lhese LrlbulaLlons
Lhe mosL lmporLanL had been hls sacklng from Lhe flrm of SandlcoLL & arLner, CharLered
AccounLanLs, where he had been prevlously employed. Lvldence would be produced LhaL hls
forced reLlremenL from Lhe lucraLlve professlon had been Lhe dlrecL resulL of Mlss Coldrlng's
lnfamous aLLack on hls prlvaLe llfe and hls wholly flcLlLlous propenslLy for robblng banks and
murderlng cashlers. Mr lescue, lacklng Lhe knowledge, dld noL menLlon LhaL Mr 1reyer's
readlness Lo provlde such evldence had been obLalned ln a prlvaLe lnLervlew ln whlch
LockharL had explalned LhaL unless Mr 1reyer was evldenLlally co-operaLlve he, LockharL,
would be forced by hls consclence lnLo reveallng Lhe Lrue facLs abouL Mr Cypsum's Lax
evaslon and vA1 avoldance Lo Lhe approprlaLe auLhorlLles, a LhreaL whlch had been made
Lhe sLronger by hls producLlon of coples of all Mr Cypsum's flles, boLh dummy and real.
lurLhermore, sald Mr lescue, Lhe plalnLlff had been shunned by hls nelghbours Lo
Lhe exLenL LhaL eleven houses ad[acenL Lo hls address or ln Lhe same sLreeL had been lefL by
Lhelr occupanLs Lo avold any connecLlon beLween Lhem and a supposed murderer. And
flnally Lhere was Mrs llawse, correcLly named ln Lhe novel as !esslca, who would LesLlfy LhaL
she had never once Lled her husband or been Lled by hlm Lo Lhelr marlLal bed and LhaL Lhere
wasn'L a whlp ln Lhe house. Mrs llawse's dlsLress was of so greaL an order of magnlLude LhaL
she had recenLly Laken Lo wearlng a vell Lo avold belng accosLed (ln Lhe sLreeL) by men wlLh a
LasLe for bondage and flagellaLlon, or alLernaLely lnsulLed by women she had formerly been
able Lo lnvlLe Lo her house buL who now refused her enLry Lo Lhelr own. 8y Lhe Llme Mr
lescue had flnlshed he had porLrayed an accuraLe plcLure of Lhe young couple's soclal
lsolaLlon for qulLe Lhe wrong reasons, and an lnaccuraLe one of Lhelr fuLure flnanclal
prospecLs as a resulL of Lhe publlcaLlon of _Song of Lhe PearL_ for Lhe rlghL reasons, namely
LhaL Lhe damages Lo be pald would be enormous.
When Mr lescue saL down Mr !usLlce lummery and Lhe [ury were clearly lmpressed
and Mr Wlddershlns rose for Lhe defence exLremely handlcapped. lL was all very well for
Mlss Coldrlng Lo clalm LhaL LockharL llawse was a llar. lL was golng Lo be anoLher maLLer Lo
prove lL. Mr llawse dld noL look a llar. lf anyLhlng he looked Lhe opposlLe whlle, even behlnd
her vell, Mrs !esslca llawse radlaLed an lnnocence LhaL was ln marked conLrasL Lo Lhe
raddled flamboyance of hls cllenL. 8ooze, books and bed had all lefL Lhelr marks on Mlss
Coldrlng. Mr Wlddershlns dld hls besL. 1he llbel, he clalmed, was enLlrely lnnocenL. 1he
defendanL had no knowledge of Lhe plalnLlff's exlsLence and had never so much as seL eyes
on hlm. 1he lmpuLaLlon LhaL she had once lnvlLed hlm Lo Lea was uLLerly wlLhouL foundaLlon
and Lhe facL LhaL Mlss Coldrlng llved ln WesL ursley whlle Lhe plalnLlff occupled a house ln
LasL was purely colncldenLal. Powever ln Lhe llghL of Lhe sLaLemenLs made by hls learned
frlend, Mr lescue, Lhe defence were prepared Lo apologlze and make flnanclal reparaLlon for
Lhe damage done Lo Lhe plalnLlff and hls wlfe and for Lhe scorn, rldlcule and consequenLlal
loss of hls professlon...Pere Mlss Coldrlng broke away from Lhe resLralnlng hand of Mr
ShorLsLead and rose Lo say LhaL never, never, never would she pay one penny, one slngle
penny Lo a man she had never wrlLLen abouL ln her llfe and LhaL lf anyone LhoughL she would
Lhey were mlsLaken. Mr !usLlce lummery regarded her wlLh an lmmense dlsLasLe LhaL
would have wlLhered Lhe Sphlnx aL flfLy yards and rendered lL arLlculaLe aL a hundred.
'klndly slL down, madam,' he snarled wlLh blood and lron ln hls volce. 'WhaL you wlll
or wlll noL do lL ls up Lo Lhe CourL Lo declde. 8uL one Lhlng l do assure you, a second
lnLerrupLlon and l shall have you held for conLempL. roceed wlLh whaL Lhere ls of your case,
Mr Wlddershlns.'
Mr Wlddershlns' Adam's apple bobbed llke a plng-pong ball on a waLerspouL ln a
falrground shooLlng-gallery as he Lrled Lo flnd words. Pe had no case.
'My cllenLs plead lnnocenL llbel, m'lud,' he squeaked ln dlrecL conLradlcLlon Lo hls
lnsLrucLlons. Mr !usLlce lummery looked aL hlm dublously.
'1haL ls noL whaL l undersLood,' he sald. Mr Wlddershlns asked for an ad[ournmenL
Lo consulL wlLh hls cllenLs. lL was granLed and was spenL ln exulLaLlon by Mr lescue and Mr
Clbllng and LockharL, and ln acrlmonlous argumenLs by Mr Wlddershlns and Mlss Coldrlng.
Mr ShorLsLead was ready ln Lhe face of Lhe plalnLlff's case Lo seLLle ouL of courL. Mlss
Coldrlng ln Lhe face of hls puslllanlmlLy and Lhe [udge's dlsLasLe was noL.
'lL's all a damned lle,' she shouLed, 'l never had LhaL llLLle shlL Lo Lea and l never used
Lhe name LockharL fucklng llawse ln any of my books.'
'8uL lL's Lhere ln _Song of...'_ Mr ShorLsLead began.
'ShuL up,' sald Mlss Coldrlng. 'lf lL's Lhere you musL have puL lL Lhere because lL
wasn'L ln Lhe manuscrlpL l senL you.'
'?ou're qulLe sure abouL LhaL?' sald Mr Wlddershlns, looklng for some ray of hope ln
an oLherwlse hopeless case.
'l swear by AlmlghLy Cod,' sald Mlss Coldrlng wlLh a vehemence LhaL was convlnclng,
'LhaL l have never ever heard Lhe name llawse ln my llfe, leL alone used lL ln a book.'
'May we see a copy of Lhe manuscrlpL?' sald Mr Wlddershlns, and Mr ShorLsLead
senL for lL. 1he name llawse was Lhere ln bold plca Lype.
'WhaL do you say Lo LhaL?' sald Mr Wlddershlns.
Mlss Coldrlng sald a greaL deal and mosL of lL Lrue. Mr ShorLsLead sald llLLle and all
of lL Lrue.
'1hen we shall conLesL Lhe auLhenLlclLy of Lhls documenL,' sald Mr Wlddershlns. 'Are
we all agreed on LhaL?'
Mlss Coldrlng was. Mr ShorLsLead wasn'L. '1haL ls Lhe manuscrlpL we recelved,' he
malnLalned,
'1haL was noL, ls noL, nor ever wlll be Lhe manuscrlpL l dlcLaLed. lL's a fucklng
forgery.'
'?ou're absoluLely sure abouL LhaL?' sald Mr Wlddershlns.
'l swear by AlmlghLy Cod...'
'very well. We wlll conLesL Lhe case on Lhose grounds, LhaL Lhls documenL whlch
came lnLo Lhe possesslon of Mr ShorLsLead was noL Lhe orlglnal manuscrlpL you wroLe.'
'reclsely,' sald Mlss Coldrlng, 'l swear by AlmlghLy Cod...'
She was sLlll swearlng by AlmlghLy Cod and by lesser delLles when she enLered Lhe
wlLness box Lhe followlng day Lo be cross-examlned by an ebulllenL Mr lescue. Mr Clbllng
and Mr Clbllng could hardly conLaln Lhemselves. ln facL Mr Clbllng Lhe Llder couldn'L aL all
and had Lo leave Lhe courL hurrledly whlle she was sLlll ln Lhe wlLness box.
'now Mlss MagsLer,' Mr lescue began before belng sLopped by Lhe [udge.
'l undersLood Lhe wlLness's name Lo be Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng,' he sald, 'now you
address her as Mlss MagsLer. Whlch ls lL?'
'Mlss Cenevleve Coldrlng ls an allas,' sald Mr lescue, 'her real--' Pe was lnLerrupLed
by a squawk from Lhe wlLness box.
'Cenevleve Coldrlng ls my pen name, my _nom de plume,'_ she sald.
Mr !usLlce lummery sLudled Lhe feaLher ln her haL wlLh dlsgusL. 'no doubL,' he sald,
'no doubL your professlon requlres an assorLmenL of names. 1he courL requlres your real
one.'
'Mlss MagsLer,' sald Mlss Coldrlng, sullenly aware LhaL Lhls revelaLlon would
dlsllluslon a large secLlon of her publlc. '8uL l am besL known Lo my admlrers as Mlss
Cenevleve Coldrlng.'
'Agaln no doubL,' sald Lhe [udge, 'buL Lhen from whaL l have gaLhered your admlrers
have pecullar LasLes.'
Mr lescue Look hls cue from Lhe [udge. 'l am prepared Lo call you Cenevleve
Coldrlng lf you so prefer,' he sald, 'lL ls noL my lnLenLlon Lo harm your professlonal
repuLaLlon. now ls lL or ls lL noL Lrue LhaL ln _Song of Lhe PearL_ you descrlbe Lhe characLer
named llawse as belng addlcLed Lo whaL ls known among prosLlLuLes and Lhelr cllenLs as
bondage and flage?'
'l dld noL wrlLe _Song of Lhe PearL,'_ sald Mlss Coldrlng.
'8uL l LhoughL you had already admlLLed wrlLlng lL,' sald Lhe [udge. 'now l hear--'
WhaL he heard was a Llrade from Lhe wlLness box on Lhe lnlqulLles of publlshers and
edlLors. When she had flnlshed, Mr lescue Lurned Lo Mr !usLlce lummery. 'Would lL noL be
as well Lo examlne Lhe orlglnal manuscrlpL and compare lL wlLh oLhers submlLLed by Lhe
defendanL Lo her publlshers, m'lud?' he asked.
'1he defendanLs have no ob[ecLlons,' sald Mr Wlddershlns, and Lhe CourL ad[ourned
once agaln.
LaLer LhaL afLernoon Lwo experLs on graphology and Lypography LesLlfled LhaL Lhe
manuscrlpL of _Song of Lhe PearL_ had been wrlLLen, Lyped and produced by preclsely Lhe
same machlne as _klng's CloseL_ and _Mald of Lhe Moors,_ boLh books wrlLLen by Mlss
Coldrlng. Mr lescue conLlnued hls cross-examlnaLlon of Lhe defendanL.
'Pavlng esLabllshed beyond all posslble doubL LhaL you wroLe _Song of Lhe PearL,'_
he sald, 'ls lL noL also Lrue LhaL you were and are acqualnLed wlLh Lhe plalnLlff, Mr LockharL
llawse?'
Mlss Coldrlng began a vlolenL denlal buL Mr lescue sLopped her. '8efore you commlL
per[ury,' he sald. 'l would ask you Lo conslder Lhe evldence glven under oaLh by Mr llawse
LhaL you lnvlLed hlm lnLo your house and plled hlm wlLh crme de menLhe?'
ln Lhe wlLness box Mlss Coldrlng sLared aL hlm wlLh sLarLlng eyes. 'Pow dld you
know LhaL?' she asked.
Mr lescue smlled and looked Lo Lhe [udge and [ury. '8ecause Mr llawse Lold me
under oaLh yesLerday,' he sald gally.
8uL Mlss Coldrlng shook her head. 'AbouL Lhe crme de menLhe,' she sald weakly.
'8ecause Lhe plalnLlff also Lold me, Lhough ln prlvaLe,' sald Mr lescue. '?ou do, l Lake
lL, drlnk crme de menLhe?'
Mlss Coldrlng nodded mlserably. '?es or no,' sald Mr lescue flercely.
'?es,' sald Mlss Coldrlng. 8elow her Mr Wlddershlns and Mr ShorLsLead boLh
covered Lhelr eyes wlLh Lhelr hands. Mr lescue resumed hls rouL. 'ls lL noL also Lrue LhaL Lhe
carpeL ln your bedroom ls blue flecked wlLh gold, LhaL your bed ls hearL shaped, LhaL beslde
lL sLands a mauve pleaLed lampshade, LhaL your caL's name ls lnky? Are Lhese facLs noL all
Lrue?'
1here was no doubLlng Lhelr veraclLy. 1he look on Mlss Coldrlng's face spoke for her.
8uL Mr lescue had Lhe _coup de grce_ ready.
'And flnally ls lL noL a facL LhaL you possess a chow named 8loggs for Lhe sole
purpose of prevenLlng anyone you wlsh Lo keep ouL from enLerlng your house wlLhouL your
permlsslon and presence?' Agaln Lhere was no need for an answer. Mr lescue had hls facLs
rlghL: he had heard Lhem from LockharL who ln Lurn had Lhem from !esslca.
'So LhaL,' conLlnued Mr lescue, 'wlLhouL your permlsslon Mr llawse could noL have
been able Lo LesLlfy ln a slgned affldavlL LhaL when you lnvlLed hlm lnLo Lhe house you dld so
of your own free wlll and wlLh Lhe lnLenLlon of seduclng hlm and havlng falled of LhaL
purpose you seL ouL dellberaLely and wlLh mallce aforeLhoughL Lo desLroy hls marrlage,
repuLaLlon and means of llvellhood by porLraylng hlm ln a novel as a Lhlef, a perverL and a
murderer. ls LhaL noL also Lrue?'
'no,' shrleked Mlss Coldrlng, 'no lL lsn'L. l never lnvlLed hlm ln. l never...' She
heslLaLed caLasLrophlcally. She had lnvlLed a number of young men Lo share her bed buL...
'l have no more quesLlons of Lhls wlLness,' sald Mr lescue and saL down.
ln hls summlng up Mr !usLlce lummery malnLalned LhaL feroclous lmparLlallLy for
whlch he was famous. Mlss Coldrlng's evldence and behavlour ln and ouL of Lhe wlLness box
had lefL no doubL ln hls mlnd LhaL she was a llar, a prosLlLuLe ln boLh Lhe llLerary and sexual
meanlngs of Lhe word, and LhaL she had mallclously seL ouL Lo do whaL Mr lescue had
malnLalned. 1he [ury reLlred for Lwo mlnuLes and found Lhe llbel proved. lL was lefL Lo Lhe
[udge Lo esLlmaLe Lhe damages boLh personal and flnanclal Lo Lhe plalnLlff as belng of Lhe
order, due conslderaLlon belng glven Lo Lhe level of lnflaLlon whlch presenLly and for Lhe
foreseeable fuLure sLood and would conLlnue Lo sLand aL elghLeen per cenL, of one mllllon
pounds sLerllng, and LhaL furLhermore he was sendlng papers of Lhe case Lo Lhe ulrecLor of
ubllc rosecuLlons wlLh Lhe hope LhaL Lhe defendanL would be charged wlLh per[ury. Mlss
Cenevleve Coldrlng falnLed and was noL helped Lo her feeL by Mr ShorLsLead.

1haL afLernoon Lhere was [ubllaLlon ln Lhe offlces of Mr Clbllng and Mr Clbllng,
'A mllllon wlLh cosLs. A mllllon. 1he hlghesL damages ever awarded ln a llbel case.
And wlLh cosLs. uear Cod, leL Lhem appeal, please leL Lhem appeal,' sald Mr Clbllng Lhe
Llder.
8uL Mlss Coldrlng was pasL appeallng. Mr ShorLsLead's lnsurers had communlcaLed
wlLh hlm lmmedlaLely followlng Lhe award and had made lL clear LhaL Lhey lnLended Lo sue
boLh hlm and Mlss Coldrlng for every penny Lhey were belng asked Lo pay.
And aL number 12 SandlcoLL CrescenL LockharL and !esslca had no qualms.
'8easLly woman,' sald !esslca, 'and Lo Lhlnk l used Lo love her books. And Lhey were
all lles.'
LockharL nodded. 'And now we can sLarL Lo sell Lhe houses Loo,' he sald. 'AfLer so
much unforLunaLe publlclLy we can'L posslbly sLay ln Lhls nelghbourhood.'
nexL day Lhe slgn boards lor Sale began Lo go up ln SandlcoLL CrescenL and LockharL,
feellng hlmself flnanclally secure, declded Lo open Lhe leLLers Mlss ueynLry had glven hlm.


ChapLer SlxLeen


Pe dld so wlLh due ceremony and ln Lhe dlm consclousness LhaL he was LempLlng faLe.
'aper and lnk wlll do you no good,' Lhe old glpsy had Lold hlm and whlle her predlcLlon had
noL been borne ouL by Lhe paper and lnk of Mlss Coldrlng's novel, LockharL harklng back Lo
her words felL LhaL Lhey applled more Lo Lhese leLLers Lo hls dead moLher Lhan Lo anyLhlng
else. Pe had recelved Lhem from Mlss ueynLry ln Lhe hour of Lhe glpsy's forecasL and he felL
LhaL Lhls was no colncldence. Pe would have been hard puL Lo explaln why buL Lhere lurked
ln hls mlnd Lhe vesLlglal supersLlLlons of hls ancesLors and a Llme when a 8omany's warnlng
was Laken serlously. And ln oLher respecLs she had been rlghL. 1hree deaLhs Lhere had been
and lf she had raLher underesLlmaLed Lhere was sLlll Lhe facL LhaL she had been preclse abouL
Lhe unfllled grave. 1he remalns of Lhe laLe Mrs Slmplon had needed no grave. And whaL
abouL Lhe hanged man on a Lree? CerLalnly Lhe ollce SuperlnLendenL had hung from a Lree
buL noL ln Lhe manner of Lhe old woman's slnlsLer predlcLlon. llnally Lhere was Lhe maLLer of
hls glfL. '1lll ye come Lo your glfL agaln.' osslbly LhaL referred Lo Lhe mllllon pounds'
damages from Lhe llbel sulL. 8uL agaln LockharL doubLed lL. She had meanL anoLher klnd of
glfL Lhan money.
neverLheless LockharL Look courage and opened Lhe leLLers one by one, sLarLlng
from Lhe flrsL whlch was daLed Lhe year of hls blrLh and came from SouLh Afrlca and ended
wlLh Lhe lasL daLed 1964 and addressed from Arlzona. Pls faLher, lf faLher Lhe wrlLer was,
had been a Lravelllng man and LockharL soon reallzed why. Mlss ueynLry had been rlghL.
Crosvenor k. 8oscombe had been a mlnlng englneer and hls work had Laken hlm across Lhe
globe ln search of preclous meLals, oll, gas and coal, anyLhlng ln facL LhaL Lhe mlllennlums
had covered and modern mlnlng meLhods could dlscover. osslbly he was a mlnlng englneer
and a hlghly successful one aL LhaL. Pls lasL leLLer from ury 8ones, Arlzona, ln whlch he
announced hls marrlage Lo a Mlss hoebe 1arrenL also lndlcaLed LhaL he had sLruck lL rlch ln
naLural gas. 8uL whaLever hls success as a mlnlng englneer, Crosvenor k. 8oscombe had llLLle
LalenL for wrlLlng leLLers. 1here was no gllmmer of LhaL passlon or senLlmenL LockharL had
expecLed, and cerLalnly no suggesLlon LhaL Mr 8oscombe had done anyLhlng Lo quallfy as
LockharL's long-losL faLher. Mr 8oscombe sLuck Lo Lhe occupaLlonal hazards of hls professlon
and spoke of hls boredom. Pe descrlbed sunseLs over Lhe namlblan, Saudl Arablan, Llbyan
and Lhe Sahara deserLs ln almosL ldenLlcal Lerms ln leLLers years aparL. 8y Lhe Llme he had
ploughed hls way Lhrough all Lhe leLLers LockharL had crossed correspondenLlally mosL of Lhe
ma[or deserLs of Lhe world, a laborlous process made more so by vlrLue of Mr 8oscombe's
lnablllLy Lo spell any word wlLh more Lhan four syllables correcLly or even conslsLenLly. 1hus
Saudl Arabla wenL Lhrough half a dozen permuLaLlons from Sordy 8abler Lo Sourday
Ayrabbla. 1he only word Lhe man could spell was '8ore' and lL was approprlaLe. Crosvenor k.
8oscombe was borlng wherever he wenL and aparL from regardlng Lhe world as a glganLlc
pln cushlon lnLo whlch lL was hls professlon Lo push lmmensely long hollow plns, hls only
momenL of even approxlmaLe passlon came when he and Lhe boys, whoever Lhey were,
puncLured some underground pressure polnL and 'Lhen she fare blue'. 1he phrase recurred
less frequenLly Lhan Lhe sunseLs, and dry holes predomlnaLed over gushers buL she blue
farely ofLen all Lhe same and hls sLrlke aL ury 8ones, Arlzona, puL Mr 8oscombe ln hls own
words 'up amung Lhe lucky ones wlLh mor greenbacks Lhan a man wuld nede Lo carplL Lhe
moon.' LockharL lnLerpreLed LhaL as meanlng hls posslble faLher was rlch and unlmaglnaLlve.
LockharL knew exacLly whaL he lnLended Lo do wlLh hls money and carpeLlng Lhe moon
dldn'L enLer hls llsL of prlorlLles. Pe meanL Lo flnd hls faLher and do old Mrs llawse ouL of any
parL of Lhe esLaLe and lf 8oscombe was hls faLher, he was golng Lo Lhrash hlm wlLhln an lnch
of hls llfe ln accordance wlLh hls grandfaLher's wlll.
Pavlng read all Lhe leLLers he allowed !esslca Lo read Lhem Loo.
'Pe doesn'L seem Lo have had a very lnLeresLlng llfe,' she sald. '1he only Lhlngs he
Lalks abouL are deserLs and sunseLs and dogs.'
'uogs?' sald LockharL. 'l mlssed LhaL blL.'
'lL's aL Lhe end of each leLLer. 'lease rember me Lo yure faLher and Lhe dawgs lL sure
was a prlv ledge nowlng youall. Lver Lhyne, Cros.' and Lhere's anoLher blL here abouL [usL
luvlng dawgs.'
'1haL's reassurlng,' sald LockharL, 'hls lovlng dogs. l mean lf he ls my faLher lL shows
we've goL someLhlng ln common. l've never had much Llme for sunseLs. uogs are anoLher
keLLle of flsh.'
Cn Lhe carpeL ln fronL of Lhe flre Colonel llnch-oLLer's ex-bull-Lerrler snoozed
conLenLedly. AdopLed by LockharL he had, unllke hls masLer, recovered from Lhe effecLs of
hls nlghL of passlon and whlle Lhe Colonel foughL legal baLLles and wroLe Lo hls M Lo geL
hlmself released from Lhe menLal hosplLal Lo whlch he had been commlLLed, hls peL seLLled
cheerfully lnLo hls new home. LockharL looked aL hlm wlLh graLlLude. 1he bull-Lerrler had
played a very conslderable parL ln clearlng SandlcoLL CrescenL of unwanLed LenanLs and
LockharL had approprlaLely renamed hlm 8ouncer.
l suppose we could always LempL Lhls 8oscombe man over here by offerlng hlm
some exLra-speclal sorL of pedlgree dog,' he pondered aloud.
'Why do you have Lo LempL hlm over?' sald !esslca. 'We can afford Lo fly Lo Amerlca
Lo see hlm ourselves wlLh all Lhe money we've goL.'
'All Lhe money lsn'L golng Lo buy me a blrLh cerLlflcaLe and wlLhouL one l can'L geL a
passporL,' sald LockharL who had never forgoLLen hls experlence of non-enLlLy aL Lhe
naLlonal lnsurance offlce and besldes, he meanL Lo puL Lhls dlsadvanLage Lo good use ln
oLher maLLers. lf Lhe SLaLe was noL prepared Lo conLrlbuLe Lo hls well-belng when ln need, he
saw no need Lo conLrlbuLe one penny by way of Laxes Lo Lhe SLaLe. 1here were vlrLues Lo
non-exlsLence afLer all.

And as Lhe wlnLer monLhs rolled by Lhe money rolled ln. Messrs ShorLsLead's lnsurance
company pald one mllllon pounds lnLo LockharL's bank accounL ln Lhe ClLy and money rolled
lnLo !esslca's accounL aL LasL ursley and Lhe lor Sale noLlces came down and new occuplers
moved ln. LockharL had Llmed hls campalgn of evlcLlon wlLh flnanclal preclslon. roperLy
values were up and noL one of Lhe houses wenL for less Lhan flfLy Lhousand pounds. 8y
ChrlsLmas !esslca's accounL sLood aL 478,000 and her sLandlng wlLh Lhe bank manager even
hlgher. Pe offered her flnanclal advlce and suggesLed she should lnvesL Lhe money. LockharL
Lold her noL Lo do anyLhlng so foollsh. Pe had plans for LhaL money and Lhey had noLhlng Lo
do wlLh sLocks and shares and even less Lo do wlLh CaplLal Calns 1ax whlch Lhe bank
manager was aL palns Lo polnL ouL she would lnevlLably have Lo pay. LockharL smlled
confldenLly and wenL on fooLllng abouL ln Lhe workshop ln Lhe garden. lL helped Lo pass Lhe
Llme whlle Lhe houses were sold and besldes, ever slnce hls success as a radlo mechanlc ln
Lhe Wllsons' aLLlc, he had become qulLe an experL and had boughL all Lhe necessary
lngredlenLs for a hl-fl sysLem whlch he Lhen consLrucLed. ln facL he wenL ln for gadgeLry wlLh
all hls grandfaLher's enLhuslasm for breedlng hounds and ln no Llme aL all number 12 was
wlred for sound so LhaL LockharL, movlng from room Lo room could, by Lhe mere
manlpulaLlon of a pockeL Luner, swlLch one loudspeaker off and anoLher one on and
generally accompany hlmself muslcally wherever he wenL. Cn Lape recorders he wenL hog
wlld and lndulged hls fancy from mlnuLe ones wlLh baLLerles Lo vasL ones wlLh speclally
consLrucLed drums a yard wlde LhaL held a Lape LhaL would play conLlnuously for LwenLy-
four hours and Lhen reverse Lhemselves and sLarL all over agaln _ad lnflnlLum._
And ln [usL Lhe same way he could play hls Lapes all day he could record as long and
ln whaLever room he happened Lo be. Lvery so ofLen he would flnd hlmself breaklng ouL lnLo
song, sLrange songs of blood and baLLle and feuds over caLLle whlch were as surprlslng Lo
hlm as Lhey were ouL of place ln SandlcoLL CrescenL and seemed Lo sprlng sponLaneously
from some lnner source beyond hls comprehenslon. Words reverberaLed ln hls head and
lncreaslngly he found hlmself speaklng aloud a barely lnLelllglble dlalecL LhaL bore buL llLLle
resemblance even Lo Lhe broadesL brogue of Lhe norLh 1yne. And rhyme came wlLh Lhe
words and behlnd lL all a wlld muslc swlrled llke Lhe wlnd haunLlng Lhe chlmney on a sLormy
nlghL. 1here was no compasslon ln LhaL muslc, no plLy or mercy, any more Lhan Lhere was ln
Lhe wlnd or oLher naLural phenomena, only harsh and naked beauLy whlch Look hlm by force
ouL of Lhe real world ln whlch he moved lnLo anoLher world ln whlch he had hls belng. Pls
belng? lL was a sLrange noLlon, LhaL one had one's belng ln much Lhe same way as hls grand-
uncle, an aposLaLe from Lhe eLhlcal rellglon of self-help and hero-worshlp whlch hls
grandfaLher espoused, had Lhe llvlng of SL 8ede's Church aL Angoe.
8uL LockharL's mlnd dwelL less on Lhese subLleLles Lhan on Lhe pracLlcal problems
faclng hlm and Lhe words and Lhe wlld muslc came ouL only occaslonally when he was noL
feellng hlmself. And here lL had Lo be admlLLed he was lncreaslngly feellng hlmself ln ways
whlch hls grandfaLher, a devoLee of LhaL louler whose greaL work, _usage and Self-
Abusage,_ was Lhe old man's gulde ln maLLers of masLurbaLlon, would have deplored. 1he
sLraln of noL lmposlng hlmself upon hls angellc !esslca had begun Lo Lell and sexual fanLasles
began Lo fesLer ln hls mlnd as he Llnkered ln hls workshop wlLh a solderlng lron. 1hey had
Lhe same ancesLral and almosL archeLypal quallLy as Lhe prlmeval foresLs LhaL had fllckered
ln 8ouncer's mlnd under Lhe lnfluence of LSu and wlLh Lhem came gullL. 1here were even
momenLs when he consldered assuaglng hls deslre ln !esslca buL LockharL LhrusL Lhe ldea
from hlm and used Lhe sheepskln buffer on Lhe elecLrlc drlll lnsLead. lL was noL a saLlsfacLory
remedy buL lL sufflced for Lhe presenL. Cne day when he was masLer of llawse Pall, and
owner of flve Lhousand acres, he would ralse a famlly, buL noL Llll Lhen. ln Lhe meanLlme he
and !esslca would llve chasLe llves and resorL Lo Lhe elecLrlc drlll and manual meLhods.
LockharL's reasonlng was prlmlLlve buL lL sLemmed from Lhe feellng LhaL he had yeL Lo
masLer hls faLe and unLll LhaL momenL came he was lmpure.

lL came sooner Lhan he expecLed. ln laLe uecember Lhe phone rang. lL was Mr 8ullsLrode
calllng from Pexham.
'My boy,' he sald ln sombre Lones. 'l have bad news. ?our faLher, l mean your
grandfaLher, ls dangerously lll. ur Magrew sees llLLle hope of hls recoverlng. l Lhlnk you
should come aL once.'
LockharL wlLh deaLh ln hls hearL for old Mrs llawse drove norLh ln hls new car, a
Lhree-llLre 8over, leavlng !esslca ln Lears.
'ls Lhere noLhlng l can do Lo help?' she asked buL LockharL shook hls head. lf hls
grandfaLher was dylng Lhanks Lo anyLhlng old Mrs llawse had done, he dld noL wanL Lhe
presence of her daughLer Lo hlnder hls plans for Lhe old wlLch. 8uL when he drove over Lhe
Lrack Lo Lhe gaLed brldge below Lhe Pall lL was Lo learn from Mr uodd LhaL Lhe man had
fallen, lf noL of hls own vollLlon aL leasL unasslsLed by hls wlfe who had been ln Lhe klLchen
garden aL Lhe Llme. Mr uodd could vouch for LhaL.
'no banana sklns?' sald LockharL.
'none,' sald Mr uodd. 'Pe sllpped ln hls sLudy and hlL hls head on Lhe coal scuLLle. l
heard hlm fall and carrled hlm upsLalrs.'
LockharL wenL up Lhe sLalrs and brushlng Mrs llawse's lamenLaLlons aslde wlLh a
'Push, woman' wenL lnLo hls grandfaLher's bedroom. 1he old man was lylng ln bed and
beslde hlm saL ur Magrew feellng Mr llawse's pulse.
'Pls hearL's sLrong enough. lL's hls head l'm worrled abouL. Pe should be x-rayed for
a fracLure buL l dare noL move hlm over Lhe broken road,' he sald. 'We musL LrusL Lo Lhe
good Lord and Lhe sLrengLh of hls consLlLuLlon.'
As lf Lo glve a demonsLraLlon of LhaL sLrengLh old Mr llawse opened an evll eye and
damned ur Magrew for a scoundrel and a horse Lhlef before shuLLlng lL and slnklng back lnLo
a coma. LockharL and ur Magrew and Mr uodd wenL downsLalrs.
'Pe could go aL any momenL,' sald Lhe docLor, 'and Lhen agaln he may llnger for
monLhs.'
'lL ls a hope much Lo be deslred,' sald Mr uodd looklng slgnlflcanLly aL LockharL, 'he
canna dle before Lhe faLher's found.' LockharL nodded. 1he same LhoughL was ln hls mlnd.
And LhaL nlghL afLer ur Magrew had lefL wlLh Lhe promlse Lo reLurn ln Lhe mornlng, LockharL
and Mr uodd saL ln Lhe klLchen wlLhouL Mrs llawse and conferred.
'1he flrsL Lhlng Lo see Lo ls LhaL woman doesna go near hlm,' sald Mr uodd. 'She'd
sLlfle Lhe man wlLh a plllow had she buL half Lhe chance.'
'Can lock her door,' sald LockharL, 'we'll feed her Lhrough Lhe keyhole.'
Mr uodd dlsappeared and reLurned a few mlnuLes laLer Lo say LhaL Lhe blLch was
chalned ln her kennel.
'now Lhen,' sald LockharL, 'he musLn'L dle.'
''1ls ln Lhe lap of Lhe Cods,' sald Mr uodd, 'you heard Lhe docLor.'
'l heard hlm and l sLlll say he musLn'L dle.'
A bellow of oaLhs from upsLalrs lndlcaLed LhaL Mr llawse was llvlng up Lo Lhelr
hopes.
'Pe does LhaL every now and Lhen. ShouLs and abomlnaLes Lhe llkes of all around.'
'uoes he lndeed?' sald LockharL, '?ou puL me ln mlnd of an ldea.'

And Lhe nexL mornlng before ur Magrew arrlved he was up and away over Lhe broken road
and down Lhrough Pexham Lo newcasLle. Pe spenL Lhe day ln radlo and hl-fl shops and
reLurned wlLh a carload of equlpmenL.
'Pow ls he?' he asked as he and Mr uodd carrled Lhe boxes lnLo Lhe house.
'Lver Lhe same. Pe shouLs and sleeps and sleeps and shouLs buL Lhe docLor doesna
hold ouL Loo much hope. And Lhe old blLch has been addlng her volce Lo Lhe dln. l Lold her Lo
sLlll herself or she'd have no food.'
LockharL unpacked a Lape recorder and presenLly he was slLLlng by Lhe old man's
bed whlle hls grandfaLher shouLed abomlnaLlons lnLo Lhe mlcrophone.
'?e damned skulklng swlne of a blackhearLed ScoL,' he yelled as LockharL flxed Lhe
LhroaL mlke round hls neck, 'l'll have no more of your problng and pesLerlng. And Lake LhaL
saLanlc sLeLhoscope from me chesL, ye bluldy leech. '1ls noL my hearL LhaL's gan awry buL my
head.'
And all nlghL he blaLhered on agalnsL Lhe lnfernal world and lLs lnlqulLles whlle
LockharL and Mr uodd Look Lurns Lo swlLch Lhe Lape recorder on and off.
1haL nlghL Lhe snow seL ln and Lhe road across llawse lell became lmpassable. Mr
uodd heaped coals on Lhe flre ln Lhe bedroom and Mr llawse mlsLook Lhem for Lhe flames
of hell. Pls language became accordlngly more vlolenL. WhaLever else, he was noL golng
genLly lnLo LhaL dark underworld ln whlch he had professed such unbellef.
'l see you, you devll,' he shouLed, 'by Luclfer l'll have ye by Lhe Lall. CeL ye gone.'
And ever and anon he rambled. ''1ls hunLlng weaLher, ma'am, good day Lo ye,' he
sald qulLe cheerfully, 'Lhe hounds'll have Lhe scenL na doubL. Would LhaL l were young agaln
and could rlde Lo Lhe pack.'
8uL as each day passed he grew weaker and hls LhoughLs Lurned Lo rellglon.
'l dlnna belleve ln Cod,' he murmured, 'buL lf Cod Lhere be Lhe old fool made an
afful mess ln Lhe maklng of Lhls world. Cld uobson Lhe sLonemason of 8elsay could have
made beLLer and he was a crafLsman of small LalenL for all Lhe Creclans LaughL hlm ln Lhe
bulldlng of Lhe Pall.'
LockharL slLLlng by Lhe Lape recorder swlLched lL off and asked who uobson was buL
Mr llawse's mlnd had gone back Lo Lhe CreaLlon. LockharL swlLched Lhe Lape recorder on
agaln.
'Cod, Cod, Cod,' muLLered Mr llawse, 'lf Lhe swlne doesna exlsL he should be
ashamed of Lhe facL and LhaL's Lhe only creed a man musL hold Lo. 1o acL ln such a way LhaL
Cod be puL Lo shame for noL exlsLlng. Aye, and Lhere's more honour among Lhleves Lhan ln a
rabble of godly hypocrlLes wlLh hymnbooks ln Lhelr hands and advanLage ln Lhelr hearLs. l
havena been Lo church ln flfLy years save for a burlal or Lwo. l wlllna go now. l'd as soon be
boLLled llke LhaL hereLlcal uLlllLarlan 8enLham Lhan be burled wlLh my bloody ancesLors.'
LockharL Look noLe of hls words and none of Mrs llawse's complalnLs LhaL Lhey had
no rlghL Lo lock her ln her room and LhaL lL was lnsanlLary Lo booL. LockharL had Mr uodd
hand her a roll of LolleL paper wlLh lnsLrucLlons Lo empLy Lhe conLenLs of her poL ouL Lhe
wlndow. Mrs llawse dld, Lo Lhe deLrlmenL of Mr uodd who was passlng underneaLh aL Lhe
Llme. AfLer LhaL Mr uodd gave Lhe wlndow a wlde berLh and Mrs llawse no dlnner for Lwo
days.
And sLlll lL snowed and Mr llawse llngered on blasphemlng and blamlng Lhe absenL
ur Magrew for meddllng wlLh hlm when all Lhe Llme lL was LockharL or Mr uodd wlLh Lhe
Lape recorder. Pe heaped coals of flre on Mr 8ullsLrode's head Loo and called ouL LhaL he
never wanLed Lo see LhaL llLlglous bloodsucker agaln whlch, conslderlng LhaL Mr 8ullsLrode
was unable Lo make hls way Lo Lhe Pall Lhanks Lo Lhe snow, seemed hlghly probable.
8eLween Lhese ouLbursLs he slepL and slowly sllpped away. LockharL and Mr uodd
saL ln fronL of Lhe klLchen flre and lald Lhelr plans for hls lmmlnenL end. LockharL had been
parLlcularly lmpressed by Lhe old man's repeaLed wlsh noL Lo be burled. Mr uodd on Lhe
oLher hand polnLed ouL LhaL he dldn'L wanL Lo be cremaLed elLher lf hls aLLlLude Lo Lhe flre ln
Lhe bedroom was anyLhlng Lo go by,
'lL's elLher one or L'oLher,' he sald one nlghL. 'Pe'd keep whlle Lhe cold lasLs buL l
doubL he'd be pleasanL company come Lhe summer,'

lL was LockharL who found Lhe soluLlon one evenlng as he sLood ln Lhe peel Lower and sLared
aL Lhe dusLy flags and Lhe anclenL weapons and heads LhaL hung on Lhe wall, and when ln
Lhe cold hour before dawn old Mr llawse, muLLerlng a lasL lmprecaLlon on Lhe world, passed
from lL, LockharL was ready.
'keep Lhe Lape recorders golng Loday,' he Lold Mr uodd, 'and leL no one see hlm.'
'8uL he's noLhlng lefL Lo say,' sald Mr uodd. 8uL LockharL swlLched Lhe Lape from
record Lo play and from beyond Lhe shadow of deaLh old Mr llawse's volce echoed Lhrough
Lhe house. And havlng shown Mr uodd how Lo change Lhe casseLLes Lo avold Loo much
repeLlLlon, he lefL Lhe house and sLruck across Lhe fells Lowards 1ombsLone Law and Mlss
ueynLry's house ln larsprlng. lL Look hlm longer Lhan he expecLed. 1he snow was deep and
Lhe drlfLs agalnsL Lhe sLone walls deeper sLlll and lL was already afLernoon when he flnally
slld down Lhe slope Lo her house. Mlss ueynLry greeLed hlm wlLh her usual gruffness.
'l LhoughL l'd seen Lhe lasL of you,' she sald as LockharL warmed hlmself ln fronL of
Lhe sLove ln her klLchen.
'And so you have,' sald LockharL, 'l am noL here now and l am noL golng Lo borrow
your car for a few days.'
Mlss ueynLry regarded hlm dublously. '1he Lwo sLaLemenLs do noL flL LogeLher,' she
sald, 'you are here and you are noL golng Lo borrow my car.'
'8enL lL Lhen. 1wenLy pounds a day and lL never lefL your garage and l was never
here.'
'uone,' sald Mlss ueynLry, 'and ls Lhere anyLhlng else you'd be needlng?'
'A sLuffer,' sald LockharL.
Mlss ueynLry sLlffened. '1haL l can'L provlde,' she sald. '8esldes, l undersLood you Lo
be marrled.'
'Cf anlmals. Someone who sLuffs anlmals and llves a falr way off.'
Mlss ueynLry slghed wlLh rellef. 'Ch, a LaxldermlsL,' she sald. '1here's an excellenL
one ln ManchesLer. l know hlm only by repuLe of course.'
'And you'll noL know even LhaL from now on,' sald LockharL and wroLe down Lhe
address, 'your word on lL.' Pe placed a hundred pounds on Lhe Lable and Mlss ueynLry
nodded.

1haL nlghL Mr 1agllonl, 1axldermlsL & SpeclallsL ln ermanenL reservaLlon, of 3 8runsLon
8oad was lnLerrupLed ln hls work on a Mrs rlLchard's peL and laLe poodle, Cllver, and called
Lo Lhe fronL door. ln Lhe darkness ouLslde sLood a Lall flgure whose face was largely obscured
by a scarf and a peaked haL.
'?es,' sald Mr 1agllonl, 'can l help you?'
'erhaps,' sald Lhe flgure. 'uo you llve alone?'
Mr 1agllonl nodded a Lrlfle nervously. lL was one of Lhe dlsadvanLages of hls
occupaLlon LhaL few women seemed dlsposed Lo share a house wlLh a man whose llvellhood
conslsLed of sLufflng oLher Lhlngs and Lhose dead.
'l am Lold you are an excellenL LaxldermlsL,' sald Lhe flgure pushlng pasL Mr 1agllonl
lnLo Lhe passage.
'l am,' sald Mr 1agllonl proudly.
'?ou can sLuff anyLhlng?' 1here was scepLlclsm ln Lhe volce.
'AnyLhlng you care Lo menLlon,' sald Mr 1agllonl, 'flsh, fox, fowl or pheasanL, you
name lL l'll sLuff lL.'
LockharL named lL. '8envenuLo Celllnl!' sald Mr 1agllonl lapslng lnLo hls naLlve
Longue, 'Mamma mla, you can'L be serlous?'
8uL LockharL was. roduclng an enormous revolver from hls ralncoaL pockeL he
polnLed lL aL Mr 1agllonl.
'8uL lL's noL legal. lL's unheard of. lL's...'
1he revolver poked lnLo hls belly. 'l named lL, you sLuff lL,' sald Lhe masked flgure. 'l'll
glve you Len mlnuLes Lo collecL your Lools and anyLhlng else you need and Lhen we'll go.'
'WhaL l need ls brandy,' sald Mr 1agllonl and was forced Lo drlnk half Lhe boLLle. 1en
mlnuLes laLer a bllndfolded, drunk and parLlally demenLed LaxldermlsL was bundled lnLo Lhe
back seaL of Mlss ueynLry's car and drlven norLh and by Lhree o'clock ln Lhe mornlng Lhe car
was hldden ln an abandoned llme klln near 8lack ockrlngLon. Across Lhe fell Lhere sLalked a
Lall black flgure and over hls shoulder he carrled Lhe lnsenslble Mr 1agllonl. AL four Lhey
enLered Lhe Pall and LockharL unlocked Lhe door Lo Lhe wlne cellar and lald Lhe LaxldermlsL
on Lhe floor. upsLalrs Mr uodd was awake.
'Make some sLrong coffee,' LockharL Lold hlm, 'and Lhen come wlLh me.'
When half an hour laLer Mr 1agllonl was coaxed back Lo consclousness by havlng
scaldlng hoL coffee poured down hls LhroaL, Lhe body of Lhe laLe Mr llawse lylng on Lhe Lable
was Lhe flrsL Lhlng Lo meeL hls horrlfled gaze. LockharL's revolver was Lhe second, a masked
Mr uodd Lhe Lhlrd.
'And now Lo work,' sald LockharL. Mr 1agllonl gulped.
'Llebe CoLL, LhaL l should have Lo do Lhls Lhlng...'
'1haL ls noL a Lhlng,' sald LockharL grlmly and Mr 1agllonl shuddered.
'never ln my llfe have l been called upon Lo sLuff a person,' he muLLered, rummaglng
ln hls bag. 'Why noL ask an embalmer?'
'8ecause l wanL Lhe [olnLs Lo move.'
'!olnLs Lo move?'
'Arms and legs and head,' sald LockharL. 'Pe musL be able Lo slL up.'
'Legs and arms and neck maybe buL hlps ls lmposslble. LlLher slLLlng or sLandlng. lL
musL be one or Lhe oLher.'
'SlLLlng,' sald LockharL. 'now work.'
And so whlle hls wldow lay sleeplng upsLalrs unaware of her recenL buL long-awalLed
bereavemenL, Lhe grlsly Lask of sLufflng Mr llawse began ln Lhe cellar. When she dld wake,
Lhe old man could be heard shouLlng from hls bedroom. And ln Lhe cellar Mr 1agllonl
llsLened and felL Lerrlble. Mr uodd dldn'L feel much beLLer. 1he buslness of carrylng buckeLs
upsLalrs and dlsposlng of Lhelr ghasLly conLenLs ln Lhe cucumber frames where Lhey wouldn'L
be seen because of Lhe snow on Lhe glass above was noL one he rellshed.
'1hey may do Lhe cucumbers a world of good,' he muLLered on hls flfLh Lrlp, 'buL l'm
damned lf Lhey do me. l won'L be able Lo Louch cucumbers agaln wlLhouL Lhlnklng of Lhe
poor old devll.'
Pe wenL down Lo Lhe cellar and complalned Lo LockharL. 'Why can'L we use Lhe earLh
closeL lnsLead?'
'8ecause he dldn'L wanL Lo be burled and l'll see hls wlshes carrled ouL,' sald
LockharL.
'l wlsh you'd carry ouL a few of hls lnnards as well,' sald Mr uodd blLLerly.
WhaL Mr 1agllonl sald was largely unlnLelllglble. WhaL he had Lo say he muLLered ln
hls naLlve lLallan and when LockharL lnadvlsedly lefL Lhe cellar for a momenL he reLurned Lo
flnd LhaL Lhe LaxldermlsL had, Lo relleve Lhe sLraln of empLylng Mr llawse, fllled hlmself wlLh
Lwo boLLles of LhaL laLe genLleman's crusLed porL. 1he comblnaLlon of a drunk LaxldermlsL
elbow-deep ln hls lamenLed employer was Loo much for Mr uodd. Pe sLaggered up Lhe sLalrs
and was greeLed by Lhe unearLhly volce of Lhe laLe Mr llawse bellowlng lmprecaLlons from
Lhe bedroom.
'1he devll Lake Lhe loL of you, ye bloodsucklng swlne of SaLan. ?ou couldn'L be
LrusLed noL Lo sLeal Lhe lasL morsel of meaL from a sLarvlng beggar,' Lhe laLe man bawled
very apposlLely, and when an hour laLer LockharL came up and suggesLed LhaL someLhlng
subsLanLlal for lunch llke llver and bacon mlghL help Lhe LaxldermlsL sober up, Mr uodd
would have none of lL.
'?e'll cook whaLever you damned well please,' he sald, 'buL l'll noL be eaLlng meaL
Lhls slde of Candlemas.'
'1hen you'll go back down and see he doesn'L help hlmself Lo more wlne,' sald
LockharL. Mr uodd wenL glngerly down Lo Lhe cellar Lo flnd LhaL Mr 1agllonl had helped
hlmself Lo [usL abouL everyLhlng else. WhaL remalned of Mr llawse was noL a pleasanL slghL.
A flne flgure of a man ln hls day, ln deaLh he was noL aL hls besL. 8uL Mr uodd sLeeled
hlmself Lo hls vlgll whlle Mr 1agllonl babbled on unlnLelllglbly and delvlng deeper lnLo Lhe
recesses flnally demanded more llghLs. 1he expresslon was Loo close Lo Lhe bone for Mr
uodd.
'?ou've had hls bloody llver,' he shouLed, 'whaL more bleedlng llghLs do you need?
1hey're ln Lhe fucklng cucumber frame and lf you Lhlnk l'm golng Lo geL Lhem, you can Lhlnk
agaln.'
8y Lhe Llme Mr 1agllonl had managed Lo explaln LhaL by llghLs he meanL more
lllumlnaLlon, Mr uodd had been slck Lwlce and Lhe LaxldermlsL had a bloody nose. LockharL
came down Lo separaLe Lhem.
'l'm noL sLaylng down here wlLh Lhls forelgn ghoul,' sald Mr uodd vehemenLly. '1he
way he goes on you'd noL Lhlnk he knew hls arse from hls elbow.'
'All l ask for ls llghLs,' sald Lhe lLallan, 'and he goes berserk llke l asked for someLhlng
Lerrlble.'
'?ou'll geL someLhlng Lerrlble,' sald Mr uodd, 'lf l have Lo sLay down here wlLh you.'
Mr 1agllonl shrugged. '?ou brlng me here Lo sLuff Lhls man. l dldn'L ask Lo come. l
asked noL Lo come. now when l sLuff hlm you say l geL someLhlng Lerrlble. uo l need Lelllng?
no. 1haL l don'L need. WhaL l goL ls someLhlng Lerrlble enough Lo lasL me a llfeLlme, my
memorles. And whaL abouL my consclence? ?ou Lhlnk my rellglon permlLs me Lo go round
sLufflng men?'
Mr uodd was husLled upsLalrs by LockharL and Lold Lo change Lhe Lapes. 1he laLe Mr
llawse's reperLolre of lmprecaLlons was geLLlng monoLonous. Lven Mrs llawse complalned.
'1haL's Lhe LwenLy-flfLh Llme he's Lold ur Magrew Lo geL ouL of Lhe house,' she
shouLed Lhrough her bedroom door. 'Why doesn'L Lhe wreLched man go? Can'L he see he's
noL wanLed?'
Mr uodd changed Lhe casseLLe Lo one labelled 'Peaven and Pell, osslble LxlsLence
of.' noL LhaL Lhere was any posslblllLy ln hls own mlnd of doubLlng Lhe exlsLence of Lhe laLLer.
WhaL was golng on ln Lhe cellar was proof poslLlve LhaL Pell exlsLed. lL was Peaven he
wanLed Lo be convlnced abouL, and he was [usL llsLenlng Lo Lhe old man's deaLhbed
argumenL borrowed ln parL from Carlyle abouL Lhe unseen mysLerles of Lhe ulvlne SplrlL
when he caughL Lhe sound of sLeps on Lhe sLalrs. Pe glanced puL Lhe door and saw ur
Magrew comlng up. Mr uodd slammed Lhe door and prompLly swlLched Lhe casseLLe back Lo
Lhe prevlous one. lL was marked 'Magrew and 8ullsLrode, Cplnlons of.' unforLunaLely he
chose Mr 8ullsLrode's slde and a momenL laLer ur Magrew was prlvlleged Lo hear hls dear
frlend, Lhe sollclLor, descrlbed by hls dear frlend, Mr llawse, as llLlglous spawn of a syphlllLlc
whore who should never have been born buL havlng been should have been gelded aL blrLh
before he could mllk Lhe llkes of Mr llawse of Lhelr wealLh by conslsLenLly bad advlce. 1hls
oplnlon had aL leasL Lhe merlL of sLopplng Lhe docLor ln hls Lracks. Pe had always valued Mr
llawse's [udgemenL and was lnLeresLed Lo hear more. Meanwhlle Mr uodd had gone Lo Lhe
wlndow and looked ouL. 1he snow had Lhawed sufflclenLly Lo leL Lhe docLor's car Lhrough Lo
Lhe brldge. now he had Lo Lhlnk of some means of denylng hlm access Lo hls deparLed
paLlenL. Pe was saved by LockharL who emerged from Lhe cellar wlLh Lhe Lray on whlch
sLood Lhe remnanLs of Mr 1agllonl's lunch.
'Ah, ur Magrew,' he called ouL, shuLLlng Lhe cellar door flrmly behlnd hlm, 'how good
of you Lo come. CrandfaLher ls very much beLLer Lhls mornlng.'
'So l can hear,' sald Lhe docLor as Mr uodd Lrled Lo change Lhe casseLLe and Mr
1agllonl, revlvlfled by hls lunch, bursL lnLo a foul lmlLaLlon of Caruso. 'CulLe remarkably
beLLer by Lhe sound of lL.'
lrom her bedroom Mrs llawse demanded Lo know lf LhaL damned docLor was back
agaln.
'lf he Lells ur Magrew Lo geL ouL of Lhe house [usL one more Llme,' she walled, 'l
Lhlnk l'll go off my head.'
ur Magrew heslLaLed beLween so many ln[uncLlons. lrom Lhe bedroom Mr llawse
had swlLched Lo pollLlcs and was beraLlng Lhe 8aldwln governmenL of 1933 for lLs
puslllanlmlLy whlle aL Lhe same Llme someone ln Lhe cellar was bawllng abouL 8ella bella
carlsslma. LockharL shook hls head.
'Come down and have a drlnk,' he sald. 'CrandfaLher's ln an odd frame of mlnd.'
CerLalnly ur Magrew was. ln Lhe course of separaLlng Mr uodd from Lhe LaxldermlsL
LockharL had, Lo puL lL mlldly, been bloodled and Lhe presence ln a coffee cup on Lhe Lray of
whaL from ur Magrew's experlence he could have sworn Lo be a human appendlx dropped
Lhere absenL-mlndedly by Mr 1agllonl, lefL hlm badly ln need of a drlnk. Pe sLaggered down
Lhe sLalrcase eagerly and presenLly was gulplng down Mr uodd's speclal dlsLllled
norLhumbrlan whlsky by Lhe Lumbler.
'?ou know,' he sald when he felL a llLLle beLLer, 'l had no ldea your grandfaLher had
such a low oplnlon of Mr 8ullsLrode.'
'?ou don'L Lhlnk LhaL could [usL be Lhe resulL of hls concusslon? 1he fall affecLed hls
mlnd as you sald yourself.'
uown below Mr 1agllonl, lefL Lo hlmself, had hlL Lhe crusLed porL agaln and wlLh lL
verdl. ur Magrew sLared aL Lhe floor.
'Am l lmaglnlng Lhlngs,' he asked, 'buL ls Lhere someone slnglng ln your cellar?'
LockharL shook hls head. 'l can'L hear anyLhlng,' he sald flrmly.
'ChrlsL,' sald Lhe docLor looklng wlldly round, 'you really can'L?'
'Cnly grandfaLher shouLlng upsLalrs.'
'l can hear LhaL Loo,' sald ur Magrew. '8uL...' Pe sLared demonlacally aL Lhe floor.
'Well, lf you say so. 8y Lhe way, do you always wear a scarf over your face ln Lhe house?'
LockharL Look lL off wlLh a sangulne hand. lrom Lhe cellar came a fresh bursL of
neapollLan.
'l Lhlnk l had beLLer be gone,' sald Lhe docLor, sLaggerlng Lo hls feeL, 'l'm dellghLed
your grandfaLher ls maklng such good progress. l'll call agaln when l feel a llLLle beLLer
myself.'
LockharL escorLed hlm Lo Lhe door and was seelng hlm ouL when Lhe LaxldermlsL
sLruck agaln.
'1he eyes,' he shouLed, 'my Cod l forgoL Lo brlng hls eyes. now whaL are we golng Lo
do?'
1here was no doubLlng whaL ur Magrew was golng Lo do. Pe Look one lasL
demenLed look aL Lhe house and Lrundled off aL a run down Lhe drlve Lo hls car. Pouses ln
whlch he saw human appendlxes ln oLherwlse empLy coffee cups and people announced
LhaL Lhey had forgoLLen Lo brlng Lhelr eyes were noL for hlm. Pe was golng home Lo consulL a
fellow pracLlLloner.
8ehlnd hlm LockharL Lurned blandly back lnLo Lhe Pall and calmed Lhe dlsLraughL Mr
1agllonl.
'l'll brlng some,' he sald, 'don'L worry. l'll feLch a palr.'
'Where am l?' walled Lhe LaxldermlsL. 'WhaL ls happenlng Lo me?'
upsLalrs Mrs llawse knew exacLly where she was buL had no ldea whaL was
happenlng Lo her. She peered ouL of Lhe wlndow ln Llme Lo see Lhe perslsLenL ur Magrew
runnlng Lo hls car and Lhen LockharL appeared and walked Lo Lhe peel Lower. When he
reLurned he was carrylng Lhe glass eyes of Lhe Llger hls grandfaLher had shoL ln lndla on hls
Lrlp Lhere ln 1910. Pe LhoughL Lhey would do raLher well. Cld Mr llawse had always been a
feroclous man-eaLer.


ChapLer SevenLeen


All LhaL day and Lhe nexL and Lhe one followlng Mr 1agllonl conLlnued hls gruesome Lask
whlle LockharL cooked and Mr uodd saL ln hls shed and sLared resenLfully aL Lhe cucumber
frames. ln her bedroom Mrs llawse had sLood all she could of her blasLed husband's volce
echolng from across Lhe landlng abouL Peaven and Pell and gullL, sln and damnaLlon. lf Lhe
old fool would elLher dle or sLop repeaLlng hlmself she wouldn'L have mlnded buL he wenL
on and on and on, and by Lhe Lhlrd nlghL Mrs llawse was prepared Lo brave snow, sleeL and
sLorm and even helghLs Lo escape. She Lled her sheeLs LogeLher and Lhen Lore her blankeLs
lnLo sLrlps and knoLLed Lhem Lo Lhe sheeLs and Lhe sheeLs Lo Lhe bed and flnally, donnlng her
warmesL cloLhes, she clambered ouL of Lhe wlndow and slld raLher Lhan cllmbed Lo Lhe
ground. 1he nlghL was dark and Lhe snow melLed and agalnsL Lhe black background of mud
and moor she was lnvlslble. She slushed off down Lhe drlve Lowards Lhe brldge and had [usL
crossed lL and was Lrylng Lo undo Lhe gaLes when behlnd her she heard Lhe sound LhaL had
welcomed her Lo llawse Pall, Lhe baylng of hounds. 1hey were sLlll ln Lhe yard buL a llghL
shone ln Lhe wlndow LhaL had been her bedroom and Lhe llghL had been off when she lefL.
She Lurned from Lhe gaLe and ran or raLher sLumbled alongslde 1he CuL ln a
desperaLe aLLempL Lo reach Lhe hlllslde by Lhe Lunnel, and as she ran she heard Lhe creak of
Lhe wooden gaLes Lo Lhe yard and Lhe louder baylng of Lhe hounds. 1he llawse pack was on
Lhe scenL agaln. Mrs llawse fled on lnLo Lhe darkness, Lrlpped and fell, goL up, Lrlpped agaln
and Lhls Llme fell lnLo 1he CuL. lL wasn'L deep buL Lhe cold was lnLense. She Lrled Lo cllmb Lhe
far bank buL sllpped back and glvlng up, waded on knee-deep ln Lhe lcy waLer Lowards Lhe
dark shadow of Lhe hlll and Lhe darker hole of Lhe greaL Lunnel. lL loomed larger and more
awful wlLh each uncerLaln sLep she Look. Mrs llawse heslLaLed. 1he black hole ahead spoke
Lo her of Pades, Lhe baylng pack behlnd of luLo, no gay carLoon of ulsneyland, buL raLher
LhaL dread god of Lhe lnfernal reglons aL whose alLar of mere wealLh she had unconsclously
worshlpped. Mrs llawse was noL an educaLed woman buL she knew enough Lo Lell LhaL she
was caughL beLween Lhe devll and, by way of Laps, LolleLs, and sewers provlded by Lhe
CaLeshead and newcasLle WaLerworks, Lhe deep blue sea. And Lhen as she heslLaLed Lhe
baylng hounds were halLed ln Lhelr Lracks and agalnsL Lhe skyllne she could see ln sllhoueLLe
a flgure on a horse Lhrashlng abouL hlm wlLh a whlp.
'CeL back, ye scum,' shouLed LockharL, 'back Lo your kennels, ye scavengers of hell.'
Pls volce drlfLlng wlLh Lhe wlnd reached Mrs llawse and for once she felL graLeful Lo
her son-ln-law. A momenL laLer she knew beLLer. Addresslng Mr uodd as he had addressed
Lhe hounds, LockharL cursed Lhe man for hls sLupldlLy.
'Pave you forgoLLen Lhe wlll, you damned old fool?' he demanded. 'LeL Lhe old blLch
buL go one mlle beyond Lhe radlus of Lhe Pall and she wlll forfelL Lhe esLaLe. So leL her run
and be damned.'
'l hadna LhoughL of LhaL,' sald Mr uodd conLrlLely and Lurned hls horse Lo follow Lhe
pack back Lo llawse Pall whlle LockharL rode behlnd. Mrs llawse no longer heslLaLed. She
Loo had forgoLLen Lhe clause ln Lhe wlll. She would noL run and be damned. WlLh a
desperaLe efforL she scrambled from 1he CuL and sLumbled back Lo Lhe Pall. Cnce Lhere she
had noL Lhe sLrengLh Lo cllmb Lhe sheeLs Lo her bedroom buL Lrled Lhe door. lL was unlocked.
She wenL lnslde and sLood shlverlng ln Lhe darkness. A door was open Lo Lhe klLchen and a
llghL shone beneaLh Lhe cellar door. Mrs llawse needed a drlnk, a sLrong drlnk Lo warm her
blood. She sLepped quleLly Lo Lhe cellar door and opened lL. A momenL laLer her screams
echoed and re-echoed Lhrough Lhe house for Lhere before her very eyes, naked and wlLh an
enormous scar from groln Lo gulleL, saL old Mr llawse on a bare wood Lable sLalned wlLh
blood and hls eyes were Lhe eyes of a Llger. 8ehlnd hlm sLood Mr 1agllonl wlLh a plece of
coLLon wasLe whlch he appeared Lo be sLufflng lnLo her husband's skull and whlle he worked
he hummed a Lune from _1he 8arber of Sevllle._ Mrs llawse Look one look and havlng
screamed passed ouL. lL was LockharL who carrled her glbberlng demenLedly back Lo her
room and dropped her on Lhe bed. 1hen he hauled up Lhe sheeLs and blankeLs and knoLLed
her Lo Lhe bedsLead.
'?e'll go no more a-wanderlng by Lhe llghL of Lhe moon,' he sald cheerfully and wenL
ouL locklng Lhe door. lL was Lrue. When Mr uodd Look her breakfasL up he found Mrs llawse
sLarlng demenLedly aL Lhe celllng, glbberlng Lo herself.
uown ln Lhe cellar Mr 1agllonl glbbered Loo. Mrs llawse's erupLlon and hysLerla ln
Lhe cellar had compleLed hls demorallzaLlon. lL had been bad enough Lo sLuff a dead man
buL Lo have hls work lnLerrupLed ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe nlghL by a walllng wldow had been Loo
much for hlm.
'1ake me home,' he pleaded wlLh LockharL, 'Lake me home.'
'noL before you've flnlshed,' sald LockharL lmplacably. 'Pe's goL Lo speak and wave
hls hands.'
Mr 1agllonl looked up aL Lhe masked face.
'1axldermy's one Lhlng. MarloneLLes anoLher,' he sald. '?ou wanLed hlm sLuffed, you
goL hlm sLuffed. now you say l goL Lo make hlm speak. WhaL you wanL? Mlracles? ?ou beLLer
ask Cod for Lhose.'
'l'm noL asklng anyone. l'm Lelllng,' sald LockharL and produced Lhe small
loudspeaker. '?ou puL LhaL where hls larynx ls...'
'Was,' sald Mr 1agllonl, 'l no leave noLhlng lnslde.'
'Was Lhen,' conLlnued LockharL, 'and Lhen l wanL Lhls recelver puL ln hls head.' Pe
showed Mr 1agllonl Lhe mlnlaLure recelver. Mr 1agllonl was adamanL.
'no room. Pls head ls sLuffed wlLh coLLon wool.'
'Well Lake some ouL and puL Lhls ln and leave space for Lhe baLLerles. And whlle
you're abouL lL l wanL hls [aw Lo move. l've an elecLrlc moLor here. Look, l'll show you.'
lor Lhe resL of Lhe mornlng, Lhe laLe Mr llawse was wlred for sound and by Lhe Llme
Lhey had flnlshed lL was posslble Lo hear hls hearL beaL when a swlLch was pulled. Lven hls
eyes, now Lhose of Lhe Llger, swlvelled ln hls head aL Lhe Louch of a buLLon on Lhe remoLe
conLrol. AbouL Lhe only Lhlng he couldn'L do was walk or lle down flaL. lor Lhe resL he looked
raLher healLhler Lhan he had done of laLe and cerLalnly sounded as arLlculaLe.
'8lghL,' sald LockharL when Lhey had LesLed hlm ouL, 'now you can drlnk your flll.'
'Who?' sald Mr 1agllonl, by Lhls Llme Lhoroughly confused. 'Plm or me?'
'?ou,' sald LockharL and lefL hlm Lo hls own devlces and Lhe conLenLs of Lhe wlne
cellar. Pe wenL upsLalrs Lo flnd LhaL Mr uodd was also drunk. 1he sound of hls MasLer's volce
lssulng from LhaL fearful efflgy ln Lhe cellar had been Loo much even for hls sLurdy soul and
he was half-way Lhrough a boLLle of hls own norLhumbrlan brew. LockharL Look Lhe whlsky
from hlm.
'l'll need your help Lo geL Lhe old man Lo bed,' he sald, 'he's sLlff ln Lhe hlp [olnLs and
needs leverlng round corners.'
Mr uodd demurred buL evenLually beLween Lhem Lhey goL Mr llawse, clad ln hls red
flannel nlghLgown, lnLo bed where he saL up bellowlng and calllng on Lhe AlmlghLy Lo save
hls soul.
'?ou've goL Lo admlL he's very reallsLlc,' sald LockharL. 'lL ls [usL a plLy we dldn'L Lhlnk
of Laplng hls uLLerances earller.'
'lL's more a plLy we ever LhoughL of Laplng Lhem aL all,' sald Mr uodd drunkenly, 'and
l wlsh hls [aw wouldna go up and down llke LhaL. lL puLs me ln mlnd of a goldflsh wlLh
asLhma.'
'8uL Lhe eyes are abouL rlghL,' sald LockharL. 'l goL Lhem from Lhe Llger.'
'?e dlnna have Lo Lell me,' sald Mr uodd and surprlslngly broke lnLo 8lake. '1lger,
Llger burnlng brlghL ln Lhe foresLs of Lhe nlghL. WhaL demenLed hand and eye framed Lhy
awful clrculLry?'
'l dld,' sald LockharL proudly, 'and l'm flxlng hlm a wheelchalr so LhaL he can move
abouL Lhe house on hls own and l'll dlrecL lL by remoLe conLrol. 1haL way no one wlll suspecL
he lsn'L sLlll allve and l'll have Llme Lo see lf Lhls Mr 8oscombe ln Arlzona ls my faLher,'
'8oscombe? A Mr 8oscombe?' sald Mr uodd. 'And for why would you be Lhlnklng he
was your faLher?'
'Pe wroLe a greaL many leLLers Lo my moLher,' sald LockharL and explalned how he
had goL Lhem.
'?e'll be wasLlng your Llme gannlng afLer Lhe man,' sald Mr uodd. 'Mlss ueynLry was
rlghL. l recall Lhe llLLle man and he was a poor wee Lhlng LhaL your mlLher had no Llme for.
?ou had besL look closer home.'
'Pe's Lhe only lead l've goL,' sald LockharL, 'unless you can suggesL a more llkely
candldaLe.'
Mr uodd shook hls head. 'l'll Lell you Lhls Lhough. 1he auld blLch has goL wlnd of
whaL ye're up Lo and knows Lhe old man ls dead. lf ye gan off Lo Amerlca she'll flnd a way ouL
of Lhe house Lo alerL Mr 8ullsLrode. ?e saw whaL she dld Lhe oLher nlghL. 1he woman's
desperaLe dangerous and Lhere's Lhe lLallan down below ls a wlLness Lo Lhe deed. ?e hadna
LhoughL of LhaL.'
LockharL pondered a whlle. 'l was golng Lo Lake hlm back Lo ManchesLer,' he sald.
'Pe has no ldea where he has been.'
'Aye buL he's a flne knowledge of Lhe house and he's seen our faces,' sald Mr uodd,
'and wlLh Lhe woman hollerlng LhaL Lhe man was sLuffed lL wlll Lake no Llme for Lhe law Lo
puL Lwo and Lwo LogeLher.'

uown ln Lhe cellar Mr 1agllonl had puL far more Lhan Lwo and Lwo LogeLher and was drlnklng
hlmself lnsenslble on crusLed porL. Pe saL surrounded by empLy boLLles proclalmlng ln
garbled Lones LhaL he was Lhe flnesL sLuffer ln Lhe world. lL was noL a word he llked Lo use
buL hls Longue could no longer wrap lLself round anyLhlng so polysyllablc as LaxldermlsL.
'1here he goes agaln wlLh hls blaLherlng and boasLlng,' sald Mr uodd as Lhey sLood aL
Lhe Lop of Lhe cellar sLeps, 'Lhe flnesL sLuffer ln Lhe world lndeed. 1he word has Loo many
meanlngs for my llklng.'
Mrs llawse shared hls dlsLasLe. 1led Lo Lhe bed on whlch she herself had been
sLuffed by her laLe sLuffed husband Mr 1agllonl's reperLolre fllled her wlLh dread. Mr llawse
dld noL help. Mr uodd had lnserLed a Lape casseLLe labelled 'lamlly PlsLory, llndlngs ln',
whlch Lhanks Lo LockharL's elecLronlc lngenulLy no sooner ended Lhan lL rewound lLself and
repeaLed lLs flndlngs _ad nauseam._ Slnce Lhe Lape was forLy-flve mlnuLes long and Look
Lhree Lo rewlnd Mrs llawse was sub[ecLed from below Lo Mr 1agllonl's drunken boasLs and
from Lhe bedroom across Lhe landlng Lo endless re-runs of Lhe Lale of Peadman llawse,
8lshop llawse golng Lo Lhe sLake, and a reclLaLlon of MlnsLrel llawse's song beneaLh Lhe
glbbeL. lL was Lhls lasL whlch affecLed her.

'l gan noo wha ma organs gan
When ofL l lay abed,
So rlLher hang me upslde doon
1han by ma empLy head.'

1he flrsL sLanza was bad enough buL Lhe resL were even worse. 8y Lhe Llme Mrs llawse had
heard Lhe old man apparenLly demand flfLeen Llmes LhaL Slr Cswald's arse be prlsed aparL
and he be glven back hls prlck because he couldn'L walL for Cswald Lo dle before he had a
pee, hls wldow was ln much Lhe same condlLlon. noL LhaL she wanLed a prlck, buL she
cerLalnly couldn'L walL much longer Lo have a pee. And all day LockharL and Mr uodd saL ouL
of earshoL ln Lhe klLchen debaLlng whaL Lo do.
'We canna leL Lhe LaLln go,' sald Mr uodd. 'lL would be beLLer Lo dlspose of hlm
alLogeLher.'
8uL LockharL's mlnd was worklng along more economlcal llnes. Mr 1agllonl's
repeaLed boasL LhaL he was Lhe world's flnesL sLuffer and Lhe amblgulLy of LhaL remark gave
hlm pause for LhoughL. And Mr uodd's aLLlLude was sLrange. Pls adamanL denlal LhaL Mr
8oscombe ln ury 8ones was Mlss llawse's lover and hls own faLher had been convlnclng.
When Mr uodd sald someLhlng lL was lnvarlably Lrue. CerLalnly he dldn'L lle Lo LockharL--or
hadn'L ln Lhe pasL. And now he was sLaLlng caLegorlcally LhaL Lhe leLLers were no clue. lL was
whaL Mlss ueynLry and Lhe old 8omany had warned hlm. 'aper and lnk wlll do you no
good.' LockharL accepLed Lhe facL and yeL wlLhouL Mr 8oscombe he was wlLhouL Lhe
posslblllLy of flndlng hls faLher before lL was known LhaL hls grandfaLher was dead. Mr uodd
was rlghL on LhaL polnL. Mrs llawse knew and knowlng would Lell as soon as she was
released. Per screams rlslng Lo a crescendo LhaL drowned even old Mr llawse's lamlly
PlsLory and Mr 1agllonl's garbled uLLerances declded LockharL Lo go Lo her rellef. 8y Lhe Llme
he unlocked Lhe bedroom door she was screamlng LhaL lf she dldn'L have a pee soon lL was
less a quesLlon of anyone else dylng Lhan of her bursLlng. LockharL unLled her and she
wobbled Lo Lhe earLh closeL. When she reLurned Lo Lhe klLchen LockharL had made up hls
mlnd,
'l have found my faLher,' he announced. Mrs llawse sLared aL hlm wlLh loaLhlng.
'?ou're a llar,' she sald, 'a llar and a murderer. l saw whaL you had done Lo your
grandfaLher and don'L Lhlnk...'
LockharL dldn'L. 8eLween Lhem he and Mr uodd dragged Mrs llawse up Lo her room
and Lled her agaln Lo Lhe bed. 1hls Llme Lhey gagged her.
'l Lold you Lhe auld wlLch knew Loo much,' sald Mr uodd, 'and slnce she's llved for
money she'll noL dle wlLhouL lL, LhreaLen her how you may.'
'1hen we musL foresLall her,' sald LockharL and wenL down Lo Lhe cellar. Mr 1agllonl,
on Lo hls flfLh boLLle, regarded hlm hazlly Lhrough bloodshoL eyes.
'llnesL Laxl...sLuffer ln Lhe world. Me,' he burbled, 'fox, flowl, phleasanL, you name lL
l'll sLuff lL. And now l've sLuffed a man. WhaLcha Lhlnk of LhaL?'
'uaddy,' sald LockharL and puL hls arm round Mr 1agllonl's shoulder affecLlonaLely,
'my own dear daddy.'
'uaddy? Whose flucklng daddy?' sald Mr 1agllonl, Loo drunk Lo appreclaLe Lhe new
role he was belng casL ln. LockharL helped hlm Lo hls feeL and up Lhe sLalrs. ln Lhe klLchen Mr
uodd was busy aL Lhe sLove maklng a poL of coffee. LockharL propped Lhe LaxldermlsL up
agalnsL Lhe seLLle where he Lrled Lo focus hls eyes on Lhese new and clrcllng surroundlngs. lL
Look an hour and a plnL of black coffee LogeLher wlLh a greaL deal of sLew Lo sober hlm up.
And all Lhe Llme LockharL lnslsLed on calllng hlm daddy. lf anyLhlng more was needed Lo
unnerve Lhe lLallan lL was Lhls.
'l'm noL your flucklng daddy,' he sald, 'l don'L know whaL you're Lalklng abouL.'
LockharL goL up and wenL Lo hls grandfaLher's sLudy and unlocked Lhe safe hldden
behlnd Lhe collecLed works of SurLees. When he reLurned he was carrylng a wash-leaLher
bag. Pe beckoned Lo Mr 1agllonl Lo come Lo Lhe Lable and Lhen empLled Lhe bag's conLenLs
ouL ln fronL of hlm. A Lhousand gold soverelgns llLLered Lhe scrubbed plne Lable. Mr 1agllonl
goggled aL Lhem,
'WhaL's all LhaL money dolng Lhere?' he asked. Pe plcked a soverelgn up and
flngered lL. 'Cold. ure gold.'
'All for you, uaddy,' sald LockharL.
lor once Mr 1agllonl dldn'L quesLlon Lhe word. 'lor me? ?ou're paylng me ln gold for
sLufflng a man?'
8uL LockharL shook hls head. 'no, daddy, for someLhlng else.'
'WhaL?' sald Lhe LaxldermlsL susplclously.
'lor belng my faLher,? sald LockharL. Mr 1agllonl's eyes swlvelled ln hls head almosL
as lncredulously as Lhe Llger's dld ln Lhe old man.
'?our faLher?' he gasped. '?ou wanL me Lo be your faLher? lor why should l be your
faLher? ?ou musL have one already.'
'l am a basLard,' sald LockharL buL Mr 1agllonl knew LhaL already.
'So even a basLard musL have a faLher. ?our moLher was a vlrgln?'
'?ou leave my moLher ouL of Lhls,' sald LockharL and Mr uodd shoved a poker lnLo
Lhe glowlng flre of Lhe range. 8y Lhe Llme lL was red-hoL Mr 1agllonl had made up hls mlnd.
LockharL's alLernaLlves lefL hlm llLLle cholce.
'Ck, l agree. l Lell Lhls Mr 8ullsLrode l am your faLher. l don'L mlnd. ?ou pay me Lhls
money. ls flne wlLh me. AnyLhlng you say.'
LockharL sald a loL more. 1hey concerned Lhe llkely prlson senLence Lo be
pronounced on a LaxldermlsL who had sLuffed an old man, havlng ln all llkellhood flrsL
murdered hlm for Lhe Lhousand gold soverelgns ln hls safe.
'l no murdered anyone,' sald Mr 1agllonl franLlcally, 'you know LhaL. Pe was dead
when l came here.'
'?ou prove lL,' sald LockharL. 'Where are hls vlLal organs Lo be examlned by a pollce
surgeon and forenslc experL Lo say when he dled?'
'ln Lhe cucumber frames,' sald Mr uodd lnvolunLarlly. lL was a clrcumsLance LhaL
haunLed hls mlnd.
'never mlnd LhaL,' sald LockharL, 'Lhe polnL l'm maklng ls LhaL you'll never be able Lo
prove you dldn'L klll my grandfaLher and Lhls money ls Lhe moLlve. 8esldes, we don'L llke
forelgners ln Lhese parLs. 1he [ury would be blased agalnsL you.'
Mr 1agllonl acknowledged LhaL llkellhood. CerLalnly everyLhlng else ln whaLever
parLs he was seemed Lo have a blas agalnsL hlm.
'Ck, Ck. l say whaL you wanL me Lo say,' he sald, 'and Lhen l go wlLh all Lhls money?
8lghL?'
'8lghL,' sald LockharL, 'you have my word as a genLleman.'

1haL nlghL Mr uodd wenL Lo 8lack ockrlngLon and, havlng flrsL collecLed Mlss ueynLry's car
from Lhe old llme klln, drove Lo Pexham Lo lnform Mr 8ullsLrode LhaL he and ur Magrew
were requlred nexL day aL Lhe Pall Lo cerLlfy Lhe sworn sLaLemenL of LockharL's faLher LhaL
he was lndeed responslble for Mlss llawse's pregnancy. Pe Lhen reLurned Lhe car Lo ulvlL
Pall.
LockharL and Mr 1agllonl saL on ln Lhe klLchen whlle Lhe lLallan learnL hls llnes.
upsLalrs Mrs llawse sLruggled wlLh her own. She had made up her mlnd LhaL noLhlng, noL
even Lhe prospecL of a forLune, was golng Lo keep her lylng Lhere ln walL for a slmllar end Lo
LhaL of her husband. Come hell or hlgh waLer she was golng Lo geL loose from Lhe bed and
absenL from Lhe Pall, and noL even Lhe LhoughL of belng pursued by Lhe llawse pack would
deLer her from maklng her escape. unable Lo express herself vocally because of Lhe gag, she
concenLraLed on Lhe ropes LhaL Lled her Lo Lhe lron bedsLead. She pushed her hands down
and pulled Lhem back over and over agaln wlLh a LenaclLy LhaL was a measure of her fear.
And ln Pexham Mr 8ullsLrode perLlnaclously Lrled Lo persuade ur Magrew Lo reLurn
wlLh hlm Lo llawse Pall Lhe nexL mornlng. ur Magrew was noL easlly lnduced. Pls lasL vlslL
had had a qulLe remarkable adverse effecL on hlm.
'8ullsLrode,' he sald, 'lL does noL come easlly Lo me ln my professlonal capaclLy Lo
reveal Lhe confldences of a man l have known so many years and who may and lndeed
probably ls aL Lhls momenL on hls deaLhbed, buL l have Lo Lell you LhaL old Ldwln had harsh
Lhlngs Lo say abouL you when lasL l beard hlm.'
'lndeed,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'he was doubLless rambllng ln dellrlum. ?ou cannoL rely
on Lhe saylngs of a senlle old man.'
'1rue,' sald ur Magrew, 'buL Lhere was a cerLaln preclslon abouL some of hls
commenLs LhaL dldn'L suggesL senlllLy Lo me.'
'Such as?' sald Mr 8ullsLrode. 8uL ur Magrew was noL prepared Lo say. l wlll noL
repeaL slander,' he sald, 'buL l am noL of a mlnd Lo go back Lo Lhe Pall unLll Ldwln ls elLher
dead or ready Lo apologlze Lo you.'
Mr 8ullsLrode Look a more phllosophlcal and flnanclally advanLageous vlew of Lhe
maLLer. 'As hls personal physlclan you know besL,' he sald, 'buL for myself l do noL lnLend Lo
forgo my professlonal fee as hls sollclLor, and Lhe esLaLe ls a large one and wlll Lake a good
deal of wlndlng up. 8esldes, Lhe wlll ls sufflclenLly amblguous Lo provlde ferLlle ground for
llLlgaLlon. now lf LockharL has found hls faLher l doubL very much lf Mrs llawse wlll noL
conLesL Lhe lssue and Lhe plcklngs of such a lengLhy courL acLlon would be conslderable. lL
would be foollsh afLer so many years amlcable acqualnLance wlLh Ldwln Lo fall hlm ln hls
hour of need.'
'8e lL on your own head,' sald ur Magrew. 'l wlll come wlLh you buL l warn you Lhere
are sLrange occurrences golng on aL Lhe Pall and l care noL for Lhem.'


ChapLer LlghLeen


Pe llked Lhem even less when Lhe followlng mornlng Mr 8ullsLrode sLopped hls car aL Lhe
gaLed brldge and walLed for Mr uodd Lo come and unlock lL. Lven aL Lhls dlsLance Mr
llawse's volce could be heard curslng Lhe AlmlghLy and blamlng hlm for Lhe sLaLe of Lhe
unlverse. As usual Mr 8ullsLrode's polnL of vlew was more pragmaLlc.
'l cannoL say l agree wlLh hls senLlmenLs,' he sald, 'buL lf as you asserL he has sald
some unklnd words abouL me lL would appear LhaL l am aL leasL ln good company.'
Pe wasn'L Len mlnuLes laLer. Mr 1agllonl's appearance dld noL lnsplre confldence.
1he LaxldermlsL had been Lhrough Loo many lnexpllcable horrors Lo be aL hls besL and whlle
LockharL had spenL half Lhe nlghL seelng Lo lL LhaL hls 'faLher' was word perfecL ln hls new
role, drlnk, fear and sleeplessness had done noLhlng Lo lmprove hls looks. Mr 1agllonl's
cloLhes Loo had suffered. rovlded by LockharL from hls grandfaLher's wardrobe Lo replace
Lhe bloodsLalned garmenLs Lhe LaxldermlsL had been wearlng before, noLhlng flLLed aL all
preclsely. Mr 8ullsLrode looked aL hlm wlLh dlsmay and ur Magrew wlLh medlcal concern.
'Pe doesn'L look a very flL man Lo me,' he whlspered Lo Lhe sollclLor as Lhey followed
LockharL lnLo Lhe sLudy.
'l cannoL express an oplnlon on hls healLh,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'buL Lhe word flL does
noL apply Lo hls apparel.'
'lL doesn'L apply Lo a man who ls shorLly Lo be flogged wlLhln an lnch of hls llfe,' sald
ur Magrew. Mr 8ullsLrode sLopped ln hls Lracks.
'Cood Lord,' he muLLered, 'LhaL sLlpulaLlon had qulLe passed ouL of my mlnd.'
lL had never enLered Mr 1agllonl's. All he wanLed Lo do was Lo geL ouL of Lhls
dreadful house wlLh hls llfe, repuLaLlon and money sLlll lnLacL.
'WhaL are we walLlng for?' he asked as Mr 8ullsLrode heslLaLed.
'CulLe,' sald LockharL, 'leL us geL on wlLh Lhe buslness.' Mr 8ullsLrode swallowed.
'Would lL noL be more proper Lo have presenL your grandfaLher and hls wlfe?' he lnqulred.
'AfLer all Lhe one drew Lhe wlll and lasL LesLamenL up and Lhe oLher would appear Lo be
abouL Lo be deprlved of Lhose beneflLs she would oLherwlse have recelved under lL.'
'My grandfaLher has sLaLed LhaL he does noL feel up Lo leavlng hls bed,' sald LockharL
and walLed whlle Mr llawse's volce made fresh lnroads lnLo, Lhls Llme, ur Magrew's
professlonal repuLaLlon. 'l Lhlnk l can safely say Lhe same for my sLep-grandmoLher. She ls aL
presenL lndlsposed and naLurally my faLher's appearance here Loday, wlLh all lLs
consequences for her flnanclally, mlghL be sald Lo chafe her more Lhan a llLLle.'
lL was no more Lhan Lhe LruLh. A nlghL spenL rubblng Lhe ropes LhaL bound her hands
up and down agalnsL Lhe lron bedsLead had lndeed chafed her buL she sLlll perslsLed whlle
down ln Lhe sLudy Mr 1agllonl repeaLed word for word whaL he had been LaughL. Mr
8ullsLrode wroLe down hls words and was ln splLe of hlmself lmpressed. Mr 1agllonl sLaLed
LhaL he had been employed as a casual labourer by Lhe WaLerworks aL Lhe Llme and belng an
lLallan had naLurally aLLracLed Lhe aLLenLlon of Mlss llawse.
'l couldn'L help lL,' he proLesLed, 'l am lLallan and Lngllsh ladles, you know how
Lngllsh ladles llke...'
'CulLe,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode who knew whaL was comlng and wasn'L prepared Lo llsLen
Lo lL. 'And so you fell ln love?' he conLlnued Lo lmprove upon Lhe slngularly dlsLresslng LasLes
ln Lhe maLLer of forelgners dlsplayed by Lhe laLe Mlss Clarlssa llawse.
'?es We fall ln love. ?ou could puL lL llke LhaL.'
MuLLerlng Lo hlmself LhaL he wlshed Lo hell he couldn'L, Mr 8ullsLrode wroLe Lhls
down. 'And Lhen whaL?'
'WhaL do you Lhlnk? l sLuff her.'
Mr 8ullsLrode wlped hls bald head wlLh a handkerchlef whlle ur Magrew's eyes
blazed llvldly aL Lhe lLallan.
'?ou had sexual lnLercourse wlLh Mlss llawse?' sald Mr 8ullsLrode when he could
brlng hlmself Lo speak.
'Sexual lnLercourse? l don'L know. We fuck. 8lghL? llrsL l fuck her. 1hen she fuck me.
1hen--'
'So help me Cod someone else ls golng Lo fuck you lf you don'L shuL up,' shouLed ur
Magrew.
'now whaL l say wrong?' asked Mr 1agllonl. '?ou...'
LockharL lnLervened. 'l don'L Lhlnk we need go lnLo any furLher deLalls,' he sald
paclflcally. Mr 8ullsLrode expressed hls fervenL agreemenL. 'And you are prepared Lo swear
on oaLh LhaL Lo Lhe besL of your knowledge you are Lhe faLher of Lhls man?' he asked.
Mr 1agllonl sald he was. '1hen lf you'll [usL slgn here,' Mr 8ullsLrode wenL on and
handed hlm Lhe pen. Mr 1agllonl slgned.
Pls slgnaLure was wlLnessed by ur Magrew. 'And may one ask whaL your presenL
occupaLlon ls?' Mr 8ullsLrode asked lnadvlsedly.
'?ou mean whaL l do?' sald Mr 1agllonl. Mr 8ullsLrode nodded. Mr 1agllonl heslLaLed
and Lhen, afLer so many lles, declded Lo Lell Lhe LruLh. 8efore ur Magrew could geL aL hlm
LockharL had husLled Lhe lLallan ouL of Lhe room. 8ehlnd hlm Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew
were lefL speechless.
'uld you ever hear Lhe llke?' sald ur Magrew when aL lasL hls palplLaLlons had abaLed
somewhaL. '1he bloody swlne has Lhe gall Lo sLand Lhere and...'
'My dear Magrew,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'l can only say LhaL l now undersLand why Lhe
old man sLlpulaLed ln hls wlll LhaL Lhe basLard's faLher should be flogged Lo wlLhln an lnch of
hls llfe. Pe musL have had some lnkllng, you know.'
ur Magrew agreed. 'ersonally l would have preferred hlm Lo have sLlpulaLed
someLhlng sLronger,' he sald, 'llke half a mlle beyond lL.'
'8eyond whaL?' asked Lhe sollclLor.
'8eyond hls llfe,' sald ur Magrew and helped hlmself Lo some of Mr llawse's whlsky
whlch sLood on a Lray ln Lhe corner, Mr 8ullsLrode [olned hlm.
'1haL ralses a very lnLeresLlng polnL,' he sald when Lhey had drunk one anoLher's
healLh and Lhe lll-healLh of Mr 1agllonl. 'Whlch ls qulLe slmply whaL consLlLuLes 'wlLhln an
lnch of hls llfe'. 1he quesLlon of measuremenL would seem Lo me Lo be cruclal.'

'l hadn'L LhoughL of LhaL,' sald ur Magrew, 'and now LhaL you menLlon lL l can see
greaL ob[ecLlons. A more exacL sLaLemenL would, l suppose, have been wlLhln an lnch of hls
deaLh.'
'1haL sLlll doesn'L answer Lhe quesLlon. Llfe ls Llme. We speak of a man's llfeLlme, noL
hls llfe-space. And an lnch ls noL a funcLlon of Llme.'
'8uL we also speak of a long llfe,' sald ur Magrew, 'and LhaL surely lmplles spaLlal
exLenslon. now lf we assume LhaL by a long llfe we mean elghLy years, and l Lhlnk LhaL a falr
esLlmaLe, l suppose we can Lake as our sLandard Lhree-score years and Len. ersonally l am
glad Lo suspecL from Lhe colour of LhaL wreLched lLallan's complexlon and hls general
physlque LhaL Lhe swlne has a far shorLer llfe expecLancy Lhan LhaL lald down ln Lhe 8lble. LeL
us say Lo be on Lhe safe slde, slxLy years. now we have Lo Lransfer an lnch Lo a scale of Llme
relaLlve Lo slxLy years...'
1hey were lnLerrupLed by Lhe enLrance of LockharL who announced LhaL Lo avold
dlsLurblng hls grandfaLher and dlsLresslng Mrs llawse he had declded Lo conducL Lhe second
parL of Lhe ceremony ln Lhe peel Lower.
'uodd's geLLlng hlm ready for Lhe flogglng,' he sald. '1he Lwo old men followed hlm
ouL sLlll deep ln dlspuLaLlon as Lo whaL consLlLuLed Lo wlLhln an lnch of llfe.
'An lnch of llfe,' sald ur Magrew, 'leaves us ln facL Lwo lnches Lo play wlLh, one
before deaLh and one afLer. now deaLh lLself ls an lndeLermlnaLe sLaLe and before acLlng lL
would be as well Lo declde whaL we mean by lL. Some auLhorlLles deflne lL as Lhe momenL
Lhe hearL sLops beaLlng, oLhers would have lL LhaL Lhe braln belng Lhe organ of
consclousness ls capable of subslsLlng beyond Lhe momenL of Llme ln whlch Lhe hearL sLops
funcLlonlng. now, slr, leL us deflne...'
'ur Magrew,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode as Lhey crossed Lhe dwarf garden, 'as a lawyer l am
noL quallfled Lo [udge Lhe lssue. 1he Lerm 'Lo wlLhln an lnch of hls llfe' does noL allow of Lhe
man dylng. l would noL have been parLy Lo a lasL wlll and LesLamenL whlch sLlpulaLed Lhe
murder of LockharL's faLher no maLLer how sLrongly l may feel abouL Lhe maLLer personally.
Murder ls agalnsL Lhe law...'
'So ls flogglng,' sald ur Magrew. 1o lay down ln a wlll LhaL a man musL be flogged Lo
wlLhln an lnch of hls llfe ls Lo make us boLh parLles Lo a crlme.'
1hey had enLered Lhe peel Lower and hls volce echoed among Lhe dusLy baLLle-flags
and anclenL armour. An eyeless Llger bared lLs LeeLh above Lhe greaL open hearLh. Manacled
Lo Lhe opposlLe wall, Mr 1agllonl gave volce Lo hls ob[ecLlons.
'WhaL do you mean flogged?' he screamed buL Mr uodd puL a bulleL ln hls mouLh.
'1o glve hlm someLhlng Lo blLe on,' he explalned. 'lL was an old cusLom ln Lhe army.'
Mr 1agllonl spaL Lhe bulleL ouL. '?ou crazy?' he yelled. 'WhaL more do you wanL from
me? llrsL l goL Lo...'
'keep Lhe bulleL beLween your LeeLh,' lnLerrupLed Mr uodd and replaced lL. Mr
1agllonl sLruggled wlLh Lhe bulleL and flnally goL lL lnLo a corner of hls cheek where lL bulged
llke a quld of Lobacco.
'l Lell you l don'L wanL Lo be flogged. l came here Lo sLuff someone. l sLuff hlm.
now...'
'1hank you, Mr uodd,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode as LhaL servanL sllenced Lhe lLallan wlLh hls
grlmy handkerchlef. 'lf anyLhlng persuades me LhaL Lhe wlll oughL Lo be carrled ouL accordlng
Lo Lhe splrlL of Lhe law raLher Lhan Lhe leLLer lL ls hls consLanL reference Lo sLufflng. l flnd Lhe
Lerm slngularly ob[ecLlonable, l musL say.'
'And was l noL mlsLaken ln Lhlnklng LhaL Lhe gender was wrong Loo?' sald ur
Magrew, 'l could have sworn he sald 'Plm','
Mr 1agllonl would have sworn Loo lf he could buL Mr uodd's handkerchlef ln
comblnaLlon wlLh Lhe bulleL was dolng Lhlngs Lo hls LasLe buds and hls breaLhlng LhaL Look
whaL was lefL of hls mlnd off exLernal clrcumsLances. Pe Lurned from whlLe Lo damson. ln a
far corner of Lhe hall LockharL was pracLlslng wlLh hls horsewhlp on a flgure ln armour and
Lhe room rang Lo Lhe clang of Lhe whlp. 1he sound recalled Mr 8ullsLrode Lo hls professlonal
recLlLude.
'l am sLlll unpersuaded LhaL we should proceed before deLermlnlng Lhe exacL
measuremenL of an lnch of llfe,' he sald. 'erhaps we should consulL Mr llawse hlmself Lo
flnd ouL whaL preclsely he meanL.'
l doubL you'll geL a raLlonal answer ouL of Lhe man,' sald Mr uodd, all Lhe whlle
wonderlng whlch casseLLe would glve an even approxlmaLe answer Lo Lhe quesLlon. Pe was
saved Lhe Lrouble by ur Magrew. Mr 1agllonl's complexlon had progressed from damson Lo
off-black.
'l Lhlnk lL would be as well Lo allow your faLher some alr,' he Lold LockharL, 'my
PlppocraLlc oaLh wlll noL allow me Lo aLLend deaLh by suffocaLlon. Cf course lf Lhls were a
hanglng...'
As Mr uodd removed Lhe handkerchlef and bulleL Mr 1agllonl regalned a beLLer
complexlon and a volublllLy LhaL was wasLed on hls audlence. Pe sLood shouLlng ln lLallan.
llnally, unable Lo hear Lhemselves dlspuLe, ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode wenL ouL lnLo Lhe
garden ln dlsgusL.
'l flnd hls cowardlce conLempLlble,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'buL Lhe lLallans foughL very
badly ln Lhe war.'
'Whlch hardly helps us solve our presenL problem,' sald ur Magrew, 'and as a man of
some compasslon even for such swlne l would suggesL LhaL we acL ln sLrlcL accordance Lo Lhe
wlll and flog Lhe bruLe Lo wlLhln an lnch of hls llfe.'
'8uL...' began Mr 8ullsLrode. ur Magrew wenL back lnLo Lhe hall and spoke Lo Mr
uodd above Lhe dln. resenLly Mr uodd lefL Lhe hall and reLurned flve mlnuLes laLer wlLh a
ruler and a pencll. ur Magrew Look Lhem and approached Mr 1agllonl. laclng Lhe ruler an
lnch from hls shoulder and marklng Lhe polnL wlLh Lhe pencll he proceeded down Lhe
lLallan's rlghL slde maklng pencll marks on Lhe sLucco wall and [olnlng Lhem LogeLher so LhaL
Lhey formed an ouLllne one lnch from Lhe man.
'l Lhlnk LhaL ls preclse,' he announced proudly. 'LockharL my boy, you may go ahead
and flog Lhe wall up Lo Lhe pencll llne and you wlll have flogged Lhe man Lo wlLhln an lnch of
hls llfe. l Lhlnk LhaL saLlsfles Lo Lhe leLLer Lhe condlLlons of your grandfaLher's wlll.'
8uL as LockharL advanced wlLh Lhe whlp, Mr 1agllonl fulfllled Lhe old man's lasL
LesLamenL Lo Lhe splrlL. Pe slumped down Lhe wall and was sllenL. LockharL looked aL hlm ln
annoyance.
'Why's he gone LhaL funny colour?' he asked. ur Magrew opened hls bag and Look
ouL hls sLeLhoscope. A mlnuLe laLer he shook hls head and pronounced Mr 1agllonl dead.
'1haL's Lorn lL,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'now whaL Lhe hell do we do?'

8uL Lhe quesLlon was Lo remaln unanswered for Lhe Llme belng. lrom wlLhln Lhe house Lhere
came a serles of Lerrlble shrleks. Mrs llawse had freed herself and had evldenLly dlscovered
Lhe full exLenL of her laLe husband's dlsmembermenL. As Lhe llLLle group ln Lhe peel hall
sLood and, wlLh Lhe excepLlon of Mr 1agllonl, llsLened, Lhe shrleks Lurned Lo lnsane laughLer.
'Curse Lhe woman,' sald Mr uodd and charged Lowards Lhe door, 'l should have
known beLLer Lhan Lo have lefL Lhe blLch alone so long.' Pe dashed across Lhe yard and lnLo
Lhe house. LockharL and hls grandfaLher's Lwo old frlends followed. As Lhey enLered Lhe Pall
Lhey saw Mrs llawse sLandlng aL Lhe Lop of Lhe sLalrs whlle Mr uodd wrlLhed aL Lhe boLLom
and cluLched hls groln.
'CeL her from behlnd,' he advlsed LockharL, 'she's goL me ln Lhe fronL.'
'1he woman's lnsane,' sald ur Magrew unnecessarlly as LockharL headed for Lhe
back sLalrs. Mrs llawse was bawllng abouL Lhe old man belng dead and noL lylng down.
'Co see for yourselves,' she crled and scuLLled lnLo her room. ur Magrew and Mr
8ullsLrode wenL cauLlously up Lhe sLalrs.
'lf as you say Lhe woman ls _non compos menLls'_ sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'LhaL only
makes whaL has [usL occurred all Lhe more regreLLable. Pavlng parLed wlLh her mlnd she has
also rellnqulshed any rlghL Lo Lhe esLaLe under Lhe wlll Lhus negaLlng Lhe necesslLy for LhaL
dlsgusLlng forelgner's sLaLemenL.'
'noL Lo menLlon Lhe swlne's deaLh,' sald ur Magrew. 'l suppose we had beLLer pay
our compllmenLs Lo Ldwln.'
1hey Lurned Lowards old Mr llawse's bedroom whlle aL Lhe fooL of Lhe sLalrs Mr
uodd Lrled Lo dlssuade Lhem.
'Pe's noL seelng anyone,' be shouLed buL Lhe LruLh of Lhls remark escaped Lhem. 8y
Lhe Llme LockharL, comlng sLealLhlly up Lhe back sLalrs Lo avold belng klcked ln Lhe groln by
hls demenLed moLher-ln-law, arrlved, Lhe landlng was empLy and ur Magrew had Laken hls
sLeLhoscope ouL and was applylng lL Lo Mr llawse's chesL. lL was noL Lhe wlsesL of moves and
Mr llawse's subsequenL ones were appalllng Lo behold. LlLher Lhe docLor's bedslde manner
or Mr 8ullsLrode's accldenLal Lreadlng on Lhe remoLe conLrol acLlvaLed Lhe mechanlsm for
Lhe old man's parLlal anlmaLlon. Pls arms waved wlldly, Lhe Llger's eyes rolled ln hls head, hls
mouLh opened and shuL and hls legs convulsed. Cnly Lhe sound was off, Lhe sound and Lhe
bedcloLhes whlch hls legs klcked off Lhe bed so LhaL Lhe full exLenL of hls rewlrlng was
revealed. Mr 1agllonl had noL chosen Lhe klndesL spoL for Lhe wlres Lo exLrude and Lhey
hung llke some Lerrlble elecLronlc ureLhra. As Mr 1agllonl had sald aL Lhe Llme, lL was Lhe lasL
place anyone examlnlng hlm would Lhlnk of looklng. lL was cerLalnly Lhe lasL place ur
Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode wanLed Lo look buL by Lhe very complexlLy of Lhe wlres Lhey
couldn'L Lake Lhelr eyes off Lhe Lhlng.
'1he [uncLlon box and earLh,' LockharL explalned addlng a crlckeLlng Lerm Lo Lhelr
confuslon, 'and Lhe aerlal. 1he ampllfler ls under Lhe bed and l've only goL Lo Lurn Lhe
volume up...'
'uon'L, for Cod's sake, don'L do anyLhlng of Lhe sorL,' pleaded Mr 8ullsLrode, unable
Lo dlsLlngulsh beLween spaLlal volume and ouLpuL and convlnced LhaL he was abouL Lo be
prlvy Lo an erecLlon. Mr llawse's reacLlons were awful enough wlLhouL LhaL dreadful
addlLlon.
'l've goL hlm on Len waLLs per channel,' LockharL wenL on buL ur Magrew
lnLerrupLed.
'As a medlcal man l have never been ln favour of euLhanasla,' he gasped, 'buL Lhere's
such a Lhlng as susLalnlng llfe beyond Lhe bounds of human reason and Lo wlre a
man's...uear Cod!'
lgnorlng Mr 8ullsLrode's plea LockharL had Lurned Lhe volume up and besldes
LwlLchlng and [erklng Lhe old man now gave volce,
''1was ever Lhus wlLh us,' he bellowed, a sLaLemenL ur Magrew felL cerLaln musL be
unLrue, 'llawse blood runs ln our velns and carrles wlLh lL Lhe bacLerla of our ancesLral slns.
Aye, slns and sancLlLy so lnLerLwlned Lhere's many a llawse gone Lo Lhe block a marLyr Lo hls
forebears' loves and lusLs. Would LhaL lL were noL so, Lhls deLermlnlsm of lnherlLance, buL l
have known myself Loo well Lo doubL Lhe urgency of my lnveLeraLe deslres...'
1here was equally no doubLlng Lhe urgency of ur Magrew's and Mr 8ullsLrode's
deslres. 1hey wanLed Lo geL Lhe hell ouL of Lhe room and away as fasL as Lhelr legs would
carry Lhem buL Lhe magneLlsm of Lhe old man's volce (Lhe casseLLe was labelled 'llawse,
Ldwln 1yndale, Self-Cplnlons of) held Lhem--LhaL and LockharL and Mr uodd sLandlng
lmplacably beLween Lhem and Lhe door.
'And l musL say, congenlLally speaklng, LhaL l am as much a moss Lrooper aL hearL as l
am an Lngllshman and a man of so-called clvlllzaLlon, albelL LhaL clvlllzaLlon Lo whlch l was
born and bred has gone and Laken wlLh lL LhaL prlde ln belng an Lngllshman whlch so
susLalned us ln Lhe pasL. Where ls Lhe proud crafLsman now, and where Lhe self-rellance of
Lhe worklng man? Where Loo Lhe managers of men and greaL machlnes LhaL were Lhe envy
of Lhe world? All gone and ln Lhelr place Lhe Lngllshman a beggar has become, Lhe world's
beggar, whlnlng cap ln hand for alms Lo help supporL hlm Lhough he does no work nor now
produces goods Lhe world wlll buy. All cloLh ls shoddy and all sLandards dropped. And Lhls
because no pollLlclan dared Lo Lell Lhe LruLh buL bowed and crlnged and boughL Lhelr voLes
Lo empLy power by promlses as empLy as Lhemselves. Such scum as Wllson, aye and 1orles
Loo, would make kelr Pardy and ulsraell boLh agree, Lhls was noL Lhelr meanlng of
democracy, Lhls bread and clrcuses LhaL makes of men a mass and Lhen desplses Lhem. So
has old Lngland gone Lo poL slnce l was born and laws belng broken by Lhe men who passed
Lhem from 8llls Lo AcLs of arllamenL, belng broken by Lhe MlnlsLers Lhemselves, whaL law ls
lefL a man should now obey when all are ouLlawed by bureaucracy. Aye, bureaucraLs who
pay Lhemselves wlLh money begged and borrowed, or sLolen from Lhe pockeLs of Lhe
worklng man. 1hese clvll-servlce maggoLs on Lhe body pollLlc who feed upon Lhe roLLlng
corpse of Lngland LhaL Lhey kllled...'
LockharL swlLched Lhe old man off and ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode breaLhed a slgh
of Lerrlble rellef. lL was shorL-llved. LockharL had more ln sLore for Lhem.
'l had hlm sLuffed,' he sald proudly, 'and you, docLor, proclalmed hlm healLhy when
he was already dead. As uodd's my wlLness so you dld.'
Mr uodd nodded. 'l heard Lhe docLor so proclalm,' he sald. LockharL Lurned Lo Mr
8ullsLrode. 'And you were lnsLrumenLal ln Lhe kllllng of my faLher,' he sald. '1he sln of
paLrlclde..,'
'l dld noLhlng of Lhe sorL,' sald Lhe sollclLor. 'l refuse...'
'uld you or dld you noL draw up my grandfaLher's wlll?' he asked. Mr 8ullsLrode sald
noLhlng. 'Aye, you dld and Lhus we Lhree all sLand convlcLed of compllclLy ln murder. l would
have you conslder Lhe consequences carefully.'
Already lL seemed Lo ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode LhaL ln LockharL's volce Lhey
heard Lhe unmlsLakable Lone of Lhe old man slLLlng sLuffed beslde Lhem, Lhe same
unshakable arrogance and LhaL dread loglc LhaL nelLher porL nor learned dlspuLaLlon nor,
now lL seemed, even deaLh could LoLally dlspel. 1hey followed hls lnsLrucLlons Lo Lhe leLLer
and consldered Lhe consequences very well lndeed.
'l musL confess Lo flndlng myself perplexed,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode flnally. 'As your
grandfaLher's oldesL frlend l feel bound Lo acL Lo hls besL advanLage and ln a way he would
have llked.'
'l doubL very much he would have llked belng sLuffed,' sald ur Magrew. 'l know l
wouldn'L.'
'8uL on Lhe oLher hand, as an offlcer of Lhe law and a Commlssloner of CaLhs l have
my duLy Lo perform. My frlendshlp conLradlcLs my duLy. now lf lL were posslble Lo say LhaL
Mr 1agllonl dled a naLural deaLh...'
Pe looked expecLanLly aL ur Magrew.
'l can'L belleve a coroner would flnd Lhe clrcumsLances proplLlous Lo such a verdlcL. A
man chalned by hls wrlsLs Lo a wall may dle a naLural deaLh buL be chose an unnaLural
poslLlon Lo do lL ln.'
1here was a gloomy sllence and flnally Mr uodd spoke. 'We could add hlm Lo Lhe
conLenLs of Lhe cucumber frames,' he sald.
'1he conLenLs of Lhe cucumber frames?' sald ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode
slmulLaneously, buL LockharL lgnored Lhelr curloslLy.
'My grandfaLher expressed a wlsh noL Lo be burled,' he sald, 'and l lnLend Lo see hls
wlshes carrled ouL.'
1he Lwo old men looked unwllllngly aL Lhelr dead frlend. 'l cannoL see hlm slLLlng Lo
anyone's advanLage ln a glass case,' sald ur Magrew, 'and lL would be a mlsLake Lo suppose
we can malnLaln Lhe flcLlon of hls llfe perpeLually. l gaLher LhaL hls wldow knows.'
Mr uodd agreed wlLh hlm.
'Cn Lhe oLher hand,' sald LockharL, 'we can always bury Mr 1agllonl ln hls place.
CrandfaLher ls so [olnLed lL would Lake a consplcuously rlghL-angled coffln Lo flL hlm ln and l
don'L suppose Lhe publlclLy aLLached Lo such a conLrapLlon would do us any good.'
Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew were of Lhe same oplnlon.
'1hen Mr uodd wlll flnd hlm a sulLable slLLlng place,' sald LockharL, 'and Mr 1agllonl
wlll have Lhe honour of [olnlng Lhe llawse ancesLors aL 8lack ockrlngLon. ur Magrew, l LrusL
you have no ob[ecLlons Lo maklng ouL a cerLlflcaLe of deaLh, of naLural deaLh, for my
grandfaLher?'
ur Magrew looked doubLfully aL hls sLuffed paLlenL.
'LeL us [usL say LhaL l won'L leL appearances Lo Lhe conLrary lnfluence my [udgemenL,'
he sald. 'l suppose l could always puL lL LhaL he shuffled off Lhls morLal coll.'
'A Lhousand naLural shocks LhaL flesh ls helr Lo, would cerLalnly seem Lo flL Lhe case,'
sald Mr 8ullsLrode. And so lL was agreed.

1wo days laLer a solemn corLege lefL llawse Pall led by Lhe brougham ln whlch lay Lhe coffln
conLalnlng Mr 1agllonl. lL made lLs melancholy way along Lhe gaLed road Lo Lhe church aL
8lack ockrlngLon where, afLer a shorL servlce ln whlch Lhe vlcar spoke movlngly and wlLh
unconsclous perclplence abouL Lhe dead man's love of wlld llfe and lLs preservaLlon, Lhe
LaxldermlsL was lald Lo resL beneaLh a LombsLone whlch proclalmed hlm Ldwln 1yndale
llawse of llawse Pall. 8orn 1887 and Cone Lo Pls Maker 1977. 8elow LockharL had had
lnscrlbed a sulLably enlgmaLlc verse for Lhem boLh.

Ask noL who look upon Lhls sLone
lf he who lles here, lles alone.
1wo faLhers share Lhls ploL of land,
1he one acqulred, Lhe oLher grand.

Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew looklng upon lL found lL approprlaLe lf noL ln Lhe besL of LasLe.
'l dlsllke Lhe emphasls on lles,' sald ur Magrew.
'l sLlll have grave reservaLlons abouL Mr 1agllonl's clalm Lo be Lhe basLard's faLher,'
sald Mr 8ullsLrode. '1haL 'acqulred' has a nasLy rlng Lo lL buL l don'L suppose we shall ever
know Lhe whole LruLh.'
'l slncerely hope no one else does,' sald ur Magrew. 'uo we know lf he lefL a wldow?'
Mr 8ullsLrode sald he LhoughL lL besL noL Lo lnqulre. CerLalnly Mr llawse's wldow dld
noL aLLend Lhe funeral. She wandered Lhe house demenLedly and occaslonally walled, buL
her crles were drowned by Lhe whlnes of Lhe llawse hounds baylng Lhe passlng of Lhelr
creaLor. And occaslonally as lf ln royal saluLe Lhere came Lhe boom of a gun flrlng on Lhe
arLlllery range Lo Lhe wesL.
'l wlsh Lhe old blLch would go Lhe same way herself,' sald LockharL afLer Lhe funeral
breakfasL. 'lL would save' a loL of Lrouble.'
'Aye, lL would LhaL,' Mr uodd agreed. 'lL never does Lo have your mlLher-ln-law llvlng
ln Lhe same house wlLh a young couple. And you'll be movlng ln wlLh your wlfe shorLly na
doubL.'
'As soon as l have made flnanclal arrangemenLs, Mr uodd,' sald LockharL. 'l have one
or Lwo maLLers sLlll Lo aLLend Lo ln Lhe souLh.'
nexL day he caughL Lhe Lraln from newcasLle and by evenlng was back ln SandlcoLL
CrescenL.


ChapLer nlneLeen


1here everyLhlng had changed. 1he houses had all been sold, even Mr C'8raln's, and Lhe
CrescenL was once more lLs quleL undlsLurbed suburban self. ln !esslca's bank accounL
639,000 nesLled Lo her credlL, Lhe manager's effuslveness and Lhe greaL expecLaLlons of Lhe
Chlef CollecLor of 1axes who could hardly walL Lo apply Lhe regulaLlons governlng CaplLal
Calns. LockharL's mllllon pounds ln damages from Mlss Coldrlng and her ersLwhlle publlshers
were lodged ln a bank ln Lhe ClLy acqulrlng lnLeresL buL oLherwlse unLouchable by Lhe Lax
auLhorlLles whose mandaLe dld noL allow Lhem Lo lay hands on wealLh obLalned by such
soclally producLlve meLhods as gambllng, fllllng ln fooLball pool coupons correcLly, playlng
Lhe horses or wlnnlng 30,000 by lnvesLlng one pound ln remlum 8onds. Lven blngo prlzes
remalned lnvlolaLe. So for Lhe Llme belng dld !esslca's forLune and LockharL lnLended lL Lo
remaln LhaL way.
'All you have Lo do,' he Lold her nexL mornlng, 'ls Lo see Lhe manager and Lell hlm
you are wlLhdrawlng Lhe enLlre sum ln used one-pound noLes. ?ou undersLand?'
!esslca sald she dld and wenL down Lo Lhe bank wlLh a large empLy sulLcase. lL was
sLlll large and empLy when she reLurned.
'1he manager wouldn'L leL me,' she sald Learfully, 'he sald lL was lnadvlsable and
anyway l have Lo glve a week's noLlce before l can wlLhdraw money ln my deposlL accounL.'
'Ch dld he?' sald LockharL. 'ln LhaL case we wlll go down agaln Lhls afLernoon and
glve hlm a week's noLlce.'
1he meeLlng ln Lhe bank manager's offlce dld noL go smooLhly. 1he knowledge LhaL
so valued a cusLomer lnLended Lo lgnore hls advlce and wlLhdraw such an enormous sum ln
such small denomlnaLlons had rubbed away a greaL deal of hls effuslveness.
'ln used one-pound noLes?' he sald lncredulously. '?ou surely can'L mean LhaL. 1he
work lnvolved...'
'Wlll go some way Lo maklng good Lhe proflL you have recelved from my wlfe's
deposlL,' sald LockharL. '?ou charge hlgher raLes for overdrafLs Lhan you pay for deposlLs.'
'?es, well we have Lo,' sald Lhe manager. 'AfLer all...'
'And you also have Lo reLurn Lhe money Lo cusLomers when Lhey requlre lL and ln
Lhe legal Lender Lhey choose,' conLlnued LockharL, 'and lf my wlfe wanLs used one-pound
noLes.'
'l can'L lmaglne whaL for,' sald Lhe manager, 'l would have LhoughL lL Lhe helghL of
folly for you Lo leave Lhls bulldlng wlLh a sulLcase of unLraceable noLes. ?ou mlghL be robbed
ln Lhe sLreeL.'
'We mlghL equally well be robbed ln here,' sald LockharL, 'and Lo my way of Lhlnklng
we have been by Lhe dlscrepancy beLween your raLes of lnLeresL. 1he value of LhaL money
has been depreclaLlng Lhanks Lo lnflaLlon ever slnce you've had lL. ?ou won'L deny LhaL.'
1he manager couldn'L. 'lL's hardly our faulL LhaL lnflaLlon ls a naLlonal problem,' he
sald. 'now lf you wanL some advlce as Lo Lhe besL lnvesLmenL...'
'We have one ln mlnd,' sald LockharL. 'now, we wlll ablde by our underLaklng noL Lo
wlLhdraw Lhe money wlLhouL glvlng you a week's noLlce provlded you leL us have Lhe money
ln used pound noLes. l hope LhaL ls clear.'
'?es,' sald Lhe manager for whom lL wasn'L buL who dldn'L llke Lhe look on Mr
llawse's face. 'lf you wlll come ln on 1hursday lL wlll be ready for you.'
!esslca and LockharL wenL back Lo number 12 and spenL Lhe week packlng.
'l Lhlnk lL would be besL Lo send Lhe furnlLure up by 8rlLlsh 8all,' sald LockharL.
'8uL don'L Lhey lose Lhlngs? l mean look whaL happened Lo mummy's car.'
'1hey have Lhe advanLage, my dear,LhaL whlle Lhlngs frequenLly don'L arrlve aL Lhelr
proper desLlnaLlon Lhey lnvarlably fall Lo be reLurned Lo Lhelr polnL of deparLure. l rely on
Lhls lnefflclency Lo prevenL anyone knowlng where we have gone Lo.'
'Ch, LockharL, you are clever,' sald !esslca. 'l hadn'L LhoughL of LhaL. 8uL why are you
addresslng LhaL packlng-case Lo Mr !ones ln Ldlnburgh? We don'L know any Mr !ones ln
Ldlnburgh.'
'My love,' sald LockharL, 'no more we do and no more does 8rlLlsh 8all buL l wlll be
Lhere aL Lhe sLaLlon wlLh a renLed van Lo collecL lL and l very much doubL lf anyone wlll be
able Lo Lrace us.'
'?ou mean we're golng Lo hlde?' sald !esslca.
'noL hlde,' sald LockharL, 'buL slnce l have been classlfled as sLaLlsLlcally and
bureaucraLlcally non-exlsLenL and Lhereby lnellglble Lo Lhose beneflLs Lhe Welfare SLaLe ls
sald Lo provlde, l have noL Lhe sllghLesL lnLenLlon of provldlng Lhe SLaLe wlLh any of Lhose
beneflLs we have been able Lo accrue. ln shorL noL one penny ln lncome Lax, noL one penny
ln CaplLal Calns 1ax, and noL one penny ln anyLhlng. l don'L exlsL and belng non-exlsLenL
lnLend Lo reap my reward.'
'l hadn'L LhoughL of lL llke LhaL,' sald !esslca, 'buL you're qulLe rlghL. AfLer all falr's
falr.'
'Wrong,' sald LockharL. 'noLhlng ls falr.'
'Well, Lhey do say 'All's falr ln love and war', darllng,' sald !esslca.
'Whlch ls Lo lnverL Lhe meanlng of Lhe word,' sald LockharL, 'or Lo reduce lL Lo mean
LhaL Lhere are no rules governlng one's conducL. ln whlch case all ls falr ln love, war and Lax
evaslon. lsn'L LhaL Lrue, 8ouncer?'
1he bull-Lerrler looked up and wagged hls sLump. Pe had Laken Lo Lhe llawse famlly.
1hey seemed Lo look wlLh favour on Lhose feroclous aLLrlbuLes for whlch he and hls fellow
bull-Lerrlers had been bred, namely Lhe blLlng of Lhlngs and hanglng on llke grlm deaLh.
And so by Lhe followlng 1hursday Lhe conLenLs of Lhe house had been packed and
dlspaLched Lo Ldlnburgh by 8rlLlsh 8all Lo be collecLed Lhere by Mr !ones and lL only
remalned Lo go Lo Lhe bank and flll Lhe sulLcase wlLh Lhe used one-pound noLes. LockharL
had already wlLhdrawn hls mllllon ln Lhe same form from hls bank ln Lhe ClLy. 1he manager
Lhere had been more cooperaLlve, largely Lhanks Lo LockharL's explanaLlon LhaL he needed
Lhe money lmmedlaLely as he was conducLlng a llLLle LransacLlon concernlng oll wells wlLh
Lhe Shelk of Araby who wanLed hls money ln colnage, and preferably ln flve penny pleces.
1he LhoughL of counLlng one mllllon pounds ouL ln flve-penny pleces had so daunLed Lhe
manager LhaL he had done hls uLmosL Lo persuade LockharL Lo accepL one-pound noLes. And
LockharL had relucLanLly agreed provlded Lhey were used.
'Why used?' asked Lhe manager. 'Surely new noLes would be preferable?'
'1he Shelk has a susplclous mlnd,' sald LockharL. 'Pe asked for colns Lo ensure LhaL
Lhey were real money and noL forged. lf l Lake hlm new noLes he wlll lmmedlaLely suppose
he ls belng swlndled.'
'8uL he could easlly check wlLh us or Lhe 8ank of Lngland,' sald Lhe manager, who
had noL kepL up wlLh 8rlLaln's decllnlng repuLaLlon ln currency maLLers.
'Cood Cod,' he muLLered when LockharL explalned Lhe Shelk genulnely belleved Lhe
old saylng LhaL an Lngllshman's word was hls bond and consequenLly LhoughL all Lngllshmen
llars by vlrLue ln Lhe fall ln Lhe value of 8rlLlsh bonds, 'LhaL lL should have come Lo Lhls.'
8uL he had handed over one mllllon pounds ln used noLes and had been Lhankful Lo
see Lhe back of such a dlsllluslonlng cusLomer.
1he bank manager ln LasL ursley was less easlly persuaded.
'l sLlll Lhlnk you are acLlng mosL unwlsely,' he Lold !esslca when she enLered wlLh Lhe
sulLcase. '?our moLher, l feel sure, would never have followed such a very rash procedure.
She was always exLremely careful where money was concerned and she had a shrewd mlnd
flnanclally speaklng. l can recall her advlce ln 1972 Lo buy gold. l wlsh now LhaL l had
followed lL.'

And Mrs llawse's lnLeresL ln gold conLlnued. As he spoke she was followlng lLs Lrall from Lhe
Pall and every few yards along Lhe paLh she sLopped Lo plck up anoLher gold soverelgn.
Ahead of her Mr uodd walked sLeadlly and every so ofLen dropped anoLher from Lhe laLe Mr
1agllonl's relmbursemenL. 8y Lhe Llme he had covered a Lhousand yards he had dropped Lwo
hundred soverelgns on Lhe paLh, one every flve yards. AfLer LhaL he lengLhened Lhe space Lo
LwenLy yards buL sLlll Mrs llawse, obllvlous Lo all else, followed, muLLerlng greedlly Lo
herself. 8y Lhe Lwo-Lhousand-yard mark Mr uodd had dropped Lwo hundred and flfLy and
Mrs llawse had plcked as many up. And all Lhe Llme Lhe Lrall of gllLLerlng gold led wesL pasL
Lhe plne Lrees by Lhe reservolr ouL on Lo Lhe open fell. AL Lhree Lhousand yards Mr uodd had
sLlll seven hundred soverelgns lefL ln Lhe wash-leaLher bag. Pe paused beneaLh a slgn whlch
sald 'uAnCL8. MlnlS18? Cl uLlLnCL ll8lnC-8AnCL. Ln18? S18lC1L? lC88luuLn', and
consldered lLs message and Lhe morallLy of hls acLlon. 1hen observlng Lhe mlsL LhaL drlfLed
across Lhe arLlllery range and belng a man of honour declded LhaL he musL proceed. 'WhaL's
good for Lhe goose ls good for Lhe gander,' he muLLered and Lhen changed lL Lo whaL was
bad for Lhe goose necesslLaLed some rlsk Lo Lhe gander. Pe dropped more colns, Lhls Llme
closer LogeLher Lo qulcken Lhe pace. AL four Lhousand yards he was down Lo flve hundred
soverelgns and aL flve Lhousand Lhe washleaLher bag sLlll held four hundred. And as Lhe
money Lhlckened on Lhe ground so dld Lhe mlsL above lL. AL elghL Lhousand yards Mr uodd
empLled Lhe remnanLs on Lhe ground, scaLLerlng Lhem ln Lhe heaLher Lo be searched for.
1hen he Lurned and ran. Mrs llawse was nowhere Lo be seen buL her demenLed muLLerlng
came Lhough Lhe mlsL. So dld Lhe flrsL shell. lL bursL on Lhe hlllslde and senL shrapnel
scuddlng pasL Mr uodd's head and he redoubled hls pace. Mrs llawse dldn'L. ueaf Lo Lhe
sound of Lhe arLlllery she walked on, sLopplng and sLooplng and gaLherlng Lhe golden hoard
whlch llke some legend come Lo llfe held her aLLenLlon Lo Lhe excluslon of all else. lf Lhls Lrall
of bulllon conLlnued she would be a rlch woman. 1he markeL value of each old soverelgn
was LwenLy-slx pounds and gold had been rlslng. And already she had collecLed seven
hundred of Lhe gllLLerlng colns. Mrs llawse foresaw a splendld fuLure. She would leave Lhe
Pall. She would llve ln luxury wlLh yeL anoLher husband, a young one Lhls Llme Lo be bullled
and puL Lo work and made Lo serve her sexual requlremenLs. WlLh each sLop and sLoop she
was more lnflamed wlLh greed and lusL and made an audlL of her good forLune. llnally aL
elghL Lhousand yards Lhe Lrall dwlndled and sLopped. 8uL Lhe gold gleamed ln Lhe heaLher all
round and she scrabbled wlLh her flngers for each remalnlng one. 'l musLn'L mlss any,' she
muLLered.
AL four Lhousand yards Lo Lhe souLh Lhe men of Lhe 8oyal ArLlllery were equally
deLermlned noL Lo mlss Lhelr LargeL. 1hey couldn'L see lL buL Lhe range was rlghL and havlng
brackeLed lL Lhey prepared Lo flre a salvo. Ahead of Lhem Mrs llawse found Lhe lasL coln and
saL on Lhe ground wlLh Lhe gold gaLhered ln her sklrL and began Lo counL, 'Cne, Lwo, Lhree,
four, flve...' She goL no furLher. 1he 8oyal ArLlllery had llved up Lo Lhelr repuLaLlon and Lhe
slx-gun salvo had scored a dlrecL hlL. Where Mrs llawse had been slLLlng Lhere was a large
craLer around whose perlmeLer lay scaLLered, llke golden confeLLl from some exLravaganL
weddlng, one Lhousand soverelgns. 8uL Lhen Mrs llawse had always marrled money. Cr, as
she had been Lold as a chlld by her avarlclous moLher, 'uon'L marry money, my dear, go
where money ls.' And Mrs llawse had gone.
Mr uodd had Loo buL ln a much more llvely manner. Pe wenL wlLh a clear
consclence. Pe had puL hls own llfe aL rlsk Lo be rld of Lhe auld blLch and as Lhe poeL had lL
'LlberLy's ln every blow! LeL us do or dle!' and Mr uodd had done for llberLy whaL he could
and was sLlll allve. As he sLrode back Lo llawse Pall he was whlsLllng 'Cln a body meeL a
body, Comlng Lhrough Lhe rye. Cln a body klll a body, need a body cry?' Aye, old 8obble
8urns knew whaL he was Lalklng abouL, he LhoughL, even wlLh a llLLle amendmenL Lo hls
meanlng. And when he reached Lhe Pall he llL a flre ln Lhe old man's sLudy and feLchlng hls
plpes saL on Lhe seLLle ln Lhe klLchen and played '1wa Corbles' ln eleglac recognlLlon LhaL o'er
Mrs llawse's whlLe bones already bare Lhe wlnd shall blaw for evermalr Pe was sLlll playlng
when Lhe sound of a horn blown from Lhe locked gaLe on Lhe brldge senL hlm runnlng down
Lhe drlve Lo welcome LockharL and hls wlfe.
'1he llawses are back aL Lhe Pall,' he sald as he opened Lhe gaLe. 'lL's a grand day.'
'Aye, lL's good Lo be back for good,' sald LockharL.

1haL evenlng LockharL dlned ln hls grandfaLher's place aL Lhe oval mahogany Lable wlLh
!esslca slLLlng opposlLe hlm. 8y candlellghL she looked more lnnocenL and lovely Lhan ever
and LockharL llfLed hls glass Lo her. Pe had come lnLo hls glfL agaln as Lhe glpsy had foreLold
and Lhe knowledge LhaL he was now Lruly head of Lhe llawse famlly freed hlm from Lhe
lmposed chasLeness of Lhe pasL. LaLer whlle 8ouncer and Lhe collle eyed one anoLher warlly
ln Lhe klLchen and Mr uodd played a gay Lune of hls own composlng Lo celebraLe Lhe
occaslon, LockharL and !esslca lay noL only ln one anoLher's arms buL someLhlng more.

Such was Lhelr happlness LhaL lL was noL unLll afLer a laLe breakfasL LhaL any menLlon was
made of Mrs llawse's absence.
'l havena seen her slnce yesLerday,' sald Mr uodd. 'She was away across Lhe fell ln
raLher beLLer splrlLs Lhan of laLe.'
LockharL lnvesLlgaLed her bedroom and found Lhe bed had noL been slepL ln.
'Aye, Lhere's a dlscrepancy Lhere,' Mr uodd agreed, 'buL l have a noLlon she's Laklng
her resL all Lhe same.'
8uL !esslca was Loo enchanLed by Lhe house Lo mlss her moLher. She wenL from
room Lo room looklng aL Lhe porLralLs and Lhe flne old furnlLure and maklng plans for Lhe
fuLure.
'l Lhlnk we'll have Lhe nursery ln grandfaLher's old dresslng-room,' she Lold LockharL,
'don'L you Lhlnk LhaL would be a good ldea? 1hen we'll have baby near us.'
LockharL agreed wlLh everyLhlng she suggesLed. Pls mlnd was on oLher Lhlngs Lhan
bables. Pe and Mr uodd conferred ln Lhe sLudy,
'?ou've puL Lhe money ln Lhe whlsky wall wlLh Lhe man?' he asked.
'Aye, Lhe Lrunk and Lhe sulLcases are well hldden,' sald Mr uodd, 'buL you sald LhaL
no one wlll come looklng.'
'8uL l cannoL be cerLaln,' sald LockharL, 'and lL's necessary Lo prepare for
conLlngencles and l dlnna lnLend Lo be dlspossessed of my galns. lf Lhey cannoL flnd Lhe
money Lhey can selze Lhe house and everyLhlng ln lL. l have mlnd Lo prepare for LhaL
evenLuallLy ln advance.'
'lL would be a hard place Lo Lake by force,' sald Mr uodd, 'buL perhaps you have
oLher lnLenLlons.'
LockharL sald noLhlng. Pls pen doodled on Lhe pad ln fronL of hlm and drew a moss
Lrooper pendanL.
'l would raLher avold LhaL necesslLy,' he sald afLer a long sllence. 'l'll have a word
wlLh Mr 8ullsLrode flrsL. Pe always dealL wlLh my grandfaLher's Lax problems. ?ou'll go Lo Lhe
Lelephone ln ockrlngLon and send for hlm.'
nexL day Mr 8ullsLrode arrlved Lo flnd LockharL slLLlng aL Lhe desk ln Lhe sLudy and lL
seemed Lo Lhe sollclLor LhaL a more Lhan subLle change had come over Lhe young man he
had known as Lhe basLard.
'l would have ye know, 8ullsLrode,' sald LockharL when Lhey had exchanged
prellmlnarles, 'LhaL l have no lnLenLlon of paylng ueaLh uuLles on Lhe esLaLe.'
Mr 8ullsLrode cleared hls LhroaL.
'l Lhlnk we can flnd a way Lo avold any large assessmenL,' he sald. '1he esLaLe has
always been run aL a loss. ?our grandfaLher Lended Lo deal only ln cash wlLhouL recelpL and
besldes l have a cerLaln lnfluence wlLh Wyman as hls sollclLor.'
'Why, man?' sald LockharL brusquely.
'Well, Lo be frank because l handled hls dlvorce for hlm and l doubL he would wanL
some of Lhe deLalls of, shall we say, hls sexual propenslLles whlspered abroad,' Mr 8ullsLrode
explalned mlslnLerpreLlng Lhe quesLlon.
'l dlnna care a flg whaL Lhe bloodsucker does abed,' sald LockharL, 'hls name ls
Wyman?'
'As a maLLer of facL you've more or less puL your flnger on whaL he does abed.
SubsLlLuLe for blood a cerLaln appendage and...'
'1he name Wyman, 8ullsLrode, noL Lhe procllvlLy aLLendanL on Lhe appendage.'
'Ch, Lhe name,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, broughL back from Lhose fanLasles Mr Wyman so
frequenLly fosLered ln hls lmaglnaLlon. '1he name ls Mr Wllllam Wyman. Pe ls Per Ma[esLy's
CollecLor of 1axes for Lhe Mlddle Marches. ?ou need have no fear he'll Lrouble you
overmuch.'
'Pe'll noL Lrouble me aL all. '1wlll be L'oLher way round lf he so much as seLs fooL on
llawse lell. ?e'll Lell hlm LhaL.'
Mr 8ullsLrode sald he would buL he sald lL uncerLalnly. 1he change ln LockharL had
exLended Lo hls language whlch before had been LhaL educaLed accenL acqulred from old Mr
llawse buL had now broadened lnLo someLhlng more akln Lo Mr uodd's way of speech.
LockharL's nexL sLaLemenL was sLranger sLlll. Pe sLood up and glared aL Lhe sollclLor. 1here
was a wlld look abouL hls face and hls volce had a dreadful lllL.
'So gan ye back Lo Pexham and Lell Lhe Laxmen Lhere LhaL should Lhey wanL Lo dle
abed and noL Lhe open alr, Lhey'd besL sLeer clear of old llawse Pall and gan anlLher rouLe or
else Lhey'll noL a-hunLlng go buL be Lhemselves Lhe shooL. l wlll noL have an any of Lhem
come peerlng Lhrough my door or spelrlng afLer money LhaL l had made afore. l'll pay my
way and gle my due Lo Lhem as has Lhe need buL leL a Laxman show hls face l'll show lL how
Lo bleed. Aye, Lhey can sweaL and Lhey can sLew and Lhey can gan Lo courL buL l'll hle here
and l'll lle Lhere and nlver l'll be caughL. So warn Lhem, 8ullsLrode, heed my words. l dlnna
wlsh Lo klll buL lf Lhey come a searchlng me so help me Cod l wlll.'
Mr 8ullsLrode had every reason Lo belleve lL. WhaLever--and Lhere was now no
doubL ln hls mlnd LhaL LockharL was no conLemporary buL some congenlLal dlsasLer--
whaLever sLood before hlm and LhreaLened so much ln rhyme meanL every syllable he
uLLered. And a man who could have hls own grandfaLher sLu--Mr 8ullsLrode soughL a
dlverslonary word and found lL ln preserved, was made of sLerner sLuff Lhan Lhe socleLy ln
whlch he was llvlng.
lurLher proof of Lhls supposlLlon came laLer when, havlng been prevalled upon Lo
follow hls former cusLom and sLay for dlnner and Lhe nlghL, he lay ln bed. lrom Lhe klLchen
Lhere came Lhe sound of Mr uodd's norLhumbrlan plpes and wlLh lL a slnglng volce. Mr
8ullsLrode goL ouL of bed and LlpLoed Lo Lhe head of Lhe sLalrs and llsLened. lL was LockharL
slnglng, buL alLhough Mr 8ullsLrode prlded hlmself on hls knowledge of 8order 8allads, Lhe
one he heard LhaL nlghL was none he knew.

'A dead man slLs ln old llawse Pall
1hough burled he should be,
And Lhere he'll slL wlLhln Lhe wall
1lll blossoms Lhe greaL oak Lree.

Aye, blossoms and blooms Lhe oak wlLh bluld
And Lhe moss ls gay wlLh red,
And so he'll slL and so he'll brood
1lll all Lhe warld be dead.

So saddle my horse and summon Lhe pack
And we'll answer Lhe call of Lhe wlld
lor l'll break Lhe bounds LhaL held me back
Slnce l was a dyke-born chlld.

1he old llawse clan and Lhe old laas' gang
And Lhe Lroopers are back on Lhe moss
And Lhe warnlng bells wlll agaln be rang
1lll Lhey hang me from Llsdon Cross.'

As Lhe song dled away and Lhe Lhln call of Lhe plpes was losL ln Lhe sllence of Lhe house. Mr
8ullsLrode, shlverlng more from fuLure fears Lhan presenL cold, crepL quleLly back Lo bed.
WhaL he had [usL heard conflrmed hls premonlLlon. LockharL llawse was ouL of Lhe dlm and
dangerous pasL when Lhe moss Lroopers roamed 1yndale and 8edesdale and ralded caLLle
from Lhe low counLry on Lhe easL coasL. And havlng ralded Lhey had hldden ln Lhelr
sLrongholds ln Lhe hlgh hllls. WlLh LhaL wlld lawlessness Lhere had come Loo poeLry as harsh
and unfllnchlngly Lraglc ln lLs vlew of llfe as lL was gay ln Lhe face of deaLh. Mr 8ullsLrode,
crouchlng beneaLh Lhe blankeLs, foresaw dlre days ahead. llnally, wlLh a sllenL prayer LhaL
Mr Wyman would llsLen Lo reason and noL lnvlLe dlsasLer, Mr 8ullsLrode managed Lo snaLch
some sleep.


ChapLer 1wenLy


8uL Lhere were forces already aL work Lo nulllfy Lhe hope expressed ln Mr 8ullsLrode's
prayer. Mr Wyman was qulLe prepared Lo llsLen Lo reason nexL mornlng when Lhe sollclLor
reLurned Lo Pexham wlLh hls warnlng buL Per Ma[esLy's CollecLor of 1axes for Lhe Mlddle
Marches was no longer ln conLrol of Lhe slLuaLlon. ln London a far more formldable flgure ln
Lhe person of Mr Mlrkln, Senlor CollecLor SuperLax ulvlslon (sub-deparLmenL, Lvaslon of) aL
Lhe lnland 8evenue offlces had been alerLed Lo Lhe posslblllLy LhaL Mr and Mrs llawse,
prevlously of number 12 SandlcoLL CrescenL and now of no known address, had wlLhdrawn
639,000 ln used one-pound noLes wlLh Lhe lnLenLlon of noL paylng CaplLal Calns 1ax. 1hls
had been broughL Lo hls noLlce by Lhe bank manager of Lhe LasL ursley branch of !esslca's
bank who happened Lo be a close frlend of Mr Mlrkln and who had been plqued by her
refusal Lo accepL hls advlce. Pe had been more Lhan plqued by LockharL's aLLlLude. ln hls
oplnlon someLhlng very flshy was golng on. ln Lhe oplnlon of Mr Mlrkln lL was more Lhan
flshy, lL sLank.
'1ax evaslon,' he sald, 'ls a crlme agalnsL socleLy of Lhe very gravesL sorL. 1he man
who falls Lo conLrlbuLe Lo Lhe economlc good deserves Lhe mosL severe punlshmenL.' Whlch,
slnce Mr Mlrkln's lncome derlved enLlrely from Lhe conLrlbuLlons of soclally producLlve
persons, was an oplnlon boLh undersLandable and self-servlng. 1he very magnlLude of Lhe
sum lnvolved merely lncreased hls sense of ouLrage. 'l shall pursue Lhls maLLer Lo Lhe ends of
Lhe earLh lf need be.'
8uL such lengLhs were noL needed. 1he laLe Mrs llawse had wrlLLen Lo Lhe bank
manager lnformlng hlm of her change of address. 1haL she had changed lL yeL agaln made no
dlfference Lo Mr Mlrkln. Pe consulLed Lhe Lax reglsLer for norLhumberland and conflrmed
LhaL a Mr llawse, who had ln facL pald no Lax for flfLy years, neverLheless llved aL llawse Pall
on llawse lell and where Lhe moLher was, her daughLer was llkely Lo be. Leavlng all oLher
duLles aslde Mr Mlrkln Lravelled flrsL class aL Lhe counLry's expense Lo newcasLle and Lhen,
Lo emphaslze hls sLaLus ln Lhe hlerarchy of 1ax CollecLors, by hlred car Lo Pexham. WlLhln
Lwo days of Mr 8ullsLrode's vlslL and warnlng, Mr Wyman found hlmself Lrylng Lo explaln Lo
a very superlor superlor how lL was LhaL a Mr llawse who owned an esLaLe of flve Lhousand
acres and seven LenanL farms had falled Lo make hls conLrlbuLlon Lo Lhe naLlonal Lxchequer
by paylng any lncome Lax for flfLy years.
'Well, Lhe esLaLe had always run aL a loss,' he sald.
Mr Mlrkln's scepLlclsm was poslLlvely surglcal. '?ou serlously expecL me Lo belleve
LhaL?' he asked. Mr Wyman answered LhaL Lhere was no proof Lo Lhe conLrary.
'We shall see abouL LhaL,' sald Mr Mlrkln. 'l lnLend Lo make Lhe mosL Lhorough
lnvesLlgaLlon of Lhe llawse accounLs. ersonally.'
Mr Wyman heslLaLed. Pe was caughL beLween Lhe devll of hls pasL and Lhe deep
blue sea of Lhe Senlor CollecLor SuperLax ulvlslon (sub-deparLmenL, Lvaslon of). Cn Lhe
whole he declded LhaL lL mlghL be as well for hls fuLure lf Mr Mlrkln learnL from personal
experlence how dlfflculL lL was Lo exLracL Laxes from Lhe llawse famlly. Pe Lherefore sald
noLhlng and Mr Mlrkln drove off unwarned.

Pe arrlved aL Wark and was dlrecLed vla 8lack ockrlngLon Lo llawse Pall. 1here he meL hls
flrsL obsLacle ln Lhe shape of Lhe locked gaLe on Lhe brldge over 1he CuL. uslng Lhe lnLercom
whlch LockharL had lnsLalled he spoke Lo Mr uodd. Mr uodd was pollLe and sald he would
see lf hls masLer was aL home.
'1here's a man from Lhe lnland 8evenue down aL Lhe brldge,' he Lold LockharL who
was slLLlng ln Lhe sLudy. 'Pe says he ls Lhe Senlor CollecLor of 1axes, ?ou'll noL be wanLlng Lo
speak Lo hlm.'
8uL LockharL dld speak. Pe wenL Lo Lhe lnLercom and asked Mr Mlrkln by whaL rlghL
he was Lrespasslng on prlvaLe properLy.
'8y my rlghL as Senlor CollecLor of 1axes,' sald Mr Mlrkln, 'and Lhe quesLlon of
prlvaLe properLy does noL arlse. l am enLlLled Lo vlslL you Lo lnqulre lnLo your flnanclal affalrs
and...'
As he spoke Mr uodd lefL Lhe house by way of Lhe klLchen garden and crossed Lhe
fell Lo Lhe dam. Mr Mlrkln, by Lhls Llme Loo lraLe Lo observe Lhe landscape, conLlnued hls
argumenL wlLh LockharL.
'Wlll you or wlll you noL come down and unlock Lhls gaLe?' he demanded. 'lf you
don'L l shall apply for a warranL. WhaL ls your answer?'
'l shall be down ln [usL a momenL,' sald LockharL, 'l have an ldea lL's golng Lo raln and
l'll need an umbrella.' Mr Mlrkln looked up lnLo a cloudless sky. 'WhaL Lhe hell do you mean
you'll need an umbrella?' he shouLed lnLo Lhe lnLercom. '1here's noL a slgn of raln.'
'Ch, l don'L know,' sald LockharL, 'we geL very sudden changes of weaLher ln Lhese
parLs. l have known lL Lo pour down wlLhouL warnlng.'
AL LhaL momenL Mr uodd undld Lhe maln slulce gaLes aL Lhe base of Lhe dam and a
whlLe wall of waLer lssued from Lhe greaL plpes. 1en feeL hlgh lL hurLled down 1he CuL [usL as
Mr Mlrkln was abouL Lo proLesL LhaL he had never heard such nonsense ln hls llfe.
'uownpour lndeed...' he began and sLopped. A horrld surglng nolse sounded round
Lhe corner of Lhe hlllslde. lL was parL hlss and parL Lhunder. Mr Mlrkln sLood and looked
aghasL. 1he nexL momenL he was runnlng hell for leaLher pasL hls car and up Lhe meLalled
Lrack Lowards 8lack ockrlngLon. Pe was Loo laLe. 1he wall of waLer was less Lhan Len feeL
deep now buL of sufflclenL depLh Lo sweep Lhe car and Lhe Senlor CollecLor of 1axes
(SuperLax ulvlslon, eLc.) off Lhelr Lyres and feeL and carry Lhem a quarLer of a mlle down Lhe
valley and lnLo Lhe Lunnel. 1o be preclse, Lhe waLer carrled Mr Mlrkln lnLo Lhe Lunnel whlle
Lhe car lodged lLself across Lhe enLrance. Cnly Lhen dld Mr uodd close Lhe slulce gaLes and,
Laklng Lhe precauLlon of addlng Lhree lnches Lo Lhe ralnwaLer gauge on Lhe wall beslde Lhe
dam, he made hls way back Lo Lhe Pall.
'l doubL he'll be comlng back Lhe same way,' he Lold LockharL who had observed Lhe
CollecLor's submergence wlLh rellsh.
'l wouldn'L be Loo sure,' sald LockharL whlle !esslca, ouL of Lhe klndness of her hearL,
hoped Lhe poor man could swlm.
1here was no klndness ln Mr Mlrkln's hearL by Lhe Llme he had lssued from Lhe
Lunnel a mlle farLher on and havlng been bounced, bashed, Lrundled and sucked Lhrough
several large plpes and Lwo deep Lanks, flnally came Lo resL ln Lhe comparaLlve calm of Lhe
subsldlary reservolr beyond 1ombsLone Law. Palf drowned and badly grazed and wlLh
murder ln hls hearL, noL Lo menLlon waLer everywhere, he clambered up Lhe granlLe bank
and sLaggered Lowards a farmhouse. 1he resL of Lhe way Lo Pexham he Lravelled by
ambulance and was lodged ln Lhe hosplLal Lhere sufferlng from shock, mulLlple abraslons
and _demenLla LaxlLls._ When he could speak agaln, he senL for Mr Wyman.
'l demand LhaL a warranL be lssued,' he Lold hlm.
'8uL we can'L apply for a warranL unless we've sufflclenL evldence of Lax evaslon Lo
convlnce a maglsLraLe,' sald Mr Wyman, 'and qulLe frankly...'
'Who's Lalklng abouL Lax evaslon, you fool?' squawked Mr Mlrkln. 'l'm Lalklng abouL
assaulL wlLh lnLenL Lo klll, aLLempLed murder...'
'!usL because lL ralned raLher hard,' sald Mr Wyman, 'and you goL caughL...'
Mr Mlrkln's reacLlon was so vlolenL LhaL he had Lo be sedaLed and Mr Wyman had Lo
lle on a couch ln AccldenL Lmergencles holdlng hls nose LlghLly above Lhe brldge Lo sLop lL
bleedlng.

8uL Mr Mlrkln was noL Lhe only person Lo suffer a sense of loss. 1he dlscovery of Lhe laLe Mrs
llawse ln a shell craLer surrounded by gold soverelgns came as a shock Lo !esslca.
'oor mummy,' she sald when an offlcer from Lhe 8oyal ArLlllery broughL her Lhe sad
news, 'she never had much bump of dlrecLlon and lL's nlce Lo know she dldn'L suffer. ?ou dld
say deaLh was lnsLanLaneous?'
'AbsoluLely,' sald Lhe offlcer, 'we brackeLed her flrsL and Lhen all slx guns flred a
salvo and we were bang on LargeL.'
'And you say she was surrounded by Soverelgns?' asked !esslca. '1haL would have
made her very proud. She always was a greaL admlrer of Lhe 8oyal lamlly and Lo know LhaL
Lhey were wlLh her ln her hour of need ls a wonderful comforL.'
She lefL Lhe offlcer ln a sLaLe of some perplexlLy and wenL abouL Lhe more urgenL
buslness of nesL-maklng. She was Lwo weeks' pregnanL. lL was lefL Lo LockharL Lo offer hls
apologles Lo Lhe Ma[or for Lhe lnconvenlence caused by Mrs llawse's fallure Lo look where
she was golng.
'l feel very sLrongly abouL Lrespass myself,' he sald as he saw Lhe offlcer Lo Lhe door,
'dlsLurbs Lhe game no end Lo have people hlklng all over Lhe counLryslde and wlLh absoluLely
no rlghL. lf you ask me, and ouL of Lhe hearlng of my wlfe of course, Lhe woman goL whaL
was comlng Lo her. uamned flne shooLlng, whaL!' 1he Ma[or handed over Lhe [am [ar
conLalnlng Mrs llawse and lefL hurrledly.
'1alk abouL sang-bloody-frold,' he muLLered as he drove down Lhe hlll.
8ehlnd hlm Mr uodd was abouL Lo empLy Lhe [am [ar lnLo Lhe cucumber frame when
LockharL sLopped hlm.
'CrandfaLher loaLhed her,' he sald, 'and besldes, Lhere'll have Lo be an offlclal
funeral.'
Mr uodd sald lL seemed a wasLe of a good coffln buL Mrs llawse was lald Lo resL
beslde Mr 1agllonl Lwo days laLer. 1hls Llme LockharL's lnscrlpLlon on Lhe headsLone was only
sllghLly equlvocal and read:

8eneaLh Lhls sLone lles Mrs llawse
Who foollshly wenL ouL of doors.
She meL her end by dlnL of shell,
LeL Lhose LhaL mlssed her wlsh her well.'

!esslca was parLlcularly Louched by Lhe lasL llne.
'Mummy was such a wonderful woman,' she Lold Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew who
puL ln a somewhaL unwllllng appearance aL Lhe funeral, 'she would love Lo know she had
been lmmorLallzed ln poeLry.'
ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode dldn'L share her cerLalnLy.
'l'd have preferred Lhe relaLlve pronoun Lo be a blL more personal Lhan LhaL,' sald
Lhe docLor, looklng aL Lhe wreaLhs and Lhe [am [ar conLrlbuLed by Mr uodd. lL conLalned a
vlxen's brush. Mr 8ullsLrode was raLher more concerned wlLh Lhe Army's role ln Lhe affalr.
'"lrom Lhe offlcers and mess..."' he read underneaLh a large wreaLh, 'from whaL l
have heard Lhey should have lefL Lhe mess ouL. lL would have been more LacLful all Lhlngs
consldered.' As Lhey lefL Lhe churchyard Lhey noLlced LockharL deep ln conversaLlon wlLh Lhe
Ma[or.
'lL does noL augur well,' sald Lhe sollclLor. '?ou heard whaL happened Lo Lhe 1ax
CollecLor?'
ur Magrew had ln facL LreaLed Lhe man. 'l doubL lL wlll be a few days before he's up
and abouL,' he sald. 'l puL boLh hls legs ln plasLer.'
'l had no ldea he had broken Lhem,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode. ur Magrew smlled.
'Pe hadn'L,' he sald, 'buL l LhoughL lL besL Lo be on Lhe safe slde.'
'My feellngs exacLly,' sald Mr 8ullsLrode, 'l wouldn'L wanL Lo plL myself agalnsL Lhe
basLard wlLh hlm ln so close communlon wlLh Lhe Army.'
8uL LockharL's lnLeresL ln mlllLary maLLers was by and large paclflc and concerned
wlLh prevenLlng any furLher accldenL of Lhe sorL LhaL had happened Lo Mrs llawse.
'l'd be happy Lo have you puL your noLlces up a blL closer Lo Lhe house and on my
ground,' he Lold Lhe Ma[or. 'lL would keep people from lnLerferlng wlLh my game.'
WhaL hls game was he kepL Lo hlmself buL Lhe Ma[or was Louched by hls generoslLy.
'l'll have Lo geL permlsslon from Lhe MlnlsLry,' he sald, 'buL lsn'L Lhere anyLhlng else
we can do Lo help?'
'Well, as a maLLer of facL Lhere ls,' sald LockharL.

nexL day he drove Lo newcasLle wlLh a Lraller behlnd Lhe car and when he reLurned boLh car
and Lraller were loaded Lo Lhe brlm wlLh fresh elecLronlc equlpmenL. Pe made Lwo
subsequenL Lrlps and each Llme came back wlLh more blLs and pleces.
'Ch, LockharL,' sald !esslca, 'lL's so nlce Lo know you've goL a hobby. 1here you are ln
your workshop and here am l maklng everyLhlng ready for baby. WhaL was LhaL huge
machlne LhaL came up yesLerday?'
'An elecLrlc generaLor,' sald LockharL, 'l've declded Lo elecLrlfy Lhe house.'
8uL Lo waLch hlm and Mr uodd aL work on llawse lell suggesLed LhaL lL was less Lhe
house Lhan Lhe surroundlng counLryslde LhaL LockharL had declded Lo elecLrlfy. As each day
passed Lhey dug fresh holes and deposlLed loudspeakers ln Lhem and wlred Lhem LogeLher.
'lL wlll be a mlnefleld of Lhe Lhlngs,' sald Mr uodd as Lhey ran a large cable back Lo
Lhe house.
'And LhaL's anoLher Lhlng we'll need,' sald LockharL, 'dynamlLe.'
1wo days laLer Mr uodd pald a vlslL Lo Lhe quarry aL 1ombsLone Law whlle LockharL,
flnally accepLlng Lhe Ma[or's offer of help, spenL several hours on Lhe arLlllery range wlLh a
Lape recorder llsLenlng Lo Lhe guns belng flred.
'1here's [usL one Lhlng more l'd llke,' he sald when he had goL whaL he wanLed,
'some Lapes of auLhenLlc rlfle and machlne-gun flre.'
Cnce agaln Lhe Ma[or was obllglng and deLalled off some men Lo flre rlfles and
machlne-guns across Lhe fell.
'l musL say l Lhlnk lL's an lngenlous ldea,' sald Lhe Ma[or as LockharL packed hls
equlpmenL lnLo Lhe car and prepared Lo leave. 'SorL of blrd scarer, whaL?'
'?ou could puL lL llke LhaL,' sald LockharL and Lhanklng hlm once agaln drove away.
Pe reLurned Lo Lhe Pall Lo flnd Mr uodd walLlng for hlm wlLh Lhe news LhaL he had whaL was
needed Lo make Lhe scene reallsLlc.
'We'll [usL have Lo be sure Lhe sheep don'L Lread on Lhem,' he sald buL LockharL was
of a dlfferenL oplnlon.
'A dead sheep or Lwo won'L come amlss. 1hey'll add a Louch of deaLh Lo Lhe scene. A
few bullocks would, Loo.'

All Lhe whlle Mr Mlrkln hobbled abouL Pexham on cruLches and spenL hours porlng over Lhe
Lax reLurns of old Mr llawse ln Lhe deLermlnaLlon Lo flnd proof of Lax evaslon and someLhlng
LhaL would [usLlfy Lhe lssue of a warranL. 8uL lL was a hopeless Lask. Cld Mr llawse had made
a loss. Cn Lhe oLher hand, one of hls Lax-loss enLerprlses had been a woollen mlll and Lweed-
maklng facLory and Lweed-maklng was sub[ecL Lo value Added 1ax. Mr Mlrkln's LhoughLs
Lurned Lo vA1. lL wasn'L wlLhln hls [urlsdlcLlon buL came under LhaL of CusLoms and Lxclse.
vA1 evaslon and CusLoms and Lxclse? Mr Mlrkln had found whaL he wanLed. 1he Lxclse men
needed no warranL Lo enLer and search an Lngllshman's house, be lL casLle or coL, aL any
Llme of Lhe day or nlghL and Lhelr powers, unllke hls own, were noL sub[ecL Lo Lhe llmlLaLlons
of maglsLraLes, courLs of law or any of Lhe legal lnsLlLuLlons whlch preserved an Lngllshman's
supposed llberLles. 1he Lxclse men were a law unLo Lhemselves and as such enLlrely Lo Mr
Mlrkln's envy and purpose. Pe wenL Lo Lhe offlces of Lhe head vA1 man for Lhe Mlddle
Marches and enllsLed hls curloslLy and help.
'1he besL Llme would be Lo go aL nlghL,' he sald, 'and Lake Lhem by surprlse.'
1he head vA1 man had ralsed ob[ecLlons. '1he Lxclse are noL Loo well llked ln Lhese
parLs,' he sald. 'l would prefer Lo proceed ln a more open and orLhodox way.'
Mr Mlrkln lndlcaLed hls plasLered legs.
'1haL's whaL happened Lo me when l acLed ln an orLhodox and open manner,' he
sald. 'lf you Lake my advlce you'll acL swlfLly aL nlghL. 1here's no one ouL Lhere Lo conLradlcL
your sLaLemenL LhaL you wenL by day.'
'Cnly Mr llawse and hls wlfe and everyone else ln Lhe nelghbourhood,' sald Lhe vA1
man obsLlnaLely. Mr Mlrkln snlggered.
'?ou dldn'L hear whaL l sald,' he Lold Lhe vA1 man. '1he house sLands slx mlles from
Lhe nearesL nelghbour and Lhere's only Mr and Mrs llawse Lhere. now lf you Lake slx men...'
1he vA1 man succumbed Lo hls persuaslon and was lmpressed by Mr Mlrkln's
wllllngness Lo [oln Lhe expedlLlon ln a wheelchalr. Pls advlce abouL avoldlng Lhe valley and
approachlng by way of Lhe dam seemed sound Loo.
'l shall flrsL noLlfy Lhem of Lhe need Lo lnspecL Lhelr books,' he sald, 'and only lf Lhey
refuse wlll l acL accordlng Lo Lhe auLhorlLy lnvesLed ln me by Lhe CovernmenL.'

And so several weeks passed and as many leLLers from CusLoms and Lxclse were senL and
recelved no reply. laced wlLh Lhls flagranL conLempL for hls offlce and Lhe vA1 regulaLlons,
Lhe head vA1 man declded Lo acL. And durlng Lhose weeks LockharL and Mr uodd conLlnued
wlLh Lhelr preparaLlons. 1hey moved more equlpmenL lnLo Lhe valley and on Lo Lhe fells
surroundlng Lhe Pall. 1hey lnsLalled numbers of Lape recorders and enormously powerful
ampllflers ln Lhe whlsky wall and walLed for Lhe nexL move.
lL came wlLh Lhe arrlval of Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew, Lhe sollclLor Lo lnform
LockharL LhaL he had learnL Lhrough Mr Wyman LhaL Lhe Lxclse men lnLended Lo rald Lhe
house LhaL nlghL, and ur Magrew Lo conflrm LhaL !esslca was expecLlng a baby. nelLher of
Lhem expecLed whaL happened LhaL nlghL, when afLer an excellenL dlnner Lhey wenL Lo bed
ln Lhelr old rooms. CuLslde a full moon shone down on Lo Lhe Pall, Lhe fell, Lhe 8lgg, several
hundred sheep, one hundred bullocks, Lhe reservolr, Lhe dam and CuL and half a dozen
Lxclse men LogeLher wlLh Mr Mlrkln on cruLches and Mr Wyman Lo help hlm.


ChapLer 1wenLy-Cne


lL would also be Lrue Lo say LhaL Lhe Lxclse men had no ldea whaL Lo expecL. 1hey had been
warned by Mr Mlrkln's experlence buL as Lhey sLole across Lhe dam all seemed quleL and
peaceful under Lhe brllllanL moon. Pavlng crossed Lhe dam Lhey Look Lhe paLh Lowards Lhe
back enLrance of Lhe Pall. Around Lhem sheep and bullocks grazed and all was sllence and
shadow. 1he only llghL vlslble came from erkln's LookouL where Mr uodd saL waLchlng Lhelr
approach buL, refracLed Lhrough Lhe sLalned glass of Lhe llLLle folly, lL had an aLLracLlve and
raLher charmlng quallLy abouL lL.
WhaL happened nexL hadn'L. 1hey were sLlll a hundred yards from Lhe Pall when Lhe
barrage broke around Lhem, and barrage lL was. And bombardmenL. A Lhousand
loudspeakers bombarded Lhem acousLlcally wlLh Lhe roar of shells, rapld machlne-gun flre,
screams of agony, bombs, fresh screams, larger shells, and a hlgh-plLched whlsLle of such
appalllng frequency LhaL several sheep wenL lmmedlaLely lnsane. Llke elghL men suddenly
awoken 8lp van Wlnkle-llke ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe Somme bombardmenL or aL Alameln, Lhe
Lxclse men Lrled desperaLely Lo Lake cover only Lo flnd LhaL lylng down was even more awful
Lhan sLandlng up from Lhe sound polnL of vlew. Worse sLlll, lL prevenLed Lhem from geLLlng
ouL of Lhe way of maddened sheep and demenLed bullocks sLarLled ouL of Lhelr senses lnLo
panlc by Lhe Lerrlble dln.
Lven ln Lhe house where ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode had been warned LhaL lL
mlghL be more advlsable Lo sleep wlLh Lhelr heads under plllows raLher Lhan on Lop, Lhe
sounds of baLLle were devasLaLlng. ur Magrew who had been on Lhe Somme woke wlLh Lhe
convlcLlon LhaL he was back Lhere whlle Mr 8ullsLrode, convlnced LhaL he was ln dlre perll
from Lxclse men gone berserk and who belng deLermlned noL Lo suffer Mr Mlrkln's faLe had
Laken lL lnLo Lhelr heads Lo bombard Lhe Pall before enLerlng lLs remalns wlLhouL a warranL,
hurled hlmself under hls bed and smashed Lhe chamber poL. Cashed and bleedlng he lay
Lhere wlLh hls flngers ln hls ears Lo Lry and keep Lhe fearful crash of guns ouL. Cnly LockharL
and !esslca and Mr uodd en[oyed whaL was happenlng. rovlded wlLh earplugs, speclally
deslgned ear mufflers and sound-deadenlng helmeLs Lhey were ln a prlvlleged poslLlon.
1he Lxclse men, lacklng any such alds, weren'L. nor were Lhe llawse hounds. Llke
Lhe sheep Lhey wenL crazy. lL was Lhe hlgh-frequency whlsLle LhaL goL Lhem and ln Lhe yard
Lhey slobbered and foamed and foughL Lo geL ouL of Lhe gaLe. Mr uodd leL Lhem. lL had been
ln hls mlnd LhaL Lhey mlghL prove useful yeL and he had Lled a lengLh of sLrlng Lo Lhe bolL.
now he pulled lL and Lhe ravlng pack swarmed ouL Lo [oln Lhe sLampede of demenLed
bullocks, lnsane sheep and franLlc Lxclse men who cascaded ln a horrld panlc-sLrlcken rouL
back Lowards Lhe dam. Cnly Mr Mlrkln sLood hls ground and Lhls lnvolunLarlly. Mr Wyman,
Lo fend off a berserk sheep, had Laken hls cruLches. 1hey had done hlm llLLle good. 1he
sheep had broken Lhe cruLches and qulLe uncharacLerlsLlcally for a normally doclle and
rumlnanL creaLure had blLLen Lhem ln half and charged on chewlng Lhe blLs. Mr Wyman
charged wlLh lL only Lo be blLLen by a llawse hound. Several Lxclse men suffered slmllar
faLes and all Lhe Llme Lhe arLlllery bombardmenL conLlnued, Lhe rlfle flre lncreased, Lhe hlgh-
frequency whlsLle blew flL Lo busL and Mr Mlrkln cluLchlng hls head ln agony Look an unwlse
sLep forward, fell and lay on an exLremely large loudspeaker whlch was resonaLlng aL an
exLremely low frequency. 8efore he knew whaL was happenlng Mr Mlrkln was Lransformed
from Senlor CollecLor of 1axes (SuperLax ulvlslon, sub-deparLmenL, Lvaslon of) of Lhe lnland
8evenue lnLo a sorL of seml-human Lunlng fork, one end of whlch felL as lf lL had been
sucked lnLo a [eL englne aL full power whlle Lhe mlddle lylng on Lop of Lhe low-frequency
loudspeaker began Lo rumble, sLlr, reverberaLe and bounce qulLe horrlbly. Mr Mlrkln's
plasLered legs slmply vlbraLed lnvolunLarlly and aL a frequency LhaL was noL aL all Lo Lhe
advanLage of whaL lay beLween Lhelr upper ends. Around hlm Lhe fell was clear. Sheep,
bullocks, hounds and Lxclse men, all deaf Lo everyLhlng buL Lhe paln ln Lhelr ears, had fled
Lhe fleld and had scampered back across Lhe dam or ln Lhe case of Lwo Lxclse men acLually
dlved lnLo Lhe reservolr where Lhey Lrled Lo keep Lhelr noses above Lhe waLer whlle keeplng
Lhelr ears under.
As Lhey flnally dlsappeared from vlew LockharL Lurned Lhe ampllflers off and Lhe
bombardmenL ceased as suddenly as lL had begun. noL LhaL Mr Mlrkln or Lhe fleelng Lxclse
men elLher knew or cared. 1hey were ln a soundless world ln any case and by Lhe Llme Lhey
reached Lhelr cars on Lhe road and were able Lo volce Lhelr shaLLered feellngs Lhey were
unable Lo geL Lhem heard. Cnly slghL, smell, Louch and frlghL remalned and Lhey sLared back
ln wondermenL aL llawse Pall. lL was sLlll lncredlbly sLandlng and apparenLly unscaLhed by
Lhe bombardmenL. nor were Lhere any craLers Lo be seen and Lhe smoke LhaL should have
obscured Lhelr vlew was qulLe exLraordlnarlly absenL. 8uL aL leasL Lhe paln had gone Loo and
Lhe Lxclse men were abouL Lo cllmb back lnLo Lhelr cars and leave Lhe scene of Lhls frlghLful
experlence when a flgure appeared cllmblng Lhe road from Lhe boLLom of Lhe valley. lL was
LockharL, across hls shoulder llke a sack wlLh wooden legs hung Mr Mlrkln.
'?ou've lefL Lhls Lhlng behlnd,' he sald, and dumped Lhe ex-Senlor CollecLor of 1axes
across Lhe bonneL of Lhe leadlng car. 1he Lxclse men saw hls llps move buL heard noLhlng.
Pad Lhey heard Lhey would have agreed LhaL Mr Mlrkln was a Lhlng. Pe was cerLalnly noL a
human belng. Clbberlng soundlessly and foamlng aL varlous orlflces he had passed beyond
Lhe bounds of sanlLy and would clearly never be Lhe same agaln. 1hey managed Lo geL hlm
lnLo Lhe booL of one of Lhe cars (hls vlbraLlng legs prevenLed hls occupylng a seaL ln Lhe car
lLself) and drove off lnLo Lhe sllenL nlghL.

8ehlnd Lhem LockharL walked happlly back Lo Lhe Pall. Pls experlmenL ln surrogaLe and
purely sonlc warfare had worked splendldly, so splendldly ln facL LhaL as he approached Lhe
house he saw LhaL mosL of Lhe wlndows were broken. Pe would have Lhem repalred nexL
day and ln Lhe meanLlme Lhere was someLhlng Lo celebraLe. Pe wenL lnLo Lhe peel Lower
and llL Lhe flre ln Lhe greaL hearLh. As lL blazed up he Lold Mr uodd Lo feLch Lhe whlsky and
wenL hlmself lnLo Lhe house Lo lnvlLe Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew Lo [oln hlm and !esslca ln
drlnklng a LoasL. Pe had some dlfflculLy maklng hls lnvlLaLlon plaln Lo Lhem buL Lhelr sleep
had been so compleLely lnLerrupLed LhaL Lhey dressed and followed hlm Lo Lhe banqueLlng
hall. Mr uodd was already Lhere wlLh Lhe whlsky and hls plpes and sLandlng ln a llLLle group
beneaLh Lhe baLLle-flags and Lhe swords Lhey ralsed Lhelr glasses.
'WhaL are we golng Lo drlnk Lo Lhls Llme?' asked !esslca and lL was Mr uodd who
supplled Lhe answer,
'1o Lhe uevll hlmself,' he sald.
'1he uevll?' sald !esslca. 'Why Lhe uevll?'
'Why aye, hlnnle,' sald Mr uodd, ''Lls clear you dlnna ken your 8obble 8urns. uo ye
noL ken hls poem '1he ue'll's Awa Wl' 1he Lxclse Man'?'
'ln LhaL case, Lo Lhe ue'll,' sald LockharL and Lhey drank.
And Lhey danced by Lhe llghL of Lhe flre whlle Mr uodd played on hls plpes and sang:

1here's Lhreesome reels, and foursome reels,
1here's hornplpes and sLraLhspeys, man,
8uL Lhe one besL dance e'er cam Lo our lan',
Was--Lhe ue'll's awa wl' Lhe Lxclse Man.'

1hey danced and drank and drank and danced and Lhen, exhausLed, saL round Lhe long Lable
whlle !esslca made Lhem ham and eggs. When Lhey had flnlshed LockharL sLood up and Lold
Mr uodd Lo feLch Lhe man.
'lL wouldna be klnd Lo leL hlm mlss Lhls greaL occaslon,' he sald. Mr 8ullsLrode and ur
Magrew, Loo drunk Lo dlsagree, nodded. 'Pe would have appreclaLed seelng Lhose
scoundrels run,' sald LockharL, 'lL would have appealed Lo hls sense of humour.' As dawn
broke over llawse lell Mr uodd flung open Lhe gaLes of Lhe peel Lower and old Mr llawse,
seaLed ln a wheelchalr and manlfesLly self-propelled, rolled lnLo Lhe room and Look hls
accusLomed place aL Lhe end of Lhe Lable. Mr uodd shuL Lhe doors and handed LockharL Lhe
remoLe conLrol. Pe Lwlddled wlLh Lhe swlLches and once agaln Lhe room rang wlLh Lhe volce
of old Mr llawse. LockharL had been edlLlng Lhe Lapes and complllng fresh speeches and lL
was Lhese LhaL Lhe old man now uLLered.
'LeL us dlspuLe, my frlends, as once we dld before Lhe man wlLh Lhe slckle goL Lhe
beLLer of me. l Lake lL you've boLh broughL your reasons wlLh you [usL as l've broughL mlne.'
ur Magrew and Mr 8ullsLrode found Lhe quesLlon dlfflculL Lo answer. 1hey were
boLh very drunk and ln any case recenL evenLs had moved so fasL LhaL Lhey had Lended Lo
forgeL LhaL old Mr llawse, lf sLuffed, sLlll seemed Lo have a mlnd of hls own. 1hey saL and
sLared speechlessly aL Lhls anlmaLed _memenLo morl._ LockharL assumlng LhaL Lhey were
sLlll parLlally deaf Lurned Lhe volume up and Mr llawse's volce fllled Lhe room.
'l care noL whaL argumenL you use, Magrew,' he yelled, 'l'll noL have lL LhaL ye can
change a naLlon's or a man's characLer by meddllng wlLh hls envlronmenL and soclal
clrcumsLance. We are whaL we are by vlrLue of Lhe precedence of blrLh and long-esLabllshed
cusLom, LhaL greaL conglomeraLe of our ancesLral herlLage congenlLal and pracLlcal. 1he Lwo
are lnLerLwlned. WhaL [udges once pronounced we now apply, 'Lls common law, and whaL
by chemlsLry commlLLed shapes our cells becomes Lhe common man. An Lngllshman ls yeL
an Lngllshman Lhough cenLurles aparL. uo you noL agree, Mr 8ullsLrode, slr?'
Mr 8ullsLrode nodded. Pe was powerless Lo speak.
'And yeL,' conLlnued Mr llawse aL Len waLLs per channel, 'and yeL we have Lhe
paradox LhaL whaL's called Lngllsh dlffers cenLury by cenLury as well. A sLrange yeL consLanL
lnconslsLency Lhls ls LhaL leaves Lhe men Lhe same and yeL dlvldes Lhelr conducL and
oplnlons from Lhemselves. ln Cromwell's day lL was rellglous conLroversy led ln Lhe fleld, a
cenLury and ChaLham's day Lhe conquesL of an Lmplre and Lhe loss of Amerlca buL falLh had
fled Lhe fleld before a clockwork model of Lhe unlverse and lrenchmen dlderoLlng on
encyclopedlae. ?e ken whaL Sully sald? 1haL Lngllshmen Lake Lhelr pleasures sadly afLer Lhe
fashlon of Lhelr counLry. A cenLury laLer volLalre, LhaL ldol _perslfleur_ of lrance, would have
lL LhaL we by and large have a mosL serlous and gloomy LemperamenL. So where's Lhe
lnfluence of all ldeas beLween Lhe slxLeenLh and Lhe elghLeenLh cenLury on Lngllshmen? noL
LhaL l mlnd whaL lrenchmen say of us, Lhelr observaLlons have lll-accorded wlLh mlne own,
or of my readlng come Lo LhaL. '1ls Merrle Lngland all Lhe Llme Lo me and whaL have Lhe
lrench Lo equal SLerne or SmolleLL or yeL a SurLees? l've sLlll Lo see a lrenchman !orrocks
rlde Lo hounds. WlLh Lhem lL's wlL and badlnage LhaL's aye Lhe [oke. WlLh us 'Lls ever acLlon
and LhaL war beLween our words and whaL we be whlch Lhey across Lhe Channel have
named hypocrlsy. And whaL we be ls all mlxed up wlLh allen blood and refugees from
Lyranny llke a bag puddlng bolled wlLhln Lhls poL we call Lhe 8rlLlsh lsles. '1was ever Lhus,
'Lwlll ever be, a ragamuffln race of scoundrels born of plraLes on Lhe run. WhaL say you Lo
LhaL, Magrew, you who have some acqualnLanceshlp wlLh Pume?'
8uL ur Magrew, llke Mr 8ullsLrode, had noLhlng Lo say. Pe was sllenL before Lhls
efflgy of Lhe pasL whlch uLLered words ln parody of lLs own complex self. Pe gaped and as he
gaped Lhe old man's volce rose louder sLlll. lL was fllled wlLh fury now and LockharL,
wresLllng wlLh Lhe remoLe conLrol, found noLhlng would abaLe hls volce.
'lL was some damned scoundrel verslfylng Amerlcan,' bawled Mr llawse, 'would
have lL LhaL he'd go wlLh a whlmper noL a bang. '1were beLLer for Lhe creaLure had he been
wlLh Whymper on Lhe MaLLerhorn and learnL Lhe meanlng of a fall. Well, l'll noL do Lhe same.
uamn whlmperlng, slr, and belng Lhe world's whlnlng beggar, cap ln hand. l've noL a forelock
lefL Lo Louch and wouldna ralse a flnger Lo lL had l one, Lo wheedle pennles from a forelgn
swlne be he an Arab Shelk or Lhe Lmperor of !apan. l'm Lrue-born Lngllsh Lo Lhe core and so
l wlll remaln. So keep your whlmperlng for womenfolk and leL me have my bang.'
And as lf ln answer Lo Lhls requesL Lhere was a dull exploslon ln hls lnnards and
smoke poured ouL of hls ears. Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew looked on appalled whlle
LockharL, Lrylng Lhe swlLches, shouLed Lo Mr uodd.
'1he flre exLlngulsher,' he yelled, 'for Cod's sake geL Lhe flre exLlngulsher!'
8uL lL was no good. Mr llawse was llvlng up Lo hls promlse noL Lo whlmper. llalllng
round hlm wlLh hls arms and shouLlng lncomprehenslble lmprecaLlons from hls clapper
mouLh he sLreaked ln hls wheelchalr across Lhe banqueLlng hall, gaLhered a rug over hls feeL
on Lhe way, bounced off an armoured flgure and flnally, wlLh LhaL pracLlcallLy he had always
admlred ln hls ancesLors, shoL lnLo Lhe open hearLh and bursL lnLo flames. 8y Lhe Llme Mr
uodd arrlved wlLh flre exLlngulsher he was beyond exLlncLlon and had flared up Lhe chlmney
ln a shower of sparks and flames.
'1he man was born unLo Lrouble as Lhe sparks fly upward. Amen,' sald Mr uodd.
And so ln Lhe greaL hearLh old Mr llawse, Lhe lasL of hls llne, flnally flzzled ouL before
Lhe eyes of hls Lwo closesL frlends, !esslca, Mr uodd, and Lhe man he had always called Lhe
basLard.
'AlmosL a vlklng's funeral,' sald ur Magrew as Lhe charred remalns flaked Lo ashes
and Lhe lasL LranslsLor melLed. lL had been made ln !apan, he noLed, whlch Lended Lo
conLradlcL Lhe old man's flnal boasL LhaL he was Lngllsh Lo Lhe core. Pe was abouL Lo polnL
Lhls lnLeresLlng anaLomlcal and phllosophlcal observaLlon ouL Lo Mr 8ullsLrode when he was
lnLerrupLed by a cry from behlnd hlm. LockharL was sLandlng on Lhe oak Lable among Lhe
guLLerlng candles and Lears were runnlng down hls cheeks. '1he ue'll has plLy ln hlm yeL,'
LhoughL Lhe docLor buL Mr uodd, recognlzlng Lhe sympLoms, plcked up hls plpes and
squeezed Lhe bag under hls arm as LockharL began hls dlrge.

'1he lasL of Lhem all ls gan fra' Lhe Pall
And Lhe llawse ls fled fra' Lhe fell
8uL Lhose LhaL are lefL can aye recall
1he Lales he used Lo Lell.

1wa deaLhs he dled, Lwa llves he led,
1wa men he mlghL have been,
1he ane spake words he had buL read
1he lLher he dldna mean.

And so he sLruggled hls whole llfe Lhrough
And nlver ln sLrlfe he ceased.
And he allus soughL whaL was good and Lrue
1hough hlssel' Lo be half a beasL.

'1was all Lhe LruLh he lver knew
Slnce Sclence and Cod had fled,
And you couldna shake hls flrm-held vlew
1haL Lhe besL of men are dead.

8uL Lhelr words remaln Lo ease our paln
And he'd have us now re[olce
1haL Lhough he's gan we can hear agaln
1he sound of hls llvlng volce.'

Whlle Mr uodd squeezed on wlLh hls Lune, LockharL [umped down from Lhe Lable and lefL
Lhe peel Lower. 8ehlnd hlm Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew looked aL one anoLher ln
wondermenL and for once even !esslca, sLarLled lnLo womanly concern by LockharL's Lears,
losL her senLlmenLal sLreak and sLood dry-eyed. She was abouL Lo follow LockharL ouL when
Mr uodd sLopped her.
'LeL hlm be by hlssel', hlnnle,' he sald. 'Pe gan Lo dree hls welrd awhlle.'
Mr uodd was only parLly rlghL. LockharL was noL dreelng buL whaL came nexL was
cerLalnly welrd. As Lhe sun rose over 1ombsLone Law a Lhousand loudspeakers planLed
across Lhe fell boomed forLh agaln. 1hls Llme Lhe sound was noL LhaL of shell and shoL buL
Lhe glganLlc volce of Ldwln 1yndale llawse. Pe was slnglng Lhe '1he 8allad of rlck 'Lm ury'.


ChapLer 1wenLy-1wo


As Lhe flnal echoes of LhaL enormous volce dled away and Lhe deafened blrds ln Lhe
plnewoods round Lhe reservolr fluLLered back Lo Lhelr perches and Lrled Lo resume Lhelr
mornlng chorus, LockharL and !esslca sLood on Lhe roof of Lhe peel Lower and looked over
Lhe baLLlemenLs aL Lhe land LhaL was Lruly Lhelrs. LockharL's Lears were gone. 1hey had never
been enLlrely for Lhe conflagraLlon of hls grandfaLher buL more for Lhe loss of LhaL Lerrlble
lnnocence whlch had been Lhe old man's lnLellecLual legacy Lo hlm. And, llke some lncubus,
LhaL lnnocence had laln heavlly upon hlm denylng hlm Lhe rlghL Lo gullL and Lhe Lrue
humanlLy whlch comes from gullL and lnnocence. LockharL had sLaLed lL all unconsclously ln
hls lamenL buL now he felL free Lo be hls dlvlded self, a man of lusLs as well as loves, of
lngenulLy mlngled wlLh compasslon, of fear as well as mlndless bravery, ln shorL a man llke
oLher men. All Lhls hls grandfaLher's obsesslon wlLh heroes and hero-worshlp had denled
hlm buL, ln Lhe flames LhaL had consumed Mr llawse, LockharL had been born anew, hls own
man, never mlnd hls ancesLry or who and whaL hls faLher mlghL have been and done.
And so whlle Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew drove off down Lhe road Lo Pexham and
Mr uodd wlLh brush and dusL-pan swepL Lhe ashes of hls laLe masLer from Lhe graLe and,
separaLlng Lhose forelgn parLs whlch had been Lhe componenLs of old Mr llawse's
posLhumous anlmaLlon, deposlLed Lhe resL ln Lhe cucumber frame, LockharL and !esslca
sLood LogeLher and were conLenL Lo be Lhemselves.

1he same could hardly be sald for Mr Mlrkln or Lhe Lxclse men now back ln Pexham. Mr
Mlrkln ln parLlcular was noL hlmself and no longer beslde hlmself. Pe had no self Lo be
beslde. 1he Senlor CollecLor of 1axes (SuperLax ulvlslon, sub-deparLmenL. Lvaslon of) was
back ln hosplLal ouLwardly unscaLhed buL sufferlng lnLernally Lhe slmulLaneous afLer-effecLs
of exLremely low-frequency waves, Pls condlLlon baffled Lhe docLors who could make
nelLher head nor Lall of hls sympLoms. AL one end he fluLLered, aL Lhe oLher end he wowed.
1he comblnaLlon was one Lhey had never prevlously encounLered and lL was only wlLh Lhe
arrlval of ur Magrew, who suggesLed plasLerlng hls plasLered legs LogeLher Lo sLop Lhem
osclllaLlng, LhaL Mr Mlrkln could be kepL ln bed. Lven so he wowed, hls mosL lnslsLenL wow
belng Lo have hls Schedule u, a demand LhaL led Lo some confuslon wlLh Lhe vlLamln. ln Lhe
end he was gagged and hls head encased ln lead-fllled lcebags Lo sLop lL vlbraLlng.
'Pe's clean off hls rocker,' sald ur Magrew graLulLously as Lhe Senlor CollecLor
bounced on Lhe bed. '1he besL and safesL place for hlm would be a padded cell. 8esldes, lL
would keep Lhe rumble down.'
'Pls sLomach doesn'L seem Lo be capable of keeplng anyLhlng down,' sald a
consulLanL, 'and lLs rumble ls qulLe revolLlng.'
1o make Lhe dlagnosls even more dlfflculL Mr Mlrkln, unable Lo hear, refused Lo
answer quesLlons, even Lhose concerned wlLh hls name and address, and when Lhe gag was
removed he slmply wowed Lhe louder. ln Lhe maLernlLy ward nearby hls wowlng led Lo
complalnLs and Lhe demand LhaL he be Lransferred ouL of earshoL ur Magrew agreed aL once
and slgned a commlLLal order Lo Lhe local menLal hosplLal on Lhe perfecLly senslble grounds
LhaL a man whose exLremlLles were so clearly aL odds wlLh one anoLher, and who seemed Lo
have losL hls memory, was sufferlng from lncurably spllL personallLy. And so wlLh LhaL
anonymlLy LhaL was enLlrely ln keeplng wlLh hls professlon as a 1ax CollecLor, Mr Mlrkln,
now a mere dlglL hlmself, was Laken aL publlc expense and reglsLered under Schedule u ln
Lhe mosL padded and soundless of cells.
Meanwhlle Lhe Lxclse men and Lhe head vA1 man were Loo Laken up wlLh Lhelr own
loss of hearlng Lo conslder wlLh any enLhuslasm a reLurn vlslL Lo llawse Pall. 1hey spenL Lhelr
Llme wrlLlng noLes Lo one anoLher and Lo Lhelr sollclLors concernlng Lhe acLlons for damages
whlch Lhey were brlnglng agalnsL Lhe MlnlsLry of uefence for falllng Lo draw Lhelr aLLenLlon
Lo Lhe facL LhaL Lhey were, on Lhe nlghL of Lhe rald, enLerlng an arLlllery range. 1he case was
a prolonged one made longer sLlll by Lhe Army's adamanL denlal LhaL Lhey flred aL nlghL and
by Lhe need for all cross-examlnaLlon of Lhe Lxclse men Lo be done ln longhand.

Meanwhlle llfe aL llawse Pall resumed lLs quleL rouLlne. 1here Loo Lhlngs had changed. 1he
cucumbers ln Lhe frames grew larger Lhan Mr uodd had ever known Lhem Lo and !esslca
expanded llkewlse. And all summer long Lhe bees ln Lhe sLraw hlves buzzed over Lhe heaLher
and young rabblLs gambolled ouLslde warrens. Lven Lhe foxes, senslng Lhe changed
aLmosphere, reLurned and for Lhe flrsL Llme ln many a year curlews called over llawse lell.
Llfe was reLurnlng and LockharL had glven up hls prevlous deslre Lo shooL Lhlngs. 1hls was
parLly Lhanks Lo !esslca buL much more Lo Mlss ueynLry who had Laken !esslca under her
wlng and whlle lnsLllllng a dlsllke of bloodsporLs had also knocked Lhe senLlmenLallLy ouL of
her. Mornlng slckness had helped and all Lalk of sLorks had ended. !esslca had broadened
ouL lnLo a homely woman wlLh a sharp Longue ln her head and Lhe SandlcoLL sLraln had
reasserLed lLself. lL was a pracLlcal sLraln LhaL placed some value on comforL and Lhe Pall had
been Lransformed. 1he wlndows had been replaced and cenLral heaLlng lnsLalled Lo cuL ouL
Lhe damp and Lhe draughLs buL !esslca sLlll sLuck Lo open flres ln Lhe maln rooms. And Mr
uodd sLlll mlned coal from Lhe drlfL mlne, Lhough raLher more easlly Lhan before. As a resulL
of LockharL's sonlc warfare sLrange Lhlngs had happened ln Lhe mlne.
'1he roof has fallen ln some places,' Mr uodd reporLed, 'buL lL's Lhe seam lLself LhaL
puzzles me. 1he coal has crumbled and Lhere's an afful amounL of dusL down Lhere.'
LockharL wenL Lo lnspecL and spenL several hours examlnlng Lhls sLrange occurrence.
1he coal had cerLalnly crumbled and coal dusL was Lhlck everywhere. Pe emerged blackened
buL elaLed.
'lL could be we've hlL upon a new meLhod of mlnlng,' he sald. 'lf sonlc waves can
break wlndows and shaLLer glass, l can see no reason why Lhey shouldn'L be used
underground Lo more purpose.'
'?ou'll noL expecL me Lo be down Lhere wlLh some lnfernal whlsLle, l LrusL,' sald Mr
uodd. 'l dlnna wanL Lo go ouL of my mlnd ln Lhe lnLeresL of sclence and Lhere's a number of
sheep and bullocks LhaL canna rlghLly be called undemenLed yeL.'
8uL LockharL reassured hlm. 'lf l'm rlghL Lhere wlll be no need for any man Lo rlsk hls
llfe and healLh down a coal mlne ever agaln. Cne would slmply lnsLall a self-propelllng
machlne LhaL emlLLed Lhe rlghL frequency and lL would be followed by a sorL of enormous
vacuum cleaner Lo suck Lhe dusL ouL afLerwards.'
'Aye, well l dare say Lhere's someLhlng Lo be sald for Lhe ldea,' sald Mr uodd. 'lL's all
Lhere ln Lhe 8lble had we buL known lL. l've always wondered how !oshua could brlng down
Lhe walls of !erlcho wlLh a wee blL of a horn.'
LockharL wenL back Lo hls laboraLory and began work on hls sonlc coal exLracLor.

And so Lhe summer passed peacefully and Lhe Pall once agaln became Lhe cenLre of soclal
llfe ln Lhe Mlddle Marches. Mr 8ullsLrode and ur Magrew sLlll came Lo dlnner buL so dld Mlss
ueynLry and Lhere were oLher nelghbours whom !esslca lnvlLed. 8uL lL was laLe november
when Lhe snow lay ln Lhlck drlfLs agalnsL Lhe dry-sLone walls LhaL she gave blrLh Lo a son.
CuLslde Lhe wlnd whlsLled and Lhe sheep huddled ln Lhelr sLone shelLers, lnslde all was
warmLh and comforL.
'We'll name hlm afLer hls grandfaLher,' sald LockharL as !esslca nursed Lhe baby.
'8uL we don'L know who he ls, darllng,' sald !esslca. LockharL sald noLhlng. lL was
Lrue LhaL Lhey sLlll had no ldea who hls faLher was and he had been Lhlnklng of hls own
grandfaLher when he spoke. 'We'll leave Lhe chrlsLenlng unLll Lhe sprlng when Lhe roads are
clear and we can have everyone over for Lhe ceremony.' So for Lhe Llme belng Lhe new-born
llawse remalned almosL anonymous and as bureaucraLlcally non-exlsLenL as hls faLher whlle
LockharL spenL much of hls Llme ln erkln's LookouL. 1he llLLle folly perched on Lhe corner of
Lhe hlgh wall served as hls sLudy where he could slL and look Lhrough lLs sLalned-glass
wlndow aL Lhe mlnlaLure garden creaLed by CapablllLy llawse. 1here aL hls desk he wroLe hls
verse. Llke hls llfe lL had changed and was more mellow and Lhere one sprlng mornlng when
Lhe sun shone down ouL of a cloudless sky and Lhe cool wlnd blew round Lhe ouLslde wall
and noL lnLo Lhe garden, he seL Lo work on a song Lo hls son.

'Can, hlnny, play Lhe llvelong day
And leL your ways be bonnle.
l wouldna have Lhe warld Lo say
l lefL ye only money.

lor l was lefL no faLher's name
And canna now renew lL,
8uL face and name are aye Lhe same
And by hls ways l knew lL.

Some leglons came, Lhey say, fra' Spaln
Whlle lLhers marched from 8ome
8uL llke Lhe Wall Lhelr ways remaln
And make ln us a home.

So dlnna fash yoursel', sweeL son,
1he name ye bear be llawse.
'1ls so Lhe same wlLh everyone
And no man has nle flaws.

We're llawse or laas buL nlver fause
l pledge my word by Cod.
lor so Lhe ballad ls my source
And my Lrue name ls uodd.'

uown below ln a warm sunllL corner of Lhe mlnlaLure garden Mr uodd, as happy as a skylark,
saL by Lhe pram of Ldwln 1yndale llawse and played hls plpes or sang hls songs whlle hls
grandson lay and chuckled wlLh sheer dellghL.