English Jokes

Hows this for fun?
Lord Carrington was having a bad dream. He was dreaming that he was speaking in the House of Lords. He woke up with a start, and realised that he was speaking in the House of Lords. A man walks into a bank to cash a cheque and the cashier says, Ok, but youll have to identify yourself. So the man looks into a mirror and says, Yes, thats me all right.
Man : The trouble with you, Mabel, is that you have no sense of humour. Woman(after thinking about it for a moment): Well, I dont think thats funny. This reminds me of the lecturer who in the middle of a boring lecture asked, Can you all hear me?. Whereupon a participant snapped, I can , but Im willing to change seats with anyone who cant.
If we had a little ham we could have some ham and eggs if we had some eggs.(Carl Sandburg)
Home is where television is. A genius! For thirty-seven years Ive practiced fourteen hours a day and now they call me a genius!(Spanish violinist Pablo Sarasate)
Knock, knock. Whos there? Who . Who, who? Sorry, I dont speak to owls. Waiter, this food isnt fit for a pig! Hold on, Ill go and get some that is.
They say you shouldnt say anything about the dead unless its good. Hes dead? Good.
Call me a taxi, my man! Certainly, sir. Youre a taxi!
Beggar: Would you give me 50p for a sandwich? Passerby: I dont know. Lets see the sandwich! I made a million pounds profit last year. Honestly? Well, lets not go into that!
Have you heard the latest Hungarian joke? Careful-I come from Hungary! Thats all right. Ill tell it slowly! I wouldnt say she was pretty and I wouldnt say she was ugly-just pretty ugly.
Wife: Derek Jones next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish youd do that. Husband: But I hardly know the woman! A blind man, entering a pub, picks up his dog by its tail and begins to swivel it around. The barman asks,What the hell are you doing here?. The blind man answers, Just looking around!
The teacher was getting to know the kids. What does your father do, Johny? Hes a train driver, Miss.
And what does your father do, Sammy? Hes dead, Miss. Oh. And what did he do before he died? He clutched his throat, let out a groan and fell to the floor.
Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow? I didnt want to wake up the kids! An old couple whod been married more than sixty years got divorced in their nineties. When asked why did they left it so late, the wife replied, We wanted to wait until the children were dead.
Every time I get drunk I see rabbits with red spots. Have you seen your doctor? No, just rabbits with red spots.
A football star drifted ashore on a desert island. When he woke up, he found himself in the hut of a beautiful native girl. First she gave him some delicious food, then a glass of whisky. Afterwards, she said, Would you like to play with me?. The football player was frankly astonished: Dont tell me youve got a football too?
First woman: I never made love to my husband before we got married. How about you? Second woman: I dont know. Whats his name?
Legend has it that a well-known American professor once delivered a lecture in Japan. His speech was translated by the interpreter something like this: Professor is beginning speech with thing called joke. I am not certain why, but all proffessor believe it necessary to start speech with joke. [Pause] He is telling joke now, but frankly you would not understand it, so I wont translate it. He thinks I am telling you joke
now.[Pause] Polite thing to do when he finished is to laugh. [Pause] He is getting close. [Pause] Now! The audience not only laughed, but they stood up and applauded as well. After the speech, not realizing why it had gone over so well, the professor thanked the interpreter with this words: Ive been giving lectures in this country for several years, and you are the first translator who knows how to tell a joke.
Scots in Sweden upset by cheap jokes
Scots working in Sweden have complained to the European Commission for human Rights that stereotype jokes about mean, tight-fisted Scotsmen used in advertising are an insult to the image of their race. A case was put to the Strasburg Court by the Scots working there, to protest against Swedish Railways using such a traditional joke in a advertising campaign. It showed two Scotsmen accepting the special offer of travel for two persons for the price of one first-class ticket, while a third Scotsman (recognizable by his skilt!) hides in the luggage-rack.

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Hows this for fun?

Call me a taxi, my man! Certainly, sir. Youre a taxi!

Scots in Sweden upset by cheap jokes

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