Carrus 1 Justin Carrus Mr.

Williams AP English Language and Composition 22 November, 2011 Unspoken Rules and Belonging It is obvious when someone does not belong. Imagine a teenager entering the office of a top-tier law firm in downtown New York City. He is greeted by a senior partner of the firm. When the experienced lawyer reaches out his hand, the teenager spits in his own hand and returns the gesture by vigorously pumping the startled lawyers hand up and down. Did the teenager do something wrong? Obviously yes, but what exactly was his mistake? This unruly teenager simply broke an unspoken, or tacit, rule of the workplace. Because of his actions, you can clearly see that he does not belong. Does this mean that by the same token, understanding these codes results in belonging? I argue that this is not the case. While I agree that there is an undeniable relationship between unspoken rules and belonging, to say that the belonging results from simply understanding the tacit codes is an oversimplification. It is true that one belongs when he or she understands these rules, however, the belonging stems from the time spent understanding the groups values and beliefs, its history, and ones role within the group. Some believe that understanding the unspoken rules of a group leads to belonging. They think that these rules define the group, and so, when they are understood, immediate belonging results. I will admit that people who belong to a group clearly understand the rules of that group, spoken or unspoken, and that as people learn more of the rules, they are more readily adopted

Carrus 2 into the group. I confess that this is almost always the case; however this way of thinking is far from the truth. Before continuing, some things need to be clarified. I do believe that one does belong when he or she understands these unspoken rules; however the understanding of the rules does not cause the belonging. Within any group, there exist rules. Do not incriminate a friend. Support your country in times of war. Don't talk about fight club. Every group has a set of rules regardless of what that group may be, and these unspoken rules can be used to determine if an individual in a group belongs. Almost without exception, an individual who understands the rules belongs. From this, some people conclude that understanding these unspoken rules results in a sense of belonging. Belonging, however, does not occur because of understanding the rules. Instead, this understanding of the rules comes from belonging. When one spends time in a group, he or she begins to understand the groups values and beliefs, its history, and his or her role. Values and beliefs are very important parts of any group, and to belong, one must be respectful and appreciative of them. Systems of belief are often the most private, but important, facets of a person or group. Belonging results from either sharing these beliefs or understanding them. This is very evident in religious groups. Religious groups exemplify this point because they are almost solely built upon belief systems. Take, for example, a Christian church service. Imagine that while the pastor/minister/priest is presenting his or her sermon, a man in the front stands up and shouts, You are wrong! He waves his Bible in the air and starts spouting off his own opinions on the topic. This man clearly does not belong as far as the other churchgoers are concerned. Some argue that he does not belong because he broke an unspoken rule. However, this man simply does not have an understanding of the values and beliefs held by the other members of the group. He does not understand that all members of that group hold Jesus Christ

Carrus 3 as their Lord. This situation results from the misunderstanding of beliefs and values, not unspoken rules. Another example of this misunderstanding can be seen in alternative eating styles. Vegans are some of the most devout vegetarians. They consume no animal products. If you were to offer a vegan steak, he or she would be insulted and know that you do not belong to his or her group. You have indeed broken an unspoken rule; however, this happened only because you did not understand that person's beliefs and values. Your mistake arose from a failure to understand, not from your lack of knowledge of the rules. Secondly, you cannot belong in most groups if you only understand their beliefs and values. In addition, you must understand their history. A groups history is very important because past events create the present. By understanding a groups history, you are further immersed into the sense of belonging. Take for example the Hippie subculture. This group strongly pushed counterculture values and experimented with new philosophical ideas. To belong, you cannot simply study some rules; you must understand their history. Without the knowledge of why the group formed, what they stand for, and what they did to support their cause, you cannot expect to belong. This phenomenon is also displayed within a group of war veterans. This is a group formed because of their history. To genuinely belong in this group, you must have a deep understanding of their history from either your own experiences or from spending a considerable amount of time with them. Belonging in this group does not result from the understanding of unspoken rules. Instead it comes from the traumatic experiences that resulted from their valiant efforts to fight for their country. Finally, to belong you need to understand your role within the group. Everyone in a group has a role. Some are leaders, some are followers, some are workers, and some are just plain lazy; regardless of the group, roles exist. Let us examine for a moment the modern

Carrus 4 workplace. Everyone has a job description, but this description, like unspoken rules, is superficial. To fully belong in this group you must understand the hidden roles. In the workplace, some people are better at a task than others. For this reason, the roles are more than skin deep. To belong, you must understand where you exist within a group. In the workplace, you must understand that even though you have the same job as another person, he or she may be your superior. Unspoken rules cannot define these complex relationships, and they cannot be the reason you belong. Another illustration of understanding your role comes from the realm of sports. On a sports team, everyone must perfectly understand their roles and responsibilities. The best teams have played together for years. Throughout this time, they have learned to understand their role on the team - to belong on a basketball team, the center cannot just decide one day that he wants to go for the 3 point record. By the same token, a goalie in soccer cannot spontaneously abandon his position and try to drive the ball across the field and score. Rules exist for all sports, but knowing the rules is not enough. A deep understanding of your role on the team, or within a group, is necessary to truly belong. Learning rules is easy. If anyone can memorize a list of rules, then why is there conflict? Why dont people belong? Why should we continue to build walls between groups? Why should we continue to wage war against other people? Conflict arises despite the existence of these rules. The difficult part is not to know the rules; the knowledge of the unspoken rules comes from the belonging. The difficult part is understanding a groups values, understanding a groups beliefs, understanding a groups history, and understanding your role within a group. The solution to this gap in understanding is not conflict, separation or war. The solution is simply taking time to understand each other.