What Missionaries Ought To Know Ebook

What Missionaries Ought to Know
What Missionaries
Ought to Know
2011
(Revised, May, 2011)
A Handbook for Life and Service
Ronald L. Koteskey
122 Lowry Lane
Wilmore, KY 40390
USA
[email protected]
Ronald L. Koteskey
www.missionarycare.com
Permission is granted to copy and distribute this book without charge

in its entirety.
Member Care Consultant

New Hope International Ministries
Send it to anyone you believe may benefit from reading it.

Please do NOT post this book anywhere else on the Internet.
Contents
Preface ......................................................................................... 5
Introduction ................................................................................ 7
Part 1. Beginning with Basics .................................................... 9
1. about Maintaining Health ............................................ 10
2. about Laughter............................................................. 16
3. about Stress ................................................................. 22
4. about Time-Oriented Cultures...................................... 28
5. about Expectations....................................................... 34
6. about Saying Goodbye ................................................. 40
7. about Coping with Change ........................................... 45
8. about Reentry .............................................................. 51
Part 2. Everyday Challenges.................................................... 57
9. about Event-Oriented Cultures ..................................... 58
10. about Culture Stress ..................................................... 64
11. about Managing Money ............................................... 69
12. about Grief .................................................................. 75
13. about Guilt................................................................... 81
14. about Anger ................................................................. 87
15. about Sleep .................................................................. 92
16. about Loneliness .......................................................... 98
Part 3. Challenges That May Become Problems ................... 104
17. about Suffering .......................................................... 105
18. about Burnout ............................................................ 111
19. about Anxiety ............................................................ 117
20. about Coping with Anxiety ........................................ 123
21. about Depression ....................................................... 129
22. about Coping with Depression ................................... 135
23. about Suicide ............................................................. 141
24. about Trauma, PTSD, & CISD .................................. 147
25. about Healing of Memories........................................ 152
26. about Passive-Aggressive Behavior ........................... 157
Part 4. Family and Sexuality ................................................. 163

27. about Childrens Adjustment ..................................... 164
28. about Adolescence ..................................................... 170
29. about Ministry Separation .......................................... 176
30. about Sexual Stress .................................................... 182
31. about Internet Immorality .......................................... 188
32. about Sexual Abuse ................................................... 194
33. about Maintaining Sexual Purity ................................ 200
Part 5. Relationships with Others.......................................... 205
34. about Relationships ................................................... 206
35. about Comparison and Envy ...................................... 212
36. about Leadership ....................................................... 218
37. about Each Other: Builders to Busters........................ 224
38. about Conflict ............................................................ 229
39. about Forgiveness ...................................................... 235
40. about Reconciliation .................................................. 241
41. about Thankfulness .................................................... 247
42. about Nepotism ......................................................... 253
43. about Rumors ............................................................ 259
44. about Groupthink ....................................................... 265
Part 6. Caring for Missionaries ............................................. 271
45. about Member Care ................................................... 272
46. about Psychological Testing ...................................... 277
47. about Counseling ....................................................... 282
48. about Debriefing ........................................................ 288
49. about Uncompleted Transitions ................................. 294
Part 7. Ending Well ................................................................ 299
50. about Premature Departure from the Field ................. 300
51. about Aging Parents................................................... 306
52. about Retirement ....................................................... 312
Recommended Readings ......................................................... 318
About the Author .................................................................... 326
Preface
I did not set out to write a book. However, in the late 1990s I
did set out to make material on member care available to anyone
anywhere at any time. At no previous time in history has that been
possible, but with the invention of the Internet in the late twentieth
century it became a reality for missionaries nearly anywhere in the
world to access material posted there. As search engines have
improved more missionaries have found the material.
Some missionaries did not have Internet access, but they did
have email, so I could send the material to them anywhere at a
moments notice at their request. In addition, people working in
member care in mission agencies asked for these as attachments so
they could distribute them to the missionaries for whom they were
providing care.b
Some missionaries did not have email (or they had it but had
to pay by the kilobyte to download), so I printed the material in a
series of brochures. I could send these to people who had postal
service anywhere in the world. People working in member care could
also copy these and send them to missionaries in their agencies.
I did not set out with an outline or a preconceived set of
topics. However, I wrote one item (depression, because it is the
common cold of psychological problems) and asked missionaries
who read it to suggest other topics. Each article on the web page said,
You are invited to suggest other topics you would like to know about
to the following... Each emailed and each printed brochure ended
with, This brochure is one of a series, and you are invited to suggest
other topics you would like to know about to the following Most
of the chapters in this book are a result of missionaries suggestions.
Member care workers in several countries requested
permission to translate the chapters into other languages, and they did
so, distributing them to missionaries individually or publishing them
in periodicals. Friedhilde Stricker translated them into German, and
Verlan fur Kultur and Wissenschaft published Was Missionare
wissen sollten Ein Handbuch fur Leben und Dienst in 2003.
Although I have never personally met Mrs. Stricker, I want to express
my deep gratitude to her for translating the material and having it
published in book form.
Of course, no author can express adequate thanks to everyone
who had a part in developing a book. However, I want to thank all
my colleagues in the Psychology and English Departments at Asbury
College, with special thanks to three of them who made the most
significant contributions. Art Nonneman read every brochure and
made many invaluable comments over a period of more than five
years. Marty Seitz co-authored several of the chapters with me, and
his name appears on those. Yvonne Moulton did the final editing to
correct grammar and punctuation as well as make sure the right
meaning was conveyed. Art, Marty and Yvonne deserve credit for
many good things in the book, but they are certainly not responsible
for any shortcomings.
Finally, there is no way to adequately describe the
contribution my wife, Bonnie, has made. We have talked to
missionaries together, presented material together in seminars and
orientation. We have led reentry retreats together. She has cooked
hundreds of meals for TCKs in our home, and she has proofread
everything I have written. Though not recognizable, her input is
found on every page.
Introduction
What Missionaries Ought to know does not mean that the

author sat down and decided what missionaries ought to know, but
that missionaries themselves asked about these topics. During my 35
years of college teaching I learned that if one person asks a question,
others probably want to know the same thingand if two people ask,
it was certainly a topic that others need to know about. These are
things missionaries need to know because several missionaries have
asked about each of them at one time or another.
Since EMQ is so widely read by missionaries, I emulated the
EMQ style when writing the chapters. They are short; each one can
be read in a few minutes. In fact, each chapter can be printed on two
sides of a sheet of paper from a legal pad. They are written in nontechnical language, meant to be an easy read. They present basic
facts simply and include practical applications to missionary life and
work. In a January 2001 EMQ article titled Virtual Missionary
Care, Scott Moreau and Mike ORear said that the chapters deal
with practical mental health topics.providing practical advice
without charge to the missions public (p. 83).
Much of my professional life has been devoted to the
integration of psychology and Christianity as reflected in the titles of
my two more academic books, Psychology from a Christian
Perspective and General Psychology for Christian Counselors.
Although this book is not highly documented with numerous
Scripture references, I have tried to present the best current

knowledge in mental health within an evangelical Christian
perspective. From time to time I have cited specific passages of
Scripture to support particular points.
As often as possible I have illustrated concepts by using crosscultural examples from the Bible. Joseph was a great example of
forgiveness, and Daniel had an excellent set of priorities. I have used
examples of missionaries in the Bible, ranging from Jonahs problem
with anger to Pauls wonderful examples of transitions such as
reentry. Early missionaries sometimes handled conflict marvelously,
such as Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15 when settling an important
theological issue. Then the same two individuals turned around (in
the same chapter) and parted company, arguing about who was going
to accompany them on their second term of missionary service.
The book is meant to be a handbook with short chapters on
particular topics of interest. The chapters are not intended as in-depth
treatments of the topics but as brief overviews with practical
suggestions as well. The book is not written with a unified theme
gradually developed from chapter to chapter. Each chapter stands
alone. However, the chapters do fall into several categories, so they
are grouped into six parts, each part consisting of chapters on related
topics.
So if you are interested in a particular topic, just go
immediately to that chapter and read about it. You do not need to
read the first 20 chapters to understand the material in chapter 21. I
trust that this material will be helpful. If you do not find a chapter on
a topic you are interested in, I invite you to email me suggesting that
topic. If several do, I will write a chapter on it.
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Part 1.
Beginning with Basics
We begin with the basic things that all missionaries face as

they minister to people in other cultures. Like other people,
missionaries ought to maintain their mental and physical health, and
following the two greatest commandments will result in such health.
Missionaries have always lived under great stress, but they seem to be
feeling even more stress recently. The chapter on stress and the hints
in the chapter on time management in time-oriented cultures will help
missionaries reduce the stress they feel.
Everyone has expectations, and missionaries are no exception
whether anticipating going to the field or returning to their passport
country. The chapter about expectations should help make these
expectations more realistic. Missionaries say more goodbyes than
most people, and such goodbyes are very difficult. The chapter about
goodbyes may not make them any easier, but at least missionaries will
realize that they are normal in the feelings they have about them.
Most people now expect to experience difficulty as they enter another
culture, but many are surprised by the reverse culture shock of
reentry. The chapter about reentry makes it clear that changing
cultures either way is difficult.
about Maintaining Health

(Mental and Physical)
A missionary asked, What do you do when there are so many

things to do, and not enough people to do them, and theres no way to
prioritize because everythings a priority? This seems like a no-win
situation and can lead to quick burnout. Because of such a high level
of ministry responsibilities on the field, theres no time for rest,
renewal, or recreation, much less trying to be proactive and keep the
body in shape, or to have quality time with the family.
In this one paragraph the missionary has touched on the most
important factors relating to maintaining your mental and physical
health. Let us consider what we can do by considering our priorities.
Schedule your priorities.
The missionary was right in talking about priorities. Some
people may tell you to prioritize your schedule, but it is much more
important to schedule your priorities.
When you prioritize your schedule, you constantly feel under
great stress, but you may accomplish little of lasting value. You may
become one who is constantly putting out fires, rather than preventing
the fires in the first place. Prevention is better than cure.
11
What is most important?

Jesus was asked this question in Mathew 22 when an expert in
the law asked him which commandment was the greatest. Jesus told
him to love God with all his heart, soul, and mind. Of course, Jesus
was quoting Deuteronomy 5 where Moses had told the people to love
God with all their soul, heart, and strength. The command to love
God motivationally, emotionally, physically, and cognitively has been
around for centuries, and it is still valid today.
You may say that this command is certainly relevant to your
spiritual condition, but what does it have to do with your mental and
physical health. Consider the following quotes from an article by
Harold Koenig in the Journal of the American Medical Association in
October, 2000.
More than 850 studies have now examined the relationship
between religious involvement and various aspects of mental
health. Between two thirds and three quarters of these have found
that people experience better mental health and adapt more
successfully to stress if they are religious.
An additional 350 studies have examined religious involvement
and health. The majority of these have found that religious people
are physically healthier, lead healthier lifestyles, and require fewer
health services. The magnitude of the possible impact on physical
healthparticularly survivalmay approximate that of abstaining
from cigarette smoking, or adding 7 to 14 years to life.
The best thing you can do to maintain your mental and
physical health is to place your relationship with God on your
schedule first. This should be time for at least the following:
Spending time with him
Talking to him in prayer
Listening to him through meditating on his Word
Seeking forgiveness and reconciliation
Like missionaries Daniel lived and worked in a culture
different from the one in which he was reared. With his packed
schedule of doing an outstanding job as one of the three top
administrators in the nation, one might think that Daniel would not
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have much time for God. However, his custom was to be on his
knees thanking God for what he had done and asking for his help
three times a day (Daniel 6).
What is second most important?
When asked what was most important in Matthew 22, Jesus
went on to say that the second most important was much like it, to
love your neighbor as yourself. Of course, this had also been around
for centuries as Jesus was quoting from Leviticus 19. This is
especially relevant for missionaries as Jesus emphasized in John
13:34-35, that people will know we are his disciples by how we love
each other.
No recent evidence is needed to support this. We have known
for years that your social support system is one of the most important
factors in maintaining your health, both physical and mental. This
includes a variety of people. The specific persons depend on your
situation in life, but probably include some of the following.
Your spouse
Your children and teenagers
Fellow missionaries
Nationals
Aging parents
Etc.
To maintain your mental and physical health, place your
relationship with fellow Christians as the second thing on your
schedule. This should be time for at least the following:
Spending time with them
Talking to them
Listening to them
Seeking forgiveness and reconciliation
When faced with a crisis of life and death proportions, Daniel
had a long-term relationship with three other expatriates to whom he
13
could turn to ask for urgent prayers. Their prayers were answered
(Daniel 2).
What is third most important?
Jesus said we should love our neighbor as we loved ourselves.
Like loving God and loving our neighbor, loving ourselves means at
least the following:
Setting aside some time for yourself
Thinking correctly about yourself (your self-talk, as a person
made in Gods image)
Generally taking care of Gods temple (our bodies)
God dwelt in the Tabernacle, then in the Temple, and now
dwells in us. The apostle Paul pointed out that our bodies were the
temple of the Holy Spirit so we should honor God with our body (1
Corinthians 6:19-20). So the question becomes, how are we doing in
taking care of Gods Temple? That includes at least the following:
Eating right. At creation (Genesis 1) God gave us all the seedbearing plants and fruit trees to eatthat is grains, vegetables and
fruits. That is very much like the recommendations of the US
Department of Agricultures food pyramid. After the Fall when
we began eating meat, God put a number of restrictions on what
kinds of meat and what parts of the animals we could eat. As a
college student in a culture very different from home, Daniel
questioned the food in the cafeteria. He proposed and conducted
an experiment showing that vegetables and water are healthier
than rich food and alcohol, an experiment repeated with the same
results many times over the centuries (Daniel 1).
Getting rest. God instituted a day of rest in each week in the Ten
Commandments (Exodus 20). This was a day in which no one in
the household was to do any work, a day of restoration in each
week. Jesus later pointed out that the Sabbath was made for us,
not us for the Sabbath (Mark 2). New research points out that
sleep (rest) is an essential component of a long and healthy life.
Although two kings had difficulty sleeping (Daniel 2 & 4), there
is no indication that Daniel every had that problem even though
14
his circumstances were far more dangerous than those of either

king.
Exercising regularly. Although not mentioned as much as food
and rest, Paul wrote that physical training is of some value (not as
valuable as godliness, which is valuable for both this life and the
next). When he wrote that, there were not so many labor saving
devices so that people got sufficient exercise in the tasks of daily
living. Today we do not, so it is best for us to schedule exercise in
our day. We have to stretch things somewhat to find an example
of exercise in the book of Daniel. Although we do not
recommend walking in fiery furnaces (Daniel 3), we do
recommend walking, running, playing your favorite sport, etc.
past the point of perspiration for at least a half hour several times
a week.
You may wonder what eating, rest, and exercise have to do with
mental health. In general psychology the three major categories to
help cope with stress:
Social support (Priority 2)
Aerobic exercise (Priority 3)
Time for relaxation (Priority 3)
Six characteristics of happy people are that they tend to have
the following:
A meaningful faith (Priority 1)
Close friendship or a satisfying marriage (Priority 2)
Good sleep and exercise (Priority 3)
Work and leisure that engage their skills (Priority 3)
High self-esteem (created in Gods image)
Optimism
What is new about all this?
Nothing. For thousands of years people have known these
things. The problem is in doing them. When the expert in the law
asked Jesus about important things in Luke 10, Jesus asked him what
the law said, and he replied that one should love God and love your
15
neighbor as yourself. Jesus told him he was rightthat he should just

go do it. Then, to justify himself the expert asked who his neighbor
was. Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan, and then he asked
the expert who was the neighbor. Again the expert answered
correctly , and again Jesus told him to go and do it. Like the expert in
the law, we know what we should do, we often just do not do it and
try to justify our not doing it.
16
2
about Laughter
When Martha first became field director, she had a mixture of

emotions toward Peter. Martha was annoyed when Peter cracked
jokes during field meetings, genuinely liked him because he was so
funny, and envied him because he was so popular among other
missionaries.
As time went on she came to really appreciate Peter for what
he did. Martha realized that she was often so intent on getting the job
done that she needed someone like Peter to temper her intensity at
times. She came to value his jokes and no longer envied his
popularity.
What Martha did not realize was that Peter and people like
him are more than just a help to leaders in maintaining team unity,
they are valuable in many other ways including physical health,
mental health, and social relationships in general.
Physical Health
People often say that laughter is the best medicine, and that is
often literally the case. Laughter brings healing and renewal through
the following physical changes.
It relaxes muscles all over the body, and that relaxation may last
for up to an hour.
It lowers stress hormones which have an effect on the whole body.
17
It releases endorphins which make people feel good and may even
relieve pain.
It boosts the immune system making it less likely that individuals
will become ill.
Although blood pressure may rise briefly during laughter, such
laughter lowers blood pressure overall.
It helps people relax and fall asleep.
It has many of the effects of exercise (although it cannot replace
exercise).
Mental Health
Laughter is good for mind as well as body. Here are some
mental health benefits.
It makes individuals feel good so they can keep an optimistic
outlook.
It reduces anxiety, fear, anger, and sadness.
It helps people relax so they can stay focused to complete tasks.
It allows individuals to see things from a more realistic point of
view.
It creates psychological distance to keep people from feeling
overwhelmed.
Social Relationships
Shared laughter is good medicine for social relationships. It is
a requirement for strong relationships and has the following effects.
It produces positive feelings to strengthen emotional connections.
It produces a bond which protects against stress and
disagreements.
It allows individuals to lower their defensiveness so that they can
disregard criticisms and doubts.
It lowers inhibitions so that people stop holding back and avoiding
others.
18
It lets individuals be more spontaneous and express their true

feelings.
In general mutual laughter heals resentments and hurts helping
to unite people during difficult times and see each others points of
view.
Laughter in the Bible

Not all laughter is good for us. The Bible mentions two kinds.
Basically laughing at someone is bad, and laughing with someone
is good. Laughing at someone in scorn or ridicule is not good
medicine. Here are some examples.
They will laugh at him saying (Psalm 52:6).
I have become a laughingstock to my friends (Job 12:4).
But they laughed at him (Matthew 9:24).
Here are some examples of laughter as good medicine.
He will fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of
joy (Job 8:21).
A feast is made for laughter (Ecclesiastes 10:19).
Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with shouts of
joy (Psalm 126:2).
The same event may produce both kinds of laughter in the
same people at different times. This was the case with Abraham and
Sarah in events surrounding the birth of Isaac. When God told them
they would have a child, both laughed in derision.
Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself
(Genesis17:17).
Sarah laughed to herself as she thought about it (Genesis 18:12).
God was not pleased with their laughter and rebuked themand
then rebuked Sarahs lie about it (Genesis 18:13-15).
After Isaac was born, Sarah laughed, but this time it was
healthy laughter.
Sarah said, God has brought me laughter, and everyone who
hears about this will laugh with me (Genesis 21:6).
19
At Gods command, Abraham gave the name Isaac (Laughter) to

the son Sarah had borne (Genesis 17:19 and Genesis 21:3).
Who says that God has no sense of humor?
Jesus Humor
Asking parents to name their child Laughter after they
laughed in derision when told they would have a baby shows Gods
sense of humor. Likewise, we find Jesus sense of humor as he talked
to the two disciples on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24). Here are the
events from their point of view.
They were walking along the road when a man they did not
recognize joined them (vv15-16).
Jesus asked them what they were talking about, as if he did not
know (v 17).
One of them asked Jesus if he knew what had happened in
Jerusalem (v18).
Jesus asked, What things? as if he did not know (v19).
They told him about the crucifixion, as well as their dashed hopes,
and confusion (vv19-24).
Jesus called them foolish, rebuked them, and asked if Christ had
to suffer (vv 25-26).
Then he explained prophetic Scriptures, still not revealing who he
was (v 27).
When they neared home, he pretended he was going on, still not
telling (v28).
They urged him to stay with them, so he did, still not telling (v29).
As they ate with him, he gave thanks and broke breadand
suddenly they recognized him! (vv30-31).
Then he disappeared! (v31).
Of course, then they remembered cues that should have let
them know who he was. Imagine yourself in Jesus place watching
their puzzlement and laughing inside!
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Getting Started
Anyone can get in on laughter which is free, fun, and easy to
use. Living in another culture provides many things to laugh about.
Here are some tips on getting started.
Count your blessings. It is harder to begin laughing when
thinking about things that make you sad, so literally write down a
list of things you are thankful for, such as medicines that prevent
or cure diseases.
Smile at people. Like laughter, smiling is contagious in most
cultures. People will often return your smile, and that may lead to
laughter.
Laugh at yourself. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Instead of
trying to hide your embarrassing moments, share them with others
so that everyone, colleagues, nationals and even you can get a
good laugh.
Move toward laughter. Sometimes laughter is the result of an
inside joke for a small group, but more often it is public, and
people enjoy telling it again. If you do not understand, ask,
Whats so funny? Not understanding humor often occurs before
you know the culture well.
Keep things in perspective. We cannot control many things that
happen to us, especially the actions of other people toward us.
Rather than getting angry, laugh about those absurdities in life in
both your passport and host cultures.
Read the comics. I enjoy Pickles because it pokes fun at people
my age. The cover on one of the books of those comic strips on
our table says, The older I get, the better I was.
Watch a funny TV show that you like. Americas Funniest
Videos makes me laugh out loud, but my wife empathizes with
people who fall down or run into things. DVDs of your favorite
funny shows are probably available.
Hang out with funny people. Find other missionaries who can
laugh at themselves and at the absurdities of life and can find
humor in a variety of things.
21
Spend some time with children. Young TCKs know how to play
and take life lightly. They can laugh at nearly anything.
Post reminders to lighten up on your office wall or screen saver.
How about a picture of yourself with a mustache drawn on it?
How can you take yourself seriously if you see that all the time?
Do something silly. Help someone wash their car and end up with
spraying each other with water!
Put on a silly skit for others on your team. Of course, in the skit,
poke fun at your own agencynot malicious fun, but humorous
fun!
Share your language goofs!! Thinking they are talking about
being embarrassed, Americans learning Spanish often tell people
they are pregnant (embarazada). Beware of false cognates.
The more you laugh, the better it is for you! Have fun
laughing at yourself.
22
3
about Stress
(with Marty Seitz)
From the time they first followed Jesus, Christian workers

have faced great stress. Soon after they were called and appointed to
ministry, the disciples found their ministry to the crowds so pressing
that they did not even have time to eat (Mark 3:20). Nearly a year
later, the stress was still so great that they still did not have time to
eat, and they could not escape the crowds even when they tried (Mark
6:31-33).
Paul, first missionary to the Gentiles, listed some of his
stressful situations for us.
Worked hard, labored, toiled
Imprisoned repeatedly
Beaten, lashed, stoned
Constantly on the move
Shipwrecked, a night in the sea
In danger from own countrymen
Danger in the city, danger in the country
Danger from false brothers
Went without sleep
Hungry, thirsty
Cold, lacked clothing
Pressure of the concern for the churches
(2 Corinthians 11:23-28)
23
Reading the book of Acts, you will find that early Christian
workers faced a variety of stressors.
Physical disability
False accusations
Opposition by local religious leaders
Lies and criticisms of other believers
Weather delays halting travel
Headwinds slowing travel
Theological differences within the church
Sharp personal disagreements
Riots
Limited financial resources
Evacuations
Snakebite
Legal action against them
What is stress?
Stress is a process involving environmental events (stressors),
our own reactions to the stress, and the resources we use to cope with
the stress. Think of this like the bills you receive in the mail.
Example 1: You have $500 in the bank (resources), and you receive
20 bills totaling $800 due immediately (events), so you panic (high
stress reaction). Example 2: You have $5000 in the bank (resources),
but you receive 20 bills totaling $800 due immediately (events), but
you have little concern (low stress reaction). Note that the stress you
feel depends both on the events and on your resources. So to cope
with the stress, you want either to decrease the stressful events or to
increase your resources or both.
Some stressors (events) are always present in the background,
such as noise, heat, insects, poverty, discrimination, minority status,
and you are not even aware of them. Other stressors are the almost
daily irritating hassles of life, such as traffic jams, waiting in lines,
fender benders, struggling with language in new situations,
loneliness, computers down, difficult co-workers, and bureaucracy.
24
You feel the strain whenever they occur. Still other stressors are
major life changes experienced by nearly everyone at some time,
such as death of a family member, moving to a new church or field of
service, serious illness or accident, and divorce of close friends (or
yourself). You struggle with them when they happen. Finally, some
Christian workers experience life-threatening stressors, such as
assault, tornadoes, deadly diseases, earthquakes, evacuation, or war.
The effects of these traumas can be long lasting.
Even positive things, such as marriage, the birth of a child,
and promotion can be stressful. They require change or adaptation
and draw on a persons resources.
How do people react to stress?
Some people react with physical symptoms, such as
headache, stomachache, diarrhea, and so forth. Others people react
with psychological symptoms such as anxiety, difficulty
concentrating, depression, and so forth. Still others react with
behavioral symptoms such as driving too fast, picking fights,
overeating, going on spending sprees, and so forth. Stress can affect
many areas of our lives.
What can I do about stress?
Remember that to cope with the stress, you want either to
decrease the stressful events or to increase your resources for coping
with the stress or both.
Changing the time you do things may decrease the stressors.
Shopping at a different time may decrease the traffic jams, result
in fewer lines at the market, and make a fender bender less likely.
Stress is cumulative, so try to space out stressful events rather
than clumping them together. For example, if you have to deal
with a difficult co-worker, do not schedule the meeting right after
a shopping trip that is likely to involve long lines and traffic jams.
You may even be able to spread out major life change events. If
you are due for a change of assignment this year and you have
25

just experienced a death of a family member, your church or
agency may allow you to wait another year before that change.
Background stressors may sometimes be decreased with things at
hand. If noise is constantly draining away your energy, listening
to soothing music through a set of headphones may eliminate that
source of stress.
Anticipating and preparing for stressful situations serves to
inoculate you against the stress reactions. If you are going to
change assignments, read about the new assignment and plan how
you will fill it. If you are in a situation that may call for an
evacuation, develop a plan for knowing the time to evacuate,
evacuation routes, and alternative means of evacuation. If
kidnapping is likely, take steps to avoid it, and learn how to act
when kidnapped.
God is our major resource for coping with stress. Do not
neglect reading Gods Word because the Holy Spirit often
illuminates passages of Scripture relative to the stressful situation
you are in. Search the Scripture for what God has already said
about your situation.
Pray for yourself in stressful times. Prayers of intercession for
others are wonderful, but at times you need prayers of petition for
yourself. Christian workers who spend much time in intercession
need not feel guilty for petitioning God for their own needs.
Meditate after you have asked God for direction. Listen for the
answer. Sometimes the Spirit uses a memorized passage of
Scripture, a word from a fellow Christian, or an event that occurs
in your life to direct your coping efforts.
Ask others to pray for you. These may range from unspoken
requests to detailed explanations. Ask people to commit to pray
for you by name during specific days or specific times of great
stress.
Research shows that social support is the single most important
human means of increasing resources to combat stress. The
fellowship of believers in Christ is an invaluable source of
strength for the most difficult stresses you face. The positive
supportive relationships of Christian community are great
26
resources, so do not hesitate to draw on them. Ask for help and

accept it.
Use your problem-solving skills to help reduce your stress. Read
about the stressful area in your life. Talk with others who have
experienced the same types of stress. Brainstorm solutions
yourself, comb books for ideas, and ask others for possible
solutions. Select a potential solution, try it out, and evaluate
whether or not it works; then adjust it if necessary or try a new
solution. Repeat the process as often as necessary.
Take time for a healthy diversion. You may need time to cool
off a while or recharge before trying to cope any more. You may
need a time to rest in addition to your Sabbath each week. Spend
some time on reading, listening to music, enjoying a hobby,
playing a favorite sport, or doing other things that you enjoy.
On the other hand, dont procrastinate. Procrastinating can also
cause increased stress, so set reasonable deadlines for yourself to
complete your personal and professional responsibilities.
Get some exercise. God gave us reactions to stress that prepare us
for flight or fight. Running, swimming, walking rapidly, or
playing active sports are analogous to flight. Throwing or hitting
balls with your hands or with bats or paddles are analogous to
fighting. Both disperse the biochemical buildup that prepares us
to cope with stress. Fresh air and sunshine (but not heat) are also
usually helpful.
Take time for adequate rest and relaxation. Remember that God
made the Sabbath for us as humans, and be sure you take that day
of rest, relaxation, and restoration each week, whether it is on
Sunday or another day of the week.
Sleep is a major coping resource for dealing with stress. Take
time to sleep, and if you are having difficulty sleeping, learn
about ways to get better sleepsee our brochure in this series.
Monitor your self-talk. Be sure you have helpful thoughts so that
you are an encouraging coach to yourself. A mean, cruel,
discouraging coach may say something like, That is really a
dumb idea. Itll never work. Theres no point even trying it. A
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caring, hopeful, encouraging coach would say, I can do all
things through Christ who strengthens me.
Pour our your soul. Express your thoughts and/or feelings in
any of several ways. These include journaling, writing letters to
friends, praying, composing poems or songs, singing songs or
reading Psalms that reflect your thoughts or feelings, creating art,
and sharing with another person. God created us to communicate
with others and to express our thoughts and feelings. This
provides a healthy release and may help us understand ourselves
better as well as help others understand us.
Use relaxation techniques of stretching and/or breathing, and/or
imagining one of your favorite places as described in our anxiety
brochure.
Learn how to appropriately say, No, to reduce lower priority
demands on your time. Gods people can appropriately refuse the
requests of others. At times Jesus himself dismissed the crowd
and went off by himself to pray, and he even often withdrew for
prayer when people came to hear and be healed (Matthew 14:2223, Luke 5:15-16). He chose to say, No, to one kind of request
to meet a higher priority.
Delegate some of the responsibility to someone else, such as Jesus
did when he sent out the disciples (Matthew 10).
Ask for what you need from others. Jesus told his followers to
ask, seek, and knock to get things they needed (Matthew 7).
Asking for help from others may be a blessing to them.
Sacrifices on their part may be spiritually helpful to them.
Read good books on stress management, such as Relaxation and
Stress Reduction Workbook by Martha Davis, Matthew McKay,
and Elizabeth Eschelman. Read good books on managing your
time such as Organize Yourself by Ronni Eisenberg.
You may want to explore the Internet for further suggestions
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4
about Time-Oriented Cultures
(Time Management)
(with Marty Seitz)
Since the time of Jesus, those who work for him have found
themselves very busy and have needed to manage their time. As
revealed in the book of Mark, Jesus himself seemed to be in control of
his time. In the dark of early morning after a busy evening Jesus rose
early, left the house and went off by himself to pray. When his
disciples found him and told him that everyone was looking for him,
he said, Lets go somewhere else (Mark 1:35-38). He said no to
some people to make time for others.
Later the crowds surrounded Jesus and his disciples and kept
them so busy that they were not even able to eat. When Jesus family
heard about the tremendous time pressure on him, they came to take
charge, but they could not reach him either, so they sent someone in
to call him out. That time he stayed where he was teaching even
when they told him that his family was there for him (Mark 3:29-33).
He did not stop teaching just because his family came.
Still later after his disciples had been called, instructed,
commissioned, sent out on an evangelistic crusade, and returned,
there were so many people around that they again did not have time to
eat. Again Jesus asked them to come to a quiet place with him and
get some rest. They went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary
place (Mark 6:7-32). All these examples demonstrate that Jesus took
control of his time.
29
To this day missionaries, pastors, and other Christian workers

find themselves besieged by people with problems. If these Christian
workers are not able to take control of their time, they will soon find
themselves burning out, thus being of little use for the work of the
kingdom of God.
Following is a collection of time management tips grouped
into several categories.
Get Started (procrastination)

People have different reasons for their procrastination, so
different strategies may be needed to counteract these different
causes. For example, a person who procrastinates because of feeling
overwhelmed would need a different strategy from one who does so
because of getting a rush from hurrying around just to get the job
done on time. A person who procrastinates because of perfectionistic
tendencies would need a different strategy from one who does so to
avoid responsibility. The following strategies may help you get
started.
Break a seemingly impossible large task into smaller sections.
Then plan and schedule times to tackle these more manageable
sections.
Start with the most difficult part first if you are the kind of the
person who likes to get the worst out of the way first.
Start with the easiest part first if you are the kind of person who
needs the reward of completing some part to encourage you to go
on to the next step.
Reward yourself each time you complete a part of the task, no
matter how small.
Go on to another part of the task when you get stuck on one part.
Come back to complete the one you were stuck on after you have
had some time to think it over.
Take advantage of unexpected opportunities. When an
appointment is cancelled, do something else that needs to be done.
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Do nothing. Just sit with the project for fifteen minutes and look
at it. That may motivate you to get going or allow a plan to begin
to develop in your mind.
Change nothing. You have survived so far with your
procrastination, and starting at the last minute may just be your
style if you consistently finish on time in the end.
Decide beforehand how well the task needs to be done. For some
people cleaning the cabin means sweeping the floor. For others it
means sweeping and mopping the floor. For still others it means
removing the cobwebs from the crawl space beneath the floor as
well.
Work with a partner, a non-procrastinating one. Give that partner
permission to prod you on without your resenting it. Let their
strength compensate for your weakness.
Get There (out of the house on time)

Some people get started on the task but have difficulty getting
where they are going. The following strategies may help you get out
of the house on time.
Prepare ahead of time. At the latest be ready the night before.
Make a list of the things you need to do, including a realistic time
estimate for each task that needs to be done. Then add up all the
times to make sure you leave enough to complete the task.
Set an alarm for 10-15 minutes before you have to leave to give
you warning to do last minute things.
Have a particular place you keep things (like keys, books, folders)
that you will need to take with you when you leave so that you do
not have to spend time looking for them when you are ready to
walk out of the house.
Keep Going (interruptions)
Once you have started, you may find it difficult to keep going
because of interruptions. The following tips often work in a timeoriented culture.
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Publish and/or post your open-door office hours; then keep them
faithfully. People will learn to respect them if they can reliably
find you there for open-door time.
Use DO NOT DISTURB signs, and even lock your door.
People expect you to be involved in counseling and other
situations where you should not be interrupted.
Group interruptions. If someone is coming to fix your telephone,
try to schedule the copier repair and the plumber at the same time.
Go to a different place where you are unavailable because no one
knows where to find you. Jesus frequently went off by himself or
with his disciples.
Use e-mail to conduct routine business, and turn off the
announcement on your computer that says, You have mail.
Have a professional evaluate you for ADD/ADHD if interruptions
distract you more than they seem to distract others.
Have an agenda for every meeting, and direct interruptions to the
new business section of the meeting.
Although it may seem artificial at first, conduct your meetings
using Roberts Rules of Order so that you can deflect interruptions
without people taking it personally.
Keep Going (telephone calls)

Although the telephone can be a time saver, it can also be an
interrupter as well. These tips can minimize those interruptions.
Have someone else answer the phone for you.
Use the phone to call ahead to make sure others are expecting you
for appointments.
Use answering machines.
Leave messages for others on their answering machines.
Use your answering machine to screen your calls before
answering.
Get an answering machine that allows people to leave long
messages if they want to get a message across to you without
calling back. (This may be problem for youth pastors whose
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middle schoolers delight in playing tapes to them over the

phoneand they have to listen to the whole tape to make sure
there are not other important messages.)
Establish a telephone time, like you have office hours, when
you will be available to talk on the phone.
When you answer the phone say, I only have ____ minutes to
talk.
When the conversation has gone about as far as it needs to, say,
Before I hang up
Set a timer to go off so that the person on the other end can hear it
and say, Ive got to go.
Purchase a phone with portable headphones so that you have both
hands free to do other things while talking on the phone.
Remove your phone from the jack or turn off the ringer if you do
not want to be disturbed.
Use a Timer (or clock)

In a time-oriented society, we must certainly talk about using
our time technology.
Have a clock in every room so that everyone can potentially be
aware of the time.
Set an alarm for the end of the estimated time for completing a
task. It will remind you that you are taking longer than expected.
Set the alarm, and play beat the clock to see if you can get the
task done before the alarm goes off.
Set multiple alarms of a watch timer at 15-minute (or other times)
intervals so that you will be reminded continually of the passage
of time.
Set the alarm to signal that it is time to move on to the next task.
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34
Leave (when you are done)

When you have completed your task, it is all right to leave.
Remember that Jesus himself at times said goodbye and left. He
got away by himself and spent time alone with the Father.
5
about Expectations
Miscellaneous tips
Delegate tasks to others. Jethro urged Moses to delegate some of

his responsibilities to others (Exodus 18). Jesus sent his disciples
out to preach and heal (Mark 6, Luke 9). The Twelve delegated
responsibility to seven more (Acts 6).
Always carry something with you to do. You may get caught in
traffic; someone may be delayed for an appointment with you, and
so forth.
Ask people to pray for you related to your use of time.
Have an accountability partner hold you responsible for your use
of time.
Get help from someone who is naturally gifted at planning and
organizing.
Learn how to multitask; do several things at once.
Save time by organizing things other than time.
Develop an organizational system for paper (mail, books, files,
etc.).
Order your financial records and budget.
Organize your physical space so you do not waste time
looking for things.
Good stewardship of time involves budgeting time, just as you

would money. Everyone has exactly the same amount of time each
day, therefore, you have to decide how much total time you have
available and what percent of it you will spend on each priority.
You have been working on a project for six months, already

twice as long as you thought it would take, and you are discouraged
that it is going nowhere. Perhaps you expected help from your field
director and you feel like all you got was criticism. Perhaps you are
field director, and you are discouraged that the other missionaries did
not really get behind your proposal. Perhaps after being asked to take
a position in your home office, you were surprised to find that you
feel like you are accomplishing little of real importance. All of these
situations have unfulfilled expectations in common. Let us look at
such expectations, their importance, and the possibilities for doing
something about them.
What are expectations?
An expectation is something you believe will occur, any event
you anticipate happening in the future. You may expect either good
or bad events. Hope is expecting good, and dread is expecting bad.
Pauls famous expectation in Philippians 1:20 was that Christ would
be glorified in him.
Expectations are often stated as goals or objectives. We may
set these for ourselves, or others may set them for us. In either case
we evaluate what actually happens on the basis of the expectations.
When our expectations are appropriate, we have feelings of
excitement, satisfaction, accomplishment, and success when we reach
35
the goals. If our expectations are slightly high, they may inspire us to
work harder and achieve more than we would have with lower
expectations. The problem comes when our expectations are too
high.
Why are expectations important?
Since we use our expectations to evaluate what happens, the
same event may bring opposite reactions in different people. One
church planter may be thrilled when 25 people attend because he was
expecting 10. Another may be discouraged with 25 because he was
expecting 250. Unfulfilled unrealistic expectations may result in
many negative emotions.
Failure. You did not live up to your own expectation.
Hurt. Your fellow missionaries did not help you as you
anticipated they would.
Confusion. God called you, but it seems like nothing has
happened to advance his kingdom as a result of your obedience.
Frustration. You had such a vision for what could be done on
your field, but that vision has not become reality.
Anger. You have sacrificed to help the national church, but now
they have rejected your help and leadership.
Bitterness. You left a beautiful home and a fruitful ministry, but
so few have come to Christ here. If you had stayed home, you
probably would have won hundreds to Christ.
Depression. You begin to think that it was not worth it. In fact,
you just feel like giving up, giving up on everything!
All of these feelings, and many more, may be the result of
unrealistic expectations. Others may feel excitement and satisfaction
when exactly the same events occur if their expectations were more
appropriate.
36
What if I dont have any expectations?

Impossible! Everyone has expectations. And even if you do
not have them for yourself, others have them for you. Expectations
come from many different sources.
Past experience. People with successful ministries are chosen to
go, and such people believe they will have good ministries as
missionaries. They would not go if they expected to be failures.
Home church. Your home church is supporting you with prayer
and much money. They expect to see some return on their
investment.
Fellow missionaries. They eagerly anticipated your coming to
make their load more bearable. The one who wrote your job
description seemed so spiritual when he interviewed you, but now
you find he is a workaholic and expects you to be one too.
Administrators at home. They set unattainable goals for you and
your field. Those people seem so different now as your bosses
than they did when you were a candidate.
God. He called you to this ___________ (field, people, language,
country), and he expects you to produce ___________.
Sometimes others do have such expectations; however, at other
times you only believe they have them because you misunderstood
what they wanted. Likewise, you may have misunderstood Gods
call. He will not ask more of you than you can actually do. Many
times, though not always, the same is true of others in authority over
you as well.
Im too old to have unrealistic expectations!
Impossible again! As long as you are alive, your expectations
may be unrealistic. Such expectations are most obvious and most
common among the idealistic first-term missionaries who have such
high hopes and great visions of how God will use them. However,
they may occur at any stage of a missionarys life.
37

First furlough. You thought people back home would be eager to
hear about the revival that is happening on your field. However,
after listening politely for about five minutes, they excitedly begin
telling you about the success of the local basketball team.
Become field director. You had such great plans for the field, but
both the national church and the other missionaries are much more
interested in promoting their own projects. You have not been
able to bring unity to the field.
You move to the home office. You had thought the stress would
be more bearable back in your own culture, but living back
home is even worse.
Retirement. If you are still active, you have some expectations
about what retirement will be likeand you may be eagerly
anticipating it, or dreading it. If you are retired, you may feel like
you have been put on the shelf. Or you may feel like the mission
expects too much volunteer work from you.
How can I set realistic expectations?

Goal-oriented and time-oriented people are most likely to
suffer from the effects of unrealistic expectations. Remember that
God molds servants, not bosses. Rather than directing others,
servants trust the Leader and stay in the background, perhaps washing
feet! The fruit of the Spirit, as well as the gifts of the Spirit are found
in such servants.
In the 1960s the director of Missionary Internship suggested
six attainable objectives for the first term. They were:
1. Learn the language.
2. Adjust to the field.
3. Learn about the mission.
4. Understand the field.
5. Find your gifts and place in the work.
6. Confirm your missionary call.
This may not seem like much to accomplish in several years,
but it is plenty. Here are several suggestions to keep your
expectations reasonable.
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Ask others. You are not the only person involved in missions
ask those who are in the positions you anticipate filling. When
you get answers about what to expect, do not think it will
necessarily be different for you.
Develop a long-term view. Remember that we all stand
somewhere between the first three chapters of Genesis and the last
three chapters of Revelation. God has been working on his plan of
redemption for thousands of years, and you will not accomplish
the redemption of the world alone in one lifetime.
Remember that everything takes much time. Learning a language
and culture are long term projects never really completed.
Relationships are important and take time. The hassles of daily
living in many cultures take time. Paper work is necessary and
takes time. Contact with supporters takes time.
Learn interdependence, not independence. Rather than trying to
do things yourself, realize that you really do depend on other
people, and they depend on you.
If you must set time frames and goals, be sure to set sub-times and
sub-goals as tiny steps to get to the larger ones. Estimate how
long it will take you to reach the goal; then at least double the
time and triple the cost; then feel successful if you achieve that.
What if I still discover I have unrealistic expectations?

That is almost sure to happen. Since we are often not
consciously aware of our expectations until they are not met, we are
likely to have some unrealistic ones. When you realize that you have
them, taking the preventive steps mentioned above may also help
eliminate those that discourage you.
You may find yourself in conflict with others about what is
realistic and what is not. In such cases you will need to use some
conflict management skills.
Of course, God may give you some very high expectations in
your call to missions, and be careful not to dismiss Gods call as a
human miscalculation. Likewise, remember that you are in a spiritual
battle, and Satan may give you unrealistic expectations to discourage
39
your work for Gods kingdom. Spiritual discernment is necessary to

make these kinds of decisions.
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6
about Saying Goodbye
One missionary said, I am tired of making friendships and

then moving all over; to me it is not worth the effort. On furlough I
know I know I am leaving, so why try?
Another said, I dont know how to deal with the changes that
surround the arrival and departure of staff members on the field.
Especially with short-termers coming and going, it seems like we are
always expanding and contracting to include so many different people
on our team. How do we love deeply yet hold lightly?
Still another said, I find it hard to have to say goodbye all the
time. People I become friends with leave our part of the field, and I
have to stay behind. How do I cope with that other than to quit
building relationships?
When you became a missionary you probably thought about
saying goodbye to your family and friends in your passport country
and then leaving. However, you may have never considered how
difficult other goodbyes would be. Is this a new problem? Is it
getting worse? How can you cope with it? Let us consider these
issues.
Is this a new problem?
No, this problem has been around as long as missionaries
have. A look at Paul and his relationships with the people of Ephesus
shows us some of the problems with saying goodbye.
41
Paul was apparently in Ephesus only a short time near the end
of this second term. After speaking in the synagogue, Paul left a
couple in Ephesus to continue the work. People asked him to spend
more time there, but he declined, saying he could come back if it was
Gods will (Acts 18:19-21). He and his co-workers there had to say
goodbye.
Near the beginning of his third term, Paul again went to
Ephesus. After more than two years of evangelism, discipleship,
spiritual warfare, and encouragement Paul again said goodbye and
left. He traveled to Macedonia with a multinational team of seven
others (Acts 19:1-20:1). Again he and the disciples he left there had
to say goodbye.
Near the end of his third term, Paul decided not to stop at
Ephesus even though he was passing close by, because he was in a
hurry. However, he did stop a few miles south of Ephesus and sent
for the elders of the Ephesian church so that he could meet with them
briefly. Then they again had to say goodbye. In this instance we are
told more about the nature of the goodbye: They wept, embraced,
kissed, grieved, and finally tore themselves away (Acts 20:16-21:1).
Saying multiple goodbyes to coworkers is nothing new for
missionaries.
Is it getting worse?
It is probably no more difficult to for each individual, but it
may well be that people have to say goodbye more often than they did
in Pauls day. Changes in the last half of the twentieth century have
made short-term missions to any part of the world a reality. Before
the advent of reasonably priced air travel since 1950, just reaching
many mission fields often took several weeks crossing the ocean by
ship. Today people can be on any mission field in the world in a
matter of hours, a couple days at the most.
One type of short-term mission very popular now is one where
a group spends a week or two on a mission field to teach a Bible
school, help construct a building, or do routine maintenance work.
Though this has helped expose millions of people to missions first-
42
hand, it means many hellos followed by many goodbyes a week or

two later. Thus the long-term missionaries never have a chance to
develop relationships with them. Relationships take time.
Another type of short-term mission increasing in recent years
is one where a person comes to a field for several months or a year or
two to help out generally, or to complete a particular project. These
people have no intention of staying long-term and are most common
among people born since the mid 1960s. In this case there is time to
develop a relationship, but the missionaries on the field may be
reluctant to do so knowing that the short-term person will soon be
gone. Saying goodbye to someone you know only superficially is
easier.
Does this affect everyone?
Yes, it affects everyone, but it affects people differently.
Some people seem to have little need for deep relationships and are
content to keep relationships at more of a surface level, so saying
goodbye has relatively little effect on them. Other people have a
greater desire to share intimately with a larger group of friends, and
saying goodbye affects them, very deeply.
Women tend to be more relationship oriented than are men.
Therefore, they may be more affected by leaving their friends or
having their friends move away. Unfortunately, their husbands are
sometimes not sensitive to this difference between themselves and
their wives.
Of course, such mobility is common in developed countries.
In the United States about one person in six moves every year, so
even the person who does not move says goodbye often. When our
oldest son was in first grade, there were five boys in first grade on our
street. By the time he was in sixth grade, he was the only one left. Of
course, a move within a country may be within the same area, rather
than half way around the world, but it still affects relationships.
43
Do we just quit building deep relationships?

Some people try to cope by simply becoming detached or
hardened. By not getting deeply involved with their fellow
missionaries they decrease the pain of having to say goodbye. This
coping mechanism may reduce the pain of goodbyes; but the person
becoming detached, the person who is rejected, and the gospel
message are all harmed by this.
Jesus commanded us to love each other as he loved us.
Loving and being loved are important to both our mental and physical
health. When deep relationships are avoided, both parties lose a part
of their potential support system. In addition, Jesus pointed out that
this was how others would know that we are his disciples. Thus, by
not developing these relationships, we make it less likely that people
will see Jesus in us (John 13:34-35).
How do we love deeply yet hold lightly?
Since saying goodbye is a normal part of life, especially
missionary life, we can take steps to minimize the pain.
Change your perspective. Rather than concentrating on the
negative aspects of anticipating parting, it is better to concentrate
on the positive aspects of the current relationship. As someone
said, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at
all.
Look for people who click. When you find people with the
same values, same aspirations, same commitment, etc., become
close friends even if it seems there is no future in the friendship.
One couple we met more than a decade ago when visiting a field
are still good friends. We have become one of their supporters,
visited them on the field again, made contact at conferences, had
them in our home while on home assignment. We have spent
hours talking and sharing deeply.
Become intimate sooner. Third culture kids of all types
(missionary, military, etc.) become experts at this. When they
meet each other and realize their common background, they begin
44
to share at a deeper level much sooner than those raised in a single

culture. With practice, anyone can develop this capacity.
Communicate while apart. This has always been possible, but is
much easier with the invention on e-mail in recent years.
However, e-mail is a mixed blessing.
On the positive side, friendships can be continued at virtually no
financial cost even when people are far apart. (In fact,
relationships can be initiated without ever meeting personally, and
that may become a problem.)
On the negative side, some people become so busy keeping old
friendships alive that they fail to make new ones. Some
missionaries communicate via e-mail daily with old friends, but
spend little time with the people living near them currently. Thus,
they fail to continue to make new friends.
Grieve your losses. It is all right (even necessary) to do all the
things Paul and the elders from Ephesus did:
Wept
Embraced
Kissed
Tore away
Pick up where you leave off. After you become good friends, you
can pick up your friendship where it was when you parted. You
still have the same values, aspirations, concerns, etc., so all you
need to do is get an update on what you have been doing, and your
relationship continues from there.
Remember that relationships give hope. At creation God built
parting into the family. When a young man and young woman
grow up, they leave their father and mother and cleave to each
other (Genesis 2). Most people do not refuse to have children
because their children mature and leave, they look forward to
reuniting with their children both here on earth and in heaven. We
also look forward to reuniting with other loved ones in heaven.
45
7
about Coping with Change
46
comes. Most people want enough change to keep life interesting, but
not so much as to make them uneasy.
What can one do to get through those inevitable changes that
happen in life? Of course, change itself is not the problemthe
problem is in how we deal with it when it happens. Here are some
ways to cope.
Anchor to a point of stability.
Jonah faced change in his life when God told him to become
the first cross-cultural missionary by going east and confronting
Nineveh (Jonah 1). Jonah went west. When he finally obeyed, the
people in Nineveh responded to his message and repented. However,
rather than rejoicing, Jonah became disillusioned and angry because
of Gods grace and compassion for a despised people group. Though
succeeding outwardly, he failed inwardly.
At the beginning of his second term of missionary service
(Acts 15) Paul suggested to Barnabas that they go back and visit
people where they had been before to see how everyone was doing.
However, as recorded in the verses immediately following that, Paul
wound up going with Silas (rather than Barnabas), going to
Macedonia (rather than to Asia), and meeting new people (rather than
visit people they had seen before). Paul adapted to the changes and
became a successful missionary, both inwardly and outwardly.
Know that change happens.
Even if your life seems to be predictable and stable right now,
sooner or later you will probably have to cope with such changes as
Paul did in Acts 15-16. Someone has said that the only thing that
does not change is change itself. This has been true of cross-cultural
missionaries from the beginning. Some people thrive on change and
seek it out, but others dread change and struggle through it when it
The Bible is clear that our point of stability is in God himself.

I the Lord do not change (Malachi 3:6).
He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6).
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews
13:8).
I am the alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning
and the End (Revelation 22:13).
To successfully adapt to change, we must keep our
commitment to God up-to-date. Without this secure anchor, we may
become like Jonah rather than like Paul.
Expect emotions.
When you face change and emotions of all kinds come
flooding in, you may say, I dont understand why this has affected
me so much. One moment you are laughing, the next you are
cryingbecause you are normal. Nearly every emotion occurs
during change. Here are some of the most common, illustrated in
Pauls life as he experienced great change at the end of his third term.
Uncertainty about the future may result in fear, worry, anxiety,
apprehension, dread, self-doubt, or panic. Paul said he was going
to Jerusalem, not knowing what would happen to him there (Acts
20:22).
Being forced to change may result in stress, anger, frustration, or
hostility. Paul felt compelled by the Spirit (Acts 20:22).
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Looking at what you are losing may result in sadness, depression,

despondency, or despair. Paul wept as he was about to leave
(Acts 20:36).
Considering new opportunities may result in joy, elation, or
happiness. Paul said he looked forward to finishing the course
and completing his task (Acts 20:24).
Note that Paul acknowledged his emotions, and this allowed
him to cope and continue with his work. These emotions may
overlap, or you may find yourself on a pendulum swinging back and
forth between them. Acknowledge and express them as you hold on
to your anchor. Trying to build a dam to hold them inside may result
in the dam bursting and the emotions spilling out.
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We have proverbs expressing this.

When the wind blows, dont build windbreaks, build windmills.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When the river flows, dont just build a dam, put in a
hydroelectric generator.
Swimming upstream may simply exhaust you while going
with the flow may accomplish your purpose. Stubborn rigidity may
defeat you while flexibility may get you through the torrent. The only
time not to harness the energy of the current is if it is carrying you
away from what God has called you to do. In this case, you may have
to swim across the current and get out of the water.
Find friends.
Take time to grieve.

Your losses are real. It is all right (even necessary) to do all
the things Paul and the elders from Ephesus did as they departed from
friends in Acts 20:37-38.
Wept
Embraced
Kissed
Grieved
Coming to terms with your losses as you adjust to change
takes time. Trying to rush through without getting closure on what
you are leaving will make it hard to enter your new roles. (See the
brochure on grief)
Swim with the current.
When you feel like you are being swept along in a torrent of
change, swim with the current as long as it is not taking you away
from the work God called you to do. If you are called to put Gods
word into the language of the people, you may insist on using a quill
pen and parchment to make copies of it (or even a Gutenberg press or
even moveable type). However, learning to use the computer will
make your work more effective.
Pride makes some people try to cope alone, a most difficult

thing to do. Sharing with other people is a great help. Bravery may
mean having the courage to ask for help when you need it. Here are
some people who can swim with youor throw you a life jacket.
People who have been through the change you are facing. They
may have helpful suggestions to cope or mentor you through those
changes.
Your family (missionary, church, and biological) cares, so
someone in that family will listen to you and help.
Close friends whom you trust deeply will allow you to express
your fears and frustrations, and they may offer ways to cope.
Member care people in your organization can help you function
through its changes.
Pastors or counselors with no connection to your organization can
bring an outside objectivity not found within your agency. When
facing new dangers in Jerusalem, Paul called on the elders of the
Ephesian Church (Acts 20:17).
Focus on the good.
Every change has both good and bad in it. You may be
leaving friends, but you will also make new friends. You may have to
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leave a task you know well, but you will also learn to do something
new. Focus on good new things.
You have the choice of looking back at what you are leaving
or looking ahead to where you are going. Paul wanted to finish the
course, to complete the task. Keeping you attention on what God has
called you to keeps you moving in the right direction. Concentrating
on him and his goodness as your point of stability, you can navigate
change. Remember that every glass that is half empty is also half full.
Optimists may make as many mistakes as pessimists, but they have a
lot more fun getting where they are going.
Take one step at a time.
When you begin to feel overwhelmed by the size of the
change, break it up into smaller parts. It may seem hopeless to walk
across the continent, but many people have done itone step at a
time.
Your new assignment may be to begin a school in a village
that has never had one. You went to school but have never started
one so the task seems hopeless. Take it step by step.
Find a place to meet.
Select a curriculum.
Hire some teachers.
Etc.
Take care of yourself.
During change some people forget to care for themselves.
They need to care for themselves in every way, spiritually, socially,
physically.
Have a daily devotional time.
Spend time daily with spouse and family.
Schedule time with other missionaries.
Eat good healthy meals.
Exercise several times a week.
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Get restkeep a Sabbath.
Remember that it will end.

Every stream or river ends at a lake, sea, or ocean sooner or
later. Likewise, every torrent of change comes to an end, and you
will experience feelings of stability and normalcy again. Keep this in
mind as you feel like you are being helplessly swept along in the
current.
When people move to a new position in a different city, they
may ask how long it will be before it really feels like home. Although
some people make it sooner, it takes a full year for many to adapt to
the change. It may not feel like home until you have gone through
every season, every holiday, etc.
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Reconciliation. When leaving, you may try to deal with tensions

in relationships by ignoring them, hoping they will just disappear.
However, they do not. We carry them inside, and they interfere
with new relationships. If we ever spend time with the other party
again, the tensions will still be there and even harder to settle.
Paul reminded the Ephesian elders how he had lived among them
the whole time he was there and that he never even took support
from them but was always giving.
Affirmation. Let others know how you respect and appreciate
them by telling them how important their friendship has been and
how you enjoyed working with them. As you acknowledge how
people have blessed you, you will become aware of what you
have gained. Paul commits the Ephesians to Gods grace and
warns them of potential difficulties.
Farewells. Say good-bye to people, pets, places, and possessions.
Take pictures and small reminders of the good things that have
happened to you. After Paul was done speaking, they all prayed,
wept, embraced, kissed, went to the ship, and tore themselves
away.
Think destination. While saying your good-byes, begin thinking
realistically about where you are going. Think of it as a visit to the
place you used to call home and imagine realistically what it will
be like there. Paul wanted to be in Jerusalem by the day of
Pentecost, but he also realized that there were hardships facing
him there.
One thing that is particularly difficult is being forced to leave the
field before you really want to. This can be because of health
problems in yourself or family members, difficulty with a teenager,
and a host of other things. In such cases you may have feelings of
failure, depression, discouragement, resentment, and guilt. In such
cases it helps to acknowledge your grief, face present realities, draw a
healthy line on the past, and commit yourself to the present task.
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about Re-Entry
You are excited about going home to the country and church
that sent you to another culture as a missionary. Of course, you will
miss the people you have been ministering to while you have been in
your host country, but you begin to daydream about what it will be
like to be greeted by friends and family when you arrive home.
This is usual for everyone who has been away from home a
while. However, many times missionaries expectations are so high
that they experience high re-entry stress. When you get home, you
may find yourself feeling lonely, isolated, disillusioned,
misunderstood, depressed and irritated with people back home as well
as with your own culture. Let us look at how you can prevent some
of these feelings by leaving well, entering well, and being aware of
some of the pitfalls in going home.
Leaving Well
One of the things that may increase your re-entry stress is not
leaving your mission field correctly. The last part of Acts 20 gives us
a good example of missionaries leaving well. Paul had spent three
years in Ephesus and was headed back to his passport country and
headquarters in Jerusalem. Dave Pollock is fond of saying that to
leave well you should build a RAFT, so let us see how Paul
fulfilled that acronym.
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Traveling
Airplanes are wonderful for getting home in a hurry, but they
provide little time to leave your host country in your thinking.
There is little time to grieve your losses and anticipate your arrival as
you fly home, and sometimes you are still traveling in your thinking
even when your body has arrived back home. In one sense many
people are still transitioning for several days or weeks after they
arrive home. They unpack their suitcases long before they unpack
their minds.
Although Paul was in a hurry to leave to get home in time, he
had time to think as he traveled. Remember that he was covering
more than 600 miles by ship at the mercy of the winds, and he had to
make a connection (find another ship headed his way) after the first
200 miles. People back home may not understand and think it is
extravagant, but a week in Hawaii or in Europe on the way home is a
good way to transition more effectively.
Re-Entering Well
Of course, the first steps to re-entering well are to build a good
RAFT and give yourself some time to transition on the way home.
Now you find out if your expectations are realistic or not. Your
expectations form the basis for evaluating everything back home, and
everyone has expectations even if they deny them.
Unfortunately expectations may be based on what was true
one, two or four years ago. However, during that time everything has
changedyou, your friends and family, your church, and your
culture.
You have changed. Before you left, you drove your car to the
corner store, threw away food, and discarded plastic bags without
thinking. Now you walk half a mile, take food home from the
restaurant, and hoard bags. Paul had changed, and he told the
people in his passport country about persecuting followers of the
Way, being struck blind on the road, and then being sent to the
Gentiles (Acts 22)
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Your friends and family have changed. You used to belong to the
group, know where you fit with everyone, and friends confided in
you and listened to you. While you were gone, new people came
into the group, and your friends are involved in different
activities. You now feel like a marginal person, do not understand
the jokes others laugh at, and misinterpret some of the things they
say and do.
Your church has changed. When you left, it may have seemed to
be such a mission-minded church, but now no one seems very
interested in missions. When you try to talk about your mission
experience, people may listen politely for a few minutes, then
launch into an excited conversation about how the local football
team is doing. When Paul came home from his first term (Acts
15) of missionary service, people from the church maintained that
his converts were not saved. At the end of Pauls third term (Acts
22) people in his own denomination were excited. However,
when he went to the big church in town, the people basically
listened politely until he mentioned his missionary call; then they
called for his death.
Your culture has changed. Alvin Toffler wrote Future Shock to
point out that cultures now change so fast that even the people
living in them can barely keep up with the changes. People gone
for several years often return to a culture quite different from the
one they left. Something as simple as walking into a store and
buying something can be overwhelming.
Pitfalls to avoid
You will face many difficult situations. Here are some of the
most common.
Frustration. Things will be different, and some of those
differences will be very frustrating. For example, while overseas,
your family may have been closer because there was no TV and
you home-schooled your children. Back home TV, school
activities, many church activities, sporting events, club activities,
etc. will separate family members.
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Disillusionment. You return home all excited about what you

have been doing, but everyone at home seems so apathetic. As
one person put it, They are comatose and dont even know it.
Judgmental. It is very easy to become critical, condemning others
in the face of their apparent apathy. You may confuse the
narrower functions of the mission agency (outreach and training
for most) with the very broad functions of your local church.
Bitterness and Hostility. If you let these things progress far
enough, you may become bitter inside and let that express itself in
hostility toward the very people who supported you financially
and with prayer.
Suggestions for avoiding pitfalls

Pitfalls can be avoided, or at least made less disruptive to your
life and witness. Here are some suggestions.
Grieve your losses. If you have not taken time to grieve during
leaving or traveling, take some time to do so after you arrive.
Although time will be at a premium, set aside a few minutes each
day (perhaps during your devotional time) to fully grieve what
you have left behind.
Be honest. Do not let pride (spirituality?) keep you from sharing
your struggle with someone. Find someone(another missionary, a
close friend who will keep a confidence, a counselor who
understands missionaries, etc.) who will mentor you in adjusting
to life back home.
Adjust to changes in ministry. Most likely you will not be doing
the same kind of ministry that you were on the mission field.
What you do may seem quite mundane in comparison. However,
all avenues of service are pleasing to God, and you can find a way
to be a servant in any local church.
Thank your supporters. Even if you are not given the chance to
speak to all the people in your church during a service, find some
way to thank those who have helped you. Perhaps you can invite
them over for a meal you learned to prepare while in another
culture and share what God did in and through you.
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Reach out to people. Whatever you do, continue to reach out to

people as you did on the field. As you reach out, people will see
how you have changed and perhaps want to experience the same
changes in their lives.
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9
Part 2.
Everyday Challenges
about Event-Oriented Cultures

(Time Management)
(with Marty Seitz)
Many missionaries move from time-oriented cultures to eventoriented ones. The chapter about managing time in a culture where
events are more important will help make this change. Most people
today expect culture shock during those first few months after the
honeymoon period is over, but many are not prepared for the lasting
culture stress that remains years later. Although they may not have
more friends and family die than do other people, missionaries
experience much more loss of many other types so they tend to face
more grief over these other losses.
Some missionaries feel guilty over a variety of things so they
need to distinguish between feeling guilty and being guilty as well as
to know what to do in each case. Since the time of Jonah,
missionaries have felt anger, a human emotion. The chapter about
anger will help missionaries know how to respond to that anger.
Under stress in other cultures missionaries often have problems
sleeping. The chapter about sleep gives many tips on how to get
restful sleep.
The phrase time management would not even naturally

occur in the language of an event-oriented culture. It is a phrase that
would only occur to someone coming into such a culture from a timeoriented one. In time-oriented cultures we think of time as a
commodity. Our language reflects this when we talk about
spending or saving time and when we talk about investing or
wasting time. The phrase time is money would make little sense
in an event-oriented culture.
However, since many missionaries are from time-oriented
cultures and receive support from people with that orientation, it
remains relevant to their lives when interacting with family and
supporters back in their passport countries.
Jesus lived in a culture in which people did not wear watches
on their wrists and did not hang clocks on every wall. Sometimes he
responded immediately and went to people, and at other times he
delayed his response or withdrew to be alone.
For example, on one occasion when two of Johns disciples
began following Jesus, he did not send them away but spent the day
with them (John 1:39). Likewise, when Nicodemus came to him at
night, Jesus did not say that it was time to go to bed but spent time
carefully answering his question (John 3:1-21).
However, on another occasion when his brothers urged him to
publicly show himself to the world, Jesus said the time was not right.
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He said, You go to the Feast. Im not yet going up to this Feast, for
the right time has not yet come. Then when his brothers left for the
feast, Jesus also went in secret. (John 7:1-10).
Between these events, Jesus urged his disciples into action
because the harvest time had arrived (John 4:35). Likewise we find in
Matthew 4:17 that the time had come for Jesus to preach and in
Matthew 16:21 that the time had come for Jesus to explain to his
disciples what was going to happen. In these cases time referred to an
order of events or an opportunity rather than to a schedule, so Jesus
dealt with time in a variety of ways. How do we manage our time in
an event-oriented culture? Let us consider some ways.
Corinthians 9:19-23). So even if you feel out of step and never

fully get used to late meetings and the slowness with which events
move, join the culture in which you are serving. Remember that
people in that culture get things done in their own time, and they often
get them done very effectively. For their benefit, choose to try to
avoid offending them. It may even be good to develop the bad
habit of being tardy while working in an event-oriented culture. Your
being late may be less offensive to members of an event-oriented
culture may than your always being on time.
Be God-oriented first.
First you probably need to learn about the event-oriented

culture in which you are living, so be open to being taught.
Observe.
How do people greet one another?
How do they connect socially?
What do they talk about?
How do they say good bye?
Ask.
Consult with other missionaries.
Ask nationals about time-related issues and norms.
Ask to which events one can be late and how to interpret the
time stated. For example does 8:00 mean 8:00, 8:15, 8:30, or
9:00?
Find out what reasons for tardiness are acceptable.
Ask how late you can or should be. That may depend on your
status.
Read. As you read books about the culture, pay close attention to
the sections about the use of time.
Time may be very specific to particular events. For example it
may be more acceptable to miss the wedding, than to miss the
receptionand perhaps you must not leave the reception before the
meal is served and the cake is cut. If your visit to the wake at a
When asked what was the most important commandment and

how to obtain eternal life, Jesus replied with what we call the Great
Commandmentputting God first in every area of life (Matthew 22,
Mark 12, Luke 10). Your time with God is the most important
thing in either a time-oriented or and event-oriented culture.
Settle this before attempting to answer questions about time vs. event
or task vs. people.
The most important question is, What does God want me to
do in this situation?
Ask him.
Pray for wisdom, guidance and help in knowing what to do with
your time.
Look for Scripture passages related to event-oriented cultural
responses.
Ask the Holy Spirit to illumine passages.
Ask people to pray for you to have Gods wisdom in how to spend
your time.
Choose today.
The apostle Paul wrote that for the sake of the gospel, so that
some might be saved, he became all things to all people (1
Teach and be taught.
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funeral is too short, it may be perceived as cursory, indicating that

you do not really share in the grief of the family.
After you have learned about time in the culture and been
accepted by the people there, it may be good to teach the nationals
about your culture. That may help them understand you and interact
well with other people from time-oriented cultures. One missionary
said that those working with him came to admire his traits and
activities even though they could not manage those themselves. In
fact, they came to depend on his efficiency to get things done in
situations when promptness was important.
Coach yourself well.
Quiet those automatic thoughts that condemn event-oriented
people as inefficient, unproductive, and wasteful. Replace them with
positive thoughts.
Im being productive in a different way.
Im expanding my repertoire of uses of time.
Im becoming more flexible for the Masters use.
Im learning how to manage relationships instead of time.
Im learning how not to offend people.
Remember that use of time is not inherently a moral issue.
You may just be learning to be more like Mary and less like Martha.
What Martha was doing was not bad, but what Mary was doing was
better at that time. You may have to earn the right to speak to
peoples needs before presenting your extensively researched Bible
study. Be sure you know what their needs are before you try to speak
about them. Remember that the watch on the nationals arm may just
be a status symbol, not an indicator of time-orientation.
Try these tricks of the trade.
Here are a few things you can do to help you adapt to the
event-orientation of an event-oriented culture.
Take your watch off.
Remove all clocks from your home.
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Pay attention to the position of the sun instead of the minute hand
on your watch.
Build ample time cushions (between events) into your planning.
Memorize Scripture when you wind up waiting for half an hour.
Always carry a Bible or Testament so that you can use unexpected
time for devotions, sermon preparation, class preparation, etc.
Reward yourself for not being time-conscious.
Make notes of good things that happen when you are not in a rush.
Journal about times when you are not able to be time conscious.
Use the time spent waiting to verify that your teaching is
understood.
Use time you spend waiting as a teaching/training opportunity to
disciple someone.
Use the time spent waiting to build rapport with nationals.
Use the time to observe and learn about your host culture.
Get out of town.

You may want to escape to a mountain as Jesus did. At
times he got away from people, and he encouraged his disciples to do
the same thing. If you are from a time-oriented culture, you may feel
more relaxed if you can get away to a place where time
management is a meaningful concept. Just as you continue to speak
your mother tongue at home even when living in another country,
there is nothing wrong with having a place where you can make lists
and accomplish things in timely fashion. Just as it is relaxing in a
time-oriented culture to take some time away from that orientation, it
may be relaxing to take some time away from an event-oriented
culture, time to study and get things done. Rather than a retreat
from time-orientation, it is a retreat to time-orientation.
Some people may believe that a Christian worker, especially a
missionary, should not refuse to spend time with people who want
them to stay, but that was not the case with the apostle Paul. At the
end of his second term he briefly visited Ephesus, leaving two other
missionaries to continue the work. When the people of Ephesus
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asked him to spend more time with them, he declined, saying that he
would come back if it was Gods will (Acts 18: 20-21). Of course, he
did return to Ephesus during his third term and spent several years
there (Acts 19:8-10). Not only did Paul leave when asked to stay
longer, but also at times he purposely avoided seeing people when he
was in a hurry. At the end of his third term and in a hurry to reach
Jerusalem, Paul decided to sail past Ephesus to avoid spending time
there. Instead he stopped south of Ephesus and asked the elders of the
church to come down to meet him briefly (Acts 20:16-38).
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10
about Culture Stress
Parable of the exchange rate.

When you enter another country, you exchange your currency
for the currency of that country. The exchange rate may vary if you
exchange at a bank or in a store. It may vary from town to town.
However, you soon learn what the rate is where you are so that you
can soon figure how much money you will get for each unit of
currency at home.
In the same way, when you enter another country, there is an
exchange rate for time. What took one hour in your passport country
may take two hours in a large city in the new one. What took one
hour back home may take four hours in a small town. You can
soon make the adjustment in determining the cost in time just as
you can make the adjustment in terms of currency.
You feel tired, anxious, discouraged, isolated, angry, and

homesick but cannot think of any reason why you should feel that
way. You have been on the field for several years, but these feelings
always seem to be thereincreasing and decreasing. You wonder
what could be causing them. It could be culture stress. You may say,
I know about culture shock, but what is culture stress? What is the
difference between culture stress and culture shock? What causes
culture stress? What are its effects? What can be done about it?
Can it be prevented? Lets consider some of these questions.
What is culture stress?
Culture stress is the stress that occurs when you change to a
different way of living in a new culture. It is what you experience as
you move beyond understanding the culture to making it your own so
that you accept the customs, becoming comfortable and at home with
them. If you are trying to become a real part of the culture, to become
bicultural, you are likely to experience culture stress as you assimilate
some of the conventions to the point that they feel natural to you.
Of course, if you live in a missionary ghetto, you may
experience little culture stress. Early modern missionaries often lived
in compounds, which were physically identifiable as missionary
ghettoes. Today, even though some missionaries live physically in a
national community, they have primarily relationships with other
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missionaries. A missionary subculture may develop which becomes

focused on itself and preoccupied with group concerns so that the
missionaries experience little culture stress. Those trying to become
an integral part of the national community are the ones who
experience the greatest culture stress.
How is culture stress different from culture shock?

As culture shock was originally defined (honeymoon, crisis,
recovery, adjustment), culture stress was considered to be a part of it.
However, the word shock connotes something sudden and shortlived. Thus, many people today think of culture shock as the crisis
stage (confusion, disorientation, and lack of control) and the recovery
stage (language and cultural cues more familiar). These stages begin
when the new missionary leaves the enthusiastic, exciting, optimistic
tourist mode, usually beginning in a few weeks, worsening for about
six months, and basically ending within a year or two.
Culture stress is the adjustment stage in which people accept
the new environment, adopting new ways of thinking and doing
things so that they feel like they belong to the new culture. This takes
years, and some missionaries never complete it. This may go on and
on.
What causes culture stress?
Many factors enter into the amount of culture stress one feels
while living in another culture. Here are some of the major ones.
Involvement. The more you become personally involved in the
culture, the more culture stress you may feel. The tourist, the
business person or someone from the diplomatic corps not
committed to being the incarnation of Christ in that culture, may
feel little culture stress.
Values. The greater the differences in values between your home
culture and your host culture, the greater the stress. Values of
cleanliness, responsibility, and use of time may cause stress for
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years. Cultures may appear similar on the surface but have broad
differences in deeper values.
Communication. Learning the meanings of words and rules of
grammar are only a small part of being able to communicate
effectively. The whole way of thinking, the common knowledge
base, and the use of non-verbals are necessary and come only with
great familiarity with the culture.
Temperament. The greater the difference in your personality and
the average personality in the culture, the greater the stress. A
reserved person may find it difficult to feel at home where most
people are outgoing extroverts. An extrovert may never feel at
ease in a reserved culture.
Entryre-entry. Most missionaries, unlike immigrants, live in
two cultures and may never feel fully at home in either. Every
few years they change their place of residence, never fully
adapting to the culture they are in at the time.
Children. The more your children internalize the values of your
host culture and the more you realize that they will be quite
different from you, the more stress you may feel.
Multinational teams. Although effectiveness of the ministry may
increase, working together in your mission with people from
cultures other than your host culture often adds to the culture
stress.
What are the results of culture stress?

Many of the results of culture stress are the same as those of
any other stress.
Feelings of anxiety, confusion, disorientation, uncertainty,
insecurity, and helplessness
Fatigue, tiredness, lack of motivation, lethargy, lack of joy
Illness (stress suppresses the immune system), concern about
germs, fear of what might be in the food
Disappointment, lack of fulfillment, discouragement, feeling hurt,
feeling inadequate, feeling out of it
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Anger, irritability, contempt for the host culture, resentment

(perhaps toward God), feelings of superiority or inferiority
Rejection of the host culture, the mission board, even of God.
Homesickness
Etc.
Some people seem to believe that they can adapt to anything,
even continual stress, without it hurting them. It just does not
workthat way. In the 1930s, stress researcher Hans Selye put rats
under many different kinds of stress. He kept some in a refrigerator,
others in an oven, made some swim for hours a day, injected others
with chemicals, others with bacteria, etc. The results were almost
always the same. The rats went through the same cycle. First was the
alarm reaction in which resources were mobilized. Then came the
resistance stage in which it seemed like an adequate adjustment had
been made. But if the stressor was intense enough or long enough,
sooner or later the stage of exhaustion occurred when the resources
were depleted, and the rats collapsed. If the stressor continued, they
died. You probably have seen people who seemed to be making an
adequate adjustment, suddenly break down. Uninterrupted stress of
enough intensity leads to exhaustion sooner or later in most
individuals.
What can be done about culture stress?

Much can be done to decrease culture stress and make it
manageable.
Recognition. Realize that culture stress is inevitable for those
attempting to become at home in a host culture, and look at what
factors cause you the most stress.
Acceptance. Admit that the host culture is a valid way of life, a
means of bringing Christ to the people who live in it.
Communication. Beware of isolating yourself from everyone in
your home culture, those with whom you can relax and be
yourself, those with whom you can talk.
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Escape. You need daily, weekly, and annual respites. God made
the Sabbath for people, so be sure you keep it. Reading, music,
hikes, worship (not leading it), and vacations are necessary.
Identity. Know who you are and what you will allow to be
changed about you. Acculturation inherently involves changes in
your personality, so determine the unchangeables.
Activity. Since stress prepares you for fight or flight, and as a
missionary you can probably do neither, you must have some
physical activity to use that energy. Sports, an exercise plan, and
active games with family or friends can reduce stress.
Befriend a national family. Get close to a national family just for
fun, not to learn or evangelize. Learn how to have fun in that
culture.
Can culture stress be prevented?

The answer to this is simple and short. No! Stress in general
cannot be preventedwe all experience it in life. Trying to become
at home in another culture is always a challenging venture.
However, like other stress, it can be managed, decreased to a
level with which you can livestress without distress. The factors
that help you cope with stress are summarized in the three enduring
things mentioned by Paul at the end of 1 Corinthians 13.
Faith. In addition to faith in God, faith in yourself as a person
created in Gods image and called into his service will help you
cope.
Hope. Rather than feeling helpless, having not only the hope of
eternity with God, but also hope in your future, knowing that he
has good plans for you, will help you cope.
Love. Finally, having both Gods love and the love of his people
to give you support in the stressful situations you face daily, will
help you cope.
Stress is a part of life, and everyone learns how to manage it
or suffers the consequences. Remember that not everyone can
become at home in two cultures, and it typically takes a very long
time for those who do it successfully.
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Agency Funds: Designated
11
about Managing Money
When people have donated money for a particular project,

such as building a hospital or student scholarships, there should be no
question. The only ethical thing to do is to spend all of that money on
the project for which it was given. Anything else is dishonest.
Agency Funds: Undesignated
Imagine these situations: some of the other missionaries on

your team make reservations at a five-star hotel for the whole group
going to the conference. When you question staying in such an
expensive place with lodging at a fraction of the cost across the street,
they point out that your agency is paying for it so it is no problem.
When back in your host country dining out, others want to eat
at a very expensive restaurant with lots of atmosphere. You think
about the little cash you have left at the end of the month for food for
your own family and suggest a more modest restaurant. They say not
to always be so concerned about money, that you cant really enjoy
things when you are.
In a committee meeting deciding on a new building, other
missionaries vote to borrow the money and begin right away even
though your field has only about one-tenth of the funds, and getting
more is unlikely. They say build now; pay later. You suggest
building without borrowing. They chide you for your little faith,
saying that people will give when you begin.
Can some general principle be applied in all situations, or does
each instance have to be considered individually? Does it make a
difference if agency funds, your expense account, or your personal
funds are involved? What about designated versus undesignated
funds? Let us consider these questions.
Sometimes the home office sends funds to a group serving in

another country and tells that group to use the money where needed
most. If the home office specifies one person to make decisions about
the funds, he or she is the one to make those decisions. However, the
home office often leaves it up to a committee or even everyone
serving in that country to decide how the money should be used.
Then everyone is responsible for the decisions made. When this is the
case a variety of things may occur, such as
Competition for funds
Pet projects promoted
Personal power used
Interpersonal problems
When this is the case those present must develop a way to
make decisions between such things as
Saving versus borrowing
Faith versus presumption
Cost versus quality
Simplicity versus luxury
Spending versus investing
People have different values on such things, and many hold
those values dear. Some people may become quite angry when the
group as a whole makes decisions that violate their values.
The best way to make such decisions is to come to a
consensus through extended discussion and prayer. However, if such
consensus is not reached, each agency should have a way of making
group decisions, such as Roberts Rules of Order (older editions
available online). Though the procedure of making motions,
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seconding them, discussing them, and then voting on them may seem
tedious, this formal procedure is often needed. Then when the
decision is finally reached, everyone must abide by the decision and
not grumble or agitate.
Ministry Expense Accounts
Most agencies have an account in which the funds are
available for missionaries to use for projects and people they serve.
Each missionary is responsible for how the money in that expense
account is used. This is analogous to the wealthy man described in
Luke 19. In that passage each person was given money to manage
and was held personally accountable for the results.
We often refer to this as stewardship in which the steward is
the manager of money. A steward is literally a sty-ward, the ward
(keeper) of the sty (pen) of someone elses animalsthe wealth of
people in Biblical times. He was the one to manage the wealth of
another.
Missionaries today should understand this with little difficulty
because many people out of their passport cultures for several years at
a time give someone power of attorney. This person (steward) can
then do such things as deposit money, write checks, manage financial
portfolios (if they have investments) while the missionaries are out of
the country.
Although most people do not do it formally, Stanley Tam,
Founder and President of U.S. Plastic Corporation, formally and
legally made God the owner of his business. In 1955 while in
Columbia he sensed that God wanted him to be an employee, so he
now works for God and receives a salary like any other employee.
Millions of dollars of profits have been administered by a foundation
whose purpose is to establish churches in third world countries.
Though you may not legally become an employee of God, you
are, in fact, the steward of the money given for his work as you invest
it in people and projects in countries other than your own. You
should always keep that attitude, an attitude of managing Gods
money.
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Personal Salary Account

With our Western emphasis on individualism and private
property, we tend to think that the money paid to us for our work is
ours, that we are responsible to no one for how we spend it.
However, we must remember that everything belongs to God, and we
are stewards of whatever we have here on earth. We do have control
of it, but as stewards managing the money he has given to us.
Like the stewards in Matthew 25, we are all given different
amounts of money to manage. Some of us have enough to meet our
needs and much left over to spend in other ways. Others of us have
barely enough to live on. God expects all of us to be good stewards
of whatever he has given us whether ours is twice what others have
or whether ours is half of what others have.
Certainly we are to use the money to care for ourselves and
those in our family. We are to use it for the needs of our family,
including the need for recreation and leisure. God does ask us to give
at least a tithe of this money to him, but he also appreciates an
offering as well. We must remember that God counts money quite
differently from the way we do. When Jesus commented on the
woman who gave two small coins out of her poverty, he said that she
had given more than those who had given large amounts of money out
of their wealth. God looks at how much people have left. The
question is not how much of our money we give to God, but how
much of Gods money we keep for ourselves.
For many years R. G LeTourneau (founder of LeTourneau
University) lived on ten percent of his income and gave away ninety
percent to Christian work, especially missionary efforts in Africa and
South America. We may comment that we could do that with his
income, but even when his business was in financial jeopardy, he
continued giving his sacrificial pledges to Christ's work.
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Personal Gifts
You may be thinking that certainly personal gifts given to us
are ours, not Gods. There is no indication in the Bible that this is the
case. We are stewards of whatever we have whether it is given to us
because of our work or whether someone gives it to us as a gift. The
same principles apply.
From the beginning human beings have been stewards of
Gods property. In the early chapters of Genesis Adam and Eve were
placed in the Garden to till and keep it. All of creation was Gods and
they were to care for it.
Concluding Comments
In conclusion, let us consider some specifics about being good
stewards.
Tithes and Offerings. It is important to present at least your tithe
as soon as you receive the money. If you wait to do this at the end
of your pay period, there is not likely to be anything left even for a
tithe, much less an offering.
Care for yourself. Being a good steward means caring for
yourself and your family. Eating right, having adequate clothing
and shelter, and having times for rest and restoration of yourselves
means that you will be good servants of God.
Debt. Borrowing to buy things that depreciate is rarely a good
idea. Borrowing for things that appreciate in value may be good.
However, beware of getting heavily into debt, as some people do
(even for good things, such as education for themselves or their
children). You may get so deeply in debt for education that by the
time you pay the debt off you have also bought a house, have
entered a career path, have more childrenand they never make it
to serving in another culture.
Savings and retirement. Saving money for education, and
especially for retirement, is good stewardship. In many sending
countries some form of Social Security is available for older
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people, but it often puts them at the poverty level which may
make them a burden to others.
Cant take it with you. Remember that you cannot take money
with you when you die. Jesus pointed out that people who hoard
their money for themselves thinking they can take life easy, eat,
drink, and be merry soon die and leave it all for others (Luke
12:16-21).
Can send it ahead. Though you cant take it with you, you can
send it ahead. Jesus advised his followers not to store up things
on earth where insects, decay, and thieves destroy, but to store up
treasures in heaven where they last forever. You cannot serve
both God and money.
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Things?
12
about Grief
You may say, I dont need to know anything about grief. No

one in my family has died, and when someone does, Ill fly home to
the funeral. If and when that happens, it may be one of your easier
encounters with grief because everyone there will understand your
grief, and your culture has developed rituals to enable you to resolve
your grief. Although we commonly think of grief as related to the
death of a loved one, there are many other causes of grief.
The dictionary defines grief as the intense emotional
suffering caused by loss of any kind. Missionaries experience many
losses that other people do not, so those people do not understand.
There is no funeral or other ritual to assist in grieving over these
losses. Missionaries may offer true, but over-spiritualized, platitudes
in denial of the losses they experience. When people are dying and
losing everything, we do not question their denial, anger, or
depression before they come to accept their loss. Regarding losses
other than death, missionaries may carry a load of unexpressed,
unresolved grief.
More important than the objective severity of the loss is
each persons own interpretation of the loss. Leaving a pet may seem
like a minor event to most people, but those who have had that pet for
years may experience much grief. Here are several losses that may
increase grief for missionaries.
Everyone understands the loss of friends and family, but what

about the house, the car, the supermarket, the school, the pets, the
newspaper, and the toys? All of these, and more, are lost as you leave
your passport country to become missionaries. Any, or all, may cause
grief.
You may develop two homes, one in your passport country
and one on the field. When you come home, people there cannot
understand that you feel the loss of the smells, the foods, the animals,
the friendliness of the people, and the music of the country where you
have been serving. Losing these may cause grief when you return to
your passport country.
Transfers?
Headquarters calls, and you move to another field. You lose
everything you have come to love over the last months or years.
Grief comes again. Perhaps this culture has become home to your
teens, and when you move to the new field, your older adolescents
remain with other missionaries to finish school. They may be old
enough to marry a national and stay behind foreveranother loss and
more grief.
The field committee asks you to take over a project that has
not been handled well by another missionary. However, that means
leaving what you have been doing so effectivelyanother loss. Your
new project does not take off and the one you left also declines
more grief.
Transitions?
You knew that being a missionary would mean moving even
more often than other people do in our mobile culture. Built into
long-term missionary life are usually at least two moves every five
years, four years on the field and one at home. In addition are the
countless moves to different fields, to different places on the same
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field, to different states on home assignment, etc. The list of

transitions seems endless.
People sometimes say IBM means Ive Been Moved. In the
same way, MAF may seem to mean Move Again, Friend, or WGM
may seem to mean Weve Gotta Move. Missionaries are always
saying good-bye, multiple good-byes to people, places, possessions
and petsgrieving for all.
The hardest transitions seem to be premature departures. How
do you say goodbye when you dont want to leave? What if there has
been a moral lapse? What if you have not been able to stand up under
the emotional strain? What if headquarters just said to leave your
assignment or to leave the mission? What if you are leaving in an
evacuation? More grief.
Travel?
Travel is exciting to many people, but to missionaries on
deputation, it can be dreary. You have been away from home for
several years on the field, and now you are away even more. When
overseas you could not get home for the funeral of a friend (no
money, no flight available, no time free), but now that you are at
home, you cannot get back to the field for a funeral thereunresolved
grief in both cases.
Before airplanes, travel time was a time to work through the
loss, through grief. It took at least days, if not weeks, to get from
country to country whether traveling by ship, train, or horse-drawn
vehicle. Today missionaries finish packing, step onto the plane, and
in a few hours are at their destination. They have had no time to work
through the loss.
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months for the death of a loved one. Some people say that such
bereavement should be over in a couple months, but it often takes
much longer. Those who try to short-circuit the grieving process may
experience problems years later.
Triggers?
Long after your time of grieving seems to be over, you may
suddenly feel the loss intensely again. Triggers (stimuli that bring
back memories of the lost person, place, or thing) surprise you by
suddenly reactivating the grief. You may not even realize that you
saw, heard, or smelled something that brought back memories of the
loss. Smell is especially likely to do this, and you will not even know
why you thought of that person, place, possession or pet.
Anniversaries are particularly difficult, especially wedding
anniversaries. Birthday anniversaries are another difficult time.
Firsts are also difficult, such as the first Christmas or first family
reunion. Related events in others lives may be difficult, such as the
birth of a friends child bringing back the loss of your ownyears
later, when you thought the grief was gone.
Trauma?
Missionaries may be more likely to experience traumatic
situations. Other cultures may be more likely to have assault, political
unrest, evacuations, bombings, killings, kidnappings, and so forth.
When this happens to a missionary, others also become involved, and
rightly so. Even though they did not experience the trauma firsthand,
those helping also often grieve over the loss caused by the trauma.
Time?
Theology?
That brings us to the time it takes to grieve. Grieving rituals

are different in different cultures, so grief is expected to take different
times in each. Grieving always takes time, sometimes much time. It
may take a few days for leaving things, weeks for leaving friends, and
When a people in business get moved, they blame the

company. When people in the military get moved, they blame the
government. When missionaries get moved, they may blame not only
administrators at headquarters, but also God himself. After all people
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have prayed about the move and have determined that it is Gods will.
God called us, he made us move, and it is his fault. Naomis
statements about God in Ruth 1:20-21 are excellent examples.
Returning missionaries may feel just as she did.
What can we do about it?
Be honest. The loss and grief you experience is real. Do not deny
it; it really hurts. Do not over spiritualize it and say what a
privilege it is to suffer for Jesus, if it is not. Be honest and open
about your feelings of loss.
Be informed. Reading this brochure and other material about
grief helps you become informed. Realize that all of these Ts
are especially relevant to missionaries.
Be Christian. Too often Christians deny their feelings of grief.
They may quote 1 Thessalonians 4:13 as saying that we are not
to grieve like the rest of men. Do not stop there because the rest
of the verse is who have no hope. We grieve, but like people
who have hope. Look at what the Bible says:
Abraham grieved. Genesis 23:2
Jacob grieved. Genesis 37:35
David grieved. 2 Samuel 18:33
Jesus grieved. John 11:35. Jesus wept is one of the shortest but
most important verses in the Bible. If he wept at the funeral of a
friend, we certainly can grieve about our losses.
Be missionaries. We have an excellent example of people saying
good-bye to missionaries in Acts 20:17-21:1. Paul talked
extensively about his leaving them, and then beginning in verse
36, note what they did:
They said their good-byes.
They knelt.
They prayed.
They wept.
They embraced.
They kissed.
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They went to the ship.

They tore themselves away.
This is a good example of the grief expressed at the parting of a
missionary. Paul had ministered to them two years, and such grief
is normal and expected. If you do not express the grief over your
losses, it may remain unresolved and return to hinder your work.
Be honest informed Christian missionaries relative to your loss
and grief.
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Why do I feel so guilty?
13
about Guilt
Lately you have been feeling guilty, but are not sure why.
People are suffering. They are dying without Christ. Your work
seems to make little difference. You are having difficulty maintaining
a consistent devotional life. You just feel guilty about so many things
that it is interfering with your work. You begin to wonder if you are
guilty. Why do you feel so guilty? Isnt guilt bad? What can you do
about feeling so guilty? What if the feelings dont go away? Let us
consider some of these questions.
Am I guilty?
This is the crucial question. All possible combinations of guilt
and guilt feelings are possible. You may be guilty and not feel guilty,
you may feel guilty and not be guilty, or you may be guilty and feel
guilty. Any one of these is likely to interfere with your work as a
missionary. You want to reach the place where you are not guilty and
do not feel guilty.
The Bible says much about being guilty. A look in a
concordance at guilt and guilty will reveal dozens of verses about
being guilty of sin. When you break one of Gods commands, you are
guiltywhether you feel guilty or not. If you are guilty, something
needs to be done about the guilt, and we will discuss that later.
Of course, you may feel guilty because you are guilty, and that
is good. Although the Bible says much about being guilty, it says
little about feeling guilty. If you feel guilty because you are guilty,
you just need to do something about the sin. However, many people
feel guilty without being guilty. In fact, the guilt feelings may even
be stronger when there is no guilt. Here are a few examples of things
other than sin that may produce guilt feelings:
Falling short of your own expectations. This often happens during
the first term, especially for perfectionists.
Falling short of others expectations. Your church, your family,
headquarters, and field director may expect more of you than you
can possibly do.
Not forgiving yourself. After God has forgiven your sin, you may
not be able to forgive yourself even though your guilt is gone.
Guilt trips by other people. Martha tried to lay a guilt trip on
Mary for not working hard enough in Luke 10, and she even tried
to get Jesus to join her.
Oversensitive conscience. A good conscience will produce guilt
when you sin; however, part of your conscience is learned in your
culture, and you may feel guilty for many things that have nothing
to do with sin.
Survivor guilt. You may have gone through a traumatic situation
and may feel guilty that you survived when others did not, or feel
guilty about what you had to do to survive.
Satan himself. Remember that Satan is the accuser of the
brothers in 1 Peter 5 and Revelation 12. His accusations can
make you feel guilty.
Temptation. Although we are never promised that we will be
beyond temptation, missionaries may feel guilty for being tempted
to lie, cheat, or be sexually unfaithful.
Shame, rather than guilt, often brings on these guilt feelings.
Guilt means that you have broken Gods command, fallen short of his
expectations. Shame means that you have fallen short of the
expectations of someone other than God. It may have begun when
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you walked through a mud puddle, soiling your new shoes. Your
parents said, Shame on you, you should have known better.
Perhaps there was no way for you to have known, and the Bible does
not forbid walking in puddles, but you felt guilty.
Isnt guilt bad?
Of course it is. Thats a major goal of missions, to tell people
in other cultures that God has solved the sin problem.
Arent guilt feelings bad too? They may or may not be. If
they are caused by things other than sin, such as some of the examples
given in the previous section, they are also bad. They will interfere
with the missionarys goal of telling others the good news.
Guilt feelings as a result of sin are good. These guilt feelings
provide motivation for doing something about the sin in your life.
Without them people seldom come to Christ, and often have great
difficulty in society, perhaps becoming antisocial personalities
(psychopaths) and getting into serious legal trouble. Such guilt
feelings tend to be strongest immediately after sin is committed, then
to decrease as rationalizations are generated. You then no longer feel
the guilt, at least not nearly as much, and your heart is hardened,
making you much less likely to do something about the sin.
Are guilt feelings worse for missionaries?
Guilt feelings may be worse for missionaries because of some
special situations.
Living standards. Some missionaries live quite affluently
compared to the people they minister to, and may feel guilty about
their wealth. This is becoming less so as missionaries go to large
cities.
Suffering. Many of the people missionaries work with are
suffering compared to Western standards, and all their needs
simply cannot be met.
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Childrens education. Although MKs do better academically than

non-MKs back home, missionaries may feel like they are not
providing an adequate education.
Aging parents. Since missionaries are out of their home country
and do not have large financial resources, they may feel guilty
about not caring for aging parents.
Civil authorities. How can a missionary get anything done in a
society where the local value system may conflict with that of the
missionary? For example, what is the difference between a
gratuity and a bribe?
People in their own cultures often have problems dealing with
their affluence, the suffering of others, their childrens education,
their aging parents, and their government, so the difference is one of
degree, not of kind.
What can I do about guilt?

The natural response to realizing you are guilty is to try to
hide or rationalize, such as Adam and Eve did. However, that will not
solve the problem. Missionaries are familiar with what to do about
sin, but here is a review of the steps.
Confession. Certainly confess your sins to God. You may also
want to confess to people you have harmed as well. Confession
usually should be only to those actually affected by the sin rather
than to the general public.
Repentance. Repentance is more than being sorry for your sins; it
is a change of purpose or a change of mind. We are to turn from
our sinful ways to God. After forgiving her, Jesus told the woman
taken in adultery to sin no more.
Faith. Christ paid the penalty for our sins, and we must trust him
for this.
Restitution. As far as possible, try to make right the wrong you
have done. If you have stolen something, you can usually return
it. Of course, if you have destroyed anothers reputation, you may
not be able to rebuild it.
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What can I do about guilt feelings?

That depends on the cause. If the guilt feelings are because of
sin, follow the steps reviewed above. If the guilt feelings are because
of other factors, you need to deal with each one individually. Lets
consider a couple of examples.
First-term missionaries often have very high expectations
about what they will accomplish and feel guilty that they do not
achieve their personal goals. In this case, they need to talk with an
experienced missionary and set more realistic goals. Of course, they
may still not lower their expectations, thinking that they are different,
that their ministry will be more effective.
If the goals set for you by others are too high, ask to have
them lowered. One teacher felt guilty for not spending the required
number of minutes on each subject until she realized that the required
number of minutes each day was an hour and twenty minutes longer
than she had the children in class. The principal lowered the number
of required minutes.
What if the guilt feelings dont go away?
Guilt feelings that you have had for a long time as a result of
sin may become conditioned responses and remain even after the sin
is forgiven. Just as Pavlovs dogs salivated to the sound of a bell, so
you may feel guilty when some event triggers the guilt feelings, even
after the sin is forgiven and the guilt itself is gone. These responses
gradually decrease and stop over time.
If they do not go away, you may need to talk with your pastor
or a counselor about why they are still there. You may have hidden
things under layer after layer of rationalization and may need
someone else to help you sort it all out.
A related question is how to lead a consistent Christian life to
keep from becoming guilty again. Two things are very important.
First, maintain a consistent daily devotional life. Missionaries report
that this is their most difficult spiritual activity. Second, get into an
accountability relationship with others to check on each other weekly,
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or at some other regular interval. Agree with the others, as to what

you will hold each other accountable for, and give this meeting a high
priority in your life. Include daily devotions in any accountability
plan.
Christ died for our sins and there is no condemnation in
Christ. There is no need to be hindered by guilt or guilt feelings.
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He was angry with the vine when it withered and no longer gave
him shade (4:6-9). If living today, he would be angry with the
electricity when it went off, with the computer when it crashed,
and with the car when it quit.
Like many people you know, perhaps including yourself,
Jonah had a problem with anger. Let us consider whether or not
anger is sinful, why we get angry, what we can do with the anger, and
whether or not we can change people who make us angry.
14
about Anger
Is anger sinful?
When Jonah is mentioned, we usually think of his
disobedience. In reality Jonah was a cross-cultural missionary whose
ministry was incredibly successful. After some hesitation, he went
into the large, important city where God had called him and preached
the message God had given him. The people, including the king,
responded by fasting, praying, and giving up their evil ways.
However, instead of returning to his passport country with exciting
reports of the salvation of 120,000 people, he sat down to pout.
Jonahs attitudes did not match his successful ministry. He
became angry, and his anger generalized to many different categories
of people and things.
He was angry with the people group to whom God had called him
to minister. It was an evil city, one which a fellow prophet had
pointed out was filled with liars, killers, and thieves (Nahum 3:1).
Jonahs anger had turned to hatred, and though he preached to
them, he really wanted them destroyed because they had been so
cruel to his people.
He was angry with God. He said to God, I knew it! That is why I
didnt want to come in the first place. I knew that you were a
loving, compassionate God who would forgive them! God did
not destroy the people as he had hoped; Jonah asked God to take
his life; and then he went outside to city and sat down to see what
would happen (4:1-5).
Some Christians maintain that if we are truly spiritual, we will

never become angry, or never express it if we do. However, the Bible
approves of anger in some instances, but with warnings about it. We
must never forget that anger is only one letter away from danger.
Even as Jonah was praying to God and mentioning his grace and
compassion, he pointed out that God was slow to anger (4:2).
Jesus was angry on occasion, but also warned about it. When
people were watching him to see if they could accuse him of
healing on the Sabbath, he looked around at them in anger, was
distressed about their attitude, and went ahead and healed the man
(Mark 3; 1-6). However, he also said that people angry at
someone (perhaps without cause) were subject to judgment
(Matthew 5:22).
Both Old and New Testaments tell us, In your anger, do not sin.
(Psalm 4:4; Ephesians 4:26). Paul to tells the Ephesians to get
over their anger soon, and continues on telling them to get rid of
all bitterness, rage, and anger (4:31).
Both Old and New Testaments point out the importance of being
slow to anger. As noted above, Jonah said that God was slow to
anger. James notes that we should be quick to listen, slow to
speak and slow to become angry if we want righteousness (James
1:19).
Anger is one of those things that may be sinful at some times and
not at others, so we must be very careful of the danger of falling into
sin when we become angry.
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Why do we get angry?
Here are a few of the many reasons people become angry.

Genetics. Just as some people are born with a predisposition
toward depression (another emotion), some people may be born
with a predisposition to respond with anger. Things that would be
shrugged off by most people result in anger.
Learning. Others see the expression of anger modeled
inappropriately as they are growing up and/or are rewarded for
angry behavior themselves, so they learn to respond with anger.
Control. Still others have discovered that when they respond with
anger, they can manipulate other people, so they use it as a means
of control.
Frustration. One of the responses to having something, or
someone, keep us from getting what we want is anger.
Injustice. Of course, most people have experienced anger being
aroused when they perceive injustice being done, especially to
someone for whom they care deeply.
What do we do with anger?

Cultures vary widely in their prescriptions for how to handle
anger, and those prescriptions change with time and place.
Suppression. From the time of Plato through the Puritans to the
present, some people in western culture have said that you must
suppress anger at all costs. You can control it; therefore you must
control it. Living in silent submission changes nothing, and such
people may progress to chronic bitternessor occasionally even
to a sudden outburst.
Catharsis. Likewise, others have said that it is unhealthy for you
to control your anger, so you should not be expected to control it.
In fact, if you do control it, you may become physically ill or
emotionally disturbed. If you just express your anger and get it
out of your system, you will feel relieved and all will be OK.
Phineas (Joshua 22:13-20) is a good example of this approach.
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He was ready to go to war with the other tribes (reminiscent of his

action in Numbers 25), and he launched into a How could you,
how could you tirade. Unfortunately, research shows that
expressing your anger may become a habit. Your relief is shortlived, and you become more likely to respond with rage in the
future.
Both. What is needed is neither complete suppression nor
unbridled expression, but a controlled expression. Rather than the
result being bitterness or rage, anger can result in appropriate
confrontation. A good example of this is found in the answer to
Phineas (Joshua 22:21-29) as shown in the next section.
What are some guidelines for expressing anger?

Phineas had unjustly accused the people of building another
altar, displeasing God, and perhaps bringing destruction on everyone
(Joshua 22). We do not know the name or names of the persons who
answered him, but their principles can be expressed in a double
acrostic of the English vowels AEIOU.
A: Affirm the Almighty (v. 22). They began by declaring their
allegiance to God. This means that the goal of pleasing God is
one that both groups have in common.
E: Explain your Excogitating (a big word for thinking that starts
with an E) (vs. 23-29). They elaborate on their thinking to
explain their motivations and intentions. They seem to overdo it
and go through the explanation too many times, but often that is
necessary if the other party is also upset.
I: I messages (not you messages) on the Issue (vs. 23-29).
Their presentation is done in the first person with we, us, and
our (plural of I) occurring 21 times. They talked about their
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, rather than pointing their fingers
and saying, You. They also stuck to the issue of the
memorial, rather than accusing Phineas and his group of offending
God themselves by what they were doing.
O: Open to being the Offender (v. 23). They also remained open
to the possibility that they had done something wrong, If we
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have. Remember, you may be the one in the wrong, and you
may be the one who has to repent.
U: Unity before Unanimity (v. 30-31). They were not trying to
persuade Phineas and his group that their position was right, but
really to get back into fellowship with them. It worked. Everyone
was pleased, placated, and praised God.
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15
about Sleep
How can we change people who make us angry?

(with Marty Seitz)
You cant change anyone else, but you can change yourself.
The anger is yours, and only you can determine how you will react to
what other people do. Your anger can serve you, or it can destroy
you. Anger, like other emotions, involves your mind, your body, your
spirit, and your behavior.
Mind. Change how you perceive and interpret things. For
example, instead of blaming the other person, consider how you
have reacted inappropriately in similar situations in the past. For
example, instead of thinking how bad the other person is, think
about how his or her day may be going badly.
Body. Learn some relaxation and cooling-off techniques that will
calm your body down. For example, pause, take a few deep
breaths, and intentionally relax the muscles you feel tensing
throughout your body.
Spirit. Missionaries, like other Christians, would know that things
such as prayer, reading scripture, and meditation are spiritually
uplifting, helpful with anger.
Behavior. Learn new habits and skills to help you respond in an
anger-producing situation. For example, instead of raising your
voice, silently count to 10 (or 20, or whatever it takes). Instead of
sulking or pouting, get some exercise by taking a walk or jog.
Instead of arguing, engage in some enjoyable distraction (hobby,
game, etc.) for a while.
We do not know if Jonah ever resolved his anger, but we do
know that we do not have to leave our anger unresolved and become
bitter as he did.
Gods people from time to time have had difficulty sleeping.

Through no fault of his own, Job experienced great stress and said, I
have been allotted months of futility, and nights of misery have been
assigned to me. When I lie down I think, How long before I get up?
The night drags on, and I toss till dawn (Job 4:13-14).
Even great political leaders like King Darius agonized over
poor decisions that endangered his friends, and he found himself
unable to eat or sleep (Daniel 6:18).
However Scripture has promises for good sleep, such as
When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your
sleep will be sweet (Proverbs 3:24). Another promise is, I will lie
down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in
safety (Psalm 4:8).
After receiving a message from God, the prophet Jeremiah
awoke, looked around and said that his sleep had been pleasant to him
(Jeremiah 31:26). Our Lord himself slept during a furious storm,
much to the surprise of his disciples (Matthew 8:24).
Peter, early preacher and church leader, was sleeping between
two soldiers bound with two chains with two sentries standing guard
the night before he was to be brought to trial (Acts 12:6).
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Yet, Christian workers may have difficulty sleeping at times;

however, not all such difficulties are necessary. God may enable us
to sleep at peace even in the most difficult circumstances.
How do I know if I have a sleep disorder?
Although many kinds of sleep disorders exist, the primary
sleep disorders are those that involve problems in the amount, quality,
or timing of sleep. When people sleep either too much or too little,
the sleep they get does not leave them feeling rested. Or if they
cannot sleep when they want to but fall asleep when they want to stay
awake, they may have a sleep disorder.
With primary insomnia for at least a month people have
difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or not feeling rested after
sleep. They also feel distressed about not being able to sleep, or the
lack of sleep impairs their functioning. Some people have the
opposite problem, excessive sleepiness-- the problem of sleeping too
much or at the wrong times for at least a month.
In this brochure we are concentrating primarily on helping
people with insomnia so that they can get enough restful sleep during
the time they want to sleep. Such people often become increasingly
frustrated and distressed over their inability to sleep, and this makes
them less and less able to get good sleep. Lying in bed for hours
during sleepless nights, they find themselves falling asleep during
worship services, or while reading, watching television, attending
meetings, and even driving.
What can I do if I have a sleep disorder?
Ideally, to ensure that a change will not be detrimental to
existing medical conditions or treatments, one ought to consult a
medical professional before making any lifestyle change. If possible,
such a professional should examine medical causes or implications of
problems.
Remember that one crucial test of whether or not you have a
sleep problem is whether or not you fall asleep during the day. The
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normal eight hours of sleep is only an average and changes with

your age and circumstances. You may need nine hours, or you may
need only six hours. Also remember that waking up briefly or coming
close to waking up about every hour and a half is normal. You may
find the following suggestions helpful if you really have a disorder.
Keep a sleep log for two weeks. Record
When you go to bed
How long it takes you to fall asleep
How often you wake up and when
The amount of time to get back to sleep
Time you finally get up to stay
How you feel when you get up
How sleepy you are during the day
When you take any naps and for how long
Look for patterns in your sleep log.
Do you have trouble falling asleep initially?
Do you have trouble staying asleep?
Do you not feel rested and stay awake after a nights sleep?
Find a suggestion in the following that will help solve the
problem you discover in your log.
Establish a sleep routine. The most important part of that routine
is to get up at the same time each morning. The second most
important is to do things in the same order and at the same time
just before you go to bed each night.
Do not lie in bed more than 15-20 minutes trying to get to sleep.
Get up and do something boring and not physically taxing, such as
polishing your shoes or even just cutting strips of paper. Then go
to bed when you get drowsy. Repeat this as often as necessary.
Do not use the bed for anything except sleep and sex. Do not
read, watch TV, have devotions, etc. If you want to read, do so in
a chair next to the bed, and get into bed when you get drowsy.
You want your bed to be associated with sleep and rest, not with
wakefulness and activity.
Do not exercise vigorously within two hours of bedtime. Do
exercise vigorously at some time during the day.
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Reduce distractions or annoyances, such as the nightly hassles of
noises, light, etc. For example, if noises disturb you, wear
earplugs; use a white noise generator (TV with screen covered and
on a non-channel will do); or play tapes or CDs of environmental
sounds such as waves, wind in the pines, etc.
Avoid caffeine intake for the five hours before going to sleep.
Avoid drinking much liquid within two hours of bedtime.
Have a light snack of foods rich in L-tryptophan, such as a glass
of milk or a turkey, peanut butter, or tuna sandwich.
Do not do serious thinking at the end of the day just before you
go to bed. Do it earlier so that you can relax before bedtime.
If you are anxious at bedtime, consider journaling to get those
anxious thoughts out of your head and onto paper.
Plan for the next day if you are anxious about things coming up,
as long as you do not become mentally stimulated.
Sleep in comfortable conditions. Temperature is very important,
and most people sleep best when the temperature is about 64-66
degrees, but you may be differentand being too warm is worse
than being too cool. If spouses like different temperatures, get a
dual control electric blanket or cut your blankets in half and sew
them together with one light side and one heavy side. If all else
fails, sleep in separate beds near each other.
Get a good pillow, one that is comfortable for you, whether it is
made of feathers, foam, or barley husks.
Get a wool or fleece mattress pad which aids sleep for many.
Pray at night to turn everything over to God. Ask him for sleep.
Ask other people to pray for your sleep problem.
Make confession a part of your nightly prayers if you keep
thinking about your shortcomings. Pray for protection during the
night if you have fears about that.
Attend a healing service.
Take a warm (not hot) bath 10-15 minutes before going to bed.
Herbal supplements such as Valerian (root), Kava Kava, or
herbal teas may help.
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Over-the-counter antihistamines such as Benadryl may help,

though Benadryl may have a hangover effect.
Remember that weird dreams are normal. Most people have
dreams that just do not make any sense, and they wonder where
the dreams came from.
If nightmares are a problem, write them down and add a happy,
redemptive, resolving ending. Ask Christ to come into that dream
and deal with it.
Get a massage to relax if you have a partner who does it well and
if it does not always lead to sex. Massaging your own scalp may
be relaxing.
Use relaxation techniques of stretching, breathing, and imagining
one of your favorite places as described in our anxiety brochure.
Check your medications to see if they have side effects that
interfere with sleep. Your physician or pharmacist can give you
that information, or you may have noticed that your sleep problem
started when you began a new medication.
Paint your bedroom a soothing pastel such as dusty rose or
powder blue since bright colors tend to agitate.
Use your imagination to create relaxing scenes.
Read books about getting a good sleep such as 67 Ways to Good
Sleep written by Charles Inlander and Cynthia Moran.
Find information about sleep disorders on the Internet at sites
such as the one maintained by the National Library of Medicine at
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/sleepdisorders.html or the one
maintained by the National Sleep Foundation at
http://www.sleepfoundation.org/. These web sites have numerous
links to reliable information about sleep disorders. (Remember
that the domains .gov and .edu tend to be the most reliable.)
If you want to listen to music, use soothing instrumental music
rather than vocal music.
Turn your clock around so that you cannot see the time during the
night if you are a clock watcher.
Avoid naps unless they are helpful. See if you can go for a week
without napping. If you are sleeping better, stop napping
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permanently. If not, resume naps, but keep them to 20 minutes or

less.
Find a comfortable position in which to sleep. Many people find
lying on their side with a pillow between their knees keeps their
body in best alignment.
Limit prescription sleeping pills. They can be helpful in times of
particuilar difficulty, but regular use may be addictive and
actually increase your sleep problems.
Be sure you get enough vitamin B, calcium, magnesium, iron and
copper.
Avoid cheeses, yogurt, sour cream, processed meat, eggplant,
potatoes, spinach, and tomatoes before sleep. They contain
tyrosine, which can interfere with sleep.
Avoid spicy, sugary, and/or high protein (except for those rich in
L-tryptophan) foods several hours before bedtime.
Do not use the bedroom as a study or battleground where you
have emotionally or intellectually stimulating discussions.
Decorate the bedroom with images associated with sleep or
relaxation, such a sunset over the ocean, a cabin in the woods, a
stream, or a sunny beach.
If your problem is a snoring person nearby, try sewing a tennis
ball on the back of his or her nightshirt making lying on the back
impossible. People tend to snore less if they sleep on their sides.
You may not be able to do all of these things, and none of
them work for everyone. However, all of them have helped some
people, and one or more of them may be just what you need to get a
good nights sleep.
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16
about Loneliness
Lately you have been feeling invisible. It seems like

everyone else has friends, but you are just in the crowdnot of
the crowd. You feel empty, disconnected, and alienated from those
around yousocially inadequate, socially unskilled. You are anxious
and sad but feel like no one else knows how miserable and isolated
you are. You feel empty and hollow, like you are separated from the
rest of the world.
People around you are friendly and greet you with a smile.
However, you find it difficult, seemingly impossible, to have any
really meaningful interaction with others. You would like to meet
new people and make deep friendships, but you just cant bring
yourself to take part in social activities to make friends.
Feeling unloved and unwanted, you are lonely. But how could
you be lonely when there are people all around you? Isnt God
always with you so that you will not be lonely? Can cross-cultural
workers be lonely? What can you do?
How can I be lonely?
You are certainly not alone if you live in a city of millions of
people. However, loneliness has nothing to do with being alone; it
has to do with relationships. If you live in a village of a hundred
people, you are much less likely to be lonely than if you live in a city
of a million people. You are likely to know the names of everyone
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you meet in that village, but you may never meet anyone you know in
that city.
Many people choose to be alone, to experience solitude, and
they find it a positive, pleasurable, enriching time. Loneliness is
essentially unwilling solitude, wanting to be in relationship with
others but not experiencing it. Forced solitude, solitary
confinement, is one of the most terrible punishments used on people
in prison.
You may be relatively new to the culture in which you live so
that you find it difficult to have meaningful relationships with the
nationals. You have not yet internalized enough of the culture to feel
at ease with close relationships in it. Or you may have been in that
culture for many years, even the leader of your group, and still be
lonely. Being the leader changes your relationships with everyone in
the group and it is lonely at the top.
Can Gods people be lonely?
You may think, Isnt God with me everywhere? Im part of
the family of God so how can I be lonely? God is with you
everywhere, but you need human relationships as well. You are part
Gods family, but you may still not have the deep friendships you
desire with other members of his family. You can still be lonely.
Here are some examples.
Adam. Even before sin entered humanity, God noted that it was
not good for Adam to be alone, so God created Eve as a
companion with whom Adam could be in relationship (Genesis 2).
David. In the Psalms David said, My friends and companions
avoid memy neighbors stay far away (31:11), and look to my
right and see; no one is concerned for me (142:4).
Elijah. While deeply discouraged just after a great spiritual
victory, Elijah said, I am the only one left, and now they are
trying to kill me too (1 Kings 19:10, 14).
Jesus said, You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for
my Father is with me (John 16:32). Only hours later even the
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Father was gone, and Jesus said, My God, my God, why have
you forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46).
Do other cross-cultural workers feel this way?
Everyone feels lonely at times, and cross-cultural workers are
no exception. Living in a strange culture away from family and
friends, most people feel lonely.
Near the end of his second letter to Timothy, Paul (a veteran
cross-cultural worker) wrote about several things that made him feel
lonely.
Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me (2 Timothy
4:10).
Crescens has gone to Galatia (2 Timothy 4:10).
Titus (has gone) to Dalmatia (2 Timothy 4:10).
At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone
deserted me (2 Timothy 4:16).
Do your best to get here before winter (2 Timothy 4:21).
Paul was so lonely that he even asked Timothy to bring Mark,
a man who had deserted Paul and Barnabas years before. Paul had
held this desertion against Mark many years and would not even let
Mark go with him on his second term of cross-cultural service.
Lonely now, Paul said:
Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in
my ministry (2 Timothy 4:11).
What causes loneliness?
Loneliness is common because it has so many causes. These
causes may be found in your situation or within you. Here are some
possible causes.
Your moving. Part of being a cross-cultural worker is moving
from one place to another, either reentering your passport culture
repeatedly or moving from one culture to another.
Friends moving. If you do not move, other people from your
agency are likely to. Expatriates are constantly on the move.
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Away from family and friends. Part of working cross-culturally is
living in a place far from acquaintances in your past.
Expectations not met. Perhaps you had heard how friendly people
were in your host culture, but you find them quite distant.
Rejected. You may not be accepted by the people you came to
serve and feel rejected even by people serving in your agency.
Discriminated against. You came to serve, but you find that
political or social forces in your host country discriminate against
you because of your passport country, your race, or your religion.
Surface relationships. 1. You long to share deeply with others,
but you are not able to find anyone in your agency or in your host
culture who wants to do so.
Surface relationships. 2. You do not want to become too close to
anyone because you know that either they or you will be moving
soon.
Lack of social skills. You do not understand how to interact well
in your host cultureor maybe your passport one.
Self-conscious or shy. Having low self-esteem or lack of selfconfidence. You find it difficult to get close to anyone in any
culture.
Anxiety, depression, feelings of worthlessness or social phobias.
Personal problems in adjustment prevent you from interacting
adequately with other expats or nationals.
Fear of rejection. You had some intimate friends, but they turned
on you so that you now fear it will happen again.
The city feels so unfriendly. You grew up in a farming
community or small town, and the large city in which you serve
has no similar sense of community.
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time, effort, and commitment. You may need the help of a counselor
to begin to take those steps.
Basically what you want to do is to find the cause (perhaps
from the ones listed above) and then do things to counteract that
cause. You may have to make changes in your situation or changes in
yourself. Do not wait for your feelings of loneliness to go awayact
first, and the change in feelings will come later. Here are some
suggestions.
Look for ways to get involved with people around you, such as
eating with them, sitting near them, exercising with them.
Put yourself in situations where you will meet new people, such as
joining a club, attending a new church and doing volunteer work
with others.
Develop your social skills, practice getting to know others, and
become vulnerable enough to let people know you.
Do not assume new relationships will be the same as old ones.
Look at each new person from a new perspective.
Respond to others and their interests, but do not pretend to be
interested in something you are not. People will sense that
Go do things you like to do even if you have to go alone.
Attending a concert or film, even taking a walk you may meet
someone with similar interests.
Being a friend or helping someone may result in a deeper
relationship.
Take a class in an area of interest. You may meet someone with
similar interests.
Ask people about themselves because people usually want to
share with someone who is interested in them.
What can I do to get over loneliness?
A word of caution!
The good news about loneliness is that you CAN take steps
yourself to get over it. It is the only disorder that can be cured by
adding two or more cases together! However, the more lonely you
feel, the harder it is to take the steps needed, so remember that it takes
Modern communication technology, such as e-mail, instant

messaging, webcams, VoIP, and low international phone rates has
resulted in some people becoming so interested in maintaining old
relationships that they fail to build new ones.
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These distant relationships may make us think that we do not

need intimate face-to-face relationships. This is not the case. Even
though you may be able to hear and even see the person, it is not the
same as interacting with a real person.
Trying to maintain such a relationship is often not satisfying
and may result in not developing adequate relationships with others.
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Part 3.
Challenges That May Become Problems
Some challenges become serious problems. Wanting to please

God, some of the most committed missionaries burn out and wind up
returning to their passport country never to return to the host country
again. The chapter about burnout may help prevent that. Anxiety and
depression are so common and may become so serious that I have
devoted two chapters to each of them, giving many ways that may
help decrease each.
Praying daily for the persecuted church in many parts of the
world makes us more aware that the world is very hostile to
Christians. Acts of terror get much publicity when they are dramatic,
but missionaries may face other traumatic situations, feeling very
much alone in a different culture. The chapter about trauma may help
missionaries debrief one another in order to prevent the long-lasting
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
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Whats going on?
17
about Suffering
As you think about some of your fellow missionaries, you

realize that many of them are suffering greatly.
One man has been in constant physical pain for years because of a
problem with his back.
A woman had a small fortune when she came to serve, but poor
financial decisions by friends back home have left her virtually
penniless.
One couple worries constantly about their wayward son who is
living as a street person back in their passport country.
Another couple receives many heart-rending e-mails from their
daughter living with a man to whom she is not married.
Yet another couple cannot forgive themselves because their
teenage daughter was molested by a national years ago.
After nearly two decades of service, a missionary family sees its
influence nearly wiped out when a cult comes in.
The list could go on and on. How could it be that faithful
missionaries could suffer so much physically, emotionally,
financially, and so forth? They have been faithful in their service. It
seems like God just does not care. Where is God anyway? God
rewards his children, doesnt he? Does he keep his promises?
The problem is that we have many Christian cultural beliefs

that are not true.
God builds a hedge of protection around his people so they will
not suffer.
If we live in Gods will, we wont suffer.
Suffering means we have sinned.
Suffering has no positive results.
We have no joy if we suffer.
If God really loves us, he will not let us suffer.
God punishes us with suffering.
Again this list could go on and on. A much longer list appears
in the comments of Jobs friends in chapters 4-37. Jobs comments
in those chapters showed that he did not understand what was going
on, but he was sure his friends did not know either. Let us look at
what Jesus himself told those who were following him.
What did Jesus say?
When his disciples asked Jesus what it would be like for His
people near the end of time, Jesus listed much suffering (Matthew 24,
John 15-16).
Famines
Earthquakes
Persecution
Death
Hatred by all nations
Betrayal by people who left the faith
Hatred by people who left the faith
Killings by people who believe they are serving God as they kill
Jesus went on to tell the disciples that he told them about these
things so that when they actually came they would remember that he
had warned them (John 16:4). We should not be surprised when we
suffer.
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More specifically, he told his twelve disciples what it would

be like when they went out to serve. He told them they would
experience the following (Matthew 10):
Be handed over to local councils
Be flogged in synagogues
Be arrested
Be betrayed by family members
Be killed
Be hated by everyone
experienced getting a sliver in their hand or foot. This frequently

happens during childhood, and children often want to leave the
splinter in rather than suffering as the parents remove it.
However, the parents know that if the splinter remains, it will
become infected and may turn into a serious problem. The parents
also know that the only way to get the splinter out is to dig it out.
Assuming that the parents do not take every splinter to a physician
where anesthesia is available, removing the splinter causes some
suffering as it is removed.
What happened to Paul?
Why would anyone rejoice in suffering?
We can read not only about Jesus warning but also about what
actually happened to Paul, an early cross-cultural worker. Paul
actually listed his sufferings in 2 Corinthians 11).
39 lashes from the Jews (5 times)
Beaten with rods (3 times)
Shipwrecked (3 times)
Imprisoned
Stoned
Hungry. thirsty, and cold
Labor, toil, and sleeplessness
In danger from rivers, bandits, false brothers, people from
passport country as well as nationals.
In danger in the city, in the country, and at sea.
Cross-cultural workers today experience similar suffering,
although they are more likely to be in airplane crashes than
shipwrecks.
The answer is in the know that phrase which is in italics in

the paragraph above. When you know that your suffering is the
way to develop particular traits, you can rejoice as you consider the
goal.
James wrote that we should consider it pure joy when we
face trials because we know that this leads to perseverance, which
then leads to maturity (James 1:2-4). It is not that we enjoy the
suffering, but we rejoice because we know that we are moving toward
maturity.
Romans 5:3-4 states, Not only so, but we also rejoice in our
sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope. Again, our joy comes
not from the suffering itself, but we rejoice because we know that we
are moving toward character and hope.
It also helps to know that we are not alone in our suffering.
Peter, a third culture kid, tells us to stand firm because you know that
your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of
sufferings (1 Peter 5:9). You are not alone, Christians all over the
world experience similar sufferings as they develop perseverance,
character, hope and maturity.
Do we have to suffer?
During his first term of cross-cultural service, to encourage
and strengthen people, Paul told them, We must suffer (Acts
14:22). Why would we have to suffer? Sometimes suffering is the
only way to reach a particular goal. For example, most people have
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Does suffering always lead to perseverance, character, hope and

maturity?
It can lead to these characteristics, but it does not always do
so. Suffering may result in people becoming either better or bitter,
depending on how they respond to it. The writer of Hebrews points
out that God, our heavenly father, disciplines (not punishes) us like
our earthly parents do (Hebrews 12). Just as people differ in their
response to their parents discipline when they are children, so do
people differ in their response to Gods discipline when they are
adults.
The writer of Hebrews encourages us to endure hardship as
discipline and notes that everyone experiences discipline. Our earthly
parents do what seems best to them, but our heavenly father does what
is best for us. God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in
his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.
Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace
(Hebrews 12:10-11).
Each of us chooses whether or not to accept Gods discipline
gracefully (Psalm 119:71) to develop perseverance, character, hope,
maturity, righteousness, and peace or to reject his discipline and
become bitter toward him and about life in general. We choose
whether to become better or to become bitter.
How do I respond while suffering?
Most of the information above is cognitive in nature, and it is
important for you to think on these things. Likewise, it is important
for you to watch what you say to yourself, your self-talk. Talking to
yourself about God takes your eyes off your problems and focuses
them on God. The Psalms have many good examples of such self-talk.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?... (Psalm 42:5)
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. (Psalm 62:5)
In addition, you must be honest about the emotions you feel.
Jesus was in Mark 14:33-34, Matthew, 26:38, and Luke 12:50).
deeply distressed and troubled
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overwhelmed with sorrow

Likewise, Paul was honest about his emotional reactions.
great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears (2
Corinthians 2:4)
anxiety (Philippians 2:28)
fear (2 Corinthians 7:5, 12:20)
King David, no stranger to suffering, wrote about these same
emotional responses in the Psalms.
Distress (Psalm 4:1, 18:6, 25:18, 31:9)
Anguish (Psalm 6:3, 25:17, 31:10, 38:8)
Fear and anxiety (Psalm 34:4, 56:3 94:19)
Of course, your most valuable resource when suffering is the
Bible which has much to say about it. Many of the Psalms are prayers
to be sung during times of suffering. Use your software or
concordance to find what the Bible has to say about such emotions
during times of suffering. Pray the Psalms that most closely match
your own suffering.
We are not to seek suffering either in
masochistic tendencies or as Christian martyrs. Neither of these is
a sign of Gods favor, just as suffering is a sign of Gods disfavor.
However, we can take comfort in knowing that God will use the
suffering he allows to make us more like him.
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18
about Burnout
You find it hard to get up and go to work in the morning.

Work used to be exciting and you used to look forward to what you
did with people, but now you are just tired and it takes a great deal of
effort to get out of bed. You wonder what is wrong. Could it be that
you are suffering from burnout? Could a really committed missionary
burn out? You may only be in your first term; certainly you couldnt
burn out in just a few years, could you? Wouldnt God keep you from
burning out? Is it better to burn out than to rust out? What about that
old gospel song that says, Let me burn out for thee, dear Lord?
Lets consider some of these questions.
How do I know if Im burning out?
Although feeling tired and not wanting to go to work may be a
part of burnout, there is more to burnout than that. Burnout happens
to those in the helping professions, such as doctors, nurses, social
workers, psychologists, pastors, and missionaries. Three major
symptoms of burnout are:
Emotional exhaustion
The exhaustion is more than physical it is emotional,
compassion fatigue. You feel drained. You feel used up. You feel
overwhelmed by the needs people come with. It is not that you dont
want to help, you just do not have what it takes to help any more.
Depersonalization
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To shield yourself, you begin to reduce your close involvement

with others. You begin not to notice the nationals who need help.
You ignore their requests. You begin to be discourteous to the very
people you came to serve. You tend to become tough, hard, and
cynical, putting nationals down. You view people as objects. You
used to view nationals through rose-colored glasses; now you wear
rust-colored glasses.
Reduced personal accomplishment
Whether or not you actually become ineffective, you feel
ineffective. You begin to sense you are becoming the kind of person
people do not like. You used to be sensitive and caring, but you
realize you are becoming cold and indifferent. You see that you are
not accomplishing what you felt God called you to do, and you
wonder if you still hear him.
Burnout is the result of continual stress over a long period of
time rather than great stress over a short one. Burnout does not
happen overnight, but it creeps up on you without your realizing it.
Other missionaries usually notice it long before you do, but if you
check yourself periodically, you can detect it. Burnout is not a
psychiatric disorder, but is a phenomenon that will greatly reduce
your effectiveness as a missionary in addition to what it does to you
and your family.
What causes burnout?
There are three major sources of burnout, and whether or not
burnout occurs depends on all three. Knowing these can alert you to
the causes, and help you evaluate whether you are at risk for burnout.
Social
You cant be a missionary without being involved with people,
and that is a source of burnout. The problem people require much
more of your attention than do the pleasant people. As a result you
begin to see even good people as problem people. You are supposed
to be polite, tactful and caring, so you feel like you cannot express the
disappointment and frustration that you feel down inside. You smile
and make some evasive remark rather than expressing your feelings.
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Rather than getting a thank you from someone you have helped,
you get suspicion. There are nationals you really like, but you
hesitate to get too close to them because you know that you will soon
be returning to your home country. It is easier not to establish a close
relationship than to create one, then have to break it in a few months.
System
Your job setting may be a source of burnout. Language school
was so frustrating. When you arrived on the field, that seemed even
more overwhelming. So many people to get to know, so much to do,
and so little time to do it. You were doing Gods work, and there was
such a need that there was no time for breaks or for vacations. Your
fellow missionaries had projects that they were trying to get funded,
and you knew that they were requesting funds from the same people.
Your field director was to be an encouragement, but he had so many
criticisms, and every compliment seemed to end with but. There
were the plans, policies and procedures. There was so much red tape
before you started a project, followed by progress reports as you were
doing it and more reports when you completed it.
Self
You may be a source of burnout yourself. If you lack selfconfidence or have low self-esteem, you are a candidate for burnout.
If you are unassertive, submissive, passive, anxious and blame
yourself for failure, you are a candidate. If your needs for
achievement, approval and affection are too high, you are a candidate.
If you are impatient, irritable, and do not know how to handle anger
and conflict, you are a candidate.
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A related question is, Can first-term missionaries burn out?

Again, the answer is that they are at greatest risk for burnout. The
time of greatest risk for burnout in any people-helping occupation is
the first five years on the job. That is exactly the time frame of the
first term and language school in most agencies. This new worker is
filled with idealism and high expectations. When reality begins to set
in, the first-term missionary begins to burn out.
What are the effects of burnout?
Many pay the price when missionaries burn out. It affects
everyone who comes into contact with them.
Personal: In addition to the emotional and physical exhaustion,
one may experience disturbed sleep, nightmares, illness,
depression and sometimes resort to drugs or alcohol.
Family and other missionaries: Missionaries burning out begin to
expect perfection from others. This leads to impatience,
bickering, and fighting at home and in the office. They are
available to meet the needs of nearly anyone, except their own
families and other missionaries.
Nationals: In addition to being rude, thoughtless and treating
others as objects, missionaries burning out may begin to miss
more days at work, move to educating others, ask to work with
work teams, or move to administration. All of this is to avoid
contact with nationals, but this motive may not be conscious.
Can burnout be treated?
Can a really committed missionary burn out?

Not only can committed missionaries burn out, but the more
committed they are, the more likely they are to burn out. If people
slip through the screening process with major motives of travel and
excitement, they can succeed at that quite readily. However, the more
ideal missionaries are, with hearts to win people to Christ, concern
for others, and high expectations, the more likely they are to burn out.
Yes, if caught in time. Missionaries who burn out to the point

that they actually leave the field are unlikely to return. Such people
recover from their burnout, but they typically move into some other
type of work. Therefore, it is important to detect burnout as soon as
possible and take steps to prevent it from becoming any worse. When
burnout is far along, you will likely know that you are burning out,
but you are not likely to notice it in the early stages. The best early
warning system is not yourself, but others who are willing to point out
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symptoms of burnout in you. Of course, you are their best early

detection system, so check up on each other regularly.
Can burnout be prevented?
Yes! You can do many things that will prevent burnout.
Following are some suggestions:
Set realistic goals. Set specific goals so that you will know when
you have achieved them. Of course, you want to save the world,
but you are not going to do it alone.
Dont get in a rut. Vary the way you do things so that they do not
become routine.
Take breaks. This includes different kinds of breaks: (1) Coffee
breaksmorning and afternoon. (2) Lunchdont catch up on
work during that time; leave the office. (3) One day a weekyou
were made to take a Sabbath; leave town if you have to. (4)
Vacationsyou cant go all year, year after year.
Dont take things personally. You are not responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
Leave your work at work. When you come home to your family,
enjoy them.
Learn to laugh at yourself. You are not indispensable, and you do
some pretty funny things.
Have a support group. You need someone to encourage you and
serve as a yardstick against which you can measure yourself
realistically.
Live a life of your own. Have some hobby or activity that you
just enjoy doing regularly.
Change jobs. If all else fails, ask for a different assignment in
your mission.
All of these things are easier said than done, but they can be
done. Jesus modeled this for us in a well-known cross-cultural
incident in John 4. He was tired from his trip, so he sat down by the
well and sent his friends shopping for a lunch. He asked someone for
a drink because he was thirsty, and then he struck up a conversation
with her. If Jesus can sit down to rest, have a cool drink, and chat
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with someone passing by, we certainly can do so ourselves. The

alternative is misery for yourself and those you live and work with,
often followed by leaving your work.
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19
about Anxiety
You have been worrying more than usual lately. You used to
worry only about such things as the unstable political situation or the
safety of your children, but lately you seem to be anxious about
everything. You even worry about such things as car repairs and
having enough money for retirement. Sometimes your hands get cold
and clammy, and you are beginning to have trouble sleeping. You
begin to wonder such things as these: Is my anxiety serious? Can I
have anxiety if I am really committed to Christ? What causes
anxiety? Will I ever get over it? What can I do to prevent and get rid
of it? Lets consider some of these questions.
How serious is my anxiety?
Everyone has some anxiety. For some it is anticipating
speaking to a crowd. For others it is when meeting new people. For
still others it is about being in a different culture. Usually this
uneasiness is rather mild and does not last long. However, if it does
not go away and becomes intense, you may have an anxiety disorder.
To have a generalized anxiety disorder you must have the following:
Excessive worry about many things more days than not for at least
six months.
Difficulty controlling the worrying
At least three of the following:
Feeling keyed up or on edge
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Easily fatigued
Difficulty concentrating
Irritability
Muscle tension
Sleep disturbances
These symptoms must be bad enough to distress you or impair
your daily functioning and not be caused by drugs, hormonal
imbalance, or other physical factors. However, even if you do not
meet these criteria for an anxiety disorder, the material in this
brochure may still help you and make your life more pleasant and
make you more effective at work and in your relationships with
others.
Can committed missionaries have anxiety?

The first missionary, Paul, certainly did: When I could stand
it no longer, I sent to find out about your faith. I was afraid that in
some way the tempter might have tempted you and our efforts might
have been useless (1 Thessalonians 5:5 NIV). Paul had only been
able to teach the scriptures for three weeks (Acts 17:2-3) before he
was driven out of town, and he was concerned that the church would
not last. The word for stand it no longer means to cover, or
conceal (like a roof). Paul is saying that when he could conceal it no
longer, he sent Timothy back to find out how they were doing (1
Thessalonians 5:1-2).
Paul had the same feelings about the Philippian church, the
one he had started just before the church in Thessalonica. Paul wrote,
I think it necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus .so that when
you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety
(Philippians 2:25-28 NIV).
This was a general feeling for Paul as a missionary. After a
long list of stressful events, he wrote, Besides everything else, I face
daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches (2 Corinthians
11:28 NIV).
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What does the Bible say about anxiety?

Although the Bible has much to say about anxiety, the King
James Version never uses the words worry or anxiety, so use a
modern translation. Solomon wrote, An anxious heart weighs a man
down, but a kind word cheers him up (Proverbs 12.25). Jesus also
warned us that in the last days we must Be careful, or your heart will
be weighed down withthe anxieties of life (Luke 21:34). Anxiety
often results in depression, and both of these are most unpleasant
emotions that distress us.
Not only is anxiety unpleasant, but it also has negative
consequences in our lives. In explaining the parable of the sower
Jesus pointed out, The worries of this life and the deceitfulness of
wealth choke it (the word), making it unfruitful (Matthew 13:22).
Wealth may not be a problem in the lives of missionaries, but the
worries of life may well make them unfruitful. We will consider
other things the Bible says about anxiety later.
Will I ever get over anxiety?
Some people report feeling anxious all their lives, others just
for several months or years. Stress often makes anxiety worse. You
can control the level of your anxiety, but you must remember that
some anxiety is a normal part of life, and you have to deal with it as it
arises, perhaps on a daily basis.
What causes anxiety?
The list of things that can cause anxiety is nearly endless.
Sometimes the cause is rather specific, such as the fear of a specific
illness like malaria. Other times you may feel anxious and have no
idea why. Here are some common causes among missionaries.
1. MK education
2. Health concerns
3. Political instability and terrorism
4. Transitions and separations
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5. Poor communication from headquarters

6. Not knowing what is culturally appropriate
7. Anything seen as out of your control
8. Unpredictability, not knowing what is going to happen
9. Lack of information about friends in sending country
10. Etc. etc.
What can I do about anxiety?
The most important thing is to do something; do not just wait
for it to go away. Notice that Paul did something about his concern
for the Thessalonians. He sent Timothy to strengthen and encourage
them. After that he wrote them letters. He did the same thing with
the Philippians. When you pinpoint the cause of your anxiety, do
something about it. For the causes mentioned above, you might do
the following.
1. Ask to serve on the school board
2. Carefully wash and cook food and avoid mosquitoes
3. Use routes that avoid dangerous spots
4. Get closure on one part of your life and fully enter the next phase
5. Contact headquarters and ask
6. Plead ignorance and ask what to do
7. Look for what is under your control even when nothing seems to
be
8. Learn about whatever is unpredictable. That makes it more
predictable
9. Contact friends in sending country
10. Etc. etc.
All of the above will decrease your anxiety, but probably not
completely erase it. The Bible tells us to take the remaining anxieties
to God. Paul, who sent Epaphroditus to see the Philippians to reduce
his anxiety, also told them, Do not be anxious about anything, but in
everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your
requests to God (Philippians 4:6 NIV). Then Gods peace could
come into their thoughts and feelings.
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Peter also acknowledged that we will have anxiety, and told us,
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:6).
The writer of Ecclesiastes said, So then, banish anxiety from your
heart (Ecclesiastes 11:10).
Sometimes, however, even after putting our worries on God the
physiological responses that are a part of anxiety still occur. Learning
relaxation techniques such as the following can decrease these
responses.
Deep, relaxed breathing
Tensing and relaxing muscles
Shrugging and rotating your shoulders
Who can I see for help?
If self-help does not work, the kind of treatment you receive
depends on whom you see for help.
Pastor. Missionaries, like other Christians, often think their
feelings of anxiety and worry have a spiritual basis, indicating a
lack of faith. Such feelings may, and a spiritual check-up with
your pastor is a good place to begin. If this works, fine. But if it
does not, then it is good to see a mental health professional.
Psychologist/Counselor. Anxiety may be caused by your way of
thinking about things. A psychologist or other counselor may be
able help you change your way of thinking, and such cognitive
therapy may be an effective treatment for anxiety.
Psychiatrist. Drugs, hormonal imbalance or other physical factors
can cause anxiety. A psychiatrist is in the best position to
evaluate such symptoms. A psychiatrist may also prescribe a
minor tranquilizer to reduce intense anxiety temporarily so that
you can learn to deal with it effectively.
Can I prevent anxiety?
You can decrease anxiety by trying to take measures to
prevent problems, but such actions seldom completely prevent
anxiety. Let us look at the example of Paul and the Thessalonians.
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He noted that he had tried to prepare them for the problems he knew
were coming, In fact, when we were with you we kept telling you
that we would be persecuted. And it turned out that way, as you well
know (3:4). Thus Paul tried to anticipate problems, and he took
steps to prevent the church from falling away. However, he still was
not sure, and he sent Timothy to find out how they were doing. Even
after Timothys encouragement and glowing report, Paul still said,
Night and day we pray earnestly that we may see you again and
supply what is lacking in your faith (3:10). He seemed still to have
some anxiety about their faith, but it was no longer at the point where
he could not stand it.
You can use your anxiety as a motivation to do something
about the problem, which will often lower your anxiety. This will be
less distressing and make you more fruitful.
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After all that Jesus said about not worrying in Luke 12 and all
that Paul wrote to the Philippians about not being anxious (4:6), one
would think that Christian workers certainly would not suffer from
anxiety. However, such is not the case as evidenced by Paul himself.
Paul wrote, When I could stand it no longer, I sent to find out
about your faith. I was afraid that in some way the tempter might
have tempted you and our efforts might have been useless (1
Thessalonians 3:5 NIV). He sent Timothy back to find out how they
were doing.
Paul also wrote, I think it necessary to send back to you
Epaphroditus so that when you see him again you may be glad and
I may have less anxiety (Philippians 2:25-28 NIV).
After a long list of stressful events, he also wrote, Besides
everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the
churches (2 Corinthians 11:28 NIV). Paul clearly had some
concerns, fears, and anxieties, so Christians may experience
these emotions, but we are not to continue in worry. We can do
something to alleviate these emotions.
a persons life. The person may find no obvious cause and neither
may friends or family. These anxiety disorders can take a variety of
forms.
If you have worried about things excessively during most days
over the past six months and those worries keep you from
focusing on what you are doing because you are on edge, tense,
irritable, unable to concentrate, and have problems sleeping, you
may have generalized anxiety disorder.
If more than once you have had spells when for no reason you
suddenly felt extremely anxious, frightened, uncomfortable, or
uneasy even in situations when most people would not feel that
way and you had a continuing fear that another attack would
occur, you may have a panic disorder.
If during the last month you have had a fear of something that
most people would not find frightening to the extent that you
avoid those things and it disrupts your normal functioning or is
distressing to you, you may have a phobic disorder.
During the past month if you have been bothered by repeated
thoughts or impulses that were unwanted, distasteful, or
distressing and you could not get rid of them but had to carry them
out, you may have an obsessive-compulsive disorder.
If you have witnessed or experienced a traumatic event that
included or threatened death or serious injury and you have reexperienced the event in a distressing way so that you avoid things
that remind you of it and your reactions interfere with your normal
activities, you may have a stress disorder.
Although it will not give a professional diagnosis of the
anxiety disorders, questionnaires at the following web site will help
you determine if you may need to see a mental health professional:
www.mentalhealth.com/fr71.html.
How do I know if I have an anxiety disorder?
What can I do if I have an anxiety disorder?
Although some fear and anxiety are a normal part of life and
Christians are given ways to respond to them (Philippians 4:6),
sometimes fears and anxieties become overwhelming, interfering with
To ensure that a change will not be detrimental to existing medical

conditions or treatments, Ideally one ought to consult a medical
professional before making any significant lifestyle change.
20
..about Coping with Anxiety
(with Marty Seitz)
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A good first step is to get a medical checkup if you have not had
one recently. Sometimes physical problems or prescriptions you
are taking may mimic the effects of an anxiety disorder, and
treating that medical problem or changing the prescription may
reduce the anxiety. Also, you may have a specific ailment that a
medical approach might help.
Be careful what you are saying to yourself. Monitor what you
are thinking about because those thoughts may be creating the
anxiety. Paul told us to think about things that are true, noble,
right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy
(Philippians 4:8). If you are thinking about other kinds of things
without developing strategies to solve the problems causing the
worries, tell yourself, Stop! and change your thinking to the
calm, hopeful, and optimistic things Paul described.
Do some relaxation exercises to help reduce the anxiety. Any or
all of the following may help:
Stretching. While sitting as relaxed as you can, curl your

toes to tense those muscles in your feet and relax them. Then
raise your toes against the tops of your shoes to tense those
muscles in your feet and relax them. Then move up to your
ankles and do the same thing. Then to the knees and so on up
through your whole body, learning to tense and relax every
muscle group.
Breathing. Deep breathing using your abdomen (rather than
your chest) helps you relax. To make sure you are belly
breathing lie on your back and place a book on your belly.
Slowly inhale through your nose for about five seconds
gradually filling your abdomen, and the book should rise.
Then slowly exhale through nose and mouth for about five
seconds, and the book should fall. Once you have learned
how to do it, you can do it sitting, standing, or lying down any
time to relax.
Imagine one of your favorite places (remember Pauls
advice to the Philippians) and perhaps think about being there
alone or with your favorite companions. While there,
imagine doing one of your favorite activities or enjoying one
of your favorite things, including all of the sights, sounds,

smells, and other sensations.
Do some soothing, calming, relaxing activities, such as the
following:
Listen to some of your favorite calming music.
Smell some soothing fragrances, such as burning a vanilla or
lavender candle, assuming you are not allergic.
Listen to running water, wind in the pines, or waves lapping
the shore. These are available on tapes, CDs, or on sound
generating machines.
Pray specifically about the situations causing your anxiety.
Ask others to pray about those difficult situations for you and
with you.
If you wish to try herbal supplements, Kava Kava may help
reduce anxiety, and Valerian (root) may help induce sleep if your
anxiety is interfering with sleep.
If some problem is causing you to worry, take steps to solve the
problem.
Think of the best thing that could happen and what would
cause that outcome. Come up with Plan A to work toward
that outcome.
Think of the worst thing that could happen and what would
cause that outcome. Come up with Plan B to cope with that
outcome.
If your difficulty is in social relationships in which you need to
confront someone about a problem, note how God confronted the
churches in Chapters 2 and 3 of Revelation, telling the truth in
love.
First, he affirmed them, said something positive about each of
them. (Your good deeds, your faith, your perseverance, etc.)
Second, he confronted them about the problem. (Yet, I hold
this against you Nevertheless, I have a few things against
you.)
Third, he specified the consequences. (If you do not repent, I
will Repent, therefore! Otherwise I will )
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127

Fourth, he reaffirmed them. (To him who overcomes, I will
give )
Make a plan deciding how you will word your affirmation,
your confrontation, the consequences, and your reaffirmation
of the other person.
If a specific object or situation produces anxiety in you, take
steps to gradually reduce that anxiety by facing it.
First, make a list of the things that arouse the most to the least
fear. For example, if you are afraid of dogs, think of the most
feared situation with a dog, then the next most feared situation
with a dog, and so forth down to one that would cause no fear.
Second, practice the relaxation exercises described earlier so
that you can relax whenever you want to.
Third, imagine the least feared thing. If you have any
anxiety, practice relaxing until you can think about it and still
be relaxed. Keep doing this with things that are a little more
frightening each time (over the days ahead) until you can think
of even the most frightening without becoming overly
anxious.
Even better than imagining them is to actually encounter
them in real life if that is possible. Practice getting closer and
closer to the feared object or situation. For example, keep
playing with a little puppy until you are not anxious. Then do
the same thing with larger and larger gentle dogs until the fear
is gone.
If you cannot seem to stop thinking about something, try the
following steps
Recognize that it may be a disorder.
Relabel the problem as due to an obsessive-compulsive
disorder.
Refocus on something other than the obsession.
If you feel compelled to repeat some act, gradually delay
carrying out the action for longer and longer periods of time.
For example, if you feel compelled to wash your hands because of
your fear of the germs on them, first delay washing them one
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minute, then delay washing them two minutes, then five minutes,
etc. Using relaxation to deal with anxiety, gradually lengthen the
time until you no longer feel you have to do it.
If you keep re-experiencing a traumatic event, try actually writing
down a complete description of everything that happened, just as
if you were giving a testimony in court. Write down not only what
happened objectively but also write every thought, feeling, and
image you have of that time. Then reread it often (several times a
day if possible), imagining everything that happened each time.
Invite Christ into that image, especially at the point in which the
scene is the worst, at the point of your greatest need or weakness.
This will not necessarily erase the scene, but it often takes the
emotional sting out of it.
Read some good books on the subject of anxiety such as The
Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmond J. Bourne, Brain Lock:
Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior by Jeffrey
Schwartz, Dont Panic: Taking Control of Anxiety Attacks by
Reid Wilson, or I Cant Get over It: A Handbook for Trauma
Survivors by Aphrodite Matsakis.
Find information about anxiety on the Internet at sites such as the
one maintained by the National Library of Medicine at
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/anxiety.html or
http://mentalhelp.net/disorders/. These web sites have numerous
links to reliable information about anxiety. (Remember that the
domains .gov and .edu tend to be the most reliable.)
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21
about Depression
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Decreased ability to think or decide

Thoughts of death or suicide

your daily functioning and not be caused by drugs, hormonal
imbalance, or other physical problems. If you do not have at least
five of these symptoms (including one of the first two), then you do
not meet the definition of clinical depression. Even if you are not
clinically depressed, suggestions in this brochure may be of benefit to
you.
Can Gods people be depressed?
It occurs to you that you have been feeling really sad, tired,
discouraged about the future, unable to concentrate for some time,
and you begin to wonder what is wrong. You just wish you could feel
happy and enjoy life again. Certainly committed Christian
missionaries could not be depressed, could they? Wouldnt God keep
them from that? Should you pray? See someone for counsel? See
your physician? Will you get better? How long will you feel like
this? Lets consider some of these questions.
How do I know if Im depressed?
The definition of depression changes slightly from time to
time, but currently a person must have at least one of the following
symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for two or more weeks to
be considered clinically depressed:
Feel sad, depressed, or empty
Lose interest or pleasure in almost all activities
In addition, the person must have more than three or four of the
following nearly every day for the same two or more weeks:
Great increase or decrease in appetite
Sleeping much more or less
Agitation or sluggishness
Fatigue or loss of energy
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Depression is the common cold of psychological disorders.

About 20 of every 100 women and about 10 of every 100 men
experience clinical depression at some time in their lives. Christians
sometimes deny that they feel depressed, but many do, as did Gods
choice people thousands of years ago. Of course, there is no way we
can go back and ask people in the Bible whether or not they have five
or more of these symptoms, but lets look at some things they said
about themselves.
David, king: How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and
every day have sorrow in my heart?.My life is consumed by
anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of
my affliction (Psalm 13:2; 31:10 NIV).
Job, layman: Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came
from the womb?.I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest,
but only turmoil (Job 3:11, 26 NIV).
Elijah, prophet: I have had enough, Lord. Take my life; I am no
better than my ancestors (1 Kings 19:4 NIV).
Jonah, missionary: O, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for
me to die than to live (Jonah 4:3 NIV).
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Can committed missionaries today be depressed?

Maybe heroes and heroines of the faith in Bible times became
depressed, but what about some of our great missionary founders. Let
us look at what they said:
A. B. Simpson, founder of the Christian and Missionary Alliance:
I fell into the slough of despond so deep thatwork was
impossibleI wandered about deeply depressed. All things in
life looked dark and withered.
Adoniram Judson, missionary to Burma: God is to me the Great
Unknown. I believe in him, but I find him not."
Mary Morrison, wife of Robert Morrison (China), who wrote,
My poor afflicted MaryShe walks in darkness and has no
light.
David Brainerd, missionary to native Americans: I live in the
most lonely melancholy desert.My soul was weary of life. I
longed for death, beyond measure.
What Causes Depression?
Many different things may cause depression. Here are just a few:
Loss, disappointment, failure, grief
Unfulfilled expectations, concern about the future
Negative thinking, success seen as failure
Medicine side effects, illness, imbalance of hormones or
neurotransmitters
Lack of social support, conflict
Guilt, unforgiven sin
Too little light, too much heat
Will I ever get over depression?
The good news is that although depressed people often feel so
bad that it seems hopeless, most people recover from their
depressions in a few months to a year or more without professional
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help. Depressions come, and, usually within months, they go. The
bad news is that when people become depressed, the condition may
interfere with their work and relationships. Some become so hopeless
that they may try to take their own lives before they start to improve.
Some types of depression do not get better without treatment; in fact,
they can get worse. Other bad news is that about half the people who
have depression once have it again.
What can I do about Depression?
Many people begin by trying to treat it themselves. Here are
some things you might do:
If you have not been doing all the things listed below as
preventives, do them
Replace negative with positive thoughts
Keep a journal of what you think and feel
Give yourself affirmations
Listen to relaxing music
Get more light or less heat
Change your normal routine
Set realistic goals and record reaching them weekly
Also, recent evidence shows that St. Johns Wort, a common plant
worldwide, may help relieve mild to moderate depression; it is widely
used in Europe. Although it may not grow near you, it is widely
available without prescription in pharmacies and wherever over-thecounter medications are sold. People who are seriously depressed
and considering suicide should not attempt self-treatment, but seek
professional help immediately.
Who can I see for help?
If self-help does not work, the kind of treatment you receive depends
on who you see for help.
Pastor. Missionaries, like other Christians, often think their
feelings of sadness, guilt, and worthlessness have a spiritual basis.
Didnt Jesus come that we might have joy, forgiveness, and life as
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children of God? Of course he did, and a talk with your pastor for
a spiritual check-up is a good place to begin. If this spiritual
treatment works, fine. But if it does not, then it is good to see a
mental health professional.
Psychiatrist. Depression may have as its cause a chemical
imbalance, and psychiatrists tend to emphasize chemical
treatment. If your depression is caused by your blood pressure
medication, for example, that may need to be changed. If you
have an imbalance in the serotonin in your brain, an
antidepressant, such as Prozac or Zoloft, may help.
Psychologist/Counselor. Depression may be caused by your way
of thinking about things. Cognitive therapy, which helps you
change the way you think about things, is widely used by
psychologists and other counselors, and it may help your
depression.
We have come to expect instant fixes for any problems we
have, and you must be aware that none of these professionals can
bring about a cure in a few days. All of these usually take several
weeks, but they do often shorten the depression. In addition, your
depression may have several causes, so that you need several different
kinds of treatment at the same time. You can pray long, but if your
depression is a result of your way of thinking or a side effect of a
medication you are taking, God may answer your prayer through
counseling and/or appropriate medication
Can I prevent depression?
There is no sure way to prevent any disorder. People inherit
tendencies toward certain disorders, and if depression runs in your
family, you are a more likely candidate. However, there are steps you
can take that make depression less likely. The most helpful thing you
can do is greatly to reduce stress!! Of course, telling missionaries to
avoid stress is like telling them to quit; but fortunately, factors that
increase happiness also tend to reduce stress.
Happy people tend to have:
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High self-esteem. Remember that you are created in Gods

image.
Optimism. Change your thinking to see the good in every
situation.
Close friendships (or a satisfying marriage). You are part of the
body of Christ
Meaningful faith and work. You are a part of Gods plan for the
redemption of the world.
Adequate sleep and exercise. Although this seems unrelated, not
taking care of yourself physically leads to depression.
Enjoyable activities. Regularly do fun things.
Although depression is common, you can take steps to prevent it
and recover from it. You can find joy and hope.
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22
about Coping with Depression
(with Marty Seitz)
Christians are not immune to emotional disorders, such as

depression. Although a clinical term that is not used in the Bible,
depression appears to have been relatively common among early
leaders of Gods people.
Early church musicians who wrote Psalms 69, 88, and 102
expressed the despair of depression in the context of hope. Moses, a
leader of Gods people and well-known author, asked God to put him
to death because he could not carry the burden of the people God had
asked him to lead (Numbers 11). Jonah, a successful early crosscultural missionary, also asked God to take his life when his anger
resulted in a wish for death (Jonah 4). Elijah, a leader with the gift of
prophecy, fell into the depths of depression. He prayed to die
immediately after intense spiritual warfare and a great victory over
the forces of evil (1 Kings 19). Therefore, even those actively
involved in ministry can become depressed.
Depression and its causes
Although depressed Christians may have many different
symptoms, the core of depression always includes depressed moods
(sadness, emptiness, tearfulness) or loss of interest or pleasure in most
activities. In addition, it may include changes in weight, sleep,
energy, emotions, and thoughts. It has many causes, including:
Genetic and biologicaldepression runs in families
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Medicalthe side effects of some medical conditions and some

medications may include depression
Background and family causeschildhood experiences can lead
to later depression
Stress or significant loss or changes, such as separation, birth of a
child, or death may result in depression
Learned helplessness in situations where we feel like we have
little or no control
Thinking in ways that overlook the positive and see only the
pessimistic
Anger turned against yourself
Sin and guilt leading to self-condemnation and hopelessness
A lack of positive or pleasant experiences
Having a lack of meaning in life
How do I know if Im depressed?

The definition of depression changes slightly from time to
time, but currently a person must have at least one of the following
symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for two or more weeks to
be considered clinically depressed:
Feel sad, depressed, or empty
Lose interest or pleasure in almost all activities
In addition, the person must have more than three or four of the
following nearly every day for the same two or more weeks:
Great increase or decrease in appetite
Sleeping much more or less
Agitation or sluggishness
Fatigue or loss of energy
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Decreased ability to think or decide
Thoughts of death or suicide
your daily functioning. If you do not have at least five of these
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symptoms (including one of the first two), then you do not meet the
definition of clinical depression. Even if you are not clinically
depressed, suggestions in this brochure may be of benefit to you.
(Note that if your symptoms have been moderate and have lasted two
or more years, or if they include great swings in mood including
periods of elation, recommended treatment may be different from that
recommended below.)
Although it will not give a professional diagnosis of
depression, a depression questionnaire at the following web site will
help you determine if you may need to see a mental health
professional: http://mentalhelp.net/guide/dep2quiz.htm
What can I do if Im depressed?
Consulting a mental health professional would be ideal. Also
ideal would be getting a thorough physical exam. Depression can
have physical bases, and your physician may be able to evaluate you
for an antidepressant if necessary. However, some Christian workers
live in isolated areas where there are no mental health professionals.
Others have no health insurance or only insurance that does not cover
mental health, and they cannot afford to pay the bills themselves. But
if you are feeling tempted to act on suicidal thoughts, that indicates
you need immediate help from someone other than yourself. The
following are specific applications of our General Principles of
Stewardship of Self. You may find one or more of these helpful in
beginning to care for yourself.
Read portions of Scripture that seem particularly well-suited to
expressing the feelings and thoughts of persons when they are
depressed. For example, pray Psalm 13 with King David, leader
of Gods people. Also read Scripture passages filled with hope,
such as Psalm 40, Psalm 42, or 2 Corinthians 1:3-11.
Find information about depression on the Internet at sites such as
the one maintained by the National Library of Medicine at
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/depression.html or the one at
http://mentalhelp.net/disorders/. These web sites have numerous
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links to reliable information about depression. (Remember that the

domains .gov and .edu tend to be the most reliable.)
Read good books about depression, such as Feeling Good: The
New Mood Therapy, The Feeling Good Handbook, or Ten Days to
Self-Esteem, all by David Burns. Or read Happiness is a Choice:
The Symptoms, Causes and Cures of Depression by Frank Minirth
and Paul Meier.
Keep a log of your symptoms of depression to find events or
thoughts that occur before the symptoms get better or worse.
Then avoid those events or thoughts that precede depression and
increase your participation in events or concentrate on thoughts
that prevent or decrease it.
Find ways to reward yourself for thinking or behaving in ways
that decrease your depression when you discover what helps. For
example, if saying, This too shall pass helps, pat yourself on
the back by also saying, Im putting feet to my prayers by talking
to myself this way.
Do activities that once were rewarding or pleasurable, even if you
do not think they will bring you pleasure now. If you cannot think
of any, do something that most people find pleasurable, such as
enjoying nature, listening to music, or reading a good book.
Take time to be out in the bright light of the sun while protecting
your skin since sunlight often helps reduce depression.
Confess a fault or sin to an appropriate person in order to alleviate
guilt.
Make a caring confrontation if you need to confront someone
about things they are doing that are hurtful to you or others.
Ask for help from trusted friends, family members, physicians, or
counselors.
Make a choice to take the first step in putting feet to your prayers
for overcoming depression by deciding on one thing you can do
for yourself today. Then do it.
Tell someone else about your commitment to take that step to
actually do something.
Ask that person to hold you accountable for taking that step.
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Express the sadness, grief, and pain of loss or frustration. Isaiah
is often interpreted as referring to Jesus as the Man of Sorrows
(53:3-4). John recorded that Jesus wept (11:35).
Focus thinking on things that are good, pure, lovely, true, noble,
and admirable (Philippians 4:8). These are things that give us
hope. Take off the dark glasses and look at the good that can
come from your troubled situation. Remember the old song that
said, Count your many blessings; name them one by one.
If no medical professional is available, several herbal
supplements are effective for the treatment of mild to moderate
depression. St. Johns Wort and Sam-E are widely availablebut
if you take these, be sure to tell your physician when you see him
or her.
After checking with your doctor, if one is available, gradually
work up to exercising (after beginning to perspire) for at least
twenty minutes at least three times during the week. Such aerobic
exercise has proven effective in reducing depression.
Force yourself to be with people even when you do not feel like
it. During depression the tendency is to withdraw from others, but
being with people may actually help relieve your depression.
If you cannot make yourself socialize, ask someone else to coax
you to be with others even when you persistently resist.
Find a trusted person or group with whom you can share your
struggles. Just as you have wept with those who weep, let others
weep with you. If you are in an isolated location, numerous
Internet support groups are available on-line.
Monitor your thoughts for self-talk that is despairing and
hopeless. Then tell yourself, Stop! Do not continue to think
that way but choose to repeat true and hopeful thoughts.
Read or sing or listen to hymns or choruses or other Christian
music that are hopeful, such as It Is Well With My Soul or
This Is the Day.
Think of things that helped in the past when you were
depressed. Then do those things again.
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Ask other people what they have done when they were
depressed. What worked for others may work for you.
Write out your thoughts and feelings on paper. Create a poem.
Compose a hymn that expresses both the pain of your depression
and the hope for relief.
Do something to help someone else with no expectation of
receiving anything in return. This will get your focus off yourself
and on to helping others.
Do not be afraid of bringing others down. You may be giving
them an opportunity to minister to youand you can set an
example of vulnerability that encourages them to be honest.
Specifically pray for direction from the Holy Spirit about what is
causing the depression and what to do about it. Remember that he
is the great Physician.
Ask others to pray specifically for you about your depression
and its symptoms.
Take advantage of healing services offered in your church.
If nothing you try seems to help, try to discern how God may use
your depression in the larger context of his kingdom.
It may prepare you to minister more effectively to others by
giving you empathy (2 Corinthians 1:3-7).
It may help keep you humble and dependent on God (2
Corinthians 12:7).
It may produce spiritual blessing (James 1:12) or demonstrate
Gods power (John 9:1-7).
It may be a sign that you belong to Christ (1 Peter 4:12-19).
God may use it to test your faithfulness (The book of Job).
You may not be able to do all of these things, and they do not
all work with everyone. However, all of them have helped some
people, and one or more of them may be just what you need to reduce
your depression.
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Is that true?
23
about Suicide
As a teacher in a Christian International school, imagine that

during your last class of the day as you hand back test papers one
female student says, I cant believe I did that. I could shoot myself!
As you sit in the faculty meeting the next hour, a teacher retiring at
the end of the year is unfairly reprimanded by the headmaster. He
turns to you and says, On days like this I feel hopeless, like I would
be better off dead.
At first you ignore the remarks because you think the people
could not really mean them. After all, they are both Christians
serving God overseas, so surely they would not do such a thing.
However, later that evening you have second thoughts. Perhaps the
student really meant it! Adolescent girls only talk about suicide, but
they do not actually do it, do they? Arent boys the ones who do?
Perhaps the teacher really meant itbut no, as a respected older man
he has too much to live for. Besides, adolescents take their lives, not
older people, do they? In addition, you do not want to talk about it
and plant the idea!
Suppose you are wrong. What if they really meant it? How
would you know if they meant it? What could you do about it? What
if you are thinking of taking your own life? Let us consider these
things.
Many myths surround suicide. If you believe these myths,

you may miss a chance to save a life. Here are a few of those myths.
People who talk about suicide never do itthey just want
attention. False. Not everyone who talks about suicide actually
does it, but most people who commit suicide do tell someone
before doing soas a cry for help. Any serious statement about
suicide is a real danger signal and should not be ignored.
Adolescents are much more likely to commit suicide than adults.
False. The adolescent suicide rate is about the same as adult rates.
The people most at risk for suicide are older males, someone such
as the retiring teacher.
People are more likely to commit suicide around the Christmas
holidays, not in the spring of the year (when the school year is
ending). False. The holidays have one of the lowest suicide rates,
and spring has the highest.
One should not mention suicide when talking to depressed people
because it may give them ideas. False. Such people often have
such thoughts already and should be encouraged to express them.
In fact, talking about it may discourage people from doing it.
Is suicide sin?
Many people assume that the Bible states that suicide is sin. It
is true that several people (Judas, for example) took their own lives,
and God never gave his approval to any of those. Most of those who
took their own lives did it as a direct result of doing evil, and they
probably could see no other way out.
However, the Bible nowhere specifically states that suicide is
sin. The Bible does say that murder (taking someones life) is wrong.
In fact, that is one of the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20. Most
Christians believe that the command not to take someones life
includes not taking ones own life.
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Would Gods people do it?

Godly people are no exception. The Bible records several
prominent individuals who wanted death very much. We often quote
wonderful statements Job made as he suffered, but we forget some of
his negative statements. Job cursed the day of his birth (Job 3:1),
asked why he did not die at birth (Job 3:11), and wished he had never
come into being or died at birth (Job 10:19).
In fact, some of Gods people wish for death shortly after
great spiritual victories. For example, shortly after Elijah had a great
victory over the prophets of Baal on Mt. Carmel, he was sitting under
a tree praying that he might die. He said, Ive had it, Lord. Take my
life (1 Kings 19:4). Of course, God did not take his life but let him
sleep and sent an angel to tell Elijah to get something to eat. It is not
unusual to feel the worst soon after wonderful things happen.
Missionaries wouldnt, would they?
Yes, missionaries may come to wish for death as well. This
goes back to the first cross-cultural missionary in the Old Testament,
and it happened after one of the most successful missionary terms
ever. After his initial disobedience, Jonah obeyed God. When he did,
more than 120,000 people repented. Instead of rejoicing, Jonah
wanted to die and told God, Id be better off dead (Jonah 4:8). Of
course, God did not take his life but tried to reason with him.
Like other people, missionaries and TCKs do take their lives.
If you hear people say that they are thinking of suicide, it is time for
you to take action to prevent it.
What can I do?
Of course, you want to help, but how do you know what to
do? What you do depends on how serious the person is about
harming himself or herself. You can do this by going through the
following three steps in order. If at any time during these steps you
feel uncomfortable about doing them, you can report what you have
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found to the persons superior in his or her agency. Do not simply

ignore this call for helpdo something!
Step 1: The idea?
Ask people whether or not they have thought about harming
themselves. Some people will say that they never have. Others
(probably the majority) will say that they have, but it was during a
difficult time years ago, and they would never do anything like that
now. If that is the case, just let the issue drop. However, if they say
that they have been thinking recently about taking their lives, you
need to take further action.
Dont act shocked or be sworn to secrecy. Do listen nonjudgmentally, offer empathy, show interest and support, talk openly
about suicide, and offer hope that alternatives are available. Offer to
pray with them and share scripture with them (have passages in
mind). Encourage such persons to talk with a mental health
professional who can take responsibility. Missionaries sometimes
would rather talk with a pastor, and that is fine as well. If the person
talks with one of these, your task is finished. However, if they refuse
to talk with someone else, go on to Step 2, and remember that you
should never leave a person alone who is actively suicidal.
Step 2: A plan?
Note that people harm themselves in different ways. Ask the
persons whether or not they have considered various ways of doing it.
Even if they have not begun to plan by thinking about a way, offer to
make an appointment for them with someone competent to help, such
as a mental health professional or pastor of their choice. Also get at
least a verbal commitment not to harm themselves but to contact you
if the feelings come again. Express your concern and care for them
and follow-up to see that they keep their appointment.
If they have considered various ways, ask them whether or not
they have chosen a way. If they have not chosen a way, offer to go
with them to see a mental health professional or a pastor. If they have
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chosen a way, insist on a commitment in writinga contract signed

by both of you in which they promise to do no harm to themselves.
Again express your concern and care and follow up immediately with
Step 3. Remember that actively suicidal persons should not be left
alone.
(Note: If at any point they refuse to continue talking with you
or see someone else, contact someone who can take responsibility for
them. This may be a professional in their agency, their supervisor, or
anyone else who can help.)
Step 3: The means?
Ask them if they have acquired the means to do the harm.
That is find out if they have the gun, the pills, the rope, the knife, and
so forth. If they have the means to do the harm, call immediately for
help and stay with them until someone specializing in crisis
intervention and suicide prevention arrives.
What if they do?
If a person is determined to commit suicide, you probably
cannot prevent it. I know of one missionary who was in a mental
health facility because of depression and suicidal tendencies. Even
though the staff knew about his condition, he was able to take his own
life while under their care.
If people you have been trying to help take their own lives, it
is not your fault. Your responsibility is to love and care for them as
well as you can. If you do that, you have done all that is possible.
What if its me?
You may be reading this because you are the one
contemplating suicide. If so, follow the advice recommended in all
three of the steps. Go see a mental health professional or pastor who
can help you.
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Remember that suicidal thinking is usually associated with

problems that can be solved. If you cannot think of solutions, mental
health professionals, pastors, and even friends can help to find a
solution. Your suicidal crisis is a temporary one, and once you get
past the problem facing you, it will not look as big as it does now.
Ties to family or friends, your relationship with God, and dreams for
the future will provide meaning and satisfaction in life in the future.
The goal of the American Association of Suicidology is to
understand and prevent suicide. The website www.suicidology.org
has reliable information in their fact sheets about suicide.
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24
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settings. If missionaries do not experience the trauma firsthand, they

often witness it in national friends.
What is PTSD?
about Trauma, PTSD, and CISD
You may look at this title and say, Ive experienced some
traumatic things as a missionary, but what in the world are PTSD and
CISD? Does trauma affect children like it does adults? What happens
to those who help the traumatized? Is there anything we can do to
help prevent serious problems following trauma?
What is trauma?
People who respond with intense fear, helplessness or horror
when they are confronted with something that involves the threat of
death or serious injury to themselves or others experience trauma.
This may be something people actually experienced themselves or
something they witnessed.
Although this can happen to anyone anywhere in the world in
the form of accident, assault, rape, etc., missionaries in some cultures
are more likely to have such experiences, and less likely to have
someone who knows how to help them at the most crucial time.
Missionaries are often more likely to experience conflicts, such as
guerilla warfare, coups, and evacuations. They may also be more
likely to live where natural disasters, such as typhoons, earthquakes,
and volcanic eruptions, occur frequently. They may also live through
epidemics, such as cholera, typhoid, or malaria. Terrorism,
kidnapping, and being held hostage are more common in mission
Although nearly everyone living through such events has

some symptoms for a week or two, some have much longer-lasting
minor symptoms that do not interfere with their lives. However, some
experiencing severe trauma develop Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
(PTSD), and their symptoms are.
Reexperiencing the traumatic event in the form of having
recurring images or thoughts, or distressing dreams, feeling as if
the event is happening again, and reacting physiologically to
stimuli associated with the event or similar to the event
Avoiding things associated with the trauma, such as
conversations, activities, places, people or feeling detached from
others, unable to experience emotions, and unable to remember
significant parts of the trauma
Experiencing symptoms of increased arousal, such as being easily
startled, unable to sleep, irritable or angry, and having difficulty
concentrating
These symptoms may occur immediately or be delayed for
months or years. They may last for a few months or for many years.
PTSD has been called combat fatigue and shell shock when found
among the military in combat.
What is CISD?
Critical Incident Stress Debriefing (CISD) is a method of
helping prevent PTSD from developing in someone who has
experienced trauma. CISD is a structured group meeting ideally
conducted by a trained professional between 24 and 72 hours after the
crisis. A day is needed for the shock and numbness to wear off and
for the people to rest and attend to immediate needs. After three days
people begin to seal off emotionally and distance themselves from
the trauma. Unfortunately, with airline scheduling problems, needed
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visas, lack of funds, etc., trained professionals may not be available

within 72 hours, so those present but not directly involved in the
crisis may want to deal with trying to prevent PTSD. Here are the
outlines of a CISD which usually takes two or three hours.
Introduction. Explain the purpose of CISD, discuss what will and
will not be held confidential, make sure that only those directly
involved in the crisis are present and that all directly involved are
present, give opportunity for questions, and have prayer together.
(If some do not want to participate, point out to them that they
may not need help, but they may be helpful to others in the
group.)
History. If the people involved know each other well, this step
may be omitted. However, if they are not part of an already
established group, having each one briefly give a personal
testimony, family history, personal background (education, work,
marriage, children, happiest times, most stressful times, strengths,
and weaknesses) may be helpful.
Facts. Ask each member of the group to tell about what happened
and what his or her role was. This may include anything from
watching helplessly as someone died to pulling people from the
wreckage and saving their lives.
Thoughts. Ask members of the group to give the first thought
they remember after they stopped behaving automatically. It may
be something as simple as worrying about a pet or as complex as
wondering what would happen to their child if they died.
Reactions. Ask each person to talk at a more emotional level
about his or her experience, perhaps by asking, What was the
worst part of it for you?
Symptoms. Ask members to describe any symptoms they
experienced during and after the event, such as disturbed sleep,
lack of appetite, or poor concentration.
Spiritual struggles. Experiencing trauma may impact members
faith in God or concept of God. Indicate that it is safe to report
questions about God. You may want to pray with them, even
repeat some of the Psalms of David as he questioned God.
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Education. Summarize the meeting and note that their symptoms

are normal for anyone who has experienced severe stress; then
give them some techniques to help reduce stress. Tell briefly
about PTSD and note that common reactions to trauma are
feelings of anger, anxiety, denial, depression, guilt, grief, tension,
and gastrointestinal problems.
Referral. Finally, encourage participants who experience
continuing problems to see a mental health professional for CISM
(Critical Incident Stress Management), because you have just
given first aid, not full treatment.
What about children and trauma?

Children are also affected by trauma and need care much like
adults. Parents, teachers, pastors, and friends of the family may be
most helpful to children.
The presence of supportive loving adults is the greatest need of
traumatized children. Children find the greatest comfort in
knowing that they will not be left alone, that someone will be
there for them whenever needed.
Children need to be given enough information to comfort them,
but not so many details that it increases the trauma. Always tell
children the truth; covering up the facts leads to distrust later on.
Like adults, children need to be able to process what has happened
to them with other children their own age. Also like adults, they
need a facilitator presenta supportive, loving adult.
The general health of the family influences how severely the
trauma will affect the child. Children from dysfunctional families are
much more vulnerable to the effects of traumatic situations.
Does debriefing affect the helpers?
Yes. The debriefers must be debriefed. Leading a debriefing
is an emotionally draining experience, and anyone doing it is very
likely to experience the very symptoms they have heard others
describe. They need some way to process what they have been
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through themselves, again within 24-72 hours. If not, the debriefers

may well experience compassion fatigue and become cynical
themselves.
This does not need to be another full CISD but may be an
informal way to talk through what has happened to them. They
should have people praying for them. They should not schedule other
emotionally demanding events after the debriefing so that they will
have time themselves to debrief. If possible, the debriefers should
work in pairs so that they can get together later and debrief each
other.
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25
about Healing of Memories
What can we do to prevent trauma?

Your agency should have contingency plans for potentially
traumatizing situations. Decisions should already be made on such
questions as to whether or not ransom will be paid, who will go to
help people in traumatic situations, who will speak for the mission
during crisis times, and so forth.
You should know how to act to minimize danger. For
example, you should know where flash floods are likely to occur, and
avoid those roads when you see clouds in the mountains. Or how do
you tag your luggage? Dr. Jonathan Q. Smith, PhD, Executive
Director, Important Mission International" is a much more inviting
target for hostage takers than is John Smith, 123 The Lane.
You should know what to do if a potentially dangerous
situation occurs. For example, what do you do if an earthquake
occurs? Running from a brick building is not wise. What do you do
if you are taken hostage? Those early minutes of captivity are some
of the most dangerous, and resistance in the face of overwhelming
odds may result in your becoming a corpse.
We live in a fallen world, and trauma cannot always be
avoided. However, by using the best resources that we have available
and the spiritual resources that God supplies, we can emerge from the
situation only scarred to some extent, but not total casualties.
You may have had a difficult experience at some time in your life
and its effects are still with you. This may have been something that
was apparent to others present, such as physical or verbal abuse in
your family. It may have been hurt that no one else realized, such as
being laughed at for your answer in first grade. Sometimes people
need Gods spirit to bring healing to these damaged emotions, healing
of memories.
The story of Joseph, a third culture kid and cross-cultural worker,
is found in the last ten chapters of Genesis. As a teenager his jealous
brothers hated him so much they couldnt even say a kind word to
him, they plotted to kill him, and they actually sold him into slavery.
The emotional baggage from these experiences was apparent in
chapters 42, 43, and 45 where Joseph was unable to control his
weeping when he saw those brothers decades later.
You may have experienced similar things at some time in your
life, and the emotions related to them still influence you years later.
You may have prayed about the situation and tried to forget about it,
but the feelings are still therethe emotional part of forgiveness has
not taken place.
Following are steps that can lead to healing of these memories.
God does not give you amnesia about the events; however, he can
remove the damaged emotions the memories arouse. You may be
able to walk through these steps yourself, or you may find it helpful to
have someone else guide you through them as a friend.
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Thank God for gifts given.

The first step is to thank God for the gifts he has given you.
This is not an ego trip or bragging. It is simply a matter of
recognizing that God has blessed you with good things in life. He
may have given you athletic ability so that you can kick or throw a
ball more accurately than others. He may have given you intellectual
capacity to grasp abstract concepts that most other people cannot
understand. He may have given you musical talent for a particular
instrument or a voice that can sing beautifully. He may have given
you a face that others in your culture see as beautiful or handsome.
He may have given you a personality that others like to be around or
the ability to relate so well that people want to be your friend. The
list goes on and on.
When talking with his brothers more than two decades after
they had mistreated him (Genesis 45), Joseph pointed out that God
had sent him on ahead to save their lives. He noted that God had
made him father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household, and ruler
of all Egypt. He said to tell their father about the honor given to him
in Egypt. These were not boasting, just statements of fact. He told
his brothers not to be angry with themselves because God used what
they did for good in his lifeand in theirs.
Think of yourself made in Gods image and thank him for
making you. If you are going through these steps alone, it is best to
actually write down the good things God has given you.
If someone is there with you, talk about gufts together and
rejoice in what God has given. People with the severest damage to
their emotions may be the ones who most need someone else with
them. These others may be able to identify gifts or blessings taken for
grantedoverlooked because the person is so focused on the damage.
Ask God about healing.
The second step is to ask God what he wants to heal in you.
Sometimes we want to be healed just to have fewer tensions or to live
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up to what someone else expects of us. Our motivation must be to

become more like Christ, and we want to be sure that we really want
to be healedregardless of what other people think.
Sometimes God seems to delay the time of healing. Although
Joseph was in charge of the prison, he still wanted to get out (Genesis
40). After he interpreted the dream Joseph asked the cupbearer to
mention him to the Pharaoh when things improved. The cupbearer
forgotand Joseph waited two more years.
Sometimes God does not heal. Paul, another cross-cultural
worker, asked God for something three times, and God never
removed the thorn in the flesh. God just told Paul that his grace
was enoughthat Gods power was made complete without
removing the thorn (2 Corinthians 12).
Share the memory with God.
The third step is to share the memory with God, the painful
memory that keeps you from being healed. Rather than concentrating
on the current problem such as fear of people (because you were
abused as a child) or difficulty speaking in public (because you were
laughed at in first grade), go back to the memory of the original event
causing the problem.
We have no record of Joseph doing this, but he certainly could
have done so. He had those memories available as we can see in his
comments to the cupbearer (Genesis 40), For I was forcibly carried
off from the land of the Hebrews, and even here I have done nothing
to deserve being put in a dungeon.
Paul had had many painful memories, such as being beaten,
stoned, and shipwrecked, and he shared not only with God but with
believers in the church in the chapter just before he wrote about Gods
grace being sufficient (2 Corinthians 11).
When you share that memory with God, the emotions
associated with it will be aroused again. This is to be expected.
Remember that you are looking for the healing of these damaged
emotions. They have to be brought to the surface again even though
the experience is painful.
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Replace the hurt with love.

The fourth step is to replace the hurt with love by forgiving
those involved in the painful memory as God would forgive them.
Even though the people causing that hurt may no longer be alive, you
must forgive them unconditionallynot dependent on the other
persons changing and becoming worthy. When you do this, you can
focus not on the hurt, but on change and growth.
By the time he revealed who he was (to his brothers) 22 years
after they hurt him, Joseph had forgiven them. He told them not to be
distressed and angry with themselves (Genesis 45). Seventeen years
later (39 years after the offense), at the death of their father, his
brothers still thought that Joseph had not really forgiven them, and
they asked for his forgiveness. Joseph wept as he realized they had
still not accepted his forgiveness. Showing that he had replaced the
hurt with love, he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. He told
them not to be afraid, that he would provide for them and their
children (Genesis 50).
Replacing the hurt with love requires both deciding with your
mind to forgive and letting God help you with the emotional part of
forgivenesshealing damaged emotions. This is not forgive and
forget. The memory remains, but the associated emotion changes
and does not affect your thoughts and actions.
Become thankful for the memory.
The fifth step is to become thankful for that painful memory.
Because you believe that all things work together for good, now is the
time to look for the good in this situation. For example, your abuse as
a child may have made you particularly compassionate toward other
abused children and made you very effective in helping them. Or
being laughed at in first grade and your not speaking in public may
have encouraged you to develop other methods of communication,
such as writing or painting.
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Joseph did this when he revealed himself to his brothers. He

pointed out that God had used their hurtful act to save lives, to
preserve their family (Genesis 45). He reiterated this seventeen years
later when he told them, You intended to harm me, but God intended
it to save our lives (Genesis 50). If they had not sold him into
slavery, they all (including him) would have died along with
thousands of others in the famine in that part of the world.
This thankfulness is what Paul wrote about in 1 Thessalonians
5 where he said, Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods
will for you in Christ Jesus. We can do this with joy not only
because it is Gods will, but also because we know that he works for
good in all things.
Thank God for healing.
Finally, you thank God for healing and go ahead acting as the
healed person you are. Remember that the healing is from God, and
we accept it by faith. When God has given you this gift, you can go
out and pass it on to others while keeping it yourself. Since he has set
you free, you can help to set others free, setting in motion grace and
love to everyone.
When sending out the twelve their first time to spread the
good news, Jesus said, Freely you have received, freely give
(Matthew 10:8). The root word for gift appears three times in this
statement so that it literally says, Giftwise you have received,
giftwise give. Since you have received this wonderful gift, you can
go out and give it to others.
Conclusion
Some, or all, of these steps may need to be repeated as other
memories surface. The Spirit may bring some of these up at
unexpected times, and God stands ready to heal.
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26
about Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Suppose this happened to a missionary. His committee

report to the field director is due this afternoon, and he still has not
received Johns data that was due a week ago. He wonders what
Johns excuse will be this timelast time he forgot when it was due,
the time before that he had not followed instructions so the data was
useless, the time before that When John gets it in, he will probably
complain about how no one appreciates what he does, or that other
people dont have to gather data, or that He will probably come in
angry and try to start an argumentthen return tomorrow to say that
he is sorry, ask forgiveness, and promise to do better next time.
The missionary and John have served together for nearly four
years now, and the story is always basically the same. Only the
details change. What the missionary is facing is the passiveaggressive behavior of a colleague, something quite common among
missionaries and other Christians. Since they do not feel free to
express their dissatisfaction, such people do things that, in effect,
sabotage the project.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
People who appear to support the requests of others but do not
perform the requested action correctly or soon enough are displaying
passive-aggressive behavior. They may even seem to be enthusiastic
about the idea, but they use overt behavior to express what they do
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not want to say verbally. Rather than expressing their opposition in

words, they use procrastination, forgetfulness, and inefficiency to
avoid complying with the request.
Along with the passive resistance these people have a pattern
of negative attitudes. They may complain about feeling cheated,
unappreciated, and misunderstood as they blame their failures on
others. They may be sullen, irritable, cynical, and argumentative.
Some professionals have characterized passive-aggressive behavior as
hostile cooperation, angry kindness, or covert assertiveness.
This behavior appears most often in the workplace and in social
situations, but it may also occur in marriage and/or family situations.
Is it a psychological disorder?
For many years both the World Health Organization (agency
of the United Nations) and the American Psychiatric Association
listed Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. However, in 1994 the
American Psychiatric association removed passive-aggressive from
the list of disorders and placed it in an appendix of items for further
study.
Therefore, most nations consider it as a disorder, but mental
health professionals in the USA do not. However, even if it is not a
disorder, passive-aggressive behavior is very difficult to cope with.
The American Psychiatric Associations manual of mental disorders
(DSM-IV) does list seven Research criteria for passive-aggressive
personality disorder, and a person must have at least four of these
criteria to be considered passive-aggressive.
Is it in the Bible?
Most people look at the lost (prodigal) son who returned to his
father as the focus of that story in Luke 15. However, his older
brother also had major problems. Even though he is not labeled as
passive-aggressive, the older son meets six of the seven DSM-IV
criteria in just three short verses.
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Resisted carrying out routine social tasks: he refused to go to his

brothers party (v. 28).
Complained of being unappreciated by others: his father never
gave him a party (v. 29).
Was sullen and argumentative: he argued with his father (v. 29).
Criticized and scorned authority: he criticized his fathers party
for the squandering son (v. 30).
Expressed envy and resentment toward those more fortunate: he
resented that the fatted calf was killed for his brother (v. 30).
Voiced exaggerated complaints of personal misfortune: he had
slaved for years (v. 29)
The only criterion he did not meet was the one saying that he
alternated between defiance and contrition!
What are the symptoms?

By definition the passive-aggressive person has (1) a pattern
of passive resistance to carrying out requested actions and (2) a
pattern of negativistic attitudes (an alternate name is negativistic
personality disorder).
As noted above, the DSM-IV criteria elaborated these two
general conditions into seven more specific criteria. The following
are even more specific passive-aggressive actions.
Deliberate inefficiency, dawdling, laziness, inflexibility, ignoring
of others
Procrastination, stubbornness, resisting suggestions, disregarding
instructions
Pretending forgetfulness, putting things on the back burner,
making excuses
Losing things, discovering things too late,
Sullenness, hostility, anger, argumentativeness
Complaining, resentment, feeling unappreciated, irritableness,
cynicism
Blaming others, feeling cheated
Overt sabotage, sulking
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Working poorly or slowly, being tardy or absent

Repeatedly apologizing, asking forgiveness and promising to do
better next timebut not really changing
The list can go on and on. Whether they are conscious of it or
not, the goal is to do something that slows or prevents the action from
being done or undermines the success of others.
Who can be passive-aggressive?

Anyone who is in a relationship with you may be passiveaggressive toward you.
It may be someone above you, such as your field director, a
mentor, a committee chair, or an administrator in the home office.
It may be someone below you, such as a student in your class, a
new missionary you are orienting, or your own child or
adolescent.
It may be someone at your own level, such as a fellow missionary,
a colleague where you teach, a friend, or even your spouse.
The higher the commitment and the closer the relationship, the
more the passive-aggressive behavior will affect your life. For
example, if your spouse or teenager does not want missionary life, it
will disrupt your life more than if a student in your class or a new
missionary is unhappy.
Missionaries may show passive-aggressive behavior to avoid
the stress of confrontation. In 1983 Dorothy Gish asked 547
missionaries to rate 65 items that cause stress, and confronting others
when necessary was the one rated most stressful. Sixteen years later
Joan Carter repeated the study with the same items plus some
additional ones. The 306 missionaries still placed confronting others
at the top of the list.
Passive-aggressive behavior can stop a project just like
confrontation can, but it can do so with less stress. Missionaries who
do not want to oppose a program overtly can just not get their part
done so that the project fails. After that they can apologize for their
tardiness, ask forgiveness, and they have still accomplished what they
wanted in the first place.
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What can you do?

Remember that this pattern of behavior has worked for
many years for the passive-aggressive people. Even though their
behavior has an impact on you it is not about you. Do not take it
personally. Your goal is to create a climate of safe and open
communication. The following may help.
Keep an open mind, avoid being defensive, and acknowledge that
some of the concerns may be legitimate.
Be empathetic but still request more appropriate behavior.
Concretely define what you expect, and ask the person to
paraphrase your wants.
Do not accept, excuse, or reward poor performance.
Tactfully challenge distortions but do not argue over them.
Make sure that he or she understands that you care for him or her
personally and are not just seeking control.
Remember that if you become viewed as an opponent, the
objectionable behavior is likely to increase.
Finally, if you do not succeed, do not blame yourself. If
people do not want to change, they do not. Remember that you did
not cause the passive-aggressive behavior.
What if you are passive-aggressive?
People who are passive-aggressive may not realize that they
are engaging in a self-defeating, objectionable behavior. The Spirit
may have revealed to you that you use this habitual and problematic
behavior yourself. If you recognize this troublesome behavior
interfering with your own work or relationships, there is much hope.
You may be able to change your passive-aggressive behavior by
observing yourself and making changes in your own behavior,
asking God to help.
You may want to ask a friend to help you. It is much easier for
people to recognize such behavior in others, so the observations of
a good friend may give good insights.
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You may want to see a counselor to help you identify and change
your behavior. Cognitive-behavioral therapy may help you
become aware of such behavior and minimize it.
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Part 4.
Family and Sexuality
In many sending countries the family seems to be

disintegrating as the divorce rate increased during the 20th century. In
addition the incidence of sex before marriage increased at the same
time. These changes have had an impact on the missionary force.
The chapter about adolescence shows how adolescence itself is a
cultural invention of the last century and a half. The chapters about
separation because of ministry responsibilities and other kinds of
sexual stress give suggestions for building stronger marriage
relationships and avoiding marriage breakups.
Email and the Internet are wonderful ways of disseminating
information, but too often it is the wrong kind of information.
Pornography and Internet relationships are now available to anyone,
anytime, almost anywhere. The chapter about such immorality gives
suggestions to avoid sin in this ever available, affordable, anonymous
situation. No one likes to talk about sexual abuse by people in
ministry, but recent events in the Roman Catholic church have
brought it into our awareness. Unfortunately, it also sometimes
occurs among missionaries, and the chapter about sexual abuse notes
ways to spot it and gives suggestions about what to do.
about Childrens Adjustment
People living and working in other cultures may think that

they do not need to give much thought to taking their preschool and
primary children along. Parents may think that although the children
may not want to go, they will soon adjust and be happy in the new
culture.
Although this scenario is often the case, it is not always so.
Children who do not want to go sometimes never adjust, refuse to
learn the language, refuse to make friends, and talk about going home
for years.
Parents can increase the likelihood that their preadolescent
children will make the transitions to and from the host culture
successfully. Following are suggestions that may increase the
chances of your child having a good experience in another country.
On your mark! (Parenting)
Probably the most important factor in the adjustment of
children is the relationship between their parents. Someone has said,
The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their
mother. Although parents may not realize it, children are aware
when problems exist between their parents.
Living in another culture is difficult for any marriage, so if
you have not developed good methods of communication and
resolving conflict, please take time to do so before going. Then you
will be able to adequately do the following Ps of Parenting:
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Presence. Parents are available for children. Of course, there will
be times of separation, but when not out of town, parents should
schedule time with their children.
Provision. Parents provide for their childrens needs, not only
financial and physical needs but also spiritual, relational, and
emotional ones.
Protection. Parents protect children by setting boundaries and by
administering consequences as well as by their physical presence
in times of danger.
Permission. Parents give permission to express emotions in ageappropriate ways as well as to try new things and take risks.
Get set! (Preparation)

Although children need not be involved when the idea of
serving cross-culturally first comes up, they want to have their voice
heard as a part of the family when it is seriously discussed. Talking
with them about it is vitally important rather than just telling them
they are going. Even preschool children can process an amazing
amount of information and should be included when considering the
move. In addition to generally talking about the move, talk about
specific things in their new culture and experience parts of it if
possible.
Talk about the food they will be eating when there.
Cook some of the food while still at home.
If possible eat at a restaurant that serves such food, and let the
children hear the language and see the actions and appearance of
the cooks and servers.
Talk about the place the family will be living and look at pictures
of it.
If children are in school, talk about their school and look at
pictures of it.
In all of this, stress positive things about the move and discuss
options open to them months in advance of the move.
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Go! (Packing)
When you are packing and realize that you cannot possibly
take everything you planned, be very careful to let children have a
voice in what you leave behind. The following worn out or
insignificant items may be very important to a child:
An torn blanket
A wrinkled picture
A broken toy
A ragged teddy bear
You may tell a child to leave a cherished teddy bear behind and you
will get him or her a new one when you get there. Although that
sounds good, it may be the emotional equivalent of someone telling
you to leave your baby at home because you can always have another
one when you get there.
If you are into the popular pastime of scrapbooking, be sure to
take some of those scrapbooks along. They can be invaluable for
keeping memories alive. Photo albums are great as well. If you are
really cramped for space, remember that in this digital age you may
still have the photos in your computer or burned on a CD that can be
taken along easily because it is so small and weighs only ounces.
Goodbyes are very important. We tend to say goodbye to
people, but we also need to bid farewell to other things as well:
Places. Take your child to school to tell it goodbye, then to the
church, then to the park, and so forth.
Pets. A cat, a dog, or even a fish may seem like a part of the
family to a child. He or she needs to tell it goodbye and see who
will be caring for it.
Possessions. You obviously cannot take everything your children
have, so let them give their things away (or sell them at a yard
sale) so that they know who will have them.
Life there (Possibilities)
Once you arrive the choices may seem endless where children
are involved. You may want your children to play with the national
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children who live nearby. However, your children have so many

strange things to adjust to that the thought of playing with boys and
girls who do not speak their language may be daunting at first.
You may want your children to learn the national language as
children so that they can speak it without an accent and think in it like
you can never do. However, still mastering the intricacies of their
own language, they may find the new language confusing and not
want to learn it.
You may want your children to take in the incredible scenery
of the surrounding countryside or the important historical monuments
and buildings in your area. However, they would rather play in the
sandbox in the back yard.
The number of potential choices may seem endless, and you
will have to use your own judgment. However, remember that there
is a big difference between your spending time with your children and
their spending time with you.
If you are all doing something they want to do (play in the
sandbox), you are spending time with them.
If you are all doing something you want to do (seeing the
monuments), they are doing something with you.
Of course, you do not have to do everything with them, but be
sure that you do enough somethings with them. Better to end up
with good memories of the sandbox than with bad memories of the
monuments.
School (Preschool & Primary)
School is a very important part of the childrens lives, and you
have a broad range of options open to you:
Local Christian school
Local international school
Correspondence courses (traditional or DVD)
Distance learning (internet or DVD)
National school (public or private)
Home school (alone or cooperative)
Assisted home school (home and other)
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Boarding school (mission or international Christian)

Satellite school (small or multigrade class)
As you and your children face these choices, remember that no
one type of schooling is recommended for all children or even one
child over his or her lifetime. Some children flourish in one type of
school while other children flourish in another. A child may do well
in one school situation when five years old but need a different one
when ten years old.
This decision is one that you are likely to revisit several times
during a childs life, so do not be reluctant to make changes when
such changes will help.
Home again (Passport country)

When you return to your passport country, it is similar to
going originally to your host country. However, just reentering your
home culture may be more difficult than the original change in
culturesmuch to the surprise of the children. In addition, your
children are now several years older than they were then, and the
issues may be quite different. Here are some of the factors that may
affect reentry.
Age. One child who went as a child may be coming back as an
adolescent and have progressed to a different way of thinking.
Another child who could barely talk is now in school.
Personality. Each child is an individual, and the extrovert who is
energized being with people may respond quite differently from
the introvert who wants to be alone.
Experience. One child who had a difficult time entering the host
culture may dread going home while the other who loved the
transition eagerly anticipates it.
Third culture kids. Your children who were from one culture
have now internalized another. However they do not really feel a
part of either, they are TCKs.
Reason for leaving. If going home at this time was on the
schedule, it is quite different from one that is a forced premature
departure.
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Your attitude. If you, as parents, are eagerly looking forward to

going home, your children will have a different attitude than if
you want to stay.
Education. If your children are at natural breaks in their
education (between elementary and middle school) it may be
easier than if they are leaving just a year before that break would
occur.
Considering all these issues in your decisions will likely
enable your children to have a better international experience.
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28
about Adolescence
Jesus was a teenager, but never an adolescent. So was Moses.

So was Paul. So was George Washington. If you are working among
non-Western people, that may be the case with them as well. If you
are working in developing countries, you may have noticed that
teenagers in the larger cities are adolescents, but those in the rural
villages are not. Why is there this difference? What is adolescence?
What does the Bible say about it? Should adolescents be treated as
adults? What are the major problems of adolescence? How can those
problems be prevented? Lets consider some of these questions.
What is adolescence?
Today adolescence is the time of life between puberty and
adulthood. That seems simple enough, but it is much more
complicated than it appears at first glance because of changes during
the last 200 years.
Puberty. Puberty originally meant, of
ripe age, adult. That is what it still means in many tribes where
children go through rites of passage as teenagers to become full adults
in their culture. However, in Western nations the age of sexual
maturity has decreased by three or four years, but people do not
become adults culturally at that time. Today puberty means only
sexual maturity.
Adulthood. People used to become adults
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in their early teens, such as Jewish children going through bat or bar
mitzvah at 12 or 13. It is not clear when people become adults today
in Western countries. They begin paying adult prices in restaurants
and theatres at 12, driving at 16, graduating and voting at 18, and
buying liquor at 21. We have gone from the bar mitzvah to the bar as
the final step to adulthood.
Adolescence is the time of life after
puberty but before adulthood; it did not exist much before the
twentieth century and still exists only in Western (or Westernizing)
countries.
What causes adolescence?
Culture. More than anyone else, missionaries should
recognize the influence of culture. According to one Rabbi in the
Talmud, a good man was one who leads his children in the right
path, and marries them just before they attain puberty. In pioneer
America, a marriage that sometimes united a boy of 16 to a girl of 14
was an occasion of merriment that brought out the whole fort. For
3000 years the minimum legal age of marriage in the Jewish, Roman,
Anglo-Saxon, and American cultures (as in most other cultures) was
12 for women and 14 for men. Not everyone married at those ages,
but they were adults and could marry if they wanted to, just as people
at 18 years of age can today.
What does the Bible say about Adolescence?
Nothing. It had not been invented yet in the Hebrew, Greek,
or Roman cultures. In Bible times people were babies, children,
grown-ups, men and women, but not adolescents. Look at some
scripture passages.
Moses: Pharaohs daughter said to her, take this baby and nurse
him for meWhen the child grew olderOne day after Moses
had grown up (Exodus, 2:9-11, NIV)
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Paul: When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a

child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me (1
Corinthians 13:11, NIV).
Should we treat adolescents like adults?

You probably think, Teenagers are so irresponsible, certainly
they cannot be expected to act like adults. Yet teenagers were treated
as adults for thousands of years in most cultures, and they did fine.
God trusted the care of his son into the hands of Mary, a teenager. Of
course, the difference in Western cultures today is that we do not
expect adult behavior from teenagers, and we do not prepare children
to act like adults when they pass through puberty. People tend to
behave as expected, so when we expect childish behavior from teens,
we get it. Most adolescents today cannot be treated as adults because
they have never learned to be responsible. Although they have
developed adult capacities physically, mentally, and morally, our
culture has not prepared them to be adults, as cultures did for
thousands of years. Yes, we should treat adolescents as adults; we just
need to prepare them to act responsibly. Preparing children and
expecting adult behavior from adolescents prevents many teen
problems.
What are the major problems of adolescence?
When difficulties occur during the teen years, they often
center around our invention of adolescence, and they occur in three
major areas: identity, sexuality, and work.
Identity. Adolescents have problems
knowing who they are because we have not yet created a cultural
identity for adolescents. They are neither children nor adults. In
addition to the loss of family identity by such things as divorce and
remarriage, MKs may live much of their lives thousands of miles
from their extended families, seeing them only rarely. In addition to
the loss of community identity caused by urbanization and bussing,
MKs may live in a different home each time they come to their
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home country. And in addition to the loss of religious identity due

to denominations and independent churches, MKs may be confused
by national religions.
Sexuality. The very definition of
adolescence means that teenagers are not able to express their
sexuality in a marriage relationship. They cannot legally be married
(without parental consent) for about the first six years of their sexual
maturity and cannot financially afford to for about the first ten years.
Unfortunately, this is during the young mens time of greatest sexual
desire. Of course, we know that most teenagers in Western cultures
are not sexually inactive. MKs may grow up in host cultures that are
even more sexually permissive than their home country as well as
in missionary subcultures that are less sexually permissive. This may
result in even more difficulty dealing with their sexuality during
adolescence.
Work. Teenagers worked for thousands
of years, but full-time work that pays enough
to live on was legally prohibited for most people before the age of 18
with the invention of adolescence. Since they could not work, our
culture passed laws that adolescents must go to school, although many
teens now work part-time. MKs often have even more limited
opportunities to work, earn money, and learn how to spend it than
teens in sending countries.
Can adolescence be treated?
Western culture may someday find that it cannot support
adolescence, and gradually decrease it. However, for the present
time, we have to live in this culture with adolescence. The only
cure for adolescence now is to grow older and become an adult.
Can adolescence problems be prevented?
Problems in adolescence can at least be greatly decreased.
The major way to help those going through adolescence is to treat
them as adults. Expect responsible behavior from them and teach
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them to be adults. Parents can take many specific actions to help with
all three major problem areas. Here are a few examples.
Identity. Help teens develop an identity:
Family. Have family nights, family outings, family traditions,
family jokes, family devotions, family scrapbooks and videos.
Study the family history.
Mission community. Participate in school activities, church
activities, dinners, retreats, outings, etc. with others in the mission.
Have a positive attitude about it.
Home community. When in the home country, participate in
scouts, 4-H, PTO, block parties, etc. Subscribe to the local paper
and read about the local history.
Religious. Adolescents should participate as adults in the choir,
ushering, teaching, leading Bible study, participating in board
meetings, leading small groups, etc.
Sexuality. Talk with teens about sex.
Talk about sexuality and adolescence so that the adolescents will
realize the problem is with Western culture, not with them as
individuals. Begin doing this when they are children.
Study what the Bible has to say about the various types of sexual
activity in which adolescents engage, and look at all the positive
things the Bible has to say about sex.
Begin interacting with the opposite sex in acceptable ways.
Dating is a time of becoming friends and developing commitment,
not becoming sexual partners.
Make a commitment during the early teen years about what the
teen will do and will not do in terms of sexual behavior (hold
hands, embrace, pet, premarital sex, etc.)
Work and Money. Teach teens about finances.
Everyone given a job to do to help around the house and grounds,
without pay.
Teens work extra jobs to earn their own money to spend as they
see fit, to learn how to manage money.
Give teens the money you would use to buy their own necessities
(clothing, toiletries, etc.) as their weekly or monthly pay, just as
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you are paid. It is then their responsibility to manage that money

so they will have new clothes for school. If they do not have it, let
them wear their old ones.
Although there will almost certainly be times of conflict, in
general adolescence can be a time of growth for both parents and
teenagers.
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29
about Ministry Separation
Whenever people in ministry are separated, disagreements are

likely to occur. The most famous case is probably when Thomas
refused to believe what the other disciples told him about Jesus
resurrection (John 20). Of course, the same was true of other
disciples as well (Mark 16, Luke 24).
This has especially been true relative to missions. Even after
Peter became convinced about the Gospel being for the Gentiles and
witnessed them receiving the Holy Spirit (Acts 10), the other early
Christians not there at the time were critical of his actions (Acts 11).
A major crisis arose in the early church after Paul and Barnabas
returned from their first term of missionary service and had not
required the Gentile Christians to be circumcised (Acts 15).
These disagreements and misunderstandings still occur today
among missionaries in general but may be especially difficult for
husbands and wives experiencing separations related to their
missionary ministry. In these days of air travel, absences of a few
days or a few weeks are very common, as are even longer absences.
This is true not only on the field but perhaps even more so when on
home assignment. One spouse or the other may be gone nearly every
weekend or several weeks at a time raising support. Although these
absences may be more frequent today, the reactions of individuals to
them have not changed. What are some of the difficulties that may
occur? What can be done to minimize these difficulties?
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It always happens when you are gone.

For the spouse left at home, it seems like that is the time crises
are most likely to occur. A pipe breaks. The car will not start. The
computer locks up and will not reboot. The kids get sick. The
teacher wants to talk to a parent about a problem at school. The list
goes on and on. Whether such things happen more frequently when a
spouse is gone or not, they at least seem to. Here are a few steps one
can take to cope with this situation.
Develop a practical support group. Make a list of people you
can call on to help with the car, the computer, illness, and other
problems.
Use whatever means of communication you have available to
contact your spouse. E-mail can usually bring a response in a few
hours. A cell phone can often get an immediate response.
Ask older missionaries who have lived in the same area for
suggestions on how they coped with such situations.
Lower your expectations. Rather than trying to fix everything, let
something go.
See the brochure on anxiety.
I need your stability.
Marriage is about sharing life, and today that is more possible
than ever before. When one spouse feels the need to discuss a
situation with the other, the sooner they can do that, the better. When
both spouses share in the decision, both have responsibility for the
outcome. With our varied means of communication one can contact a
spouse virtually anywhere within a few hours, and the traveling
spouse should make that possible. Do not hesitate to spend whatever
money is necessary to communicate. Here are a few ways that can be
done.
Cell phones. Do not turn them off unless absolutely necessary for
an agreed on length of time. When you do, return the call as soon
as possible.
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E-mail. Check your e-mail on an agreed-on schedule and reply

immediately.
Fax. Leave word with whoever receives your fax messages to get
them to you as soon as possible and reply immediately.
Even if there is no emergency, communicate on an agreed
schedule.
What about the children?

Children, like spouses, have various reactions to a parent
being gone. They may become angry, lonely, moody, disobedient,
withdrawn, and so forth. Here are some ways you can cope with
these.
Communicate I. The traveling parent can talk by phone
personally, e-mail a message to each child, or add a special
message to a fax.
Communicate II. The parent at home can encourage
communication with the children by asking, sharing, and being
vulnerable.
Discipline must be administered immediately, not when the absent
parent returns. If possible, spouses should communicate before it
is given.
See the brochure on adolescence.
I get so angry.
The spouse left at home may become angry at the traveling
spouse or angry at God. One may feel abandoned, that the absent
spouse is gone because she or he really wants to be. Even if agreed to
beforehand, one may feel anger at God for calling the spouse away.
Such feelings must be faced, and so must thoughts about the absent
spouse. Talk with others about them, beginning with the object of
your anger. If necessary, with permission, talk with selected others.
With the spouse
With God
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With a support group
With a counselor
See the brochure on anger
We seem to have less and less in common.

Of course, you do. People involved in different activities become
concerned about different issues and develop different interests. A
strong marriage requires common interests, and that will require
intentionally maintaining these.
Openly discuss with each other what is happening and what
interests you want to nurture together.
Choose interests that you value in your marriage.
Choose friends that you each value, people with whom you are
both comfortable and have similar interests.
I get so lonely.
Of course you do. You are alone. Both of you are alone, so
both of you are likely to be lonely. To combat this, you need to
intentionally plan how you will combat the loneliness.
Tell each other about your loneliness.
Find activities that help decrease the loneliness. For some it may
be watching a video, for others having friends in, and for still
others, reading a book.
Both journal about your feelings of loneliness while apart, and
then share your journals with each other when together.
Communicate frequently via e-mail and telephone.
See the brochure on loneliness.
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song put it, When Im not near the girl (guy) I love, I love the girl
(guy) Im near. Typically we come to like the people we interact
with most, which is usually our spouse. If you feel vulnerable in this
area, you are. If you do not feel vulnerable, you may be even more
vulnerable than those who do feel it. Such attraction must not be
tolerated in any way.
Be honest with yourself about it.
Be honest with God about it.
Find an accountability partner (or group) of the same gender to
call you regularly to ask for a report.
See the brochure on sexual stress.
Its so good to have you home, so why are we arguing now?
You have been looking forward to being together for several
days or weeks, and now you find yourselves in an argument. What is
the problem? Remember that both of you are probably physically and
emotionally exhausted from all the things we have discussed. The
spouse who stayed at home has been carrying the load usually carried
by two people. The spouse who traveled is tired from work, travel,
and perhaps jet lag and intestinal disturbances from getting some of
the flora and/or fauna from the local water.
Both of you need to realize what the situation is.
Both of you need to be especially patient with each other.
If disagreements begin, it is best to shelve discussion until you
both have time to get rested, perhaps taking turns covering for
each other while the other rests.
Celebrate your reunion (when you are rested) in some special
way.
See the brochure on conflict.
I cant believe Im attracted to ____.

We need to talk.
Although being attracted to someone other than your spouse
takes many people by surprise the first time it happens, it is very
common. This attraction may be either sexual or emotional. As one
Missionaries, of all people, should know the importance of

debriefing. You consider it routine when you reenter your passport
country, and it is the same for any transition. Coming home from a
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few days or weeks is also a reentry, and you both need the chance to
debrief this minor transition. Again, communication is of greatest
importance, so debrief each other.
Look at your journals and tell each other everything about your
separation.
Consider how this fits in to your life story together.
Decide what changes this may imply for your lives together in the
future
Make specific plans for how you will cope with separation next
time.
See the brochure on reentry.
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30
about Sexual Stress
You and Pat have been working together for several months,
but during the last three weeks both of you have been spending every
available minute on the big project. You have eaten working lunches
together and continued working after the others have gone home for
the night. You realize that you are beginning to look forward to going
to work more than you ever have before, and this morning when you
saw Pat, your heart began to race. Certainly you couldnt be falling in
love, could you? You are a missionary, so sexual immorality,
adultery, homosexual activity, or incest are not possible, are they?
Why do you feel this way? What can you do to prevent this from
happening? Lets consider some of these questions.
Me?
Could it happen to you, a missionary? Of course, it could.
You are human, arent you? It is a natural human tendency to grow to
like people with whom we spend time, so much so that even people
taken hostage often grow to like their captors, and the captors grow to
like their hostages. It is even more likely that you will like people
with whom you are working, and that liking may become sexual
attraction. People can gradually slide into sexual sin over a period
of time. An example of this is found in the case of Amnon and Tamar
where Amnon became obsessed with her in the course of time (2
Samuel 13).
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Although it is rare, it can be love (lust) at first sight. In this

case people can fall into sexual sin rapidly. An example of this is
David and Bathsheba. Rather than being out leading his army where
he should have been, David stayed in Jerusalem. Having trouble
sleeping, he went for a walk on his roof and noticed a woman bathing.
Rather than looking away, he sent someone to find out who she was.
Rather than leaving it at knowing who she was, when he found out
her husband was out fighting in the army, he had her come over.
Then he slept with her (2 Samuel 11).
Immorality or adultery?
Could you, a missionary, get pulled into immorality or
adultery? Of course you could, and the slide into it usually begins
in harmless, innocent ways. For example, you are field director, so it
is your responsibility to show the attractive new single missionary
around. Or, you feel sorry for the new missionaries who have no
place to stay, and you invite them to live with you temporarily. Or,
while talking with a long-term missionary friend, Chris, you find out
that Chris feels neglected at home, so you try to give Chris some extra
attention. Before you realize it, the two of you are sharing deep
things, and this intimacy leads to increasing time together, and finally
adultery.
It happens not only with other missionaries, but with nationals
as well. It happens to both men and women. It happens with young
and old. If you think you are invulnerable to sexual sin, you are
actually the most vulnerable. 1 Corinthians 10:12 describes our
vulnerability, but verse 13 promises Gods faithfulness in providing a
way of escape. Attraction to other people is very likely to happen,
and if you do not know what to do, you may well find yourself in a
position like King David, trying to cover up your sexual sin and
causing serious problems for your entire family, field, and mission
agency.
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Homosexual activity?
Could two missionaries begin a homosexual relationship?
Yes, they can, and it can happen with either men or women, married
or single, young or old. As a result of isolation and loneliness, people
living together with same-sex partners may form emotionally
dependent relationships. These rather exclusive relationships may
become possessive and lead to physical activity with sexual elements.
An embrace may become more than just comforting.
This may progress into homosexual activity, so that the people
involved have progressed into a sinful relationship. But even if it is
stopped before reaching this level, confusion, guilt feelings, and the
relationship itself need to be carefully examined.
Incest?
Certainly incest cannot occur, can it? Again, the answer is,
Yes. Incest is still legally defined as sexual intercourse between
close relatives, as described in Leviticus 18-20. Because incest is
often a family secret, no one knows how often it occurs, but it
apparently occurs most often between an adult male and a younger
female relative.
The missionary community often refers to itself as a family,
and socially it functions like a family. Children often have many
aunts and uncles on the field to which they feel much closer than
any biological relatives back home. Incest can also involve sexual
exploitation of an intimate involving secrecy and misuse of
authorityand that also happens in the missionary family (the field
or the entire agency). Again this is most likely between an older adult
male in a position of authority becoming sexually intimate with a
younger female, most often the child of a co-worker or a young single
female missionary.
The underlying processes seem to be the same in both. The
perpetrator is a person in a position of leadership and power in the
family. The close family is seen as a place of safety and security in
a hostile world, but the perpetrator betrays this trust. The victims
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often blame themselves, thinking that their spiritual leader would not
have done such a thing without being provoked. Secrecy follows.
The victims may keep it secret, thinking no one will believe them.
When others find out, they react with disbelief, then shock, then
silence--to protect the victim. They may also want to protect the
perpetrator, or protect the image of the mission family.
Why me?
Am I, as a missionary, more susceptible to sexual sin than
someone back home? You may be because of some of the facts of
missionary life. That is why this brochure is titled sexual stress.
High stress. Stress and anxiety tend to make many men want sex,
but many women want cuddling and rest. When refused, either
may think the other does not care. Cultural stress decreases the
control of sexual urges, especially in those who had problems at
home.
Lack of privacy. You may live in a goldfish bowl where nearly
everything you do is watched and talked about. There may be no
locks on the door, and sound may carry far outside the bedroom,
even outside the house.
Cultural taboos. You may live in a culture where the expectations
for husband-wife behavior are quite different from your home
country. You may not be able to display any affection in public,
even to hold hands.
More separation. The very nature of your work may mean the
spouse has to be gone several nights a week. He or she may be
tempted while away, and the partner tempted at home as well.
Pornography available. Pornography may be more openly
promoted on television, at newsstands, etc. than back home. The
Internet is a mixed blessing because along with mail and
information, you have access to totally uncensored pornography in
your own home.
Need for affection and touch. We all need touch, and you may be
basically alone where you are with no one to just put an arm
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around you in difficult times. You have left your support group
behind, and may not have developed a new one.
You need to remember that you are far from home, behind
enemy lines, and the enemy will use whatever advantage he has.
How can I prevent it?
Although sexual sin occurs among missionaries, it is not
unavoidable. Here are some things you can do to make it less likely.
Acknowledge your vulnerability. Until you do this, you will not
be motivated to do anything to prevent it.
Avoid triggering situations. Know what leads you to sexual
temptations. If visual stimuli do, be careful what you see on TV,
the computer monitor, etc. (King David needed to stay off roofs).
If it is touch, be careful about physical contact. Once you begin
the sexual slide, temptation becomes stronger the further you go.
Pray. You pray. Ask others to pray. Pray with your spouse and
ask your spouse to pray for you. You have a support group back
home, so ask them to pray.
Communicate with your spouse and regularly fulfill each others
sexual needs. Talk regularly and frequently about how you feel
about your relationship with each other. As you talk, develop
ways to create privacy, such as locking the front door from the
outside, and coming in the back door. If you cant hold hands in
public, develop other ways of saying you love each other in
public, such as a wink, a raised eyebrow, etc.
Have an accountability relationship. You also need a support
group physically present who will look you in the eye and ask you
regularly (weekly, if possible) about the purity of your sexual life.
Remember that your capacity for self-deceit is great.
Make a commitment to God. Read Leviticus 18-20 and 1
Corinthians 5-7. Note that they encourage you to be holy, and the
way to be holy is to enjoy sex with your spouse and avoid it with
anyone else. Make that commitment.
Practice the presence of the omnipotent God. You may think that
no one knows about what you are downloading from the Internet,
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but remember that God is there. Not only is he there, but he wants
us to be holy and promises to strengthen us (Ephesians 3:16).
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31
about Internet Immorality
(with Marty Seitz)
Although he did not have Internet access, King Davids

actions in 2 Samuel 11 illustrate processes similar to what Christian
workers may experience today. David should have been out on the
front lines with his army, but he remained at home alone. One night
when he could not sleep, he got up and wandered around his house.
He looked out and saw a very beautiful woman bathing. Rather than
looking away, David sent someone to find out more about her. Even
though he found out she was married, he sent someone else to invite
her over. After their night of sex, she went back home. All seemed
well until the woman sent word to David saying she was pregnant
(and she had not had sex with her husband in weeks).
Rather than confessing his wrong, David tried a cover-up.
When David had her husband come back to Jerusalem for a few days,
the husband did not go home to spend the night with his pregnant
wife. David got the husband drunk, but he still did not go home to his
wife. So David had the husband sent into the thick of battle to be
killed, adding murder to his sin of adultery. In following chapters he
was confronted by a prophet who told him what he did in secret
would be avenged in daylight. The child conceived in adultery died,
and incest, rape, violence, family disintegration, and murder within
the family followed.
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Christian workers today fall into sexual temptation, and

those temptations are even more prevalent because of the Internet.
Even missionaries in developing nations often can access
pornography from all parts of the world. Unable to sleep, they may
surf the net, notice something interesting, click on other icons to
find out more, and download images and text. If they contact others
in chat rooms, the conversations may be discovered by spouses who
feel betrayed or by children who become disillusioned. Families can
disintegrate when either the husband or the wife becomes
romantically or sexually involved with others in cyberspace.
How do I know if my spouse or I have a problem with Internet
immorality?
Although none of the following alone indicate Internet
immorality, several of them together may do so. Spouses who have an
Internet problem may reveal it by showing some of the following:
Lack of interest in sex with spouse
Lack of interest in the family
Increasing demand for privacy
Change in sleep patterns, often up in the middle of the night
Decreasing attention to their other responsibilities
A pattern of lying about where they are or what they are doing
A change in personality
Likewise, although none of the following alone indicate
Internet immorality, several of them together may do so. You may
have an Internet problem if you have some of the following.
You believe the behavior is out of control.
You want to stop what you are doing.
You are spending large amounts of time on the Internet.
It takes increasingly graphic images and/or words to satisfy you.
You neglect more important matters to spend time on the Internet.
Great mood changes accompany your behavior.
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Time on the Internet interferes with your relationship with your

spouse.
You feel guilty or depressed afterward.
You think you would be better off if you did not keep giving in
to Internet pornography.
Effectiveness or concentration in your work decreases.
You use pornographic images or memories during sex with your
spouse.
For further resources on the Internet itself, check the following
web sites for more such questions.
www.pureintimacy.org Focus on the Family maintains a web site
for those struggling with online pornography themselves or who
have loved ones struggling.
www.sa.org Sexaholics Anonymous maintains a more general
web site for those struggling with sexual temptation.
What can I do if I have a problem with Internet immorality?

Since we are dealing with a problem that involves your
computer, you can do several things to clean up your computer use.
Most Internet service providers have some kind of filtering
software that will block access to pornographic sites, so use that.
One of the best filters available that neither underblocks
pornographic material nor overblocks appropriate health
information is the FamilyCLICK Internet filter at
www.familyclick.com . It is well worth the few dollars a month it
costs.
If you already have a filter but use a password to bypass the
blocked sites, have someone else put in a new password so you
cannot access some sites unless that friend is there.
Since everyone surfing the Internet or searching for something
specific on it is likely to at some time access an inappropriate site,
decide in advance that you will click on the back icon as soon
as you realize what it is, without looking at it in detail.
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Keep your computer in a public place in the house so that

others are around whenever you are using the computer.
Have someone hold you accountable by coming in at random
times to look at the history of sites you have visited on the
Internet.
On Internet Explorer a click on History will instantly bring
up a record of all sites you have visited during the time period
specified in your computer. These can be sorted by date, site,
or site most visited.
On Netscape Navigator a click on Communicator followed
by a click on Tools followed by a click on History will
instantly bring up a record of all sites you have visited during
the time period specified in your computer.
If you use another browser, it will also have a way to look at
the history. Of course, if you are not really serious about
overcoming your viewing Internet pornography, you can make
changes in your Internet options or delete sitesthat just
means you really are not wanting to be held accountable, not
really serious about overcoming your problem.
Have someone hold you accountable by stopping by at random
times to look at the cookies that have been placed in your
computer to see that there are none from pornographic sites.
If you carry your laptop to conferences, conventions, deputation,
etc, leave a list of where you will be staying every night and have
a friend call you every evening at random times to ask you how
you are doing.
Remove the modem from your computer so that you cannot
access the Internet at all.
Get rid of the computer itself.
Avoid discussing your Internet problem with an opposite-gender
friend because doing so often increases the intimacy of that
friendship, leading to temptation.
Just as 12-step programs for a variety of problems have been
adapted from that of Alcoholics Anonymous, so have 12-step
programs been adapted for people with sexual problems. These
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12-step programs are described on the web sites listed. Some

Christians have reservations about these programs because they
may refer to a Power greater than ourselves and God as we
understand Him rather than just referring to God or Christ.
However, since Christian workers know God, they are able to
interpose God or Christ for a Higher power and find these
programs valuable. Following are some of the twelve steps
adapted from Sexaholics Anonymous. See www.sa.org for a
complete presentation of the steps.
Admit to yourself and to God that you are powerless to control
this behavior on your own.
Admit to at least one other person of the same gender that you
are powerless to control your Internet activity on your own.
Have an accountability group or partner that you meet with
regularly (weekly, if possible) to report how you are doing and
hold you accountable.
Have accountability partners online who receive a history of the
web sites you visit each month. For a few dollars a month
Covenant Eyes will e-mail or snail-mail two persons of your
choice a history of all the Internet sites you visit. You will be able
to view your own history, but you will not be able to change it.
You may pick your own accountability partners, or they will find
one for you. See www.covenanteyes.com for more information.
Make a ruthlessly honest moral inventory of your life; it is likely
to include more than just Internet immorality.
Ask God to forgive what you have done and help you stop doing
it again.
Record in a journal every time you think of accessing
pornography on the Internet, and your response to it. Look for
patterns leading to accessing pornography and resisting the
temptation to do so.
Write a good-bye letter to your addiction, that problematic
companion who was always there but whom you never want to
see again.
Conventional wisdom says, Dont tell your spouse. What
spouses dont know will not hurt them. The truth is that spouses
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often know or suspect, and sometimes they discover what you

have downloaded or your correspondence with people in a chat
room.
Better wisdom is to admit to your spouse that you have a problem
and ask him or her how much he or she wants to know. Spare
your spouse all the gory details; the frequency of Internet access
may be enough.
Be very careful what pictures you hang on the walls of your
mind and what films you play in the theater of your mind.
Whenever illicit sexual pictures or films appear in your mind,
snap your wrist painfully with a loose fitting rubber band you
wear, and instantly begin thinking of an appropriate sexual
encounter, one that you have prescribed for yourself for just this
situation, such as sex with your spouse.
Engage in the following every day, and record them in your
journal.
Begin each day with prayer for resistance to Internet
temptation.
Call and report to a recovering buddy.
Read some recovery literature or devotionals.
End each day with prayers of thanksgiving for resistance (and
of confession, if necessary).
Check the Internet itself for resources on the following web sites.
www.sa.org
www.christians-in-recovery.com
www.sexaddict.com
www.pureintimacy.org
Read appropriate books recommended on the web sites above.
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about Sexual Abuse
We all wish it did not occur, and we avoid talking about it as if

it never happens. However the fact is that, like other children,
missionary kids (MKs) are sometimes sexually abused. In some cases
MKs may be in even more danger of sexual abuse (such as being
touched or touching inappropriately, being shown pornography,
having intercourse, etc.). If parents are frequently absent, leaving
their children with other missionaries, and telling their children to
respect and obey the other adults as they would their own parents,
those children are put under the authority of a greater spectrum of
adults, increasing their opportunity to run into an abuser. If the
parents have not had an open attitude about the discussion of
sexuality, their MKs may believe a perpetrator whom they know well
when that abuser tells them some activity is all right. Lets consider
where sexual abuse can occur, what are some signs of sexual abuse,
and what we can do to prevent it. (Note that we are talking about
sexual abuse involving an older person, not curiosity about sexual
differences between children of about the same age.)
Can it happen at home (incest)?
Of course, it can. It most often happens in families that appear
to be very close. However, they are too close; the family members
are too enmeshed. When the incest is discovered, family members
typically go through denial, shock, horror, anger, grief, and finally go
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on to some action (or decide not to act). The following are

characteristic of incestuous relationships.
Power Differences. Children are in a position of less power than
perpetrators (parent or older sibling). Holding lower positions and
respecting older persons, children find it very difficult to resist
sexual advances.
Betrayal of Trust. Families are expected to be places of safety and
security, places where children are nurtured and develop the
potential God has provided. Sexual abuse within the family
violates this basic function of the family.
Blame. Although unfair, other family members may blame the
abused children, accusing them of dressing or behaving
provocatively. Children may blame themselves for letting the
sexual activity occur, for participating in the affection and
attention, or for actually enjoying the physical sensations and
closeness (if they did).
Secrecy. Children may remain silent because of shame, fear,
ignorance or because they do not know how to explain what is
happening.
Can it happen with other missionaries?
Of course, it can. When it does, it often has many of the same
characteristics as incest (sexual abuse within a family). In fact, many
mission agencies refer to themselves as missionary families in
which each child has many aunts and uncles who are not blood
relatives, but to whom the children feel close. Like biological
families, such missionary families living together in another culture
may become too enmeshed so that they become dysfunctional, and
sexual abuse may happen to children as well as single female
missionaries. These relationships have the same characteristics as
incest.
Power Differences. Children on a given field are encouraged to
respect and obey other missionaries as they do their parents.
Single women may also be under the authority of the perpetrator
and be somewhat flattered to receive attention. This is especially
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true of the perpetrator is the spiritual and moral leader of the

group who is in the spotlight of many worship services.
Betrayal of Trust. Children and single women expect the
missionary community (family) to give them protection and care
in the host culture. Sexual abuse within that community betrays
such trust.
Blame. The missionary community (family) may blame the child
or the single woman for seducing their colleague or leader.
Likewise, the victims may also begin to blame themselves.
Secrecy. Sexual abuse in the missionary family may be even
more secret because if it becomes known, it will bring shame on
the missionary enterprise, Gods work.
Can it happen at boarding school?

Of course, it can. Cases of such abuse have received wide
publicity during the 90s with schools and churches apologizing to
those abused. Again the family model is used with the students
living in houses with others who are like brothers or sisters their age,
and the people in charge are their dorm parents.
Power Differences. Students are to respect and obey their
surrogate parents and love their surrogate siblings.
Betrayal of Trust. The school family is to be a place of protection
and care.
Blame. Again victims may blame themselves or be blamed by
others.
Secrecy. Revealing the abuse will bring disgrace on the school.
If it is a Christian school, revealing the abuse will also bring
disgrace on the cause of Christ.
Can it happen in the host culture?
Again the answer is a resounding Yes! In this case it is
abuse coming from outside the family, so it is not a betrayal of trust
and seldom is the victim blamed, but the secrecy is still there in the
sense that it is often not talked about.
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One adult MK described walking through a bustling

marketplace at the age of 16 with a friend. Suddenly a man on a
bicycle veered toward them so that the man could reach out and grab
the friends breast. The two of them walked on without breaking
stride. Their conversation continued uninterrupted. Although it is
painfully seared on her memory, never in 25 years did the two of
them ever mention it.
Some cultures view women as intrinsically inferior to men in
nearly every way rather than as image-bearers of God who are to be
respected. Sometimes female MKs are told to ignore the stares, rude
gestures, touches, and pinches. They may come to believe that their
feelings of fear, indignation, and humiliation are wrong rather than
seeing the abuse as what is wrong. They are expected to treat such
things as insignificant, something to get used to, a part of adapting to
the culture.
Boys as well as girls may be sexually molested. In fact, some
cultures routinely masturbate boys to calm them, and sodomy can
occur in any culture.
What are some signs of sexual abuse?
Some children who are being sexually abused function quite
normally and do not have any obvious symptoms. Others have only
general symptoms that could indicate a variety of other problems
related to growing up. The most certain way to know about abuse is
when individuals report it.
Some physical conditions may indicate sexual abuse. If a
child has bruises or bleeding in the genital or anal areas, foreign
bodies in the vagina or rectum, pain or itching in the genital area,
stained or bloody underclothing, painful discharge of urine, or
difficulty walking or sitting, they should be examined by a physician.
It is important not to make accusations of sexual abuse because any or
all of these conditions may have other causes, and a missionarys
reputation and effectiveness can be destroyed by a false accusation.
Some behaviors may indicate sexual abuse. Children who
force sexual acts on others, talk a lot about sexual activity, engage in
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sexual games unusual for children their age, have an unusual

knowledge of sexual things, engage in sexually aggressive behaviors,
have an unusual interest in sexual things, or have an unusual fear of
men may have been sexually abused. Again, any of these may have
other causes, and accusations must not be made on the basis of them
alone.
What can we do?
Although sexual predators will always be with us, there are
several things we can do to minimize the damage they do.
Talk about it (early, regularly, age-appropriately). Teach children
the difference between good touch, bad touch, and confusing
touch as well as the difference between good secrets and bad
secrets. Tell children where they can go if trouble occurs and
make it clear that no matter what happens, no sexual activity with
an older person should be kept secret. Let them know that
sometimes people, even people they trust, may try to touch them
inappropriately or get them to do something that seems to be
wrong as part of a game or secret. If this occurs they should say
no and not do the wrong thing.
Believe them. If a child reports abuse, tell them that you believe
them (even though Uncle John seems to be the most childloving, spiritual missionary you know). Do not jump to
conclusions but stay calm and listen. Do not ask leading
questions (Did he touch you there?), but write down word-forword exactly what the child said describing the abuse as soon as
possible after talking with the child. Affirm the childs feelings
(Its OK to be angry, frightened, etc.) and reassure him or her that
you will continue to be there whenever needed.
Report it. Even though the alleged perpetrator may be an
important spiritual leader in your agency, take some action. If
your agency has procedures for taking action against people who
do wrong, follow those procedures. If not, take whatever action
you can in your situation. This is as much to prevent abuse of
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others as it is to stop abuse of the child involved. Abusers often
repeat the offense and must be stopped.
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33
about Maintaining Sexual Purity
While watching TV, you have noticed that you pick up on

something you have seen or heard, and your thoughts become more
sexual. You have also noticed how attractive that other person at the
office is, and you have begun imagining You are taken by surprise
because missionaries like you are so deeply committed to Christ. You
are on the frontlines of spiritual battles, taking Christ to people who
have never heard. Such missionaries certainly would not get into
sexual sin, would they?
Of course, they would. For centuries military personnel in any
conflict have been notorious for their sexual immorality. Engaged in
physical/ideological battles in strange cultures far from family,
friends, community, and church, they engage in sexual exploits. Why
would you expect any less temptation for you, as you engage in the
spiritual battles against the forces of evil? You are lonely. With
social support absent, emotional needs unmet, and living in a strange
culture with greater sexual freedom than at home, why would Satan
not take advantage of you as well?
Most missionaries can quote 1 Corinthians 10:13, No
temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is
faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But
when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can
stand up under it. Seized is the proper word because sexual
temptation can become so strong that a person is willing to give up
everythingrelationships with God, spouse, and family; reputation,
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ministry, everything. Before quoting the verse above and thinking

you are surely safe, read the verse before it, These things happened
to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on
whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are
standing firm, be careful that you dont fall! (1 Corinthians 10: 1112)
Same-Old. Same-Old. New-New!
The Bible specifies three intertwined sources of temptation,
commonly called the world, the flesh, and the Devil. Two of these
are relatively unchanged since Paul wrote the letter to the Ephesians,
but one has changed dramatically during the last century,
The Devil, the ruler of the kingdom of the air (Ephesians
2:2). As he has done for thousands of years, at some times the
devil goes around as a roaring lion looking for someone to devour,
but more often relative to sexual temptation he slips in almost
unnoticed, sowing small seeds that will grow into sinful behavior.
The Flesh, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and
following its desires and thoughts (Ephesians 2:3). Missionaries
are tempted simply because they are human. As James puts it,
Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged
away and enticed (1:14). Human nature has not changed over
the years, so people today are tempted just as they were when
James wrote that 200 years ago.
The World when you followed the ways of this world
(Ephesians 2:2). The writer to the Romans (12: 2) warned to not
conform any longer to the pattern of this world. The ways of
the world and the pattern of the world have not changed
relative to sexual temptation since Pauls time. However these
sexual temptations literally come through the air and the walls as
the prince of the power of the air sends them into missionaries
homes through radios, TV satellite receivers, email, and Internet
connections.
The Devil and the Flesh are relatively unchanged, but
technology in our world is new. Even after the invention of printing,
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missionaries could be quite effective in keeping obscene,

pornographic, and suggestive material out of their homes. However,
most missionaries today are required to have at least email, if not
Internet connections. Since about 40% of all email is spam and about
30% of all spam is pornographic, about one in every eight emails is
pornographic, and some of it will get through even the best filters.
Filters block many pornographic sites on the Internet, but some still
gets throughand pop-ups may suddenly appear on your screen at
any time.
What can missionaries do in this new world to maintain sexual
purity? As is so often the case, the answer to resisting temptation is in
what we call the Great Commandment, originating when the Law was
given to Moses and cited by Jesus himself.
Love God
The most important thing missionaries can do to maintain
sexual purity is to love God with their whole beings, their heart, soul,
strength, and mind (Luke 10, Deuteronomy 6). Your relationship to
God must take top priority
Have a daily, consistent devotional time to maintain your
relationship with God. Include at least reading Scripture,
meditating, and praying. (Bible study for sermon preparation,
writing, teaching preparation, and so forth does not count!)
Make a specific commitment to God to live a holy life free of
sexual sin. Write this commitment down and place it where you
will see it daily (desk, mirror, etc.)
Study, meditate on, memorize, and apply Scripture on this topic.
Note that in the major passages where the Bible talks about being
holy it is in the context of sexual sin (Leviticus 18-20, I
Corinthians 5-7). Review these periodically on a regular basis.
Love Others
The second most important thing missionaries can do to
maintain sexual purity is to love others (Luke 10, Leviticus 19). Your
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love relationships with others must have a high priority as well.

Relative to sexual purity this would include the following.
Learn the cues in your host country that signal sexual purity and
sexual availability. These include such things as dress, eye
contact, posture, gestures, and so forth.
Be aware that even within cultures people vary widely on the
meaning of touch. Something you consider indicating only
friendship may be interpreted as sexual by another person. Touch
is not improper, but be aware that what you mean as good touch
may be interpreted by another as bad touch or erotic touch.
Be especially alert when in high risk situations, such as being
alone with another person, spending prolonged time working with
another person, and so forth.
Meet weekly an accountability partner (or group) to answer
specific questions about your sexual purity.
If married, make your relationship with your spouse of highest
priority (of all people). Set aside regular times to be together, just
as you set aside time for God. Spouses who do not communicate
on a regular basis about how they really feel grow further and
further apart, regardless of how close they think they are.
If married, make the same commitment to your spouse (relative
to sexual purity) that you make to God.
If married, be intentional about meeting the emotional, physical,
and spiritual needs of your spouse.
Love Yourself
The third most important thing that missionaries can do to
maintain sexual purity is to love themselves, to care for themselves as
they care for others.
Accept your own vulnerability. 1 Corinthians 10:12 reminds us
that if we think we are standing firm, we must be careful or we
will fall.
List (actually write them down) sexual things you will not do,
such as those found in Leviticus 18-20.
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List sexual things that may be permissible but not beneficial,

things that may master you as in 1 Corinthians 6. These are things
not specifically mentioned in Scripture, such as certain movies,
music, TV shows, books, Internet sites, and so forth. These are
not necessarily sinful, but they may lead to sinful behavior.
Concentrate on renewing your mind as described in Colossians
3 and in Ephesians 4. Take every thought captive to make it
obedient to God as described in 2 Corinthians 10. Think on the
kinds of things mentioned in Philippians 4.
Avoid danger zones for you. If you know that you are tempted
visually, do not watch videos or TV shows that you know will
contain graphic sexual images. If you know that you are tempted
verbally, do not visit Internet chat rooms or read explicit romance
novels.
Develop an early warning system to increase your awareness of
problems coming. Knowing that you will be talking with an
accountability partner is likely to make you more aware of danger
zones. If you are married and feel the slightest attraction for
someone other than your spouse, take action immediately.
Develop a plan for combating temptations which will occur in
spite of your attempts to avoid them. If your greatest temptation
is visual images, train your eyes to bounce away from such
images as soon as they appear. If your temptation is through
touch, train yourself to withdraw as soon as any touch becomes
erotic.
Joseph was a handsome, single, young man with hormones
raging (just past puberty) when he was taken to a different culture.
When his boss wife asked him to have sex with her, he politely
refused and gave her good reasons for his refusal. He refused her
repeated requests. One time when he went to work and they were
alone in the house, she grabbed his coat and asked for sex, but he left
his coat and ran out of the house. You can maintain your sexual
purity too, but you may have to run from a person, or your computer!
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Part 5.
Relationships with Others
Difficulties in relationships are one of the leading causes of

missionary attrition. One of the characteristics of good leaders is to
care for those who follow them, not just to organize them to get the
task done. Although many people do not realize it, some causes of
relationship problems are the differences in generations, and the
chapter about each other presents some of those differences.
Every missionary ought to know something about managing
conflict; therefore, the chapter about conflict presents ways to resolve
those conflicts that arise between missionaries. When we pray the
Lords prayer, we ask God to forgive our sins as we forgive those
who sin against us. The chapter about forgiveness shows what this
means and how we can go about it. Ideally, we can go beyond
forgiveness to reconciliation as well, but since reconciliation depends
on both people, it is not always possible.
about Relationships
Making and maintaining friendships on the field has been so

difficult. You begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you.
Why are relationships so difficult? What do relationships have to do
with the Great Commission anyway? How can we make friends?
What if some friendships just dont work? Lets consider some of
these questions.
What do relationships have to do with the Great Commission?
They are central to it. In the Great Commission Jesus told us
to go and make disciples of all people groups. If people are going to
become disciples, they have to recognize that you are disciplesand
want to become like you. Jesus said that people will know that you
are his disciples if you love each other (John 13:35). In the previous
verse, he had called his command to love one another, a new
command, but it was really a re-newed command. It was first given
back in Leviticus, then quoted by Jesus when he was asked about the
Greatest Commandment. He said to love God and to love your
neighbor as yourself.
Certainly the Great Commission involves preaching and
teaching people to love God. However, that may be easier than
obeying that second great command, the command to love each other.
When nationals look at friendships among missionaries, do they say,
Look how they love each other! If not, perhaps your friendships
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need some improvement so that you can better carry out the Great
Commission of making disciples. If people do not recognize that you
are disciples and want to become like you, your ministry may be quite
fruitless.
Why are missionary friendships so difficult?
Making and maintaining friendships is difficult for most
people. People are different in many ways, and may feel threatened
or may let stereotypes keep them from forming close friendships.
Some people are morning types, others evening types. Some work
fast and have everything done early, others complete things at the last
minute. People have different personality traits, such as some being
extraverts and others introverts. Some people are quite mature, others
immature. In addition to these general factors, other more specific
ones make it even more difficult for missionaries to develop and
maintain close friendships.
Time. In your home country everyone is busy, but on the field
there is even more to keep you busy. The hassles of everyday life,
such as getting and preparing food, paying bills and getting things
repaired all take longer. You have to maintain relationships with
supporters.
Mobility. At home people move, but changing your residence
twice every five years is built into missionary lifeon the field
four years, home one. At home, deputation keeps you on the road.
On the field, you frequently move even during your term.
Expectations. Although people back home disappoint you,
other missionaries may do so even more often because you expect
more of them. They ought to know what you need and meet that
need. Where is their love?
We have a good example of this in the disciples who were an
evangelism team of twelve to reach Palestine. Jesus was the field
director. The disciples had been called, had gone through the
selection process, had left their jobs, had gone through orientation,
and had gone out in teams of two. They had gone through training and
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had served for nearly three years. You would certainly expect that
they would have things down pretty well.
Lets pick up the story in Mark 9. The disciples had been
arguing about who was the greatest. Jesus calls them around and
points out that whoever wants to be first has to be last and servant of
all. In Mark 10 they meet the rich young man who would not give up
his possessions. When Peter points out that the disciples had given up
home and family to travel and spread the good news, Jesus agrees and
reviews the teaching about the first being last and the last first. Even
after two clear lessons, as they travel on toward Jerusalem, James and
John (or their mother) ask to be first in the kingdom. When the other
ten hear about this, they become indignant with James and John
those two should know better! However, rather than scolding them,
Jesus calls the disciples around and again reviews the lesson:
Whoever wants to be great must be the servant of others.
How do we form such relationships?
To live so that people will know that we are his disciples by
our love for each other is not easy in todays world, but it can be
done. Of course, you cannot be intimate friends with everyone, so
after you have chosen people with whom you would like to develop
such a relationship, try the following to form friendships.
Time. Friendships take time. Your response may be that you just
do not have time, that you have to prioritize your schedule. If you
believe it is important for people to recognize that you are his
disciples, you may want to start scheduling your priorities. Time
allotted each week to developing missionary relationships will
make you more effective, less likely to quit missionary work,
more likely to be happy, and less likely to become ill.
Affirmation. One can live for several weeks on one good
compliment. However, most of us go for months without giving
or receiving any. When was the last time you gave a firm
compliment to build someone up and strengthen relationships?
Trust. Spending time together in an affirming atmosphere is
likely soon to lead to the development of trust. As time increases
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so may the trust--but you must be very careful never to betray a
trust. Trust takes months or years to build, and only seconds to
destroy.
Communication. Some people have never really had someone
give full attention and really listen. Sometimes we hear what
people are saying with words, but not with their hearts.
Vulnerability. When trustworthy people care and really listen, we
tend to open up and become more vulnerable, more honest with
each other rather than being on guard.
We all need a group of supporting friends. People from

individualistic Western cultures often think that all they need for their
ministry is Jesus and me, but they are suffering from angel
syndrome, believing that they do not have the same needs as
ordinary people just because they have been called into the Lords
service.
What about cliques?
Isnt there a danger of forming exclusive groups that ignore
others on the field? Of course, there is, but you can take precautions
to see that it does not happen. For example, agree that you will not
spend time together at church or at field events. Make it a point to
have someone else in your home for each time you have someone
from your group over.
What if it doesnt work?
That will almost certainly happen with some people. It is
unlikely that every attempt at friendship will result in the kind of
relationship described here. If not, try again elsewhere. Except for
those in very isolated areas, most missionaries today are near
missionaries from other organizations, and that is a good place to
look, even a good place to begin. If your friends are all from the same
agency, you may be setting yourselves up for burnout as you
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increasingly discuss mission business rather than building

relationships.
Do it!
As is so often the case, we know what we should do, we just
dont do it. In Luke 10 an expert in the law asks Jesus what he has to
do for eternal life. Jesus asks him what was in the law. The man
replies by giving the great commandment, including, love your
neighbor as yourself.
Jesus tells him he is right, Do this and you will live.
However, trying to justify his lack of relationships, the man asks who
his neighbor is. Jesus tells the story (a cross-cultural one, at that)
about the Samaritan who helped after the two religious men had
ignored the man in need. When Jesus asks who was the neighbor, the
expert in the law answers correctly. Jesus again tells him to go and do
the same.
Like the expert in the law, our problem is often not in finding
out what to do, but in actually doing what we see to be right. In Mark
12 another teacher commenting on Jesus giving the great
commandment observes that to love God and to love your neighbor
as you love yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and
sacrifices (v. 33). Jesus notes that this is a wise answer. That is,
loving your neighbor may be more important than many of the
professional missionary things you do.
Spending much time in the business of missionary work
may be a symptom that one is avoiding the hard work of building and
maintaining relationships--that one is trying to fill the need for close
human relationships with busy-ness. The single most helpful
earthly resource for combating stress is social supportfeeling
comfortable sharing with others and then actually sharing with others
who are positive and supportive.
If more missionaries developed intimate friendship
relationships, they would be happier, healthier, and would require less
missionary care. By the missionaries love for each other, nationals
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would recognize that they were Jesus disciples and may want to
become disciples as well.
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35
about Comparison and Envy
You may have noticed that some missionaries are always

unhappy, comparing themselves with others and wishing they had
what others have. The list of things they wish for seems to be
endless, including such things as being able to speak the language
better, better housing, higher salary, larger classes, fewer committee
assignments, more spirituality, more people attending their church,
less paperwork, a better vehicle, and so forth.
If you are completely honest, you have probably noticed the
same thing in yourself. You have wanted what someone else has.
When you get it, you feel happy for a short time; then you want
moreor you want something else.
This never-ending cycle is as old as humanity itself. In Genesis 3
the serpent appealed to Eve by noting that if she ate the forbidden
fruit she would be like God. She was already made in Gods image,
but she wanted more. She ate, and sin entered.
In Genesis 4 Cain wanted the same blessing Abel had
received, so he killed his brother (as if that would get Gods blessing).
Read on through the heroes of the faith in Genesis.
Abraham: his wife wanted the child that her maid had (Genesis
16).
Isaac: one son wanted the blessing the other one got. (Genesis 27).
Jacob: ten sons wanted the attention their younger brother had
(Genesis 37).
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Over and over unhappy people compared themselves with

others and envied what others had. Since this phenomenon is so
pervasive and is found throughout history, let us look at the
relationship between happiness, comparison, and envy.
Happiness
You may be satisfied with what you have until you find out
what others have. Using the apartment example, you may feel a little
cramped in your 900 square foot apartment, but not even be thinking
abut how small it is until you walk into a couple of your colleagues
new apartments and find that they have more space than youboth of
them have nearly 1200 square feet!
People usually compare themselves with those they consider
to be equal to, or slightly above, them. When they find out that those
others have more, they become dissatisfied with what had made them
happy.
This is illustrated in the parable Jesus told his disciples in
Matthew 20. He told about the owner of a vineyard who early in the
morning agreed to pay several men a denarius for a days work. Four
more times during the day he hired more workers and sent them in.
When he paid everyone a denarius at the end of the day, the men hired
early were unhappy and complained. They were happy with their
wages until they found out what the others were paid.
These comparisons where we feel like we have come up short
often lead not only to unhappiness, but also to envy.
The second paragraph of the U. S. Declaration of

Independence begins with We hold these truths to be self-evident,
that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator
with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty
and the pursuit of Happiness. One must remember that this is a
political statement, not Scripture. All people are not created equal
except at the foot of the cross.
Believing that all people should be equal, contemporary
Americans frequently make comparisons and are unhappy to find that
people are not equal. One must also note that the Declaration says
only that one has the right to pursue happiness (not that everyone will
find it).
Happiness depends on two factors.
First, happiness depends on your past experience, especially your
recent past experience. For example, suppose you have lived in
an apartment with 900 square feet for five years and your agency
gives you one with 1200 square feet. It will feel very large, and
you will be much happier with itfor a while. However, you will
soon adapt to the new size, and your happiness will drop back to
what it was in the smaller apartment. The same is true for an
increase in salary, fewer committees, a new vehicle, and so forth.
There is always an increase in happiness, followed by a gradual
return to the original level as you adapt.
Ecclesiastes 5:10 refers to this when it says, Whoever loves
money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never
satisfied with his income. No matter how much money you make,
how large living space you have, or what kind of vehicle you get,
adaptation will occur, and you will want more.
Second, your happiness also depends on what other people have.

So let us now consider comparisons with others.
Comparison
Envy
Rather than just feeling dissatisfied, we want what the other
people havewe envy them. Envy grows out of coveting and being
unable to have the desired object, such as the 1200 square foot
apartment. Envy is more than just coveting what another person has.
It is not being able to have the larger apartment because someone else
has it. No one easily confesses to such envy because it seems to be
the nastiest and meanest of the seven cardinal sins.
Furthermore, envy can never result in gratificationno
enjoyment, only endless self-torment as its appetite increases. Envy is
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not merely wanting anothers good, but wanting to pull the other
person down. This leads to resentment, backbiting, spite, accusation,
hatred, and even murder, as we saw with Cain and Abel.
Envy eventually spreads to all of our attitudes and
relationships. King Sauls envy of David after the Goliath episode is
well known. Note in 1 Samuel 18 how this envy spread to other
things about David.
Son Jonathans love for David (v. 3)
Songs about Saul and David (v 8)
Davids relationship with God (v 14)
Davids success in everything (v 15, 30)
Daughter Michals love (v 20, 28)
Also note how his behavior spread to other relationships.
Tried to kill David twice (18:10-11)
Told Jonathan and attendants to kill David (19:1)
Accused Michal of deception (19:17)
Tried to kill Jonathan (20:33)
Envious people do not even really love themselves. They are
not grateful for, or happy in, what they are or what they have. This
sin is deadly, less because it destroys people, than because it will not
let them live. It does not let them live as themselves grateful for the
qualities and talents that God has given them, making the best and
most rewarding use of those gifts. Their degradation of others is a
reflection of their degradation of themselves. These people wind up
alienated from themselves as well as others and miss the party like
the elder brother of the prodigal son in Luke 15.
What can one do?
Few people readily admit their sin of envy. It is so filled with
self, wanting something because someone else has it, that it seems to
be completely mean and nasty. Whenever we notice differences
between us and others, we are likely to begin making comparisons,
and those comparisons often lead to envy. Since few of us escape
feelings of envy, what can we do when the Spirit makes us aware of
our envy? What can we do to avoid falling into this trap?
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Confess and repent. As with any other sin, we are to confess it,
and God has promised to forgive (1 John 1). If we deny our sin,
we deceive ourselves and remain in it. When we are forgiven, we
are to repent, not only to feel sorrow for the wrong we have done
but also to turn from the sin itself. Following are ways to help
you turn from envy, to avoid it rather than be trapped by it.
Compare self with self. If you must make comparisons, compare
yourself with yourself. Galatians 4:6 says, Each man should
examine his own conduct for himself; then he can measure his
achievement by comparing himself with himself and not with
anyone else. Compare your apartment, salary, vehicle, and so
forth now with what you had 10 or 20 years ago, not with what
others have.
Compare with those who have less. Rather than comparing
yourself with people who have more, compare yourself with those
who have less. Compare your apartment with the living
conditions of the homeless. Compare your salary with the
unemployed. Compare your vehicle with those who have no
vehicle at all. Just as comparing yourself with those who are
better off creates envy, so comparing yourself with those less
well-off increases contentment. In fact, as you count your
blessings, you may be motivated to share them with others. Such
sharing will increase your satisfaction even more!
Accept that nothing (no thing) brings lasting happiness. No
matter what you have, you will soon adapt to it and want
something better, whether it is housing, salary, vehicle, position,
language ability, people in church, and so forth. Research in the
late 20th century showed that relationships were most highly
correlated with happiness. Specifically the following
relationships:
With God: having a meaningful religious faith
With others: having close friendships or a satisfying marriage
With yourself: having high self-esteem, being optimistic,
getting enough sleep and exercise.
Although you cannot find happiness by pursuing it, happiness
may find you as you are careful about comparisons, avoid envy, and
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keep the Great Commandment to love God and to love others as you
love yourself.
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36
about Leadership
Like nearly all missionaries, at some time or other you are in a

position of leadership: planting churches, directing a work team, or
teaching in school (or Sunday school, or English). You may feel
pressure from above to reach goals and pressure from below to help
those you supervise meet their needs. What are you to do? In such a
position of leadership, Nehemiah gives good answers. Who was
Nehemiah? What did he do? How did he lead? When did he lead?
Why did he lead? Did he succeed? Although not everyone has the
same style and uses the same methods, let us consider Nehemiah as
one example of Godly leadership.
Who was Nehemiah?
Like missionaries, Nehemiah was living in another culture,
working in a position of responsibility there. He was cupbearer to the
king. When visitors arrived from his passport country, he inquired
about the people back home and about the capitol city.
However, much more important than his occupational title were his
personal characteristics. When he heard that the people back home
were disgraced and the walls of the city were burned and broken, he
wept, mourned, fasted and prayed.
He was:
Compassionate. He wept and mourned for his people and his
country.
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Caring. He fasted, prayed and took action, encouraging the

people.
Committed. He got the job done, cared for his people, and was
faithful to God.
Consistent. Even those he reprimanded could find nothing
negative to say about him.
Courageous. He persevered in the face of threats, ridicule, and
opposition from both the outside and inside.
For nearly a century some of his people must have said,
Somebody ought to do something about those walls. Others must
have replied, Nothing can be done. Because of his character,
Nehemiah felt responsible to take some action.
What did he do?

The most obvious answer to this is that he built the wall.
Although little had been accomplished in 90 years, he had the wall
completed in only 52 days, less than two months.
More important than building the wall was that, as their
leader, he took care of his people. He was concerned about:
Safety. He directed them in defending themselves from people of
other cultures opposed their work.
Justice. When people of their passport culture took advantage of
them back home by charging exorbitant interest rates, Nehemiah
confronted the lenders.
Spiritual renewal. He saw that someone led his people in hearing
Gods word, confession, worship, celebration, and praise.
Consolidation of his gains. Nehemiah did not leave the capitol
city nearly empty but got one in ten of the families to volunteer to
live there.
Forethought. He anticipated needs and drafted plans to avoid
pitfalls.
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How did he lead?

More important than being cupbearer to the king (who he was)
or that he built the wall in 52 days (what he did) is how he did it. He
did it all in ways that brought glory to God and a sense of fulfillment
to those under his supervision. Here are some of the ways he did it:
Prayed. After he first heard the bad news and reacted to it, we
have recorded his prayer of adoration, confession, reminder of the
covenant, and petition for success.
Overcame his fears. Although he was very much afraid of what
the king in the culture where he was living and working would
say, he responded when asked about his problem. He knew that
the king would probably not be very excited about rebuilding the
capitol of a conquered nationNehemiahs passport country.
Was tactfully open to superiors. He began by appropriately
addressing the king and then sharing his problem at the kings
request. He responded to each of the kings questions by asking
more and more from him, including letters of recommendation.
Shared his vision. After deciding what should be done, he shared
his vision with the local leaders in his passport country.
Gave God the glory. From the beginning he acknowledged that
his success was due to Gods grace.
Faced ridicule. When people of other cultures mocked and
ridiculed him and the people he was leading, he again affirmed his
confidence in God.
Delegated the work. He assigned people to work on various parts
of the walloften the parts in front of their own houses. What
motivationthose who did poor workmanship or did not
complete their part of the wall would be the first to suffer the
consequences of their lack of diligence.
Emphasized cooperation rather than competition. He had forty
distinct groups working together on a project, something of a
miracle for those who have tried to get even two churches or
mission agencies to work together.
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Faced opposition realistically. When the people of other cultures

became incensed so that they despised and ridiculed Nehemiahs
work force, he responded with prayer and the posting of guards.
Encouraged his workers. He acknowledged their fears and
reminded them of their great awesome God.
Developed contingency plans. He had half of the people working
and the others standing guard. He further arranged for defenders
to come at once to the sounding of the trumpet when those at
another part of the wall were threatened.
Confronted internal dissention. When the controversy arose over
people from the home country charging the workers interest, he
immediately called a large meeting to resolve the issue.
Did not take the perks. Nehemiah did not lord it over his workers
but out of reverence for God did not take even the food to which
he was entitled, nor did he acquire any land.
Kept to the task. Rather than taking the perks, he said, Instead, I
devoted myself to the work on this wall. (Nehemiah 5:16)
Notice that most of the how he did it things were more
about his character than they were about techniques for motivating his
workers to get the job done. Also note that after the wall was built
Nehemiah was not the one to read Gods word to the people, but he
stepped aside for Ezra to do so.
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why he was there, he did a secret survey at night to get a

comprehensive view of the project.
Once the project was underway, everyone worked from dawn to
dusk. There was no hesitation at that time. (Note that this
schedule was for 7.5 weeks, not for a lifetime.)
Why did he lead?

Of course, part of the reason was the kind of person he was.
He was a concerned, caring, compassionate person who identified
deeply with his people who were hundreds of miles away in his
homeland. When he heard of their trouble and disgrace, his response
was to sit down, weep, and mourn.
His next responses were prayer and fasting. He went beyond
merely empathizing with them and carried their problem to God over
a period of several months. All Christians, including missionaries,
should make this prayerful response for people in times of need.
After months of prayer he was convinced that he had to do
more about the need, something that involved his personal
involvement. In Nehemiah 2:12, he talked about what my God had
put in my heart to do for Jerusalem. What a clear call from God to a
specific task!
When did he lead?
Did he succeed?
Nehemiah did not rush right into action as soon as he heard

the bad news, but he carefully took one step at a time.
Four months after he talked with the delegation from his passport
country (the month of Kisley) he spoke with the king (the month
of Nisan). During that time he wept, mourned, fasted and prayed.
He did not leave the country where he was living without
permission from the king and letters of introduction, rather like
getting visas before international travel.
He did not immediately call the people of Jerusalem together to
get them working on the wall. Instead, before even telling anyone
He succeeded on both counts. He completed the task to which

God had called him, and he took care of his people while
accomplishing the task. He not only built the wall, but he also
brought about changes that would keep the wall in place for many
years by restoring to the people of God their identity and giving them
a common purpose
Of course, not everyone succeeds in all tasks attempted.
Leaders need to be prepared for the frustration of failure even when
obeying God completely. Repentance by the people did not occur
under the leadership of every prophet.
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This brochure is just an introduction to what this book of the

Bible says about Nehemiahs leadership. If you are in a position of
leadership, reading this book annually (or even more often) will serve
as a regular checkup for you personally as a leader and for your style
of leadership. As you study his word, God himself will emphasize
what you need at that particular time.
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37
about Each Other:
From Builders to Busters
I just dont understand them at all. They are so different

from me and from the missionaries who came to the field when I did.
The way they think just doesnt make any sense at all to me. Who
are we? Are we really different? If so, how are we different? Why
are we different? Can we work together effectively? Let us explore
some of these questions.
Who are we?
George Barna, founder of the Barna Research Group, has
studied the characteristics of people born at different times in the
United States. Three groups of such people are now in the
missionary force.
Builders. People born before 1945, before the end of World War
II, were intent on building a comfortable lifestyle and building
America into an economic and military super-power. As
missionaries they were (and are) hardworking, committed, frugal,
and ready to go anywhere at any time and do anything necessary
to take the gospel to all people groups.
Boomers. People born during the twenty years following World
War II (1946-1965) were the baby boom, the war babies. Born
into prosperity, they became well-educated, questioning,
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protesting, idealistic, and tolerant of many different lifestyles. As
missionaries they brought specialized knowledge, a desire to
continue their personal and professional development, and a
greater emphasis on caring for their families.
Busters. People born during the next two decades (1965-1984)
were called the baby busters because there were fewer of them.
The baby busters, children of the boomers, grew up in a world
different from that of any previous generation. Many who came
from broken homes and were victims of violence feel alienated,
forgotten, cheated, and disillusioned with life. As missionaries
looking for meaning in life, they are interested in spiritual things,
open, honest, and aware of their needs. As such they make good
team members.
How are we different?

Builders, boomers, and busters are different in too many ways
to discuss here. However, here are some of the major differences
between builders and busters especially relevant to missions. Of
course, the boomers are somewhere between the builders and the
busters on many issues, and they have additional differences with
both. All of these differences are generalizations that are not true in
every case, but they are often found in members of each group.
Length of service. Builders are likely to be career missionaries
who expect to spend their lives with one people group or agency.
Busters are often short-term missionaries who expect to work on a
project for a few years at the most, then return home.
Loyalty to agency. Builders are likely to stay with their mission
for life no matter what. Busters may leave when they become
dissatisfied with something in the mission.
Word meanings. The missionary family may mean life-long
commitment to certain values. Busters are more likely to think of
that family in terms of support and relationships.
Expected leadership. Builders usually respond well to
authoritarian leadership, such as sitting in rows and accepting
what the Bible expert tells them. Busters often want participatory
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leadership, such as sitting in a circle for Bible study, a circle in

which anyones interpretation of Scripture is as valid as any other.
Orientation. Builders are often task oriented and want to get the
job done. Busters are likely to be social-emotionally oriented and
believe that relationships are more important than turning in a
good report to headquarters at the end of the year.
Womens roles. Women builders usually see their part as
supporting their husbands. Women busters typically want to work
in equal authority with their husbands.
Choosing an agency. Builders frequently go with an agency to
which they are called or one serving a people or country to which
they are called. Busters tend to go with an agency that seems the
most caringa mission that will care for them.
Expectations of agency. Builders often ask, What can I do for
my mission? They wonder whether the job will be big enough.
Busters are more likely to ask, What can my mission do for me?
They wonder whether the benefits package will be big enough.
Attitude toward nationals. Builders are likely to take positions of
leadership and be somewhat reluctant to turn responsibility over to
the nationals. Busters often work well under the authority of the
national leadership.
Attitude toward conflict. Builders tend to deny that they are in
conflict or approach the conflict indirectly. Busters usually
openly acknowledge the presence of conflict and approach its
resolution directly.
Need for care. Builders tend to be independent and self-sufficient,
saying they can make it on their own. Busters are much more
likely to openly admit that they need help.
Learning styles. Builders tend to be cognitive and emphasize such
things as correct theology and biblical interpretation. Busters are
often experiential and want time to experience God, to meditate
and to relate to him.
Spirituality and discipline. Builders are often highly disciplined
and have their devotions daily. Although very interested in
spiritual things, busters often find it difficult to maintain a
consistent devotional life.
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These differences, and many others, are not just minor ones
but may be large enough to cause significant disagreement between
builders and busters. On the one hand, builders may to think of
busters as immature, lazy, materialistic, lacking ethics or morality,
disrespectful, and emotionally unstable. On the other hand busters
may think of builders as rigid, inflexible, old-fashioned, cautious,
predictable, boring and more interested in the past than in the future.
Why are we different?
Western culture, particularly that in the United States, between
1970 and 2000 (busters developing) was quite different from that
between 1930 and 1960 (builders developing). Although builders and
busters may have grown up in the same country, they grew up in quite
different cultures. Since their developmental years were spent in
these different cultures, they have often internalized different values.
Missionaries today are aware of the problems that face
multinational teams, and they have come to terms with many of these
problems. Cultural problems between missionaries from different
countries have been recognized and dealt with to some extent.
However, cultural problems between missionaries from the same
country are often not recognized as being similar.
Included in those cross-cultural problems are the much deeper
philosophical issues between modernism and postmodernism.
Builders were reared under modernism, in which reason was king,
individualism was prized, and scientific method yielded facts which
were certain and objective. However, busters were reared under
postmodernism in which experience is king, community is prized, and
there are no absolutes. Over the years Christianity has grappled with
modernism and come to some conclusions on which parts of it are
compatible and which are not. The church has still not come to terms
with postmodernism, nor separated the wheat from the chaff.
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Can we work together?

Not only can builders and busters work together, they must
work together. They both have strengths and weaknesses, and their
strengths complement each other. However, rather than seeing
themselves as being complementary, they often view themselves in
conflict. Rather than complimenting each other for strong points,
they tend to criticize each other for weak points.
Let us see how builders and busters can work together to help
fulfill the Great Commission. To make disciples we need to be both
rational and relational. On the one hand, the modernism-influenced
cognitive builders may be so intent on getting the job done that they
offend the very people they are trying to reach. On the other hand,
the postmodernism-influenced experiential busters may spend so
much time chatting with the people they are trying to reach that they
do not get the job done before they leave.
Builders may spend an entire career in a relational culture and
never win enough people to produce a national church filled with
disciples. Busters may spend a term making great friends with people
and bring them to Christ, but never actually disciple people there to
leave a strong national church. However, working together
effectively, with the career builders giving stability to the procession
of short-term busters, may result in a sound national church.
There have always been, and will remain, generational
differences between older and younger people. However these
differences between builders, boomers, and busters are much deeper
(cultural) issues, and they must be resolved to some extent for
maximum effectiveness in carrying out the Great Commission. As
these individuals from different generations form multicultural
teams, they will find that they have the differences in the cultural
values discussed here as well as other differences (music, worship
style, dress, etc). However, they will also discover that their core
values are the same, and their goal is the samemaking disciples of
all people groups.
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38
about Conflict
230
Everything went well for a long time until men from the culture in
which headquarters was located visited the church in Antioch.
These men began teaching that unless the men who had
responded to the message preached by Paul and Barnabas were
circumcised, they were not saved. The issue was whether or not this
custom taught by Moses was a cultural issue or a salvation issue.
Thus we have a situation in which missionaries who cared deeply
(Paul and Barnabas) disagreed with others on an important question
(Salvation). This brought the missionaries into sharp dispute and
debate with them (v.2).
What should we do about conflict?
No one has to convince missionaries that conflict exists in

missions. It has been a part of missions since the very beginning in
the early chapters of the book of Acts. Not only has there been
conflict, but the basic issues are still the same in that there are cultural
conflicts which bring disagreement between missionaries and
headquarters as well as conflicts between individual missionaries on
the field. Why do we have conflict? What should we do about it?
What steps can we take to resolve it? What do we do if you feel like
we are attacked? What if it cannot be resolved? Lets consider some
of these questions.
Why do we have conflict?
Conflict is normal whenever people who hold different
opinions are in a close relationship. Conflict occurs whenever people
who care have different opinions on important issues. The more the
people care and the more important the issue, the more intense the
conflict. Conflicts are simply a fact of life, and they are destructive
only if not handled correctly.
Lets take as an example the conflict that arose in Acts 15.
Paul and Barnabas returned from their first term of service to the local
church that had commissioned them in Antioch. They held a mission
conference and told about all that God had done through them.
The conflict needs to be resolved as quickly as possible. In

Matthew 5, Jesus noted that if you are offering your gift to God at the
altar and suddenly remember that there is an unresolved conflict with
another believer, you should leave your gift there, go settle the
conflict, then return to offer your gift to God. We are to settle matters
quickly, but we should carefully pick the time and place to be
reconciled. Sometimes the conflict is still at a high emotional pitch,
and it would be best to wait a while before approaching the other
person. If other people are around, it is best not to involve them in the
dispute. The important thing, though, is to resolve the conflict soon
because the feelings aroused by unresolved conflict soon become
established and are more difficult to change.
What steps do we take to resolve it?
Jesus gave a three-step procedure to use in resolving conflict
in Matthew 18. In American culture as in much of Western culture
where we tend to think linearly, it is usually most appropriate to take
these three steps in sequence. However, if the conflict is with
someone of a different culture, be sure to consult with someone
raised in that culture before trying to resolve the conflict. These
steps in this order may not be culturally appropriate in that situation,
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and the conflict may only be worsened if you do all of them in this
order. The steps Jesus gave are:
Approach the person alone. Often the two of you can resolve the
conflict by yourselves and your friendship will be stronger than
ever before. Of course, you must choose the time, situation, and
manner of approach carefully.
Find a mediator. If a direct approach does not work, or if it is not
appropriate in the culture, you should choose a mediator. Again,
choose a mediator carefully, one that you believe both parties will
see as unbiased and in which both will have confidence.
Take it to the church. If neither you nor the mediator can bring
about resolution, the issue should be brought before the larger
body. After the church comes to a decision, both of you are to
accept the decision. The church is instructed to treat either party
who does not abide by the decision as being outside the church.
Let us return to the conflict in Acts 15. Paul and Barnabas were in
sharp dispute and debate with the visiting teachers, but were unable
to settle the conflict alone. They apparently called in mediators there
in Antioch, but they were also unable to settle the conflict. So, Paul,
Barnabas, and some other believers were sent to headquarters in
Jerusalem to settle the conflict.
How do we go about resolving it?
Assuming that the issue is an important one and that you have
carefully chosen the time and situation, here are some guidelines
found in Acts 15 that will help you resolve the conflict, whether it is
two of you alone or it is a whole body of believers.
Give both sides a chance to present. Paul and Barnabas presented
their position, then the Pharisees presented theirs.
Give time for adequate discussion. This was a crucial issue
(salvation) so there was much discussion.
Be quiet. Note that the whole assembly became silent as they
listened to the discussion. Too often in such situations there is an
undercurrent of whispering in the crowd.
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Listen. They listened. There is a big difference between being

quiet and really listening. Put yourself in the others place and
really try to hear and understand what the other side is saying.
Too often we turn them off, let our minds wander, think about
what we are going to say in reply, or just doze off in a long
discussion.
Allow others to finish. When they finished, James spoke up.
Do not interrupt until others have finished.
Keep to the issue. The issue here was whether or not circumcision
was necessary for salvation. Imagine all the other issues that
could have been proposed from the books of the law! Also
discuss the issue, not personalities.
Express feelings appropriately. There is no report of verbal
attacks or counterattacks during the discussion.
Apply scripture. There may be differing interpretations, but
certainly at least look at what the Bible has to say. James quoted
from Amos 9.
Propose a solution. James said, It is my judgement, therefore,
that
Settle on essentials. They all agreed on several items and wrote a
letter.
Accept the decision. When the delegation delivered the letter
back to the church at Antioch, The people read it and were glad
for its encouraging message.
Reaffirm your friendship. After spending some time there for
fellowship, they were sent off with the blessing of peace.
What if we feel like we are being attacked?

Sometimes you are not the one trying to resolve the conflict
and the other side approaches you in an inappropriate way. A good
example of this is found in Joshua 22. The Israelites had just finished
years of fighting for the Promised Land. Every one of Gods good
promises had been fulfilled and they were ready for a time of peace
and rest.
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As the tribes living on the east side of the Jordan River were
going home, they built a large altar on the property belonging to the
tribes on the west side. This angered the tribes on the west side and
they gathered at Shiloh to go to war with them. Fortunately, rather
than just attacking, they sent a delegation to talk first; unfortunately
the delegation was not skilled in conflict resolution. It was an
important faith issue, but Phineas and his group assumed things about
the thoughts and motives of those who had built the altar and were
predicting what would happenthings that should not be done in
conflict resolution.
The delegation started with How could you..How could
you Read verses 16-21, noting how many times you and
yourself are used. Put yourself in the place of those hearing the
accusations and see how they must have felt.
Fortunately, someone on the east side of the river knew about
defusing a conflict situation. First he tried to defuse the situation by
affirming that they were both completely dedicated to serving the
same God, and he did it using we us or our messages rather
than you messages. These first person pronouns appear 20 times in
verses 22-29, an average of more than two per verse. Following the
guidelines we found in Acts 15 and refusing to read minds, judge
motives, or predict what will happen, and by using I messages (One
on one, or we messages in a group setting), one can defuse and
resolve conflicts as shown in Joshua 22.
What if the conflict is not resolved?
Sometimes conflicts cannot be resolved, and the options then
are either agree to disagree, or part company. Just after the good
conflict resolution in Acts 15, we find an irreconcilable conflict
between Paul and Barnabas. In planning to go back for another term
of missionary service, Barnabas wanted to take John Mark with them.
Paul did not, and they had a sharp disagreement. Apparently Paul
was task-oriented and did not want to take a chance on someone
quitting, but Barnabas was people-oriented and did not want hurt
feelings.
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We are not told how they tried to resolve the conflict, but they
were not able to do so, and they parted company. Of course, God
works in all things to accomplish his purposes. He sent Barnabas and
Mark to Cyprus, while Paul and Silas went to Syria. Note that later
Paul changed his mind about Mark and asked to have him visit (2
Timothy 4:11). God uses our conflicts to advance his work.
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39
about Forgiveness
236
Sometimes you are the one who is amazed at what you do.
The first missionary, Paul, wrote about this in himself in Romans 7.
He just did not understand why he did what he did. He did not do the
things he wanted to do, but he did the things he hated. Paul was
saying, How could I have done that?
What if I cant forgive?
As fellow missionaries, they were your closest friends. They

had prayed with you for the last six months as you developed a plan
to reach the people in your city. It was successful beyond your
wildest dreams. But now they had a book coming out about your
planclaiming it as their own! Of course, you are glad for the
success in reaching people, but how could they have done that? Can
you ever forgive them? Even if you can forgive them, can you ever
forget it, or can you ever really trust them again? Let us consider
some of these questions.
How could they have done that?
Being hurt by someone you love is inevitable. Sometimes the
people hurting you do it intentionally, planning it carefully and then
carrying out their plot. Other times they do something without
forethought. Most often they do not intend to hurt you and do not
even know they have done so. The Old Testament clearly
distinguishes between intentional and unintentional sins.
Having your brother or sister turn on you is as old as the
human race itself, as found in the story of Cain and Abel in Genesis 4.
It occurred repeatedly in the book of Genesis, as shown in the life of
Joseph and his brothers who first planned to kill him, but then decided
just to sell him as a slave. How could they have done that?
When praying the Lords Prayer, we ask God to forgive us as

we forgive others. Following that prayer in Matthew 6, Jesus said
that if we forgive people who sin against us, he will forgive us.
However, if we do not forgive others, he will not forgive us. He
illustrated this in Matthew 18 with the parable of the unforgiving
servant when Peter asked about how often to forgive. The one not
forgiven was the one who did not forgive.
The goal is always forgiveness, but the time it takes to reach
that goal may be very different for different offenses and for different
people. You must be careful not to rush into a premature, shallow
forgiveness, in which you say, I forgive you, but still really hold the
offense against the other person. Generally the more serious the
offense, the longer it takes to reach genuine forgiveness. If someone
borrows an everyday dish without asking and breaks it, forgiveness
may come quickly. If the dish was a treasured family heirloom, the
forgiveness may take longer. If the offense is sexual abuse as a child
or adolescent, the forgiveness may take years or decades. We must
not rush into premature forgiveness.
People often cite Josephs clear forgiveness of his brothers in
the last chapter of Genesis as an example of how we should forgive.
Remember that it was more than 20 years after the offense when he
first saw his brothers, and the first time he saw them (Genesis 42) he
pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them. By the time
they came the second time, he was ready to begin to deal with
forgiveness.
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What if I cant forget?

You will probably never actually forget. Forgiveness does not
mean that you are no longer able to remember the incident. Some
people say we should forgive and forget. Others quote Jeremiah
31:34 and Hebrews 10:17, pointing out that God forgives and forgets.
Of course, this does not mean that God literally cannot
remember that the events ever happened. If that were the case, God
would no longer be all knowing. He still knows that the sin occurred,
but he no longer holds it against the person. He does not develop
amnesia, but he will never bring that sin up again.
Of course, not having the memory constantly occurring as it
once did may be a result of forgiveness, but it is not the means of
forgiveness. Forgiveness literally means to give up or give away.
The dictionary defines it as to give up resentment against someone.
Forgiving someone frees you from being consumed with resentment
about the offense, but it does not erase the memory. You may need
that memory to avoid future abuses from an unrepentant person. God
does not erase our memories, but he redeems them so that we can get
on with our lives.
Joseph pointed out that his brothers had intended to harm him,
but that God used it for good. He had not forgotten what happened 40
years earlier, but he no longer carried the resentment and wanted to
punish them (Genesis 50).
What if I still dont like them?
You may never really like people who have hurt you so
deeply. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.
Forgiveness means that you give up your resentment and your desire
to punish the other person, not that you necessarily become best
friends.
You may say, Doesnt God want us to love everyone? Of
course, he does. Such is commanded in love one another as I have
loved you. But the kind of love that can be commanded is agape
love. It is the kind of love in which you make a decision to be
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committed to the best interests of that person. It does not necessarily

mean that you are good friends (phileo). Unfortunately, the English
language does not have adequate words to express the meanings of
these Greek words, so we use the word love for both.
God commands you to be committed to the best interests of all
persons, not to be best friends with them all. After some time, you
may grow to like the person and become good friends, but that will
not always be the case. Notice that Joseph was kind to his brothers,
reassured them, told them not to be afraid and said he would provide
for them and their children. He did not say they were his best
buddies, and he clearly favored Benjamin over the others, the ones
who sold him into slavery.
Even though you may not be the best of friends with others
who have hurt you, you can still work effectively with them. Being
willing to forgive others benefits you as much as it does them. It frees
you from carrying that resentment, freeing you to do Gods work.
What if they dont ask for forgiveness?
This is a difficult situation. It is complicated to try to come to
terms with someone unwilling to accept responsibility for actions that
have offended or hurt you. We are often tempted to become resentful.
Unfortunately, carrying around the resentment and bitterness is a
heavy burden, and that burden is on you, not the one who offended.
You may be carrying such a load related to someone you will never
see again; that person may even be dead. Being willing to forgive,
being open to forgiving when they repent, or forgiving before God
even if you cannot see the person lifts the load from you.
Thus, granting forgiveness, or turning the final judgment to
God, is often more for your own sake than for those you forgive.
Joseph granted forgiveness to his brothers even though they did not
ask for it. The burden was taken from him, and he could get on with
his life. If you continue to carry that load, many times you are
granting the offender the power to continue to make you miserable
and limit your effectiveness.
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Why is it so hard to ask forgiveness?

The basic problem is usually pride. You have to admit that
you have done something wrong, and that is very difficult to do.
Many people find it much easier just to sweep the matter under the
rug and say that the offense did not really matter that much, but it
does. Until forgiveness is sought, something remains to hinder any
relationship.
Since they move so often, some missionaries find it easy to
just leave, thinking that the offense will be forgotten. However, that
is not the case. The matter will still be there in the relationship
whenever they meet again. Asking, giving, and receiving forgiveness
are especially important parts of saying good-bye when leaving the
field to return home.
Why is it sometimes so hard to accept forgiveness?
This also often goes back to pride. We often feel like we must
do something to earn forgiveness. Forgiving others is against our
concept of justice in which people should suffer for the wrong they
have done. Forgiving others does not come naturally to humans.
However, God gives forgiveness to everyone who asks because Christ
paid the debt through his suffering on the cross. The Bible clearly
states that forgiveness is by grace, through faith, and even that is
Gods gift to us. Although we can repent and make restitution, we
can never earn our forgiveness, only accept it.
In Genesis 50 Josephs brothers had not really accepted his
forgiveness 17 years after Joseph had granted it to them. They were
still carrying feelings of guilt and fear for an offense that was
forgiven. They asked for something (forgiveness) that had been
granted nearly two decades before.
What if they wont forgive?
You may ask forgiveness, but the other party will not grant it.
This is also a difficult situation. You must genuinely request
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forgiveness, make restitution as far possible, and continue to

demonstrate acts consistent with repentance. If the other persons will
still not grant forgiveness, you have done all you can. The burden is
now on them. You may still feel some of that burden, but God does
not hold you responsible.
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40
about Reconciliation
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another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you
love one another. Today, as then, people fulfilling the Great
Commission (making disciples of all nations) must be recognized as
his disciples. However, there would soon be dissention among Jesus
disciples that would necessitate forgiveness and reconciliation.
Go and be reconciled.
After a serious disagreement with other missionaries, you have

settled your differences. You have asked for, received, and granted
forgiveness, but something still seems wrong. Although you do not
sense any anger in the relationship, your friendship is not the same as
it was before. Forgiveness literally means to give up or give
away. The dictionary defines it as to give up resentment against
someone. That is a necessary first step in reconciliationbut much
more is possible. Let us see what we can do, how we do it, and what
are some possible results.
What does maundy mean?
Just before Easter Sunday we observe Maundy Thursday.
Many people have no idea what maundy means. It comes from the
Latin mande, meaning mandate or command, from Jesus words in
John 13:34. At that time he was talking with people he had poured
his life into during their time of orientation and training. They had
three years ministry experience in their passport culture, had some
short-term home mission experience, and were about to enter crosscultural ministry. They were people who had affirmed their devotion
and vowed to die for him but would soon doubt, deny, and forsake
him.
His Maundy Thursday mandate (command) to them was
Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one
Earlier in his ministry Jesus had told his disciples that while
they were worshiping him in the sanctuary they might remember that
a fellow Christian had something against them. If that happened, they
were to leave their place of worship and, First go and be reconciled
to your brother; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:24).
Reconciliation should take place as soon as possible after we realize
we need it. Of course, one must be careful not to attempt it
immediately after the offense while emotions are still highly aroused
and may interfere.
Reconciliation literally means to bring together again. The
dictionary defines it as to make friendly again or win over to a
friendly attitude. Although forgiveness has occurred, friendship may
not have yet been restored, and that is what is missing. Forgiveness
may involve only one person, but reconciliation always takes two.
Note that here we are talking about restoring a relationship
between you and someone you know has something against you. We
are not talking about the situation in Matthew 18 which involves you
having something against another person.
How do I do it?
People are sometimes unsure of how to go about actually
moving toward reconciliation. Fred DiBlasio has developed several
steps he uses to help people through forgiveness and into
reconciliation. After defining, considering scriptures on, and
explaining forgiveness and reconciliation, he introduces the following
steps. Then after reviewing the steps, he asks if the people want to go
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through them toward reconciliation. If so, they proceed. If not, they

wait.
The offender states and explains the offense. He or she clearly,
specifically, and explicitly states the act for which he or she is
seeking forgiveness and reconciliation. He or she then follows
with an explanation of the reason behind the offensive behavior.
Both parties ask questions and receive answers about what
happened, and this information may begin to bring them together.
The offended shares his or her emotional reaction (with the
permission of the offender). This ventilating of feelings in detail
often leads to the offender being more empathic.
The offender then paraphrases what was said and proposes a plan.
Expressing the feelings in other words usually leads to even
greater empathy, and then he or she proposes a plan (including
specific changes and means of accountability) that will eliminate
the behavior.
The offended then identifies with the offender. Realizing that he
or she is not completely faultless, the offended may be able to
identify with some of the guilt, loneliness, etc. that the offender
has experienced since the act.
Both persons must agree on what forgiveness and the first steps
toward reconciliation mean. Granting forgiveness means that the
offense can never again be used as a weapon--it is a letting go, but
not necessarily forgetting. The one receiving forgiveness must
remember that he or she has agreed to be accountable and not
repeat the offense.
The offender then makes a formal request for forgiveness and
reconciliation for the action in question. This may include asking
God as well and the formal recording of the date, time and place
of the request.
The offended then either grants, or refuses to grant, forgiveness
and movement toward reconciliation. If granted, it is recorded
with the request. If not granted, the process stops here, and may
be resumed at a later time.
This cycle is then repeated as often as necessary until all
offensive actions have been discussed. It usually includes both parties
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taking turns being the offended and the offender. However, no one is
allowed to pressure another person to ask forgiveness for perceived
wrong behavior. Also remember that although forgiveness is final in
this process, much emotion may remain and full reconciliation may
take much more time.
Go and do it.
Although we may ask how to go about reconciliation, most of
us already know how to do it. The problem is in actually getting up
and doing it. We tend to be like the expert who asked Jesus what he
had to do to inherit eternal life in Luke 10. Jesus asked him what the
scripture said. The man answered correctly, and Jesus said, Do this
and you will live (v. 10). Rather than doing it, the man wanted to
justify himself and asked who his neighbor was. After the parable in
which the two religious leaders passed by the needy person who was
finally helped by someone from a despised culture, Jesus again asked
the expert who was the real neighbor. When the expert answered
correctly, Jesus again said, Go and do likewise (v. 37).
Will everything be the same?
Certainly not immediately, and perhaps never. Remember that
this is just the beginning of reconciliation, and it may take months or
years to complete. Trust takes a long time to develop. Just one
wrong act may destroy it, and then it will take even longer to develop
again. Sometimes it never fully develops after it has been destroyed.
The following will help rebuild trust.
Carry out every detail of the plan you have proposed to see that
the offensive behavior will not be repeated.
Be completely accountable as you have proposed.
If you do engage in some wrong action, apologize immediately
and sincerely.
Always keep your word on other things.
Be completely and consistently trustworthy in all dealings with
others.
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Trust others yourself.

Be openly and consistently cooperative.
John Mark had deserted the first missionary team to take the
gospel to other cultures. Although his uncle Barnabas wanted to take
his nephew when the team went back for a second term, Paul had not
yet reconciled with Mark and would not take Mark on his team.
However, forgiveness and reconciliation came later as indicated by
Paul saying, Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful
to me in my ministry (2 Timothy 4:11).
What if the person refuses?

Sometimes the person refuses, as was the case with Samuel
and Saul in 1 Samuel 15. Although Sauls repentance (I have
sinned.Now I beg you, forgive my sin. vs. 24-25) sounds
sincere, it came only after two denials in which he blamed the soldiers
(vs. 13-15; 20-21). After that incident, Samuel never went to see Saul
again (v. 35). Some offenses are so serious, and some requests for
forgiveness are so insincere, that the process stops and never begins
again.
Whether the process continues depends on such things as the
seriousness and duration of the offense. For example, it is much
easier to reconcile after an argument over forgetting your spouse at
the store than it is over adultery. Likewise it is easier (though still
very difficult) to forgive your spouse over a single act of adultery on
impulse than over a long affair with a friend.
Sometimes the process ends because the other person simply
refuses. Such a refusal may be temporary, or it may be permanent.
All that God asks of you is that you sincerely repent, enlist the aid of
a mediator, and try everything you know to do. Reconciliation takes
two people, and the other person may continue to refuse. Paul, that
early missionary, put it so well in the last half of Romans 12. He said,
Be devoted to one another (v. 10). Live in harmony with one
another (v. 16). If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at
peace with everyone (v. 18). The ideal is to be reconciled to
everyone, but sometimes you have done everything you can do and it
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still does not happen. God does not hold you responsible for someone
elses refusal to proceed.
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Why be thankful?
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about Thankfulness
It is one of those days! When you leave the house in a hurry,

your car will not start. After a crowded bus ride one of your
colleagues meets you at the door to the building and tells you how one
of the nationals has been lying about you. When you open your door,
the office is a mess because someone had broken in during the night
and trashed it looking for valuables that were not there. A few
minutes later your spouse calls to say that two of your kids just woke
up with high fevers.
Looking for some sympathy and encouragement, you
approached a friend and began to tell what had happened. Before you
could finish, your friend said: Remember that Paul, an early
missionary, wrote to the people in one of his churches, Give thanks
in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus.
When you protested that Paul could not have really meant that, you
friend pointed out that earlier in the sentence Paul said, Be joyful
always (1 Thessalonians 1:16-18).
You began to ask questions. Why be thankful? What if I
dont feel like I have anything to be thankful for? Whom do I thank?
What else does the Bible say? Let us consider these questions and
more.
Of course, one answer to that question is that the Bible says to.
However, in recent years Robert Emmons, one of the leading scholars
in positive psychology, and his colleagues have studied the effect of
gratitude on individuals. They have found that gratitude, wanting
what you have, can measurably change peoples lives for the better.
Thankful people have the following characteristics.
More alert and enthusiastic
More determined and attentive
More energetic and optimistic
More progress toward goals
More exercise and better sleep
More forgiving and helpful to others
Higher immune response/less illness
Closer family ties
Less stress and envy
Less resentment and greed
Less bitterness and depression
What does the Bible say?
The Bible has dozens of references to thankfulness, often
several in a single chapter.
give thanks to the Lord (Psalm 107:1, 8, 15, 21, 31).
give thanks to the Lord (Psalm 118:1, 19, 29).
give you (God) thanks (Psalm 118: 21, 28).
give thanks to the Lord (Psalm 136:1, 3).
give thanks to the God of (Psalm 136:2, 26).
Since Paul was a missionary, what did he say in addition to
telling people to give thanks in all circumstances? He was most often
thankful for the nationals, even though they were far from perfect.
For the Thessalonians (1 Thessalonians 1:2): We always thank
God for all of you.
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For the Philippians (1:3): I thank my God every time I remember
you.
For the Colossians (1:3): We always thank Godwhen we pray
for you.
For the Ephesians (1:16): I have not stopped giving thanks for
you.
Even for the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 1:4): I always thank God
for you.
What does it mean to be thankful?

Being thankful means much more than children writing
obligatory thank-you notes to Grandma for their birthday presents
because their mothers insisted (Grandma may not give such a nice one
next year). It is also more than the warm feelings one has upon
receiving a gift.
When people are grateful, they recognize that the benefit they
received was not earned or deserved; it was given freely by someone
out of love or compassion. The word gratitude comes from the
Latin gratus, from which we also get the theological term grace.
When people say that they have received something by the grace of
God, they know that they did nothing to deserve it, that it was given
out of Gods love and care for them. The same is true when people
give.
Unfortunately, most people have high expectations and take
things for granted. When something good happens, they tend to
assume they are responsible for it, that they earned it or at least
deserved it because of who they are or what they have done.
Gratitude researchers point out that being thankful involves
recognition and acknowledgment.
Recognition. This means that people must literally re-cognize,
that is, think differently about something. For example, they may
have resented something that caused suffering, but they re-cognize
the adversity to see that it resulted in growth that would have not
been possible any other way.
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Acknowledgement. In addition to thinking about adversity

differently, people must accept the good in their lives and affirm
that there are good and enjoyable things in the world. They must
have the humility to agree that they did nothing to earn or deserve
the good that has come their way. Someone has purposely been
kind to them, and that kindness has really helped them.
For example, losing jobs may force people into new vocations
that are wonderful opportunities, but they have to recognize that fact
to be thankful, to realize that they have received a benefit. Illnesses
may prevent people from accomplishing some things but may also
push them into other pursuits that are much better.
What if I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for?

This is a question most often asked by people who live in
affluence. They are people who fail to see the splendor of the
rainbows through the rain or the beauty of the weeds in their lawns.
This poverty of affluence results from two things. First,
people adapt to a culture of plenty, and then they need more to make
them feel thankful. Of course, soon after they get more, they
want even more. Second, people tend to compare themselves with
neighbors who have even more. This comparison makes them feel
like they have so little there is nothing to be thankful for. Again as
soon as they get what one neighbor has, they compare themselves to a
different neighbor, and they are again dissatisfied.
People who are alive and have basic needs met have much to
be thankful for. They just need to re-cognize and acknowledge their
situation
What can I do?
People cannot conjure up true gratitude at a moments notice.
No one can try to be grateful and through willpower make it happen.
An old saying states that happiness pursued, eludes. However,
people can develop habits that, over time, will result in the disposition
of thankfulness.
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The old hymn, Count Your Blessings, is the answer. It says

that when you are discouraged, in conflict, burdened, and see how
much others have, you should Count your blessings, name them one
by one; count your many blessings, see what God has done. Here
are some proven effective ways to do that.
Keep a gratitude journal. Each day actually write down the gifts,
grace, and good things you enjoy. There is no need to worry
about spelling or punctuation or have a fancy journal. Actually
writing them down is far more effective than just thinking about
them.
Thank God. The Bible is filled with prayers of thanksgiving in
the Psalms and other places that you can pray to God yourself.
Churches have ritual prayers of gratitude you may want to
memorize. Conversational spontaneous prayers are also effective.
Use your senses. Take time to attend to what you see, hear, touch,
taste, and smell. Odors often take you back to earlier good times.
Songs bring back memories. Other sensations do the same.
Take a walk of thanks. Walk through your neighborhood, your
house, your school, or your church. What you see, hear, and smell
will bring back memories.
Watch your language. Depressed people often engage in negative
self-talk. Thankful people engage in positive self-talk. You can
change your attitude by changing what you say to yourself.
Do something for others. When you do things that benefit others
(for which they are grateful), you will find that you will become
grateful yourself. Doing something for those who do not like us is
particularly effective.
Thank others. Gratitude is not just thoughts and emotions; it is
actions as well. Verbally thank someone. Write a letter of thanks.
Send an email of thanks.
Make a gratitude visit. Deliver your letter of thanks in person
rather than sending it through the mail.
Make a gratitude phone call.
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In all circumstances?
Paul actually lived what he wrote. In his letter to the
Philippians the words joy and rejoice occur fourteen times in the four
chapters. He wrote that letter from prison while awaiting a trial which
could result in his death.
From his cell Paul wrote, I am not saying this because I am in
need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I
know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I
have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want
(Philippians 4:11-12).
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42
254
This family-based favoritism over competence often leads to

low morale, low productivity, and a seeming lack of integrity to some.
Did it occur in Bible times?
about Nepotism
Your field directors nephew is coming to teach at the

international school for a year. Knowing that a long-term family will
be returning to their passport country for a year, the field director
assigns his nephews family to their beautiful, large home for that
year. If he does this, no one else will have to move unnecessarily.
When the field director asks if you think that is a good idea, you agree
that it is.
About a month later another family serving with you is really
angry that the field director showed so much favoritism to his
nephew. This family had already served three years of their four-year
term, and they had hoped they could move into that beautiful home
which was so much largerand it had a pool as well. They start
complaining about the blatant nepotism shown by the field director.
What is nepotism?
Nepotism is the showing of favoritism toward relatives based
on that relationship rather than on objective factors such as ability or
merit. For example, nepotism would be hiring a person with a
masters degree in fashion design as an elementary principal because
she is the niece of the school board chairman rather than hiring an
applicant with a doctoral degree in education who has taught
elementary school for a decade.
Of course, it did. It was part of the Jewish culture in the Old

Testament. In fact, it was the major factor in people becoming priests
or kings.
The whole book of Leviticus details the system of laws
governing the Levites. Priests had to be descendants of Aaron, brother
of Moses, and of the tribe of Levi. Sometimes the children of priests
were good, and at other times they were bad, unfit to be priests. The
sons of Eli the priest (1 Samuel 1-4) were also serving as priests, but
they treated the Lords offering with contempt and seduced the
women serving at the entrance to Gods house. Nepotism did not lead
to good.
Before Israel was ruled by kings, Gideon realized that political
power should not depend on nepotism. When the Israelites asked
Gideon, his son, and his grandson to rule over them, Gideon said he
would not do so and neither would his son (Judges 8:22-23).
After Israel began being ruled by kings, the kings oldest son
became the next king unless there was a coup. After division of the
kingdom, the Northern Kingdom (Israel) had all evil kings. Nepotism
did not lead to good. Sometimes a good king in the Southern
Kingdom (Judah) had a good son, but other times the son was evil.
Here are some examples from over 200 years of successive rulers of
Judah.
Uzziah, good (52 years, 2 Chronicles 26)
Jotham, good (16 years, 2 Chronicles 27)
Ahaz, evil (16 years, 2 Chronicles 28)
Hezekiah, good (29 years, 2 Chronicles 29-32)
Manasseh, evil (55 years. 2 Chronicles 33)
Amon, evil (2 years, 2 Chronicles 33)
Josiah, good (31 years, 2 Chronicles 34-35)
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Did it occur in the church?

Of course it did. In fact, that is where the term nepotism
originated. The Latin word nepos means nephew or grandchild.
The suffix ism comes from the favoritism popes showed to their
relatives in appointing them to positions in the church.
Since the popes had taken vows of chastity and had no
children of their own, they most often appointed their nephews
(nepos) to become cardinals. The cardinals then chose a new pope
when one died, and it was often another cardinal in the familythus
papal dynasties.
This practice began shortly after 1000 AD and continued until
Pope Paul III appointed two nephews (one 14 years old and the other
16 years old) as cardinals. A papal bull in 1692 finally prohibited
appointing more than one qualified relative as cardinal. The practice
of promoting family members continues to some extent in many
churches today.
Did it occur in missions?
It has been happening in missions since the second term of
Christian missionary service (Acts 15:36-41). Paul proposed a second
term to Barnabas, a teammate on their first term. Barnabas wanted to
take his cousin, John Mark. Paul did not think it was wise to take
someone who had deserted them during their first term. Paul and
Barnabas parted company, and Barnabas took John Mark with him to
a different place of service.
Nepotism still occurs in missions today, probably most often
when third culture kids (TCKs) want to return to the culture where
they grew upit is home to them! Of course, their parents (and
perhaps other relatives) are often still there and are likely to be in
leadership roles since they are more mature and have had more
experience there than most others on the field. When the TCKs
arrive, they often find that being a missionary on that field is quite
different from being a TCK. Many of them are rather disappointed.
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Their parents may then favor them in attempt to make the experience
better for their TCKs.
Is it really nepotism?
For it to actually be nepotism, the larger house or the position
must be based on the person being a relative rather than based on
other factors. Both Old and New Testaments forbid such favoritism.
Do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but
judge your neighbor fairly (Leviticus 19:15).
To show partiality in judging is not good (Proverbs 24:23).
Keep these instructions without partiality and do nothing out of
favoritism (1 Timothy 5:21).
My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, dont
show favoritism (James 2:1).
Persons in authority making the decisions must be aware of
temptation toward nepotism and make sure that decisions are for the
good of all involved and are based on objective factors. They also
must be aware of their own tendency to rationalize favoritism as being
for the good of all when it is really based on what is good for their
own relatives.
Other missionaries with less power must be aware of their
own tendencies to take things personally and believe that nepotism is
involved when it really is not.
Is it only perceived as nepotism?
Giving a family a larger house with a pool so that others will
not have to move is not nepotism. It is a matter of trying to help by
causing as little disruption in peoples lives as possible.
Nepotism is not involved in hiring family members who are
the persons with the best qualifications, even if they are family
members. If family members are excluded from the pool of
applicants, one may be excluding the people best qualified for the job,
and people often know more about their relatives talents than others
know.
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However, everyone must realize that it is best to avoid even

the appearance of evil. What people perceive becomes the reality
to which they react. If the situation leads to low morale, low
productivity, or a seeming lack of integrity, it should be evaluated for
its effects.
What is the solution?
This is a very difficult problem because we want to avoid
favoritism toward family members on the one hand and
discrimination against family members on the other. About 40% of
the states in the USA have nepotism laws against hiring people for
state positions. The other 60% do not have such laws because they
want to avoid discrimination.
Some corporations, educational institutions, and agencies have
nepotism rules, but others do not. Treating people fairly is difficult
when those making the decisions are obviously biased. Walking the
fine line between favoritism and discrimination is never easy, but here
are some suggestions.
The best solution is to not be in a position where nepotism can
occur. That is, do not serve where you are supervising a family
member or one is supervising you. However, since that is not
always possible, the following may help.
Acknowledge to yourself that nepotism does happen and that you
could be guilty of it yourself. It is only natural for people to
want the best for their own family members.
Bring up to the group the possibility of nepotism happening. This
brings it out into the open where it can be discussed by everyone.
Talk with people on all sides of the question. Tell them that you
want to be fair, guilty neither of favoritism toward family
members nor of discriminating against them. Ask if they think
you are doing either.
Treat everyone applying exactly the same. Openly announce that
positions, housing, and so forth are available and ask people to
apply for them.
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Leave a paper trail. When you communicate via email or other

written announcements, you have everything in writing. Follow
up each oral communication (personal meeting, telephone or
skype conversation) with a written summary.
Get the opinion of a person not involved, someone outside your
agency if possible. That way you have the unbiased judgments of
an objective individual.
These may not prevent accusations of nepotism, but at least
you have a record of your attempts to avoid it.
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What are rumors?
43
about Rumors
More than a century ago Louis Stern conducted an experiment

on rumors in which a chain of people passed a story from mouth to
ear without repeating or explaining anything. He found that the
story was shortened and changed as it passed through the chain.
This experiment became a parlor game in which people often
purposely changed things to make it humorous. However, the story
changes even if people really try to pass it on accurately. To see for
yourself ask four or five people to pass the following paragraph to one
another.
Pablo woke with a start. It was 7:27AM, barely time for him
to get through Madrid and catch his flight. He quickly tossed things
into his backpack carryon and barely made it to the gate on time.
Reaching into his backpack about three hours into his flight to New
York while sitting near the rear of the 747, Pablo discovered the
souvenir foot-long sword he had purchased in Toledo. How had it
ever cleared security in Madrid? As soon as he landed at JFK, he
found a trash can and discretely discarded it.
If a story of less than 100 words can be changed by passing
through so few people, imagine what changes occur as longer stories
are passed through many people. This is one way stories become
rumors. Such rumors about missionaries may occur with devastating
effects.
Rumors are unverified information from an unknown source.

This information may have been started intentionally or
unintentionally, and it may be true or false or a mixture of both.
When you hear someone begin with I heard that or They say
that a rumor is likely to follow. Rumors often go by other names,
such as the following.
News, beginning with, I learned some news today.
Hearsay, beginning with, I heard that
Gossip, beginning with Have you heard?
Grapevine, beginning with, I heard someone in the other office
say that.
Urban legends I found this all over the Internet
Prayer requests, beginning with I dont want to mention any
names but
What can rumors do?
Rumors can have positive or negative effects in many areas.
They are used to win elections or to cause others to lose elections.
They are used to help pass legislation or to help defeat legislation.
However, missionaries are most concerned about certain negative
effects.
They may damage a cause. For example, rumors about spying
may thwart efforts by an NGO bringing in relief supplies.
They may hurt a ministry. For example, rumors about heretical
theology may end the effectiveness of a church.
They may destroy a reputation. For example, someone accused of
sexual misconduct may lose his or her position in an organization
serving others.
Even when malicious rumors are intentionally started, are
totally false, and the ones who began them confess what they did, the
rumors may continue to hamper a ministry so much that the innocent
persons have to leave the host country or quit their ministry.
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What does the Bible say about rumors?

Of course, in the Old Testament the Ten Commandments
forbid giving false testimony about people (Exodus 20:16). At the
end of the New Testament liars are condemned to a lake of fire
(Revelation 21:8).
When paid to do so by the chief priests and elders, the guards
at the tomb spread rumors about Jesus and his disciples. Those
rumors were still circulating years later (Matthew 28:11-15).
People in many places spread rumors of various kinds about
Paul, early missionary.
Antioch (Pisidian): They talked abusively against him (Acts
13:45).
Iconium: They poisoned their minds (Acts 14:2).
Philippi: They said Paul was advocating customs unlawful for
us (Acts 16:21).
Thessolanica: They said that Paul had caused trouble all over the
world and was defying Caesars decrees (Acts 17:6-7).
Berea: They were agitating the crowds (Acts 17:13).
Rumors about missionaries were obviously common in Bible
times. While preaching in Galilee, Jesus also said that people would
have to give account for every careless (idle, thoughtless) word they
had spoken (Matthew 12:36). Before passing on hearsay,
missionaries must check its truthfulness.
How do rumors spread?
Louis Stern originally defined rumors as passing from mouth
to ear. However, inventions near the end of the twentieth century
increased the ways rumors can spread. Here are some of the more
recent ones.
Voicemail. The telephone was available when Stern did his
experiment, but it was still one person talking directly with
another. With voicemail, people can leave rumors for others to
hear later in time.
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Email. Email allows people to spread rumors to dozens or

thousands of others with a click of the mouse. They can simply
forward the original or add comments of their own.
Websites. Anyone with a computer, Internet access, and a few
dollars can develop their own website on which they can post
nearly anything they want. They can leave rumors for someone to
find.
Social Networks. Millions of people belong to social networks
such as Facebook and Twitter. Though these networks rumors
can spread to millions of people worldwide in hours.
Once a rumor enters this digital world it seems to take on a life
of its own and become an urban legend. This does not mean that it
originated in an urban area but is just the label given to unverified
stories from unknown sources that circulate widely, often digitally.
Even after such a rumor is clearly identified as false, it tends
to resurface months or years later, often in a slightly modified form.
Once it has been digitized, it may turn up over and over.
What do you do when you hear a rumor?

The most important to thing to do is not to pass it on. Avoid
becoming part of the chain that keeps the rumor alive if tempted to
pass it along. Sometimes the email comes with instructions to
forward it to everyone you know along with an implied threat that if
you do not do so something terrible will happen. Do not be misled
dont forward it.
If you are unsure and want to check out the facts,
www.snopes.com is the best Internet reference source for determining
the truthfulness of urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and
misinformation. When you find out the truth, you may want to let the
person who sent you the rumor know what those facts arealong
with a gentle reminder to check such things before sending them
along.
If you find out that the rumor is true, certainly pray for the
person or persons involved.
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If you cannot verify either the truth or falsity of the

information, you can ask the person. Of course, do it in a noncondemning way, noting that you do not think it is true. That person
may not even know what is circulating about him or her. If so, they
will most likely be thankful that you told them. Also offer to help in
any way that you can.
What can you do if you are the victim of a rumor?
First, pray and ask God for his protection from the falsehood
and ask for his guidance as you decide how to act. Just as you would
pray for someone else, pray for yourself. Also talk with trusted
friends and ask for their prayers as well.
It would be nice if there were 12 easy steps to squelching
rumors, but such is not the case. Note how Paul responded to each
of the situations he faced.
Antioch (Pisidian): Paul and Barnabas answered them boldly.
(Acts 13:46).
Iconium: Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there,
speaking boldly (Acts 14:3).
Philippi: After being beaten and arrested, Paul and Silas prayed to
God and sang (Acts 16:25).
Thessalonica: Jason and others posted bond for Paul and Silas and
sent them off (Acts 17:9-10).
Berea: The brothers immediately sent Paul to the coast where he
was escorted to his next destination (Acts 17:14-15).
Note that sometimes Paul spoke boldly, at other times he left,
and at still other times he prayed and sang to God. There is no one
correct way to cope with being the victim.
However, also note that Paul never responded alone. In each
case he had friends who were there to help and advise him. Having
the support and counsel of other like-minded people is probably one
of the best things a missionary can do.
Finally, something you can do today that Paul could not do is
send the truth to everyone you know who got the misinformation.
Just as malicious rumors can spread quickly, so can the truth. If the
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rumors were partly true, and you did something wrong, come clean.
If it is true, dont deny or admit only part.
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44
about Groupthink
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protecting the cohesiveness of the group. People do not want to

appear foolish or to upset the group so they set their doubts aside and
make irrational decisions.
Janis studied American foreign policy disasters such as Pearl
Harbor in 1941 and the Bay of Pigs fiasco in 1961. Most missionaries
today remember the American governments decision to attack Iraq in
2003 to destroy the weapons of mass destruction although many USA
citizens and most of the rest of the world did not think it was wise.
Groupthink is not only something that politicians may do, but also it
is something missionaries may do.
Did groupthink happen in the Bible?
Suppose this happened to a missionary. After the fourth

meeting about a new project which the long-time field director
proposed and strongly supported, Pat was still troubled by misgivings.
When she considered the cost of the project and the condition of the
economy, proceeding with the project just did not seem wise. When
another first term missionary began to raise questions, a veteran
missionary quickly accused her of having too little faith. Certainly
the project would help people, and it could be Gods will, so Pat voted
for it along with the others, but she still felt uneasy.
Later, after the project was abandoned and their agency had
lost many thousands of dollars, Pat and several of the others who had
voted for it talked about how they were like the man who began the
tower but could not finish it (Luke 14:28-30). As they talked, they
asked themselves, How could we all have voted for it? It is so
obvious now that it would not succeed. What happened to them was
groupthink.
What is groupthink?
Irving Janis, the first person to study it in detail, defined
groupthink as the kind of thinking people do when they are committed
to a cohesive group and their striving for unanimity overcomes their
ability to be realistic about which action to take. Individual
uniqueness, creativity, and independent thinking are left behind in
We do not have enough details to be sure but groupthink

appears to have happened shortly after King Solomon died. His son,
Rehoboam, became king and soon asked Solomons advisors about
how to respond to a difficult situation. Rehoboam rejected their good
advice to serve the people, and then he consulted some young men
with whom he had grown up. These young men gave him bad advice
to treat the people harshly. He did so, lost many of his subjects, and
barely escaped alive to Jerusalem (1 Kings 12:8-20).
Conditions leading to groupthink
Though nothing has been proven to cause groupthink, several
conditions may make groupthink more likely. Here are several of
these conditions relevant to missionaries on the field.
Highly cohesive group. Missionaries value the closeness of their
group because there are few people nearby with whom they can
share deeply.
Insulation of the group. Missionaries have few people to talk with
because they are far from their passport countries.
Directive leadership. Field directors may tell missionaries what
they would like to see done rather than asking what should be
done.
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Homogenous group. The selection process in choosing
missionaries often results in people with similar values, ways of
thinking, education, and so forth.
External threats. Missionaries often live under difficult situations
with political, safety, and health threats surrounding them.
Difficult decisions. Differences with values in the host culture
may make simple decisions very difficult.
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Self-appointed mindguards who shield the group from

problematic information. Committee members who are in favor
of the project may take it upon themselves to see that conflicting
financial reports are suppressed or taking aside any missionary
who expresses doubts and pleading for unity behind the field
directors project.
Results of groupthink
Symptoms of groupthink
Some of the symptoms indicating that groupthink is in
progress follow. Beware if you notice any of them as your group
meets.
Illusion of invulnerability, such as This cant fail because God is
on our side.
Collective rationalization of warnings that challenge assumptions.
For example, if a secular consultant says that money will not
come in for the project, group members agree that she just does
not understand faith promises.
Unquestioned belief in the morality of the group, such as
Because we are Gods children, what we are doing must be an
ethical or good thing to do.
Stereotyping people outside the group as weak, biased, stupid, or
even evil. For example, nationals opposed to building a church in
their neighborhood may be characterized as under demonic
influence.
Pressure on dissenting group members to conform by suggesting
they lack faith if they do not support the decision.
Illusion of unanimity among group members because the silence
of others is taken as agreement even though most of the
committee may think the idea is doomed to failure.
Self-censorship in which members do not express doubts because
of the apparent consensus among other group members. Because
it looks like the whole field committee agrees, no one is willing to
look like a Doubting Thomas.
Consensus-driven decisions lead to the following types of

problems.
The group does not completely study what needs to be
accomplished. They begin planning the building before exploring
whether or not it really needs to be built.
The group does not explore all available alternative actions.
Perhaps the agency could afford to rent or buy an existing
building rather than building a new one.
The group does not thoroughly study the risks of the preferred
choice. Will the project be seen by supporters as low priority, too
ostentatious, or a waste of money?
The group selectively looks for confirming information.
Committee members do not take time to ferret out facts that
indicate it is a poor choice.
The group does not formulate any contingency plan, Plan B. They
are so sure they are right that they give no thought to what they
might do if Plan A fails.
Preventing groupthink
Groupthink may be less likely if some of the following
suggestions are followed.
Leaders do not express their opinions or preferences when
assigning the task.
Leaders encourage each group member to express objections and
doubts when the group meets.
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Members of the group routinely discuss plans or progress with

trusted persons outside the group, such as nationals or those in
other agencies.
Outside experts should be invited to meetings on a staggered basis
and encouraged to challenge views expressed.
At each meeting a different member of the group should be the
Devils advocate assigned to point out possible flaws and
suggest alternatives.
Before final approval at least one meeting should be devoted to
consider all warning signals members can think of.
Of course, in avoiding groupthink, people must not go to the
opposite extreme and be so cautious that they get caught in gridlock
and do not approve any solution.
Differences between unity of the Spirit and the unanimity of

groupthink
Finally, the unanimity of groupthink must not be confused
with the unity of the Spirit described in Ephesians 4:3. The
unanimity of groupthink comes from a set of assumptions that must
not be questioned. Unity of the Spirit comes from a Christian set of
assumptions and a common purpose of being united with Christ
(Ephesians 2:1-5).
After the first term of Christian missionary service, a problem
surfaced which illustrates the difference between the unity of the
Spirit and the unanimity of groupthink. When they reached the
church in Jerusalem, Paul and Barnabas met with the apostles, elders,
and the church. They reported the results of their service, and some
of the believers present stood up and said that the converts had to be
circumcised and obey Moses law. Then the apostles and elders met
to consider this (Acts 15).
There was much discussion (v. 7).
Peter, not the leader of this group but someone with previous
experience with this issue, addressed the group (v. 7).
Barnabas and Paul reported what God had done among the
Gentiles (v. 12).
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The group became silent as they listened to this report (v. 12).
Only when they finished did James (leader of the group) give his
opinion on what should be done (vv. 13-21).
To implement their action we read that the apostles and elders,
with the whole church decided (v. 22), and they wrote in their
letter, So we all agreed to (v. 25).
This was unity in the Spirit, quite different from the unanimity of
groupthink. The leader did not express his opinion at the beginning;
people from both sides of the issue spoke; people were quiet as they
listened; there was much discussion; in the end a decision was
reached that the Gentiles involved read it and were glad for its
encouraging message. Missionaries must be careful to distinguish
between the unity of the Spirit and groupthink.
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45
Part 6.
Caring for Missionaries
Half a century ago people did not give consideration to caring

for missionaries, but during the last quarter of a century many
agencies have become interested in what has come to be called
member care. Today many agencies have member care
departments and conferences are held on the topic. The member
care chapter describes such care. In this area, questions often rise
about psychological testing and about counseling, so chapters are
included on each of these as well.
about Member Care
You keep hearing about member care, but wonder about it.
You are doing all right and wonder why anyone would need help.
What is member care anyway? Since God cares for them, why would
missionaries need member care from other people? If missionaries
did need it, who would give it to them? How would missionaries go
about getting such care, if they ever did need it? Let us consider some
of these questions about member care.
What is member care?
Many words can be used to describe what takes place in
member care. Some of those words are friendship, encouragement,
affirmation, help, and fellowship as well as sharing, communicating,
visiting, guiding, comforting, counseling and debriefing. All of these,
and more, are facets of member care given by someone who
understands the special needs of missionaries.
Of course, all Christians have the care given by the Holy
Spirit, the one whom Jesus promised in John 14-16. Translated
comforter, counselor, or advocate, the Greek word (paraclete)
literally means one called or sent for to assist another, someone who
has been invited to stand by our side.
In addition to the Holy Spirit, God often uses other people to
come alongside and help us, whether we are missionaries or in other
vocations. Most people in your passport country have others they can
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call on for help, whether pastor, counselor, or friends in a small

groupsuch as a Bible study group. Among missionaries who are
members of some mission agency or church, the term used for this
process of having someone come alongside to offer help is member
care. This may be something as routine as a regularly scheduled
visit from a pastor asking, How are you doing? Or it may be as rare
as a psychologist rushing to get to you within a couple days for a
trauma debriefing to help prevent post-traumatic stress disorder.
Who needs member care?
In modern individualistic western cultures where people learn
to make it on their own, even Christians may believe that they do
not need help from anyone except God. They may believe that asking
for help is a sign of immaturity or weakness, a lack of faith or
spirituality, or perhaps a symptom of illnesseither mental or
physical.
At the training sessions during the orientation of his twelve
disciples Jesus told them where to go, what to take, what to do, and
how to deal with conflict. He was not kidding when he went on to tell
them to be on their guard because he was sending them out like sheep
among wolves (Matthew 10). Today as you face the wolves of
missionary life whether they are malaria, dengue fever, parasites,
depression, anxiety, conflict, burnout, grief, guilt, temptations,
assault, the violent death of a colleague, or demonic forces, you may
need someone to come and stand by your side.
At the similar orientation session for the seventy-two others,
Jesus sent them out in twos (Luke 10). No one went alone. First
Church in Antioch commissioned Paul and Barnabas to leave on their
first term (the first missionaries), and as they left, John went with
them as well (Acts 13). When Paul and Barnabas could not agree on
who should go along with them on their second term, they parted
company and went out as two missionary teams of two each (Acts
15). There were no Lone Rangers (even the Lone Ranger had
Tonto, his national companion). Instead of being a sign of weakness,
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a lack of faith, or a symptom of illness, asking someone for help is a

sign of normality, reality, and health.
Everyone seems to recognize that lone missionaries in frontier
work need member care, but so do administrators in the home office.
Even people in the secular world know that it is lonely at the top.
Though surrounded by people, chief administrators may feel very
alone and need someone to come alongside.
In every war there are many support staff for every soldier on
the front lines. When soldiers come back from the front, they are
expected and allowed to report that the battle was terrible, that they
were anxious, discouraged, and that the conflict was awful. Some
say, War is hell. Missionaries are on the frontline of a spiritual war
between the powers of good and evil, and their battles are even worse.
They need even more support staff, more member care during which
they can share their inner battles, because they are literally in a war
with the forces of hell.
Who gives member care?
Of course, anyone who cares can give member care. It may be
a high school friend, a distant relative, a retired neighbor from your
childhood, or anyone else. However, most often member care comes
from four major sources.
Your Sending Church. Ideally much member care comes from
your home church. Members can send letters, call you by
telephone, send packages of special things you miss, communicate
with you by e-mail, and come visit you. Unfortunately, in these
days of much education (going to college and then to seminary)
missionaries often lose close connections with their home
churches. They may have not really bonded with the last church
attended before going overseas so that the churches
commissioning them may not really feel like their sending church.
Thus they may receive little member care.
Likewise, your support may be in rather small amounts from
many churches or many individuals. Since no church really feels like
you are their missionary, you may receive little member care from
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anyone. When a pastor leaves a church, the new pastor may not know
you well and may give you little member care.
Other Missionaries. The people most likely to deeply understand
what you are going through and be able to empathize with you are
other missionaries. The missionaries you work with are the ones
best able to come alongside, but if you share too much, that may
affect your working relationships. You may be able to form a
bond with missionaries from other agencies in the area, if there
are others nearby.
Your Agency. Many medium-size and large agencies now have
people whose assignment is to give member care. These may be
pastors, veteran missionaries, counselors, and so forth. They may
be at centers in different parts of the world, or they may travel
from country to country giving care to missionaries in that agency.
Member Care Specialists. At times you may rather talk with
someone completely outside your agency. You may have
personal problems that you do not want to share with anyone in
the agency or for which you think there is no help in the agency.
Pastors, counselors, social workers, psychologists, and
psychiatrists who specialize in missionary care are available to
come alongside and help.
How do I get member care?
Ask for it. Tell people when you need help. Find someone
you can ask for help when you face the wolves of missionary life.
Your Sending Church. If you do not feel like you have a sending
church, ask a church to play that role for you. Tell them you want
to be their missionary, and ask for care from them. You may
even want a coalition of churches geographically near each other
to be your sending church and furlough in their area. Tell them
that re-entry and furlough are difficult, and you want their help
especially during that time. Tell them that you need letters and
phone calls while on the field; then tell them when you are getting
too much e-mail so that they will not expect immediate, personal
replies.
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Other Missionaries. Form support groups with others on your

field in your agency or nearby. Meet regularly for Bible study,
prayer, and general care for each other. Form accountability
relationships with two or three others.
Your Agency. Tell your administrators when you need care. Ask
them to find someone to give you regular pastoral care if they do
not already have someone playing that role.
Member Care Specialists. Some organizations specialize in
supplying on-field care for missionaries. This may involve a cost,
or the care may be free. Other organizations provide care in
sending countries, places where you can temporarily withdraw
from the battle and receive help from mental health professionals.
The order of Stephanas

The missionary, Paul, wrote to the Corinthians about
missionary care he received. The household of Stephanas were the
first converts in Achaia, and Paul noted that they had devoted
themselves to the service of the saints (1 Corinthians 16:15). Paul
said that he was glad when Stephanas, Fortunatas, and Achaius
arrived because they brought just what was lacking. He wrote, They
refreshed my spirit. That is just what people do for missionaries
today when they provide member carethey bring what is lacking
and refresh spirits.
People supplying member care do not need to be mental health
professionals to be of great help. Literally hundreds of studies have
shown that paraprofessionals (people who have received some basic
training in the rudiments of counseling) can be just as effective in
helping others as are those who are licensed or certified by some state
board or agency.
`
Thus, sensitive people from your sending church, empathetic
colleagues on your field, understanding administrators in your
agency, or professionally trained member care specialists can be of
great help as you face the wolves among whom God has sent you.
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46
about Psychological Testing
As a missionary, especially if you are a missionary candidate,

you may wonder about psychological testing. When asked to take
such tests, you may ask some of the following: Why do I have to take
these tests? Isnt a call enough? What tests will I have to take?
What will I learn from them? What will happen to me as a result of
taking them? What if I refuse? Let us consider some of these
questions.
Why psychological tests?
Psychological tests may be used with missionaries for many
purposes. Some tests may be used in the selection process to screen
out people from being missionaries. Others are used to help place
people in the positions where they will be most effective. Others are
used to give missionaries insights into their own personality traits and
the traits of others with whom they work so that they can better work
together. Still others may be used to evaluate difficulties children are
having with their work in school. Thus mission agencies use
psychological tests for a wide variety of purposes.
Isnt a call enough?
If God has called a person to a missionary task, are
psychological tests made by humans necessary? If the call is really
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from God, such tests may not be necessary, but calls may come
from a variety of sources. Some people label as a call their desire for
travel; others interpret their search for adventure and excitement as a
call; still others interpret encouragement from family or friends as
indicating a call.
Although most calls are what they seem to be, some may be
delusions. It is important to determine this. Milton Rokeach wrote
The Three Christs of Ypsilanti, a book about three people in a state
hospital who all believed they were Jesus Christ. Likewise, some
mentally ill people believe they are called to missions. Certainly no
one should be kept from missions because of performance on one
psychological test, but if suspected pathology is supported by other
tests and interviews, such people should not become missionaries at
least during times of active illness.
Todays individualistic missionary calls seem to be quite
different from the call to a worshiping, fasting church in Acts 13:1-3.
To this church the Holy Spirit said, Set apart for me Barnabus and
Saul for the work to which I have called them. After further prayer
and fasting by the church, Paul and Barnabus were commissioned and
sent on their mission. The call was to the church as well as to the
individuals.
What tests will be used?
A wide variety of tests may be used depending on the purpose
of the assessment. The best way to find out about which tests will be
given and why they will be given is to ask your agency. The tests
used should be reliable, valid, and standardized.
Reliable tests are those that consistently give the same results. A
good test will not say that you are a strong extrovert one day and
say that you are an introvert the next.
Valid tests are those which measure what they say they are
measuring. For example, if a test claims to measure intelligence,
it should be related to academic performance.
Standardized tests are those given to everyone under the same
conditions so that your results can be compared to results of others
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who have taken the test. For example, a score on a depression
scale of a test might indicate that a person checked more of the
items indicating depression than 90% of the general population.
Agencies request many different types of tests. They may

want to know about a persons cognitive ability, most commonly in
the form of some intelligence test. Aptitude tests give some
indication of a persons potential to learn something, such as another
language. Achievement tests measure what has been learned.
To help place people in positions where they will be happiest
and most effective, agencies may requests tests of interests,
personality characteristics, abilities, skills, and work values.
To learn what people are like, agencies may request
personality tests. These are the tests that seem to produce the most
anxiety among missionaries.
MBTI: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator was developed from
Carl Jungs personality theory and is widely given within mission
agencies. Someone with minimal training can administer it. Its
goal is to help people understand themselves and others along four
dimensions, such as introversion-extraversion.
16PF: The Sixteen Personality Factor Questionnaire was
developed by a sophisticated statistical procedure which groups
information into categories, in this case 16 categories of
personality traits such as warmth, dominance, and tension.
Persons interpreting the 16PF need more training than is necessary
with the MBTI.
MMPI: The Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory was
developed to diagnose psychological disorders, so some of its
scales were originally labeled with terms such as Depression and
Paranoia. However, it has been further revised and standardized
on normal populations from which hundreds of normal personality
scales have been developed. It is very widely used, gives a broad
range of information ranging from disorders to normal personality
traits. Only someone with extensive training should interpret it,
especially as it relates to people in ministry.
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The MBTI, 16PF, and MMPI are each more than half a
century old, and each has been the subject of thousands of research
studies. When interpreted by someone familiar with people in
ministry, these tests and others like them can be a good source of
information to help facilitate your personal growth. They may also
help prevent your being placed in situations where you are likely to
have difficulty.
What will I learn from the tests?
What you learn depends on the purpose of the testing, the tests
used, what kind of professional administers the tests, and what
agreement you made before taking them.
When psychologists administer tests, their ethical standards
require that an explanation of the results is provided using language
that is reasonably understandable to the person assessed or to another
legally authorized person (such as a parent of a child) on behalf of the
client. That is, you are entitled to an explanation of the results in
terms you can understand. Of course, educators, counselors, social
workers, etc. also give tests, and what they tell you depends on their
own ethical codes.
If the mission agency has hired a professional to give the tests,
the agency may ask that the results be given only to itself, and not to
you. If you have agreed to that, you will not receive any of the results
directly. In such a case what you do learn from the tests will depend
on what the agency wants to share with you.
What will happen to me?
What happens depends on the purpose of the tests and the tests
given. Nothing should happen on the basis of one test alone.
However, if several reliable, valid tests and follow-up interviews
indicate reason for concern, several things may happen.
Rejection. One fear candidates may have is that they will be
rejected by the agency. That seldom happens, but it may. A
person having delusions and hallucinations should not be a
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missionary, at least not at that time. The person may recover in

the future and then serve God in missions, but not everyone
recovers from such disorders.
Delay. Another fear candidates may have is that a problem will
be discovered that will have to be solved before they become
missionaries. For example, people with poor interpersonal skills
may need to learn more about relating to others. Rather than
being feared, this should be seen as an opportunity to improve
ones effectiveness in missions.
Placement. The results of the tests may result in your being
placed in particular places or positions. For example, a depressed
person may become suicidal when put under the additional stress
caused by living in another culture. A person with a personality
disorder may seriously disrupt an entire team on the field. Such
individuals may be given a home assignment.
Growth. Many personality, cognitive, or vocational interest tests
lead to insight into your own traits, abilities, and interests. They
can help you develop your potential in missions to its greatest
extent.
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47
about Counseling
You have been struggling with a problem for some time and
cannot seem to solve it. You have thought about going to someone
for counseling, but you have reservations. Does that mean there is
something wrong with you? What does the Bible say? To whom do
you go? Will what you say get back to headquarters? Who will pay?
Let us consider some of these questions.
Does needing counseling mean that something is wrong with me?
What if I refuse?
If you refuse to take the tests, what happens depends on the
policy of your mission agency. Probably the most important question
to ask yourself is why you would want to refuse. If you are trying to
hide something, it is probably better to get it out into the open and
discuss it with someone in the mission. If you are afraid of what you
might find out about yourself, you may be better off learning about
itand discovering that you had nothing to fear or that it can be
changed.
Psychological tests are not given to harm people, but to help
them. Gaining insight into yourself and being placed in the right
position in the organization lead to personal growth and to more
effective work in the kingdom.
In our individualistic culture, some people believe that if you

need help solving a problem, then you must be weak, not spiritual
enough, or even mentally ill. That is not the case. We all need help
from others just to know how to solve some of the normal problems
that are a part of life. How should I discipline my children? What is
my responsibility to my aging parents? How can I solve this conflict
with my spouse?
A counselor will not make the decision for you, but will help
you explore your dilemma to make the decision. He or she may
provide information, suggest action you can take, explore the
implications of the various options you have, and so forth.
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What does the Bible say about counseling?

The Bible makes it clear that you may receive good or bad
counsel, and it is up to you to seek out good counsel. Christ was
called the Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9). As Jesus was leaving he
promised another Counselor would come to be with us forever, the
Holy Spirit (John 14-16). This other comforter, the Paraclete is
one called or sent for to assist another. A counselor is basically a
helper, one to come alongside in time of need. We are repeatedly
urged to seek counsel from the Lord.
In addition, we are told to have many counselors at the human
level. Even Solomon with all his wisdom often advised having
counselors, many counselors (Proverbs 11:14, 12:15, 13:10, 15:22,
20:18, 24:6). Of course, we are also warned not to take the counsel of
the wicked.
What kind of counselor should I see?
There are more than half a dozen different types of people you
may choose. All will counsel you, but various ones have different
tools they are more likely to use.
Wise lay person. You may simply want to talk with someone you
believe has experienced much in life and is very wise. This
person is likely to give advice and urge you to take a particular
course of action.
Pastor/pastoral counselor. People in this role are likely to look for
spiritual problems, and are more likely to pray with you, lay hands
on you, anoint you with oil, or apply scripture to your situation.
Clinical psychologist /counseling psychologist / counselor. These
individuals are most likely to talk with you and help to detect
problems in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Clinical social worker. This individual is likely to look at your
relationships with others as a source of your problem.
Psychiatrist. This is a person trained as a physician and is more
likely to look for a physical basis for your problem, to give you
medication to improve your thinking or emotional balance.
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Ideally all of these individuals should look at all causes,

spiritual, psychological, social, and physical, but each has his or her
emphasis. You may even want to talk to two at the same time, telling
each that you are seeing another. Find someone who is competent, in
whom you have confidence, and to whom you can relate.
If the person you first talk with is unable to help, feel free to
see someone else. Of course, continue with the first person long
enough to find out whether or not the treatment works. All
approaches may take several sessions for noticeable improvement to
occur.
Should I see someone inside or outside the mission?
This is up to you. The important thing is to find a competent
person to whom you can relate, and these kinds of people are found
both within mission organizations and outside them. It is a matter of
personal preference, but find someone who really listensto be heard
often means to be healed.
One study found that a persons missionary status influenced
whether counsel was preferred from within or outside the
organization. Missionaries in candidacy or prefield orientation tended
to prefer counsel from someone within the organization. Missionaries
who had experienced significant difficulties on the field preferred
counsel from someone not affiliated with the mission.
Should I see a professional?
Again, this is up to you. The idea that persons are qualified to
give counsel only because of their education and credentials from a
governmental agency is a modern Western one. For most of history,
people simply sought counsel from those they perceived as wise.
Today agencies license or certify professionals who have met
specified educational standards and have had a minimum of
supervised experience. These credentials assure you that the person
has met the criteria of some board of the state.
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Dozens of studies have been done comparing professional and

paraprofessional helpers, and the research has usually not found
significant differences in the outcome of the two. The
paraprofessionals, people with some counseling training, were usually
just as effective as the professionals in helping people resolve most
problems.
Of course, if you are thinking about harming yourself, see a
professional who can evaluate how likely you are to do so, and who
can take effective steps to prevent harm.
When and where should I seek counsel?
The simple answer is the sooner the better right where you are.
People tend to wait too long and think they have to go back home.
Before the problem arises. Many times you anticipate a problem
arising. Learn about raising children before you have them.
Prevention is always better than restoration!
As soon as the problem arises. You may not have seen the
problem coming, but as soon as you see you have a problem, look
for help. This is especially important if trauma is involved. Then
you need to talk with a competent person within 36-72 hours of
the trauma.
After the fact. If you were unable to find counsel before or during
the crisis, talk with someone about it when you get the chance; do
not let it build inside you. Paul was grateful when Stephanas,
devoted to the service of the saints, visited him and refreshed my
spirit (1 Corinthians 16).
Will what I say be kept confidential?

That is something you want to establish before you begin
talking about your issue. This is usually done at the first session
when you will be given an informed consent statement if you see a
professional. This statement should have in writing the procedures
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that will be followed while you are seeing the professional, including
the confidentiality policy.
In most states in the USA professionals are legally required to
break confidentiality if harm is involved or if ordered to in a court of
law, such as in a custody dispute for children.
Most informed consent statements will have the following
limitations on confidentiality:
If you say you intend to harm yourself, the counselor will take
whatever steps are necessary to prevent that, including telling
others.
If you say you intend to harm someone else, the counselor will
inform the intended victim and authorities where you live and
where the intended victim lives.
If you report abuse of some helpless person, such as a child, or
aging adult, the counselor will report that to protective services.
If a judge compels a counselor to reveal something in court, most
counselors will do so.
Of course, the informed consent statement may include other
conditions as well, so read it carefully before signing it. The
statement is meant to make it clear to all involved when confidence
will be broken.
If someone else (insurance company, governmental agency) is
paying for you to be counseled, they will at least be told that you are
talking to the counselor, and most require some diagnosis as well.
That becomes a part of your medical record.
Who will pay the bill?
Someone may volunteer to counsel you for free. If there is a
charge, you can, of course, pay the bill yourself.
If you want a third party, such as an insurance company, to
pay the bill, you will probably have to seek counsel from a competent
professional, someone with professional credentials. Of course, you
may request to see a Christian mental health professional if you wish.
If your insurance company is paying, be sure to check what your co-
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payment is, how many sessions the insurance company allows, and
specific referral procedures.
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48
about Debriefing
You may say, I already know about debriefing because Ive

been through it several times. As I left for home, the field director
asked me to rate the adequacy of my housing, whether or not I felt
overworked, how my kids got along in school, how many people
came to Christ under my ministry Then I did nearly the same
thing again at headquarters with someone there.
That is one kind of debrief, an organizational debrief. That is
necessary for the agency to gather information, and it is done
primarily for the good of the agency. However, even more important
is a personal debrief, one done primarily for your own good. This
debrief may be done individually or as part of a group of people who
have been through similar experiences, such as a traumatic experience
or returning to your passport country. It is an opportunity to reflect
on the meaning of personal experiences as well as changes within
yourself and your family.
Jonah, an early cross-cultural missionary, had just been part of a
city-wide revival in Nineveh, but he was filled with anger. God
himself debriefed Jonah, asking him, Do you have a right to be
angry? Jonah apparently did not reply but went off to sulk a while.
After more things went wrong, God again asked, Do you have a right
to be angry? This time Jonah finally let all his anger out so that God
and he could deal with it together.
Of course, debriefing is also good after a great experience. When
the 72 returned from their evangelistic campaign (Luke 10:17), they
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were filled with joy and enthusiastic that even the demons had
submitted. At this point, Jesus cautioned them not to get carried way
with the power they had experienced, but with the fact that their
names were written in heaven.
Why Debrief?
This personal debrief is particularly helpful in times of crisis or
transition to help bring closure to an earlier chapter in your life and to
help you leave behind any emotional baggage that accumulated
during that time. The debriefing time helps you do three things.
Verbalize. Expressing your thoughts and feelings verbally
clarifies both. As you talk with others, you may find that you do
not like what you hear yourself saying.
Normalize. Whether in a group or with someone who understands
your situation, you are likely to find that you are not alone in what
you think and feel. You will come to realize that such thoughts
and feelings are normal, that others have the same ones.
Contextualize. A good debrief helps you put your experiences
into the context of your life. You can relate those experiences to
earlier events in your life and see how God is using them to
prepare you for the future.
You may not be angry like Jonah was, but your experience may
have left you frightened, discouraged, exhausted, emotionally drained,
or any number of things. Here are several questions that will help.
Where are you?
God asked this question of the man in the garden in Genesis 3:9.
Since God knew where the man was, why ask the question? To get
the man to express where he wasnot where he was geographically,
but where he was psychologically and spiritually. Note that the man
answers by telling what he experienced (heard God), what he felt
(was afraid), and what he did (hid).
Ask yourself the following BASIC questions.
Behaviorally. Are your actions what you want them to be?
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Affectively. Are you satisfied with your feelings, your emotions?

Spiritually. Is your relationship with God alive and growing?
Interpersonally. Are your relationships with your family and/or
colleagues positive?
Cognitively. Can you concentrate, thinking clearly and logically?
What have you done?

God asked this question of the woman in the garden in Genesis
3:13. As with the man, God knew what the woman had done.
However, he wanted her to say it, to confess. She did, but she blamed
the serpent for her wrong actions. If you have done bad things, God
wants repentance, not rationalization or projection.
In Luke 9:10 we find the apostles returning from their first shortterm evangelistic assignment and reporting to Jesus what they had
done, good things. Again, Jesus did not stop them from reporting
what had happened because it was good for them to talk, to verbalize
it. It was also good for them to hear what the others had to report as
well, to normalize their own experiences.
After the first long-term cross-cultural missionary assignment,
Paul and Barnabas told their sending church and other churches they
visited on the way to Jerusalem about the conversions taking place
under their ministry (Acts 14:27; 15:3).
Where have you been?
An angel asked Hagar, Where have you come from? (Genesis
16:8). The angel was not puzzled about finding this woman along a
road in the desert and was not simply wondering what village she was
from. The angel wanted Hagar to know where she had been
emotionally, and Hagar realized that.
Hagar replied, I am running away from Sometimes
missionaries run away from people who mistreat them when they try
to help. In fact, it is often those you help the most that turn on you
and hurt you the most.
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After you have talked about it, you may find that sometimes God
wants you to shake the dust off your feet and leave, and at other times
he will say, Go back.and submit, as the angel told Hagar.
However, God always wants you to verbalize (confess) it and submit
it to him.
As you think about where you have been, consider how these past
events fit in with your life story. How is God using them to make you
into the person he wants you to be?
Where are you going?
The angel went on to ask Hagar, Where are you going?
(Genesis 16:8). Hagar did not even attempt to answer this question.
However, the angel told Hagar where she should go and what she
should do. Hagar obeyed.
At the end of Acts 15 Paul suggested to Barnabas that they return
to the towns they had visited on their first term of missionary service
to see how their converts were doing. Paul had some ideas about who
to take, where to go, and what to do. However, as you know, the
future was dramatically different. He took Silas, went to Europe, and
planted more churches.
It is good for us to think about where we are going and make
plans for the future, but we must remain open to other plans God may
have for us. If he wants us elsewhere doing other things, he will stop
us. Then he will send us to a different place to do something
different. In chapter 16 the Holy Spirit stopped Paul from going
particular places and gave him a vision of where he was to go.
What has God done with you?
This question is not one we find directly asked by anyone in
Scripture, but it is a question we find returning missionaries
answering to particular groups.
When Paul and Barnabas returned to their sending church at the
end of their first term of missionary service, they reported all that
God had done with them (Acts 14:27). During missionary
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service God works in peoples lives and changes them. The

Greek word meta is used hundreds of times in the New
Testament and is the simple word for with. Just as Jeremiah
talks about what the potter does with the clay, we need to become
aware of what God has done with us. (Unfortunately, a few
modern translations have translated meta as through, but it
basically means with.)
When Paul and Barnabas reached Jerusalem, they again reported
all that God had done with them (Acts 15: 4). They had seen
God work and were firmly convinced that anyone could be saved
by grace, even without following all the Jewish customs.
Note that Paul and Barnabas reported this to their sending
church and to the leaders at headquarters, but they did not report this
to the people in the churches they visited along the way. Some things
are better shared only with others who understand what God does
with people who serve him in other cultures.
Take a break!
Finally, a time of rest is important at the time of the debriefing,
whether after a crisis or during a time of transition
When the apostles came back after their first evangelistic
assignment (Luke 9:10), Jesus and the apostles withdrew by
themselves a while. Writing about this Mark noted that after they
had reported to Jesus what they had done, the crowds descended
on them all. They were so busy that they did not even have time
to eat. So Jesus told them to come with him to a quiet place and
get some rest (Mark 6:31).
Likewise after they had reported to their sending church, Paul and
Barnabas stayed there a long time with the disciples (Acts
14:28).
Such times of rest around the time of debriefing are very
important. Give yourself time during the transition or after the crisis
to get the rest you need. Today, as in New Testament times, many
things will come up that will put demands on your time. For your
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own good and the good of the Kingdom, make getting away to a quiet
place and getting some rest a high priority.
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49
... about Uncompleted Transitions
Talking about her director, a missionary said, He has never

lived on the field for more than a few weeks at a time. Even when he
is here over a summer, hes back and forth on weekends shuttling
groups.
She continued, One thing that is adding to my problem is the
fact that we seem to travel back and forth to the USA about every
two-three months ourselvesso we never quite get used to one thing
when we are doing an entry/re-entry type of thing.
Though these comments could be said about many
missionaries today, they would have rarely been said before the latter
half of the twentieth century, and never said at the beginning of it.
Earlier missionaries simply did not change cultures as frequently, so
they got used to things and felt at home wherever they were.
Changes have occurred during the last couple of centuries that
have led to many uncompleted transitions, to people changing
cultures not knowing whether they are both coming or going
because they are coming AND going. Some of the changes have
affected those serving cross-culturally.
A Transition Model
An intuitive model of what happens between people being
fully involved in one culture and their being fully involved in another
is that there are three stages.
Leaving. The leaving stage begins when people first seriously
consider leaving where they are, and it ends when they actually
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walk out the door on their way. Leaving often takes several
months and sometimes years.
In Transit. The transit stage of reentry begins when they leave
their houses in one culture, and it ends when they unpack their
minds, not just their suitcases, in the new culture. It may last only
a few hours or days, but it may also last several weeks or even
longer.
Entering. The entering stage begins when their minds are
unpacked, and it lasts until they are fully involved again in the
new culture. Just crossing the border into a different country does
not mean that they are integrated into that culture. It takes time
and energy to fully become part of the culture and become a part
of social groups there whether it is moving to a host country or
returning to a passport country. This often takes a full calendar
year or even longer.
Transitions are completed only if people have time to
complete the entering stage and fully become a part of their host
culture when they go or fully become a part of their passport culture
when they return.
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their luggage in coffins, expecting to remain there until they died.

They were not even thinking about coming home when they went.
Uncompleted Transitions on Return to the Passport Country
The invention of engines to power ships on the ocean and
locomotives on railroads made crossing oceans and continents
possible in weeks instead of months. Missionaries could return to
their passport countries for a furlough, and they did, often staying
for about a year. Soon it was common for them to serve four years in
their host country, then spend a year in their passport country, and
repeat this cycle for the rest of their lives.
Since it takes about a year to complete the entering stage, and
the missionaries were planning to return to their host country all that
time, they were entering and leaving at the same time. They were
simultaneously in the entering and leaving stages, not knowing
whether they were coming or going. The transitions into their
passport countries were truncated. They never fully reentered.
Coming home for a one-year furlough was quite different from
coming home to stay.
Completed Transitions
Uncompleted Transitions into the Host Country
The earliest missionaries took months to cross oceans or
continents to reach many other cultures. Ships under sail, wagons
drawn by animals, and walking were slow enough to make it
impossible to go home for a few days or weeks. So when people
went, they stayed for years in their host culture. They did the same
when they returned to their passport cultures. Their transitions were
completed.
When William Carey and his family sailed nonstop from
England to India in 1793, it took five months. Little had changed
from the times the apostle Paul served in the eastern Mediterranean
(Acts 21).
Missionaries often went expecting to return many years later,
if ever. The threat of disease was so great that some people packed
The invention of jet airplanes made it possible to cross oceans

and continents in hours instead of weeks or months. Short-term
mission trips a week or two long became common. The people
leaving had no intention of fully entering the host country because
they remained in vacation mode while they were there.
Even career missionaries anywhere in the world knew that
they could get home in hours, and they sometimes did. Some still
fully entered their host cultures and returned to their passport
countries only for special events such as weddings, funerals, and
graduations. Others never fully entered their host countries but lived
in their two worlds successively, coming home every summer for
several weeks or months. They were never quite full time in either
host or passport country, but part-time in each.
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Living in Two Worlds Simultaneously

The invention of the telegraph and telephone made
communication possible, but it was quite expensive, not available in
many places, and or relatively poor quality. However, the digital age
came about the turn of the 21st century, and its amenities were
available most places missionaries served, inexpensive, and of
excellent quality. It made communication with people back home
commonplace. Some popular options became available.
Email allows one to send written materials and images to
someones computer where it is available whenever the person
checks the mail.
Instant messaging allows two people to send and receive written
messages to each other live, while both are online
Voice over Internet Protocol (VoIP) allows people to converse
orally while both are online, and they can even simultaneously see
each other visually if they both have webcams and a fast enough
connection.
Facebook allows people to post written information and images on
their page and allow their friends to access it.
Twitter enables people to send short text messages to whoever
wants to receive them, often items about everyday life.
Today it is no longer necessary for people to travel back to
their passport cultures to keep up-to-date (even up to the minute) on
what their friends are doing back there. Information is posted on
Facebook, in an email, or even available as twitter on cell phones. No
transitions need be completed because people can live simultaneously
in two or more cultures. This has both advantages and parallel
disadvantages.
Advantages
1. Living in two cultures is advantageous for projects involving
things such as constructing buildings, installing radio stations,
and cataloging library books.
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2. It is a plus for being available for assistance on making decisions,

and supplying information.
3. It is an asset for in-and-out projects that do not involve learning
the language and the culture. People do not have to put in the
years it takes to learn these, so they can accomplish more in less
time
4. It is good for people who can keep up on issues in their passport
culture so that changing cultures on reentry is not as much of a
shock as when they had no contact with it for several years.
Disadvantages
1. Such a lifestyle is a hindrance for projects involving people, such
as building relationships, discipling, and mentoring.
2. It is a minus for not letting someone get a time of rest from
problems while on assignment elsewhere. Furthermore, field
directors who complained about decisions by people far away
making decisions without really understanding may find
themselves doing the same thing.
3. It is a liability for people who do not understand the culture
because they may offend nationals by something as simple as
using a gesture which is a sign of approval in one culture but
obscene in another.
4. It is difficult for people who find themselves marginalized in both
cultures, not really fitting in with either. For years we have
referred to TCKs as growing up between cultures. These people
are living between cultures with lack of a clear identity in either.
Conclusion
Uncompleted transitions have good and bad points. They may
not only give people more of a sense of accomplishment for what they
do but also give them a feeling of a lack of identity because they dont
fit anywhere.
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50
Part 7.
Ending Well
This book began with the basics: maintaining health, coping

with stress, living in a time-oriented culture, having realistic
expectations, saying goodbye, and reentering your host culture.
Those activities are so basic that they are relevant as you end your
missionary career. In addition, you will continue to face the everyday
challenges as well as challenges that may become problems.
However, relationships with the family members and with
others tend to change. As you near retirement in a day when many
people live far into their eighties and nineties, you may face the
question of what to do about aging parents as well as your own
retirement. As you become older, look for things indicating whether
you are becoming better or becoming bitter. Remember that you have
the choice of which you become. May you age gracefully and with
joy!
... about Premature Departure

from the Field
Dave and Mary arrived back in their passport country with a

sigh of relief. The political turmoil and threat of violence were over,
and their children were safely back in school. They had planned to
stay in their host country four years, but their agency required them to
come home after only a year because of the danger.
Unfortunately, within a few weeks different stresses were
plaguing Dave and Mary. They felt unneeded, sad, and guilty. Other
people did not understand, and they really did not fit well back in
their home community. Such a premature departure from the field is
often much more difficult than a return at the end of a persons
commitment.
Premature departures have been occurring for thousands of
years, so let us consider some in the Bible. What are reasons for
leaving, who is affected, what emotions may arise, and what can
people do?
Did this happen in Bible times?
This happened several times for different reasons during the
first term of cross-cultural service in the book of Acts. Paul and
Barnabas were commissioned to serve, and before they sailed John
Mark joined to help. They served across Cyprus and then traveled to
Perga, a city in what is now Turkey (Acts 13:1-13). Then the
premature departures began.
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From Perga. John Mark left Perga to return to Jerusalem, the

headquarters (Acts 13:13). The Bible does not say why he left,
and today the official explanation would be given as personal
reasons. He may have been homesick, tired, or any of many
reasons.
From Antioch. People from their passport country stirred up some
nationals in Antioch to expel Paul and Barnabas, so they left the
region because they were asked to leave (Acts 13:50-51).
From Iconium. Again people from their passport country and
nationals from Iconium were plotting to harm Paul and Barnabas,
so they fled from the potential harm (Acts 14:5-6).
From Lystra. The same two groups actually stoned Paul and left
him for dead. Paul survived. He and Barnabas left Lystra the
next day in the face of proven danger (Acts 14:19-20).
Cross-cultural workers have probably always had to leave
their host country from time to time. They are not citizens there, so
they know their time may be limited.
Why do missionaries have to leave?

In these two chapters of Acts people departed prematurely
from their fields because of personal reasons, because they were
expelled, because they needed to flee from potential harm or to escape
a proven danger. People may leave for many other reasons, and here
are some of the most frequent ones.
Physical illness which makes them ineffective or requires
treatment at home
Psychological problems ranging from anxiety to mental illness
Problems with children or adolescents who are unable to function
in the host culture
Political turmoil in the host country
Financial needs which require raising funds in their passport
country
Stress and exhaustion which make staying in the host culture
impossible
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Problems with aging parents unable to care for themselves or

property needs
Moral failure which prohibits effective work in the host culture
Conflict with other cross-cultural workers which cannot be
resolved
This is just a sample of the reasons people leave their host
countries. The list is almost endless, but the reason for leaving has an
effect on how people feel about their own leaving and how others
react as well. For example, if people leave because they have
illnesses that need treatment at home, they may feel quite different
about it, and others may react differently than if they are caught
embezzling agency funds.
What emotions occur?

The range of emotions is as varied as the reasons for leaving.
Some may be very positive, at least at first. For example, if one has
just returned from a stressful, dangerous, or conflict filled situation,
the primary emotion is likely to be a feeling of relief. However,
negative emotions are likely to occur as well. Here are some of the
most common.
Grief because of the loss of so many things such as home, friends,
work, and social position
Anger because of having so many things taken from you through
no fault of your own
Fear and anxiety because of the unexpected trauma and not
knowing what will happen next
Concern for the plight of those left behind
Guilt because you are no longer helping the people you felt called
to serve
Shock because everything was so sudden and you have still not
had time to process it all in your mind
Shame because what you did was morally wrong and it hurt so
many people among your family and friends
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Depression and discouragement because you should have known

better and things seem so bleak now
Resentment because people you believed were your friends turned
on you
The list can go on and on, but, in general, people tend to have low
self-esteem, believe they are misunderstood or forgotten, and feel
useless.
Who is involved?
Individuals tend to feel alone and forgotten when having to
leave; however, the premature departure has an effect on many other
people as well.
Families, including both the immediate family and the extended
family. Spouses and children usually have to depart as well, so
their lives are also disrupted. The extended family back home
is often involved as this part of the family returns.
Colleagues who are left on the field and have to take on new
responsibilities may resent what has happened.
Nationals with whom the missionary has been working may not
be ready to fulfill their roles alone.
Agencies which have to scramble to try to find someone to take
over projects on short notice may be under severe stress.
People back home who do not fully understand what has
happened may feel like you have abandoned your calling
What can missionaries do?
Missionaries who are immediately transferred to a different
field face challenges because they are usually entering a new culture
even if the language is the same. This is even more difficult than
most times when missionaries go to new fields because they have had
little time for orientation before going, and often no one is prepared to
give them an on-field orientation where they go.
Missionaries who return to their passport cultures also face
challenges. Reentry is often a major transition even when it is a
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scheduled return. Changing cultures is difficult for most people even

when expected. A premature reentry is even more difficult for two
reasons. First, it is often unexpected and sudden so little time is
available to prepare. Second, since it is premature, other people tend
to expect an explanation. Some are relatively easy, such as when
there is obvious physical illness or dangerous political upheaval.
Other explanations are difficult, such as conflict with a colleague or
moral failure.
Though transfer to a different field or reentry into ones
passport culture after premature departure is more difficult, the steps
are basically the same as after a scheduled one. If it was a sudden,
unexpected departure, the order of the steps may have to be changed
slightly.
Face the Present. As soon as possible do whatever is necessary to
bring a relatively normal structure to your life and the life of
your family. For example, you need to immediately get
temporary housing, transportation, and anything else necessary for
living. If you have children, get them in school or begin home
schooling to bring structure to their lives.
Acknowledge your loss. Leaving early means that you have more
losses and less time to grieve than people departing at scheduled
times. Take time to grieve these losses whether this means doing
it with others who have also had to leave or do it alone if you find
yourself apart from others who left. Remember that you lost your
role, your ministry, your plans for the future there, and so forth.
Close the past. Although you may be able to return after your
illness is over, after the political situation is resolved, and so forth,
do not count on it. You served God there as he led, and you are
not able to continue at this time. You may be able to return as
Paul and Barnabas did (Acts 14:21-24), or you may never be able
to go back. Have someone debrief you and help you see how your
premature departure fits into your life story. Then let the past
gobut be ready to return if the opportunity comes again and you
feel led to go.
Move into the future. After you are functioning in the present and
have closed the past, you are ready to begin planning and moving
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into the future. This may be anything from taking a similar
position in another country, to starting a new ministry in your
passport country, to returning to your host country, to pursuing
higher education, to taking an entirely new course that you believe
is Gods plan for you and your family.
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51
... about Aging Parents
As you move toward middle age and your children become

adolescents, you may find yourself as part of the sandwich
generation, sandwiched between your parents and your offspring.
Although your culture holds you legally responsible for your
offspring, it may not hold you legally responsible for your parents.
However, you feel some responsibility for your parents. After all,
they cared for you as a child, and it seems reasonable that, in return,
you care for them when they need you. In addition, the Bible
commands us to honor our parents.
People who do not cross cultures and travel to another
continent face this same issue, but they are not as far away from
parents as you are. They are also much more likely to be personally
involved. Although some people have always face the question of
determining their responsibility for their aging parents, only in the last
century has the majority done so. Not only do more people face this
issue, but it also remains an issue for a much longer period of time as
life spans increase. Newly retired people commonly have
responsibilities for parents who are in their 80s and 90s.
Although there are no easy answers to the questions arising
about aging parents, knowing what to expect can help you give some
forethought to what you might do. Following are some of the usual
phases people move through as they age in western culture. Some
people pass through all these phases with years spent in each; others
may skip many of them due to accident or sudden serious illness. We
could list six possible phases.
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Enjoying freedom
Although there is no particular age at which people in our
culture are considered to be old, retirement is often the time when
people begin to be treated as older, as aging. Retirement often
begins when people are in their 50s, increases in the early to mid 60s,
and a large majority of people are retired by the time they are 70 years
old.
Most people find that the early years of retirement are
wonderful. After an initial adjustment period in which either or both
spouses may say something like, I married you for better or worse,
but not for lunch, couples find that they enjoy the freedom from set
schedules and the time of being together. These people are often
called the young-old, a time defined by attitude and activity rather
than by chronological age. With Social Security, pensions, and other
benefits they usually have enough money to do things they want. As
long as they have their health, they are involved in life
During this phase, they have few responsibilities other than to
cheer them on through the 10, 15, 20 or more years it lasts. Some
people may need a little help finding a vocation, something they
feel called to do. However, most become involved in such things as
volunteering, becoming involved with grandchildren, or even
becoming a finisher, involved in missions. If they have not already
done so you may encourage them to do the following:
Make a will.
Appoint a health care surrogate.
Make a living will.
Appoint durable power of attorney.
Make funeral arrangements.
Beginning reflection
Sometimes this phase comes suddenly, such as with a serious
illness or financial loss. However, it more often occurs internally,
with no one else even being aware of it, such as when people realize
308
that they really arent the men or women they used to be. It may
occur when a close friend or a sibling dies so that people face their
own mortality in more personal ways.
During this phase even very successful people may begin to
think that their lives have been worthless, and they may become
depressed. Just when they most need to talk about it with others, they
may begin to withdraw.
Unfortunately, many parents and children have never engaged
in serious conversation. If you have not done it before, this is a good
time to begin talking about important questions and issues in life.
You can be of real help to your parents in opening up these areas by
Visiting with them.
Bringing news about others.
Asking tactful questions.
Encourage life review by
Asking for autobiography.
Asking about old photographs.
Having them draw pictures of places they have lived.
Asking about their spiritual journey.
Losing a Spouse
There is nothing more devastating than losing a spouse. This
loss phase requires more readjustment than any other event in a
persons life. It is often more difficult for men than for women,
primarily because men do not socialize as well.
Since most married couples do not die at the same time, you
will probably face the loss of one parent yourself as you help the other
parent work through his or her grief. Since this is the greatest loss
anyone faces, it usually takes many months, even years, to be ready to
get on with life. Be patient.
During this time you may have to help solve various problems
that arise.
Can your mother maintain home and car?
Can your father cook and clean?
309
What if the survivor sells the home?

What about remarriage?
What about entering a retirement community?
What about moving in with you?
These questions, and many more, will need answers. You,
your spouse, your children, and your siblings and their families will
all be impacted by the answers.
310
How can my life have any meaning?

As you do this, remember that our society has no good answer
to these questions. These questions have answers only in a
thoroughly Christian world-view. Our modern problem-solving
approach to life comes up short, but meaning is found in God and his
love for us as persons he made in his image.
Becoming dependent
Reversing roles
If the surviving parent does not die suddenly, the day will
probably come when you go to visit, and he or she will have a list of
things for you to do. You switch from being the one being helped to
the one giving the helpand your parent switches to the one
receiving the help, often very difficult to do.
Both of you want the aging one to be as independent as
possible and make as many decisions as possible. As you
increasingly become the caregiver, it is good to repeatedly ask
yourself several questions.
How much should I do?
How much can I say?
Am I doing any good?
What about my spouse and children?
In the three phases previously considered, there was always
something you could do with the hope that things would get better.
As your roles reverse, more and more you realize that things are not
going to get better. They only get worse. One thing to remember is
that no matter how you answer the questions above as things get
worse, you are likely to feel guilty, even though you are not guilty of
anything. If you are in your passport country caring for your parent,
you are likely to feel guilty. If you are overseas, you are as likely to
feel guilty.
Probably the most important thing you can do during this
phase is to help your parent answer such questions as these:
What good am I?
When role reversal is complete, you may find that your parent
is now dependent on you for help with such routine maintenance
functions as getting into and out of bed, bathing, dressing, and eating.
When this time comes, the goal of independent living is out of the
financial reach of most families, especially missionary families.
Whatever is done next is best as a family decision with the
parent and all surviving children present. This meeting should have a
mechanism for everyone to be able to express his or her position. All
possible options must be considered. If the family has enough money,
the person may be able to stay at home, with someone hired to care
for him or her at all times. However, if that is not possible, there are
several options:
Someone move in with the parent.
The parent move in with the family of one of the children.
A home in a retirement village where people are on call to give
assistance.
An assisted living facility where the person does some care for
himself or herself in a room alone, but where meals and
medications are prepared by professional staff.
A nursing home where skilled nursing care is available 24 hours a
day.
By this stage Alzheimers and other dementias are rather
common, and the parent may not even realize what is happening.
During the last few years of her life my own mother was cared for by
her children and grandchildren, but she referred to them as the
people who work here. Though she did not want to be put in a
nursing home and was cared for by family, her Alzheimers was at a
311
stage where she did not even realize it. One must not let guilt feelings
reign in such a situation.
312
52
Saying Goodbye
This last phase is usually a short one. People often find that
facing death in a few days or weeks is quite different from facing it in
the abstract future. Most people prefer to die at home with friends
and family around them. Some want to talk about their impending
death.
This is the time of facing the final enemy, and no one wants to
do that alone, sick, and tired. This is the time for all to be available,
gather around, and say goodbye.
about Retirement
Paul, Barnabas, Silas, and their companions never planned for

retirement or made the transition into it. They simply kept working
until they died. Retirement for the masses is an invention of our
modern western culture. Never before in history have the majority of
people had enough money to be able to quit working with 20-30 years
of their lives remaining.
If Jesus were telling the parable of the rich man in Luke 12
today, he would probably talk about the missionary getting on-line
daily to check his retirement portfolio, thinking about diversifying,
perhaps by a strategic rebalancing of stocks, bonds, and real estate.
This modern rich missionary may still say to himself or herself, You
have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy, eat,
drink and be merry (Luke 12:19)
Retirement can take many forms from a delightful, freeing
experience to a traumatic, depressing one. A major factor in
determining which it becomes is the planning one has done. Most
people make some sort of financial plan for it, if nothing more than
knowing that Social Security (or similar benefits) will be available.
However, people need to think about where they will live, if they will
have enough money, what they will do, and who will be in their circle
of friends. This planning should begin early, but at the latest, early in
the last term of service before retirement.
313
314
Where will I live?
Will I have enough money?
Unlike people who remain in the country of their birth, many

missionaries do not own homes where they can live in their passport
country during retirement. Some of the options might be:
Early in their careers some missionaries do buy a home in their
passport country. They live in it while on home ministry
assignment and rent it to other people while out of the country.
The rent pays the mortgage payments, maintenance, insurance and
taxes. Of course, to make this work, one has to plan decades in
advanceand have a reliable friend to manage the house.
Missionaries who do not own homes at retirement have a variety
of options:
Buy an existing house, if they have enough savings set aside
and can find a suitable one where they want to live.
Build a home if they have the finances and can find suitable
property.
Lease or rent a home.
Enter a retirement community. Many agencies and churches
have these with many different plans for becoming part of the
community.
In addition to the house, missionaries who do not already have
one will also choose the community where they live. Again many
options are available:
In or near to community where they grew up.
Near the agency headquarters.
Near a supporting church.
Near family, either near parents if they are still alive or near
children if they have homes of their own.
In the host country. Be sure to check on agency policies about
this because some do not allow you to return to your host
country and remain part of the agency.
Many retired missionaries have sufficient income from

retirement plans and investments to live adequately, and some also
continue to work at least part time. Depending on how you have
planned, many sources of income are available:
Benefits from governmental retirement plans, such as Social
Security in the USA, are available to those who have paid the
taxes over the years. This income provides a base, but not
enough to live on.
If your agency has a retirement or pension program, you have that
income as well.
Your investments in tax-deferred plans or Individual Retirement
Accounts can be used as income after age 59.5 in the USA.
If you own your own home, you can receive income from a
reverse mortgage (You keep living in your house, and the bank
pays you mortgage payments.)
Increasingly people continue to work part-time after retirement at
such things as fast food, retail sales, or a mission agency.
You may become a consultant in your area of expertise, such as
business affairs, church planting, etc.
Paying a qualified financial planner a few hundred dollars may
save you many thousands in the long run.
What will I do?
Missionaries vary widely in answering this question. Some of
the options are:
Take life easy, eat, drink and be merry as the rich man said
in Luke 12:19.
Continue working as before. Some agencies have age limits,
so when people retire from one agency, they may move to
another agency that has different age limits.
Continue working, but in their passport country, such as pastoring
a small church.
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Volunteer work in many capacities:
In the host country on short-term engagements among
familiar people.
In another country where your agency has a work.
At the agency headquarters.
In your passport country among those of the same people
group living there.
In settings unrelated to missions, such as hospitals and nursing
homes.
Join a group such as Finishers. These groups were created to
enable people who had retired early in their passport cultures to
have the opportunity to serve several years after their retirement.
Missionaries can continue serving through some group such as
this.
Start something new, such as:
An interesting hobby.
Reading in a totally new field.
Writing memoirs, stories.
A new skill (computer, piano).
Who will be my friends?

Finding a place in a social group may well be the most
difficult task you have in retirement. Having lived in another culture
for many years, you may find that your values are quite different from
the people your age in your passport culture. You may have changed
so much that you feel like you do not fit anywhere, even among those
who were your closest friends.
However, some contexts make it more likely that you will find
a compatible social group with similar values.
Retirement communities sponsored by your own agency may
be best for this.
Retirement communities sponsored by other mission agencies
are also good.
Retirement communities sponsored by churches.
316
Missionaries living in a community or neighborhood of a

larger city sometimes meet monthly in prayer or interest
groups.
Check to see if your agency has some mechanism for keeping
you connected with the agency and other retirees.
Most agencies have an annual conference or convention, and
some agencies have special meetings to which retirees are
invited.
Special Considerations.
Some things arise that may surprise retirees. Here are a few
that occur rather frequently.
Aging parents. As people live longer and longer, the chances of
retiring and finding yourself responsible for the care of parents
unable to care for themselves increase. Remember that if you
retire at 65, your surviving parents may be in their late 80s and
need help.
Health care. As you get older, health care becomes much more
expensive. If you are retiring before you are eligible for
governmental health care (Medicare in the USA), be sure to check
to see if your agency policy continues to cover you. Check how
much you will have to pay yourself. What about a medical
supplemental health benefit policy?
Depression. Missionaries may experience making-a-difference
withdrawal when they retire. On the field, they have made a life
and death difference to many people, but back in their passport
culture, they feel like their lives make little contribution to
anyone.
Agency policies. Be sure to read carefully the policies your
agency has about your retirement activities. Then make your
plans about retirement taking these policies into account. Being
asked not to return to a field may be devastating.
Pass the baton. Remember that the missionary enterprise is like a
relay race. You carry the baton for years or decades, then you
pass it on to the people following you. Your place then is to cheer
317

that next generation on as they continue to carry out the Great
Commission.
Finish well. After you have passed the baton to the people who
have replaced you in the race, refrain from interfering with their
running the race. Each generation does things differently, and
when you are tempted to be critical, remember how you felt when
the old missionaries told you what to do. Your students,
parishioners, disciples, etc. have now become the leaders. Let
them lead.
Give yourself time. These issues take some time to resolve and
may seem overwhelming if faced all at once. They can be more
adequately faced if you give yourself four or five years.
Remember Gods promise in Psalm 92: 12-14. The righteous
will flourishThey will still bear fruit in old age. They will stay
fresh and green.
318
Recommended Readings
The following books contain information expanding on

material in each of the major parts of this book. All of these books
are in print, all cost less than $25.00, and more than half of them cost
less than $15.00. If you cannot find them at a bookstore, you can
purchase these books online at www.amazon.com and/or
www.mti.org. You can also order from MTI by mail, by fax, or by
phone. Many of the books are available at both Amazon and MTI so
compare prices, shipping charges, etc. The prices given below are list
prices, in some cases the discounts are significant, and shipping may
be free if you buy enough books.
Part 1. Beginning with Basics

Honourably Wounded: Stress among Christian Workers.
Marjorie Foyle, Evangelical Missions Information Service, Monarch
Books, Grand Rapids MI, 2001 (ISBN 0-8254-6023-9) $14.95; 14
chapters, 288 pages. Written by a missionary psychiatrist with a
lifetime of missionary service in India, this book offers a broad
overview of many topics gathered under the general topic of stress.
Written for practical self-help, this is the best general book to buy if
you can afford only one.
319
Re-Entry: Making the Transition from Missions to Life at

Home. Peter Jordan, Youth With a Mission, Seattle, WA, 1992 (ISBN
0-927545-40-3) $9.99; 8 chapters,, 150 pages. A veteran missionary
suggests some things you can do before you ever go into missions,
others you can do as the time to return approaches, and still others
you can do as you actually re-enter. This book is relevant for
everyone from the short-term first timer to the veteran missionary.
The Art of Coming Home. Craig Storti. (2002).Intercultural
Press, Yarmouth, ME. (ISBN 1-877864-47-1) $19.95; 5 chapters, 203
pages. Written by a Peace Corps volunteer specializing in crosscultural adjustment and repatriation, this book includes sections for
the spouse and children as well as sections for exchange students,
volunteers, military, and missionaries.
Homeward Bound: A Spouses Guide to Repatriation. Robin
Pascoe, Expatriate Press, North Vancouver, BC, Canada, 2000 (ISBN
0-9686760-0-6) $16.95: 7 chapters, 192 pages, index. Although most
of the examples are of women reentering with their husbands, the
same issues arise if the husband has gone overseas to follow his wife
in her career.
After the Boxes Are Unpacked: Moving on After Moving in.
Susan Miller, Tyndale, Wheaton, IL 1995 (ISBN 1-56179-405-8)
$10.99; 19 chapters, 165 pages. Although this was written for women
moving in our mobile society, it is applicable to returning missionary
wives as well.
The Reentry Team: Caring for Your Returning Missionaries.
Neal Pirolo, Emmaus Road International: San Diego, CA, 2000
(ISBN 1-800185-07-5) $8.99; 10 chapters, 319 pages. Though
written for people caring for missionaries, missionaries themselves
would profit from reading it. The book contains many reentry stories
written by missionaries as well as a solid Scriptural foundation and
further resources.
320
Part 2. Everyday Challenges

Psychology of Missionary Adjustment. Marge Jones with E.
Grant Jones, Logion Press, Springfield, MO, 1995 (ISBN 0-88243321-0) $12.95; 11 chapters, 173 pages, index. Although useful for
missionaries at any stage in life because it covers mental health issues
from call to retirement, it is probably most useful to relatively new
missionaries. The author, a missionary for nearly four decades, notes
that the book was written to help missionaries persevere through the
second, third, fourth and even fifth terms.
Frontline Women: Negotiating Crosscultural Issues in
Ministry. Marguerite G. Kraft (Ed.), William Carey Library,
Pasadena, CA, 2003 (ISBN 0-87808-356-1) $16.99; 12 chapters, 11
contributors, 225 pages. index. Written mostly by women for women,
this book covers many womens issues including stress, roles,
loneliness, life-style, self-image, marginality and the demonic. As
noted in the forward, women need to read this book to be encouraged
and men need to read it and wake up.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take
Control of Your Life. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Zondervan
Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI, 1992 (ISBN 0-310-58590-2)
$14.99; 16 chapters, 304 pages, index. The title says it all, and you
understand that if you are letting other people control your life.
Healing for Damaged Emotions. David A. Seamands, Chariot
Victor Publishing, Wheaton, IL, 1991 (ISBN 0-89693-938-3) $10.99;
12 chapters, 144 pages. Written by a missionary/pastor/ professor,
this book looks at the effect of memories of events in the past that
have never been faced and result in anger guilt, depression, inferiority
and perfectionism. We can find freedom from this lingering
emotional pain that continues to effect us.
321
Part 3. Challenges That May Become Serious Problems

Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide (Rev. ed.).
Gary R. Collins, Word Publishing, Dallas, TX, 1988 (ISBN 0-84993124-X) $24.99; 38 chapters, 711 pages, index. Written by a
prominent Christian psychologist to help Christian leaders in their
counseling, it is a good source for anyone who wants a clearer
understanding of human behavior and the biblical basis of counseling.
The book covers personal, developmental, interpersonal, identity,
family and other issues.
Part 4. Family and Sexuality
The New Dare to Discipline. James Dobson, Tyndale House,
Wheaton, IL, 1992 (ISBN 0-8423-0506-8) $12,99; 11 chapters, 277
pages. This is the classic book by the well known host of Focus on
the Family. It has sold millions of copies and remains an excellent
source of information about child rearing.
The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood
Sexual Abuse. Dan B. Allender, NavPress, Colorado Springs, CO,
1990 (ISBN 0-89109-289-7) $16.00; 13 chapters, 301 pages. This
book offers guidance in the middle of the confusion, rage and fear of
those who have been sexually abused as children. Though you may
not realize it, someone you know has been sexually abused, and this
book will help.
Dont Pig Out on Junk Food: The MKs Guide to Survival in
the U. S. Alma D. Gordon, Evangelical Missions Information Service,
Wheaton, IL, 1993 (ISBN 0-9617751-1-4) $12.95; 6 chapters, 160
pages, index. Written for MKs by a fourth-generation MK, this book
offers helpful practical advice from MKs to MKs about all aspects of
transition to the USA, from preparation to identity to relationships.
Each chapter includes great illustrations, questions for reflection, and
work sheets.
322
Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up among

Worlds. David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken, Intercultural
Press, Yarmouth, ME , 2001 (ISBN 1-877864-72-2) $19.95; 18
chapters, 333 pages. Written by authors with many years of
experience working with TCKs, this book not only reveals what
TCKs are like, but goes on to devote 7 chapters telling how to
maximize the benefits of being a TCK.
Raising Global Nomads: Parenting in an On-Demand World.
Robin Pascoe, Expatriate Press, Vancouver, BC, Canada. 2006 (ISBN
0-9686760-3-0) $24.95; 10 chapters, 230 pages, appendix. Written by
the mother of TCKS, this book is filled with personal experiences as
well as much practical advice on living in other cultures. Much has
changed in our world since 1993 when the author wrote her parents
guide. This update considers implications for TCKs growing up
outside their passport culture in this globalized, digitized, terrorized
world.
When AbroadDo as the Local Children Do: Oris Guide for
Young Expats. Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich, & Bettina Kaltenhauser. XPat
Media, the Netherlands, 2002 (ISBN 90-5594-262-6) $15.95; 9
chapters, 105 pages, information for parents. Written for children
ages 8-12, this guide for living another culture follows Ori, a
migrating bird, through transitions. In addition to activities and
assignments, this book also has additional information on Oris
website to complete the interactive format of the book.
Families on the Move: Growing Up Overseasand Loving It!
Evangelical Missions Information Service, Monarch Books, Grand
Rapids MI, 2001 (ISBN 0-8454-6018-2) $10.99; 9 chapters, 189
pages. Written by a missionary, this gives readable practical advice
on living abroad from the time they consider going to the time they
return.
323
324
Fitted Pieces: A Guide for Parents Educating Children

Overseas. Janet R. Blomberg and David F. Brooks, Share Education
Services, St. Clair Shores, MI, 2001 (ISBN not available) $22.50, 8
Chapters, 667 Pages. With 84 articles (50 from Interact) appearing in
the eight chapters, this is without question the most comprehensive
book available on the education of third culture kids. It is a valuable
resource for people considering the education of their children
overseas.
Building Credible Multicultural Teams. Lianne Roembke.

William Carey Library,, Pasadena, CA . 2000 (ISBN 0-87808-340-5)
$17.99; 7 chapters, 285 pages, index. Written by a missionary with
more than 30 years experience, this book is theoretically sound as
well as very practical. It is a valuable resource for anyone working on
a multicultural team.
Part 5. Relationships with Others
Serving as Senders: How to Care for Your Missionaries While

They Are Preparing to Go, While They Are on the Field, When They
Return Home, Neal Pirolo, San Diego, CA, 1991 (ISBN 1-880185-008) $7.95, 8 chapters, 207 pages. This book is for people in the local
church. If your supporting churches ask what they can do to help,
give them a copy of this.
Ministering Cross-Culturally: An Incarnational Model for

Personal Relationships. Sherwood G. Lingenfelter & Marvin K.
Mayers, Baker Book House, Grand Rapids, MI, 1986 (ISBN 0-80105632-2) $9.99; 9 chapters, 125 pages. Two missionary-professors
developed this questionnaire/model that results in a personal profile
on twelve basic values that often result in disagreements between
people, even people from the same culture.
Caring Enough to Confront: How to Understand and Express
Your Deepest Feelings Toward others (Rev. ed.). David Augsburger,
Regal Books, Ventura, CA, 1981 (ISBN 0-8307-0733-6) $12.99; 10
chapters, 143 pages. A professor of pastoral counseling shows you
how to be a peacemaker by care-fronting someone with whom you
have a conflict. It is effective when used with people from western
cultures.
Cross-Cultural Conflict: Building Relationships for Effective
Ministry. Duane Elmer, InterVaristy Press, Downers Grove, IL, 1994
(ISBN 0-8308-1657-7) $13,00; 12 chapters, 189 pages. A
missionary-professor contrasts handling conflicts the American way
with handling them in other cultures. This is useful for maintaining
relationships with missionaries from other cultures as well as
nationals to whom you are ministering.
Part 6. Caring for Missionaries
Enhancing Missionary Vitality: Mental Health Professions

Serving Global Mission. John R. Powell and Joyce M. Bowers.
(Editors). Mission Training International, Palmer Lake, CO 2002
(ISBN 0-942726-03-0) $24.95, 56 chapters, 499 pages, index. This
book is written basically about North American missionaries by
people who attend the annual Conference on Mental Health &
Missions. Although written by and for mental health professionals,
many of the chapters are of interest to missionaries themselves.
Doing Member Care Well: Perspectives and Practices from
around the World. Kelly ODonnell (Editor), William Carey Library,
Pasadena, CA 2002 (ISBN 0-87808-446-0) $24.99; 50 chapters, 566
pages, index. Written by authors from around the world, this book
gives an introduction to member care context in the Part 1. Part 2
considers regional issues in Asia, Africa, Latin America, and the
Arabic world. Part 3 considers many types of member care from
caring for oneself to care from specialists.
325
326
Part 7. Ending Well

The Joys of Successful Aging: Finishing with Grace. George
Sweeting, Northfield Publishing, Chicago, IL 2002 (ISBN 1-88127313-X) $16.99; 12 Chapters, 141 pages. This book is a short, easily
read book with lots of humor, which itself is a necessary requisite for
successful aging.
about the Author

Ron Koteskey and his wife, Bonnie, are often asked who they
are and what they do. They have prepared the following information
to answer those questions.
We taught for 35 years in Christian colleges as well as in
public and Christian elementary schools . Bonnie taught elementary
school as well as teacher education at the college level, and Ron
taught psychology at the undergraduate level in college. Our three
children are all married and have families of their own. As member
care consultants with New Hope International Ministries of Wilmore,
KY, we are now retired and, as volunteers, we provide member care
for missionaries. We are not licensed health care professionals, but
we emphasize care, encouragement, growth, and prevention of
problems rather than treatment of severe problems. We provide such
care to anyone, anytime, and anywhere at no charge for our time,
usually providing our own transportation to the nearest airport and
asking that those we are helping provide ground transportation,
lodging, and food. Rather than working as professionals for pay, we
provide member care as amateurs in the original sense of the word
out of love rather than for money. We have a mailing list of about
175 prayer supporters as well as about 55 financial supporters.
We do whatever we can to help missionaries. We do not
belong to any sending agency but help others as someone with no
official connection to their agency. Listed below are things we are
currently doing, but we are always open to new ways to help. Let us
begin with the most general forms of help, continue with helping
missionaries through their years of service, and end with specific
ministries.
327
Website. Missionary Care, our website, is at

www.missionarycare.com. It contains about 45 brochures on
topics relevant to missionaries, a database of about 800 publications
about member care, information about our ministry, six E-books, and
links to other useful websites. Missionaries anywhere in the world
can visit this website to read, download, print, copy and distribute the
information free of charge to anyone who can use it.
Books. Eight E-books are available on the website and can be
downloaded free of charge by anyone, anywhere, anytime.
by anyone, anytime, anywhere.
What Missionaries Ought to Know:A Handbook for Life and

Service is a compilation of many of the brochures about
missionary life.
Missionary Marriage Issues is a compilation of many of the
brochures about married life for couples serving on the field.
Before you get Home: Preparing for Reentry is written for
use several months before returning to your passport country.
Coming Home: The Reentry Transition can be used as
preparation for debriefing in a group, when being debriefed by
an understanding person, or to debrief yourself.
Were Going Home: Reentry for Elementary Children is a
story and activities for children 6-12 years of age.
I Dont Want to Go Home: Parents Guide for Reentry for
Elementary Children is a companion book written specifically
for parents to help them assist in their childrens reentry.
Third Culture Kids and Adolescence: Cultural Creations is
written specifically for adolescent TCKs. Of course, the
information in it is also applicable to other adolescents.
Understanding Adolescence is a companion book written
specifically for parents of adolescents.
Twenty-five of the brochures have been translated into
German and published in a book, Was Missionare wissen sollten,
translated by Friedhilde Stricker and published by Verlag fur Kultur
328
und Wissenschaft, Bonn, Germany (2003). It is available online at

www.haenssler.de.
Brochures. The brochures on the website are also available in
printed form for missionaries who do not have email or who have to
pay the kilobyte for downloading their email. We mail one copy of
any brochure (or all of them) to anyone anywhere in the world who
requests it. We give permission on each brochure for it to be copied
and distributed as long as it is given to others free of charge.
Missionary Care by Radio. Trans World Radio broadcasts
in 180 languages to reach people through radio TWR it has begun
a daily 15-minute program in English aimed at Christians working in
situations where communication through any other means may expose
the workers and jeopardize their lives and ministry. The program is
broadcast so that it reaches from Central Asia through North Africa,
and you can find out more by visiting www.twr.org and
www.memcarebyradio.com. TWR is adapting the brochures to a
format suitable for broadcast to let Christians working in this area of
the world know that they are neither alone nor forgotten.
Orientation. In an effort to decrease attrition, we participate
in the training of new missionaries. We have made presentations on
expectations, generational differences, moral purity, and conflict
resolution. Of course, during our time at orientation we are available
to talk privately with any missionary candidates who want to see us.
Currently we help in three orientations per year.
Seminars. We present information on various topics to a
variety of missionary groups. We have done seminars on third culture
kids, leadership, generational differences, conflict, anger,
adolescence, maintaining mental and physical health, and psychology
from a Christian perspective. We have made these presentations to
groups as varied as the entire missionary force of one agency,
missionaries on a field, seminary students, university students, field
directors, national pastors, retirees, and appointees.
329
Missionaries in Our Home. Missionaries have stopped by

our home to discuss issues that concern them. We have talked with
individuals and couples about a variety of topics ranging from grief to
interpersonal relationships to debriefing when they return to the
states. These are people who have met us in larger group settings
such as conferences, retreats, orientations, seminars, or even
discovered us on our web page.
Missionaries on the Field (from Our Home). Missionaries
serving on their fields are unable to stop by our home, so we have
communicated with them in a variety of ways. Of course, telephone
conversations are always helpful, but may be quite expensive between
some countries. E-mail is free, but the time between sending a
message and receiving a reply may be rather long. Instant messaging
by typing messages from computer to computer as well as via voice
communication from computer to phone is free, and we do that on a
regular basis.
On-Site Visits. At the invitation of missionaries, we visit
them on the field to help them cope with various issues. We do this
only if everyone involved wants us to come, and we have the blessing
of the mission agency. At these times we have talked with
individuals, couples, and groups of missionaries. We are not sent by
the agency, but go only when invited by the missionaries themselves.
Care of Missionaries in a Geographical Area. We are just
beginning to see the realization of a dream we have had for several
years, a dream of providing care for missionaries from many different
agencies in a given place. We want to go on a regular basis to the
same missionaries so that they will get to know us and feel free to talk
with us, rather than just going to help in a crisis situation. We have
begun by spending a couple weeks in Bolivia talking with about 30
missionaries from five different mission agencies in the spring of
2003 and again in the spring of 2004. We also presented seminars on
330
various topics to different groups of missionaries, and we plan to

return to Bolivia on a regular basis as further opportunities arise.
Reentry. We facilitate reentry retreats for missionaries in
transition as they return to the USA. This includes a group debriefing
as we talk for two or two and a half days about where they have been,
where they are now and where they are going. As a part of this we
have written a 50-page booklet, Coming Home: The Reentry
Transition, which is available on our Missionary Care website for
anyone to download and use even if they are unable to come to a
retreat. Currently we do four reentry retreats (50-60 missionaries
total) each year.
Mission Conferences. We have participated in mission
conferences when invited to give churches suggestions on how to care
for the missionaries they support financially. In these seminars we
give suggestions above and beyond prayer support and financial
support.
Missionary Kids. Since we live near a college that has a
rather large number of third culture kids, we help them on a
continuing basis. We contact them via e-mail when they apply and
continue communicating with them monthly until they arrive. We are
part of their orientation on campus and then attend their group
activities throughout the year. Probably most importantly, we invite
them up to Sunday dinner at our home about once a month. Of
course, this lets them know that we are available to help them
however we can, and they contact us for everything from taxes to
borrowing things to personal problems.

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A Handbook for Life and Service

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