E-Litaracy Narrative 2nd Draft Feedback

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Eliel 1

Eliel Cruz
Professor Olivia Zicherman
UWRT 1101
17 September 2014
Literacy Narrative

Comment [O1]: Margins should be 1

The first time I can think of in which I was affected by a literary sponsor was
during my senior year in high school. I was in class just talking to some friends and my
English teacher Ms. Copeland asked us.
How far along are you guys with your projects?
Referring to a project that required us to read a book and write a book review, an
alternate ending to the book, an essay that explained how the character showed growth
and a PowerPoint presentation. Since the deadline was right around the corner and Ms.
Copeland knew that we were all procrastinating. But when Ms. Copeland mentioned

Comment [O2]: Fragment

when exactly the deadline was is when we all started to panic. It was no more then a

Comment [O3]: than

week away and I had to have at least three different papers. So being the lazy students we
were, we started to ask her things like.
What exact time does it need to be turned in? my classmate asked.
How low will our grade be if we only turn in two of the three papers? another
asked.
How long do our papers need to be?
Ms. Copeland of course answered all of our questions until one of us asked.
If it had to be five paragraphs.

Comment [O4]: Who said this? Perhaps


reword as Does it have to be five
paragraphs?

Eliel 2
At that point Ms. Copeland stopped answering our questions and told us in serious
manner that we should write until the thought is complete. I was confused since I had
never heard anyone say that before, all I had ever heard before was that we should have at
least five paragraphs. So we asked her what she meant so Ms. Copeland explained to us
that when you write anything that you shouldnt look at how much you have. But rather
you should focus on if what your writing is completely thought out. In other words
someone should be able to read your paper and be able to completely understand your
thought process.

Comment [O5]: Perhaps show this in


dialogue?

Then a classmate asked her what if we have isnt enough to fill the required
length of the paper, so Ms. Copeland just simply said to build up on what you have and to
go back and read it and see to try and figure out what area is lacking and try to improve
on it. I then asked her.
Why dont they ever tell us this high school?
Ms. Copeland said.
I honestly dont know but the you guys need to stop thinking that five paragraphs
is enough for a paper since it wont help you in college.
This really intrigued me since I had never thought about writing like that. But It
really helped that it was Ms. Copeland telling me this. You see, I always enjoyed coming
to her class since this was her first year teaching and there wasnt as much of an age gap
that you normally have with other teachers, so it was always easy to talk to her. Besides
Ms. Copeland would tell us stories about stuff that happened to her in college and try to
convince us to attend UNCW. At this point Ms. Copeland starts to tell us about her first
experience writing a paper for her college professor, Ms. Copeland told us that she had

Comment [O6]: Perhaps turn this into


dialogue?

Eliel 3
done the exact same thing that she was telling us not to do and written only five
paragraphs. So when the professor gave her back the paper and it was a zero with a note
that said to see him after class. At this point the Ms. Copeland said that she was livid and
asked him why he had given her such a bad grade even though she had tried really hard
on it. The professor said that her paper wasnt college level work and it reminded him of
a middle school assignment. But if she wanted an actual grade that she would have to
learn to finish her thoughts when she writes her paper and not just try and to bunch up so
much into five paragraphs. At this point Ms. Copeland said that she was actually crying
but she had learned her lesson. She went back to her dorm and rewrote her paper, right
then my friend Luis interrupted her and asked her
Did you at least get a good grade?
Nope, I ended up getting an eighty.
Although most of the class thought her story was funny, there was a couple that
understood the actual lesson she was trying to teach, to me it was an lesson in literacy, I
thought to myself.
Why I had never thought this way?

Comment [O7]: Put thoughts in italics, not


quotes

Then I thought about how much better my papers could have been in my past
English classes. This to me was a wakeup call and that I shouldnt just try to scrape by
with the bare essentials and to actually try and put some actual effort with my writing.
So that day I went home and started to revise all my work that I had done for the
project and realized that I had done the exact same mistake Ms. Copeland had mentioned.
I ended making an eighty-seven on the project, although that wasnt bad, I felt that I had
improved so much more as a writer.

Comment [O8]: Wow! I really love the


changes you made to your story. It made it
so much stronger! To improve it even more,
I would suggest that you add more of
yourself into the story. Right now, it seems
like your just a bystander, watching as the
action unfolds. Give us more of your
thoughts. Also, I noted a few places where
you could turn description into dialogue.
This will also help with the length. Your final
draft needs to be minimum 4 full pages.

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