14 Rules for a Great Relationship

Fairy tales are wonderful stories for young children. They give us a
sense of place and a great deal of hopefulness for the future. Of
course, someday my Prince or Princess! will come and we will live
happily ever after... "et, why does the story always end when the two
finally meet# $hat does happily ever after mean#
%ontrary to popular &elief and, perhaps, our own fantasy life, good
relationships don't (ust )happen). They ta*e thoughtfulness, time,
love, and wor*. Progressing through recogni+a&le stages, all
relationships e,perience crises and demand at least some fle,i&ility on
our parts. - willingness to stay together through the storms is the only
way to get to the peacefulness on the other side. "et in my opinion! it
is all very much worth it.
- good relationship can not only &ring us much (oy and happiness, &ut
it can also &e one of the most freeing e,periences of life. $ith that in
mind, let's e,amine the process.
The Stages of Relationship
The first stage of a relationship is the attraction. honeymoon phase
Oh, my goodness, we're /01T ali*e2!. "ou meet. "ou thin* you li*e
one another. "ou've &een lonely for so long and now, finally#!, here's
someone who understands you. "ou fall in love. 3ow, you can't get
enough of each other.
The second stage &egins when you get to *now each other well
enough to &ecome aware of the F-T-4 F4-$ or flaws!. T561 wasn't
what 6 &argained for2 6sn't there some mista*e# 5opefully, you haven't
totally gotten past phase one yet, so there's still some interest in
hanging out together and seeing what happens.
787R" R74-T6O3156P GO71 T5RO0G5 T561 1T-G7.
-s none of us is perfect who would want to have to &e#! and we all
&ring our past histories into new relationships, no two people
automatically fit together li*e hands and gloves. 7ven your soul mate
and 6 &elieve in them! won't e,actly )match).
Thin* a&out it. 6f we live thousands of lifetimes as 6 truly feel we do!
and only sometimes connect with our soul mates, then he or she has a
completely different )set) of past e,periences to color where he or she
is at. That's (ust how it is.
The third stage of a relationship involves sorting it through. $hat,
e,actly, can you learn to live with and what needs to &e addressed#
The fact that the toothpaste tu&e gets s9uee+ed from the top or the
toilet paper comes off the roll from the &ottom is, in the grand manner
of things, not that &ig of a deal. 6f, however, one of you wants children
and the other doesn't, that needs to &e discussed. Or, if you would li*e
to live in 5awaii and he or she prefers 7ngland, you need to tal*.
The ne,t stage of a relationship re9uires wor*ing it through. 6f you get
resentful that you're the only one who s9uee+es the toothpaste from
the &ottom, stop. $ho really cares if there's a little pile of dirty soc*s
at the end of the &ed# - smo*er living with a nonsmo*er could &e
as*ed to limit this activity to one or two rooms. - sense of humor can
ma*e all the difference in the world during this phase. Plan on doing
some give and ta*e here: and 6 emphasi+e ;OT5 << not (ust give and
not (ust ta*e. -nd, remem&er, it ta*es time. %ommunicate. 4isten.
;argain. -nd, perhaps most important of all, T563=.
6n my opinion, one of the commonest mista*es made in relationships
is &elieving that love is enough. $hile love is a&solutely necessary,
don't forget to use your head2 5uman nature may &e strange, &ut it is
a&solutely predicta&le. Thin* it through. The final stage of a
relationship is a great and a&iding friendship with ease. ;y this time,
you *now each other well enough pro&a&ly &etter than you even
wanted2! to *now what to e,pect. "ou have a history together. "ou've
survived a few crises. "ou've 9uite literally learned to live with one
another. This is the payoff phase and it can really &e 9uite wonderful.
;ut this stage doesn't come after a few short wee*s or even a few
months. 6t generally ta*es years to get here. 5ang in there &ecause it
is well worth it.
Rules For A Great Relationship
-ll relationships are different. They come in as many shapes and si+es
as the &ountiful palette of humans. 5owever, the following are a few
guidelines designed to assist you in the &uilding of a good, long lasting
relationship.
1. ;e fair. $ho wants to live with someone who isn't#
2. ;e honest, &ut not &rutally so. There's a fine line &etween what you
could say and what you truly need to say. ;e aware of where it is and
don't cross it.
3. =eep it even. Good relationships happen &etween e9uals: whatever
that means to you. 6t is helpful to have similar &ac*grounds, values,
and goals, &ut more necessary to *eep a &alance &etween you. 6f you
feel you are doing more than your fair share, stop. -llowing your
relationship to lean or list to one side is the fastest way to ma*e it fall.
4. Fight fair. 6t's healthy to fight. 6t clears the air and *eeps
resentments from &uilding. 5owever, *eeping the fight to the matter at
hand is crucial. 3ever, ever, ma*e proclamations such as )"ou're (ust
li*e your mother), etc. Remem&er, too, that although most of what we
are shown in this world is us versus them, a relationship is &uilt on a
partnership model.
5. >aintain a strong sense of self and *now who you are. -s far as 6'm
concerned, we come to this planet to learn individuality and free will
my hus&and, ;o&, calls it Freewill 1?1!. $e do, indeed, create our
own realities. ;ecause our ma(or lesson in life is selfhood, relationships
that don't honor this fact do not last. $e cannot complete ourselves in
another: it simply isn't allowed. 6t is also important to reali+e that
human &eings have very addictive personalities. $hile some fol*s may
thin* that they want to have happy lives and good relationships, they
are actually much too addicted to the drama of &eing a&le to tell sad
stories.
6. =now and nourish your own &oundaries. Fairy tales and soap opera
romances would have us &elieve that the purpose of a healthy match
is to immerse ourselves in one another. 3othing could &e further from
the truth. Once we lose our &oundaries in a relationship, it is only a
matter of time &efore it dies. 1ha*espeare spo*e of this in Romeo and
/uliet. -gain, &ecause this, too, is a violation of individuality, it simply
isn't allowed to continue.
7. 5ave fun. Relationships shouldn't &e all wor*, &ut sometimes
learning how to have fun is actually 9uite a challenge. 4earning how to
laugh at ourselves can speed up this process greatly. 4aughter can also
&e very disarming and a touch of humor is the fastest way to &rea*
tensions. 6f you aren't &lessed with a good sense of humor already,
don't despair. 6t can &e learned.
8. 4isten and communicate.
$ords. $hat do they mean#
The same words actually mean different things to different people.
;ecause we all &ring our pasts with us and no two individuals come
from e,actly the same place, words often contain unintended hoo*s
and &ar&s. 6 have a friend who used to routinely answer his wife's
in9uiries with )6 don't care.) $hat he meant, of course, was, )$ell, if
that's something you want to do, go ahead.) One day, she collapsed in
tears and said, )5ow can you *eep saying that you don't care#) 5e
never said it again. $ords are also the means &y which we continually
create the stories of our lives. Our thoughts are constantly imprinting
on our own su&conscious )computers) and what we thin* and &elieve
to &e true a&out ourselves happens. @on't underestimate your own
very real power.
9. ;e forgiving. 7veryone ma*es mista*es. 6 suspect that every
relationship has moments when any self<respecting man or woman
should pac* his or her &ags and move out. The &ottom line is, do you
really want to# ;ecause if you don't, you could &e complicating things
with a show of temper. Then, again, sometimes statements are
necessary. Thin* it through &ut &e ready with forgiveness when the
time comes for reconciliation.
1. 3ourish the love. ;e affectionate. 4ove is the glue that *eeps
people together in relationships. -fter all, it's hard enough living with
some&ody that you @O love. 4overs should also &e friends, &ut friends
who are not lovers are (ust playing house.
11. -void ultimatums. 0ltimatums are very dramatic and can easily
gra& attention. They can also get you into &ig trou&le fast.
12. %ultivate activities done together and separately. Relationships
need common ground, &ut they also need spaces. =eeping some of
your own interests and friends gives you something to tal* a&out when
you get &ac* together.
13. @on't share a&solutely everything. @o we really need to *now that
your last lover was &etter in &ed or a &igger wage earner# 6 thin* not.
14. 4ast &ut not leastA 6f you >01T throw something, ma*e sure it's
soft &ecause it's pro&a&ly coming &ac*2
The !a"s of #anifestation
O*ay, all this is well and good, &ut what if you don't happen to have a
>r. or >s. Right in the picture at the moment# 3ever fear2 There are
things to do... One of the tric*iest &its a&out relationships is that we
can't learn a&out our own e,pectations alone. 6t ta*es practice and
&eing with another person in order to reali+e our own innermost
thoughts a&out what he or she should do or say. 6 have always &een
ama+ed that our society has << in the past << e,pected people to )get it
right) in their very first marriage when we really are flying &lind. 5ow
do we *now what marriage or living together! is li*e until we try it#
6t's impossi&le. Therefore, 6 encourage anyone with a )failed)
relationship to loo* at it as a learning e,perience, a necessary step
along the way to perfection.
6nstead of &eing upset with it, use it to understand where it went
wrong or why that type of person is not the &est for you. 6t's
a&solutely true that two incredi&ly great people can &ring out the
worst in each other if they are not a good match. =nowing who you,
yourself, are is the very first step to seeing what an e9ual partner
would loo* li*e. Then, &egin to picture what 7B-%T4" you see* in a
mate. ;e specific. Thin* a&out it. Prioriti+e: is it more important that
you live in the country or ma*e lots of money# @o you need the
security of stoc*s and &onds or desire the freedom of the adventurer#
Ta*e your time. $rite it down. $hat you are doing here is creating a
precise picture of what this person is li*e. Fill in lots of details &ut
ma*e sure you *now which ones are the most important to you.
Once you feel pretty comforta&le with this picture, let it go. 1top
thin*ing a&out it. 6n this way, you are sending your picture out into the
universe to go and locate your ideal honey for you and set up the
conditions under which you can meet. Then, &e sure to get out and
a&out. 6f you want to meet a man, go to the places where men hang
out: ta*e up downhill s*iing or sign up for a drumming class. 6f you
want to meet a woman, go where women gather: aero&ics classes and
art or ho&&y classes are some of many activities which seem to attract
a good num&er of them.
-ction is necessary &ecause, unli*e in the fairy tales, the *night in
shining armor does not always find his way to your &ac* door.
Remem&er, too, that relationship is a dance. 6t's a flow: &ac* and
forth, around and around. 6t, li*e everything else in life, has its good
days and its &ad days. $hen you get it right, though, there's nothing
else that compares. 6t fills you &oth with peace, (oy, happiness,
security, and laughter. "ou get to &uild a life together instead of
wal*ing your path alone. 6t ta*es time, &ut one of the only truisms in
life is that time passes. $hy not use it wisely#
;eing human isn't easy. There are many pitfalls in the Path: potential
wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes. 1o, why are we here, anyway#
The &est description 6've ever heard is that God.Goddess wants
friends. The tas* may &e formida&le, &ut the rewards are also great.
Good luc*2
-uthorA %eleste 4ongacre