A survival guide to prison

by a guy who was recently released

http://prisonism.wordpress.com/the-article/
INTRODUTION
This isnt a dramatised memoir about my experience in prison, nor is it a rant against the expensive,
ineffective, pointless and unconstructive injustice that prison is (it is... but thats another story); its
simply a factual, practical and up to date account designed to help anyone who finds themselves
facing incarceration.
nyway, in calling this a !survival guide " guess "ve already wrong footed you# peoples vicarious
view of prison is that youll arrive, get robbed, get banged up with a psychopath and then get raped
in the shower. "n reality its nothing li$e this... " ended up on the high%ris$ wing of one of &nglands
most notorious jails and " had no problems whatsoever.
'ith a few bits of information, your own bed sheets and a radio it becomes even easier, so please
share this with anyone you $now whos on bail or inside, repost it, plagiarise it, whatever, if it helps
anyone thats all that matters. "f "ve missed anything or you have any corrections or would li$e to
add your own version of your experiences in prison please send me a letter or contact me through
the blog.
(ust a note... this isnt all encompassing... "ve never sat a parole hearing or had to serve a life
sentence. This article will help anyone facing prison but is probably better suited to those serving a
!shit and a shave (thats a shorter sentence, a couple years or less, by the way).
nd also "d just li$e to say that subreptives "ve included in here are already well $nown to the
authorities# they $now how you ma$e hooch, they $now that people charge their phones with a
playstation
and they $now you can build secret compartments in cupboards. " havent included anything that is
un$nown. There are an ever dwindling number of things they dont $now and " have obviously left
them out.
!IR"T T#IN$" !IR"T
s soon as youve been remanded or found guilty youll be bundled down in to the holding cells, so
ma$e sure you go with your bags pac$ed if theres a chance youll be remanded or found guilty.
&very court always discharges to the same jail so if youre not sure about where youll end up you
could just phone the court before hand and as$ them. )h yeh and ma$e sure youve cancelled your
standing orders or youll come out with a maxed out overdraft.
*rovided youre not given an indeterminate or life sentence you only serve the first half of your
sentence inside. The last third of this half though you may be eligible for tag (+,-). The second half
of your sentence youll spend on licence (see the .eturning To The .eal 'orld section for more on
licence). To be honest there are so many exceptions to this "m not going to write them all down, "
just want you to $now that if the judge gives you two years, for example, it doesnt actually mean
two years behind bars.
/ext youll be carted off in the 0erco van, rattling down the road in a tiny cubicle with things li$e
1.&0"2& ,/ )2 3.45 scratched into the paintwor$, on your way to whatever jail, ready to give
her majesty pleasure (sounds pretty unappealing doesnt it6). Theyll stop you in the security loc$
gates, some guy shining a torch into your little compartment, counting you only as a number.
'elcome to prison7
8oull get herded to a processing area, into a box full of twitching bitties going cold tur$ey and
nutjobs as$ing you what youre in for; it $ind of feels li$e youre waiting for the next departure to
hell. 0ome ba$ed bean screw will then call you by your surname, youll be processed, photographed,
given a number that you $eep for life, told what you can and cant have, stripped na$ed, given some
scratchy clothes and moved on to the !first night wing.
3y this point you will have already been as$ed for a !burn (thats prisonish for cigarette) about 9:
times. *eople will probably be loo$ing you up and down trying to assess you. ,ont be worried, dont
be pumped up, dont be wet, youll be o$... it gets easier and easier from this point in.
)ver the next wee$ or two youll do !induction. Theyll explain to you how to go about !$it change,
library, meal slips and all the rest.
t some point youll be further assessed and theyll as$ you all the usual; are you suicidal, do you
have violent antecedents, do you ta$e drugs, etc etc. 'hatever you do dont even admit to having
smo$ed weed in the past, theyll treat you as a !user and put you on wee$ly !mandatory drug
testing for the rest of your sentence.
.emember that in the first wee$ youll be entitled to a !reception visit which re;uires no 2.).
(visiting order). 'hoever it is can just phone up and boo$ a visit to come and see you; theyll just
need your birthdate and full name. 8oull also get <= phone credit to start you off, and a pin number
to use the phone# ma$e sure you dont lose this and $eep it to yourself.
The system will come as a shoc$ to your own... youll be astounded at how inefficient prisons are,
how much stuff gets thrown over the fence and how preventable it is, how little support is given to
illiterate people and drug users when this would ;uite obviously reduce their li$elihood of
reoffending, how many people are serving such small sentences for crimes against people and how
others are serving huge ones for crimes against capital, how many reformed offenders are rotting
away on indeterminate sentences 9 years past their release date, and how bitties smo$e teabags
wrapped in bible pages when theyve run out of cigarettes.
"f youre feeling hard done by "d recommend reading *apillion by +enri -harriere. "ts a really fuc$ed
up autobiographical story about going to prison in a >rench penal colony, getting parasites, getting
shot, years in solitary confinement in a cell that fills up to your nec$ with water for 9 hours a day etc
etc. Trust me, itll ma$e you feel li$e you have nothing to worry about7
OD%" O! ONDUT
*rison is jam%pac$ed with stupid, aggressive and pugnacious people. nd then there are the
inmates; most of them are harmless. 0till, "d recommend you to $eep yourself to yourself until
youve assessed who you can be yourself with. ,ont dress flash, dont bullshit, $eep it low $ey,
dont approach people, dont be too safe to them. "ts not nice but its a survival techni;ue# theres a
lot of people in prison who will happily ta$e the piss out of you at first opportunity but if you stay off
the radar then youll always be alright. Then again theres a lot of people in for crimes li$e fraud and
drugs who arent nut jobs % the thing is, li$e you, theyll be $eeping themselves to themselves so you
may never tal$ to them even though they live just down the landing from you. )ne of the easiest
ways to trac$ down sound people is by finding the newspaper guy on the wing and as$ing who
orders a semi%decent paper, from this you can get their surname and cell number. 1o and say hello,
as$ for their second hand newspapers... this is a good techni;ue to meet someone and have a
decent conversation. fter all, this is what youll miss the most; real interaction, so finding someone
you can have a half decent conversation with is paramount.
1enerally spea$ing though, play your cards close to your chest. The less people $now, the better;
there are a lot of weirdoes. ,ont share your details and dont trust anyone until youve $nown them
for a while. lot of people bullshit in jail; " remember this one guy as$ing me for a cigarette out at
exercise one day, " was thin$ing to myself hang on, yesterday you were telling me how you were the
biggest co$e baron in ?ent and youve got a gullwing @amborghini7
That leads me nicely on to cigarettes; as there is no money behind bars, prison is basically run on an
economy of tobacco, and sometimes tins of tuna. haircut will set you bac$ = tins of tuna, getting a
$itchen guy to get you some blac$ pepper or having your cell repainted by the wing painter or a
spliff of hash will set you bac$ a half ounce of burn, one of those horrible match stic$ jewellery box
things might set you bac$ two ounces, and so on. &ven if you dont smo$e its worth having some
tobacco stashed away so you can buy something if you need it.
good piece of advice would be to give up smo$ing cigarettes before you go in. "f you do smo$e
though, $eep it to yourself. s soon as you donate one cigarette the whole wing will be swarm your
door begging and as$ing why they cant have one too.
" never had one thing stolen but " was slightly cautious until " $new people on the wing. *ut your
stuff away at !sosh (thats what everyone calls association time), even if people dont try to steal it
theyll do your head in as$ing if they can have some =ABC. )nce you $now your next door
neighbours theyll loo$ out for your cell, but dont get too complacent. The main time for cell%dipping
is when a fight $ic$s off D everyone will run to one end of the wing to watch, and youll see a few
wiley jun$ies ta$ing their opportunity dipping in and out of peoples cells.
&IO'%N%
-onsidering the media hype and most peoples vicarious view of prison, violence is relatively rare. "
mean, " did see some craEy fights, including one in a @ondon 3%cat between literally F: people,
people getting stamped out whilst their unconscious, and you do see some nasty shit li$e cells or a
hallway with !claret splattered on every wall. 3ut in general, adhere to the following simple rules
and prison is probably safer than your average provincial high street on a >riday night. ,ont be wet,
but at the same time dont wal$ around li$e youve got a nuclear warhead up you rectum. /ever
ever grass anyone up. ,ont steal from people. ,ont start ta$ing smac$ and dont start tic$ing
anything.
"#ARIN$ A %''
To state the obvious, who you share a cell with, especially when youre banged up =F hours a day,
will have a massive impact on your existence. " shared with psychopathic .ussians who didnt spea$
a word of &nglish, a grumpy old ban$ robber who just farted and smo$ed fags on the bun$ below all
day, and for one night only a crac$head going cold tur$ey, shitting and pu$ing all night in the toilet
situated just at the end of the bed.
couple months in though " got made high ris$, meaning that " was deemed too ris$y to share a cell
with anyone. This was total bullshit, a screw told a big fat lie about me, but in the end " was actually
very grateful.
"ts ;uite easy to stage a fight if you have nothing to lose and want to be made high ris$ and
therefore have a single cell (another way of getting a single cell is to say youre a bed%wetter when
youre first assessed7), but if not its a good idea to share with someone you get along with. ,ont do
it by application, itll just get lost in the 3ermuda triangle of prison paperwor$, just get your stuff all
bagged up, get the other guy to move (a cigarette will probably persuade him) and just go... then go
and tell the screws you already done it.
This is ;uite often how it wor$s in prison, if you go through the correct channels i.e. endless
applications and detailed explanations it doesnt get you anywhere. (ust do it, be confident, use
initiative.
$%TTIN$ "TU!! DON% (O)*'AINT" + A**'IATION",
"f you want to get something done in prison you need to go through the correct channels. "m not
going to list off every scenario and what you should do, it will become apparent, but there are a few
things you should $now.
'ing !reps go off to wherever they represent every day. 0o if you want to apply for education or go
to mos;ue or whatever it may be youre probably better off as$ing them than going through forms
for reasons "ll get on to.
s far as forms youll have general apps, wing re;uests, compG forms and a whole bunch of others
li$e job applications and property hand out applications. "ts a good idea to $eep a few of each in
your cell for ;uic$ access.
"n my experience a lot of apps are totally useless if its something important % half the staff just throw
them away. This is what we call the 3ermuda Triangle of prison paper wor$ % anything vaguely
important tends to get !lost. "f you need a response then use a !compG form as they +2& to log
this and give you a response.
Ta$e this for example; two months before my release my 1randdad died... rather than process the
paperwor$ re;uired to let me out on an escorted visit to attend the funeral, they !lost my
paperwor$. )n that note if someone youre close to dies while youre inside contact -ruse
bereavement (find their address in the 4seful -ontacts section) if you need help and support. 0o "d
recommend you photocopy everything thats important, $eep the original and send them the
photocopy. This way they $now that youve photocopied it and youve got the original to refer to if
you need it.
The prisons complaints system is designed to be impenetrable. They $now they can ta$e the piss in
the $nowledge that the large majority of inmates are either dyslexic, illiterate or not going to bother
to complain. Therefore, as a literate person with all the time in the world, its imperative that you let
them $now they cant wal$ all over you and anyone else who might find themself in a similar
situation in the future.
'rite a compG form. 'hen they give you a useless response (thats just a formality) write a compGa
appeal form. 'hen they give you another unsatisfactory response write to the "53 ("ndependent
5onitoring 3oard). 'hen that still bares no fruit write to the **) (*risons and *robation
)mbudsman... "ve included the address in the useful contacts section). 1et a solicitor involved.
'rite to your 5*. 'rite to the +ome )ffice. ,o whatever you can.
"t will probably ta$e three months or longer to actually get a result but its absolutely necessary, and
when the governor is getting formally disciplined it ma$es it all worthwhile7
%DUATION
)nce youre on the wing ma$e sure you get involved with education courses. The education
department is a solace full of (relatively more) sensible people. >ill out the usual !activities
application forms, but its probably more effective to find the education rep on your wing... as "ve
already mentioned going through prison application forms can ta$e forever. The education
department, via the *rison .eform Trust, will provide you with funding to do whatever course you
want providing as though youve got six months left to serve. "f you $now you are going to prison it
would be a good idea to research the )pen 4niversity website for what courses you want to do
before you go in.
)ANDATOR- DRU$ T%"TIN$
5,Ts are a fuc$ing jo$e. /ot only did their introduction in the early H:s encourage the use of heroin
(heroin clears out of your system in =A hours, ganja ta$es up to F: days) but they are also easily
scivable; when everyone finds out the 5,T unit are on the wing its comedy the way everyone
s$idaddles bac$ to their cell in a very obvious fashion to drin$ = litres of water, then passes with
flying colours despite the fact you seen them smo$ing brown on the landing only last night. 5,Ts
catch you smo$ing s$un$, and thats about it. "f you test positive on an 5,T youll have an
adjudication; "ll get to those later on. 3y the way you should avoid ta$ing any drugs that you
havent been prescribed; a friend of mine too$ cocodamol for his toothache, had an 5,T a couple
days later, tested positive for opiates and ended up getting put on 3asic and various compulsory
drug treatment courses.
#A&IN$ A *ARTN%R
+aving a relationship is by far and away the hardest part about being in prison and to be honest if it
isnt roc$ solid it wont survive the emotional tumbledryer. 1ive it some deep consideration whether
you want to put your partner and yourself through this. " was luc$y enough to have the support of
my partner throughout my sentence. The following is written by her...
IThis is written from a girlfriends perspective and is aimed more at the people visiting inmates on a
regular basis, which is invariably women.
2isiting someone you care about and love in prison is hard, in many ways you serve a sentence as
well. The parameters of your relationship are completely transformed and the ways in which you can
communicate and support one another are hugely constrained. 0upporting a friend or family
member inside is massively important for them, the reality of the prison system is pretty fuc$ed up
and prisoners definitely need to have a line to the outside world to help them through and use their
time in more constructive ways than dying of boredom or getting hoo$ed on s$ag.
This doesnt just involve physically visiting someone; "d say the most valuable form of
communication is actually letters. 8ou can write them and read them in your own time, without
someone watching over you, cutting you off, or as$ing you to sit further apart; and its just way
easier to say stuff. @oads of people say !oh " dont $now what to write, but you can write about
anything, its all good. 'hat you did that day, what plans you have, about what youre reading or
what youre friends are doing, just everyday stuff. 8oull inevitably miss a load of conversations you
normally just have with each other so try and put them into a letter, moan about whatever stuff at
wor$ to them, speculate about whoevers relationship, or run any ideas past them. *hone calls and
visiting times offer much less space for this sort of conversation, they are often much more
formulaic or forced. 8ou can also photocopy articles from magaEines (they often dont let you send
the actual magaEines) and send these in, send photos, or when youre somewhere where a load of
their mates are, pass round a bit of paper and get everyone to write a ;uic$ message on it, its just
nice for them to $now no ones forgotten about them.
5ostly it seemed li$e in the visiting room everyone just pretended their hardest li$e everything is
).?., which wears thin after a while, especially when a lot of the women visiting are clearly trying to
support families on the outside. "m not going to lie, visiting is pretty grim. &ach prison has a
different system, you can read a bit online, but its more about just leaving plenty of time and as$ing
the other visitors when you get there. 0ome prisons you need about twenty different bits of ",, and
they just anally refuse you entry even if youre about H: and have your passport but forgot your
water bill. 8oull get herded through different gates, it smells dingy, sometimes there are dogs, and
at scrubs there was an ominous load of posters saying !GFA 2"0"T).0 ..&0T&, T+"0 8&. and
each time the number got scrubbed out and had gone up by a couple digits. The screws are all turdy
caricatures of themselves, and fully enjoy telling you that every single item you brought to try and
hand in is not allowed. 8ou actually just have to ma$e a jo$e of it to survive it D so its always going
to be easier if you go with a friend. "n a lot of visits you actually get ;uite a long time, li$e two hours
sometimes, and " ;uite li$ed the thing of choosing to leave before the screws start yelling and
prodding at you to move. The whole thing is about power and control, right down to how you are
allowed to sit together or put your jac$et on the chair, so wherever you can ta$e it bac$ ma$es it
feel a little bit more normal.
'hen their sentence is nearly over it can get pretty daunting, especially if you are in a relationship
with them, suddenly it can feel li$e you have to deal with all the expectations. 'hat if it isnt the
honey dipped reunion were all waiting for67 8ouve all just been through a pretty inhumane and
damaging experience and its difficult to $now how its going to wor$ out. The prison system doesnt
offer any real support for any of the people concerned so it is really important you get it yourself.
Tal$ to your friends and family about it, and try and ma$e plans for their release that doesnt put too
much pressure on you. relationship is maybe even worth brea$ing off and starting again at this
point, in order to return to normality. +owever this is not a straightforward choice because you are
an important part of their (true) rehabilitation process, bringing them bac$ and helping them
through. 0ome people may thin$ this is some sort of exaggeration, but its not worth
underestimating how damaging a system the prison system is, especially when the effects of it so
often remain hidden behind the constant front of machismo.J
.%%*IN$ IN ONTAT /IT# T#% OUT"ID% /OR'D
@etters are a serious life%line. They allow you time to thin$ so its the nearest youll get to genuine
interaction (as "ve already said, this is what youll probably miss the most). ,ont forget all the mail
is monitored, especially if youre on !monitored mail (your wing staff will be able to tell you if you
are). The prison is not allowed to monitor legal letters though. 8ou can seal these and write .4@&FH
on them and they wont be opened. (ust a word of warning though prisons have often been found to
abuse this rule. )h yeh and dont thin$ you can just write to your mate and stic$ .4@&FH on the
front and they wont notice, they compare the name and address to a list of solicitors to see if its
genuine.
The payphones on the wing ($nown as blueboxes) are fuc$ing extortionate, the pennies drop faster
than minutes when you call a mobile. "m sure they are actually more expensive than payphones on
the out. 8ou are only allowed G: minutes at a time and everything is listened in to, so dont do
something silly li$e as$ them to call you bac$ on your mobile if youve got one. That brings me on to
mobiles. >irst things first, having a mobile phone is highly illegal. "f you get caught and get found
guilty at adjudication you may be given extra days or denied +,- or a parole hearing if that is
applicable to you. *risons ta$e it very seriously. "n saying that though they are unbelievably
common. " seen people using them li$e it was fully allowed, casually standing on the landings using
them, sitting in their cells smo$ing a spliff watching videos on 8outube... its a jo$e really.
The prison tries to pretend to be hot on it but if youre clever theres a plethora of security
avoidance techni;ues (the best of which "m obviously not going to list here but for example you can
loo$ out for phone scanners by $eeping your T2 on % if it flic$ers they are on the landing). 'atch the
shadows outside your cell, never ever use it during lunchtime bang up and if youre being
transferred to another jail be aware of the 3)00 chair (the ominous sounding 3ody )rifice 0ecurity
0canner).
2isits are li$e this airloc$ between prison and the real world. They vary from amaEing to heart
wrenching. "ts pretty weird, its definitely not an ordinary form of interaction# youre sat there with a
hi%vis vest on, being watched over by shitty screws, not allowed to touch eachother too much, lairy
little $ids screaming around, with a set amount of time before you get booted out. 'hereas in real
life you rarely tal$ to each other solidly for = hours, in a visit theres such expectation, youre sat
opposite eachother and feel aw$ward if you cant verbally machine gun each other for the entire
time. "f you cut the visit short though they always seem to strip search you on the way out in the
suspicion that youre not really friends and youve already done the deal.
'hen people come to visit you ma$e sure you remind them and remind them again to bring the
re;uired ",. The prison ta$es joy in turning you away for the most minor thing i.e. if your address on
the passport doesnt match the one on the 2). ccording to my girlfriend a handful of people got
turned away at every single visit she came to. 8oull get between one and four visits a month
depending on which jail and status youre on. (ust a note... lip readers are used in visits so if youre
on remand for something serious dont tal$ about your case, or at least cover your mouth.
*RI"ON 'A/ AND 0AD1UDIATION"2
*rison has a whole legal governance of its own. "f you get nic$ed for anything, whether its having a
phone, brewing hooch, having a fight or whatever it may be, youll end up infront of a governor. This
is called an adjudication. 8ou can be given anything from a wee$ suspension of canteen to six
months down the bloc$ or extra months on your sentence if its particularly serious. They can also
put you on closed visits where youre separated from your family by a big plate of glass. *rison law
is exactly li$e normal law, you have a right to legal representation and if you dont have it the
governor will fuc$ you over. ,o not pass up the chance of legal representation, however minor your
charge. The library holds all procedural information and, in my experience, were very helpful. This
might entail reading through a whole page of mind numbing legal drear but once youve found that
the screws didnt provide you with all the information or warnings they should have, and youre case
gets thrown out, trust me youll be happy7
O)U + AT%$ORI"ATION
The )54 (offender management unit) department will decide what !category of prisoner you
become and subse;uently what $ind of prison you will end up in. "f youre in for a non%violent crime,
you and your solicitor should both write to the governor and the )54 as soon as possible as$ing for
you to be made a !,%cat prisoner. +eres a little more about categorisationsK
Dou3le A-cat and A-cat prisons... well, firstly, "ve never been in one. ll " $now is that they are
hard to brea$ out of.
4-cat prisons in my experience are li$e a sorting office; most people dont stay there for too long
before they get moved on to a different prison. "n a 3%cat youll meet everyone from triple murderers
waiting for extradition to bitties doing a month for stealing a pac$et of sausages. They are full of
s$ag, riffraff and local nitties so atleast theres some on%wing entertainment.
-cats are basically a 3%cat in the middle of nowhere with less security and less staff... so if youre a
brownhead or you use your phone all day " guess its an improvement but for me it was just mind
numbingly boring. This is what really $ills you in prison; nothing, and " mean nothing, happens. nd
in -%cats in particular /)T+"/1 happens. 5ost people in -%cats are on a progressional moves
system (see the "&* section for more details) so they are just trying to get their ,%cat or their home
leave and therefore dont want to put a foot wrong.
D-cats on the other hand are a fuc$ing holiday camp; you get home visits after a month, you have a
$ey to your own cell, you can get it on with the art teacher and get your friends to throw bottles of
whis$y over the fence.
'hat "m trying to ma$e clear is that you should do everything you can to get in to a ,%cat. 'rite to
the prison and as$ if they will accept you. 'rite to the )54 stating how youre a non%violent
criminal, never had a drugs problem (whatever applies to you) etc etc. 0taple it to a general app,
address it to the )54 and it should help your case.
1O4"
*rison jobs include being a wing cleaner, library orderly, womble (thats a litter pic$er), religion rep,
!biohaEard (thats where you clean up blood, pu$e and suicide attempts), wing painter, gardener,
visit room cleaner and about G: others " cant remember. 'ages range from <=.9: a wee$ to a
tenner... so basically you arent in it for the money, its only useful if you want to be unloc$ed. "
personally didnt mind !riding bang%up (not being unloc$ed) so " was indifferent, but having a job
does mean you can travel between wings and go to places you cant otherwise go.
8ou can also train to be a !toe by toe mentor or a !listener. The former is a paid job whereby you
teach less literate inmates to read and write, and the latter is an unpaid job listening to people on
behalf of 0amaritans.
IN%NTI&% %ARN%D *RI&%'%$%" "#%)%
The "&* system is a divisive but effective system used to control prisoners. "f you get caught doing
something you get an !"&* warning, this could be for anything from smo$ing cigarettes on the
landing to not attending an appointment. n "&* warning puts a blac$ mar$ on your record and
results in losing certain privileges, and being put on !basic regime... theyll confiscate your tobacco,
theyll ta$e your television, limit your wages, no a association, no courses, no wor$ and no
opportunity to ma$e phone calls.
To be honest " was perfectly )? with this, youre still allowed boo$s and " didnt socialise all that
much anyway. ?eep your poxy incentive earned privileges than$s very much7
3ut if youre on an "** (indeterminate public protection sentence# G in G: prisoners are), waiting for
a parole hearing or a +,- hearing, or your release is subject to !progressional moves (to move from
3%cat to -%cat to ,%cat and then home leaves etc) a single "&* warning can prevent you from being
released. This meant that totally reformed prisoners in for a violent crime who hadnt had a fight in
their whole sentence were being denied release because they had "&* warnings for brewing hooch or
smo$ing cigarettes on the landing7 0) 0T4*",7
"%URIT-
0ecurity comes in all shapes and siEes... from a standard cell spin by wing screws, to a dedicated
search team loc$ing off the whole wing and searching every cell with dogs. " had both, sometimes F
in a single month. (ust a word of warning; if security screws want to find something they will find it...
secret compartments in cupboards and matchbox%jewellery%box%things do not wor$, stuffing it in
your sin$ pipes wont wor$. Theyre pretty wiley, you need to be artful if you want to out do them.
lso remember that its not as simple as just being spun, i.e. dont go buying G: batteries each wee$
to charge your phone because they will loo$ at your canteen habits. ,ont even reference credit or
!"ll spea$ to you later on the bluebox. ,ont thin$ that the censors dont understand slang.
4nfortunately nowadays they are not stupid7
"ts also worth a mention that if you are on remand or have open cases they ;uite often use speech
readers in the visit rooms. They also li$e to have a good loo$ through your legal documents when
they spin your cell even though this is against the law, so if you have any sensitive paperwor$ "d
recommend you $eep it in someone elses cell.
"TA!! )%)4%R"
Theres three main screws you need to $now about# your personal officer who will $now slightly
more about your case, general wing officers, and lastly, senior officers 3ut really theres only two
types of screws... G % those who are total arseholes from the start. = % those who are ;uite
reasonable with you but then turn out to be total arseholes. The former is preferable because atleast
you $now what youre getting.
0o yeh, never ever trust a screw. ,espite me telling you this, you probably still will lapse into this
false sense of friendship at some point; youll have decent conversations with them, youll see them
almost every day, youll spend more time with them than your friends and family... but then the
most minor thing and theyll happily nic$ you, stitch you up, send you to the bloc$, or write some
fuc$ed up report about you that prevents you from getting a parole or +,- hearing.
3ut at the same time dont go out of your way to piss them off, especially if youre up to something,
you $now, $eep your enemies closer as they say. 3e jocular if you can stomach % just never ever
thin$ they are your friend.
!OOD
*risons have a budget of <G.L9 per day per prisoner so you can imagine how its going to taste.
8oull have a mix of gritty burgers, over boiled beans, rice that tastes li$e disinfectant and chic$en
that tastes li$e wood.
The secret is to get friendly with someone who wor$s in the $itchen; theyll bring you fresh onions,
chic$en, herbs, pepper and spices. The last two are disallowed in most jails though because people
used to blow it in screws eyes; youll laugh to yourself when your stashing your blac$ pepper li$e its
some $ind of class%a drug; these are the $ind of stupid situations prison puts you in7
-anteen is a list of things that you buy once a wee$ out of your prison earnings and any money that
youve had sent in. 5a$e sure you chec$ how much money youve got every wee$ (prisons regularly
steal from inmates), chec$ your bags before you open them (the companies who supply canteen
steal from inmates too) and circle the entries on your canteen sheet when you hand it in so the
people who process it dont miss things. 0o you can either live off canteen food, or alternately, you
can ma$e some simple recipes to ma$e the prison grub slightly more edible. +ere are a few
suggestions...
"A'AD DR%""IN$
M ta$e an empty $etchup bottle
M ta$e one part oil (from a can of tuna if you cant buy olive oil)
M ta$e = parts vinegar (given out in sachets but if the canteen sells 0arsons thats much better)
M mix in lots of mixed herbs, pepper, salt, ncona chilli sauce, mustard or brown sauce
M sha$e well and thats it
TOA"T
M 'rap bread in a piece of paper and stic$ it on the hot pipes for 9 minutes.
.O'%% NOOD'%" /IT# TUNA
prison staple... the best meal youll get in jail. )rder both off the canteen.
DU)*'IN$" AND URRI%"
8ardies, fricans and all the sian guys coo$ malodorous curries, mac$erel stews and dumplings in
their $ettles. " never did. 8oull have to as$ them how they do it if you want to $now.
A'O#O'
)$ay... hooch can range from tasting li$e mouldy orange juice if you do it badly, to vod$a and
orange if you do it well. " generally avoided it. 3eing pissed on the wing never really appealed to me
plus it has the potential of ma$ing you go blind. 3ut if you really want to try it, heres how...
0o you need a couple large bottles, s;uash bottles will do. 8ou get the yeast from brown bread... you
can crumble it up and just stic$ it in the bottle, but if youre a pro you dry it out on the pipes, grind it
up stic$ it in a soc$ and immerse this in warm water; this way you wont have bits floating around in
your finished product. 0o now you ta$e your yeasty water, add a shit load of sugar and top it up with
fruit juice. This is pretty much it. /ow you just need to leave it to ferment. ,ont forget to
periodically loosen the lid to let the carbon dioxide out... if you dont it will explode and coat all of
your possessions in stin$ing hooch. This process ta$es up to a wee$, but if youre a real pro and you
have a !$ic$ (the sludgy sediment once youve made one batch) you can do it over a wee$end. The
purpose of this is that wee$ends are a !non patrol state i.e. the screws wont raid you out of the blue
li$e they may do on a normal wee$day.
8ou can go one step better and ma$e vod$a# " only seen one guy doing this the whole time " was
inside and he sold it on for <=: for half a litre (;uite a lot in prison terms). The thing is it actually
tastes pretty good considering as though its only one step away from mouldy orange juice. 0o you
ta$e your hooch; a couple litres or so to ma$e it worthwhile; and stic$ it in a buc$et or a cleaned out
bin. 8ou then ta$e a sheathed $ettle lead and stic$ it in aforementioned mixture. /ow heres the
tric$y bit... you need to suspend a bowl in the middle of the buc$et; the easiest way to do this is to
drill three holes a centimetre beneath the rim, evenly spaced, in your buc$et. ,o the same to your
bowl and tie pieces of rope so your bowl hangs nicely in the middle. /ow you need to attach a sheet
of plastic (a section of bin bag will do) over the top so its got a little bit of slac$ but is airtight; use
elastic bands or rope to seal it up. /ow you need to put ice or the coldest thing you can find on the
top of this plastic.... stand bac$.... and switch on the power7 fter a few hours you will find your bowl
is full of distilled alcohol, you now need to periodically empty this into a container and walah you
have vod$a.
)I"%''AN%OU"
)$ so heres a few miscellaneous bits and bobs and how%tos. " could write a whole boo$ about this
stuff but "m going to try and $eep it brief...
.%TT'%"
0ome prisons have an urn from which you have to collect your hot water in a flas$ before bang up.
s
everyone always collects their water at the same time and the urn is tiny, only about G: people on
the
whole wing get hot water. )ne way to get round this is to ma$e your own $ettle... you strip down a
$ettle
lead, connect it to one of the tin containers that lunch often comes in... and switch it on. This might
seem
fuc$ing dangerous, it is, but this is how you boil water if the prison doesnt give you a $ettle.
*I*%"
"f you want to smo$e ganja in a pipe you wrap up a section of the tin containers that you get lunch
in, then
just fold it slightly at the smo$ing end so the smouldering ganja doesnt just fling down your trachea.
)A.IN$ RO*%
The easiest way to ma$e rope in prison is to ta$e horiEontal sections of prison issue bed sheets; if
you need it to be longer (for example if youre swinging for a pac$age or passing stuff along the
hallway after bang up) you need to just tie these sections together with a reef $not.
#O/ TO TRAN"!%R "TU!! %'' TO %''
0o once youve been banged up if you need a lighter or some riElas youre pretty screwed. )ne way
to transfer stuff is to attach a rope to a mirror (in prison you have small plastic s;uare mirrors with
holes in the corner) and spin it out on to the landing; if you get the right angle it will bounce off the
opposite s$irting% ledge%thingy and s$im under your next door neighbours door. They then tie a
lighter to the string or put the tobacco on the mirror, reel it bac$ in, and there you have it.
"TI.IN$ "TU!! U*
8oure not allowed blutac$ in jail for some reason unbe$nown to me. "nstead you can either use
toothpaste (lasts about = days and fuc$s up your pictures), whitener mixed with a dab of water (li$e
super glue, also fuc$s up your pictures) or jam sachets (somewhere imbetween, also fuc$s up your
pictures).
'%A&IN$ -OUR DOOR 0ON 'AT#2
"f you need to go to the shower or to get food a good techni;ue is to leave your door on latch# twist
the handle fully inwards, pull your door to and let the bolt sit just on the edge before it clun$s into
the hole. This way your door loo$s as though its shut, and if someone tries to open it the spring will
release and the bolt will loc$. "ts $ind of difficult to explain but it will become apparent once youre
there.
%'' /OR.OUT"
)$ay, even if youre not usually the type to spend hours in the gym, its good to get in to a regime
whilst youre in prison to avoid becoming a complete vegetable. ,o press ups, sit ups, turn a chair
upside down and do !dips, bench press the bed, headstand press ups against the wall.
R%TURNIN$ TO T#% R%A' /OR'D
To be honest, when " got out of prison it was pretty underwhelming, mainly because "d built it up so
much in my head. They just call your name and deposit you outside the gate with forty ;uid. This is
when your !licence starts, thats where "m at now. @icence is a load of bullshit, it basically means
attending probation who do fuc$ all for you but if you miss an appointment theyll send you straight
bac$ to jail. 8ouve just got to ma$e sure you attend and grin and bare it. *retend youre very sorry.
*retend that the system wor$s. *retend that you regret it. ll the usual when actually all you want to
do is tell them how fuc$ed the system is. nyway licence is better than jail so li$e " said, youve just
got to Iyes miss no missJ it.
"f you brea$ your licence or commit another crime you get recalled. "t doesnt matter how minor it is;
you can be recalled if you get caught pissing on a wheely bin. >or example one guy who " met
served his half of a seven year sentence for drug importation, hed got released, gone straight and
narrow and was in full time employment, always attending probation, hed had a baby daughter...
anyway a month after his baby daughter was born he was recalled for smo$ing a spliff, so bac$ he
went to jail for the remainder of his licence (roughly three years). ,oesnt ma$e any sense does it
really.
0o before you leave distribute your belongings among your friends. ,ont forget your people inside,
its easy to do but youve got to ma$e a conscious effort to $eep in touch. 'rite down their prison
numbers when you leave. 0end them -,s (theyre only a fiver on maEon you havent got an
excuse7). "f youve got outstanding complaints follow them up. 'rite to me, tell me about your
experience and anything you have to add to this project. 'rite to +oward @eague or the *risons
.eform Trust.
nd if youre going to commit a crime utilise your newfound criminal mastery that you learnt in jail
and dont get caught. 3ut more than anything enjoy and value your freedom7
"TU!! TO TA.% /IT# -OU
s "ve already said, its a very good idea to ta$e a pac$ed bag with you if you thin$ you may be
getting remanded or found guilty. This is a complete list, you dont want to go too overloaded so pic$
and choose.
8oull only be allowed a certain amount of items at any one time, the rest will be $ept in your stores
property. ?eep a very close eye on exactly what you have in your !prop; " had various pieces of
property stolen by screws, from -,s to my best shirts and brand new trainers that were sent in but "
wasnt allowed to have. They steal your stuff, edit the property record, then deny all $nowledge of it
ever existing.
M nice trac$suit bottoms are a must
M a couple ,on &d +ardy shirts
M G pair of shorts
M smelly trainers for the gym
M comfy trainers for the wing
M smart shoes for visits are optional
M jumper (hoodies arent allowed)
M flip flops for the shower (so you dont contract a dan$y veruca)
M colouring pens
M pencils
M sharpener
M rubber
M decent writing pens (it hits home that youre in prison when you cant even find a decent biro)
M notepad or diary
M white card
M stereo (not too big % most 3%cats dont allow detachable spea$ers, a model li$e *anasonic .N%&0=C
is
perfect)
M over ear headphones
M -,s and tapes (they might not allow copied -,s or tapes that arent see%through)
M toenail clippers
M hair cutting shears are a major investment; you can set yourself up as a wing barber, or just $eep
them for
yourself
M toothbrush
M shower gel (they might not allow this though, "m not sure)
M towel (trust me prison towels are 1."5... people have been $now to get body lice and crabs off
them)
M bed sheets and pillow covers (as above)
M list of phone numbers, addresses and dates of birth
M pictures of your friends and family for the cell wall
M *0= (also to charge your phone via 403 if youve got one)
M pictures for the wall
M stamps and envelopes
M cash (so youve already got it in your account ready for first canteen and dont have to wait for a
postal
order or che;ue)
M boo$s (prison libraries are generally ;uite decent though)
M alarm cloc$
M watch (so necessary7)
T#% *RI"ON '%5ION (U*DAT%D,
djG % form for appealing against an adjudication
djudication % where you appear before a governor for some wrongdoing
3ang%up % when your doors loc$ed
3arry % cocaine
3asic%rider % someone who loves being on basic regime
3itty % an addict or generally rattling person
3luebox % payphone
3obby % heroin
3urn % ubi;uitous jail term for tobacco
-., % conditional release date
-ompG % complaint form
-ompGa % complaint appeal form
-omp= % confidential complaint form
-ro % weed
,ipping % stealing
,ogends % cigarette ends
,T4 % drug testing unit
+,- % home detention curfew
",T0 % integrated drug treatment system
"53 D independent monitoring board
"** % indeterminate public protection sentence
Te$ % mobile phone
(. % judges remand
5,T % mandatory drug testing
/-.) % national association for the care and resettlement of offenders
/)50 % national offender management system
)0ys % offender assessment system
)54 % offender management unit
*elly, pad or peter % your cell
*eterteef % cell thief
*lug % hiding things in your chatham pouch
*0. % pre sentence report
.)T@ % release on temporary licence
0cooby % a screw boy
0eg % segregation unit
0hit !n a shave % a brief sentence
0hitted up % when a screw has a buc$et of shit thrown over them
0) % senior officer
0pin % a cell search
Tic$ % to borrow drugs or tobacco
2,T % voluntary drug testing
2) % visiting order
2*4 % vulnerable prisoners unit
'ire % something for charging your phone
Ting % any of the above
A comment a3out this guide 6rom someone else who has 3een inside
recentl7
'''Really good. This person obviously became quite comfortable with the system (both the official
and unofficial one) and how to play it, although it sounds to me like it was probably only in one
prison. nfortunately one thing ! picked up is that all prisons are really quite different (even wings
have their own atmospheres), so we need to put that caveat in there.. "lso, ! wouldn't want people
going straight in thinking they can do all this stuff # it takes a long time to get your bearings and
work out what goes on so ! think to be really useful this needs a bit more about the first few days $
weeks as this is what people will be focussing on.''
And another comment
%enerally ! like this piece, it has good spirit, and like some similar guides !&ve read, it isn&t a
'groveller&s charter&. !t contains some good advice ( not trusting screws, not grassing, stopping
smoking, etc. )here it falls down ! think, like other similar guides, is in the specifics ( most of them
are specific to particular *ails at particular times and they are limited by the e+perience of the writer
# and some of the specifics are wrong. !t&s always a bad idea to use phrases like ,most *ails- when
you only have e+perience of a few.
!&d guess this guide was written by a recently released prisoner who served a relatively short
sentence, starting off in The .crubs, and then going to a privatised /at / *ail in the south of 0ngland,
probably run by 1remier. !&ve been in over 23 different *ails, but the same thing applies ( my
e+periences are limited to those *ails, and only at a particular time. 4f course, ! also correspond with
a lot of prisoners, but again, the same applies. )hile there is some good advice in this piece,
because it is so specific to the author&s very limited e+perience, ! don&t think it is very helpful and
would only add to the confusion inevitably e+perienced by any newcomer to *ail. 1robably the best
part of it is that written by the author&s partner.
Links
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325 Magazine online 3nti-capitalist$ anti-repression maga4ine 532+5$ with
articles$ inter6iews$ wrtings b7 political prisoners$ and a distro. 8or a world
without borders or prisons9
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Anarchist Solidarity$ c/o PO o! "#$ righton$ %& #'($ )*.
website: www.anarchistsolidarit7.wordpress.com
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website: www.againstprisonsla6er7.org
email: [email protected]
!arth Li"eration Prisoners, : o! 2#;"$ /ondon <-&% 3==$ )*.
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in /ondon
website: www.greenandblackcross.org
%aen &ree Books to Prisoners scheme$ : >a6en$ /ondon <-&% 3==. )*.
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Legal 'e(ence ) Monitoring #roup *L'M#+$ @olunteers ?or the Ae?ence o?
-i6il Protest B the .ight o? Public 3ssembl7. /A:C co-ordinate court monitors
attend court during court cases$ can ?ind accommodation ?or those in court in
/ondon and other support o??ered. Dhe new edition o? E%o -omment - Dhe
Ae?endants Cuide to 3rrestE is now a6ailable as a PA8 on the website.
Del: ;2; F2#+ 2,3; G2#hr answerphoneH
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Email: [email protected]
Miscarriages o( ,ustice -. *M/,-.+
website: www.moIuk.org.uk
email: [email protected]
0o More Prison
Promoting radical alternati6es to prison that ?ocus on social and communit7
wel?are rather than punishment. c/o Paul :ason$ 0chool o? 2ournalism$ :edia
and -ulture 0tudies$ ute uilding$ -ardi?? )ni6ersit7$ *ing Edward @JJ 36enue$
-ardi?? -8&; 3%$ )*.
website: www.alternati6es2prison.ik.com
Prisoners Adice Serice
website: www.prisonersad6ice.org.uk
tel: ;2; "2+3 3323 or ;F#+ #3; F,23
1egan Prisoners Support #roup, PO o! &,#$ En?ield$ :idd! E%& 3>A$ )*.
http://www.6psg.org/