Wild Nights

conversations with Mykonos about passionate love, extraordinary sex, and how to open to God

David Deida

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IMPORTANT CAUTION Please read this Although anyone may find the practices, disciplines, and understandings in this boo to be useful, it is made a!ailable "ith the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher are engaged in presenting specific medical, psychological, emotional, se#ual, or spiritual ad!ice$ Nor is anything in this boo intended to be a diagnosis, prescription, recommendation, or cure for any specific ind of medical, psychological, emotional, se#ual, or spiritual problem$ %ach person has uni&ue needs and this boo cannot ta e these indi!idual differences into account$ %ach person should engage in a program of treatment, pre!ention, cure, or general health only in consultation "ith a licensed, &ualified physician, therapist, or other competent professional$ Any person suffering from !enereal disease or any local illness of his or her se#ual organs or prostate gland should consult a medical doctor and a &ualified instructor of se#ual yoga before practicing the se#ual methods described in this boo $

This is a "or of fiction$ Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, li!ing or dead, business establishments, e!ents, or locales is entirely coincidental$

(ounds True, Inc$, )oulder, CO *+,+- . /++0 1a!id 1eida

All rights reser!ed$ No part of this boo may be used or reproduced in any manner "ithout "ritten permission from the author and publisher$

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Published /++0 Printed in U$($A$

I()N 23042543/,,34 6ibrary of Congress Control Number /++7227-*2

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Foreword by Gabriel Cousens, M.D$$$$$$$$$$$! Preface.......................................................... !i 2 / , 7 0 5 * 4 2+ 22 2/ 2, The Red Realm$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 2 8ild Night$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ * Thimble$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$/* )lue Truth$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$,7 )eyond )ondage$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$7/ (he Comes in T"o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$7* 6o!e's 8ound$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$0* )eing Claimed$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 5+ T"o 8hite 1o!es$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 57 6etting 9o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ *+ )ig 8a!es $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 4+ Cats and 1ogs$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 45 )urden of )liss$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 2+0

David Deida esources $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$22, !bout the !uthor...................................... 227

FOREWARD

"ild #i$hts by 1a!id 1eida presents us "ith a spiritual challenge$ This boo dares us to open oursel!es to the fullest e#pression of 1i!ine 6o!e in e!ery single moment "ith e!ery being and e!ery thing$ The tantali:ing proposi3 tion of this boo is; Are "e "illing to be ecstatically and fearlessly present "ithin our e!eryday e#perience< Are "e "illing to eep our hearts open to be continuously consumed by the =6aughing Mama<= Are "e "illing to choose to continuously ma e lo!e "ith the 1i!ine One< In "ild #i$hts, 1a!id ma es brilliant use of our society's focus on se#uality as a medium to inspire us, =to be smithereened in bliss, opened beyond all limits, lo!ed absolutely, to gi!e of oursel!es completely to infinity$= 1a!id plays >oyfully, po"erfully, and masterfully "ith his teacher's message, at a le!el of spiritual clarity that is a"e3 some$ 8ith finesse, 1a!id guides us into the e#perience ="here fuc becomes more than se#, "here it becomes the pulse of 9od$= As "ith the Medie!al ?abbalahists and the (ufi poetry of ?abir and @afi:, "here se# is a metaphor for opening to the 1i!ine dance, this boo e#poses us to the e#perience of ?ashmir (ha!ism, or the Truth of Tantra$ 8e are ta en far deeper than the genital location, to the fearless state of !ulnerability "here "e are penetrated by 9od in e!ery moment$ 8e are led beyond the illusion of doing self3 impro!ement and Tantric techni&ues, to the surrendered, unlimited, direct state of being the Ultimate Truth in e!ery moment$ "ild #i$hts is a radically effecti!e "or that can arouse a shift of consciousness in a "ay that noc s on the doors of 6iberation$ )eyond the fear of death and the fear of life, "e begin to pulse "ith the scintillating, synchronous non3dual A dual play of consciousness in e!ery moment$ 8e open to 6ife and 6o!e in e!ery breath$ This creates the mind space "here "e die into the infinite openness of the total, uninhibited, ra" Truth$ The ans"er to 1a!id's dare is; Bes, "e can be fully present, "ith our hearts a!ailable, continuously choosing to ma e lo!e "ith the 1i!ine One$ Cor those "ho are ready, this boo propels us into the final leap of faith, beyond the frontier of the mind, into the pulsating, ecstatic silent That3"here all illusions are stripped a"ay and "e dance na ed "ith 9od$ 9A)RI%6 COU(%N(, M$1$, author of (piritual Nutrition and the Rainbo" 1iet

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PREFACE

I am often as ed if "ild #i$hts is fact or fiction$ I li e to ans"er a little

of both$ (ome of the e!ents described con!ey personal changes in my life$ (ome are fictional e!ents created to reflect my o"n internal fears, fantasies, and desires$ None of the characters or dialogs are =real= in the sense that they accurately portray any actual persons li!ing or dead, or any con!ersations no" or then$ And I certainly do not intend this story to be a recommendation of =spiritual= instructions to others$ As for honoring the traditions of authentic spiritual "isdom, let me state clearly that 8ild Nights in no "ay attempts to represent any e#isting teacher or spiritual tradition$ There are great teachings and teachers to "hich I can only point, and if I ha!e turned anyone to their magnificent light, then I "ill ha!e accomplished "hat I set out to do$ May the 6ord forgi!e me for adding to the surfeit of spiritual consumerism, and also for the heresies and "rong !ie"s that I ha!e no"ingly or inad!ertently committed in "ild #i$hts$ 1ADI1 1%I1A

1 THE RED REALM

door, ans"ering his noc $

=@ello, my friend,= My onos said "hen I opened the

@e stood outside my cabin, grinning a horse's smile, "earing shorts and a tan top$ =@i,= I said, "elcoming My onos into my small home$ =Come on in$= The one3room beach cabin had no furniture$ My onos stepped inside, loo ed around the room for a moment, and sat on the "ood floor$ =I didn't e#pect to see you, My onos$= =8ell, I >ust thought I'd stop in$ Is that O?<= =Of course$ I'm >ust surprised that you're here$= I had met My onos t"ice before$ The first time "as a fe" years earlier, after My onos had been ousted by his spiritual teacher and shunned by his fello" students "ho he had, supposedly, threatened to beat "ith a baseball bat$ Then, a "ee before his appearance at my cabin door, I ran into My onos on the beach$ 8e sat together and tal ed about 9od, "ho My onos called the =9reat One$= 8e "atched "omen "al by, and My onos e#pounded on the spiritual capacity of "omen's genitals, "hich stunned me$ 8hen I >o ed that he seemed obsessed "ith "omen, he said, =8hat "ould you rather consider besides se# and death<= Not much, I admitted, and My onos nodded slightly, loo ing deep into my eyes$ Cor a moment, e!erything stopped3no sounds, no motion, e!en my breath stopped3and then My onos got up to go$ Crom the beach, I pointed out my cabin to My onos, but I ne!er e#pected him to actually sho" up$ =1o you ha!e any cold ones<= My onos as ed, loo ing to"ard my refrigerator$ I figured he "anted a beer$ )ut I didn't ha!e any beer$ I didn't drin $ My life "as !ery strict$ I did three to fi!e hours of spiritual practices in my little cabin e!ery day, and I "as a die3hard !egetarian$ =I don't ha!e any beer,= I told him$ Cor a fe" minutes, My onos made some small tal and then got up and left$ I regretted that I didn't ha!e any beer to offer him$ I ne" that My onos had a lot to offer me$ My onos "as a man as ugly as he "as tough$ I had heard that he gre" up on the streets, playing hoc ey, bo#ing, and getting into more than his share of trouble$ @e "as

also a decorated Dietnam !eteran$ After reco!ering from nearly fatal battle "ounds, My onos, still a !ery young man, turned from the "orld and "holly de!oted himself to spiritual gro"th$ @e spent t"enty years studying at the feet of his spiritual teacher before being ic ed out, ending up in the same coastal to"n "here I li!ed$ I ne" that he spo e from an enormous "ealth of spiritual no"ledge3"hat I didn't no" is that he "al ed his tal "ith a !engeance, and that he "as about to "al into my life and change it fore!er$ The ne#t time My onos sho"ed up at my cabin door, I "as prepared$ A si#3pac "aited in the refrigerator$ My onos came in and sat on the floor$ @e seemed particularly animated$ =1o you ha!e any cold ones, my friend<= he as ed$ I "ent to the refrigerator, secretly smiling, and grabbed t"o cans$ One for me, one for him$ I handed My onos a beer and sat do"n in front of him$ @e popped the top and raised the beer high$ =To the 9reat One,= he toasted$ =To the 9reat One,= I replied$ 8e both too a sip$ I couldn't belie!e it$ I "as drin ing beer$ In my spiritual efforts to li!e a healthy life, I !ie"ed alcohol as poison$ )ut I had to trust My onos$ If he "anted to drin beer "ith me, then there must be a reason$ I "as "illing to go along "ith him and find out$ @e too out a pac of cigarettes and lit one$ I s"allo"ed$ Cigarettes< I had been pure for so long$ I hadn't eaten meat, or e!en dran tea, for more than fifteen years$ I didn't "ant to thro" a"ay years of de!out purity for a fe" hours of chatting "ith a guy "ho loo ed li e a cross bet"een an a# murderer and a car "ash attendant$ My onos "as not a big man, though you "ouldn't "ant to mess "ith him$ )et"een his nees and his shorts, scars from shrapnel "ounds crisscrossed the flesh of his thighs$ @e had a certain loo in his eyes, as if he ne" death3from both sides$ As soon as he lit up his cigarette, I "as sure My onos felt my fear and resistance$ @e placed the pac "ithin my reach and nodded to"ard it, indicating that I could help myself$ I didn't$ My onos too a long drag on his cigarette, and then e#haled !ery slo"ly$ (mo e filled the room of my clean cabin$ @e too another sip from his can of beer$

=Ah yesss,= My onos sighed$ =The lady is all around us$= @e made a s"eeping gesture "ith his hand as if to indicate the beach, or maybe the entire "orld, outside my cabin$ =(he is beautiful, is she not< And she'd >ust as soon ill you$ %at you ali!e$ 8hat a bitch$ 8hat a beautiful bitch$ 1o you ha!e any idea "hat I am tal ing about<= (tartled by his !ulgar language, I nodded, hoping he "ould tell me more$ 8e both continued drin ing beer in silence$ I "aited$ Then My onos spo e of seemingly random things; boo s, sports, schemes to ma e money$ I felt he "as testing me$ (eeing if I "ould bite$ Cinding out if I "as ready to recei!e "hat he had to gi!e, or "hether I "ould be satisfied "ith small tal and common chat$ Mean"hile, I "as starting to feel the effects of the alcohol$ )y then "e had each drun almost three beers$ @a!ing been a long3time teetotaler, I "as beginning to spin a little bit$ I "as losing the thread of the con!ersation$ =)reathe it do"n, my friend$ (uc her do"n your front$ )reathe her do"n to here,= My onos said, firmly grabbing his crotch, "hich frightened me$ =8hy separate yourself from her< @mmm< 8hy not ta e it to her< (he "ants you$ (he's gonna get you one I "ay or another$ (he's gonna che" you up "hen you die$ And after you die< On the other side< (he's "aiting for you there, too$ Bou can't escape her, my friend$= My onos too another drag off his cigarette$ I "as "ordless$ Reeling$ =No amount of your so3called spiritual practice can sa!e you 2 from her,= My onos continued$ =Bou can't get a"ay$ Bou can only I lo!e$ Bou can li!e in fear, or you can dance "ith her$ And "hen I you lo!e her "ithout holding bac , "hen you see her as she really E is, through and through, she dies in bliss$ Bou no"< Only bliss$ )ut if you can't get her to spread her legs, if you "on't e!en drin a beer, if you are too uptight to breathe her do"n to here, then she's >ust gonna laugh at you$ 8e are tal ing about a bi$ lady. A very big lady$ Bour agenda doesn't mean shit to her$= As he spo e, I felt di::y, and my gut tensed$ @is "ords "ere crude, but he "as right$ I had e&uated spiritual practice "ith s&uelching my desires, denying them, suppressing them$ I could sit in a clean room by myself and meditate for hours, but I "ouldn't dance "ith "hat My onos called =the lady$= I "as afraid of life$ I "as afraid of death$ I "as afraid e!en to drin a beer and lose my purity$ I "anted refuge, not chaos$ I "anted peace, not passion$ I "as trapped in my little room of sanctity, in my meditati!e stillness and solitude$ This "asn't true freedom$ Nor "as it lo!e$ As My onos pointed out, I "asn't penetrating the "orld "ith my lo!e and opening =her= into bliss$ Rather, I "as pulling bac $ I "as obsessed "ith myself$

Maybe the beer "as loosening me up, or maybe it "as >ust the right time, but as My onos spo e, my entire life strategy began to unra!el$ I had belie!ed that by eeping my body balanced and my mind clear, then e!erything "ould "or out$ )ut mean"hile, I "as dying any"ay$ The =lady= "as eating me$ The "hole "orld "as a massi!e, chaotic "oman "ho terrified me, so I tried to see safety and refuge in my spiritual in"ardness and purity$ =8hat is a !agina, any"ay<= My onos suddenly &ueried$ =A lotus of delight or an ugly cut of mucous< 8hy do you "ant to po e it so bad< Bou li e to see it in bed, all prettied up, but do you "ant it as bad "hen it's on the toilet, shit coming out of the ass< @mmm< The body is "hat it is$ Usually you li e to hide it behind your under"ear$ Bou eep the bathroom door closed$ 9enitalsF= My onos laughed$ =They can be beautiful or disgusting$ It's no big deal either "ay$ 6o!e has nothing to do "ith all that$ And, belie!e me, the big lady doesn't gi!e a damn about your genitals one "ay or another$ If you are going to lo!e the big lady, it's going to ta e a lot more than your pec er$ And the same goes for lo!ing your "oman$= I thought of 9ia, "ho "as going to college, and "ouldn't be able to >oin me at the beach for se!eral months$ My onos smiled and lit another cigarette$ Then he offered the pac to me$ This time I too a cigarette, put it bet"een my lips, flic ed the lighter, and inhaled$ The sharpness of the smo e caught me off guard, but I managed to &uell my cough$ I too a sip of beer, a drag off my cigarette, and tried to rela# into the situation$ 8hen "e finished the last beer "e "al ed do"n to the local store to get some more$ Then "e "ent to the beach$ 8e sat on the sand, drin ing and tal ing$ My onos tilted his head to"ard a gorgeous blonde tourist "al ing by in a bi ini$ I sa" smooth tanned s in, narro" "aist, and full hips$ I sa" upright breasts and nipples sho"ing through the fabric of her bi ini top$ I sa" legs to die for$ I felt My onos regarding me$ =Bou no" "hat she is<= My onos as ed "ith a smile$ =Bears of arguments, snotty3nosed children, mortgages, and bad smell$ Bou loo at that thing e!ery day, day after day, and you >ust "ant to run$ Bou no" "hat I mean<= I did no" "hat he meant, but I didn't say anything$ I thought he "as tal ing a little too loudly$ At that moment, "e sa" another "oman "al ing on the beach$ (he "as about ,0 years old, dressed in >eans and a T3shirt$ (he "as a friend that My onos and I both happened to no"$ (he "as a good personGthough, to my taste, she "asn't particularly attracti!e$ I certainly "ouldn't call her se#y$ (he "al ed up to us and said hi$

=@ello, maF= My onos responded fer!ently$ I assumed that My onos de!eloped this habit of speech from spending time in India, "here, as a matter of lo!e and respect, "omen are sometimes referred to as =ma,= li!ing facets of the 9reat Mother, the 9oddess of the Uni!erse$ =Bou are loo ing !ery happy today, maF= My onos said$ =I'm doing O?,= said the "oman, "ith a shrug$ =Bou are loo ing !ery beautiful$ Dery radiant$ 8ould you li e to ha!e a beer and share the shine of your heart "ith us, ma<= My onos as ed her$ =(ure,= she said, already !isibly happier$ And definitely more attracti!e$ I reali:ed that My onos's manner, as outrageous as it seemed, "as re!ealing the limits I put on lo!e$ 8hen a "oman entranced me, his "ords disillusioned me$ 8hen I "as indifferent to a "oman, his "ords un!eiled her beauty$ %ither "ay, I "as trapped by the caprice of my desire, and My onos's "ords, as crass as they "ere, sho"ed the possibility to open in a "ay I had ne!er allo"ed3to offer lo!e "ithout holding bac in fear$ =@a!e either of you e!er really been fuc ed< I mean, really fuc ed,= My onos as ed us$ )efore "e could respond, he ans"ered his o"n &uestion$ 6oo ing at us, dra"ing bac his lips to e#pose his front teeth, he shoo his head and said, =I don't thin so$= @e sat in silence, ga:ing at the ocean$ I "aited for him to continue, but he didn't$ I felt I had to say something$ =My onos, "hat does it mean to be really fuc ed<= I as ed$ @e sat for se!eral more minutes "ithout ans"ering, smo ing his cigarette, loo ing out o!er the "ater, as if remembering another time and place$ %!entually he loo ed at our friend and smiled$ =Ma no"s "hat fuc is all about$ 1on't you, ma< @mmm<= (he grinned, a little shy, a little hesitant to admit it, but definitely li e she ne" e#actly "hat My onos "as tal ing about$ @e continued$ =Bou no" "hat it's li e to ta e the 9reat One so far into you there's nothing left to do but gi!e it all up to the 6ord, don't you< Maybe you'!e ne!er done it$ )ut you no" "hat it "ould be li e$ Bou can feel it$ Bou no" you "ant it$ Bou "ant to be fuc ed into 9od, don't you< 1o you no" "hat I mean, ma<=

No" she "as smiling, beaming, nodding her head$ My onos "ent on$ =(ure you do, ma$ Bou no" "hat it's li e because you are lo!e$ Bour heart is lo!e$ Bour mind is lo!e$ Bour pussy is lo!e$= As he spo e My onos loo ed at her heart, her head, and bet"een her legs$ The e#pression on his face "as one of blatant !eneration, but "ithout the slightest hint of pretense$ I couldn't belie!e that My onos "as loo ing at her crotch this "ay, "ithout guile and full of !irtue and lo!e$ Mean"hile, she seemed to be drin ing in his praise, bas ing in his adoration of her form$ =Our poor friend here,= My onos said, nodding to"ard me, =@e is afraid to fuc $ @e is afraid to dance "ith the lady, ma$ @e "ants to stand bac and "atch, li e a scientist$ @e's afraid to lea!e his room, to lose his purity and peace that he has "or ed so hard to attain$ @e's afraid to lose his precious stillness$ @e's afraid of the "ildness of "oman$ %!erything has to be all tidy for him$ @e "ants the pussy, but he doesn't "ant the slop$ @e "ants the tit, but not the tooth$ Oh, he is a good man, alright$ 6oo at the light in his eyes$= My onos put his arm around her shoulders and sat bac so both of them could loo at me$ =The light has guided his entire life$ This boy might >ust ma e it$ )ut not until he learns to embrace the lady, ma$= Then, the air around us shifted$ A dense rapture gre" do"n upon us, descending into our bodies as thic lo!e, permeating us, impregnating us and the space bet"een us "ith a blissful pressure$ My onos continued to spea , his craggy face glo"ing in beatitude$ @e began addressing our friend as if she were the big lady$ @e began spea ing to her as the 9oddess$ =Our boy here "on't no" lo!e absolute, he "on't no" "hat real freedom is, until he can fuc you, and be fuc ed by you, so that only the 9reat One shines in his place$ And I'm not tal ing about him "iggling his pec er in your pussy, you no"< I'm tal ing about the heart$= My onos stro ed his heart and the pressure of lo!e seemed to gro"$ @e continued spea ing, so tenderly$ =Can you feel it no", ma< Can you breathe lo!e into your pussy< Can you open yourself to the 9reat One no"< Can you feel the 9reat One e!ery"here, bet"een your legs, filling your body, brea ing your heart "ide open<= My onos "as loo ing into her eyes as she began to "eep and tremble$ @er legs opened and closed as she breathed deeply and gasped, =Bes$= Then, more loudly, as her body brightened, she F began laughing, "ithout care, full of po"er, full of se#, full of

lo!e$ I =BesF= she yelled, ecstatically, fearlessly$ (he seemed bigger than life, touching herself, opening herself, laughing, radiating fierce energy$ My onos "as right$ I "as afraid$ =And you, my friend,= My onos turned to me$ =Bou're going to die any"ay$ (he's going to eat you, sooner or later$ (top struggling$ 9i!e it all up no"$ 9i!e all your lo!e$ I mean all your lo!e$ 8hy not< 8hat do you thin you can gain by holding bac < 1o you lo!e this "oman right no"< Can you feel her< Is she not the 9oddess< Is she not ali!e as lo!e unbound<= (he "as$ Radiant$ Open$ Ali!e$ 6aughing and "eeping$ 1isplaying her "omanhood "ithout inhibition or pride$ Cree in her glory$ 6egs open$ Tongue thrust out$ @er eyes "ere "ild, full, se#y, unafraid, no"ing$ (he "as e!erything I e!er "anted in a "oman$ %!en though I "as still afraid, my heart "ent to"ard her$ My "hole body filled "ith force$ The force of desire$ =That's it,= My onos said to me$ =1on't hold bac $ 1on't be an asshole$ 6o!e this "oman$ 9i!e her e!erything$ Ceel it all and be free in lo!e$ )e open as lo!e$ There is only lo!e$ Only this 9reat One, al"ays lo!e, al"ays ma ing lo!e$ The 9reat One is Cuc F There, ha!e I said it< @a!e I gone too far< There is only the 9reat One, e!en in all our seeming t"oness$= As outrageous as his "ords "ere, My onos "as right$ 8e "ere sitting on the beach, fully clothed, not e!en touching each other, opening as man and "oman, ali!e as lo!e, opening as lo!e, gi!ing lo!e$ It "as as fuc as fuc gets$ And it "as clear that e!ery moment "as as deeply lo!ing and spontaneously ali!e as this moment, if "e "ould only consent to gi!e and recei!e lo!e "ithout holding bac or closing do"n$ =There is only lo!e,= My onos continued$ =There is only this 9reat One, al"ays churning as lo!e, al"ays ma ing lo!e$ Ours isn't a "orld of angel "ings and "hite spires$ Maybe "hen you die and go to the other side, you'll flit around as golden light$ )ut that's not ho" lo!e shines in this human realm$ @ere, in this place of hot blood and rosy flesh, the 9reat One ma es lo!e through bodies of desire$ This is the red realm$ And the only "ay beyond it is to feel through it3by lo!ing as it$=

2 WILD NIGHT

I had mo!ed into a larger home that I "as renting$ My onos arri!ed early in the e!ening$ @e "as "earing shorts and a tan top, his eyes shining from the crag of his face, "hich loo ed as old and "eathered no" as it had ,+ years earlier in photos he sho"ed me of his time in Dietnam$ @e still had that intense loo in his eyes he called being =on patrol$= My onos "as al"ays on patrol$ The Dietnam 8ar had been o!er for a long time, but for My onos, the =holy "ar= of spiritual life, as he called it, continued$ =1o you ha!e any sa e<= he as ed$ I didn't, but I ne" a nearby li&uor store that probably carried the Hapanese be!erage$ )y no", I "as no longer afraid of drin ing alcohol$ I used to pride myself on health and purity, meditating e!ery day on a special cushion in a sacred spot reser!ed in my house for spiritual practices$ No"3than s to the teachings of My onos3"hether I "as sober or drun , on the beach or in a bar, e!ery moment "as an e&ual opportunity to practice opening to the 9reat One$ 8e had spent a lot of time together, and I had gro"n to trust the scurrilous and impure "ays of My onos's madness$ =I'll go to the store and get some sa e,= I said$ 8hen I returned home, after buying more than I thought "e'd e!er use, My onos sho"ed me ho" to heat sa e in a pot of "ater on the sto!e$ Up until no", "e had only drun beer$ =(a e should be as "arm as the s in on the inside of a "oman's "rist,= he informed me$ 8hen the sa e reached the proper temperature, "e began drin ing$ 6oo ing deeply into my eyes, My onos raised his glass and toasted, =To the 9reat One$= =To the 9reat One,= I replied$ =8hy don't you in!ite some of your friends o!er to drin sa e "ith us<= My onos as ed$ My onos "as not a social person, so I "as surprised by his in!itation$ I made a fe" phone calls to my closest friends that I thought "ere primed3most had been in!ol!ed in spiritual practices for a long time and "ere eager to meet My onos3and in!ited them to the house$ I had been getting together "ith My onos for almost a year by myself, and I "as e#cited and a little ner!ous at this opportunity for 6emuel, Paco, Ielda, and 6ayla to encounter My onos$

My onos and I dran and tal ed at the itchen table, "aiting for e!eryone to arri!e$ =Bour friends3do they li e sa e<= My onos as ed$ =They'll drin "ith you, My onos$= I actually doubted any of them had tasted sa e before$ =Too bad most people are afraid to let go of their thin ing mind and feel beyond to "hat is greater, to lo!e,= My onos said$ =Resistance to lo!e is pretty strong$ 1rugs and alcohol and se#3such sacraments can ser!e to rela# your mind and help open you to the 9reat One$ Of course, they can also rela# your mind and turn you into an oin ing pig$ It all depends on "hether you open out to the 9reat One or in to your o"n impulses$= =To the 9reat One,= I said, raising my glass$ My onos raised his glass silently$ @e loo ed serious$ 8hen his glass "as empty, I refilled it along "ith my glass$ %!ery time My onos dran , I dran $ 8hen he spo e, I listened$ =This place,= My onos nodded his head to"ard the "hole "orld, =is not really a place in the physical sense$ It is a !ision, a realm$ %!erything you see here, all of your e#perience, is ta ing place inside of a roo%.& @e loo ed into my eyes$ @is eyes seemed endless, so deep and blac $ 8hen he loo ed around the itchen again, I began to feel e!erything as a colorful !ision floating in space$ =%!en these bodies, yours and mine, are appearing inside this room$= My onos finished his glass$ I refilled our glasses$ 8e dran again$ =Most people, they feel stuc in the roo%. They belie!e they are physical bodies in a physical room, and that is that$ Bou no"< Most people spend their entire li!es belie!ing that "hat they see is e!erything$ Until they die$ Then it all "ashes a"ay, and they find themsel!es in another roo%, be"ildered$= 8e continued to drin $ =(ome people get a little spiritual$ They ha!e mystical e#periences or "hate!er, and they begin to step outside of the roo%$ They reali:e that they "ere ne!er in the roo% to begin "ith, that all the time they thought they "ere in the roo%, li!ing their little li!es, they "ere actually outside the roo%$ All along, they "ere the space outside

10

the roo%3the deep space of consciousness3but they forgot it, and so they got lost in the goings3on inside the roo%$ They got lost in the drama of their little li!es and forgot the immensity of "ho they really are$J My onos loo ed outside the "indo" and paused$ =Those people,= he continued, =those spiritual people,= he said, "ith more than a hint of sarcasm, =they begin to thin the roo% is bad, because it is so brief, so limited$ They begin to thin that life is bad$ And especially, they begin to thin that pleasure is bad$ (e# is bad$ If the roo% changes after death, if it isn't eternal, "hy bother<= My onos paused to drin sa e, and then continued$ =Bes, my friend, most people are stuc inside the roo%, thin ing it is all there is, li!ing their li!es dedicated to an e!er3changing !ision that is going to e!aporate sooner or later, and so underneath their fa e smiles and fragile relationships they are afraid$ Or, they are desperately hoping that it is better to get outside the roo% once and for all, doing their best to get ready to lea!e the roo%, meditating their "ay into emptiness, praying their "ay to hea!en3or "hate!er3being 'good' and 'spiritual' so they can lea!e all of these suffering, se#ing bodies behind and get outside the roo% of changes, and rest in eternal peace$= My onos dran the rest of the sa e in his glass, placed the glass do"n on the table, turned from the "indo", and loo ed directly into my eyes$ =I, ho"e!er, find it far more interesting,= My onos said "ith a smile, =to be both inside the roo% and outside the roo% at the same time$= My onos held my ga:e longer than usual$ And then I felt it$ I "as trying to escape the roo% through my spiritual practices, trying to achie!e some ind of safety outside the roo%. I "as not "illing to be !ulnerable and fully ali!e in the roo%, and yet, strangely enough, I "as also afraid to let go of e!erything in the roo% and surrender my entire life3my "or , my relationships, my ambitions3dying to the roo%, standing eternally outside the roo%, totally free$ I "as afraid to stay, and I "as afraid to go$ =1rin your sa e,= My onos said, and suddenly I felt the 9reat One3the same depth I sa" in his eyes3ali!e as e!erything and e!eryone$ This room, including our t"o bodies drin ing sa e, ob!iously appeared as this free openness, ali!e as !ast lo!e "ithout bounds$

11

=Besss$ To be outside and inside the roo% at the same time$ 8hy not< @mmm< Imagine a "oman's body "ith your body, right no", inside the roo%. 8hy "ould you "ant to a!oid that< @mmm<= =I "ouldn't$= =Bou seem to be inside the roo% drin ing "ith me right no",= My onos said$ =And yet, you can feel the entire roo% and both of us appearing here$ Bou don't ha!e to lea!e the roo% to be free$ Right no", you are already free3outside the roo%, so to spea 3 "itnessing all the comings and goings, and appearing as a body, feeling, thin ing, "anting to fuc , and so forth, are you not<= =Bes$= =Can you thin of a better "ay to spend your time inside the roo% than celebrating appearance as lo!e< 1ancing "ith the ladies< )ringing lo!e to this place< (tanding outside the roo%, already free, "hile lo!ing inside the roo%, as a body< @mmm< 8ould you rather it be different<= =No$= =9ood, because that's the "ay it is, my friend$ If you forget that you are outside the roo%, you begin to feel trapped by life, so you start loo ing for a "ay to be free inside the roo%, but you can't find freedom there$ Bou're stuc inside the roo% "ith all its ine!itable pain and pleasure and death$ %!en if things seem pretty good right no", you are constantly tense and afraid, because you no" things could get bad any time, and in any case, you "ill die$= My onos paused to drin some sa e$ =On the other hand, if you get a taste of death, or if you get a little spiritual, then you might prefer to be outside the roo%, standing as the clear space, eternally untouched by all this cycling of pain and pleasure$ )ut to do that, to stand outside of it all, you ha!e to a!oid the ladies, you no"< )ecause they'll suc you bac into the roo% e!ery time, you no" "hat I mean<= =Bes$= =8omen or 9od, that's the traditional choice for so3called spiritual men, you see$ )ut it is a completely unnecessary choice$ 8omen are 9od, se# is 9od, everythin$ is 9od, and 9od is beyond e!erything, too$ My ad!ice to you, my friend, is to dance "ith the ladies, lo!e them completely, but ne!er forget that you are also outside the roo%, right no"$ That's "hat "omen "ant from you, any"ay$ They "ant to feel you inside the roo%, totally "ith them, and yet absolutely free and unafraid of life$ They "ant to feel

12

you freely a"a ened outside the roo%, e!en "hile you are pressing your flesh3body against theirs$ @mmm<= =Beah, I can feel that$= =9ood$ Hust remember, nobody "ants to be free$ Not really$ Nobody is "illing to open as lo!e$ That's "hy I'm al"ays on patrol$ More sa eF= As I got up to heat more sa e, Ielda "al ed in$ =@ello, my dear,= My onos said to her, e!en though they had ne!er met$ =@i,= Ielda responded$ =My onos, this is Ielda,= I said introducing them$ My onos loo ed her up and do"n$ @e smiled and nodded his head$ =Bes,= My onos said, =I can see "here this night is going$ 8ould you li e some sa e, my dear<= My onos as ed Ielda$ After heating the sa e, I poured three glasses$ =6et us drin then,= My onos lifted his glass$ =To the 9reat One$= Ielda and I >oined in the toast, and "e all dran and tal ed until 6emuel, Paco, and 6ayla arri!ed$ Une#pectedly, 1imitri and his girlfriend Michelle also sho"ed up, as did Pace's ne" girlfriend, %rin$ 8e all mo!ed from the itchen to the li!ing room, "here "e listened to music and danced$ %!entually, "e all sat do"n on t"o couches and listened to My onos tal $ =%rin,= My onos said after a fe" hours of drin ing sa e, =you are a !ery beautiful "oman$ 1oes Paco lo!e you li e he should<= =8hat do you mean<= %rin "ondered$ =1oes Paco lo3o3o3o3o3o3!3e you<= My onos as ed$ =Beah, I thin so$= =Paco<= as ed My onos$ =8hat<= =1o you lo!e this "oman<= =Beah, I guess$= =Mm3hmm$ Hust as I thought$ This is a beautiful "oman, Paco$=

13

=I no"$= =I thin Paco needs some more sa e,= My onos said, laughing$ I began to "onder "hether it "as a good idea to ha!e my friends get together "ith My onos$ Paco, in particular, could be &uite moody$ My onos didn't seem to mind, though$ @e "as laughing and drin ing and s"aying left and right as he sat on the couch and spo e =Paco, can I as you a &uestion<= My onos as ed$ =(ure$= =@a!e you ever lo!ed a "oman< I mean, really, really lo!ed her<= =8ell, I thin I ha!e, but I'm not sure "hat you mean$= =Then you ha!en't,= My onos announced$ =I thin it is time again to dance$= =8ait a minute$ 8hy are you as ing me these &uestions< 1oes it feel li e I'm not lo!ing %rin<= My onos inhaled "ith a hiss through his front teeth$ =Paco, my friend, "hat do you feel, right no", in your heart<= =I don't no"$ Not much$= =Bour friends here are going to die$ 'ou are going to die$ %rin is going to die$= %rin mo!ed on the couch to be ne#t to Paco$ @er eyes "ere moist$ (he put her head on Pace's lap, hugging him around his belly$ =This is a fine, fine "oman, Paco,= My onos said$ =(he "ants to feel your heart$ 8e all "ant to feel your heart$= =8ell, maybe I don't "ant to gi!e you my heart$= =Cuc you, Paco,= My onos said &uietly$ 8e all sat in silence$ =(he has great tits,= 1imitri suddenly offered "ith a sa e3fueled smile, ga:ing at %rin's nipple3puc ered shirt$ =8o"F Indeed she doesF= My onos chimed in, seemingly delighted at 1imitri's sudden outburst$

14

=%rin, "ould you li e to sho" 1imitri your breasts<= My onos as ed$ =Bes, I "ould,= she said, to my surprise$ %rin sat up and pulled her shirt off o!er her head$ (he "asn't "earing a bra, and her nipples pointed up at a happy angle$ =And you "on't gi!e her your heart, Paco,= My onos said &uietly$ Then, turning to me, My onos shouted, =8hy are you still "earing clothes<= I stood up and too off my clothes, then sat bac do"n on the couch$ =Hesus, you're hairy,= My onos said, loo ing at my legs$ =My onos, "hy are you still "earing clothes<= 6ayla challenged$ =)ecause nobody has ta en them off of me yetF= 6ayla immediately pulled off My onos's tan top and shorts, then too off her o"n clothes$ 6emuel, Ielda, 1imitri, and Michelle follo"ed$ Only Paco remained fully clothed$ =Are "e all happy to be together<= My onos as ed$ =Bes,= e!erybody ans"ered$ =Is there anybody here "ho is afraid of pleasure<= =Not me,= 6ayla ans"ered, teasingly stro ing My onos's belly$ 8e "ere all &uite drun $ =Oh, really<= My onos raised an eyebro" at 6ayla$ =@o" much pleasure ha!e you e!er e#perienced in that chubby little body of yours<= 6ayla laughed$ Then she spread her legs and began to rub the inside of her thighs as she sat on the couch ne#t to My onos$ (he slid do"n so her butt "as almost off the cushion, caressing her s in, lic ing her lips$ =Besss$ These bodies are capable of great pleasureGand painGduring their brief span$ (ho" it to me, ma$ (ho" me your pleasure$= 6ayla "as really getting into touching herself$ @er eyes "ere closed and she began to moan$ (he began thrusting against her o"n hands$ Paco got up and left the room$ =Besss$ No", 6ayla my dear, can you ta e the pleasure from your cunt and let it spread into your heart< @mmm< Can you open your heart as big as your pussy is open< )reathe that fuc all the "ay into your heart$ Ceel your "hole body and heart as one big

15

cunt$ 8ide open$ @mmm< (ho" us the pleasure of your lo!e, ma, filling your "hole bodyF= 6ayla "as mo!ing on fire "ith pleasure, her chest and face flush red$ (he mouthed "ords of ecstasy, silently repeating =cunt= and =fuc = as she touched herself "ith more and more abandon$ I could hear Paco in the itchen, opening and closing cupboards$ %!eryone else "as "atching 6ayla pleasure herself$ =Open your eyes, 6ayla$ 6oo at Ielda,= My onos said$ =(ho" her your body "ide open$ (ho" her your pleasure$ 6et us all see your body fuc ed open by 9od ali!e as lo!eF= 6ayla opened her eyes and continued touching herself$ (he loo ed into Ielda's eyes, and Ielda smiled, shyly$ 6ayla began loo ing at all of us as she touched herself, her mouth opening and closing$ =Cunt,= she said &uietly, humping her hand$ =Besss$ Cunt$ A cunt as big as lo!e,= My onos said, loo ing at 6ayla$ =PacoF= My onos shouted, still loo ing at 6ayla$ =8hat the hell are you doing in there<= =6oo ing for something to eat,= Paco yelled from the itchen$ =@a!e you e!er seen a "oman open her "hole body as lo!e, Paco<= My onos shouted$ =6ayla is opening as big as the uni!erseF Paco, a "oman is sho"ing her heart and shining her cunt as 9od's light in hereF= =I'm busy,= came Pace's !oice from the itchen$ Ielda sat do"n ne#t to 6ayla and started stro ing her, then gently issing her nec and breasts$ =8omen are beautiful, are they not<= My onos as ed$ =Bes they areF= 1imitri ans"ered, almost >umping out of his chair$ =8omen are definitely beautiful,= 6emuel agreed$ =I lo!e "omenF= 1imitri's girlfriend, Michelle, ans"ered$ 8e suddenly reali:ed that %rin "as no longer in the room$ I got up and loo ed through the house for %rin, chec ing the bathroom, the bedrooms, and finally the itchen, "here I found her and Paco sitting at the table, tal ing$ =I don't no" "hat you "ant,= Paco said to %rin$ =I >ust "ant you, Paco$= =Bou ha!e me$= =I "ish I did$= =8hat's up<= I as ed$ =8e're ha!ing a personal discussion$ 8e'd rather be alone right no",= Paco ans"ered$ %rin stared do"n at the top of the itchen table$ I sa" Paco's temples bulge as he ground his >a"$

16

=O?$ I'll chec in "ith you later,= I said, and "ent bac to >oin the others$ 6ayla's eyes "ere closed as she ran her hands from her nees up the inside of her thighs and bac do"n$ Ielda "as touching 6ayla, issing 6ayla's breasts$ Michele and 1imitri "ere ma ing out as they danced slo"ly$ 6emuel "as drin ing sa e and smiling$ 8hen I sat do"n, My onos began spea ing to me$ =@ere "e are$ It's a beautiful e!ening$ 8e are dancing, en>oying being ali!e as bodies$ It's "arm and the air is moist$ )ut "e could be in the desert$= My onos loo ed at me intensely$ =Imagine it's so dry that your throat is parched$ The harsh desert "ind is blo"ing$ 8e are alone$ There are no people, plants, or animals for as far as you can see$ Can you feel that as the roo% "e are in, right no"<= I could feel it$ My onos had a "ay of painting the most !i!id !isions "ith his "ords$ =Or maybe "e are in the late 2*++s,= My onos continued$ Right no", "e are in the midst of a battlefield$ 1ead bodies lay the ground around us$ (omeone is coming at you "ith a nife$ @mmm< Ceel that completely$= My onos "as changing channels on our minds' TD screen, and the sho" changed in the roo%. 8e "ere in the sho"3 in the desert, or on the battlefield3 and also "atching the sho" as it changed from scene to scene$ =8hen you die, you get suc ed bac into any roo% that you need$ Time only is fi#ed inside each roo%. Crom outside the roo%, the 2*++'s didn't happen before the 24++'s$ %!ery place, e!ery time, is happening no", and you can reincarnate into any place, into more than one place and time, "hate!er you need, "hate!er you hold onto$ 6oo around the roo% you are in right no"$= I loo ed at 1imitri issing Michelle deeply, their tongues darting into each other's mouth "hile they s"ayed together na edly$ I sa" Ielda and 6ayla laughing and touching$ 6emuel "as "atching e!eryone as he dran $ My onos began stro ing his o"n penis$ =Most people ne!er gro" beyond their teenage mind, "anting to be se#ually desired, "anting to be se#ually lo!ed$ This roo%, this human realm that "e find oursel!es in, is about se#, primarily$ After you die, if you are still fascinated, still attracted by se#3IAPF3this is the place you come to see$ This is the roo% you inhabit$ Bou could be in any roo%. %!en no", "ith a little bit of practice, you can occupy any roo%. Bou can meditate and enter a roo% of gliding lights, "here e!erything is pastel and gold$ Bou can meditate on an empty roo%, "here no thing is$ People do that, you no"$ They meditate for years and go into other roo%s, other realms, other places$=

17

My onos loo ed at his empty sa e glass, and I filled it for him$ @e dran , loo ed around, and continued to stro e his erection$ =Bou see, there are all inds of places you can find yourself, will find yourself$ And yet, they are all >ust roo%s. (ome are ugly, horrible places, and others are !ery pleasurable$ 6i e dreams at night, you "ill drift in and out of all inds of roo%s, in your life after death$ Most people ha!en't the slightest idea that they in a roo% right no"$ They go about their li!es as if it "ere all leading some"here magnificent$ They don't no" that it's >ust scene after another, all e&ually3eerily3dissatisfying$ Other people get a glimpse$ They see that they are in a roo%, and they reali:e that they can change roo%s. (o they do "hate!er they ha!e in order to lea!e this roo% and get to a better place3 meditate, ta e drugs, pray that "hen they die they "ill go to a different ro o%, a more hea!enly place$= My onos loo ed at my crotch and loo ed a"ay$ I ne" he "as suggesting that I stro e myself li e he "as doing$ It felt a bit odd, but I began to masturbate$ =It all loo s &uite different "hen you are inside the roo% and outside the roo% at the same time, does it not< @ere "e are, in a room "ith na ed "omen, lo!ers dancing, a little drun , e!en erect,& My onos said, motioning his head to"ard my crotch$ =And at the same time, you can feel the roo%. Bes< Bou can feel this all appearing$ Time itself, appearing in place$ 8hat a "onder, hmmm< (tanding free, outside of the roo% as the scenes come and go, and yet totally in the roo%, you no"< In the roo% "ith a hard coc , you no" "hat I mean< Not afraid$ Not partially in the roo%, because you no" it is all suffering, because you "ant out$ )ut entirely in the roo%. (o in the roo%, you are the entire roo%( Bou are the "alls, the floor, you are e!ery body, and you are your hard coc F All of it is appearing, and you are not afraid to be any of itF= (hi!ers ran up my spine as My onos spo e$ I could feel the "hole roo% as me, and all of it shimmering as a dream or a mo!ie filled "ith characters$ )ut I "asn't >ust standing outside of it, "atching it$ I was it$ =Bou see "hat se# is then, don't you< To ha!e no need, no holding, no cra!en obsession$ And yet to be erect, fuc ing e!erything open as lo!e, bringing light into this roo%, into this place, into your "oman and friends, fearlessly, "ith no need for !ictory, "ith no sense of defeat$ Ali!e as light do"n to your coc F The "ar is already "on, lo!e3 bliss is already the substance of e!ery place that appears and e!ery part of you, and yet the holy "ar appears to continue in e!ery roo%, so I remain on patrol$ I don't no"$ Maybe I'm mad$= My onos too another drin , loo ed around the room, and then he loo ed right at me$

18

=Bou ha!e nothing to fear$ Bou are already dead$ This is the other side,= My onos smiled "hile he stro ed himself$ =8hy is it e#actly this "ay<= My onos as ed, not "aiting for an ans"er$ =I don't no"$ I can't account for it myself$ It is a !ast mystery of lo!e, not other than you, hmmm<= My onos sat bac and loo ed around the room$ @e shoo his head and smiled$ =6oo at 6ayla touching herself$ 6ost in the roo% of her o"n sensation$ And 1imitri, dancing "ith his bride$ Recogni:ed as the 9reat One, e!erything is ob!iously ali!e as lo!e$ Bet e!ery thing and e!ery body turns to shit$ %!ery body here "ill be buried in the ground in a fe" years$ If anyone really felt "here their little life "as going, they "ould ill themsel!es in despair, pleasure themsel!es to death, or go insane3or reali:e that they are not stuc in the roo% they are seeing$ )ut they don't ha!e to go to another roo%, either, li e some goddamn religious :ealot$ Already, right no", e!en as this roo% appears, e!en as any roo% appears, no", during dreams, after death3and "e don't really no" "hat this roo% is right no", do "e< It could be a !ision occurring after our last death, hmmm< It could e!en be a !ery real dream "e ha!e yet to a"a en fromGbut in any case, right no", you are feeling itself, the deep space of consciousness in "hich the roo% appears, "hate!er the roo% is$ Bou are already free, open, unlimitedGyou don't need to no" anything else, or e#perience one more moment of this or any roo%. 1o you ha!e any idea "hat I'm tal ing about, mutant<= =Bes,= I ans"ered$ =Bes, you do$ )ut loo at 1imitri o!er there$ @e's not e!en in the same roo%, you no" "hat I mean< This isn't a secret teaching$ It is self3secret, you no"< It may seem li e "e are all in the same roo%, but loo around you$ Nobody else can e!en hear me$= Ielda and 6ayla "ere totally absorbed in their o"n play, and 6emuel had no" >oined them, rubbing their na ed bodies "ith his hands$ 1imitri and Michelle "ere dancing, issing, holding onto each other li e ne"ly"eds$ =?eep stro ing your coc , you hairy bastard,= My onos said to me$ =As you do, loo around$ Ceel the roo%. )reathe it in, the entire appearance$ It's a li!ing !ision$ It is she. 1on't run from her$ 1on't try to find safety$ There isn't any$ Bou are either ali!e as fuc , fully in her e!en "hile you stand free, or you are lost in her and feel trapped$ And she's gonna do a number on your body in any case$ Bour body is her food$ (he's gonna eat you, as all things are eaten and made into other things$ Can you feel3as you are3 outside of this roo%, e!en "hile you stay hard<= =Bes, I'm able to do that right no"$=

19

=9ood$ )ecause this is all there is$ 9od$ The @e and the (he of it$ And (he al"ays comes in t"o$ There al"ays seems li e there is a choice$ Bou no", better and "orse$ 9ood and bad$ Pleasure and pain$ )ut if you belie!e that, she's got you$ There is no choice, no real choice, because she appears as she does, and you are the place of her appearance, you no"< Bou are already free e!en as she dances, right no"$ The point isn't to get a"ay from her, my friend$ The point is to be her$ Not as a practice, but as simple lo!e3recognition, because you are her$ Hust rela#, feel e!ery part of her, breathe her, lo!e her3lo!e as her, "ith your "hole body, including your pec er, no matter ho" she sho"s herself to you$= (uddenly, the "hole scene seemed li e a seedy se# party$ The "omen "eren't that attracti!e to me$ Ielda's breasts seemed lifeless$ 6ayla "as acting obno#ious$ 1imitri and Michelle "ere in a "orld of their o"n$ 6emuel seemed !ery drun and lost in the no!elty of so much na ed flesh$ Paco and %rin "ere arguing in the itchen$ It had seemed interesting, but no" the "hole gathering seemed boring$ And yet, as My onos spo e, e!erything came ali!e as a !ision, "hole scene, the entire appearing "orld, "as she, as My onos id, sho"ing herself$ My onos's !oice "as reminding me o!er and o!er of the "ho, the "hat, and the "here of e!ery scene, of the "hole appearance$ %!en the furniture and the air felt ali!e as conscious light appearing as lo!e's openness$ I "asn't >ust "itnessing the roo%, ) "as ali!e as the sho" itself, recogni:ing the 9reat One opening as forms of lo!e$ I "asn't >ust I standing outside of the roo%, I "as fully in the roo%, open as the roo%, "ith a hard coc $ =Bes,= My onos said, =9od is Cuc $ I ha!e told you this before$ 8hy be afraid of incarnation< Bou are appearing as a body in this roo% "hile also standing as free consciousness outside this roo%. 6et go of e!erything$ )e "illing to let e!erything appear and disappear as lo!e$ @mmm< Are you that free< Are you "illing to stand "ide open, ali!e as e!erything that comes and goes, e!en if nothing appears at all< (tand open, no", playing the "hole roo% and your entire body open as lo!e, full as lo!e, do"n to your pec er, do"n to your toesF Recei!e the lo!e3force of 9od do"n into your head, do"n into your heart, do"n into your coc , your feet$ Open and let lo!e's force press do"n into you, li e thic "ater filling you, pressing do"n into this roo%. )e ali!e as lo!e "ithout limit$ @mmm< 8ould you rather contract your heart and body and struggle "ith "omen, "or , and seeming complication< 1o you "ant to be an asshole, li e Paco<= My onos as ed me$ Hust then, I sa" Paco entering the li!ing room, his shoulders hunched li e a beaten man$ =8hat's up, Paco<= I as ed$

20

=Hust the usual shit$= =Paco, is your coc hard<= My onos as ed him$ =8hat<= =1o you ha!e an e*rec*tion+, My onos as ed, sounding out =erection= as if it "ere a careful pronunciation of a "ord from a foreign language$ =8hat are you tal ing about<= Paco as ed, as he noticed "e "ere stro ing our coc s$ =My friend,= My onos said, =sit do"n and ha!e some sa e "ith us$= I poured the last of the sa e, and "e all dran $ Paco mostly stared at the floor$ =8hat's "rong "ith this picture<= My onos as ed Paco$ Paco remained silent$ =Paco, do you en>oy "earing clothes "hile e!erybody else dances na ed, sho"ing their flesh to the "orld, ecstatic and free as lo!e's body<= =I don't care$= =Paco, loo at your friends here$= Paco loo ed around the room$ @e loo ed at My onos and I stro ing our genitals, and he shoo his head in disgust$ =1o you masturbate, Paco<= My onos as ed$ =(ometimes$= =8ell, are you ashamed of it<= =I'm not ashamed of it, but I "ouldn't do it in public$= =This isn't public, Paco$ 8e're among friends$= =8ell, I "ouldn't do it among friends$= =8hy not<= My onos as ed$ =)ecause it's a pri!ate thing$= =Bes, for most people it is, Paco$ They hide in their rooms to indulge in secret pleasures "hile their li!es pass in unspo en suffering$ )ut here, among friends, among

21

lo!ed ones, "hy not share your >oy< 8hy not sho" your pleasure< @mmm< 8hy "ould you "ant to hide your body's pleasure<= Paco didn't ans"er$ =And if you aren't afraid to sho" your pleasure, Paco, if you aren't afraid to feel pleasure in your entire body "ithout shame, "ithout fear, "ithout guilt, then maybe you can e!en open your heart a little bit and shine your lo!e a little bit to all$ Bour coc is hanging from your heart, you no"$ Ban that thing "hile you breathe lo!e do"n into your heart, into your "hole body$ Ban your pec er "hile you open yourself to 9od, Paco$ )e in!aded by the force of lo!e pressing do"n into you and let it open your heart, fill your belly, and enli!en your genitals$ 8hen your head is rela#ed open so lo!e can press do"n into you, "hen you can ta e it deep into your heart li e a cunt pressed open by 9od's fuc , then you can be lo!e, show lo!e, and $ive lo!e "ithout fear$ Other"ise, "hat is se# but a little tric le of energy through the ner!ous system, a spastic release of middle3class tension<= =)ut I'm not se#ually turned on right no",= Paco e#plained$ =Of course not$ Bour chest is ca!ed in$ Bour belly is tense$ Bour >a" is clenched$ @o" can lo!e enter you "hen your "hole body is tight as a fist< 1ance, Paco$ 9et up and dance$ Open your body and breathe$ Ceel the 9reat One right no", mo!ing through and opening these ugly bodies of dying flesh$ They're >ust bodies, Paco$ They ha!e a fe" years left in them, maybe, but they are >ust meat3bodies3 unless you rela# and feel the 9reat One li!ing you, unless you consent and breathe the 9reat One deep into your heart, deep into your belly and coc $ Then your body can open and be a li!ing force of lo!e in the "orld$ And "ith your "oman, Paco$ That's all she really "ants from you$ Bou can tal "ith her fore!er3until you can fuc her open to 9od and breathe her open in lo!e's bliss, she's going to gi!e you her boo3hoo and long face$= My onos stood up and began dancing, if that's "hat you "ould call it$ @is feet remained planted on the ground as he raised his hands in the air, pulling bac his lips so his front teeth sho"ed, and he bobbed up and do"n, left and right$ My onos "as one of the "orst dancers I ha!e e!er seen, and yet his dancing made me smile and open my heart$ 1imitri turned up the music$ I stopped masturbating and sat bac on the couch, rela#ing, breathing, and opening as My onos had instructed$ My onos loo ed o!er and sa" that 6ayla had started to pump 6emuel's penis "ith her hand$ =If you come, 6emuel, ma e sure you tell us allF= My onos shouted abo!e the music as he danced$ 6emuel laid bac and smiled$ Ielda massaged 6emuel's head and nec as 6ayla stro ed his penis$

22

Crom the itchen, %rin "al ed into the room, loo ed around, too off her clothes, and sat do"n on the couch ne#t to me$ Then she laid do"n and put her head on my na ed lap$ I "anted to touch her breasts, but Paco "as sitting only a fe" feet a"ay on the other couch, and I ne" he "as feeling bad$ (o, I >ust sat there and "atched e!eryone dance and touch each other$ A noc on the door bro e the flo"$ My onos loo ed at me, and I "as about to get up "hen I heard the door open and somebody "al in$ It "as Adrienne$ (he "as an ac&uaintance, a friend of the landlord$ I had met Adrienne once or t"ice, but I hardly ne" her$ (he "al ed into the li!ing room and loo ed around$ =6oo s li e I "al ed into a party,= she said$ I "as surprised at ho" nonchalant she seemed$ (he sat do"n on a chair near to "here 6ayla "as still masturbating 6emuel$ =Are you en>oying the e!ening, my dear<= My onos as ed Adrienne "hile he continued to dance$ As far as I ne", My onos had ne!er met Adrienne before and didn't no" "ho she "as or "hy she "as there$ =8ell, I thin my e!ening is about to get betterF= Adrienne ans"ered$ =Paco, since you are the only one "ithout someone to dance "ith at the moment, "hy don't you dance "ith this beautiful "oman$ 8hat is your name<= My onos as ed$ =Adrienne$= =Paco, it is up to you to "elcome Adrienne to our little party$= Paco reluctantly got up, too Adrienne's hand, and they began dancing together, fully clothed$ =Adrienne$ Bou ha!e !ery large breasts,= My onos spo e loudly from across the room$ Adrienne smiled at My onos$ I couldn't belie!e "hat he said$ Adrienne didn't seem to mind$ =@o" "ould you li e to ta e off your shirt and sho" us your breasts<= My onos as ed$ =No, than you$ I'm all right as I am,= Adrienne ans"ered$ =Bes, you are, my dear,= My onos responded, and danced his "ay o!er to 1imitri and Michelle, "ho "ere ma ing out in the corner$

23

%rin too my hand and mo!ed it to her belly$ (he ob!iously "anted me to touch her, but I still felt bad for Paco$ I stro ed her hair "ith my other hand$ (he began crying, &uietly$ %rin's na ed body, her head in my lap, her !ulnerable tears3I "anted to lo!e her and touch her "ith my "hole body$ I had been in monogamous relationships all of my life$ Cor more than ten years, I had been faithful to 9ia, "ho I considered my life3 partner$ I had ne!er had a one3night stand or an affair$ In that moment, though, "ith a crying, na ed "oman lying on the couch "ith me, her blonde hair against my thighs, tears running do"n her face, I could feel that I "anted to touch her$ I hadn't seen 9ia for a fe" "ee s$ (he "as supposed to be flying home from a !acation that day, and she might "al in any time$ %rin put her hand on top of my hand, "hich "as still on her belly$ @er fine, light bro"n pubic hairs "ere inches from my fingers$ (he turned her face to"ard me and pressed her crying eyes into my belly$ @er lips "ere soft against my belly's s in$ =Inside the roo% and outside the roo% at the same timeF= My onos shouted as he danced$ Paco seemed to be loosening up "hile dancing "ith Adrienne$ =Oh, yuc F= 6ayla yelled$ 6emuel had e>aculated all o!er her hand$ =6emuel, you "ere supposed to tell us "hen you "ere comingF= My onos chided$ =I didn't no" I "as going to comeF It >ust ind of happened$= =8as it pleasurable<= My onos as ed$ =Beah$ It felt great$= =8e "anted to share in your pleasure, 6emuel$ 8e "anted to feel it "ith you$ Ne#t time, let us no"$ (hout it out$ 'I'm comingF I'm comingF'= =O?$ I'll tryF= 6emuel agreed$ =8hat's "rong, 6ayla<= My onos as ed$ =Bou ha!e some ind of biological problem "ith a man's come<= =It >ust surprised me$ And no" I'm all stic y and gooey$ 8hat should I do "ith it<= =8hate!er you "antF= My onos said$

24

6ayla "ent to the itchen$ 6emuel lay bac "ith a rela#ed smile on his face$ Ielda got up and started dancing "ith My onos, Michelle, and 1imitri$ @esitantly, I began to mo!e my hand up and do"n %rin's body, from her belly, do"n her thighs, to her nees, and bac $ (he "as issing my belly belo" my na!el$ I loo ed up and sa" Michelle and Ielda dancing "ith My onos$ 1imitri "as no" dancing by himself$ Michelle began touching My onos bet"een his legs$ Ielda mo!ed to hug My onos from behind, so he "as sand"iched bet"een the t"o "omen$ Ielda reached around to rub his chest from behind and Michelle "as holding his genitals in front$ 1imitri "atched, his dancing becoming less enthusiastic$ Cinally, 1imitri sat do"n on the couch, loo ing despondent$ My onos continued to dance$ @e didn't seem to mind the "omen touching him, but he also didn't seem to care that much$ Michelle's dancing and touching "as becoming more and more se#ual, more animalistic and sa!age$ (he began pulling on My onos's balls$ My onos continued to dance$ (uddenly, 6emuel >umped up and ran to the bathroom$ =Could you chec on 6emuel<= My onos as ed me$ I "ent to the bathroom and found 6emuel curled around the toilet on the floor$ Domit filled the toilet and ran do"n its sides$ 6emuel smiled "ea ly through barely opened eyes$ =I guess I dran too much$= =Beah$ I'll bring you a glass of "ater$= I brought some "ater to 6emuel and told My onos "hat had happened$ =Ah, yesss$ (o 6emuel decided to !isit (ha er @eights,= My onos responded$ @e "as referring to an Ohio city near to "here both 6emuel and I "ere born and raised$ 8e gre" up together as best friends$ =@e's got to learn to breathe it do"n,= My onos said about 6emuel$ =Bou see, he can't circulate his pleasure$ @e lost his spun on 6ayla's hand, and no" he's bringing it all bac home to (ha er @eights$= I didn't no" "hy My onos "as referring to 6emuel's !omiting as going to (ha er @eights, but someho" it made sense$ =If you're going to se# and drin and open, you'!e got to no" ho" to breathe the force through you$ (pirit3that's "hat they call alcohol, you no"3spirit has a force to it,

25

and if you don't circulate it through you, then it has to come out some"here, hmmm< Most people can only ta e so much pleasure, so much life force and openness, before they pop, one "ay or the other$ Bour friend has got to learn to breathe it through him, do"n the front and up the bac , or else he's going to be spending his life !isiting (ha er @eights$ @e's got to gro" and learn to lo!e "ithout brea ing the circle of life in his body$ 6ife isn't about stimulating yourself until you spasm, thro"ing off life's energy through your dic or your mouth or your mind$ 6ife is about opening as lo!e, "ay bigger than the body, as the "hole roo%, the "hole damn circle, from the highest to the lo"est and e!erything in bet"een, you no" "hat I mean<= =AaaiiiiiF= Michelle screamed$ (he "rithed and danced li e a mad"oman, neeling and ta ing My onos into her mouth$ =1o you li e coc <= My onos as ed her$ (he nodded yes as she loo ed up into his eyes$ =@a!e you al"ays li ed coc <= (he nodded again$ =Besss$ Michelle "orships coc $ It's not this coc or that coc $ It's coc $ Michelle is a coc "orshipper$ 6oo at her open and ta e it do"n$= Michelle "as gone$ (he suc ed and groaned, drool coming do"n her chin and nec $ @er eyes "ere rolling, opening and closing$ (he couldn't get enough$ Ielda released My onos and started dancing, "atching Michelle s"allo" My onos li e a mad"oman$ =6ayla en>oys being "ith a man and getting him off,= My onos said, =)ut loo at Michelle$ (he "orships coc $ @mmm< It's a different thing$= 6ayla "al ed in from the itchen and as ed, =8hy is 6emuel laying on the floor in the bathroom<= =@e pu ed,= I ans"ered$ 6ayla sat do"n ne#t to 1imitri and "atched Michelle suc My onos$ 1imitri immediately got up and left the room$ I "asn't sure if he "al ed into another room or if he left the house$ =(ome "omen are "i!es,= My onos said, as he sat do"n on the couch$ Michelle cra"led on her nees to "here My onos "as sitting and resumed ta ing him in her mouth, ferociously$ (he didn't seem to notice "e "ere all "atching$ My onos smiled, shoo his head, and continued$

26

=Bou see, some "omen "ant to find a good man to lo!e$ Coc to a "oman li e this is al"ays part of her man, the man "ho she lo!es, the man "ho she opens to 9od "ith$ Other "omenG"omen li e MichelleGare coc "orshipers$ It's a "hole 'nother thing$ They "ant to open and ta e coc $ It's their "ay of opening to the 9reat One, of surrendering open and ta ing the 9reat One so deep they are lost in the "orship, gone in the gi!ing of themsel!es, gone in their lo!e of coc 3not of a man as a character, as a husband or boyfriend, but gone in the lo!e of coc itself$ 8ifely "omen can't fa e that they are into coc 3they may be into their man's coc , but not any coc $ 8omen li e Michelle, on the other hand, they can certainly lo!e a man, but they "ill al"ays "orship coc $ No "oman "ould be forced to be something she is not$= My onos started tal ing to Michelle, "ho "as still ra!enously mouthing him$ =Besss$ Open all the "ay$ Ta e it do"n into your heart, ma$ Open so "ide you feel the 9reat One bursting open your "hole body to infinity$ Ta e it and open li e you'!e al"ays "anted to$= The room filled "ith intense energy$ This "as more than oral se#$ It felt more li e a religious !ision$ The air felt thic , as if a hea!y pleasure "ere pressing do"n into our bodies$ My point of !ie" changed, so I felt as if I "as outside the roo%, as My onos had spo en, feeling the entire room and e!eryone in it, an arising !ision of thic color, hea!y "ith lo!e3bliss, and yet I "as also in the roo%, as a body$ Tears "ere streaming do"n Michelle's face in adoration of coc $ (he "as fully abandoned in her passionate ministrations, in rapture, as "ere "e all$ %rin began to breath more &uic ly, and her tears of sadness changed to bliss$ (he sat up from my lap and began laughing$ @er hands lifted o!er her head$ @er arms e#tended up"ard and her fingers spread, filled by the ecstasy pressing us all open$ @er legs began to tremble and her mouth opened$ @er head tilted bac , her throat stretched open, and her fingers splayed "ith the pressure of lo!e's force$ %!en Paco seemed filled "ith lo!e's pressure$ @is arms e#tended to his sides and his palms opened "ide$ @is breath became deeper, and he began "eeping$ 6ayla leaned for"ard to get a closer loo at the coc "orship$ @er face seemed a bit tense, perhaps >ealous$ My entire body felt filled "ith a force, the same force of thic lo!e that filled the room, that "as the roo%. My breath deepened and my belly gre" large, filled "ith the lo!e3substance that "as the roo%. My limbs felt li e they "ere filling "ith force, my "hole body ali!e and open$ And yet I also felt entirely unaffected$ Nothing$ Dast space, more nothin$ than space, full as this appearing roo%, thic as lo!e, yet untouched, unrippled by its

27

appearance$ My body and mind "ere blo"n open by lo!e, and yet something "as as it al"ays "as, unchanged, unmo!ed$ =This reminds me of parties I "ent to in the '-+s,= Adrienne said$ =My dear,= My onos said to Adrienne "hile Michelle continued bet"een his legs, =the '-+s "ere about liberation from social constraintsGthis is about liberation fro% e!erything as e!erything$ Can you open your heart and body so much there is no more open to go< @mmm< Are you "illing to offer your lo!eGin your "ay, not necessarily li e Michelle here3so that you disappear in the gi!ing of yourself and yet are ali!e as e!erything< Are you "illing to offer yourself as if to a lo!er3offering your breath, your body, your mind, e!ery part of you3"ide open, so you are in!aded by the 9reat One, fuc ed open by the 9reat One, simply ali!e as the lo!e that you are, ali!e as all, li!ed by the 9reat One appearing as this place, all these bodies, space itself<= =I'm not so sure about that,= Adrienne ans"ered$ =8ell, that's "hy this feels li e it does to you$ Unless you art3"illing to be possessed by lo!e, you are >ust a "oman "ith !ery large breasts "ho happens to be en>oying herself "ith some !ery strange people$= =I am en>oying myself, &uite a bit, really$ Bou all are great$= Paco hugged %rin$ =That's right, Paco,= My onos said$ =6et your heart brea $= Paco "as crying so hard he began con!ulsing as he held %rin in his arms$ 6emuel "al ed in from the bathroom, smiling, his hair messed and his eyes bloodshot$ =8hat ha!e I missed<= he as ed$ Nobody ans"ered$

28

3 THIMBLE

The ne#t day, I slept until the afternoon$ The night had been long$ 9ia had arri!ed home lateGher plane had been delayedGand she >oined us all dancing, "eeping in ecstasy, and listening to My onos$ The house "as filled "ith a tangible air of bliss and openness, and 9ia fit right in$ At some point near da"n, people "ent home or retired to !arious rooms in the house$ 6ayla ended up going to sleep in a room "ith My onos$ Paco and %rin slept in another room$ 1imitri ne!er came bac that e!ening, and Michelle "ent home by herself, as did Adrienne$ 9ia and I "ent to bed, only to ha!e Ielda noc on our bedroom door as "e "ere falling asleep$ =8hat's going on<= I as ed Ielda$ =I thought I heard someone in the bushes outside the house$= I "ent outside and "al ed around the house, chec ing all the bushes, and found nothing$ Ielda sat on our bed, her head hanging lo"$ =If you "ant, you can spend the night "ith us,= I told her$ 9ia agreed, and Ielda seemed happy$ 8e turned off the light and all got into the same bed$ 9ia and I had ne!er shared a bed "ith another "oman before$ )efore long, perhaps still stimulated from the e!ening e!ents and the sa e, 9ia began issing me and fondling my penis$ I "as !ery conscious of Ielda lying ne#t to us$ 9ia duc ed under the co!ers and began suc ing me$ I turned to loo at Ielda$ (he "as ga:ing right into my eyes$ 9ia pulled do"n the co!ers to completely e#pose my body, and continued mo!ing her mouth on my coc $ (he reached out her hand and began to touch Ielda, ta ing Ielda's hand and putting it on me$ -elda. mo!ed closer to us, grabbing me firmly "ith her hand and holding the base of my penis as 9ia continued mouthing me$ I found this to be incredibly erotic$ 9ia in!iting another "oman to touch me$ I lay bac and en>oyed a long3time fantasy$ And then a strange thing happened$ The erotic sensation felt less than open$ I "as grinding my mind into feeling ho" great it "as, tensing my body as I approached an orgasm$ This "as the ind of fantasy that I had al"ays "anted to li!e out, and yet it felt bad, li e eating a gourmet dish that I ne" should taste good but didn't$ Compared to ho" open the "hole e!ening felt, our threesome felt relati!ely closed, paltry, superficial$

29

I remembered My onos's instruction, and I rela#ed$ I felt this sceneG9ia gi!ing me head "hile -elda held my coc Garising in the roo%. I felt through and beyond my o"n body's sensations and the appearance of the scene, opening as the space in "hich the roo% "as arising$ I rela#ed open and felt the entire moment rippling as a mirage in this space that "as boundless and free, the space that I rela#ed open as$ At the same time, I "as incredibly turned on by the t"o "omen on my coc $ My breath opened, my body rela#ed, my belly filled "ith a force of lo!e that that "as the substance of the "hole roo%. ) no longer felt centered in my body, but "as open as e!erything, including 9ia and Ielda$ %ach of their bodies felt as much me as my body did$ Their bodies, my body, the bed, the "all, the sounds, e!en the space bet"een us, shone as open heart3feeling$ No separation tensed the ob!ious openness of being$ 9ia began to rub my s"elling belly as she suc ed$ Ielda loo ed into my eyes, and her eyes moistened$ I felt our bodies mo!e as art, an appearance of lo!e, magnifying lo!e through their care and fondle, opening as the lo!e that "as ali!e as the entire moment, the substance of the roo% and e!erything in it$ Countains of light shot up my spine e#ploding as colors abo!e$ Ceeling open as the "hole room, the rain of color descended through us all, through the air, thic bliss, and 9ia and Ielda moaned and "ept and shuddered, and lo!ed$ No boundaries shored the flo", so e!en time li&uefied as space, suspending se#'s thrill as open a"e$ Touching each other, loo ing into each other's eyes, "e ne" lo!e "ithout limit$ Certainty e#ploded as our bodies' appearance, !anishing, appearing, lo!ing$ A soft eternity, e!anescent and bare, e#posed all sho"ing as lo!e's bliss$ Our play eased open as a motionless peal of light, heart3infinite, undoubtable, complete, gone to 9od$ %!entually, "e slept$ 8hen I "o e in the afternoon, Ielda and 9ia "ere gone$ I called My onos on the phone >ust to chec in$ =@a!e you seen Adrienne today<= he as ed me$ =No$= =1o you ha!e her phone number<= =Bes, "hy<= I "ondered, since My onos ne!er called anyone$ =I >ust "ant to smooth anything out that needed smoothing out$= My onos ended up spending the afternoon "ith Adrienne$ Then he came o!er to my house, and told me about it$

30

=(he's doing fine,= he said$ =It's al"ays important to eep your friends close, but your enemies closer$= My onos held my ga:e for >ust a moment longer than necessary, to ma e sure I understood the point he "as ma ing$ =Ielda came by and !isited me earlier today,= My onos told me$ =Really<= =Mm3hmm$ 1id you fuc her last night<= he as ed me$ =No$= =(he "as glo"ing$ (he "as radiant "ith fuc $ Are you sure you didn't fuc her<= =Bes, I'm sure$= I described to My onos "hat had happened "ith 9ia, Ielda, and me$ =(e#$ It means so much to people$ Cor some people, it's the only "ay they really let themsel!es open to 9od$ Ielda's one of them$ (he could ha!e the !ision of 9od thrust in her face day after day, but an hour of fuc Ge!en feeling 9ia suc ing on your pec erGand she's transformed$= My onos "ent on to describe the different types of men and "omen, and ho" they relate to se# and 9od$ =People spend most of their li!es "anting more se#, better se#, deeper se#$ (e# is probably the main reason that people don't really open to 9od3typical se#, that is$ The 9reat One is al"ays present, ali!e as e!erything, as e!eryone$ )ut people are contracting into se#ual hope, into their ideas about se#, "anting more romance, more emotional connection, more passion$ Most people ne!er fuc in their li!es$ Not really$ Bou no" "hat I mean<= =Bes$= =Most men are satisfied "ith a &uic s&uirt$ And most "omen are fine "ith feeling lo!ed, feeling adored$ 8omen "ant to be adored by a man, and men "ant their dic s treated li e they "ere 9od, you no"< )ut unless you open to the 9reat One, se# is nothing but bondage$= My onos paused$ =1o you ha!e a cigarette<= I "ent to the closet and got My onos a cigarette from the stash I ept for him$

31

My onos lit up and too a drag$ @e loo ed out of the "indo" as "e sat in the itchen$ I "aited for him to continue spea ing$ =This place is about fuc ,= he said$ =This human realm, "e are all fighting for something, but for most people it's about se#$ Bou no" "hat I mean by se#, don't you< The "hole damn thing$ It's not >ust pussy and coc $ It's homes and children and security and comfort$ It's >ealousy and loneliness and hope$ It's time itself$ %!eryone "ants to get laid$ eally laid$ (ome see it through ma ing money, or ha!ing a family, or achie!ing po"er or fame$ )ut it's fuc They "ant$ Cuc $ To be smithereened in bliss, opened beyond all limits, lo!ed absolutely, to gi!e themsel!es completely3to infinity$ Cuc $= @e too a long drag from his cigarette, and e#haled slo"ly$ =@o" long do you thin Ielda "ill be radiant "ith fuc < @mmm< I no" "hat happened here last night,= he said, loo ing deeply into my eyes, before loo ing out the "indo" again and pausing to smo e$ =Bou laid the dharma on her heart$ Bou fuc ed her open, e!en though you didn't actually put your pec er in her, you no"<= =Bes$= =)ut poor Ielda, she's going to beam for a day or t"o, and then it's going to fade$ (he'll be moping again, boo3hooing because she doesn't ha!e a boyfriend, loo ing at her fatty "agon in the mirror and "atching herself get old$= I could feel Ielda's life so clearly as My onos spo e$ =Bou no", my friend, "hat happened last night "ith all of us, I don't no" "hy it happened$ It >ust happened$ That ind of thing can't be planned$ 8e all came together3each in our o"n "ay3and the e!ening came and "ent$ It "as something$ And it "as nothing$ Bou no" "hat I mean< Tal ing too much about something li e that ruins its magic$ 8e all felt "hat "e did$ )ut some of us "ill be able to continue opening, and some of us "on't$= =I no" "hat you mean,= I said, thin ing of Ielda$ And Paco$ And 1imitri$ =An ocean can fall on your head,= My onos said loo ing at me, =but if all you ha!e is a thimble, then you can only catch so much$= My onos ga:ed into the distance$ @e held his cigarette bet"een his lips and began rhythmically clapping the base of his palms together$ =8hen you fuc a "oman,= he said, putting his cigarette do"n on the edge of the table, =you "ant to breathe the light do"n and fill her$ It's a rhythmic thing,= he said,

32

clapping his hands together again, =the pulse of the uni!erse$ )am, bam, bam, radiating out from the center, nobody in the "ay, the 9reat One radiating out as fuc , shining as all things, ali!e as lo!e$ 8omen no" this, intuiti!ely$ 8omen no" in their bodies that 9od is fuc , but fe" get the chance to really open, you no"$ (o they settle for babies and a nice house$= My onos stopped clapping and loo ed at me$ =There's nothing "rong "ith babies and a nice house, of course$= =I no" "hat you're tal ing about, My onos$= =It's >ust that e!ery "oman is the uni!erse$ %!ery "oman is (he, and so she "aits for @e, and he ne!er &uite gets there$= My onos started clapping again$ =@e ne!er &uite ma es it to that second notch, "here fuc becomes more than se#, "here it becomes the pulse of 9od, and the "oman no"s "ho she is because the man no"s "ho she is and fuc s her as she is$ )reathe the 9reat One do"n into you and fuc her open as you both open "ithout end,= his hands still clapping together, =hitting that second notch o!er and o!er, "hich isn't a physical place in her pussy so much as it is the place in her heart that is unseparate from you, hmmm<= I nodded$ =And here she is, all around you, no",= My onos said, loo ing around the room$ =Bou can fuc this moment open >ust li e you "ould fuc a "oman, feeling into her, lo!ing her, opening her as the space beyond the room here, "ho you are, "ho she is, e!en as your bodies fuc ,= My onos clapped his hands together, =or as you breathe, e!en no"$= My onos clapped his hands together "ith our breaths$ =)reathing her, fuc ing her, lo!ing her, in any case you are her$ And until you open as her, and beyond her, she "ill complain$= My onos smiled, and as ed for another cigarette$ After lighting it, he too a fe" long drags, and continued$ =A "oman's energy sometimes seems chaotic, but she is only "aiting to be no"n, recogni:ed for "ho she is$ (he intuits that your recognition of her is someho" necessary for her recognition of herself$ 1o you no" "hat I'm saying<= =Bes, I thin so$= =(he needs to be seen to no" herself, because she is light, she is all, and "hen she is seen fully, "hen you really see her as she is, then she dies in bliss$= My onos laughed$ @e began to sing, totally off ey, =?illing me softly "ith his "ords, illing me softly, "ith his "ords, telling my "hole life, "ith his "ords, illing me softly $$$= My onos stopped singing and began clapping his hands together$ =To lo!e her fully is to

33

open her to death, and that's "hen she no"s "ho she is, "ho you are, "hat is, altogether$= =8hen you can reach that second notch,= My onos continued, bam, bam, clapping the base of his palms together, =then you can fuc her to death, you fuc her to 9od, beyond no"ablity, ali!e as all, transparent as light, ta en by the 9reat One, you no"< %!en no"$= My s in felt li e it dissol!ed, so that my body had no bounds$ %dges seemed !anished as openness$ My onos sat still and &uiet$ A force shot do"n opening my belly large as my breath deepened$ A clear light seemed to fill the room so e!en ob>ects seemed translucent$ And at depth nothing changed at all$ My onos had once again re!ealed the source or place of this room, as all, behind all, ali!e as all$ =8hy don't you call your friends and let's ha!e some lunch,= My onos suggested$

34

4 BLUE TRUTH

At My onos's suggestion, I telephoned 6emuel, Paco, and 1imitri, in!iting them to lunch$ 8e all met at an outdoor cafe on the beach$ A busboy brought some appeti:ers, and My onos nodded to"ard the stage "here a band "as supposed to play later in the afternoon$ Crom a door near the stage the "aitress came and made her "ay to"ard our table$ (he "as gorgeous$ @er hips "ere "rapped in a purple sarong$ @er breasts "ere held by a small yello" bi ini top$ @er athletic belly "as golden3bro"n from hot hours in the sun$ In the long braid of her blond hair "ere t"o bright hibiscus flo"ers, one yello", one red$ =Bes,= My onos said languidly, hissing the final =s= as he usually did "hen tal ing about "omen or 9od$ =Besss$ (he is beautiful, is she not<= 8e all nodded, in our o"n "ay$ 6emuel ga!e his usual slac 3>a"ed, =Uh3huh$= 1imitriG"ho told us he had gone home the pre!ious night "hen he felt hurt by Michelle's affections to"ard My onosG"as more interested in the fish tacos on his plate than the "aitress, though he loo ed up and e#claimed an enthusiastic, =Oh yeahF= Paco, ho"e!er, definitely seemed to be in some ind of mood$ @e stood up from our table, sha ing his head and mumbling something to himself, and "ent to play some beach !olleyball not far from "here "e "ere sitting$ I couldn't eep my eyes off of the "aitress$ (he seemed perfect$ Absolutely beautiful$ I "anted her$ =)reathe her in, my friend,= My onos said softly, =(he is all around you$= My attention snapped from the "aitress as if from a dream$ .he is all around you. My onos had a "ay of "a ing me up$ =Mm3hmm$ Bou li e her, don't you<= My onos as ed me$ =Bes$= =Bou "ant her$= =Bes$= =6oo around$ (o does e!erybody else$= I loo ed around$ There "ere red3faced tourists tal ing about the scenery and che"ing their food$ Paco "as playing !olleyball "ith a group of young locals on the beach$ A fe" couples sat at tables around us, holding hands, sipping their drin s from huge ice3filled glasses and spea ing to each other in !oices of &uiet affection$

35

Nobody seemed to notice the "aitress, "ho had stopped at the table right ne#t to ours to ta e an order$ (he "as in her early t"enties, probably a college student or a surfer "ho "as ma ing some e#tra money for the summer, "aitressing at this beachside cafe and bar$ @er s in "as fla"less and her nipples pressed their shape deep into my brain$ =Besss,= My onos continued, as if spea ing to himself, =%!erybody "ants her$= Then the "aitress came to our table$ (he "as stunning$ (he "as standing so close I could see the fine blonde hairs on her tummy$ @er eyes "ere clear and blue, and her smile "as truly happy, as if she "as ha!ing the time of her life "aiting tables$ The slit of her sarong re!ealed lotion3glistening thighs all the "ay up to the yello" bi ini bottom she "ore under her sil y "rap$ =@ello, my dear,= My onos said to the "aitress, =8e'll ha!e three pitchers of beer and some more fish tacos for 1imitri,= nodding to"ard our friend "ho loo ed up from his plate and smiled$ =Is that all<= as ed the "aitress$ =That's it for no",= My onos ans"ered$ As she "al ed a"ay, I "atched her until she disappeared through the door ne#t to the stage$ =Poor Paco,= My onos said, ga:ing out to"ard the beach "here the !olleyball game "as in progress$ =@e thin s he can play$ 6oo at him$ @e thin s he's really good$= Paco "as a lot better at !olleyball than I "as, and as far as I ne", he "as a lot better than My onos, too$ =All puffed up, thin ing he loo s so good$ One day, Paco is going to find his heart$ And then $$$= My onos trailed off, smiling as if he ne" the punchline to a >o e that "as yet to come$ 8hen a busboy brought our beer, My onos filled his glass and raised it$ =To the 9reat One$= =To the 9reat One,= "e all >oined in, raising our beer, and then drin ing$ I ept loo ing for the "aitress$ 8e dran beer, snac ed a bit, and rela#ed, as the afternoon gre" long$ Paco finally finished playing and returned to our table$ My onos greeted him$ =Bou're a fine player, Paco$=

36

=Beah, I'm not bad$ Used to be better$ I used to play in college and $$$= =8ould you li e a beer, my friend,= My onos interrupted$ =(ure,= Paco ans"ered, as 6emuel filled his glass$ =To the 9reat One,= Paco toasted, raising his glass$ 8e all raised our glasses, and dran $ =8e are all en>oying this fine day together, filled "ith lo!e, and our friend here has his mind on a "hoor,= My onos said to"ard me "ith a raise of his eyebro"$ @e said the "ord ="hoor= li e it rhymed "ith =tour= "hene!er he "as praising a "oman for her radiance, her light, her open3heartedness$ Cor My onos, ="hoor= meant something !ery different than the common "ord ="hore$= A ="hoor= "as a !ision of light, a goddess$ =8here is she no"<= My onos as ed me, loo ing directly into my eyes$ @is eyes "ere !ery dar , the deep blac of an endless "ell$ =I don't no"$ Probably bac in the itchen, I guess$= =Bou can't feel her no"< @mmm< Are you bereft of "oman<= @e emphasi:ed the "ord =bereft= to tease meK it "as the ind of I "ord I "ould use, not he$ =No$ I'm not bereft of "omen$= =I said wo%an, not "omen$= I loo ed into his eyes$ @e held my ga:e "ithout mo!ing$ (uddenly, e!erything stopped$ It "as as if "e "ere in a mo!ie, and e!erything fro:e motionless3the people, the birds, the ocean, all completely still3"hile My onos continued$ &/reathe her.& I couldn't tell if My onos said this out loud, or if I "as remembering something he had said earlier$ I noticed that I had stopped breathing$ I began to breathe again$ (till, nothing else mo!ed$ As I inhaled, a fragrance filled my body "ith tendrils of lo!e, curling li e paisleys deep in my heart$ My onos held my ga:e "ith his deep blac eyes$ The bliss of paisley "as no" almost too much to bear$ And e!erybody "as laughing and tal ing suddenly, the birds fle" and the ocean lapped up on the beach, as My onos bro e his ga:e and reached for his beer$ =1o you thin she li es you<= he as ed me$ =I don't no"$=

37

=(he doesn't e!en no" you e#ist,= My onos said$ =6emuel, ho" long has your friend here been obsessed "ith "omen<= =I ne!er thought he "as obsessed "ith "omen,= 6emuel ans"ered$ =Oh, yes$ @e is obsessed "ith "omen, although he doesn't li e them$= =@e seems to li e "omen to me$= =Not e#actly,= My onos said "hile pulling bac his lips, e#posing his croo ed teeth$ =1o you no" "hat I'm tal ing about, 1imitri< No, you do not$ 6oo at 1imitri eating$ 6oo at ho" happy he is$= My onos laughed and dran more beer$ As usual, I tried to eep up "ith My onos, drin ing "hene!er he did, gulp for gulp$ I felt a little "oo:y$ The air "as still hot, though it "as getting late$ The band climbed up on the stage and began playing$ It "as typical bar brand music, generic and uninteresting$ =BesF Right onF= My onos began shouting to the band$ I "as still thin ing about "hat My onos had said to 6emuel$ 8hat did he mean that I didn't li e "omen< =C'mon men,= My onos said to us$ =6et's gi!e the band some energy$ They are here to ser!e us and bring us happiness$ (ho" them you are into it$= =)ut My onos, I'm not into it,= Paco said as he read the bac of the menu$ =Paco, you're not into anything$ @a!e another beer, my friend$= My onos re3filled his glass$ Paco continued$ =I mean it$ I don't "ant to fa e it$ This music suc s$= My onos smiled "ide and shoo his head in moc disbelief$ @e pushed his craggy face for"ard so his bent nose "as inches from Pace's$ =This is 9od,= My onos said$ @e paused for a moment, smiling into Pace's face, and then sat bac , bursting out "ith laughter$ =8ho the hell am I hanging out "ith< A mutant, a re>ect from (ha er @eights, a dolphin, and the 6ord of 1ar ness himselfF Bou guys are unbelie!ableF This is itF Right no"F This is the 1i!ine DisionF It doesn't get more di!ine than thisF= My onos raised his glass high$ This time, he didn't say a toast$ @e touched the air "ith his beer glass, toasting silently "ith an unseen guest$

38

=I don't no"$ Maybe it's time to go home$= My onos "ondered out loud$ 1imitri chimed in$ =8e can gi!e the band energy$ AlrightF= he shouted to the band$ =AlrightF 8e lo!e youF= I cringed$ I couldn't belie!e ho" nai!e and gullible 1imitri seemed$ =BesF= My onos yelled right along "ith 1imitri$ =8e're "ith youF= The band loo ed up directly at our table$ They smiled and nodded$ My onos lifted his beer to them, and smiled$ =9ood >ob 1imitri$= Paco continued to sul $ @e hunched his shoulders and pressed his lips together$ =8hat's "rong, Paco< Bou can play !olleyball "ith great energy, but you can't gi!e lo!e to the band<= My onos as ed$ =)ut I don't lo!e them$ I don't e!en no" themF= =Ahh$ Paco$= My onos pulled bac his lips again and hissed$ =Besss$ Bou don't no" them$ Bou can only lo!e$ That's all you can ever do, Paco$ The band is al"ays playing, "hether you li e them or not$ 1o you no" "hat I mean< The lady is al"ays sho"ing herself to you, "hether you li e her or not=GI ne" My onos "as tal ing to me no"G=and all you can do is lo!e$ %!en if the band doesn't no" "ho you are$ %!en if the lady doesn't care$ =(he's a beautiful "hoor, is she not<= My onos as ed, loo ing directly into my eyes$ I began to feel li e I "as sin ing, being pressed do"n at my heart into a hole "ith no bottom, spinning a little, and suddenly the "aitress "as at our table, refilling our "ater glasses$ (he must ha!e come up from behind me$ =Are you ha!ing a good day<= My onos as ed the "aitress$ =Bes$ It's a little busy$ )ut I li e it that "ay$= =My friend here finds you beautiful,= My onos said, nodding to"ard me$ I couldn't belie!e My onos had said that$ =Than you,= the "aitress said, "ithout a hint of shyness$ I thought she must recei!e compliments all the time$ =It's a beautiful day, isn't it<= My onos as ed her$ =Really beautiful$ I lo!e clear, sunny days$= =Bou can feel the sunshine in your heart, can't you<=

39

(he stopped filling our glasses and loo ed at My onos for the first time$ =Bes$ I guess I can$= =Bour heart is !ery bright, my dear$= My onos continued, his deep blac eyes loo ing into hers$ (he smiled and held ga:e "ith My onos$ Nobody said a "ord$ Cinally, she loo ed do"n, s"allo"ed, loo ed up again at My onos, breathed deeply, nodded, and "al ed off$ =A truly fine "hoor, that one$= %!eryone lifted their glasses and dran "ith My onos, e#cept I Paco$ =1o you ha!e a problem, Paco<= My onos as ed$ =No$= =1oes he ha!e a problem<= My onos as ed, turning to me$ =Paco doesn't li e to be happy$= =That's not true,= Paco &uic ly responded, leaning for"ard and crin ling his forehead$ =I >ust don't li e to lie$= =Bou thin "e are lying, is that it, Paco<= My onos as ed$ =8ell, sort of$ I mean, you don't e!en no" that "aitress, but you treat her li e a princess$ The band suc s, but you pretend that it's good$ 6ast night, you treated Adrienne li e an old friend, but you had ne!er e!en met her beforeF I >ust don't feel li e fa ing it$= =Paco, Paco, Paco,= My onos said through his teeth$ =8hy the hell are you ali!e<= =I don't no"$ Maybe I shouldn't be$= =Paco, I thin My onos is as ing "hy anyone is ali!e,= 6emuel suggested$ =Besss$ 8hat does 'ali!e' mean<= =I don't no"$= Paco said, "ith a shrug$ =8ell, "hat does being ali!e feel li e<= My onos as ed$ =Right no", pretty bad$ I feel li e you guys are attac ing me$= =Paco, loo at these strange friends of yours here$ They lo!e you$ Bou no" it$=

40

=Beah$ I guess so$ I >ust don't "ant to pretend I'm happy if I'm not$ I don't "ant to pretend that I li e the band if I don't$= =8hy not<= My onos as ed as he dran his beer$ =)ecause I "ant to be authentic$= My onos laughed so suddenly that he spe"ed beer o!er 6emuel$ 6emuel too off his spotted glasses and "iped them clean "ith a nap in, smiling$ =Paco,= My onos continued, =loo around you$= Paco straightened his spine and loo ed around$ =Beah<= =8hat do you see<= =The ocean, the s y, the sand, a bunch of people$= =And "hat are they doing<= =I don't no"$ 8hate!er they are doing$= =%#actly$= My onos sat bac and s"allo"ed another gulp of cold beer$ @is ga:e "as no" directed o!er the ocean, as if he "ere loo ing at something far, far a"ay, perhaps >ust o!er the hori:on$ =Dolleyball$ 8omen$ Cish tacos$ Bou'!e got to feel her right no", all around you li e the colors of a flame, touching you al"ays$ 1o you no" "hat I mean< Bou'!e got to lo!e her, breathe her, feel the truth of her, until she dies$ 8hat else are you going to do<= =That might "or for you, but not for me,= Paco announced sitting bac in his chair$ My onos paused and breathed deeply$ @e put his hand on Paco's thigh and spo e lo!ingly, =Bou are not ali!e for yourself, my friend$ Bou are not here to play !olleyball and "ithhold your lo!e3from us or from %rin3because you don't feel it$ Bou are alive as lo!e$ This "hole place is lit up as lo!e$ If you can't feel it, don't punish others for your inability to feel$ 6oosen up, my friend$ Ceel the mystery of you and this "hole place, breathe the mystery3and then you tell me if this place is other than lo!e$ @mmm< Maybe you are li!ing a lie, Paco, not me$ 6o!e is the truth3of you and all these other mon eys$= =)ut I don't feel lo!e,= Paco said, almost pleading$ =Ahh, yesss$= My onos sat still for a fe" minutes, loo ing far off to"ard the hori:on$ (uddenly he smiled hugely, and started to spea "ith moist eyes$ =@a!e you e!er loo ed closely at a flame, Paco< The reds and yello"s are easy to see, but deep in

41

the center of the flame is blue$ Bou can easily a!oid the blue, miss it altogether if you >ust loo at the surface colors$ )ut al"ays blue is here, deeper than "here your !ision stops$ %!en no", blue$= Luietly, My onos made a sound I could barely hear, and then sat in silence, still ga:ing far a"ay$ After a fe" moments, My onos pointed$ =6oo into the s y$ 6oo deeply$ )lue$ 6oo into the ocean$ The deeper the "ater, the bluer it gets$ )lue is the color of deep$ And beyond e!erything you can see, deeper than all the things you li e or don't li e, there is a place "here e!erything is blue, so blue, li e "ater that does not end $$$= My onos stopped himself and smiled$ =I still don't see "hy I should try to gi!e people lo!e if I don't feel lo!e,= said Paco$ =)ecause, my dear friend, you are lo!e$ )ut you are trapped in the colors that possess your eyes and curl around your heart$ Ceel deeper than your sul , feel deeper than "hat you can see, feel into the blue$ The "aitress, fish tacos, !olleyball3e!erything you can see and no" is more shallo" than the blue truth$= =And >ust "hat is the blue truth, My onos<= as ed Paco$ =Cor you, Paco< 8hat is the true blue truth< 8hate!er sets your heart free$ 8hate!er allo"s you to feel deeper than things seem$ If you "ant to curl up and pout, Paco, nobody can stop you$ )ut it hurts you and e!eryone to do so, because it's a lie, and deep do"n, you no" it$= My onos turned again to the band$ =BesF= he shouted as the lead singer hit a high note, =BesF Right onF= The lead singer loo ed at My onos and smiled$ The band began to play "ith more life$ The "hole place seemed to come ali!e, to get brighter$ =Can you feel her no"<= My onos suddenly turned and as ed "hile ga:ing deep into my eyes$ =Can you feel her ali!e as e!erything, or do you still only feel her "hen she fills your damn glass3or suc s your dic <= he as ed me$ =I feel her, My onos$= =Besss$ 8hen you are ready, "hen you embrace her for the sa e of the truth of her, you'll no" "ho she really is$ No" you only see the tip of her flame, pulling you in and burning you up in all this surface lo!ing, in all these bodies and eating and se#ing$ (he's fantasticF My friends, if you could see her surrendered o!er, totally ta en by the 9reat One "here no appearance burns at all, "here it is cooler e!en than blue $$$= My onos smiled and sho"ed his teeth$ @e reached for his beer, loo ed at each of us, and laughed$ =Perhaps, for no", the blue truth is enough$ @mmm<=

42

5 BEYOND BONDAGE

=9ia is going to ill you some day,= My onos said$ 8e "ere sitting on the sand, loo ing at the ocean "ater rolling in$ My onos and I had been getting together almost e!ery day for a number of years no", and he had decided I needed to learn to surf$ @e "as teaching me to boogie board, "hich is done lying do"n on a small body board rather than standing up on a regular si:ed surfboard$ =8hat<= I as ed$ =9ia is going to ill you unless she lea!es you alone$ (he lo!es you so much, you are going to burn up$= 6ately, my nose had been bleeding, especially "hile teaching the "or shops on se#uality and spirituality that My onos had encouraged me to teach$ I "ould sometimes get a high fe!er that lasted for se!eral days, "ith no other symptoms$ I "ent to see se!eral doctors and specialists, but they couldn't find anything "rong "ith me$ My onos suggested I had a condition that he called, =(ha ti fe!er$= @e seemed to thin the internal heat "as part of a spiritual process$ @e also thought that 9ia3"ho "as a =hot= "oman, full of fiery passion and urgent lo!eGmight be adding to the heat$ =I no" you lo!e her, and she lo!es you$ )ut this isn't about lo!e, itMs about a pattern you might not be able to see,= My onos said$ =Come on, let's get in the "ater$= 8e "al ed do"n the beach to the ocean's edge, lay on our boards in the "ater, and paddled out beyond "here the "a!es "ere brea ing$ Rising up and sin ing do"n "ith each ocean s"ell, "e rela#ed on our boards in silence$ =The "ater is consciousness,= My onos said$ =Ceel it$ %!ery"here$ @mmm<= Although "e "ere floating on the ocean, the ="ater= My onos "as tal ing about "as ob!ious$ It "as as if "e "ere floating, or suspended in, and e!en made of, infinite "ater, a fullness that felt lo!e3thic yet open$ 8e rela#ed "ithout spea ing for more than an hour$ Then I started to get ner!ous$ =8ell, my friend, are you ready to let go of your relationship "ith 9ia and mo!e on< Are you ready to trust the open "ater<= As My onos as ed his &uestion, my belly and chest tightened$ I "as stunned, and I immediately felt un"illing to let go of 9ia$ 8e "ere tied together tightly$ (he and I shared e!erything$ 8e had been through so much together for more than a decade that I couldn't imagine li!ing "ithout her$ 8e spent plenty of time apart, teaching, tra!eling, studying "ith our teachers, but "e al"ays ne" "e "ould soon come bac together, our relationship rene"ed$ (he understood me better than anyone, and she trusted me, as I did her, implicitly$ =1o you really thin "e should mo!e on<= I as ed, feeling some"hat disingenuousGI could already feel "hat My onos "as getting at$

43

=Nothing is permanent,= My onos said$ =6et her go, and see if she comes bac $ Bou t"o ha!e been together for a long time$ Bour lo!e is deep and real, deeper than most people "ill e!er e#perience in their li!es$ )ut you are also identified "ith each other as a couple$ The Peepster,=G My onos often called 9ia the =Peepster= for some reason3=she is identified "ith being your partner$ (he "ants to be no"n as yours$ It's important to her$ And she ideali:es your relationship$ (he doesn't understand that "hat she "ants from you, no man could gi!e her$= 8e bobbed up and do"n on the s"ells as I felt into "hat My onos "as saying, no"ing that he had hit upon one of my tightest nots of fear$ =And you, you're afraid to let go of your relationship and be li!ed by the 9reat One for real$ If you "ant my gut feeling, it's time for you and the Peepster to trust deeper than the form of your relationship$ 6et go of each other "hile you continue to open your hearts and lo!e$ )rea the old patterns of relating$ Mi# it up a little$ Bou don't ha!e children to "orry about$ 8hy not find out "hat happens< The future can't be predicted$ Maybe you'll come bac together as a couple, maybe you "on't$ )ut it's time to let go and find out "hat happens "hen you open and offer your lo!e "ithout holding onto the past form$ That's my gut feeling, if you "ant it$ My onos had ne!er gi!en me such direct ad!ice before$ Although he fre&uently suggested practices to me, he had ne!er offered such strong and specific direction about ho" to li!e my life$ @e al"ays left it up to me to feel "hat "as best, perhaps offering subtle hints as to his feeling$ I "as surprised by the strength of his direct suggestion3and I felt punched in the belly by the thought of possibly losing my relationship "ith 9ia$ =@o" often do you and the Peepster teach together<= My onos as ed me$ =Pretty often$ 8hene!er our schedule allo"s it$ 8hy<= =8ell, I'm not sure it's a good idea to teach together$ Bou are both identified "ith being a couple, and the public e#pects that$ At least for a "hile, maybe you should ta e a brea from teaching together$= Cor yearsGe!en before meeting My onosG9ia and I had taught together, and "e made a great team$ My mind "as trying to grasp the Tightness or not of My onos's suggestion, but mostly I felt nauseous and afraid$ 9ia and I had recently been feeling a shift deep beneath the surface of our relationship$ (he and I tal ed about it at length, but "e couldn't put our finger on it$ Until My onos offered his gut feeling, I hadn't allo"ed myself to feel ho" reticent I "as to plunge this particular depth$ I "as letting something slide deep do"n "hile riding the lu#uriance of a fruitful and fulfilling relationship$ My onos's suggestion inter!ened sharply in my la#ity$

44

=Ceel the "ater, my friend,= My onos said, loo ing distantly o!er the hori:on$ =%ndless "ater$ In that endlessness, "e all ma e our cults$ Our little cults of relationship gi!e us a sense of purpose, comfort, and safety$ 8e are all going to die, but before that, "e do e!erything "e can to ha!e it all ma e sense, to feel lo!ed, to find our place$ )ut there is no place$ @mmm< There is no placeF Hust the roo% you find yourself in for the present, and e!en that can be felt beyond, hmmm<= The thought of ris ing my relationship "ith 9ia "as tightening my gut, closing in my feelers, so I didn't e!en notice the ocean and s y3let alone the roo% and the deep space of consciousness that My onos "as indicating$ I "as thin ing of 9ia, about ho" much I lo!ed her, about our incredible time together$ I had e#pected to be "ith her for the rest of my life$ %!en so, My onos's force of truth "as cutting through my "orries, opening me to a deep trust that felt utterly free, e!en as my body and mind panic ed$ =6et her go, my friend$ 6et e!erything go, and see "hat remains, hmmm<= My onos paddled to catch the ne#t "a!e$ I "atched the curl of "ater carry him to"ard the beach$ 8hen his ride finished, he slo"ly paddled bac out to"ard me, stopping about /+ feet a"ay$ I couldn't tell if his distance signaled that the discussion "as o!er, or if he "anted to be alone$ I paddled to"ard him, slo"ly$ @e didn't seem to notice$ @e loo ed out o!er the ocean, facing the hori:on "here the blue "ater and the blue s y met$ I floated on my board, bobbing up and do"n "ith the s"ells, feeling the openness of the "ater, my insides still churning in turmoil$ =Bou should find yourself another "oman, and 9ia should find herself another man$ (ee "hat happens$= I "as shoc ed, again, by My onos's atypical directness, and I "as turned inside out by his suggestion$ My abdominal organs felt grabbed and e#posed to the ocean's slosh$ My onos's "ords sei:ed and re!ealed the submerged patterns of my bonding "ith 9ia$ I held onto 9ia as a precious >e"el3perhaps the most precious part of my life$ Other people seemed to !alue our relationship, too$ People "ho attended our "or shops often loo ed to our relationship as an e#ample$ I began "orrying about the ramifications to others, "hen My onos read my mind$ =8hy do you thin people come to your "or shops<= My onos suddenly as ed$ =To learn something, to gro", I suppose$= =Bes, but it has nothing to do "ith "hat you say$ They come because they feel something from you$ They feel your openness, your yo$ic disposition,& My onos said

45

"ith a smile, crin ling his nose, e#plaining and chiding me at the same time$ =All you and 9ia can offer is your integrity as practitioners of lo!e$ It's time for you both to li!e "ithout a safety net, opening to be li!ed by the 9reat One, disco!ering your true form of lo!e as you offer your heart, breath by breath$= I felt into further repercussions of changing the form of our relationship$ I felt ho" my and 9ia's families might react$ I thought of our friends$ Our daily life together$ Our intimate discussions$ Cuddling$ I remembered all the times 9ia had stayed "ith me "hile I "as sic , in the hospital, through e!ery ma>or physical, emotional, and spiritual crisis of my adult life$ (he had al"ays been "ith me, through good times and bad, offering me a depth of lo!e, de!otion, and "isdom that I had ne!er felt in another "oman$ %!er$ 8hy "ould I "ant to ris that< I "ould ne!er find another "oman li e 9ia$ =OutsideF= My onos said, indicating that a large "a!e "as rolling in$ Cor a "hile I didn't mo!e$ My attention "as loc ed in a cascade of catastrophe and conse&uence unfolding in my mind$ I snapped out of my re!erie >ust in time to duc under the "a!e, holding my breath until the "ater passed o!er me$ =6o!e is lo!e$ (e# is se#$ And bondage3e!en beautiful bondage3is still bondage$ 1o you understand<= My onos as ed$ I could feel "hat My onos "as tal ing about, but I didn't "ant to feel it$ =I remember once, many years ago, "hen my "ife and I "ere li!ing "ith my teacher and some of his students,= My onos recalled, loo ing out o!er the hori:on$ =One night, my teacher noc ed on my cabin door$ It "as late, and I had been sleeping, alone$ @e "as laughing hysterically "hen I opened the door$ I as ed him "hat he "anted, but he >ust ept laughing, signaling me "ith his finger to follo" him$ 8e "al ed along the forest trail, past a fe" cabins, finally stopping outside the "indo" to a cabin of one of my friends$ My teacher pressed his ear against the "indo"3the curtain "as closed so you couldn't see inside3and then he fell to the ground laughing$= My onos paused for a fe" moments as a set of "a!es rolled beneath us$ =Cinally, I pressed my ear against the "indo" of the cabin,= My onos continued "ith his story$ =I could hear t"o people ha!ing se#, loudly$ The "oman, especially, "as moaning and screaming in pleasure$ And then I reali:ed, it "as my "ifeF My "ife "as in that cabin ha!ing se# "ith another man$ And lo!ing itF (he "as screaming "ith pleasureF I remember ho" offended I "as, that my "ife could ha!e as much pleasure "ith another man as "ith me$ And I remember my teacher laughing$=

46

My onos smiled for a moment, and then stopped$ @e turned to loo at me "ith great lo!e and understanding in his eyes$ =9ia and you share a deep lo!e, but maybe it's time to brea the cult$= My onos rode a "a!e in to"ard shore, then paddled bac out, and too another "a!e in$ I "as too stunned to really get into surfing$ I did my best to rela# my body in the cool ocean "ater, draping my arms o!er the board$ %!entually, My onos paddled bac out, resting "hen he "as close enough for me to hear him$ =Relationship is bondage, unless your lo!e is larger than the cult,= My onos said, his !oice &uiet and s"eet$ =Are you ready to feel open, as endless and ob>ect3free as the "ater< Perhaps not,= My onos smiled, loo ing tenderly into my eyes$ @e too the ne#t "a!e in to the shore and I follo"ed him$ 8e set our boards do"n on the beach and sat on the sand, loo ing out o!er the ocean$ A man and "oman "al ed by, hand in hand$ A bit do"n the beach, the couple stopped to embrace and iss, the "a!es rolling up the beach, s"irling around their an les$ My onos nodded to"ard them$ =Most people ne!er get beyond trying to o"n each other's lo!e in a ind of contractual bondage$ I'm not saying you should ha!e se# "ith all inds of people$ That "ould be bondage tooGbondage to the !agaries of your desire$ 8hen you can stand free and lo!e "ithout o"nership, so your entire being is open li e "ater, maybe you choose to be alone or celibate$ Maybe you choose to share lo!e in a couple, perhaps raising a family$ Maybe you choose to ha!e ten se#ual partners$ Maybe you are heterose#ual or homose#ual$ Bour true form of intimacy must be disco!ered "ith real integrity in lo!e$= My onos continued loo ing at the couple, holding each other in the shallo"s as the "a!es rolled in and bac out into the ocean$ =%!ery person needs to find the true form of their intimacy, their "ay of opening as lo!e to 9od through se#3and you can choose to ha!e a deep and lo!ing intimate relationship "ithout any se# at all$ 8hate!er form of lo!e you choose, commit to lo!ing "ithout limit, gi!ing yourself entirely$ )ut "hen a lo!e relationship becomes a stand3in for utter opennessG"hen you are afraid of losing lo!eGthen you bind yourself in clinging, enclosing lo!e in a cult of t"o, engaging your lo!er in contracts of fear$ 8hen a relationship binds your heart in fear of betrayal, then it isn't an offering of lo!e, it's a trap$= I "ondered "hether I "as ready to li!e by this truth, "hich seemed so ob!ious$ Part of me certainly felt that 9ia "as mine$ I felt assured in her de!otion$ I assumed that she "ould ne!er be "ith another man$ I too great comfort in no"ing that 9ia "as "aiting for me "hen I "as tra!eling, teaching on the road$ I carried the no"ledge of

47

our relationship li e a life preser!er, no"ing 9ia's lo!e "ould support me if I began to dro"n, as it had many times$ My onos "as as ing me to ris the safety of the most lo!ing, intimate, and secure relationship I had e!er no"n$ @e "as suggesting that I let go of the "oman "ho "as utterly de!oted to me, a "oman "hom I ne" "as not only irreplaceable, but uni&ue in the depth of her heart's e#pression$ The "oman I lo!ed "ithout doubt$ =Bou don't ha!e to lea!e her,= My onos said$ =Bou should do "hate!er feels right in your deepest heart$ Ceel deep as consciousness, open as "ater, no", and feel ho" to li!e "ith a "ide3open heart$ Ceel ho" to li!e as lo!e "ithout bondage$ 6isten to your heart through your fear, and be "illing to ta e the ne#t step "ithout the slightest idea of "hat "ill happen "hen you do$ 6i!e true to your deepest integrity of lo!e, offering your entire life as lo!e, opening moment by moment, "ithout protecting your heart in traps of safety$ This freedom is the ultimate discipline, my friend$= As he stood up, My onos loo ed at me "ith a big smile$ =And if some people can't deal "ith it, fuc 'em$= I "ent home and tal ed "ith 9ia about the con!ersation I had "ith My onos$ (he agreed entirely "ith "hat My onos had said, "hich surprised me at first, but then seemed ob!ious and ine!itable$ Cor a "ee , "e tal ed about letting go of our relationship and perhaps finding other partners$ 8e often cried, day and night$ 8e lo!ed each other deep and thic , and yet "e both felt a basic pattern in our relationship "as genuinely shifting$ In some "ays, in the center of our hearts, nothing "ould change because our lo!e couldn't change$ 8e felt our lo!e to be unassailable, and also felt it "as time to trust lo!e and mo!e on in open3hearted disco!ery$ Neither of us ne" "hat that "ould entail$

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6 SHE COMES IN TWO

A fe" nights later, "e gathered "ith My onos again in my li!ing room$ 8e "ere na ed$ Ielda "as dancing to the music of Carlos (antana$ My onos s&uinted his eyes slightly$ =Bou might be able to ma e it, you hairy fuc er,= he said, si:ing me up, loo ing up and do"n my body as I sat on the couch across from him$ =It all depends on "hether you can sing '@appy )irthday$'= ='@appy )irthday<'= I "ondered, still sad in my heart, trying to let go of 9ia$ =Bes,= My onos continued$ =Can you see e!eryone, meet e!eryone, feel e!eryone, as if you "ere singing '@appy )irthday' to them<= I smiled, thin ing of singing =@appy )irthday= to e!eryone I met$ Hust then, Ielda danced her "ay to"ard me, sha ing her body, s"eat glistening$ (he came right up to me and thrust her hips in my face$ My onos laughed$ I loo ed up into Ielda's eyes, opened my mouth, and belted out a full3throated rendition of =@appy )irthday$= (he lit up$ Besss,= My onos hissed$ =To lo!e e!eryone is the only "ay to li!e$ 9i!e e!eryone your lo!e as if you "ere singing '@appy )irthday' to them, you no" "hat I mean< 8hy "ould you "ant to li!e any other "ay< @mmm<= Ielda came closer until her crotch "as inches from my nose$ I loo ed up into her shining eyes$ My =@appy )irthday= song seemed to gi!e her e!en more energy$ (he lic ed her lips, smiled, and lo"ered herself so she could hump my thigh, laughing$ =Bou might be able to ma e it,= My onos said to me, =if you could only lo!e "ithout fear, my friend$= My onos "as right$ I "as afraid$ 9ia "as in the other room$ I "as "ondering "hat "ould happen if she sa" me "ith Ielda$ =1o you trust lo!e, or not<= My onos as ed$ =Are you "illing to lo!e completely and follo" lo!e "here!er it ta es you< Or does your pec er get in the "ay< Bou no" "hat I mean<= Ielda began issing my nec as she rubbed her crotch against my leg$ I could feel the smooth "armth of her inner thighs and the moist trail of her desire$ I smelled her, felt her, sa" her, and I "as afraid$ =@appy birthday, my friendF= My onos laughed as he sang to me, rela#ing my heart more open$ =(he's dancing for you$ 1o you li e it<= =Bes$=

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=Of course you do$ (he's a fine lady$ (he's ali!e and she,s dancin$ for you. (he's all around you$ @mmm<= I loo ed o!er at My onos and our eyes met$ (uddenly, the scene faded, as if the colors and sound of a mo!ie spread to "hite, My onos's dar eyes holding deep in the center$ @is still ga:e reached into my heart and too my core to feel$ Ielda "as grinding on my thigh and the music played, but shapes "ere barely noticed$ A silent, motionless certainty of lo!e "elled up from my heart and saturated all full >oy$ 8armth spread into my belly, groin, and legs$ My genitals felt full$ My onos nodded !ery slightly, the "hite faded to color, and noticing began again$ Ielda laughed$ My onos turned to 6ayla, sitting on the couch ne#t to him$ =I feel it in my genitals, don't you 6ayla<= 6ayla smiled and loo ed do"n to"ard her feet$ My onos put his hand on her thigh$ 6ayla put her hand on top of his, and she loo ed at My onos fetchingly$ =Mm3hmmF Hust as I thought$ My little por ie pie here is feeling a bit aroused. 6ayla, "hy don't you get up and dance for us<= 6ayla "as slo" to mo!e$ =(ho" me, maF= My onos shouted and smiled$ =(ho" me "here you are really atF= 6ayla >umped up and began dancing alone$ Then she too Ielda's hand, pulling her up off my leg to dance together$ I could hear people in other parts of the house tal ing and laughing$ My onos and I sat on our couches, "atching 6ayla and Ielda dance$ Their breasts and bellies pressed together as they issed and "hispered$ 6aughing "ildly, they released each other's grasp and spun around li e "hirling der!ishes, their bro"n hair flying$ I couldn't tell if they "ere dancing for us or if they didn't e!en notice our e#istence$ =There are al"ays t"o,= said My onos matter3of3factly$ =8here!er "omen come together, there are al"ays t"o$ 8omen come in pairs$ 1o you no" "hat I mean<= I didn't really no" "hat My onos meant, so I didn't ans"er$ =8hen you die, my friend, loo straight ahead$ 1o not loo to the left,= My onos said, loo ing at 6ayla, =or to the right,= he continued, nodding his head to"ard Ielda$ =1o not be distracted, or you "ill be suc ed right bac to a place li e this,= he said, loo 3 ing around the room$

50

=Bour body gro"s older$ One day, "hen you get to be around my age,= My onos said "ith a half3smile, =you'll loo in the mirror and see an old man$ The body ages, but you still feel young inside$ Bour mind, it stays around 2* years old or so$ Bou're still loo ing at "omen li e a teenager, but your body isn't the same body$ Bou no" "hat I mean<= =Bes$= =Bou're loo ing at all the fine ladies li e "e ha!e here,= nodding to"ard -elda and 6ayla, dancing na edly, =but your body is getting ready to die$ And "hen you die, the body drops off, and something li e your mind continues$ (o e!en after you die, you ha!e a ind of fascination "ith se#, >ust li e you do no", >ust li e old men do$ %!en though their body is old, they still thin li e they are young men, they still thin about "omen$ And so, after you die, you get suc ed right bac to a place li e this, a se# place, because that is "hat is on your mind$= My onos remained silent for a fe" minutes, as "e "atched the t"o "omen dance$ Then, My onos turned to me, leaned for"ard, and ga:ed deeply into my eyes$ =And so, ne!er loo to the left or right$ 8hen you die, go straight into the light in the center$ 1on't be distracted by one side or the other$= Hust then, 6ayla sat on the couch ne#t to My onos, pressed her breasts against his arm, and "hispered something into his hear$ My onos turned to"ard her$ 0ayla smiled and said, =Bou're turning to the left$ I got you$= My onos smiled$ Then he pulled bac his lips, inhaling "ith a hiss through his e#posed front teeth as he turned bac to"ard me$ =Besss$ And so I am here, "ith you people$ My teacher has sho"n me many times "hat happens "hen you get lost in the lady, and here I am$ 8hat can I say<= 6ayla continued to press against My onos's arm "hile Ielda sat do"n to his other side$ =It's not that bad, is it<= Ielda as ed, nibbling My onos's nec and laughing$ =Al"ays t"o, my friend,= My onos said loo ing at me, more sheepish than I had e!er seen him$ =(he al"ays comes in t"o$= And "ith that said, he stood up and "al ed off to"ard the bathroom, lea!ing me "ith the t"o ladies$ I didn't no" "hat to do$ T"o na ed "omen, &uite beautiful, and !ery se#y$ I loo ed at one, then the other, and imagined that I "as dead$ 6oo ing to the left and the right$ 1istracted by ladies$ )y t"o$ )y their promise$ Of "hat<

51

They started chatting "ith one another as I loo ed at them$ I tried to feel "hat I "anted, why I "anted them$ I "anted to touch them, to ta e them, to merge "ith them$ I "anted to lose myself in their beauty, their fragrance, their light$ I "anted to open "ith them and feel them open$ To be one "ith them$ Cold "ater poured do"n my bac $ =ChristF= I shouted, >umping up$ I turned to see Paco standing behind me, holding a glass of ice "ater$ =(orry, man$ It's dripping$ Hust thought you might "ant some "ater$= I too the "ater and dran it$ I "as !ery thirsty$ It "as a hot night$ My onos "al ed bac into the room$ =8hat do you thin Paco< 8ould you gi!e up "omen for unchanging, perfect bliss< 8ould you gi!e up e!erything to be consciousness only< Are you "illing to gi!e it all up, everythin$+ Or do you prefer ladies to nothing at all<= =I definitely prefer ladies, My onos,= Paco said &uite seriously$ =Besss$ And so it goes$ @ere "e are, in this roo%, in this place, again and again, "ith our strong preference for so%ethin$. Cor the left or the right$ (ometimes the left and the right$= My onos loo ed o!er at Ielda and 6ayla "ho "ere no" on the couch$ =This is about as lo" as you can get, and still a"a en as consciousness$ There are more sublime places, but this is about as dar and dense as the 9reat One can incarnate and still possibly a"a en as Itself$ 8e need more beer$ Is there any more beer here<= =I'll go chec ,= I said, and "al ed to the itchen$ 9ia "as in the itchen, neeling on the floor in front of na ed 6emuel, my best friend$ My gut immediately tightened and sic ened$ 9ia and I ne" "e "ould be testing our limits "ith My onos, but the sight of her "ith another man shoc ed me$ I breathed deeply in and out of my belly, as My onos had taught me$ I felt 9ia and 6emuel$ I felt the "hole itchen$ I practiced to feel the "hole scene "ithout pulling a"ay, "ithout creasing my gut in loathing$ As I practiced breathing and opening, I remembered the first time I met My onos's teacher$ I "as "ith a group of people, and "e "ere all sitting in front of him$ @e "ould loo into each of our eyes, one person at a time$ 8hen he loo ed into my eyes, I immediately "anted to ill him$ Disions of stabbing him, cutting him open, dismembering him, and e!iscerating him continued to arise as I ga:ed into his eyes$

52

@is face did not mo!e$ @e sat, "ide open, staring into my eyes$ After many minutes these horrific !isions passed$ @e loo ed into my eyes as if he "as I$ There "as no sense of another person loo ing into my eyes, only lo!e lo!ing lo!e$ I rela#ed completely$ My entire being opened, li e a !ast sheet that had seemed fore!er crin led, finally rela#ing "ide, as it al"ays had been in truth, lo!e "ithout a crease$ @e "as this lo!e$ I "as this lo!e$ All things, e!eryone, appeared as transparent forms in this one ocean of lo!e$ I felt I "as enlightened$ And instantly his face grimaced in pain$ @is body remained perfectly motionless, but his face contorted in an agoni:ed sco"l, "hich I felt in my heart$ I had creased the sheet of lo!e, and he felt it acutely$ I was the creasing in the sheet, proud of my reali:ation, curling bac on myself, smugly, to no" my o"n achie!ement$ 8ere it not for the pained sco"l on his face, I "ouldn't ha!e noticed that I "as folding lo!e in needful tension, pinching infinity's heart, creasing openness to ma e an e!ent of noticing myself$ I "ouldn't ha!e felt the suffering I created by needing to feel myself feeling myself, reflecti!ely no"ing my o"n achie!ement$ )ut his face so !isibly reflected my curled selfing that I could easily notice it, feel "hat I "as doing, and rela# open$ I "as in a"e of this magnificently !ulnerable man$ @e seemed perfectly open and at ease, and yet more sensiti!e to my heart's response than I "as$ As I opened again "ithout needing to feel the e!ent of accomplishment, his face rela#ed$ @is ga:e "as lo!e "ithout the slightest separation$ I felt ali!e as lo!e, as his lo!e, as openness "ithout end$ %!erything "as the li!ing openness of lo!e$ I felt that finally I had achie!ed spiritual reali:ation$ I couldn't "ait to tell 9ia$ And again his face contorted in pain$ This "ent on for about 20 minutes of e#cruciating precision$ I "ould rela# open as lo!e "ithout difference, ali!e as the unbro en body of reality, and he "as that lo!e$ Then, I "ould try to claim achie!ement, curling bac onto myself to notice that I had opened, and he "ould sco"l, his heart seemingly crushed by my self3curl$ @e "as more susceptible to my most intimate doings than I "asF I remembered his !ulnerability as I stood in the itchen, "atching 6emuel and 9ia together, creasing my heart, closing the openness of lo!e$ %!en as I practiced to rela# my belly and breathe deeply, my heart continued to contract in reaction to 9ia and another man$ My mind rushed$ @adn't I been special to her, someho"< 1idn't she lo!e me in a "ay she didn't lo!e other men< @o" could she en>oy herself "ith 6emuel< @e hasn't gone through the ups and do"ns, the special moments as "ell as the hellish times, that 9ia and I had been through o!er the years$

53

=8hat do "e ha!e here<= My onos bello"ed as he "al ed into the itchen$ =I see you are distracted by the left and the right, hmmm< 6et me tell you a little secret, my friend$ This is merely a !ision, you no"< Bour best friend and 9ia3en>oying herself i%%ensely, I might add$ And "hy not< 8ould you "ant to limit her pleasure, her lo!e< 1o you thin she should only lo!e your hairy ass< 1o you feel,= My onos paused, loo ing to the side, smiling, loo ing bac at me, and grinning "idely, =do you feel betrayed+1 I did feel betrayed$ )y 9ia$ )y 6emuel$ )y My onos$ )y e!erything$ I "as ready to lea!e$ I "anted my life bac the "ay it used to be$ My onos ept loo ing into my eyes, and I felt his teacher's infinite heart filling me$ 6i e a balloon, I felt a force of fullness opening through me, rela#ing my clench, uncreasing my need to no" I "as special, or e!en separate$ 8ithout brea ing eye con3 tact, My onos made a !ery tiny gesture of his head to"ard 9ia and 6emuel$ I loo ed and sa" 9ia crying$ 6emuel "as loo ing straight into my eyes "ith real lo!e$ All tension fell a"ay$ Our bodies felt s"elled by lo!e$ %!erything3the "alls, the floor, e!en the air3felt li e a shimmering open of thic "ater, s"elling open as lo!e ali!e$ =Besss,= My onos said &uietly$ =This !ision, this roo%, comes and goes$ Bou either open as lo!e, or you close and suffer$ %!ery thing "ill betray you$ Bour "oman and friends "ill betray you$ Bour o"n body "ill betray you$ Bour entire life as you no" it "ill one day disappear$ Are you opening or closing< That is the only &uestion no matter "hat appears$ This is nothing,= My onos said "hile mo!ing his head in the direction of 9ia and 6emuel$ =It gets a lot "orse than this$ A lot "orse$ Could you open no" if a battalion "ere s e"ering your body "ith bayonets< If babies' heads "ere being crushed under the enemy's feet<= My onos stopped tal ing and the room "as &uiet$ (uddenly, it "as as if "e "ere under "ater$ A pressure came upon us, pressing do"n through our heads, do"n through our hearts$ A bliss pressed into us, and "e all felt it$ 9ia made a soft moan$ I couldn't help but open deeper$ =Besss$ Bou can feel it pressing do"n on your beater$ ?eep opening and ta e it deep$ Ta e it into you li e a "oman ta es her lo!er$ Bou can be afraid, or you can open and find out "hat happens "hen you ta e it so deep you are lo!ed to death$= I no longer felt the sharp sense of betrayal that had pre!iously clenched my gut$ The thic "ater pressed gently do"n into our hearts, into our "hole bodies, opening us, li!ing us, li!ing the entire roo% open$

54

=Bou lo!e 6emuel, as a friend, don't you<= My onos as ed 9ia$ =Bes$= =Bou no" he thin s his pec er is small$= =8ell $$$=9ia began$ =Besss,= My onos cut in$ =There is only bliss, but 6emuel is afraid his pec er is too small$ 6oo at that little thing$= 8e all loo ed at 6emuel's penis$ The sense of being under"ater "as o!er"helmingly pleasurable, and 6emuel loo ed do"n at himself, smiling$ =Bou don't need a dic to open a "oman to 9od, 6emuel,= My onos said$ =Bou >ust ha!e to open yourself to 9od$ Bou'!e got to open deep yourself, 6emuel, and then you can open your "oman deep$ Bou no" "hat I mean<= 6emuel loo ed up at My onos$ =No$ Bou don't,= My onos laughed$ =Bou're a beautiful man, 6emuel$ Bou'!e got face$= 8e all loo ed at 6emuel's face$ @e "as beautiful$ =9ia, isn't 6emuel a good loo ing man<= =Bes, he is$ @e's !ery handsome$= =Bou can feel him afraid, and you "ant to suc his dic , right< Bou feel compassion for him$= =I no" I can help him open$= =%#actly,= My onos said, turning to me$ =9ia "ants to open a man's heart$= (aturated through by the thic "ater, hea!y "ith bliss, ballooned out smooth and open, my need to feel special felt thin$ (e# "as lo!e bet"een bodies$ I smiled$ =Hust "hat I thought,= said My onos$ =Bou might >ust ma e it$ )ut you'!e got to let go of this se# thing, you no"< It's >ust se#$ It can be sublime "hen done as lo!e $$$= =%!ery moment is se#, sublimed as lo!e,= I said "ithout thin ing$ =8o"F= My onos feigned shoc $ =Bes, indeed$ %!ery moment is se#$ If you "ant to ma e a big deal about "hose genitals you try to o"n, that's your business$ )ut you can feel lo!e, openness, no", can't you< Pressing into you< Opening as you<= =Bes,= I ans"ered$ =6et it open you all the "ay$ Hust rela# open as the "eight of "ater presses do"n on your beater$ Open your head li e a cup, recei!e it do"n through you, breathe it open, and be li!ed by the 9reat One$ )e li!ed by the lo!e pressing do"n into you$ )e li!ed as lo!e's force$ @elp e!eryone to open and be li!ed as lo!e$ @elp 9ia and 6emuel li!e as

55

lo!e$ That's "hat "e are here for$ Open as lo!e, and this place dissol!es as lo!e$ Other"ise, this place is a ind of hell, and you feel betrayed, by your "oman, by your little pec er,= My onos loo ed at 6emuel's crotch, =by e!erything$= Ielda and 6ayla "al ed into the room$ =8hat's going on<= 6ayla as ed$ =8e are contemplating 6emuel's pec er,= My onos ans"ered$ Ielda "al ed o!er to 6emuel and too him in her hand$ (he e#amined his penis, loo ed up, and said, =@e seems fine to meF= 9ia and Ielda got on their nees before 6emuel, and My onos motioned me to follo" him into the other room$ Paco "as standing in front of the stereo, reading !arious C1 co!ers$ =Bou see,= My onos said, loo ing at Paco, ="e are all paying attention to something$ )ut "hat is before attention<= My onos pic ed up a pillo" and tossed it so it bon ed Paco on the head$ =8hat the fuc <= Paco turned to"ard us$ =@a!e you become an old man, Paco<= My onos as ed$ =8hat do you mean<= =I mean, ha!e you settled in+1 =I don't no" "hat you are tal ing about$= =Paco, my friend, "hat are you doing "ith your life<= =I don't no"$= =I "ish you didn't$ )ut you do no", Paco$ 8hat is the purpose of your life, such as it is<= =To gro", I guess$= =Bou guess< That, my friend, is your problem$ Bou are li e an old man, loo ing for"ard to your ne#t shit$= =I don't no" "hat you're tal ing about$=

56

=Open your heart no"F= My onos yelled$ =8hat are you "aiting for< @mmm< 8hat are you doing "ith your attention that is so psychotically ri!eting<= =I'm loo ing at C1s, man$ Is that O?<= =Paco, e!erything is O?$ )ut is O? good enough for you< @a!e you become an old man<= =@ey, I'm >ust loo ing at some C1s$ I "ant to see "hat music "e ha!e here$= =Bou see,= My onos said, loo ing at Paco but tal ing to me, =it's all about attention$ Bou can be full of bliss, open as "ater "ithout end, or you can "orry about your relationship, you no"< Bou can be loo ing at C1s, and forget the !ast mystery of the 9reat One$ Bou'!e got to eep your cup open, you no"< 6et go of the need to thin 3 thin 3thin , rela# open your head, recei!e the "ater do"n into your heart, open all the "ay do"n your body until your body is this "hole place$ 6et this roo% be "hat it is$ It's 9od, you no", all of this, but if you don't open, it's >ust narro"ed attention, seemingly loc ed in a roo% of things$ One thing after another$ Right Paco<= =Beah, I suppose so$= =Nothing e!er really ma es a difference,= My onos said, turning to me$ =Bou no" that, don't you<= =Bes$= =8ell then, "hat are "e going to do "ith your friend Paco<= My onos said "hile nodding his head to"ard Paco, "ho at this point loo ed li e he "as about to thro" a fit$ =I thin he should dance "ith 6ayla$= =%#cellentF 1ancing$ 8e should all be dancing$= Paco put on some ne" music$ %!eryone came in from the itchen and "e all danced together$ =One day you "ill be pu ing your guts out, dying,= My onos said to me loudly o!er the music as "e danced$ =That moment "on't be any different from this one$= My onos danced "ith his arms up in the air$ @e sho"ed his teeth and mo!ed his hips li e a drun en street thug$ @e sung off ey to the music$ =(ha e it, maF= My onos yelled to"ard Ielda, "ho seemed to be getting tired$ =1ance for lo!eF 1ance for 9odF 1ance for fuc F=

57

I loo ed o!er at 9ia, "ho "as dancing "ith 6emuel$ I could feel the part of me that "anted her to ac no"ledge a specialness bet"een us$ =6et her goF= My onos shouted$ =6et her go and see if she comes bac $ And remember, she al"ays comes in t"oF= And at that My onos started dancing "ildly, closing his eyes and gyrating his hips li e a maniac$

58

7 LOVES WOUND
sitting in the car$

9ia and I had >ust pulled into the dri!e"ay and "ere

=I thin you should be in relationship "ith Rebecca,= she told me$ Rebecca "as an attracti!e "oman "e had recently met$ 9ia's abrupt suggestion too me abac $ Tension gripped my body3although for the pre!ious fe" days I had also thought about Rebecca as a possible partner$ =8hy Rebecca<= I as ed, feeling !ery surreal$ =I thin she can offer you the ind of energy you need,= 9ia said, her face pained but sincere$ Together, 9ia and I felt into this possibility for a fe" days, and "e tal ed about it e#tensi!ely$ Cinally, I called Rebecca on the phone and as ed if she "ould stop by for a !isit$ Rebecca and I "ere only ac&uaintancesGI assumed she "ould find my in!itation out3of3the3blue$ =I'll stop by after "or ,= she said$ 8hen she came to the house, I sat at the itchen table "ith her and told her "hy I had in!ited her o!er$ =(o, 9ia and I are going to e#periment "ith ha!ing ne" intimate partners$ 8e are about to mo!e to another city and teach for a fe" months$ 8ould you li e to come "ith us and try being my intimate partner<= This felt !ery, !ery strange to me$ I "as as ing a "oman to be my intimate partner "hile li!ing in the same house as 9ia and the other people "ho help teach "ith us$ To my surprise, Rebecca told me she had dreamt about this a fe" nights earlier$ =8ill I ha!e to ha!e se# "ith you<= she as ed$ =No$ Maybe$ I don't no"$ This "hole thing is ne" to me$ I really don't no" ho" it "ill turn out$ If se# feels li e the right thing, "e'll do it$ If not, "e "on't$ It's your choice$ It's our choice$ This is un no"n territory to me$= =O?$ I'd li e to try it,= Rebecca said$ =I'll ha!e to gi!e notice at my >ob, put my stuff in storage, and rent out my house$= And that "as that$ 8e had ne!er had a one3to3one con!ersation before, and no" Rebecca "as mo!ing in$ I remembered My onos once telling me about the different inds of relationships$

59

=8e are bound to ob>ects,= My onos said "hile "e "ere in a small sushi restaurant eating lunch$ 8hile che"ing, he motioned "ith his head to"ard a table nearby$ T"o men and t"o "omen sat at the table, nibbling at their food and tal ing$ The men both had long hair and earrings, and one of the men had tattoos on his arm$ The "omen "ere tanned and athletic loo ing$ =Those boys are lost& My onos said$ =6ost in "omen$= My onos ate another piece of sushi and "ashed it do"n "ith a F sip of green tea$ A fe" pieces of rice remained on his lo"er lip, but ' he didn't seem to notice$ =My onos, you ha!e some rice on your lip$= @e "iped his mouth "ith a nap in and ate some more sushi, lea!ing more rice on his lips$ I didn't bother to tell him$ =Those "omen ha!e one thing on their mind$ 6oo at them all prettied up$ They spend hours preparing themsel!es for men e!ery day$ 8ithout a man's adoration, they feel "orthless$= My onos used his chopstic s to pic up a piece of tempura, "hich fell bac to the plate >ust before he got it in his mouth$ @e pic ed it up "ith his fingers and ate it$ =And loo at those t"o boys,= My onos said, although the =boys= "ere probably in their early 7+'s$ =All shiny and smiley$ Chatting li e "omen$= My onos suddenly loo ed at me and said, =Bou no" "hat I mean, don't you< There's nothing "rong "ith "omen $$$= My onos lo!ed "omen3truly appreciated "omen3more than any man I had e!er met$ @e didn't need to add his cautious comments, but he seemed to feel it necessary$ =I no" "hat you mean, My onos$= =Those men don't no" their death, that's "hat I mean$ 8omen are life, you no"< )ut "hen a man gets lost in life "ithout no"ing his death, then he is no longer a man$ Bou no" "hat I mean<= =Bes$= =6oo at those t"o sorry fuc ers$ Carrying on li e fish in a tan , proud of their little pebbles and sea"eed, puffing out their gills$ They ha!en't the slightest fuc ing idea ho" tiny their "orld is, ho" they are dependent on a million things that could go "rong and they "ould be dead, >ust li e that$ All some id has to do is noc o!er the tan , you no"< Mean"hile, they are staring at some tits, hoping for some pussy, chatting li e

60

they cared about the con!ersation$ They can't "ait to go home, >er off, maybe "atch a little TD$= I loo ed o!er at the table$ The four of them "ere laughing and tal ing$ =They're singles, and all of them are hoping to get laid$ Maybe settle do"n in a good relationship$ @a!e some ids$ Of course, there's nothing "rong "ith any of that,= My onos said "ith a smile, and I remembered that he had a daughter in college$ =)ut it's ne!er enough$ Those guys "ill be loo ing at their girlie maga:ines, or maybe ha!e a mistress$ Those "omen "ill long for their man to lo!e them more$ Maybe they'll ha!e an affair, or maybe they'll >ust eat and buy dresses$ %!entually, they'll resign themsel!es to a tolerable arrangement, or get di!orced and start again$ It doesn't really matter$ If you are bound to ob>ects3e!en people you truly lo!e3then you suffer, because they can't deli!er "hat you "ant from them$= =My onos, you'!e been married for t"enty years$= =Besss,= My onos said, hissing through his teeth, =yes I ha!e$ )ut because of my teacher, I'!e also gotten to no" the laughing mama$ Bou no", the big lady "ho doesn't gi!e a shit about any of my ob>ections$ (he shot me up in Dietnam, she laughs as my body ages, she'll be laughing "hen I die$ I'm also married to my "ife3but that's a "hole 'nuther thing$ In truth, my "ife and I are each married to the 9reat One$ 8e don't e#pect our personal relationship "ith each other to ma e us happy3"e don't e#pect anythin$ to ma e us happy$ Bou are either open3"hich is happiness itself3or you are closing do"n and suffering$ Those people o!er there,= My onos nodded to"ard the nearby table, =don't understand that life is brief and all ob>ects3and relationships3 !anish$= My onos loo ed at me as he spo e$ =Bou no", I'!e had my share of "omen$ It doesn't matter ho" old or young, ho" s"eet or mean, you are either doing the yoga, or you are not$ Bou are either opening to the 9reat One through your se#ing and tal ing and spending time together, or you are building in suffering, setting yourself up for disappointment, al"ays about to be betrayed, one "ay or the other$= My onos finished the sushi on his plate and sat bac $ =Those "omen, they're going to go home and dream of a good man$ Those boys, they're going to fantasi:e about fuc ing young "omen for the rest of their li!es$ And by the time the ladies are saggy and "rin led and the men are too old to care, it'll be too late$ They "on't ha!e the energy to open beyond their shri!eled concerns for a better life$ A day "ithout too much pain "ill be good enough$ And "hen they start dying, they'll be horrified$ All the relationships in the "orld "on't help them then$ It'll all >ust disappear3e!ery person, e!ery ob>ect, e!ery moment of their li!es "ill fade3and be forgotten li e a dream$=

61

One of the "omen at the table began to sho" the men a ne" tur&uoise and sil!er ring she "as "earing$ =If a man can't feel his death, then he drifts into the things of life li e he's getting lost in a mo!ie$ @e forgets "here the roo% he sees really is$ @e loses touch "ith the openness of consciousness$ 1ay after day passes, money comes and goes, "omen come and go, and so "hat< Maybe you change diapers, maybe you change the "orld$ It all disappears$ It's good to li!e fully, you no"$ )ut "hile you are li!ing3"hile you eat and fuc and do "hat you can to help others3you'!e got to understand that the laughing mama doesn't gi!e a shit and death is the ground of your life, >ust as sleep is the ground of "a ing$ At the end of a day, at the end of a life, no matter "hat you'!e done, you drift into another place$ And the laughing mama's there, too$ And so is death, the place beyond appearance$= The "aitress came, and I paid the bill$ On the "ay out of the restaurant, I loo ed bac at the four people tal ing at the table$ I imagined their li!es coming and going$ My onos spo e as "e "al ed to the car$ =It starts "ith 's' and ends "ith '#' and rhymes "ith 'se#$' Nobody is "illing to feel the bliss of the 9reat One because they are "rapped up in se#, or "ishing they "ere$ I say, better to go through it all the "ay$ If you are going to fuc , better to fuc open to 9od, lea!ing nothing$ Then, "hen you die, nothing is left undone, unopen$ No stone is unturned to 9od$ No regrets$ Bou'!e done it all, and you no" it goes no"here but "here you are right no", in the boundless no"here of the infinity of fuc , "here something is arising, but you don't no" "hat it is, do you Mr$ Hones<= My onos said "ith a poor imitation of )ob 1ylan's !oice$ =%!erything is utter chaosGali!e as lo!e but going no"here that fulfills3so you bind yourself to ob>ects, to relationships, to feel that your life means something, that you ha!e something to sho" for it, and that somebody lo!es you$= I "as going to spend a fe" months teaching "hile li!ing "ith both 9ia and Rebecca$ I didn't "ant to lose 9ia's lo!e$ I "as still holding on to her, hoping I could maybe ha!e a relationship "ith Rebecca "ithout losing 9ia$ I "as definitely =bound= to 9ia as My onos had described$ I also could feel my se#ual attraction to Rebecca$ (he "as ne", a shiny =ob>ect= for me to loo for"ard to possessing$ I felt caught by both sides of the trap that My onos tal ed about, un"illing to let go of the lo!e that 9ia and I had created together, desiring the possibilities and ne"ness "ith Rebecca, and afraid I might end up "ith nothing$ 9ia and Rebecca "ere both !ery beautiful$ I felt full and proud that I "as li!ing "ith t"o "omen$ %!en though I "as supposed to mo!e on from 9ia, "e "ere more li e a threesome, and I felt "ealthy "ith "omen$ I could also feel, as My onos suggested, that I "as using the affection and flesh that no" surrounded me to pad myself from the star free3fall of utter surrender, from the nothingness of deep, open being$

62

One night, the three of us made lo!e together$ I loo ed into 9ia's eyes$ (he "as so deep, so "ise$ I could feel her commitment to 9od, as "ell as her de!otion to me$ I felt so at ease "ith her, so at home$ I lo!ed her "ithout a trace of doubt$ And yet, my body did not respond as a man's does to a wo%an$ %!er since I began to e#perience internal o!erheating3the fe!ers, nosebleeds, and heart arrhythmias3I found 9ia's physical presence to be sometimes irritating3not emotionally, but physically$ (he didn't ha!e to say or do anything specific, simply the heat of her ga:e, the passion of her touch, and the urgency of her lo!e "as enough to chafe my ner!ous system, turning me off se#ually$ Pre!ious to my bout of =(ha ti fe!er,= as My onos called it, I lo!ed hot, spicy Thai and Me#ican food$ I en>oyed staying outside in the sun for hours$ No", I couldn't tolerate spicy food at all, and fi!e or ten minutes in the sun "as all I could handle$ 6i e"ise, 9ia's passionate demeanor, "hich I had pre!iously cherished and found e#citing, no" felt li e too much, e!en though my lo!e for her had not lessened one iota$ 6oo ing into 9ia's eyes, I felt her pain$ (he ne" I lo!ed her deeply3there "as no &uestion of that$ )ut she could also feel my body's reticence to combine "ith her energy$ On the other hand, "hen I turned to Rebecca3"hose disposition "as !ery cool, calm, and laid3bac to an e#treme3my body desired her energy greatly$ 9ia felt, and suffered, my desire for Rebecca's energy$ Particularly "hen the three of us "ere being se#ual together, 9ia felt hurt, Rebecca held bac in deference to the deep lo!e she could feel bet"een 9ia and me, and I "as li e a id in a candy shop "here all the candy bit me bac "hen I tried to ta e a taste$ 8hether My onos ne" "hat his suggestion "ould bring about or not, the situation "as fine3tuned to promise and frustrate my desire for >ust about e!ery =ob>ect= to "hich I "as bound$ The most !aluable =thing= in my life3 9ia, and the lo!e "e shared3 "as suddenly threatened$ The pattern of our comfortable bond had been ta en apart, and I doubted it "ould, or could, e!er be put bac together again$ I could lo!e her, and she could lo!e me, but our sense of =home= "as shattered3unless open lo!e itself "as our home, a lo!e "ithout e#pectation or personal o"nership$ Rebecca turned out to be e#actly "hat I desired and needed energetically$ (he "as so serene and graceful that I re!eled in her energy$ (he healed me, and turned me on$ (he inspired me$ Of course, she "as not e#perienced in practicing lo!e$ I "asn't used to being "ith a "oman "ho couldn't simply open and connect li e 9ia could so deeply, although Rebecca's cool demeanor re>u!enated me profoundly$ 9ia and I could connect our deep hearts in almost any moment, yet my body could no longer embrace her fully$ Rebecca and I could connect our bodies deeply and re!el in energetic richness, yet her heart "as reluctant to open, and she left me feeling alone$

63

I no" had t"o "omen, but found that I "as more alone than e!er$ I also found that I preferred being alone$ 1ealing "ith the multiplied emotional melee "as, for me, something a in to a nightmare$ 9ia "as e#plosi!ely >ealous that I se#ually desired Rebecca$ Rebecca "as icily en!ious of the depth of lo!e that I shared "ith 9ia$ 9i!en my o"n tendencies, I "ould rather not deal "ith any of it3a "ea ness My onos often pointed out3and here "e "ere tangled in a maelstrom of emotional and se#ual turbulence$ 6oo ing into 9ia's eyes "hile "e made lo!e, her emotional pain "as e#cruciating$ 8e both cried$ 8e held each other$ Our relationship "as o!er as "e ne" it$ And yet, our lo!e for each other "as unperturbed$ Our hearts "ere ripped open, ragged, bleeding, and ra" "ith lo!e's tragedy$ 8e telephoned My onos$ =@ello,= My onos ans"ered$ =@ello, My onos$ I'm here "ith 9ia, and $$$= =@o" is the Peepster<= =(he's not doing real "ell$ Neither of us are $$$= =Mm3hmm$ Bou'!e got your other girlfriend there as "ell<= =(he's here, but not in the room "ith us$= =And "hat roo% are you in<= My onos as ed$ I couldn't help but smile$ @ere "e "ere in some lo!e3drama3tragedy and My onos instantly e!aporated all hea!iness into spacious humor$ =@appy birthday, My onos,= I said "ith a bit of happiness$ =Besss$ @appy birthday to you, too$ No", "hat ind of mess ha!e you gotten yourself into<= My onos laughed$ =8ell, $$$= I hesitated "hile trying to summari:e the current state of affairs$ =(he is all around you, my dear,= My onos inter>ected, =and you are either able to open or you are closing do"n$ (he3the laughing mama3doesn't care one "ay or the other$ (he doesn't care if you li!e or die$ (he certainly doesn't gi!e a damn about you and the Peepster$ The pain in your heart< Ceel it$ 6o!e is a "ound, my friend, a "ound that ne!er heals$=

64

My eyes "atered as I felt the hurt in my heart "ithout closing$ My breath deepened and I loo ed at 9ia, "ho "as also crying$ 9od I lo!ed her$ =Ceel the "ound of lo!e,= My onos said$ =6earn to li!e open, "ounded, lo!ing$ Bou can't hold onto 9ia fore!er$ )e "illing to feel the "ound no", and lo!e$ If you ne!er see the Peepster again, or if you spend the rest of your life "ith her, anything less than li!ing heart3open is protecting your heart from real lo!e no", a deep lo!e that ne!er ceases, ne!er closes, ne!er "aits, e!en "hile you hurt$ 6o!e 9ia, let her go and lo!e her, eep your heart open, aching, churning in the "ound of lo!e that ne!er heals, and disco!er "hat happens$= I felt the open ra"ness of my heart's hurt$ I lo!ed 9ia$ My heart "anted to o"n her, or else to close to her and turn a"ay$ I didn't "ant to suffer the pain of letting her go and losing her "hile my heart remained open and hurt$ I breathed and practiced to stay open, feeling, lo!ing, e!en though it hurt$ Then my mind ic ed in$ I began to doubt "hat I "as doing$ I confessed my fears to My onos$ =I'm afraid I'm ma ing a big mista e, trying to let go of 9ia$= =Maybe you are, maybe you aren't$ Bou don't no", and I don't no"$ Bou can ne!er no"$ All you can do is open and act from your deepest lo!e$ 8hat does your gut say<= =My gut says $$$that it is time to mo!e on$= I couldn't belie!e I said that$ I couldn't describe "hy I felt this "ay, but it felt deeply true$ I didn't "ant it to be true, but it "as the deepest truth I could feel$ =And your heart<= =My heart lo!es 9ia more than e!er$= =9ood$ That is the best time to mo!e on$ My friend, it's time to "al the "al $ No" let me tal "ith the Peepster$= 9ia got on the phone$ (he "as "eeping and tal ing, but by the time she hung up, she "as smiling through her tears$ 8e embraced$ The front of our bodies softened and pressed into each other$ Our hearts "ere beating hard and our breath became one$ Our s in and bones melted and our bodies merged as one open lo!e$ Rebecca "al ed into the room$

65

I could feel my body and heart harden slightly$ 8hy "as I afraid to lo!e 9ia in front of Rebecca< 8hy "as I afraid to lo!e anyone at anytime< I eased bac to opening, feeling my body inside the roo% lo!ing these other bodies and also feeling open outside the roo%, opening as the deep space of consciousness$ My heart and body rela#ed$ I breathed deeply "ith 9ia and loo ed into her eyes$ The feeling of tragedy dissipated, lea!ing only a deep lo!e, "ounded to be sure, but also eternal$ 9ia and I "ere open as lo!e$ Our history together might be ending, but our memory together "as lush$ 8e released each other, and 9ia loo ed at Rebecca$ Rebecca loo ed a"ay for a moment, then loo ed bac into 9ia's eyes$ They both started crying, and 9ia "al ed to Rebecca, embracing her$ They held each other for a fe" moments, and then 9ia left the room$ Rebecca's eyes "ere "et and her face "as flushed$ I "al ed to"ard her and stood close to her$ (he seemed a little guarded$ =I don't "ant to stand bet"een you and 9ia$ I don't "ant to be the 'other' "oman,= she said$ =Bou aren't the 'other' "oman,= I ans"ered$ =Then, "hat am I<= I didn't no" &uite ho" to ans"er$ It "as all too ne"$ I "asn't sure e#actly "hat our relationship "as$ I "asn't e!en sure "hat I "anted our relationship to be$ I "as still afraid to totally let go of 9ia, and continuing as a threesome "as far too painful for e!erybodyGespecially because I "as so ambiguous$ I remembered My onos once teaching Paco and %rin ho" to go deeper than ambiguity in relationship$ %rin "as feeling hurt that Paco didn't no" "hat he truly "anted "ith her$ =Bou'!e been "ith %rin for ho" long no"<= My onos as ed Paco$ =(i# or se!en months, I guess,= Paco ans"ered$ =)ut I ne!er no" if he is going to be "ith me another day,= %rin added$ =Is he totally "ith you no"<= My onos as ed %rin$ =8ell, that's not "hat he feels li e$ I don't no" if he really "ants to be "ith me$ @e's "ishy3"ashy$ @e's dri!ing me cra:y$= =)ut I don,t no" if I "ant to be "ith you,= Paco e#plained$

66

=8ould you rather that I fa ed it and pretended that I "as certain<= My onos grimaced and sat bac in his chair$ =Paco, Paco, Paco$ 1o you ha!e a heart<= =Bes$ 8hy<= =Use it,= My onos said$ =Bou are in your head$ Bour head is filled "ith doubt$ Bour head is doubt$ Bour brain is cramped as you thin about the possibilities$ )eing "ith %rin is one possibility$ )eing "ith another "oman is also possible$ Maybe you should be alone$ Bou are "affling in doubt, hmmm<= =Beah$ I li e %rin a lot$ I lo!e her, really$ I >ust don't no" if she is right for me$ And, yeah, sometimes I thin about being "ith other "omen$ I mean, she probably thin s about being "ith other men, too$= =Bes, she probably does,= My onos replied$ =And she "ill al"ays be filled "ith conflict$ The entire "orld, including e!ery body and mind, is a realm of opposites$ Bou and %rin are filled "ith contradictions$ There is nothing singular about you$ Today you lo!e %rin, and you feel pretty certain$ Tomorro" you may meet someone else and feel pretty certain that you don't lo!e %rin$ Maybe "hat you call lo!e isn't e!en lo!e, hmmm< The mind is an idiot bo#, filled "ith possibilities, each of "hich leads you in a different direction$ Bou are reduced to "ea ness if you li!e in your mind, "hich al"ays e#presses doubt and ambiguity$= =)ut my doubt is real$ I really don't no" "hat I "ant$= =My friend, you don't no" anythingF Bou don't no" if you are going to be ali!e in ten minutes$ Bou don't no" "hat you are going to say ne#t$ Bou don't no" if I'm going to punch you or iss you, and you sure as hell don't no" if %rin is the 'right one$'= =(o "hat am I supposed to do<= =Rela# your mind, first$ Ceel open, li e you "ould feel "arm "ind blo"ing on your s in$ Ceel %rin, feel the "orld$ Ceel e!erything, and open$ Open as e!erything, as the entire roo%. Allo" e!erything to arise as it does, and feel into depth$ Ceel deeper than your thoughts$ Bour thoughts, and the rest of the "orld, arise in opposing pairs$ (he, the "orld, al"ays comes in t"o$ '(he lo!es me, she lo!es me not', you no"< And both sides are true$ Or, neither side is true$ The real truth, your heart's truth, is singular, and ob!ious$= =It's not ob!ious to me,= Paco complained$

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=)ecause you are not feeling deep enough in your heart, my friend$ If you doubt, feel deeper$ If you can't decide, feel deeper$ Ceel so deep, no thoughts mo!e$ Ceel so deep, only openness shines$ 8hen you offer your life from this place of open depth, you act "ith absolute certainty, though you still might not ha!e the slightest idea "hat you "ill do ne#t$ 8ithout "a!ering, e!ery action springs from lo!e's depth$= My onos loo ed at %rin's anguished face$ =This depth of lo!e is "hat %rin needs from you, Paco$ @er mind is filled "ith doubts, too, so she might al"ays seem confused about "hat she "ants$ (he might al"ays complain, e!en "hen you are not so ambiguous$ All you can offer her is your absolute certainty of lo!e, your depth of openness, no" and no" and no"$= =I don't no" if I lo!e her$= =Ceel deeper, then$ 6oo into her eyes, feel the deepest part of her heart, and offer her the deepest part of yours$ 1o you "ant to embrace her<= =Bes$= =1o you "ant to combine yourself "ith her se#ually<= =Bes$= =1o you "ant to ha!e children "ith her<= =No, not no", any"ay$= =1o you "ant to li!e "ith her<= =Bes$= =8ill you still "ant to li!e "ith her tomorro"<= =I don't no"$= =%NACT6BF= My onos shouted$ =Bou no" nothing but the deep certainty of lo!e, and ho" it "ants to be e#pressed in this present moment$ That is all you can e!er no"$ 6ife li!ed spontaneously from your depth of lo!e is a moment3to3moment gift$ It is your art$= My onos paused to see if Paco understood$ =My friend, "hen you li!e from your head, you are al"ays caught in dilemmas$ )ut "hen you li!e from your deep heart, life is singular because lo!e is singular$ %rin can feel your depth of heart, and trust you, day by day, as you offer your deepest truth to her$ )ut "hen you are coming from the

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contradictions that fill your head, "hy should she trust you< (he'd do better to chop your head offF= =(ometimes I feel li e chopping his head off,= %rin admitted "ith a smile$ =Of course you do, ma$ Unless Pace's mind is open li e the s y, it's a bo# of complications, obstructing his lo!e$ 8hy not chop the damn thing off< Paco "ould be better off for itF= =Beah, I guess I "ould,= Paco smiled$ =(o, at depth, are you certain of your lo!e for this "oman, Paco<= =Bes, My onos$ I understand "hat you are saying$ I can feel deeper than my doubt, but then I doubt that I "ill al"ays be able to do itF= =It's a moment3to3moment thing, Paco$ 1o it no"$ And no"$ It's a practice that gro"s o!er time, but the lo!e itself, the openness itself, is deeper than time$ Bour mind and body are al"ays struggling "ith contradictory thoughts and impulses$ Ceel deeper, open deep as lo!e's certainty, and surrender your body and mind to be li!ed as lo!e's depth, "ith %rin and e!erybody else$ %rin, is there anything else you "ould "ant from Paco<= =No$ Of course not$= =Then that is it,= My onos said$ =)e li!ed as lo!e, or be an asshole, Paco$= Remembering My onos's suggestions to Paco, I loo ed into Rebecca's eyes$ Clearly, she felt my ambiguity$ Part of me "ouldn't let go of 9ia$ Part of me doubted that Rebecca3or any "oman3could e!er ta e 9ia's place in my life$ Part of me "as afraid of hurting 9ia$ And part of me doubted that I "as doing the right thing$ 8as I about to ruin Rebecca's life< 8as I a!oiding a deeper possible lo!e "ith 9ia by bringing Rebecca into the picture< As I felt deeper than all of these thoughts and doubts in my mind, a certainty rose from my heart; it "as time to change my relationship "ith 9ia and begin one "ith Rebecca$ If I thought about it, though, then doubts "ould clench me and indecision "ould free:e me$ )ut feeling deeper than thought, feeling into my deep heart, I "as certain$ I couldn't e#plain it, to myself or to anyone else, but I "as certain that lo!e "as mo!ing me to change relationships$ I didn't no" ho" it "ould turn out, and parts of me "ere still afraid, but, deep do"n, there "as no doubt$ As soon as I felt the certainty deep in my heart, Rebecca shifted her posture$ (he stood taller and breathed more deeply$ @er guardedness !anished$

69

=I lo!e you,= she said to me$ I felt Rebecca's heart open "ide$ My mind began comparing her "ith 9ia$ Is she as "ise as 9ia< 1oes she lo!e me as much as 9ia< I could see my mind's doubt reflected in Rebecca's eyes and body$ 8hen I doubted, Rebecca guarded her heart$ 8hen I felt deeper than doubt, "hen I opened my deepest heart and offered lo!e's certainty to Rebecca, she opened, too$ @er openness "as my openness$ There "as no difference$ =All "omen are she& My onos once told me$ =Treat each "oman as the 9oddess, because she is$ 8omen are built to re!eal openness3they are nature's mechanism of surrender3and they "ait for a man they could trust "ith their utterly surrendered heart$ Ce" "omen e!er meet such a man, so most "omen suffer terribly, longing their entire li!es$= I remembered My onos's "ords as I felt Rebecca responding to my depth or to my doubt, instantaneously$ @er body "as an e#&uisite reflection of ho" deeply open I "as, moment by moment$ @er rela#ation, the loo on her face, and the openness in her eyes "ere based on my depth$ (he "as "aiting, and as soon as I opened deeply and offered lo!e's certainty, she surrendered open deeply3and her body opened to mine$ Opening as lo!e "ith 9ia, "e shared unchec ed affection, "e shared our spiritual practice, "e combined our talents to ser!e others$ 9ia and I shared subtle delights and life3changing insights "ith e#traordinary ease$ 8e could tal about anything3or simply e#change a glance or a touch3and understand each other in "ays nobody else did$ Opening as lo!e "ith Rebecca, our bodies "ere dra"n together in se#ual merger$

70

8 BEING CLAIMED
me one day$

=I can feel My onos "hen "e ma e lo!e,= Rebecca told

I "as instantly offended$ I "anted some credit for myself$ After a fe" months of our lo!ema ing, Rebecca "as opening to 9od through se#, and her life had changed profoundly$ @er heart "as able to feel "hat she called an =indescribable bliss= of =infinite being= for se!eral days after "e had been together$ I had >ust spent time "ith My onos, and he had gi!en me more instruction on se#ual yoga$ (o I thought that's "hat she might be feeling$ =Maybe it's not My onos,= Rebecca said, =but I can feel a certain energy "hen "e ma e lo!e that feels ho" I imagine My onos$= (he had ne!er met My onos$ I had told her many stories of my time "ith My onos, but ho" could she no" "hat he felt li e< I "anted to claim my pro"ess as a di!ine lo!er, and no" My onos "as stealing my thunder$ One time, My onos and I "ere sitting in a small room in a house he once shared "ith his teacher, "hich My onos "as careta ing$ The energy of his teacher "as tangible to me, li e an unseen light pressing s"eetly into my s in, pushing gently on my heart$ %!erything loo ed a little brighter, and the air seemed ali!e$ =)reathe it in,= My onos told me$ =Rela# your body, open your heart, and breathe the force do"n your front$= My onos had prepared me for this by teaching me ho" to breathe and stay open "hile !ery drun , "hile e#hausted in the middle of the night, "hile out in the cold ocean "a!es, and "hile ma ing lo!e$ Compared to those circumstances, breathing his teacher's energy no" felt easy and delicious, li e drin ing sil y, radiant nectar$ =(often your head and recei!e the energy do"n into your body$ Rela# your >a" and open your throat$ ?eep your mouth closed "ith your tongue pressed lightly against the roof of your mouth$ )reathe the force do"n into you$ Open to it li e a "oman opens to her lo!er$ 6et it press open your heart and into your belly$ )reathe it do"n into your genitals$ And "hen your belly O and coc are full, let it rise up your spine as the light abo!e$ Then breathe it bac do"n again$= My onos had taught me this practice many times before, but no" something felt different$ I "as no longer breathing$ The force "as breathing me$ I "as being breathed$ And the same li!ing force that "as breathing me "as breathing e!erything$ The same light that appeared as the house and landscape around us, the same energy that !ibrated as sound and mo!ed as thought, mo!ed and breathed as me, as e!erything$ The furniture, the room, the la"n outside, My onos, the air around us3e!erything altogether felt ali!e as the body of 9od$

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=Besss$ To be a de!otee of 9od means to be li!ed by the 9reat One$ (ome people are afraid to let go and be li!ed by the 9reat One$ They are afraid of trusting the force of lo!e$ They are afraid of being possessed beyond their control$ )ut they are already pos3 sessed, by their o"n ego, their o"n habits and patterns of fear$ 8hy not allo" yourself to be li!ed by lo!e< @mmm< 8hy not totally surrender to be li!ed by the 9reat One, the One ali!e as all, the One "ho appears e!en as this roo%+,& I let go and felt myself li!ed$ All o"nership and separation dissol!ed, and a"a eness and light li!ed "ide in the place of this moment$ Bet, nothing made a difference$ The light and force "as intensely pleasurable, li e the most perfect se# imaginable, pouring pleasure and lo!e through my entire bodyGpouring through the entire "orld, "hich felt ali!e as my body$ And it "as all 9od$ All infinite, magical, and yet totally empty, as if perfect se# and absolute indifference coincided$ The pleasure of lo!e's light "as instantaneously absorbed in the depth of lo!e's space, the nothingness of consciousness$ A cosmic orgasm of bright infinity instantly e!aporated in an e!en greater openness of being that ne!er changed$ 6o!e shone, and light dissol!ed in lo!e$ This "as ob!iously al"ays$ Cully blissful, already gone, open as 9od's unchanging deep, ali!e as all$ My onos "as ma ing occasional moaning sounds$ I opened my eyes to loo at him, and sa" that he "as trans3 figured in bliss, his croo ed face "arped in a spire of indescribable >oy$ @is eyes "ere closed, so I closed mine$ =1o you see the light abo!e<= he as ed me$ =Bes,= I ans"ered$ =)reathe it do"n into your body$ 1o"n into your genitals$= I breathed the li&uid light of lo!e from infinite high do"n through a hollo"ness opening through my head and heart and belly and genitals$ My "hole body felt lit up and "ide open, full and tumescent "ith lo!e's force$ My toes and fingers "ere splayed by the force of openness$ =8hen you fuc your lady, gi!e her this,= My onos said, =but don't forget the 9reat One "ho is li!ing you$ And al"ays remember, my friend,= I opened my eyes to see My onos raising his hands as he spo e, =this place is such that she confers happiness by her o"n e#tinction$ @er real nature is not percei!ed or no"n "hile she li!es, but "hen she is embraced for the sa e of the truth of her, she dies$= My onos bo"ed slightly, e#treme de!otion shining through his face$ =8hat do you feel "hen "e ma e lo!e,= I as ed Rebecca, still stinging from her comment about feeling My onos "hen "e had se#$

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(he smiled li e I "as an idiot for as ing$ =Can you put it into "ords<= I "ondered$ =No$ I "ouldn't "ant to$= =Could you try, for me<= =8ords can't touch it,= she said$ And then, "ith certainty, =It is death$ Nothing$ %!erything$ Infinity$ 9od$ %!erything disappears, and it is so full$ Bou ill me into 9od "ith your fuc $ )ut it is not you as a person, really$= =8hat do you mean<= =8ell,= she said, hesitantly, =I don't really e!en like you$ I lo!e you, though$ Bou ha!e opened me in "ays I couldn't dream of$ )ut as a person, I don't really li e you that much$ )ut I lo!e your fuc $ I lo!e your coc $ )ut, your coc is not you$= 8e remained silent for a fe" moments "hile I felt into "hat she "as saying$ Rebecca closed her eyes and seemed to go in"ard$ (he smiled, and "ith eyes closed she began spea ing &uietly$ =I am a sla!e to your coc , so perfect, !ulnerable, and singular in mission$ I am desperate for your lo!e, penetration, and command$ I long to be yours, surrendered to you, combined "ith you and completely claimed by your fuc $= Tears began to gro" from the corners of her closed eyes$ =Bour gentle isses and tender beatings "hich ha!e left me blissfully "eeping are e!er in my heart$ My body, my cunt, my heart shutter at the thought of your s"eetness ha!ing me, embracing me, sei:ing me $$$ fore!erF I "ill al"ays be your most "illing and grateful prisoner, longing for your gift and dissol!ed by its besto"al$ I lo!e you$= I couldn't belie!e she "as tal ing this "ay$ Usually, Rebecca "as closer to a mute than a poet$ No", her song of "ords thrilled my heart$ (he opened her eyes and loo ed into mine$ @er eyes endlessly deep, her heart open "ithout limits$ I let go and fell into her, opening "ith her, going open as unbound lo!e ali!e as all$ And then I reali:ed$ (he "asn't tal ing to meF (he "as tal ing to the 9reat One "ho "as fuc ing her$ (he "as tal ing to the force of lo!e that fuc ed open the entirety of e!ery momentG intensely during se#G the lo!e that li!ed as us, the lo!e that all died as$ 6oo ing into Rebecca's eyes, opening "ith her, I allo"ed myself to be li!ed by "hat "as al"ays ali!e as all$ 8e "ere blissfully gone in the li!ing force of lo!e that had been made ob!ious in the house of My onos's teacher$

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Rebecca smiled, and her sobbing became laughter$ Once again, my claiming had been defeated open as lo!e$ I had achie!ed nothing$ There "as only 9od, and the less I needed to no" of my o"n !ictory, the more lo!e could sho" plain$ Plain lo!e$ Rebecca and I had no history together$ 8e had se# and 9od, and that "as it$ (he didn't e!en li e me$

74

My onos, Michelle, and I "ere sitting in chairs on a screened3in porch, en>oying the afternoon$ Michelle and 1imitri had ended their relationship, and Michelle had come o!er to hang out$ =8heatson "as a poet,= My onos said, referring to a soldier he ne" "ho died in Dietnam$ =@e "as a great man, capable of con!erting the most hellish circumstances into poetry$= My onos too a sip from his beer and continued spea ing$ =One day "e "ere "al ing through the >ungle$ 8e came upon t"o airmenG American pilotsGhanging in the trees$ They had been tortured, castrated, and their genitals had been sho!ed in their mouths$= I could hardly imagine such horror$ (itting "ith My onos ha!ing a beer, listening to the birds singing outside, the sun shiningGlife seemed so beautiful$ =It "as a psychological "ar$ They ne" ho" to spoo us$ These airmen "ere displayed to frea us out, to frighten us$= My onos too another drin of beer$ =I remember loo ing at a letter that 8heatson "as "riting to his parents that e!ening$ In it, he described coming upon 't"o "hite do!es lying dead in the grass$' Bou see, he couldn't describe "hat "as really happening in the "ar to his parents$ T"o "hite do!es$ 8heatson "as a poet in the most horrendous circumstances you can imagine$= 8heatson died in the "ar some "ee s later, a fe" feet a"ay from My onos, "ho "as critically in>ured in the same attac $ =Most men are "ea ,= My onos said to Michelle$ =Most men are boys$ They ha!e not entered manhood$ They do not no" death$= =My onos,= I said, =I'!e ne!er seen death li e you ha!e$= =Bou are luc y$ Pray you ne!er ha!e to$ Bou don't need to go to "ar to be a man$ That "as my arma, my fate$ Bou are luc y not to ha!e to go through that ind of thing$ Nobody should ha!e to go through it$ Ce" ma e it out ali!e$ And those that do, most come home insane$ Bou can't li!e that "ay day after day and then come bac home, get a >ob and get married and act li e e!erything is fine$ Bou'!e seen too much$= Michelle and I sat in silence, drin ing "hen My onos dran , "aiting to see "here My onos "anted to go$

TWO WHITE DOVES

75

=Michelle, are you done "ith 1imitri< Is your relationship o!er no"<= My onos as ed$ =Bes$ @e "asn't the one for me$= =8hy not<= My onos as ed$ =I don't no"$ @e "asn't strong enough, I guess$= =1imitri is still a boy,= My onos said$ =@e's a great guy$ I lo!e him$ Bou both no" I lo!e him li e a brother$ )ut he still thin s it's all going to end up O?, you no"< @e belie!es that if he li!es right, if he tries to be lo!ing and social, then life is going to turn out all right$ @e's a lo!e idealist$ @e hasn't tasted life yet, not really$ @e hasn't tasted life fully$ This place is a horrible place$= =It's not that bad, My onos,= Michelle said$ =One day, Michelle, your tits "ill hang li e soggy panca es and your ass "ill sag to your nees$ Bou'll "a e up in the morning, put your dentures in and paint your rotting face, and "onder "hich of your friends died today$ The man "ho you finally find Gif you e!er find a good manG"ill probably ha!e died long ago, or left you for a younger "oman$ Bou are going to die, Michelle, and it might not be so pretty$ )ut "e don't "ant to tal about that,= My onos said "ith a faint smile, drin ing his beer$ =)ut right no" e!erything seems fine,= Michelle said enthusiastically$ =8hy can't "e en>oy things the "ay they are right no"<= =Michelle, "hat did you mean "hen you said 1imitri "asn't strong enough for you<= My onos as ed$ =8ell, it's hard to describe$ @e "as nice to me$ 8e had a lot of fun together$ )ut $$$= =)ut "hat<= =(omething "as missing$= =8hat<= =I don't no"$ @e didn't really ha!e a strong direction in his life$= =(o, "hy don't you >ust marry a businessman<= =I don't "ant to marry a businessman$= =8hy not<=

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=)ecause I "ant a man "ho is dedicated to 9od$= ='1edicated to 9od,' huh<= My onos said smiling, as he too another chug of beer$ =Beah, a man "ho is deeper than the a!erage guy$= =And ho" "ould you no" he "as deeper<= =I could >ust feel it$= =Bou mean you "ouldn't "ant a guy "ho "as a lot of fun to be "ith< A guy "ho en>oyed life "ith you<= =8ell, I "ant that, too$= =Michelle, "hat do you really "ant< I mean, really+& My onos &uestioned as he loo ed in Michelle's eyes$ =I "ant a man "ho could open me to 9od$= =And "here is 9od<= =%!ery"here$= =Then "hat do you need a man for< 8hy do you "ant to be "ith a man if 9od is e!ery"here< @mmm< 8hy can't you be happy right no"<= =I am happy$= &Perfectly happy<= =No, not perfectly happy$ )ut happy enough$= =Really<= =O?$ No$ I'm happy, but not happy enough$ (omething is still missing$= =%#actly$ %!en "hen things seem O?, they are not perfectly O?$ %!en no", something is missing$ Bou no" it in your heart$ One day, you "ill be too old to do much about it$ Bou'll >ust ride out "hate!er is left of your d"indling life and try to ma e yourself comfortable as you slo"ly rot$ )ut no", you are young and pretty, your cunt is "et and your face is still smooth$ Bou loo for"ard to getting laid, to finding a good man$ That'll carry you through the day$ )ut under it all, your heart is yearning$ @mmm< And e!en if you do find a good man, you "ill suffer and yearn for deeper lo!eGunless you are surrendering your entire life to be

77

li!ed open as lo!e$ Other"ise, as you try to cling to things turning out "ell, you are afraid, because you are dying, e!en no", and deep do"n, you no" it$= =(o, "hat am I supposed to do< )ecome a nun<= Michelle as ed as she dran her beer and loo ed do"n at the floor$ =8omen are beautiful, are they not<= My onos as ed me, smiling$ =Bes,= I said$ =Michelle,= My onos said, =you're about as close to becoming a nun as you are to gro"ing a coc $ Bour body is gi!en to you$ %n>oy it$ %n>oy e!erything, all of life$ This place can be a pleasure dome, a roo% "here "e can sing and dance and ma e lo!e$ This place is as good as any place3it's >ust dead, already$ Right no"$= My onos too a sip and held his beer high as if ma ing a toast$ =Bou ha!e not seen it, unless you'!e seen your dead one there as silent as the mail$= My onos loo ed at Michelle$ =If you let go of e!erything, "hat is left<=

Michelle closed her eyes for a moment$ (he breathed deeply and let go "ith a sigh$ Then she opened her eyes again and smiled$ =%!erything,= Michelle said, beaming$ =8hat does your cunt feel<= My onos as ed, seriously$ =@appy$= =Bes$ Only "hen you let go completely can you truly li!e and open in lo!e$ Bou can only fuc for real "hen you are "illing to let go of e!erything, e!en your body, and all bodies$ Bou don't need to see dead soldiers hanging in trees to get that message$ This place is about letting go$ It is gi!en to you for a time, and ta en a"ay$ Nothing lasts$ Nothing$ Hust as 8heatson$= My onos stopped tal ing$ @is lo!e for 8heatson "as palpable$ I felt a lump in my throat and s"allo"ed$ =Bou "ant to be "ith a good man,= My onos continued spea ing to Michelle, =and that is fine$ 8hy not< 8hy not en>oy these bodies, these relationships, this place of beauty< It is all 9od$ )ut if you only feel the roo% you seem to be in, then you can't feel 9od in depth$ Bou can only feel as deep as you feel$= My onos stro ed his heart and loo ed at the hori:on$

78

=The only "ay to get through a "ar "ithout going insane is to no" lo!e, e!en as death surrounds you, as you "ait to die yourself$ And this moment is no different$ Not really$ It's a nicer picture, but e!eryone here is dying, and you can die in any moment$ 8hen you die, this "hole place "ill fade and you "ill find yourself in another place, another roo%. It may seem li e a nightmare or it may seem li e a "et dream$ It may seem li e it does no"$ 2xactly as it does now. In any case, you "ill be as ri!eted by others and e!ents that seem to occur in that roo% as much as you are no"$= Michelle "as listening to My onos "ith total attention$ =@appiness is to sacrifice yourself to infinity, to al"ays die "ide open as lo!e, holding onto nothing, gi!ing yourself to e!eryone as if they "ere 9od, because they are 9od$ (urrender as if you "ere dying right no", and find out "hat is left$ Ceel as deep and as "ide as you can, until all you feel is feeling itself, and li!e open as feeling, ali!e as e!eryone and e!erything, no matter ho" horrible or beautiful the "orld seems$= =I can do that "ith or "ithout a man, right<= Michelle as ed$ =1efinitely$ Bou can do it "ith or "ithout a body, maF Bou can do it on the other side, after you die, "hen you are s"irled in a clic ing chaos of shifting shapes and nothing ma es any sense$ (urrender, lo!e, openness is "ho you are$ (ee e!erything as the light of 9od, no" and after death$ Treat e!eryone as 9od, be "illing to dissol!e in 9od if that's ho" it turns outGbut al"ays offer yourself as you are, right no", holding nothing bac , ali!e as unbound openness$ If you "ere to offer yourself to 9od no"Gif you "ere to gi!e all of you to the 9reat One3ho" "ould your cunt feel<= =Ali!e$ Throbbing$ I "ant to gi!e myself to 9od through fuc ,= Michelle said, smiling "ide and beaming$ =Besss$ Bes you do$ Bou are not a tree$ At least not for the moment,= My onos smiled$ =Bou are appearing in this roo% as a "oman3a "oman "ith a cunt that lo!es to be filled "ith 9od's fuc $ Is it O? that I'm saying this<= =BesF= Michelle ans"ered$ =I'!e al"ays felt this "ay$ I'!e al"ays been afraid to admit it$ That's "hy I left 1imitri$ @e couldn't fuc me li e I need it$ I mean, "e had good se#$ @e lo!ed to lic my pussy, and he "as a great isser$ @e "as really good to me$ 8e had a fun time$ )ut I "ant to be fuc ed to 9od$ I "ant to be fuc ed by 9od$ I "ant to be fuc ed $$$= = $$$to death,= My onos stated$ =Bes$ I "ant to be fuc ed to death by 9od$= =(mithereened in lo!e,= My onos added, stro ing his heart and smiling$

79

=Bes$ (mithereened,= Michelle agreed$ =And "hy not< 8hat else "ould you rather do "ith your life, "ith your body, "hile it is still relati!ely young and healthy< 8hen you are bent o!er "ith years, croa ing on the shitter, you can gi!e yourself to 9od as an old "oman does, but for no", you "ant to gi!e yourself li e a cunt opening as big as the uni!erse, hmmm< Is that "hat your heart "ants<= My onos as ed, tapping his finger on his heart$ =Bes$ My heart "ants to be fuc ed open to 9od$= =My friend,= My onos said to me, =this is "hat e!eryone "ants, one "ay or another$ To see the horror of this place and not recoil, that is "hat it means to be a man$ To stand strong in this no"ledge of lo!e, e!en "hen e!erything hurts, that is "hat it means to be free as a man$ 8heatson "as such a man$= Michelle "as sitting up straight in her chair, breathing li e a summer "ind, her face radiant "ith lo!e$ My onos had fuc ed the entire moment open to 9od "ith his "ords, but his face also cre!assed in sorro" as he spo e of his friend, 8heatson$ And in my mind I sa" t"o "hite do!es lying dead in the grass$

80

1! LETTING GO
couches, masturbating$

8e "ere sitting in a circle in the li!ing room, on chairs and

=6ayla, ho" much pleasure can that chubby body of yours handle<= My onos as ed$ =8hat do you mean<= 6ayla "ondered$ =I mean, my dear, can you feel 9od in your cunt<= =I thin so$= =Mm3hmm$ Hust as I thought,= My onos grinned$ My onos, 6emuel, and I stro ed our coc s "hile 6ayla rubbed her genitals$ =Clitoral orgasms are fine,= My onos said, =but your cer!i# is "here it's at, 6ayla$ Bou no", you can touch yourself, or ha!e your pussy lic ed, and there's nothing "rong "ith that$ Bou can shi!er your t"at as much as you "ant$ )ut to be really fuc ed, your "hole pussy has to open, li e a surrendered heart, purring li e a cat, s"ooning open in lo!e, throbbing open beyond the moon's light as your heart is gi!en o!er to 9od's fuc $ Rubbing your clit isn't it$= =It feels good to me,= 6ayla said$ =That's because feeling good is good enough for you, my little princess$ 6oo at her,= My onos said to 6emuel and me, =scre"ing up her face li e she's about to get that rush of pleasure she "ants so bad$ @olding her breath and clamping do"n on her hoity energy, eeping it all loc ed up in that pretty little pussy of hers, building it up so she can do her thing$ And "hen it's o!er, she'll still complain, you no" "hat I mean, gentlemen<= =I thin 6ayla li es to complain,= 6emuel said "ith a smile$ =All "omen li e to complain,= My onos laughed$ =It's their "ay of foreplay$ If you buy into it, the game ne!er ceases$ (he critici:es you, you feel belittled and defend yourself, she critici:es you for being "ea , and so on$ Bou don't no" ho" to treat a "oman if you argue "ith her$ (he "ants one thing, and one thing only, gentlemen$ (he "ants to be fuc ed$ There, ha!e I said it< And I'm not tal ing about lic ing her clit, or putting your pec er in her and pumping a fe" times$ I'm tal ing about fuc ing her to 9od, you no"<= =I don't thin I'!e e!er fuc ed a "oman to 9od,= 6emuel confessed$ =6emuel, first you'!e got to learn ho" to lea!e (ha er @eights behindF=

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=I ha!en't pu ed in a long time, My onosF= =That's good$ )ut it ta es more than that$ Bou'!e got to ill your father and fuc your mother, you no"< Bou'!e got to lea!e your childhood behind and be a man$ Bou'!e got some strange image of yourself3you're the underdog, your dic is too small, you don't thin you're as good as your friends here$ It's time to let all of that go, 6emuel$ 8hat do you feel "hen you stro e your coc <= =8ell, it feels good$= My onos smiled, shoo his head, and loo ed do"n, grimacing in moc frustration$ =Bou and 6ayla, feeling good$ 6oo , "e all no" that "hen you rub your clit or stro e your dic it feels good$ @mmm< That's not what fuck is about$ That's not "hat "e are here forGat least I hope notF Ceeling good is for people "ho are afraid to feel 9od$= =I'm not afraid to feel 9od,= 6ayla said, still rubbing bet"een her legs$ My onos loo ed at her face and imitated her e#pression; a staid "oman ha!ing some tea "hile doing needle"or $ =C'mon, that's not "hat I loo li e,= 6ayla said, annoyed$ =6ayla, do you trust men<= My onos as ed$ =Trust them for "hat<= =To enter you$= =8ell, some men$= =8ho<= =8ell, nobody right no"$ )ut I ha!e trusted men$= =(o you'!e totally recei!ed a man into your heart and body< Acti!ely recei!ed him, "orshipped his coc , suc ed him into you so deep no part of you "as un no"n to his penetration< @mmm< @a!e you opened yourself and ta en him in so deep your heart is opened "ider than the greatest lo!e you ha!e e!er felt<= =8ell, I'!e opened to a man, but not that much$= =Mm3hmm$ And "hy not<= =8ell, I'm afraid to lose myself$= =Bes, e#actly$ And that, my dear, is "hy your cunt is afraid of pleasure$=

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=My cunt isn't afraid of pleasure$= =Bour clit isn't afraid, but your cunt is$ 8hen "as the last time your cer!i# pulsed as "ide as the uni!erse, so that your body radiated as 9od's bliss in "a!es to infinity3so you lost yourself entirely, gone, I mean really gone, so great is the bliss of lo!e's surrender<= =@o" can my cunt be as big as the uni!erse, My onos<= =6ayla, you ha!e ne!er been fuc ed$= =I "ant to be fuc ed,= 6ayla said &uietly as she stopped masturbating$ (he "iped her eyes "ith the bac of her hand$ @er "hole body softened$ =I really do, My onos,= 6ayla continued$ =)ut I'm afraid$ 8hat happens if I gi!e myself to a man and get hurt< @o" do I no" he'll stay "ith me< I'!e "or ed a long time to trust myself, to not need a man to feel good about my life$= 6ayla stopped tal ing and more tears "elled in her eyes$ =I no" I'!e ne!er really opened or gi!en myself to a man completely$ And no" I'm afraid I'm getting old and I'll ne!er find a man "ho I can trust$= =(o, you're gi!ing us a little Pi R )oo3hoo, are you< Bour emotional geometry isn't going to "or here, 6ayla$ Bou might "ant your clit lic ed by a royal schmengie "ho bo"s at your painted toes, you might "ant to cry all comfy in the arms of your "ealthy lo!er, but I'm not your boy, 6ayla$ 6oo around this room$ This isn't the place for you to find a daddy you can finally trust to do you li e you al"ays "anted$ And this isn't (ha er @eights,= My onos added, glancing o!er at 6emuel$ =This moment is as 9od as it gets, and it's the only home you'll e!er ha!e, the only belo!ed you "ill e!er truly no", e!en in the form of your loyal, mustachioed lo!er, 6ayla$ If you are loo ing for a better momentG or a better lo!erG you might as "ell se" that thing up right no",= My onos said "ith a big smile, loo ing bet"een 6ayla's legs$ =1addy isn't >ust going to ta e care of you, he's going to obliterate you$ Mommy isn't >ust going to feed you from her tit, she's going to eat you$ The refuge you dream of is also the place of your crucifi#ionG right no", this !ery moment$ Can you feel it< Bou "ant a man you can trust before you gi!e yourself completely, 6ayla$ (o you are "aiting, unblissful and unopen, before you "ill offer yourself to be claimed by 9od's fuc $ )ut any man you e!er meet is going to betray you$ I guarantee it$ Not because men are e!il$ )ut because this is a place of changes, and unless you are already submitting to the 9reat One's fuc G right no" and in e!ery momentG you "ill feel betrayed by change$ Can you open your cunt no"< Can you recei!e the force that obliterates you to the ends of time, the force that fills you as large as the uni!erse spreads< 8hy do you thin they call it the )ig )ang, 6ayla< The force of the uni!erse3the force of 9od3is the force of fuc $

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And this force, right no", is opening as you$ 8ill you consent to open< Can you recei!e that force of opening so deep in your heart and body that your little fatty "agon !anishes in the perfect agony of lo!e's bliss< @mmm<= 6ayla "as roc ing bac and forth, touching herself again$ (he "as breathing deeply and her body seemed soft and !ulnerable$ @er mouth opened and closed$ (he seemed about to ha!e an orgasm, but instead of holding her breath and clamping do"n and s&uealing3as "e had all seen her do before3she continued opening and breathing$ =6emuel,= My onos shouted, =breathe it do"n to your coc F 1o not be afraid$ 8hy are you hiding< (ho" us your face$ (ho" us your coc $ (ho" us your happiness$ Allo" your pleasure to be bigger than your fear$ @mmm< Can you feel your body, 6emuel< =Bes$= =8ho are you< 8ho is feeling the body<= =I am$= =Bes, but "ho are you< 8hat are you< 8here are you, feeling your body<= 6emuel closed his eyes and continued stro ing his coc $ (uddenly he smiled and opened his eyes$ =Bou are bigger than your pec er, aren't you 6emuel<= My onos as ed$ =Bes$= =@o" big are you, hmmm< Ceel as "ide as you can feel, and tell me, ho" big are you, my friend<= =Really big$ I can't feel "here I stop$= =%#actly, my friend$ Bour mommy and daddy aren't here "ith you, your pec er is disgusting, and you don't stopF Cuc as big as you can feel$ Right no", open as fuc , holding nothing bac F= =I'm going to comeF= 6emuel shouted$ =(hoot it up the spine, 6emuel$ )reathe it do"n your front, breathe it bac from your pec er and breathe it up your spine$ Ceel up"ard, 6emuel$ Ceel up"ard and let the energy go up$= =I can feel it going up,= 6emuel said, his eyes turning up"ard so that the "hites sho"ed, his "hole body !ibrating$

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=9ood$ No" don't forget "ho you are$ Ceel out"ard to infinity, e!en as the energy goes up$ 6et go of e!erything, e!en the pleasure$ Open your heart as "ide as you can feel$ Ceel as "ide as 9od goes$ No" open your eyes, 6emuel$ 6oo at 6ayla$= 6emuel opened his eyes "ide and loo ed into 6ayla's eyes$ They "ere both masturbating furiously$ 6emuel "as still !ibrating and 6ayla roc ed bac and forth, mouthing and me"ling$ =6emuel, feel into 6ayla's heart$ All she "ants is lo!e$ 9i!e her all your lo!e$ 6o!e this "oman more than you'!e e!er lo!ed$ Ceel yourself fuc ing her open, feel into her, feel into her heart, opening her as "ide as you can feel, "ider than you are "illing to feel, so "ide you die open "ith her$ Is your body !anishing, 6emuel<= =It's getting hard to feel my body$ %!erything is all bright, all clear$= =?eep pumping your coc , 6emuel$ )reathe the force do"n into your body, filling your belly and coc , and then let it rise up your spine, feeling into 6ayla all the "hile, fuc ing her open "ider and "ider "ith lo!e's force$ 6et it all go$ 6et everythin$ !anish as you gi!e your lo!e$ 6et your body go as you feel more pleasure than you'!e e!er allo"ed$ 6ayla, let it spread from your t"at$ Open your cunt up to your heart$ Open your cunt bigger than your body$= =Bes,= 6ayla sputtered, =yes, cunt, fuc , ahF Oh, 9odF= =Open more,= My onos said &uietly$ =)e "illing to die open as bliss$ No" is the only time$ 1on't >ust gi!e or ta e fuc $ /e fuc F )e open as fuc $ Cull as light, more life than you'!e e!er allo"ed, blo"n open, ta en to 9od, letting lo!e open you, surrendering and letting the 9reat One fill you, open you, li!e youF= My onos sat in silence for a "hile, stro ing his genitals, and occasionally offering direction to 6ayla and 6emuel "hen they needed it$ I continued masturbating, but the immensity of fullness far outshined any sense of my body's boundaries or pleasure$ =No",= My onos proceeded, ="ould you feel the same bliss if your body "as being burned at the sta e< 8ould you feel the same openness if you "ere being tortured< If your friends here "ere dro"ning before your eyes, and you could do nothing about it, could you feel the boundlessness of 9od< This moment is no different than any moment$ (e# is useful because our bodies are built to surrender through se#$ )ut it's not about se#$ It's about the 9reat One, the lo!e that li!es as e!ery moment, good and bad$= I "asn't sure that 6emuel and 6ayla "ere listening to My onos$ They seemed lost in the froth of their o"n en>oyment$ =Right no", feel farther than your pleasure,= My onos instructed$ =Pleasure is fine$ Pleasure is good$ )ut one day, you may be feeling pain$ One day, in fact, you may

85

feel nothingGabsolutely nothing$ Could you open if you "ere feeling nothing, no body, no mind< Or "ould you clench if suddenly e!erything began to disappear< Imagine your body becoming cold and numb$ Mind confused and fading$ %!erything becoming dar 3 and no" nothing$ Not a single thing$ Are you ready for that< Or do you still need a boyfriend you can trust<= My onos laughed, loo ing at 6ayla$ 6ayla didn't ans"er$ 6emuel suddenly grunted, =I'm comingF= =(ho" us your pleasure, 6emuelF There is nothing to hide$ 8e are youF Ceel out"ard to infinityF Open "ider than this roo%( Orgasm as huge as the )ig )angF= 6emuel opened his mouth and shouted as he came$ 6ayla began sounding loudly, =OhhhF OhhhF= =(often your forehead, 6ayla,= My onos said tenderly$ =(often your head and open your cunt as if you "ere recei!ing 9od's coc "ider than the stars$ 9i!e yourself open to 9od, 6aylaF 1ie open in 9od's fuc li e you'!e al"ays "anted toF= 6ayla began sobbing as she roc ed bac and forth, touching herself bet"een her legs, tilting her head bac , mouth opening, arching her spine, legs fluttering li e a butterfly, mouthing unintelligible "ords, moaning, crying, shuddering in lo!e's torment$ =8hat a placeF= My onos said to me, tal ing &uietly, allo"ing 6ayla and 6emuel their a"esome pleasure$ =6oo at your friends here$ They are so beautiful, so full of light$ )ut imagine that you could see through their s in$ @mmm< 8hat "ould you see< )lood, pus, and e#crement$ )ile, mucous, and urine$ It's >ust a piece of meat, that coc or pussy you "ant so much$ And if you could see it e!en more, do"n to the molecules and atoms, you "ould see mostly space, you no"< Nothing here is "orth clinging toGit's all >ust rotting meat, dancing electrons, and empty space3yet that is all most people do, cling to the "ithering flesh they ha!e, and "ait for something better to sa!e them from the emptiness they dread$ =%!eryone occupies their time "hile they "ait for the big fuc , the thing they hope "ill finally ma e them happy, and all the "hile they are clamping do"n their pus3 sac bodies, en>oying a fe" minutes of pleasurable dribble in an other"ise utterly boring day, holding bac their hearts "hile they "ait for a mommy or daddy "ho could sa!e them and ma e them feel lo!ed, denying 9od's fuc "ith the dumb, relentless churn of their doubting mind, resisting the 9reat One's lo!e, the e!er3present )ig )ang of 9od's lo!e e#ploding as e!erything they see and don't see, missing 9od appearing no" "hile absorbing their terror in "or and ids and "hate!er people do$ =@a!e I gone too far<= My onos as ed$

86

=No, you ha!en't,= I ans"ered$ =8hy can't you let go of 9ia<= My onos suddenly as ed me$ =I lo!e her$= =I no" you do$ 8hat else<= I tried to feel into ="hat else$= Rebecca and I shared an opening of lo!e that felt endlessly deep, yet I still felt 9ia in my heart$ 8hat "as I feeling< 8hy did I feel 9ia so often, "anting to tal "ith her e!ery day, "orrying about her "hen she "as ill or dealing "ith some problem in her life< 8hy couldn't I let go< =My onos,= I said, doing my best to ans"er, =I >ust feel 9ia is my dearest companion in life$ I feel her in my heart all the time$= =Cine$ %!ery man should lo!e a "oman before he dies$ 8hat else< @mmm<= I could actually feel 9ia in the center of my heart, li e a soft mass of familiar lo!e$ =I'm comfortable "ith 9ia$ (he is in my heart al"ays$ (he feels li e home$= =Bes$ And you are afraid to lea!e home$= =I am afraid to lea!e 9ia, to let go of her lo!e$= =It's not her lo!e you are afraid of letting go, my friend$ It's the sense of home her lo!e gi!es you$ The familiar$ It feels so good, no"ing 9ia "ill al"ays lo!e you, doesn't it<= =Bes$= =(he is completely de!oted to you$ (he's not a coc "orshipper li e Michelle, but a truly one3man3de!oted "oman$ And no"ing she is at your side forever gi!es you comfort$= =Bes$ (he is al"ays there for me$= =Oh, is she<= My onos as ed$ =8ell, almost al"ays$= =(he's not your mother$ As good as her lo!e feels, as "arm as her lo!e fills your heart, you are clinging to the tit and missing the moment's depth$ Bou are afraid to be totally aloneGthat is, so open there is no other$ NO OT@%RF= My onos shouted$ =Bou need an other so you can be assured of yourself$ And the other you "ant3the one that

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gi!es you most assurance3is your mother$ Bou "ant to feel her "armth, her smell, her support, her de!otion to you3you "on't let go of that$= =Bou're right$ I'm holding on to 9ia's lo!e because I'm afraid to be alone "ithout her,= I admitted$ =)ut sometimes I do open so fully there is no other$ %!en then, "hen I'm that open, it hurts to lo!e 9ia and let her go$ My heart hurts feeling ho" much I lo!e her$= =Bes, lo!e hurts,= My onos said$ =Bou must learn to li!e "ide open, hurting open "ith lo!e$ Not holding your lo!e bac 3I'!e ne!er told you to stop lo!ing 9iaGbut al"ays letting go of the false 'homes' you build out of fear$ 8e are comfortable in our roo%s. They protect us$ They gi!e us a sense of belonging and security3but they aren't real, and you no" that$= =Bes,= I said$ =I do no" that$ )ut there are still lots of times "hen I'm afraid to let go of the most precious roo% in my life$ And my heart still hurts "ith lo!e$ The other day I "as loo ing into Rebecca's eyes$ 8e "ere both "ide open, lo!ing each other "ithout holding bac $ There "as no other, as you say, only lo!e lo!ing lo!e through t"o bodies$ @er eyes "ere filling "ith tears$ My heart "as aching "ith lo!e3if I "ere to lo!e any more I "ould burst$ (uddenly, I felt 9ia in my heart$ I'm opening "ith Rebecca as deeply as I'!e e!er opened "ith 9ia, and still I feel 9ia in my heartF Rebecca felt li e a stranger$= =Bou ha!e been "ith 9ia for "hat3fifteen years<= My onos as ed$ =It's natural for you to feel her in your heart$ )ut "hat are you afraid of< 8hy "on't you let go of the form of your relationshipGof all form3"hile you continue to lo!e 9ia< And Rebecca< And e!eryone< @mmm< 8hy isn't lo!e sufficient< 8hy do you need to hold on to an other< %!en "hile opening your heart beyond hold, lo!ing so open it hurts, "hat are you afraid of<= =I'm afraid to let go of a "oman "ho lo!es me completely$= =That, my friend, is your problem$= My onos turned his head to loo at 6emuel and 6ayla$ 6emuel "as lying bac rela#ing, his penis softening, a smile on his face$ 6ayla had stopped touching herself, but she "as still mo!ing her legs together and apart, her eyes closed$ =Our beautiful friends here, they are each in their roo%s. Infinity surrounds them3" them3and yet they prefer to attend to their personal cocoons of sensual and emotional pleasure$ That's ho" it is "hen things feel good3you "ant to oin into the feeling of goodness li e a pig$ Bou li e the roo% you share "ith 9ia, and you are afraid of losing it, because you need an other to comfort you, a place, a familiar mind and body and feeling of relationship$ Bou can soothe your suffering3your terror of death, of

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infinite chaos, of no thingG"hile you groo!e on an orgasm, or on that "arm feeling in your heart you get "hen you thin of 9ia$ )ut it's not going to last, and your entire need to feel an other3e!en lo!ingly3is al"ays riding on that fear$ = =)ut that doesn't mean I shouldn't lo!e 9ia$= =Of course not$ Open inside the roo% and outside the roo% at the same time, my friend$ 6o!e 9ia "ith all of your heart$ Ceel your heart ache as you open to lo!e her e!en more$ And also feel ho" you cling to the sense of an otherGmommy, the goodness of her lo!e, the "armth of her, your sense of being at home "ith her$ Bou cling to an otherG and especially to the comfort and assurance of an other's lo!eGbecause you are afraid of death$ And that is "hat limits you$ 6o!e 9ia completely, and let her go$ 6o!e Rebecca completely, and let her go$ 6o!e e!eryone, e!ery moment, fully, achingly, and let it all go$ 6et go so you don't e!en no" "here you are, so all roo%s of familiarity ha!e slithered a"ay in the fullness of lo!e's bright release$ There is nothing, absolutely no thingF= =I can feel my fear of total nothingness$= =Bes$ And that is "hy you are afraid to let go of 9ia, and "hy Rebecca's lo!e doesn't feel the same$ Rebecca's lo!e3e!en "hen it is full3doesn't ha!e the familiar fla!or, the smells of home, the fresh ba ed bread, the support that 9ia has al"ays gi!en you$ Rebecca doesn't feel li e home3yet$ @er lo!e still opens as the ungraspable, un no"able fullness of no thing$ (o you miss 9ia's familiar te#tures$ Bou miss mommy$ Bou miss the home you no"$= My onos sat silently for a fe" moments, "atching 6ayla and 6emuel rela# in their pleasure$ =There comes a time "hen you'!e got to fuc your best friend in the ass and say goodbye,= My onos said, loo ing at 6emuel$ I had no"n 6emuel e!en longer than I'd no"n 9ia$ If there "as one person in the "orld "ho I felt more at home "ith than 9ia, it "as 6emuel$ =I'm not saying you shouldn't lo!e,= My onos continued$ =I'm not saying that at all$ Bour lo!e for 9ia and 6emuel is beautiful$ )ut you are holding onto the lo!e you no", and you are un"illing to trust the lo!e that is un no"n, that can ne!er be no"n$ Bou are afraid to lea!e home, my friend, "ith no ground beneath you and no roo% to shelter you$ Bou are afraid to die open "ith no form$ No praise or blame$ %!eryone is afraid$ At some point, though, "hene!er you are ready, you "ill ha!e to pass through that absolute terror$ ?no"ing nothing$ No thing$ Nada$ 1ying completely, and finding out "hat, if anything, continues$ To lo!e completely and hold onto nothing3that is the only freedom$=

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I remembered lying in bed and snuggling "ith 9ia$ 6aughing "ith her so many times o!er so many years$ Opening "ith her and sharing our deepest secrets, our fears, our real dreams$ 8e ga!e each other our li!es$ Together "e stepped into the "orld and offered our gifts$ I "asn't ready to let go of that completely$ I "anted to feel the possibility of it continuing, no"ing 9ia "as "ith me, or at least "aiting for me$ =6ayla,= My onos as ed, ="hat "ould you do if suddenly you found yourself "ithout a body<= =I'd be the light of the moon,= 6ayla ans"ered$ =Bes, I belie!e you "ould,= My onos laughed$

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11 BIG WAVES

My onos suggested that "e go surfing$ 8e grabbed our boards from behind the house and headed to the beach$ 8hen "e got to the ocean, the "a!es "ere huge$ 8ay too big to surf$ A storm "as coming in, the "ind "as blo"ing hard and cold, the s y "as gray "ith dense clouds, and the "ater "as "ild$ Not a single person "as on the beach or in the "ater$ 8e stood on the sand and loo ed out at the churning "ater$ An incessant "all of monster "a!es continually crashed as the "ind ho"led$ =8ell, are you ready to go out<= My onos as ed$ (urprised, I "ondered "hy My onos "anted to go out in these conditions$ %!en the big time surfers "eren't out$ These "a!es "eren't >ust e#tremely large, they "ere messy, closing out, crashing do"n in a !iolent churn instead of pro!iding smooth condi3 tions for surfing$ =It loo s pretty rough,= I said, afraid that My onos "ould still "ant to go out$ The "ind began to blo" e!en harder and colder$ (and "hipped up from the beach, stinging my s in and eyes$ Through half3

closed eyelids, the "ater loo ed !ery harsh and menacing$ =8ell, I don't no" about you, but I'm going out,= My onos said, "al ing into the "ater, and paddling out$ I "as afraid$ My onos "as bringing me to the edge of my fear, as he often did, but I also "ondered "hether going out in these "a!es "as >ust plain stupid$ Our li!es "ould definitely be at ris , and the conditions "ere so chaotic that the surfing "ouldn't be en>oyable$ I doubted "e "ould be able to ride a single "a!e3 and if "e did, the probability "as high that a forty3foot "all of impending "ater "ouldn't pro!ide us "ith surf, but "ould come crashing do"n on us, burying us deep belo" the furious surface, churning us do"n and around in the current's suction$ My onos "as a !etGsometimes I "ondered if he re&uired the adrenaline rush of near death encounters to feed some ind of need$ I didn't no" if this situation "as a spiritual test of my courage, or >ust My onos being self3destructi!e$ I follo"ed My onos into the "ater$ I had decided years before that I "ould go "here!er My onos led me$ Other than his teacher, My onos "as the most open, deep, and fearless person I had e!er met$ And al"ays his direction had led me deeper and more open in lo!eGso far$ Crom the beginning, his boundary3free lo!e re!ealed my fear$ 8hen "e "ould drin beer or sa e, My onos "ould continue drin ing far beyond my limit$ At first, I

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stopped "hen I felt that I "as getting too drun $ I noticed that My onos "ould stop then, too3in fact the e!ening "ould stop$ (o, I learned to match My onos, drin for drin , and go "here My onos too the e!ening$ I let go of my o"n fear3I listened to my inner !oice of self3preser!ation, but I did not choose to obey it3and in doing so I disco!ered a "ondrous e#panse of beauty and lo!e that lay outside my fearful perimeters$ Once, "e "ere sitting in a room "ith four other people$ 8e had been drin ing for hours$ I practiced, as My onos had taught me, breathing "hile feeling the open moment "ithout clinging to or resisting anything$ My onos "as drin ing hard and tal ing fast3 e!erybody else had either passed out or "as too fu::ed to follo" the con!ersation$ =There is nothing,= My onos said$ And that is "hat I felt$ Nothing$ Absolute absence$ =Bet e!erything appears,= he continued$ I sa" the room, heard his !oice, felt my o"n drun en state3and yet it "as also nothing, as if a dream "ere being constantly e!aporated, instantly, al"ays, too soon to do anything about, and yet the images appeared, materiali:ed, !anished$ =6o!e is the only "ay to li!e that is not insane,= he said$ =6o!e$ 6o!e$ 6o!e$ 6o!e $$$= My onos ept repeating that "ord, o!er and o!er, until it "as >ust a sound$ =8hat does it mean, 'lo!e'<= My onos as ed$ =6o!e$ 6o!e$ 6o!e $$$= @earing My onos repeat =lo!e,= there "as no meaning to the utteranceK it "as >ust a sound, a shape$ =Bou do not no" "hat a single thing is,= My onos said$ =%!erything is happening$ 8e can tal about it$ )ut still, nothing means anything "hen you fully feel it in the present$ Bou can associate a meaning "ith itG"hate!er 'meaning' meansGbut you do not no" "hat it is$ It simply is$= I loo ed around the room at the unconscious or nodding3off people$ My onos "as "ide a"a e, sitting on the edge of his chair, passionately spea ing$ =%!erything is >ust $$$ happening$ That is the most that can be said$ Bou can construct all inds of "ords and thoughts and ideas3shapes in the mind3and associate them "ith the shapes you seeGthe glass of "ater, your friends here, the grass outsideG but that doesn't mean you no" "hat anything is$ Bou ha!e simply associated !arious shapes together$ Patterns patterning$ Bou can feel, e!en no", that those patterns are nothing, can you not<= =Bes, My onos, e!erything feels li e nothing$= =%!erything is nothing$ And yet it all e#ists$ 8hat a miracleF @o" can you li!e in such a place "ithout going insane, unless you lo!e< @mmm< Bour closest friends are shapes, coming and going, meaning nothing before this birth or after death, yet

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occupying your life "ith patterns of bodies and filling your heart "ith patterns of feeling$= My onos loo ed out the "indo", paused for a "hile, and continued spea ing$ =Bour heart "ould be crushed in suffering if you could actually feel all the beings in pain, the cats and dogs, men at "ar, "omen at home, lonely and unlo!ed, all the children star!ing, dying, the disease3but here "e are, en>oying oursel!es, because "e are able to limit our attention to the shapes in our little roo%, and act li e "e no" "hat this is, "hat e!erything is$= My onos dran , and I dran $ Then he loo ed in my eyes "ith such lo!e, spea ing intensely, but &uietly$ =Bou are "ide open$ This roo% is "ide open$ 9od is ali!e as e!erything that appears and disappears, you included$ Bou are either sei:ing up in fear3binding yourself to "hat appears, friends, lo!ers, children, homes, "or , your body, your thoughts, building up a sense of self, a "hole inner "orld of comfort and ideas and hopes for the future and so forthGor you are surrendering it all, lo!ing co%pletely and letting go co%pletely. 6o!e "ithout limits, my friend$ Trust lo!e to li!e you and all things$ As much as it hurts your heart to feel e!erything and e!eryone, as terrifying as it is to surrender absolutely, your only real option is to lo!e "ithout boundaries, "ide open$ 6o!e is the only "ay to li!e$ Ceel e!erything$ Ceel "ithout limitation$= I "as drun , and yet My onos's "ords rang crystal clear, opening my heart beyond hold$ 8hy not open and lo!e< I felt nauseous, di::y, about to pass out3but "hy not lo!e< 8hy "ould I "ant to collapse my feeling less than lo!e< I breathed and rela#ed my body, as best I could$ I felt my body, the air in the room, and e!erybody in the room "ith us$ I felt My onos's passion, the pain etched in his face, the light in his eyes, his constant efforts to bring me open3to bring e!eryone into lo!e$ My heart felt li e it "as turning inside out in gratitude$ =1o you no" ho" many people ha!e died<= My onos as ed$ =And e!ery one of them "as trying to sur!i!e, to feel good, to a!oid too much pain, if possible$ (ome made grand gestures, and !estiges of their li!es surround us as art, religion, science, "hate!er$ Most made smaller gestures; a fe" ids, a comfortable li!ing room, friends they could tal "ith as the patterns of their li!es came and "ent$= My onos and I dran $ =And then there are the rare ones,= said My onos, eyes glistening, =li e my teacher, "ho appear in the pattern to remind the pattern itself of its source and true nature$ I ha!e been reminded, and you ha!e been reminded, and until the "hole pattern reali:es that it is only lo!e *only love*"ar continues here, pattern against pattern, each trying to car!e out a little place of comfort, brushing up against other patterns trying to persist as they are, fighting against all that threatens them, forgetting lo!e e!en as they

93

fight "ith their lo!ers, their children, their o"n impulses3fighting "ith the !ery patterns they hope "ill sa!e them$ =Alcohol can be useful if you no" ho" to use it$ It can help you see the patterns for "hat they are by softening the torrent of your >abbering mind3current$ )ut most people >ust get dull "hen they drin $ They don't no" ho" to breathe life through their body, so, instead, the spirit3force bac s up3rather than sin ing do"n, opening their heart, and filling their belly "ith lo!e's force, it rises up their front and ma es them pu e$ Most people don't no" "ho they are "hen their mind stops, so they feel confused, lost, or they >ust blan out "hen no thought mo!es, "hen their thin ing mind is obliterated$ They can't stand the gap$ )ut if you can rela# as lo!e, if you are comfortable "ith no3thought, if you can simply be consciousness "ithout needing a self3 sense to cling to, then drugs and alcohol can help s"eep a"ay the usual and incessant patterns of body and mind so you can recogni:e lo!e no"3your mind, e!ery body, this entire uni!erse, is only lo!e, appearing as patterns, and it all comes and goes, and surrender is the only "ay to li!e that isn't terror, you no"<= Paddling out into the churning sea, I tried to surrender rather than free:e up in terror$ My onos "as ahead of me, duc ing under "a!es as they came in, paddling further out$ The "a!es "ere much bigger no" than they had seemed from the shore$ I genuinely felt "e might die$ 8e "ere idiots$ There "asn't a soul any"here on the beach or in the "ater, the s y "as dar ening "ith storm's gray, and the "a!es ept getting bigger$ 8e paddled outside of the area "here the "a!es "ere brea ing$ This far from the shore, the s"ells "ere huge, lifting us up and do"n li e tiny floating spec s$ As I loo ed bac to"ard the beach, I could see the "a!es brea ing, careening to"ard shore, monster "alls of roiling, crashing madness$ My onos's face loo ed serious$ The air "as turning chillier as the "inds "hipped faster$ (pray from the chop "hac ed our faces and filled our nose and eyes$ The "a!es "ere no" so large I didn't thin "e could ma e it bac in$ I paddled to"ard My onos$ I assumed he had a plan$ =This "as a pretty stupid thing to do,= My onos said "ithout smiling$ I heard him &uietly say his teacher's name, three times$ 8e stayed for more than an hour rising up and do"n "ith the s"ells outside of the brea , "aiting for the storm to subside, but it "as only getting "orse$ On the shore, through the gray mist and "hite spray, "e could see "hat I thought "as a coast guard !ehicle pulling up on the beach$ They "ere yelling something through a megaphone, but "e couldn't ma e out "hat they "ere saying o!er the roar of the crashing "a!es$ There "as nothing "e could do$ I had follo"ed My onos into this situation, "illingly$ I couldn't blame him$

94

(uddenly, My onos said, =I'm ta ing this one in$= @e paddled to catch the ne#t "a!e and disappeared$ All I could see "as the bac of the "a!e, charging into shore, until the "a!e bro e into "hite"ater$ I strained my eyes to find My onos, but I couldn't see him$ I "as alone on the s"ells$ My onos "as gone$ The e!ening's looming dar "as adding to the !isibility problems$ I could barely ma e out the shore through the dar ness$ And then I sa" My onos, a tiny spec carrying his board, "al ing to"ard the coast guard people$ @e had made it$ I felt the s"ells as I tried to calculate "hich "a!e to ta e in, but I "as too afraid$ I didn't no" "hat to do$ I tried paddling parallel to the shore, thin ing that maybe I "ould find a place "here the "a!es "eren't brea ing so hard, "here I might be able to ride a "a!e all the "ay to shore "ithout being crushed beneath its furious load$ I reali:ed it "as getting late and soon I "ouldn't be able to see a "a!e's gray shape looming against the night s y$ I "as alone$ My onos "as safe on shore$ The coast guard could do nothing$ There "as no option but to ta e a "a!e in, and pray$ I paddled bac and forth for another t"enty minutes or so, alternating bet"een moments of strange peace and mind3 numbing panic$ I didn't no" "hat I "as "aiting for3the conditions "ere only "orsening$ Cinally, I forced myself to ta e a "a!e, and I held onto my board as I "as lifted up and then dropped o!er a charging ledge into dar space$ Once, "hen drin ing "ith My onos and our friends, %rin disappeared$ 8e all loo ed for her in the house, and then "e loo ed outside in the yard$ Nobody could find her$ As da"n approached, someone found her a fe" bloc s from the house, lying on the side of the road, na ed, passed out$ (he seemed fine, although she couldn't remember "hat happened to her$ 1uring another drun en e!ening, a friend's "ife disappeared "ith another man$ (he ended up di!orcing my friend, marrying the other man, gi!ing birth to a seriously handicapped child, di!orcing her ne" husband, and years later, regretting that she e!er spent time "ith us at all$ I trusted My onos more than anyone I had e!er no"nGand he "as also the least trustable person I ne"$ @e fre&uently told me "hat a >er someone "as3and then acted li e he "as that person's best friend "hen they sho"ed up$ @e lied and made up stories and t"isted facts to suit the needs of the moment$ @e "ould pour his life into helping someone for years, and then ne!er spea to them again, for no reason at all$ @e "as more lo!ing, more compassionate, than anyone I had e!er met, and he also couldn't care less about anyone's life$ Nothing about my3or anyone's3daily life

95

interested him$ Months could go by and My onos "ould ne!er as a single &uestion about ho" I "as doing or "hat "as going on in my life$ %#cept for a fe" rare moments o!er the course of many years, he didn't "ant to hear about my relationships, my career, or e!en my health$ @e'd listen for a fe" seconds and then change the sub>ect3al"ays to se# or death or 9od, "hich "ere all the same thing to him$ @e "ould tal for hours about his time in Dietnam or his childhood friends, and later I "ould reali:e I didn't no" anything more about My onos than before, but I had learned a great deal about lo!e and ho" to open as lo!e, and about death$ I heard people tal about My onos$ A fe" people respected My onos greatly$ )ut many more hated him$ They told me he "as a =bac stabber,= ho" he had pretended to be their friend only to shaft them later$ They told me ho" he "ould ne!er admit to being "rong, and that he "ould ne!er tal about his o"n spiritual or se#ual issues$ 8ith other people, I sa" My onos say one thing to their face and tell a totally different story "hen that person "asn't present, so I figured he did the same "ith me$ One time, he strongly insisted that Paco prepare himself for an upcoming disaster, and then later he >o ed "ith me about ho" Paco "as so neurotically insistent about preparing himself for the disaster$ This ind of t"o3faced beha!ior "as so common for My onos that I simply assumed he told e!ery person a different story, perhaps "hat he felt they needed to hear, "ith no concern for "hat the facts =really= "ere$ My onos had no friends3at least not the ind of friends most people ha!e$ I had no"n 6emuel since childhood$ Paco and 1imitri had been close friends of mine for many years$ 8e shared a sense of loyalty$ I ne" I could count on them for the long haul$ )ut unless I called My onos on the phone, or "ent to !isit him, he ne!er "ould e!en contact me$ And, as far as I could tell, he "as this "ay "ith >ust about e!eryone$ And yet, nobody ga!e me more than My onos$ I couldn't count on him to help me in bad times, or e!en to call me in good times$ I couldn't trust a "ord he said about anything$ I assumed he critici:ed me in front of others >ust as he critici:ed them to me$ And I ne", if I didn't get in touch "ith him, I'd ne!er see him again3he'd ne!er see out my company, or anyone else's$ (till, the gifts that poured from My onos in an hour of drin ing beer "ith him left me stunned, opened, grateful, and a"a ened to a dimension of heart3truth that my other friends3the friends I trusted "ith my life3barely ne" e#isted$ My onos "asn't a person, really$ @e "as a hole in the uni!erse$ The "a!e began crashing do"n on me$ I closed my eyes as the "ater pounded my body$ I gripped the board as hard as I could, no"ing that if I lost the board, I "ould be dragged beneath the "ater by the churning force of the "a!e, unable to come up for air$ I "as being "ashing3machined, suc ed do"n and tumbled in the "ater$ In the dar ness,

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I couldn't tell "hat "as up or do"n$ I held to the board "ith all my strength, holding my breath, tumbling head o!er heels, "aiting for the buoyancy of the board to bring me bac to the surface before I began breathing "ater into my lungs$ I could feel my heart beating$ The roar from beneath the "ater sounded li e distant drums$ I "as running out of breath, out of time$ I began to suffocate$ There "as nothing else I could do but "ait for the board to bring me to surface$ I "aited, searing in my head and lungs$ 8hen I hit the surface, I gasped for breath and inhaled ocean spray$ Cho ing, another "a!e came do"n, burying me beneath the "ater, tumbling me upside do"n and around in the dar ness$ I reached again the surface and tried to breathe, coughing up "ater "hile clinging to the board$ The ne#t "a!e "as smaller, pushing me closer to the shore that I could barely see through the spray$ Regaining enough breath, I paddled and ic ed to help the "a!es push me to"ard the beach$ Cinally, I got close enough to the shore to see it clearly, although I couldn't see My onos or the coast guard people$ Paddling through the chop and currents, I reached the shore, got out of the "ater on "eary legs, and sat on the sand, my heart pounding hard$ I had drifted about half a mile from "here My onos and I entered the "ater$ After a fe" minutes, I "al ed bac , chilled, feeling !ery good to be on land$ My onos "as sitting on the beach loo ing out at the "ater "hen I reached him$ =8here did the coast guard people go<= I as ed$ =They left a little "hile ago$ Bou hungry<= My onos as ed$ 8e "ent to a little Me#ican food place near the beach$ My onos ne!er again mentioned our day in the stormy "a!es$

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12 CATS AND DOGS

=6oo into her eyes,= My onos suggested$ 8e "ere on the grassy property surrounding the house My onos "as careta ing for his teacher, standing outside the cage of t"o large mon eys$ One of the mon eys "as staring right at me$ =That's the girl,= My onos said, e#plaining that the t"o mon eys "ere a mother and a daughter$ =They are pretty a"are mon eys$= I did feel li e I "as being seen, someho", by this mon ey loo ing into my eyes$ My onos "as cleaning out the cage, "hich "as hugeG the si:e of a small house filled "ith small trees, bushes, and e!en three chairs$ The girl mon ey and I held our ga:e for se!eral minutes before she decided to mo!e to another branch and munch on a leaf$ =My teacher sometimes sits in one of those chairs,= My onos pointed out, =and the t"o mon eys sit in the others$ It's ama:ing$ They spend hours together, the three of them, >ust sitting and loo ing at each other$ I thin my teacher prefers the company of some non3human beings more than he does some humans$= =1oes he thin animals can be as spiritually a"are as humans<= I as ed$ =In a "ay$ It's li e "ith humans$ There are dense people and more open, a"are people$ 8ell, there are cats that are >ust cats, and then there are cats that are more in tune "ith the 9reat One than some humans are$ Of course, non3humans don't ha!e the language to tal about it, but so "hat< They commune "ith the 9reat One through different means than humans$= =8hat about dogs<= I "ondered$ =Most dogs ha!e been too domesticated o!er hundreds of years$ They ha!e been bred to obey$ They aren't free enough to feel much beyond their li!es of obedience and re"ard$ (ome dogs can brea free, but not most$ Cats, on the other hand, are less domesticated, freer in their feeling$ 6ess manageable$ Try teaching a cat to fetch a stic , or to sit "hen you tell them to$ Cats are too free in their feeling to obey li e a dog$= )efore I e!er met My onos face to face, I had heard about him$ I had been getting to no" some of the students of My onos's teacher$ They told me that My onos had been ic ed out of their spiritual school3by his teacher$ 8hen I as ed them "hy his teacher had ic ed My onos out, they told me that My onos had disobeyed him by refusing to teach in public$ )ecause My onos refused, his teacher ic ed him out, and then told the entire community of students to shun My onos3not to spea "ith My onos or interact "ith him in any "ay$ Then, o!er the ne#t fe" months, I heard more stories about My onos, "ho had been ousted by the teacher he ga!e his life to for almost /+ years$ My onos "as no"

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li!ing "ith his "ife in a friend's suburban house$ A fe" students tried to spea "ith My onos and con!ince him to obey his teacher$ My onos apparently chased them a"ay "ith a baseball bat$ I heard another story about My onos punching one of the students "ho tried to physically drag him to a meeting "ith the other men of the school$ These stories intrigued me$ I had been studying and practicing "ith !arious spiritual teachers since I "as a teenager, but I had ne!er heard anything li e this before$ %!eryone "ho I tal ed "ith agreed that My onos "as the most ad!anced student in their community, yet no" he seemed hated for disobeying his teacher$ I got My onos's phone number from one of the students "ho "as still his friend and "rote it do"n on a little piece of yello" paper$ I held onto that phone number for days, sometimes ta ing it out of my poc et, loo ing at it, and putting it bac , afraid to call this man "ho chased people "ith baseball bats and beat them up, this man "ho "as, I presumed, far more spiritually ad!anced than I "as, yet ic ed out by his o"n teacher for disobedience and shunned by the community of his peers$ I ne" he had spent the last t"enty years meditating, doing spiritual e#ercises, and li!ing in his teacher's company$ I had to meet this man, but I "as "aiting for the right time to call$ One day, I "as standing outside a building "aiting for 9ia to finish shopping$ I sa" a payphone, put a fe" coins in, too the piece of paper from my poc et, and dialed the number$ =@ello<= the !oice ans"ered$ =@ello, I'm trying to reach My onos,= I said$ =This is My onos$= =@i$ I'!e been spea ing to some of your friends, and, "ell, I feel I ha!e to meet you$= =O?$ Come on o!er,= My onos said, and ga!e me directions to his house$ I dropped 9ia off at home and dro!e to the house "here My onos "as staying$ I stood in front of the door, ready to noc , not no"ing "hat to e#pect$ I thought My onos might "ear robes of some ind, or he might loo li e a saint, do"ntrodden, re>ected by 9od$ Or maybe he "ould attac me li e he had the others "ho tried to spea to him$ I noc ed on the door, and a "oman opened it$ =@i,= I said, =I'm here to see My onos$= =Come on in,= she said, motioning me to"ard the li!ing room$ I "al ed into the li!ing room$ A football game "as on the TD$ My onos "as sitting on the carpet, cross3legged, some"hat hunched o!er, "earing a T3shirt and shorts, staring at the TD$

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I didn't no" if I should disrupt My onosGI "as pretty sure it was My onosG "hile he "as "atching TD, or if I should "ait until he loo ed o!er at me$ I stood and "aited$ Cinally, "hen he didn't do anything, I said, =@i$= =@i,= My onos ans"ered, his eyes still on the football game$ =I'll be "ith you in a second$= I stood in the li!ing room, "atching My onos "atch TD$ 8hen the game "as interrupted by the ne#t commercial brea , My onos stood up$ @e opened the sliding glass door that led to the bac yard, and he "al ed outside$ @e did not close the door behind him, so I follo"ed him out, and slid the door closed$ My onos sat do"n on the bench of a picnic table set up in the bac yard$ I sat do"n across from him$ @e still didn't loo at me$ @e ga:ed out o!er the small pond that di!ided the yard from the neighbor's$ =I don't really no" "hy I'm here,= I said, needing to say something to brea the silence$ =I'!e heard stories about you and your teacher, and I'm trying to understand$ @o" can you trust a teacher and yet go against himGif that's "hat you did<= I "aited for an ans"er$ My onos didn't mo!e$ Cinally, he turned from the pond and loo ed directly in my eyes$ It "as the first time I felt My onos's peculiar ga:e, piercingly deep$ @is eyes "ere a bottomless "ell of open blac ness$ @is nose "as clearly croo ed to one side, li e it had been bro en and healed off3center$ @is hair "as long, scraggly, and un empt$ @is shoulders "ere some"hat hunched, his limbs "iry, and yet the o!erall impression "as one of intense strength3he could ha!e been a hired iller$ My onos loo ed into my eyes for a fe" seconds$ @is face loo ed so serious$ Then he loo ed bac o!er the pond, and spo e$ =8hat do you "ant to no"<= I felt li e my entire life had led to this moment, and this &uestion$ My body "as trembling slightly, but deep inside I felt calm and clear$ =I'!e heard you are the most ad!anced student of your teacher,= I said$ I "aited a fe" seconds to see ho" My onos "ould respond$ @e didn't mo!e or change his e#pression at all$ (o, I continued$ =I'm not e#actly sure "hy I called you, but I felt you had something to teach meGand I "anted to no" "hat really happened to you, ho" you ended up here$=

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My onos smiled !ery slightly, still loo ing o!er the pond$ =8hat did you hear<= My onos as ed$ =I heard that your teacher as ed you to teach in public, and you refused$ (o you "ere ic ed out by your teacher, "ho instructed the rest of his students to shun you$= My onos didn't respond, so I continued$ =I also heard that you threatened to hit some of his students "ith a baseball bat "hen they came to !isit you,= I added$ =Assholes,= My onos said &uietly, loo ing o!er the pond$ I "aited "ithout spea ing$ I didn't really ha!e anything else to as $ If My onos "anted to say something, I "as eager to listen$ )ut if he didn't, then that "as his choice$ A "omanGnot the one "ho had ans"ered the doorGappeared "ith some iced tea$ )y the "ay she and My onos e#changed glances, I assumed she "as My onos's "ife$ =@i,= she said to me, placing the tall glasses of tea do"n on the picnic table, ma ing eye contact "ith My onos again before "al ing a"ay$ (he "ore more ma e3up than I e#pected to see on someone "ho "as supposed to be a spiritual practitioner$ Most people thought My onos's "ife "as at least as spiritually ad!anced as he "as3but to my eyes, in that moment, she loo ed too dressed up and My onos too hunched o!er$ My onos too a sip of tea, put the glass do"n, and loo ed into my eyes$ =There are a lot of assholes out there,= he said$ =I'm >ust lying lo", doing some "riting$= My onos glanced to"ard some boo s that "ere stac ed on the picnic table$ (piritual te#ts, mostly imported from India$ Then he loo ed again o!er the pond$ =1id your teacher as you to start spea ing in public<= I as ed My onos, trying to get the con!ersation to go some"here$ =I heard that he "anted you to be the head of some branch of your school, and you refused$= =I'm not about to be the head of anything,= My onos said$ =)ut I thought that if you trust a teacher, you're supposed to obey him,= I said, hoping that My onos "ould clarify this for me$ My onos dre" bac his lips and e#posed his front teeth for a fe" seconds, loo ing li e a mean bea!er about to bite into "ood$

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=Bears ago,= My onos said, =my teacher told me that one day he "ould ha!e to ic me out, send me out into the "orld, and all I "ould ha!e "ith me is this orange boo $= My onos nodded to"ard a small boo "ith an orange co!er that "as sitting on the table, separate from the other boo s$ =(o you ne" this "as going to happen<= I "ondered aloud$ =I didn't no" anything then, and I don't no" anything no",= My onos said, =but here I am$= I started to feel that he "as a!oiding my &uestions$ Then he loo ed into my eyes and I felt the endless blac openness$ @olding my ga:e, My onos spo e$ =There is obedience, and then there is obedience. Those assholes don't ha!e the slightest idea "hat's going on$ It's not li e the teacher tells you "hat to do, and then you're supposed to do it$ It's not li e that at all$ It's all a play, a test$ I'm not about to fuc ing become an institutional3type$= =)ut your teacher said that you should head up some ind of institution, didn't he<= I as ed My onos$ =Bes$ @e's said lots of things,= My onos told me and loo ed o!er the pond "ithout saying anything more$ I really "anted to understand this$ I "as at a point in my life "here I reali:ed I needed a teacher to help me ta e the ne#t step, and yet most people I sa" "ho had spiritual teachers did, in fact, seem li e assholes$ My onos ne" something deeper, I felt$ =My onos, I don't mean to be rude $$$= I said, and My onos turned his horse3li e head straight to"ard me$ =I need to no" "hat you no",= I told him$ =8hy<= My onos as ed$ =Bou no" "hy,= I ans"ered, shoc ed by my o"n brus&ueness$ =Besss,= My onos said, smiling, =perhaps I do$ Are you "illing to gi!e up e!erything< )ecause that's "hat it ta es$ My teacher, he's ta en everythin$ horn me$ I'!e got this orange boo , and that's it$ @e's ta en my "ife, my daughter, my life$ I ha!e nothing$ @e's e!en ic ed me out so I can't li!e "ith him,= My onos smiled$ =It's a beautiful thing$=

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=(o, you don't mind being ic ed out<= I as ed$ =This< It's nothing$ Bou ha!e no idea, my friend$= 8e continued tal ing for a fe" hours before I said goodbye, sha ing My onos's hand, than ing him, and lea!ing$ In those fe" hours, My onos someho" imparted3more through his disposition than his "ords3"hat it means to be an authentic student$ My heart "as opened to a depth of lo!e3an actual and tangible depth of reality3that I had ne!er felt before$ This depth had al"ays been present, but I had been more attenti!e to the surface of things, "hat people said and did, the e!ents in my life$ (itting "ith My onos in that bac yard, a depth unperturbed by time s"elled into my feeling, and it became ob!ious ho" My onos could seemingly disobey his teacher, and yet remain obedient at a le!el that most people couldn't e!en percei!e$ As he told me, on the surface, it loo ed li e he and his teacher "ere at "ar$ )ut the "ar "as al"ays already o!er, and lo!e had "on, e!en if the fight continued to appear on the surface$ After my meeting "ith him, My onos remained apart from his teacher for three years, and then he "as, once again, closer to his teacher than any other man$ It "as as if the separation had ne!er occurred$ In My onos's heart, it hadn't$ In the years that I subse&uently spent "ith My onos, he disobeyed his teacher all the time$ %!entually, as I obser!ed their =battle= more and more, their tussling came to feel li e a chess match bet"een t"o close friends more than an actual fight$ And yet, underneath all the scheming and apparent disagreements, a huge oneness of lo!e pre!ailed$ This immense being, this open force of lo!e3bliss, emerged through "hate!er seemed to be happening, and communicated itself regardless of "hat My onos "as saying or doing$ =Cats are, in general, less domesticated than dogs$ )ut then there are the sil!erbac gorillas,= My onos continued spea ing as he cleaned around the mon ey cage$ =The sil!erbac s no" they are facing e#tinction$ There are only a fe" of them left$ My teacher said he'd much rather spend time "ith the sil!erbac s than "ith most people that come to him$ @e's spent a lot of time "ith these mon eys here,= My onos said, nodding his head to"ard the mother and daughter "ho "ere no" grooming each other$ =If you loo into their eyes, you can feel the same lo!e3bliss you feel around my teacher$ These t"o mon eys are more in touch "ith "here it's at than most humans$= =My onos, do you really thin that mon eys are as e!ol!ed as humans<= =8ell, they don't ha!e the same ind of thin ing mind as humans$ They don't spea li e humans, but then, they don't need to$ @umans are uni&ue in their capacity to reflect upon themsel!es3"hich is "hy "e are so into se# and death$ 8e thin about our o"n life all the time, "ondering "hen "e "ill finally be fuc ed li e "e'!e al"ays been "aiting for3and you no" "hat I mean by 'fuc '$ @umans are also a"are of their

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impending death, so they begin to "onder about the meaning of their life$ Most non3 human beings don't thin about fuc or death$ (o they don't build culture li e humans$= My onos loo ed at the mon eys as he continued spea ing$ =They don't need monuments or boo s to help them reflect themsel!es to themsel!es, li e human do, li e human thought does$ Of course, they don't ha!e the capacity for self3understanding that humans do, either$ To be born human is to be born "ith a capacity to transcend "hat appears through self3understanding3non3human beings ha!en't de!eloped that capacity$ )ut then, most people ha!en't, either$ Compared to these mon eys here, most people are self3enclosed assholes, don't you thin <= I loo ed into the mother's eyes$ (he loo ed right bac at me, rela#ing, che"ing on a leaf$ (he >umped to a closer branch, chec ing me out$ 6oo ing into her unflinching ga:e, I felt her depth of consciousness, a feeling of alert and gentle openness$ My onos finished cleaning around the cage$ @e stood upGas straight as My onos e!er stands3and ga:ed out o!er the grassy landscape$ My mind stopped$ The birds and cric ets chirped$ Occasionally the mon eys "ould >ump to another branch$ The "ind "as "arm, and no" and then the lea!es "ould rustle in the bree:e$ =I'm lea!ing soon,= My onos said$ =I'm not sure e#actly "hen, but I'm going to see my teacher$= I ne" My onos's teacher "as currently residing outside of the country, but I didn't no" My onos "as planning to lea!e$ My mind began to mo!e again, imagining My onos gone$ )ut then the ripples of thought subsided, and "e stood in silence$ The &uietness felt li e soft "ool pressing do"n, muffling the !ibrations of the "orld$ I could still hear, but sounds seemed so distant$ I could still see, but the landscape seemed translucent and thin, as if silent light "ere shining through a space barely occupied by tic les of form$ The silent light felt emergent from my heart, but e!en my body dissol!ed in the in!isible fullness$ =Non3human beings are of the same One,= My onos said, =but humans can de!elop the capacity to li!e entirely free as that One, open beyond the tendencies and patterns that seem to mo!e in this place$ )ut you'!e got to practice feeling the 9reat One opening as e!ery moment and e!erything you do, and not get bound in patterns of self3 reflection, needing an other3a see%in$ other3to lo!e you, distracted in se#, afraid of death$= My onos's "ords arose in the silence, stri ing my deepest heart3 no"ing, and !anished$ Their force continued to ring, soundlessly, appearing as e!erything, the

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shimmering grass, the trees, the mon eys$ No separation spaced bet"een my mind, his "ords, and all that appeared in the "orld$ A deep and infinite "holeness bloomed out"ard, his "ords re!ealing depth's truth, and time rela#ed "ide open$ @appening ceased to enfold$ Hust li e ga:ing into the eyes of My onos's teacher, all opened "ithout a crease or e!ent of self3curl$ =No e#perience or no"ledge e#ceeds this openness of lo!e,= My onos said$ Then he turned to me and smiled$ =@a!e you seen my ne" chainsa"<= he as ed$ =No$= =C'mon, I'll sho" it to you$= As "e "al ed to the tool shed, the pattern of time "as a soft bree:e, and I could feel My onos smiling, although I could not see his face$

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13 BURDEN OF BLISS

It "as my birthday and also the last day before My onos "ould be lea!ing the country to see his teacher$ My onos suggested that "e go to a fa!orite bar of his near the beach$ Paco, 6emuel, My onos, and I met at the front door of the barGdar , grimy, and ree ing of stale beer and cigarettesGand "e entered, sitting at a small table$ )efore meeting My onos, I couldn't ha!e imagined being in such a place$ =No" there's a fine "hoor,= My onos said, loo ing to"ard a young "oman behind the bar$ @er s in "as dar , her hair blac and long$ (he "as probably from India, or possibly Iran$ (he "as beautiful$ =8ell, my friends, this is it,= My onos said, pouring beer from the pitcher "e had ordered$ =@a!e "e done it<= Paco raised his glass of beer$ =My onos, I "ant to than you for e!erything you'!e gi!en us$ This has been the most incredible time of my life$ I "ish you didn't ha!e to go$= =To the 9reat One,= My onos toasted$ =To the 9reat One,= "e all replied, drin ing$ =Paco, are you going to be able to eep your friends happy<= My onos as ed$ =I thin so,= Paco ans"ered, smiling, getting My onos's >o e$ =Bou're a good man, Paco$ Bou ha!e a great heart$ Maybe one day you "ill learn ho" to use it,= My onos laughed, putting his hand on Pace's shoulder$ =Hust idding, my friend$= The dar 3s inned "oman from behind the bar appeared at our table$ =Can I get you anything else<= she as ed$ =@o" about a fe" more pitchers<= 6emuel suggested$ =(ure, I'll bring them right a"ay,= she ans"ered, and "al ed bac behind the bar$ =9entlemen, loo around you,= My onos suggested$ Most of the people in the bar "ere in their 0+s or -+s$ (ome of the men had gray beards and large bellies$ The "omen "ere older, too, "ith hea!y ma e3up around their eyes$ Almost e!erybody "as smo ing$ At the table closest to us sat a man and a "oman in their 0+s, both &uite hea!y, "earing >eans, boots, and blac leather >ac ets o!er T3 shirts, probably bi ers$ At one table "ere t"o young men, almost certainly surfers$ %#cept for the surfers, most people "ere sitting &uietly, shifting their positions no" and

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then, smo ing and drin ing, occasionally tal ing in &uiet tones$ The surfers "ere spea ing loudly and laughing "ith each other$ =This human realm is not about happiness,= My onos said, =unless you locate happiness, feeling the openness, the li!ing play of the 9reat One3breathing lo!e, gi!ing lo!e, li!ing as lo!e3in e!ery moment$ Other"ise, you are no different than these fuc ers sitting around us, trying their best to get through the day, through their li!es, not &uite happy, resigned to the little comforts they'!e managed to hold on to$= I "as not comfortable in that bar$ I "ould rather ha!e been outside on the beach in the late3afternoon sun, or s"imming in the cool ocean "ater$ I "ore shorts and sandals >ust in case$ )ut as My onos spo e, I practiced "hat I had learned from him, feeling the openness that "as the place of e!ery moment, breathing lo!e as the substance of the moment, opening as the deep space of consciousness in "hich this roo% appeared$ (till, I didn't li e the smo e and filth3e!ery time my hand rested on the stic y table surface or my toes touched the grimy floor I "ould cringe3but, as I practiced, my deep heart rela#ed$ Rela#ing open, breathing open, feeling open, my sensations3 including discomfort3as "ell as my thoughts and the "hole barroom "ere ob!iously ali!e as the 9reat One$ An e#&uisite bliss permeated e!erything$ =8here are the ladies<= My onos as ed$ =I told Michelle and 6ayla to come by after they got off "or ,= 6emuel said$ 9ia "as out of to"n !isiting her parents$ Rebecca had returned to her home and >ob to ta e a pause and decide "hat she really "anted to do "ith her life, "hile 9ia and I continued opening as "ell as "e could through the painful unfurling and !oluntary dis3 solution of our relationship's assumed form, practicing to offer our deepest hearts3to each other and the "orld3"ithout depending on phantom resolution$ =%rin is spending tonight "ith her daughter,= said Paco, =and I thin Ielda is out on a date$= =And 1imitri<= My onos as ed$ =@e couldn't decide "hether to go to a mo!ie or meet us here$ I guess he "ent to a mo!ie,= 6emuel ans"ered$ The "oman from behind the bar came "ith another pitcher of beer$ =Than you !ery much, my dear,= My onos said to her$ =And ho" are you doing this e!ening<=

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=Cine,= she ans"ered$ =1o you no" (hi!a<= My onos as ed$ The "aitress "as startled$ I "as startled$ My onos's &uestion about the @indu god (hi!a seemed rather out of place$ =Bes,= the barmaid ans"ered$ =Mm3hmm$ I thought you might$ I can feel (hi!a in your heart$= The barmaid's face gre" distraught$ (he "al ed a"ay "ith &uic steps, disappearing through a door near the bar$ =That "hoor is suffering$ (he doesn't "ant to be here,= My onos said &uietly$ (he had seemed a little sad3but e!eryone in the bar, e#cept the surfers, seemed glum$ The bar itself "as rundo"n$ The barmaid's sadness didn't seem so out of place$ =Al"ays bring happiness to a "oman's heart, gentlemen,= My onos said, loo ing suddenly heartbro en himself$ I remembered a story My onos once told me about his first fe" days in Dietnam$ @is platoon "as on patrol "hen they came to a Diet Cong !illage$ The sergeant rounded up all the "omen and children3there "ere no men3and forced them into a bun er$ The platoon sergeant3My onos called him (ergeant Ro"land3"ouldn't allo" the "omen to lea!e their babies outside$ As My onos told me this story, he seemed more !ulnerable than I had e!er felt him$ @is e#pression turned fragile, and he seemed to be in another place as the "ords came from his lips$ I'll ne!er forget My onos's description of that horrible e!ent$ =Ro"land too a drag off his cigarette,= My onos said, his eyes ga:ing into a scene from thirty years earlier as if it "ere before him no"$ =Then, he pulled a hand grenade from his ammunition belt, yan ed the ring, and tossed it into the bun er$ And then another grenade$ =I heard t"o muffled e#plosions$ 8hite smo e poured out of the bun er$= My onos said that he "ent numb, and then he "anted to ill (ergeant Ro"land$ My onos had his finger on the trigger of his rifle, "hen a fello" soldier stopped him, telling him it "as too late$ The sergeant "ent on to slaughter other innocent people during My onos's time in his platoon$ The only regret I e!er heard in My onos's !oice "as "hen he told me about not illing Ro"land$

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=If it "eren't for "omen, "hat ind of place "ould this be<= My onos as ed$ Paco raised his beer and toasted, =To "omenF= My onos raised his beer, but did not smile$ O!er the ne#t hour or so, I "al ed up to the bar a fe" times to order more pitchers, since the barmaid didn't return to our table$ 8e "ere getting fairly drun $ T"o girls had >oined the surfers at their table$ =@appy birthday, my friend,= My onos said to me$ =1o you no" "hat you ha!e to do<= My onos's &uestion touched me at so many le!els that for a moment I fro:e in confusion$ )ut feeling penetrated by the deep blac of his eyes, all possibilities resol!ed into a singular depth of no"ing$ I "as certain of "hat I had to doGin that moment, and for the rest of my life$ =Bes,= I ans"ered$ =9ood,= My onos replied$ =1o "e ha!e any cigarettes<= I had brought a pac of cigarettes and a lighter, anticipating My onos might "ant to smo e$ I ga!e him a cigarette$ @e put it in bet"een his lips, and I lit it$ Again he loo ed into my eyes, briefly, "hile he too the first puff$ I already missed My onos$ =MaF= My onos shouted, as the barmaid "al ed near our table$ =Ma, come o!er here$= The barmaid reluctantly "al ed to our table, but stood a little farther a"ay than before$ =It's our friend's birthday here$ 8ould you >oin us and sing '@appy )irthday' to him<= My onos as ed$ =No than s,= the barmaid ans"ered, loo ing do"n at the beer3stained floor$ =That's fine,= My onos said$ =1o you miss Mother India<= The barmaid's head >er ed up$ (he loo ed at My onos$ (he nodded yes$ =)ut you can feel (hi!a in your heart, can't you ma<= My onos as ed$ =@mmm<= Tears filled the barmaid's eyes as she continued loo ing at My onos$

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%!erything else in the bar seemed to disappear$ (he and he held their ga:e as the rest of the "orld faded into "hite$ The scene "as out of time, ancient$ The t"o could ha!e been any"here, in a desert, a temple, a ca!e$ The barmaid stood before My onos, his eyes on fire "ith pain, "ith lo!e, spea ing the "oman's deepest heart aloud$ =It's O?, ma,= My onos continued$ =(hi!a is here, too$ It's O? to lo!e him$= The barmaid stood transfi#ed, unblin ing, her lips a&ui!er, her fingers rigid$ (lo"ly, through the tears, she smiled, and rela#ed$ (he "as so radiant, so defenseless, so e#posed$ And softly, tenderly, My onos; =@o" about another pitcher of beer, ma<= The barmaid smiled and nodded$ )efore "al ing from the table she bo"ed her head to My onos >ust slightly, almost unnoticeably$ =A very fine "hoor,= My onos said, loo ing as if he had >ust said goodbye to his belo!ed$ =@i guysF= 6ayla said as she bounced from the door o!er to our table$ (he and Michelle "ere all dressed up, "earing high heels and blac s irts$ 6ayla "as "earing a colorful blouse and Michelle "as "earing a blac bra under a see3through top$ =8o"F= My onos e#claimed, smiling, appreciati!ely loo ing 6ayla and Michelle up and do"n$ =I'm glad you t"o could ma e it$= Paco poured them beers, and "e all tal ed and dran $ The barmaid ne!er returned to our table$ =Michelle, you loo li e you're out to get laid tonight,= My onos said$ =8ell, it's been a "hile,= she said$ =8hat's the longest you'!e gone "ithout coc <= My onos as ed Michelle$ =8hat do you mean< 6ately<= =As an adult$ (ince you'!e been se#ual$= =I don't no", it !aries$ I guess I'!e gone se!eral months "ithout se#, but I started ha!ing se# "hen I "as t"el!e years old,= Michelle said$ =@o" about you, 6ayla, "hen did you first get laid<= My onos as ed$ =I "as se!enteen$ Hust before I "ent to college$= =Mm3hmm$ 6oo around this room, ladies$ Is this ho" you "ant to end up<=

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6ayla and Michelle loo ed around the bar$ It "as truly a do"ntrodden place$ Michelle loo ed at the bi er couple sitting near us$ The "oman's hair "as gray, her lipstic "as bright red, and her face "as lined and "eathered$ The s in around her lips "as pleated, probably from years of smo ing$ @er man "as drin ing his beer and loo ing around the bar$ (he "as sto ing the bac of his hand, "hen he "asn't lifting it to drin beer$ =I hope I don't end up sitting in a place li e this "hen I'm that age,= Michelle said$ =Bou are sitting here right no",= My onos pointed out$ =Beah, but "e're here for a reason,= said Michelle$ =(o are they,= said My onos$ =8hat are you trying to say, My onos<= as ed 6ayla$ =I'm trying to say there is more to life than getting laid$= =6oo "ho's tal ing,= 6ayla said$ =1o you "ant to end up planting your fat ass on a barstool for the rest of your life, clinging to some dipshit guy "ho buys your beer<= My onos as ed$ =My onos, that "ill ne!er happen to me,= 6ayla said$ =6ayla, my dear, you might end up married to a handsome aristocrat, li!ing in a mansion, shitting on "hite doilies, but deep inside, your heart is going to feel >ust li e that "oman's o!er there, unless you learn to lo!e larger than the roo% you gre" up in$ 8hat about you, Michelle<= My onos as ed$ =8hat about me<= =Is all you care about circumscribed by that little pussy of yours<= =8hat do you mean<= =6et me as you a &uestion$ If there "as a line of 2++* men outside, standing na ed, all "ith erections, and the man in the middle "as playing a big drum, "hich one "ould you fuc <= =I'd fuc them allF 8hy fuc >ust one<= =Bes,= My onos said laughing$ =I thin you "ould$ @o" about a line of sil!erbac gorillas< @a!e you e!er seen the loo in a sil!er3bac 's eyes< They are so peaceful, so humble, yet ma>estic and noble$ They are dyingG"e are illing them, illing them allG and they no" it$ 8ould you rather fuc a sil!erbac , or, say, one of those guys at that

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table<= My onos as ed, nodding his head to"ard the surfers$ =Oh, I'd fuc a sil!erbac for sure,= Michelle ans"ered$ =%#actly,= My onos said$ =I still don't no" "hat you're tal ing about,= 6ayla complained$ =8e are all dying$ %!erybody is dying,= My onos said forcefully, =and yet this is the !ision of 9od$ This, right here$ 6adies, "ill you consent to open your hearts<= =I'm going to the bathroom,= 6ayla said, and "al ed off$ =I'll be right bac ,= Michelle said, follo"ing 6ayla$ =1on't you lo!e "omen<= My onos as ed us$ Paco "as loo ing at the blonde "oman sitting "ith the surfers and didn't ans"er$ 6emuel said, =Bup$= Then My onos turned and loo ed right into my eyes$ @e "as crying$ I had ne!er seen My onos cry before$ @e grabbed my ears in his t"o hands and pulled me close to his face$ =Bou ha!e been gi!en a burden of bliss,= My onos said &uietly, but "ith absolute intention$ =Bou no" "hat you ha!e to do$= I nodded$ =@appy birthday,= My onos said, and issed me on the lips$ =This burden is my gift to you$= My onos sat bac and loo ed out o!er all the people in the barroom$ @is open eyes glistened$ I ne" I "ould not be seeing him again for a long time3maybe I "ouldn't be seeing him again at all$ 6ayla and Michelle returned and "e continued drin ing and tal ing for about an hour, but I felt lodged in a place not &uite coincident "ith the roo%. My onos ne!er loo ed into my eyes again$ 8hen rain began to fall outside, the night felt o!er$ =8ell, ha!e "e done it<= My onos as ed$ =Bes,= "e all ans"ered$ 6ayla and Michelle hugged us, said their goodbyes to My onos, and left in 6ayla's car$ 6emuel, Paco, My onos, and I "al ed out into the par ing lot$ The day had been hot, and no" the rain felt "arm$ Paco started "eeping$ =I'm going to miss you, My onos$=

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Paco put one of his arms around My onos's shoulder and the other around 6emuel$ I >oined in the huddle, arms around my friends$ 8e "ere standing in the rain, embracing in a circle, spending one last moment together$ Then, I reali:ed that My onos "as pissing on my foot, in the "arm rain$

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DAVID DEIDA RESOURCES

W"#$%&" Cor more information about 1a!id 1eida's "or and calendar of e!ents; '''()"%)*(%+,O&."/ B--0$ #1 D*2%) D"%)* 3he "ay of the .uperior Man4 ! .piritual Guide to Masterin$ the Challen$es of "o%en, "ork, and .exual Desire Dear 0over4 ! "o%an,s Guide to Men, .ex, and 0ove,s Deepest /liss /lue 3ruth4 ! .piritual Guide to 0ife 5 Death and 0ove 5 .ex 3he 2nli$htened .ex Manual4 .exual .kills for the .uperior 0over The abo!e boo s are a!ailable from (ounds True Toll free; 23*++3,,,342*0 """$soundstrue$com )nti%ate Co%%union4 !wakenin$ 'our .exual 2ssence )t,s a Guy 3hin$4 !n 6wner,s Manual for "o%en The abo!e boo s are a!ailable from @CI Toll free; 23*++3772300-4 """$hci3online$com Audio by David Deida 2nli$htened .ex4 Findin$ Freedo% and Fullness throu$h .exual 7nion A complete audio "or shop intensi!e A!ailable from (ounds True Toll free; 23*++3,,,342*0 """$soundstrue$com Information about all of 1a!id 1eida's boo s, audios, and !ideos, as "ell as an updated e!ents calendar, can be found at; '''()"%)*(%+,-

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ac no"ledged as one of the "orld's most insightful and pro!ocati!e spiritual teachers of our time, bestselling author 1a!id 1eida continues to re!olutioni:e the "ay that men and "omen gro" spiritually and se#ually$ @is teaching and "riting on a radically practical spirituality for our time ha!e been hailed as among the most original and authentic contributions to personal and spiritual gro"th currently a!ailable$ ?no"n internationally for his uni&ue "or shops on spiritual gro"th and sacred intimacy, 1eida has designed and de!eloped a remar ably effecti!e program of transformati!e practices that fully addresses spiritual a"a ening in mind, body, and heart$ @e is a founding associate of Integral Institute, and has taught and conducted research at the Uni!ersity of California's Medical (chool in (an 1iegoK Uni!ersity of California, (anta Cru:K (an Hose (tate Uni!ersityK 6e#ington Institute, )ostonK and %cole Polytechni&ue in Paris, Crance$ 1eida is no"n "orld"ide as the author of hundreds of essays, audio programs, boo s, !ideo programs, and articles that bring to light a fully integral approach to spirituality$ @is boo s are published in fifteen languages "orld"ide and are re&uired reading in uni!ersity, church, and spiritual center courses, source te#ts used in men's and "omen's groups around the "orld, and considered among the deepest resources for real spiritual transformation a!ailable$ @is recent boo s include 3he 2nli$htened .ex Manual, 3he "ay of the .uperior Man, and /lue 3ruth.