Miss Manners: Is there something I can wear to signify that I’m in mourning?

MISS MANNERS by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is dying. I’ve fixated on a stupid issue, probably because I don’t want to imagine life without him: What does a widow wear?

The idea of wearing jeans and T-shirts as if everything is normal feels bizarre. Is there a way to signal mourning? A black armband?

Foolish worry, I know, but it’s already hard to interact with cheery strangers. How can I signal my sadness?

GENTLE READER: The Victorians did us a disservice by overdoing the show of bereavement to the point where people got tired of living in mandated symbolic gloom -- long periods of wearing black and forgoing social events, even for relatives they didn’t miss -- and overthrew the whole system.

As usual, this led to the opposite extreme: the expectation of a quick return to normal life. Those who prod the bereaved to “achieve closure” little realize the pain they are causing.

So yes, some small sign would be good to warn off those who expect you to be jolly. Wearing all black is an option, although that remains a sign of mourning primarily at funerals of national importance. Black being considered chic, it can also be found at weddings.

So you could wear a black armband, although it may attract more attention than you want. As another possibility, Miss Manners suggests a small black ribbon at the lapel or neckline.

You need explain these only by saying, “I’m in mourning,” which may be repeated with more emphasis if this elicits more than an expression of sympathy.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.