Yep, it was market day. So in I strolled with my 50 pence burning a hole in my pocket, and what should I come across? The VHS of this film, complete with scary front cover, on sale for just that precise sum of money. I thought to myself "This might be worth a go" and handed over my hard-earned coinage to the foreign bloke behind the stall. (Who had maybe just the hint of a devilish smile on his face?) I went home, fed the cats, put my feet up and put the cassette on. And that was when my perfect day ended.
This film is arguably one of the worst ever made. Even among lovers of horrible movies like myself, this flick is too much. It is purely in a class of badness by itself. I have absolutely no idea why anybody: stupid, rich or desperate would have agreed to participate in this farce, but it's safe to say they must have had no dignity whatsoever. I can forgive the child actress, as she was probably lured into it by greedy parents. Everybody else has no excuse and should be throughly ashamed of themselves.
The plot? What does it matter? A priest guns down a teacher and five pupils in an English school somewhere, and a British copper and a Yank detective fresh off the boat from New York get on the case. The only witness to the crime was a little girl cowering behind some bins, and the American policeman starts a relationship with her mother and Blah Blah Blah.. That's all you need to know, apart from the fact that the people in this film make some of the stupidest decisions I've ever seen in my life. For instance: A mad slasher is chasing you, what do you do? Why you lock yourself in the bathroom of course, completely ignoring the open front door!! And I'll eat my hat if the actor playing the Yank comes from the States himself, that has to be one of the most phony, pathetic attempts at an accent I've ever heard. Rory Bremner he is not.
The acting is beyond amateur, the dialogue is risible when it isn't laughable, scenes go on forever despite having already made their point.. the whole experience is beyond comprehension. There's even a nice little interlude with our so-called American and his new girlfriend with child at the zoo, complete with unspeakably awful pop song warbling away in the background, something about 'learning to love again'. PUKE!! Basically the movie is absolute bilge, a shameful waste of money and should never have been released. On the plus side though, I do owe the (completely unscary) chap that plays the murderer a favour. We get so many close up shots of his feet in a vain effort to hide his true identity, that it reminded me: I need a new pair of shoes for the autumn. So thanks for that!! 0/10
