- Rudy Baylor: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker'll stop screwing you after you're dead.
- Deck Shiffler: [after waking Rudy with a before-sunrise phone call] Guess who died last night?
- Rudy Baylor: Who? Do you ever sleep?
- Deck Shiffler: Harvey Hale! Age 62, quite a pedigree.
- Rudy Baylor: Judge Hale?
- Deck Shiffler: Yep. Croaked with a heart attack, dropped dead by his swimming pool.
- Rudy Baylor: You gotta be kidding me!
- Deck Shiffler: Guess which newly-made judge was assigned to Great Benefit's case?
- Rudy Baylor: How the hell am I supposed to know that, Deck?
- Deck Shiffler: Tyrone Kipler. Black, Harvard, civil-rights lawyer. Hates Tinley Britt, and he's tough on insurance companies. You know what a Rainmaker is, kid? The bucks are gonna be falling from the sky.
- Rudy Baylor: In my first year of law school everybody loved everybody else, 'cause we were all studying the law, and the law was a noble thing. By my third year you were lucky if you weren't murdered in your sleep. People stole exams, hid research materials from the library, and lied to the professors. Such is the nature of the profession.
- Leo F. Drummond: I may not be 100 percent today, but I'm here in spirit
- [All laugh but Rudy]
- Rudy Baylor: I'm curious.
- Leo F. Drummond: About what?
- Rudy Baylor: I'm just wonderin' - do you even remember when you first sold out?
- Leo F. Drummond: [the room goes silent] Now you're an arrogant little piss-ant, aren't you? I advise you to mind your manners. You're in the big world now.
- Rudy Baylor: Mind my manners? I come up here from Memphis, to depose four people - two of whom are not here. And you tell me to mind my manners?
- Rudy Baylor: Objection. Your honor, he's leading the witness.
- Judge Kipler: This is cross examination, leading is allowed. Overruled, as to leading.
- Rudy Baylor: There's gotta be a hundred years of law experience sitting at this very table. My staff has flunked the bar exam six times.
- [first lines]
- Rudy Baylor: My father hated lawyers all his life. He wasn't a great guy, my old man. He drank and beat up my mother; he beat me up too. So you might think I became a lawyer just to piss him off. But you'd be wrong. I wanted to be a lawyer ever since I read about the Civil Rights lawyers in the 50s and 60s, and the amazing uses they found for the law. They did what a lot of people thought was the impossible. They gave lawyers a good name. And so I went to law school. And it did piss my father off - he was pissed off anyway.
- Rudy Baylor: I know what's going on the second I lay eyes on them. Like I'm 10 years old, my father crying in the bedroom, my mother sitting at the kitchen table with blood all over her face telling me that daddy's sorry, and he's never gonna do it again.
- Rudy Baylor: I'm hot. In fact, I'm so hot, there's no place for me to go but down. Every client I ever have will expect the same magic, nothing less. I could probably give it to them, if it didn't matter how I did it. Then I'd wake up one morning and find that I'd become Leo Drummond
- Rudy Baylor: All due respect, Mr. Drummond, this is my deposition, I'm gonna call the witnesses in the order I see fit. So, I'd like to start with Jackie Lemancyzk.
- Rudy Baylor: Maybe we should just go call the judge, and...
- Leo F. Drummond: Oh, I don't believe we have to get pugilistic this time of the morning.
- Rudy Baylor: Half an hour ago her husband came in and threw a bowl of soup at her, because she just didn't get how much he loved her.
- [last lines]
- Rudy Baylor: Every lawyer, at least once in every case, feels himself crossing a line that he doesn't really mean to cross. It just happens, and if you cross it enough times it disappears forever. And then you're nothing but another lawyer joke, just another shark in the dirty water.
- Rudy Baylor: A lawyer's not supposed to become personally involved with his clients. but there's all kinds of lawyers. and all kinds of clients, too.
- Judge Kipler: Mr. Drummond... you objected to the fast-tracking of this case. What's the problem?
- Leo F. Drummond: Well, your honor... this issue's already been ruled upon by Judge Hale. The preparations required by fast-tracking the case place undue burden upon both parties, I believe.
- Judge Kipler: [scribbling on a notepad and not looking up] Nonsense.
- [stands up]
- Judge Kipler: Let me ask you something, Mr. Drummond. As a defense lawyer, have your EVER agreed to the fast-tracking of a lawsuit?
- Leo F. Drummond: Well your honor, I believe I have.
- Judge Kipler: [begins to laugh as he sits back down] Fine. Give me the name of the case and the court it was in.
- Leo F. Drummond: [laughs nervously] Well, your honor... I have to get back to you on that.
- Judge Kipler: Well, call me this afternoon by three.
- Leo F. Drummond: I don't believe I'm going to be in before three.
- Judge Kipler: Well, call me when you get in. I'm very interested in hearing about this case you agreed to fast-track.
- Leo F. Drummond: Yes sir.
- Judge Kipler: This boy's about to die, gentlemen. You do agree that we need to record his testimony?
- Leo F. Drummond: Yes indeed... of course, your honor. It's just that my trial calendar is pushin' me around pretty good.
- Judge Kipler: How about next Thursday afternoon?
- Rudy Baylor: Great for me, your honor.
- Leo F. Drummond: I'm sorry, your honor.
- Judge Kipler: That's a week from today.
- Leo F. Drummond: I believe I'm out of town.
- [beat]
- Leo F. Drummond: Yes, I am out of town Thursday.
- Judge Kipler: The deposition is set for next Thursday afternoon at 2pm.
- [smiles]
- Judge Kipler: Sorry if it inconveniences the defense, but God knows there's enough of you guys to handle it.
- [Rudy smiles]
- Kelly Riker: [Cliff has just trashed the house and buried Rudy under a refrigerator... Kelly rushes to Cliff] RUDY... RUDY! Cliff, you idiot! What are you doing!
- Cliff Riker: [grabbing Kelly around the throat] You see what you did! Kelly, you see what you did? It's not my fault! I love you... I love you!
- [Rudy gets back up and yanks Cliff by the air and off Kelly and they resume fighting... Cliff pulls out a gun, Rudy grabs a baseball bat and hits Cliff with it]
- Kelly Riker: RUDY!
- [he hits Cliff some more with the bat]
- Kelly Riker: Stop it, Rudy! Stop.
- [Cliff groans]
- Kelly Riker: Give me the bat... and leave.
- Rudy Baylor: [dumbfounded] What?
- Kelly Riker: Give me the bat... and leave. You were not here tonight. Give me the bat.
- [Rudy complies and Kelly finishes Cliff off after Rudy walks out]
- Deck Shiffler: What did they teach you in law school?
- Rudy Baylor: Well, they didn't teach me how to chase ambulances!
- Deck Shiffler: Well, you better learn quick or you're gonna starve.
- Deck Shiffler: In law school, Rudy, they don't teach you what you need to know. It's all theories and lofty notions and big fat ethics books.
- Rudy Baylor: What's wrong with ethics?
- Deck Shiffler: Nothing, I guess.
- Dot Black: He ain't right in the head. War injury. Korea. You know them metal detectors at the airport? He can walk through one buck naked, and the thing would go off. He's got a plate in his head.
- Rudy Baylor: Here's the policy. What do you think?
- Deck Shiffler: Well, this is the scratch-and-sniff armpit of the industry.
- Deck Shiffler: We came with nothing. If he'd have thrown us out of his room for whatever reason, what have we lost?
- Rudy Baylor: A little dignity. Maybe a little self-respect.
- Rudy Baylor: Now, if you're not careful, Miss Birdie, the government is just gonna get a big chunk of this. Now, a lot of these taxes can be avoided with a little bit of careful estate planning.
- Miss Birdie: Oh, that legal gobbledygook.
- Rudy Baylor: Everybody loves lawyer jokes, especially lawyers. They're even sort of proud of 'em. Why do you suppose that is?
- Kelly Riker: What kind of lawyer do you want to be?
- Rudy Baylor: Well, I enjoy trial work, so - I'd like to spend my days in the courtroom.
- Kelly Riker: Defending criminals?
- Rudy Baylor: Maybe. Maybe. They're entitled to a good defense. They have a right to their day in court.
- Kelly Riker: Murderers?
- Rudy Baylor: Most murderers can't afford a private lawyer.
- Kelly Riker: Rapists and - child molesters?
- Rudy Baylor: No.
- Kelly Riker: Men who beat their wives?
- Judge Harvey Hale: This lawsuit bothers me, Mr. Baylor. I wouldn't use the word "frivolous", but I'm not impressed with the merits of it to be frank... In fact, I'm really tired of these type of lawsuits... I'm inclined to grant the motion to dismiss. Now, you can refile it in federal court, you know, take it somewhere else. I don't want it clogging up my docket. Now, excuse me while I go to the can.
- Kelly Riker: I - can't file for a divorce.
- Rudy Baylor: Why not?
- Kelly Riker: Because he'll kill me. He tells me so all the time.
- Rudy Baylor: Anybody in the room named Russell Crockett?
- Leo F. Drummond: He's gone, too. He was downsized.
- Rudy Baylor: Downsized? Well, what a coincidence.
- Leo F. Drummond: Our client's going through a periodic downsizing.
- Rudy Baylor: Yeah, well that will happen, won't it?
- Kelly Riker: He's become obsessed with sex. He thinks it's going to keep us together.
- Rudy Baylor: Listen, I really don't want to talk about that.
- Leo F. Drummond: Now, Rudy, don't be intimidated by all these boys on this side of the table. I guarantee, you get them on the golf course, they fold like a cheap suit.
- Butch: This bugging device has got medium-grade circuitry. It's a weak transmitter. Probably manufactured in Czechoslovakia. I don't think the cops or the Feds would place this.
- Deck Shiffler: Somebody else is listenin'.
- Rudy Baylor: It's no wonder they spend so much money on their lawyers and their lobbyists and their public relations machine to convince us we need tort reform.
- Leo F. Drummond: [to the jury] What will giving a judgment of $10 million accomplish? All insurance company premiums will spin out of reach, and it will pave the way for government-controlled health coverage. Yours is a grave responsibility. Be wise, be careful, and be just.
- Deck Shiffler: They're bastards! This is a typical debit insurance scam. The Blacks call it street-surance.
- Rudy Baylor: So what do I do?
- Deck Shiffler: You sign 'em up. Sign 'em all up.
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