- Whoopi Goldberg: I like working with directors. And I've saved a lot of their jobs. And they've saved a few of my performances...
- James Edmunds: The three dudes were more subliminal than the Batman Logo. We could have out-grossed ET!
- Joe Eszterhas: [Post credits] The great thing about this movie, Arthur, is that it sticks up for directors. It really does.
- Arthur Hiller: The last thing that the Directors of America need, Joe, is for you to be sticking up for them!
- [They both laugh]
- Sylvester Stallone: Don't fuck with me!
- Jackie Chan: Don't fuck with me!
- Whoopi Goldberg: Don't fuck with me!
- Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan, Whoopi Goldberg: Don't fuck with us!
- Alan Smithee: [beating his head] I cut the picture. They cut the picture. I didn't cut the picture. They cut the picture...
- Aloe Vera: We tried sex, it didn't help. He did some coke, it didn't help. He ate some pasta, it didn't help.
- Sylvester Stallone: Yo! Adrian! You know we never... and we had a kid so it was an immaculate ejection.
- Alan Smithee: I saw myself on the telly! I was in a bar off Sunset, drinking a pink gin, and I saw myself on the bloody telly!
- [singing]
- Alan Smithee: And the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again...
- Caption: Shane Black. Writer and Insomniac.
- Singer: I'm giving Condoms for Christmas...
- Singer: Hollywood, Holly should, Holly could go down on me...
- Singer: I Wanna Be... . Michael Ovitz! Why Can't I Be... Michael Ovitz?